101 Fun Jokes Has The Best Funny Jokes On The Net.

Wedding Night

2010-12-15T07:50:00.000-08:00

A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth  be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.

      On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.

      He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.

'My darring,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten. I promise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting juss anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.

She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try someting I have hear about from odda girls... Numbaa 69.'

More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually , in a puzzled tone he asks her...

'You want.... Garlic Chicken wif snow peas?'

Blonde paint job

2010-12-09T07:12:00.001-08:00

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

Farting All The Time

2010-12-09T07:10:00.001-08:00

Doctor, "What seems to be the problem?"

Patient, "Doc, I've got the farts. I mean I fart all the time,"

The Doctor nods, "Hmm."

Patient, "My farts do not stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I fart all the time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted five times. You didn't hear them and you don't smell them, do you?"
"Hmm," says the Doctor,

He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.

The patient is thrilled "Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?"

"No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test."

Smartest Man in the World

2010-12-09T07:08:00.001-08:00

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble.

In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.

Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining.

The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.

The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live."

He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.

The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."

The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack."

Just Readin'

2010-12-08T10:50:00.000-08:00

A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota.

The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read.

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take

a short nap.

Although she isn't familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat.

She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book.

Along comes the game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside her and says,

"Good morning, Ma'am, what are you doing?"

"Reading my book," she replies, thinking isn't that obvious?

"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.

"But officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?"

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with rape," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you do have all the equipment."

Doctor's Visit.

2010-12-08T10:40:00.000-08:00

A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.

"Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor.

"You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.

"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific.

"The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled,

"Owe, that hurts."

Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too."

Then she touched her right earlobe, "Owe, even THAT hurts", she cried.

The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis;

"You have a broken finger''.

Blonde Boating

2010-12-08T10:36:00.000-08:00

A blonde was driving down an old country road when she spots a blonde in a wheat field rowing a boat. She pulls over to the side of the road and stops the car. Staring in disbelief she stands at the side of the road to watch the woman for a while. When she could not stand it any more she called out to the blonde in the field.

"Why are you rowing a boat in the middle of the field?"

The blonde in the field stops rowing and responds,

"Because it is an ocean of wheat."

The blonde standing on the side of the road is furious. She yells at the blonde in the field. "It is blondes like you that give the rest of us a bad name."

The blonde in the field just shrugged her shoulders and began rowing again.

The blonde on the side of the road was beside herself and shook her fist at the blonde in the field then yelled,
"If I could swim I would come out there and kick your ass."

Hospital Stay

2010-12-08T10:34:00.000-08:00

A man was brought to Mercy Hospital, and went in for coronary surgery. The operation went well, and as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy waiting by his bed. "Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," the nun said while patting his hand. "We do have to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?" "No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely. "Can you pay in cash?" "I'm afraid I can't, Sister." "Do you have any close relatives, then?" "Just my sister in New Mexico," replied, "but she's a spinster nun." "Nuns are not spinsters, Mr. Smith," the nun replied. "They are married to God." "Okay," the man said with a smile,
"then bill my brother-in-law."

Dear Santa

2010-12-08T10:31:00.001-08:00

A small Boy wrote to Santa Claus," send me a brother."

Santa wrote back, "SEND ME YOUR MOTHER."

Definition Please..

2010-12-08T10:30:00.000-08:00

What is the definition of Mistress?

Someone between the Mister and Mattress.

Husband Asks..

2010-12-08T10:28:00.001-08:00

Husband asks, "Do you know the meaning of WIFE??

"Without Information Fighting Everytime"

Wife replies, "No, It means, "With Idiot For Ever" !"

My Children

2010-12-08T10:27:00.000-08:00

A woman asks man who is travelling with six children,

"Are all these kids yours?"

The man replies, "No, I work in a condom factory and these

are customer complaints".

What's The Difference?

2010-12-08T10:26:00.000-08:00

What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?

Stress is when wife is pregnant,

Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant,

and Panic is when both are pregnant.

Love Those Kid's

2010-12-08T10:24:00.000-08:00

A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.

Mom" he asked, "are these my brains?"

"Not yet," she replied.

Human Obsessions

2010-12-08T06:44:00.000-08:00

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapysession with four young Mothers and their small children. 'You all have obsessions,' he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.'

He turned to the second Mom,
Ann: 'Your obsession is with money.
Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'

He turned to the third Mom,
Joyce: 'Your obsession is alcohol.
This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, 'Come on, Dick, we're leaving. Your brothers Peter and Willy are waiting for us.'

THE FACTS OF LIFE

2010-12-08T06:36:00.001-08:00

Boy: Dad, what's politics?

Dad: Let me set an example with our family. I have all the money so we'll call me the management. Mom receives most of it so we'll call her the government. We'll call the maid the working class, you are the people, and your baby brother is the future. Do you understand now son?

Boy: I still don't understand dad.

Dad: Think about it for a while son.

That night the boy wakes up because his baby brother is crying. He goes in and finds out he's soiled his diapers. He goes to tell his mom but she's asleep he goes in to the maids room but she's in there having sex with his dad. He bangs on the door but no one can here him.

The next day...

Son: Dad I understand politics now.

Dad: Good, explain it to me in your own words son.

Son: The management is screwing the working class while the government's fast asleep. The people are being ignored and the future is full of SHIT!

CLINTON'S BIGGEST BILL

2010-12-08T06:35:00.000-08:00

President Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval Office to see one of

his aides nervously approach him.

"What is it?" exclaims the President.

"It's the Abortion Bill, Mr. President - what do you want to do about it?"

"Just go ahead and pay it."

A Love Story

2010-12-07T08:05:00.001-08:00

A man and a woman who had never met before, but were

both married to other people, found themselves assigned

to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing

a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly...

he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the

woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would

you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a

second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight,

let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Get your own f***ing blanket."

After a moment of silence, he farted.

The Silent Treatment

2010-12-07T08:03:00.000-08:00

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were

giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day,

he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,

"Please wake me at 5:00 AM ”. He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and

he had missed hisflight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't

wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM . Wake up."

HUSBAND VS WIFE

2010-12-07T08:01:00.000-08:00

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them

wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,

the husband asked sarcastically,

"Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws

Politics

2010-12-07T07:59:00.000-08:00

The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate to have to

make a living under the laws they've passed.

A little Help

2010-12-07T07:57:00.000-08:00

Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Home Depot

when they collide.

The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife,

and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too.

I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other.

What does your wife look like? The young guy says,

"Well, she is 27 yrs. old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big

boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts. What does your wife look like?"

The old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."

Gotta love The Smarts of these Italians.......

2010-12-07T07:55:00.000-08:00

you gotta love these Italian entrepreneurs!!!!!

Three contractors . . . one from Italy , another from Australia and the

third from Vietnam are bidding to repair the Parliament House fence. They go

with a Parliamentary official to examine the fence.

The Australian contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring,

then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says. "I figure the job

will run $900 . . . $400 for materials, $400 for labor and $100 profit for

me."

The Vietnamese contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says,

"I can do this job for $700 . . . $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and

$100 profit for me."

The Italian contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the

official and whispers: "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other

guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

"Easy," the Italian explains, "$1,000 for you, $1,000 for me and we hire the

guy from Vietnam to do the work." Bada Bing!!!

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly Side of Life

2010-12-07T07:54:00.000-08:00

1. Good: Your wife is pregnant.

Bad: it's triplets.

Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.

2. Good: Your wife's not talking to you.

Bad: She wants a divorce.

Ugly: She's a lawyer.

3. Good: Your youngest son is finally maturing.

Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.

Ugly: So are you.

4. Good: Your wife and you agree, no more kids.

Bad: Your wife can't find her birth control pills.

Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them.

5. Good: Your oldest son understands fashion.

Bad: He's a cross-dresser.

Ugly: He looks better than your wife.

6. Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your 10 year old daughter.

Bad: She keeps interrupting.

Ugly: With corrections.

7. Good: Your son is dating someone new.

Bad: It's another man.

Ugly: He's your best friend.

8. Good: Your 15 year old daughter got a new job

Bad: As a hooker.

Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients.

Very Ugly: She makes more money than you do.

That's My Wife

2010-12-07T07:52:00.000-08:00

A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me.

Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact,

she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy.

What do you think I should do?"

"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me,

exactly where is Larry's bar?"