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Dear V,
Let me start by thanking you for contributing to my slowly crumbling empire. I didn’t realize that Haley’s death would have such an impact on me. I was driving up Burnside today and swore I saw Haley walking – it made me sad. I miss her. It totally made me blow my diet – I’ve been good for like three days, and today I came home and polished off half a pie and six tamales. Good thing Nathan loves me for my brain and not my body (Right??? I’ve always been retardedly optimistic that way).
Anyways, back to you and your baby-hating op-ed. Believe me, homegirl, I get it. You’re kind of preaching to the converted. I am not one of those parents (basically 99.9% of Portland parents) who believes that other people are going to love and enjoy my child the way I do. I don’t think kids should get invited to weddings. I don’t take G to nice restaurants, evening parties, sex toy shops, or nude beaches. I hire sitters…regularly. I embrace the motto of, “feed the kids early, put them to bed, and let the games begin…” No shit. For realz.
I believe that baby showers are as horrific as deliberately littering, racism and The Jonas Brothers. I think they should be outlawed and I think we need to take a stand. Your friends should not shove their babies down your throat. It’s wrong. I’m with you. BUT! While we’re on this point (sort of. Not really. But I think there’s a parallel somewhere) can I talk about dogs for a minute? Here’s the thing people: SOME OF US DON’T LIKE DOGS! PERIOD! THE END! ENOUGH! GET OVER IT!
I don’t want your dog jumping on me. I don’t want to pretend that I think you’re dog’s cute. If your dog eats my food, I’m going to slap it. If your dog nips my kid, I’m going to punch it in the face and tell you to check your dog. No, typical Portland person, your love for your canine is not remotely close or comparable to my love for my child. Christmas cards with a picture of your dog? Absolutely retarded…and pathetic. Dog-friendly restaurants? Well, that’s just dumb. And don’t make me feel like there’s something wrong with me for not liking dogs.
Although I love nothing more than cuddling with a chubby little baby, I realize that not everyone holds this view. DON’T EXPECT ME TO LIKE DOGS!
Okay. That’s it. I had a bad day. Sorry I’m being so aggressive and mean. Virginia, I don’t even know if you like dogs, own dogs, etc., but regardless, I think you ROCK!
Any chance you could baby sit on Thursday? Just for like an hour so Nathan and I could attend an interfaith couples counseling session with Rabbi Moshe Goldbaum? (He’s only in town for that one night and I can’t find a sitter.) It’s really important to Nathan. I don’t want to let him down. Goldbaum is the guru of this shit!
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Dude, all Nathan needs to know is: Elaine is right, Nathan is wrong. You don’t need someone fancy-schmancy to say that!
LMAO! I agree in a way. I like dogs, but WELL TRAINED dogs! The scar on my face is from being bit by a dog because I was protecting my kid from being bit. It was my sister’s dog. Now (thanks to my brother-in-law and his ex-hockey golie temper) the dog is fertilizer…
Nuff said…
Klynn, there is a special place in hell for ex-hockey goalie douchebags who injure(or apparently kill) defensless animals. And I guess for you too since you are so socially retarded to think this is okay.
@klynn - Jebus! Is the hatchet buried (totes funny if the dog was named hatchet) between you and your sis?
Elaine- slowly crumbling empire my ass. Keep the faith for ICKH:The Movie! Any thoughts on parties (birthdays, weddings) for dogs?
I’m well aware of your dislike of our canine friends, but I still just don’t get it E. Dogs are so amazingly cute and cuddly and sweet and amazing. How can you say no to these:
http://mfrost.typepad.com/cute_overload/pups/index.html
Shit, I got bit in the face by a dog that ended in 20 stitches and 2 follow-up surgeries to fix up the scars and a lawsuit and I still can’t stay away from them. (Long story but it was just an accident and bad timing). I just loooove them sooo much! Some people plan their lives for kids, I plan my future for my future english bulldog, Sprinkles.
I AM SO THERE WITH YOU! Seems like all my friends are getting “dogs”, but then call them “babies.” I reply, well damn, who’s the father? I’m not a dog lover, and I don’t want to pretend to be one. Don’t let your dog jump on me, lick me, or come near me!
You do know that when I come to live with you, I come with a dog, right? But he’s my dog, not my child. I’m well aware of this. As long as you don’t abhor him and put rat poison in his vittles, I think we’ll be fine.
Oh, and I’m sorry you are feeling blue. Maybe a seance? Reconnect with Haley’s spirit? I’m sure she’s looking over you, whether you can see her or not.
Elaine,
I am so with you on the dog thing. Unless of course the wife is away and there is a big jar of peanut butter in the house.
I’m a little bit embarassed for you, E. Then again, I hate cats - but it may just be the spontaneous snot that rolls down my face when one gets near me. Oh, and the wheezing. I do love to be able to breathe!
The great thing about dogs over kids is that when we want a night out on the town, we just stick our dogs in their kennels and head out!
Truthfully, I love all things baby. Baby people, baby animals, baby plants, tiny little useless pencils… everything is adorable when it is tiny. Except penis.
I know that cats are not dogs, but in the same obsessive vein I have a friend who refers to her cat (her utterly normal, average cat) as her “child” and doesn’t understand that some of us don’t want it rubbing its black hair all over our white sundresses and biting at our ankles.
Once, she and Violet and I debated getting a 3-bedroom apartment, but I told her I couldn’t live with the cat. Her exact words were, “Well, that’s like telling someone with a baby, ‘I’m sorry. I can’t live with your baby.’” Except that no, it’s absolutely not. Babies don’t scratch up furniture that I paid for. And they are human.
Points to Rachie. Everything tiny IS adorable, EXCEPT penis. Truth.
I totally agree, I also hate dogs. I don’t know why, I don’t care for the jumping, barking, drooling, I mean I can barely handle it when my kids do that stuff. Just not much of an animal person.
Touche’, ma jolie.
The best thing to do is to get small dogs, so that if they’re doing something you don’t like, you can just pick ‘em up and stick ‘em in a handbag and watch their self-respect and dignity fall away.
A whole lot of hating going on. I can understand disliking untrained dogs and annoyingly baby-obsessed people. Hate should be reserved for things like war or the person who murdered your mother, not bourgeois concerns like babies and dogs. Oh, I get it! This is supposed to be funny. O.K., I’ll play. I hate religious people.
Once, an ex-boyfriend and I went away for a weekend with his best friend and his girlfriend. While the guys talked, I was forced to socialize with a woman that I held little in common with but I was a good girlfriend and did my part.
She didn’t have a dog, she didn’t have a cat, she had a stuffed bear. A stuffed bear that she talked to and took with her from room to room.
When the boys came in and sat down, I placed the bear on the floor to make room. She SCREAMED at me for putting him on the floor, demanded that I return him to his chair (the nicest armchair in a dingy beach condo), which meant the only place left for me to sit was the floor. Rather than cause a scene and point out that she was insane (b/c neither her boyfriend or my boyfriend was helping me out), I retreated to the bedroom to wait out the rest of the weekend.
So. I can take people calling their cats, dogs, birds, snakes, hamsters their babies. At least they are alive.
Wow tatumluv, you ARE always full of awesome stories!
OK, Pamala A., This dog ATTACKED ME AND CAUSED 9 STITCHES IN MY FACE, BECAUSE I PROTECTED MY KID, Therefore I give you the Fist yourself award! I have had dogs, I like dogs, but I’m not so stupid to keeep one around that has caused a person bodily harm! And if there is a special place in hell for my BIL, and for that matter, me, then I guess we will be seeing you there! Besides, I like it warm!
Chezlait- yes the hatchet is buried, but the dog’s name was Muskie, like the fish…
Oh, and did I mention that this all happened 9 hours away from home, so I had to go to a unknown hospital, almost had to have plastic surgery, and this was when I was at their house for their wedding reception? Couldn’t drink but at least I got good pills! And legally BTW.
And I reiterate, I like dogs, WELL TRAINED DOGS THAT DON’T ATTACK UNPROVOKED! And yes Pamela A., I like it warm, with the things I have done in my past, I was already going to hell, long before you blog-commented me there!
BTW, Hi E!
Okay, how about THIS: you decide you wanna go out, you put the dog in his crate, it keeps him out of trouble and he’ll just go to sleep, and it’s fine!
You do the same thing with a baby, and the po-po are gonna wanna talk to you!
Oh my god! You didn’t tell me you hate dogs! What about Walter and Henry? Does this mean we can’t be friends? I don’t hate babies! Please advise.
Sarah, my love:
I meant to warn you. I’m sorry. I didn’t know how to tell you in person. And…I had a horrible, douchebag, asshole ex-boyfriend named Walter - not that it’s a deal breaker - I hope you will still be my friend. To prove my commitment, I’m willing to skinny dip in the Mt. Tabor Resevoir. Seriously.
xoxo
E
OMG, Elaine!
I’m sure MY Walter would turn you back around. (She’s named after my grandfather, another fine individual named Walter).
You can’t get rid of me that easily. Unless you skinny dip in the reservoir — especially the side that actually does hold our drinking water.
God, I needed this post. I hate baby showers. And (ironically) I just had a baby a few months back. the two most stressful days of pregnancy were the two (TWO!) showers I had to attend. Fortunately, I managed (read: demanded) to turn one into a couples shower. But the other was a bunch of women sitting around oohing and ahhing about the merits of this contraption or that. Kill me now. I simply don’t have that kind of estrogen coursing through my body. And, contrary to belief, you don’t have to cut off your hair and have a “mom cut” once you have a child. (Who does that?)
And while I think my own little mini-me is amazing… I’m still not a “kid” person.
And dogs… than you for this. Nothing quite like being expected to praise a dog for “befriending” your leg.
Sorry… had to join in on the fun while it happened
Walter…idiot asshole! I would kill him for you.
Miss u. kiss the baby and Nathan too.