100 Days In Bed

noreply@blogger.com (adventure grrl) — Mon, 09 Jul 2012 17:24:00 +0000

noreply@blogger.com (adventure grrl) — Mon, 02 Jul 2012 18:40:00 +0000

TRUTH!

And How Are You...?

noreply@blogger.com (adventure grrl) — Thu, 07 Jun 2012 20:22:00 +0000

I received this sweet message in my in box: "It's quiet here. It's TOO quiet. Do hope all is well & if not, that you are doing what you need to do to take good care of yourself. Come back when you can, you are missed."

Things are good... well, I won't lie, they've actually been tough. One night in February, I was out having margaritas with "The Boy I Asked Out On Craigslist." He had been one of my Adventure Bowl adventures and truly one of the best adventures yet. But he was divorced and reeling from it and I was tired of dating guys who were getting over girls who were jerks. The girls not the boys. Though a guy not being able to get over a jerky girl often made them jerky themselves.

I had recently pulled out of the Adventure Bowl, "Start Going To Therapy" and the therapist had sort of insinuated that perhaps I had been too quick to throw this particular divorced fish back in the pond. So we were having margaritas and talking and laughing and flirting and now I was thinking too, perhaps I had made a mistake.

Only, cute, tall, smart guys, even when they are jerky with jerky exes do not stay single for long. He let me know, though I had released him back out into the dating wild a month ago, he was already seeing someone. For a month.

Then he grabbed me and kissed me, leaving me to feel even more confused than ever.

But there was no time to explore this because at the same time I was making out with this jerk (now a confirmed jerk because he was seeing someone else, yet kissing me) my Dad was being transported by ambulance 3,000 miles away and would spend the next three weeks in intensive care, organs shutting down, desperately fighting for his life.

So that is why I have fallen off the face of the Earth.

And how are you? Please tell me, distract me from myself. I mean it!

That said, it's not like I have not been here before, sick and sad and worried over a sick parent. I'm just getting tired of it, frankly.

However, I have not given up on the Adventure Bowl and it has saved my ass through this especially cruel few months. One adventure especially has changed my life: "Join Crossfit." When you are feeling mentally broken down, there is nothing like pushing yourself way, way, way beyond your physical boundaries.

And finding those boundaries are meant to be broken. I have spent a lot of time, drenched in sweat feeling completely broken on the floor of a gym yet with a smile on my face, shocked by what I can now do, physically.

There's some news regarding my Dad that I can share soon... and I will, I promise. Life lately has made me feel like "broken on the gym floor" is a very familiar place. But I'm definitely seizing strength from it. Getting mentally tough in ways that really surprise me.

This all might sound vague - so I'll put it this way, that Adventure Bowl has saved my ass once again. My Dad getting so sick and nearly dying would have for sure put me to bed for way longer than 100 Days. But a "new" (yet still very imperfect) me has emerged since starting these adventures and I beat back the sadness that threatened to take me down.

Summer is upon us. What adventure will you partake in? What is the thing you are dealing with right now that you most wish you had the strength for? I'd love to know.

And Karen, thank you for the sweet comment that got me to write this post ;)

****

noreply@blogger.com (adventure grrl) — Tue, 31 Jan 2012 06:23:00 +0000

Adventure Bowl Ask A Guy Out On A Date: Dates 1, 2 and 3... :)

noreply@blogger.com (adventure grrl) — Mon, 23 Jan 2012 06:19:00 +0000

Wow. Is this my life? Can you meet a great guy in a major city who is funny, smart, has feelings and is not afraid to feel them. Oh, did I mention cute? Like majorly foxy, and tall. With blue eyes. And cheek bones!

I'm in a serious state of swoon.

Thank you, Adventure Bowl. If you don't know how it all started, how I reached into my Adventure Bowl and pulled out, "Ask A Guy Out on A Date" then go down a few posts and read it all. I thought I would be happy just to go out on a date that night and not be murdered. The fact that I have gone on several MORE dates with someone I like, and like to kiss, is icing on the cake.

Me and my Craigslist List mystery man met at a beer and wine bar near me. I didn't have huge expectations for the night. I don't think I even showered, LOL... beyond showering that morning. I put on makeup, a cute top and perfume but I hadn't felt that "indescribable something" that you want to feel when you see someone's picture in your inbox, so yeah, I didn't want to have all this build up before the date just to be disappointed (if that makes any sense.)

But the second I saw him, shyly peek his head around the corner and meet my glance, I thought, "Oh, shit, I should have showered! He's so cute." And he was. Tall, (6'3), blue eyes, funky glasses, a warm smile. The smile is everything, isn't it? I, of course, was immediately thrown and nervous and spoke a mile a minute about what I knew about the bar and all the different craft beers they had while an inner monologue was running through my head, "Dear God, don't blow it... wow, he smells good. JUST ACT NORMAL!!!!" Smile. "Hi."

He grabbed us some beers and we talked and laughed. And he was funny and sweet and smart and one thing that struck me was he had this beautiful optimism about life and that is something I really want in a person. Soon we were running off to the bar across the street and then the bar across from that. We talked all night long... my time in NYC, his job, his future, he might go back to school, his nieces and nephews, my nephews, my dogs, our dating life.

And then... he brings this up even now, how I reached over and just touched his face. And I don't know what made me do it. I think he was talking about something really personal (he is out of a very long relationship) and he looked a little sad talking about it, how painful it had been for it to end in the way it did and I just think I wanted to comfort him. Something I might not have done had the beer not been flowing but he looked at me, his attention just sort of, took all of me in as if to say, thank you.

I can't explain it.

We kissed but I was conscious of knowing this needs to be taken slow.

So we did.

Our second date was dinner at a nice restaurant. More laughing and talking. Less huge fireworks. Hey, where did all the chemistry go? Perhaps I'm just scared. We kissed goodbye on a street corner and went our separate ways. The next morning, there was an email, he had had so much fun and was looking forward to our next date. Was I available Saturday evening? He already knew the perfect place in mind.

We met there at 6:30pm. At 2:00am we were still talking as the bar closed. Laughing, being silly. Holding hands.

I won't lie. I'm scared. I haven't liked anyone in 3 years. Oh no, maybe 5 years. In this real way. A grown up way.

So there we are. I don't know what will happen. It's sometimes easy and wonderful and other times, I'm quite scared. I don't want to get hurt. I don't have the time! Or the energy! I can't be down again. I can't be let down.

I'm afraid I won't get up.

Yet there are times, too, when all of a sudden, his hand is on my back or his he pulls me in for a hug and I think... just go for it. Stop over analyzing it. Stop trying to break it. Stop trying to end it before it even begins.

So that's where I am. Feeling the reward of taking a crazy chance. Taking an ad out for a man, essentially ordering him up like a pepperoni pizza, LOL, and it being pretty damn great.

I don't know what it will all be. It might just be for right now. Or it might be a lesson in just putting myself out there. But I'll take it.

That's enough for me.

What are you doing to take a chance? It's the new year, you must want to. I swear, if shy ol' me can advertise for a man, you can not only do that, but you can DO ANYTHING you want. What's your adventure? Tell me in the comments!

***

"Snap Out Of It!" Or Shit You DON'T Say To Someone Who Is Depressed

noreply@blogger.com (adventure grrl) — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 19:09:00 +0000

I always read your comments and believe me, they really mean a lot to me. Today an email alert popped up in my Gmail account and I started to STRESS OUT immediately. "Oh God, it's a reader calling me out on my BS... I said I'd have a new post up last week and now it's this week and still... no new post!"

My life, lately, is a Cathy cartoon of "Acks!" (And eating crazy amounts of chocolate and feeling bad about myself in a bathing suit even though it's not bathing suit season, nor is it even close to bathing suit season.)

You feel me?

But I read this sweet commenter's comment because it meant a lot to me that they took the time to write. And then I had to read it again. Because while I was struggling with what I might look like in a bathing suit in six months, they were struggling with something much deeper.

Here's the comment:

ANONYMOUS said...

Hi, I am a guy who has been in bed for 100 days or more depending on who you ask. I wanted to say that your stories do cross the gender boundaries and that reading your posts has been enlightening. It is nice to know that just because you have been depressed for a long time doesn't mean you are a loser, and that I am not the only one languishing in bed for days on end.

People truly do not understand why it is that we do things like not leave the house, or turn down offers to go out in order to lay in bed. "Snap out of it!" has been hurled at me more than once, it is allot harder to "snap out of it" then others may realize. Perhaps this blog can shed some light on the process, and make people understand what it really means to be depressed. Thanx.

January 17, 2012 10:17 AM

I quickly fired back a reply, that I hope makes sense or inspires or offers, at least, a little bit of hope:

Dear Anonymous

Your comment popped up in my email and I wanted to reach out and let you know I am thinking about you. It sucks being depressed. When I was at my darkest times, I did make a deal with myself:

1) Take a shower every day
2) Get some sunshine every day with a five minute walk
3) Write in your journal - which can just be a notebook, just get your feelings out in some way.

I was surprised I started to at least feel a crack of light once I did these things. Other things that might help...

1) Do you have job benefits? If you do, therapy is the best!
2) Is there one friend you can check in with a few times a week, even just for a laugh? Isolating is the worst.
3) I joined an online support group when I was feeling especially alone. It really helped.

You sound as disillusioned as I did but there is the same spirit in you that I had, the desire to get better. Let me know if I can help in any way.

Kayla

I have no idea if what I said will help. I mostly, when I was in my heap on my bed, wanted to know I wasn't alone. I was lucky that I had access to benefits and got myself medicated and in therapy, although to be honest, that did not help me for a long, long time. That said, my depression was pretty God damn severe and was compounded by losing my cousin, job and boyfriend in such a short amount of time and then my Mom getting sick.

What I'm trying to say is, yeah, it takes time and it does take effort. No one who is depressed is ever going to "Snap out of it." That's as ridiculous as standing in front of the mirror and thinking if you wished to be 20 pounds thinner, you could just wish it away. "Drop off! C'mon, I said it, so do it! Drop off."

Ridiculous.

THE GOOD NEWS: You want some good news regarding your depression? Now this is just my opinion but I'll tell you this - I would rather have had a depression THAN not had one.

Yeah, that's right.

Why is that? Well, most people I know are experiencing some low level depression anyway. Maybe they just don't have any energy or they shop or lay on the couch or watch endless amounts of TV to cover it up. Maybe they are having a glass of wine earlier and earlier in the day to not think about how dissatisfied they are with their life. Maybe they don't even know they are dissatisfied, they have gotten so used to this feeling.

A depression punches you in the gut and leaves you writhing on the floor. The ONLY way to get better is to work through it. To ask some really f'ing tough and uncomfortable questions about how you got here. Giving your depression, your dissatisfaction, the time and energy it deserves - WILL GIVE BACK TO YOU 1,000,000 times over!

I promise. I promise. I promise.

Did I miss anything? Is there anything you would like to tell Anonymous, whether cheering him on or giving him advice? Do it in the comments!

*****

noreply@blogger.com (adventure grrl) — Sat, 07 Jan 2012 18:19:00 +0000

Adventure Bowl Ask A Guy Out On A Date

noreply@blogger.com (adventure grrl) — Sun, 18 Dec 2011 01:52:00 +0000

Yes, it sometimes seems as if the blogs have grown more infrequent as life is whipping past me at such a frantic pace. There always seems so much to do. Right now, in so certain order I must: do all my Christmas shopping, find a place to board my dog, fret over how much that is going to cost, get an Ambien for the plane ride home, clean my entire apartment, get my life fully organized and lose 20 pounds. But even in all the stress, I always think of this place as a place of solace and one I've missed very much.

I can feel a lot of things are changing... all for the good. It might be that sense of optimism that comes as a calendar year draws to a close and we can metaphorically feel like we can wipe the slate clean. I always feel like we can start over at any time... but I'm feeling it more so recently. I want to tell you about an adventure I pulled out of the bowl about a month ago... and one, I hope I am not being overdramatic, but I think might change my life...

So the bowl, you know, is filled with tons of adventures, lots of things written on little folded up pieces of paper. I try to pull one a week and force myself out of life's little ruts. It's a way to put a smile on my face as I do something offbeat and unexpected. It was over 6 months ago that I put "Ask A Guy On A Date" in the bowl after I had had some luck with that same adventure in New York City.

So a month ago, I pulled this same adventure. Instead of running around town looking high and low for someone to ask out... getting too shy or too scared to do it -- I did what had worked in NY: I took an ad out on Craigslist.

"Fun Girl Looking For Fun Guy For Happy Hour Drinks" the ad said. It seemed innocent enough. I had no plans that night and was just looking for someone cool, that was up for an adventure. If he was tall... or cute... that was a plus. Smart and funny? Another plus but not insisted upon. It was Craigslist after all, so mostly, I was looking for someone who would not kill me.

I was surprised to receive, in my inbox, the most shocking outpouring of pictures of male genitalia that I have ever seen. Perhaps, as I had put in my ad the last time I had done this, I should have cautioned, "Please do not send me a picture of your penis, as I already know what one looks like."

I was kind of taken aback... this was in the "Women for Men" section... certainly if I was looking for the sort of thing where a picture of someone's naked-osity was a prerequisite, wouldn't I have placed my ad somewhere else???? I pondered this, as I drove to 7-11 for a bottle of screw top wine. Only some cheap Chardonnay was going to take the sting out of this night.

It did. I settled into bed bummed this adventure had not gone the way I had hoped. Then... at 9:45pm, I received an email... from a gentleman... who was fully clothed. He was funny... he wore glasses... so perhaps he was smart, too. His smile was friendly and he used many exclamation points which made me thinking he was either mildly retarded or an optimist... Hmmm....

I certainly was not going out with a stranger after 10pm... and certainly not half in the bag on cheap Chardonnay. I had deleted all the other sinister emails I had gotten but kept coming back to this one. "He can't be normal. There must be something wrong with him. He is kind of cute though. He does have a beautiful smile... No... don't email back. He might murder you."

So I didn't.

Until the next afternoon. Was I really going to stay in tonight (AND EVERY OTHER NIGHT OF MY LIFE, ONLY TO DIE ALONE WITH 100 CATS???????). Or should I take a chance... be adventurous and email this guy?

So I did. I said he seemed fun and cool and since he did the job I used to do, we'd probably have a lot in common... however, since I was quite hungover after a night of consoling myself with cheap white wine after looking at lots of male nut sacks... I wouldn't be able to go out tonight... maybe some other time?

He replied back right away. "Well, my Friday night just got a lot less interesting!" (Again, with the !!!!!). But this time it charmed me... maybe he was... an optimist. Maybe he was a happy person... and being sincere. Those were all good things. And when he said he understood and when he said, "Maybe we'll meet another time," I got scared that maybe we wouldn't.

Because if he was all these good things, then he had as much chance of staying single in a big city as a roast chicken dinner has a chance of not being devoured if I turn my back on my pug for 2.5 seconds.

None.

So I emailed back... well, I was going to sweat out my hangover at the gym and certainly, if I was going to do that, I could go out for one drink. Would he meet in my neighborhood?

Yes, he would!!!! (!!!!)

But you'll have to wait until next time when I tell you the story of a gorgeous, super funny, incredible smart, tall, blue eyed stranger met me out for drinks.

And all about how I have learned a lesson or two in taking chances, being optimistic, the importance of exclamation points and seizing the moment.

I promise... it's a good story ;)

(Jan. 7: Update - TONIGHT ;) Thanks for all your amazing comments! They mean so much to me!)

****

noreply@blogger.com (adventure grrl) — Mon, 31 Oct 2011 01:58:00 +0000

There's a New Post! We Should Celebrate With Champagne in Bed!

noreply@blogger.com (adventure grrl) — Wed, 26 Oct 2011 18:41:00 +0000

First of all, I apologize for my absence. I can explain it all right here: totally new business opportunity I was going to be a part of went bust; needed to return to Los Angeles for work and was terribly sad about that; came back to LA, was terribly sad, ate a lot of Cheetos; started dating someone cute (sexy, hot! gives me girl boners!) and things started to look up; a new work opportunity came about and I sort of got the "life's kick in the pants" sign to just... GET GOING AGAIN.

Does that sound too vague?

The fact is, when I'm feeling overwhelmed or unsure or even a little down, I will tend to disappear. And I did, didn't I? A friend of mine told me she recommended this blog to someone as a giant pick-me-up but her friend told her, "Um, her blog is kind of depressing." LOL! I guess the last 2 entries have been.

I'm not good at faking happy when I'm not. Which actually, you guys have been cool about. Mel, a frequent reader often tells me to be "more real, more raw" -- that I should talk about the down times. Life is hard for all of us. Especially now in this place in history.

But when I'm feeling down, I feel like a failure... I can't explain why. Maybe for not making the most of what I have. Maybe for not being a trooper and just getting on with life. You know, my whole life, I've watched my Mom just pretend to be happy even when she wasn't. With a swish of a good lipstick and a smile she could turn a down day and a dark stormy cloud (in front of us) into, like, Miss America for everyone else.

Not that I blame her. I don't. I am responsible for me. So... I was in a funk. And it was feeling like a G-d damn deep one. Job 1 was to get out of it. I started on some meds which I know lots of people have different feelings about but WOW, I saw a difference in 2 weeks - from despair to... I don't even know how to describe it. Just "goodness."

That made me get out of sweatpants and comb my darn hair. Then more socializing, then off to the gym, then out on dates, then hoping on more creative endeavors, then breaking out the Adventure Bowl (which will be my next post).

I don't know how long I'll stay on these meds. It's just helping me ride out this wave of... I don't even know what... bumpiness of life? Yeah, I guess that's it. I feel more happy, connected to myself and productive. So I'll stick with it for another month or two. To be honest, I really haven't felt this down since my cousin was killed but I did have the where-with-all to know "this is just chemical," I knew it was truly something meds could help with.

I hope that brings you up to speed. About that luscious boy I was speaking about? Well, he's really sweet, really foxy and I like him. Some red flags are jumping up in terms of anything long term but I am trying to tell myself to just SHUT UP and enjoy it. It's just been a few dates, no need to get into my head right now and ruin it.

Does that answer everything? You can ask me anything in the comments and I will answer! I was floored and so happy to receive so many comments on the last post along with emails of support. You guys and gals are the best! :) xoxoxo K

If you leave a comment, make sure to check back in! I will be replying to all of them. Thank you ;)

*****

noreply@blogger.com (adventure grrl) — Mon, 22 Aug 2011 20:29:00 +0000

Today, I Shop Lifted A Banana So I Have Clearly Lost My Mind

noreply@blogger.com (adventure grrl) — Sat, 13 Aug 2011 02:27:00 +0000

I'm here. I'm back. I'm in Los Angeles. My everything is every where.

I arrived home last night, ragged, after Ruby, my pug... well, peed all over herself in her dog bag on the plane, and me, feeling like a rotten mother for having stuffed her in said dog bag, which is a wholly unnatural state, pulled her soaking wet self out and let her sit on my lap.

For two hours.

So I came home, 11pm, reeking of urine but feeling actually, quite victorious as, again, having dog mother guilt and not wanting to make my other dog fly in cargo, I snuck him on the plane. And got away with it. Like a lunatic.

I mean, I had my sister drive me an hour and a half to the airport so I could fly direct but I still had no idea if I was ever, ever going to get away with sneaking my little 11 pound fluff ball on the plane.

Only I did. It's a really long story why it came down to that - a huge terrible mix up that the only way little fluff ball was going to fly is if I stuck him in a cage and he connected through 2 hubs over a period of 12 hours. Sorry, not going to happen. I was willing to risk getting caught and be booted off the plane for this.

I was prepared with lies.

Why would I not put my 2nd carry-on bag in the overhead bin? I couldn't say, "Because it contains a second dog." I'd get booted. Off the plane. So I figured I say...

"It contains my mother's ashes. I need them... on my lap."

OMG. I am ready for someone to do some deep psychoanalysis on that.

I didn't care. It was my sweet innocent dog and I felt bad enough for dragging him on a 6 hour flight - I wasn't about to put him on a 12 hour one.

But it worked out. He's fine, I'm fine, the pug is fine. The urine soaked pants, they will be fine.

My everything is every where.

Seriously, boxes, in my apartment, every where. Some of the girl, who sublet here, her stuff, every where. Weird things are missing, things that are needed can't be found, (towels? pots? pans? where are the cereal bowls? ugh.)

Whatever. She left a half a box of tampons and since my car won't start because it hasn't been drive in 9 months, I find myself eternally grateful to her even if she did hijack my favorite Isaac Mizrahi for Target cereal bowls. (She did leave a bag of marshmallows, which ya know, with the period and all, was kind of nice.)

I need to laugh or I will cry. The thing is, I don't know where I belong. And I hate that. I want answers! I know they are within me or is that just blah blah bad movie writing. What if they aren't in me? What if I just don't know? I know what I want for a career but I do question if it comes at a price of not being happy where I live.

My sister said to me, "Leap and the net will come." Will it? And where am I leaping? I don't even know.

I know some decisions have to be made. But I knew today was not the day to make them. My body is on another time zone. We were all up at 5:00am feeling hung over tired and exhausted.

I stole a banana from the 7-11 because I was frustrated that the line was moving too slow so obviously, I should not be making really important decisions today.

I STOLE A BANANA.

I mean, I'm ready to go to jail for shop lifting a $.69 cent banana so obviously I have hit my lunatic wall and need to clam down and reassess some things before any big decisions are made.

So I stared at the ceiling fan for a long ass time today. My eyes started to well-up and I thought, "I feel as lost as after David died." It wasn't even David dying. Not that alone. It was losing my job and my boyfriend and my Mom getting sick and having to go back home, all in such a short amount of time.

I felt lost.

I feel lost.

I'm armed with the tools now, though. I can journal and I can f'ing go to therapy and I can even get on some good drugs, I can do my adventures but the fact is -- and I'm just going to be honest -- and I am willing to look like a total bitch or even worse, a big fat baby -- but the fact is --

I DON'T WANT TO.

I don't want to.

I don't want to work hard on myself or figure things out or talk to anybody about this or delve into things or feel things or anything.

And that's what freaks me out. Because I do know NOTHING will change if I do nothing.

F-word. (I say F-word to be considerate of those who might not want me to use the F-word, just know, I am feeling the F-word in its entirety and not just its abbreviated polite spelling).

Fuck.

Anyway. That is all I have for you. OH, THERE WILL BE MORE. If you're new and it seems like there are so many more of you, who are, it'll be like starting over with me at the beginning.

F-word.

Here we go again... I guess...

(PS, I set up the alerts so I will be emailed if you comment. Please know, I always, always read your comments and now with the alerts, I'll be able to respond faster. Thank you so much. They always do mean the world to me.)

I Am A Jack Ass

noreply@blogger.com (adventure grrl) — Wed, 03 Aug 2011 15:20:00 +0000

I see people reading here... they do it a lot. And for a long time. You know who you are, you who do not comment. You, young lady or old lady or middle aged lady or you may not even be a lady at all and certainly, I am no lady for ever inferring you might be an old lady or no lady at all... what is wrong with me?

I am a Jack Ass.

I see you, one of you even read for 55 minutes on your Blackberry yesterday. That's love. I think. I'm Catholic, so I am not sure about these things. But I feel it must be love or maybe love. Either way, I'll take it.

I mean, on a BLACKBERRY! That is a very small screen. It must be love.

But you did not comment. Neither did the person who read for 23 minutes, 17 minutes, 47 minutes... certainly the person who had Googled "100 positions in bed" - well, I did not expect them to comment.

But the rest of you, with the no commenting... it must be... because I am a Jack Ass.

Because I have not been writing regularly and therefore, I have squandered your love. Is that it? In the past, there have been many times I see tons and tons of people reading and they will not comment. I often feel it's because a lot of the subject matter has been super personal and maybe it's hard to know what to say.

So I'm dropping in today to say, I love you guys, I love our community. You can tell from my last post that my life is in a flux. In the quietest places of my mind and heart, I know I need to write more. I know I need to re-commit to the Adventures that so throughly saved me and nourished me and gave me hope and strength and pushed me on.

I know I need you (to not think I'm a Jack Ass.) No... scratch that last part.

I just need you.

So I wanted to say hi and I wanted to say to those of you reading, peeping, lurking, liking - to say hi back to me. You don't even have to use your own name. I would love to know what you like about what you've read or don't like... I'd even like you to tell me what to write in my next post.

It's my Thank You to you... you who keep reading here, the story of a girl trying to figure it all out in this mother-loving f'ing confusing crazy complex world... a girl who is trying desperately not to be a Jack Ass, to not let people down... ;)

So... here I am. And Thank You. And I would love to know what is on your mind...

****

noreply@blogger.com (adventure grrl) — Mon, 01 Aug 2011 16:54:00 +0000

I Guess We All Get Sad

noreply@blogger.com (adventure grrl) — Sun, 22 May 2011 00:05:00 +0000

I wrote this late last night... I was feeling particularly vulnerable, freaked out and sad. It takes everything for me to not pull it down today. My older posts were so much more honest and raw but I seemed to get away from that. Perhaps I thought that if I "started my life over" then posts should only be happy - if they weren't then it equalled failure in some way. Maybe I thought I would turn people off or maybe I just did not want to tap into or admit feeling scared. So here it is... I would love to hear your thoughts... even if you want to tell me to grow a pair and my problems aren't a big deal.

Nothing is going well today. Or yesterday or even the day before that.

Just in the last hour I have:

1) Dumped a whole thing of Body Wash on my head thinking it was shampoo

2) Been yelled at by my mom for not having the hair catcher thing-y on the drain because "you know you shed like a dog in that shower!"

3) Also yelled at for using the good towels, the ones with beads, that are there FOR DECORATION and not for ACTUAL DRYING. Who has towels with beads on them? Really? And do you think they were my first choice to use? No, they just seemed like the ONLY choice, what with them HANGING RIGHT OUTSIDE THE SHOWER.

4) My pug licked my only clean pair of underwear so throughly that it is wet in all the spots that I would never want near my body

These are not so terrible things. Maybe they are even funny things. I need to say the funny things because if I don't laugh, I will cry. Oh, look, I am crying.

Life is not going the way that it should and to be honest, I see no end in sight in that matter. I have to go back to LA for work and I do not want to. I do not want to. I don't like LA. I think I may even hate it. To the point that I wonder if perhaps, I did not get yelled at for leaving my hair in my Mom's new shower and using the towels we are only supposed to look at, I might just want to move into their basement and get a job as a greeter where ever one might get a job greeting people.

I would be good at that. Greeting people. Except for all the crying.

What's funny or not that funny or interesting or maybe not even interesting at all, is I came home to my parents' house because I was so overwhelmed with packing up NYC that I needed to get a break but here I am, alone in their basement... bawling my eyes out and wondering... what next?

How did I take for granted how easy life used to be when I loved where I lived and I loved my job? Now I don't have either of those things. If I told you the truth about my dating life it would be that I was afraid that if I really committed to it, that I would find out dating was as horrible as I imagined it would be. In NYC, I found out that was kind of true.

I think I felt unselfconscious in my commitment to throw myself all the way in to dating in NYC. There's just something about being in a new city that makes you feel that way. But Wednesday night... ugh, that was it. When I just said, ENOUGH.

I swear, when he walked into the bar, he looked like he was ten years younger than me. But he showed me ID and it said he wasn't. He smelled vintage-y - like that mixture of someone who maybe doesn't shower enough because they care about Mother Earth mixed in with a guy who shops at thrift stores. But I told myself, "Stop it." Stop being a baby, stop counting people out so soon, just stop.

And that's when I had to hear about the girlfriend he just could not get over. They broke up in 2006.

Sigh.

I tried, you guys. I even gently hinted that talking about the girlfriend was a grade A downer. Okay, I didn't gently hint. I said it, right out loud, "This is a grade A downer. " And it seems he got it. I even had, what I thought was a brilliant idea, to salvage the date --

We run to the bar across the street and start all over again. Drinks on me. Aren't I such a pal? Yeah, it was there that he talked about how he had stayed with that ex-girlfriend through her parents divorce, her brother's death and even EVEN after they had broken up, he was there for her when she needed last minute surgery. Because she is afraid of hospitals. I think it was when he said he "needed closure," after she ended their 4 year relationship via email, that I felt not only my clitorous shrinking and drying up like an old raisin but really, losing the will to live, all together.

These are funny stories. Then why can I not stop crying?

Life is hard. And heart breaking. I know that. I just thought, literally a year ago, when I found out my cousin had brain cancer and in that moment, I just knew, KNEW, I did not want to live in LA another minute or work in the entertainment business another minute - I thought it was all suppose to get better from there.

Isn't that what happens in the movies? Big revelation! Life changing! And she's off to NYC with everything packed in one suitcase! Like some sort of Carrie Bradshaw with love handles and a front butt.

But it hasn't been good. I mean, it's been semi-good. It's been good enough that I do not want to leave. That is for sure. And that's why I feel like this huge sadness in going. My life feels out of my control. I have to go where the work is, to be able to pay for things and take care of myself and if you want to know the truth I RESENT THE HELL OUT OF IT.

Ugh! I'm not going to lie. I wish I had someone with me to go through this with. And when I go on these dates, I swear, they make me feel so hopeless that I ever will. And I think that's what's really making me sad... because life has never been easy and I still have the will to move and fortitude to change and reinvent myself and get another job and figure it all out...

But the other stuff -- it just seems so far beyond my control.

Yes, I felt overwhelmed packing up NYC and there was some work stuff that made me so stressed out, I couldn't even sleep but really, that date the other night really did me in. Not just him... just what it symbolized. Just how much more of that I can take. And yet, I have to, don't I? If I want the reward of what a relationship is supposed to bring.

Part of me feels like I am cramming for a test the night before the SATs. So not worried was I, in my twenties about dating and guys and relationships and did I think they just fell from the sky and into the laps of my girlfriends -- that I just did, well, nothing. Maybe that's why I'm so exhausted. The cramming. Three bad dates in a week for weeks on end will do that.

So this is my life. It's not really pretty. But it does feel good being honest.

(P.S. I just read my post from a month ago and yes, I do see the irony in me declaring that despite all these horrible dates, I am not discouraged by them. That did make me laugh.)

***

Adventure Bowl Guide for New Readers * How it Began & How it Works

noreply@blogger.com (adventure grrl) — Sun, 24 Apr 2011 19:07:00 +0000

Dear BlogHer readers - I have marked below in PURPLE where the blog picks up from where you read it on BlogHer.

A friend recently sent me a link to BlogHer and asked me why I don't write some blog posts there. I thought it was a sweet suggestion. She felt that many, many women have moments of their life where they go through depression and maybe they might find my experience of overcoming it (though I am always aware it might come back), helpful.

I wasn't sure which one of my blog posts to post on BlogHer - maybe I thought if I started at the beginning, the cause of my depression - which started on the day I found out my cousin was murdered. It was then compounded because within a matter of months I lost my job as a comedy writer, ended my relationship with my boyfriend and my Mom went through such a long illness (er, um... nervous breakdown after my cousin's trial) that readers might think my life was... hmmm, what's the expression...

"A colossal bummer."

So I started my first blog on BlogHer with an Adventure Bowl story that glossed over my depression and went right to the fun part (I'm such a good Catholic like that). I talked of how I finally decided that laying in bed, day after day, was just not working for me. I didn't mention that at the time, I was rounding the 2 year anniversary of my cousin's death and thought it would be a really crappy way to honor his memory by being stuck in bed, the covers pulled over me, a bag of Doritos for lunch... you know, just like yesterday, the day before that and all the days before that.

So I decided I would take action. Everyone had been telling me to read, "Eat Pray Love" and I did. It INFURIATED me. How was THAT book supposed to help ME? I could barely shower myself or make even a bowl of cereal for myself - how was I going to travel three countries for a year. Um... and with what money???

But I did respect the author's desire to take action. Okay, I could "take action," too. I did want out of this depression and I wanted out BADLY. I had already lost so much. "Okay, take action... I'll do it."

BlogHer readers - The Post picks up here!

I would put, in a bowl, which I named the Adventure Bowl, all the fun things I wanted to do. It started with 20 suggestions and I could ad as many as I wanted, whenever I wanted. The only rule, pick one a week - and no backing down, no excuses. At first, I started off small - get a pedicure. Go for a picnic in the park, eat a cupcake like I'm a little kid again (pure joy!), go to a fancy hotel and walk the grounds.

Basically, I was going to "Eat Pray Love" within a ten mile radius of my house and for under ten dollars.

I started to find the old me on these little adventures. Find my smile. Feel... happy. I started to get more daring in what I would ad to the bowl - go paddle boarding, save up and go for a massage, test drive a Porsche, crash a fancy hotel pool.

It was these more daring adventures that boosted my confidence and helped me conquer fears. When you start doing that, it carries over into other aspects of your life: soon after (many months) I lost twenty pounds, I landed a dream job (I became persistent because I was ready to go after what I wanted - another great aspect of these adventures). Additionally, I was becoming more social and I found myself standing up for myself more.

I still do the Adventure Bowl each week. My favorite one so far? Going jet skiing with one of my best friends and my sister. I conquered a few fears - the ocean and the idea of losing control. My sister swore I would be too scared to go fast on the jet ski but it was she who was begging for mercy when I was ripping through the water, and she who was clinging for her life to me :)

I was shocked by how many women on BlogHer read the post. I know that going through a depression, for me, a situational depression, and working hard to overcome it, would resonate with a lot of women - I get so many amazing comments here and in the blog's email.

But when I saw today, that over 800 women has read that post, I was shocked. But thrilled, too. And many of those readers have come here - many reading this blog for over 2 hours at a time.

I just want to say thank you. It really means a lot to me. I like the thought that maybe it makes someone reading this blog, going through a hard time - feel less alone. A single mom wrote me, she just wanted to get under the covers. She's scared if she does, she may never come out. I know what that feels like.

While she enjoyed reading my story and thought the Adventure Bowl sounded awesome, she felt like I did when I read "Eat Pray Love" - who has the time or money for this?

That's why I wrote today's post. To clarify how I started off doing "adventures" that no other person, except one going through a depression, would consider an adventure. If you are not getting out of bed because you are depressed, going for a pedicure, going to lay under a tree with a good book IS AN ADVENTURE.

Start off slow. The only goal in the beginning is to get out of the house. To put a smile on your face. To remember the old you. And to work slowly and gently to getting back to her.

I also explained that giving yourself these little adventures would give back to her family 100 fold. Never feel guilty about taking time for yourself when ultimately, a happier more joyful you, makes your family happier, too.

I hope many of you will try an Adventure Bowl for your self. I'd love to hear about what Adventures you would add to your bowl. Also, if you have any questions, please let me know. I would LOVE to answer them. Thanks for stopping by :)

Welcome All New BlogHer Readers :)

noreply@blogger.com (adventure grrl) — Fri, 22 Apr 2011 22:12:00 +0000

I am so happy you've found me! Feel free to subscribe if you want to know when a new blog post is up. And I would LOVE for you to click on our Facebook badge and join our merry group of Adventurers!

So glad you're here!

"Life is either a great adventure or nothing." Helen Keller

Adventures in Dating The New York City Edition

noreply@blogger.com (adventure grrl) — Sun, 17 Apr 2011 19:12:00 +0000

When I was dating in Los Angeles, there were challenges. The biggest was me, in that, between going through a really sad break-up, losing my job, a death in the family, a depression, my mom being sick, I really did not care about dating. AT ALL.

It became so far back on the back burner, it wasn't even on the burner. In fact, I'm trying to rack my brain for someone I've even really liked in the last year or so and I'm not coming up with really, well, anyone.

(Sorry, if I dated you... I really am. I am sure you were wonderful, charming, smelled nice and pulled out the chair but I can't quite remember your face... or name... again, sorry.)

I think around the time that I had surgery on my shoulder last year that things started to really come into focus, how I would want to live my life, what was missing and how could I make it better that I really started to think being in love or at the very least dating or at the very least, a drunken make-out would definitely make my life infinitely better.

Another prompting was my aunt saying that she imagined me to remain single much like an elderly friend of hers that never married. Wait? What? Just because I had not been married off and pregnant like most of my cousins and friends in my small town by twenty-five, I was now destined to be a sad sack spinster?

Great.

In New York, I started to notice that well, I was getting noticed more. Maybe it was the beaming smile I seem to posses at all times, with everything seeming so new and wonderful. Maybe it was because you can actually be curvy in NY vs. LA and it's not seen as a big deal. Maybe it was just that I was more ready.

I put up an ad on a dating website and when contacted by a guy, instead of wringing my hands over, "Is he the right guy for me?," I decided to approach dating as merely a new way to see a city I didn't know very well and get to know someone who might become, at the very least, a good friend.

I had no idea what I was in for.

Here's a highlight reel of some of the dates I've been on:

1) The Wrestler: The wrestler let me know after about two beers that he um... really wanted to wrestle me. I thought he was kidding. He was not. Did I know any grappling moves? Um, no. I soon learned this was his fetish... to wrestle girls. I would soon learn that this little quirk would be NOTHING compared to someone else I was about to meet.

2) The I Have A Live In Girlfriend: He was a lawyer and I thought, too clean cut for me but I forced myself to give it a chance. We had lots of flirty emails so I was excited that there was chemistry there. A plus, he showed up in a suit - not too shabby. By drink #1, he wanted to know if I was okay that he was "attached." To what, I asked? Oh, attached to his live in girlfriend that he knows is the The One and it's only a matter of time before they get married? Yeah, I was not okay with that. At all.

3) The Bigly Made: You'll think I'm kidding but this guy sent me an email that so put my jaw on the floor that I sent it around to each one of my girlfriends. A cute guy "winked" at me on a dating website, I introduced myself and he promptly wrote back. Seemed promising enough, until I read the email. He wanted me to know that he and his last girlfriend had a wild sex life and unless I thought I could keep up with lots of vigorous sex with someone that was "bigly made" (right? I don't have to define that for you, do I, ladies?) then, I probably was NOT the woman for him.

Oh, also, he does not believe in condoms because it cuts down on the sensation by 50%. Good to know. Andddddddd delete.

4) The He's Just A Jiggalo: This guy I was crazy about. Butterflies. Not someone I felt immediately attracted to in pictures but within five minutes of conversation, I thought, "He. Is. Amazing." He was charasmatic, thoughtful, interesting - everything. There was something so "Aw, shucks," about him that was more cute than sexy but that's what I want. Meaning, there isn't a lot of innocence to guys in NYC, you have a feeling they have seen and done it all. So there was a sweetness to this guy that really, really appealed to me.

But I ended up finding out (and it would be such a long story to repeat), that this guy, regularly took ads out on places like Craigslist looking for bored and lonely housewives. You know... for sexual intercourse. I did not believe it when I found out. There was no way. It was the opposite of everything I saw in him... until, I saw the ad myself. (If five or more of you leave me comments that you want the full story, I'll give it!)

It really, really shook me up on a lot of levels: Was I that naive? Was I that attention starved that I couldn't even see when I was being bullshitted to such a supreme degree? Was he some kind of prostitute? It was f'ing crazy.

He never called me after our great date and it left me really, really sad. So I guess one upshot to finding this all out was, ya know, I'm not really looking to date hustlers and con men that might give me The Herpes. So, he was a little easier to get over.

5) The I Have One Hundred And Fifty Dollars For An Hour Of Fun: Yes, this happened. I was propositioned like a prostitute. Which I howled with laughter after I received the email. His name was Gary and he was tall with dark hair and blue eyes. He even sent me a photo of him on a boat, an American flag waving in the background. It was like he stepped out of a J. Crew catalogue.

We agreed to meet and he sent me this email, "I can give you $150 for an hour of fun. Nothing weird." I wrote back, "I'm not a prostitute, Gary! But thanks for the compliment." He wrote back, "I know you're not. I thought this way, it would be mutually beneficial." I had no idea what he was talking about. Wouldn't the mutually beneficial part be that we both had fun on the date?

WHAT WAS GOING ON? What is wrong with these people???? I said, of course, absolutely no. Which made him even more determined and he has emailed me, no less than 34 more times over this past month. Just yesterday he emailed me again. Okay, he could go up to $200 an hour. Again, nothing weird. DELETE!

6) The Halitosis Hottie: self explanatory. I will admit to one thing: he was so hot, and I was so "kissed starved" that I invited him back to my place and told him I had a weird "tooth brushing fetish" and would only make out with him if he used my tooth brush and brushed his teeth. He never called me again.

7) The Whole Foods Fetish: This guy let me know he found Whole Foods arousing, especially the hot food stations. I blacked out after that.

There's more. But why not spread it over some more posts?! The funny thing is, none of this has discouraged me at all. (You have to remember, I'm giving you the worst of the worst here over the course of six months)

I will say, I do believe, you get what you pay for and all these dates came from a free dating website. On a date with a really sweet guy last weekend, he confessed he saw this particular dating site as "more of a hook-up site than a dating site."

Noted. Time to upgrade.

Okay, which one of these dates would have you running for the hills? And anyone want to challenge me on a date you've had that was worse than any of these? I'd love to hear it!

***

Adventure Bowl Take a Surfing Lesson, Part 2

noreply@blogger.com (adventure grrl) — Mon, 14 Mar 2011 16:12:00 +0000

When we last left off, I had fear swirling all around me about this adventure. It's funny how that happens... fears creep up behind us and quickly zap all the joy and excitement we were initially feeling about an experience.

My lesson was for 3pm that day and the fear starting building that morning. A lot of it stemmed from risking the loss of safety. When I was 19, I panicked in the ocean and had to be dragged in by my best friend. This was a feeling I NEVER experienced my whole life. I was a certified life guard, grew up by the ocean. Since that time, I have had 2 or 3 other big panic attacks in water over my head.

But there was more to it than that. More to the fear. Every since I fell and broken/dislocated my shoulder, it's very hard for me to give up control. To think about putting myself in a situation that I cannot control. It's hard to explain - it's two pronged really - 1) Fear of hurting myself or putting myself in danger where I cannot control the outcome and 2) The fact that my body is still weak in the shoulder area post surgery makes me hard for me to rely on my strength for things.

Another factor was just ego. Was I willing to look like a fool? Knowing I had less strength to work with, how would I feel about not being able to pop up on the board? Or swim against the tide with the weight of a board under me?

I don't know why I feel shame about my own strength. Even thinking about it makes me cry. I hate that this accident has held me back in so many ways and has taken so long to get over. The past few months, I have pushed myself to take gym classes that push me -- but it's embarrassing to not have the upper arm strength to do a push up (granted, they are push ups with our legs suspended in air - it's a crazy class).

I guess I feel... it's hard for me to be vulnerable in my own weakness. I hate explaining: Hey, I might look like a fool doing this, please don't make fun of me. I just can't physically do some stuff.

I don't want to be less than. So then I wonder, WHY AM I PUTTING MYSELF IN THIS POSITION??? Why am I even doing this stupid adventure if it's just going to make me feel bad?

Then the reprieve: My great aunt called. The one who lost her husband recently. Would I come over for lunch and spend time with my ailing grandmother. Why, yes! Yes I would! It was 1pm. This just might be the perfect thing to get me out of my surf lesson. And I'd come out smelling like a rose - giving up my big time fun surfing adventure to spend time with the ill and the elderly? What a good person I was!

Off I went to lunch with my great aunt and grandmother.

And I was shocked by how what I saw there... would completely change me...

My grandmother is failing in her health. That much I knew. But I was surprised when I arrived at the elderly care facility that she stays in, that she could not walk unassisted. And I don't mean just a hand on her elbow to guide her, I mean, she needs two people nearly taking on all her weight to get her from the couch to her bed.

And even with this help, all she can talk about it how afraid she is. She doesn't want to walk. She can't do it. She looks lonely and isolated. My mother's take on it is that the more my grandmother has let the fear creep into her that she will fall and hurt herself, the less she has walked, the more muscle mass she has lost, the weaker she has become.

Our minds, they play tricks.

Watching her - and I realize this might be a very selfish reaction - but all I could think about was how grateful I am, to have my arms and my legs. To be able to move, to be able to get better - to be able to surf though I might not be able to do it well.

I started to feel, almost a panic feeling, that's just how badly I wanted to get out of there and get on a surf board, as if doing that would wash away all the "ungratitude" I had for the use of my body.

I was late for my lesson. To them, it was as easy as just rescheduling. To me, I had to do it, THAT DAY. Today, right, now, I had to get up on that board. I thought if I started to explain why, it would all come out so crazily, I might even cry. I left and called a friend. I knew he had the gear and could get me in the water.

And soon, there we were, out there. And I was right about a few things. Yes, my injury got in the way. My right arm does not have the strength to paddle me out very far - it just does not have it's full rotation yet. So turning myself around and paddling faster than a wave in order to get me up - THAT WAS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.

But instead of making me feel bad... it made me laugh. Maybe it was giddiness... yeah, I'm not strong enough to do this NOW but I can get stronger. I have all of that in my reach. I just have to work harder for it.

The other stuff, the other fears and insecurities fell away... no, it was not the perfect adventure. It was very IMperfect. Just like me. I flailed and looked silly and felt my weakness but I felt strong of heart. Strong with boldness that I got out there.

And I was really proud of that.

Is there an adventure you would like to do but worry about physical limitations? Or maybe you have a fear you need to overcome. I'd love to hear it. As much as my adventure was "imperfect," it felt really great just to try.

***

noreply@blogger.com (adventure grrl) — Mon, 07 Mar 2011 16:52:00 +0000

My dreams are to help people in a profound way, get over fears that hold me back in life, to be happy, to never be depressed again, to love more openly and with less fear, to see more of the world, to be a really good auntie and to wake up each day with an understanding that I should be living life to the fullest.

(PS Thank you for the lovely comments on the post below. I will continue to post updates. It's quite a story :)

***

Adventure Bowl Learn How To Surf (But... It's Freezing!!!)

noreply@blogger.com (adventure grrl) — Fri, 04 Mar 2011 16:16:00 +0000

But it's Winter! I have thin blood! And I put this Adventure in the Bowl when I lived in perpetually sunny, "freakishly almost 80 degrees every day" L.A. Now I live in New York City! In fact, I can't even find a photo of winter surfing to go with this post!

(Do you see the rampant use of explanation points?! It's BECAUSE I AM IN DISBELIEF/GIDDY/EXCITED/A LITTLE FREAKED OUT/I THINK THIS WILL BE A LIFETIME MEMORY...SO THAT MIGHT BE AWESOME)

HELP!!!!!!!!! LOL!

Well, first rule of Adventure Bowl is "no backing out, no excuses" so stay tuned for how I am going to figure out how to take surf lessons in the freezing cold!

What am I getting myself into?!

UPDATE #1 (Friday afternoon)

I found a place to winter surf! Time to plan the road trip!

UPDATE #2 (Saturday early afternoon)

So here I am in New England with not only a free place to stay but a friend who will drive me and my pups back to New York City. I am a lucky, lucky girl.

The only problem is, I am scared, really scared to do this adventure. Here are some of the things I'm feeling:

1) Since I fell and broke my shoulder I have no upper body strength. What if I can't paddle out? Or pull myself up? Or carry a board for that matter?

2) I have this overwhelming need to be good at what I do. I am not going to be good at this. It's hard for me to be vulnerable in front of someone I don't know (instructor). It's hard for me to be patient or easy on myself.

3) Is this a bad time to mention I have a fear of the ocean? I have spoken about it in many posts. I did great with the jet ski adventure but this is different. I've had to be rescued 3 times that I can remember since I was 19. And I was trained as a life guard and spent my life, up until then, swimming in the ocean.

4) Fear, fear, fear. Lack of control. And yes, I find this very ironic as I just wrote a post about fear.

Sitting with all this...

*****

noreply@blogger.com (adventure grrl) — Wed, 02 Mar 2011 23:45:00 +0000

What's Fear Got To Do With It?

noreply@blogger.com (adventure grrl) — Fri, 25 Feb 2011 05:29:00 +0000

I have started to notice that I have been getting over fears a lot easier than I ever have. It might be because moving to NYC was one of my biggest fears and perhaps, seeing that fear went away once I did the "doing" of moving there - I am coming to a bigger revelation that I have spent a lot of time whipping myself into a negative frenzy and then sitting in a stew of fear - rather than taking chances.

I spend so much time anticipating what will go wrong that I can dismantle a dream, like a bomb, in under :30 seconds or less. Being negative or assuming something won't work means that I don't have to make a move. I can stay happy (not happy) in my inertia.

What I used to do with fear is just push it aside. (And I'm not saying I am completely recovered! I'm just going to talk about what works for me, now.) I would distract myself with TV, going out with friends, the internet, anything -- so I did not have to face fear.

I have always, ALWAYS been a journal writer but when I start to get afraid, I will abandon it. It becomes too scary to face my feelings. Though with the decision to move to NYC, I'm surprised looking back how deeply honest I am with my unhappiness in LA.

I feel like connecting with myself and writing that down made me come face to face with having to make a decision -- I could no longer push the feelings aside and be immobile.

When I got to NYC, I met a girl who worked on the same floor as me. I liked her right away because she embodied my idea of a young, single woman in NYC. Fun, upbeat and funky, she was running her own clothing design business out of her own showroom.

Seeing her so happy, especially being new to a city, I really started to gravitate to her. But it was a month later when I started to see that she was paralyzed by her own fears regarding her business. She had just moved to this new showroom and she now had a tremendous overhead. I found her stopping by my place often or admitting she had wasted hours on the internet.

Fear.

I saw myself.

When the fear engulfs you and soon, you are making bad decisions or no decisions. What I noticed is I became very much in the mode of Mama Bear with her. I often did not know how to fix my own fears or give myself the pep talks I needed.

But what I could not do for myself, I could do for her.

I said I thought she was overwhelmed by the sheer volume of decisions she had to make. What if we started having a weekly meeting and named every goal we wanted to get done for the week, named what day we would hit that goal and then printed the list so we each had it. Then we could check in with each other every day and root each other on.

It worked. When she was too scared to call a manufacturer about taking on making some of her items to free her up to design, I said I would do it for her. She thought it over, "That's okay, I can do it myself." We nudged each other. Had I been doing my creative writing like I said I would -- even though it was for passion and not pay? Yes I did.

Was I contacting all the companies I said I would for freelance work so I could then pay for my passion of writing just for love. Soon, with her encouragement, yes. All of a sudden, it didn't seem so overwhelming. I had three or four goals to hit every day. Breaking down in small pieces how to accomplish something makes it so much more manageable.

Pretty soon, I was determined to have days marked off for creative wring in the City. An adventure. A new coffee shop, a new side of me to explore. T was finally making that call to Beyonce's stylist and took the big meeting with the manufacturer (with me going along for support).

We both can't believe what we have gotten done.

I think the best part is every time she or I are giving the other a pep talk -- it's really the pep talk we would give ourselves. When I am rooting her on, I feel so energized -- if I am trying to get her to believe in herself, why would I do any less for myself?

We are two new friends that now meet every week to set goals for our lives. I think this can work with any facet of life. Two friends outlining a fitness goal, a life goal, a business goal. We are no more than a support team for each other.

But the key has been writing things down - small goals AND follow through. And I promise, if you start doing the follow through, you will say, "That wasn't so bad! Now I'm not so afraid to do the next thing on my list!" And you become stronger and stronger.

I think the other thing that helps me is now I am promising myself that when I feel fear, I will JOURNAL about it. I am reading back on a year ago this time about how happy I am in LA and I wish that I would chuck the fear and move to NYC. Other years, I pushed away from these feelings - last year, the more I named everything I did not like about LA, well, the only course was action.

So maybe you have a goal. Maybe it's a goal that feels like it could be a year away or maybe there is something you could change now. I would say #1 - get a journal, open up your heart, be vulnerable, be honest. Yes, it might make you cry and this will be uncomfortable. But what I found was - I was already unhappy - what was a little discomfort? Especially if it got me to a better place.

In my case it did. (Not that NYC has been without it's challenges, because has it ever!) But reading my old journal entries keeps in perspective, I am much happier now.

So my advice: Name the goal. Start working on a few small things you can do a day to get to that goal. If you are having uncomfortable feelings about this goal, if it is making you feel fearful - start to journal your feelings. This gives fear less power and YOU more power. Enlist a friend for her support - even if her goals are different, it feels great to have a cheerleader. And you will feel great cheering her on, too.

Let me know if I can answer any questions. And I would love to know - what are your fears or if that is too personal, when you have fears, what strategies do you use to get over them?

Girl Power! xoxoxo

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I Am Right Here

noreply@blogger.com (adventure grrl) — Wed, 09 Feb 2011 18:51:00 +0000

UPDATE: Sorry every one! I have been so busy but in a good way! Starting to overcome my fears lead to some great strides this week. I want to tell you all about it and how I did it. I will post soon!)

This picture, it describes it all. Exactly where I am. I want to write a post about getting past your fears to go after something you are afraid of.

Fear. It stops us all.

Two of my good friends and I have been letting fear hold us back. This week - all THREE of us had breakthroughs, threw aside the fear, went for it, got results. So I really want to write about what we did to get it done. Maybe it will help you or a friend of yours.

I have quite a huge deadline tomorrow but I will put up a post tomorrow!

xoxo

PS, to anyone who left me a comment on my last post, THANK YOU so much! I just finished responding to all the comments!

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So Whatever Happened to That Guy I Found On Craigslist?

noreply@blogger.com (adventure grrl) — Thu, 03 Feb 2011 16:21:00 +0000

Okay, so a lot of you asked, “What’s going on with your dating life?” I know there’s a big gap in these entries. In one, I talked about pulling out an adventure one week, the adventure of Asking A Guy Out On A Date. When I just couldn’t quite get the nerve up to do it and time was running out, naturally, I just--

Put an ad up for him on Craigslist. LOL. And it worked. We set a date to go out to a bar near me. We exchanged pictures and I thought he was very cute. I was a wreck getting ready… I mean, I haven’t really done the whole “blind date” thing in a really long time. What do I wear? On the one hand, you want to dress for you and what makes you confident. On the other hand, yeah, I wanna look cute for him, too.

I wore a really fun, colorful t-shirt, a black lace cardigan which dressed it up and wore jeans and way sexy shoes. I can’t tell you how nervous I was waiting for him. It just seemed too good to be true that this would work out in ANY WAY.

Then he walked in, he waved and I was glad he knew it was me right away. A lot of my guy friends talk about how they hate when girls misrepresent themselves in photos. (Um, PS, Guys, we hate when you do that, too.) His hair was longer than his photos, I’m just going to break it down, it was kooky hair but I loved it. Kind of mop top curly. And he had beautiful blue eyes and a nice smile. Tall, I liked that too. Smelled good, more points.

I was super nervous, but the vodka soda with a splash of cranberry was easing that. And when I get buzzed I get very chatty but since he was shy, I think it worked out. There was a peck on the cheek on that date and a lot of hugging. It was very sweet and soon after he asked me out again, and again and again. In fact, we went on six dates.

He spent time at my place playing with the dogs, we took them on long walks and held hands, we ordered dinner in and went out for dinners, too. But my red flag was kind of going up the more we went out. I have this type I always go out with and after one of my last relationships, I swore: never again.

It’s the emotionally distant guy. The ones with secrets, usually around the family, that won’t talk about anything. They want to act like life started the day they met you and go from there. Any “prying” (which is how they see it) into their past, which I think is just normal conversation, the way to get to know someone results in a giant wall being put up.

This concerned me. I had already been concerned that maybe I was latching onto D because I was new in a city and this made it less lonely. That is not a good or fair reason to date someone. But the red flags about this other part really made me put the brakes on the whole thing. I knew I would just become more and more attached and I knew I would be defying a promise I made myself to NOT date guys like this. (I will say, if it sounds like I am being vague, there was one secret he was keeping from me which I figured out and it just put a knot in my stomach that he would not talk about it. But I want to respect his privacy so that’s all I’ll say).

I don’t want to date guys like this because it puts me in my comfort zone. If he’s not sharing, I don’t have to. Then we are never really close. And I can’t get hurt.

So I told him as much as I could without hurting him. I didn’t think he needed to be deeply critiqued after a half a dozen dates. I know what I want but that doesn’t make him a bad person or a person that has to change. I put it all on me. It was hard. I even cried because he’s so sweet. Who wouldn’t want to hang out with a sweet person?

It’s been hard. He had once asked me when my birthday was. And magically, on my birthday, a text came from his out of state area code. (I didn’t know anyone else from here, so it had to be him). It wished me a great birthday. I started to cry. It had been a month since we’d seen each other and he still remembered. No one else had remembered my birthday at that point in the day so it really made me feel special.

I emailed him back about how much it meant to me. I was really missing him but didn’t say so. He emailed back—he was embarrassed because the email wasn’t from him. (I would later found out it was from my cousin who lived in the same state but HAD never called me, never mind remembered my birthday.

Now it was time for me to be embarrassed.

He said some really beautiful things in the email. That he thought I was awesome and so much fun to be around. And the ball was in my court because he would love to see me again.

I wasn’t sure what to do. I wondered if I was just missing “someone” but maybe not D. I didn’t want to hurt someone again. But I said yes, I would like to see him, as friends, like he suggested.

But soon, he never responded to that email. I sent another. He replied. He was getting really busy at work. And oh so busy on the weekends. He wasn’t one to play games. I just imagined the wall was going up again. He didn’t want to get hurt just like it was me before, that didn’t want to get hurt.

So there it is. The lesson though is, I’ll NEVER regret putting that Craigslist ad up and meeting D. It was one of the (pardon the language) ballsy-est things I’ve done. I’ve thought of doing it again, hey maybe I just will. It was nice to laugh with someone, get dressed up for someone and get excited to see them.

Even if it didn’t work out, I was proud of myself for not falling back into old patterns. I know I want more and that I deserve more…

So I’m putting “Ask A Guy Out On A Date” back in the Adventure Bowl. Maybe somewhere near the top so I can pick it really soon!

Also, are there any patterns you're trying to break in dating? Or that you had to break to find the right guy? I'd love to know.

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