21 May 2012

I'm out

2012-12-01T14:39:00.002+08:00

Today, on World AIDS Day, I have come out. Please visit my regular blog for updates moving forward.

http://www.zephyrinthesky.com

I love you all.

End of the Weekend

2012-07-08T23:25:00.000+08:00

In a few minutes it'll be Monday, and it will also be the end of my vacation leave. It was a crappy week in terms of blogging because I didn't write about anything substantial, but so much happened to me and I accomplished so much that I forgive myself for being a bad blogger. I have many days this week to make up for my backlog. I just hope I'm able to squeeze in some time to add entries considering how far my commute going to and from work is going to be each day. We'll see.

Don't Give Up

2012-07-07T23:28:00.003+08:00

My Dear friend. Yes, what we have is crappy. It sucks to have HIV. It's a fucking pain in the ass. There are so many difficult things we have to do on a daily basis and it sucks because our friends and family go through as much if not more pain than we do. But never at any point should we give up. What we have can be dealt with. You just have to stay strong because this is a long-term fight. Cry, lash out, scream, do whatever you need to do and then deal with it. If you need help, we can give it to you. Don't ever think you don't deserve to be loved, because everyone deserves to be loved. Just because you've given up on yourself doesn't mean that others will give up on you. We will fight for you even if you don't want to fight for yourself. Because that's what family is supposed to do, and you having the virus automatically makes you family. Love, Ben.

TGIF, July 6

2012-07-06T16:22:00.000+08:00

I'm meeting up with office friends in a few hours. This week has been a total failure as far as blogging is concerned, but I managed to get all my lab tests done at RITM, I finally started meds, and more importantly I managed to tell my family that I have HIV. Overall it's been a good week. I don't have a whole lot of plans for the weekend, so hopefully (hehe) I'll manage to get a few long entries posted. I'm meeting Red tonight. He's in one of his moods, but mostly because I was in one of mine yesterday hehe. If you're reading this Red, I miss you and I love you. Please don't be mad anymore. **HUGS**

Quick Update

2012-07-05T22:24:00.000+08:00

I know I said that I would write a longer entry today, but I had an emotionally tiring day today because I finally had the guts to tell my family that I have HIV. I'll write more about it in the next few days, but for now I'll just say that that I'm extremely lucky to have the family that I have. I love them immensely and they love me just as much. Their support is something I wish for everyone who has HIV. I am truly blessed.

Day 1 on ARVs

2012-07-04T22:22:00.002+08:00

At 9:30 pm today I took my first ARVs. They're the same ones that Red had to take. I'm hoping the side effects are minimal. So far I don't feel anything, and I'm hoping it stays that way. Red is done with his 14-day trial and has started taking Nevirapine twice a day. I'm hoping that he won't encounter any negative reactions. Some people only start showing reactions much later after starting ARVs, like one guy we met last Monday.

I forgot to post a new entry yesterday. I think it's only the 2nd time that it has happened, but I still feel bad. To make up for it, since I'm not going anywhere tomorrow, I'll add at least 2 new long entries and I'll post some scans of my documents -- with my personal info blacked out, obviously hehe.

My CD4 is 289

2012-07-02T22:28:00.001+08:00

I have to apologize because I've been a delinquent blogger for the past few days, and the earliest I'm going to be able to write a longer entry is this Wednesday. Tomorrow I seriously need to start working on a report I've been procrastinating on for work, and I have an interview at a place near Makati. That and I'm planning to tell my Mom tomorrow that I have HIV, so it's going to be a busy day and possibly emotionally draining.

In the meantime, I went to RITM today and found out that my CD4 count is 289. Not bad because at least it means I don't have AIDS yet, but I do need to start ARVs as soon as possible. The doctors at RITM want me to finish my baseline tests first before I start the 14-day trial for the meds, so I'm not going be able to go back to Davao that quickly. I don't want to go back until I'm sure that the side effects aren't that bad. I met someone today at RITM who only started getting side effects after a month, so it might take a while before I'm in the clear, but we'll see. My landlady just said that my contract at the room I'm renting will end by July 31, so that might be a sign that I need to move here sooner rather than later.

I also told another friend today that I have HIV. Let's call her Susan. Before I told her, I said OK 3 things. You have to promise not to scream, you can't tell anyone else what I'm about to say, and you have to promise not to cry. So I showed her my western blot results, first by pointing to the part of the form with my real name and then pointing to the part where it said "HIV Positive". She was shocked for a minute then she started crying. I said hey, you promised not to cry and she said sorry but I can only do the first two things. We laughed and we talked for a bit. Susan was very supportive and asked if I needed anything and I said nah, just love. You've had that for a very long time now, she said. I am truly blessed with the best friends. I wish all pozzie people had my friends.

That's all for now. I will write a longer entry as soon as work stuff and my lab tests are out of the way. Thanks for reading. Stay safe and stay strong.

RITM Tomorrow

2012-07-01T20:45:00.000+08:00

I'm finally going to RITM tomorrow. Wish me luck. I hope my CD4 count is high. I haven't told my family yet that I have HIV. I'm procrastinating, not because I'm scared of their reaction but more because I don't think it's such a big deal anymore. But I will tell them within the week, maybe tomorrow after I find out if I need to start meds or not. Red is going with me to RITM. He was going to go anyway because his 14 day trial for his meds is nearly over. I miss Red. We saw each other last night but it wasn't enough. I can't wait until we start living together again.

White Party 2012

2012-06-30T22:24:00.001+08:00

Manila, Manila... I keep coming home to Manila...

2012-06-29T17:39:00.001+08:00

I'm already at the Francisco Bangoy International Airport in Davao and in a few short hours I'll be arriving at NAIA in Manila. I'm super excited, and I can't wait to see my family, my friends, and Red. I'm meeting Daisy, Pearl, and Sophie tomorrow afternoon when they have lunch at home. Red and I are going to the White Party in Malate on Saturday evening, though we're not going to spend the whole night out. Sometime on Sunday, I'm going to tell my family that I have HIV. Let's see how that goes.

See you soon, friends!

"I Knew You Were Waiting (For Me)"

2012-06-28T21:09:00.000+08:00

In exactly 24 hours I'm going to be landing in Manila. I'll be back home, and I can't wait. Joy has been joking that my mind has been in Manila since Monday and it's only my body that's still here in Davao. I'm excited to see my family, I'm thrilled that I'll be in Manila for the White Party, and I'm beyond ecstatic that I'm going to see Red again. He's going to pick me up at the airport, just like my Mom. That'll be an interesting meeting, since they haven't seen each other since I brought Red back home to meet my family 7 years ago. Anyway, this song is for Red. I miss you, sweetie. Can't wait to hug you again.

"I Knew You Were Waiting (For Me)" Jessica Sanchez and Joshua Ledet Like a warrior that fights and wins the battle I know the taste of victory Though I went through some nights consumed by the shadows I was crippled emotionally Somehow I made it through the heartacheYes I did, I escapedI found my way out of the darkness I kept my faith (I know you did), kept my faith When the river was deep, I didn't falter When the mountain was high, I still believed When the valley was low, it didn't stop me, no no I knew you were waitingI knew you were waiting for me
With an endless desire I kept on searching Sure in time our eyes would meet Like the bridge is on fire, the hurt is overOne touch and you set me free I don't regret a single momentNo I don't, looking hack When I think of all those disappointments I just laugh (I know you do), I just laugh
When the river was deep, I didn't falter When the mountain was high, I still believed When the valley was low, it didn't stop me, no no I knew you were waitingI knew you were waiting for me
So we were drawn together through destiny I know this love we shared was meant to be I knew you were waitingKnew you were waiting I knew you were waitingKnew you were waiting for me

2 more days to go!

2012-06-27T22:39:00.001+08:00

Only 2 more days and I'll be back in Manila!

I really should have written a longer blog entry today. I got home early and things weren't too hectic at work, but I was feeling lazy and I kept thinking I'll have more time to write when my vacation starts. I'm sleepy now. I'll sleep early today and write more tomorrow if things are still not too hectic at work.

Take care, everyone. Stay strong.

Back to Black

2012-06-26T19:38:00.001+08:00

I've been busy at work so unfortunately I haven't had as much time to blog as I would like. Black texted Red today and it seems that he has adjusted a bit to having HIV, which is a good thing. They're planning to meet soon, which is fine. Red asked though if I was feeling jealous and I said no I'm not jealous because I know where I stand. Which means yes, I'm jealous haha. But it's ok. I'm a bit worried because Black's CD4 count is 90, which is lower than Red's, but he still hasn't been prescribed ARVs by his doctor at San Lazaro. OK fine, I get that he's still on meds for his TB, but don't ARVs trump any other medication especially if you've technically got AIDS? Hmm. Anyway. Red said we're still on for Saturday. I asked if Black is joining us. Red still hasn't replied.

In Manila, June 29 to July 16

2012-06-25T23:52:00.000+08:00

I finally got my Western Blot results this morning. I'll write more about that tomorrow though. In the meantime, I just want to write a quick update that I'll be in Manila this Friday evening and I'll be there until July 16. I'm super thrilled because it's the White Party in Malate this Saturday and Red and I have planned to go out somewhere along Roxas Boulevard before we head over to Orosa Nakpil. 7 years ago I was the first person to bring Red to Malate, and he didn't even consider himself gay or bisexual even then. Now at times he even calls himself bading. Times have clearly changed.

Wind, Waves, and White Sand

2012-06-24T16:59:00.000+08:00

I ended my class early on Friday, so I spent sunset by the beach at the Queen Tuna Park. Since I had been planning to move back permanently to Manila, I wasn't sure when I'd be able to come back to Gensan again, so I wanted to enjoy my last few moments there. Though I was thinking about going back to Davao early, as you can tell from my last entry, the calm I felt that day was worth me staying.

In that moment, on impulse, I decided that I wanted to go visit Gumasa, Glan in the Sarangani province. The last time I went to Gumasa was in March just after Red first got sick. Gumasa is one of the most beautiful, less-known beaches in the Philippines. Everyone says that it's just like Boracay used to be before the crowds started piling in, and it truly is pristine. It's one of the best beaches I've traveled to, and I like how not a lot of people know that it exists.

I haven't been able to do a whole lot of travelling since Red started getting sick. I love going to remote places, and I especially love going on my own because when I'm alone I'm silent, and when I'm silent it's easier for me to feel spiritual. My favorite solo trip that I've ever taken is when I went to Kathmandu, Nepal on my own last year. I can't even begin to describe the sense of peace I felt on that trip. Just to be surrounded by the comforting sounds of bells in Buddhist temples and to see Mt Everest outside the window of the tiny plane I was in was a once-in-a-lifetime experience. Everyone should be able to say they've done that at least once before they leave this world.

So anyway, yesterday morning I woke up at 5:00 am so I could take the first van ride to Glan from KCC Mall. The van left by 6:30 am, and we were in Glan an hour later. Going there was different this time because I had forgotten to bring my digicam, and the only camera I had was the one on my phone, so I couldn't take any high-resolution pics of the ride going to Glan. I usually take hundreds even thousands of pictures when I travel, starting from the journey going there. But rather than worry that I didn't have a camera, I decided to be happy that instead of looking for the perfect shot I could just focus on how beautiful the sights really are. In the end, photos, no matter how good they are, can't fully capture how awe-inspiring a place can be. You really have to be in a place sometimes for you to connect with its soul.

After a quick breakfast, I rode a tricycle and in 10 minutes I was at White Haven Beach. Again, words fail to express how at one with the universe you feel at a place like Gumasa, so let me express it through the few pictures I took.

It was a feast for the senses. I could feel the wind brush against my skin and hum in my ear, and in just five minutes it blew away everything I had been worrying about for the past five months. The waves melodically crashed on the shore, and the sound made me drowsy. I lay in the cool, white sand and took a nap for a bit. I was in heaven. My body surrendered, and in spite of the virus replicating inside of me, I felt healed. I felt loved.

I spent the morning playing with the sand and splashing in the water like a 5 year-old. At first I didn't want to swim because I didn't bring a towel, but I'm glad I did because I found a 1,000 peso bill floating in the water. I looked around to see if there was anyone who looked like they had lost money, but there wasn't. I kept the money and thanked God that this trip pretty much paid for itself. By noon the sky became darker and the clouds became thicker. For some reason I didn't want to see my paradise spoiled by the rain, so I left before it did. It was OK though. I didn't need to spend the whole day there. A few hours was all I needed to meditate and recharge. I was ready to get back to reality. A few hours later I was back in Davao.

I can't wait for my next trip. It'll probably be easier to travel once I've relocated to Manila because there are more travel promos and budget fares if you're coming from there. Hopefully Red can go with me, but if he can't I don't mind going solo again. Travelling alone is good for your soul, and you can never have too much of a good thing.

Life is Beautiful

2012-06-23T22:35:00.000+08:00

I sat in silence at sunset, listening to the waves from the Sarangani Bay as they crashed on the Gensan shore. The wind was blowing through my hair and humming in my ears, and I felt calm and content as I stared out into the horizon. I looked at the expanse of sea before me and I was overwhelmed as I realized that my life is but a heartbeat in comparison to the eternity of the universe. I was in awe.

Life truly is Beautiful.

1st Monthsary

2012-06-22T20:39:00.002+08:00

Yesterday it had been 1 month since I found out I had HIV, and today it has been 1 month since I started this blog. I started this blog because I wanted to document my new life as a person living with HIV, and I wanted to be as much help to people as the other bloggers were of help to me after I had just found out I was positive.

According to Google Analytics, in the 1 month since I started this blog, I've had 3,929 pageviews, 1,084 visits, and 584 unique visitors. Wow. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I think that moving forward I have to do a better job of adding more HIV-related information. I have a few other ideas as well, like adding more creative entries, or more introspective and reflective entries. I need to start adding more pictures too.

To celebrate my 1st monthsary, I'm going to Gumasa tomorrow. It's one of the best beaches in the Philippines and it's located in the Saranggani province around an hour away from Gensan. I was last there in April with Red and I've been wanting to go back for a while now. I decided on impulse earlier today that I was definitely going there this weekend. I'll be back in Manila by next week hopefully, and I'm really not sure when I'm going to be in Gensan again, so I'm grabbing this opportunity to go back to Gumasa while I can.

Happy weekend, folks. Stay safe, stay strong, and get tested if you haven't already.

Western Blot is in!

2012-06-21T21:24:00.000+08:00

I just got a text message from the health clinic that my Western Blot results are in. I'm excited, and it's a weird emotion to have in my situation, I know, but still. Getting my results means that I can finally start planning my trip back to Manila to get all my other tests done. Things are starting to fall into place at the office and I feel comfortable leaving stuff behind even if only for a few weeks at first. This also means that I'll get to see Red again, and thank God for that because I really miss him.

HIV/AIDS Medications

2012-06-20T23:33:00.001+08:00

Red started taking ARVs today. The ARVs that Red is taking are Zidovudine and Lamivudine. I wanted to just write about what those 2 meds do, but as I was researching I got more and more fascinated by the science behind HIV and its medications. Some of the stuff that HIV meds do is amazing. I'm like how the hell did they even discover this stuff? HIV meds are truly modern day miracles, and the people who came up with them are geniuses.

For the benefit of my non-pozzie friends, and for my pozzie friends who aren't sure about our meds work, let's start with the basics. Here are a few key terms that you need to first understand in order to see how HIV meds work:

HIV

HIV is short for the Human Immunodeficiency Virus. It is named so because the virus attacks cells within our body that form part of our immune system, or the system in our body that helps us fight disease.

CD4

CD4 T helper cells are a type of white blood cell (cells that fight disease) that HIV attacks. Increased HIV infection leads to lower CD4 counts. In the Philippines, HIV treatments start once your CD4 level drops to below 350. In most Western countries, HIV treatments can start at any time.

AIDS

When your CD4 count falls below 200, you are officially considered to have AIDS, or Acquired Immunodeficiency Syndrome. This means you are considered to be more prone to opportunistic infections, or diseases that take advantage of your weakened immune system. With the help of HIV meds, your CD4 count can go back up. However, even if your CD4 count goes back above 200 you will still be considered as having AIDS.

Viral load

This is a measure of how much of the virus you have in your system. It is expressed in parts per milliliter.

Medicines for HIV/AIDS are called Antiretrovirals or ARVs. They are called that because HIV is classified as a retrovirus. A retrovirus is a type of virus that replicates using the reverse transcriptase enzyme, or the enzyme that synthesizes DNA from RNA instead of the normal process of synthesizing RNA from DNA. I'm not entirely sure what that means, but this video explains in a simple enough manner how HIV replicates:

So in a nutshell, there are a whole lot of processes involved in the replication, of HIV. What ARVs try to do is prevent specific processes from happening, which is why a lot of the HIV meds are classified as inhibitors because they interfere with, block or suppress certain stages of the HIV replication process. We can't really call ARVs cures, because although they manage the presence of HIV in our bodies, they don't actually remove the virus -- they just prevent it from replicating.

ARVs are normally taken in combination with each other. This is called HAART, or Highly Active Antiretroviral Therapy -- the idea being that in order to effectively fight HIV you need to prevent as many of the virus replication stages from happening as you can. Also, HIV easily mutates, which is why it is especially important for people with HIV to make sure that they take their meds on time and exactly as prescribed by their doctors because if they don't, the HIV strain they have might become resistant to the ARVs they are taking. In order to check if the ARVs are working, you need to get CD4 counts and viral load tests done as recommended by your doctor.

Which brings me back to the ARVs that Red is taking. Zidovudine is better known as Azidothymidine or AZT. It was the first approved treatment for HIV and it works by inhibiting the replication of HIV via the reverse transcriptase enzyme. The most common side-effects include upset stomach and acid reflux or heartburn, headache, cosmetic reduction in abdominal body fat, light sleeping, and occasional loss of appetite. Lamivudine does pretty much the same thing, and aside from treating HIV it is also used to treat hepatitis B.

Red hasn't texted me yet so I'm hoping that means he isn't experiencing any side effects. I seriously hopes he takes his meds on time. I'm seriously worried that he'll fall asleep and not take them on time. I'm so gonna be pissed off if that happens.

Red at RITM

2012-06-19T21:25:00.001+08:00

Quick update: Red was at RITM earlier today and he had a good, productive day there. He was able to get all his tests done for free and he said he learned a lot from the counseling and training sessions. We finally found out that his CD4 level is 94, which sucks because it means that only does he have HIV but he technically has AIDS, but at least he is feeling good and isn't sick. He was advised to start his ARVs already and to rest for a bit, so we're planning for him to stay at home and not work until his CD4 level goes up. He wants to do online stuff which is great cuz at least he won't be totally inactive. Now I'm just really hoping that he doesn't experience really bad side effects. Honestly, Red has a very low threshold for pain and I'm worried that he'll either forget or refuse to take his meds on time, which he can't afford to do. Now I really can't wait to get my confirmatory test results so I can do all the tests too.

Back to Normal

2012-06-18T21:58:00.001+08:00

Things are slowly getting back to normal at work. Most of the appraisals I had to do are done. My appraisal is done too, and even though it wasn't great, I got what I deserved. I'm actually looking forward to doing better at work now, which is weird since I'm planning to move back to Manila soon. I would honestly prefer to stay in my current company, but staying in my current city is kinda out of the question especially given how slow test results and treatments are.

It's been 4 weeks since I tested reactive for HIV antibodies and I still haven't received the results of my confirmatory test. I checked with Dr Jordana earlier today but she said the results weren't in yet. I haven't figured out when I'm going to go to Manila, but I've kinda decided to wait until I get the results of the Western Blot test first. I don't want to have to go through the whole testing thing in Manila again just to have to wait another 2 or 3 weeks.

When I get to Manila, I want to get the CD4 and the other baseline tests out of the way. Red is going to RITM tomorrow, so hopefully we'll have more details about the tests we need to take and how much everything is going to cost. I've read on a few websites that the initial CD4 test in RITM might be free and that the baseline tests are discounted at PGH, but we'll see what Red is able to find out tomorrow before we decide on what we're going to do and where we're going to get what done.

In the meantime, life goes on. 4 weeks into dealing with HIV and everything is going relatively smoothly. I'm just hoping that when I finally get my CD4 done that the results are good and I hope the rest of the baseline tests come out good as well. I hope it's that way for Red too.

Luha

2012-06-17T22:27:00.000+08:00

In the Philippines, when someone cries very easily, we say that they are "mababa ang luha". Literally translated it means their "tears are low", or that it doesn't take a lot for them to cry. I was never really like that before. I would hardly ever, for example, cry even during the saddest movies. Even if I was going through something really depressing, I would have to feel extremely low before I would tear up. But since I found out that I had HIV, I can say that the term "mababa ang luha" definitely describes me.

I think that I've been pretty strong compared to how some other people are after they find out that they're HIV+. A lot of people have told me wow, it's been less than a month and you're already at the acceptance stage and trying to spread the word about prevention and testing. I guess I'm lucky that my coping skills are above average. But even now I still find that my voice breaks and I end up crying whenever I tell someone for the first time that I have HIV. I sometimes cry as well whenever I read about all the things I'll need to do to deal with HIV, like taking meds and dealing with all the side effects, or what might happen if the meds don't work or if I don't take care of myself like I should. I can say that most of the time I feel strong, but sometimes I cry when I'm reminded of how fragile I really am and how much time I may or may not have.

This morning, my "mababa ang luha" attribute was in full force. Red moved back to Manila earlier today, just like I had talked about in my last entry. We spent last night, Red's last night in Davao, watching a movie by the extremely funny Eugene Domingo, "Kimmy Dora and the Temple of Kiyeme", and by having dinner at Yellow Fin restaurant. I had wanted to have dinner at Jack's Ridge, the hilltop restaurant overlooking Davao city, but it was late and Red didn't want to splurge. When we got home we cuddled for a bit (yes, only cuddled) and slept.

I was all groggy and sentimental when I woke up, which generally isn't really a good combination for me. Red, on the other hand, was all bubbly and happy about moving back to Manila. He had been excited for some time, and couldn't wait to get back home. Yes, we've been planning to still live with each other when I get back to Manila too, but that may or may not happen because it all depends on where I'm going to find work, or where my company is going to relocate me if my bosses are able to figure something out for me. Aside from that, Red has a completely different life when he's in Manila, and he has way more friends and would have very little time for me. So regardless of whether or not we would live together, things would change between me and Red, and that's what was making me sad.

As Red was checking his stuff to make sure everything was packed, I was soaking up the last few moments we would have together in Davao. This was truly our place, the one place I had with him that I didn't share with any other of his exes. Red agreed to move here with me because he wanted to make up for the crap we went through in the past, and though our time here together wasn't always smooth sailing, we both did the best we could. I was also thinking about how this would be the 3rd time that Red and I said goodbye to each other. The last two times weren't exactly happy occasions. This time, we would be separating as friends, and we'd only be separating temporarily because I'd be following him to Manila as soon as I possibly could.

Before we left the house, Red and I gave each a big, long, and tight hug. I was breathing his scent in, and I seriously didn't want to let go. In the cab on the way to the airport, I reached for his hand and held it close to my heart with both of mine. Red doesn't usually let me do stuff like that in public, but today he did. While I held his hand, I was staring out of the window because if I looked at him I would just cry. Not that it helped, because I cried anyway. It was just a few tears at first. Red said hey don't look at the sun, it's making your eyes tear up. I just nodded. I couldn't speak anymore because the idea that this was the end of our time in Davao together was overwhelming me. The tears just kept dropping, and soon I was weeping silently. Red was surprised and said hey, why are you crying, stop please. I still couldn't speak so I just shook my head and continued staring out of the window, wiping my tears away every now and then. We just sat there in the back of the cab in silence. When we got to the airport, I was smiling already -- still crying, but with less tears. We hugged again before he went in to the departure area. As we went through the entrance I was chuckling at how excited he was, so the last thing he saw was me laughing even though my eyes were red and moist.

As I walked to the taxi stand, I started crying again. I had to sit for a while in one of the waiting sheds because I didn't want to have to walk past all the people waiting while I wept. When I got back home, Red called and we talked for a bit. Even when while we were laughing I still had tears in my eyes. It was still early in the morning so I went back to sleep for a bit. It was the first time I had cried myself to sleep in years. I was crying even while I was laughing on the phone with Pearl and Daisy, and I'm crying as I write this entry now. The last time I had cried this much was the day after I found out I had HIV.

I really, really miss Red. I know he needed to get back to Manila as soon as possible because he has been getting sick and need to get all his tests done, but I wish we didn't have to be apart. I hope I can get to Manila soon. When I get there, I'm going to give Red a big, tight hug, and this time I'm not going to let go.

I love you, Red.

Red's Last Night in Davao

2012-06-16T21:02:00.001+08:00

Tonight is Red's last night in Davao. He'll be back in Manila for good tomorrow. Even though I'll be moving back to Manila sometime soon too, I'll still miss him while we're apart. Here we spend most of our time together. In Manila we will busy with other stuff. Things won't be the same anymore.

Red, thank you for the 7 months we spent together. I know we're planning to live together still if possible, but in case that doesn't happen it's OK. We will still be together for our treatments, and if you ever get sick, I will still be the one to take care of you.

I love you.

Mission Accomplished

2012-06-15T21:00:00.000+08:00

I did it. I completed all 17 remaining appraisals in less than 24 hours. Damn. I tried to be as fair as I could, and so far the ones I've completed haven't complained about the ratings I gave them. I've already told my team that I'm planning to move back to Manila. Some of them were ok, some have asked me to stay. One of my teammates cried and said she never felt as connected to a manager as she did with me. We hugged and without telling her exactly what I had, I said that if our city only had the same level and speed of treatment as Manila, maybe I wouldn't have gone home. All in all, today was a very productive day; my first honest to goodness productive day since I found out I was HIV+. I'm getting my groove back I think. If I do leave my current company, I think I'll be leaving them on a positive note. If I don't leave my current company, at the very least I won't be leaving my current city with that much baggage. Thank God for that.

Sleepy...

2012-06-14T12:38:00.000+08:00

Tomorrow is deadline for performance appraisals at work. I'm behind schedule so I had to come back to the office late last night and I was back again really early this morning. I'm super sleepy and I'm irritated because the appraisals are not coming out the way I would like them too. I know that I really shouldn't tire myself out in my condition, but I don't really have a choice at the moment. I'm really, really waiting for the weekend so I can sleep for hours and hours and hours...