11825code6

Sleep Well, Complicit Prince

2012-01-22T09:35:00.001-08:00

This shit

2012-01-15T18:07:00.001-08:00

A lyrical analysis of Red Solo Cup

2012-01-15T16:22:00.000-08:00

Red Solo Cup is lighting the music world on fire and firing the lighting world on music. I'm a huge Toby Keith fan. Aren't we, everyone? Here's a lyrical analysis of his greatest song:

Now a red solo cup is the best receptacle

For dipping!

For barbecues, tailgates, fairs and festivals

And that. Where else would you find Americans?

And you sir do not have a pair of testicles
If you drink from a glass

Finally someone said it. I need a red solo cup to hold my massive balls while I drink out of, and dip into, red solo cups.

A red solo cup is cheap and disposable

I love red solo cups so much I throw every single one away.

And in 14 years they are decomposable

Toby Keith: Geologist

And unlike my home they are not foreclosable
Freddie Mac can kiss my ass woo

Topical metaphors are keystones to country classics, and this is no exception. Freddie Mac wouldn't dare touch our red solo cups, but don't be surprised if they try. In which case they will kiss our asses woo.

Chorus:
Red solo cup, I fill you up
Lets have a party Lets have a party
I love you, red solo cup, I lift you up
Proceed to party, Proceed to party

This speaks to me in so many ways. I always want to have a party. When people ask me if they should bring something to a party, I tell them red solo cups. What else? I need red solo cups. I need to fill them up. I need to lift them up. I LOVE THEM.

Now I really love how you're easy to stack
But I really hate how you're easy to crack

Ah! One of the great paradoxes of human ingenuity. The red solo cup, while perfect, hasn't truly been perfected. We all take full advantage of its stacking capabilities. Then, without warning, the stack sports a crack and our red solo cup party tower comes crashing down, and the sodomy is within full view of the incoming guests. Red solo cups hide our shameful sodomy parties.

Cuz when beer runs down the front of my back
Well that my friends is quite yucky

It is yucky! It's yucky LIKE THAT QUEER DRINKIN' OUTTA FUCKIN' GLASS. SOMEBODY GET MAW TRUCK, WE GOTTA GLASSDRINKER TO DUMP IN A DITCH. Sorry. Got carried away. I'm a Toby Keith fan, so people who don't see eye to eye with me will be reckoned with violence. The violence in my heart that I try to mask with playful songs like "Red Solo Cup." When beer runs down the front of my back, I find my wife and I give her a smack, then I find my kids and show them who's drunk, then they spend the night in my crowded trunk....OHHHHHH RED SOLO CUP

But I have to admit the ladies get smitten

When in a rage I destroy a kitten

Admiring how sharply my first name is written

PENMANSHIP PUSSY TRAIN

On you with a sharpie when I get hittin'
on them to help me get lucky

What? Is he talking about signing tits? Red solo D CUPS Y'AAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLL Or is he signing their red solo cups? Are people bringing red solo cups for Toby Keith's signature? Filled with dip? Is he signing cups with dip? Is he signing boobs with dip? Is he spitting in women's faces and then throwing their easily-cracked red solo cups on the ground and then beating their kids while they scream "TOBY KEITH, BE MY FIFTH HUSBAND!" Country is America!?

THEN THE FUCKING CHORUS REPEATS

Now I've seen you in blue and I've seen you in yellow
But only you in red will do for this fellow

A country singer who has a problem with something in a different color? FUCK THE PRESSES. Also "Yellow Solo Cup" would be a terrible song. You know, unlike Red Solo Cup.....

Cuz you are the Abbot to my Costello
And you are the fruit to my loom

You are the underwear brand to my segregation era comedy duo. And you are the Mussolini to my Hitler. You are the chemotherapy to my cancer. Red solo cup, I fill you up, with carcinogenic moist SNUFF. MY BOTTOM JAW'S FUCKED.

Red solo cup you're more than just plastic
You're more than amazing you're more than fantastic
And believe me when i'm not the least bit sarcastic
when i look at you and say:

CHORUS REPEATS?

WE DONT' DRINK ALCOHOL, WE DRINK DETERGENT OUT OF A TOILET TANK AND THEN TALK TO CUPS

Red solo cup, your not just a cup.
You're my, you're my friend. (life long)
Thank you, for being my friend.

Red solo cup AINT JUSSA CUP. It's a friend. When has a red solo cup ever left you or hurt you? THAT'S WHAT GLASSES DO. They EFF your GF!

And there you have it. Red solo cups aren't just cups. They are receptacles that you fill with mouth juice and throw away. You also talk to them, fuck them, and sign them for women. You also stack them, crack them, and purchase them. Let's have a party. The most boring party imaginable.

BEER PONG. DIP PONG. PUT THE BABY IN THE MIDDLE OF THE TABLE. LOSER GETS THE BABY. I MADE BATHTUB GIN, DRINK UNTIL YOU GO MUTE! LARRY, DRINK DRINK DRINK (Larry is the dog, the drunken redneck in this paragraph have forced his mouth open and are now pouring alcohol down his throat. I've actually heard about rednecks who do this.) IF I WIN BEER PONG, I LEGALLY GET TO MURDER WHOMEVER I WANT WHENEVER I NEED! GET DARRYL ON THE PHONE-MACHINE, HE'S A COUNTY JUDGE. HE KNOW THE LAW. FUCK YOU, VICKY, I'LL DRINK UNTIL MY WISH COMES TRUE. NAMELY, THAT OUR NEW BABY GETS STUCK IN YOUR OVEN AND THEN COMES OUT YOUR MOUTH LIKE ONE 'EM BADASS MONSTERS ON MTV'S TRUE LIFE: I TATTOOED MY BABY.

TOBY KEITH!

If you like basketball, AND WHO DOESN'T

2012-01-13T17:53:00.000-08:00

Check out episode three of a podcast I am in with Kyle Scanlan and special guest David Sharp!

Or check us out on iTunes!

Like us on Facebook!

Follow us on Twitter!

IS THIS ENOUGH FOR YOU?

Ideas?

2012-01-10T14:10:00.001-08:00

How?

More crap

2012-01-07T17:00:00.000-08:00

Coffee resolutions for twenty twelve. You know, because coffee is important to you and everyone need to hear about it.

When coworkers ask me if I would like some coffee, I tell them I don't drink coffee. They look at me as if my head became a toilet. Coffee is the signature icon of a working office environment. Not drinking is a sin. Why wouldn't I force into my stomach the glowing heat and accept the inevitable diarrhea I would have to share with my coworkers? Don't I want to be productive? Don't I want to tell people I can't function without it, right as they are about to echo the exact sentiment?

I'm not evil. I understand the need for coffee. It's just that coffee throws a bonfire in a colon and gives me a heart parade. I don't care about what coffee you drink. No one does. I do care about what antifreeze you drink. I'm going to stop fucking around because I am almost out of patience for forcing this shit. This blog always blows and I don't know why I try anymore. YOUR 2012 COFFEE RESOLUTIONS.

Upgrade Your Cup

Nevermind this fucking blows POSTED

My 2012 Resolutions PART ONE

2012-01-03T15:02:00.000-08:00

10. Understand the homeless cats - The homeless cats are all over my neighborhood looking for fancy feast while I look for them. I just want to take them home and be their boss. I can make them cat food omelets and watch them watch me as I watch them eat. I use red pepper flakes to give it that extra extra flavor. People ask me what my politics are. My politics are cat. I will vote for Ron Paul because he looks like a cat, people. CATPEOPLE. I have cracked the Illuminati code. ILLUMEOWNATI. Quick, lock all of your doors. I've opened the third eye and spit in it. CATS HAVE THREE EYELIDS! Listen to me, we have very little time. 2012 is the year the government finds me, freezes my nipples off, and takes my cats. My 2012 New Year's Resolutions Cats.

9. Move next to a Fudge Popsicle Factory - Why not? According to fuckyou.com, there are 134 fudge popsicle factories in the United States. Surely they could use an upstanding neighbor! I UPSTAND WITH THE BEST OF THEM. Now, I beg of you, do not get it twisted, I insist. I don't want a job there. I just want to live next to it. The rest of my family that I will breed shall work at the FPF. Has it become twisted? DON'T! I've always wanted a family to labor, childlike, for my own insatiable desire for frozen fudge treat-sticks. MEATY fudge on a WOODEN stick. FUUUUUUUUUUUUDGEGETTABOUTIT. Breakfast, Lunch, Dinner, Showermeal, Cake'o'clock, Four'o'cake, you name the time (this is also a meal).

What you can expect in 2012.

2012-01-03T14:40:00.001-08:00

This

Check out this video about the podcast

2011-12-31T20:08:00.001-08:00

Check out this podcast

2011-12-31T17:49:00.000-08:00

Kyle Scanlan and I talk ABOUT THE NBA!

Like us on Facebook, PLEASE NOW!

A made a DITTY

2011-12-27T23:10:00.001-08:00

A PEE DITTY

Fuck you

2011-12-27T15:18:00.001-08:00

Seriously

The most shoplifted items of the season

2011-12-13T20:24:00.000-08:00

Courtesy of Yahoo

1. Filet Mignon - A family needs beef. And why not give your family the beef it needs? If you were hungry, would you not steal the finest cut of meat above all? I was hungry once, and though I knew stealing was wrong, I stole an entire raincoat full of filets. I also stole an entire raincoat. I could afford them or whatever. But what exactly is a housewife to do if I'm only allowed a $200 per week grocery budget? I can't immolate myself for more money can I? And my privately schooled children must eat the best if they are to become proper white people.

Actually, maybe it's better filet mignon is stolen. If most people don't buy it, then most people won't miss it. This is my logic for stealing people's expensive cars. It will hold up in court like I hold up my mantits with a tight kerchief. What am I typing?

Sometimes I steal filet mignonS and make a steak sandwich on the grill I stole in the parking lot with the lawn chair I stole and the cheese, bread, and ASSORTED FIXINS I stole. I have exactly a minute and forty-five to make this sandwich and eat it before my three square state waterin' hole comes a wailin' for me again. "JETHRO, this the FIFTEETH (fifteeth!) time we have DONE caught you for STEALIN' THAT FINE LOOKIN' SAMMICH!" (This is the way we talk.) "WELP OFFICER, BESTCHA GOTCHUR RUNNIN' SHOES ON, CUZ I'MMA SKEEDADDLIN'" Then they catch me and beat me pulpless. I steal the pulp.

2. Jameson - I steal drinks and drink out of guilt to forget the stealing and drinking. So why not steal the best? Well, this isn't the best, so why not steal it also? Why not steal? There is no reason not to steal.

3. Electric Tools - Thanks Thomas Edison. I have a problem because of you. I steal drills. I steal refrigerator hammers. I steal saws. I steal flurfendoptuels. I steal Batman's stuff at Lowe's in the Batman section. I stole this computer. I stole Mission Impossible.

4. iPhone 4 - YES!

YES!

Everyone needs an iphone 44444444444444

I stole an iphone 4 and ate it. It was gasoline-y at best. Hey, it's either that or a Malaysian kid set it on fire for warmth.

5. Gilette Mach 4 - EVERYTHING WITH FOUR MUST GO

I use this to knife your neck if you stop me from stealing it. Then I'll steal your blood because I need it for my rare disease called bloodalicious.

I AM SICK. THERE'RE BOOGERS ON MY MOUSE.

6. Axe - Fuck this list

7, Polo Rauplh Loren - WHAT ARE YOU WHITE PEOPLE STEALING?

8. DOGS

9. KITTENS

10. TOILETS

(meanwhile, back at the real list BITCHFARTS)

8. Let's Rock Elmo - LET US ROCK INDEED RED PIECE OF BATTERIED CLOTH

9. Chanel No. 5 - What, but that's part of my cable package. WOCKA WOCKA WOCKA WOCKA WOCKA WOCKA WOCKA WOCKA WOCKA WOCKA WOCKA WOCKA WOCKA WOCKA WOCKA WOCKA WOCKA WOCKA WOCKA WOCKA WOCKA WOCKA WOCKA WOCKA WOCKA WOCKA WOCKA WOCKA WOCKA WOCKA WOCKA WOCKA WOCKA WOCKA WOCKA WOCKA WOCKA WOCKA WOCKA WOCKA WOCKA WOCKA WOCKA WOCKA WOCKA WOCKA WOCKA WOCKA WOCKA WOCKA WOCKA WOCKA WOCKA WOCKA WOCKA WOCKA WOCKA WOCKA WOCKA WOCKA WOCKA WOCKA WOCKA WOCKA WOCKA WOCKA WOCKA WOCKA WOCKA WOCKA WOCKA WOCKA WOCKA WOCKA WOCKA WOCKA WOCKA WOCKA WOCKA WOCKA WOCKA WOCKA WOCKA WOCKA WOCKA WOCKA WOCKA WOCKA WOCunt WOCKA WOCKA WOCKA WOCKA WOCKA WOCKA WOCKA WOCKA WOCKA WOCKA WOCKA

10. Nikes - I NEED KICKS TO steal sinks. half rhyme MO T HER F UCK ERS

have you noticed how much I hate?

a new post

2011-12-11T18:23:00.001-08:00

would look like this

This stinks ass but you can go fuck

2011-12-05T18:46:00.000-08:00

It's official!

2011-11-27T13:41:00.001-08:00

I've posted more in 2011 than in 2010! It does not feel like it!

Wait until 2012, when the internet is illegal!

Jerry Rice and Nitus' Wii Football Whatstravaganza?

2011-11-27T12:06:00.000-08:00

Jerry Rice and Nitus' Dog Football?

......hm.....huh?

Jerry Rice. And Nitus.....'.......Dog? Foot? Ball?

........I'm......uh......

Hall-of-fame wide receiver and quite possibly the greatest football player of all time, Jerry Rice.

............his dog? Nitus?

....football?

Nitus is his dog, and Jerry Rice has invited the town's dogs to join him, off leash, in a game of football. Together. And it is a video game. Retailing at money.

Ohhhhhhhhhh, DOG football!

NOW I GET IT!

Jerry Rice and Nitus' dog football is one of the many Wii titles that Japan poisoned the Americas no questions asked. The object of the game is simple. The title of the game is the object. You're Jerry Rice and you are drunk as fuck. You decide to let all of the neighborhood dogs loose. You and Nitus make a wager with the neighborhood dogs. If you win, the neighborhood dogs have to run through the interstate against traffic. If they win, you have to drunk drive around a police station twenty times, and Nitus has to eat chocolate.

Here are the breeds and positions:

Lab retrievers: They are the linebackers. They watch Jerry Rice's eyes for intermediate routes unless they are taking a shit.

German Shepherds: While the linebackers are taking shits, the shepherds are in charge of the defensive line. Watch out! They're taking shits.

Poodles: The poodles are the cornerbacks. Talking about taking shits! They're taking shits.

Great Danes: With a field covered in shit, it's up to the Danes to take shits and protect the quarterback with slippery diarrhea shits causing the German shepherds to slip in shit as they take shits. This game is rated mature for graphic depictions of defecation.

West Highland Terriers: The Westies are the shitting shittingbacks. You would hand the ball off to them, but it is covered in shit. Dogs eat shit because they are TOO FUCKING DUMB TO PLAY FOOTBALL. I REFUSE TO ACCEPT THIS PRODUCT OF THE IMAGINATION.

Chihuahuas: Cross-dressing prison cheerleaders.

Dachshunds: The wide receivers. They drop pretty much all of the passes as their front legs are constantly being used for balance as they take shits. You never win. You never move. It's just you holding the ball watching twenty-one dogs take shits.

I give it nine shits out of cunt.

PAST BLAST

2011-11-21T15:24:00.000-08:00

Okay, I've mentioned this guy before.

Now, HEAR HIM SING!

Proof it's him.

Kevin C. Li, I am your ~~only~~ biggest fan.

Thanksgiving Food Measured by the total eating percentage

2011-11-17T14:40:00.000-08:00

If you know anything about me, you know I'm fat. I like to eat until I forget my name. Eating is the only path to happiness and hopefully when I get to Heaven it is a Chinese Buffet. Table for one. Restaurant for one. I'm happy at Burger King. My other senses don't work when I'm tasting. Please send me food.

Thanksgiving is coming!

It's a food mecca. Salty and sweet, together at last (just kidding, they are together forever and always in my poorly circulating heart, I want to die!) Here's a list of the foods we eat on T'Giving Day next to them are the PERCENTAGE I'M GOING TO EAT AT YOUR DINNER. 100% MEANS YOU ARE GETTING FUCKING 0%.

Mashed Potatoes (100%) - Love me, fuck me. Take a potato, mash it! It becomes frothy texture and goodness gracious POUR ON THE TITTYFUCKING GRAVY! Nom nom!

Let me tell you a story. One time I arrived late to a Thanksgiving PARTAAAAAAY and the mashed potatoes were gone. SO I MADE MORE! Did you like that story? I don't like telling it! I don't like any of this!

I want to have a gravy eating contest with the ghost of Tommy Mashed Potatoes, the inventor of eating contests, AND I WILL BURY HIS ASS AGAIN. I am so ready to show you WHAT I'M MADE OF. I'm made of fat and shit.

Mashed Turnips (0%) - THE FUCK. Mash this! *mashes genitals* Turnips, otherwise known as God's poison, are sometimes mashed to make them less delicious. Then someone DARES to put them in a plate and on a table. Uncle! Here's a good recipe: 1 Gun, 1 Bullet, Mix, Eat Bullet

Roast Turkey (100%) - I've never made one, but I have eaten yours. GIVE ME! I've heard the best way to cook a turkey is to bore me with your stories (Todd Barry joke!) I cook my turkey in a grand piano because I am an eccentric broke. The turkey farts MAKE ME FURIOUS.

It's salty, meaty, tender, and decadent. I hate Thanksgiving.

Stuffing or Dressing (1478%) - The best thing at the table. I won't even put it on my plate. The STUFFING PLATE IS MY PLATE BITCH. I'M FUCKING TIRED OF APOLOGIZING FOR CAPS LOCK, YOU STUPID CUNTS. I LIKE TYPING LIKE THIS. DO YOU HAVE A FUCKING PROBLEM? DO YOU? BE LIKE EVERYONE ELSE IN THE UNIVERSE AND STOP READING MY FUCKING BLOG! STOP READING NOW!

I like stuffing with onions and celery and dog food and potato flakes. You put it in a turkey's pussy and THE JUICES. I HATE THANKSGIVING.

WEKILLEDTHEINDIANSFORTHIS

Creamed Onions (0%) - I thought I made this up but I didn't. Onion cream? Why don't you just pop a puss blister on a piece of cat shit? This was never funny.

Cranberry Sauce (50%) - Take it or leave it. Sure, it's sweet. It's also sour. And it's a waste of time when there are more worthy foods to swallow, like quail shit. ugh, another shit joke, I really suck.

Peas (Negative forever) - Peas taste like shoes. Some people love peas and Hell is their future home. Peas of shit! Hahahahahahahaha h Hahahahahahahaha h Hahahahahahahaha h Hahahahahahahaha h Hahahahahahahaha h Hahahahahahahaha h Hahahahahahahaha h Hahahahahahahaha h Hahahahahahahaha h Hahahahahahahaha h Hahahahahahahaha h Hahahahahahahaha h Hahahahahahahaha h Hahahahahahahaha h Hahahahahahahaha h Hahahahahahahaha h Hahahahahahahaha h Hahahahahahahaha h Hahahahahahahaha h Hahahahahahahaha h Hahahahahahahaha h Hahahahahahahaha h Hahahahahahahaha h Hahahahahahahaha h Hahahahahahahaha h HahahahI WILL KILL YOUahahahaha h Hahahahahahahaha h Hahahahahahahaha h Hahahahahahahaha h Hahahahahahahaha h Hahahahahahahaha h Hahahahahahahaha h Hahahahahahahaha h Hahahahahahahaha h Hahahahahahahaha h Hahahahahahahaha h Hahahahahahahaha h Hahahahahahahaha h Hahahahahahahaha h Hahahahahahahaha h Hahahahahahahaha h Hahahahahahahaha h Hahahahahahahaha h Hahahahahahahaha h Hahahahahahahaha h Hahahahahahahaha h Hahahahahahahaha h Hahahahahahahaha h Hahahahahahahaha h Hahahahahahahaha h Hahahahahahahaha h Hahahahahahahaha h Hahahahahahahaha h Hahahahahahahaha h Hahahahahahahaha h

Thanksgiving!

Bread - Some lazy bastard in your family "did their part" by bringing some Bimbo brand garbage rolls that serve the sole purpose of allowing your fat as hell family to consume butter. Bread doesn't taste bad, but it's not salty enough for me to care. I care about salt. I'm that fat.

Biscuits are different. Biscuits are layers upon layers of lardy, yeasty, christy olympia. The wonders! I once knifed you over a biscuit. You don't remember? I'll knife you the next time I see you. Enough death threats? I will literally kill you. Over food. I hope someone from my job reads this shit.

Celery - traditionally served when you are stupid and you have a stupid dumb family with a death wish, I'd like to think the Indians weren't destroyed so we could eat celery

FUCK THANKSGIVING DINNER, I'M GOING TO CICI'S

Pumpking Pie - Get in the car, WE'RE GOING TO CICI'S

Cici's pizza for thanksgiving is where it is at. I'm going to get the pineapple Sicilian QUATRO-DIARRHEO. Then I'm going to get the "fat cone." At cic's if the buffet isn't enough for me, which it isnt', they give me a cone to have at my table so some pizza boy can get my PERSONAL ORDER. I get the deep dish ham and I tell them not to cut it. Cutting it is a waste of my time. My teeth can cut it. CIIIIIIICIIIIIIIIII'S Are you tired of regular pizza places that don't offer $3.99 troughs of the meats and cheeses that have learned to love me for who I am. Food loves me for who I am, a fat train wreck of buttery sorrow destined for a heart attack/stroke combo AT CICI'S.

Cici's Pizza was founded in 1875 by Jesus Christ. He came back for Cici's y'all. After God learned who eats at Cici's, he invented hell so they could eat there forever with the inventor of buffets, Satan Williams. (Satan's black) Ugggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh CIIIIIIIICIIIIIIIIIIIIII'S

This post is a nervous breakdown.

Cici's Pizza is Christmas food also. Come on down for our Christmas special, egg nog flavored pizza wrapped in thick crust giftwrap with chestnut topping and a shitty glaze. Who died for your sins? We did! Cici's!

Cici's is also ready for Valentine's day! Come on down for our red velvet cake pizza with a shitty glaze, red pen ink, and fish hearts. I heard love is in the air! Flowers in her hair!!!!! FLOWERS EVERYWHERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR Flowers and hair are on the pizza.

Cicissisi is YOUR SPOT FOR st. patrick's day! Come on down for our Guiness sauce, potato crust, and the blood of your enemies. The Irish! They've contributed nothing. (I can say that I'm black)

Cicic is YOUR place for being readY for April Fool's day! We're closed! GET IT, FAGGOT!

Sisi'c is YOU ARE PLACE FOR mother's day. Call the forklift to get that fat bitch out of the tub and HEAD ON DOWN TO cici's where THE FAMILY EATS FREE and we PAY YOUR MOTHER TO EAT OUR FOOD. God bless her and shut ins all. Buy two and the third is WELFARE! Poor people NEVER BATHE here at Cici's!

Seesee'see is DAS BOOT for fath'ersssisi dayyyyy! Pry your dad away from your mom's facial punching bag for a few minutes and get a calming pizza injection for the rage. Once that taste hits the gullet, HE WON'T KNOW WHO TO BEAT TO A PULP!

Cici's, if you are reading this, you are fucking disgusting and my least favorite place to be on the planet. BUT YOU'RE ALSO THE PLACE FOR the fourth OF JULY. We set off fireworks in the bathrooms and SPARKLERS in the pizza! Like Pepperoni! Good, because we've put 1776 slices of pepperoni on every pepperoni pizza and WE WILL FUCK YOU! Happy birthday america! You are fatter than ever!

August blows, Cicis!

september 11th

halloween is the PLACE TO BE on cici's! we put razor blades in the pizza! then we feed it to you TORTURE STYLE. for those of you who don't know what dorture style is, it's a russian roulette lazy susan! i want to feed hipsters pipe bombs

THERE HAS BEEN LITERALLY ZERO THOUGHT PUT INTO THIS, ZERO, STOP READING YOU GODDAMN FOOL AND NEVER COME BACK, JESUS CHRIST

Rules of Improv Part Two

2011-11-17T13:11:00.000-08:00

Allow me to get this over with.

6. When improving, make extreme eye contact. Count the fucking rods in your ensembles' eyes. If they aren't giving you what you're giving, give more. If they give too much, give more. Improv!

7. Don't try to be funny.

8. Shit in a hat.

This is ridiculous

2011-11-14T19:32:00.000-08:00

Everyone knows radio is dead. Topical morning shows that make office talk sound like Lincoln-Douglass debates (I'm assuming those debates were off the chain). Horrible song rotations SALIVA FOUR O'CLOCK ROCK BLOCK SOCK FROCK. Political claptrap. And quite possibly the worst thing ever: sports talk.

But this takes the cake.

A regular Eliot Ness. I'm haunted by the one, the only, Kevin Trudeau.

I've posted about him before.

I know it's brokered programming, but this guy is a son-of-a-bitch lying tomato fart. Dude's a shyster, and yet radio stations allow him a forum to spit his grit? FOR SHAME. There are NO standards on radio EXCEPT the standards and practices put in place to ensure near death grandmothers aren't offended by spicy words like "underwear" and "President Obama." Kevin Trudeau would tell a child the cure to his polio was at the front of a moving train if it would make him sixty bucks. Kevin Trudeau once claimed the cure for aids was at his house. Then when people came to his house, he only had apple pie. One day, when Jesus comes, Kevin Trudeau will try to sell him the cure to stigmata, and Jesus will set him on fire and send him to hell. Kevin Trudeau would try to sell pudding to a koala (amirite?) Kevin Trudeau would tell a child the cure to pedophilia is at JERRY SANDUSKY'S HOUSE AMIRITE WELCOME TO TOPICALINARNIA! Kevin Trudeau would sell a baseball bat without peanut butter jelly. PEANUT BUTTER JELLY AND/OR A BASEBALL BAT? MY MIND FUCK?!?!

What I'm saying is, if reincarnation is real, Hitler is back y'all.

Rules of Improv! Part 1

2011-11-13T10:44:00.000-08:00

I'm taking Improv classes and boy are they taking advantage of my economic situation. Dire! It costs $350 to robot dance in a room like we're searching for that lobotomized sliver of brain pizza. We get teachers who really care about u$, I mean us. $$$$$$$$$$$$$

I mean that.

Improv brings together people of varying ambitions. There are the "hey I just had $350 lying around and a wife who can't stand me" and there are the "I'm the next JIM BELUSHI" and there are the "I'm JIM BELUSHI" and there are the "Is that JIM BELUSHI?" and there are the "Who's JIM BELUSHI?" and there are the theater cunts.

Yes and!

Improv is like a tootsie roll pop. We're trying to get somewhere by gradual licks until finally someone makes a double entendre, take a bite, turn out the lights SCENE. Short form improv hinges on which female can utter the most entendres and which male can have the most effeminate voice. At an improv show, one of these two things will happen multiple times, mark the fuck out of my words. Improv is exactly like everyday conversation, if you frequent bars for clowns. Speaking of clown bars, here's an example of an improv game!

185 clowns walk into a bar, the bartender says "We don't serve your kind here!" So the clowns say "Why's that, because I have a red nose?"

Laugh. Riot.

185 clowns walk into a bar, the bartender says "We don't serve your kind here!" So the clowns say "Why's that, because I'M BOOZO THE CLOWN AND SHIT"

As you can see, I've perfected the execution. I am the sensei of improv and I know the rules. Here they are:

1. Say Yes-and! Agree to all things.

2. Work with fat people. Mass times space equals audience approval.

3. Never give up on a scene, no matter how bad. It's you versus the world (The world hates improv)

4. Don't listen to your "internal censor." For normal people, this is the voice of reason. For entertainers, this is the voice that keeps them eating gas station soup and believing people want to hear their shit. I would make a great censor.

5. Speaking of internal censor, mine is telling me this sucks. So I'm going to stop. Part Two tomorrow maybe but hopefully not?

Immortals Review

2011-11-12T14:13:00.000-08:00

Want to see a movie directed by this guy?

Immortals.

Let's make this a ten minute review. So I will begin typing my review and I will not stop for ten minutes. No research from other website. When the clock hits 5:03 PM EST, I will begin....

Immortals involves the story of Gods and people living as one in Greece Island. Mickey Rourke plays Hyperion, who wants to kill Gods and men. The Gods don't appreciate this, but hey, there's a cigarette stain on my keyboard. The Gods and men speak in English accents despite knowing nothing of England. Blah blah blah. Zeus lightning bolts his taint by accident and Theseus, God of the maze, fights back. IT'S TIME TO FIGHT BACK MY FELLOW NEANDERTHALS. Be damned. I hate movies. Movies are so bad. Imagine all the time you've spent watching movies. What, like 10% were good? You could've been making movies during that time. Spill coffee in your hair if you watch a lot of movies. Immortals IT LOOKS PRETTY. The price of a movie and concessions could pay for a few meals. I want to drive into a movie theater during the morning kids shows. Lion King 3D, do you need that? I don't need that. I'll see the Lion King in hell. Immortals is probably about as good as those "what's in your wallet" viking commercials. Accurate garb, inaccurate depictions, BODY DOUBLE NUDITY. WILL FREIDA PINTO SHOW HER PINTOS? Gag. Who wants to see her naked? She looks like M. Night Sheboygan with a wig. The M is for masculine facial features. Everyone FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT. Mortal Kombat should be released once a month until people realize that fighting movies blow ass. This is an awful paragraph and if you are reading this far, email me and I will give you instructions on how to stab me in my sleep. I've earned it. I owe you better than this. I have let down blogs forever. I must pay. Immortals gets a negative fart out of dick.

Know your breed: French Bulldog

2011-11-11T20:57:00.000-08:00

This will suck. Here's a French bulldog:

Today marks the beginning of a new series entitled KNOW..........YOUR BREED! Here I will give you the nitty gritty and the titty shitty Haiti. God, I hate you. You bought a French bulldog? Come along as I tell you how to properly train and cohabit that dumb walrus-faced walking testicle. ZOOM!

French Bulldogs were invented in 1902 when evil rich people demanded a dog that was both ugly and stupid. Test breeds proved inconclusive, as the initial litters kept dying from "Is my food out the window?" syndrome. Eventually the dog was stupid enough to be ugly, and the dog sold like hotcakes. Unfortunately it was 1924, the year of the hotcake rebellion, so hotcakes were illegal. French bulldogs, also being illegal if you follow, were billyclubbed by the bucket by dogclubbers and former racist baseball great Ty Cobb of the Maine Billyclubbers owned by the Maine French Bulldog Euthanasia & Sons.

Eventually French bulldogs became a staple of American cuisine. In 1934, they were adopted as pets instead of food, although a man's house is his house, he shall do with it's inhabitants as he pleases. The temperament of a French bulldog is logy, gassy or borderline psychotic. If a French bulldog were a person, they'd claim to possess the Holy Grail while holding a decade old KFC bucket full of their own blood. Training a French bulldog is like being a hostage negotiator. They will not calm down, they will not back down, they will not give into any demands. They will, however, bite a baby's throat for a baby throat flavored doggy treat.

French bulldogs have "bat-like" ears, giving it a keen sense of hearing how much you hate it. They snore like they are eating a vacuum. Check nightly to make sure they are not eating a vacuum. They can be protective of useless shit, like your vacuum, but they won't actually protect ANYTHING. French bulldogs are DEAD LAST among all breeds in taking gunfire. If someone breaks in, you're better off picking up "Dr. Zhivago" and throwing him at intruders like a grenade of dumb. Ideal for city life, because awful fucks live in cities.

French bulldogs do not tolerate black children at play. I know! What the fuck is this dog's problem?

Unfortunately, a healthy French bulldog can live 12 years. Three presidential terms of this shit. Are you prepared for that? The barking? The snoring? The diarrhea art? The breathing?

French bulldogs overheat easily, so there's your alibi. I have officially given up on writing more STARTING NOW

Bil Keane died (and like a dick I am going to examine his creation)

2011-11-09T15:16:00.000-08:00

Family Circus came onto the scene in 1962. A time when not being funny was funny enough. Fast forward to today and if you are still alive, you still like Family Circus. It reminds you of a time when simplicity was the name of the racism. You miss racism. Everyone who likes Family Circus misses racism.

I don't mean to disparage Bil Keane this soon into the afterlife, but I was HIS BIGGEST FAN. LEFT TURN MOTHERFUCKERS, I LOVES ME SOME FAMBLY CIRCUSSSSSSSSSS.

And to prove it to you, check out my FIVE FAVORITE FAMBLY CIRKRUSSESESES.

Okay, MOST PEOPLE just pour ketchup on their fries. Perhaps liberally? But THIS bitch? She dressed her fries in ketchup. And not just ketchup BUT KETCH UP. This isn't about being funny, this is about being real. No one wants their fries to be naked, and everyone wants to be boring enough to create a tepid, milquetoast metaphor for POTATO PEOPLE.

How bout the rest of the family? Blown of mind! They've never looked at their fries that way. All they do is eat them. They don't know that FRENCH FRIES is PEOPLE Y'ALL!

Then look at that guy in the background. HE AIN'T SHIT. A child's imagination is God's sharpest double-edged sword.

Oh
hell
no
This child is FULL of ~~shit~~ IMAGINATION. The child KNOWS he's not watching a baseball game. However, he is so whimsical that when he sees a sign that shows a city and a number, he immediately imagines he's watching a baseball game. Rather than correct him, WE SHOULD NOURISH HIM.

"Yes Billy Circus, that sign only gives the score for one team."

Later in the Kitchen

"What do you mean, honey? Well, he's HAPPY. I'm not going to rain on his parade because he's wrong. And I will not allow you to! Let him think what he wants to think! I'M RAISING MY VOICE BECAUSE I WANT MY YOUNG CHILD TO GROW UP HAPPY AND I KNOW FULL WELL YOU ARE WORKING AGAINST ME!!! HOW DARE YOU QUESTION ME!!!! I'M BIL FUCKEANE KEANE!!!!!"

Bil Keane ~~hammerslapped~~ cherished his wife.

Pittsburgh 2, Imagination Sevenfinitwelve

Carrots have beta-carotene BUT FUCK THAT. NO NEED TO LEARN THAT SHIT. The PROOF is in the IMAAAAAAAAAAAAGINAAAAAAAAAAAAATIOOOOOOOOOOOON.

Rabbits? Do they wear glasses like the other animals?

These children will grow up to make some Juggalo the happiest person in the world.

Is it? Is it? Is it. Is it? IS IT? iS iT!

I don't know why I like this one. It's like grapefruit. I hate grapefruit.

Billy Circus leads a boring life. In this life, his day is made by the mundane discoveries most people would simply footnote in their brain. But Billy appreciates having a brain made entirely of said footnotes. His brain functions on the reception of useless principles. Cereal is made of wheat. Dog food is not for people. A verb is a noun. A noun is a noun. 'Word' is a noun. When Billy goes to school, rather than learning about the pH scale, he will be too busy drooling over the revelation that pH has a lowercase letter BEFORE an uppercase letter. He will stare at 'pH' for hours after class has ended, racking his shit brain for another example of a word like pH. Unable to find one, he will struggle with the new world he inhabits. A world that constantly destroys his preconceived notions of tedious truisms. He will ask himself again AND AGAIN "SHOULDN'T IT BE Ph!?!?!" And he will go home and say to his parents "SHOULDN'T IT BE BIG P LITTLE h?" And his parents will cry yet again because, by now, Billy Circus is 20, and he's flunked senior chemistry three times, always failing to grasp the concept of pH every fucking time. They have tested him for learning disabilities. No one tested him for boredom disabilities. No one.

But hey, dictionaries are funny!

The Circusses love to shout "BREAK OUT THE DICTIONARY"

This is one of my favorite things ever. It's called "Scott Meets Family Circus" by Scott Gairdner:

His website expresses how I feel about Family Circus better than I ever could. Bil Keane, you will be dead.