101 Ways to Love Your Job

I Just Know I'm Meant to Be More Than THIS!

2012-01-23T11:05:00.000-08:00

"I don't know what I want to do as a career, I just know I'm meant to be more than this!"

I hear this often when I counsel people around career choice. In fact, I am hard-pressed to think of more than five examples, both personally and professionally, where someone has declared that they have truly found their life work. And when asked HOW someone determines what they are to do with this burning desire---to contribute to the larger good---my answer is always the same:

You are doing it. Right here and right now.

This is, of course, a very disappointing answer. The need to find our life work is a common subject in magazines, blogs, TV talk shows and countless books ("What Color is My Parachute?" anyone?). This striving and checking and seeking and consulting----always with the same question in mind, "Is THIS it?" is really the only problem from where I'm sitting.

Do you find yourself wondering the following on a regular basis?:

-What can I do to make the world a better place?
-How can I share what I have learned in my life with others as a job?
-How can I find a job where I like everyone I work with and everything I am asked to do?
-What if I retire and realize I never really found my calling?

These questions stem from the wrong source, in my opinion. The very asking of these questions is the problem. We seem to be saying, "I want to give my best to a position...but with THESE people??? Doing THIS???" It's like we asked for our highest calling to be answered, and when we were given the circumstances to achieve it, we said, "But this isn't good enough for ME."

I am in the right job, I am following my passion, I am paid for my 'bliss', and here's what I know to be true based on my own career and after coaching hundreds of clients:

-You make the world a better place, by becoming a compassionate and kind resource in every interaction, or as often as you can, no matter who is in front of you.

-You share what you've learned in life by living it, by being an example, not by conducting a seminar or giving people unsolicited advice.

-You will never, ever find a job where you like everyone or everything you do. This holds true for everything...not just work!

-Your only calling is to leave someone better off than you found them. To use them as both your own mirror (when they rub you the wrong way); and to lead by example no matter who is watching.

You are in the right job. No mistakes. No wrong choices. There is no 'better things to come'. You are where you are supposed to be, because that's where you are. Your life work is to make life easier for others. Your life work is to do your own inner-work, to be as clear and receptive to others as humanly possible, and bring THAT into every interaction (whether you are on the clock or not). Your life work is getting up after reading this article, and walking over to the next cube, and saying something that will make that person's burden lighter.

Right now. Stop reading. Start walking over to that cube. Get to work.

See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

The Dynamic Duo: Anger and Stress

2012-01-11T05:25:00.000-08:00

Anger is perhaps the one and only reason you are reading this blog, seeking answers to your work stress. Anger is so damaging and so hard to contain that when it occurs it can feel like an entity or a current from out of nowhere. After it subsides, we often are left scratching our heads asking ourselves, "What was THAT about?"

Well, to begin to answer the question of "What was THAT?" I have done years of work on my own anger. I come from a long line of angry people. And it scared me to be raised in that environment, but that didn't keep me from displaying anger as an adult. In fact, I could really see the USE of anger sometimes. I mean, you WILL get some attention in a customer service situation, correct?

But in time, it became too damaging to my own self-image and my relationships in general. I could no longer reconcile my anger and my values. After years of research and training---in reality crafting an entire career in pursuit of the answer to, "How can I control my anger?"---I have found my answer (and share it in the hope that it will be your answer too).

This answer may or may not work for you. But if you give this answer a chance, I believe you will find what I have found:

It really isn't YOU that is angry.

The biggest problem with anger is the self-judgment and judgment from others after an explosion of anger takes place. We judge ourselves in hopes that this will keep it from happening again. And I say "It" quite intentionally.

Anger can feel like something bigger and stronger than us. It feels out of our control. It comes in no matter what types of resolutions and commitments to change we have made, and does what it has always done, much to our dismay.

So what do we do?

The Pain Body

Eckhart Tolle, author of "A New Earth" doesn't so much speak of anger when he describes something he calls "The Pain Body." Eckhart's work describes an accumulation of pain and hurt and negative emotion---accumulated over many years but never consciously integrated into our bodies---that eventually starts to feel (and act) like an independent entity out of your control.

The Pain Body is usually in play when a repeated reaction to people and problems is well-out of proportion to the situation. It seems to literally take over your mind and body making you say and do things that you know you will regret, but you just can't seem to help yourself. Tolle states that when this dissociative anger is seen through the perception of "It's my pain body" that it starts to dissolve on its own. Anger still happens, but it happens less and less, until ultimately you are responding in the present and no longer reacting to old scripts and patterns.

So what are the details of the Pain Body, and what exactly do we do to stop it? I could continue here with my own interpretation, but the source of this discovery is much better at it than I am. Eckhart and Oprah discuss the pain body in the webcast of his book "The New Earth" in Chapter Five/Webcast Five. I find selecting the closed caption to be very helpful to follow the conversation, by the way. Here is the link:

Watch PAIN BODY Discussion.

If you don't have the time for this webcast, there is a very short video (6:22), that also does the job nicely (Eckhart's voice is the narrator):

Ultimately, you will start to put your conscious attention on the Pain Body---not "your" anger, but this pained entity---and it will happen less and less (not right away, but soon enough after your conscious attention is placed there repeatedly). Hey, if this sounds silly or too far-out, fine. But at least try it. If it doesn't work, you are only right back where you started from: angry.

See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

Awaken....THEN Determine Your Purpose

2011-12-30T07:46:00.000-08:00

So many of you contact me asking, "How do I know this job/career is what I'm meant to do?"

Yes, your contribution to our society is relevant, but the most important thing you can do for our planet is to awaken.

Not just awaken to your life purpose or your life work, but to awaken from the social conditioning and collective confusion we all suffer from. Only then can you make the connection between who you are and what you are meant to contribute.

This series of videos from Oprah and Eckhart Tolle will definitely give you what you need to accomplish that on your own. I sincerely hope you will give it your time. Take it fast, one after the other, or take it super-slow....but watch this series as if your life depends on it. I believe it does.

Watch It Now on Oprah.com
See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

Nothing More Than Feelings

2011-12-16T06:49:00.000-08:00

Emotions are not the enemy. The term "professionalism" has always been about not having, and therefore not showing, emotions (at least not the ones that we find unattractive). And our coworkers FEEL very strongly about this!

Instead of avoiding emotions, try leaning into them. I'm not saying express them---that was the flawed advice of the '70s pop psychologists (who were definitely on the right track). We've all regretted EXPRESSING an emotion in public. Expression and acceptance are not the same thing.

The only way to move through, and end, unwanted emotion is to sit and FEEL THE HECK out of it. Quietly. Alone. Until it's all over. Sound nuts? Try it. You'll see.

According to Michael Brown, author of The Presence Process, "Many of us do not even realize we are living almost exclusively in the mental plane and that our increasing confusion, frustration and sense of hopelessness arise directly from this misplaced reliance."

This obsession with your thoughts (in order to control emotion) ultimately creates boredom. That's because you won't feel the bad feelings and therefore you can't feel the good ones either. You (and I) can be just as resistant to the good feelings because, like anger or sadness, we fear we will lose control if we let in joy or awe without parameters. Being in control via your thoughts creates a nice, safe, consistent, predictable... BORED...person. You can take it. FEEL IT ALL right where you sit. Just let your boredom, worry, sadness, anger, joy, hope, relief...let it all happen in your body.

You can't THINK your way out of emotion. You have to FEEL it. Until it's felt, it will stick around. And let these feelings be okay. It's all just coming and going anyway.

You're only human.

"The only way out is through." ~Carl Jung

See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

The Practice of Tonglen

2011-12-02T06:33:00.000-08:00

What the heck's a Tonglen?

Well, there is no need to know this word (I assume it's sanskrit). It's from a Buddhist teaching, and it must be the original source of several modern works that now tell us to EMBRACE stress and anger and upset, instead of suppressing them or managing them (or numbing them with food, drink, etc).

It would have been nice if the psychological community from about 1970 through today had mentioned this, but instead, we've all been flailing about struggling and causing conflict because we were told to EXPRESS these feelings to get them AWAY from us, instead of sitting and feeling them fully and watching them transform.

So, who's surprised that the Buddhists had it right all along? Certainly not me.

I have two sources for you to read-up on this practice and how to do it. The first is Pema Chodron.

Tonglen reverses the usual logic of avoiding suffering and seeking pleasure...tonglen practice is a method for connecting with suffering —ours and that which is all around us— everywhere we go. It is a method for overcoming fear of suffering and for dissolving the tightness of our heart. Primarily it is a method for awakening the compassion that is inherent in all of us, no matter how cruel or cold we might seem to be.

Go to full article.

The second resource is a page I have personally bookmarked and read regularly. Each time I read this page, I get a better sense of how to implement this practice. It's a good page (from the website Source Point Global Outreach) and I've provided an excerpt and a link here:

In this way of practice, in this way of being, we transform our tendency to close down and shut out life's unpleasant experiences. In accordance with Buddha's First Noble Truth, we acknowledge, touch, and embrace our personal and collective suffering. We do not run away. We do not turn the other way. Touching and understanding suffering is the first step toward true transformation. Rather than avoiding suffering, we develop a more tolerant and compassionate relationship with it. We learn to meet and embrace reality—naked, open, and fearless.

Although the idea of developing a relationship with suffering may sound somewhat morbid, we must remember the teachings of the Second and Third Noble Truths as well: when we touch and embrace suffering, we can finally understand what causes it. When we understand the cause of suffering, we can eliminate it and be liberated. There is an end to suffering, however, we must learn how to meet it in a new way. Tonglen practice can help us accomplish this shift of awareness, this training of the mind.

Go to full article.

And for those who prefer video to reading, here's a quick explanation of how to "do" tonglen:

See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

Meditate in One Minute?

2011-11-28T11:46:00.000-08:00

I found a really cute video that shows you how to meditate in one minute. Ya gotta start somewhere....and disciplining "monkey mind" is definitely Job #1 for creating a peaceful work experience.

From the site:

In One-Moment Meditation: Stillness for People on the Go, Martin Boroson boils down the philosophy of time into a simple form of meditation that you can do anywhere, anytime. It begins with an exercise that takes just one minute per day. With practice, this takes less and less time, until it takes no time at all. Then each and every moment gives you a chance to reduce stress, refresh your mind, and open yourself to new possibilities.

Playful, profound, and above all, practical, One-Moment Meditation teaches you that inner peace is not a distant goal reserved for saints and sages, and it doesn't take a lot of time: it only takes a moment

And here's a one-minute meditation for gratitude:

Gratitude Instructions

See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

The Four Principles of Spirituality

2011-11-14T08:45:00.000-08:00

The Four Principles of Spirituality
(by Anthony Hooper)

India teaches us about the four principles of spirituality.

1st Principle: “Whomever you encounter is the right one”

This means that no one comes into our life by chance. Everyone who is around us, anyone with whom we interact, represents something whether to teach us something or to help us improve a situation.

2nd Principle: “Whatever happened is the only thing that could have happened”

Absolutely nothing of that which we experience could have been any other way. Not even in the least important detail. There is no “if only I had done that differently… Then it would have been different”. No, what happened is the only thing that could have taken place and must have taken place for us to learn a lesson in order to move forward. Every situation in life which we encounter is absolutely perfect, even when it defies our understanding and our ego.

3rd Principle: “Each moment in which something begins is the right moment”

Everything begins at exactly the right moment, neither earlier nor later. When we are ready for it, for that something new in our life, it is there, ready to begin.

The Final Principle: “What is over, is over”

It is that simple. When something in our life ends, it helps our evolution. That is why, enriched by the recent experience, it is better to let go and move on.

This world has billions of people, hundreds of cultures and thousands of lessons to be learned.

So many things can be learned about life if we open our minds to another culture or religion; almost certainly you will find a unique lesson which you can apply to your life.

You don’t have to be a irm believer, instead you can appreciate it for a specific value.

How can we grow if we only feed on what we know?

The world is a big place, we should take a step out of our own backyard every once in a while, don’t you think?

See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

You Are So Selfish

2011-11-11T07:02:00.000-08:00

An unfortunate side effect of living in a society is the confusion around being selfish vs. what is necessary self-care. For most of us, we are taught that they are one in the same. And if I had one wish, it would be for the word "selfish" be banned from everyone's vocabulary.

When we call someone selfish, we are ultimately asking someone to not care for themselves over caring for us. We are, in fact, being incredibly selfish in calling someone selfish.

To say someone is selfish is always a form of manipulation. In calling a person selfish, you hope they will stop doing what they wish to do and do what you want instead. Can you see how selfish that is??

Self-care is really lacking in our culture. We just don't know how to do it. We learn to take care of each other, but no one teaches us how to do it for ourselves. We may know how to handle basic hygiene (bathing, brushing our teeth, going to the doctor), but the really big issues, like handling intense feelings, financial stability, regulating our biological needs through inner-guidance....well...these are mostly foreign concepts. We turn to others, we turn OUTWARD, when these things need attention.

Wouldn't it make sense for me to become obsessed with my own self-care? Wouldn't I ultimately be so fortified and energized that when I do meet you, I can give my very best to you? And should you not need me, my best or otherwise, we can simply meet and take each other as whole and complete people. Without agendas. Without manipulation. Without needing anything from one another.

That's self-sufficiency. That's the ultimate in societal care. Selfish in the pursuit of self-care....is the kindest thing we can do for one another.

See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

The 'Disease to Please' : Self-Created Stress

2011-10-20T06:28:00.000-07:00

Are you trying to fix people?

One of the main stressors in our lives is "the disease to please." This is a condition where we try to fix other people's problems, make them feel better, let them use us as a free therapist and generally consider their needs over our own. This “disease” is in our control and can be stopped. It can be stopped politely and without damaging important relationships. In fact, it really MUST be stopped. It is probably one of the biggest time consumers and is a major obstacle to enjoying our work and our lives.

Here are some suggestions for getting rid of this learned personality trait:

1. Remember that we teach people how to treat us (that's a truth borrowed from Dr. Phil, by the way). You are 100% responsible for being the office therapist or the "family fixer" when others are unhappy. As long as you continue to accept this role, others will take you up on it!

How to stop it? Simply turn the tables and ask what the person has tried already to fix their own problem and don't let yourself fall into the familiar habit of offering advice or offering to take on the problem. The people in your life will subtly start to understand that you are no longer a source for "dumping" their emotional baggage.

2. Stop feeling responsible for taking away any pain you encounter. If you believe it is your job to lift pain from everyone who steps into your world, you will quickly feel overwhelmed and depleted of energy. Others must make their own choices to remove themselves from situations that are causing them to struggle.

3. Stop equating worry with kindness or being nice. Worry is not an expression of friendship, loyalty, good parenting or work ethic. It is an expression of anxiety, fear or mistrust. Trust that others will work out their problems, just like you work out your own. Telling someone you are worried about them confirms that they are not capable of handling their own lives (in your opinion).

4. Stop viewing yourself as ONLY a helping hand. Adding up the parents in our world, the helping professions like police, fire fighters, teachers and nurses and you've got a LOT of people who view themselves as helpers. The problem arises when you can't see yourself as anything BUT a helper. While this role is noble and meaningful, it is not your only function in this life.

You don't have to fix or help everyone, every time. This week practice just noticing this tendency and then move to just sitting and observing others. Do your best to break the habit of fixing other's problems and “overhelping.” You will likely start to notice less stress, more free time and more equal relationships.

If trying to please others--to the exclusion of pleasing yourself--is a reoccurring theme for you, you may be feeling like you don’t even know what your career goals are, much less making the daily effort to strive toward them!

To facilitate removing this common obstacle, here are some insights to "chew on“ during this week. Place these quotes in locations where you will see them often. Review the ones you like best upon awakening and before going to sleep for one week:

Naturalness is the easiest thing in the world to acquire, if you will forget yourself--forget about the impression you are trying to make.

~ Dale Carnegie ~

The person who seeks all their applause from outside has their happiness in another's keeping.

~ Claudius Claudianus ~

He who trims himself to suit everyone will soon whittle himself away.

~Raymond Hull~

Just trust yourself, then you will know how to live.

~Goethe~

People who want the most approval get the least, and people who need approval the least, get the most.

~Wayne Dyer~

Keep away from those who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you believe that you too can become great.

~Mark Twain~

See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

Don't Take the Wax Out of Your Ears !

2011-10-14T11:04:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite "inventions" for stress relief is wax earplugs. I know!

I often wear them in the office and find when I am only able to hear my inhale and exhale that everything becomes much, much less stressful. Sure, I have longish hair, so they are covered from view. AND I don't have to answer phones at work. So for some of you, this may not be an option.

I do this at home too though. Give it a try...you may be very surprised at how much of your tension is caused by all the NOISE!

See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall

2011-10-01T07:01:00.000-07:00

There is an old saying that points out “We dislike most in others, what we dislike most in ourselves.”

With that in mind, to remove excess negativity, resentment, judgment, or tension in a relationship, and, yes, WORK STRESS, try using the Mirror Exercise.

The next time you feel angry, frustrated, or judgmental of another, flip it. In other words, ask yourself where you behave like the other person (or worry that you may lapse into that behavior and so spend lots of energy trying hard to not be “that way”). Instead of looking at them and labeling, look at yourself and make a mental shift.

This person of irritation is simply a mirror for you to look at aspects of yourself that you can't bear to acknowledge (yet). Read on for more information on how to do this process, and resources for Shadow Work.

See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

2011-09-26T11:54:00.000-07:00

Stress can be managed…but can it be cured?

The term “stress” has become a badge of honor in our current world of faxes, e-mail, and back-to-back schedules. When asked how we are doing, we inevitably answer, “Oh, I’m so busy; I am so stressed-out.” To imagine answering: “Just feeling relaxed and enjoying today’s workload,” would inevitably mean being labeled a slacker, or at best, odd.

In developing a stress management program we often mean exercise, eating differently, meditating, and getting enough sleep. It may be more useful to ask why these things would have to be “managed” or even mandated by a physician. Why do we have to take a class to do these things?

The answer is likely that you do not see yourself as a priority. You have not incorporated into your to-do list that you are also an important relationship that needs attention.
You are a valuable tool in your life and you need to be “recharged” if you are to effectively run that life.

Once you see yourself as valuable and irreplaceable, you will naturally and effortlessly begin to maintain and exercise your body. You will not, however, follow your best friend’s regimen or the latest infomercial’s suggestion. You will find what works for your body, your life, and your abilities. You will like what you do to make sure your body is moved regularly and fed correctly.

While fat is stored, fitness is not. Natural principles govern our bodies, like the notion that we are not built to sit behind a PC all day and in front of a TV all night. Stress isn’t something to be fixed or cured, but an indicator that you are not listening to your body, and that you are not listening to yourself.

Are You Worth the Maintenance?

What happens when we finally make up our minds that we are a valuable tool in our own lives? That we need the same type of preventive maintenance as our computers or our cars? What might our activities look like once the thought that we have individual and unique value and should be treated as something with value has settled-in for good?

Perhaps your activities will look something like this:

*When you decide to eat differently, it will not be just to lose weight and then resort back to family-sized bags of potato chips in one sitting. You will eat what you like and you will eat what makes you feel good afterward (instead of tired or nauseous). If you do not like low-fat rice cakes, find what you DO like--and what you know is quality fuel---and eat that instead.

*You will sleep because it’s fun to sleep. It feels good to wake-up rested. To see how much sleep you need, it is recommended that you note the time you go to sleep on a day when you don’t have to be up at any particular time. Once you awaken naturally, note the time and the number of hours you slept. This is the correct amount of sleep for you.(see NOTE below for more info).

*Take time to slow down and check in with yourself, silently and often. You may write or just close your eyes and breathe, but do not let your day get away from you--through others’ demands or your own unreasonable expectations--without checking-in with yourself.

This is ultimately stress management.

*NOTE: Normal sleep times vary from six to ten hours. Experts typically state eight hours as the norm because it falls in the middle of these two extremes. You may need more. How do you know if you’re sleep deprived? One clue: you don’t remember your dreams.

See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

I Am a Liar

2011-09-21T10:53:00.000-07:00

"When we take innocent and open children and train them to be moralists, we train them at one and the same time to be liars. Moralism and lying go hand in hand. Being "good" and "looking good" lead directly to lying.

We conceal ourselves, by lying, because we fear that the pain accompanying the act of self-disclosure will literally destroy us, or fundamentally damage our being in some horrible way, rendering us maimed and dysfunctional. In addition, we fear we may destroy others with our truth-telling."

~Brad Blanton, Radical Honesty

Who among us will begin? Who will start telling what is true for them and show us all how it is done? It is time. And while it may be difficult, with severe consequences, it is without question, better than what we are living now.

I confess: I have made many really big, awful mistakes.

Do you dislike me now? That's okay. I get it.

See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

Not Knowing : When is "I Don't Know" the Right Answer?

2011-08-29T06:06:00.000-07:00

Part of our desire (maybe ALL of our desire) to be right is making sense of the world, people's actions, illness, etc. When we can spend a large part of our lives in the state of "I don't know" we may at first feel powerless or even stupid, but this position can be the most powerful and wise of all.

When we are willing to say, "I don't know" we allow for things to unfold as they should, without our interference. We don't make our happiness contingent on our best guess. We don't force others to think like we do, out of fear that if they don't, we are wrong, and we will somehow become unhappy because our best guess was not what happened.

Try spending part of today in "I-don't-know"-land and notice your internal response. Also notice that no one thinks less of you. Do I know it will turn out this way? I don't know. But I DO know that the position of "I know almost everything and you better listen" is a painful and destructive mindset (and also happens to not be true).

See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

Are You Listening to Me????

2011-08-16T11:54:00.000-07:00

Do you have good listening skills? In school, you learn to read, write and talk. But NO ONE was taught to listen. We were TOLD to listen, but that's not the same thing.

Part of the reason that most of us label ourselves as poor listeners, is that we tend to formulate our replies mentally, while the other person is talking. This creates way too much static in our minds to be able to comprehend what the other person is saying.

The solution? Just listen to what is being said, and trust that you will be able to answer when it is your turn. This can only be realized by DOING it, because we have no evidence this is true (yet). All I can say, is "try it and see for yourself."

Another technique is "active listening." A better term would be "active paraphrasing." This is where you ensure attention is being paid to the speaker through rephrasing, in your own words, what you heard the speaker say. This also provides a focal point for the wayward listener: to paraphrase back what you heard, you must pay attention.

It is not parroting the speaker, nor is it an attempt to match the speaker's volume word for word. It's a short phrase, such as, "You had a tough time in your meeting today," and waiting for the speaker to confirm you got the gist of what was said.

Autobiographical Listening

The second biggest reason we may be poor listeners is that we screen out the speaker's words until we hear something we can relate to. Called "Autobiographical Listening" it sounds like this:

Speaker: I was really concerned about my mother's health, and started to investigate facilities for her, but most wouldn't take her Basset Hound, and she really loves that dog, and so I started to ....

Listener: Basset Hound? I LOVE Basset Hounds! I had one as a kid...

Another way we 'autobiographically listen' is that we listen only to advise, argue or assess. We only focus once we have an answer we want to share, or when we want to change someone's mind, or when we judge what the person is saying. It sounds like:

Speaker: I had a really bad commute on Highway 40 today. I really wish the D.O..T would plan a little better for...

Listener: Highway 40?? What are you doing taking 40 to work? You gotta take back roads. Here. Let me show you what I do....

Listening, like any other habit, takes regular application. It takes 21-28 days to form a new habit. During this time, you will be uncomfortable, irritated, have set-backs...but it is well-worth the effort that this month-long goal requires for a LIFELONG habit that ensures high-trust relationships in the workplace.

Continue on to learn more about the skills you need to deal with difficult co-workers:

Body Language
Tone of Voice
Mindset

On Work-Stress-Solutions.Com/Difficult-Co-Workers

See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

Humility

2011-08-09T06:22:00.000-07:00

Is the experience of humility something you are familiar with? If not, perhaps a clearer framework for "right" and "wrong" will help shift you even more? This thing about being right...it's mostly opinion. It's mostly a guess. It's mostly theory.

When we put a lot of time and emotion into the THEORY we become very attached to it. It becomes a part of our self-definition. We are defending OURSELVES when we really mean to defend our opinion, our view, our best guess.

And that's where things breakdown for you/me/us. There may be a few absolutes that we can PROVE, (and I mean you better be able to prove it like MATH), but the rest is just how you want it to go.

And you can't know that your way--you can't absolutely know for sure--is the best way. It's an act of humility to finally get this. Humility. The mother of all virtues. Humility and integrity and trust...they all live together. You can't separate one from the other once these become where you put your time and emotion.

See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

Only One Way to Be Right

2011-08-04T07:48:00.000-07:00

What do you see in the picture above? A beautiful woman or an old hag? They are BOTH there...you just have to look at it differently.

There is one way to be right, and it is a wonderful way to be. If you look for what is already going right, and break the habit of scanning for what is going wrong, you will find unexpected pockets of joy in your day---yes---joy. This will happen so frequently that you will wonder what in the WORLD you were doing wrong (uh, uh...no more of that) all the other years.

What is going right, right now? Look for it within your visual field as you read this post. Those curtains, no viruses (in the computer or your body), kids are safe, like that wall color, good weather, pretty hands....and don't stop doing this all day (and dare I suggest, don't stop doing this for the rest of your life?)

Seeing what's right. It's a matter of stopping the analyzing and the error-finding (in situations and others) and seeing what IS working, and how right most of your life is going.

Look for what you can be thankful for, and stop looking at what isn't going well. This can include people in your life as well. Stop looking at their faults and weirdness (not to get too technical on ya) and see what they bring to the party; what is right about them instead.

See what IS RIGHT in your life and stop trying to BE RIGHT about your opinions, choices, etc. (and forcing this on others).

(From Day 20 of the 30-Day Challenge, "When Right is Wrong."

See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

Wake Up to Reality

2011-07-28T07:00:00.000-07:00

Many people's lives are constantly punctuated with little fits or tantrums in which they express their rejection of what's happening. What are the thoughts that come at these moments? "I'm hopeless," "If he hadn't done that....," "She always...," "I knew better than to do this."

Many of these thoughts are about what you would have done if you'd known better, or seen it coming, or remembered. You think that if you had done something other than what you did, you could have stayed in control of events. "Oh sh*t!" marks the point where reality and your plan parted ways. Things don't seem to be going your way, and to the best of your ability you're going to fight reality, even if all you can do is swear, kick a rock, or give someone you love a hard time.

The alternative is to expect reality NOT to follow your plan. You realize that you have no idea what's going to happen next. That way, you're pleasantly surprised when things seem to be going your way, and you're pleasantly surprised when they don't. In the second case, you may not have seen what the new possibilities are yet, but life quickly reveals them and the old plans don't stop you from moving ahead, from flowing efficiently into the life beyond your schemes and expectations.

Noticing and counting the beautiful reasons unexpected things happen for us ends the mystery. If you miss the real reasons, the benevolent reasons that coincide with kind nature, then count on depression to let you know that you missed them. Anger, frustration, and aggressive reasons can always be imagined---and what for? People who aren't interested in seeing why everything is good get to be right.

But that apparent rightness comes with disgruntlement, and often depression and separation. Depression can feel serious. So "counting the genuine ways that this unexpected event happened FOR me, rather than TO me" isn't a game. It's an exercise in observing the nature of life. It's a way of putting yourself back into reality, into the kindness of the nature of things.

Excerpt from Byron Katie's : "I Need Your Love---Is That True?: How to Stop Seeking Love, Approval and Appreciation and Start Finding Them Instead"

See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

Embracing Others, Embracing Myself

2011-07-22T11:48:00.000-07:00

We hear "We are all one..." and it is hard to make sense of that statement, though something about its hidden truth pulls at us. In this video, actor Thandie Newton tells the story of finding her "otherness" -- first, as a child growing up in two distinct cultures, and then as an actor playing with many different selves and how she found "we are all one". A warm, wise talk, fresh from stage at TEDGlobal 2011.

See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

Don't Believe Everything You Think

2011-07-19T11:06:00.000-07:00

It seems to me, that no one is noticing the elephant in the human living room. Thoughts. I don’t seem to be in control of them, and they just keep on coming. I have spent what seems a lifetime trying to control them, their content, and their quality. I have meditated, done affirmations, insisted on thinking positively all day long, journaled and been to therapy. And none of it has changed one thing.

Since I’m not one to sit around after 30 years of effort and tell myself, “Try harder,” I decided to investigate this private realization. As it would happen, this “you are in charge of your thoughts” declaration is absolutely not true. But you knew that already.

What we CAN control is our response to these thoughts. But these thoughts just come on in, unbidden. You can purposely think a statement or affirmation, sure, but what gave you the thought to think it? Ha! Gotcha. It just popped in, right?

Jung had a term called the Collective Unconscious; the Vendata Community has a term, “the causal body.” Both of these explain that thoughts are coming from SOMEWHERE (call it God, Reality or from the Great Beyond), but they are not originating FROM YOU. You are BEING thought!

You’ll notice you are digesting food and taking in air in the very same way. It’s just happening. Your agreement with these processes is not required. It will happen with or without your vote. Sit for a moment and notice this.

So, what is my point?

Well, I had, er, a THOUGHT ‘came in’ that suggested that I write an article about this to you; to allow others to have access to this same insight. At this point, this information may seem like AWFUL news, because you apparently don’t have control over your thoughts. But isn’t this realization also kind of freeing?

If you are not the thinker, than you can just observe the thoughts, and decide (you still have free will) which ones to emotionally or physically respond to. So, you can have a feeling or execute an action. Or you can dismiss the thought altogether.

Byron Katie, of “the Work” fame, anchors her entire program on this premise. She tells us that every stressful thought is a lie. Doesn’t that sound INSULTING at first glance? But what she means is, if the thought is upsetting to us, it isn’t true. It is going against reality or our own truth or both.

“I’m too fat and ugly” could be a thought that pops in when you look in the mirror. Is that true? Are you really TOO fat? Are you considered ugly by everyone? Even your dog? Well, maybe you could lose some weight, but currently, you are as big or small as you are. It’s just a fact. You’re alive and seem to be mobile (you walked by a mirror, right?) so perhaps the definition of fat is subjective. Are you REALLY grossed out by yourself or are you trying to program your view to match some societal opinion that is repeated a lot on TV and at night clubs?

If the circumstances were different and you were on a deserted island with no food, are you too fat now? Or are you properly equipped to withstand isolation until help arrives (compared to your size 5 friend who is definitely not gonna make it past the first month?).

Yes, yes, I hear you. You think this is crazy and will keep you alone and judged by your neighbors and co-workers if you adopt this new way of viewing thoughts. These various people that walk around noticing your outfits and your hair and your butt (and seem to be very important to you---maybe more important than YOU are to you). They really are focused on YOU, aren’t they?? Well, since you have been trying to please them since you were about 12 years old, and haven’t really measured up consistently –if ever---what do you say we stop worrying about the thoughts THEY have randomly entering their brains and focus on the ones randomly entering yours?

Because I have to tell ya, it is actually a lot of FUN to watch them pop in and out all day. And knowing I get to decide which one to attend to and which one to ignore, makes me feel VERY In charge, not out of control. How about trying it my way?

It’s just a thought…:)

"A thought is harmless unless we believe it. It’s not our thoughts, but our attachment to our thoughts, that causes suffering. Attaching to a thought means believing that it’s true, without inquiring. A belief is a thought that we’ve been attaching to, often for years."

— Byron Katie (Loving What Is: Four Questions That Can Change Your Life)

See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

You Are Wrong!!

2011-07-18T07:12:00.000-07:00

The title got your attention, didn't it? And NOT in a good way.

Aren't you feeling a little agitation right now? I bet you are. This is the normal response to being told we are WRONG. Your intention in reading further may even be to prove to me that you are NOT wrong, but quite right. And you don't even know what we are talking about yet!

This attitude is why we have conflict. Conflict is caused by the desire to be right. Think about an argument you have recently had. Was it with your spouse, co-worker or who was next in line at Target? It doesn't matter WHO is was, or what you THINK about them, or even what the actual FACTS were. What generated the conflict was your need to prove you were right about whatever happened.

In any given situation that involves conflict (whether that is aggressive conflict or polite conflict, it hardly matters) you would be better off in the long run to give up your irresistible need to be right EVERY TIME. You may wish to fight to the death on some issue that is important to you---and those fights are likely the ones that define who you are and what you stand for. But when you are fighting over who took the garbage our last or were you the next one in line, you may need to see where your need to be right is getting in your way.

Dr. Robert Bolten, bestselling author of "People Skills" states, "My research indicates that 95% of all conflict stems from our irresistible need to be right. Our conflict would greatly diminish if we gave up this mindset."

So how do we go about changing this mindset? Following are a couple of quotes based on Dr. Stephen Covey's Work (The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People) and to take a quote from this list and put it to work for you. Place it on your computer screen, as a screensaver or post if somewhere you will see often like the bathroom mirror.

"Assertiveness is defined as courage balanced with consideration." My interpretation: Have the guts to stand up for yourself, but do it with some manners.

"What is more important ? To be right in your relationships or to be effective in them?" My interpretation: On your deathbed, will your last words be "I was loved" or "I was right" ?

Excerpt #70 from my book "101 Ways to Love Your Job."

See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

Word Choice in Conflict

2011-07-08T05:45:00.000-07:00

"We are a master of the words we think,
and a slave to the words we speak." ~Zen saying

I speak for a living. Words are my bread and butter. And even I have problems with word choice when it comes to dealing with conflict in the workplace. While we can't possibly control everything that comes out of our mouths, there are some words to AVOID and a way to practice a conversation if we know it's coming.

*Word to Avoid When Dealing with Difficult Co-Workers*

But, However, Although

These are actually all the same word. It is the use of one of these words that negates anything said prior to them. It sounds something like this:

"You're doing a really good job here, but...."

The listener automatically knows that what you said prior to the BUT is not true, or less true, than what you are about to say. It angers people because it feels manipulative (and that's probably because it is an attempt to manipulate better reception of your negative comment).

What to say instead? AND. "You're doing a really good job here AND here are some things you could do even better..." Makes all the difference.

Never and Always

These words are absolutes, and they diminish a person's inherent complexity when used to describe behaviors. It sounds like this:

"You are NEVER on time....You are ALWAYS late..."

This starts an argument, because this isn't true. You aren't using facts, you are essentially name-calling. If you need to discuss someone's behavior, it would behoove you to use FACTS or DATA instead of ABSOLUTES. This conversation may sound like:

"You have been late four out of the last five days..."

Now, we can have a factual conversation instead of borderline slander.

Practicing Difficult Conversations

If you have the luxury of knowing a difficult conversation is coming your way, there are two ways to practice (and practice you must---going over this in your head in the car on the way in to work is NOT practice).

1. Have a mock conversation with someone you trust. It has to be someone you trust, because this is going to be embarrassing and it needs to be kept confidential. But if you have someone who can role-play the difficult co-worker in question, you have got yourself some workplace gold. Mine it.

2. Write it out. When we write long-hand (doesn't work using the computer), we engage our left and right brain simultaneously---creative meets logical. Powerful stuff. You may not say everything exactly as you wrote it when the actual conversation happens, but your odds are greatly increased, and as a side bonus, you relieve a lot of pent-up negativity in the process.

You may have certain words that get you riled. I know I am personally not a fan of the response, "Whatever." Do you have a phrase or word that upsets you? Share it below in the comments section so we all can benefit (and avoid their use in the future):

More on dealing with difficult co-workers? See my site for information on:

Tone of Voice
Body Language
Mindset/Attitude
Listening Skills

Just Like Me

2011-07-06T06:09:00.000-07:00

This article is life-changing...it's important...and I didn't write it. But I will do my damnedest to get it out there to as many people as I can.

Othering: How to Use Current Events for Your Own Evolution
Posted by Arjuna Ardagh

The word “other” is commonly used in English as both an adjective and a pronoun. As an adjective: “born on the other side of the tracks.” As a pronoun: “if it’s not one thing, it’s the other.” Today I’d like to submit for your consideration the word “other” as a verb. Examples? “Dude, don’t other me,” and “she was in a terrible mood, othering everybody the whole evening.”

Here is my proposed dictionary entry for the next Merriam Webster:

other |ˈəðər|
verb
1. to attribute qualities onto another person, often a celebrity in the news, so as to avoid acknowledging these same qualities within oneself:
[as verb. ] hey, don’t other Clinton, most married men have done stuff like that | I went to a meeting with the Dalai Lama. It was great but people tend to other him by putting him above them.

For the last ten days, our latest “otherfest” has focused on Rep. Anthony Weiner, whose name made him a larger-than-life-Disney-cartoon disaster waiting to happen. Republicans are having a field day, of course, and even the members of his own party are calling for his resignation. Now don’t get me wrong here. I’m not advocating sending snaps of your private parts to women you hardly know. I don’t condone lying, or emotionally abandoning your recently pregnant wife. Probably everyone, including Rep. Weiner himself, agrees that these actions were stupid, immature, and hurtful to other people.

We can learn from this and many other current events, however, by shifting our attention from “what that terrible, despicable, lying rotten good for nothing over there did,” to “why are we getting so upset about this, and giving it so much attention?”

Why do we use the news so frequently for collective ‘othering?” One important reason is that there are weaknesses from which we all suffer: you and me and everyone we know. For example, pretty much every married man suffers from a case, mild or strong, of the wandering eye. His attention is caught by a pretty face, or a shapely curve, before he even has time to think about it. He might sometimes gaze at the thousands of naked women available on the web. He might even go all out, and have an affair. Generally, he feels bad about all of the above, he frequently lies about them, and he hopes to not get found out, neither for his actions, nor for his secret thoughts or dreams. He knows that all this distracts him from true intimacy with his wife, and she knows it too. But he does not know what to do about it. It is a dangerous weakness we all have. If we act on these impulses and get caught, they can destroy our marriage or career. So when a man conveniently called Weiner makes the mistake of following the impulses of his weiner, it is not just his issue. It is every man’s secret nightmare, and his wife’s as well, written large for all to see.

Similarly, every mother I have ever known, however devoted and loving and patient, at some time or other feels overwhelmed. She needs a break. She may sometimes lose it with the kids, or wish she had not become a mother so young. She might even, in her most private moments of deep despair, wish she could go back to the carefree life she lived before they were born. Then she catches herself, and blocks such thoughts from her mind. She becomes afraid that she is a bad mother for ever thinking that way. If questioned, she would never, ever, ever, admit to resenting her own kids. “I love them, I am a good mother.” Hence the Casey Anthony trial does not pass in obscurity in a remote Florida court house, it is international news day after day after day. Every small and sordid detail is guzzled up, in real time, by millions of people, as if it were their own family member in the dock. Why? Because this is our own secret nightmare on display for everyone to see.

The simple antidote for othering, which turns every news story into an opportunity for evolution and maturity are three simple words: Just like me. What did Weiner do? His attention wandered, and he acted on it. Most men, at least the honest ones, could easily say, “Just like me.” (And yes, things that happened in college do count.) Then he lied, for a week, before fessing up. C’mon guys, we can also offer another “Just like me.”

In order for “just like me” to work, you’ve got to let go of the facts a little bit, and tune into the energy underneath. Most men have not tweeted pics of their package to virtual strangers. They may not even have flirted. And certainly most women have never actually harmed their own children. The question is whether you can locate and be honest about the same impulses in the locked basement of your own thoughts. You may not have acted on them, but the important question is, have you ever taken such a wild ride in your mind?

Two or three months ago, Dr. Gay Hendricks and I released a YouTube video called “Dear Woman.” With a ramshackle assortment of buddies, we created a chorus of “just like me,” about how we can ‘fess up to weaknesses in our own masculine psyche. Men from all over the world were outraged that we would voice a collective apology for things that we, and they, didn’t do.

People object to letting go of “othering” because they think that by acknowledging those same traits in themselves, it is creating guilt and shame. They are also concerned that they may be abandoning their moral compass all together, reducing themselves to a left coast mush where everything is ok.

I suggest that you can maintain a well-tuned sense right and wrong, without having to project the “wrong” onto political figures, and claim the “right” things for yourself. Releasing “othering” doesn’t make you a bad person. It just makes you a more honest, deeper and compassionate person.

What are the benefits of integrating “just like me” into your life?

* One, you can instantaneously replace heavy feelings of separation and judgment with compassion and empathy, thereby improving your health.

* Two, you can bring undesirable qualities out of the shadow, own them, and become a more engaging, and multidimensional person.

* Three, when checking in to Google News every day, instead of getting depressed, it can become an endless, fascinating journey of self-discovery. “Wow, we did that too?”

You can use “just like me” not only on things that you condemn as bad, but also on qualities you admire, and wish to emulate, “The Dalai Lama is so wise and calm… just like me.” “Mark Wahlberg is so smart, just like me.” “Barack Obama is so eloquent. He has such a knack with words… just like me.”

If you’d like to know more about “just like me” and other similar tools, go register at thedeeperlove.com, and they’ll send you a useful practice every few days (free).

See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

Conflict in the Workplace

2011-06-28T12:33:00.000-07:00

Here's a little information that outta raise the hair on the back of your neck:

The effects of conflict in the workplace are widespread and costly. Its prevalence, as indicated by three serious studies, shows that 24-60% of management time and energy is spent dealing with anger. This leads to decreased productivity, increased stress among employees, hampered performance, high turnover rate, absenteeism and at its worst, violence and death. ~Business Know-How.Com

Good times. And you wanted a job.

First, let me direct you to the tools already available on my site for handling difficult co-workers and/or your own negativity in contributing to conflict:

Difficult Co-Workers
Article "Dealing with Difficult People at Work"
Article "Being Right: What Price Do You Pay?"
E-Book (free) 101 Ways to Deal with a Pain in the Butt @ Work

Warning: Make sure this is YOUR business. Many times, we get involved in other people's workplace conflict because we believe it is the right and kind thing to do. And we make a mess of it. Or we end up in the middle of it. Here are some articles for ensuring you are seeing things CORRECTLY before inserting yourself into the conflict:

Article. Stressing Out Over the Cold Shoulder
Article. Is it Your Business? Boundaries and Tea Cups
Article. The Disease to Please

But if you've already read those, and you still need help in getting your workplace conflict handled, and you are sure this is YOUR business, here are some suggestions:

Make sure you let someone know you are handling this situation in the near future. Alert HR, your supervisor, Legal...someone else needs this information. Trust me.

1. Ensure the interaction takes place in a confidential and quiet environment.

2. Listening is the main reason this is so off-track. When we feel HEARD, we aren't inclined toward anger, gossip, creating silos or cliches...we only do these things because we need our side/view heard. P.S. This is also why we YELL.

3. Tell the parties that there is one rule here: No interrupting. Give each person a chance to tell their ENTIRE story, until they say, "I am finished." You can facilitate this by asking, "Is there anything else?" until you hear, "No. I am finished."

4. Summarize, in your own words, what you heard the individual say. Then turn to the other party and ask for their version. Repeat.

5. Ask each party for ONE THING that they would like to see change. You could phrase this as:

"What is one thing you would like to see handled differently in the future?"

or

"If you were in my role, what would you suggest I do to remedy this situation?"

5a. If you get no response or an "I don't know" then respond with:

"If you don't know what you need here or what would make things better for you...how can I know? I need you to participate in the solution."

NOTE: Don't use a snarky tone of voice here. Your goal is to not let either party know who you side with (and it would be ideal if you didn't side with either of them!).

Your intention is to make them the PROBLEM-SOLVERS here (as they were the PROBLEM-MAKERS). You are not the mom. You are not the President. You may have some advice, but if you give it, they will keep coming back for more.

Ultimately, you may need to get your manager or an HR professional involved. This may also escalate into disciplinary action. Everyone's job in the workplace is two-fold : To manage results AND maintain relationships. In this case, the second one is being violated.

You have every right to expect a polite and agreeable workplace. If these two are not willing to at least FAKE IT, then it is time to move them out of the organization. Follow your company's process for termination.

See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.

Constructive Criticism is a Scam

2011-06-13T06:00:00.000-07:00

"Constructive criticism" is a scam run by people who want to beat you up. And they want you to believe it is for your own good."

That's from a book by Cheri Huber called, "There is Nothing Wrong with You". I STRONGLY urge you to purchase a copy.

More:

"If you had a person in your life treating you the way you treat yourself, you would have gotten rid of them a long time ago."

Seem like too much trouble? To buy the book and read it? You'd rather just read snippets HERE and move onto something else that's easy? Hmmmmm. That sounds like a plan for KEEPING the notion in place that there is something wrong with you. I don't want that for you, and I don't want that for me.

So maybe this (from Cheri's book) will resonate:

"Self-hate uses self-improvement as self-maintenance. As long as you are concerned about improving yourself, you'll always have a self to improve. And you will always suffer."

I have no link for you to click on. I'm not selling Cheri Huber books. I'm selling peace (except it's free, so I tend to just fall on the "pro" side of the issue :) You know how to purchase a book. Go to that place/site and do this for yourself.

See Stephanie's site Work Stress Solutions for more information like this.