12 Seahawks Way

Steeler fans...so very, very classy

2009-01-19T00:12:00.000-08:00

I watched the AFC Title game with some Steeler fans. I'm not sure how my tongue survived, me biting it for the whole game and all, but I just thought I'd pass along some of my favorite quotes.

"That's the sort of the thing that Ravens and Seahawk fans bitch about!" Not sure what the call was on the field, but Baltimore was lobbying for something. I had not said anything about Super Bowl XL...and didn't plan to. Which made it priceless when about 5 plays later...

"That's a terrible call!" Haha, so its OK when YOU bitch. Got it.

While Santonio Holmes' no catch is being reviewed: "That's a touchdown...there's no way that's not!" Except for the part where the ball popped out when he hit the ground, signifying no possession. That damned possession rule. This play was referenced throughout the ballgame, and always as a way of how the referees were out to get Pittsburgh.

After the play is overturned: "That's bullshit!" ect.

Before Baltimore gets on the board, Pittsburgh's Washington gets called for PI. The responses to this were hilarious because 1) again with the whole hypocracy about complaining about officiating and 2) there was more contact on that then there ever was with Derrel Jackson in the endzone in Super Bowl XL. How I managed to not laugh was amazing.

"They always screw us over." O RLY?

Baltimore gets called for phantom roughing the kicker.

"THUGS! They're all thugs and should be in jail!" After they see the replay they quiet down. The bad call is later referred to as "an opportunity" because Steeler fans know what precious gifts horrible, horrible penalties are.

Repeated through game, anytime Flacco had more than 2 seconds to throw the ball "HOLDING!!!" Occasionally a Terrible Towel was thrown at the TV. How DARE the Ravens pick up a blitz?!?!? Surely they are using some illegal method to accomplish this.

It was all fairly tongue in cheek until Willis McGahee was injured in a brutal collision. Most fans would, I don't know, be respectful towards an injured player. Not this bunch.

"What a loser, stop whining." said when camera shows Ray Lewis, obviously praying for his teammate.

"This is taking way to long." Because medical personnel really want to rush a guy who may have brain or spinal damage off the field...RUB SOME DIRT ON IT!

"That's what they get for taking out Hines." Um..at least one other party goer told this individual to show some respect, but really?

Does this represent all Steeler fans? Probably not. Every fan base has their douchenozzles. But between the hypocrisy and the absolute lack of class for a seriously injured player this was a weird experience. They somehow made Pats fans seem tolerable.

Wear It

2008-12-28T20:04:00.000-08:00

Holmgren attempts to get back

2008-12-11T16:58:00.000-08:00

For a little background go here.

Now then...here's how that went down.

[Ghost of TV Present]

TV voice: And what an amazing play by Brett Favre! IT is simply incredible what he's doing! THIS IS EXACTLY WHY WE WILL BG HIM NOT TO RETIRE IN THE OFFSEASON!

Mike Holmgren:

Inside his head:

Cinderella - Don't know what you got (till it's gone) sélectionné dans Musique et Rock / Pop

Mike Holmgren: Sigh.....I'm going to miss this.

/does Rocky-esque montage of visiting Seattle sights including the Space Needle, Pike Place Market, and every Dick's Burgers franchise twice.

/sees young boy aspiring to be a head coach yelling at his friends

Mike Holmgren: I have to do it. I can't let this be my last season.

(looks at watch)

It's 6:05...I have just enough time to catch the 6:07 bus to get home and tell my wife.

/Lingers awhile looking at broken branch on the ground. Laughs slightly at irony. Hears bus drive away.

MH: Jimminy Christmas!

/walks home, though it takses long due to not being a montage.

The next day...Seahawks Headquarters...

MH: Tim! Tim! Tim!

Tim Ruskell: No, Mike, I will not keep a Gatorade cooler full of bisque on the sideline for your personal use, stop asking.

MH: No, no. That's not it at all!

TR: Really?

MH: Well, it'd still be neat, but no. I've made a decision about my leaving.

TR: (grabbing champagne bottle) THAT'S GREAT!!

MH: yeah, I thought about where this team is headed and my legacy...

TR: (humming Celebration)

MH: And I...I...

TR: (under breath) We're excited for Jim to take over early and start putting his stamp on this franchise...

MH: I want to come back next year.

TR: (drops bottle, jaw)

MH: We have some unfinished business! Let me try!

TR: Oh God, you saw Brett, didn't you?

MH: ....

TR: You did!

MH: ...yeah...

TR: HAHA, whatever dude. This team needs some fresh leadership.

MH: Ah, fooie. Oh well, I hear the weather in San Francisco is nicer anyway.

Mike Singletary: (drops pants) WHAT?!?

What happens when suck takes on blow?

2008-12-10T22:22:00.000-08:00

Last Sunday, like seemingly every other week this year, sucked. A lot. I could throw all sorts of "analysis" and "breakdowns" of the choke job, but thats using to many words. Suck will suffice.

If there's any team that can MAYBE relate to us, its the Rams. (The Lions are sort of used to this by now, yes?) The Rams got this lovely sense of false hope when they appointed their shitty defensive coordinator and they beat a Redskins team that didn't feel like playing and a Cowboys team that had some major boo-boos. Suddenly, at 2-4, it was ALMOST tolerable to live in St. Louis! Haha, then In bev bought Budweiser and the city sucks again. Let me illustrate what the last few weeks have done to the Rams and their fans.

Of course, the Rams should sort of be used to this as well. After all, Seahawks fans had been circling a late season date with Arizona to see if that might decide the NFC West. Well...not quite. They sort of wrapped that thing up last week. And somehow the 49ers and their pantsless coach are head of us. Jesus, this season has been drink-inducing, has it not?

If I could be involved in this after Seahawks losses, I'd be a better person.

So, here we go, two absolutely horrible teams playing for whatever resemblance of pride they have left. Meh, they can do whatever...I just found a better way to occupy my time

Sweet jesus, I could have myself a good time with that much bourbon!

Enjoy the game...I'm gettin' hammered!

Flex this

2008-12-05T20:32:00.000-08:00

The apperant Seahawks offense line gets ready to go to the scales...fuck, am I ever bitter about how this season has gone.

So, the Seahawks-Pats game has been "flexed out" by the NFL. Apparently, the league is sensitive to the mental state of your typical Seattle fan, and is sparing us from having to watch this team get slaughtered in prime time by Matt Cassell and his Band of Bastards that are still going to win the AFC East. Jesus, why can't our injury problems result in division titles? New England looses a pro bowler...magically they get a 3-time Super Bowl winning quarterback. he goes down...then Matt Cassell does this.

As much as the Seahawks frustrate me, I was looking forward to watching them since it feels weird when you want to drink because of the NFL.com Gamecast. Sure, Hass just got sacked...again. But what if its a coverage sack? No need to grab the bourbon bottle in that case. Or did the left side of the line starting dreaming about buckets of fried chicken and let Matt get decked? Well then, I need to go make my favorite cocktail. Its 1 part alcohol, 1 part more alcohol, and 4 parts more alcohol. Serve on ice, and hide cell phone. Its delicious!

Anyway, I was thinking about how if the NFL can flex out things that it doesn't want to see, why can't I?

Employee evaluations are probably coming up, since I've been working at my current job for almost a year. I'd like to flex this out, because I don't want the frustrating experience f getting a year's worth of feedback in ten minutes. I'd like to exchange this experience in favor of going to a carwash being conducted by bikini-clad wimmens.

Oh noes! What if K-Rob drops that sponge!

Hey, this flex thing is fun. Let's keep this going. I have to do some Holiday shopping, but the parking lot is just so crowded. How can I opt out of this? Um...another bikini car wash? That could work...but what about I get Santa's Big Chested Helper to do my shopping instead.

Hey, why are you looking up Mora to Huskies rumors! Get on Amazon...now!

This is going pretty good. But, don't get to spendy there, Santa's Big Chested Helper. I'm not exactly rich. Let's flex out my financial situation....

That'll do...um...Cindey? That seems like a good name for you!

So, instead of going to employee evaluations I went to a bikini car wash, had some sexy lady do my holiday shopping with money my stripper friend brings home. I could get used to this flexing thing.

Enjoy the game and its not starting at late at night!

Alan

Monday Morning LOLs-R-back

2008-11-10T12:22:00.000-08:00

Click Picture and Prepare to LYAO!

Seahawks Go Gently Into That Good Night...

2008-11-03T11:01:00.000-08:00

As always, click thumbnail image for punchline, then berate author in Comments section.

Happy LOL-o-Ween!

2008-10-31T08:29:00.000-07:00

In the spirit of the holiday, click each image to see if it's a TRICK or a TREAT!

Alan's Gambling Guide: Week 8

2008-10-25T18:50:00.001-07:00

Let's get right to it shall we?

Seattle (+5) over SAN FRANCISCO

Look, I've watched the Seahawks play like absolute shit the past few weeks. If this group has any pride, they can turn it around. No pressure from the home crowd, just go out and play. I know there's injuries, but if this team plays with passion, they can beat a team like 49ers.

BALTIMORE (-7) over Oakland

His win last week aside, Tom Cable sucks at coaching.

CAROLINA (-4) over Arizona

Coming off a bye and going cross country will make it tough for the Cards to find that rhythm again.

Tampa Bay (+2.5) over DALLAS

The Cowboys have some proving to do before I'd put money on them.

Washington (-7.5) over DETROIT

Bet against the Lions now, because they're about to win like three games to ensure a mediocre draft pick.

Buffalo (pk) over MIAMI

Should be a good ballgame, but Miami can be hit and miss.

NEW ENGLAND (-7.5) over St. Louis

The rams have played great ball the past two weeks, but the Patriots seem to have found their stride with Cassel.

San Diego (-3.5) over NEW ORLEANS

The Saints were only using those drugs to recover from jet lag, honest!

NY JETS (-14) over Kansas City

Throw to Laverneus Coles lots, for I need the fantasy football win.

Atlanta (+9) over PHILADELPHIA

The Eagles are good, but nine points is a bit much to give to a fairly talented Falcons team.

JACKSONVILLE (-7) over Cleveland

Can we put this game in prime time? Its the Browns...THEY MUST BE GOOD!

HOUSTON (-9.5) over Cincinnati

The Bengals without Palmer = somehow worse. You didn't think it could get that way.

NY Giants (+2.5) over PITTSBURGH

I smell an upset win here on the road.

Indianapolis (+4) over TENNESSEE

The Titans may walk away undefeated, but I think the Colts can keep it close.

Enjoy the games.

You can't fire me...I WEAR A SUIT

2008-10-21T09:05:00.000-07:00

What do you mean I'm fired? Me? Fired? That's impossible. That's like saying that silk ties don't improve defensive blitz packages.

What's that? They don't? LIES!

Now you're bringing in Singletary. Great. Did you see his glasses?

He looks like Urkel! I'll bet he hikes up his pants and wears suspenders at home! With that sort of fashion sense...this team can't possibly succeed.

Fine, if you people can't appreciate a good suit, silk ties, fine shoes, and the finest cufflinks this side of Italy, then you're beyond help.

Though I will miss San Francisco...the shopping here was fantastic.

Even Milk Doesn't Go Sour This Quickly

2008-10-20T06:37:00.000-07:00

As always, click picture for punchline.

Alan's Gambling Guide: Week 7

2008-10-18T20:05:00.000-07:00

Its late, I'm tired...so, just straight picks this week.

TAMPA BAY (-10.5) over Seattle

Its on the East Coast, and our defensive coordinator is still employed. Only comment I'll make.

San Diego (+1) over BUFFALO

New Orleans (+3) over CAROLINA

CHICAGO (-3) over Minnesota

Pittsburgh (-9.5) over CINCINNATI

Tennessee (-9) over KANSAS CITY

Baltimore (+3) over MIAMI

NY GIANTS (-10.5) over San Francisco

Dallas (-7) over ST. LOUIS

Detroit (+10) over HOUSTON

Indianapolis (-1) over GREEN BAY

NY Jets (-3) over OAKLAND

WASHINGTON (-7.5) over Cleveland

NEW ENGLAND (-3) over Denver

The LOLHawks Never Give Up, Never Surrender

2008-10-14T01:48:00.000-07:00

Did Brad Johnson Buy His Helmet at a Yard Sale? Or Is He Just Cheap?

2008-10-12T18:16:00.000-07:00

Something caught my eye at the end of regulation in the Cards-Cowboys matchup. Brad Johnson takes the field as the holder for the potential game-tying field goal.

You know those little green circle stickers they put on the back of helmets, signifying the radio inside? Check out Johnson's:

Apparently someone though it would be funny to make it look like a yard sale sticker, and write "$1.00" on is with a sharpie.

Nice. Wish I'd thought of that. Brad just sits around like a cheap lamp nowdays, anyway.

This Was Not Just a Loss

2008-10-12T17:49:00.000-07:00

This was a realignment.

Last Wednesday, Holmgren lit into the team with what was termed as a 'truth session." In the moment of truth, in five successive games, the Seahawks have shown who they really are.

Now they must find a way to come to terms with being identified with a horrible record. They have lost their swagger, their pride, and their enjoyment. You can't just fake it back. The only thing that gets it back is hard teamwork and faith.

So now, how will the Seahawks respond? How will the fans respond? Neither have been in this position for quite a few years.

But wait, it gets worse: Now Seattle heads to road games in Tampa and San Francisco, followed by Philly at home, then a road trip to Miami.

Not good.

But you have my promise: I will not lose my sense of humor. And I will not give up.

/dick joke?

Ask the two creepy guys watching the Mist tryouts

2008-10-10T17:06:00.001-07:00

As you may have heard, The Seattle Mist are ~~already the best football team in Seattle~~ holding tryouts. Ok, they already held them. These two guys did their best not to hold on to their own flagpoles while doing nothing to disprove everyone's favorite sterotype of construction workers: they womanize!

I'm sure there was plenty of cat calling going on at the tryouts by these two guys, who surely sound like Scruffy the Janitor from Futurama. However, they weren't just staring at the long legs and nice breasts out there, these two guys have some pretty good football knowledge. So, I've asked them so questions about the Seahawks and the NFL.

Q: So, after a 1-3 start, can the Seahawks turn this thing around?
A: Look at that one! She catches about as good as that Stevens fellow, but she has some great tits....

(trails off)

(awkward silence)

Q: Speaking of people who can't catch, how about Koren Robinson's return. Will he ever make a difference?
A: .....

Q: OK then, with Matt Hasselbeck probably out this Sunday, what's the key for the Seahawks against the Packers?
A: .....

Q: Last question, since you're obviously busy, what can the Seahawks do to light a fire under their damn asses?
A: First off, I'd like to light a fire under HER ass. Secondly, fire Marshal.

Thanks creepy guys watching the mist tryouts! Now, let's handicap this week's games...

Green Bay (+1.5) over SEATTLE

Hasselbeck likely out, no pass rush, John Marshall somehow still having a job (can we blame him for the economic collapse?) Yeah, I'm not looking forward to this one.

Chicago (-2.5) over ATLANTA

The Bears' defense is looking good, and Orton doesn't totally suck balls. So, Chicago's got that going for it.

NEW ORLEANS (-7) over Oakland

Al Davis has just blown the minds of everyone in Idaho by naming Tom Cable head coach. You could hear Vandal Nation go, "BWAH?" except for one minor detail: Idaho fans don't exist.

Carolina (+1.5) over TAMPA BAY

I don't care about this game so....

WASHINGTON (-13) over St. Louis

The Rams: promoting the only defensive coordinator more incompetent than Marshall to head coach. Let's see how this one plays out.

Cincinnati (+8) over NEW YORK JETS

Have the Bengals played at home yet? At the Giants, at the Cowboys, and at the Jets. And they're nearly won two of those weeks, and I think they'll fall just short again.

MINNESOTA (-13) over Detroit

Why don't the Lions play the Rams this year? Secondly, I still think the worst four teams in the NFL should play after the end of the season, just so we can answer questions like "who sucked more?" Besides, then Lions fans would shut up about never making the postseason.

Miami (+3) over HOUSTON

Houston failing to close out a football game? That's never happened before...

And I have to do this, its posting the YouTube video of ESPN's highlights from that game. Notice two things: TV graphics have made HUGE improvements since then and Chris Berman was just as annoying back then.

INDIANAPOLIS (-4) over Baltimore

I think Peyton's back. You?

DENVER (-3.5) over Jacksonville

I don't know what Denver team is going to show up, but I don't think the Jaguars will be bouncing back from that physical MNF game this week.

Dallas (-5) over ARIZONA

Of course, the week I do decide to place bets, I do a three team parlay. I figure, why not profit on Seattle's inability to win on the East coast and after a bye? Check. The Colts beating the Texans? Dramatic check. The Bills just needing to beat the toothless Cardinals. Goddamnit.

PHILADELPHIA (-5) over San Francisco

I'm still mad about that Bills game now that I've reminded myself of it.

SAN DIEGO (-5.5) over New England

The Patriots might have been able to take care of business against a team like San Fran, but making two cross country trips in a row and then playing a real football team? Not happening. And no, I will not look at the current NFC West standings.

New York Giants (-5.5) over CLEVELAND

Awesome, we get to watch the Browns suck in Prime Time...again. I'm almost glad I have a meeting to cover that night.

Enjoy the games...and the Mist!

Your Candidate Sucks!

2008-10-10T13:44:00.001-07:00

With a hat tip to PunditKitchen.com for the Po-LOL-itical cartoons above, we invite the 12 Seahawks Way readers to vent their political views and humorous slings and arrows about the "other" candidate.

(I'm really just trying to provide a playground for these topics now that they're taboo over at www.SeahawkBlue.com!)

Let's See If Tim Ruskell Can Take A Hint

2008-10-08T09:30:00.000-07:00

Hat tip to my buddy Fulchalin and his new avatar over at SeahawkBlue.com

.

Anyone Else Smell Burnt White Toast?

2008-10-07T11:25:00.001-07:00

Click Photo For Payoff.

Hey Matthew, Tell Me How My Azz Taste

2008-10-07T07:27:00.000-07:00

In case you're not a hoops fan, or you've been living under a rock the past 12 months and you don't get the caption, play the video below.

A Pictorial Essay on the Throbbing Pain of Seahawks Fandom

2008-10-06T00:09:00.000-07:00

Note to all my fellow Seahawks fans:

I mask the horrible pain with humor. Please oblige.

Hey! Look over there!

2008-10-05T13:15:00.001-07:00

Jim Zorn is doing well. Hey, maybe we shouldn't have let him go.... Oh well, if you can't be happy for Zorn, then may I suggest:

Saturday O/T: What really happened when the world's smallest man met the woman with the longest legs

2008-10-04T13:58:00.000-07:00

First of all, He Pingping is a cool little dude. Standing at 2'5" he runs his own restaurant and talks like a chipmunk. He's officially been named the world's smallest man.

Svetlana Pankratova, meanwhile, owns the longest legs in the world, which stretch to 4'4".

Together, they made for a strange but entertaining photo opportunity. Check out this clip - but especially watch for Pinping taking a little peek-peek up Svetlana's barren gulag:

That dude kills me. I wonder if they hooked up afterwards? If they did, I hope she tied a broom handle around his ass to keep him from falling in.

In any case, what you don't see here is what he was really looking up at. For that, you had to see it form this difficult-to-obtain view of a innocent, bystanding ground squirrel:

Poor feller. I bet he swears off nuts.

[rathergood]

Alan's Gambling Guide: Week 5

2008-10-03T22:30:00.000-07:00

I just got back from doing color from a high school football game, so...I'm going to rush through these.

Blah, blah...home team in caps...you know the drill.

NEW YORK GIANTS (-7) over Seattle

Its not only after a bye week, but also in the Eastern Time Zone. The NFL is IN THE TANK for the Cardinals. Its so obvious, you betcha.

Tennessee (+3) over BALTIMORE

The Titans: The most underwhelming undefeated team....ever.

PHILADELPHIA (-6.5) over Washington

You'd think I'd be drinking the Zorn kool-aide, especially after last week's win, but I'm not feeling the two upsets in a row.

San Diego (-6.5) over MIAMI

I have nothing to say about this game...so....um....

(That picture was taken in Porn Valley, according to Google. I know where my next vacation is!

Chicago (-3.5) over DETROIT

Remember like a month ago when people were talking about an all Chicago World Series? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Oh, and fuck Chicago.

GREEN BAY (-4) over Atlanta

Matt Ryan doesn't do well against good defenses. This analysis brought to you by...GENERIC! GENERIC, when its 12:45 in the a.m.

Indianapolis (+3) over HOUSTON

What have the Texans done to make us think their within a field goal of the Colts? I forget.

Kansas City (+9.5) over CAROLINA

The Chiefs, since you have no idea what they might do from week to week, might just pull a shocker and stay within a touchdown.

DENVER (-3) over Tampa Bay

I know its been a few years since he was in the division, but even when Mike Shanahan was being his charming self joking about Al Davis, I was still kind of hoping he'd get impaled by a microphone or something. I still hate Denver.

Buffalo (+1) over ARIZONA

And the linemakers get in their jolly good laugh of the week. 4-0 Buffalo vs The Fightin Fumblers of Phoenix! (technically, that is alliteration.)

New England (-3) over SAN FRANCISCO

Much like Stewie Griffin, Tom Brady wants to change the name of San Francisco to "Heaven"...just, not for the shoes.

(I'm calling him gay)

DALLAS (-16) over Cincinnati

Chad Johnson (I don't care what he changed his name to) said he'll kiss the star if he scores. Remember when he would score touchdowns and you wondered what he would do, and he had the "Who covered 85?" list? Now doesn't he seem like some burnt out star that crashed before it reached potential? See, that isn't so much an analogy as much as its fact.

JACKSONVILLE (-4) over Pittsburgh

Dear NFL Media: The Steelers aren't that good. Thank you.

Minnesota (+3) over NEW ORLEANS

Lane Kiffin looks over the Vikings sidelines and says..."Soon....soon..."

Enjoy the games. I was something and something last week, but am too lazy to look it up now. Sleep time!