1,001 Suburban Nights

I Love You So Much I Want to Eat You - Aunt Stories

2016-09-16T19:28:00.003-07:00

I literally do not know how my brother and sister-in-law walk around knowing how much they must love their little ball of fat and happiness. I can barely control myself when I am away from him for more than a few days. Being an aunt is the best. I am never the boss, I am always the fun, huggy, lovey person who buys him fun things and picks him up when he falls but doesn't have to be the bad guy.

I had drinks with a former boss and current friend who wanted to warn me that she was going to give me a hug when she saw me. I didn't come from a hugely affectionate family, Irish people, at least from New England, are not super affectionate. I would give one because you know, I am not a monster. However, I let her know I am now full of hugging, hand holding, and kisses because of this little, fat, seemingly drunk, emotionally unstable monster.

I love this small fool. He reminds me of all the best things about my brother and sister-in-law, myself and our families all rolled into one. He doesn't even know how wonderful life is but he is freaking crazy happy about Cheerios. Imagine how much his mind would be blown when he learns about money and alcohol... I kid, I kid. There are memories I have of beauty, heartbreak, and laughter that I wish I could show him now but in time he will feel them and be amazed.

I did not know anything was missing in our family until Fatty McGoo showed up. Having someone so unbearably happy and loving towards you is an awesome gift. He was so happy to see me this week, he cried, he literally collapsed and cried until I picked him up and squished him. What an unstable gremlin. And yet I was like, I KNOW I FEEL IT TOO.

So thank you, you small wonder, you deranged and unbalanced perfection, thanks for being my nephew and making me a better, more open and hopeful person. I will try to be all the things you think I am if you promise to stop pulling my shirt down in public, that's just not cool dude.

What The Fuck Happened?

2015-10-14T17:43:00.001-07:00

So let's take account of my life right now.

Still living at home, so I have that not going for me.
I went from having 2 guys uber interested in me to 0.
I went from being critical to my company to being tossed out on my ass with less than 2 weeks severance.
I spend my days fighting unemployment and pushing my former employer to work with me to get me in a place where I can actually receive payment.
My car is approaching 200K miles, so you know, one for the record books.
I spend most nights home being someone I never thought I was, boring.

Ok just need to get this off my chest:

Now, don't get me wrong, I am not disclosing this because I am distraught. I mean I am but you know less in a Girl Interrupted way and more in a 'I can't believe this fucking happened' way. I am bringing this up because I feel like no one freaking talks about the crippling psychosis, anger, and feeling of worthlessness that comes with being laid off.

When you ask me how I am doing, I am not going to tell you I am doing fine, and you know, "networking, sending my resume around etc." For fucks sake of course I am doing that. Nonstop. Which of course makes me feel like even more of a failure. My job was my life. So no, I am NOT FINE.

Artist's rendition of me writing

Actually, I am mostly beyond the tear phase and have moved on to the irrational anger phase, more to come on that. Things weren't perfect before but I guess I had allowed my job to become my center so as long as I gave that 110%, I was able to anchor myself, I truly had passion for what I was doing. It is hard to see the light streaming in when you sequester yourself in a box, a box you built to suit your needs and that you felt kept you safe. I hate change, so I am not he ideal candidate for a total life upheaval, shocking.

I have actually learned some things in these 6 weeks. YOU are your best advocate. You need to take care of yourself first and never assume you are totally safe or on calm waters.

There are some interesting side effects to my new jobless persona. Like, today I was in Target and seriously felt that I was going to lose my shit because some kid kept asking what each thing on a shelf was. THEY'RE ALL MADE IN CHINA KID BY SOME POOR BASTARD CHILD LABORERS WELCOME TO THE TRUTH TRAIN BITCH.

So as you might imagine, I have a short fuse these days.

I basically fluctuate between trying to organize my life and be grateful for what I have and that I am incredibly lucky to be in the situation I am, read: not stuck with kids and a mortgage without a job. However, does that prevent me from being honest about my feelings?

I have also learned about who really has my back and who does not.

So that is me, I am weird, sensitive, jobless, and and would also laugh at not receiving unemployment benefits b/c of a clerical error, if it wasn't so infuriating.

Maybe this will be my second chapter? I mean I have already had 2 careers, but maybe now I need a whole new lifestyle?

Takeaway Lessons:

Be kind to people while they're with you and when they're not. You never want people to view the shitty thing you did as expected of you, don't be that ass hat. Golden rule bro. People, you know who you are...
Keep your resume and options open, even when you love what you're doing
Lastly, don't let the cat sense that you've given up because she'll just wedge her furry cat ass on top of you and never leave

I may not be "there" yet but I will say, you need to have a mantra, so I will leave you with mine. Good night and God bless!

Dating in Your 30s... sighhhhhhhhh

2015-07-31T13:48:00.000-07:00

A couple observations from the last few months of me actually trying to focus on dating. I want to preface this by saying all girls are guilty of all the below in other ways and soooo many more. Today let's focus on the virtual aspect of online dating, all pre-date.

I am just trying to help. Recently a friend and I exchanged dating profiles so we could critique each other's . We're givers that way.

Naturally, both were perfect. Here a few things I have experienced/observed on guy's profiles...

When your "match's" screen name is I_luv_my_BABIES038

First of all, HOW are there 37 other people with that screen name?
WHY CAN'T YOU SPELL LOVE
Who cares about your "babies" - I give zero fucks about them, so there's that
I mean sure I like kids, I might even like yours, but they should not be the very first thing I think about when I first see you pop up into the dating maelstrom that is Match
If they're actual babies than you're definitely not over your ex
If they are not babies, why are your calling them that?

Let's talk about your online dating photos guys

Stop taking photos in bathroom

So do you not have any photos with friends, or friends to take a photo of you, or anywhere else to take a selfie?
"Why are you always in the bathroom Bill, what are you doing in there!?" (says your wife, mother etc. none of which are a good sign)

If you do take a selfie, try not to take the photo with your selfie stick showing in the picture
Please don't scan photos from 13 years ago, leave vertical photos horizontal, and use "photo shop" aka Paint in Window to white out your ex wife's face... so many wrongs
Oh and especially don't do it to your kids' faces, get a new photo or leave them in. There's something reminiscent about that is not dissimilar to finding a secret room beneath the floorboards with a shrine to someone... or maybe I need to lay off the Criminal Minds

Things you should talk about

Dogs, your dogs, friend's dogs, dogs you just saw but don't know yet
You should also have photos of dogs... even if they're not yours

Well as I started writing this I realized I have a much bigger list of what not to talk about soooo....

Things not to have in your dating profile

Your car
Your bicycle
Your motorcycle

Any cycles really

How you are easygoing... No one is easy going, maybe if you're a surfer living on the beach in Hawaii or like a bearded dude named Desmond living in Vermont brewing beer out of your home. Maybe you own 3 shirts that you got for free. You live off the land on shit you find that fell off a tree. In that case, have fun canning your berries for winter in your cellar. - Everyone else, you're not easygoing. you're just not.
Your ex
How you're looking for "an honest/loyal/respectful girl" - AKA you've been cheated on, but don't drag that shit all over what is basically your dating resume

It is like applying for a job and putting on the resume that you had issues with your boss or you like to steal things from the supply closet... just no

Things not to do once you've hooked some interest

Don't text me, "what's up" on the reg. I mean, ask me a question, send me a funny meme, talk to me about your day... or crazy, call me
Girls basically just want to be asked questions and then ask you a bunch of questions and then think about what you said. Then follow back up on it and then analyze you and then ask you what you meant by certain things. Finally, they ask you what you're thinking about.

Dating is like a gameshow where you have many of the answers but if you hesitate in hitting the buzzer or forget to repeat the question before you answer.... you could be dunked in slime or something, or not get to go onto the Steps of Knowledge - Legends of the Hidden Temple... anyone?

Don't wait too long to actually go out, because then you're going to get into the friend zone
Before we've even gone out, try not to send me a picture of anything you would not want your family to see... also in general keep those pics to yourself
But again, to be clear, pictures of dogs, any dogs, are always welcome
Please, for the love of God, do not make me plan the date. Take some initiative.
Don't wait until the last minute to cancel
Don't wait until the last minute to plan something

Remember, we're all a bunch of weirdos, so take this with a grain of salt. Unless you're actually trying to date me, then take this seriously. Now go have fun out there you crazy kids! And if you get a bit nervous before a first date, make sure you have some liquid courage:

Follow the Bouncing Ball

2015-07-06T10:33:00.004-07:00

I am a ball of nerves, of stress, of energy. Why is the expression a ball? It should be a cube because that is 3 dimensional and comes complete with pointy corners that can hurt.

I have been radio silent because of a multitude of issues both work and personal. I realize that I give too much and have stopped expecting anything in return, and that is more my fault than any recipient of my giving. Stopping the expectation of good will gestures to be returned in kind, now that is the main issue. That devalues me and my effort.

I don't think I have ever been this anxious. I literally had to shut off my AC, turn off my radio, and roll up all the windows in the car, and take my seatbelt off this morning. I couldn't handle feeling trapped or even the noise. So that is a new hell.

There are some major life change things that I am working on and hopefully those, combined with some actual sleep (thanks to mr. melatonin) will bring me back to a more centered, functioning space. I am so over bullshit. What is this bullshit I speak of? Well here are just a few examples:

People jumping down your throat and berating you without thought of feelings
Self-centeredness
Judgement

What to do? Care less, cut off contact from people who drive me insane, focus on myself. Sure, those all seem like logical things to do. While I cannot change how I feel, I can change how I react. I think now at 30 I am just realizing that power really has to do with the reaction not the action.

So for example, this reaction is probably not the best idea:

Like this adorable dog, I just go with my first reaction, and I probably should be a bit nicer to myself and just assess the situation before I react. First, identify if it is a real issue or if I can just let some things go unnoticed. Which for those of you who actually know me, I am not good at that... at all.

Well that's all I have for now on the subject of my anxiety and annoyance, HAPPY MONDAY!

Stay tuned for updates on Block Island, Mexico, ROBBED - a true story, and online dating X3.

Remember even though you feel like this sometimes:

You can't do this:

You need to try and do this:

Let me know how it goes...

gifs/memes from What Should We Call Me and https://www.pinterest.com/jasomania/zero-fucks/

The Dirty South Chronicles

2015-03-23T06:48:00.001-07:00

I complain all the time that I don’t have any free time anymore but as I sit here in my grandmother’s house in North Carolina with literally NOTHING to do… it looks like I now have free time. So to Andrea’s question last week,” what happened to your blog?” here you go…

I just finished reading The Andy Cohen Diaries, ok that’s a lie, and I owe you more than that… I’m 90% done with it according to my Kindle. It is hilarious, albeit overly name droppy, and I have learned a couple things:

Mark and Kelly Consuelos are excellent designated drivers.
Andy’s life is pretty fabulous – but he talks about his weight too much
All famous people know each other

Now that we have my educational learnings covered, I can give you an update on the dirty south aka the sale sud a la ma grandmere who is French.

First things first, my grandmother is hilarious. She normally pisses me off beyond belief but in her natural habitat, (or maybe out of mine), she is much more like a combo of ‘Shit My Dad Says’ and the “where’s the beef?” lady from the 80’s Wendy’s commercial. Which if you cannot tell, is a combination I respond really well to.

My grandmother likes beer, but not like a glass of beer, she pours a 1/3 of a glass and then tops it off with Sprite Zero – which if this wasn't her doing it, I would have to pick up the glass and throw it across the room. Thank God she didn't do it with wine. So because she likes beer but only uses a small amount of it, she is forced to be pragmatic about her purchase – being an old person and all and not wanting to waste anything (including water, we’ll get to that later), she buys 40s.

Yes, twist off, Miller High Life, 40s. Sigh. I have kept this a secret for a while and until my sister in law witnessed it, I never thought I’d have to talk about it. But here we are now, she immediately offers me a glass when I arrive and hands me an unopened 40 ( I am a guest and all ) – thankfully she doesn't encourage me to add Sprite. We then have pretty delicious hamburgers on her pre-George Forman, electric grill. In case you were wondering, the beer was surprisingly refreshing, but it isn’t something I am going to take up.

Grey Poupon in the background for class

I am always thirsty at other people’s homes. I am not sure why. Maybe I had a traumatic thirty incident as a child but whatever it is, I get weirdly anxious when I don’t know where my next glass of water is coming from.

Coincidentally, this is one of the few things I don’t like about Europe, there is never any water for drinking in hotel rooms and they never bring it to you without asking (sometimes even after asking) when you’re at a restaurant. But I digress.

I had finished my overpriced Fiji water and had drank some tap water, spoiler alert, NC water tastes like dirt. Before you get all fired up about that statement, I just mean it tastes like soil and mineraly… and also terrible.

I forage in the fridge and find a filled water filter container. Eureka! I guzzle down two glasses before I finally come up for air and look at my now filled 3^rd glass… more specifically, what is floating in it. Yup, some weird white cottonesque mold is bouncing around inside my glass.

I did what any 30 year old would do, I dumped the glass and called my mum while I searched for bleach.

Fun fact, my mum said she too had experienced that and forgot to warn me. My lovely grandmother, like most old people, doesn’t drink enough water so that fucking container had probably been sitting in there, with some foreign particulate stowaway for weeks! She probably thought it was always going to be good, or maybe she thought it was added protein. If I don’t survive, at least you’ll have this last memory of me.

I washed my mouth out with Sprite Zero and orbit chewing gum.

My grandmother also told some really fascinating stories about France, my grandfather, her travels. This is a woman who has been everywhere and has the loot to show for it. She has lead an extraordinary life. She also talked to me about people she hates (which is my favorite type of story). Hearing a story from a 92 year old woman with a thick accent and a somewhat repetitive memory, is not always the most riveting, you mostly just sit there and listen – but that is really all old people want, so give it up!

She did add in a gem about a family member who had a thick mustache the last time she saw her and she wasn't sure if she was more thrown off by the thickness of the stache (the poor woman in question had always had thinner hair) or by the bleached appearance (she doesn't care for dying of your hair, in any capacity). Anyway, she said had she been closer to the woman she would have told her herself but hindsight being 20 20 and all… she now just felt like talking about it to me with a glint in her eye – I feel blessed she shared this moment with me.

I have Law and Order SVU on in the background (like there is any other kind of Law and Order that is worth watching) and there is an actor who looks like the fatter, sadder, and I guess less famous brother of Justin Long… so that’s a thing.

After attempting to Tinder below the Mason Dixon line with little luck (talk about unattractive mustaches) – I have given some serious thought and napping… to how much I am similar to my dad’s parents – both in good ways and bad. Bad like my masculine, ever growing jaw that needs surgery. I told the dentist I only will consider it when I become unattractive or Ripley’s Believe it or noteworthy. Or like my grandmother’s threat that I will become hairier as I age…

But also good – they’re both smart, honest, stubborn people who overcame a lot and lead pretty amazing lives for people of their time, or any time. I once wrote that you can’t go home, but maybe coming to a place you have a lot of memories is like home, and helps you refocus where you’re going.

Or maybe the moldy water is affecting my brain.

Not all who wander are aimless...

2014-11-28T20:43:00.003-08:00

I didn't have big plans for my life before 30 that were very detailed. I had an image in my mind that I smartly squashed following my first big trip in college. I realized that any potential plans I might make would likely never fall into place.

Now that I am officially 30, and 13 days... I feel ok. I'd love to be more settled and to be a slightly calmer person but the itch that I get in any comfortable situation is also sort of my wonky compass that leads me to my next destination. The only glitch is that these destinations haven't become more anchored as I have gotten older, I'm still a pretty ridiculous decision maker.

What I haven't grown out of, upon submitting to 30, is my embarrassing ways. I am still a ridiculous individual who high fives stranger's babies and hugs random dogs. I swear in front of children and lose my keys on a weekly basis. In fact, I have no fucking clue where they are right now. But I digress.

Almost shitting myself after a misappropriated smoothie at the gym, dropping my keys down a city sewer, driving away with my wallet on my roof, forgetting the name of a guy I am on a date with... that's me. You're probably saying this right now...

But I can't take things back. Finding my way, balancing myself out, pushing myself while simultaneously cutting myself some slack... that is the balance I seek. Will I find a happy medium and also outgrow my Will Ferrell-esque storyline? I don't know, but I mean I have at least developed an aversion to teenagers, so that must make me somehow maturely old? There is a reason I pay more to do lux level at the movies. I don't want hooligans ruining the plot of the Hunger Games while I get daytime wine drunk in the dark.

Don't get me wrong. I LOVE my younger cousins who are in their teens and twenties. They're amazing and can do no wrong. I just feel like I would become a little sad if I were to try to hang out with them.

I do have Josie. She keeps me cool. She helped me flirt with a rather attractive, if not a bit eager, gentleman earlier this week but I still went home with her spotted ass. Maybe if I didn't find a night at home with HGTV Island Hunters with copious amounts of Apothic Dark so attractive, I would force myself out more often. But then I would have to talk to people...

However perhaps talking with people would land me in a more stable, adult relationship with fucking brunch and matching socks. Maybe instead of ignoring my personal email, obsessively checking my work email, and jumping every time my hybrid work/personal cell rings I would focus my attention on someone else. I mean I am a natural conversationalist.

To help with that I could listen to my friend's and family's advice that to them sounds intellectually rich and emotionally sensitive but to me sounds a bit repetitive "Be nicer, don't yell profanities at other drivers, wear make up on weekends..." Shockingly helpful tips.

And also a little bit of this...

But don't get me wrong. I know it come's from a place of love, mostly.

Maybe I will find someone on my next trip. Heading to Mexico next month for a friend's wedding, I will use my excellent Spanish skills to woo a gentleman caller.

The travelling I do in my own mind and the actual travel I have experienced overseas, will eventually set me a new due north. I am confidant that it will serve me well. I'll end up where I am supposed to be. In the meantime, I want to change my first tattoo into a compass. I like this random internet gentleman's but I want my own version since I am not a copycat, any artists out there want to lend a sister a hand?

I'd ask Josie but you know, no thumbs... and a dog brain. I take a little solace in my continuing upheaval that not all who wander are aimless and that I mean to settle at some point, I am just not a planner. Trips yes, meetings, yes and YES, but life plans... no way. In the meantime, be good to you, make plans but don't let plans make you. Namaste... or something.

You feel like laughing but you start to cry...

2014-09-28T19:44:00.001-07:00

I need a change. How do I turn back and go forward at the same time? I want more but to get to that place with less. My contradictory life is once again at a cross roads... but at least I am not a celebrity with hacked nude photos, so you know George Clooney might be off the market, but at least I don't have my rack lost in the friggin' cloud for all to see... so I have that going for me.

Work is different, the people around me are different, and I don't know what the right thing to do is. Normally, I know what the right thing to do is, I just sometimes choose not to do it. I also realized that I feel bad, so I project a certain level of negativity out there, which isnt very cool. I didnt even realize my uber driver was hitting on me because my thick layer of annoyance was preventing me from seeing.

I just feel like I would have a whole lot more clarity if The Walking Dead was back on, am I alone in this?

I thought a new career would help this trapped feeling that was creeping up on me, and it did, for a while. For someone who wants to do a complete 180 I really don't do well with change. I want to be clear that I am not waiting to be swept off of my feet and have someone fix my problems. No one can help you, or love you, or change you more than you can. When things change, I have no control, and for a control freak, well that doesn't sit well. I also feel like, as I approach 30... 6 weeks to go... I realize that I am so not good at being good at more than one thing. If I am kicking ass at my job, I am unhappy in my personal life. If I am dating up a storm, I ignore signs of what my next steps should be.

I need to lock it up, shut it down, and get to a quiet space. I have been so stressed out that I got fucking shingles... shingles, and I am 29. Really not good. Google it, Google face shingles and tell me what you think.

You can't change everything, you can't always win, and you can't fix everything... it doesn't stop me from trying to fix it. I have holes to fix. Helping people though work has been great, except that some of these people are assholes who direct their frustration at me, which is wonderful. I should have known this, but when you spend your days trying to help others, people forget to ask you how you are, not to mention, you never ask yourself what you're doing, and the thing is, the answer is not great.

How does your heart feel?

I want it to be brimming over. For me, enough is not enough, like is never good enough, and love is just the first step. You carry on, you find the right fix for the holes in your life, until dont need to anymore. I am just looking for the next, and ideally last fix. Not sure it is work anymore, or the 3 dozen tiny pumpkins I bought today... yeah a lot.

I only know how I feel and how I've felt. At Spanish night at a terrible Boston club full of Spaniards... I know I closed my eyes, felt the people, the energy, the music, and I felt good. Even though the next day I felt 100.

I know when I am with my true friends, I feel calm, accepted, and in the moment. I know when I think of my dad, I still feel sad, but it also makes me feel like today is so important, and even without a plan, I will be ok... and being "ok," well that is just fine. In the interim, while I figure it out, turn 30, pop some percocets for my shingles, and keep my unironic addiction to The Walking Dead at bay, I'll try to be nicer, including, to myself - - you should try it too.

Sometimes, I will zone out in a moment, take a mental picture and know my life is good... those are the moments you have to scoop up and put in your pocket. I love how surprising, wonderful, and unknown the world is and if I have to wait for the rest of this shit storm of uncertainty to figure itself out, well, there is always the small victories... and drugs.

And then there is always the obvious elephant in the room...

Good news though, my sister in law's, married, mom, friend, was able to send some real stellar messages out on Match for me last night after a few glasses of pinot grigio. While they are certainly not all winners... I have some wonderful messages waiting for me to close out my Sunday funday.

In case you didn't know from my various nightswimming updates this summer... there is nothing this girl likes more in the evening than some Otis Redding, so I'll have him play me out.

F*ck I'm Old!

2014-07-11T15:41:00.002-07:00

As I reach for my ID to give to the doorman, I hear, "No ma'am you're all set."

More on that later... I realized the other day that I am old and have been old for at least 2 years. I don't want to go out 2 nights in a row, I don't want to go out at all. Its like there is a glimmer of this person I was 5 years ago and on Wednesday I'll text my girls be like, "We goin' out tonight because I be bangin'!" and then the excitement fades by Friday at 5pm because the week was hard, I'm tired, and... I'm old.

By the way, I would never say the quoted text above unless I was an extra on Playing House, or super drunk following a viewing of an episode of Playing House at my bff's house.

Here is why I cannot go out 2 nights in a row... when I get a hangover, here is what I say when I show up to work the next day:

Although, no one at work would think this was strange since the only people I drink with anymore are my coworkers. There is nothing wrong with this, in fact I like my coworkers a lot so it's fun since we all have so much in common and routinely, accidentally call the office "home" so I guess if work is my home, the bar downstairs is our kitchen?

However, because of the commute and the sometimes longer workday than some of my friends, I am not always able to do the things they do together. I sometimes feel so out of the loop with my actual personal life because of the time spend on my work personal life, work professional life, and work social media life, that I feel like I am the butt of an inside joke I'm not a part of when I see my friends and family.

Spoiler alert... SHE is Monster Mash... rough.

So when I got the opportunity to see my friend who lives in another country for a surprise bachelorette (by the way, a word I can NEVER spell correctly, even sometimes with spell check) I thought, perfect! I can connect with some friends I haven't seen in a while and go to a game.

That part was fun, except for sweating my face, boobs, and ass off in the blistering sun. But the seats were good and the lemonade was cold. I skedaddled to get my train following the game but missed it by 1 minute after getting caught in the middle of recent crime scene on Dartmouth street. No biggie. By the time I realized it, I sort of walked around in a circle like an idiot trying to think of what to do.

So I texted my pal Courtney who works in the area to say hi...

Unfortunately, she was caught up with actual work things and since normally I don't see daylight that early on a Thursday, I wasn't sure what to do. I didn't have my Kindle or an actual book, and my phone was dying, of course. The two closest places to Back Bay station are bars...The Brownstone and Clerys. So I chose to visit my youth at Clery's.

To get back to beginning of this post... there was a doorman. I was thinking, why is there a doorman at 7pm on a weeknight? Then i realized I was an idiot and this place was already packed and would only grow in numbers in the coming hours. I know the drill, I've been to few bars in my day, so I pulled out my ID. Or rather, I attempted to pull it out of my big wallet in my even bigger bag and as I go to give it to him, he dismisses me. What's worse, he dismisses me after looking at me. I would hope to think OK, well, I look like a legitimate non under age person, but then he called me ma'am.

Ma'am??? I have a few months left of my 20's cut me a fucking break brosef!

Besides, its not like I wanted to go party with the young financiers and interns!

I just wanted to charge my phone and have a glass of chardonnay like any other self respecting working gal. I saddled up to the bar to do just that after being too old looking to warrant even a pity ID check and order me a cold one... cold wine. It is after my first sip that I realize, I am literally the oldest person at the bar. There are a few people my age or even a year or two older sitting in the far back section at tables, in chairs, eating appetizers like civilized people.

When did this happen?! I'm pretty sure the guys next to me ordering shandies and fireball shots thought I was a narc. There were a few warning signs of my oldness: I only own flat shoes now. I listen to NPR. I pay my bills on time, usually. I never wear a full face of makeup anymore unless I'm going somewhere that requires me to give out my business card or sit at a table with assigned seating and awkward centerpieces. I knew it was inevitable but I tried to fight it off.

I like to be optimistic. Scratch that, I like to tell people I am optimistic but I'm mostly doom and gloom internally. It's like 70% doom, 20% gloom, and 10% puppies inside this noggin. - what can I say, I'm a worriers. However, operating under the guise that I am a glass half full girl, who knows, maybe my 30's will be good for me? Maybe I'll take better care of myself, contribute more to my 401K , go to the dentist more often, and stop talking to myself in public.

I mean I don't have much to even write about anymore. I used to be so much more exciting, half the stuff I did I couldn't even write about. No more Todd Tisdales, J.J. Foley's, roof decks with strangers, make outs with even more strangers on a dance floor in Barcelona (although I will say Philly seems to be very good to me in the mens department as of late). I think the realization of this change is sort of a reoccurring theme in any self examination I take time for.

I want to elaborate on the old factor... 29 isn't old in years, I'm not a fucking myopic, self-centered idiot, I just mean my personality is old now and the age is seeping out of my pores. I will say, there are some great things about feeling older too:

I say 'vagina' a lot and think everyone just needs to get over it and say it too
I get to be the boss sometimes
Thinking about retirement at 29 isn't the most fun but at least you know there will be an end to working and each year older, is a year closer to parking your old ass on the beach in Boca with a mai tai in hand.
I get to call people younger than me 'hooligans'
I'm very close to shaking my fist at someone and making a 'harrumph' noise - and who doesn't love that!
I have always enjoyed matinees and now it's even more fun for me because hooligans don't go at that time.

So I think I am actually partially OK with my oldness. I just need to have more fun doing this decade, but responsible fun, it's a thing. My new goal this next decade: I just want the dream, being great at work, relationships, family, and befriending every dog in the state.

Besides, things may change and some friends may drift away, and the things you did with them are just memories... there are great friends who you'll always have and great times you don't yet know about that will knock you on your ass no matter how old you are.

Show and Tell... nothing

2014-02-13T18:31:00.001-08:00

One thing I've learned from online dating is that everyone is "laid back" and "easy- going" and they have a plethora of hobbies like surfing, golfing, volunteering, tough mudders... and the like. You know what I've learned about my hobbies from online dating? I have none. Also, I am neither "laid back" nor "easy going" I'm intense, passionate, driven, and organized. In fact, the only time I am easy going is when I'm traveling and typically, that's somewhere with a historical, fact filled journey with 14th century castles and old really tough bread, like when you're not sure if it's hardy or just lint filled... now that's my idea of a good time!

I won't lie... well I will, sometimes because it's fun. However, I will say, ever since I was little when schools would hold show and tell, I always felt a pang of anxiety... hobbies, skills... I don't have those. A 7-year old with palms wringing, furrowed brow, I mean, "What do you want from me?!" I wish I liked things, truly I do, but in reality I love useless facts, delicious things, laughing really hard, locating dogs who want to be my friends, shiny objects, daytime drinking, and chatting up strangers. So, the important things.

Oh, sad for you Mr. Darcy... so tell me about your childhood, were you a popsicle or fudgesicle type of kid?

So, after careful observation, one might say that my key audience are those overly educated, fancy types, who like to throw in a loose cannon for entertainment purposes for their cava fueled yacht outings. I mean if Bravo wants to sell that show, I'll be the first sad sack waiting in line to sign up.

I guess there are benefits to being a sponge and only taking in so many things, I mean I am good at pub trivia, I read a lot, I can talk to anyone... but I still have hobby envy. What are your hobbies? Are you a sommelier, a cheese aficionado, a 17th century French literature lover or Baroque art admirer... or can you run really fast... like super fast and maybe jump over some shit? Nice, I mean nice dude.

Maybe on my next date I should just make up a bunch of hobbies and learn to love them. However, I hope one day I will meet the right guy who thinks my dvr-ing of The Kardashians, and Real Housewives marathons are endearing, and thinks my overly analytic, sometimes tangent travelling, mind, with distractions ranging from dogs to sparklies... interesting. But, alas, it has yet to be. I mean I totally respect people's preferences for a partner who shares their activities.

Well, that's not entirely true, I don't wait in lines, standing in queue is ridiculous one percent meets bourgeois nonsense, although I do look better standing up rather than sitting, but I would ask someone to hold my place, I would totally do that. Beyond potential Bravo-lebrity what is my draw? I wish I was someone who could master a skill set and run with it. Instead, I know very little about many things. I do know that I am smart, fun, and obviously, humble.

And at the end of the day, I want what every girl wants, for her man to say those few words that sets hearts a flutter...

If I need to start doing... things - I'll do it, I swear, I am that committed. Just no skiing, or running, or bungee jumping, or triathlons... but you know, I'm flexible.

I Swear I Lived

2014-01-31T19:06:00.000-08:00

Hi Kittens, it's been a while.

I want to preface this with, I love my job. I love feeling needed and integral and having responsible and all that jazz. However, I swear to God, 2 minutes ago I was 25 and now I'm going to be 30... in 10.5 months, but still. I feel like the past 2 years have gone by in a breath and the person I was got lost in the drama of a job search and the first 10 months of a new career. I had to learn how to do so many things differently and learn some things that were completely foreign to me. Somewhere along the past 18 months or so, I lost who I was when trying to find who the new me is.

Sounds confusing right, well it is! I love Pinterest, but I do it for work now so I never do it for myself anymore. I love writing, but I get to do a lot of it for work, so I don't do it anymore. I love being social, but I'm social and talk to people via email, phone, in person, alllll. day. long. so when I come home I just want to be silent.

I need to make time for me. I also need to learn that some of the ways I lived before are not going to work now because I do have a job I love that requires my focus. I need to be less lazy in my personal life so that I don't end up being my own worst enemy, not to mention what if I choke on a Triscuit and Josie eats my body.

I don't go out enough so I don't meet new people, not just gentleman callers, but people, in general. I spend so many hours with my coworkers, and I love them, but then I go home and see mum and Josie. I need to interact with people other than the sometimes overly needy community that I work with and my coworkers. I need to disengage and re-engage.

With guys, I used to wait around for men to ask me out because I could never tell if a guy was interested, note to men of the world, if you want to ask me out, ask me out, because I am probably oblivious to you being interested. I'm probably thinking about some sort of community relations nightmare or bizarre medical condition. Just, ask me out - I need to get out!

Dani needs to have a good time, get her shit together but also lose herself in the moment. I used to be someone, a flash, a light, I had an aura. I swear I lived! Like really lived, did things, traveled places, met people. It was grand and unbelievable. I grew up. I'm still a hot mess, but with less stories.

I know things change, and that's cool, but there are some things I am not willing to give up. Experiences mean more to me than anything else. There have been times when people I were with, travelling, just out and about, wherever, who were unable to see the forest through the trees. I feel sad for them, to not be able to live in the moment, to not smell, hear, breathe, touch those elements that make up that experience. I want to relive all those moments, good, bad scary, lovely and make new ones. So for now, I'm going to push myself and make my own memories, vivid and robust so I don't become a memory. I'm 29, not 99.

- (reality tv gifs)
- So let's do it

If This Were A Romantic Comedy…

2013-08-05T07:55:00.001-07:00

I went out on a Saturday night for the first time in about 4 months. It was pretty exciting. I got half dressed. Well I was completely covered but the thing is… I showered, shaved, did my hair, makeup and then got a cute top on. All the while I had leggings and flip flops on while I undertook this ritual… well not for the showering bit, for that I was in the nude… scandalous. So I get my top on and then I sort of thought, well I am ever so comfortable, well I didn't think exactly that because my interior monologue doesn't have an odd British child’s way of saying things, but you get the drift. SO I just decided to say in said leggings and flip flops. It was, from the waist down, sort of a mullet of clothing one might say.

I’m not really defending myself. I think it’s terrible. Besides my wonderful posterior, I really have no redeeming argument for wearing leggings, at 28, at a very nice bar. Except for that it was either stay short and comfortable, frolicking heel-less throughout Davis Square, or wear nice bottoms that are not the most comfy and heels that I would start complaining about within 2 hours. SO there’s that, but that wasn’t really my point…

Ok so the first part of this post is really pointless. Let’s pretend that it lays the foundation with some colorful commentary for the real point at hand: my continuing insane, ridiculous dating life which has been on hold since May. So the point I guess, is that I think I may have been entertaining the idea that things might just work out in some laughable way that makes little sense, but is for the best in the end. But think about it. When does the exact opposite of what should, or is likely to happen, happens and then is in fact the reality that should have existed this whole time? Never, never ever. Because this only happens in the movies where Hugh Grant plays a perpetual 37 year old bachelor struggling to gain a grasp on commitment and responsibility and then realizes at the most inopportune time that he is in fact in love with some daft cow (again British here) and runs to tell her how he feels.

The harsh, bad lighting reality of life is that Hugh Grant is in fact in his 50s and siring half Asian babies with a woman he isn’t actually with, and that his actual persona is not at all dissimilar from the limp haired fool he plays in the movies. That’s the bitch of it all isn’t it? Even the fucking actors in the orm coms can’t get the romantic, last ditch, light bulb moment, realization type love in their real lives. They’re at home eating bad Thai food and watching re-runs of Friends too!

I was talking with my friend Alli, joking about things as we do and I may take things farther than they need be taken, and I said we shouldn’t joke about any scenario because what if that scenario happens, because if life were some Nicholas Sparks romantic love fest, I would be in a completely different situation. I would also be some chick with small town roots trying to out run my past but end up running into the arms of the man I never expected find… I just literally bull shitted that but how many people would eat that up?

However, I am not some small town girl, and I’m not looking for someone’s arms to run into, mostly because I find that premise a little paternalistic and thus kind of creepy, but it would be nice to have a little more romance in the comedy that is my life. I do believe that everything happens for a reason, but I am oblivious and would need Channing Tatum or Ryan Gosling to throw down first, because as we know, I cannot take a hint. Plus I also feel like I would need a lot less subtle Danny Elfman musical vignettes to bring the underlying feelings to the surface if Ryan Gosling was all, “Hey girl” to me.

I also cannot attempt any bad Match.com dates. I just want to eat sharp cheddar, drink dry Rose, go for walks in the woods, talk to dogs, and have some guy to debrief all of that with. Not really much to ask for. Also, instead musing it up here, I should be working now. I always feel like I should be working because there is so much to do and it’s exciting and scary sometimes and really cool in general, but I need someone to distract me from it occasionally. In return, I will bake you cookies and tell you where the Ark of the Covenant is so we could bond over an Indiana Jones’ style adventure… pretty sweet right!?

Anyway, Josephine and I are going to sign off for the night but we are going to make more of an effort when it comes to personal life type things because life isn’t a romantic comedy… and I am really not that confident when it comes to Josie’s ability to fight off a pack of hungry cats from eating me alive in my spinsterhood. #rationalfears

Sometimes All I Need Is The Air That I Breathe And...

2013-06-16T18:03:00.001-07:00

If those lyrics from The Hollies don't welcome you back with open arms I don't know what will. It turns out, getting the job of your dreams also means you have no time for anything else... SHOCK. Anyway, I have always said, be the happiness in the life you seek, if you're not happy... do SOMETHING about it! Now I have the job, even though its kicking my ass, and all I need is everything else... so lets get on that.

Update:

I am in love. She's four legged and covered in spots... my puppy Josephine. She makes me giddy for no reason and since getting her, its like the first time I've been really happy for no reason during the day, just because, since the shitastic year of 2011.

Josephine at work.

Update:
I've wiped the slate clean of men. While the haunting biological clock and overwhelming thud of the realization that a life alone, where my existence is snuffed out unceremoniously by a pack of wild dogs devouring my body, is imminent... I'm still being pretty optimistic.

Besides, I want to live a meaningful life, one with impact and purpose, not necessarily perfect. A perfect life, to me, is one one of stress and fury, not one of passion and depth. Someone once called me shallow and I stand by my retort, "I may be vain, but I am not shallow." What is that saying? These rivers run deep.

On this father's day, the second since my dad has gone I have to laugh a little to myself because one of the things that my dad had the most trouble understanding about me was in fact my sensitivity, passion, soul. He loved those things, I'm sure, along with my silliness and love of animals, and all things impractical. But your parents don't need to tell you those things, or rather they think its more prudent to tell you the things you need to work on so you can in fact survive and fend for yourself, you know, things of minor importance.

I'll never stop being silly, I saw a dog in Sephora this weekend and i nearly lost my shit, but I have learned to be slightly more practical... besides being things I don't need at Sephora and not so conspicuously following a 90lb German Shepard around a store.

I went to a fun wedding last night, danced the night away and loved every minute of it. I stopped every so often to relish a little bit of life, you only get so many of those nights right? I don't want to waste them. Not to sound like some lazy hippy, but take a minute and breathe it in, its pretty sweet right?

As far as love goes and the other 920 nights left in my journey of Bostonian Nights... I don't know, I've never been one to want to know the end of the story before I've even hit the middle, but I'll keep you posted.

Good News... I've climbed out of the pit of despair and onto easy street!

2013-03-01T10:26:00.001-08:00

So I finally got a new job and not just anyone job, MY DREAM JOB!!!! I'm beyond excited. Additionally, I am currently dog hunting, not like hunting so much as like searching for one. New job, encourages you to bring your dog to work ITS AMAZING.

I think these gifs can accurately describe the last 2 months. Mostly re-posted with new captions from How Do I Put This Gently

Some people look for a new job while they still have one, others are forced to because their company doesn't have monies. Upon hearing this you may react accordingly:

Try to remember not to take out your frustration from the job search on those you love:

A little of this as well:

You may start to think that you a. have no marketable skills and b. have accomplished nothing at your current place of work... this is a sympton of the over educated, underpaid quarter life crisis

You're a little bitter:

But don't worry, or do... a little

Besides, lately work has felt like this:

First my advice to job seekers is not to settle but remember:

But pretty is important

Remember when interviewing that you should make good eye contact with your interviewer:

Make sure they know you are interested:

Show them your skills:

And if youre like me, they will offer you the job!
So youre understandably excited, but you keep your reaction tasteful:

Maybe you happy cry a little, at your current work:

Oh and they tell you that once you get your new dog, you're welcome to bring it to work:

I did not need to take any minutes to consider the offer and immediately accept and then turned to my coworkers and said:

I cannot wait to show off my manners to my new coworkers:

First we would need to celebrate the end of 5 years of 50% bitter 50% sweet memories [scale 50% bitter = to 100%] with my old co-workers

Thanks to the universe and to myself (and maybe other people)for being so awesome:

Irrational Anger

2013-01-04T13:30:00.001-08:00

So here is a little story about common decency. I do not care if you are dating multiple people at once and are open and honest about it. But if you omit the shit out of what you're doing, making it seem that you are busy with work when you are in fact rekindling the relationship with your ex, please, go fuck yourself.

Dani, you didn't know I was planning on making my relationship official on NYE 3 weeks after our last planned date? Oh silly you. Especially when I just stopped returning your calls after 3 months of hanging out.

This is what makes girls look and act crazy. I don't give a shit about what you do when we're both single and dating but don't drop off the fucking earth like a sketch ball just to hide the fact that you're in a relationship. We're facebook friends FOOL! Your doing by the way, not mine, because I don't like to look into people's business. Egg on my face though, shoulda been a stalker so I didn't get a lovely newsfeed shocker to the face today.

Le sigh.

Moral of the story, be a regular person, respond to me text or call or whatever and say hey I'm actually thinking of starting something serious with someone else, heads up. But good luck. Thank you mystery dude, for both your decent manners and well wishes. Same to you.

That, ladies and gentlemen is how normal adults act. I wasn't even serious about the whole thing until I felt like an idiot. Note to mens, Dani doesn't like feeling like a child (yes I am making a link to "child" and "idiot" lezbehonest) unless you're taking her to the zoo, aquarium or pet store (notice a trend).

So this is irrational anger because like I said, nothing was serious and yet still, this is my reaction:

I'll be the last gal to try to lay claim, I just feel misinformed and I do not like it. MOVING ON.

bachelor spot open

The End

Happy New Year Losers

2013-01-02T09:40:00.001-08:00

Ok, I'm sorry, that was uncalled for. You're not losers. I am just projecting. Ugh I used to love NYE now I'm just exhausted, old and almost jobless. I also had another one of my insomnia events last night, every 2 weeks, it's ridiculous. So now I'm exhausted and about to head to down the way to work on something for work... until you know, they lay me off.

So this is how I feel about the new year so far:

But why get melodramatic.

Heres the breakdown of my mens:

Bachelor #1: Hanging out since September but his work schedule was no bueno. Made plans to hangout first weekend in December, was all over my junk....didn't hang out that weekend, haven't heard from him in a month.... DONE

Bachelor #2: AKA Whorefit, no texts for 3 weeks, kept saying he wants to go out again even though I gave him an out, unlikely to hear from him.... DONE

Bachelor #3: Newbie, 1 date in, not a love connection me thinks, but a nice guy. Will see what happens.

Bachelor #4: AIRPLANE! (my friends say that when you see someone making out....so do the math) From a stir event and a post will follow about that. I think it was a bit of a wine induced thing and more over I'm just so stressed I feel like this guy isn't going to get on the playing field. Wants to go out, we shall see.

Bachelor #5: Sailor boy. After a disastrous first date, his doings, and a canceled 2nd date I invited him to NYE gathering at my BFF and her husband's house. Acted a FOOL (me) and made out all over the new year and new house. I'm really mortified at my behavior, he's not obvi, and he's going to be away for a couple weeks which might actually be good I think. I guess we'll try and go out again.

In conclusion, I'm physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted from the holidays and just want to focus on getting a job before I'm unceremoniously kicked out on my ass. Will update soon with detailed info on what it is like at these stir events.

My Holiday Season

2012-12-20T08:58:00.001-08:00

I stole a great deal of these from How Do I Put This Gently so visit their site, change the captions and steal like I do.... or just visit it because it is hilar.

How I felt about Christmas when I was little:

How I feel about it now... still pretty excited but also a little...

Mum tells me my grandmother is staying for 2 weeks and 1 day:

Then my college friends and I have our annual Eve before the Eve:

Alli dances at JJ Foleys:

and then dances some more:

Wake up Post Eve:

Finally it's Christmas Eve and we head to my aunt and uncle's:

My brother and other male family members go out for drinks Christmas eve:

Then we wake up and it is Christmas morning:

Open presents:

Next up Fiesta NYE at Katy and Mikey's....How would you like your margarita Dani?

We party at their new house:

Nanny leaves, the house is cleaned up and the holiday season is over:

Until Valentine's day

I'll Trade You Brady for Welker...and Did You Get Your Whorefit from Marshalls?

2012-12-06T10:50:00.001-08:00

JK about Brady and Welker. I only added their names so people would open link. Yeah I'm a big time swindler, that should be the title of my autobiography The Dani Schroth Story: Big Time Swindler, Small Town Girl.... Anyway, even though I'm not here to discuss football, it has come to my attention that my friends and I discuss men and Match.com like we're looking to prepare for our fantasy football draft.

"Oh wait he doesn't like to read. What do you have? Oh an experienced sailor... now that's something I can use..."

Actually what I can use is someone who can carry my mum's window unit air conditioner down to the cellar. It has been sitting on the floor of the dining room for 6 weeks. But you know, I don't want to be too picky.

I do it all the time. In real life obviously you do the shit talking on the sidelines after a couple glasses of wine. Commiserate, discuss. But the beauty of online dating is that you can actually critique someone's stats right away. You dont have to wait for them to fumble in the 4th quarter and ruin your evening (look Im really trying with this football stuff). Plus there is an actual function so you can send a profile to your friend if you think they might like him. Very handy, like online wingman service. I mean its not like MVP on the Jersey Shore because no one I know is going to ask if a guy is DTF. Speaking of which....

(disclaimer, family stop reading now)

I may have made a slight miscalculation on a date recently and did a sleepover when I really shouldn't have, on a weeknight. Damn you and your judgement! I really don't want to get into the date itself. It was fine. Second date. Anyway.... the next morning I realize that A. I have to go to work in like an hour B. I had told my coworkers that I was in fact going on a date the previous night and so having the same clothes on as the night before was not going to work.

Ugh such are the trials and tribulations of a lady of the night I guess... or something.

So I came up with a brilliant plan. I went into work in the same outfit but kept my jacket on for an hour until the Marshalls across the street opened up at 9:30am. I excused myself, picked up the first 2 things I could find, changed in the Panera bathroom, obvi, and went back into work.

Now the key to picking out a whorefit is that you shouldnt get anything too nice or people will start asking you about it and then you have to explain you literally just got it... like right now. Or lie and then it gets weird (and not the good weird kind). Additionally, you want something comfortable and cheap, much like yourself BAZINGA! Why spend money on something you dont love just so you can cover up that scarlet letter burning into your chest, like a much less wholesome Rudulph's red nose.

I completed my task and no one was the wiser. Maybe because I work somewhere, where nobody cares what anyone else wears. Whatever. All I really want to do for the next 3 weeks is sleep, wrap presents, and watch Christmas movies. I am however going to not one but TWO Stir events in the next 2 weeks so I'm sure I'll have something to report back on besides my ever progressing downward spiral into Little Edie from Grey Gardens.

What I do when I'm alone for more than 2 hours....

Oh so we're doing that are we?

2012-12-04T08:22:00.000-08:00

So I've been dating up a storm lately. Literally. Like Sandy quality dating... too soon?
Anyway, while most of it has been good. Some of it has been laughable. I also turned 28. And among other things, like I'm too old for 80% of the shit I pull, this also signified something way more important... I'm barelling towards the age where I can no longer be considered trophy wife material.

How the hell can I become a Real Housewife without the wife part, and obviously the house portion as well. I'm not helping myself either but going out with people who are worse off finanancially than I am. But divorce will do that to you. If you are dating men in their 30s, chances are their lucky ex-wives got to them first and scooped up their monies. Sneaky bitches. And so therefore, they have other, more important expenses than your fancy cocktails and gliterry hello kitty leashes for the dog you dont have but want...

Anyway.

In the grand scheme of things it truly would not matter to me what you have in the bank as long as you at least feign some chivalry in the beginning and are smart with your monies, however little they may be.

Which brings me to exhibit A:

Making me foot half the bill for our first date when you ordered $25 (a piece) beers is not cool... yeah that happened.

Look, my financial situation, until I get a banging new job, is best described in the following gif:

But that does not mean I rely on people to do things for me. Sure, its nice sometimes, but it isn't really about the money, it's the gesture. I have no problem paying for things going forward, or going splitsies but if YOU ask me out... well then take me out. Ugh its frustrating. But I'm giving it another go despite my better judgement and by that I mean my friends and coworkers. I just feel like, not having enough $ to take a girl on one date is the equivalent to taping posters to your wall and sleeping on a futon... no offense to anyone. I mean hell I live at home, but my bedroom and bathroom are fucking adorbs soooo yeah.

Oh and he got disasterously drunk as well, nervous he told me. Had I not been sober it would have been quite amusing but I just feel that at 30 you should know better. I mean I don't know better, but I am 28 so I still have a couple years.

One of my other friends gives every guy she dates at least 2 dates because first ones can in fact be traumatizing. I get that... so moving onward and upward as I always say.

I have some other dating updates but I'm also on full job hunt so if you know of something you might think would fit my skillset (minimal) and personality (inappropriate) I'd be happy to send my resume along. My ideal job would pay me oodles of money to wax poetically and snarkily about other people's lives and behavior, and I want to wear leggings or jeans every day, and I want to be able to drink in the afternoon if it strikes me or better yet, as part of the job.

Remit postings for said jobs in the comments section.

Made in Chelsea.... aka Made in Hilarity

2012-11-27T10:14:00.003-08:00

I willingly admit that I jumped onto the British t.v. bandwagon. Ive been a fan since the completely inappropriate AbFab of 90’s fame. Honestly, I don’t know what Saffy’s issue was, I would have loved Eddie for a mom! (google it, I'm not here to be your encyclopedia) Anyway...

The U.S. has routinely copied anything remotely worth watching from British television. Sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worse as deriding television viewers everywhere let it be known. In this case the Brits took some absolutely terrible, and obvi addictive, a series from the MTV lineup, added oodles more money, a horse tranquilizer and removed dental beauty from the equation…Imagine The Hills on a Sunday afternoon, after being inbred for 200 years.

There you have it. A terrific way to spend my Thanksgiving weekend. First I need to describe Chelsea. Now if you are thinking Chelsea, MA…. Keep walking. Chelsea UK is the fine, bone china place setting in the royal ascot, hat wearing, horse riding, royal connection that is London. You're not invited. I don’t know you reader, but I can without question tell you that if you step foot in their boring clubs or pretentious teas you will surely be ridiculed. For a people who pride themselves on manners they certainly are rude to each other as well as those not in their circle. Not that I even get why they put such a weight in their breeding when they contribute nothing to the expansion of their family name and instead spend their hours shopping for large, shoulder padded blazers.

True, many of their clothes are just to die for. And really the Chelsea crew doesn’t need respect for them or for their family. They have chilled Rose wine instead. I will say one thing, these bitches can drink. They never really get drunk though, but I can attribute that to their generally slow moving state. I am not entirely convinced they're not sloths in fine wool pants. Although sloths would have better hair.

Now, the men have nice styles in general, hair, appearance, clothes its all pretty good. But the girls. Oh boy, I know money cannot buy you class, according to Countess LuAnn, but apparently it also cannot buy you a hair dryer. The whole lot of them need a deep conditioner and a comb. Its really rather painful to watch. Spending so much time on their tans and clothes and still they cannot be bothered to get their crazed hairs out of their face.

Oh and whats with all of the beige lipstick? I know this was filmed there awhile ago but I'm not sure a matte, flesh, lip-tone has ever been on trend anywhere besides a Helmut Lang runway show or lets say… a zombie. All of this is nothing when compared to the actual dialogue.

Are they trying to make it look real? I'm not sure. I mean it is filmed in a remarkably similar method to The Hills so one would assume they're trying to make it “real” but it is so staged it kinda takes the fun out of it. Plus they don’t have the steam to really back this as some kind of docudrama.

The characters speak in posh accents sure. However their rate of speech borders on the head injury level. Maybe this is why they lost the Revolution? They couldn’t spit it out. I waver from wanting to slap them all in the face to watching intently while they interweave their “lives” and “loves.” If you're looking for action, you’re better off watching Extreme Cougar on TLC… yes it is a show, and yes I watched 10minutes of it with mum this weekend. Those ladies get around, its admirable…. Yet gross, a man or woman 40 years or more older than their partner is not palatable in my book. Oh yes I keep a book of possible hookup scenarios…anyway yeah, no one is getting any on this show. I hear them say 'fancy' and 'fit' and such a lot but no one seems to be making a move, or maybe it just takes several episodes for that to happen while they meander at their glacial pace.

The baldfaced fact is that of the cast just 2 would ever be but on t.v. in the US. The two I have in mind are not particularly good at anything but they're attractive and have good teeth. Yes the Americans have an unnatural attraction to chompers but why spend money on Jimmy Choo rainboots and now you have no monies left over to fix a mouth full of snaggle teeth. I like a little character, a little Jewel or Adrien Brody…but a mouthful of character? I don’t know. I think really gnarly teeth only make me think they're not taking care of themselves. That reminds me, I need a teeth cleaning.

In conclusion, I'm obviously DVR’ing every single episode and you should too.

Stars, they make me wonder where you are

2012-10-24T20:07:00.003-07:00

Sometimes, some thing will catch me off guard. A stranger’s kindness, something funny, or a mundane daily activity will make me break down like shining my own boots for the first time hahaha. I mean really blubber, like some sort of Nicholas Sparks not so heroic heroine. Lately it has been Grace Potter and The Nocturnals’ “Stars.”

I legit had to pull over my mum’s car this week because I was crying too hard. It would be funny if it wasn't so sad… blegh.

Once again my family is entrenched in heavy hitting trauma. I don’t want anyone to misconstrue my mention of this family emergency as some sort of fodder for a particularly serious entry. Because when it comes down to it, if anyone trivialized any one, or any aspect of our lives I would beat them with an aluminum baseball bat, to be specific. However, it seems that recently we can’t get our heads above water. Literally I keep having my reoccurring nightmare of waves crashing overhead and I wake up 4 times a night, never really asleep and never really awake until I drag myself out of bed.

Even though I believe I have been dealing with dad’s death better than most of my family I will also admit that I rarely ever use those words, dad is dead. Because when I do it brings out the water works. I feel like when I look back n the past 12 months, as I approach another birthday, that I haven’t moved forward an instead, have lost too much. I sculpt certain aspects of my life to protect myself so I can just keep trucking along. With recent upheavals I think I need to give myself some time outs. Time out, from lots of things, but especially guilt.

You can never be there at the right time. You can never be there enough. You can never be enough. Not even for yourself. So lets just take a step back, everyone and don’t beat yourself up for anything because I know we all do it. I mean this for my friends dealing with life’s turmoil, for my family whom I love more than they know and for people I have yet to meet.

Well not to that crazy lady in Copley Square who yells at me that I ruined her life… Listen crazy, I may have fucked up some things, but I’m fairly certain I didn’t cause you to act like grade A lunatic.

So it is a low. But I’m coming off a high so let’s dip with the dip and come back up.

I followed your ashes into outer space
I can't look out the window,
I can't look at this place,

I can't look at the stars,
They make me wonder where you are

I thought you were the kind of girl who knew when to say when... and dating stuffs

2012-10-15T09:21:00.002-07:00

Ahh quotables from Juno. I’ve been dating up a storm lately because I truly feel like now I can actually make plans for myself. And while these plans didn’t include living at home and struggling to find a new job, they do include enjoying myself. However, it has come to my attention that there needs to be that discussion of when are we going to label this thing.

I don’t like labels. I don’t care about clothing labels and I don’t really like office supply labels that get jammed in the fucking printer on a daily basis. When it comes to dating why do I have to call it so early on in the game. And granted it is difficult to figure out where the other one stands in the situation I think if people are honest and open to discussing it you can avoid hurt feelings.

I will say that I am less than jealous and whether that’s good or bad that I don’t get possessive remains to be seen, it is however annoying for some. I can understand this. Why am I "ok" with both parties dating around? Well, I’m in my 20s, no real pressure to get married or have kids, at least from my self which should be the most important person, so why not see what happens.

Plus, the stories alone are worth the awkwardness of a first date. Interestingly enough, for someone who has kissed her share of frogs, and whatever the complete opposite, hot animal is… like a glittery male unicorn, I try never kiss on the first date.

I just met you, and I work in public health, I don’t know where you’ve been son! This is something I’ve also found people feel is awkward, like the guy I went on 1 date with 3 years ago that God has cursed me to run into every morning in Copley Square. He went in for the kiss, but I wasn’t having it, denied. Plus he discussed what he would want to name his future kids over a friggin coffee date. RED FLAG, I mean even for a non commitment-phobe like myself.

Although sidenote: a guy recently asked me what I was hoping to get out of all the dating, and I said well ultimately to fall in love. I mean if that isn’t your goal what are you doing!?

Another friend of mine who is getting back into the dating pool asked what I talk about on all these dates so I am going to give you my cheat sheet:

What is the best meal you’ve ever had?

This can open up travel stories, friends, ambiance, tastes, funny or sad things… all good for continuing conversation

Do you have any good scar/injury stories?

While this may seem morbid you would not believe how many men want to tell you about the time they had some sharp object slice and dice them.

Worst bad date story?

This can be terrible with the wrong person but towards the end of a good date it can be hilarious and also let the other person know that you do NOT think this is a bad date.

Music, Movies, TV

I try to stay away from favorite bands books. I mean we all like music, your taste in music doesn’t , in my opinion, say that much about a person. You may like a genre but unless he listens exclusively to Mariah Carey I think its pointless and boring. But amazing concert stories are fun. T.V. shows, if you have 1 in common can be good. I like move stuff though, I feel like we’re so media addicted these days that almost all people have some really passionate movie choice and you’ll spend more time going, watching and discussing movies than you will listening to the same song together in your apartment, without conversation, just listening… which by the way would be creeeeepville.

Politics

Well it is an election year, but don’t bring up anything that you can get really fired up about unless it is a deal breaker. If they have an opposing view don’t start bashing it. Move on, and decide later if it’s a deal breaker

Religion

Unless you 100% cannot date someone who is not of your faith do not ever bring up religion. JMO.

Dull Moments

Play, what are these people doing here?

Which is the game where you make up bizarre and humorous back stories for your fellow patrons. You can see someone’s creativity and get a laugh usually. Also, you can see if they’re kind. I am not… so doesn’t always work to my benefit.

Got some potential new ones so I’ll report back!

Happy hunting in the city!

How I probably end up looking when Im on a date:

Sooo a couple things...

2012-10-02T19:47:00.000-07:00

Quick question, is it a bad sign when a Match uses the words "whore" and "rape" early on emails?

Before you answer, consider this, he was only talking about strippers not me, he thinks I'm "darn pretty."

WHAT IS WRONG WITH MY LIFE?

It's almost laughable. So I did laugh, a little, at my situation but not about the poor stripper reference. Geeze dude, geeze. So besides this woman-hating ass-hat there are some other new mens in my life.

Welp with bachelor #1 I made some classic mistakes and started and may have mistepped a little...then nose dived into a pile of bad ideas and came out on the other end not exactly winning. Which if you know me, you know that winning is hugely important to me. And yes thats why I correct your pronounciation of words, grammar, and social media references. I'm only trying to better you not be an asshole.

Oh and bachelor #1, because you asked if I was going to write about you and I said only if you fucked up... well you fucked up. Here's your shout out, what, what! Grow up dude! Come on, and I want my fancy wine back.

Thought I googled "fancy wine" but accidentally googled "face wine" and this was the first image that came up... enjoy

I also had some closure with Mr. Big. Once again, me winning and coming across as a non-crazy, well mannered lady. Cuz you know, thats how I roll. At the end of the day, yes he hurt me but I allowed him to. I don't regret that because I'm trying to be more vulnerable.

Bachelor #2 is probably reading this haha so I will forgo commentary as I dont directly write about people currently in my life except what up Alli, I hope I make a match between you and that marketing runner dude, let me make a speech in your future wedding and I promise I won't bring up Todd Tisdale... a lot.

I just can never tell what people think about me. So I'm going to continue to look for that stomach flipping feeling. Who knows when and who it will come from. But I will say that please take my comments with a grain of salt. I only share what amuses or annoys me and this is just one part of a whole.

In other news, my chin randomly felt numb for like 90 seconds and I googled it and it could be cancer or nerve damage, so I have that going for me.

Ok nighty night, I will probably ruminate about this chin numbness for another hour and passout to episodes of Will and Grace.

Peace out cub scout.

Welcome to the Hotel California

2012-09-02T20:50:00.000-07:00

Well the big weekend has come and gone. My toe dipping into the sea of love turned into a belly flop in a much more shallow kiddie pool. The ins and outs will be detailed later. But for now, as I sit here with a face mask on (pulled from my several dozen samples as you've heard me right about before) in my underwear, while I listen to The Eagles... I want to focus on one thing in particular. You are only as amazing as you believe you are. Others only see how wonderful you truly are when you allow them to. When you don't, its usually for the right reasons.

Yeah, candels add to the overall vibe

ShitMotherFuckerFuckShit... fuck. I did not fuck it up for the record. He just decided I needed to know how unperfect I truly was. It involved showing me photos of his exes, making fun of my phone, my grey hairs that have started to arise, my lack of confidence (which I should have despite my aged hair) and how great an emotional mirror he could be for me. You know what isn't helpful, asshole? Saying all those things girls secretly think about themselves to their face.

Women don't need you to tell them how less than they are compared to Minka Kelly... oh yeah, that happened. We don't need you to tell us you care while simultaneously pointing out our flaws. I don't need you to say mean shit to me because chances are, I've already been told it before or thought of something way worse myself. Mr. Big turned out to be a BIG disappointment when I finally let my guard down. I mean there is some sort of American Psycho mind game bullshit he's playing and I am over games and, at 38, you'd think he'd be too. Also, he was generous and charming and you love be enamored instantly, but why be kind to strangers but not someone you want to be with? Be honest, if you don't like me, for whatever reason, don't tell me you love me. I don't throw that word around. You need a permit for a weapon of that magnitude. Ask anyone who knows me, I'm not going to flip out to hear youre not into me. Thats fine. People's chemistry and falling for someone isn't like cornbread... as in everyone FUCKING LOVES IT AND IT'S PERFECT ... right? that's just not me? God I wish I had some now...

Oh and don't worry, I'm sure he wont be reading this because he has way more important things to do. I'm sure if he did take the minutes to read through he would merely brand me the psycho girl all women are. Look, I'd be the first person to say bitches be crazy. I've said it before, and I'll say it again. But I'm not heaping blame on him.

My emotional availability, or lack there of, is well documented and worse than any sports related seasonal handicap, because mine is year round and no team wants to pick that up. But I'm a good time. Even Big couldn't deny this. So I worked on my sometimes concrete wall of pushback and allowed myself to be as open as I could and it backfired. We all have our flaws. Mine aren't merely physical, but I work on them all... note the mask above ha!

I deserve better. He deserves someone who gets his... humor. He can find what he wants. Good luck. But I'm 27 and I want more than just not enough. Great on paper, but not for me. I might not have a car, be relatively poor, live with my mom, commute via train at the crack of dawn to a job I hate every day but I have this $8 dollar of wine, I'm kind, funny, I have amazing friends and family and a pretty nice rack. So if that's too "budget" for some people that's fine by me.

Table of One

2012-08-27T06:44:00.002-07:00

Threesomes have recently been brought up in conversation with a friend and while most of my friends would never consider one it got me thinking about pairs, triplets, monogamy and monotony. Originally I was going to discuss the actual ménage trios but the fact is it makes me feel ick. Much like being the third wheel on a bite out to eat; no one likes being in a group of three because someone is always going to lose out. Look at roller coasters, popsicles (the double kind that are also amazing btw) ferris wheels, motorcycles... well lots of moving things, you know what I mean. I’ve been approached with this “opportunity” before and I am slightly offended.

What do I look like? Some 1970’s bored housewife at a key party? If you’re both in on having some Studio 54, Andy Warhol, sexual allegory then you’re probably making a mistake. Jussayin’. Yes there are people who will say, “well I did it and it was super fun.” However, the reality is people are using that kind of awkward encounter as a last ditch attempt to save a dying relationship. Someone always ends up being left out and feelings will be hurt.

A couple of my friends are monogamous for life. They have never cheated with anyone nor have they been cheated on. I have other friends who have been the cheater and far fewer who have actually been cheated on. Regardless, it makes for a suck-fest of a situation. Why don’t people end it and just accept defeat? Instead people reach for the band aid of a dog, a kid, an engagement… or a 3-some apparently.

Can people truly be happily monogamous? If I like someone enough then yes I don’t seek out someone new. To flirt is perfectly natural and healthy and if the person you’re with doesn’t think so, well then they’re lacking in confidence and are immature. To blatantly, rudely hit on someone in front of your significant other is equally immature. But who doesn’t like to feel like they’ve still got “it” and are interesting, attractive, and valid? But that is where it should end.

Some other friends have questioned whether they can truly be with one person for the rest of their lives. If not, would they end up the proverbial ‘alone.’ I don’t think fear of being alone should make anyone force themselves to commit to something that feels unnatural. Like the ill, short lived mid 2000’s jersey knit gaucho pants. Completely unnatural, a freak of nature but who here hasn’t thrown them on in the past, hung over, heading to Walgreens, perhaps. Try something on, see if it fits, if it doesn’t take it off and toss it in the garbage… the pants I mean.

A relationship that doesn’t work because it doesn’t feel right doesn’t have to be thrown away. Take it as a learning experience. Chances are, you’re probably not going to end up Miss Havisham. You’ll find something that fits you; something tailored… hopefully not a pants suit (no judgment). But if you don’t, and you realize you cannot be with one person, well then be honest about it, avoid hurting yourself and others and have a blast. You’ll be the old lady in the nursing home with good stories. Stories that don’t involve pudding, dislike of loud noises or start with, “kids these days.”

Love is a Four Letter word

2012-08-21T13:24:00.002-07:00

I’ve recently been informed that I have been largely remiss in my blog posts this summer. SORRY! Summer has been super busy. I went to Connecticut, Chicago, New Hampshire, Nantucket and of course my favorite OBX. I've already written about my Azerbaijani experience but there was also the huge build up guy, great date, never called again guy. And after some stopping and starting up again, there is something that finally might start. Now, I can write about him because I'm 99% sure he has no idea how to find this blog and smartly, is not on Facebook. However, that doesn’t mean I’m going to disclose his name. For my amusement and yours we will refer to him as Mr. Big. I’m not just ripping off SATC for the hell of it there are in fact similarities that cannot be ignored.

I am a poor girl – Carrie, in reality, would be poor
I’m a struggling writer – Carrie, in reality, would be struggling with 1 column to support her
Mr. Big in both cases is older, much wealthier, and has his shit together
I have no shit. Nothing is together. And while I am in fact getting older, I’m not getting wiser.

The deciding moment on whether or not I want to make this thing a “thing” will take place the last weekend in August. So needless to say, I am over thinking everything, working myself up into a tizzy (a word my mom uses), and expecting the worst. There may already be… feelings.

GROSS! Feelings for my paramours are not something that I usually disclose but I woke up in a cold sweat the other night and I think it was because I am afraid of becoming emotionally vulnerable, or not allowing myself to be and then dying alone with my bastard cat eating my eyeballs… never knowing what could have been. Of course the cold sweat cold also be attributed to some questionable take-out I had.

38 year old men say how they feel, well more so than 25 year old men. He’s not fucking around. Whereas I, minored in fucking around. Some of the required classes were napping, taping The Maury Povich Show, eating at 3am after drinking, paying someone else to do your laundry and procrastination.

To be serious about something means you care if ends. So when I’m not ruminating about how to appear loveable, sexy, cute, normal and intelligent all at the same time, I sit back and think about what if it all works?

Could it be that I'm not actually scared of him finding out about my unwillingness to eat white foods, obsession with dogs and bad temper? Am I really just afraid of the L word? (L-O-V-E not that show about lesbians on Showtime) I mean, usually girls grow up planning weddings and their perfect lives and all that goes with it. I just assumed with my swarthy looks, clumsiness, and affinity for tantrums I’d bounce around from one disaster to the next ending up somewhere between Jane Eyre (before she returns to blind Mr. Rochester), unrequited and tortured; or settling at 40, after years of fruitless dates and drama. I never thought hmm maybe after the obsessive lunatics, hurtful people, and sexual deviants I might get someone who actually fits.

Even if this isn’t right for me, I made a conscious decision to make a concerted effort at being an adult and am open human being. I’ll rein my craziness in but still be myself, try not to embarrass myself, and see how it goes.

Hey, it took Carrie 10 years to get her Mr. Big… fingers crossed

Now I better not fuck it up.