1000 Reasons I'm a Crap Mom

Reason #211 – I put my son in real danger

ofthesea — Sun, 26 Feb 2012 20:19:34 +0000

Yeah, yeah, so I do put him in danger on a daily basis without batting an eyelid, but this time there were consequences. And I felt horrible about it. In fact, I still do.Most of you know we were recently in Costa Rica taking care of some beach condo business, and as usual we stayed [...]

Bad Mom Quote of the Day – February 26, 2012

ofthesea — Sun, 26 Feb 2012 19:16:09 +0000

“Stop fighting and shit in peace, will you?” (“Dejá de pelear y cagá tranquilo” in the original Spanish) What I said to my kid, who’s trying to throw a tantrum (and poop at the same time) because I want to finish my breakfast before I go read him a book. To my eternal credit, I [...]

WORK IN PROGRESS

ofthesea — Sat, 25 Feb 2012 22:35:27 +0000

It seems my current blog theme is now pretty vulnerable, since I get virus warnings every day. Curses. Please have a drink and excuse me while I change into something more comfortable. I’m done with a big lump of paid work that was keeping me busy, and I will resume posting very very soon! Tweet

Bad Mom Quote of the Day – February 24, 2012

ofthesea — Sat, 25 Feb 2012 00:28:59 +0000

“Put Cheerios in the toilet, they like to aim at them.” Potty-training tip given to me with a winning smile by a neighbour… who obviously has no kids and therefore doesn’t know they will EAT the Cheerios the second you blink. Tweet

Bad Mom Quote of the Day – Feb 12, 2012

ofthesea — Sun, 12 Feb 2012 21:14:15 +0000

“It takes a while to learn to ignore your child.” What I sagely told my friend, who had her first baby one month ago and cannot bear to hear him crying. Tweet

Reason #210 – I get drunk on duty

ofthesea — Fri, 10 Feb 2012 15:08:20 +0000

First, a public service announcement: I’ve been patchy about posting here, and by patchy I mean LOUSY. I focused too much on the Facebook page… and on Facebook in general, and I let a lot of projects wilt and wither. NO MORE. I am going on an indefinite Facebook break (both personal and 1000 Reasons) [...]

Reason #209 – I killed Elmo

ofthesea — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 14:36:45 +0000

He had it coming. He had it coming. He only had himself to blame. So I killed him… …and then I desecrated his corpse… …and then I left it out for his brothers to find. NOTE: the following image may offend some people’s sensibilities. Click at your own peril. That cheerful red bastard had it [...]

Reason #208 – I prefer a bag of twigs to my son

ofthesea — Fri, 13 Jan 2012 04:55:43 +0000

My kid is going to have so many issues… so far in his short life he has already been neglected so I could spend more time with the Internet, a murder mystery book, two Swedish girls (one of which is heavily tattooed and pierced), wedding inspiration boards, doing dishes, and even photos of him. Bet you’re [...]

Reason #207 – I make a mockery of Christmas AGAIN

ofthesea — Sun, 18 Dec 2011 05:36:25 +0000

My Christmas behaviour has not been great the last 2 years, but this year I’ve really gone and done it. Like little Susie Derkins said: “Santa is gonna skip this block for years.” You see: I didn’t get anything for my kid’s first Christmas because he was barely 10 weeks old, and last year I gave [...]

Whisky sour, AT&T style

ofthesea — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 14:16:03 +0000

Yesterday was gonna be the day my blog made its glorious return to the airwaves. I had a blog post all thought out and everything. Reason #207: I spit on my son’s face. All we had to do was to plug in our modem at 8pm, type in the magic words, and SHAZAM! We’d be back [...]

On free wine, Margaritas, and a runaway platypus.

ofthesea — Fri, 18 Nov 2011 21:08:04 +0000

We have a winner for the amazing California Wine Club giveaway! This lucky girl will get one free wine delivery, and if it’s anything like the wines they’ve sent me, she’s in for a treat. But before I announce the winner, let’s talk about moms and booze. The word on the street is that moms [...]

Reason #206 – I give my son yet more material for psychotherapy

ofthesea — Wed, 16 Nov 2011 14:08:02 +0000

It is a widely known fact that I write this blog as therapy, both for my own sanity and for that of other moms out there who might be tempted off the ledge by the knowledge that I’m out here, being worse than they are. It is a perhaps less known fact that I write [...]

Reason #205 – I electrocute my child

ofthesea — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 12:53:47 +0000

Let me start by saying that I have not used an outlet cover since I lived at my mom’s place. Heck, not even then. I also keep electric appliances in the bathroom (my hairdryer’s diffuser won’t fit anywhere else), let C turn lights on and off, and when I yell at him for touching the [...]

Reason #204 – I try to give my son food poisoning

ofthesea — Wed, 02 Nov 2011 12:45:17 +0000

Vegetarians, look away now. This ain’t going to be pretty. For once, I am not going to write about my negligent standards, or how I feed my kid things that invariably make him sick, or how strangers have to intervene to make sure he does not eat something deadly. Nor am I going to write [...]

Reason #203 – I am a disgusting hypocrite

ofthesea — Mon, 31 Oct 2011 13:09:23 +0000

It is safe say, without fear of exaggerating, that my son is as radiantly beautiful as the dawn. His looks take my breath away on most days, and strangers fall over themselves to catch his eye and make him smile. I am not joking: only yesterday a lady in a store asked for my permission [...]