100 Jobs

Job No. 78 - Director of Events

2007-06-25T14:24:00.000-07:00

Well, it's been quite a busy time lately - I had to get all the coursework in for the taught section of my Masters finished off (which involved plenty of late nights) and I've now moved onto the Masters Project (which, while less stressful than the coursework, is still taking up most of my time). Ok, I admit, I'm making vague excuses for why it's taken me so long to get around to writing another job application...

Although, in my defence (and offering a further excuse) I would have managed to write this application earlier if my car hadn't decided to die a death today. Something involving tappets and worn cam shafts I believe - and none of it any good! So, if anyone would like to donate a new engine - or indeed a new car - to a struggling writer then please get in touch! :-)

Anyway, enough waffling about me...this morning, while meandering amongst the Guardian Jobs page (a perennial favourite) I happened upon the following position - European Healthy Stadia Project Manager.

The problem of ill stadiums has been largely ignored by the medical profession but, with the Olympics coming up on us fast, it's obvious that they're trying to act before it is too late. I mean, just imagine if you had to cancel a major event because Wembley Stadium had contracted a case of the chickenpox?

However, as tempting a job as this was, I soon stumbled across something bigger, something more exciting - something which was surely a much better fit with my particular skillset. So, today, I have applied to be the Director of Events at the Royal Albert Hall.

Being a very cultural sort, I felt this was right up my street as it served to couple my inventive nature with my keen understanding of how to entertain the cultural elite. The job description called for "the creativity to identify and develop opportunities for new programming ideas."

I was determined that my application should give me a place to express some of my highly innovative and creative ideas by suggesting some opportunities that they had perhaps, hitherto, overlooked.

Obviously, the Royal Albert Hall is synonymous with classical music, opera and ballet but I felt if it was to appeal to the common man it needed to find some events that were less elitist and which offered great inclusion and accessibility. Hence, for starters, I have proposed Celebrity Mud Wrestling, Opera Karaoke (with a pitcher of beer and free curry thrown in for the price) and spicing things up a bit by luring the Adult Video News awards away from Las Vegas...

I'm certain that when they read my glittering and bold vision, they'll soon be whisking me down to London to start planning their event calendar...

Book update...

2007-05-13T02:48:00.000-07:00

Well, while there's no news yet of any publishers deciding to snap the blog up and give me a huge seven-figure advance (allowing me to retire in luxury where I can spend all day drinking tea and eating cream cakes), there is a little bit of an update on the news I had in January - the news being that a US publisher wants to include two of my blog entries in an anthology of non fiction...

Today I found the book (which is released in July) had a listing on Amazon! Apparently it is a collection of "Narrative nonfiction at its cutting-edge best from writers at the cusp of recognition and fame."

The editor published the book with the intention of finding "new voices and innovative ideas — essays and articles written with panache and power."

I am quite pleased that someone thought I fell into either of these categories. However, I am not quite so certain about the old 'at the cusp of recognition and fame' bit - unless it's a bloody big cusp, that is...

Job No. 77 - FHM High Street Honey

2007-05-06T13:53:00.000-07:00

Well, I know it's been a while since I managed a job application - life has been rather hectic of late - but today I stumbled across news that FHM are looking for a new High Street Honey for 2007. Apparently it's:

"...the biggest - and sexiest - competition of its kind, with a prize to make any aspiring model go weak at the perfectly-formed knees. Fill out the form below and then submit your pictures for a chance to win £10,000 and a place on the FHM cover. Good luck!"

Now, I realise that a competition is not quite a job - but it's pretty close and winning the competition would ensure that I would receive a "guaranteed modelling contract with a respectable modelling agency with whom we have a strong relationship."

From what I understand of the High Street Honeys competition, it is traditionally aimed at female entrants but - since I didn't see anything in the rules that prohibited males from entering - I figured I might as well have a good go. So, I started by reading FHM's six easy steps to taking a winning Honey's photo...

Step 1 - Do Wear Black
This wasn't too much of a problem for me since the vast majority of my wardrobe is in black. It would have far been harder to find something that wasn't black. Getting a suitable pose involved taking a look at some of last year's finalists, digging out the digital camera and - one quick ponce around in front of a door later - I'd captured my first FHM picture. I then made it black and white for a more artistic look...

Step 2 - Do Utilise Your Surroundings
I didn't have many surroundings to utilise - but I did have a door so I stood in front of it...

Step 3 - Do Be Proud
Apparently, if you have won an award, you shouldn't be afraid to show it in your photo. It was at this point that I cursed my misfortune in not stumping up the necessary cash to purchase my 2006 Editor's Choice Published Poet Ribbon Award Pin - just think how proud I would have been if I could have managed to get that into the photo!

Step 4 - Do Venture Outside
Once in a while, I find that I must abandon my PC and venture out into the world that lies outside my living room - it doesn't happen often but, fortunately, I managed to capture the momentous occasion on camera and used this for my second FHM picture....

Step 5 - Do Remove the Bra
FHM give the handy advice that 'half our last top ten lost the mango-hammock and got to the final!". Not possessing mangoes (or indeed any other kind of exotic fruit), let alone said hammock, I felt secure in the knowledge that I had done my best...

Step 6 - Do Show a Little Nip
Ok, so I fell at the final hurdle; both of my entries were completely nipple free - and, may I point out that any comments along the lines of 'but you made a tit out of yourself' would be almost entirely predictable...

So, with my pictures sorted I just had to complete the online entry form (I decided to name 'My Mum' as the person who had nominated me) and agree to the terms and conditions (which would, should I be chosen to reach the final 10, prevent me from appearing on the covers of rival magazines such as Maxim or Loaded). Now I just have to sit back and wait for that ten thousand pound modelling prize to fall into my lap...

An off topic rant...

2007-04-18T15:34:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm taking time out from my usual job applications to bitch, whine, moan and generally rant about the immigration service in the UK and how much I've enjoyed dealing with them today...

So, the story starts because my wife is a foreign national and has a visa that permits her to stay in the UK for two years.

Now, since my wife's passport has expired and is with her consulate being renewed, I contacted the immigration service at the point in time where it would be possible to apply for a new visa allowing her to permanently settle in the UK - this was the 23rd March - and asked what the situation was when applying for a new visa without a current passport. No problem, said they, you can send in the application with a covering letter but - they said - it would be easier if you could wait until nearer the time (which happens to be tomorrow, April 19th) in case the passport becomes available to pick up.

Ok, I thought - no problems; I'll wait until the very last day then, if the passport becomes available we can send it off and, if it doesn't, I just send the covering letter that I've got prepared...

Well, the passport still wasn't ready by this morning so I got ready to send off the application. However, while putting together the package to send I realised that I'd made an error on one of the pages of the application form so I hopped online, googled up the form - it's a SET(M) form if you're interested - and pulled up the PDF file.

The application form looked completely different.

Assuming I'd clicked the wrong file I navigated back and checked - nope, this was the SET(M) file and there was some text about it having changed on April 2nd 2007...a small alarm bell started to ring in my head...

I flicked through the information - from April 2nd, the form and application process had changed and, not only had the fees more than doubled (£335 to £750), but there was a requirement for all applicants to have passed something called the Life in the UK test.

To say I was displeased is an understatement - I could have posted the form with a covering letter on the 23rd March but only held off because the immigration service told me it would be easier if I waited. Of course, they neglected to mention that if I waited I'd also incur an extra £415 in application fees, plus a £34 test (and the £10 book you need to revise the information from!).

It got worse.

I rang the immigration department and explained the problem. To paraphrase, they told me 'tough'. Apparently this change had been in the news so I should have known about it. Not only that but - because my wife hadn't passed the Life in the UK test (since we didn't even know it existed until this morning and you can't take it within seven days of booking it) she can't apply for the settlement visa but must, instead, apply for an extension of stay until she can take the Life in the UK test...

The extension visa costs £395 and will last a month or two until she has to take the test, at which point we will have to pay an additional £750 to apply for a settlement visa. So, due to the advice of the immigration service, the cost of the visa has risen from £335 to £1189 (a not entirely insubstantial increase of 355%).

And, just when I thought the day could get no better, I read about the Life in the UK test...

Apparently, the sort of information that you need to know in order to be deemed fit to live in the UK is as follows (and I've taken this from the website!):

What and when are the Patron Saints' Days of the four countries of the UK?
What type of constitution does the UK have?
What are the powers of the devolved administrations?
What are quangos and non-departmental public bodies?
How is education different in Northern Ireland, Scotland and Wales?
Who can offer information on occupational or personal pensions?
What documents must a child have before they can work?

Now, if you know all the answers to those off the top of your head then I'm almost impressed. But I'm betting that the average man or woman who has spent most of their adult life in the UK will struggle to answer almost all of those questions. Apparently, you're not fitting into UK life and culture if you don't know this stuff...

Never mind that my wife works in Higher Education, has a Bachelor's in Linguistics and knows considerably more about how to use the English language than I do - it is obviously far more important that she knows about the powers of the devolved administrations and what documents children need before they can work...

Enough is enough...

2007-02-20T09:48:00.000-08:00

Right near the start of the blog I decided to take off the comment moderation but, after coming back to my blog after a few days away to find a veritable feast of advertising for items such as steroids, teen sex movies and viagra, I've realised that I'm going to have to turn the moderation back on...

What does this mean for you if you want to leave a comment for me? Well, probably that it will take a day or two until I get around to checking out and approving (or deleting, if you're a spam merchant) your comment...

Sorry I've had to change things but there's only so many of these things I can take!

Job No. 76 - Resident Sex Therapist

2007-02-05T23:30:00.000-08:00

While taking an idle wander through the Guardian jobs site this morning, I happened upon a role which intrigued me. And while I was sure it may prove to be hard work, I was certain that I could rise to the occasion as a Resident Sex Therapist at the Academy of Sex and Relationships in London...

As well as running workshops based on various exhibits (details of exactly what exhibits were rather vague) I would be tasked with creating touring exhibits. This led me to consider suggesting some form of sexual performance on a tandem – not only a vitally interesting touring exhibit but also extremely environmentally friendly). Additionally, I would have to be ‘on hand’ as a resident Sexpert to assist staff in engaging with the public (although, I have to say, I think this is taking the idea of staff development a little too far).

The chief requirements mentioned in the advert were that the candidate needs to be ‘dynamic, energetic and charming’ – three characteristics which I’m certain I can manage to fake during the course of an interview. I could turn up in a hurried fashion wearing a business suit (dynamic), tell the interviewer she’s wearing a smashing blouse (charming) before peeling off said business suit to reveal lycra shorts and vest and jogging out of the interview room (energetic). A plan that surely has success written all over it.

The person specification asked that candidates have a degree in the field but I’m certain that having studied the first year of an Economics degree should more than enough qualify me for the position. In my application letter I made sure that my overwhelming enthusiasm and creative thinking shone through:

Dear Roddy

I wish to apply for the position of Resident Sex Therapist, as advertised on the Guardian jobs site and have attached my CV for your consideration.

I am dynamic, energetic and charming and feel that I am fully capable of demonstrating these characteristics within an interview environment. However, I also have a huge enthusiasm for the job and possess a wide variety of creative ideas that I believe could catapult the Academy to the very forefront of sexual therapy.

Certainly I feel there is considerable potential for touring exhibitions – perhaps a series of outdoor demonstrations to fire both public and media interest? I would be happy to discuss my ideas with you in more detail and look forward to hearing from you soon…

Regards

Oliver Davies.

I’m certain that the Academy of Sex and Relationships will be quick to get me onboard once they see the quality of my ideas and, perhaps, this summer you can look out for a cycling sextravaganza coming to an A-road near you…

Poetry update...

2007-01-28T08:37:00.000-08:00

As regular readers will be aware, way back in October, I entered a poetry competition - which resulted in me being sent a rather splendid letter from poetry.com telling me that my poem had so impressed the judges that I had made it through to the semi-finals of the competition and that I could have my poem published in an anthology of poetry (for only a small sum). Well, obviously I was excited but - being a little short in the cash department - I was unable to take them up on their kind offer (or, indeed, take advantage of their kind offer of a multi-volume order discount)...

Then, on the 2nd of November, poetry.com realised they needed to up the ante as I received the following email:

Over the past several months, we have been reviewing the thousands of poems submitted to us, as well as examining the poetic accomplishments of people whose poetry has appeared on the Internet and in various editions released by other poetry publishers in

America

and Europe. After an exhaustive examination of this poetic artistry, The International Library of Poetry is pleased to inform you that you have been nominated for inclusion in THE INTERNATIONAL WHO'S WHO IN POETRY.

Congratulations on your accomplishment, Oliver. This is an extraordinary honor. The International Who's Who in Poetry will be among the finest quality and most interesting books we have ever produced, and poets from several nations around the world will be featured. Each poem published will be exhibited on a page by itself. Every aspect and design of this anthology will display an uncompromising level of craftsmanship and attention to detail. This coffee-table quality book will be printed in two colors on fine milled paper, and it will feature a highly detailed, ornate cover and quality typography throughout. It will make a handsome addition to any library, a treasured family keepsake, or a highly valued personal gift.
Obviously I was elated with this news - a ringing endorsement of my poetic credentials - but, again, they needed a small amount of money from me - $49.95 for the book, $19 for postage and handling and a (nominal) fee of $25 to prepare and print my artist's profile. It was such a wonderful offer but I just couldn't quite bring myself to shell out all that money (even for such a finely crafted anthology) and so I resigned to not hearing from poetry.com again...

And was therefore surprised when, on 27th December, I received a further email from poetry.com that was so exciting that I almost collapsed in shock. Thankfully I was sitting down when I opened the email:

Dear Oliver,

The Editors of The International Library of Poetry were thrilled to inform you that your poem was bestowed the prestigious Editor's Choice Award because of your artistic accomplishments and unique perspective--characteristics found in the most noteworthy poetic works. To further commemorate this prestigious achievement we have elected you to receive the 2006 Editor's Choice Published Poet Ribbon Award Pin.

This stunning pin proudly displays your elevated status in our poetic community. Since only an elite group of published poets were selected to receive this special honor, imagine the sense of pride you will feel when others see you wearing the 2006 Editor's Choice Published Poet Ribbon Award Pin. What an impressive way to show off your status as an honored poet for the year 2006!

As you can see from the picture above, the pin in question is clearly an exquisite work of art and - were it not for the $19.95 plus $5 shipping - would be extremely tempting to any would be poet. Since receiving the email, many have been the times that I've reflected on the sense of pride I would have felt when others saw me wearing it. Oh well, I guess it just wasn't to be...

And then, just when I had resigned myself to the fact that poetry.com was only interested in me for my money, I received a (frankly stunning) email from them on the 13th January which surely demonstrates that they are interested in me - first and foremost - as a poet and artist:

It's something we don't often do, but after reading and discussing your poetry, the Editorial Advisory Board of the International Library of Poetry has nominated you for membership in the most exciting poetry organization in the world--the International Society of Poets!

The Editorial Advisory Board wholeheartedly agrees that your poetic writings warrant nomination into the International Society of Poets--a poetry organization that is world-renowned and dedicated to recognizing poetic talent such as yours. As Chairman, I want to personally inform you about all the new benefits of Membership, and I did not want you to miss out on this opportunity. Oliver , I know that after hearing what we are about, you will join us as a member of our society--the International Society of Poets!

The excitement was palpable (which is surely the best kind of excitement). I am so glad that the quality of my poetry is due to be recognised within my own lifetime. Now, I just need to find $149 for my annual membership fee and I can join my poetic brethren...

Hmmm...

2007-01-19T13:10:00.000-08:00

Well, it's been an interesting couple of days for the blog...

The previous highest number of visitors in one day was way back when on September 19th when the blog was featured on the Guardian's newsblog and 1,200 of them turned up...

However, these last couple of days have seen over 3,000 visitors a day, which may not be much for a mega blog but - for me - is quite impressive. However, I must confess, it has made me feel slightly guilty about not doing applications on a more frequent basis.

Although, not so guilty that I'm going to go back to doing an application every day because I'm just too busy. Really. It's not just an excuse for laziness (trust me, I know them all)...

Update type thingy...

2007-01-18T03:56:00.000-08:00

Bit of news to share with you all...

Firstly, the blog was chosen to Website of the Day on yesterday's Steve Wright show (which was nice) and this inspired me to get off my bottom and finally post job no. 75...

Secondly, an American company got in touch to ask if they could include two of my blog entries (Jobs 51 and 52) in an anthology of the best creative non-fiction to be published later this year. So look for me in hardback sometime over the summer!

Well, with all that news shared I feel a strong desire for a big mug of tea (and perhaps a biscuit or two). I'll try and make sure I post at least one job a month from now on...honest!

Job No. 75 - Friends Organiser

2007-01-18T03:51:00.000-08:00

Well, with the pressures of academia currently restricting my job hunting, I have decided to try and restrain my applications to an altogether more reasonable monthly basis for the time being…

However, when a friend of mine on MySpace pointed me in the direction of Cardiff Council and their urgent requirement for a ‘Friends Organiser’, I felt compelled to offer them my assistance in their time of need…

The job description wasn’t entirely clear on how many friends I would need to organise or, indeed, exactly what organisational methodologies they were hoping to see put to use in the role. Organising one’s friends on the basis of age and gender is quite a simple task (certainly no more than a part-time role) so I think that, in order to justify one’s position, it is important to find new ways to sort out your acquaintances. I feel it is vital that any system to organise friends allows one to rapidly distinguish, for example, between those friends who are afraid of mustard and those who enjoy collecting lint. In my application form I wanted to demonstrate some of these innovative ideas:

I believe I could bring a strong organisational background to the position and, with recent experience of statistical analysis, I am capable of utilising a range of organisational methods.

Since gender and demographic based filtering is very much old hat, I would recommend (subject to available data) alternate filtering schemes such as physical dimensions, entertainment preferences, dietary requirements and political persuasion. This would enable rapid structuring into manageable sub-groupings.

I am certain that Cardiff Council will be tremendously impressed by my ideas and, if selected for interview, I intend to use this time as an opportunity to explain just how my organisational system would allow you to efficiently sort out your lanky, abseiling, steak loving Socialist friends from your dumpy, painter, brussels sprout eating Liberal Democrat friends…

Happy New Year (slightly belated)!!!

2007-01-14T11:52:00.000-08:00

Just a quick update to let you know how things are going...

Very busy with my MA at the moment - just completed my first major assignment (went a bit overboard and did 18,000 words - sure the tutor will love me for that) and I'm busy working on all the various bits and bobs for the next couple of assignments. Enjoying it immensely but do feel a tad guilty that I've not managed to add to my job count for a while...

However, I can promise that there will be an update later on tomorrow. Try and contain your excitement. No, please do...

Job No. 74 - Exposures Coordinator

2006-11-28T06:44:00.000-08:00

While I still have plenty of University work to keep me busy, I received an email this morning that sent me the details of a currently vacant position in Manchester - Exposures Coordinator working for Cornerhouse...

It was the sort of job opportunity I felt was too good to miss out and so, putting aside my work on Client and User Centred Solutions for a few minutes, I flexed my writing muscles and dug out my slightly dusty CV (which I immediately updated to include 'Currently studying an MA in Creative Digital Media').

Random flashing has long since been the bane of the North West but, it appears that the International Centre for Contemporary Visual Arts and Film has been hardest hit - the problem isn't so much the public nudity as the fact that said nudity is sporadic at best; indeed, it's quite possible for Manchester to go for a few days without any exposing occurring, only for three exposures to then take place within the space of an hour. Frankly, this kind of behaviour just isn't helpful to the local aesthetics...

The job only involves two days per week work - I'm not sure whether one gets to choose which days (and must schedule exposures around them) or whether one's working schedule is simply a slave to public nudity. However, I do have some interesting thoughts on how to improve coordination while also, in keeping with the ethos of Cornerhouse, inspire the wider public to interact:

Utilising modern technology. I intend to use email to organise exposures and perhaps even borrow from the 'flash mob' culture and introduce the concept of 'flash flashing'
Screening of exposure candidates. This is after all the 21st century - there are certain aesthetic standards which one must strive to uphold. Chiselled torsos, perky breasts and honed physiques are in - flabby bellies, wrinkly bottoms and varicose veins are right out. Those who fall into the latter category will be encouraged to take part in 'at-home exposure' nights...
Provision of heating units. It can get rather nippy in Manchester as the nights draw in and this, surely, must have a negative effect on people's willingness to get involved; thus I'd ensure large heating units were erected to offer a more welcoming environment for those wishing to shed their clothing.

In my application statement, I was asked to 'sell yourself as the best person for the job' - which is exactly what I did:

I believe, with my extensive media-focused project management experience, I could assist greatly as an Exposures Coordinator.

I think Cornerhouse needs to firmly grasp opportunities offered by modern communication technologies and look into ways in which levels of involvement could be improved by adoption of new and innovative systems.

I also feel that a degree of filtering of candidates will serve to very much improve the quality of offerings in the long-term and assist in further raising the level of prestige associated with the event.

I'm sure that my extensive experience, forthright views and innovative ideas will help me stand out from the crowd and, maybe, my time at University will be cut short as I'm whisked away to Manchester to ensure people can strip off with no fear of scheduling confusion...

Important Blog Announcement

2006-11-16T11:30:00.000-08:00

Well, I'm afraid things are going to be changing a little around here...

As you may know, as well as applying for unsuitable jobs, I've been applying for some suitable jobs as well - but, I've had absolutely no luck, no least because the highest qualification I possess are A-levels. So, when I was offered the opportunity to join a one year MA course at the University of Teesside, I jumped at the chance. Of course, I'm not entirely sure how I'm going to afford it but I'll just have to find a way because - with a proper qualification - it should be possible to get the lecturing position I'd really like.

So, where does this leave the blog, I hear you ask?

Don't worry, I'm not going to abandon my quest - but I'm afraid that, because I'm joining the MA course six weeks late, I'm going to be pretty snowed under with course work for a bit (until I catch up). So, I'm not going to be able to post a blog every day for a while, the updates will be a little bit more sporadic.

I hope you'll understand the reasoning behind my decision and that you've enjoyed the last 73 days of unsuitable jobs...

Job No. 73 - Head of Service

2006-11-15T13:25:00.000-08:00

One of the great mysteries in science is a huge gravitational anomaly that lies in the direction of the Hydra and Centaurus constellations; scientists are unsure exactly what it is but it seems to be pulling vast swathes of the known Universe towards it - they've nicknamed it The Great Attractor.

In much the same way, tonight I found that my job seeking efforts were pulled inexplicably towards Lincolnshire. I'm not sure whether (like one of the theories about the cause of The Great Attractor) it could have been dark matter or whether it was just simply a cosmic coincidence but, either way, I had a hard time deciding between tonight's two vacancies...

The position of Head of Service - Provision Planning for Lincolnshire County Council sounded quite tempting; working with Children's Services I'd get to be in charge of provisions - which I hoped would be organising food for picnics rather than deciding the content of school dinners, which frankly is not a fun job - you end up with irate Jamie Oliver on one side, telling you to make the dinners healthy, and irate parents on the other side telling you to give them chips (or, failing that, simply shoving them through the school bars).

However, I found a second Head of Service position with Lincolnshire County Council that held even more interest for me - Head of Service - Strengthening Families Services.

As an occasional gym goer (usually when my willpower wins out over my common sense) and a keen amateur nutritionist, I feel that I am well placed to offer families tips on bodybuilding and weightlifting. Obviously Lincolnshire County Council is hoping to combat the rising threat of morbid obesity by funding a programme designed to boost the physical fitness of the inhabitants of Lincolnshire...

The old methods of just telling people to exercise are now out-of-date but I have a raft of new and innovative ideas - from the installation of televisions that are powered by exercise bikes (you want to watch Eastenders? You've got to pedal for it!) through to the complimentary dispensation of anabolic steroids and boosting community spirits by engaging neighbours in tug-of-war matches across the garden fence. I made sure I detailed this in my application statement when asked what I would bring to the role:

I believe that I could bring a great many innovative ideas to this position in order to help the Council achieve its targets. The standard intervention model is really a thing of the past and I feel that new approaches need to be taken to meet the goals of the program. I think that rewarded development can be part of the solution, as can external inputs, although to truly engage with families we need to develop links between communities - which will serve to both foster relationships and strengthen families.

I'm fairly confident about this one - I'm preparing some exercise plans even as we speak so I'll be ready to impress them with my gym session ideas at the interview...

Job No. 72 - Sustainability Manager

2006-11-14T12:54:00.000-08:00

Today, feeling quite a bit better than I did yesterday (after a comprehensive treatment of Earl Grey tea and Apple & Blackberry pie), I found locating a job considerably less taxing...

I was listening to John Humphrys the other day on Radio 5, talking about his new book on grammar, and he was rather concerned about the standard of modern teachers. Noting that he knew of an English teacher who had written on a pupil's essay "you could of written this more neatly" he suggested all was not well in the world of teaching. Now, it would be all too easy to dismiss his worries about standards as the ramblings of a grumpy old man were it not for the fact that recent reports suggest that 79% of science teachers can't adequately explain gravity, 54% of English teachers struggle to define a split infinitive, 27% of maths teachers avoid talking about algebraic equations and 93% of metalwork teachers are unable to dress themselves (without considerable assistance).

However, it would appear that educational authorities are rather concerned about this issue themselves - as can be seen by their attempt to recruit a Tutor in Teacher Education.

I imagine that the job would involving giving out remedial lessons to teachers to bring their standards up to the minimum level and then being available to help out in difficult situations - for example, when a pupil asks a question that deviates from the list of facts the teacher has memorised for that particular subject. However, I finally decided against applying as I felt it could be an altogether too frustrating assignment...

Consequently, I have decided this evening to apply to be a Sustainability Manager for the North East Assembly.

In its own words, the North East Assembly is:

"...the regional planning body with statutory responsibility for planning, transport and housing at the regional level..."

Which sounds a rather vague sort of organisation to me - I imagine lots of money being funnelled away into ever stranger projects - but I don't really mind as they're prepared to pay a salary of upto £40,000 per year...

Reading between the lines of the job description, I could tell that they were looking to recruit a Sustainability Manager in order to plot a means by which the North East can become entirely self sufficient, withdraw from the United Kingdom and establish itself as an independent, democratic republic. It is possible that their computer generated predictions suggest that the exporting of Stottie Cake could allow them to build up a considerable trade surplus.

I had a hard time squeezing too many of my ideas into the limitations of the application form but still managed to suggest the conversion of St. James' Park into arable land (although some would argue their football this season has already been rather agricultural!), the rebuilding of Hadrian's Wall (to establish a necessary security cordon to the North) and the need for intensive investment into Stottie Cake production sites and infrastructure...

I'm sure that the North East Assembly will recognise the brilliance of my thinking and will soon be signing me up to help them map out the future of the North East as a sovereign nation state.

Job No. 71 - Director of Information Security

2006-11-13T16:22:00.000-08:00

Today was one of those days where the world of suitable jobs greatly impinged upon my ability to carry out any work on my unsuitable job applications - hence the reason why I'm writing this so late and why, in all likelihood, by the time I actually manage to post it, it will be after midnight! Not only that but I'm also feeling a little under the weather...however, ever determined to complete my quest, I have battled through a strong desire to simply go to sleep and taken a brief tour of the various recruitment sites...

I feel there is little explanation needed for why I felt the position of Retail Sleep Counselor with Mattress Discounters to be particularly appropriate at this moment in time, save to say that I feel exceptionally well placed to promote the benefits of slumber right now. Mattress Discounters claim to be:

"...the pioneer of the specialty sleep shop."

Now, I'm not totally sure what a specialty sleep shop is but it sounds a great place - if they had one around here, I can just imagine nipping in for a brief lie down and nap before heading off to buy the groceries at Tesco - but I'm afraid that being surrounded by beds all day in the workplace would likely prove too much of a temptation for me and I'd end up sleeping on the job...

So, instead, this evening I have decided to apply to be a Director of Information Security; a job that surely can't be as easy as it sounds since it pays £100,000 a year. Frankly, for £100k a year, I'd memorise the documents for them and then shred, burn and bury the originals...

In my application letter I let them know that, not only do I have a professional attitude but also, I have a number of ideas on improving the standard of information security.

Dear Sir/Madam

I wish to apply for the position of Director of Information Security, as advertised on the Times website, and have attached a recent resume for your consideration.

Quite aside from a strong technical background and experience of leading and managing development teams, I also have many ideas on how to improve security. For example, adopting a 'terrorist cell' mentality and compartmentalising knowledge at every turn can only be a good thing. In addition, I would recommend random stop and searches of employees (preferably involving sodium pentothal and/or a degree of physical coercion) and also bend the rules on privacy in order to protect company assets.

I trust you will give my application serious consideration and look forwarding to hearing from you soon...

Regards

Oliver.

I'll save my ideas on employee torture for the interview - after all, I want to play some of my cards close to my chest...

Week 10 - Update

2006-11-13T01:41:00.000-08:00

Well, this morning marks two highly impressive blog-related milestones...

Firstly, this is now the 10th week anniversary of the blog - ten weeks ago today I'd not yet had the idea to apply for 100 unsuitable jobs (the eureka moment was still a few hours away). Oh how things have changed, eh? Well, actually not an awful lot - after all, I still have no job and no money! And, as for the second milestone, well - as luck would have it - this is my one hundredth posting on the blog. See, I told you you'd be impressed!

I felt as if I should celebrate somewhat (perhaps a cup of tea and a fudge cookie?) and decided that I would let you in on my newly-created Amazon wish list (packed with hi-tech, high priced goodies) in case there are any benevolent millionaire types reading who feel like spoiling me. May I also remind said benevolent millionaire types that my birthday is now only just over a month away and that joint 100th blog posting/birthday presents are acceptable...

In other news, there's going to be another article on my blog in the local newspaper - although, unlike the last one, I've not had any input into this one so I'm a little worried as to how I'll be portrayed. The last article made me sound quite nice, whereas it's entirely possible this new one could make me sound like a complete raving lunatic (and there's little I hate more than when the press tells the truth!).

Finally, in job news, I'm afraid the Irish Cricket Union has turned down my application to be their National Cricket Coach. Well, all I can say is, if they don't win the next Cricket World Cup, I hope they don't come crying to me, begging me to solve their problems. I'm sorry Ireland, you've had your chance!

Job No. 70 - Top Gun Conference Planner

2006-11-12T14:00:00.000-08:00

This evening I discovered an interesting vacancy on the Guardian jobs website that appeared to offer a lot to a creative individual like myself - Prison Exit Officer.

Now perhaps this is a symptom of the huge changes that have occurred within the prison system, or even of the raft of human rights legislation that has been drafted over the course of the last decade, but it would appear that not only can the modern prisoner expect to have access to playstations, get paid to play scrabble and eat three course meals but also they no longer even have to suffer the stress of planning their own escape attempts...

Back in the (good) old days, prisoners would have to rely upon their own ingenuity in order to effect an escape - creating moulds of keys from an old bar of soap, constructing ropes from twisted sheets and sketching maps of the prison sewer system inside bibles - but in the 21st century, this type of freethinking is discouraged. This is due, in part, to health and safety rules; there is a concern that a prisoner who, while making a key mould from a bar of soap, slips on said soap and injures himself could sue the prison service for extensive compensation. Thus, it is far safer for prisons to have a member of staff on hand that can organise escapes by the safest means possible - preferably by simply signing off on paperwork that says they've been rehabilitated and are ready to rejoin the community...

And so, when it dawned upon me that my plans of re-enacting scenes from Colditz were destined to come to naught, I realised that I should turn my attention to something else - more specifically - to the idea of applying to be a Top Gun Conference Planner for Wolters Luwer Health.

I'm not entirely sure why a medical information service wants to plan a conference for the US Navy Fighter Weapons School but, I'm certain it's something I could handle. I imagine, quite apart from the complex scheduling of flights, a great deal of care has to be taken to hire the right sized room as, with so many huge egos in one place, things could get a little cramped (and that's not even counting my own!). Catering is also a vital aspect since it is well known in military circles that the US Navy Fighter Weapons School refuse to eat anything other than salmon & cucumber sandwiches (with the crusts removed), pickled onions and sponge cake...

The job application asked for candidates to possess extensive experience in a range of Microsoft software (which, strangely enough, I have) but, rather worryingly, did also require candidates to possess a - frankly - phenomenal level of manual dexterity:

"...who can juggle and keep 15 balls in the air..."

I have to admit - I can't juggle at all (apart from that fake juggling thing where you throw one ball while passing a second between hands while the first is in the air) and I can't believe that any amount of practise is going to get me to that level of competence (indeed, the world record for juggling doesn't even approach this standard!). Consequently, in my application letter, I asked that they find it in their hearts to overlook my failings in this area:

Dear Sir/Madam

I wish to apply for the position of Top Gun Conference Planner and have attached a recent version of my resume for your consideration.

I have extensive experience of project and conference management, am familiar with a broad range of industry standard software, possess excellent communication skills and can prioritise my own work and set, and achieve, deadlines.

My levels of manual dexterity are a little below the standards you may be hoping for but I would like to think my strengths in other areas will compensate for this particular shortcoming. However, it is an area I am committed to practising and improving upon...

I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Regards

Oliver.

Hopefully they'll be in touch with me soon so I can help organise their Top Gun conference, or indeed any kind of military air force get-togethers...

Job No. 69 - Workforce Transformation Manager

2006-11-11T12:33:00.000-08:00

In the modern business world, while it may be acceptable for managers to make the mundane decisions, when it comes to the more vital and important decisions, blue chip companies will more than likely call in outside help to steer them in the right direction...

In the 21st century, management consultants are considered to be a little too 1990s and a new trend has emerged that sees industry basing its decisions on the use of psychics and crystal balls - at least, that is what I assumed when I saw an advertisement for an Oracle Consultant.

I envisaged sitting there in a darkened room, perhaps dressed in some kind of shawl, while the leading lights of British business take it in turns to come in and cross my palm with silver (or just simply left a big fat suitcase full of money). In return, I'd peer into my crystal ball or maybe do a bit of hydromancy (or both for only 50% more!) and tell them what lay ahead for them in the future. I'm certain this kind of random decision making is likely to be more successful than the managerial blundering we usually associate with many British companies...

However, despite the salary being perfectly adequate, my head was today turned by another vacancy - Workforce Transformation Manager.

My head filled with images of Trinny and Susannah, I imagined a job where I would be able to work cosmetic miracles and improve the aesthetics of the British workforce. And, while transforming the looks of office workers was interesting, I was more intrigued by the idea of taking a public workforce - for example, the police, and then working to make them happier with their visual appearance...

The standard British police uniform is remarkably dull; for an example, see this picture - in which we can see two police officers, with the officer on the left particularly ill at ease with his fashion sense. I feel that we could transform the police force by outfitting them in some pastel shades that will make them look a little less formal and perhaps replacing the police helmet (which is so 1800s) with a jaunty cap worn at an angle. And then there's the whole accessories problem - I mean, handcuffs? Batons? Maybe alright if you're going to an S&M do, but darling, not for the High Street - instead I think the police should be looking at high waisted metallic belts, Balenciaga sunglasses and Karl Lagerfeld's Chanel bag for 2007...

Ideally we'd want to get someone like Jean-Paul Gaultier in to completely reinvent their whole look but, with police funding the way it is, we'd probably be lucky if the finances stretched to new socks from Primark.

And so, with my application posted, I am now flicking through a copy of Vogue magazine - making sure I'm up-to-date with the latest developments in the fashion world and ready to transform workforces at a moment's notice...

Job No. 68 - Branding Manager

2006-11-10T15:41:00.000-08:00

By the time I came to hunt for jobs today, I was more than a little peckish - indeed, I'd go so far as to say that I was in fact rabidly hungry - so it came as little surprise to me that almost all of the first batch of jobs I found this evening seemed to centre on food. And, while I could resist the idea of being a chef (having already applied to be a Head Chef), I found it much more difficult when I saw that Dunkin Donuts were looking for a Donut Finisher...

Now, I've finished my fair share (and possibly a couple of other people's fair shares) of donuts in my time and, while currently only of amateur status, I felt sure that I could take the step up to the big league and turn professional. I assume that, at the end of the working day, Dunkin Donuts prefer to have someone to finish off any of the remaining donuts that are hanging around...

However, my appetite for the position faded somewhat when I realised that Dunkin Donuts weren't just keen on me polishing off the superfluous donuts at the end of the day - oh no! It seems they want someone to finish a broad range of baked products, as the job description promised that role would include:

"Finishing donuts, baking muffins, bagels, croissants, cookies..."

Now, while it all sounds very attractive, I began to question just what would be the effect of eating such a large amount of sweet bakery goods each and every day. And, the answer appears to be that I'd get fat. Not just podgy, not just pleasantly plump, but seriously obese - thigh rubbing, several bellied, obese - and having been really good about my weight for a couple of years now, I decided it would probably be best to avoid temptation and look elsewhere...

Which led me to discover a position that illustrates just how divisive the current software industry can be. It seems that some companies are not content with just keeping a beady eye on new employees, but instead are making moves to permanently mark them so that rival employers are aware of their affiliation - evidenced by the position of Branding Manager for Microsoft.

Branding has been commonplace in the cattle industry since the Middle Ages and was generally used as a means of identifying who owns a particular piece of cattle; which allowed cattle to be released to graze on the free range. Microsoft, ever keen to learn from the lessons of history, are obviously intent upon utilising a similar method in order to allow their employees to travel to business conferences and tradeshows while remaining easily identifiable when it comes time to round them up. After all, in much the same way that most cows look pretty much alike, IT staff tend to share broad similarities and a decent branding can often be the only means of distinguishing between, for example, two database programmers...

However, I was a little surprised that Microsoft - proud bearers of the flag of technological innovation - were so keen on the traditional 'hot iron' approach to cattle - sorry, staff - identification when more modern (and less painful) methods such as RFID chips are widely available. I can only surmise that either Microsoft are intent on being as tight fisted as possible or that they are complete and utter sadists (although, there are some who, having used their software, would argue that they are most likely both).

Having submitted my resume, I'm certain I'll stoke their interest and they'll soon mark me as a hot prospect for this position...

Minor Update - TFM Interview

2006-11-10T00:15:00.000-08:00

This week I have been considerably more efficient than normal and have managed to sort out yesterday's TFM interview already. So, if you missed it yesterday and would like to hear how I got on (I ditched last week's pre-interview preparation and reverted to a 100% off-the-cuff approach again!) then you can do so by going here: http://www.solsbury-hill.co.uk/tfminterview9.mp3

Job No. 67 - Satellite Technician

2006-11-09T03:42:00.000-08:00

Maybe it was because the radio was playing 'Intergalactic' by the Beastie Boys, but today I was inspired to look to the stars for my job application and so, while touring the Simply Hired recruitment site, I was delighted to find that Northern Trust were advertising for a particularly exciting position - Non-Resident Alien Tax Manager...

The job description asked that you possess "knowledge of the non-resident tax areas" and I felt that my grounding in astronomy could serve me well here, at least in getting my up to speed but I was a little wary as these sort of areas tend to be quite complex. I imagine that taxation for aliens throws up a number of thorny issues - for example, are they exempt from paying VAT as non-residents? And are they able to claim a fuel allowance when on official business (such as abducting people)?

And, just I was beginning to think that maybe this wasn't the right job for me I thought about the clientele - imagine having to tell him that he hadn't filed his annual accounts in a proper and timely fashion?

So, leaving aliens and their taxes behind, I saw a vacancy on Career Builder for a Satellite Technician. Now, when I think of spaceflight I have to admit that I tend to think of Cape Canaveral in Florida rather than Boise in Idaho, but this particular position with Star West Satellite demonstrates that interstellar industry is obviously branching out...

I was a little disappointed at the quality of the wage ($9-$15 per hour) considering that the job requires you to 'install satellites' but I figured that the sheer thrill of journeying into space on a regular basis would serve to compensate for this drawback. The exact mechanics of transport weren't dwelled upon in the job advert so I decided to enquire about this in my application letter:

Hi Chris

I am very much interested in the position of Satellite Technician, as advertised on career builder, and have forwarded you an up-to-date copy of my CV.

I have considerable technical knowledge in the area, although as of this moment it has been of a theoretical nature as I have not had the opportunity to have hands-on experience in the field. Nevertheless, I am confident I could deal with the complexities of the job with minimal training.

One aspect of the job I was interested to know more about was whether the transport was provided by the company or whether you would be expected to make your own way to a job site?

I trust you will give serious consideration to my job application and look forward to hearing from you shortly.

Regards

Oliver.

Hopefully I'll get a positive response from Star West Satellites and, within a couple of weeks, I'll be blasting off to mess around with some satellites; actually, I hear they need the Hubble Telescope fixed - a couple of spanners and a phillips screwdriver and I'm sure I'd have it sorted in no time...

Job No. 66 - Leakage Project Co-ordinator

2006-11-08T13:54:00.000-08:00

Well, after a day where I was unable to post an unsuitable job application because I was dealing with some suitable job possibilities (don't worry, dear reader, they came to nothing!), normal service is very much resumed today! However, I realised that my lack of job posting yesterday means I am now back on schedule since I applied for jobs 2 and 3 on the same day. Therefore, my revised finish date (if I've done my calculations properly) is December 13th...

So, after spending some time scouting for intriguing possibilities on Monster, I found a job that seemed to perfectly suit my indolent tendencies - Key Holder, working for Tuesday Morning Inc.

Now this seemed like it would be a particularly easy job. At 9am you come into work - you pick up the key and hold it; 12pm you put the key down (or pass it to an assistant key holder) so you can go for lunch, before returning at 1pm, fully refreshed and ready to hold the key until 5pm when it's time to clock off and go home. Nothing to it, I thought to myself - until I read the candidate requirements:

"Candidates must...be able to comfortably lift up to 50lbs."

Bloody hell, I thought to myself, that's some key. No wonder they need to hire somebody to hold it full-time; you wouldn't be able to just clip that one on your belt and wander off. Suddenly, the position lost all attractiveness - the idea of lugging a 50lb key (that's probably three foot long) around all day made me feel tired just thinking about it...

So, instead I took the advice of Jo who messaged me on Myspace to give me a heads up on an interesting job she had spotted - Leakage Project Co-ordinator, working in Berkshire...

With billions of gallons of water lost to leakages ever year in the UK, it seems that water suppliers just aren't happy - hence the need to employ a full-time co-ordinator to ensure that more leaks are created. I'm not sure whether they are creating leaks because they can then obtain government funding to repair them or if it's just simply a case that the water suppliers get bored, have nothing to do and nowhere to go and have turned to vandalism as a way out from the drudgery of their own existence. Alternately, it may be that water companies are in the business of sabotaging their rivals networks (in the hope the rival will lose their license and the vandals can move in and take charge). However, regardless of the cause, the job description showed they meant business:

"As a Leakage Project Coordinator it will be your primary function to coordinate the delivery of Leakage lead projects within each region to time, cost and quality requirements."

I envisaged that I'd drive around Berkshire, stopping here and there to unscrew a pipe or (if a major leak is called for) sledgehammer a water main - or perhaps, as a co-ordinator, I'd be able to stay nice and warm in the office and send out my leak causing minions to wreak havoc on the water grid. But, regardless of how my day would be organised, I was sure it would be a lot of fun.

Coincidentally, I recently had a small leak under my kitchen sink and managed to solve this particular problem with a set of spanners, a complete lack of DIY knowledge and several rolls of kitchen towel - I felt sure this was the sort of experience that I needed to detail in my application letter, to let them know that I've worked on similar things before...

Hi Natalie

I wish to apply for the position of Leakage Project Co-ordinator, as advertised on your website, and have attached a recent CV.

I have a strong background in managing complex technical projects and dealing with large budgets. In addition, I believe I could assist in dealing with the leakages and also ensure that they are properly co-ordinated.

I believe I could take the lead in delivering leakage solutions - whether big or small. I have some recent leakage experience, which I dealt with personally in a timely manner with minimal costing to the desired quality.

I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Regards

Oliver.

Hopefully, my email will trickle across the internet to arrive in Natalie's inbox tomorrow morning - and, before long, she's bound to be gushing with enthusiasm about my leakage potential! Now, I did consider creating an extensive final paragraph of water leakage puns (i.e. don't want to sound a drip, she'll be running to show people, etc.) but decided against it as I didn't wish to be seen plumbing such depths...

Suitable Job Update

2006-11-07T06:45:00.000-08:00

Now, normally, I wouldn't mention a suitable job on this blog but, I thought I'd tell you a little story so you can see how frustrating my life can sometimes be...

As you know (if you read my first post!), before I began writing this blog I'd been working in the videogame industry for twelve years as a game designer and producer (the last five of them as a freelancer). So, a week or so before I started my quest to apply for 100 unsuitable jobs, I sent off an application to be a Lecturer in Game Development with a University...

This was a very suitable job, since not only have I worked in the game industry but I've also lectured part-time at the University of Teesside on a couple of their modules (such as game design, game production, etc.). However, today I received a phone call from the University's HR department asking why I'd left the degree section of the application form blank.

"Erm...because I haven't got a degree." I explained. "I left University after my first year to become a game designer..."

Which buggered it, I'm afraid. They liked my application, they said; they were extremely impressed with my game development experience and thought I was a very strong candidate. But the absence of a piece of paper (even a 2.2 would have been ok) means I am removed from the shortlist. Oh well...

It would appear that someone up there is determined to make sure that I see this blog through to the very end.

Job No. 65 - Pet Counselor

2006-11-06T12:15:00.000-08:00

I decided to apply for today's job not because it offered a fantastic salary (it doesn't), nor even because it's based in a fantastic location (although, admittedly, Florida is marginally more fantastic than Ingleby Barwick) but, instead, because I knew that it would allow me to help the needy in their times of trouble. So, really, there was no hesitation when it came to applying to be a Pet Counselor for Petland in Delray Beach...

In 1953, the world was a very different place - TV was still a relatively new media, the era of home computing was decades away and mobile phones were a thing of science fiction; it was a time where job related stress hadn't been invented, where there were no alcoholics (just people who liked a good drink) and where homosexuality was very much still in the closet (and firmly padlocked there, thank you very much). It was a different world, and one where mental problems were frowned upon and quite often ignored. And so it comes as little surprise that, in the unsympathetic climate of 1953, a comprehensive survey carried out by Gallup to determine the state of the nation's pets revealed that only the smallest fraction (4% of dogs, 1.5% of cats) were prepared to admit to any kind of psychological disorder...

But times have changed. The world of 2006 gallops along at a much faster pace and, if you can't keep up, it's all too easy to find yourself falling by the wayside. In these enlightened times, we accept that it's not easy being a domesticated animal and that pets have to deal with the same weaknesses and worries as us humans. And, with stresses and addictions running at an all time high, a return survey in 2005 revealed that almost 80% of pets are now dealing with a mental disorder - with 26% believing they are living with multiple psychological disorders...

The job description mentioned that 'pet knowledge is desired but is not required as training will be given' - although quite why sales experience will be useful, I'm not sure. Perhaps you need to do sales pitches for treatment sessions? I wasn't sure why they were so insistent I be prepared to wear a Petland uniform and carry out cleaning of animal living spaces either. However, not one to quibble over such minor details, I focused on the main job at hand...

As a pet counselor I expect that I'll be dealing with a variety of traumas as I get pets on my couch - anorexic dogs, gender confused rabbits, cats with a crack problem, even sex addicted budgies - but I'm sure I can help them no matter what it is that ails them. Utilising an experimental hybrid approach that encompasses traditional Freudian psychoanalysis and cognitive-behavioural therapy, I'm certain that I can get to the root of their problems and help them reintegrate into society.

All I needed was to be given a chance - so I made sure my application made Petland aware of just how dedicated I was to this particular cause:

Dear Sir/Madam

I wish to apply for the position of Pet Counselor, as advertised on Regional Help Wanted and have attached a recent resume for your consideration.

I am deeply committed to the ideal of being a pet counselor and, aside from possessing a strong retail background I possess a keen interest in a variety of treatments including psychoanalysis and cognitive-behavioural therapy. I believe that I could make a difference to pets and help ensure that they can live lives free of psychological problems and addictions.

I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Regards

Oliver

With my application sent, it is now simply a case of waiting for Petland to ask for my assistance. After all, somewhere out there, a guinea pig with a compulsive disorder needs my help...