-BaReFooT aLcHeMisT-

heartless biatch

2009-05-14T10:10:00.005+08:00

I was once called a “heartless cold biatch”! Everyone goes to some phases in their lives where they feel shit or do some shitty things. I, for one, can attest to that gruesome truth. Modesty aside, I’m one of the many “living proofs” that people do change. Most of the people I know can give that as a positive testimony. (And I’m giving myself a pat in the back for a job well done.) Ahem.

Kidding aside, memory lane hits my cerebral as I become hooked to a simple song entitled “Heartless by Kanye West”. The lyrics sorta reminded me of “my past crazy life” more than a decade ago. It has been ages but whenever I go back to that “old door”, I always feel elated to what life has given me now.

Why was I a “heartless cold biatch”? Maybe it started only as a defensive mechanism, when you felt vulnerable to every single emotion that life has to offer that eventually it started to slowly eat you up into unimaginable pieces tearing you apart inside and out.

It all started with a failed relationship that made me felt trash. Crash and burn deeply into the abyss of darkness. I felt used, abused and left hanging in the cliff of painful and slow death my heart. Along the path of recovery, I wounded many people’s emotion, destroyed their peaceful turf. Pretended I loved and cared for them and hurt them as if I wasn’t feeling any remorse or whatsoever. I wanted revenge for whatever reasons and whoever I’m with.

Looking back, I savored the topsy-turvy world of my bittersweet symphony--- full of grudges, pain and suffering. Then, finally it hit me like a thunderbolt that life is indeed sometimes cruel but you don’t have to be one in order to survive this game called life.

It was a very difficult and challenging journey to despise all the many temptations that the Devil has to offer. But as they say its all in the mind and heart. Focus to change. Have the courage to face your demons and transform your life for better even the best.

Many people think they are doomed to failure. They feel they cannot afford to crawl back up to the deep ground from which they themselves dig. They feel they are buried to this ground forever. But come to think of it, however deep shit you are in and whatever it may possibly be… there will come a time that someone UP there will lift you up and aid you towards the right path. If and only if, realization hits you and you yelled.. “Help!”

As the lyrics echoes in the labyrinths of my eardrum…
“Somewhere far along this road, he lost his soul to a woman so heartless...”

I was once a heartless biatch because I also lost my soul along that crooked road. And I was sorry for those past to whom I have been a cold heartless biatch.

But when I finally walked the road less traveled, my soul found its way back home to me--- a renewed soul breathing a new life far from what I have dreamt of, the best life ever!

So, I say a prayer full of gratitude, as always… (winks)

back in town!!!

2009-05-14T10:06:00.000+08:00

I look at my notebook
Opened and started typing a word,
then a sentence
then a paragraph
Boom…

Im back from hibernation
A long hibernation indeed

So, here I am
Ranting and raving
Of things that matter
Or maybe even not…

Its just that…

Barefoot is finally back again.

Thanks for waiting…

hapi 2009

2009-01-01T09:22:00.001+08:00

happy 2009!

may all of us have a posperous new year

filled with happiness, good health and peace

God bless us all!

cheers!

happy new year to all!

Ho Ho Ho

2008-12-25T00:00:00.003+08:00

HAPPY HOLIDAYS

Its the season of joyous occassion and celebration

but please dont forget the real meaning of it...

share it with your loved ones and enjoy the holidays

but above all,

tap into our faith and be one with the Lord God Almighty...

MALIGAYANG PASKO SA LAHAT!

decision and faith

2008-12-19T01:00:00.000+08:00

There is no right or wrong decisions. You just have to stick and stand by whatever decision you make. These decisions make us whole and are all a learning experience. That’s my stand. And that’s not only what I tell my friends who feel lost in their career or love lives, but that’s what I live by…

The past few months, my faith has been tested again due to the many setbacks in my career life. And for the “nth” time, I cling tightly to the light of hope flickering in the end of a very long, hard and challenging road of my career. I don’t want to dwell on it anymore but instead I see it as a learning experience - making me a stronger and patient person who is still very hopeful and optimistic to a brighter future ahead that will come soon, in God’s own time.

I saw a very good shout out from my friend’s fs account and I wanna “borrow” and add some to it coz this is how I truly feel in my career right now. And this is what I earnestly pray to Him …

“I can’t see the path I should take, Lord. So, I’m putting my hand in yours. Please don’t let me fall and guide me towards the path you want me to travel on. I’m surrendering it all to you, my Lord.”

Amen.

wifehood vs motherhood

2008-12-18T23:24:00.004+08:00

“I don’t think I can be a wife, gusto ko lng maging isang ina. Yoko ata maging asawa.”

Those were the words that came out from the mouth of my preggy bestfriend who is torn between being a wife and a mother. She is 3months pregnant and is yet to decide whether to be part of the married statistic of the world. She feels that marriage is not for her but motherhood is.

“nde ka ba natatakot na nde magka anak?” I don’t think im fit to become a mother, I am just a wife.”

Honestly, Im really not afraid of it. Maybe one way or another I kinda psyche myself for those things. That is why its no longer a big issue to our marriage. Im very lucky (uber) to have a husband who is very supportive and understanding and plus it’s a consensual decision.

I recently read from the book of Elizabeth Gilbert’s Eat, Pray and Love her insight on having a child or in motherhood and I will quote a paragraph in her book, which I find very interesting. And I wanna share it to all of you. Here it goes:

“How many people have I heard claim their children as the greatest accomplishment and comfort in their lives? It’s a thing they always lean on during metaphysical crisis… If I have done nothing else in this life, then at least I have raised my children well. But what if, either by choice or by reluctant necessity, you end up not participating in this comforting cycle of family and continuity? What if you step out? Where do you sit in reunion? How do you mark time’s passage without fear that you’ve just frittered away your time on earth without being relevant? You’ll need to find another purpose, another measure by which to judge whether or not you have been a successful human being. I love children, but what if I don’t have any? What kind of person does that make me? “ (Elizabeth Gilbert. Eat, Pray, Love. p. 126)

So, will you become a mother or a wife or maybe both?!?

Laters…

i. read.

2008-11-27T00:01:00.000+08:00

The past two days I was definitely engrossed on catching up on my readings. The past months, due to school works, I didn’t have the opportunity and luxury to sit down and read a good book. I hardly read books the past months, maybe because I don’t have good books at hand lately, be it owned or borrowed. That is why, thanks to my dearest friend Jack, who allowed me to ransacked her new bookshelf and lend me 3 books to read. And now that school’s over for me (for now) and I’m stuck home babysitting my nephew, I have the comfort of reading. No more excuses.

Reading for me is one of my heavens. It helps me widen my knowledge plus improves my vocabulary. It allows me to gain new insights on things ranging from trivial ones to complex issues. It assists me on ticking on my creative brain lobe and allows my imagination to travel on its own course. It gives me the motivation to blog more since I read more. Its one of my source of inspiration as a blogger, I guess.

For some, reading is very tedious and boring. But for booklovers like me, it is but a refuge. I always tell my husband that I love the smell of books everytime I go inside a library or bookstore, that somehow it kinda possess me and I am transformed into panic mode. That is why, when I have few bucks at hand, I see to it that I don’t go inside those bookstore, for it only pains my heart not to take them all home. (hehehehe) I would want to be their mother and caress them into my arm and tuck them carefully unto my bookshelf. (hehehe) Well, see even now, just by imagining it, I get into a “panic-possess mode” already.

Anyway, I’m enjoying every single second as I turn the pages of the book that I am reading; savoring the moment of getting back on one of my comforts and heavens --- reading.

Laters…

killer PUVs

2008-11-26T20:39:00.004+08:00

The past few months there were a lot of road accidents involving public utility buses along EDSA. There were some lives taken, lots of injuries and casualties. And lots of raised issues at hand.

What’s the real problem here? The real problem lies on the irresponsible drivers who feel like kings of the roads and is very omnipotent in the street and lacks the word discipline. Yes, it’s true that we shouldn’t really pass all the blame to them because they are just trying to hit a quota for a living just like an ordinary Juan Dela Cruz whose part of the low income strata of the economy. But still once they’re in front of that steering wheel of a public utility vehicle, they have to be extra careful coz the life of the public who patronizes them is at stake.

With the growing number of accidents in the street involving all kinds of public utility vehicle, it’s a big wake up slap to the government. Someone should make a move and pass a bill, ruling or law or whatsoever you call em. These accidents will not stop unless a specific solution is presented to the growing problem of a killer public utility vehicle.

laters...

undas

2008-11-01T08:48:00.005+08:00

pray. remember. reflect.

have a fruitful celebration of the undas...

"Eternal rest grant unto them O Lord, and

let perpetual light shine upon them,

and may they rest in peace.

Amen."

bonding sessions

2008-10-30T14:42:00.007+08:00

It’s always a very pleasant feeling to bond with friends even if on a short period of time. The past weeks I had the opportunity to bond with my girlfriends whom I truly treasure for a lifetime.

First stop: sept 27. We always plan for our get together but ended up with just a plan. But this day came as a surprise, my 2 girlfriends schedule finally intersect and one of them had the heart to go all the way from Bataan just to finally make it to our night out after almost 11 months. We are in the usual couple’s night out; we usually bond together with our respective husbands who became friends along the way. Usually, its just 4some since one of us stays outside manila. But this night wasn’t, we became a 3some couples, finally complete. Food and laughter is always in the agenda topped with several reminiscing moments of JOLOGS back in college.

Second stop: oct 24. One of my close friends from the states went on vacation and spent ample yet quality time together. Back in my “professional-working days”, the three of us became closer and was the usual “tres marias” in our unit ward because we share a very unique friendship. The three of us varies in terms of personality, maybe that’s why we all complemented each other and despite distance the closeness of the friendship remained over time.

The last but ultimately not the least stop: oct 25-26, was with my sistahs-my dearly JERMS whom I had been through almost a decade of pure unconditional friendship. We were like teenagers ogling on some acquaintances while surfing the net, singing our hearts and literally lungs out over videoke, pigging out like hungry beast over shared sumptuous meal, and laughing the real laughter coming from deepest happiness. We may not have grandiose get together, formal gatherings, exclusive set-ups and the works. But what we have that others don’t have (most probably) is the real friendship more like a family that lies deep within. Not tainted by fancy gatherings, money talks, childish inklings but rather a priceless bonding that will lasts a lifetime.

As I was eagerly uploading our photos, I was very ecstatic indeed. A bonding sessions with good friends and priceless laughs, nothing can be more compared. Eventhough, most of the time its difficult to make us all physically be present in every bonding sessions, still we are one in spirit (ika nga nila). Despite time and distance, busy skeds and rendezvous, new priorities and new acquaintances, the real friendship still remains and words can’t express how proud I am to be part of this “sisterhood”. That is why il be expecting more bonding sessions and will eagerly take the task of organizing such without hesitations. All in the name of good, true and lasting friendship. BOW!

Laters…

back in business

2008-10-23T00:51:00.003+08:00

It feels good to be back from a not so long “blog hibernation”.

It’s a nice feeling to finally use my notebook and type again my blogs instead of school paperworks. It’s a nice feeling to read the insights of your fellow bloggers instead of due journals for school. its a nice feeling to finally interact with co-bloggers instead of watching in the sideline for quite sometime. And, it’s a really nice feeling to finally be back on my regular hobby, blogging!

I may not be your regular blogger who posts 3x/week and is updated 24/7 with all the happenings in the blogosphere. I am just your simple blogger who wants to share my crazy self out into the online world.

But I have made a “promise” to myself…. A promise that is not meant to be broken (I hope)

I promise myself to blog more and I try to promise myself to hit my 100th post just before I celebrate my anniversary here in blogger before the year ends.

I have learned many insights from co-bloggers, gained new acquaintances along the way and shared my sentiments and insights to the blogosphere. Blogging is my “online world and one of my heavens”. Nothing compares to the feeling of being able to express yourself into writing. That’s why I sometimes tell myself of how a frustrated writer I am. How I wish I could just trade my nurse’s vow into a writer’s pledge. But I cant simply do that… that’s why blogging is my only route to fulfill my heart‘s desire.

So, I say to ya all… barefoot’s back in business! Let’s keep it all coming, bloggers.

Laters…

motherhen, ny1?

2008-10-15T10:29:00.004+08:00

Early morning yesterday, I received a txt from one of my bestest friends, “I’m pregnant! Congratulate me! Yehey!” She’s six weeks on the way and her baby has a heartbeat. A couple of months ago, two of my close friends delivered a bouncing baby boy. And just a week ago, over coffee, my girlfriend told me I should get pregnant ASAP. Believe it or not, a month ago, I cried having the thought of getting pregnant but it was only a false alarm which gave me the biggest relief,ever.

Why am I scared of getting pregnant?! My hubby and have been together for 5 years and almost a year of legally married. And we’re both in the “right age and right time” to start our own family. So, why in the world do I still have it as an issue?! I stop and reflect on my self. And iv realized that, im very satisfied in being a wife but I am not ready to become a mother. Maybe perhaps, I feel I still have obligations with my parents, my family and to my career. We both feel the same. Plus, having a child of your own entails a lot of responsibilities that I feel is too hard to handle on my turf (for now). Im not saying I don’t want to have kids. Who doesn’t want to see their genes pass on to the next generation, ayt? But I guess, not yet for now… (pero sabi nga nila, pag ibibigay eh d ibibigay di ba?!, pero gusto ko ata made abroad ang junakis ko para nde na Philppine passport hawak nya! Hehehe)

We’re carefully planning our life together. We are enjoying our couplehood and slowly embracing the reality of being a parent soon. Most importantly, we are praying for God's plan for us. and if that plans comes along the way, we will accept it wholeheartedly. We want to make sure that we will offer the “best life” for our child. And we want to be ready when we have him/her in our life (emotionally and financially). I guess the money part comes easy. But the questionable part is the emotions and the reality of being a parent that is kinda hard to sink it. wadaheck, they always say it’s almost automatically instinct- that parental instinct kicks in. so, I say, kampai to that.

But then again, on second thought, Im really not yet ready to kampai to that… (is it bad?!)
Are you ready to become a motherhen, ny1?!

hibernation

2008-09-22T15:32:00.003+08:00

its been quite a while since iv blog...

hibernation, perhaps

thats why im currently on a " mandatory blog break"

mandatory because i simply cannot find enough time to spill all the matters of my mind and heart. i am way too busy now...

busy with school ( which is about to end, thank GOD!)
busy with family ( too many errands to do)
busy with married life ( no further explanation needed - winks)
and busy as i want to bee.... (watever)

enough of the excuses....
so, for now, i will just be observing in the sideline
and gonna break into the open soon...

coz for now,
hibernation hits my system...

laters....

flat affect

2008-08-12T06:00:00.000+08:00

A mail containing valuable documents which may affect my future career, it can make my career dilemma finally end or it may contain to worsen the hole that I’m in. It’s a break or make thingy for me. I just hope and pray it is really “the one true way” for me. I’m just leaving it all up to the boss up there.

I don’t want to anticipate neither plan for what’s in store for me the coming months ahead. Simply because I don’t want to get disappointed and get frustrated for the nth time. (again and again and again) That’s why im just taking it one step at a time. Im taking little toddler steps and not hurried adult steps. I don’t wanna get jaded by the bright light and then only discovering it was blinding the true picture at hand.

I’ve had so many disappointments and frustrations in my career life. I’ve been bruised and burned alive. I had so many setbacks along the way to reaching my dreams and plans. I had my share of it all. Maybe this time, the God Lord will answer my plee and bring me back on track and hopefully with His plan; I will be on the road to my career-happiness. Soon, I hope and really pray. AMEN

bittersweet symphony

2008-08-08T06:00:00.005+08:00

Barefoot: “ano hiwalay na naman kayo?!” bakit?
Havaianas: “ala lang.”
Barefoot: “aysus, stir mo ko, magbabalikan rin kyo nyan.”
Havaianas: “grl, whts wrong with me?”
Barefoot: “pok-pok ka kasi eh.”
Havaianas: “hopeless”
Barefoot: “pa therapy ka na nga, now na, tara na!”
Both: giggles

As I finished talking with one of my best friend regarding her unending cycle of saga love relationship stories, I came to reminisce the past college kikay days that we had. We were barkadas during college days. We‘ve shared almost everything and anything in our four year lives together in college but more importantly we’ve shared the sought after word called friendship (and still counting…yipee)

As I write this blog, (it’s my 2nd revision and super due late), I wanna deliver my message not by a story but by a simple unsolicited letter to a friend from a friend. Simple pero rock! Better late than never. So, here goes to you my dearest friend and to your bittersweet symphony!

It has been a decade since we 1st got to know each other. We were both strangers and I guess started on the wrong foot. But eventually, we became barkadas through the years, even bestbuds. We shared many memories together from trivial things to deep shit secrets. We’ve had our laughters and sorrows. We had our arguments and dramas, lola. Name it and we had experienced it one way or another.

We almost share the same “love story saga” only you were more kikay and landi than me. You had many boylets as you struggle to climb the love vein of mankind. We both had our fair share of love --- its crowning glory of bittersweet symphony. Many shared stories of kilig love moments, many scribbles in our lil pink notebooks, many weird but fun rendezvous with potential lovers, unrecounted meetings with strangers only to make fun or make out, several bonding double dates with our current beau, many tissue papers thrown in the bucket of tears, many grudges and baggage left out in the painful cruel rain, many Pandora’s boxes opened incautiously as we expel all our pains and sorrows from failed relationships and many lessons hopefully learned, even in the hardest ways. I can go on and on and on as I recount all the many things that seem to mirror our love story saga. Only now, I have ended my search for the so called, “the one” yet you are still in the search for yours as well I truly pray that you will end your search soon, in God’s time and plan..

We live in a cruel and challenging “love world”. As they say, it’s a jungle out there and how will you survive in your search for the ultimate happiness in your life. Lessons learned are learned in the hard way but lessons will only be fruitful in its essence if we undergo the normal phase of grieving when we’ve stumbled and fall along the rocky road of love.

My dearest friend, I want you find in the deepest of your heart the essence of your true happiness. Find in yourself the courage to move on and accept the reality that life is really cruel but you don’t have to be cruel in order to survive. I always tell you to find yourself first—love yourself, seek what really truly makes you happy deep within and have a quality alone time with yourself. It is the only way in which you can seek within yourself the true purpose of the many lessons that has been there right in front of you fro many years now.. I know it’s not easy and it’s very difficult to undergo the normal and usual DABDA grieving stage, but it’s your only way to relinquish and live out the lessons in those pains. For if not, the cycle will continue as if you’re not learning anything from it. Masochism is merely a temporary escape route for you but you will reach a time in your life when you will get tired of it and will sulk into depression. You will get tired of the burden and will seek out peace within you.

All your boylets may give you pleasure and happiness for now, but do yourself a big favor and give yourself the right happiness and peace of mind that you truly deserve. You’re a smart and beautiful woman, inside and out, it only needs a big nudge to realize that you deserve the best rather than what you have in your lap right now.

No matter what road you take, no matter what path you choose to travel, if that will make you happy, I will support you all the way. It just pains my heart to see you in such uncompromising complex situations although you almost seem to enjoy every bit of it. I will never get tired of telling you how much I will be here for you because at the end of the day, it is still your final call. I am just here if you need a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen, a punching bag to shout your grudges, call a therapy and whatever you wanna do, I will just be here. Always remember that there’s no such thing as a hopeless case, look at me, aight?! It takes a lot of courage and pride to put a stop to a pleasurable yet complex life that you are living, but trust me, in the end of a dark tunnel comes a shining light ahead. It will be worthy, if you just look towards a simpler and maybe “boring” road. You can never tell, what lies ahead of you. Always have a hopeful heart and clean aura, for the universe will attract the right colors to brighten your world.

Friends will forever be here at your beckon call. And I will be here for you no matter what it takes. If it takes a major cranial surgery to remove the helmet in your head. If it takes a major bypass surgery to reconstruct the fatty layers of your heart. If it takes a great shamalan to wave out bad spirits in your aura. If all that needs to be taken in order for you to be at the right track, I will support you all the way… I will try to convince you to come to the light, but I can just do so little.

It is still your final reach, girl! So, deal or no deal?!? I sound so Love Notes here, but hey, loka loka ka kasi at blog ko ito.. kaya pagbigyan mo na ko! hehehe

As I always say, if it makes you happy, suportahan taka (alam mo nmn ako kunsintidora). And btw, as I was cleaning out my boxes full of memories from friends, I came across one note from you dated July 1, 2001 “I hope you’ll find the right path and if you have troubles finding it, I will just be here for you.”
And now, as you face your own demons and crossroads, I say to you… may you find the right path for you and as always--- I will be here for you, girl! .

Yun lang po at mahal po kita, aking kaibigang baliw! mwah

"reMEniscing"

2008-08-07T18:00:00.002+08:00

Reminiscence – an account of remembered experiences done by talking, thinking and writing.

Last night, as I struggled to work on my journals for school but to no avail, I’ve decided to go online instead and kill time. I was doing my usual blog rounds, emails, net surf and chatting with friends. Until, I accidentally stumbled upon 2 personas who were part of my “past” --- a very dear friend and an old flame. And I would like to call it as reminisce night. I was happy to see them and catch up on some lost times and brush up on the past, in a way.

The “1st reminisce person” for the night was a very good old friend of mine. We’ve known each other for almost a decade now. We were partners in almost all the crazy days I had before. He became a household name before and was constantly there if I needed a guy’s viewpoint to all my crazy love saga. He tired to pursue me but was futile. In the end, our friendship was more important to us than any romantic connections. He was the guy version of my old self, call it mirrored personality. Back then, he would always ask me to tag along on his many girl rendezvous, demands to help him in his music career, always asks for free foods and gimiks and regularly makes our house as his official tambayan.That is why, up to now, its funny to see him still unchanging and is still an eligible bachelor. He always jokes me that since I got married I became boring and was so renewed, he felt left out but still his very happy for my present new life.

Barefoot: “daya mo, nde mo ko niyaya sa gig mo!”
Musikero: “aysus, magpapalibre klng at masydo ka na renewed for a nyt life!”
Barefoot:”yabang mo!”
Musikero: “lagot ako kay papu no o kya si papu na lng isama ko! “
Musikero: “sapok gusto mo!”
Musikero: “joke lng kaw pa, malakas ka sa kin!”

Sometimes, we may lose touch and don’t regularly see each other but we both know that the friendship lies deep within. And I know, anytime I need a help, he’ll always be there for me. (kaya pare, pautang! Kampai! Hehehe)

The “2nd reminisce person” for the night was an “old flame”. He was a past who made my life topsy turvy, literally. We didn’t exactly open the Pandora’s Box, there’s no use to it. But we kinda brushed up on old recollections. And as I go through my mind, I was a crazy biatch then. Laughter filled my mind and can just simply say, “well, shit happens to us back then.” We can no longer turn back time but what we had were lessons well learned. At the end of the conversation, I was able to say thank you (still), for if not for “our past” I wouldn’t be able to see my true happiness.

Bestfren: “anong gagawin mo pag nakita mo ang mga ex mo?”
Barefoot: “iv always wanted to personally say thank you to them.”
Bestfren: “ang weird mo! sinaktan at iniwanan ka na nga nila, tpos mag ta thank you ka pa?!”
Barefoot: “nde yun weird no! ala stir, mag thank you talaga ko. Kz if not for them,

nde ako mapapadpad sa mga yakap ni papu ko ngayon no!”
Bestfren: “aww, korak! pero ang jutangs dnt 4gt grl!”
Barefoot: “loka! Hehehe!”
With the overwhelming and overflowing happiness that I have right now, it is but right to thank those of my past, for without them, I wouldn’t really appreciate the worthiness of my life right now. (kaya para sa inyo, tnx po and I nid those cash back, kidding!)

If you are able to freely talk about the past and just laughed about it, it’s a good sign you have finally moved on, no more bitterness and pains, only pieces of old memories. That’s why whenever I reminisce, it feels good coz I have moved on (plus omg it has been ages). It doesn’t mean that you’re rekindling old sparks but instead it lets you look back on your life and assess whether you are on the right track. It helps you stay grounded and recognize the value of living “the life”! And more importantly, it makes you feel so grateful for the valuable life experiences and lessons that you will keep for a lifetime and even share to your future generations. Reminiscing once in a while is always a good reality check.

My bestfriend asked me if I regret anything in the past and if I were to turn back time, what would I do? --- I do not regret anything that happened in the past, in fact, I’m very open with my past and I’m proud of what the past gave me. If I could turn back time (which is kinda exciting), I will still choose the life I had back then. Yep, same old ME. No edits needed, neither will I delete or add anything. No changes, as it is. I will relinquish all of it, same persons, experiences and lessons; the joys and pains, for if not for those experiences my life now wouldn’t be as worthwhile.

As I look at my snoring and lovable husband in bed while recalling my past--- that eventually led me to him, I just gave a big sigh and felt uber grateful to the God Lord… truly indeed it was all worthy!!! (winks)

PS. (pagbigyan mo na ko bby sa mga kasentihan ko, 2tal blog ko ito hehehe)

road less traveled

2008-08-07T06:00:00.001+08:00

Two of my bestest friends are in a love dilemma right now. And both of them, in different occasion, asked me how I manage to face my own demons and walk out of it with a successful big grin.

Come to think of it, I never really knew how I did it. It just sorta came to its own mind and suddenly all the pieces of my broken life was put in its proper perspective. As they say, destiny suddenly made my life turned up the notch.

I lived a crazy life back then, looking back, I never regret any single one of it, for it made me to where I am now. I had depressed stages and ice queen season where in all I have in my heart was pure bitterness, revenge and grudges. Until one day, it hit me like a big meteor shower, that my life was a big freaking mess. I had to choose whether to follow the path down and burn in hell or walk my path up and be in blissful serenity.

“Masarap ang maging single no! Puro ka lang date tska walang commitment.”

It wasn’t easy to choose. I loved the single arena. You have your independence. Date who ever you want and splurge into temporary happiness and pleasure. The excitement of complex set ups always was a big adrenaline rush. But in the end, it was a tiring saga of failed hopeless relationships. I was in my mid 20’s but with a mind and heart of a toddler, always wanting to get everything at hand and doesn’t know the word “NO”.

“Girl, are you kidding me, magkaka jowa ka na seryoso?! Oh it’ll be boring, you’re missing out a lot and giving up your single-blessedness!”

It came to a point, where I had a big knockout from up above, I was in a situation wherein I had to choose between the life I was currently loving and living back then and a life unsure of it certainty and might be boring due to its simplicity. Only then to realize that the kind of life whom I thought would be another fruitless encounter would be the right one for me. It is without a doubt, the best life I have right now.

I took the courage to face all my demons and battled my fights fairly. I was in a crossroad and took the risk to the less road traveled. I lived my life with experiences worthwhile because in the end God gave me this life I have right now --- and I could not ask for more!!!

Hubby: “Uy, pare. MIsis ko!” (wow, nde lng sarap pakinggan sarap pa ng feeling)
Friend ni hubby: “Naks, pare, finally… congrats sa inyo ha… buti pa kyo!”
Hubby: “Kaya nga eh sobrang saya.Salamat!” (sabay kiss sa akin at squeezed my hand tightly)
Wifey: sighs with unending gratitude

So, would you choose the road less traveled?! Just a thought, perhaps…

Laters…

august

2008-08-06T15:52:00.004+08:00

It’s the rainy month of August again. August is a month with a few holiday in the calendar. It is also the month of Habagat season for beachbum travelers and a lean season for airline industry. It is also the month filled with unexpected rains and suns but mostly considered as the rainy month. It is the month where most classes are suspended and floods rule the city. And its all because of the August rains.

August rains are blessings for me. August is considered to be my red-letter month. It is because of two reasons : it is my birth month and it is my love month.

It is the month that God gave me to my parents and was born into this world. It was a rainy afternoon August day when my mother delivered me, their 1st born child. Rainy afternoon August day was a blessing to me and my family. Also, this is the month, where I 1st met my loving husband. Again, it was a rainy afternoon August day when we crossed our paths and the rest was history. Another rainy afternoon August day was a blessing to me and my husband. Whew, as they say, when it rains, it pours... and it really did on me! (smiles)

August month usually and continually reminds me of the many blessings I have received during this part of the year and I will forever be grateful for those August rains because indeed they were all blessings from up above!

laters...

oversupply

2008-07-09T22:40:00.007+08:00

Last night, it was reported on the news that there is an oversupply of nurses here in the Philippines. There are high rates of unemployment for nurses in the country. According to the news research c/o PNA (Phil. Nurses Association) reasons includes: the retrogression in the US and the growing strictness of overseas application for nurses around the globe due to the growing demands for efficient nurses, local hospitals overstaffed with nurses, higher rates of training fees for new nurses, higher qualifications for employment and the lists goes on.

This was my predicament for almost a year now. My hubby disagrees with me on this matter. According to him, its logic that nurses simple doesn’t get a downfall. Patients will continue to go to hospitals and need the service of a nurse. He doesn’t see yet the real picture of nursing profession in our country.

But as per history dictates, there where cycles of nursing recession around the world. The demands for nurses may still be there but the demands to export nurses may be questioned. It is a given rule that hiring foreign nurses is a great business. They have to spend big capitals to hire nurses here in our country. And with the present global economic recession, I don’t think other countries will gamble on us for now. That is why, many nurses with ongoing petitions to the US, are stuck here for years now because of retrogression. Many nursing graduates every year are not given the opportunity to land a job. Because others who have plans to go abroad are put on hold and they simply can’t resign from their hospital jobs thus staff turnovers are low. Simply put in words, there is increasing number of nurses yet there are lesser job opportunities to fill the growing gap. Do you see my point?!? (hehehe)

Nursing is on its downhill. It is not a lucrative career for now. It just saddens me because nursing in our country has become a business. Despite the present situation, nursing schools are like mushrooms around town. They are milking cows and insensitive parasites giving false hopes to future nurses who only want to earn loads of money.

Reality check please! FYI, Now is not the right time to take up nursing neither to take a career in the nursing academe. Nurses now have different jobs on call centers, corporate world, business or even just a plain bum. Nurses are overstaffed in Philippine hospitals; most of the prestigious institutions are freeze hiring nurses or even charge a greater amount for training causing a pain in the ass of a newly inducted Pinoy nurse. A nurse who plans to go abroad experience a thick wall to climb and finds it very difficult to reach their dreams. Nursing now is on its downhill, check our history and you will discover that my predicament is true. Sad but true.

And reality bites hard, really!

"dog-tired barefoot"

2008-07-08T22:29:00.002+08:00

Every Saturday I feel as if a vampire sucked out galloons of my blood supply making me a weakling. As if my energy field has been suctioned out of my system by a pumping machine. As if my mind will just blow up and explode in an instance making my body paralyzed like a zombie. As if, I’m about to retire to deep slumber. Dead beat and worn-out me!

I am mentally and physically drained during this day, it’s the day of my masteral studies. Although, I’m only taking 3 long hours of 3 subjects each within the whole day, it’s as if it’s a 12- hour long toxic duty. Imagine, how much more exhaustion will I feel if I took another subject to make it a full load. I will become very dog-tired. Thank God, I didn’t enroled another one coz I think I will not be able to make it alive after Saturday classes. hehehe

I am really exhausted. It’s eating up my weekdays and even weekends. My usual lazy weekdays have turned out to be a weeklong for completion of necessary requirements to be submitted on a Saturday. My usual Saturday date with my hubby or night out with friends turns out to be a busy day in school and whenever I get home, exhaustion feels my existence to the brim!

Often times, I’m regretting why I went back to school and pursue further studies. With the new career opportunity at hand, I wonder will I still be able to pursue this degree despite the many hassles along the way?!? Will this masteral units earned be credited elsewhere or not at all?! Questions feel my drained brain and exhausted body.

But still, (I tend to instill in my system- hehehe) with the hunger and thirst for new knowledge and skills, a different environment with new faces and personality, a whole new feeling of regaining my confidence… I still breathe, give a big sigh and say “bring it on!” (I still tend to believe—argh)

laters....

blank

2008-07-03T23:30:00.002+08:00

I stare at the blinking cursor on my notebook’s bright screen.
I stare on the blank and empty document.

I stare not knowing what to write.
I stare not feeling anything to share.

I stare out into the open
My minds bugged by so many things.
Too much! I shout inside my brain…

There are many complexities in life
Too much, too handle
With this one brain that I have on top,
With this one heart I have at the center,
Its getting too much, too handle…

I stare at the blinking cursor on my notebook’s bright screen.
I stare on what seems to be a something
Words visited and became a blurred idea,
I finally stare and it was really nothing…

ps. author is on a perplexed state of mind (apathetic)

laters...

"teacher me? teacher u?"

2008-06-26T10:04:00.004+08:00

A speaker once said, if you’re only getting into the academe for the mere reason of money/finances, you’re heading the wrong track. Because teaching must come from within, you interact and share yourself with your students unconditionally.

As those words echoes in the labyrinths of my eardrum, it pricks me like an ant, guilty as charged!

An acquaintance once told me, “You should work in the academe; you’re very articulate and smart! You have a lot to share with the students. Swak ka for the job!” It was a great boost of ego indeed but why didn’t I took it by heart?!

Being a teacher/professor/instructor is a great challenge.

I strongly believe it takes a lot of courage, patience and heart in order to teach. I for one don’t have the heart yet. Perhaps that’s the reason why I turned down opportunities to work in the academe. “wala pa sa puso ko ang magturo.”

I don’t wanna teach for the mere reason of earning double or even triple digits per month. I don’t wanna teach for the reason of fame or social status. I wanna teach for the right reason and personally, the right reason is when I have learned and even found in the deepest of my heart that I like (not even love yet) to teach. As simple as that, I guess.

I believe that if I took the job now, it will just be a j-o-b not a vocation or a career. It’ll be another job that I will regret getting myself into because it’s not what I like doing or enjoy even. It’ll be another chained working legs and thorn heart. That’s what I felt when I almost accepted a teaching job in a university. I felt it really isn’t for me…

As I am battling a career dilemma now, I have yet to see what’s in it for me. Maybe this opportunity was given to test new waters, but I don’t feel like jumping in it, yet. Maybe soon or then again, maybe not… who knows?!?

Laters…

library

2008-06-25T21:58:00.005+08:00

It is an important element in education. It enriches the mind of a student. It should be a haven of books, periodicals, educational materials and etcetera that is needed to gather research and knowledge beyond the confines of a classroom and lectures of an educator.

As I search the university library I’m enrolled in, I felt sad and desperate. Simply because I can’t find good enough library resources that could help me in my research studies. Then, I remembered how lucky I was having an opportunity to be nourished by my alma mater with 2 building of libraries that are well equipped with books, periodicals, etc that made my college life easier. As I struggled to cope with graduate school, I thank my alma mater for giving me the perks of still using the library in order for me to find all my research thingies possible.

Realization hit me again. I am not disparaging schools without good libraries or taking proud of my alma mater’s resources. But what bothers my mind is how the opportunity to learn from a library impacts the youth of today.

What will happen to less fortunate individuals who wanna enrich their minds? What will happen to schools who can’t afford to provide a well equipped library to their student? What kind of discouragement the school is providing their students? How does one research for a certain topic if the library they have is not readily available? Such and such questions really are a big hole in the education system in our country. Lacking of such is really a pain in the ass. Students aren’t encouraged to use the library because it is incomplete and lacks depths. Students aren’t encouraged to widen their research ability and are dismay on the kind of facilities they have in their respective schools. The government should place a big bulk of budget in this area or the school per se should allocate enough funds in building a good library. A good library not only well equipped with books, periodicals, written manuscripts etc but also with a high tech internet access for their students. It may sound so pricey and ambitious but having this is for a good future of students.

Laters…

separation anxiety

2008-06-17T11:30:00.000+08:00

2yrs of bumhood. 2yrs of housewife-hood. 2 blissful years. 2yrs roller coaster ride of emotions.
Am I going crazy?!

As I cry myself like a baby in literally a fetal position late at night. I began to wonder whether I’m really going crazy or I’m already crazy. Too bad, I only ended up with swollen chinky eyes, red stuffed nose, throbbing headache, heavy feeling and a stressful downfall.

My hubby was leaving again for Cebu for some work assignments and this time I’m not coming for the simple reason of probably getting to start a job soon. But why am I not happy of landing a job most people want to have?!? I really don’t know. Sometimes I can’t comprehend my being. I wanna get a job. I don’t wanna get a job. I’m happy being a bum. I’m not happy being a bum. Job or no job. Happy or not happy?!

For the past 2years, I believe I lost my self esteem in terms of career wise. I lost my confidence down the drain! That’s why, most of the time I feel I’m not worthy of such job opportunities coming my way. Thus, I end up not grabbing anything. The problem lies within me! I’m not one person who gets a job just for the mere reason of money and fame. I get a job that I think I’m happy deep inside. Job satisfaction for me comes from within, not only because of monetary benefits but because I believe I can be a better me when I have this kind of job. It may not be practical; it’s even altruistic in nature. But that’s how I see it. What’s the point of having a job that pays so high or even low when you’re not happily contented doing that kind of prestigious or even low key job?!? It’s very difficult to wake up each day with a heavy heart, trying to walk on a heavy road of your work. It’s like you’re literally dragging your chained feet just to work. Do you see my point?!

I felt that when I worked abroad. That’s why, I promised myself I will never allow it to happen again. But most of the opportunities knocking my way, leads me to such gruesome moments again! And I wonder, why?! Was it all a test of courage for me?! If it was, well sadly, I got defeated! Crash and burn alive!

When my hubby delivered me the news of his re assignment again in down south, it was also the day I got the news that I will be starting work soon. I felt ambivalent. I felt sad because my hubby will not be physically there to support me in my “1st week in hell”. Literally, I was like a toddler who for the 1st time goes to school and cries so loud because their parents are going to leave them alone. Do you get the picture?!

According to wikipedia:

Separation anxiety disorder is a psychological condition in
which an individual has excessive anxiety regarding separation
from home or from people to whom the individual has a strong emotional attachment
(like a mother). Present in all age groups, adult separation anxiety disorder
(affecting roughly 7% of adults) is more common than childhood separation
anxiety disorder (affecting approximately 4% of children).

I think I'm having a separation anxiety. Anxiously separating from my hubby physically, who’s my ultimate support system and has a strong attachment of course. Separation anxiety from the reality of bumhood to working class. Argh! I really can’t explain that much. My emotions are intertwined with lots of complexities. My stress level is causing my health to deteriote. My mind is losing it’s sanity state! I’m really really really lost in this career mess that I got myself in.

I really don’t know now… I’m at lost and I hope I’ll soon find the right way to my redeem my insanity, soon! Better hurry up!

sexual compatibilty

2008-06-16T10:57:00.000+08:00

Are you sexually compatible with your mate? I took this free test online out of boredom. And lo and behold, I am very much compatible with my hubby. Actually, without even taking the test, of course, I ultimately know we are coz if not, why would I marry him in the 1st place?!

Most of us think that sexual compatibility isn’t really a big factor in considering when talking about marriage. I strongly disagree, with the growing number of infidels; you would wonder why sexual compatibility plays one of the factors in a relationship. Based on surveys, most infidelity issues can be correlated with sexual incompatibiltity problems. Personally, a friend of mine isn’t satisfied sexually with his partner that’s why he felt a void in his sexual life, thus leading him into elicit affairs.

Man by nature has the mating instinct, to procreate and enjoy the life that God gave him. It’s not lustful in a sense but it’s part of our genes as human instinct dictates is to mate and procreate.
Love is shown thru affection and one great act would be to make love to your partner. And that’s we’re sexual compatibility comes into the big picture. You should jive with the same music and wavelength in order to get satisfied with whatever you both have.

Then goes the question: how do you test your sexual compatibility prior to marriage? Does Pre marital sex a pre requisite? (I’ll discuss that on my next series of posts)

But again, the bottom line of it, after the libido tamed down, the years grown old and skin wrinkled, the reproductive system’s ability to mate deteriorated, the romance slowed down and etcetera--- the ultimate factor to consider is still companionship, nonetheless!