1001 THINGS TO BUG YOU ON YOUR DEATHBED

853. Your Use Of Puntuation Needs To Improve

noreply@blogger.com (ADMIN) — Sat, 27 Nov 2010 23:10:00 +0000

We all know it's the difference between helping your Uncle Jack, off a horse, and helping your Uncle Jack off a horse. I myself have never figured out the proper use of the semicolon ; does anybody remember Blair's "special" cousin Jerri on The Facts Of Life"? As you are on your deathbed, there is tremendous cause to worry about this. First off, if you have lost the power of speech, then communicating on an erase board is now your only option. How horrible would it be if you requested a banana, and rhubarb pie, and you were brought a banana AND rhubarb pie! It would simply taste awful. Even more important is the fact that there's little time to change your last will and testament. What if you bequeathed everything by stating that, "all belongings should be left in my cat's possession ", rather than, "all my belongings should be left in my cats' possession."? Helloooo?...you haven't specified WHICH OF YOUR 36 CATS is the rightful heir. Oh, the legalities! Here are three of the most common puncuation mistakes :

1. Writing Sentence Fragments
Sentence fragments are not complete sentences but they can be made a part of sentences. You should avoid using them, as such. For example:

I would go there. If I could.
There should be no period before the sentence fragment “if I could”. Instead, the fragment should be made part of the sentence, so that it reads like this:

I would go there if I could.
2. Using the Comma Splice
The comma splice joins two independent clauses with a comma. Below is an example.
I saw the itinerary, I want to join.
In this sentence, a comma connects two independent clauses. To correct this, you can either put a period after the first independent clause or add a conjunction after the comma.
I saw the itinerary. I want to join.
I saw the itinerary, and I want to join.
3. Putting Apostrophes for Plural Forms of Nouns
Another common mistake is adding apostrophes to plural nouns. Below are examples.
The orange’s are really sweet.
The kid’s will be performing in a musical.
The apostrophes in these examples should be omitted.

*I stole this. I am stunned that the apostrophe proves so difficult. I also don't like the fact that National Punctuation Day is on September 24, because now I have to remember TWO dates that month.

*E.A.T. : 4 months...time to start editing that will.

854. Did You Tip Enough?

noreply@blogger.com (ADMIN) — Mon, 18 Oct 2010 18:33:00 +0000

This is relative, depending on the services offered and whether or not you are empathetic to those individuals who perform the tasks that you yourself would never in a million years be caught dead doing. As it stands, the rule of thumb says that 15% is an acceptable amount provided there are no pubic hairs in your eggs benny. Personally, I have always tended to lean towards over-tipping, either because I have a deeper understanding of grueling jobs, or because I am extremely insecure and have a deeper seeded desire to acquire false recognition from those who I will likely never see again in my lifetime. If however, you are an individual who tips less than ten percent, you do so not because you attest to requiring better service, rather you are a petty tightwad.

Top Occupations That Deserve Receiving Tips, But Do Not :

1. Nurses - These good folks make our boo boos feel better as only mommy can, AND they are willing to spend their days engulfed in fluids (I can think of four, though I'm sure any nurse would correct me) that, upon introduction, would cause any average individual to faint like David Archuleta in a vagina factory.
2. Teachers - They shape our children and instill in them proper values so that we don't have to, and we take all the credit while these underpaid professionals are rewarded with nothing but accusations of molestation on interview night, and the odd Christmas mug.
3. Ninjas - As it is not generally discussed, it is a little known fact that the ever modest ninja will never ask to receive a gratuity for the dangerous services provided, rather he (unfortunately, the only mythical evidence of a female ninja can be found in the video below) does so out of pure nobility. As he will kill you if you offer a tip, place a bill under a rock, as said ninja will no doubt find it long after you have gone.

Top Occupations That Receive Tips, But Do Not Deserve To :

1. Prostitutes - No matter how sick and twisted the fantasy they have just fulfilled for you was, they have already been amply compensated by the agreed upon rate. Believe me.
2. Taxi drivers - I get it, you drove me from one place to another. Good job.
3.Bell Staff - Wait, how do I turn on the television again? The hot water is on the LEFT, correct?

E.A.T. : 2 minutes.

855. You Have Made Poor Career Choices

noreply@blogger.com (ADMIN) — Wed, 22 Sep 2010 17:28:00 +0000

While of course any of you can lament those years you spent at the pointy end of a mop in the glory hole, your regrettable decisions can't hold a candle to the once phenomenal thespian Nicholas Cage. Indeed, when Mr. Cage reads this post on his own deathbed in 2022, he will no doubt be hoping to parlay his position into one last comeback role. Might I suggest a biopic of Terri Schaivo entitled, "At War With Benjamin Franklin". The gender transformation alone would garner a nomination. Need evidence? Check out these roles, and corresponding dates :

1) Raising Arizona - 1987
2) Moonstruck - 1987
3) Vampire's Kiss - 1988
4) Leaving Las Vegas - 1995
5) Gone In Sixty Seconds - 2000
6) Captain Corelli's Mandolin - 2001
7) National Treasure - 2004
8) The Wicker Man - 2006
9) G-Force - 2009
10) The Sorcerer's Apprentice - 2010

The decline in artistry is simply astonishing.

E.A.T. : 2 weeks

856. You Have Bad Timing

noreply@blogger.com (ADMIN) — Tue, 21 Sep 2010 21:47:00 +0000

To make you feel better, here are some bad times I have had :

- One time I zoned out in my car and was rocking out all by myself to ACDC's "You Shook Me All Night Long". I was trying to scream only as Angus Young can and I was pumping my fist like a mad man. It just so happened that I was driving past a funeral procession.

- I show up early to everything. While I to this day insist that it makes me considerate of others, most of my friends assure me that I am actually giving the appearance of being too needy. Needy and awkward.

- When my grandmother was on her very own deathbed, it appeared to be the very end. She was unresponsive, and had been for some time. I turned and asked my brother, "How much time do you give her?" At which point my grandmother looked at both of us and said, "Fuck off."

What's the worst case of timing you've ever had? Comment below & you could win $100.00 cash (contest now closed). Seriously.

E.A.T. : 4 minutes

857. You Don't Reveal Enough About Yourself **Contest #2

noreply@blogger.com (ADMIN) — Thu, 29 Jul 2010 21:01:00 +0000

Time for our second contest all...our previous winner, SB, received $100 just for commenting on one of our posts so far. Here's what you need to do for chance number 2. Go to this post. Comment below the post & tell all of us your most all timiest embarrassing story. Don't worry you're among friends, and none of us will judge you (except for those of us that will be judging you). Remember to INCLUDE your name & email address ON THE ACTUAL POST. If you are worried about being scrutinized, make up an alias and use an email account that doesn't show your real name (though I'm sure many of us have much better things to do than correspond with you). That's it!! Contest closes September 30, and the author of the winning tale will win the $100 prize, which will be sent via pigeon courier, or electronically (whichever you prefer).

*E.A.T. : Two months

Top Comments -SB Won $100!

noreply@blogger.com (ADMIN) — Wed, 30 Jun 2010 20:53:00 +0000

"Me and my friends/extended family spend way too much time discussing and preparing for a zombie attack that will never happen... Or will it... " - Chelsea

"Ahhhhh, I remember when I won $100 from that awesome blog contest!..." - Amity

"Can someone go to the store and get me a beer? - Kye

"Finally - some time to sleep :)" - KTG

"I wonder if my boner would stay if I had one right now...." - Anthony

"Dying as a virgin...new trend or just pathetic?" - Emily

"I have enough patience to read this entry and leave a comment for it. Sleep on it. " - SBS (Left on post 859. You Were Never Very Patient)

"Maybe if they would've had duct tape, I'd still be alive." - Spud

"Hmmmm I didn't realize how much I took breathing for granted." - Sherry & Gena

"Well shit. I know there is something I wanted to say, but I have no idea what." - Anthony

"I wonder if cryogenics really works." - Betty

"If my son-in-law, whom I have never been fond of, is going to spend part of the inheritance that I leave for my daughter and if he is smiling counting the minutes until I am gone...ARGH!" - SG

"People who finally return crap they borrowed years ago knowing you cant possibly use it now and they will be *borrowing* it again once you are dead." - Dawn

858. You Don't Have A "Porn Friend"

noreply@blogger.com (ADMIN) — Wed, 30 Jun 2010 20:42:00 +0000

We're not talking about one who you would enjoy watching, making, or discussing pornography with. Rather we are focusing on the extremely serious issue that RIGHT NOW, you should have at least one person in your life that you are comfortable enough to have break into your apartment, and access your computer to delete all unsavory messages, pictures, and videos. They should also wipe the screen and keyboard for you. Keep in mind that you will have to divulge your password to this person, and NO ONE else. Mine is "fluffykitties9/11". The last thing you want people remembering you for (especially your family) is that records show you visited this site at 6:30 pm on December 24. They now know you were not late for Christmas Mass on account of a flat tire. I established this relationship years ago with my friend Matt. Since that time, I have been frantically searching my whole system and deleting several pictures that I have of Matt's cock.

E.A.T. : 2 seconds

859. You Were Never Very Patient

noreply@blogger.com (ADMIN) — Fri, 11 Jun 2010 21:49:00 +0000

Just by waiting so long for this post, you have proven that you are A) quite patient indeed and B) still alive. Weren't you raised properly? Patience is a virtue after all. In fact there are no other virtues known to man. There are characteristics, similes, and juxtapositions, but no other virtues. At present, you have every right to be impatient. You want that morphine NOW and you deserve it. The past however is a different story. You should have been more patient. Those individuals who are not are clitwads. If you honk your horn in traffic and expect all vehicles within your immediate vicinity to miraculously disappear into thin air, you are too impatient, and you are well, dumb. True story...last year I was fourth in the grocer's line when a woman went right to the front and placed five frozen pizzas on the counter. The four of us gave her a look but she told us that she was in a hurry to get home for a pizza party for her son. Apparently this was acceptable to us, as we said nothing more. Instead we all looked at the floor sheepishly. It was pathetic. There are times however, when it is acceptable to be impatient :

- Any toll booth. Ever. Just take the E-Z Pass. Have you ever heard of an individual going to jail for doing so?

- You have to go to the bathroom, but the present occupant is busy reading Shiterature, even though they have clearly finalized their task.

- The 18 minutes of previews, warnings, trivia, propaganda, and advertisements that precede any theatrical release.

- The twelve minute mark of any Jerry Bruckheimer film. Don Simpson checked out at just the right time.

- Waiting for your bus stop while seated next to a clearillegal who sees fit to gorge on a tupperware of cold chicken tikka masala while drips come off their mouth and splatter the latest issue of People magazine (the left hand page of which is resting on YOUR leg).

***E.A.T. : 7 seconds

860. You Hate Children

noreply@blogger.com (ADMIN) — Sat, 22 May 2010 19:27:00 +0000

Especially when they come to visit you and remind you just how little you have to offer the rest of society right now. Kids are annoying. Period. The fact that they say anything that comes to their mind is not "liberating". It is rude. It's like being constantly engaged by Michael Moore. And guess what? Kids can't drink, go rock climbing, or legally gamble. They also can't drive you anywhere. And what's up with them asking the same thing over and over again? Do they think we are deaf? We are not, rather we are ignoring them until such a time they can contribute to the world. Then we will use them. Here are the ten most annoying children of all time :

1) Lil' Hitler
2) Anakin Skywalker (Star Wars - Episode 1 "We're Terribly Sorry")
3) Andy Keaton (Family Ties)
4) Sam McKinney (Different Strokes)
5) Six Lemeure (Blossom)
6) Kimmy Gibler (Full House)
7) Ray Boyd (Jerry Maguire)
8) Lawrence "Chunk" Cohen (The Goonies)
9) Short Round (Indiana Jones And The Temple Of Doom)
10) Cousin Oliver (The Brady Bunch)

***E.A.T. : Two minute "time out"

861. You Still Have 35 Months Left On Your Cell Phone Contract

noreply@blogger.com (ADMIN) — Tue, 11 May 2010 02:00:00 +0000

I doubt if you explained your current prognosis to your service provider they would give a hoot. Telephone corporate bigwigs like two things : fine print and anal rape. And considering that the top five providers earn over a combined $50 billion, you'd think they'd let you out of your contract a little easier and find some other poor schlub (there's no shortage of us) to wine, dine, and pee on during intercourse. This guy is trying to sell a book...I'll save you the money. Simply fax the below form to your service provider and have them sign it :

Cellular Provider Contract :

- Every time I receive a text message from your company requesting payment, Michael Bolton will show up at your door and sing one or all of his "greatest" hits. He will not stop until dusk.
- Every time I call with an inquiry and get transferred, each person I have to speak to on the other end of the line will get further along in the stages of bowel cancer.
- For every bar of muzak or Sade that I have to listen to while on hold, you are authorizing me to collect a sample of my own feces and mail said sample to your head office. Or you must credit my account with 10 free text messages.
- When there is only one month remaining on my contract, you must not contact me by phone, text, email, or carrier pigeon, as I am using this time to shop around. Each time you contact me, your smiley on my report progressively turns into a frowney.

*Failure to comply with any of these rules and obligations could result in immediate cancellation of the policy. In addition to Michael Bolton, the cancer, feces, and frowney, I reserve the right to collect reparations for poor service in the amount of five dollars for every minute of wasted time dealing with customer service. Also, your vice president must attempt to fellate himself in front of everyone at the next corporate luncheon.

***E.A.T. : While you may think unlimited, it's actually 100 daytime minutes.

862. You Don't Comment Enough On Blogs (Rules For The Contest - Best Comment Gets You $100.00!)

noreply@blogger.com (ADMIN) — Wed, 05 May 2010 15:46:00 +0000

1) The contest is open to residents of the United States and Canada, and prize awarded will be in US funds.
2) There are no limits to the amount of comments you may post.
3) ***BEFORE POSTING YOUR COMMENT, MAKE SURE TO EMAIL deathbedthoughts@gmail DIRECTLY WITH YOUR VALID EMAIL ADDRESS AND COMMENT. This is not so we can collect addresses for spamming, as we have better things to do. Rather, it provided us with your info so we can send you your cash if you win (on the site, you can then still post as "anonymous" if you wish).
4) Deadline for comment submissions is June 30, 2010. After this time, readers may vote for the comments for one week.

***YOU DON'T JUST HAVE TO COMMENT ON THIS POST...THERE ARE OVER 100 OTHERS TO STIR YOUR IMAGINATION!!

Good luck, & happy commenting!

***E.A.T. : Just under two weeks!

863. You Wish You'd Had A Better Upbringing

noreply@blogger.com (ADMIN) — Mon, 03 May 2010 22:41:00 +0000

And yet even though you swore you weren't going to raise your kids in the same fashion you went ahead and did it anyway, didn't you? In hindsight, it really didn't matter how your parents raised you, as social and technological influences did most of the work anyway. Yup, you've been reared by Joe Camel, Laugh-In, Jimi Hendrix, and at present by Guitar Hero and the Kardashians. Even when your mom & pop tried to instill morals in your formative years, they went about it all wrong. Consider this :

-The very fact that the melody of the Titanic Song (Husbands And Wives) is so uplifting, especially during the lyric, "Husbands and wives, little children lost their lives..." left you completely desensitized to death.
-Humpty Dumpty could never be put together again, and ever since you've had a fear of heights.
-Duck duck goose taught you that you snooze, you lose, and now you're 67 and still calling shotgun.

And for the cream of the crop, watch below. This is easily the most offensive nursery rhyme I have ever come across, and is the unofficial state song of South Carolina.

***E.A.T. : 2 minutes

864. You Never Played An Instrument

noreply@blogger.com (Lawrence Park Pet Care) — Fri, 30 Apr 2010 20:07:00 +0000

And no, the xylophone or skin piccolo doesn't count. Remember when your friend got his first guitar and all the ladies would swoon under a tree while he wore birks and serenaded them with some John Denver, Dave Matthews, John Mayer, or even worse an original he had written entitled, " Cheese Like The Wind"? It didn't matter how much the guy smelled of patchouli, the girls adored him, I mean even the ones who never saw him liked....It's never too late to learn a new instrument. Look around you, there are tons of makeshifts in your immediate vicinity, from bed pan (Bonzo!) to nurse buzzer (Moby!). If however, you wish to be a bit more traditional, here are eight of the easiest instruments to learn. I guess the xylophone does count. Embarrassing for me!

***E.A.T. : 16 hours to perfect "Heart Of Gold" on your respective choice

865. You Never Had A Good Cry

noreply@blogger.com (ADMIN) — Fri, 30 Apr 2010 15:51:00 +0000

This is why you are in this position! It has been scientifically proven that having a good sob once in a while relieves both stress and tears, and that you can avoid cancer simply by crying while you smoke. So what if everybody else thinks you're emotionally unstable, at least your not a robot. Actually, that's not true. The Iron Giant cried. Wimp.

***E.A.T. : 7 minutes should do it

866. You Never Gave Online Dating A Shot

noreply@blogger.com (ADMIN) — Thu, 29 Apr 2010 21:37:00 +0000

Let's face it, the glory days of sock hops and barn mixers are long gone. You slept your way around the office and the bus you take home, and now it's time to start anew. Over 100 000 marriages take place annually as a result of cyber, and possibly cyborg hook-ups, so don't you think you should have at least given it a go? Thankfully, it is not too late for you, as there are thousands of lonely individuals nationwide who are looking to supplement their own self-hatred by tending to the needs of a sick one who has lost the ability to bone. There are some rules that you must obey however, when submitting an online profile to Lavadeath :

Rule #1 : Be honest - Remember, if all goes well, eventually your date will meet your friends, and you wouldn't want them to tell him/her that you actually never rescued a drowning child, and that in fact it was a floating frisbee.

Rule #2 : Submit a current picture - If one of your goals is actual human contact, there is no purpose in posting a picture that was taken back when you were young, dumb, and full of goals. Let the other see what you actually look like RIGHT NOW! If you have some shameful scars or boils, make sure to include them in the photo. Better yet, make the entire blemish you profile pic. This way, you will know that you at least have higher scruples than the responder....who just turns out to be into that sort of thing.

Rule #3 : Do not attempt to contact another who is clearly above you in looks and personality -This can not be stressed enough. I have never in my life encountered a "three" who met an "eight and a half" online. Those individuals who are on the lower end of the scale seeking someone higher up? They end up losing faith in themselves as no one responds. Those at the top of the scale who are searching for someone far lower? They are serial murderers seeking victims. Stick within two points.

Rule #4 : Never give up! : Remember, somewhere out there is an individual who will fit perfectly with your lifestyle. Also remember that the term "soul mate" is utter bullshit. There is no such thing as a soul mate, so stop looking for one and start looking for your "you'll do".

And for you ladies, check out these guys....I'm sure at least three of them are still available!

***E.A.T. : 2 - 3 weeks

867. You Are Too Indecisive

noreply@blogger.com (ADMIN) — Thu, 29 Apr 2010 01:15:00 +0000

Should I go to Vegas? Should I keep this skullet? Should I mix pop rocks and coke? These are three of seven questions that we ask ourselves on a daily basis, and sometimes, it is just too darned hard to come to a definitive answer. This article says it can help you be quite firm in your decision making abilities. I think it's a bunch of phooey. There, I said it. There is a much easier process by which you can determine a course of action. It is called "The Rule Of Shot". When a complete stranger approaches you in a bar and asks if you'd like to join them for a Prairie Fire, the amount of time it takes you to either accept or decline the offer can be proportionally applied to any other issues you are having trouble resolving :

Time before decision :

1 - 5 seconds : You have firmly established that yes, you are going to partake in said action.
5- 10 seconds : While it might not be the best idea at the time, you're gonna go for it anyway!
10 - 30 seconds : You know you shouldn't but you only live once, so when in Rome....
30 seconds - 1 minute and beyond : If you haven't decided by now, BACK OFF!!!

*The above scale will save much unnecessary self torment, and can be applied to such monumental issues as participating in crime sprees, getting abortions, and going hang gliding.

***E.A.T. : oh man, I'm so bad at this....um 4 minutes...no no...SIX!!!!

868. What Songs Should Play At Your Funeral?

noreply@blogger.com (ADMIN) — Wed, 28 Apr 2010 22:09:00 +0000

Everyone wants a personalized soundtrack, and each of us tries to think of that one song which epitomizes our existence to be played at the service. If you want to inspire tears, choose Sarah Mclachlan, Celine Dion, or Bette Midler. If you want to impel mass hysteria and utter confusion, opt for GWAR, Right Said Fred, or the Mini Pops. Assembling the right collection of sweet tracks should be high on your radar right now, as the service will be quite embarrassing if you leave it in your "NickleCreed"-loving brother's hands. Just go to your itunes and create a playlist entitled "Crematorium...and step on it!". If you are unfamiliar with itunes, record songs from the radio, but try to minimize the loud ".....and the next song is.....!" click between songs on your mixed tape, as this isn't camp. Remember to choose varying tempos, as you want everybody to remember both the melancholy and the spontaneity that used to be you! Here's some help :

Top selling soundtracks of all time :

1) The Bodyguard (1992)
2) Saturday Night Fever (1977)
3) Purple Rain (1984)

Best soundtracks of all time (somewhat subjective) :

1) Dirty Dancing (1987) - "Where Are You Tonight", "Hungry Eyes", "She's Like The Wind". Need I say more? Nobody puts Swayze in a coroner's.

2) Grosse Point Blank (1997) - "Blister In The Sun", "I Can See Clearly Now", "Mirror In The Bathroom".
3) Superfly (1972) - "Superfly", Freddie's Dead", "Pusherman".

Honorable Mentions : A Hard Days Night (1964), West Side Story (1961), Magnolia (1999), Kill Bill Volume 1 (2003), The Royal Tenenbaums (2001).

Dishonorable Mentions : The Star Wars Holiday Special (1978), Ghostbusters 2 (1989), Armageddon (1998).

***E.A.T. : 4 good minutes, plus 49 minutes of filler

869. You Are A Hypochondriac

noreply@blogger.com (ADMIN) — Tue, 27 Apr 2010 21:31:00 +0000

FINALLY! You are now able to admonish all the naysayers who told you for all those years to "stop blowing this out of proportion!". Well guess what? Your current prognosis seems quite proportionate now doesn't it? All this time THEY were the ones full of bunk and YOU were the one full of viruses. That'll learn 'em! It is now time to make those doubtful Dudleys feel tremendous guilt for having not listened to you for the past forty years. Make one of them go get you a new KFC Double Down Sandwich, and while you're at it, make them eat their words by eating that same sandwich (did they really think you were in any condition to be so gluttonous?). Between 0.08 and 8.0% of Americans suffer from hypochondria (read the article if you dare). I was going to put up a link providing assistance in managing this terrible disorder, but I'm afraid doing so would give me a tummy ache. I've suffered from the "scaredies" for as long as I remember. The other day, my sister-in-law sent me an invitation to join her on a fund raising bike trek. It's not the fact that I don't care to support the worthy cause (the name of which escapes me at present...I think it might have been for PETA, or "People for the Ethical Treatment of Alcoholics"), or that 30 miles is too much for my robust figure to handle. Nope, the reason that I choose not to participate is simply self preservation. You see, if I make it onto the bike without having a panic attack, than surely one of my laces will get caught in the chain and I'll flip chode over chin, and I'll scrape along the ground long enough for my skin to peel off exposing my innermost secrets and organs, all the while everyone is pointing and giggling yelling, "That's a pretty enlarged liver chode guy!". Then as the paramedics are doing their best to sew me together, a bee will sting me in the throat and I will only be able to express my distress if someone nearby happens to have Taboo. Then, I die, but not until after I've soiled my Strawberry Shortcake boxers that no one was supposed to see. Don't bother suggesting I wear shoes without laces. That's just gay.

***E.A.T. : 1 second

870. You Were A Bad "Breaker-Upper"

noreply@blogger.com (ADMIN) — Mon, 26 Apr 2010 23:06:00 +0000

The single most important factor in calling it quits with a flame is to do so in a way that provides an opportunity to remain friendly with the individual on the receiving end of the blow. Otherwise, everyone and your dental hygienist will know that you sob uncontrollably in your sleep. NEVER use the "It's not you, it's me" line, as everyone with an IQ of at least 50 will realize the fact that indeed, it is them. Never write a letter like one of these, and make sure to KISS (Keep It Sassy Sista!). Simply fill in the blanks in the letter below and you'll be smooth sailing :

"My dearest ______ (name). I've been thinking about where we stand together for ______ (10% of relationship duration) now, and unfortunately I just don't see us growing any further as _______ (a couple, star-crossed lovers, bathhouse reciprocators). What makes this all the more difficult is the fact that when we made love, it felt as though ________ (the planets were in perfect alignment, our union was destined to be, your brother Steve was watching us). Please let your family know that this does not come as a result of any of their actions, in particular your mother, who has always gone to great lengths to welcome me with open arms, and who makes a mean ________ (parmesan risotto, green tea crusted chicken, bubble bath). Most of all, please remember that it's not you, it's _________ (the unstable economy, your brother Steve, your best friend who SWF'd us the whole time we were together).

I hope that we remain friends forever. XOX,

_________ (name, pet nickname, genital nickname) "

***E.A.T. : 36 minutes

871. You Can't Keep Up With Current Fads

noreply@blogger.com (ADMIN) — Sat, 24 Apr 2010 11:09:00 +0000

Fortunately for you, the top three fads of 2010 are "lying prone", "opening and closing curtains", and "hydrocodone". Unfortunately for you, these fads change as rapidly as Andy Dick's sexuality, and you're going to have to keep up with the trends. Remember these? :

Pre 50s : flappers, Slinky, "Your gams are the cat's meow, but this giggle water gives me the heebie-jeebies!", the jitter-bug.

50s : Silly Putty, Bazooka Joe, "That razzes my berries. You're cruisin' for a bruisin' you grody wet rag!", ant farms, tv dinner.

60s :LSD, bell bottoms, platform shoes, "Slip me some skin before you flip your wig you groovy real gone cat. Now go stick it to the man Daddy-O!", tanning cream.

70s: The Fonz, "Beats the hell out of me why you can't dig it you dingbat so stop going ape....I'll catch you on the flip side!",mood rings, tetherball, fondue

80s : Scratch n' Sniff stickers, Swatch, Baby On Board, Chia Pets, "Dude, gag me with a spoon and take a chill pill...I know you're stoked because it's totally rad but just say no. It's so bodacious! Not!! Pshych!!!", Garbage Pail Kids

90s :Pokemon, Elmo, "Yo wassuuuup? What's the dillio? Man that party was off the heasy. It was totally the shiznit, and I got mad jiggy with it. The phat bomb yo, all that and a bag of chips! Actually, my bad, it was just aiight. I said booya to it...man don't even go there. You'll have more fun if you talk to the hand. Word!", independant VHS cassette rewinders, slap bracelets.

00s : Metrosexuality, energy drinks, uggs, hybrids, skate shoes, "OMG my peeps got owned last night by some newbs. Whoa, Imma let you finish but I have to compliment your bling. It's epic! True dat. Meh, my hella gaydar is telling me that emo likes other guys' muffin tops!", Atkins, roller shoes, ring tones, the faux hawk.

So how many of the above are still popular today, and did I miss any biggies? Here are the trends for the upcoming decade, so do your homework : iCrocs, pants that sag enough for one to see your prepubescent bat wing, iCathaters, NYSE parachutes, "Man, you totally made it to Lohan time in that choking game. I so want to go to there!", natural disaster parties, iPugs.

***E.A.T. : about an hour to let me know what I missed

872. You Can't Control Your Laughter

noreply@blogger.com (ADMIN) — Fri, 23 Apr 2010 20:14:00 +0000

At a time like this, I am surprised. Hopefully your caregiver is helping you ride through this gelastic seizure. You may however, just be having a mild case of the chortles,or you've FINALLY reached the seventh stage of grief...kudos! Don't panic, as this will soon pass (along with all brain function). Unfortunately these incidents often occur in the most inopportune social settings, and as tears stream down your face all you can think about is how many people you are going to have to apologize to, and all you can do is think of ANYTHING to make it stop (grandpa playing with Ben Wa balls.....grandpa playing with Ben Wa balls......) Here are some inappropriate settings that will cause anguish, and some images you can visualize to help you get through the mortifying situation :

1) At your Aryan youth rally, the honorary guest lecturer misspeaks, telling the flock, "You must eradicate all the juice!" *Think about your least favorite juice, and how just the slight smell of it makes you gag.
2) Any sad death or horrific death.

*Visualize your life tomorrow, delivering meals-on-wheels to elders who aren't even that hungry, they just want to feel your supple skin applying chamomile lotion to their bunions.
3) During THE SCENE of Sophie's Choice. *Imagine what you would do if you had to choose between your spouse and that super sweet new sea-doo your spouse gave you yesterday.
4) Right when the Grand Wizard is handing out badges and individually congratulating the top ten bake sale fundraisers, someone lets out a squeaker. *Picture the smug look on Lonnie's dirty face when he wins. That guy is the epitome of unklanliness, and everybody knows his wife bakes those "lemon-lynch ladyfingers" anyway.
5) A funeral. *Envision the person in the coffin climaxing.

***E.A.T. : 16 minutes if you're watching Curb, 16 seconds if you're watching reruns of "According To Jim"

873. You Were Never On A Trashy Talk Show

noreply@blogger.com (Lawrence Park Pet Care) — Thu, 22 Apr 2010 19:56:00 +0000

This was soooo easy to achieve, and still may be! I'm not saying you have to spout witticisms on AC360 or Meet The Press. There are at least five other outlets on which you can become instantly famous to your friends. Just do one of these things to get on a respective program :

1) Be high (must have some level of fame) - Sonya Live! In LA
2) Be self-deprecating - The People's Court
3) Be Diminutive - Jerry Springer
4) Be Scared Of Something - Maury Povich (jerk)
5) Be racist - Geraldo

Besides these attributes, you could also be fat (Jenny Jones), pregnant (Ricki Lake), a rebellious teen (Maury), disfigured (Maury), or pregnant (Maury). Come to think of it, Maury Povich has proved that this really is the greatest generation. Suck an egg Brokaw.

***E.A.T. : 44 minutes of cringe induced projectile vomiting

874. You Have Never Served Time

noreply@blogger.com (ADMIN) — Thu, 22 Apr 2010 18:19:00 +0000

Well you're not in the majority, as thankfully only one in thirty-one Americans is currently incarcerated. Drunk tanks at colleges across the nation don't count, as sobering up in one for a couple hours because you got caught giving/getting a hummer in the dean's tool shed just means you are not very stealth (unless you were with the dean). This figure means you either know an inmate, or are not popular. Being placed in a cell helps you appreciate your life on the outside. I know from experience. Years ago, I was arrested for something I don't even remember (drunk driving) and caged overnight until my court appearance the next morning. Luckily, it was late at night so I didn't have to make small talk, and I was placed directly in a cell with a mattress on the floor (overcrowding is still an issue). My new roomies were fast asleep on the bunk, and I didn't want to wake them just to have to rock, paper, scissor for a prime spot, so I slumbered on the floor, waking only every so often to ensure that my craisin was still intact. I awoke the next morning under two immense seated thighs as one of my new pals was taking an elephantine crap above my head. I know, I should have slept foot-to-bowl, but I was a newbie. Then off to a healthy breakfast and optional shower (I took one just for the thrill), and then into the paddy wagon to head to court. Luckily, as an amputee, I was placed at the end of the chain gang. The other seven minority prisoners thought this was cute, and mocked me as we compared crimes, realizing I was just some scared shitless yuppy punk who didn't really belong chained to a murder, rapist, and wife beater (I can't remember what the other four did, though I'm sure it was not very becoming). Needless to say, after that experience I never drove drunk again (false... I was quite incorrigible back then). As Elmer The Safety Elephant says, "Remember kids, you do the crime, you do prison transferred chlamydia!".

***E.A.T. : 5 to 10 minutes if you keep your good eye open

875. You Watched Too Much Reality TV

noreply@blogger.com (ADMIN) — Wed, 21 Apr 2010 21:01:00 +0000

OK, I don't have my thesaurus handy, but I think that statement is an oxymoron. Or is it hyperbole? Nope, I'm going with oxymoron. The fact is, you can not watch enough reality television. When you are at your lowest point ever, you can always turn on the boob tube to find some fame seeking whore doing something pathetic to earn the attention that he/she evidently never received as a child. For your reading pleasure, below are my top four moments in the history of American train wreck TV! :

1)Cloris Leachman's entire run on Dancing With The Stars : Now I must confess that I have never been an avid follower of this show, but after randomly flipping to the channel and seeing this sexy old broad being swung around like a sack of potatoes by her partner Corky Ballas? Part wonder and amazement with the stamina of the woman/part dread of what could possibly go wrong. She sure kept the entertainment coming! **Cloris Leachman is an exception to the whore rule, as far as I know.

2) Survivor Micronesia contestant Eliza Orlins plays fake immunity idol : The best part is the gal had little clue about it being fake. In fact, it had been constructed by rival Ozzie in a fashion that could resemble a third grader's art project. The bestest part? As usual, the reactive faces during the tribal council.

3) Big Brother 9 winner Adam Jasinski uses an offensive term : His motive for competing on the show was clear. He wanted money so he could open a hair salon for special needs kids “so the retards can get it together and get their hair done.” I guess he forgot that he actually worked with special needs children outside of the house. Don't worry folks, he atoned for his sin once he exited the house. What's that? He used his winnings to purchase and distribute oxycodone? Oh my!

4) Jersey Shore's Snookie gets knocked out : No man should ever strike a woman. Ever. But have you watched Jersey Shore? I'm just sayin'.

Estimated Additional Time (E.A.T.) : You have an extra 27 minutes to watch Pimp My Ride

876. Did You Live Life To The Fullest?

noreply@blogger.com (ADMIN) — Wed, 21 Apr 2010 20:57:00 +0000

Well that depends, is the best concert that you ever saw one/all three nights of Led Zeppelin's classic Madison Square Garden Trilogy of 1973, or was it Woodstock 1999? People say that living life to the fullest is relative. This is not true. Sure, you are happy with you, you value what you have in life, and you "live for the day", but what kind of criteria is that? There are far better ways to determine how full your life has been.

1) Have you made lots of money? Because no matter what people tell you or what statistics they through at you, having wealth makes life more full. The more wealth, the more life. This is a fact.

2) Have you ever fought a bear? No? Because the guy in the picture has, and he's pretty awesome. Was pretty awesome. So what if he lost the battle, at least he has an amazing story to tell his grand kids. Nevermind.

3) Have you had a ridiculous amount of good sex? Former flames don't remember the sweet sensitive ones, they remember the raunchy time(s) they did it in the car behind a 7 Eleven and finished off with a fully loaded Big Bite®

4) Ever been bungee jumping? Me neither. I'm too scared of heights.

5) Do you have lots of enemies? There is no greater revenge than living longer than your foes. So long as your foes are not generally well liked by the majority of your inner circle.

Not to depress you at this sensitive time, but unless you answered "yes" to at least three of these questions, than in all likelihood the answer to the question is "DAMMIT!!"

***Estimated Additional Time (E.A.T.) : Thinking of all you've missed out on can keep you going for at least a week