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Coined: Danny Authored: Danny Commentary: Danny: I thought I was...

Sat, 02 Jun 2012 00:38:00 -0400

Coined: Danny

Authored: Danny

Commentary:

Danny: I thought I was being clever making this card, but once I played it, I found that I was by far the most victimized by it. It was quite a sobering experience.

Tomek: Oh boy, you can’t swear when playing the game now? Sounds like fun! Maybe when we’re all done we can go hang ourselves?

Alex:

Coined: Alex Authored: Alex Commentary: Danny: This is quite...

Sat, 02 Jun 2012 00:18:00 -0400

Coined: Alex

Authored: Alex

Commentary:

Danny: This is quite possibly the happiest card any of us has ever made. It disgusts me. It is the only card I refuse to play on myself out of sheer contempt. Alex truly is an insidious man.

Tomek: If Maddox keels over in a forest, does anyone care?

Alex:

Coined: Danny Authored: Danny Commentary: Danny: This is one of...

Fri, 06 Jan 2012 00:44:00 -0500

Coined: Danny

Authored: Danny

Commentary:

Danny: This is one of those cards made out of extreme spite towards another player. Needless to say it payed off. Benzene and I were both pleased.

Tomek: I would get this card right if I stopped half-gluteus-maximizing my work.

Alex:

Coined: Harry Enfield Authored: Tomek Commentary: Danny:...

Fri, 06 Jan 2012 00:24:00 -0500

Coined: Harry Enfield

Authored: Tomek

Commentary:

Danny: “NURSE, I’M GONNA ATTEND TO LOADSAMONEY. GOT TOO MUCH MONEY.” If ever there were a song that depicted the plight of men with way too much money, it would be Loadsamoney. Harry Enfield has done what none of us could even dream to do.

Tomek: “THE RANSOM DEMAND IS ONE MILLION DOLLARS!” I could talk about the blatant relevance of Enfield’s brilliant social satire (that it is) and it’s place as a contemporary piece of art. However, I would like to point out the sudden increase in the quality of the illustration over this card and all subsequent cards.

Alex: Final Score: Manchester United - nil. Loadsamoney United - loads.

Coined: Alex Authored: Alex Commentary: Danny: I would link to...

Wed, 21 Sep 2011 00:32:00 -0400

Coined: Alex

Authored: Alex

Commentary:

Danny: I would link to every card Tomek has made that follows this formula, but I have a 2,000 word maximum for my commentary. Tomek sticks to the tried and true method of card creation more times than not. He starts it off with a title ending in “Card,” hastily scribbles a drawing, adds some random words, quotes, and arrows, then finally puts the point effect at the bottom. Don’t misinterpret this as caustic criticism, however. Some of Tomek’s best creations have been spawned from this template.

Tomek: I do have something to say. This is a card done by my fellow colleague who does not understand the very deep and thought-provoking effectiveness of my cards. He is a critic with no reputation. A critic who does not understand and has no experience in the field of experimental card making or years of studying philosophy to understand the deep bondage between the metaphysical overtones of my cards and life and reason around us. He is merely a man who lives his life by a series of disconnected and pointless vignettes. He gets satisfaction in life by cheap thrills that temporarily give him manufactured happiness. It is a happiness that applies to only the people of the lowest common denominator. Look back at the card now. Is it a smart satire of my card-making? Does the card still inspire you with my colleague’s supposed use of wit and humor to criticize my art? Now you see. It is graphic. It is vulgar. It is worthless.

Alex: A Classic Tomek Commentary: Assert superiority over friends, then pretend what he does has artistic merit, then go on about a history of something that doesn’t exist, then reassert superiority, then reassert artistic merit, then use rhetoric he just learned that week from his English class.

Coined: raocow Authored: Stephen Commentary: Danny: When first...

Tue, 20 Sep 2011 00:30:00 -0400

Coined: raocow

Authored: Stephen

Commentary:

Danny: When first finding this playing of Cat Planet, I stared in a content trance for both of its installments. There is no reason for me to love it as much as I do, but I love it incredibly. My only gripe is that this card detracts points instead of adding them. There is no detracting point in either of the videos.

Tomek: cat planet cat planet cat planet cat planet cat planet…

Alex: I watched this video for 40 minutes. It is a good video.

Coined: Tomek Authored: Tomek Commentary: Danny: This drawing is...

Sun, 04 Sep 2011 00:30:00 -0400

Coined: Tomek

Authored: Tomek

Commentary:

Danny: This drawing is so fantastic. Compared to Tomek’s usual haphazard drawing style and scribbles, this card screams simplicity and the perspective is near perfect. This card is almost worth the $30 Tomek paid for the actual tie clip.

Tomek: Somebody smart or maybe stupid once said: “Always accessorize!” Well, that does not apply here, because this is not an accessory but rather a necessity. It’s like wearing shoes without the shoes or wearing pants without the pants. Get it? When you wear a tie, you wear a tie clip. It prevents ties from flapping around and wearing it is the classiest thing you can do besides donating a Ferrari to every orphaned child in the world. Interesting fact: when your tie material matches your suit material, you automatically get knighted by the Queen of England.

Alex: Everyone knows tie clips were invented by Men’s Wearhouse for the sole purpose of increasing sales. If you actually want to keep your tie fastened to your shirt, use a paper clip. It’s just as effective and can easily be hidden.

Coined: Futurama Authored: Alex Commentary: Danny: To be honest...

Sat, 03 Sep 2011 00:32:00 -0400

Coined: Futurama

Authored: Alex

Commentary:

Danny: To be honest I’m not sure which would be the greater torture; having yourself and all of mankind the eternal slave of giraffekind, or the only method of proctology being a rusty sword in the ass.

Tomek: This song is stupid, listen to the original.

Alex: This drawing may look crude, but I was honestly impressed with how it turned out. What you see there may be the best giraffe I’ve ever drawn. There’s a reason not a lot of my cards show up here.

Coined: Stephen Authored: Stephen Commentary: Alex: Normally,...

Fri, 02 Sep 2011 00:32:05 -0400

Coined: Stephen

Authored: Stephen

Commentary:

Alex: Normally, I’d never admit to being gay, but I don’t know, man. 200 points is a lot.

Danny: Some of you may see this card and think to yourself that it discriminates against gays. Some of you may even believe it discriminates against straights, but the truth cannot be stowed away in a closet somewhere. This card demeans the world’s humble closet-dwellers. Not only does it imply being in the closet is bad, it also forces you to vacate or otherwise lose 200 points. Now to the rich, dresser-dweller, that doesn’t know the hardships of a closet, this may seem like no big deal. For those condemned to a life in the closet, however, 200 points can mean the difference between life and death.

Tomek: I wonder if this closet has “stepped out of the closet” so to speak. I can visualize it already: on the outside it as an old cherry wood finish from before the war, but on the inside there is a disco ball, flamboyant colors on ribbons,The Village People playing 24/7, and the aroma of Richard Simmons. You see, this closet was a “closeted gay closet” all his life. He married, had drawers, and eventually grew up to be an old and proud grandfather closet. It’s time we start questioning why people “step out of the closet”. If it was that closet, then I would have sure as hell stepped out quite a while ago.

Coined: Tomek Authored: Alex Commentary: Alex: A lesser known...

Thu, 01 Sep 2011 00:30:00 -0400

Coined: Tomek

Authored: Alex

Commentary:

Alex: A lesser known alternative swaps the tea for coffee and changes the ratio to ¾ths cream, 1/8th coffee, and 1/8th milk. This obscure concoction is sometimes referred to as the Starbucks Frappucino.

Danny: As good as this concoction is, nothing will ever top club soda. Golfers make the best drinks.

Tomek: I have already discussed how tea should be drink, drank, and drunk in a previous card, now it is time to criticize this obscene concoction. What the hell is this? Tea, milk, and cream? Tea and milk is one thing, why add cream as well? Also, watch out for your order of operations on this baby; you don’t want to be please excusing your dear Aunt Sally to go vomit out your liver. This is a dangerous mix in the least if you mix up your “halves” and for example start square rooting your amount of tea and squaring the amount of milk. It’s disgusting. This is pure blasphemy in the church of Arnold Palmer.

Coined: Tomek Authored: Tomek Commentary: Danny: Every day Alex...

Wed, 31 Aug 2011 00:31:00 -0400

Coined: Tomek

Authored: Tomek

Commentary:

Danny: Every day Alex would mysteriously disappear, completely unannounced. We would all worry for his life, sweating over what could have possibly been the reason for his sudden departure. Then, Alex would return, diet soda in hand, as we all shook our heads in disappointment. Addiction is truly a powerful force.

Alex: I used to have one of these every day. Sometimes, if the machine was taking too long, I’d pound it until a drink came out. Once, it took my money but didn’t give me my daily diet soda. I tipped it over in unbridled rage, and it broke the leg of the girl behind me. However, after becoming part of AA (Aspartame Anonymous), I am glad to say that I have not indulged in Fanta Zero in 4 months, and that I can now put my shameful addiction in the past.

Tomek: SHUT UP. JUST SHUT UP. I DON’T CARE ABOUT THIS GAME. OR THIS COMMENTARY. I JUST WANT MY FANTA/SPRITE ZERO. GIVE IT TO ME NOW. TAKE MY WATCH. TAKE MY FAMILY. JUST GIVE ME THE STUFF. OH GOD! YES! OH S*** THAT FEELS GOOD. OH FEEL THE ASPARTAME RUSH DOWN MY THROAT. YES! YES! YES! OH GOD GIVE ME MORE. MY SOUL? SURE! YEAH. I GOT SOME NEEDLES IN THE DRAWER. JUST PUMP IT INTO MY BLOOD. STRAIGHT IN THERE. OH GOD…….yes. i am happy now.

Coined: Tomek Authored: Tomek Commentary: Alex: Tomek...

Tue, 30 Aug 2011 00:30:00 -0400

Coined: Tomek

Authored: Tomek

Commentary:

Alex: Tomek successfully curbed the onslaught of butt cards being made with this. I think he lost 800 points for making it though.

Danny: The loss of 800 points was a noble sacrifice indeed. In creating this card, Tomek culled the torrent of butt cards that flowed from the pen of Steve. A menace was stopped in its tracks that day. It is truly unfortunate it was at such a cost.

Tomek: I cannot help but allude to Walt Whitman's O Captain! My Captain! I still remember everyone cheering for the success of removing all cards of anus reference. There were parades, festivals and even statues named in my honor. My pen was worn out from the battles I fought, and yet it was a day for rejoicing! Everyone was ready to hear my speech. A speech of how I conquered Steve’s onslaught of butt cards filled with magnificent imagery and emotion backed with tears and painful memories! Such a magnificent day, and yet Danny and Alex knew that by their side I was lying on the ground with a loss of 800 points. There their captain rested, fallen cold and dead.

Coined: Tomek Authored: Tomek Commentary: Alex: Steve sends...

Mon, 29 Aug 2011 00:32:00 -0400

Coined: Tomek

Authored: Tomek

Commentary:

Alex: Steve sends upwards of 10,000 messages a month on his phone. This card is dedicated to that person in your life.

Tomek: After all the abuse this poor Blackberry took from Steve over it’s working years, I’m proud to say that it is now happily retired in a comfy little cottage in England. Unfortunately, it’s the things this Blackberry has seen that will never be erased from his memory. It has been scarred for life. Deep. Burning. Scars.

Danny: Since this card’s inception, Steve has swapped out his Blackberry for an Droid. It’s still just as relevant, however, because he still throws it at everyone and still brings it everywhere he goes. It’s a wonder why nobody has reported him to social services yet.

Coined: Tomek Authored: Tomek Commentary: Alex: Only Tomek. What...

Sun, 28 Aug 2011 00:30:00 -0400

Coined: Tomek

Authored: Tomek

Commentary:

Alex: Only Tomek. What a disgusting slob.

Danny: I swear it kills me every time I see this card. What is the so called “bit of food” anyway?! It’s as if someone took a mushroom, macaroni noodle, shrimp, and fortune cookie then blended them all together into some abomination of the culinary world. I would think twice before saving this particular morsel.

Tomek: It’s that small bit of food that is left after you’ve finished your meal. There is really nothing else I can say.

Coined: Tomek Authored: Tomek Commentary: Alex:...

Wed, 29 Jun 2011 00:09:00 -0400

Coined: Tomek

Authored: Tomek

Commentary:

Alex: G-E-N-E-A-L-O-G-Y. I found that in the “Dictionary” section of the Library, which, unlike Genealogy, is of worth.

Tomek: Commenting on this would be useless.

Danny: This card is anything but useless. You can add or subtract 0! The versatility crammed in this baby is off the charts.

Coined: Danny Authored: Danny Commentary: Alex: One of those...

Tue, 05 Apr 2011 00:31:00 -0400

Coined: Danny

Authored: Danny

Commentary:

Alex: One of those cards that should be made early in the game to get things going. Nothing really special or interesting, but adds variety to the sea of point cards.

Danny: If you happen to know someone has a specifically awesome card, or an entire hand that’s amazing, swap will make their heart sink as you soon find yourself the owner of their beloved hand. A card not to be used lightly.

Tomek: Unless their hand sucks a**. Then you’re screwed.

Coined: You Don’t Know...

Mon, 04 Apr 2011 00:31:00 -0400

Coined: You Don’t Know Jack

Authored: Alex

Commentary:

Alex: My triple-point diagram is the stuff of legend.

Danny: One of the hilarious name assignments for a four-player game in the amazing game, You Don’t Know Jack. Player four is always the one with the one with the awesome names, however.

Tomek: Mrs. Booher can somehow be connected to everything at the same time. Even more dangerous when teamed up with Mr. Lu.

Coined: Tomek Authored: Tomek Commentary: Danny: I must say that...

Sat, 02 Apr 2011 00:31:00 -0400

Coined: Tomek

Authored: Tomek

Commentary:

Danny: I must say that is the blandest glass of tea I’ve ever seen. Deserves a greater deduction than 100 points in my opinion.

Tomek: I sure hate sweetened ice tea; I could really gag on it from “grossness”. But I also hate unsweetened ice tea. It tastes so bland and cheap. I definitely do not take sugar in my regular hot tea, as it tastes most wonderful that way, but I could never drink unsweetened ice tea primarily from the suppliers using cheap tea. That is why we should all drink our tea a la half n’ half.

Alex: I only drink tea when it’s in an Arnold Palmer Half-and-Half. The other half is Half-and-Half.

Coined: The Usual Suspects Authored: Tomek Commentary: Tomek: If...

Fri, 01 Apr 2011 00:31:00 -0400

Coined: The Usual Suspects

Authored: Tomek

Commentary:

Tomek: If there is a most interesting man in the world, then there is a most secretive man in the world. Every time I look at Mr. Lu, I wonder what time and which place he meets up with his fellow henchman. He is an underground drug lord from Hungary and his most brilliant device ever created was Mr. Frazer. Obviously a robot created by him to keep all the attention away from him. I have my eye on him…

Danny: This card contains massive spoilers if you’ve never seen The Usual Suspects.

Alex: …Like me. When I got to Danny’s party late, I arrived at the exact same time that they unveiled who Keyser Soze was. I don’t know what happened in The Ususal Suspects, or who Keyser Soze was, or what he did. I just know that knowing who Keyser Soze is ruins the entire film. Yet another film (previously it was Memento) ruined by Danny’s party.

Coined: Dos Equis Ad Authored: Tomek Commentary: Alex: So...

Thu, 31 Mar 2011 00:30:00 -0400

Coined: Dos Equis Ad

Authored: Tomek

Commentary:

Alex: So there’s Hot +1 Woman, and +1 Hot Woman. On opposite sides of the card. How was this not discarded after the game?

Tomek: First rule of comedy: never have both the foreground and the background of the scene doing something comedic. For example: you can have a news reporter talking to the camera in all seriousness while in the background someone is eating a flaming squash while screaming in pain. It would not be funny if both of them would be doing something comical. Same can be said about this card. It just isn’t funny.

Danny: For some reason I always mix up the Dos Equis commercial guy and the Men’s Warehouse commercial guy. They’re both so awesome they tend to blend together in my memories.