Image by net_efekt on Flickr. Creative Commons License.

Brené Brown, an inspirational speaker and researcher on courage and vulnerability, talks about her Dig Deep button. You know, the button you push when you’re beyond exhausted but you have to soldier on anyway? When you have to dig deep to find untapped reserves of courage and strength to keep going?

She wrote in 2008 about breaking her Dig Deep button. She decided not to fix it, choosing instead to honor saying no, taking it easy, and getting what she needs.

This topic has been on my mind a lot lately. I know I’m not the only one who seems to get around to solitude, creativity, and recharging only after all the “serious work” is done (i.e., never, in some cases).

I used to think it was my duty to put myself last. I think I got the idea from religion initially, but it got reinforced often enough elsewhere. After all, parents, teachers, friends, and lovers all respond well when you do what they want, even when it conflicts with what you want. And everybody hates people who are selfish!

The problem is, you can only neglect yourself so long before you don’t have anything to give. For me, that’s not long at all.

I remember a few years ago, when I first read about the idea of making a to-quit list and quitting everything in your life that doesn’t feed you in some way. If it doesn’t make you feel good, either when you do it or in the long-term, take a red Sharpie to it!

When I read that, I thought, “This guy is crazy! I could never do that!” I was convinced I absolutely had to do everything on my list or something terrible would happen, so I kept doing it, even though I hated most of it. I didn’t just have a Dig Deep button, I had a broomstick propped against the opposite wall of the control room to keep it pushed.

But you know what? In the past few years, I’ve quit everything on that list. Every last thing.

Without me keeping everything running, nobody has starved, no organizations have gone under, nobody has withered away of loneliness. Projects get done, accounts get kept, newsletters get published–all without me. The world has kept turning quite nicely, and it’s surprisingly easier to be generous and loving without the dread cloud of all those “should”s and “have to”s hanging over me.

Since I’ve been perpetually tired lately, I started thinking about that again. What do I want to quit? What am I doing just because I think I have to?

There’s not much left to be on the list. I’ve cleaned house pretty thoroughly over the past few years, even giving the ax to the seemingly impossible ones: my expensive house that nobody seemed to want to buy, my ex, my job.

I’ve let go of doing things out of fear and guilt, and I’ve stopped seeing suffering as a good thing (a training ground for heaven). Overall, I’ve structured my life to include astonishingly little unpleasantness.

But lately, I’ve had reason to spend time with a person who can be a hoot but can also be exceedingly unpleasant. I don’t want to get into the reason here, but I believe it is a good one, worthy of an approach other than the to-quit list.

So, what to do? The criticism and ugliness flowing from this person’s mouth feels awful to me. Others seem to be able to shrug it off. I started wondering, is something wrong with me? Have I made things worse by insulating myself from unpleasantness all this time? Would I be as immune as everyone else seems to be if I often dealt with mockery and scorn?

But then I remembered a time when I was surrounded by all that. No, it did not make me immune. It just made me miserable.

I’ve always been told by people who were treating me poorly that I was “too sensitive.” I’ve come to the conclusion that anyone who says that might as well write “Asshole” across his forehead with my red to-quit Sharpie.

So, where does that leave me? These days, the only two things I use my Dig Deep button for are working long hours on the business, and dealing with this person.

What if I just… didn’t? What if I rested when I was tired and accepted that the business schedule will always slip? And, what if I refused to be around this person during times of pissiness or spewing?

This seems ridiculously basic, but sometimes things really don’t need complicated solutions.

Brené Brown recommends thinking about what makes you come alive… and putting that first. Most of us do the opposite. For her, that includes alone time, family, friends, creativity, good music, nature, prayer and meditation, and writing. My list includes many of the same things: solitude, walks in the woods, creative work, time with people I love.

Most of the work I do for the business is work that makes me come alive, and I feel infinitely fortunate in that. I just need to adjust the ratios. Less overhead, less going to things because someone else wants me to, less tolerating. More design, more writing, more star-gazing, more walking in the woods, more sunsets.

What about you? What are you using your Dig Deep button for? What would happen if you stopped? What do you want less of, and what makes you come alive?

Image by Tambako The Jaguar on Flickr. Creative Commons License.

Have you ever been so tired, you find yourself wailing despairingly, “I just want to go to bed!” …when you’re already on your way there?

I do this to myself sometimes. The other day, as I was walking in the woods, I caught myself whining that I just wanted to walk in the woods. Even though I was there, it didn’t register because I was rushing through my already-too-short walk to start my work day.

Intellectually, we all know we can’t possibly do everything we want to do–there’s just not enough time–so we have to pick. We have to curate, or we end up slaves to the whirlwind of everyday life. The urgent shoves aside the important, duct tapes its mouth shut, and sits on it. That’s how people suddenly wake up to find that ten years have gone by and they haven’t done anything they really cared about.

I know this, but somehow I must not really believe it. Otherwise, why would I keep making the same mistake?

Every Monday when I make up my list of tasks for the week, I have every desire and expectation of finishing them all. Come Friday when I look back over the list, 75% of the tasks are usually still undone. And that doesn’t even count the multitude of off-list tasks that got blown off.

I know this, yet I keep making the mistake of waiting until my work is done to do things like rest, walk in the woods, or journal.

So, what did I do when I found myself walking in the woods and whining that I wanted to walk in the woods? I walked in the woods.

I woke up to the moment. Instead of rushing my walk to get back to work on schedule, I slowed down. I let myself walk farther and more slowly. I even spent some time sitting on a bench and thinking.

Most importantly, I looked at what was going wrong. Why was I feeling so deprived and desperate in the first place?

I could complain about being an introvert and needing a lot of solitude to recharge. I could complain about being a creative type and needing a lot of mind-wandering time to get inspiration. I could complain about being unusually sensitive and needing a lot of quiet time. I could even complain about my awesome boyfriend making me have too much fun all the time. All of that is true, but it would be silly to complain about it.

My life has been really full lately. I’ve learned to build a cigar box guitar and a leaded glass panel. I’m a regular at Tuesday Night Woodworking, where I generally crochet. (ha ha!) I dance and play and cook and drive race cars. Meanwhile, I’ve also been working on a Kindle formatting service and writing a lot of proposals for freelance work on elance.

Once I took the time to think about why I felt the way I did and what I wanted instead, it was obvious that my life is great. I just need to be a little more diligent in taking care of myself. I looked at what I wanted more of (uncheduled time, solitude, sitting around, playing guitar, walking in the woods, rest) and what I wanted less of (structure, driving, schedules, planned activities). Then I looked for opportunities to get more of what I want and less of what I don’t.

This seems ridiculously obvious in retrospect, but somehow I have to keep having this revelation over and over again. I used to think that meant I was a dumbass, but apparently, it’s just part of the human condition. Jenny Blake, a friend and hero of mine for how centered and awesome she is, recently wrote a blog post titled “What do do when you feel batshit crazy.” The first line: “Oh wait! I have absolutely no idea.”

Glad it’s not just me!

It’s the start of a new school year, which has always been more powerful to me than the new year that comes in January. Now is a great time to take a step back and give your life a checkup. What do you want more of? What do you want less of? What small shifts can help you get there?

It’s also good to take this on more of a micro level. Whenever you think of it throughout the day, ask yourself, “What do I need right now?”

Then, don’t do like I do, which goes something like this:

“What do I need right now?”
“I’d kill to lie down for 20 minutes. Should I? Shouldn’t I? Maybe I’ll empty the dishwasher instead… Oh well, back to work.”

Instead, actually listen to yourself and give yourself what you need if you can.

“What do I need right now?”
“I really need to get clarity on this jangly feeling in my stomach.”
“Ok, time for some journaling.” [sits down to journal]

Even if you can’t always get what you need immediately, just knowing what it is can help you get it later.

What about you? What do you need right now?

Image by Armosa Studios. Creative Commons License.

A few weeks ago, I attended the World Domination Summit. It’s hard to find an experience with more inspiration packed into one weekend than WDS. Here are some highlights of the things that spoke to me.

On being real

“The only true currency in this bankrupt world is what you say to someone when you’re being uncool.”
– Almost Famous

On wholeheartedness

People living and loving wholeheartedly believe and know they’re worthy of love and belonging. They’re willing to be vulnerable.
– Brené Brown

On waiting for the other shoe to drop

Nothing is harder to feel than joy because we’re so afraid it won’t last. We try to keep from getting caught off guard because we think that will make it hurt less when bad things happen. Instead of dress-rehearsing disaster, practice gratitude.
– Brené Brown

On creativity

There are no uncreative people. There are only people who use their creativity and people who don’t. If you don’t use your creativity, it doesn’t just disappear. It becomes grief, dread, or something else unpleasant. Much better to use it for creating.
– Brené Brown

On belonging

Belonging and fitting in are not the same thing–they’re opposed. Trying to fit in leads to shame if it doesn’t work out. If you’re being yourself and it doesn’t work out, the worst you’ll feel is disappointment. Who you are will always trump who you think people want you to be.
– Brené Brown

On organization

Creativity * organization = impact. It’s not just having great ideas, it’s executing.
100 creativity * 0 organization = 0 impact, but
25 creativity * 2 organization = 50 impact.
– Scott Belsky

On business

If you need money, raise your personal energy. That will attract people, which in turn generates income. If you’re burned out, your business will also drag. Take care of yourself. Your personal energy is mission critical and sets the culture for your business.
– Jonathan Fields

Compassion means you can give people exactly what they want because you already understand the conversations in their head.
– Jonathan Fields

On action

Focus on deliverables.
– Chris Guillebeau

On confidence

Confidence is the sexiest sexy sex thing. You don’t have to know anything if you’re confident. Ok, not really, but confidence goes a long way. You’ll get way more confident by trying and failing than by sitting on the sidelines and researching.
– Chris Brogan

On risk-taking

Embrace regret avoidance.
–Daniel Noll and Audrey Scott

On criticism

Accept criticism from people who are also in the arena getting their ass kicked. Everyone else can suck it.
–Brené Brown

When someone criticizes me and I feel punched in the stomach, I ask myself, ‘Do you really believe what you said?’ If I don’t, then I know it’s time to learn or change. But if I do, I can feel ok despite the criticism.
– Susan Caine

If someone’s disappointed in you, that means you didn’t do what they thought you would. It has nothing to do with you. Untangle from other people’s scripts for you–that includes criticism and praise. Just say ‘thank you’ either way. You will succeed, the weirder you get.
– Chris Brogan

If everyone says you’re crazy, either you’re really crazy, or you’re onto something. Take courage from doubt.
– Scott Belsky

On success

You have to earn success. Start. There are no shortcuts. Don’t settle.
– Chris Brogan

On adventure

Our lives are dull because of our choices. Be open to new experiences. Just say yes.
–J.D. Roth

Image by Jayt74 on Flickr. Creative Commons License.

Most goodbyes are sad, but have you ever been dying to say, “So long, farewell, Auf Wiedersehen, goodbye”? “Ciao”? “Peace out”?

The last day of school before summer vacation comes to mind. The end of a bad relationship. Visiting your mother-in-law, if she’s that kind of mother-in-law. But nothing quite compares to quitting your job to run your own business.

It’s a year ago today that I gathered the last few things out of my office, took my name plate off the door, and walked out for the last time–a free woman. Woot!

(Here’s the secret most people won’t tell you: exciting = terrifying + awesome.)

Over the past year, I’ve done a lot and learned a lot, but it pretty much all boils down to working hard and overcoming fear.

• I had to face my fear of the unknown and my huge fear of going broke in order to quit my job at all.
• I had to get over my fear of talking to people and accepting help. I ended up interviewing nine rockstar bloggers for Beyond Fear. Each one had me quaking in my boots but turned out inspiring and exhilarating.
• I had to face my fear of failure over and over as I created and launched Beyond Fear, Getting Unstuck, and Reclaim Your Love.
• I also had to get over being afraid of not belonging and of people knowing I’m scared, vulnerable, and weak. Still working on that, like, every day.
• And let’s not forget, the fear of being too dorky and getting laughed at. That’s basically required if you’re a blogger. (I’m pretty sure you have to be a little odd for this to work.)

A few months ago, one of my friends asked my advice on quitting his job. I started to advise him to wait longer than I did and save a better cushion fund before quitting. Watching the savings dwindle while sales fail to fill the gap is extremely nerve-racking.

But as I listened to what I was saying, I realized that if I had it to do over again, I would not take my own advice. I’d still quit as soon as I possibly could, even if it meant more financial uncertainty. Having a better life sooner has been worth it a thousand times over.

After all, isn’t that my whole message? Forget the deferred-life plan. If you have 16,517 days left (as I did when I walked out), start using them to the utmost now! Today, I have 16,151, and I’m glad I didn’t waste any time.

I don’t know what the life of your dreams would look like, or what you need to get there, but I hope you’re on your way.

What I do know is I wouldn’t be living mine without you. Thank you very much for all of your support over the last year. I couldn’t have done this without you.

For most people, the number-one thing holding them back is fear. As a way of showing my gratitude and in celebration of my anniversary, Beyond Fear is 50% off through 11:59 pm tomorrow (Monday, July 23). Just use the coupon code FREEDOM. I’d love to see you use this to catapult yourself to your dream life, whatever that may be.

Beyond Fear

Dreams take hard work and facing down fear. Anyone can work hard. It’s fear that stops most people. Here’s to all of us getting a little closer to living our dreams.

Image by Swamibu on Flickr. Creative Commons License.

Once upon a time (a.k.a. this morning), I woke up feeling grumpy, anxious, and overwhelmed. (Also, fat and whiny–just to complete the picture.) Around 9:00, the phone rang, and my first reaction was, “What now?!”

It was my dad, calling to tell me he loves me and is proud of me.

…That’s it.

I kept expecting there to be something else. (News? Has someone died? Do you need help? What’s the rest???) But there wasn’t. It was just a simple, sweet verbal love note.

Suddenly, I realized I never call someone unless I have news, need help, have a question, or know they’ll be mad if I don’t. This call was none of those, and it sure turned my day around. Bravo, Daddy, and thanks!

Why did I share this story with you? So you could steal the idea, of course! Just imagine if each person in the 17000 Days community let one person know how much they’re loved and valued. That’s about 1400 people suddenly having awesome days. Hell yeah–let’s do it!

Thanks for being part of 17000 Days! You rock!

I say that a lot, but I really do mean it. My work would be meaningless without you. Thanks for living intentionally, thanks for reading, and thanks for being here.

My boss clacked up and down the hall. Each time, I tensed, then relaxed as she blessedly kept going past my office.

My life ticked by. Sometimes, weeks flew by without my awareness as I sat in my beige box, more life missed. More often, each minute had to be pried from my enraged, grasping fingers.

Sitting there was becoming more intolerable by the day. I was stuck, and I knew I couldn’t stand it much longer. I kept working, maneuvering, building–making a path for my exit. And then, finally, the scales tipped. My savings reached critical mass. My business started making money. My old house sold, cutting my monthly expenses by a third. I saw my chance at freedom, and I leapt at it.

Image by marynbtol on Flickr. Creative Commons license.

In a few days, it will be a year since I quit from my job. Life hasn’t been perfect since then–there have been some hard, scary, stressful times–but it is alive.

I’ve had a lot of people ask me how I got the courage to strike out on my own like this. Don’t I worry about making enough money? Don’t I miss having a paycheck and vacation days and full-fledged health insurance?

Well, of course I do. But for so many years, I trudged through life with my head down, just existing, because I couldn’t see any other option. I settled, I went through the motions, I worked for the weekend. It was ok while I didn’t know what else to do. It didn’t hurt; it just didn’t feel good.

Once I saw something better, trudging became unacceptable. I saw something better, and I had to try. Even if it didn’t work out, I didn’t want to be on my death bed, looking back and wishing I had lived my life.

So I took the leap, and it’s been the most awesome thing I’ve ever done. Because of that and because of Independence Day, July means freedom to me.

Stuckness can take many forms. Whether it’s soul-sucking employment, toxic relationships, a stifling overabundance of stuff, or just apathy and lack of direction, I want as many people as possible to get free and get moving on the life you really want, whatever that means for you. I hate to see needless suffering and struggle. To help, I’m offering to let you name your own price for Getting Unstuck this month.

Obviously, this isn’t for everyone. If you’re not stuck, or you’re not ready to dig deep or make changes in your life, this book won’t help you. But if you’re tired of grinding it out, marking time, and waiting on hold, it’s time to get in the driver’s seat of your life. This book will show you:

• Why people get and stay stuck (so you can free yourself more easily)
• How to stop feeling helpless (so you can feel hopeful and confident instead)
• How to regain command of the power you have within you (so you can take back control of your life)
• How to release yourself from confusion, limiting beliefs, faulty assumptions, and needing to please everyone around you (so you can stop letting these things waste your energy)
• How to get clear on where you want to go (so you can start working toward getting there)
• How to believe in yourself (even if you currently don’t)
• How to get started (a crucial element in getting unstuck!)
• How to keep making progress (and what to do if you get bogged down)

In the words of U2, “Freedom has a scent like the top of a newborn baby’s head.” Wherever you are and whatever you want in life, I hope you get what you need to be free, live, love, and savor.

Image by bloody marty mix on Flickr. Creative Commons license.

Imagine two people.

One is overflowing with passion and energy. Her life is full and rich. She can’t stop talking or thinking about her ideas and pursuits. Hope and joy pervade her life. She wishes there were twice as many hours in a day so she could spend more time working on her exciting goals and ideas.

The other person also works hard, but she has to make a conscious effort to get into the office and settle down to work. She is easily distracted and has a hard time getting started. She feels overwhelmed and not at all convinced that she can do what she needs to do. She wishes there were twice as many hours in a day so she could get more sleep.

It may seem like they couldn’t be more different, but actually, both of these people are me, or have been at some point.

Maybe you’ve experienced this, too. Sometimes, you’re so fired up, your energy feels like a big glistening color-filled bubble in your chest, pulling you irresistibly toward creativity and success. You can resist or even try to run away, but The Pull will not be denied.

That’s how it was for me with How to be Happy (No Fairy Dust or Moonbeams Required), Reclaim Your Love, my new Kindle formatting service, and love, among other things. It wasn’t so much that I had an idea or a project. It was more like the idea or project having me. Like the stray cat who wouldn’t stop meowing on my porch until I let her in, these ideas wouldn’t leave me alone until I let them fill my life with awesomeness.

Sometimes it’s like that, but then there are the other times. You know there’s a good reason for what you’re doing, and your mind is on board, but you just can’t seem to get your energy flowing.

If you’ve experienced The Pull, and then experienced the lack of it, you know what a slog it can be to try to work when it’s gone. So, what can you do?

Part of the nature of The Pull is that you don’t control it. You can’t just wish it into existence. If anything, it’s strongest for endeavors outside the circle of “should” or the schedule blocks of today’s plan.

But you can create the conditions that enable it, or at least stop hindering it.

Think about what you’ve loved throughout your life: people, interests, causes, creative pursuits, projects. You’ve probably had many passions come and go over time. Maybe a few have endured.

What makes the difference?

When I started my current business, my biggest fear was that I’d lose interest after a few years. It started as a grand passion, but then, so did my now-mothballed yarn business, as well as my pursuits of watercolor painting, photography, roller hockey, music, teaching, autocross, contra dancing, and several exes in their time. Obviously, passion isn’t enough.

I don’t have a final answer to this question, honestly. I’d love to hear any insights you have on it in the comments.

But here’s the best I can come up with.

• Take another look at the idea itself. What drew you to it in the first place? Do those qualities still hold? Do they still appeal to you? If not, is there something similar or related that might engage you, or is it simply time to move on?

  For example, when I started my yarn business, the colors and textures were irresistible to me, and the appeal was even more intense because my day job wasn’t creative at all. Yarn hasn’t lost its color or fuzziness, but I moved away from a place that’s gray or white with snow half the year, and I do interesting, creative work now. In short, the gap I used to fill with yarn has been filled with other things. But lately, I’ve been getting re-obsessed with Nuno felting, so I may have a fiber arts resurgence.

• Consider your reasons. What drew you to this in the beginning? Is that draw still there? If not, are there other reasons that could draw you to it?

  For example, I started autocross partly because I was feeling a lot of aggression, and I wanted to feel adrenaline and speed and power. Now, my life is much calmer and happier, but I still want to go to autocross for the fun company of the other racers and for the satisfaction of overcoming my fears and getting better at it.

  On the other hand, I started kung fu mainly because I wanted to punch and kick something. Once I got happier, kung fu really didn’t have any place in my life any more, so it made sense for me to drop it and pursue other things instead.

  It’s important to listen to yourself. If you feel fear or resistance but you’re just in The Dip, by all means, keep going. But if you really don’t want to do it any more, admit it and move on. Your energy will be much stronger for something you want to do.

• Look at your expectations, especially of yourself. Whenever we start a new pursuit, we have novelty on our side, and The Pull is enforced by our visible progress in skill or knowledge. The difference between absolute novice and marginally competent feels dramatic. It feels good.

  But as we keep doing the same thing, it’s easy to start expecting ourselves to be good at it. Your progress becomes less dramatic, and you become more aware of how far you have to go. It’s easy to get frustrated.

  Not only that, we often start focusing on outcomes. Thinking about the results we hope for can lead to disappointment, and thinking about the results we fear can lead to discouragement and dread.

  For example, when I started 17000 Days, it was my favorite thing in the world, and I couldn’t wait to get home from work to write. But as the blog transformed into a business, my view of the work also changed. Instead of just writing for the enjoyment of writing, I started thinking about outcomes. I want to write well, connect with people, share knowledge, build the community, make enough money to support myself. My primary goal is to help people build lives they love. That’s strong motivation but also a bit daunting.

  At the same time, I’m afraid that I’m writing crap, I’m too impersonal, I’m too melodramatic, I’ve lost my touch, people think I’m stupid or rude, I’m driving everyone away, I can’t do this, I’ll never make enough money to support myself, it’s all a delusion, I’m about to fail, and it’s going to hurt. Oh yeah, and I must be crazy to be worrying about all this junk–what’s wrong with me?

  With all that going on in my head, it’s no wonder it’s hard to sit down and write! I’m afraid writing will be painful, and my angst and second-guessing make that fear come true.

  If you’re going into things with a mental undercurrent of “this is going to suck,” you’re murdering The Pull. The best remedy I’ve found is to stop taking everything so seriously. In the case of writing, I remind myself it’s just one blog post. It doesn’t have to be the end-all be-all–I can write more later. And, it’s just a draft. I don’t have to get it right on the first try. I’m good at writing. It will be easy. This applies to anything–everything we do is just our best crack at it right now.

• Above all, consider your energy.

  In my life, the number one reason for losing The Pull is not taking care of myself. I think this is true for many people. If you’re low on physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual energy, how can you be filled with passion and do great things?

  Our modern world allows us to pretend that all resources are infinite, but the reality is, we need sleep and nourishment and movement and love and solitude and inspiration and interesting stuff to think about and challenge.

  We can neglect them and still minimally function, so we get fooled into thinking they’re less than essential. But if you want to do meaningful work and experience creativity and passion, you NEED these things.

  If you’re like me, you can easily slip into the habit of putting yourself last. You’ve got your work, you’ve got your chores, you’ve got your hobbies, you’ve got your relationships. There’s not enough time to do everything–something has to slide. Breaking our commitments to ourselves often appears as the path of least resistance.

  It seems easiest in the short term, but it’s a big mistake in the long run. You are your most valuable asset, and if you don’t take care of yourself, you’ll destroy your enjoyment of everything you do. If you still keep going after that, you’ll eventually destroy your ability to do what you love. Ultimately, you’ll destroy yourself.

  This is something I have to remind myself constantly. It’s easy to think I can’t afford to take an hour for a walk in the woods–forgetting the cost in mental energy, ideas, and zen that would have saved me time in the long run. The same goes for getting to bed on time, reading, professional development–all of these things are investments. The Pull needs your energy. It rarely appears when you’re depleted.

If you’re feeling far from The Pull, I hope these suggestions help you renew yourself and restore your creative fire. And if you’re in a time of Pull now, I’m cheering you on! If you’d like to share what’s got you fired up, I’d love to hear it–please inspire us all by sharing in the comments!

Imabe by Craig Walkowicz on Flickr. Creative Commons License.

I used to think something was wrong with me. I need to eat frequently or I get grumpy, then stupid. High-pitched noises give me a headache very quickly. I can’t think when there’s too much going on or if there’s a loud environment. A scratchy tag in my shirt can ruin my whole day. If someone makes a careless remark, it can bother me for days afterward.

Why can’t I just be normal?

Maybe you’ve also lost count of how many times you’ve heard things like, “Why does this bother you so much?”, “You’re way too sensitive!”, or “What are you upset about this time?” If so, you may be a highly sensitive person. Here are a few indicators:

• You notice things other people don’t
• Other people’s moods affect you
• You’re easily overwhelmed by strong sensory input, like bright lights, loud noises, strong smells, or harsh textures
• You startle easily
• Hunger, hurrying, or being in a chaotic environment makes it difficult for you to concentrate
• You’re deeply moved by art or music. You notice and enjoy fine tastes, scents, and sounds.
• You’ve been identified by others as sensitive or shy.
• You sometimes need to go off to a quiet place by yourself to recover or recharge.¹

If this sounds like you, don’t despair. It doesn’t mean you’re weird or crazy. Psychologist Elaine Aron has found that 15-20% of people are highly sensitive.² We notice more, and we’re bothered by many things in our environments that most other people don’t even notice.

For example, when I stay in a hotel, I usually have to make two or three rounds through the room eliminating light sources before I go to sleep. The glowing clock on the microwave, the peephole shining the hall light onto my bed like a spotlight, the red light on the coffee pot switch, the gap in the curtains (and let’s not even start on the loud rattling air conditioner)…

It’s not just light and noises. I worry more than most people about being rude or hurting others’ feelings. When I don’t reply to email in a timely fashion, I’m swamped with guilt. (To everyone who has written to me in the past month, I’m really, really sorry I haven’t gotten back to you!)

I had to stop watching Law & Order CSI because I couldn’t stop thinking about the horrible stories. I’ve pretty much stopped following politics, too–I start worrying too much about the nation being doomed and get all upset.

When I express these concerns, most people react with confusion, and eventually annoyance. Why am I so sensitive? These things are not that big a deal. Why can’t I just get over them?

I’ve always wondered that; now research seems to be pointing to an answer: Being highly sensitive may be an inborn trait. It’s not just found in humans, either. Many species of animals also have highly sensitive individuals making up about 20% of the population.³

We’re not freaks. We’re the ones who notice that subtle rustle in the grass and warn everyone else before the lion attacks.

If you’re a highly sensitive person, there is good news. First of all, you’re not alone, and it doesn’t mean something is wrong with you, no matter what disapproving people in your past may have told you.

Also, there are many advantages to being highly sensitive.

• I usually know well in advance when I will need a new muffler. (I can hear the change in the way my car sounds, even though when I take it in, the mechanic says everything is fine.)
• A good meal is enough to fill me with multidimensional delight, especially if it’s presented in an attractive way.
• I notice and appreciate silence, flowers, the stars, sunsets. All of these are spectacular to me.
• Love is intense, and sex is transcendental.

Highly sensitive people also make good friends. When someone is hurt or bothered by something, we usually see their side easily and feel for them. We’re great listeners, and we’re good at facilitating situations to make everyone feel comfortable.

Help for the highly sensitive

Even if you’re not highly sensitive yourself, you probably know someone who is. You can help by being aware of the kinds of things that bother him or her. Think about your pet peeves and annoyances–your HSP is just as bothered, if not more so, by many things that seem inconsequential to you. Reacting with compassion (rather than impatience) goes a long way.

Sometimes, we get too caught up in our experiences to help ourselves. During those times, if you can step in and suggest a rest, a snack, or some fresh air, you do us a great service.

We HSPs need to remember the upsides and be gentle with ourselves, too. If you’re highly sensitive, you’re probably used to other people being dismissive and impatient when things bother you. If you react in the same way to yourself, that just makes it worse.

Forget about whether or not something “should” bother you. It’s much more helpful to focus on how you can take care of yourself.

• If you’re at a social event and feeling overstimulated, how can you take a break and recharge?
• If one person consistently says things that bother you, how can you change the relationship so that you aren’t bothered by this person? Or might you be better to avoid him or her whenever you can?
• Can you replace noisy environments with quiet ones, bright hotel rooms with dark ones, scratchy clothes with comfortable ones, ugly things with beautiful ones, too much with just enough?

Whether you’re highly sensitive or not, it’s ok to be bothered by things, even if it seems unreasonable or other people don’t mind them. We can all help ourselves handle adversity gracefully by taking care of ourselves: getting enough sleep, eating well, exercising, and getting our own best balance of social time and solitude.

Do you have a good tip for coping with unpleasant or overwhelming situations? If so, please share in the comments!

If you want more information on this subject, I’m currently reading Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking, a fascinating book on being an introvert that also touches on highly sensitive people–there’s a lot of overlap between the two groups. Also, Dr. Aron has written a book specifically on being a highly sensitive person, which I have not yet read but am eager to: The Highly Sensitive Person

¹ Elaine Aron. “The Highly Sensitive Person.” http://www.hsperson.com/index.html

² Elaine Aron. “Are you highly sensitive? A self-test.” http://www.hsperson.com/pages/test.htm

³ Susan Cain. Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking, Crown Publishers, New York, 2011, pp. 138, 146.

Image by I.. C.. U.. on Flickr. Creative Commons License.

I stood frozen, watching the car speed toward me. It was a deer-in-the-headlights moment: I knew I had to get out of the way, but there I stood, rooted to the spot as the car got closer.

“Run! Go to the outside of the curve!” a friend yelled.

The outside was closer, but several cars had already spun out on that curve. If this driver lost control, the car would go right where I was, and there was a fence. I would have nowhere to go, no way to escape.

The inside of the curve was safer, but farther. Would I have time to make it that far?

I stood paralyzed, undecided. Running out of time.

Obey advice I disagreed with? Or disobey someone I respected and bet it all on my own judgment?

As the moment stretched out, it felt like my mind was empty, but on another level, thoughts were flashing by:

• My mom would kill me if she knew I was doing this.
• I don’t want to die.
• Now maybe I won’t have to go to work on Monday.

At the last split second, I snapped out of my trance and ran like hell for the inside of the curve.

I made it. But for the rest of the day, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I couldn’t clear my mind from the image of that car speeding toward me as I stood immobile in its path.

Almost getting run over was scary enough, but what bothered me most was my contribution to the danger. Why had I stood there all that time in the path of the car? Did I secretly want to get hit?

The idea that I couldn’t trust myself with my own safety scared me. And then there was that out-of-place thought about not having to go to work on Monday. Did I really just put my life at risk as a way to ditch work?

As I replayed the scene over and over in my mind, trying to make sense of it, I couldn’t help thinking about my life. What if I really had been hit and killed in that moment? What if that had been the end?

It made me think about what I was doing with my life, how I was spending my time, what was important to me and what wasn’t. I realized that almost nothing I was doing mattered to me at all. I wasn’t sure what to do instead, but one thing I knew for sure: there was no way I was going to keep wasting my life at that job. I would have quit immediately if I had known what to replace it with, but I didn’t, and I still needed money to live on.

Clearly, though, something had to change. I couldn’t just go back to work Monday morning and pretend nothing had happened.

I ended up compromising: I cut back to part time. I worked out a deal where I worked noon to 6 pm most days, with one normal full-time day per week. That kept me at 80% of full-time, which meant I could keep all of my benefits. I liked that, but what I liked even better was that suddenly, four mornings a week belonged to me. I felt like I bought my life back.

Meanwhile, I made a deal with myself: when I figured out what I wanted to do instead, I would go and do it.

I think most of us go through periods of confusion or inertia, where we don’t know what to do or can’t seem to get unstuck. It took me awhile to figure out what I really wanted to do, and then some more time to start believing I could actually make a living at it. (Let’s face it: sometimes I’m still not sure of that.)

For me, the first step in changing my life had to be the commitment to myself. I had spent most of my life doing what I thought others wanted from me or what I thought I should do. Get good grades. Give the “right” answers. Stay in the bad marriage–you made a vow! Find a way to be positive about your job–don’t waste that education!

Deciding to listen to myself, really pay attention to what I wanted, and then act on it… that was a major reversal for me. Once I committed to it and started trusting myself, I started feeling a pull toward writing, toward blogging, toward online business. As I obeyed the pull, it got stronger and led me deeper into projects that would become successes. My dreams and desires came into sharper focus, and I pursued them.

It wasn’t just that I wanted to pursue them, although I did, very much. It was also that I had realized I was a force to be reckoned with.

If my inner self was so committed to waking me up that she would paralyze me on the race course until I chose myself over all else–if she was willing to risk death to impart this message to me–who knew what else she might be capable of? If I didn’t harness that life force to power my dreams, it was clear she would stop at nothing to get my attention, and next time, the ending might not be so pretty. But with her on my side, what could stand in my way?

After a lifetime of feeling weak and powerless, I found a dragon inside myself: elegant, strong beyond measure, and ready to breathe mythical fire into everything I created. So I started feeding it.

Happily ever after?

At this the point in the story, most people assume the fear goes away, and suddenly you can do whatever you want, magically. Success becomes effortless, everything you touch turns to gold, and you live happily ever after.

You need to know: that’s pure bullshit. Nearly everything I’ve done in pursuit of my dreams has scared the crap out of me.

• I wrote a book. I was terrified that people would hate it and say horrible things about me. I released it anyway.
• I developed a coaching package. I was petrified that nobody would want it. I offered it anyway.
• I created a workshop. I had nightmares that it wouldn’t help anybody and I’d have to send refunds to all the participants. I ran it anyway.
• I saw the chance to quit my job and work for myself. I was haunted by visions of myself and my cat, homeless and destitute. I made the leap anyway.

I did interview calls, constantly in fear that I’d forget how to talk and humiliate myself. I introduced myself to big names, expecting to be scorned. I asked for help over and over, each time with visions of outraged rejection. Whether I got what I wanted or not, it was always worth facing the fear.

Fear doesn’t go away. From big to small, most anything worth doing involves fear. The only way to avoid it is by not living. But you can learn to overcome fear… to work with it, handle it, use it.

Are you following your dreams?

Just like me, standing on the track with the car speeding toward me, you have a choice. You will not live forever. What do you want your life to be? What do you want to remember yourself for? If today was your last day, would you die satisfied that you had given life your best?

Fear is what holds us back… if we let it. Don’t let it keep you from your dreams.

If you need help transcending fear, I’ve built a 12-module self-study workshop called Beyond Fear. It will show you how to master your fears so you can do what you want to do. Click here to learn more.

Don’t put this off!

It’s time to stop letting fear hold you back. You can feel relaxed and calm in the face of strife. You can confidently be yourself, overcome procrastination and overwhelm, and accomplish what you want. You can be liberated from your fears and follow your dreams.

Now is the time to take the first step.

If you want to master fear, click the button below.

I can’t wait to see you on the other side.

Image by hartlandmartin on Flickr. Creative Commons License.

How do you approach fear? Take this quiz!

———

(If you can’t see the quiz, go back to the original post and make sure you have javascript enabled.)

Disclaimer: I’m not a doctor. I don’t even play one on tv. This is just for fun. If you have serious problems, please seek professional help.