The Worst Five-Star Hotel: Lisbon's Bairro Alto Hotel

Where: Pra�a Lu�s de Cam�es 2, Bairro Alto, Lisbon, Portugal

November 26, 2007 at 10:12 AM | 1 Comment

Monica Guy, our own younger, blonder, more attractive but still curmudgeonly version of Andy Rooney has returned to us once more. This time, she's giving us the lowdown on the Lisbon hotel scene. Also, we left her bolded words in place to show how frustrated she gets. Enjoy.

We should set up a new prize - the Worst 5-star Hotel in the World. A booby prize for the hotel where you pay the most money for the poorest facilities, worst food and rudest service.

Here's a candidate: the Bairro Alto Hotel, Lisbon, Portugal. A 5-star, 5-floor joke of a boutique hotel.

The website claims it's in a "privileged location" at the "junction of 2 emblematic districts." Décor's been done over by various wannabe and has-been artists to make it a "fusion of old and new." Actually it's an unassuming canary-yellow building in a noisy traffic-filled square. The décor's nothing special - stuffy and dark.

"Elegant, intimate, very personal" must refer to the lift, except that the first word's not quite accurate. Crueller reviewers might say it's designed only for anorexics with no luggage.

You can't find your room when you get to the floor, because they don't have any lights on in the dingy, dark corridors and the signs are hidden round the corner. The rooms are, well, beige and boring. An airless cupboard for a gym.

We can all put up with poor facilities if we get friendly and efficient service. "A world created from small gracious gestures where the fine art of hospitality is cultivated," says the Bairro Alto's website. Very small gestures - missed them all. And you'd cultivate a better art of hospitality in a petri dish.

Fancy some lunch? You try to have lunch on the roof terrace. Get told off for waiting for a table. Told off for sitting down when a table becomes free. Told off for taking a photo. Is there copyright on the upholstery? Told off for rushing the waiter when you try - 15 minutes in - to order a beer. Told off for hanging around at the bar when you try - 15 minutes after that - to actually be served your beer.

Told off for asking for bread - where else can you pay over 10 euros to eat a watery tomato and mozzarella salad with not even a crust to fill your belly? Have to eat off your knees - get told off for wiping the oil you spill on our trousers with the napkins.

Then you get told very firmly that service is strictly not included and that it's normal to add a 15 percent tip. Tip him over the edge, we say.

With all due respect to Condé Nast Traveller, who in a moment of madness listed the hotel as one of the 60 best recently-opened hotels in 2006, they probably only went to the launch party. Or else only 60 were opened.

We vote hotel booby prize for the Hotel Bairro Alto, Lisbon. Any other candidates? List 'em below.

[Photo: Thingummyjig]

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