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More than 3 years ago, I entered into a relationship with the last in my string of Mr. Unavailables. Okay, so it wasn’t a relationship in the true sense of the word. It couldn’t have been because, as so many of you know from experience, a relationship with a EUM is really not a relationship at all. Even so, this man would continue to bounce in and out of my life for more than 3 years. Even today, after the 3rd time I implemented the NCR, he’s trying to worm his way back in. The difference is that this time there’s no way I’m opening the door and letting him in.

Just as Natalie describes in the introduction to her book, this Mr. Unavailable happens to be someone I work with so implementing the No Contract Rule hasn’t been easy. He seems to wait for what he sees as an opening and then he swoops back in confident I’ll let him back into my life. The most recent attempt began only a couple of weeks ago. His MO is to approach me first in my classroom. I’m sure he realizes that there’s precious little I can do or say in that situation as I won’t make a scene at work. From there he approached a friend and I on New Year’s Eve. We simply left as I can’t even stomach sharing the same space with the man. Two days later, he text me. I ignored the text. He will NOT worm his pathetic way back into my life because this time I sincerely am over it. There’s not one ounce of desire in me to let this idiot back into my life.

I tell this story to illustrate both the tenacity of EUMs and the importance of sticking to your guns where the NCR is concerned. It’s important to remember, as NML says, we teach people how to treat us. Mr. Unavailables are simply very poor learners and, sometimes, it takes awhile for them to learn the lesson that they will no longer be allowed to bounce back in and out of our lives.

And really, when you think about it, they have every reason to be optimistic. After all, we’ve let them back in before. The difference is that, at some point, that line in sand has to become the Great Wall of China. At some point, you have got to stick to your guns.

Natalie Lue’s latest book, The No Contact Rule, is the back up you need to do just that.

The No Contact Rule Defined

So what is the No Contact Rule exactly? It is very simply a tool to eject an emotionally unavailable man from your life. It’s the way to take back control once and for all and to rid yourself of a man who will never be relationship material. From the book:

No Contact is a delicate balancing act between taking back control, booting someone out of your life (even if they don’t know it) and not going crazy. You apply No Contact (NC) when you are in a relationship that just won’t die a death even though it’s dead as a dodo, when they boomerang in and out of your life whenever it suits, and especially when you keep flogging a dead horse and chasing someone around even though they’re mistreating you.

The No Contact Rule is about closure and closing a door even when you don’t get to have a ‘conversation’ or a big break up moment, and this is what most women struggle with. You LOVE to have the conversation and you NEED to have the break up moment because you think it’s what you need for closure and you like wondering “What if?”

As you can see, the beauty of the No Contact Rule is that you don’t have to have his consent to implement it. In fact, he doesn’t even need to know that you are implementing it. You very simply just do it because, at its core, the NCR is not so much about him. It’s about you doing what you need to do to get on with your life and to get healthy. It’s about learning to set boundaries and keep them. It’s about realizing that you taking control of your life.

Now, you may be thinking that my story above means that I have let him back in simply because I spoke to him when he came into my classroom. Nothing could be further from the truth. The truth is that NCR has worked in this situation because I have distanced myself from him mentally. And that, ladies, is the very foundation of the No Contact Rule. It’s not just about communicating via phone or text or email. It’s about getting the emotional distance you need to effectively pry his fingers off of the grip he has on you.

Why NCR is Necessary

In effect the No Contract Rule is necessary because you have to set boundaries. Boundaries that become impenetrable. Boundaries that, in a moment of weakness of self-pity, withstand his attempt to cross them and your willingness to do so. Many women who become involved with emotionally unavailable men end up there because they have no boundaries to begin with. In order to effectively cut him out of your life and get healthy, boundaries have got to be established.

Natalie says, “It took me a long time to realise, but there are certain types of men (and women) out there that can’t commit – they can’t commit to being with you and they can’t commit to not being with you.”

This means that even if there’s been a break up, he’ll continue to call, or text, or email or even show up in your classroom. Just like when you were together, this is the old running hot and cold. By running hot and turning on the charm, he thinks he can pull you back in even if it’s just long enough to get sex. Then you’ll be right back at square 1 trying to figure out what the hell just happened. Because even though he called you or even had sex with you, doesn’t mean he’s seen the light and wants to commit to you. It just means he knew he could get you in the sack to get what HE wanted, what HE needed in that moment.

Nothing has changed. The NCR is vital to your self-esteem and your sanity. You have to be able to get the distance you need and, the truth is, he’s not going to give it to you otherwise.

Do You Need the No Contract Rule?

According to Natalie if you repeatedly say it’s over or make threats to leave him but don’t follow through, the NCR needs to be implemented.

Have you ever told someone that it’s over or made threats and then found yourself backsliding and going back on your word? If you have a cycle of breaking up and getting back together, or staying even though you’ve said that you’ve had enough, this has been contributing a lot to how much he may feel he can get away with.

The bottom line here is that you’ve taught him that you’ll cave and let him back in. This means you have to take drastic measures to show him you mean business.

In The No Contact Rule, Natalie list 10 of your indicators and 10 of his that will help you see that you do indeed need to take action to extricate him out of your life once and for all.

The Do’s & Don’ts of NCR

The nuts and bolts of the No Contract Rule that Natalie lists in the book are essential to making it stick. A few examples are:

• No calling, emailing, faxing, message in a bottle, texting, communication by osmosis, Morse code, or anything.
• No tracking him on dating sites/Facebook/alumni sites, etc.
• No contacting him via your friends.

Natalie also discusses booby traps of the NCR, the stages of NCR and processing your feelings, staying focused on maintaining NCR, and how to establish NCR when you have kids together or  work together. She also discusses why you can’t be friends with your assclown, how to rebuild a life with meaning that is focused on you, boundaries for all relationships, and what to do if you find yourself thinking it’s too hard and you should just settle.

The No Contact Rule is a must read if you are having trouble effectively cutting him out of your life or if he keeps bouncing in and out of it. Get the instant download today and take control of your life.

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There are 101 things that you can do tonight that can make your woman’s blood boil a little hotter. A lot of men think immediately that this involves new and difficult sex positions or even the use of sexual aids but really, just KNOWING which pleasure buttons to hit is all it takes. Read on!

Now…to know how to hit those buttons properly, check out my tips at: Female Orgasms Revealed

Foreplay Buttons

One: While making out, make sure your lips and tongue give attention to your lover’s neck. Ok, a lot of men know that already and you’ve probably applied that technique yourself… but what about that soft and tender patch of skin in front of her ears?!? While kissing or licking this soft area, whisper something sweet or something lewd! Now that will get your girl going.

Two: Break away from kissing her just a bit and then lick her lips. While licking her lips oh so gently, whisper that you can’t wait to lick her down there too!

Three: Just when she’s wet and panting, glide your hand down there and caress her through her undies. And then say something with the word ‘soaking’ in your sentence.

Four: Make your way to the bed and as she’s lying there, deliberately get off the bed and put some distance between the two of you. Now undress, making sure she sees exactly how turned on you are. You don’t need to engage in full-on self-play but touching yourself once or twice to show how long you are for her is a good idea.

Five: As she lays down naked in bed, run a silk tie or silk scarf all over her. Now ask her to turn around and this time, as the silk tie or scarf runs over her spine, follow it up with your hot tongue.

Six: Instead of a striptease, why not ask your lover for a ‘bed dance’ instead? This is when she dances completely naked all over you as you like completely naked on your back. Have her sashay all over your face, chest, and yes, down there.

Seven: While giving oral, place a pillow under her to elevate her mound. This will give you more access, and her, more pleasure.

Eight: While out on a weekend drive, pull over somewhere semi-secluded and then ask her to pleasure you or bend down and suck on her breasts.

Check out the newest techniques to give a woman an orgasm! I bet she has never experienced them. Go to: Female Orgasms Revealed

New Twists on Old Games…

One: Instead of the standard 69 position, why not place your manhood between her breasts instead while you guys in this position.

Two: Or why not do the ‘inverted 69’. This is when she sits on you but instead of using your mouth on your manhood. She sits up and uses her hands on you instead.

Three: This time, while she’s on top, ask her NOT to remove her clothes. Instead, lift up her t-shirt or lingerie every now and then so you can get a ‘peak’ at what you’re doing down there.

Four: Take her from behind but instead of being on your knees, do this lying down. The pleasure will be more intense!

Five: Don’t be shy to ‘rough each other up’ once in a while! So tonight, don’t go to your bedroom; don’t even lie down. Do it against a wall with your clothes still on and just about 10 minutes before somebody is due to visit you! The roughness, the wildness, and the thrill of being caught with your pants down – literally! – will make this the hottest sex ever!

Six: While she’s on the ‘woman on top’ position, ask her to SLOWLY turn around (face your feet instead). As she does this, stay as unmoving as you can in bed. This will enable you to feel every inch of her on your manhood as she twists and turns.

Seven: Morning sex is so underrated! Tomorrow morning, why not engage in slow sensual sex OR take her rough over the bathroom sink as she tries to brush her teeth!

There you have it. There’s lots of ways you can increase the hotness meter in your bedroom (or elsewhere) without having to engage in anything you may consider *taboo*. Just let your imagination run a little wild and just go with it! You never know what reaction you’ll get from your partner until you try.

Worried that you may not be up to the challenge? Learn how to master these techniques at: Female Orgasms Revealed

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It can be perfect and messy at the same time. It can be absolutely amazing and yet the most frustrating thing in the world. It can be black and white and every shade of blue, green, and red all rolled into one. Isn’t it funny how love can be so simple and still be the most complicated thing in the world?

In his poem In Memoriam: 27, Alfred Lord Tennyson wrote, “’Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.” Well, I can’t help but think that dear Alfred was full of immense crap. His quote is an idealistic albeit romantic load that we tell ourselves when love and relationships don’t turn out like we’d hoped or envisioned. Losing love is depressing, numbing, and the rudest of wake up calls.

Sometimes, losing love can be torturous. Even if we are the one who realizes things have changed, it still burns, it still hurts. We analyze every bit of everything we have ever said and done. We wonder what we did wrong, why something that should have worked out couldn’t stay above water. Our hearts and souls, our time and energy, are poured into a failure.

It has been said that love is akin to addiction. We crave touch. We crave comfort. We crave belonging. We crave people. So what happens when the relationship is over, when we’ve recognized and realized the dead end ahead? What happens when we no longer love the person who used to be our “other half?” We still crave touch. We still crave comfort. We still crave belonging. We still crave people.

Is it possible that even when love has fizzled, the addiction still lingers? We can know, without a doubt, that we are not “meant to be” with someone, yet still not be able to give them up. It is a comfort to have someone to call after a stressful day or after a moment you know would make them laugh. We watch a movie, see an old friend, go to a restaurant, sleep alone and are constantly reminded of their gravity.

It doesn’t matter whether someone is toxic or emotionally unavailable or incapable of fidelity, we are constantly pulled toward them. Even when we think we’ve finally made a breakthrough, that we’re done, it’s over, they call or text or e-mail and we’re back at square one. Just as alcoholics and users, we have an insatiable need to feed our addiction.

So how do we conquer our addiction? There isn’t exactly a 12-step program at the church down the street. We are left in the most vicious of cycles, which is seemingly unbreakable. Maybe the old saying is right, we truly can’t defy gravity.

Sara Bareilles hit the nail on the head with her song “Gravity.” I’ve posted the video below so that she can share her powerful words with all of you. Click here for lyrics.

Get Sara Bareilles’ CD at Amazon.com
Little Voice

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Nick Savoy is President and Program Leader of Love Systems (formerly Mystery Method). We are interviewing him today on the upcoming book The Ultimate Guide to Text and Phone Game that is coming out January 21st, 2010.

The name of the book speaks for itself, but can you give us an idea what we can expect?

Sure. We have noticed from years teaching Love Systems that most beginners and intermediate guys all run into the same problem: turning phone numbers into dates. They start to get good at building attraction and getting phone numbers, but these phone numbers don’t go anywhere.

All over the forums we see the same topic over and over again. Guys getting phone numbers but the women never respond to their calls and/or text messages. So we saw a challenge to fix this problem and Braddock took the initiative by writing The Ultimate Guide to Text and Phone Game with co-editor Mr M and help of more Love Systems instructors.

The book has over 160 pages of content on how to turn phone numbers into dates and preventing flaky phone numbers. We address a lot of commonly asked problems when it comes to phone and text game, including:

-What is the best way to ask for a phone number?

-Should you call or text first?

-What should I text a girl for the first time?

-When is the best time to call a girl?

-What are some of the do’s and don’ts of calling and texting?

And many more. You can read some text message interactions our team of instructors has had that led to dates. We also have a lot of unpublished stock text lines, role plays, and techniques to sexualize a text conversation.

What is the most common mistake most guys make with phone and text game?

There are a bunch of them but I will give you two. First, a phone number in itself is not worth much. It is merely a tool you can use to meet up with the girl you are interested in. When you want to seriously date a woman, your goal should be to start a sexual relationship as soon as possible. Whether you take her home the same night from the bar or from your first date, start that sexual relationship as soon as possible. Like Jeremy Soul says, a relationship does not start till you two have slept with each other.

So getting a phone number should not be one of your goals or something you want to settle for. There are exceptions of course like when she is the designated driver for her three friends or when you meet a woman in the day time. In the latter case you will most likely settle for a phone number and then go on a date. However, in both cases if you have the chance to push the interaction that could end in sleeping with each other, take it.

Another common mistake is not making plans when you get the phone number. A lot of guys will say something like “let’s hangout” or “let’s go out sometime” and then go for the phone number. At that moment, she might have wanted to hang out with you or gone out with you but then the next day she might not feel the same. Instead, before you get a woman’s phone number you should try to set plans with her to go out. So you could say something like “What days are you off? Thursday.perfect. Let’s go out Thursday night for some drinks.” As a result of setting up the date you then get the phone number.

Setting up a date is like a transaction and the receipt of the transaction is the phone number. Just doing this will reduce the amount of flaky phone numbers.

Can you ever turn a flaky phone number into a date?

Short answer: yes. In the book Braddock explains his Dynamite Theory how you can turn flaky phone numbers into dates.

The basic idea is that every girl will have to be treated differently based on how she initially responds to your phone calls and/or text messages. If the girl is very responsive you want to meet up as soon as possible.

On the other end of the spectrum, if the girl does not respond to your first call or text message you need to adjust your phone & text game. You need to slowly increase the intensity and frequency of communication (all explained in the book with stock field tested texts and voicemails).

If there is one piece of advice you could give a new guy for tonight, what would it be?

Don’t settle for the phone number. Push the interaction as far as you can. Once you really know there is absolutely no way you can take the girl back home, only then try to setup a date and get her phone number.

For more information on the new book The Ultimate Guide to Text and Phone Game, click here.

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HOLLYWOOD, Calif. (Jan. 12, 2010) — The most successful online dating site for African-Americans, with nearly one million unique visitors each month, knows a thing or two about bringing its members together in the quest for love — and now all Black singles can benefit from the latest tips, trends and topics that are unique to them.

BlackPeopleMeet.com, the nation’s leading online dating site devoted to African-American singles, has launched BlackPeopleMeet.com Magazine , the first free online magazine designed to serve the particular needs of singles within that community.

A property of People Media, the top provider of targeted online dating communities, the BlackPeopleMeet.com Magazine will be joined later this month by an online magazine from sister site SeniorPeopleMeet.com , which also ranks as the No. 1 online dating site for its category.

BlackPeopleMeet.com Magazine, which is free and requires no membership, is filled with insightful advice and perspectives to help single African-Americans navigate through the exciting and sometimes challenging world of dating, love and relationships.

The magazine is designed to deliver true online dating success stories, thought-provoking polls and feature articles — to inspire, instruct, amuse and educate readers no matter where they may be in their love lives.

“As the leading niche online dating site for the African-American community, BlackPeopleMeet.com has a deep commitment to this segment of the population, and that includes providing relevant information and support in their quest for love and fulfillment,” said Ron Worthy, Executive Director, BlackPeopleMeet.com.

“With the expertise we’ve developed through our unique position as the foremost dating site for the Black community, we recognized that no one else is creating informative and entertaining content that addresses their specific needs and interests,” Worthy added. “We aim to fill that void with BlackPeopleMeet.com Magazine.”

The magazine will be published online, with frequent updates to the content, including the following:

• Feature articles focused on dating, love and relationships, and intimacy.

• Expert advice from recognized dating authorities and leading bloggers, such as Twanna Hines, author of the blog “FunkyBrownChick.com.” Readers will be invited to submit questions, with answers provided in the magazine by guest experts.

• Interviews with high profile experts, authors and personalities, ranging from dating coaches to career advisors. In the first issue, featured interviews include ones with Yolanda Shoshana, who leads seduction workshops in New York, as well as Sandra Sea, a career coach who shares tips on making new year resolutions focused on one’s profession.

• Interactive polls, inviting readers to share their opinion on a wide ranging and always changing roster of questions of interest to African-American singles.

• Success stories of real couples who have meet through BlackPeopleMeet.com, offering inspiration and heartwarming anecdotes about their triumph in finding a meaningful relationship through the dating site.

Regular updates for BlackPeopleMeet.com Magazine can be found through social media including BlackPeopleMeet on Twitter, The BlackPeopleMeet fan page on Facebook, YouTube and Flickr, among others.

BlackPeopleMeet.com is the web’s leading destination for Black singles seeking meaningful relationships. Launched in 2002, the site has helped introduce tens of thousands of couples. Monthly, BlackPeopleMeet.com reaches four percent of the total Black population in the United States with nearly one million unique visitors and 300 million monthly impressions. With subscriptions available as low as $9.95 per month, BlackPeopleMeet.com is an inexpensive and effective way to meet a large group of desirable African-American singles — a place where members know that single people are there to meet other African-American people.

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It’s happened. The man in your life left you. Your head is spinning and you’re spending all of your time trying to figure out what the hell just happened. Christian Carterauthor of Catch Him & Keep Him, says there are 5 reasons men fall out of love and leave.

You may read this and think that Christian is putting all of the blame on women. It’s important to remember, however, that it takes two people. After my break up last summer many people, including some readers, got on me because I accepted some of the responsibility for the break up. The truth of the matter is that to learn from our experiences and grow, we have to hold ourselves accountable. We do not live in a vacuum. We have to understand that what we do, or don’t do, affects other people. So, while we aren’t responsible for other people’s actions or reactions, we may still have had some part in the demise of the relationship.

REASON #1 WHY MEN LEAVE RELATIONSHIPS: The Pleasure Principle

Christian says, and I agree, that men and women want to feel good in their lives and in their relationships. No one wants to spend their time in a relationship that feels like nothing but work. We want to spend our time with people who make us feel good and who make us smile. I remember Kira telling me at one point that it wasn’t supposed to be so hard especially in the beginning of a relationship. She was right. It isn’t.

It’s about enjoying each other’s company. It’s about having fun with each other. It’s not about sucking the fun out of the relationship.

REASON #2 WHY MEN LEAVE RELATIONSHIPS: Emotional Experience and the Future

According to Christian, “The way a woman acts in “little” situations become indicators to a man about how she’ll respond when things REALLY get tough in the future.” So, if you’re constantly negative and emotional even when he’s doing his best to reassure you, he’s going to wonder what the future will be like with you. He’s not going to think about a future that might be an emotional roller coaster. In fact, no one wants to live life like that.

REASON #3 WHY MEN LEAVE RELATIONSHIPS: Lost Feelings of Attraction

Men, and women for that matter, are addicted to those exciting feelings of connection and attraction. When those feelings dissipate, it’s hard to want to stay with someone.  On the other hand, when a man feels an intense connection and attraction, he becomes addicted to you. He thinks about you, he wants to be with you and he’s completely willing to work on those little things that crop up in relationships.

If he loses those feelings, though, the whole relationship begins to feel like a whole lot of work and you’re back at number one. Creating and sharing that attraction is one of the powerful reasons a man wants to be with a woman.

It’s important to point out that this is NOT about physical attraction. It goes beyond that. It’s about the “EMOTIONAL and INTELLECTUAL attraction that comes from a deeper, more subconscious place.”

REASON #4 WHY MEN LEAVE RELATIONSHIPS: Neediness

Ugh! Is there anything that’s less attractive than someone who’s needy and clingy? I don’t think so. If you’re looking to your man to make you happy and you have no life outside of him, he reads that as neediness. He can’t be everything to you. He shouldn’t be everything to you. He sure as hell doesn’t want to be everything to you…unless he’s a control freak and a manipulator.

What a man wants is a woman who is whole and complete and who is living and enjoying her life. He wants someone who has interests outside of him. Otherwise, you’re really bringing nothing to the relationship. You’re not interesting.

Wondering if you’ve ever come across this way? According to Christian one way to know is if you’ve ever said these things to yourself after a break up:

“I can’t believe how I lost touch with my friends while I was with that guy.”

“I can’t believe I let him control me like that.”

“Where did my life go?”

“What happened to the REAL ME? I wasted so much time in that relationship, when I could have been doing things for myself or my future.”

You need to be you. You need to live your life for you…not for some guy. Period.

REASON #5 WHY MEN LEAVE RELATIONSHIPS: “She’s Trying to Fix Me”

Ladies, if you want a fixer upper, you’ve got more problems than you know. I recommend reading Natalie Lue’s Mr. Unavailable & The Fallback Girl.  That being said, no one wants to be someone who wants to make them over. It’s like being told you’re not good enough the way you are.

The bottom line is that people change when they see a need for change not when someone else tells them they need to change. If a man sees a need to compromise and change for the woman in his life, he’ll do it on his own. He needs to see how it affects him and him alone.

Here’s what Christian says:

People are motivated by things THEY WANT, not by things others want. If you want a man to change, you have to try to show him how it will benefit him and him alone, not you or your relationship.

Just remember, if a man is deeply committed to you and your relationship and he isn’t feeling or experiencing too many of the above “reasons”for leaving, then any issues you have will feel like small bumps in the road to him.

He’ll feel confident, open and secure and that can only bring good things.

Thoughts?

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