Weddings Redefined

Gay Wedding Tradition: Pre-Ceremony Champagne

Wed, 19 Jun 2013 04:00:00 GMT

More often than not, and enough to call it a gay wedding tradition, guests to gay weddings are greeted with passed sparkling wine and water before the wedding ceremony. Sometimes it's a cocktail and sometimes it's a full open bar but it's usually just some bubbly.

(we even poured before this beach ceremony)

Why? It sometimes happens with straight couples. Why is this so common with gay weddings?

The main reason is that gay weddings are different. Most attendees to gay weddings are straight and have never been to one before. They don't know what to expect and may be a little on edge.

The passed sparkling water and wine lets your guests know that this wedding will be different. That it will be fun. And that yes, let's take the edge off a little bit.

We did it at our wedding and it was a big success (even when the photographer accidentally kicked over a poorly placed glass during the ceremony). Mazel tov!

Keep in mind that if you are offering more than some bubbly, you may have a hard time herding your guests to then sit and focus on your marriage ceremony!

Have you been to a wedding where this has been offered before? Wasn't it fun?

Traditionally, At a Gay Wedding

Tue, 18 Jun 2013 04:00:00 GMT

When I'm asked by a reporter, a prospective client, a curious acquaintance, or a stranger at a cocktail party, "What's the difference between a straight wedding and a gay wedding?", my response begins with, "Well, traditionally, at a gay wedding..."

That's right - there are gay wedding traditions, mostly at the ceremony. Let me explain further.

There's a strong and palpable feeling of triumph and celebration at gay weddings. But before that feeling actually sets in, many of the guests who have never before attended a gay wedding simply don't know what to expect. So the guests start out with a great deal of anticipation, are a little nervous, excited, curious. We like to help them relax. Traditionally, at a gay wedding, guests are greeted before the ceremony with champagne and sparkling water. This can last for 5-30 minutes before the ceremony begins and sets the tone of something a little bit different but definitely celebratory and fun.

Then comes the processional...and not your typical Wedding March, the Bridal Chorus or Trumpet Voluntary with a massive wedding party. Traditionally, if there is a central aisle, the couple walks in together holding hands. If there is no central aisle (often), the couple walks in from two different directions each accompanied by their family and/or wedding party, and meets in the middle. And the music? How about "All You Need is Love", "Ribbon in the Sky" or another contemporary piece with meaning to the couple? Sometimes this piece is played live and sometimes it's the recorded version of the song. Our processional is "Your Precious Love" by Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell.

example of a Foundation Covenant, designed by Modern Ketubah

Following the processional, the guests remain standing, champagne in hand, for the opening remarks and tradition of "Validation & Affirmation" - which is essentially a brief introductory blessing/toast. Then the guests sit and the ceremony proceeds as you might expect but with often a bit more emphasis on the history of the couple.

Later in the ceremony, after the vows are exchanged, the officiant asks the couple to sign the Foundation Covenant. This document is inspired by the ketubah, Quaker wedding certificate and other sacred documents and is an art piece that the couple, and later the guests sign. We work with two producers of Foundation Covenants - custom and modern art pieces.

The couple then recesses out to a contemporary/pop song and take some time alone (no receiving line), adapted from the Jewish tradition of the yichud, while the guests sign the Foundation Covenant as witnesses to the marriage. The Covenant is often later framed as art (and conveniently can serve as a guest book.)

If it sounds like gay weddings are fun, it's because they are! I seriously hear from a guest at almost every wedding I plan that "this is the best wedding I've ever been to." Have you seen anything especially fun or outside the box at a gay wedding ceremony?

Top 5 Ceremony Readings for Gay Weddings

Mon, 17 Jun 2013 19:50:00 GMT

I say this all the time, but my favorite part of gay weddings is the ceremony. We've fought for the right to legally marry, and the ceremony is the chance to truly celebrate that, in a personal and meaningful way. Many same-sex couples travel to New York for gay weddings and I hope they take the care to craft a beautiful ceremony which brings out the waterworks in friends and family. If you're looking for someone to help with that, hire a Celebrant to write the script for you and officiate!

Here are the top five most commonly read readings at gay weddings in Boston, New York and throughout New England, based on my experience witnessing hundreds of gay wedding ceremonies:

5. An excerpt from the Judge Vaughn Walker ruling which was the first judge to overturn Proposition 8:

“Marriage is the state recognition and approval of a couple’s choice to live with each other, to remain committed to one another and to form a household based on their own feelings about one another and to join in an economic partnership and support one another and any dependents. ...

The right to marry has been historically and remains the right to choose a spouse and, with mutual consent, join together and form a household. Race and gender restrictions shaped marriage during eras of race and gender inequality, but such restrictions were never part of the historical core of the institution of marriage. Today, gender is not relevant to the state in determining spouses’ obligations to each other and to their dependents. Relative gender composition aside, same-sex couples are situated identically to opposite-sex couples in terms of their ability to perform the rights and obligations of marriage under California law. Gender no longer forms an essential part of marriage; marriage under law is a union of equals…

They seek the mutual obligation and honor that attend marriage… seek recognition from the state that their union is ‘a coming together for better or for worse, hopefully enduring, and intimate to the degree of being sacred.’”

4. From Touched by an Angel, by Maya Angelou:

We, unaccustomed to courage
exiles from delight
live coiled in shells of loneliness
until love leaves its high holy temple
and comes into our sight
to liberate us into life.

Love arrives
and in its train come ecstasies
old memories of pleasure
ancient histories of pain.
Yet if we are bold,
love strikes away the chains of fear
from our souls.

We are weaned from our timidity
In the flush of love's light
we dare be brave
And suddenly we see
that love costs all we are
and will ever be.
Yet it is only love
which sets us free.

3. Excerpt from Leaves of Grass, by Walt Whitman, our celebrated gay writer:

The day when I arose at dawn from the bed of perfect
health, refresh’d, singing, inhaling the ripe sweet breath of autumn,
When I saw the full moon in the west grow pale and
disappear in the morning light,
And when I wander’d alone over the beach, and undressing bathed,
laughing with the cool waters, and saw the sun rise,
And when I thought how my dear friend my lover was on
his way coming, O then I was happy,
O then each breath tasted sweeter, and all that day my food
Nourish’d me more, and the beautiful day pass’d well,
And the next came with equal joy, and with the next at evening came my friend,
And that night while all was still I heard the waters roll slowly continually up the shores,
I heard the hissing rustle of the liquid and sands as directed to me
whispering to congratulate me,
For the one I love most lay sleeping by me under the same cover in the cool night,
In the stillness in the autumn moonbeams his face was inclined toward me,
And his arm lay lightly over my breast – and that night I was happy.

2. The Art of Marriage, author unknown

A good marriage must be created.

In the art of marriage the little things are the big things –-
It is never being too old to hold hands.
It is remembering to say ‘I love you’ at least once each day.
It is never going to sleep angry.
It is having a mutual sense of values and common objectives.
It is standing together facing the world.
It is forming a circle of love that gathers in the whole family.
It is speaking words of appreciation and demonstrating gratitude in thoughtful ways.
It is having the capacity to forgive and forget.
It is giving each other an atmosphere in which each can grow.
It is finding room for the things of the spirit.
It is a common search for the good and the beautiful.
It is not only marrying the right partner –-
It is being the right partner.

1. Excerpt from the Goodridge v The Massachusetts Department of Public Health ruling (written by Judge Margaret Marshall) that first legalized gay marriage in Massachusetts:

Marriage is a vital social institution. The exclusive commitment of two individuals to each other nurtures love and mutual support; it brings stability to our society. For those who choose to marry, and for their children, marriage provides an abundance of legal, financial, and social benefits. In return it imposes weighty legal, financial, and social obligations....Without question, civil marriage enhances the "welfare of the community." It is a "social institution of the highest importance." ...

Marriage also bestows enormous private and social advantages on those who choose to marry. Civil marriage is at once a deeply personal commitment to another human being and a highly public celebration of the ideals of mutuality, companionship, intimacy, fidelity, and family.... Because it fulfils yearnings for security, safe haven, and connection that express our common humanity, civil marriage is an esteemed institution, and the decision whether and whom to marry is among life's momentous acts of self-definition.

What readings are you having at your gay wedding ceremony?

Wedding Design Primer

Tue, 11 Jun 2013 19:43:00 GMT

When we are working with clients, we are often asked to transform a space from a blank canvas into something magical. This is usually a collaborative effort between the client's vision, our vision and the team of vendors we pull together for each wedding. From the stationery to the lighting and flowers, we can make everything custom and personal. Below are some before and after photos from a wedding where we transformed a church hall into a contemporary and elegant wedding space.

The room when we first arrived - some tables were the church's and the rental company left all the chairs stacked. We used all rectangular tables, some 6' and some 8'. The grooms sat at a small round sweetheart table.

Another view - the room itself was really cool, a blank canvas for our design

We laid out all the tables according to the floor plan we'd pre-designed. We took down the LOVE banner and another banner and cleared off the corner by the stage, next to the piano (it was full of 'stuff').

We draped the tables with a violet lamour linen that captures light really well. We placed the leather slipper chairs according to my floor plan.

The floral arrangements (two different styles on alternating tables) start to get set by Spruce Floral (they rock!) The little signs in the foreground are the table name signs, not yet distributed.

The team at work. Place settings go down...

Teal napkins in place; drapes closed on the stage.

Candles in matching colors in place. Menus for each table distributed.

And now for some AFTER pictures:

Style 2 of centerpieces - view of the full, completed table

With all of the window shades drawn, and the addition of uplights around the room

It's pretty cool, right? Even with my amateur photos... It's fantastic to see the evolution of an event space, and in a space like this, almost anything is possible. Believe it or not, I have a photo from the very next day when this room was used for a church rummage sale!

How are you planning to style your wedding?

Bernadette on CBS News

Mon, 03 Jun 2013 16:43:00 GMT

Here I am with my clients Michael and Greg along with their floral designer, Jessy from Fleurs:

Have Your Cake and Eat it Too

Wed, 29 May 2013 04:00:00 GMT

Please join us for this great event on June 16 (includes wedding cake!)

Xanax for Gay Weddings

Sat, 25 May 2013 04:00:00 GMT

The funniest thing I've seen in quite awhile!

Marc and Joey at the Mondrian Hotel

Wed, 22 May 2013 04:00:00 GMT

Loving these photos from Marc and Joey's wedding at the Penthouse at the Mondrian Hotelin SoHo from the awesome Kelly Guenther Studio.

Michael and Greg's Wedding at 632 on Hudson

Tue, 21 May 2013 04:00:00 GMT

Loving these photos from Michael and Greg's wedding at 632 on Hudson from the incomparable Kelly Guenther Studio.

Greg and Michael from Kelly Guenther Studio on Vimeo.

How to Get Married in...

Wed, 15 May 2013 04:00:00 GMT

Here's the rundown of same-sex marriage laws in the three new states: Delaware, Rhode Island and Minnesota:

Delaware

first date to apply: July 1, 2013
Waiting Period: 24 hours after license is issued
Witnesses: 2
Blood Test: None
Divorce Decree Required: Yes
Fee: $50 for state residents; $100 for non-residents
Where to Apply: Office of the County Clerk of Peace

Rhode Island

first date to apply: August 1, 2013
Waiting Period: None
Witnesses: 2
Blood Test: None
Divorce Decree Required: Yes
Fee: $24
Where to Apply: City or Town Clerk's office in the city where the marriage will take place

Minnesota

first date to apply: August 1, 2013
Waiting Period: 5 business days after license is issued (can be waived with a court order)
Witnesses: 2
Blood Test: None
Divorce Decree Required: Yes
Fee: $40 or $110, depending on if you've taken premarital education classes
Where to Apply: A County Registrar's office

Your Parents and Your Same-Sex Wedding

Tue, 14 May 2013 17:42:00 GMT

Since the laws are rapidly changing (yay for Delaware, Rhode Island and Minnesota, not to mention some new countries), I'm going to resurrect some of my old how-to style blog posts. This one is an oldie but a goodie: how to get your parents excited about your gay wedding.

Start here with the first step: Be Patient

Step two: Share your excitement.

Step three: Ask for advice (not money).

Step four: Excitement is contagious.

Step five: Ask for money (if you need to).

Step six: Give them a project.

Step seven: Distract them some more.

How are your parents feeling about your gay wedding plans?

Delaware Legalizes Same-Sex Marriage

Wed, 08 May 2013 13:47:00 GMT

After discovering that the sky didn't fall in one year of civil unions, the state of Delaware went full in for marriage equality. The law goes into effect on July 1 and existing civil unions will convert to marriage. Love this marriage equality momentum!

Scouting the Field - Great Venues in NYC for a Gay Wedding

Thu, 02 May 2013 14:37:00 GMT

We were thrilled to be asked by Next Magazine to give the rundown of some amazing locations in New York City for gay weddings. Gay wedding planning in New York is super fun in the right venue...check out this article to read more about my top picks.

PS - one of our clients was in the same issue, for the engagement story. Read about Brian and Toby's engagement here.

Civil Unions are Legal in Colorado

Wed, 01 May 2013 14:52:00 GMT

I'm happy about this for two reasons: 1) because civil unions protect LGBT families, period. And 2) because civil unions pave the way for full marriage equality (see Vermont, Connecticut, Rhode Island and hopefully soon Illinois and Delaware).

Congratulations, Colorado!

Family Equality Night at the Pier Fundraiser

Tue, 30 Apr 2013 04:00:00 GMT

If you know me, you know that one of my favorite LGBT organizations is the Family Equality Council. I'm Vice Chair of their annual New York City fundraiser, Night at the Pier. Yesterday, this year's event raised nearly $800,000 for this amazing organization which advocates for equal treatment of all families. Here's a photo from Monday night with Jen and Edie Windsor, of The United States v Windsor. It was an amazing and inspiring night and I'm honored to be part of such a fabulous organization!