14 Legs

10 Ways to Retain Your Player

2013-01-30T17:10:00.000-06:00

A long long time ago, before the age of iOS and Android, mobile phone games were pretty crap.

Eight years ago it was a new and growing market and I had tons of fun trying to fit some of the world's biggest game franchises into mobile devices that were about as suitable for gaming as your average microwave. Resident Evil, Need for Speed, Final Fantasy, Project Gotham Racing, Sims - each game genre brought with it new design challenges.

Back then almost all the phone games (that made money) were malformed bastardized versions of current hit console and PC franchises. The hardware was constrained in terms of performance and the clunky phone keys weren't the ideal game controller. Considering these limitations, we made some awesome games back in those days. But if you don't consider those limitations (and why should you), these games were somewhat bleh.

Getting an hour and a half of gameplay for a couple of dollars seemed like good value. In fact, it was an act of mercy, as playing through those games, for the most part, was about as fun as flossing. So it was all about getting the player to finish the game before the "hey look, Resident Evil on my phone" novelty wore off.

Those days are over. Touch screen devices have amazing games. I find myself playing on the iPad more than any other platform. It's not a perfect gaming platform, especially not for games that try to emulate console games, it's the one I'm most excited about both as developer and gamer.

Suddenly getting your customers out the door as fast as you can is no longer necessary.

In fact, keeping players engaged with your game for longer is beneficial for both player and developer. The player develops an emotional attachment to the game and a sense of accomplishment and investment over a long period of time.

For the developer user retention is important for the following reasons:

1. Cross promotion and visibility. Your games can cross-promote each other whenever new games or updates are released, but that is only effective if people are still playing the older games.

2. Most of the revenue in the app store comes from in-app purchases. Monetize your game correctly and wisely and you would have every reason to want people to play your game for as long as possible.

3. Word of mouth. The longer players play your game, the more likely they are to tell others about the game, recruit other players for in-game rewards, blog or tweet about it.

User retention should not be confused with marketing. It's not about getting new players, it's about keeping the players you did get for as long as possible. One of the positive rewards is a boost in marketing, but it is not a marketing strategy in its own right. For example, having an awesome cliffhanger in a TV show is going to ensure many viewers return the next week, but it's not going to get new viewers to tune in right away. On the other hand when people keep hearing how awesome that TV show is, they are more likely to eventually give it a chance.

There are many ways to facilitate user retention. The best one is having a good game underneath it all. Some games are so addictive and fun they don't really need to seduce the player to stick around.

But don't despair even if your game is terrible. Quality is not necessary. Farmville offers practically no gameplay beyond mindless clicking, but it has done a fantastic job hooking players. A bit like a crack-cocaine addiction, only it carries a more devastating social stigma.

Here are super simple ways in which you can increase your game's user retention:

1. Achievements

Achievement whore is a term that was coined for a reason. It can become very addictive to collect these virtual badges with points that mean absolutely nothing to anyone. It's supposedly something that is meant for bragging rights, but in fact nobody in all of existence ever, except you, cares about your gamer score. No one. In fact, the only reason you care about it is because you think others might care too. They don't. Yet, it is still for some reason fun to unlock achievements. Perhaps it is just because people like to feel good about themselves.

Achievements can range from accomplishing extra difficult tasks beyond the main scope of the game - like getting ridiculously high combo in a fighting game, or it can simply reward tedious grinding for performing the same action 1000000 times.

If the achievements strike the player as too difficult or time consuming they are going to give up on them fairly soon, so while it should be a long tunnel, there should always be light at the end. Done correctly achievements can help draw a map for the player that takes them on a longer path through the game.

2. Missions

Missions are similar to achievements, but have a different focus. There are usually only three missions active at one time, replaced with new missions as they are beaten and they almost always reward the player with in-game currency and rewards (coins, experience points, etc.). Missions are especially effective in endless games as having three different active missions changes the focus of the game and adds variety to each session. It is usually accompanied by a progression ladder that gives the game structure it would otherwise lack.

A missions system kept me playing through games like Punch Quest, Zombie Tsunami, Into the Dead and Jetpack Joyride far longer than I would have otherwise.

Into the Dead

3. Upgrades

Upgrades are an artificial way to make the player better at the game. Suddenly you get further and score better, but it's not necessarily because you honed your skills to perfection as much as the fact that you bought in-game upgrades that improve your stats and overall make the game easier. Why bother trying to shoot a duck with a small gun when you can use a heat seeking rocket launcher instead? Or a nuclear bomb? The player needs to invest a significant amount of time to grind all the currency needed to buy all the upgrades. This is also a good opportunity for monetization as you can offer lazy players a shortcut and offer the upgrades faster for real world money.

Upgrading is a basic concept lifted from the Role Playing genre and tweaked to fit more casual games, especially endless games. Together with the missions system, it's another way to offer a sense of progression and development when you're in fact still playing the same two minutes over and over again.

Two games with very addictive upgrade systems are the endless runners One Epic Knight and Jetpack Joyride.

One Epic Knight

Jetpack Joyride

4. Daily Rewards

Tempt your players to log into your game at least once a day. They might not even play the game beyond loading it and claiming the rewards, but it's a great opportunity to flash any news about upcoming updates or perhaps other games you're about to release - or just flash obnoxious ads in their face. You grab the player's attention for a few priceless seconds, so you had better put it to good use.

The problem with rewards is that if you give the players too much you break your virtual economy and if you give them too little you insult their intelligence (it's worrying how many games do the latter and actually get away with it). A good solution is to create a growing reward ladder that increases every consecutive day of logging in, or alternatively offer the player a scratch card with a good chance of winning something substantial - harmlessly scratching the gambling itch at the same time.

Snoopy's Street Fair rewards you with a generous portion of deluxe currency every five days, but only if you keep logging every day.

5. Come Back or the Puppy Dies

Why lure players back with the promise of rewards when you can do it with the threat of punishment? If the player doesn't log in regularly their crop will wither, their pets will die an agonizing death, their wife will leave them and take the kids, their fortress will be invaded and burnt to the ground and all the toilet paper will be used up.

"My fake veggies have withered... :-("

If your game succeeds in compelling the player to visit on an hourly basis, giving up on their social life, responsibilities and sleep, you are going to be a very rich person.

Though a lot of good all that money is going to do you in HELL.

6. Regular Updates

Once you train your players to expect regular updates, they will look forward to them. Many times players like a game, but they have no idea if the developer is still supporting it.

There are clever ways to let players know that new content is on the way. 1000 Heroz promised players a new level every day for 1000 days until the whole game was released. Angry Birds Rio had empty place holders for future content with a date on each spot telling the players when to expect it.

Angry Birds Rio

7. Seasonal Content

Seasonal content puts people in a festive mood, but also has a delightful sense of urgency to it as it offers unique rewards that expire when the holiday ends until the same time next year. So for a short period of time players are urged to play your game more to ensure they don't miss out on limited time rewards. The rewards are usually cosmetic, which doesn't make them any less rewarding to the target audience that is obsessed with collecting and showing off their virtual items.

And don't forget to update the app's icon to reflect the holiday by sticking a Christmas hat or a jack-o-lantern on it. All the cool kids are doing it, so it must be the thing to do.

Reflecting current holidays and seasons also tells the player that the game is currently being supported by the development team. Just remember to remove the Christmas decorations by March or the whole thing will backfire.

8. Community

This one is a tricky one to pull off and must be tailored to the type of game you have. It can be a lot of work which does not always recoup the time and effort invested, so tread carefully.

Does your game allow your players to show their creativity? Can they share their cleverness with other players?

My Singing Monsters invited users to send clips of them singing different parts and then assembled it into a silly little video.

My Singing Monsters

Carmageddon lets players record themselves flattening pedestrians and crashing into other cars and then upload the videos directly to Youtube.

Carmageddon iOS

Snoopy's Street Fair provides you with a photo booth in which you can take pictures with Snoopy characters.

Snoopy's Street Fair

Other games capitalize on the fact that they offer complex gameplay and provide players with forums in which they can discuss strategy and exchange tips.

9 collectibles

Collectibles could be done cleverly, intelligently rewarding exploration and time investment, or they could be a half assed throwaway. In both cases it's likely to get players to play the game a bit longer than they would otherwise.

If your game world is bland and badly designed adding collectibles for the player to collect is basically just twisting the knife. Looking for hidden treasures in Aquaria is rewarding because it is already fun to explore that beautiful world.

Aquaria

Crackdown is an immensely repetitive and average 3rd person shooter that is saved by a side mission to find hidden orbs. Scaling the environments in search for audio and visual hints for orb locations is some of the most fun I ever had in a videogame.

Crackdown

10. Replayability

If your game is fun people are likely to play through it again. This can be further encouraged by adding more layers of complexity to the game. Offer additional side challenges, offer a medal system that encourages to beat the same challenges with better scores. Unlock hidden harder levels. This is the user retention technique with the best nutritional value that veteran gamers will really appreciate. It only works if your game is good enough and fun enough to justify a return visit.

But seriously, none of these techniques are an alternative to having a good game. There are enough crap games out there. Not all of the listed user retention methods might suit your game, so don't bend backwards like a pretzel trying to fit them in. But give it a thought and see which ones make sense for your game.

That's it for user retention. Next week we'll discuss water retention.

(not really)

Mickey

New Apple Products Reveal

2012-11-24T23:20:00.000-06:00

After a long hiatus, I am back! And look at that, the first 14 Legs video.

--Mickey

Blake Version 4.0

2012-06-08T15:44:00.001-05:00

Blake turned four two weeks ago.

It still hasn't quite sank in. For some reason the first three birthdays weren't such a big deal, but the fourth one caught me by surprise. I used to jokingly refer to Blake as "half-baby", but that is no longer the case.

He really is a little human being with opinions, demands, preferences and hobbies. I think the big thing that changed is the fact that he is now at an age which I have memories of my own childhood. Sure, I don't remember everything from the time I was four, but the few memories I do have are vivid, like a sitcom's clipshow featuring the best moments from past episodes.

I remember getting a Mickey Mouse ice lolly which I thought was beautiful and I licked it very carefully to maintain the Mickey Mouse shape. It was a beautiful, colourful ice sculpture. Then I licked off one of the ears and burst into tears. I remember the enormity of my sadness. And I remember deciding to try out my new sneakers by kicking one of the older kids really hard - the kicking was good! I remember getting lost in a theme park, ruining the day for all three families as everyone were looking for me for hours.

And I remember the excitement when my dad used to come home from work. The jingle of his keys in the door and our dog Bobby barking as we ran to the door to welcome him: my brother, me and Bobby. I remember how it felt to hug my dad as a little boy, feeling his shirt against my face. We'd then proceed to loot my dad's lunchtime treats which he kept for us every day: a bottle of malt beer and a chocolate bar which we promptly took to the kitchen to divide. My brother would obsess about dividing things equally, measuring everything with rocket engineering precision.

And now I am the dad who is coming home. It's my keys that jingle in the door to alert the dogs and I am the one who is now welcomed every day by a trio of cuties: Blake, Leo and Dexter. And while I don't bring with me any treats, Blake steals my Iconia (iPad for poor people) so he could play his favourite games on it.

It hit it me that this is going to be a childhood memory for him years from now when I'll be long gone. If I think about it too much my brain will melt.

It's all good.

On a side note, Blake has also started playing games properly. If before he just enjoyed interacting with things randomaly, now he's actually trying to figure out the rules of the games and win. His favourite at the moment is undoubtedly Running Fred and he's pretty good at it. Check out how he times his jumps and double jumps like a pro.

I'm so proud. I'll be even prouder when he starts kicking my ass.

On another side note, a sider note, Blake is also obsessed with planets. It started with the moon and expanded to the entire solar system. Saturn is particularly liked. So we got Blake a solar system model for his birthday. As you can see, he is fairly fond of it.

--Mickey

Gayianitism : The Religion of Fab

2012-05-05T20:46:00.000-05:00

Christian protesters at London gay pride 2006

The biggest obstacle to gay rights is religion. There is no question about it. There are many religious people who are against gays and more often than not these people think that not letting them discriminate against gays is an infringement on their right to practice their religion and worship their God.

I'll repeat myself for those sitting at the back: some people actually think that it's OK for them to hate and discriminate against gays and at the same time be themselves immune to any form of criticism because the right to practice a religion is protected. Apparently.

With the excuse of religion gay people are constantly oppressed and killed. Are gay people killing religious people? Are gay people campaigning to revoke the right of religious people to marry? Are gay people trying to force religious people to abandon their faith or convert? Not really. Yet many religious people have the audacity to play the victims in the battle for equal rights.

Annoyed? Very much.

So I propose my solution. The only way to fight the faith criticism shield is to establish homosexuality as a religion. Yes, it's a ridiculous concept, but then again all religion is ridiculous. We can do it.

It seems that the biggest difference between a "cult" and a "religion" is how big it is and how long it has been around, so the first few years are going to be difficult, but we should brave through them. Just look at Scientology: they're fairly new, have to deal with a lot of unfair crap (they aren't more ridiculous or dangerous than any other religion after all) and yet not only are they still around, they are also championed by an impressive a-list celebrity roster.

Needless to say that means that phase 1 will include reaching out to the biggest gay celebrities and recruiting them early: Ellen DeGeneres, Stephen Fry, Neil Patrick Harris, Ian McKellen, Rosie O'Donnell, Rachel Maddow, Anderson Cooper, Elton John, Tom Cruise - all of them. We need them to go out there and start spreading the word.

Obviously we'd need a word to spread first. So here it goes:

Our deity is called Gosh, so when we want to be all spiritual we say "oh my Gosh" and gently place our right hand on our right cheek to indicate our awe. It works.

We need a bullshit origin story. The whole Jesus-died-for-your-sins story is probably the most successful so we shouldn't veer from that too much. You know what they say: Don't mess with the classics. If it ain't brokeback don't mount it. Maybe not very original, but considering that Christianity ripped off tons of pagan traditions and got away with it that shouldn't be a problem.

As for a Jesus figure we are spoilt for choice. We have a huge selection of gay people who were murdered brutally: Matthew Shepard or Harvey Milk are great iconic choices, but we have essentially an endless and ever-growing list of candidates.

Our holy symbol will be the pink triangle and we can even make a triangle sign by touching each shoulder and then the groin. I love it!

Straight people are welcome to convert, but once converted they must have a lot of gay sex whether they like it or not because it says you should in our yet to be written holy book, the Buttble. So you just do what the book says because.

Once we establish our religion we'll enjoy great tax breaks, but also be able to hold our ground in arguments against people of other faiths. Rather than use arguments based on common sense, compassion and integrity, we could just flail our arms hysterically and thump some holy book.

We fight for the rights of gays to get married not because it's the decent thing to do, but because there is a quote about it in an old book. You'd be surprised how much more effective this type of argument will be in some circles.

We can still carry on using the rational and intelligent gay rights strategy where it works. It certainly does work on occasion but on many others it simply doesn't. And when it comes to ignorant idol-worshipping lemmings we simply bring it down to a level they understand by speaking their language.

I'm not quite sure how to get this thing started and will appreciate any help in the matter. Maybe a Kickstarter project? I know it's going to be a long and challenging uphill battle to get this religion going, but some suffering will add an edge of authenticity.

Dibs on the Pope job.

Let's do it.

May Gosh be with you.

--Mickey

Mom's The Word?

2012-03-14T10:25:00.000-05:00

There is something that bothers me as a father. Not as a gay father - I'm sure it would have annoyed me even if I was married to a woman. It's not something that makes me lose sleep or want to punch a hole in the wall, but it bothers me nonetheless.

It's hard to avoid it, it's everyhwhere: magazines, blogs, advertisements. It seems as if mothers are somehow considered to be "more parents" than fathers.

A certain food product is the "choice of mothers", because we all know fathers are incapable of choosing anything in the supermarket other than their favourite beer brand. An article discusses the pros and cons for a mother to go back to full time work, because it is an indisputable fact that fathers must get back to work two weeks after the birth of their child - there's not even a question about it.

Back in London when I was hanging out with a much younger Blake I did get occasional comments along the lines of "are you babysitting today?" and "Mommy has the day off today?" Because it's so rare and unnatural for a father to spend time with a very young child...

Now I can see how this view can bother some feminists (I say some, as I consider myself to be one). We live in an undeniably patriarchal society where women suffer from many forms of discrimination, so on top of everything I now come and demand to take their sacred motherhood status away.

I'm sorry, but just as it's wrong for a man to get paid more for doing the same job as a woman just because he has a penis, it's also wrong to assume someone can be a more nurturing parent just because they have a vagina. If you are a good parent take pride in that and don't bring your gender into it.

You might argue that it's biological: mothers carry their children inside them for nine months. The babies grow inside them, literally starting out as part of them. Then they bond intimately over breast feeding.

That is awesome and I can't dismiss that unique connection between mother and child. I'm even a bit jealous. But what does it mean, really? Are we saying that mothers who adopt, use surrogacy or choose not to breastfeed are somehow second rate mothers? And in the long run how much do pregnancy and breastfeeding weigh against actually spending 18 years raising your child, nurturing and guiding them into adulthood?

I'll close with the story of Patrick Henry Hughes and his dedicated father, who makes us all look bad with his amount of dedication to his child. His personal sacrifices and love make him a great parent, not his gender.

Mickey

Introducing Fowl Moon

2012-03-13T22:35:00.002-05:00

I'm trying out a new blog that focuses on videogame development (that's what I do for a living in case you don't know). First post just went up. Check it out if you're into games!

http://fowlmoon.com/blog/

Mickey

Canada's South Park

2012-03-08T13:00:00.003-06:00

Ah, bless you, people of Altona, Manitboa. Just when I complain about a lack of inspiration to write, you bunch of neandrethal, knuckle-dragging, bible-thumping block heads give me something to write about.

First let me clarify: not all of the people of Altona are like that. Obviously the fact that there is a conflict is a sign that there are plenty of good and loving people in Altona, religious and otherwise, but they have lost the current round in the battle for human rights. As it is now, Altona is shaping up to become Manitoba's own little South Park.

Quick summary of my previous post on this issue: A couple of grade 4-6 teachers placed cards of support for LGBT rights, which I thought was awesome and wished some of my teachers did it when I was a kid. In response a bunch of overly religious parents protested and demanded that the cards will be removed so they could ensure that their children will grow up to be ignorant homophobes like their parents.

Well, now they won.

While the school originally backed their teachers, they now decided to remove the cards altogether and instead issue a generic anti-bullying program. Why on earth did they not have an anti-bullying program already in place is a different matter, but the results of its absence are already quite evident by the way some of the parents turned out.

Here is the thing though: in Canada the fight for gay rights has already concluded with a sweeping victory for human rights. This is why I chose to move here with my family. There are some small battles still being waged across the land by pockets of insurgents, but it's only a matter of time before they'll seep underground to the same dark place racism now resides in.

The parents' main false argument was that "their children are too young to learn about sex and especially about different sexual orientations."

It's a weak argument for the following reasons:

1. Kids start learning about sex from the first time they touch their sex organs and wonder what they are for.

2. It's best to make sure kids learn the correct information - and on time. Children need to find out about sex before it's an issue, not after the fact. Same with all forms of bigotry: you don't just try to combat it, you should do your best to prevent it from ever manifesting.

3. Teaching kids about homosexuality is not the same as teaching them about sex. Kids understand the concept of couples: mommy and daddy, grandma and grandpa, uncle and aunty - etc.. You just teach them that some couples can be two boys or two girls and they love each other just the same way. The end!

See how I magically went through the explanation without talking about butt-sex? I'm a wizard with words.

--Mickey

Slow News Year

2012-03-06T20:21:00.003-06:00

I haven't been writing too much this year, mostly to avoid repetition and writing posts that are too similar to previous ones. Leo is still limping, Blake is still incredibly adorable, Winnipeg is still cold but awesome and there are plenty of homophobes out there in the world being idiots. Cut and paste. The downside of having a blissfully boring life is that it doesn't make for exciting blog writing.

So here's a photo of Blake and sled, his daily commute to his nursery school. Hopefully this will do until inspiration strikes again.

Mickey

13 Legs

2012-02-17T13:46:00.001-06:00

Poor Leo.

Two weeks ago Leo started limping. This has immediately got us worried. The last time Leo limped it required an operation to repair the cruciate of the left stifle that was fortunately covered by the insurance. Since then his leg has been excluded from any future insurance plans which would mean having to pay for it out of pocket which might be impractical - especially considering Leo's creeping age and the inevitable future complications.

An X-Ray of Leo's Bionic Leg from late 2010

So the first thought that crossed our minds when we saw Leo limping was the possibility of putting him down, right around the 3rd anniversary of losing our first Great Dane, Dexter's predecessor, Kato.

It was not the most cheerful thought, but before we get to it, we'll need to go a few days before Leo started limping. If TV shows and movies can use the cheap trick of tedious flashbacks and flash-forwards to grasp the audience's attention, then so can I.

A FEW WEEKS AGO

Leo and Dexter have really settled in their new Winnipeg home. The family room downstairs has become the dog room where they spend a lot of the time napping. Blake also uses it to watch Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and even Miron and I occasionally insert ourselves for some quality Judge Judy viewing. One of the smaller rooms in the house, but when we are all together in it (Judge Judy included), also the funnest and happiest.

A new routine we introduced a few weeks ago is the Sunday outing for the dogs. After Blake's swimming lesson we'd go back home, stick the dogs in the back and drive them somewhere outside of town where they can run freely and stretch their legs. Even at the coldest weather it's doable as long as they are back in the car before they freeze solid into massive dogsicles. Dexter really needs those bursts of unrestrained sprints. The first time he ran so quickly and so far I thought we would never see him again. Fortunately he did come back to us after completing a lap around planet Earth. Dexter puts Leo to shame, but on his own Leo's fitness is very impressive for a 6 1/2 year old Great Dane with a bionic leg.

While there are two dog beds on the floor of the family room, Leo also enjoys lying on the sofa bed whenever he can. As a result it's very common to see Blake and Leo together on the sofa refining their cuddle techniques while watching Mickey Mouse Clubhouse.

Meanwhile Dexter is... Dexter.

Anyway, so then on Friday night two weeks ago Leo started limping and we got very worried. What could it be? Our biggest worry was that the same cruciate thing happened to his other hind leg. We were warned it may happen: after one leg has been operated on the healthy leg would be used more and be at increased risk. Then we realized that it can't be the same thing as Leo was limping on his bad leg that was already been operated on, not the healthy one. It was a medical mystery worthy of Doctor Gregory House.

Miron and I pooled together our veterinary medical knowledge in order to solve the mystery which resulted in not solving the mystery due to us having zero medical knowledge.

Blake has detected that his buddy was misreable and commenced unprompted to cuddle with him on the floor, a gesture that didn't go unappreciated.

Poor Leo peed on one of the beds which needed to be washed, so when Dexter cuddled with him they had to share one tiny bed between them.

There were many cuddles for the next week as we hoped to see improvement. I spent the first two nights in the family room to keep Leo company. We were afraid to go to the vet and get terrible news. Then each day Leo's leg got better and he started using it more and more. By Tuesday he was actually placing weight on it and his limp was barely noticeable. I had other worries on my mind, so it was such a relief to get rid of one. Leo was going to be OK after all!

Only he wasn't. The next day his leg was bad again - as bad as it ever was.

The Doctor House type mystery evolved: it couldn't be a broken leg or even a fructure: these things don't heal so quickly only to happen all over again. I wondered if it was maybe the cold making the metal in his leg painful. There were a few very cold days the previous week. We decided to keep Leo's visits to the back yard super short and infrequent.

Last Friday night we had our first overnight guest in our Winnipeg home and we went with him to a dinner party with friends. When we came back home Leo made extreme efforts to go up with us to the bedroom. The next morning on Saturday Leo could not get up no matter how much I asked, begged and commanded him.

We decided to take him to the vet, if only to get him some pain killers. By the time we made the appointment and started discussing ways to bring him down to the car, Leo has gotten up and almost ran downstairs to pee as he was bursting.

Obviously we had to take everyone, including Dexter who refused to stay in the car once we got to the vet, so we all went in. Leo went with Miron to be X-rayed and examined while I waited in a small examination room with Dexter and Blake. There were no signs of broken bones or fractures, but some arthritis around his bad leg and plenty of swolen inflammation. When Leo returned to our room, he stumbled and fell flat on his belly. He considered for a second to try and get up, but then was all "f*** it, I meant to do that" and remained lying down. You see, Leo was on injected morphine and was slowly succumbing to sweet dreams about rainbows and unicorns.

We got his antibiotics for the infection (for that is what it apparently was) and pain killers and some human treatment for arthritis. When we got home it was a struggle to take Leo out of the car. He lay at the back and looked at me with big empty cow eyes. He was tripping in another dimension already. I wanted some of what he was having...

So now we wait, a bit worried, to see if he'll get back to using his leg. He is getting lots of rest and cuddles, as well as getting better at using only three legs, but I sure do hope it's not permanent, as I don't see him managing to survive like that for long and it certainly means no more Sunday runs in the prairie for the time being.

Poor Dexter has been quite confused and worried and also somewhat jealous at the extra attention his brother has been getting. So he's been cranking up the cute. Picture evidence:

Sir Fartalot in his library.

Gaining knowledge by sleeping on a book shelf.

Leo plays Rear Window

Mickey

One Million Morons : The Sequel

2012-02-09T20:27:00.000-06:00

I bashed the idiots at One Million Moms two months ago, before it was cool. Now everyone is doing it thanks to their new campaign against JC Penny for hiring Ellen DeGeneres as their new spokeperson. I'm such a trend setter.

One Million Moms is an offshoot of American Family Association, an extreme right religious organization that attempts to promote their bigotry under the pretense of "family values". That's really all you need to know about them - and once you do why does anyone need to pay them any attention anymore?

Their efforts to get Ellen DeGeneres fired shouldn't get any headlines, just dismissed with a shrug because it is really such a non issue. Yet most news coverage of this incident refers to it as a "controversy". Where is the controversy? The fact that a gay woman was hired as a spokesperson or the fact that it annoyed the crap out of a group of ignorant lunatics?

Watch this CBS video to see the reactions of Ellen and the JC Penny CEO. Notice how every other word out of the interviewer's mouth is "controversy". Derpa-derp-derp-derpalooza.

Whatevs. Haters gonna hate, bigots gonna baguette. This "controversy" got me to revisit the One Million Moms website to see if it was still as ugly as I remembered it and I saw that one of their ongoing campaigns is against the show Modern Family. Well, obviously.

I thought I'd find them protesting the portrayal of two men who enjoy dirty and ungodly anal and oral sex with each other while raising a child in an obviously unfit environment. No, it gets better! They were protesting the subplot in which the couple's little toddler curses using the F word.

I KID YOU NOT, THEY REALLY ARE SUCH MORONS.

This kind of ridiculousness and ignorance is comforting. It's always good to know thy enemy and it's even better to know thy enemy is an absolute idiot.

Mickey

P.S

I'm more than happy to protest against Modern Family as long as we focus our attention where it matters: It used to be the funniest thing on TV, but now if I want to laugh while watching it I need to simultaneously browse funny pictures on my phone.

Story Time - Blake and the Balloons

2012-02-02T18:06:00.003-06:00

Putting Blake to sleep used to involve singing. More often than not "Part of Your World" from Disney's The Little Mermaid and sometime Rebecca Black's Friday. And when I say singing I mean ME doing the singing.

I kid you not. I wish I was.

More often than not singing once wasn't enough and I had to sing three or four times.

So you can imagine how relieved I was when Blake was finally more into stories. I would sit with him in the dark and make up stories about him and the rest of the family using story elements I knew he was into at the moment. There was a lot of random crap, but every once in a while a favourite story was born and stuck around. Now there are three regular stories I occasionally switch between, but the golden classic is undoubtedly "Blake and the Balloons."

So I decided to record it on video in case I'll get hit by a bus or be crashed to death by a falling satellite. It's not really about me or the story, it's about Blake who makes it so much fun to tell him stories.

Love you, son!

Mickey

The Audacity of Promoting Equality

2012-01-28T20:02:00.003-06:00

Something nice happened in Altona, Manitoba, a small town not too far from Winnipeg: two grade five teachers displayed a card pledging support for LGBT youth.

The cards read:

As an Ally, I envision a society that embraces, values and celebrates diverse sexual orientations, gender identities and gender expressions.

As an Ally, I support lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, Two-Spirit, intersex, queer and questioning individuals, families and communities.

As an Ally, I work towards a more aware, affirming, safe and open work environment in both policy and practice.

As an Ally, I acknowledge that creating a safe space is an unwavering process that requires productive commitment, re-assessment and dedication.

As an Ally, I am committed to the elimination of homophobia, biphobia, transphobia and heterosexism as well as other forms of oppression.

I participated a Rainbow Resource Centre LGBTT* Ally Training session and completed ___ hours of training in the year.

Awww, how sweet.

That's why I love Canada. At grade 5 I already knew I was gay, but it was a shameful secret burried so deep that I didn't even entertain the thought of ever making it known to anyone. I am so happy that today young gay people, at least in Canada, have it better than I did.

I wish that would be the end of the anecdote, but it turned out that numerous parents were offended by the cards and demanded their removal. They were partly successful as the cards are now hidden with the exception of the title.

“We have to sign hundreds of petitions to allow religious exercises in school,We should treat this situation in the same way, as it seems to be just as controversial.” Said parent Kim Peters Sawatzky.

I found Kim's Facebook page with quick Google-Fu and discovered she only likes one book. Guess which one. Hint number one: It's NOT A Brief History of Time by Stephen Hawking. Hint number two: It starts with a "B" and rhymes with libel.

So dear Kim, let me please explain to you why you are wrong.

The problem with teaching religion in school (other than the fact that all religions are man written fairy tales and there is no God) is that it's indoctrination. Not all the children in the classroom are Christians. Some belong to other religions or none at all. I am sure dear Kim wouldn't want her children to be taught Islam lessons. On the other hand it's perfectly fine to discuss different religions in class and teach children that anyone deserves respect and the freedom to practice whatever religion they want.

No one is trying to indoctrinate children to be gay. The only thing the card does is teach children to be open minded towards LGBT people and not discriminate against them. The thing is, unlike many countries including the USA, in Canada it's the law. Gay people have 100% equal rights, so any cards like the one mentioned should be considered a polite notice, not an actual request. We are way past that point. In Canada at least.

Kim Peters Sawatzky also said: “I would like to have the choice of how I choose to teach my children about these words and what they mean."

Translation: "I would like to have the choice of how I choose to teach my children that God hates gay people and that they are gross, derp."

Well, tough luck, lady. You might also want to teach your children that black people like decorating the walls of their homes with the intestines of giraffes, that Jews grind their own toenails and use the powder in most of their cuisine and that Muslims are actually demons wearing people-suits made out of latex. You can teach your children any type of nonsense you want, but you won't necessarily be doing them any favours. You certainly can't expect the system to bend backwards to accomodate your prejudiced, ignorant and bigoted "values". You can always relocate to a country that shares these "values" or maybe start your own colony in some far away rain forest. I can only hope that Kim's children, considering that they are growing up in Canada, will mature into more tolerant and accepting human beings.

Another parent, Rachael Friesen, pretty much nails it: "The kids are hearing some pretty crazy stuff on the playground and we have no control over that. All we can do is damage control, so I’m not understanding why a teacher can’t answer a question without everyone freaking out."

Regardless, we're moving in the right direction. Twenty years ago teachers educating children about LGTB rights would seem like science fiction. Since then Religion has been kicked out of the classroom and now teachers are actually trying to actively educate children to be accepting of LGBT people and the action is met with nothing more than feeble mixed reactions by parents. The parents objecting are just remnants from darker times. In twenty years not only displaying these types of cards won't be a big deal, it's probably not even going to be really necessary.

At least in Canada.

One can hope, anyway.

Mickey

14 Legs Worth of Love

2012-01-26T09:23:00.000-06:00

Us with Justice James MacPherson at Osgoode Hall, Toronto

Today is our fourth wedding anniversary. It's more impressive when you take into account that gay-relationship years are like dog years and should be multiplied by seven. So it's like our twenty eighth anniversary.

Actually, we've been together for almost fifteen years so in gay-years that's a hundred and five years which you must admit is quite spectacular.

Anyway, life isn't perfect and full of hardships, but getting married and starting a family was the best thing that ever happened to me. It doesn't matter where I go, I got my crew by my side. Starting life anew in a new country and new city without knowing anyone in advance would be much scarier if I really had to do it alone. But as things are, there are always five of us to keep each other company. Fourteen legs worth of love.

We had our surrogate and her husband at our wedding in Toronto, sitting at the family table. That was four months before Blake was born, so he was technically there with us at our wedding. We didn't prepare vows, so we decided to say a few words to our guests. My words turned into a spontaneous speech and you can totally see I'm winging it, but I'd like to think it's part of the charm. So I tell myself, anyway.

Happy anniversary, hubby!

Mickey

The Cynthia Nixon Experiment

2012-01-23T18:07:00.002-06:00

I'm Gay! Now I'm not! Now I'm gay again and now I'm not!!! Yay!

To make a short story shorter: In a recent interview Cynthia Nixon pissed off gay fans when she made the infuriating statement that being gay is a choice. Money quotes:

"I gave a speech recently, an empowerment speech to a gay audience, and it included the line ‘I’ve been straight and I’ve been gay, and gay is better.’ And they tried to get me to change it, because they said it implies that homosexuality can be a choice. And for me, it is a choice. I understand that for many people it’s not, but for me it’s a choice, and you don’t get to define my gayness for me. A certain section of our community is very concerned that it not be seen as a choice, because if it’s a choice, then we could opt out. I say it doesn’t matter if we flew here or we swam here, it matters that we are here and we are one group and let us stop trying to make a litmus test for who is considered gay and who is not."

And:

"Why can’t it be a choice? Why is that any less legitimate? It seems we’re just ceding this point to bigots who are demanding it, and I don’t think that they should define the terms of the debate. I also feel like people think I was walking around in a cloud and didn’t realize I was gay, which I find really offensive. I find it offensive to me, but I also find it offensive to all the men I’ve been out with."

I wish I could say that it made me lose respect for Nixon, but to be honest I never really liked her. I find Sex and the City to be the most abhorrent TV show ever created and any actor associated with this radioactive pile of crap is automatically ruined for me. The only time I remember enjoying a performance by Cynthia Nixon was when she played a stroke victim on ER. Not sure if I enjoyed it because it was a good episode or because I just liked seeing that bitch from Sex and the City getting a stroke. We will never know.

Fond Memories from the ER episode

I think Nixon's statement is offensive because it feeds the lie that being gay is a choice. It is also offensive because it is a complete crock of poop. One does not simply choose to be gay.

Nixon is offended by people saying that she was gay even back when she was dating men. Not only that, it is offensive to "all the men she's been out with". The way she says it she makes all those men sound like a sizeable demographic. I am sure finding out the chick you banged turned out to be a lesbian is a huge blow to the ego. An insecure man might even think that he was so bad in bed that he actually turned her gay. I can see why good ol' Chyntia is concerned and offended.

Lets get this straight (giggles): one can't choose to be gay. I call bullshit on that. One can't choose which ice cream flavour is their favourite. I love chocolate more than strawberry. I might force myself to eat strawberry ice cream instead of chocolate, but I can't make myself enjoy it more. It just does not work like that. I do not believe for a second that Nixon used to be sexually attracted to men, but not women, but then made the choice to just switch over and be attracted to women, but not to men.

BUT! Just so I won't come across as prejudiced against washed up actresses from terribly obnoxious TV shows, I should conduct the Cynthia Nixon experiment and choose to be straight. I will conduct the experiment right now while writing this blog post.

I, Mickey Blumental, decide to be straight now. I am no longer attracted to men. I am now attracted to women.

I'll take a break for five minutes to let it sink in.

---

OK, I'm back. It didn't work. I still see boobies as butt cheeks that were ruined by having nipples on them. Sorry, mom.

Cynthia Nixon, you are a moron.

No, more than that. You are an attention seeking moron. I bet you knew this unique and bizarre claim will get you some much desired attention. Who cares if you're giving ammunition to religious nuts and homophobes. There are many "gay therapy" groups where gay men are brainwashed to think they can stop being gay with disastrous results and this sort of publicity stunt just fuels that fetid phenomenon.

Regardless, we have freedom of speech and Cynthia Nixon is allowed to talk nonsense and to lie to herself and everyone else. She can also be offended by people who say she is lying.

OR! She can choose not to be offended.

I mean, if she can choose her sexual orientation, surely choosing not to be offended should be a walk in the park.

Mickey

Winterpeg Photo Dump

2012-01-19T15:18:00.001-06:00

I am not focused enough to write about anything in particular so I am simply going to cheat by using my utterly adorable trio of cuteness with a photo dump.

Self portrait.

Crappy photo, but shows the rec room at a rare moment of tidiness.

It takes Blake one minute to turn the rec room into this.

This is what Leo does 90% of the time.

Another self portrait.

After being eaten alive a few times Dexter now knows his place.

And he likes it.

Blake is puzzled by my fascination with him eating.

Quality time.

Blake notices the camera, time to pose!

Or is it time to nose?

Both.

Blake loves Leo.

And Leo loves Blake.

And more self portraits!

Took the dogs out to a field to stretch their legs.

They really really needed that...

So it the weather isn't -100c we'll try doing it every week.

A hat would be nice...

Manitoba? More like Flatitoba.

Ready for school!

OK, Now I'm Really Angry.

2012-01-12T18:30:00.000-06:00

I met my friend Mark through blogging. We discovered each other's blogs as we both wrote mostly about our gay parented families. We never met in real life, but we had some very nice e-mail exchanges and discussions. What I liked about Mark and his family was that, just like with my family, the "gayness" of the family was never an issue. If you read through Mark's blog (and you should) you will find many exciting anecdotes that cover all areas of life (as well as phenomenal photos). Some are hilarious, some are thrilling and some heartbreaking. You would be forgiven if you forget this is a gay parented family. It's just two people who happen to be in love with each other and with their beautiful children who happen to be two guys. The gay aspect practically never comes up.

Until now. Thanks to DOMA (Defense of Marriage Act), Fred, Mark's partner of twenty one years is going to be deported in September despite the fact that they have adopted together four children. This DOMA act was signed by Bill Clinton whose ideas about defending marriage include sticking his Weiner in the mouth of an intern.

To make it worse, the main force behind marriage discrimination for gay people are religious people who are hurting real people by trying to protect morality laws taken from a fictional ancient book. Because if there is a God, I am sure what he wants is to see four children to lose either one of their loving parents or the country they were born in and call home.

This post isn't very organic to write because I am so angry writing it.

We were lucky. We lived in the UK so there was no problem for gay people there, at least not by the time I moved there.

So we got to stay together. We later got married "properly" in Canada just before our son was born and we are now living in Winnipeg, Canada where people care about your sexual orientation about as much as they care about the colour of your eyes.

Like I said, we were very lucky.

After the move to Winnipeg I was a bit disappointed in at least one aspect. I was under the impression that Canada is close in prices to the US, but in practice it's significantly more expensive in many areas to the point that people will drive south for several hours to the border with the US for shopping.

Now that I read about Mark and Fred's deportation threat it puts things in perspective. I would rather pay more for my cellphone plan and television, but have full equal rights as a married gay parent without any small letters, ifs or buts. There really is no price for freedom. I appreciate and support those who decide to dig their feet in the ground and fight for equality rather than just go elsewhere, as I am really not sure I could do that.

A while ago in an Interview Barack Obama has been asked about gay marriage to which he replied "I'm still working on it."

Well, Mr. Obama. Pull your finger out and do something about it after nearly an entire term. This is outrageous discrimination and if the first minority president is not going to do anything about it, who will?

To quote Mark from the CNN article:

"I will no longer ride in the back of the bus. I am tired of waiting for people to give me rights."

You could say that again. In fact, I suspect you might have to.

Give them hell, Mark!

Mickey

I finally get an excuse to steal-post great photos of adorable children from Mark's blog.

Break!

2012-01-08T20:18:00.001-06:00

I hope that the holiday season hibernation is coming to an end.

I was constantly aware that I wasn't writing in my blog, but I couldn't force myself to post stuff just for the sake of it.

Am I back? Maybe. Does anybody care? Maybe, though how many anybodies is a different matter.

The holiday break was fun and we got to celebrate both Christmas and Hanuka in our new humble abode. The benefit of being an atheist. Do Muslims have any fun holidays I can steal?

It was really nice to be here just the five of us, catching cabin fever together as we snuggle indoors while it's snowing outside. Our first Winnipeg Christmas. With that said, we were disappointed by the lack of harsh weather. Damn you, global warming!

So I hope you (whoever you are) had a great break too and that 2012 will be great or at least not super extra crap. Wow, I'm quite the wordsmith. I should copy-write greeting cards.

I had to assemble Blake's train-set table in the middle of the night because he refused to go to bed at a normal time and to make it even better I didn't even get credit for it. You see, it was from "Santa". Pffft. That lazy fat bum.

Mickey

Jew Gotta Be Kidding Me!

2011-12-27T14:59:00.001-06:00

Religious nuts are not a new thing. There are many people who are obsessed with their religion and their own take on morality and do whatever they can to impose that view on anyone else around them. Any objection to that will bring upon outcries of intolerance and bigotry towards the religious people and their "way of life". The fact that their "way of life" is based on bigotry and intolerance is irrelevant to them.

The story of the little girl from Beit Shemesh in Israel who's been bullied by adult Ultra Orthodox Jews for apparently dressing up immorally has made headlines all over the world. Google Beit Shemesh if you want to learn more about it, I really don't want to get into details. This specific story does not really matter. There are many stories like that all over the world across all religions. It's not a Jewish thing, or a Muslim thing or a Christian thing.

It's a religion thing.

It's the unavoidable self righteousness that comes with following a religion and patting your self on the back for doing it right, which leads to looking outside and seeing the people who haven't "seen the light" yet and making sure they do. Because if God exists and you're following the "right" religion "correctly" it is surely your duty to bring more people into the fold or die (or kill) trying.

I am not putting all the world's problems on religion or even nationalism. If I clicked my fingers and made religion and nationalism cease to exist I don't think all the world's problems will be solved, but I wonder just how many things will cease to be an issue any more.

These people are not giving Jews or Israelis a bad name, they give all of us, humans, a bad name.

I don't have any answer and solutions, so instead I do what I do best. Point a finger and laugh at the stupidity of stupid people.

One must wonder why anyone would think a seven year old can dress sexy. After all, if you're right in the head, there is absolutely nothing sexy about a seven year old child, no matter how much skin they show. Which raises more questions about the Ultra Orthodox community than anything else. Looking at Ultra Orthodox publications there are many troubling examples of censorships that indicate a deep rooted problem with these people's perception of sexuality.

A wedding photo with the bride and her mother pixelated out (I assume) to prevent men from masturbating to it.

The original picture on the left portrayed the baby sticking his bottom in the air seductively and showing too much skin. It was amended by making him sit down on the floor and covering his feet with longer socks. For what it's worth I think the amended picture is still too sexy. Maybe throw a blanket on him with holes for the eyes?

A picture of a doll has been blurred to combat any impulses of impure thoughts.

The original is on the right, in case you have a problem figuring it out. Apparently the eyes are too "playful" on the picture on the right. To be fair, I can see that. The man is obviously looking to get laid with his "come to bed" eyes and trying to put snacks in your mouth - typical "stranger with candy" scenario.

Try figuring out which picture is the amended one and why. I will give you a hint: the right to bare arms does not apply to red phone-houses.

Ha ha ha. That was funny. We all had a good laugh. Now lets remember that real people made these changes in the name of morality - and cry.

Mickey

Make Your Own Zombie Movie

2011-12-13T19:24:00.002-06:00

I used to love zombie movies, but the ironic cannibalism of the genre with so many zombie movies shamelessly feasting on each other's remains made me sick of it. One thing is clear, though: zombie movies is where the quick cash is.

Make your own zombie movie and make sure to include at least 75% of the following points:

* A group of very diverse characters, almost random.

* People coming to the emergency room with a "weird illness".

* Worrying news reports and instructions that suddenly stop.

* Zombies digging their way out of coffins and packed dirt.

* Don't bother explaining why the zombie infection is happening.

* A natural leader type character everyone looks up to for answers.

* A jackass character who wants to be the leader. Gets the group in danger, but dies horribly.

* It's impossible/very hard to kill a loved one who turned into a zombie.

* A zombie child, because it's extra sad.

* A bunch of armed soldiers who think they are now in charge because they have guns.

* Crowds of zombies walking in the street.

* Crowds of zombies banging on doors.

* Humans shuffling like zombies to fool the real zombies.

* Someone gets eaten and torn in half by a group of zombies.

* Someone with a science background theorizes about the zombies - then gets eaten and torn in half.

* The zombies are unstoppable until someone figures out they die if you destroy their brain.

* An infected survivor keeps his bite a secret from the rest of the group.

* The group barricades themselves in a sanctuary, but eventually it's overrun by zombies and they have to make a run for it.

* Zombies kept as pets or for experiments, usually ending badly.

* The military shoots or nukes human survivors to maintain quarantine. The horror!

* An idiot who stands too near a window and gets grabbed.

* Suddenly anyone knows how to use a gun and get perfect headshots.

* An evil group of humans who decide to take advantage of the new lawlessness.

* Raiding shops for food and weapons where plenty of zombies lurk.

* People who don't understand what is going on and think maybe the zombies are just "sick".

* The self-sacrifice by some brave fool.

* The zombie scenario as a very heavy handed metaphor of the human condition.

* The ninja zombie who sneaks up on someone from out of nowhere.

* Costumed zombies: cheerleaders, waitresses, tuxedo suit, clowns, football players, etc.

* A human does something terrible! Humans are the real monsters! GASP!

* Characters use downtime to remember what life used to be like.

* Characters use downtime to share sad stories about loved ones who died before we met them.

* Characters use downtime to ponder what life is going to be like from now on.

* Characters use downtime to wonder how far the infection has spread worldwide.

* A group of humans start their own mini-society which is always on the brink of falling apart.

* Oh no! Surrounded by zombies and no where to go!

* There is a safe place the group of survivors want to get to. Or is there?

* Goofy zombies used for comic relief. The kind of retards it is OK to make fun of.

* Hilarious post-modern self-aware meta comments by a witty character who knows all of the above zombie clichés and comments about them.

Take all of the above plot points, mix them well, let it sit for a couple of hours and then eat it because I will have nothing to do with it!

God, I hate zombies.

--Mickey

One Million Morons

2011-12-09T15:05:00.001-06:00

I mentioned in my previous post my delight at the fact that many homophobic organizations decide to stick the word “family” in their title. Most notably Family Research Center and American Family Association. In those cases the word “family” is usually code for “we hate fags”.

The other day, thanks to Reddit, I stumbled onto 1 Million Moms. Seemingly yet another website for mothers to hang around at and bitch about post-pregnancy weight and ungrateful husbands. Instead I was directed to a story about a Macy’s employee being justifiably fired after discriminating against a transgendered customer followed by a call to action to harass Macy’s upper management. I am not even going to get into the details of this stupid story. I am glad this woman got fired and good for Macy’s for protecting human rights. Next time I’m in New York I’ll stop by to buy some overpriced crap in support.

OMM’s website is basically the Supergirl/She-Hulk/Spider-Woman version of the AFA website: the same hateful religious propaganda, only with a vagina.

Who cares, they can overdose on their own bile for all I care. I can’t let it get to me, so I let it go.

But one thing did get my attention: the pictures used on the website.

At the top right of the screen are three small pictures showing three different sets of mothers and their offsprings. They all look so beautiful and lovely. They look like good and loving people with warmth in their eyes and genuine smiles. How can they support the hateful and intolerant goals of OMM by posing for them?

They don’t.

Thanks to Google Image search you can now drag pictures right into the Google search bar and find similar pictures. Doing that revealed that all three are stock photos of utterly random models. For all you know they might be great supporters of LGBT rights or even gay themselves!

This is not the first time something like this is happening (most notably Herman Cain's "Women for Cain" website featuring stock photo supporters). More and more morons use stock photos in their website to create the illusion that beautiful people support their cause. If school taught me anything it is that beautiful people know their stuff and are the ones to follow.

It just makes me wonder if these women even know they are featured as “supporters” of OMM and what would their reaction be if they found out.

Mine would be somewhere along the lines of uttering a few expletives and throwing up a little inside my mouth. Then maybe some cathartic crying, but without overdoing it.

I guess the real AFA supporters are wretched and bitter balls of misery and they would not be able to muster genuine warm smiles even if you told them all the gay people in the world were shot into space from a giant cannon.

When you are so busy hating others so intensely, such pure and joyful smiles are simply impossible.

It makes me almost feel sorry for those AFA and OMM creeps.

Almost. They are still douchebags.

--Mickey

The Case Against Gay Marriage

2011-12-05T08:45:00.001-06:00

Do you support gay marriage? Do you consider yourself pro-gay?

If so, you are part of the problem.

Wait, wait. Don't go, you haven't arrived by mistake at the American Family Association or Family Research Center websites. Though one must wonder why the biggest and most hateful bigots always like to substitute the word "hatred" with "family". Whatever, perhaps that's a different blog post for another time. Anyway, let me clarify what I mean by saying you are part of the problem before you get genuinely offended. Roll with me, I am going somewhere with this.

I think the term gay marriage is inadvertently offensive. Homosexuality is not a religion (though if it was, it would be a fabulous one). There is no such thing as gay marriage just like there's no such thing as black marriage.

It's like referring to the right of gay people to vote as "gay votes". It's just "votes".

There's just marriage. The question is, who gets the right to get married and who doesn't.

I didn't get gay-married, I simply got "married". We invited people to our wedding, not our gay wedding.

It may sound very obvious when I put it like that, but it took me a while to get there myself. There is really nothing that exciting and worth shouting about regarding the fact that I am gay. It is not some secret spice that makes everything in my life more interesting: my marriage, my fatherhood, my hobbies. Being gay affects only one aspect of my life: my terrible taste in TV shows.

I used to describe myself as a gay parent on this blog and anywhere else I could, but I stopped. I am not a gay parent. Being a gay parent doesn't mean that I go about things in a different way. If I look back critically on my work as a parent since Blake was born I can highlight many positives and many negatives. None of them have anything to do with the fact that I am gay.

It may seem as if I'm nitpicking with semantics here, but I think it's a big part of perception. The question shouldn't be "do you support gay marriage" or "gay adoption" or "gay parents". It should be much simpler and encompassing: "Do you believe gay people should have equal rights?".

Heck, I'll take it even one step further. "Do you believe everyone should have equal rights?". It's not a gay rights thing, it's a human rights thing.

Most people who object to giving gay people equal rights argue that being gay is a preference, a perverted life style choice. So while it's wrong to discriminate against someone because of their religion or race, the same does not apply to sexual orientation.

I would argue that out of the three factors: race, religion and sexual orientation - religion is actually the only one that is a choice, a set of beliefs a person chooses to stick with. A person can decide to convert to another religion. I can't just decide to start being attracted to Rihanna no matter how much she sluts it out on music award shows.

So you should not support gay marriage or consider yourself pro gay. You should support marriage equality and human rights.

And while some people will proudly declare themselves as anti-gay they should really be described as anti-human rights.

And douchebags.

--Mickey

P.S

Someone posted this on a forum I go to after I made a similar point to the one I made in this post.

I never heard of Liz Feldman, but I am already a fan.

The Other Side of the Hug

2011-12-04T20:21:00.001-06:00

Both my parents were working when I was a kid and my dad always used to come home later. I remember very clearly the excitement when I heard his keys in the door at around eight in the evening. My brother, our dog Bobby and I would all rush to the door to welcome him. We'd give him a big hug and then rob him of the chocolate bar he brought us.

My father and me at my wedding in 2008

My father and I were not very close. He had much more in common with my big brother as they both loved basketball and hanged out more together. Yet I still remember to his day how excited I was every night when he came home and how much I enjoyed hugging him. There is something very nurturing and primal about parents hugging their offsprings. With one quick hug a father tells his child: "I love you, I am here for you, I will take care of you" - without having to say it or explain what it actually means.

And now I find myself on the other side of that hug and it is utterly amazing.

After being mostly a stay at home parent with some freelancing and part time work, I have now been working full time for over two months. I was afraid that it would change my relationship with Blake and hurt the great bond we had, but I was very happy to discover that I was wrong.

For one thing, I get home a little after five, so I still get to spend a lot of time with him every day. I give him dinner, wash him and put him to bed. I teach him to read, I tell him stories and play games with him - electronic and otherwise. We go to the swimming pool every Sunday. So he repays me by remaining my shadow whether I like it or not. 80% of the time I like it. The other 20% of the time I just suck it up like a man. I got used to watching television or play videogames with Blake playing loudly the annoying Angry Birds music right next to my face with his two iPods.

Going back to work was great because I like what I'm doing and the people I work with, but I also appreciate being home more. When I walk in the dogs are first to welcome me because they are faster, but Blake is never far behind. He melts my heart with a smile and I pick him up for a big long cuddle. He would then steal my hat and try it on.

Blake and Papa

Those hugs. I cannot put a price on them. I know they will not last forever and I cherish each and every one of them. At that moment, during a hug, I feel like the luckiest man alive.

And I wish Blake that one day he would get to find himself on the other side of that hug too.

Mickey

Fake Non-Existing Puppies For Sale

2011-11-30T08:34:00.001-06:00

OK, this is going to be a little different - and longer than usual.

My friend at work was going to get new dogs from Belgium for free: A couple of three months old Teacup Yorkies. All she had to do was pay for the shipment from Belgium to Winnipeg. Sounds too good to be true? It sure was. The owner already "chose" my friend as the new owner and was waiting to take it further. I decided to e-mail that person too in order to expose the scam without expecting it to be such a fun exchange of e-mails over several days. "Sharon Wallace" might not be a real person, but I think that for those few precious days we really did have something special going.

Be warned, there is some racy language near the end. I'm just sayin'.

My first e-mail to Sharon (wallacesharon87@yahoo.com):

Hi!

I just saw your ad and absolutely loved the puppies! I hope I'm not too late in offering them a home?.. It will be an amazing Christmas present to my pregnant wife as we're finally starting our new life in our dream home and the only last missing part of the puzzle is a puppy... Or two! ;-)

The only problem is we live in New York City and I'm not sure where you are based on your ad and website.

Please let me know asap! As you know Christmas is just around the corner and I'm determined to get the new dogs by then (I know, bad planning waiting for the last minute lol). Teacup Yorkies are my favorite as I grew up with some.

Many thanks and God bless,

Mickey

Don't know why, I thought the "God Bless" was a nice touch. Also, it didn't hurt to imply that I was in a hurry.

Hello

It is a great pleasure for me to know that you are interested in adopting our puppies. They are still available and ready to meet a loving and caring home where they would be spoil and treated just like a Child. It's very important that you note the following about the puppies.They currently weigh 2.6lbs and are estimated to weigh 3.6lbs when fully grown.If you will need just one then am still ok with your decision.

Gender: Male and Female
Pets Name: Destiny and Miracle
Age: 13 week(s), 4day(s)
Potential: Perfect Pets
Temperament & Personality: Perfect temperament and great with kids and
other pets.
They are House and Potty Training.

We are getting rid of Destiny,Miracle due to the fact we could no longer give them all the care they deserves from us.My HUSBAND and i worked with N.G.O(http://www.aidshealth.org/) and we just recently relocated from the USA and was posted to work in Brussels capital Of Belgium for some time before returning back.So we are presently located in BELGIUM and thats where these babies will be coming from

We have no kids and Destiny,Miracle are like the only children to us.We took them along with us for companionship but is really hard for us to give little Destiny and Miracle all the attention they need from us. So we are after a caring home only where Destiny,Miracle could be spoiled rotten.If you could understand our reasons for getting rid of the dogs, then we would consider you to adopt them.We are asking just $120 for Destiny or Miracle and $200 for both of them as we inquired from the airport yesterday (which is for their adoption fees) because we are not after money since we just need a caring family for them.We are very busy people and have less time to confirm banking transactions. All we need is just for you to pay for the puppies shipping directly to the shipping company responsible for the shipment here .These puppies currently weigh 2.1lbs and are estimated to be 3.6lbs when fully grown

What's Included:
# AKC Registration
# Current vaccinations
# Veterinarian examination
# 1 Year Health guarantee
# Certificate of health
# Travel Crate.

Getting a good home for the puppies are the most essential thing we have ever wanted for them. So we have some few questions for you which we hope you get back to us with the answers sincerely. We just want to make sure they are getting into the right home. Hope you don't mind?
Where abouts are you located?
Why do you need Destiny and miracle?
How soon do you need Them?
Do you have any experience in raising pets in general?
Do you prese ntly have kids and other pets?
Who will look after the puppy when you are not around?
Name and contact number? Would be appreciated.
Hope you don't mind getting back to me with the answers as soon as possible.You may get back for more photos and feel free to ask any questions regarding the adoption or Call us at 0032492135572 see pictures of puppies. below

Oh my goodness! Look at those amazing puppies. This was obviously a scam. Not a word that they are in the process of selling the puppies to my friend. I had to confirm for sure, so I sent another reply.

Hi,

So glad to hear the puppies haven't been given away yet! I spent the last few hours really getting worried about it.
We just moved to a nice house with a garden in Forrest Hills, it's a nice neighborhood in New York. Like I said, I grew up with Teacup Yorkies and I know the breed very well which is why I am confident we will take good care of them and why we want that breed. I want your doggies because they look so cute. LOL. We are expecting a baby, but we know the breed is very good with children, so we don't mind. We want our kid to grow up with a dog or two as it makes kids better people. I work freelance from home (I'm a web designer) so I plan to be home a lot with my family.
I'm travelling for the next three days and my phone doesn't do international calls, so I'm sort of stuck with the Internet. Maybe I could Skype one evening from my hotel. Actually, that would be awesome! Can I Skype to see the puppies? My heart will melt on the spot. Awww, wittle puppies!!! LOL
OK, now for my questions:
Couldn't the puppies find a home in Belgium? I know I shouldn't be asking this since I want them LOL, but I'm curious. I'm sure flying over won't be a big deal since they are young and small so I'm sure they won't even know they're in a plane.
Don't they need to see a vet before the fly over? How much would that cost? And how will that work in terms of customs when I get them over here in the States? Do I need to pay import fees? I don't mind paying, I just need to crunch the numbers in advance so there are no surprises.
Thank you so much for getting back to me so quickly. This is going to be the best Christmas ever. LOL.

I essentially offered to pay more money, which went by unnoticed.

Hi
I am comfortable to know you will offer the best and warm home for destiny(male) and miracle(female). I belief I have found someone. I really hate to see destiny and miracle go at this point in time but I have no choice.I also appreciate your Kinder promise of heart and soul just to take care of destiny and miracle, that shows how lovely you can be. Destiny and miracle are just so friendly with kids, adults and other house hold pets.
They adore playing with toys and hardly cry except they are left alone for a long duration but their toys will keep them company, they like taking rides playing around the dogs park and loves going for shopping ,they are just a great companion i really feel their presence given that they will be leaving me .We are presently located in Brussels Belgium and thats where puppies will be ship from and all you will have to pay is just $200 for them to be ship to your home as am not looking just for a loving homes for these cuties.
I just really hate to see them go but i have no choice at this point in time. Given that you are our choice you have to let us know when you want destiny and miracle flown over to you.? i was wondering if we can get that done as soon as possible , i will be off work today and tomorrow and seeing that as an opportunity to get all the necessary arrangements for the puppies to get over to you.

let me give you this secret that i use for my pets,You can boost your pet's health profoundly by making one simple decision.. All you have to do is change their diet from commercial-brand fare to something you may never have imagined giving them: real food.The fresh food you buy at the market for your self is the food you should give your pet, too..."i feed my puppies with Fresh food. Fresh chicken and turkey and beef.Fresh raw vegetables and fruits.. Fresh brown rice and oatmeal.. Fresh yogurt,eggs, and cottage cheese.This puppies will be ship from Brussels Belgium as i told you in my previous emails
Also i want you to be rest assured that destiny,miracle are very healthy and will come along with all their health papers and besides several test will be carried on them before they can be shipped so you don't have to entertain any fears about their health. so for the shipping i need your shipping the following information from you so that i can proceed with the shipping formalities for you to get them asap.i was also told that it will take just a maxmimum of 5hours 10minutes for you to pick them up at your airport of destination(that is the closest airport to you) when they arrive or in your home if you wish cos they shipping company that am willing to ship destiny and miracle through also does door to door service delivery to its customers which is really good.Furthermore,i also want to let you know that all i ever wanted for these puppies is just a loving home for them .You can get to us on phone at 0032492135572

I will need the following information for their registration in the shipping company before they can be ship to you:

Full names
Address
Phone number
Zip Code
Nearest airport to your location.

I am online now so if you can log on to YAHOO MESSENGER we can talk more from there. waiting for you.please let me know asap
Thanks and have a nice day

This is it. Exactly the same cut and paste e-mail my friend received. There was no longer any doubt that this was a scam (there was not much doubt before). I did get this additional e-mail immediately after the first one, the first text written especially for me rather than just cut and pasted.

hey,sorry i forgot to add that these puppies have already been vet checked and they will be coming with all their documents and besides alot of tests will have to be conducted until they are ship to you.I inquired from the shipping compan here and they said thats all you will have to pay until you get them ship to you.They will also be coming with a favorite food menu so that you can follow up their feeding and some recent toys and accessories.please let me know what to do asap or if you have further questions

thanks

N.B:We are just so excited and cant believe God is doing this for my family.please we cant wait to read from u

thanks

I should have left it at that, but then decided to have a bit more fun and at the very least waste that thief's time and set them up for disappointment like they did to my friend.

Hi,

Thanks for the tips. Real food, who would have thought? So simple and so genius! LOL.

What about the import fee to the USA? You have any idea? And the vet costs to authorize them to travel abroad? Like I said, I don't mind paying more for the right dogs, but I need to know those things in advance and see if the shipping company can help with that information as they probably encounter that a lot. Duh, they ship pets internationally, of course they should know, why am I even telling you this? LOLOL

I am so excited. My wife is not going to believe this!!! Best Christmas EVER EVER EVER. LOL.

Thank you for choosing me. You won't regret it.

I started slipping more into my demented persona, but still not quite pushing it yet. I wanted to come across as someone who is really willing to pay. Being a bit mad and ditzy might make me sound more like an easy prey.

hello. i told you that all the papers have been put in place.i just dropped off phone with the shipping company and they said what i will have to do when i come for the registration is just to do the transfer of ownership that is change it from my names to your names and and that the other documents are okay for their delivery until they are delivered to you.for more details you can call them at 0032483259133.i am so excited and cant wait to get everything done,they also asked me to bring the babies for check up at the pets baggage department at the shipping company.please let me know what to do asap

thanks

A phone number! I don't want to phone anyone. It's time for me to have a blonde moment.

Can I have the contact details of the shipping company? I can take it from here and pay them after I asked them a few questions.

I'm so excited I'm about to feint. LOL.

BEST. CHRISTMAS. EVER.

It worked!

but i thought i sent u their contact numbers and their email is brussels_airlinespetsdelivery1@consultant.com.anyway,take ur time and inquire everything and if everything s okay with u then u can contact me to make the arrangements for their registration.please let me know what to do asap.thanks

Excellente moi bien! Wait, I can take my time, but need to get back to her asap?

Gosh! I feel so stupid. LOL. Got so excited I didn't even notice. I'll write to them as soon as possible. Lets get it going!!!!!!!!! YAY PUPPIES!

Thanks.

So I write to the "shipping company" but decide to tell a slightly different story.

Hi,

I got your contact information from Sharon Wallace. She is sending me her two dogs for free and I only need to pay the shipping cost. I know, what a great deal, right? I sort of feel sorry for taking advantage of her like that, I would easily have paid her SOMETHING for the dogs, but you know what they say about looking a gift horse in the mouth, right? LOL. (you don't look a gift horse in the mouth, that's the saying - at least here in America. Maybe in Belgium you have something similar with another animal, like a racoon or something).

Anyway, sorry for rambling. I'm just so excited! This is a surprise Christmas gift for my girlfriend. I thought if I bought her dogs maybe she won't nag me about getting married and having kids so soon, lolololol.

Anyway, LET'S DO THIS! I want the puppies to get here as soon as possible. Please let me know your preferred payment methods. I can send a money order or something.

Puppies, puppies, puppies. Sorry, I'm so excited. LOL

I am such a liar! I told Sharon I was expecting a baby and I'm obviously not. Though I do hint heavily that I am willing to pay more. It wasn't too long before Sharon got back to me. I trusted her now because she didn't ask to be paid directly so it's obviously not a scam.

please can you let me know if u have contacted the shipping company already and if so what did they say,can you let me know so that i schedule a program to get them registered at the shipping company if you are still interested in them and when you thing i can get the registration done.thanks and enjoy ur weekend
God bless ya
sha

So close I could almost taste the puppies!

Hi Sharon! Or is it Sha? I love it! I never saw Sha being used as short for Sharon. So cute.

Anyway!!! Here is the copy of what the shipping company sent me. Their English isn't very good, but who cares, right? They sound like nice people.

TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN
THANKS FOR THE INQUIRIES AND WE PROMISE YOU WE ARE THE BEST IN HANDLING PETS TRAVELLING ESPECIALLY THE MOST IMPORTANT FEATURE WHICH IS THE DOOR TO DOOR SERVICE DELIVERY SERVICE THAT WE OFFER TO OUR CLIENTS FREE OF CHARGE.PLEASE INSTRUCTS YOUR SHIPPER TO BRING THE PUPPIES FOR CHECK UP AT THE PETS BAGGAGE DEPARTMENT HERE IN OUR SHIPPING COMPANY.ALOT OF TESTS WILL HAVE TO BE CONDUCTED ON THEM BEFORE THEY WILL BE SHIP TO YOU
WHEN THEY ARE CONFIRMED FOR SHIPPING THEN WE WILL THEN GET BACK TO YOU TO DIRECT YOU ON HOW YOU WILL BE GETTING THE PAYMENTS FOR THEIR SHIPPING FEES DONE SO THAT WE CAN THEN SHIP THEM TO YOU.SO WE ARE WONDERING IF MONDAY IS OKAY FO YOU TO GET THE SHIPPING DONE,SO THAT WE CAN TAKE ENOUGH TIME TO PROCESS THEIR DOCUMENTS FOR THE SHIPPING.WITH OUR SHIPPING COMPANY,YOU HAVE GOT A CHOICE FOR WE ARE FAST,RELIABLE AND EFFICIENT.HOPE IN MEETING YOU AND YOUR PUPPIES
THANKS FOR COMING
MANAGEMENT

I'm not very happy about the "alot of tests" part. Please confirm that they mean these are just regular tests required to make sure the dogs are healthy and not some kind of weird animal testing experiments. I'm very much against that. Well, as long as they don't kill them by mistake. LOL. That's terrible. I shouldn't be joking about that.

OK, so let's do it! Lets send these puppies over here before they become old dogs. LOLCOPTER.

Anyway, I hope you had a wonderful weekend and got to cuddle with the puppies one last time before they're mine mine mine. LOL. Omnomnomnom. I'm going to eat them up.

Let's do it!

So close, "Sha" could almost taste the money.

Omg i just so happy right now,i cant wait to hear that the babies are in their new homes and with their new parents.You know their first language here in belgium is dutch and the secnd language is french and not even english.I will have to get the babies registered at the shipping company first thing in the morning tomorrow.Oh yeah the babies are very healthy and and all their health records are also available.its just that for all pets transportation they are supposed to pass through a minor tests to make sure everything is ok and nothing is going to happen to your babies.I will need the following information like i asked in my previous emails for the registration

Full names
Address
Phone number
Zip Code
Nearest airport to your location.
with all these i will be able to get the babies registered so that you get them soonest tomorrow.please reply to these emails asap tomorrow.Hope to read from you soonest
best regards,remain blessed and happy weekend
sha

Mmm... An address. I already said I'm in New York, so I simply had to google a McDonald's resaurant in Queens. Easy. Thank you Google.

Mickey Blumental
9801 Metropolitan Ave
Queens, NY 11375
(718) 520-9775
LaGuardia Airport

Here are the details. LET'S DOOOOOO IIIIIIT! I am so excited I just wet myself. Got to get new underwear. LOLAPALOOZAROFLCOPTER.

I can't believe this is happening. BEST. CHRISTMAS. EVER!!!!!!! Did I say that already? LOL?!?

I'm going to go on a diet now so when I get the puppies I'll have plenty of room to eat them nomnomnomnomnomnom. So good!!! LOL.

I'm going to get them little outfits. A ballerina for the girl and a sailor suit for the boy. LOL. So funny and cute. Too bad Halloween won't be back for a while.

I hope you had an excellent weekend with the doggies and gave them lots of yummy food and cuddles - just don't cuddle them too hard and squash them. LOL.

One step closer.

hello,so glad to read from you and thanks for trhe information.I cant believe the babies will be on their way soon or we are now counting hours for them to take off.I will be getting the registration done first thing tomorrow in the morning.I will update u as soon as everything is done and how the registration went.thanks for everything and have a blessed evening until we talk again in the morning
sha

Our scammer takes it nice and slow, not wanting to look too eager. Nice.

Thanks for keeping me up to date! I don't know if I'll be able to fall asleep tonight. LOL. Maybe I'll just hold my breath until I'll just faint. LOLOLZ
By the way, you said the dogs don't speak English in Belgium. I hope I won't have to give them commands in Belgian, because I don't know any! LOL. Maybe I can start with easy commands like "don't sit" and then when they don't sit I can say "good dogs". Not that they would understand it because they don't know English. Maybe I should get them an English teacher. ROFLCOPTER.
Good night and God bless and I am so looking forward to hearing from you again. You are such a wonderful person for sending these little angels our way.

ROFLCOPTER is so much fun to write.

Hello
I cant imagine im on my way to get the registration done.the babies are just so excited,it cos they really know they will be meeting new parents soon today.You dont even need to border about their dresses cos they will be coming with some good dresses that i just bought,with some recent toys and accessories including a favorite food menu for the week to follow up their feeding.I will let you know as soon as im done with everything and how the registration went but not to worry im sure the shipping company will contact you to direct you on how you will be doing the payments for their shipping so that they can then be ship to you.stay blessed then until i get to you.many thanks
sha

The bastard is playing off my emotions and tries to get me more and more excited over the fake puppies so I won't back out, completely not giving a crap that I would get my heart broken.

Menus for dogs! That is so funny and cute. I can imagine them reading the menus before meal time and making their choices. LOL, so funny. I hope they don't mind vegan diet because we are vegans. LOL!!! JUST KIDDING.

Today I woke up and I thought all of this was a dream because it was just too good to be true, but then I read the e-mails again with tears in my eyes. It's true, it's real, it's happening! Thank you God! And thank you Sha(ron) LOL.

Mic(key) LOL

Almost there. "Sharon" is probably already planning what to buy with my hard earned money. Maybe a new hat, a grenade and some M&Ms.

hello
i got the puppies registered at the shipping company and they said they were going to contact you on how you to direct you on how you will be doing the payments for their flight fees.Have they contacted you already?I am so happy cos they were confirmed for shipping and they said the babies will be on their way as soon as you confirm their shipping fees of $200.please can you get back to me to let me know whats going on?thanks

Now it's time for the big swap. Our scammer is going to switch from his "Sharon" identity to his "Shipping Company" identity. Sheer genius. Master of digital disguise.

As expected I got amazing e-mail with lots of big colorful fonts and animated gifs as if it was 1996 and Ross and Rachel just hooked up for the first time (ah, the heartbreak that awaited them).

GOOD DAY SIR/MADAM.

ACCEPT GREETINGS FROM CUSTOMER SERVICE TRANS WORLD PETS TRAVEL

We offer a specific plan for all of your pet travel needs.[blah blah blah - I was contacted by the owner of the website this text was stolen from who requested me to remove it because it was messing up with their Google rankings - LOL, my little blog.]

SAFETY - RELIABILITY

COMFORT

FAST

Dear Client,
we have information of a Male and a Female Yorkshire Terrier puppies ( Destiny and Miracle) to be ship and delivered to you today from Mrs. Sharon Wallace at the Trans World Pets Travel, to be ship and delivered to you using the below address, we have your entire document for the transportation and delivery.

Check the address and correct for us please

DELIVERY DETAILS

RECEIVERS NAMES

MICKEY BLUMENTAL

ADDRESS

9801 METROPOLITAN AVE MAP

PHONE NUMBER

(718) 520-9775

CITY

QUEENS

State/ Zip / Country

NY 11375

AIRPORT OF ARRIVAL

LA GUARDIA AIRPORT (LGA)

These Puppies were registered here with the number 05J3287
48541M , has come with all necessary papers needed
including the microchip identification with the
microchip number ISO 10586 and ISO 10587 recorded on the Immunization
certificates..

....Information of your Parcel.....
Sender.........................................Mr. Sharon Wallace
Type.......................................................(Puppies)
Breed.........................................................Yorkshire Terrier
Sex............................................................ Male and Female
Age.........................................................13 weeks 4 days
Vaccination record.................................Approved
Vet Record....................................Checked Valid
Medical Inspection......................................Done
Health..........................................................Proper

Your Airway Bill number is 800443251 Click here to track the status of your Puppies.

These puppies came with all necessary papers needed, but as the veterinarian must conduct another test to be sure of their health status, It was done ,all was fine and Medication Papers were accurate ,The test Results shows that they are free from such diseases that may attack other Animals like (Birds, dogs and Cats E.T.C). So they are now ready for shipping and delivery because the shipping fee was paid ................ But it should be noted that this processes cannot be carried out unless the sum of ($200usd) is paid for the flight fee and the change of ownership document for your puppy

ADDRESS AND HOW TO MAKE PAYMENT FOR THE DELIVERY FEE IS AS BELOW , SO THAT WE CAN PROCEED WITH DELIVERY SOONEST TODAY SINCE OUR CASHIER IS NOT ON SIT YOU WILL BE MAKING THE PAYMENT TO OUR HEAD QUARTERS ALSO DESIGN FOR SUCH TRANSACTION

PAYMENT OPTIONS
WE ACCEPT CREDIT CARD OR BANK TRANSFER, BUT THIS OPTION IS USE WHEN YOU ARE MAKING PAYMENTS MORE THAN $2500.00 AND YOU ARE NOT PAYING UP TO THAT AMOUNT
WE DO ACCEPT WIRE TRANSFER VIA WESTERN UNION OR WALMART MONEY GRAM THAT IS FOR ALL PAYMENTS LESS THAN $2500.00, SO SINCE YOU ARE PAYING JUST $200 USD,YOU WILL BE USING THE ADDRESS OF OUR ACCOUNTANT

.....................WESTERN UNION PAYMENT INFORMATION..................................NOTE. Our Company is adopting an end-of-year Financial Accounts Auditing Policy (FAA P), so you will make a payment of $200USD via Western Union using the names, address and zip code of the Company's Accountant in Belgium, Mr: OKPUYE ODION

Names

Okpuke Odion

Address

1026 AVE VICTORIA ROUT

City

LIEGE

State/Zip code/ Country

BRUSSELS, 0032, BELGIUM

Test Question: OK

Answer: OK

This payment should be done as soon as possible so the paper work for the flight will be put together and the puppy should be on the next available shipping session , if the fee is not provided, this puppy will not be dispatched from our detention and will spend more on daily feedings until the manager confirms the payment of the ($200usd)
Kindly email us with the Reference number as the Money Transfer Control number (M.T.C.N) as well as the senders names. As soon as the payment is done...Immediately the payment is confirmed then the Tracking Number as well as the flight receipt and details to ensure a 100% assurance for the transaction shall be forwarded to you before delivery.
Thanks........................

Enjoy Our Service Branch USD
Secretary;
Mr Williams Potter

Trans World Pets Travel

Website: www.transworldpets.com

This email and any files transmitted with it are confidential and intended solely for the use of the individual or entity to whom they are addressed. If you have received this email in error please notify the system manager. This message contains confidential information and is intended only for the individual named. If you are not the named addressee you should not disseminate, distribute or copy this e-mail. Please notify the sender immediately by e-mail if you have received this e-mail by mistake and delete this e-mail from your system. If you are not the intended recipient you are notified that disclosing, copying, distributing or taking any action in reliance on the contents of this information is strictly prohibited.

Awww, the trip is like a fun vacation. A fun vacation in a small box where you sit in your own filth for twelve hours locked alone in a weird room with lots of funny noises. Check out their fake website if you want. It's awesome. "Mr. Sharon Wallace". Cute typo - "Sharon" has mentioned her husband earlier. Unless they are a fake gay couple! Also, love the disclaimer at the end. Feels so authentic.

Anyway, I tried to google map the "accountant"'s address and the post code doesn't even exist. Big shock. At least I now know my scammer's name (assuming there's no more than just one involved in this specific operation). There was only one reply I could send back to the "shipping company".

I'm leaving home RIGHT NOW to go send the money. Please confirm receiving the money and send me those yummy puppies!!!!! :-DDD I'm going to have a Ceasar Puppy Salad with extra cuteness. :D

I am going to rape these puppies with love! LOL! They'll be all like "Stop it! Too much love!"

My wife is going to flip-out that I managed to do this as a secret. She always thought I was an idiot who can't tie his shoes alone. She'll see who's the idiot now. Happy, happy, happy!

And then of course I couldn't forget about my dearest friend Sha.

I'm going now to send the money. By going I mean DANCING. I'll be dancing in the street like that stupid guy from the black and white movie who's singing and dancing in the rain - I forgot what it's called.

Anyway, hopefully it won't be too late for payment to be processed today...

LOVE AND HUGGLES AND SUPER CUDDLES! WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Mickey (soon to be your puppies' papa)

I was going to send the money! SCORE! But until Okpuke Odion didn't have the money in his hands, he had to play it safe and lay it extra super thick.

Hello
i cant wait to hear that tey are on their way,it will be my dream come true.I cant believe what the good lord has done for me.As i talk to you now,my eyes are filled with tears of joy and hapiness.please let me know as soon as you get everything done and the the information sent to them and when the babies will be on their way
thanks

And this is where it should have ended as I wasn't going to send the money. Okpuke who already mentally spent my money on prostitutes and pineapple jell-o got back to me a bit worried.

hello
please are the babies on their wayalready?can you be kind enough to let me know asap,i am a lil worried since i have not heard from you for long.please can you be kind to let me know asap.thanks
sha

Well, I wasn't going to send the money, but I also didn't want to part ways yet. It was time to crank up the crazy to 11 and start introducing the plot twists - while still making it worth it for Okpuke to pursue this as I have not ruled out paying just yet.

Hi Sha,

I am sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo sorry. :-((((((( You are going to be so mad (but please don't be).

Just before transferring the money I got cold feet and decided to talk to my wife to make sure she wants dogs. I know, pa-tsssh (it's supposed to be the sound effect of a whip, as if to say I am whipped) I didn't say I was getting them from Belgium, just asked in general to keep the surprise and she told me she doesn't want dogs - she wants a cat. What the fuck, right? I know. Cats are gay. My wife is Russian. Russians are fucking crazy.

Anyway, so now obviously I can't do it. I was thinking about maybe doing it anyway, I am the man in the relationship after all, right? I should just slap her (well, not now because she is pregnant) and tell her what to do rather than ask.

Maybe if I got to Skype with you and show my wife the puppies playing with each other in live video? Maybe that would convince her. Or maybe you can take a picture of the puppies sitting next to a little sign that says "We Love You Sveta!" (that's my wife name.) That might melt her heart.

GOD I AM SO ANGRY WITH HER. I want these puppies so bad, but don't know what to do. You're a girl, what do you think?

So sad. :-(((((

I won't be mad if you give these dogs to someone else.

OH MY GOD! It just occurred to me. Are the puppies at the shipping company?!? You should go take them back home, poor puppies. :-(((((((
I hope we can still be friends (at least on Facebook).
I don't know what to do. I am so depressed I can't even lol.

I'd have expected to be dismissed as a time waster, but apparently I showed just enough guilt to give Okpuke hope he can still push my buttons.

Hello
I am so disappointed in you.After taking my time to get the registration done and under your names and information you come to tell me you cant get them cos of one reason or the other,do you know the number of people that i have turned down cos of you.Do you have a conscience at all?i trusted you and the worst is that i did all the registration under your names and address and i cant get them back again,please get back to me to let me know whats going on asap
sharon

So here we go again. I sent this:

Hi Sha,

I feel so ashamed... I never ever felt this bad. You can't get them back again? OH MY GOD. I don't know what to do.

Maybe I should pay and get the puppies and tell my wife it's too late. Maybe if she'll hold them in her own hands her evil ice cold Russian heart will melt and if not I can always help up the process with a slap or two. I am so angry with my wife for making me upset you so much, a perfectly nice and kind woman. I wish I was married to you instead. LOL

Maybe my wife and I can get dogs AND cats. Yes, maybe. We'll have a little jungle in the house and we can dress up as Tarzan and Jane for Purim (we're Jewish). Worst case scenario I am sure I will be able to find a home for these puppies here in New York. Or because there are two of them and their perfect size maybe turn them into slippers. LOL, just kidding.

I'll try and go out today to send the money. I am in meetings all day, but have breaks between. I feel better about making up my mind and so sorry for jerking you around. Please tell me you don't hate me.

What is happening with the doggies? They must be so sad, hugging each other and crying in the cold cage at the shipping company. I hope the people there give them food and cuddles and sing them songs. Poor puppies! I feel so guilty.

I'll try my best to go out and send the money today. You have no idea how much your disappointment hurts considering you are such a wonderful and kind person with an awesome nickname (Sha instead of Sharon).

Please forgive me.

And this:

Please tell me you don't hate me... I can't concentrate on anything today, I'm so depressed. I'm about to leave to send the money in the next hour...
That makes me a very sad panda... :-(

Score!

Hello again and sorry for the reactions but i bet you if you were in mu shoes,you will feel the same cos if not for the fact that i realised you so much in love with the babies,i will never even give them to you in the first place.I didnt believe they could spend the next 30 minutes at the shipping company after the registration.just look at what they are going through.please for the sake of my family and for the babies do something as soon as possible so that they can be on their way soon today.My hussy has been calling all day from work to find out if they are already on their way,please i really trust you can do something,help help me here.let me know whats going on asap please
sha

I am still in the game. Yet, since I am not going to send the money or part ways from my new friend, it's time for another plot twist.

Oh NOOOOOOO!

I just had a phone call from my wife. I forgot she had the password to this Google account. She read this entire exchange of message and called to shout at me. I didn't understand more than half of it because she was cursing me in Russian. I understood the words "penis" and "bastard" and then something about killing me and then divorcing my corpse if I dare to send you the money for the dogs.

I changed the password to this e-mail account so she won't be able to log in again.

What do I do?! I am so angry now with that bitch for snooping in my e-mail and telling me what to do. I almost want to get these dogs to piss her off, but that's not the right reason to get puppies, right? You get puppies out of love and rainbows and shit, right? Maybe I can get them, piss her off and then give them up to someone else after making my point? Maybe I should just divorce her before it'll get all War of the Roses.

The last thing I want to do is not get the dogs and let my wife think she won the fucking Russian slut whore bitch. I am so angry my hands are shaking. I feel like the little girl from Meet Me in St. Louise where she goes ape shit crazy just before Judy Garland sings her that sad Christmas song. I am so angry now that if Judy Garland tried comforting me now with stupid songs I'd just punch her in the face.

What shall I do?! I don't know who to talk to about this. You're my only friend who knows about this. I am so ashamed....

Should I? I guess I can't leave you in a lurch like that. You sure you can't retrieve the puppies back from the shipping company? You can't explain to them the situation?

FEEL SO ANGRY AND ASHAMED.

Please let me know asap. Hopefully I'll calm down by the time I get your answer.

Is this the end? Would I finally be dismissed as a complete time waster? No.

omg,i just dropped from talking with them and tbey said if they cant be ship,i will have no opportunity to get them back cos i already had all registration formailities done under your names and if they are kept there for sometime,this will be regarded as pets abuse and abandonement and serious legal measures shall be taken against you after they have been sent to the pets rescue or charges laid against you,i dont want anything to happen to the babies or i will die,please help

Nicely played, Okpuke, nicely played. A subtle combination of threats and guilt.

Oh my fucking God! As if that's the last thing I need! Some Interpol ninjas breaking into my house in the middle of the night to arrest me for animal cruelty when all I wanted was to make my wife happy who now hates me and thinks I'm a douce!!!! I didn't do anything wrong! I was just trying to be nice. :-( I have 423 friends on Facebook and twice as many followers on Twitter for fuck sake! People like me and will tell you I am a nice person.

I calmed down from the talk with my wife, but now I'm super extra more upset.

Maybe you should pay the $200. Because I'll just tell the police I never agreed anything with you and you wrote my name in the registration without my permission. I DIDN'T SIGN ANYTHING. Yes. You should have asked for the money first before registering the puppies, at least half of it. This is as much your fault as my own.

I'm sorry to dump this on you, but bros before hos. I'm a bro and you, well...

WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME about the legal risk?! WHY?

Oh, wait. If I send the money right now there won't be any legal consequences? Or is it too late?!? Is it?

I just called "Sharon" a ho. Is this the end? Shortly I got this:

hello.if you get the money sent to them,there wont be any consequences again im sure.the only thing is that the babies be ship to you and the flight confirmed.I asked you to confirm from the shipping company just to make sure everything is okay before i do the registration.please get the payments done to them immediately.Contact them now and get everything done and tell them why they couldnt be ship yesterday.also let them know that you are willing to pay any fees for delay so that we dont have any problems with them,please let me know whats going on asap
sha

Cool. Fees for delay. Okpuke thinks not only can he still get the money, he can get even more! Much as I had fun, it was time to pull the plug on this.

But you see, here is my dilemma: the pros and cons for sending the money:

Pro: I love the puppies!

Con: My wife told me not to.

Pro: I get to show my wife who's the boss (sure as hell it's not Tony Danza)

Con: I love money and I could buy me a Blackberry Playbook for that much cash.

Pro: I won't get arrested by the police and get gang-banged by big muscly prisoners.

Con: I won't get arrested by the police and get gang-banged by big muscly prisoners.

Pro: I will save the puppies from the shipping company where they soon going to start eating each other to survive.

Con: You are an internet scammer doucebag who would put ridiculous amounts of efforts to scam innocent people for their hard earned money instead of using that very same energy to get a real job where you probably could make about the same amount of money if not more.

Pro: I love the puppies!

Con: You ARE a scammer doucebag.

Anyway, this was fun, Okpuke (your name sounds like a baby farting). I was on to you from the beginning. Check out "my address" in google, it's a McDonalds branch in NY. I don't even live in the USA. I only written to you initially because my friend was almost fooled by your scam and I wanted to make sure it was a scam by contacting you separately. When you send us both exactly the same e-mail I confirmed my suspicion and then decided to have fun with you. I had no idea I would manage to drag it on for so long and have so much fun. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. This would make a great, if slightly lengthy, blog post.

Don't worry. If any of my friends ever wants to buy fake non-existing puppies I'll refer them to you.

Kindest regards,

Mickey

The end. There was no way Okpuke would get back to me after I exposed him. It was fun while it la-- WAIT WHAT? That's right. "Sharon" wrote back.

if thats what you think then you have smething else coming.I will make sure i report and all your information.i have all the information and i will pass it on to the service fbi to trace you down from your IP address.if i could response from your friend its cos i coudnt wait and count on greedy ones like you who will promise and never return to their words to give the babies a home.If anything happens to the babies then please i promise you wont go courts free

This was an extra delightful bonus I didn't expect. It surely deserved one more last reply from me.

Goodness gracious me! This is the present that keeps on giving. I thought that my last e-mail would be the end with maybe one last angry insult laden e-mail from you, but nooo. You're still "in character".
I can't say you're good, because you're not, but you are persistent. Or maybe you were scamming people as "Sharon Wallace" for so long that you actually settled into this persona, Okopoopie, or whatever your name is.
It's a scam and it's very obvious.
You posted this ad all over the internet. This is from November 3rd:
http://www.hotfreelist.com/-3/posts/1-For-Sale/3-Animals-Pets/147151-Excellent-teacup-yorkie-puppies-available-for-free-adoption.htmlThe puppies were apparently 12 weeks old back then. But you wrote to me on the 24th to tell me they were 13 weeks old. They got only one week older in three weeks? What are you feeding them? I would love some of that to slow down my own ageing.
The e-mails you sent me and my friend on separate dates were identical, not similar. Down to the puppies' current age and the fact that you'll be home for the next two days. You picked me as a trusty new owner for your puppies based on just a short e-mail I sent you? Rrrrrright. And people win American Idol based on talent.
The Belgian post code you provided me doesn't exist.
The shipping company's website is faker than Keanu Reeves' British accent. The only thing missing was "Hosted on Geocities"
The English throughout, from both you and the "company" was dreadful. It doesn't help convince anyone that you're originally from the US. Well, maybe from the South.
You couldn't find a home for the puppies in Belgium and need to ship them around the world? Couldn't come up with a better story? Seriously? Maybe you can change that. Say that you are on a slowly sinking cruise ship with a canon that can shoot the puppies all the way to the new owners, but you first need a money transfer to buy gunpowder.
I shipped animals in the past, so I know the process isn't the idiotic abridged version you concocted. Actually I probably give you too much credit, you probably - very ironically - stole it from another scammer (who stole it from another scammer).
The company doesn't accept credit card payments for $200 and request to wire fund? ABC of internet scamming.
Most of these scams originate from Africa and the payee's name (the company's "accountant") sounds awfully African.
Shall I go on, Sharon? Or can I still call you Sha? Maybe we'll stick to Okopoopie.
Please stop trying to steal money from people.
Much love,
Mickey

I was right about this scam being ripped-off from someone else. Doing an image google search with the puppies I found an identical ad from June by a "Lacy Baxter" where Mircale and Destiny were still only twelve weeks old. Could be that Lacy is Okpuke's former identity. WHO CARES?

I miss Sharon. I wish she was real. I would leave my fake Russian wife for her in a heartbeat.

OK, it wasn't quite over. I really couldn't help myself and I sent out one more e-mail to test just how stupid this person was.

Oh my God! Sha!!! My wife broke into my e-mail again. The last two messages weren't from me!!!!!!!!!

I just now managed to restore my password and read the last e-mails from her to you. How rude! I am so sorry!

What happened to the dogs?! Are they OK?

Minutes later I got this:

if you contact me again i am going to lay a curse on you that you will live to regret for the rest of your life.Just try it one more time and you will regret doing that..what insulence

I replied.

So, that's a no then? :-(

Not sure how long before Okpoopie will adopt a new identity, so please e-mail Sharon at wallacesharon87@yahoo.com quickly to reserve your own fake non-existing puppy while supplies last.

Mickey

Snow White and the Seven Gods

2011-11-29T13:22:00.001-06:00

Several episodes into Once Upon a Time and Miron is still watching it with me, which is impressive. He’s far less tolerant of crappy TV shows so if he hasn’t dropped it after a few episodes it means it’s really good (for now). You can dedicate an entire graveyard for TV shows I started watching with Miron and ended up following alone: Lost, Ringer, Desperate Housewives, Dexter, Glee. Well, actually I get why he stopped watching Glee and I should seriously stop mentioning that I watch that drek.

Anyhow, one of the main characters in that show is a kid who is convinced that fairy tales are real and that all the residents of his hometown are famous fairy tale characters who simply forgot who they were. The adult characters aren’t quite sure whether his psychotic delusions are cute, creepy or a little bit of both. To be honest, if at the age of ten Blake would be utterly convinced that fairy tales were real and that our next door neighbor is Snow White I would be a bit worried too.

But here’s the thing, if the little boy was going on about God, Jesus, heaven and hell no one would bat an eyelid. If he stated that he genuinely believes that all the stories from the bible really happened no one will think it’s unusual. I mean everything: Noah’s Ark, the creation of the world in six days, the ten plagues of Egypt, zombie Jesus’s return from the dead. I am not even scratching the surface here. The bible is full of more crazy stories than X-Files, Supernatural, Buffy and Fringe put together. It puts the F in WTF (not sure what that even means, but it sounds punchy).

I just find it odd that we tell children about God, angels, miracles and biblical adventures that supposedly really happened and then complain that they have an “active imagination” when they run with it and suddenly insist they have an invisible friend, super powers and a monster under the bed.

I have religious friends and I respect their right to hold whatever beliefs they wish to have as long as they don’t harm anybody. But can I be friends with someone who believes in Snow White and the Seven Dwarves? Or even worse – a Scientologist?! I don’t know.

This is quite odd considering I genuinely regard God and Mickey Mouse equally real, yet I can be friends with someone who worships one, but not the other.

Does that make me a bigot?

Mickey

Exactly 500

2011-11-16T21:24:00.000-06:00

Exactly 500 is my new project where I publish a new 500 words story every day. It's a great way for me to practice writing fiction and even if I get only one good story a month, it's been worth it. Hopefully my success ratio will be better than that!

It's a weird experiment I made up for myself and I hope I'll manage to entertain people on the way. Head over there to read the story and read more about the project.

Please check it out and let me know what you think.

Mickey