Humour For All Occasions

So is there is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls?

2012-02-15T18:52:00.000+11:00

.We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls. But do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS – Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically, speaking there is no difference in the outcome.Both result in death.

Jack Daniels Fishing Story

2012-02-15T02:08:00.000+11:00

My mate Jerry told me this after his last fishing trip!!

I went fishing this morning but after a short time I ran out of worms. Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass bait.
Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him right behind the head,
took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

The dilemma then was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp. I then released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. It was that snake, with two more frogs.

Finding a Lost Wife on Valentines day

2012-02-14T16:27:00.000+11:00

A man out shopping with his wife on Valentines day approaches a young blond woman in a shop.

He says I can’t find my wife, can I talk to you for a few minutes?

The blond says sure but do you have any idea where your wife is?

Not a clue, but whenever I talk to a woman with great breasts like yours she appears out of nowhere!

Happy Valentine Day

Edward De Bono outside the square views on Ageing

2012-02-13T16:48:00.001+11:00

Edward de Bono Maltese born and 79 this year is world renowned for his outside the square ideas and his Six Thinking Hats. .Here is an example in this alleged conversation overheard between him and a colleague.

De Bono

"You know, when I was 25 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with both hands.

By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried hard.

By the time I was 60, I could bend it 20 degrees, no problem.

When I was 70 next week, and I could bend it in half with one hand.

His Mate

"So, what's your point?"

De Bono

"Well, I'm wonder how much stronger I will be when I am 80 next year"

Stories in Numbers

2012-02-11T14:20:00.001+11:00

THIS IS INCREDIBLE... Read all the Numbers....

Do it Slowly and in Order!!
Be Careful not to MISS ANY

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19
20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27
28 29 30

Easy eh?

Tomorrow I will send you the ABC’s,

Its so easy to amuse old people.

F1gur471v3ly 5p34k1ng?

2012-02-10T13:11:00.000+11:00

Good example of a Brain Study: If you can read this you have a strong mind:

7H15 M3554G3 53RV35 7O PR0V3 H0W 0UR M1ND5 C4N D0 4M4Z1NG 1MPR3551V3 7H1NG5!

1N 7H3 B3G1NN1NG 17 WA5 H4RD BU7 N0W, 0N 7H15 LIN3 Y0UR M1ND 1S R34D1NG 17 4U70M471C4LLY W17H0U7 3V3N 7H1NK1NG 4B0U7 17,

B3 PROUD! 0NLY C3R741N P30PL3 C4N R3AD 7H15. PL3453 F0RW4RD 1FU C4N R34D 7H15.

New Ways of STEALING . . .

2012-02-09T03:02:00.001+11:00

SCENE 1.

A friend went to the local gym and placed his belongings in the locker. After the workout and a shower, he came out, saw the locker open, and thought to himself, 'Funny, I thought I locked the locker...

Hmm, 'He dressed and just flipped the wallet to make sure all was in order.

Everything looked okay - all cards were in place...

A few weeks later his credit card bill came - a whooping bill of $14,000!

He called the credit card company and started yelling at them, saying that he did not make the transactions.

Customer care personnel verified that there was no mistake in the system and asked if his card had been stolen...

'No,' he said, but then took out his wallet, pulled out the credit card, and yep - you guessed it - a switch had been made. An expired similar credit card from the same bank was in the wallet.

The thief broke into his locker at the gym and switched cards.

Verdict: The credit card issuer said since he did not report the card missing earlier, he would have to pay the amount owed to them.

How much did he have to pay for items he did not buy?

$9,000! Why were there no calls made to verify the amount swiped?

Small amounts rarely trigger a 'warning bell' with some credit card companies.

It just so happens that all the small amounts added up to big one!

============================

SCENE 2 .

A man at a local restaurant paid for his meal with his credit card.

The bill for the meal came, he signed it and the waitress folded the receipt and passed the credit card along.

Usually, he would just take it and place it in his wallet or pocket. Funny enough, though, he actually took a look at the card and, lo and behold, it was the expired card of another person.

He called the waitress and she looked perplexed.

She took it back, apologized, and hurried back to the counter under the watchful eye of the man.

All the waitress did while walking to the counter was wave the wrong expired card to the counter cashier, and the counter cashier immediately looked down and took out the real card.

No exchange of words --- nothing! She took it and came back to the man with an apology..

Verdict: Make sure the credit cards in your wallet are yours.

Check the name on the card every time you sign for something and/or the card is taken

away for even a short period of time.

Many people just take back the credit card without even looking at it, 'assuming'

that it has to be theirs.

FOR YOUR OWN SAKE, DEVELOP THE HABIT OF CHECKING YOUR CREDIT CARD EACH TIME IT IS RETURNED TO YOU AFTER A TRANSACTION!

==========================

SCENE 3:

Yesterday I went into a pizza restaurant to pick up an order that I had called in.

I paid by using my Visa Check Card which, of course, is linked directly to my checking Account.

The young man behind the counter took my card, swiped it, then laid it on the counter as he waited for the approval, which is pretty standard procedure.

While he waited, he picked up his cell phone and started dialling. I noticed the phone because it is the same model I have, but nothing seemed out of the ordinary.

Then I heard a click that sounded like my phone sounds when I take a picture. He then gave me back my card but kept the phone in his hand as if he was still pressing buttons.

Meanwhile, I'm thinking: I wonder what he is taking a picture of, oblivious to what was really going on.

It then dawned on me: the only thing there was my credit card, so now I'm paying close attention to what he is doing..

He set his phone on the counter, leaving it open. About five seconds later, I heard the chime that tells you that the picture has been saved.

Now I'm standing there struggling with the fact that this boy just took a picture of my credit card.

Yes, he played it off well, because had we not had the same kind of phone, I probably would never have known what happened.

Needless to say, I immediately cancelled that card as I was walking out of the pizza parlour. All I am saying is, be aware of your surroundings at all times.

Whenever you are using your credit card take caution and don't be careless.

Notice who is standing near you and what they are doing when you use your card.

Be aware of phones, because many have a camera phone these days..

Never let your card out of your sight.....check and check again!

Scary isn't it.....

Snotty Receptionist

2012-01-27T14:18:00.000+11:00

Yesterday I was sitting in a crowded doctors waiting room and an retired guy came in and went to the counter

He looked a bit on edge as he approached the receptionist's and gave her his name.

A large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler, she said in a very loud voice, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All the people snapped their heads around too see a very embarrassed man, But he quickly recovered and in an equally loud voice replied,

'NO, I’VE COME TO ABOUT MY SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."

The room erupted in applause!

DON'T MESS WITH OLD RETIRED GUYS

Mrs Brown and the condom

2012-01-25T14:00:00.000+11:00

Being a bit older like the so many who have seen this video I appreciate discussions on matters related to sex is not just for the young.

It is even more humorous when it is openly discussed by the older more experienced. This very BBC skit is an example. ..

Miracle Impotence Cure Found

2012-01-24T14:26:00.000+11:00

My wife told me to go to the doctors and get some of those tablets that 'help' get an erection.

You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills!

I'm still looking for a place to live.

“When God Created Husbands Promise”

2012-01-23T14:32:00.000+11:00

While creating husbands, God promised women that good and ideal husbands would be found in all corners of the world……...

………….Then He made the earth round.

Dolphins are so smart

2012-01-17T13:47:00.000+11:00

Did you know that dolphins are so smart, within a few weeks they can train a human to stand on the edge of a pool and throw them fish.

PROSTATE CHECKUP

2012-01-11T18:07:00.001+11:00

An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor. The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, '99'.

The old guy obeys and says,"99".The doctor says, "Great". Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, '99".Again, the old guy says, '99'."

The doctor said, "Very good". Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, '99'.

The old guy begins,

One,

Two,

Three,

You don't stop laughing because you grow old.

You grow old because you stop laughing!!

Places I have been

2012-01-09T10:24:00.000+11:00

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots, hear you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with others.

I've never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. I has no airport so you have to be driven there.I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place, and I try not to visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favourite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

And, sometimes I think I am in Vincible but life shows me I am not!

A Student got 0% on this Exam. I would have given him 100% .

2012-01-08T17:38:00.000+11:00

Here are the questions & the student’s answers,

Check how would you go?

_______________________________________________________________

Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?
* his last battle

Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
* at the bottom of the page

Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?
* liquid

Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?
* marriage

Q5. What is the main reason for failure?
* exams

Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?
* Lunch & dinner

Q7. What looks like half an apple?
* The other half

Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
* It will simply become wet

Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ?
* No problem, he sleeps at night.

Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
* You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..

Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ?
* Very large hands

Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
* No time at all, the wall is already built.

Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
*Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.

5 clever ideas to make life easier

2012-01-08T17:17:00.000+11:00

Some handy ideas found and assembled in one place on blogs around the web

Why didn’t I think of that?! We guarantee you’ll be uttering those words more than once at these ingenious little tips, tricks and ideas that solve everyday problems … some you never knew you had!

(Above: hull strawberries easily using a straw).
.

Via: apartmenttherapy.com
Rubbing a walnut over scratches in your furniture will disguise dings and scrapes.
.

.Via: unplggd.com
Remove crayon masterpieces from your TV or computer screen with WD40 (also works on walls).

.
.Via: athomewithrealfood.blogspot.com
Stop cut apples browning in your child’s lunch box by securing with a rubber band..

Via: MailScanner has detected a possible fraud attempt from "www.marthastewart.com" claiming to be marthastewart..com

Overhaul your linen cupboard – store bedlinen sets inside one of their own pillowcases and there will be no more hunting through piles for a match.
.Via: realsimple.com
Pump up the volume by placing your iPhone / iPod in a bowl – the concave shape amplifies the music.

.
.Via: savvyhousekeeping.com
Re-use a wet-wipes container to store plastic bags.

.Via: iheartnaptime.net
Add this item to your beach bag. Baby powder gets sand off your skin easily – who knew?!
.

.Via: realsimple.com
Attach a velcro strip to the wall to store soft toys.

Via: flickr.com
Look up! Use wire to make a space to store gift wrap rolls against the ceiling, rather than cluttering up the floor.
..

Via: instructables.com
Gotcha! Find tiny lost items like earrings by putting a stocking over the vacuum hose.
..

Via: realsimple.com
Make an instant cupcake carrier by cutting crosses into a box lid.
..

Via: stephmodo.com
For those who can’t stand the scrunching and bunching: how to perfectly fold a fitted sheet.
.

Via: sprwmn.blogspot.com
Forever losing your bathroom essentials? Use magnetic strips to store bobby pins (and tweezers and clippers) behind a vanity door
.

Via: realsimple.com
A tip for holiday packing. Store shoes inside shower caps to stop dirty soles rubbing on your clothes. And you can find them in just about every hotel!
.

.Via: familyfun.go.com
A muffin pan becomes a craft caddy. Magnets hold the plastic cups down to make them tip-resistant.

.Via: unplggd.com
Bread tags make the perfect-sized cord labels.
.

Via: kiboomu.com
Bake cupcakes directly in ice-cream cones – so much more fun and easier for kids to eat.
..

Via: squawkfox.com
Microwave your own popcorn in a plain brown paper bag. Much healthier and cheaper than the packet stuff.
..

Via: MailScanner has detected a possible fraud attempt from "smg.photobucket.com" claiming to be photobucket.com
Brilliant space-saver: install a tension rod to hang your spray bottles. Genius!
..

Via: 9gag.com
Win friends at breakfast with this heart-shaped egg tutorial. Aww shucks!
.

.Via: wilton.com
Turn your muffin pan upside down, bake cookie-dough over the top and voila – you have cookie bowls for fruit or ice-cream. Click here for recipe.

.
.

Via: realsimple.com
Freeze Aloe Vera in ice-cube trays for soothing sunburn relief.

Via: MailScanner has detected a possible fraud attempt from "www.lifehacker.com..au" claiming to be lifehacker.com.au
Gutter garden: Create a window-box veggie patch using guttering.
.

Via: re-nest.com Use egg cartons to separate and store your Christmas decorations.

The Fisherman and the Talking Frog

2012-01-07T17:03:00.000+11:00

A guy is 72 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.'
He looked around and couldn't see anyone.

He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, ‘Pick me up.'
He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'

The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you.’ Pick me up, then kiss me, and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!'

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front pocket.

The frog said, 'What, are you crazy? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, 'Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.

' With age comes wisdom.

The Hooker- Immigrant style

2012-01-06T16:53:00.000+11:00

An illegal immigrant picks up a hooker ........ "Hey, how much you charge for da hour, sister?" he asks.

"$ 100" she replies.

In broken English, he says, "Do you do immigrant style?"

"No" she says.

"I pay you $200 to do immigrant style."

"No," she says, not knowing what immigrant style is.

"I pay you $300."

"No," she says.

"I pay you $400."

"No," she says. So finally he says, "OK, I pay $1,000 to do immigrant style."

She thinks, "Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now. I've had every kind of request; from weirdo’s, from every part of the world. How bad could immigrant style be?" So she agrees and has sex with him. Finally, after several hours, they finish.

Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, "Hey, I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. But that was good. So, what exactly is immigrant style?"

The illegal immigrant replies, "You send bill to Government." ....

...AND THAT MY FRIENDLY TAXPAYERS, IS EXACTLY WHAT THE ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS ARE DOING TO US!

Question: Is sex Work?

2012-01-06T12:07:00.000+11:00

A Navy Colonel was about to start the morning briefing .

While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the colonel posed a question to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. And he then posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"

A Major chipped in with “its 75% work:. A Captain came back with 50%-50%. and a lieutenant said “I vote its 75% in favor of pleasure, depending on my inebriation state at the time.”

Being no consensus, the colonel asked to the PFC making coffee for his opinion.

“Without hesitation he replied “Sir, I say it has to be 100% pleasure.”

The Colonel, surprised by his directness, asked why?

"Well, sir, if there was work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them..

Norwegian Love Story

2012-01-05T10:38:00.000+11:00

Ole and Lena lived by a lake in nordern Nort Dakota (maybe Lake Metigoshe.) It vas early vinter and da lake had frozen over.

Ole asked Lena if she vould go to da yeneral store to get him some smokes.

She asked him for some money, but he said , “Nah, yust put it on our tab.”

So Lena valked across da frozen lake , got the smokes Ven she got home and gave Ole his smokes, she asked him, “Ole, you alvays tell me not to run up da tab at da store. Why didn’t you yust give me some money?”

Ole replied, “Vell, I didn’t vant to send you out dere vit some money ven I vasn’t sure how tick the ice vas yet.”

Granny's Back

2012-01-04T16:32:00.000+11:00

If sex was an Olympic event you'd be a natural , Once every four years.

Why Parents Drink

2012-01-03T16:24:00.001+11:00

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in. So he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper 'Hello ?'. 'Is your daddy home?' 'Yes, he's out in the garden', whispered the small voice. 'May I talk with him?' The child whispered, 'No'.

So the boss asked, 'Well, is your Mommy there?' 'Yes, she's out in the garden too'. The boss asked; 'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, 'No'.

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?' 'Yes', whispered the child, 'a policeman'.

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?' 'No, he's busy' whispered the child. 'Busy doing what?' 'Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the police dog men.' Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background.

The boss asked, 'What is that noise?' 'It's a helicopter' answered the whispering voice. 'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. 'The search team just landed a helicopter'
A search team?' said the boss. 'What are they searching for? Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle.... 'ME '

CONDOM HISTORY

2012-01-02T16:29:00.000+11:00

Interesting piece of history!

In 1272, the New Zealanders invented the condom, using a sheep's lower intestine.

In 1873, the British refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the sheep first.

What does marriage really mean?

2011-12-29T23:57:00.001+11:00

There are definably a lot of people with much to much time on their hands to come up with these “What does marriage really mean” cartoons.

Senior citizens didn’t take the melody out of music!!

2011-12-28T11:30:00.000+11:00

With a few exceptions this about says it all.

Senior citizens are constantly being criticized for every conceivable deficiency of the modern world,
real or imaginary. We know we take responsibility for all we have done and do not blame others.

HOWEVER, upon reflection, we would like to point out that it was NOT the senior citizens who took:

The melody out of music,
The pride out of appearance,
The courtesy out of driving,
The romance out of love,
The commitment out of marriage,
The responsibility out of parenthood,
The togetherness out of the family,
The learning out of education,
The service out of patriotism,
The Golden Rule from rulers,
The nativity scene out of cities,
The civility out of behavior,
The refinement out of language,
The dedication out of employment,
The prudence out of spending,
The ambition out of achievement,
God out of government and school.
And we certainly are NOT the ones who

eliminated patience and

tolerance from

personal relationships and interactions with others!!

YES, I'M A SENIOR CITIZEN!
I'm the life of the party...... even if it lasts until 8 p.m.
I'm very good at opening childproof caps.... with a hammer.
I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I am going.
I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.

I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a thing you're saying.
I'm very good at telling stories; over and over and over and over...
I'm aware other people's grandchildren are not nearly as cute as mine.
I'm so cared for -- long term care, eye care, private care, dental care.

I'm not really grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting in long lines, crowds, lawyers, unruly kids barking dogs, politicians and a few other things I can't seem to remember right now.

I'm sure everything I can't find is in a safe secure place, somewhere.
I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that's just my left leg.

I'm having trouble remembering simple words like.....
I'm beginning to realize that aging is not for wimps.
I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days, and when did they let kids become policemen?

I wonder, if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?

And, how can my kids be older than I feel sometimes?
I'm a walking storeroom of facts..... I've just lost the key to the storeroom door.

Yes, I'm a SENIOR CITIZEN and I think I am having the time of my life!

Now if I could only remember who sent this to me, I wouldn't send it back to them, but I would send it to many more too!

Now- Have I already sent this to you??????? If so, I'll try not to do it again (for a while.)
I love this little fellow. Have a great week.

"Don't ever take a fence down until you know the reason it was put up"