1 Joke a Day

Drunk, really drunk...

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 08 Aug 2009 00:12:00 +0000

A drunk goes into a bar. He is very, very drunk - can hardly stand up. He slurs his way up to the bar and says:

"Hey, bartender! Gimme a martini!"

"No, no," says the bartender. "You've had too much already."

The drunk spies a dart board behind the bar.

"Tell you what," he says. "If I can throw three bull's eyes with that dart set would you let me have the drink?"

"Sure," says the bartender, thinking the guy would leave after the little game. He hands the drunk three darts. "Look out, everybody!"

Zot, zot, zot. The drunk throws three quick bull's eyes.

Well, the bartender had never seen anything like that before, but he has to make good on the wager, so he makes a martini and sets it before the drunk. He then puts a napkin next to the drink and sets a turtle on it.

"What's this," says the drunk.

"That's a prize for such fine dart throwing," says the bartender.

The drunk drinks his martini, picks up the turtle, puts it in his coat pocket, and leaves.

Well, the next night, the same drunk goes into the same bar. Again, he is hopelessly inebriated; totally faced.

"Bartender," he says. "Gimme a martini!"

"No, no," says the bartender. "You're too drunk already. Go home."

Again the drunk notices the darts.

"If I can throw three bull's eyes would you gimme the martini?" he asks.

The bartender thinks, "This guy can't be that lucky again. I'll get rid of him."

"Sure, sure," he says, handing the darts over.

Bip, bip, bip. Three bull's eyes.

"Holy cow," says the bartender, and he gives the drunk guy a martini. Again, he sets a turtle next to it.

"What's this?" asks the drunk.

"That's a prize for being such a good shot."

"Oh," says the drunk, and he quaffs his martini, puts the turtle in his coat pocket, and leaves.

Believe it or not, the very next night the same drunk enters the same bar.

"Gimme a martini!" he demands.

"No, no," says the bartender. "You've been overserved already. Get on home."

Spying the dart board once more, the drunk guy says:"Would tossing three bull's eyes prove that I'm not overserved?"

The bartender can't believe that anybody this drunk could possibly hit the dart board, let alone get three bull's eyes.

"OK," he says, forking over the three darts.

The drunk deftly grabs all three darts and tosses them simultaneously.

Thwock! All three darts land solidly in the bull's eye!

"Unbelievable!" says the incredulous bartender. True to his word, he prepares a martini and sets it before the drunk guy. He then lays a beautiful long-stem rose on the bar next to the cocktail.

"What's this?" asks the drunk.

"That's a special prize for being so good at darts," says the bartender.

"Oh," says the drunk. "All out of roast beef on a hard roll, huh?"

How Stupid can One be?

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 07 Aug 2009 00:05:00 +0000

A fellow walks into a bar very down on himself. As he walks up to the bar the bartender asks, "what's the matter?"

The fellow replies, "well I've got these two horses (sniff,sniff), and well... I can't tell them apart. I don't know if I'm mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods."

The bartender, feeling sorry for the guy, tries to think of somthing he can do. "Why don't you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?"

The man stops crying and says, "that sounds like a good idea, I think I'll try it."

A few months later he comes back to the bar in worse condition than he was before. "What's the matter now?" the bartender asks.

The fellow, in no condition to be in public, answers, "I shaved the tail of one of the horses (sob, sob), but it grew back and I can't tell them apart again!" The bartender, now just wanting him to shut up or leave says, "why don't you try shaving the mane, maybe that will not grow back."

The fellow stops crying, has a few drinks, and leaves. A few months later the fellow is back in the bar. The bartender has never seen anybody in this sorry of a state. Without the bartender even asking the fellow breaks into his problems. "I.. I shaved the (sob) mane of one of the (sniff) horses, and... it... it... grew back!"

The bartenter, now furious at the guy's general stupidity, yells, "for crying out loud, just measure the stupid horses. Perhaps one is slightly taller that the other one!" The fellow can not believe what the bartender has said and storms out of the bar.

The next day the fellow comes running back into the bar as if he had just won the lottery. "It worked, it worked!" he exclaims. "I measured the horses and the black one is two inches taller than the white one!"

Best Beer of All

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 06 Aug 2009 00:33:00 +0000

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."

UFO Q & A

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 05 Aug 2009 00:21:00 +0000

Q. Why do aliens make crop circles?
A. Because they are corny.

Q. Where do dumb aliens go?
A. Area 52.

Q. How are men like UFOs?
A. You don't know where they come from, what their mission is, or what time they're going to take off.

Q. What do smart blondes and UFO's have in common?
A. You always hear about them but never see them.

10 Fast Food Screw Ups

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 04 Aug 2009 00:19:00 +0000

Haven't you ever had the urge to loose control when ordering that burrito or burger and drink combo?
1. Ask for last months specials.

2. Place your order in three different languages if you don't know any, make them up.

3. When they repeat your order totally change it. Repeat as desired.

4. Order a whopper from McDonalds, when they say they don't have whoppers insist that they do. If they still argue demand to see a manager then when you talk to them order a normal meal and say i don't know what's up with kids these days.

5. Go to any burger joint and order Chinese.

6. When ordering in the drive through, ask if its happy hour on draft beer.

7. In summer turn stereo up full volume to Christmas music while ordering in drive through.

8. Drive in the drive through, park, then go inside and order.

9. Go through the drive through in reverse, again.

10. Wait for the busiest time of day, after paying get out of car, get jack out of trunk and proceed to rotate tires.

Making the Maximum Profit

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 03 Aug 2009 00:32:00 +0000

Overheard at a party:

The bookmakers are taking bets on who Donald Trump will marry next (a serious remark).

Odds are: Marla Maples 34 to 1, Elizabeth Taylor 5000 to 1, etc. etc., and Boy George 65000 to 1.

Someone else who overheard suggested that The Donald would place a large bet on Boy George and marry him to collect.

Economic Woes

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sun, 02 Aug 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Who would have thought the economy would get this bad...

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Jewish women are marrying for love.

Even people who have nothing to do with the Obama administration aren't paying their taxes.

Hotwheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

Obama met with small businesses to discuss the Stimulus Package: GE, Pfizer and Citigroup.

McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

A truckload of Americans got caught sneaking into Mexico.

The most highly-paid job is now jury duty.

People in Africa are donating money to Americans.

Motel Six won't leave the light on.

The Mafia is laying off judges.

And finally...

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh great... the guy who made $50 billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $750 billion disappear.

Insurance Debate

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 01 Aug 2009 00:45:00 +0000

The American Medical Association has weighed in on National Health Insurance...

The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception. Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, 'Oh, Grow up!' The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing. The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington.

Stomping

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 31 Jul 2009 00:38:00 +0000

One day, a little boy, was outside in the backyard stomping on honeybees.

When his father came out and saw what the little boy was doing, he made him stop right away and told the little boy, "That's it for you. No honey for a week."

Well, then the little boy went to the front yard of the house and started stomping on butterflies. When his father saw what Teddy was doing, he made him stop right away and said, "Stomping on butterflies is a terrible thing to do. Just for that, no butter for a week."

After that, little boy and his father went into the kitchen and saw the little boy's mother stomping on cockroaches.

The little boy turned to his father and said, "Should I tell her or should you?"

Four Catholic Ladies

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 30 Jul 2009 00:06:00 +0000

Four Catholic ladies were having coffee.

The first Catholic woman tells her friends "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father."

The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him, "Your Grace."

The third Catholic mother says, "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Eminence."

Since the fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence, the first three women give her this subtle, "Well?"

So she replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2", hard-bodied dancer. When he walks into a room, people say, "Oh my God!"

The Ten Most Wanted Men

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 29 Jul 2009 00:03:00 +0000

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to the local police station, where they saw pictures of the 10 Most Wanted men tacked to a bulletin board.

One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want him very badly."

So Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"

You know you're out of college when

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 28 Jul 2009 00:32:00 +0000

1. Your salary is less than your tuition.

2. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

3. Mac & Cheese no longer counts as a well-balanced meal.

4. You haven't seen a soap opera in over a year.

5. 8:00 am is not early.

6. Your friends marry instead of hook-up and divorce instead of break-up.

7. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.

8. Adults feel comfortable telling jokes about sex in front of you... and they're no longer "adults" - they are your peers.

9. You go to parties that police don't raid.

10. Half your conversations with current college students start with, "When I was in college..."

Contagious

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 27 Jul 2009 00:57:00 +0000

A teacher is instructing her fourth grade class, and she's telling them that the word of the day is 'contagious.' She asks if anyone can use this word in a sentence, and several students raise their hands.

"Carl," she says.

Carl says, "My dad told me to stay away from kids with mumps 'cause they're contagious."

"Very good," says the teacher.

Then she picks Suzie, who says, "The atmosphere was contagious."

The teacher says, "Excellent, Suzie!"

Then she notices that little Johnny has his hand up at the back of the class. "Yes, Johnny?"

Johnny says, "The other day, me and my dad's a-sittin' around, and we saw our blonde neighbor painting her fence. She had a tiny little model car paintbrush, and she was going in tiny little strokes up and down the fence, and my dad says to me, 'Jesus, it's gonna take that cunt ages to finish that fence.'"

10 Business Rules to Live By

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sun, 26 Jul 2009 00:02:00 +0000

1. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.

2. Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

3. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

4. When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

5. If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

6. Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."

7. Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.

8. Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.

9. If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

10. No matter how much you do, you never do enough.

Pastor Fuzz

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 25 Jul 2009 00:48:00 +0000

The Reverend John Fuzz was a pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day he was walking down Main Street and he happened to notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer. The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do. He walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman. "Mrs. Fitzgerald," the reverend said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"

"Sure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The reverend realized that she had had too much to drink and he grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up laying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.

The bartender looked over the bar and said, "Here, here buddy, we won't have any of that carrying around in this bar!"

The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fuzz."

The bartender nodded and said, "Hell then, if you're that far in, you might as well finish up."

Cheap Parrots

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 24 Jul 2009 00:47:00 +0000

A lady approaches her priest and says, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquires.

"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'"

"That's terrible," the priest exclaims, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."

"Thank you!" the woman responds.

The next day, the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots, and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"

Economic Pressures

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 23 Jul 2009 00:23:00 +0000

Faced with economic pressures, many commercial offices are cutting back on costs wherever possible, in an attempt to remain profitable.

At one particular office, employees are taking management's belt-tightening orders seriously:

"I'm making 2 cups of coffee instead of 5 a day from the office kitchen" said one of the staffs.

"I'm taking home only half the office supplies I used to" one staf noted.

"I'm using 1 roll of toilet paper instead of 2 rolls a day" said the other who mentioned that he used to spend 2 hours in the office toilet a day.

Defamation

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 22 Jul 2009 00:21:00 +0000

Sunday, November 29, 1992

The Ontario Press Council dismissed a complaint filed by Allan Sorensen against the Toronto Sun, which had reported that Sorenson had choked his ex-girlfriend.

Sorensen's complaint was that his reputation was damaged because the Sun engaged in "speculation" that he had used only one hand to choke her (the other being forced into her mouth). In fact, he said he used both hands.

Stop credit card fraud

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 21 Jul 2009 00:14:00 +0000

Apparently this is a TRUE STORY...

Many folks have written with perfectly plausible explanations about why merchants take my phone number on a credit card charge. What these fail to address, however, is that if I'm perpetrating a fraud in the use of this credit card, I'm not about to give out a correct phone number. They make no effort to validate the phone number before I leave, so what they're doing is collecting the phone numbers of a bunch of honest people.

Now then... Why are they collecting the phone numbers of a bunch of honest people?

I once asked why you are asked for your phone number when using your charge cards. The clerk explained that theives have been caught because they stupidly put down THEIR home phone number, not the phone number of the person who "owned" the card.

Stuck under a Bridge

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 20 Jul 2009 00:17:00 +0000

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "Low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck huh?"

The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

Wooden Surprise

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sun, 19 Jul 2009 00:16:00 +0000

Harry was sensitive about his wooden leg and afraid no woman would have him. He was delighted when he found a young woman who accepted his proposal of marriage. He couldn't bring himself to tell his fiancée about his leg when he slipped the ring on her finger, nor when she bought the dress, nor when they picked the time and place. All he kept saying was, "Darling, I've got a big surprise for you," at which she blushed and smiled bewitchingly.

The wedding night came and went, and the young couple was at last alone in their hotel room. "Now don't forget, Harry, you promised me a big surprise," said the bride.

Unable to say a word, Harry turned out the lights, unstrapped his wooden leg, slipped into bed, and placed his wife's hand on the stump.

"Hmmmmm," she said softly, "that is a surprise. But pass me the Vaseline and I'll see what I can do!"

Getting French Girls' Attentions

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 18 Jul 2009 00:11:00 +0000

A redneck is walking along the beach in France. There are many beautiful women lying in the sun, and he really wants to meet one. But try as he might, the women don't seem to be at all interested. Finally, as a last resort, he walks up to a French guy lying on the beach who is surrounded by adoring women.

"Excuse me," he says, taking the guy aside, "but I've been trying to meet one of those women for about an hour now, and I just can't seem to get anywhere with them. You're French. You know these women. What do they want?"

"Maybe I can help a leetle beet," says the Frenchman. "What you do ees you go to zee store. You buy a leetle bikini sweeming suit. You walk up and down zee beach. You meet girl very qweekly zees way."

"Wow! Thanks!" says the redneck, and off he goes to the store. He buys a skimpy red bathing suit, puts it on, and goes back to the beach. He parades up and down the beach but still has no luck with the ladies.

So he goes back to the Frenchman. "I'm sorry to bother you again," he says, "but I went to the store, I got a swimsuit, and I still haven't been able to meet a girl."

"Okay," says the Frenchman, "I tell you what you do. You go to zee store. You buy potato. You put potato in sweeming suit and walk up and down zee beach. You will meet girl very, very qweekly zees way."

"Thanks!" says the guy, and runs off to the store. He buys the potato, puts it in the swimsuit, and marches up and down the beach. Up and down, up and down he walks, but the women will hardly even look at him. After half an hour he can't take it anymore and goes back to the Frenchman.

"Look," he says, "I got the suit, I put the potato in it, and I walked up and down the beach-- and still nothing! What more can I do?"

"Well," says the Frenchman, "maybe I can help you a leetle beet. Why don't you try moving zee potato to the FRONT of zee sweeming suit?"

Money from the Priest

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 17 Jul 2009 00:01:00 +0000

There is a girl walking up the stairs in a church one day. As the priest is walking by, he looks up and notices that this girl is not wearing any panties.

The Priest calls the girl and gives her $20 and says, "Little girl, take this money and buy yourself some panties. It's not proper to walk around without any panties on."

The girl goes home and gives the money to her mother and asks her mother to buy panties for her. When the mother asks where the girl got the money, the girl explained what happened.

Upon hearing how the girl got the money, the mother rushes to her room, whips off her panties, and puts on one of her shortest dresses and runs out to the church.

As soon as the mother sees the priest coming, she begins to walk up the stairs. The priest then notices the lady and calls her down.

The woman not wanting to show that she is expecting anything, walks back to the priest very calmly.

The priest hands the lady $1 and says... "Lady, take this money and for God's sake, go buy yourself a razor!"

Gay Man Meets Saint Peter

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 16 Jul 2009 00:03:00 +0000

Once, a gay man went to heaven. At the Great Gate, Saint Peter was waiting for him. After rewieving his records Saint Pete decided to let him in. "Follow me" he said, opening the gate and walking in.

After some walk, Saint Pete's keys accidentally fell on the ground. Unaware, he bent over to pick up the keys. That was something the gay man just couldn't resist, so he jumped on him and did his thing. Saint Pete was furious. "If you do that again, You'll go straight to hell! But follow me, we're almost there."

After some more walk, Pete dropped his keys again, and again, the gay man jumped on him. Saint Pete was even more furious than before, but decided to give the gay guy one last chance.

Again they walk and for the third time Peter drops his keys, so he bends over and picks them up. The gay guy, having no self control jumps on him. Pete is now fed up and sends the gay guy straight to hell.

A few weeks later, Saint Peter goes down to hell for his routine inspection, but this time something is wrong, it is freezing, no fire, no lava and in one corner, he finds the devil lying under a stack of blankets freezing his ass of.

"Why is it so god damn cold down here? "Pete asks.

"Well you just try bending down for firewood!!" The devil replied.

Reporter

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 15 Jul 2009 00:07:00 +0000

Johnny and Kip were playing hockey at Forest Park skating rink. Suddenly a vicious pit bull came up and attacked Kip. Instead of panicking, Johnny sneaked up behind the dog, stuck his hockey stick in the dog's collar, and broke the dog's neck.

A reporter from St. Louis heard about what had happened with the boy and he went to the Johnny's house to visit him. He asked Johnny how all of this happened, and Johnny told him. Then he asked Johnny if he could write about him, and Johnny said sure. So the reporter pulled out his notepad and started writing, "Blues fan from St. Louis saves friend from vicious dog."

Johnny said, "I'm not a Blues fan."

So the reporter started writing again. "Cardinals fan from St. Louis saves friend from dog."

Johnny said, "I'm not a Cardinals fan either."

The reporter finally asked, "What the hell are you a fan of?"

Johnny said, "I'm a Detroit Redwings fan."

The reporter frowned and stared writing again: "Little bastard from Michigan kills family pet."