22 Month Ministry

Grieving Continues

2019-02-13T18:59:00.002-08:00

It is probably because Valentine's Day is tomorrow and my Valentine is no longer here, but February has been a weepy and down month. Valentine's is a day of love and sweethearts. Mine is gone but his love lives on within me. He will always be with me in sweet memories! This Valentine's memory came up on my Facebook feed today from 3 years ago. Jerry and I went out to dinner on February 13 of that year which turned out to be 11 days before his stroke. What a lot changed in such a short time. Life is certainly not a guarantee. Live every day to its full extent being sure you tell those you love that you do!

My third editor is sending back her edits on the rest of the chapters. She suggested I need one more chapter because felt it left her hanging. I will be working on an Epilogue rather than adding chapter 19. This project seems to be never ending!

Last week, I had a great trip to Boerne, Texas to see my sister, Linda, and two cousins, Joetta and Brenda. We had a wonderful visit reminiscing. Our mothers were three sisters so we are truly connected in many ways. Brenda brought old scrapbooks and pictures for us to look through. It was a memory-making visit.

I have been reading about Moses again in my yearly readings. Two scriptures stood out to me this time.

Exodus 33:17 - " And the Lord said to Moses, “I will do the very thing you have asked,because I am pleased with you and I know you by name.”

It is so cool God knows us by name! Someone once said that if God had a refrigerator, your picture would be on it! How amazing is that for him to know us so personally. He had our lives written in a notebook before we were born! Wonder how big His library of notebooks is?

Exodus 34:10 - "Then the Lord said: “I am making a covenant with you. Before all your people I will do wonders never before done in any nation in all the world.The people you live among will see how awesome is the work that I, the Lord, will do for you."

My time during the stroke is a testimony to the second scripture. God certainly did wonders for me and Jerry during our 22 months. He was truly amazing and I want to share that with so many others!

Today I am thankful for:

Naps in the afternoon.
That I am NOT still living in Wisconsin and teaching in Minnesota with all the snow there right now.
Getting my walking in this morning at the gym with Kelly Ann.
Helping to take care of the children this morning at Bible Study Fellowship.
Working on my taxes to have them done and off my list before I go to Israel next month. (Now to pay them when I get back!)
Going to see the twins tomorrow night after a 2 week break. I miss them.
Such wonderful memories of my Valentine.
The love we shared for over 50 years sustaining me through this time of year.
God knowing me by name.
The amazing things God has done and continues to do in my life.

Wisdom from C.S. Lewis

2019-01-31T19:12:00.000-08:00

My Sunday night life group is studying C. S. Lewis, his books and thoughts. Here is a quote from his book, The Problem of Pain:

"God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pain: it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world."

It seems I keep reading about pain in my devotionals and everywhere. Pain is so much a part of this life. God created a perfect world and placed two imperfect people in that world. Sin entered the world and with it pain. For that reason, we will have pain and suffering through out lives; however, God gets our attention through our pain to help us grow and mature.

I have been listening to Chonda Pierce, Christian comedian as I have been walking in the mornings at the gym. Even though she is an extremely funny comedian, she also have suffered from clinical depression as well as some major deaths in her life including her husband after 31 years of marriage. She says, "Rehearse in the dark what you learned in the light." This says to me that when things are going well, we need to soak up the goodness of God so we can remember that goodness when things aren't going well. God is good no matter what is going on in our lives!

Yes, I have been walking and climbing stairs in the morning at the Baptist church gym like a dedicated athlete. March 11, I leave for 2 weeks in Israel and Egypt. The end of the trip will be the opportunity to climb Mt. Sinai which has ONLY 3,750 steps to the top! I may not be able to do due to my atrophied heart muscle--nothing that is dangerous to exert myself but makes me very winded when I do. But I will give it my best shot. The picture is the gym where I walk and climb.

Psalm 34:15 - "The eyes of the Lord are on the righteous, and his ear are attentive to their cry." This confirms God is still good when we are in pain. His ear is particularly attentive to our suffering and when we need to cry out to him for help. God is faithful--I know that from my experience and you can too!

Today I am thankful for:

Not still living in Wisconsin with all the cold temps there!
A beautiful day of serving people.
A new huge island in my kitchen which is great for food preparation.
Spending time with the twins tonight and getting lots of hugs and kisses! They are almost 14 months now.
Going to see my sister next week in Boerne, Texas.
Warm temps this weekend to enjoy.
My special friend, Henry, coming over last night to help me cook lots of food for shut ins at church.
Warm houses on the very cold days.
Walking in the gym and climbing stairs to prepare my body for my trip.
Knowing God is hearing my cry when I need him the most.

Book moves forward

2019-01-13T19:44:00.003-08:00

My book is off to the third editor, my college roommate who was an English major. The three editors have been very different in their approach which should give me a well-rounded text when finished. I am excited to have it in this stage waiting for the publishing stage. My son-in-law, Tim, has great ideas for finding a publisher through connections he has. He also has great ideas about getting me out to do some speaking this year. I am praying things will happen to allow God's story to be told.

At this point, it is close to 300 pages telling God's story. This is all getting me ready for the next phase of my new life and my new ministry. God has been amazing to give me such a great purpose in life.

The new year has brought a beautiful newness to life. Of course, a new year always brings an overall newness to things, viewpoints, and future. This week, I am going to see my dear friends, Linda, in Hereford, Texas. We are going to catch up, and I am also picking up a suitcase to use for my trip to Israel and Egypt in March. The excitement is building!

Things are easier in year two so far. Tears still flow easily but not as often. I am more comfortable with being alone now. The pain does get easier with time! There are and always will be so many things about Jerry I will miss forever--especially his hugs, kisses, and song. Wow--how quiet my house is now. I have tried to play music but there just is no substitute for that voice!

Psalm 91:1-2 - "It is good to praise the Lord and make music to your name, O Most High, proclaiming your love in the morning and your faithfulness at night." God continues to show me He will never leave me. Because of that, I must never stop singing His praises from morning until night. I am so thankful I don't have to sing as beautiful as Jerry did--just sing. Hearing my praises to God is as beautiful to Him as Jerry's singing was to me. Maybe the Spirit also takes my singing and makes it lovely to God as He does with the words of my feeble attempts at prayer! That would be awesome!

Today I am thankful for:

Warm clothes on such a cold day.
A beautiful worship service this morning.
The beauty of the song, Amazing Grace, My Chains are Gone. At the same time, the beauty of the memory of that song at Jerry's service and the tears that ALWAYS follow it.
Spending time with Kinsey, my granddaughter, at a coffee shop during second service this morning while we waited for Tim and Lynn.
The excitement of my trip to Israel and Egypt mounting.
The lovely visit coming up to see my good friend, Linda.
My wonderful editors to help make my book the best it can be.
My son-in-law, Tim to help "sell" me with my story from God.
Warm houses on cold days.
Praising God in the morning and evening because of His faithfulness!

Happy 2019--God Makes All Things New!

2019-01-01T18:01:00.002-08:00

Sunday I reached the one-year anniversary of Jerry's death. It was a difficult day especially with church that morning as there are always reminders of Jerry in church on a normal Sunday. I had made the decision early in the year I would wear my wedding ring for the full year and then wear it occasionally with Jerry's on a chain. Here is the necklace I found which has a family tree and a charm saying, "love never fails," from I Corinthians 13.

Lynn sent me this thought-provoking quote from Facebook:

Hello, welcome to Flight #2019. We are prepared to take off into the New Year. Please make sure your Attitude and Blessings are secured and locked in an upright position. All self-destructive devices should be turned off at this time. All negativity, hurt and discouragement should be put away. Should we lose Altitude under pressure, during the flight, reach up and pull down a Prayer. Prayers will automatically be activated by Faith. Once your Faith is activated you can assist other passengers. There will be NO BAGGAGE allowed on this flight. The Captain (GOD) has cleared us for takeoff. Destination GREATNESS. Book your flight!!!️️ I have already purchased my ticket and I'm buckled in and ready for takeoff!

Isaiah 43:19 - "See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland." As I start 2019, I am thankful the first year was finished with some great memories, good sharing of my testimony, and adjusting to the new me. This year was blessed already with Paul and Mara from Wisconsin coming to share the first anniversary with me. God has also put a widower in my life from my life group at church. We are able to share similar emotions in moving on from the death of our spouses. We have been spending time with each other for 2 weeks now giving us some special times of going places together, sharing our lives, and getting to know each other. Here is a picture of Paul, Mara, and Henry as we rode the new streetcars in downtown Oklahoma City on New Year's Eve day. That night, we enjoyed a party with some other of the life group. God is making a new thing! My future is in God's hands--as is yours!

Today I am thankful for:

Paul and Mara's safe flight back to Wisconsin.
The great support of family and friends through the holidays and first anniversary.
Being with the twins tonight after dinner.
Taking the twin's great grandmother out to dinner for her Christmas present with no twins around!
Continuing to have sweet memories of Jerry.
Having someone to spend time with and go out with.
A lovely weekend with Paul and Mara here and their support.
Having many at church remember the anniversary and hold me up.
Great fun at the New Year's Eve party.
God making new things in 2019.

A Song to Minister to You

2018-12-22T05:49:00.001-08:00

My dear friend, Linda, sent me a song with tremendously meaningful words. Listen to the song and you will be blessed.

This is so much of what I went through during my 22 months. Now that I am a widow, it continues to help me. Tears flow so freely right now, and I would not stop any of them. The blessings of growing closer to God are priceless. Learning to accept trials as God's mercies is a change of thinking but an important one.

We had a Christmas dinner last night with our extended family before we leave today for Kansas City. Not being in this house on Christmas day is a big part of making it through Christmas #1. We are all looking forward to fun times in the Air B&B there and finding fun things to do. I pray your Christmas will also be good.

Job 2:10a - He replied, “You are talking like a foolish woman. Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?” Job had far greater problems than I ever thought of having and yet, this was his thinking. God gives good and trouble. However, in listening to the song above, the trouble is to help us make the good even better. We grow so much by being forced to draw close to God. Take a different perspective on the storms in your lives!

Today I am thankful for:

The season of Christmas even with the tearful memories this year.
Beautiful songs to help us look at our storms differently.
Family and friends.
Wonderful meal last night.
Taking off today for Kansas City and visiting Tim's brother on the way.
Having Kinsey in town for the holidays.
David's reaction to receiving some of his Papa's tools last night for Christmas.
God's unfailing love.
God knowing each tear of mine and caring so much.
God helping us grow closer to him through the painful times.

Merry Christmas to each of you!

Christmas is on its way

2018-12-12T18:16:00.001-08:00

Yes, Christmas is coming. The Merry is optional! I have had several bouts of crying balanced with times out at concerts and with people. This time is especially full of memories with Jerry's death on top of Christmas. However, this will be the last of the first. I will be at one year without my sweetheart.

Click here for my Christmas digital Christmas card in case you haven't found it through Facebook or another source:

Writing by book has helped both in the grieving journey and in adding more tears to my days. I just finished editing the chapter telling about Jerry's death. I cried when I wrote it, when I did my editing on it, and now as my first editor sent it back to review her edits. My second editor will be doing the same as well as the third. I have been blessed by three editors who are coming to the book from different perspectives helping the book to be so much better. I haven't started the search for a publisher yet as need to get it in excellent shape first. The new year will be spent working on that.

The twins first birthday party was last Sunday here at the house. I will include a picture in the email to you as due to legal reasons with the foster program, we can't post pictures on any kind of social media. They have helped so much with my grieving with their precious smiles and cuddles.

As much as I don't enjoy all the crying, I am still so blessed to have had a marriage worth the tears! Jerry's voice is still something I can listen to through YouTube any time--what a blessing technology is! There will be tears the rest of my life for sure. It is such a joy to remember God knows every tear that rolls down my cheeks and stores them in a bottle. What a caring God we have.

Here is a picture from the OC Remembers Monday night. This is the college where we met, and they did a remembering of those who had died during the last year.

Psalm 94:19 - "In the multitude of my anxieties within me, your comforts delight my soul." What an awesome scripture on God taking care of our anxieties! God's comfort has been with me every day this year as I have gone through all the firsts. The first of everything will soon be over--not the memories associated with those events but the difficulty of the first. Notice the word, "delight" is used to describe the comfort of God. He has truly been that for me this year in so many ways. Yes, I have cried my eyes out, but then I will spend time with the precious twins and the delight comes back. I will be really down and then pick up David from school and delight in spending time with him. I will miss Jerry for some reason and then there will be a concert to go to for my delight to return. God is so awesome!

Today I am thankful for:

The Christmas season even with the painful memories.
Remembering Jerry in his Santa hat.
Remembering Jerry's smile and his amazing hugs.
The joy of giving.
David's concert last Saturday.
David now being a teenager as of last Sunday.
Having lunch with the twins today and getting my hugs.
Chocolate every morning--dark, of course.
My editors for my book.
God's comfort and the delight it brings to me.

Christmas spirit -- Hmm

2018-12-06T14:25:00.000-08:00

Christmas is close and the closer it gets, the more the tears are flowing. So many memories surround this time of year. Jerry spent the month of December last year slipping away. I put him in Hospice on December 20 and he passed away December 30. Yes there are many wonderful memories of my sweet guy. At the same time, there is a huge hole in my heart where his smiles, hugs, kisses, and Santa impersonations is supposed to be.

This morning, I decided to at least have his Santa hat on him and took the picture below.

It is such a comfort to have Jerry in my bedroom where I can talk to him daily. I tell him good morning. Sometimes I fuss at him for leaving me here. Then there are times I tell him to enjoy sitting at the feet of Jesus as the world here sings about the birth. Here is a beautiful video about the birth of Jesus. You will be blessed to listen to it.

There are distractions for my days. This morning, I worked in the greenhouse for Master Gardeners. What a blessing to be able to dig in the dirt in the winter time! On the way down, I played gospel music and sang loudly. Tonight is my ladies class Christmas party which will include lots of laughter and fun. But there are lots of times when I am here at the house missing his presence. Tears of healing flow regularly but also joyful memories of such a wonderful man and marriage.

Luke 2:4-7: "4 So Joseph also went up from the town of Nazareth in Galilee to Judea, to Bethlehem the town of David, because he belonged to the house and line of David. 5 He went there to register with Mary, who was pledged to be married to him and was expecting a child. 6 While they were there, the time came for the baby to be born, 7 and she gave birth to her firstborn, a son. She wrapped him in cloths and placed him in a manger, because there was no guest room available for them." There is great joy in the birth of our savior. No matter how my grieving makes me cry, there is so much joy in being a Christian.

Today I am grateful for:

Winter weather.
Getting to garden in the green house this morning.
Going to a Christmas party tonight.
Wonderful gospel music.
My warm house on a cold day.
Yummy food tonight.
The birth of our Lord.
The season of joy even if it is full of painful memories.
The memory of my sweetie playing Santa for all the kids.
Jesus leaving heaven to come sacrifice for me.

Holiday of Grief

2018-12-02T19:44:00.001-08:00

This came to me sitting in a coffee shop this morning with Kinsey:

Holiday of Grief

Cheer is everywhere as we enter December.

Stores play joyful Christmas music.

Neighborhood lights brighten the winter nights.

Santas await children in all the malls

To hear the wishes of their little hearts.

Gift suggestions bombard the shopper

Through Internet, newspaper, phones, and social media

To bring happiness to all their recipients.

Parties and concerts clutter our calendars

Filling our days with holiday activities.

But it is my first—another first.

I’ve had my first birthdays and Valentines,

My first Mother’s and Father’s Days,

The first vacation in an empty car.

My first Thanksgiving but now it comes.

Christmas alone—no need to hang his stocking.

Christmas caroling without my amazing bass.

No Santa hat waiting for my husband’s head.

No children in stores sidling up to my Santa

To be noticed by my loving husband.

The tears flow with so many reminders.

The tears won’t stop with the memories.

The tears are this year’s Christmas decor,

The tears of missing my sweet Santa.

The tears of my first Christmas holiday a widow.

The joy of the season is still found

In the same memories that make me cry,

But most of all in the birth of our Lord.

That joy surpasses all the grieving

And promises a reunion some day.

Christmas is all about family yes.

But when part of that family leaves

Whether by death, divorce, or other choices,

It leaves an empty hole in the Christmas heart.

A hole never to be filled again.

Yes, joy to the world the Lord has come!

Find the joy where the joy belongs.

Reach out to those hurting this season.

Cry with them, pray for them, hug them.

The joy is not in the present but in the eternal.

Remember the hurting and those alone,

Take your joy and soothe their hurting.

Send a card, take a gift, sing a carol, say a prayer.

Christmas may not be the most wonderful time of year,

To those it isn’t, share your Christmas spirit.

Luke 2:8-14 - "8 And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. 9 An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. 10 But the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid. I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all the people. 11 Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is the Messiah, the Lord. 12 This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger.” 13 Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying, 14 “Glory to God in the highest heaven, and on earth peace to those on whom his favor rests.”

We all have a great deal to celebrate this holiday season. Yes, it is my first alone and tears flow freely and often. However, as I celebrate this season of remembering Jesus' birth, my sweet husband is singing at the feet of Jesus in heaven. I can be joyful for him and for my future with him. I praise God for the salvation it offers to everyone everywhere in all situations.

I didn't decorate a lot this year, but the manger scene was a must!

Today I am thankful for:

Teaching ladies class this morning on 2 thankful women in the Bible.
Getting the ladies started on keeping a thankful journal.
An inspiring sermon about Eastern European Missions and the power of getting a Bible in the hands of people.
The power of the Gospel.
Lunch with good friends.
Having Kinsey to spend the morning and afternoon with today.
The holiday season to turn people to Jesus.
The sweet memories of Jerry.
The joys of Christmas and being able to share that with others.
The birth of our Lord Jesus to bring salvation to a needy world.

23rd Psalm for Caregivers

2018-11-30T06:53:00.000-08:00

A friend in my Bible Study Fellowship group suggested I rewrite the 23rd Psalm for caregivers. Here is my attempt at that task:

The 23^rd Psalm for Caregivers

The Lord is my caregiver, I shall want for nothing.

He makes me lie down and take an afternoon nap,

He leads me besides a running stream.

He refreshes my inner strength.

He guides my decisions as I go through this life.

Even though there will be difficult, impossible situations,

I have no fear of the future because God is beside me.

The world cannot attack me because God’s Spirit is within me.

There are times when I must face those who make me uncomfortable,

However, your presence is always there to hold me up.

I am assured God’s goodness and love are constant companions.

They will be with me throughout this life and into the next,

Where I will live and praise God forever.

I will next rewrite it for grieving. It was a great idea and good practice in rethinking how God takes care of me from a caregiver role.

The twins I help take care of each week have been a great help in my grieving. They will turn 1 year old December 7 and are absolutely adorable! When I get to down in my tears, I drop by to love on them for awhile. When I leave, I feel so uplifted and encouraged. New life is always here to help sooth our grief over those who are no longer here. I will host their birthday party December 9. What fun!

Christmas cheer is just not here yet. I have put up minimal Christmas decorations. The stocking are a definite "no." Talk about a reminder who is no here this year! Maybe by next year, I can rehang the stockings less Jerry. For Christmas, I am going with Tim, Lynn, David, and Kinsey to Kansas City. We are renting an Air B&B in the area. Tim has a good friend there who we will spend Christmas Eve with. The rest of the time, we will do things in the area. We arrive on December 22 and drive back here December 26. My good friends, Paul and Mara from Wisconsin, will arrive December 27 and stay through the anniversary weekend of Jerry's death. They should be a big help to get me through this most difficult time. Here is my tree this year.

Keeping heaven in mind helps keep your life here on earth in line with God's perspective.

Isaiah 9:1a (NLT) - "Nevertheless, that time of darkness and despair will not go on forever." God always promises we will not stay in our state of deep grieving forever. It will pass and better times will come. The grieving is necessary and has actually been going on since the day of the stroke. I can still have great joy in Jerry's new body and new home, but there are just days when crying all day is good for my soul. I am so fortunate to have had a love worthy of crying all day!

Today I am thankful for:

Having the twins in my life to bring joy back to my days.
The season of Christmas when so many look to Jesus.
Having family to go away with to give this year something different.
Being down to my final editing of my book.
The blessings of being able to call God my father--how awesome is that?
The constant care God continues to give me day by day.
Prayer to be in contact with God throughout the day.
Wonderful sleep at night.
The memories--oh the memories!
The darkness of grieving will not last forever.

Tears and Joy for Thanksgiving

2018-11-22T19:10:00.002-08:00

My first Thanksgiving without my husband. Wow--so many memories flood my thinking as I prepared this meal for family and friends. In keeping with the day, I want to share the many things I have to be thankful for today.

Being married to a Christian man for over 50 years who loved his God, me and our family dearly.
Progressing through the year with lots of tears but also lots of successes.
Sharing my testimony 8 times this year at a variety of churches.
Finishing the first draft of my book--now comes the editing!
Having family local to come to our meal today.
Having 4 wonderful international students from OU to join us and share their culture.
Also having the precious 11-month old twins, Alaric and Tyler, their mother and great grandmother join us.
One of our Iranian students becoming a Christian! Yeah!
The smells of the turkey and dressing cooking.
Getting some wonderful garden therapy this morning.
The wonderful smells of the frozen herbs in my garden.
The magic of a compost bin to take the dead plants and turn them into rich soil.
Remembering taking Jerry last year to Tim and Lynn's for the meal.
Remembering all the wonderful hugs and kisses I got from my sweetie.
Having David stop by for awhile this afternoon (this is his dad's year to have him).
Making my cornbread stuffing from my mother's Watkins cookbook she received in 1937 as a wedding gift.
A comfortable house to host the meal.
Beautiful weather today--63 degrees. We had the doors open this afternoon.
God protecting me throughout my first 11 months as a widow.
A good group of widows and widowers at church for support.
Blessings beyond counting living in this free country.
Freedom to worship as I want.

Psalm 95:2 - "Let us come before him with thanksgiving and extol him with music and song." We need to every day come to God with thanksgiving but especially today. I have be thankful in the midst of my sorrow because Jerry is at home, and I am safe and doing OK. Grieving is a healing process. Even though it hurts, it needs to. If I didn't feel pain in my grief, our love was not real. Grieving is the cost of love! I hope your day was blessed.

And the Tears Flow

2018-11-20T18:11:00.002-08:00

The Changing Colors of Fall

Autumn is here showcasing the hues of color.

The trees are ready to shine in their glory.

Bringing a beauty to delight all those who see

The orange, yellow, and golden fading into brown.

Our forests build through the year in preparation

For their time of grandeur to again return.

The leaves glisten, sparkle in color for all to see.

The winds giving a rustling sound of fall.

Then they die and fall to the ground in mounds.

Children play in the dry, crackling heaps.

Gardeners rake, stack, mulch and compost

And all prepare for a season of seeming death.

Trees are bare, bushes naked—all their leaves gone.

Flowers have frozen—all the green has disappeared.

There is no life in nature—all is brown.

Winter is soon to come--a period of no growth.

But is this truly a time of death and no growth?

Is life over when the skeleton of limbs appears?

Why did God give us a season of death?

Everything looks so bleak, still and silent.

God is giving a time of rest and rejuvenation.

A time of silence when deep beneath the soil

Roots are soaking in nutrients in preparation

For a new season of growth in spring.

Our lives have seasons mimicking nature.

Seasons when we pull back from activity.

Times when we too need to rest and rejuvenate

Turning to God to refuel our souls.

The autumns of our lives leading us to winter

Are times of turning to God for nourishment.

Draw close to Him to soak up His love.

To be ready for the coming season of new growth.

The holiday season is bringing back so many memories which cause the tears to flow freely. The past few weeks, I have been writing every chance I get on my book. Yesterday, I completed rereading my CaringBridge journal which indicates the end of writing is very close.

It also meant I was reliving last fall when Jerry started his decline to his death. Especially reading again the 10 Hospice days brought back the days in the final hours with my sweetheart. I would read and try to type through the tears. Last Thanksgiving, he had already started the decline but we weren't as aware of it then as when we entered December. Entering Hospice December 20 and then spending the last 10 days in his bed will make this Christmas season very difficult indeed.

For this Thanksgiving, I will focus on the many things I have to be thankful for in our 50 years marriage rather than the empty chair at the table. There will be 10 at my table with Tim, Lynn, David, 4 of the international students from OU, and the twins grandmother and mother who will bring the adorable twins. It should be a day of happiness with the precious new lives roaming around the house and being their adorable selves.

Colossians 3:15 - "Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful." Peace is such a wonderful serendipity of serving our Lord and Savior! We are called to peace--not to arguing or disagreements or even friendly fights. With family around this Thursday, this is particularly appropriate to ask for peace. And, of course, be thankful. There are SOOO many scriptures on being thankful. It is a great attitude to have every day of your life and not just on Thanksgiving.

Today I am thankful for:

Tears of my grief showing my great love for Jerry.
Cooking yummy food for Thursday.
Cool fall air and the changing of the seasons.
Getting so close to having my book complete.
My daughter, Lynn's vocal chords getting so much better.
Playing in the hand bell choir last week at the Moore High School choir concert.
My sister being in town last weekend for a short visit.
My friend, Linda, coming this weekend for a visit.
Christian friends surrounding me during this time of grief.
God giving me great peace and having so much to be thankful for on Thursday.

Jerry Still Within Me

2018-11-10T14:42:00.000-08:00

It has been interesting to see how many ways I seem to be copying Jerry in my own personality since he left me 10 months ago. A simple one was his favorite coffee flavor: Highlander Grogg. I ordered it recently from my son-in-law, Tim, and found it is my new favorite as well. I really like the flavor but also feel a part of Jerry when I drink it.

My sweetie was such a people person--a true Mary where I have always been a Martha. I am trying to incorporate more of that Mary personality into mine. I am just a partial person without Jerry. When you marry someone, the two become one flesh and we enjoyed that for 50 years. I am not complete without him making me want to take on more of his personality.

Then there is my writing. Jerry loved to write and wrote all the time. He was an excellent writer, very creative with words. However, Jerry was a starter and not a finisher. I had never written much (other than newsletters, bulletins, and all my Ph.D. work) until CaringBridge came along. Writing every day proved to be so therapeutic for me. Now in writing my book, I am also finding great joy in the writing process. This has been a week for real focus on the writing of my 22 Months with Jerry, Living the Abundant Life Caregiving with God. I am into September in my journal as I am reading and writing our story. So far I have 17 chapters in the book. Here is a listing of the chapters:

The Day Our Lives Changed Forever
What Do I Do Now?
Training for My New Job During the Skilled Nursing Days
Home Alone with Home Health
The New Normal
The Climax of the 50th
Creating a Network of Support
Fighting for the One You Love--Put on Those Boxing Gloves
Finding a Sanctuary for Survival While Being a Captive in Your Own Home
Life on a Pirate Ship
Weakness Means Strength
Thank You for the Struggles
Caring for the Man Who is No Longer the Same
Planning for the End and Living Day-to-Day--The Practical Side
When the End Comes
My Favorite Devotionals from the 22 Months
My Personal Psalms

Jeremiah 30:2 - “This is what the Lord, the God of Israel, says: ‘Write in a book all the words I have spoken to you.'" God and I had a very close relationship during the 22 months I was a caregiver. No, I didn't receive a direct call from God like this one where He spoke to me audibly. However, I have received encouragement from several of my readers and feel passionate about sharing our story. I am laying it in God's hands to do whatever He wants done with the book. Of course, I would enjoy sharing my story not only though the book but also through speaking to tell our testimony. You have to have a test in order to have a testimony, and did I ever have a test!

Our first freeze came last night--about a week earlier than our average. The picture below is my Mexican Bush Sage, an annual which I cut in time to enjoy the blossoms a little longer. I am also trying to take a cutting and root it for next year.

Today I am thankful for:

The changing of the seasons and cooler temps.
The garden going to sleep for the winter to return in its glory next spring.
Going to Panera by myself today and not crying until I was ready to leave--progress!
Great neighbors! Bert helped me get my small chest freezer out of my car and in its proper place in the garage.
Having such a wonderful story to tell about our 22 months together.
The reminders of God's greatness to us during those days.
The love we shared for so many years and was so special toward the end.
Facing Thanksgiving with thanks in my heart for my marriage.
A new kitchen/dining floor going in Monday.
The compelling drive I have to write my book telling God's story.

Yes, I Am Still Here!

2018-11-02T19:15:00.002-07:00

It has been 2 weeks since I last posted. My sister-in-law, Shirley, was here from California for those 2 weeks. We had a super visit, but it left little time for posting. We shared a lot of grieving stories as her husband (Jerry's older brother) died 3.5 months after Jerry did. Shirley and I now have a close bond.

We shared what we miss the most about not having our husbands with us. For her getting ready to come on this trip, she had to pack for herself. Marvin, her husband, would always pack her suitcase for her when she left on trips. These Cox men were good packers. Jerry could always get more in a smaller space than I could. We miss having to figure out things on our own without having our guy to run things by. We miss holding hands during prayers at church and at home. We just miss having them around!

One of the things we enjoyed doing together was go to a high school musical. We also enjoyed eating out together. These are difficult to do alone and just not any fun. When she first arrived, we drove over to Searcy, AR to see some friends from California who had retired to Searcy. It was great getting to know Martha and Charlie.

Here in Oklahoma City, I took her to see the memorial for the bombing of the Alfred P. Murrah Federal Building on April 19, 1995. It is a sacred place where so many died senselessly because of one man and his hatred. Across the street from the memorial is a church with the statue pictured below. Beneath the statue, it simply states, "And Jesus wept." All those people who say, "Where was God when this happened?" The statue says it all. He was crying with his Father in heaven over the pain His children were feeling.

Shirley and I also talked about what we do now. This quote was in my readings this week: "Our days are only worth living when the Lord is the director of them." Shirley and my lives have been completely turned upside down. All the things we did as a couple are now done as a single. However, if we turn over our lives completely to God, He will direct where He wants us to go and what He wants us to do. While Shirley was here, I spoke twice on Caregiving. It is truly awesome to share God's amazing care of us with others. I am praying God will bless that effort even more.

Psalm 48:14 - "For that is what God is life. He is our God forever and ever, and he will guide us until we die." How comforting to know God is always there in our past, present, and future. His guidance of our lives doesn't ever stop unless we stop it. We always have the option of taking back the reigns and living our lives without His guidance. May each of us daily turn our lives over to God's guidance.

Today I am grateful for:

Sweet memories of Jerry and Marvin.
Many tears over the last few weeks as my grieving continues and continues. Grieving means I loved someone dearly so thankful for the grief.
The wonderful visit I had with Shirley.
Beautiful fall colors in the trees.
Cool fall temps.
Getting to go to the musical Oklahoma tomorrow night for Oklahoma Christian's homecoming this weekend.
Visiting an old friend this week we knew in Tulsa, Dot.
God's never changing being.
Jesus weeping over our pain--how special that is.
God's direction in my life.

Remembering

2018-10-16T09:23:00.000-07:00

As I sat in worship and took of the emblems of communion, it brought to mind the purpose of communion--to remember. On a recent Sunday, here are the words that came to mind.

Communion

The simple wafer is taken from the tray.

As I put it in my mouth, my mind is focused.

The symbol of Christ’s broken body in my body.

Reminding me of the excruciating pain he endured.

The juice in its little cup comes next.

Blood was shed as Christ’s body was pierced.

The liquid flows down my throat to remind me

Of the precious blood that flowed just for me.

Remembering is what communion initiates.

Reminding me of the salvation that’s mine.

Rejoicing for the sacrificial lamb’s death.

Rededicating my life back in service to God.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

We need the weekly reminder to keep the sacrifice in our minds to never forget the immense love indicated by Christ's death. As humans, we need the reminder to help us take our minds off the busyness of this life.

However, with Jerry, I need no reminder to remember him. I still wear my wedding ring. It is so much a part of me after 50 years. Everything in the house reminds me of him. I am sitting in his office at his desk as I write this. The memories are always there--the reminders are everywhere.

So why do we so easily forget about the sacrifice of our Savior? Is our love not strong enough? Do we get over involved in the day-to-day activities? Is our worship of Jesus not embedded into all we do? Remembering His death should be as automatic as remembering my husband.

Maybe I need to add to my morning quiet time how important it is to thank Him for that sacrifice, to tell Him how much I love Him for it; and to commune with Him more than just on Sunday morning.

Here is the definition of communion:

the sharing or exchanging of intimate thoughts and feelings, especially when the exchange is on a mental or spiritual level.

2.

the service of Christian worship at which bread and wine are consecrated and shared.

Yes, there is a Christian definition but I like the other definition of sharing and exchanging intimate thoughts and feelings on a mental or spiritual level. That is exactly what our Lord wants us to do--share with Him all our thoughts on a daily basis!

I Corinthians 11:23-25 - For I received from the Lord what I also delivered to you, that the Lord Jesus on the night when he was betrayed took bread, and when he had given thanks, he broke it, and said, “This is my body, which is for you. Do this in remembrance of me.” In the same way also he took the cup, after supper, saying, “This cup is the new covenant in my blood. Do this, as often as you drink it, in remembrance of me.” This verse doesn't say we can only take communion on Sunday during worship but says, as often as! We need to be purposeful in making our communion with our Lord daily just as my remembrance of Jerry is daily!

Today I am thankful for:

My sister-in-law, Shirley, arriving today for a 2-week visit.
Heading to Searcy, AR tomorrow to see a friend of hers and hopefully to see some fall colors.
Praying with ladies last night at the prayer session.
Our church wanting to reach out to the community with the gospel.
Good sleep with the cool nights.
Hand bell practice today--what fun!
Family.
Being a part of God's family.
Great memories of Jerry.
The memory of Christ's death for us through our communion with Him.

Missing My Other Half!

2018-10-13T18:48:00.002-07:00

Southern hospitality was real where I grew up. Our house in Dallas was the center of activity for all kinds of events from wedding receptions, to showers, to rehearsal dinners, to roller skating parties (yes in the driveway when we had the metal skates), to dinners for everyone who came through town. I didn't know there was any other way to be but hospitable. When Jerry and I got married, we immediately started having people over for dinner. He adapted to it well, and we entertained our entire marriage.

As I said in my Celebration of Life talk for Jerry, we were the Mary and Martha couple. Jerry never met someone he didn't love. He was drawn to people and they to him. He would meet all sorts of people at church, the store, or just wherever and start loving them. We had company over at the house regularly. I was the Martha. I planned, cooked, served, organized the conversation, and put everything away when it was over. We made a complete couple--for 50 years!

Now I still entertain mostly because I have Tim and Lynn here and that makes it easy to invite others over for dinner. We have also gotten involved with the Friends to International Students Association on the OU campus. I have just gotten paired with 3 female students from Korea. Two were able to come to dinner tonight to join with Milad and Arman from Iran. Today was Arman's birthday so we celebrated with a meal and cake and ice cream. Here is a picture of our table guests.

Here is the difficult part. I am just not complete without my Jerry. I love having people over but want my host husband here with me. I want to be able to talk with him after they leave about the people, share warmth with him, and sit on the love seat in exhaustion with him to rest! There isn't a day where I don't miss Jerry--A LOT!

Ephesians 1:11 (NLT) - "Furthermore, because we are united with Christ, we have received an inheritance from God, for he chose us in advance, and he makes everything work out according to his plan." God does make everything work out according to His plan. I don't understand His plan as His thoughts are higher than mine. (Isaiah 55:) I do know people still need to be loved and feel that in this world. These precious souls from Iran have become our family. They are here permanently. I don't know what all God has planned for me, but I know He has it all figured out. I just have to let Him lead and follow. He knows my heart aches for Jerry, and He comforts me.

Today I am grateful for:

Attending a composting class this morning to make my composting better!
A rainy day but it finally quit.
Wonderful fall weather.
Cooking wonderful Mexican pile up for dinner tonight.
Learning about the Iranian and Korean cultures from our guests tonight.
Meeting new friends.
Reconnecting with friends from LONG ago.
God's beauty still in my garden.
The sweet memories of Jerry every day.
God making everything work out according to his plan.

I Don't Fit!

2018-10-11T19:46:00.004-07:00

It seems I am doing everything right in my grieving process. I am not hiding at home but getting out with lots of people. I am involved in church, teaching a Sunday morning class, running the computer for worship every 6 weeks, singing on praise team monthly, run the video camera for Sunday worship monthly, attend Monday night ladies prayer group, am in a life group on Sunday nights, still involved in Master Gardeners, and attend Bible Study Fellowship.

And yet, so many places I got, I feel so out of place. I need my husband! He is what made me complete. He is the one I could cuddle up to during church, hold his hand during prayers, cuddle with on the love seat to watch a movie, go out to dinner and to the theater. Now I don't fit as a single. It is truly a couples world! I am around people enough not to feel a loneliness throughout the day but there is an emptiness where Jerry fit so beautifully. I miss him!

I will have a house full this weekend so that will help. We are having a dinner with 3 people from church, Tim, Lynn, David, Kelly Ann, and 5 OU students. Two of our Iranian students are coming to celebrate the birthday of one, Lynn has a student from Tiawan, and I have 2 from Korea. There is an association on the OU campus to match families with students so we signed up. It will be great fun! And yet, Jerry would have loved the meet them all!

Tonight was my baby night to spend with the twin boys. They are 10 months old and will be taking off walking soon and are SO adorable! The great grandmother who is fostering them now for 6 months turned 76 this week. Please pray for her strength. She is so ready to do something else. Jerry would have adored helping out with them!

II Samuel 22:21-25 (MSG) - "God made my life complete when I placed all the pieces before him. When I cleaned up my act, he gave me a fresh start. Indeed I've kept alert to God's ways; I haven't taken God for granted. Every day I review the ways he works, I try not to miss a trick, I feel put back together, and I'm watching my step. God rewrote the text of my life when I opened the book of my heart to his eyes." What an awesome scripture! Amazing! All I need to do is give the single pieces of my life to God, and He gives me a fresh start. I realize it is a process and won't happen overnight. I have been a widow for 10 months now, but it hasn't gotten any easier. Yes, it is bearable but more and more I miss things about being married to my sweet guy. God will take the pieces and rewrite my life!

Today I am thankful for:

1. A beautiful fall day.

2. Practicing with the hand-bell choir today!

3. My sister-in-law coming in next week from California.

4. Rain to keep the land watered.

5. The ability to get out and see people.

6. A lovely time with the twins tonight.

7. Getting to go to the great grandmother's birthday dinner tomorrow night.

8. God's love every day.

9. The blessing of a church.

10. God taking all the pieces of my life and working to give me a new life.

Sacred Tears

2018-10-06T17:39:00.000-07:00

Here is a quote I found during the caregiving days:

"There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messenger of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love." Washington Irving

That says a lot. May our society completely get past the notion that men and boys don't cry and let the experience the healing that can come through the tears. It shows love and not just sadness. It is a way of releasing emotions of healing.

Yesterday I attended the funeral of one of the elders at the church we used to attend. His wife lost her 7-year battle with cancer last week. I feel an immediate bond with someone who loses a spouse, but it is difficult to attend those funerals. I attended visitation and his comment to me was, "I thought I was ready after 7 years." Nope, I was ready with all the arrangements to be made, ready to take over the household maintenance, ready to maintain the garden, but never ready to say that final goodbye!

This week has been one of lots of writing on my book. Because of that, it has also been a week of many tears. Rereading my journal, reliving the days of the stroke, remembering the struggles and the good times with my husband make me shed lots of tears. It is also a healing time to be able to attempt to put those memories in the book and take from them what I learned to move forward with my life.

Judges 4 tells the story of Deborah, the female judge. In verse 14, it says, "Then Deborah said to Barak, “Go! This is the day the Lord has given Sisera into your hands. Has not the Lord gone ahead of you?” So Barak went down Mount Tabor, with ten thousand men following him." I love the way Deborah encouraged Barak to go to battle. She told Barak God had already gotten to the battle and prepared the way for you to go and take the victory.

God is now going before me in my grieving preparing the way, allowing for tears to flow when needed, and giving me lot of opportunities to share with others. Helping others helps me through the process. The new widower and I were sharing about the stages of grief. Many actually don't hold to that theory any longer. But he said, having stages would mean you would get through all the stages and then be done with the process. There is no end to grieving process--it will go through stages but it is permanent.

Today I am thankful for:

Beautiful cool fall weather today.
My neighbor with 2 heart stents put in Wednesday home today and feeling good.
A good walk this morning with Kelly Ann.
Lynn having a successful choir retreat the last 2 days.
Sweet time on Thursday with the 10-month old twin boys I help with.
Getting several of Jerry's drawings framed and now ready to hang. I included one below.
Wonderful progress this week on my book.
Precious memories of Jerry.
Tears of strength this week.
God going before me to prepare the way before I arrive.

A New Era

2018-09-30T20:17:00.000-07:00

A New Era

Inspired by opening renovated auditorium at Alameda Church of Christ, 9/30/18

Today at Alameda, our congregation opened a new era.

We worshiped the first time in our newly renovated auditorium.

Our excitement is growing due to the newness of the building,

But more for the newness of the vision of the shepherds.

It is a new era in the life of this body of Christ.

A new era of committing to carrying out the great commission

Of reaching out to the community where our building abides

To create a dynamic church making a difference in our city.

My own life is in a new era now as a widow.

It is not with the same excitement I start this era.

There are many unknowns in the era of a widow's life.

As I must travel without the companionship of a husband.

Now I travel alone through the tasks of life.

My house and heart are empty of my husband.

He is no longer blessing me with hugs, kisses, and song.

My heart is heavy with the grief I feel.

But the new era also has a renewed purpose.

God not only held me up though my caregiving,

He continues to hold me up each and every day.

I do not feel alone because He holds me close.

When the waters of baptism wash over you erasing sin,

A new era begins for the fully forgiven Christian.

The new life takes away the guilt of all past sin

And gives grace to cover the future life to come.

The new Christian is not walking that life alone.

The gift of the Holy Spirit is given to indwell.

Providing strength, wisdom, guidance and fortitude.

Never alone but filled with the presence of God.

Embrace the new era of being a Christian today,

Whether you are brand new or saved many years past.

God’s mercies are new every day giving a new beginning

Each day is a new era of your life living in God's mercy.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I have been in this new era 9 months today. Jerry died December 30. I still think I will come home to find him here and often wake up in the morning wondering where he is. Fifty years of marriage was a long time to now be single again.

Last night, I went with Lynn and Kelly Ann to see Music Man. We have always loved musicals and it was a wonderful opportunity to just get out with family. It was a great production, but also full of difficult moments in my grieving. The last time I was in that auditorium at Oklahoma City Community College, Jerry was with me sitting in the row immediately behind the row where I currently sat in a wheelchair. That was a painful memory to be alone now. Of course, one of the most famous songs from Music Man is 76 Trombones. Jerry turned 76 almost 5 months after his stroke. He could not remember his age so every time he couldn't remember, I would hum that song to get him to remember 76. Then, of course, there were the love songs--tough to sit through without tears!

But it was a lovely evening and so glad I was able to attend with these lovely ladies.

Here is a quote from a recent devotional: "I would rather walk with God in the dark than to go alone in the light." Mary Gardiner Brainard, Not Knowing

This quote tied in well with a scripture I used in the class I teach on Sunday mornings. We are studying women in the Bible and today's lesson was about Deborah. Judges 4:14b says, "Has not the Lord gone ahead of you?" Wow, the times He has gone before me in my life cannot even be numbered. Just on my trip, God put people in my life everywhere I went for me to minister to with my new experiences. He continues to do the same and will also for you. What a comforting thought to know God is ahead of us preparing the way for our arrival. He is not always taking the difficulties out of our path but giving us what we need to get around them! Wow, what a thought!

Today I am thankful for:

Worshiping in our newly remodeled auditorium.
Teaching ladies class at church studying women.
Seeing my grandson, David baptized this morning! Praise God. He began a new era in his life.
A wonderful Sunday afternoon nap.
Tim teaching a great lesson this evening on David and Goliath.
Attending an area-wide worship tonight at Oklahoma Christian with great singing.
God giving me words to write.
My daughters, Lynn and Kelly Ann (adopted) to attend the musical with last night.
New friends being developed at my new church.
God going ahead of me to prepare the way.

A prayer request: Lynn has had some voice difficulties ever since school started. She is now continuing to suffer with that as well as a massive sinus headache. Pray for healing.

The Path

2018-09-22T18:17:00.000-07:00

The Path

Inspired by the hiking path at Linville Falls, North Carolina

The path led me from the parking lot.

It was tree-lined, covered with shade.

The shelter all around covered my head

Giving me a feeling of security as I hiked.

The goal as I hiked were the rushing falls.

I followed along the guided path

And the reward of the views to come

Kept me going over the ups and downs.

As I walked along the defined path,

I noticed many side paths off the main.

Their destination was a mystery to entice

The hiker with the lure of the unknown.

The path also had rocks scattered as I walked

Causing me to take caution with each step

Many stairs took me to the goal of the view

With hand rails to use to steady my steps.

Some of the path was downhill and easier to travel

While other parts were uphill traveled with effort.

The downhills were easier creating a respite

But the uphill took greater strength and focus.

As I walked along the path using ever-increasing strength,

I came along a bench—a place of rest and renewal,

A pace to sit, breathe deeply, and refresh

To once again move farther down the path.

The view at the end of the long and lovely path

Was worth the rocks, steps, upward and downward

Bringing me to see beautiful Linville Falls

Giving me rest, peace, joy, and beauty.

My path through life is similar in many ways.

God defines the path through the beauty of abundant living.

He lays out the goal at the end of our path

And provides eternal rest, peace, joy and beauty.

But along the way, it is often challenging travel.

There are rocks of discouragement, depression, and death.

Some rocks are easy to step over in my way

But others take faith and strength from above.

God often provides hand rails for me to hold

As the path goes sharply up or down

Some paths in my life move easily down

But others take greater strength to upward climb.

Many paths along the way cause my attention to stray.

The mystery of the side path draws me away.

Should I see where that path leads into the woods

Even though it is away from my goal ahead?

God gives me my path and holds my hand each day

To strengthen me every day to move toward the goal.

The path is clearly marked if I seek Him

His word becoming my GPS—God Positioning System.

But Satan is also wanting to be my guide along the path

Providing many side paths to lure me away

Putting rocks in my life to slow me down

And wanting to lead me astray with his deceit.

Follow the defined path God provides

Take the benches of rest in His sheltering arms.

Turn to Him for strength along the way

And arrive safely at the goal—the view of your heavenly home.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

My trip ended last week but the recuperation and getting caught up at home has taken some time. Being gone 3.5 weeks is a very long time. However, I wouldn't have cut it any shorter with all the wonderful people and places I saw. Catching up is just difficult.

Much grieving took place along the way on this trip. The ocean is such a healing place--full of God's power and serenity. I treasured every step I took along the beaches.

Isaiah 25:1 - "Lord, you are my God; I will exalt you and praise your name, for in perfect faithfulness you have done wonderful things, things planned long ago." Being able to share what God did for Jerry and I during our 22 months together after the stroke can be summed up in this one verse. God was perfectly faithful. He never left us or let us down once. He did wonderful things day by day giving us the special time He did even though it ended in temporary separation. I know from other verses in Psalm 139 that our lives were planned many years ago and written in a book. I need to spend the rest of my life praising and exalting my God for what He did! Will you join me?

Today I am thankful for:

Being able to travel safely as I did for 25 days adding 3,306 miles to my car.
Wonderful rain this weekend bringing fall-type temperatures.
Seeing my friends, Dick and Jeronia, yesterday in Tulsa as he is recovering from a stroke.
Visiting with my brother and sister-in-law, James and Nelda in Tulsa.
Finally getting caught up on sleep, mail, and odds and ends after such a long trip.
Remembering my sweet guy daily with joy and tears.
Having a husband who is worthy of being missed.
Safety traveling to Tulsa yesterday in a horrible rain storm.
Kelly Ann helping me tonight with projects.
Having a God who is worthy of my constant praise for his faithfulness!

The Waterfalls of Life

2018-09-12T12:43:00.001-07:00

The Waterfalls of Life

Inspired by Linville Falls, North Carolina

By Lois Cox

Water rushing, constantly rushing

Falling over rocks ever downward

Ever flowing with no end in sight.

Where Why? What? Comes to mind.

Water running ever on its path

Slowing only for a pool to rest.

Then back to the swirling rapids

And the rush builds again.

Life is like a waterfall moving

Starting so small so far from here.

Then building and growing as it moves

Slowly emptying at the end.

As you rush through life,

Enjoy the calming pools

Rest to gather strength

For the rapids still to come.

God is with you in the rush

And He provides the pools of stillness.

God guides your moving path

By creating the channels of life.

The pools of stillness are God’s reprieve.

His way of providing a time of peace.

Draw close to Him in the quiet

And He will meet your needs.

The stillness gives needed rest

And helps to build your strength.

He draws us close to Him

To prepare us for what is next.

Welcome these pools of respite.

Grow in the times of quiet

Because soon you will move again

To the rapids of busy life.

Some day the waters of your life

Will reach its end here

And empty into the ocean of God’s eternity

Where the pools of His love and peace await.

Here is a quote I gleaned from a TED Talk I listened to this week. "Grief is a raging river and you have to get into it because when you do it carries you to the next place. It eventually takes you to open land somewhere where it will turn out OK in the end." ~Simone George. This trip has plunged me into the raging river and helped me immensely in my grieving process. Seeing friends from long ago, ministering to people individually or speaking to them in a group, and being in God's nature has helped me move to a new place farther down the grief journey.

Philippians 1:4-6 - " In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." I believe God is doing a good work in my by allowing me to share with others my testimony of His amazing care through my time of caregiving. I know when my work is done here, He will take me home to join Jerry. What a win/win situation!

Today I am thankful for:

Wonderful time visiting Nashville.
Great renewal of friendship with Sandra from 40 years ago.
Stimulating spiritual conversation with Sandra.
A quiet place for my morning quiet time on their back porch.
The beautiful lake today to sit and visit with Sandra.
Learning more about my trip to Israel in March (I am staying with my tour hosts).
God's nature and being able to spend time close to God.
God's care on my long trip.
Being able to share tonight at Sandra's church.
God doing a good work in me through my testimony.

Pray for my travels home tomorrow--back to Oklahoma!!!

People in my path

2018-09-05T10:20:00.000-07:00

God has been truly amazing on this trip with the people He has put in my path to minister to on my journey. Last Sunday, I sat in the middle of a pew in church and an older couple sat down next to me. In visiting with the wife, it was obvious very soon she was suffering from either dementia or Alzheimer's. She was very pleasant but kept repeating herself to me over and over. After church, their daughter met me, and I shared what I was doing in my travels. She invited me to join them for lunch which I did--always better than eating alone! After lunch, we visited some more letting her know she would be in my prayers as her future has a lot of caregiving in it. Her father is also in failing health. She works full time giving her a very full plate. She agreed it was no mistake we met that morning at church. I plan to keep her on my prayer list and hope to be of a continuing encouragement to her.

Having lunch with my great nephew yesterday who is studying at North Carolina University was also a wonderful experience. He is a very sweet young man who agreed to meet with me. We hadn't seen each other for probably 10 years. When you are 18, that is HUGE. We visited easily learning about his interest and goals. What a wonderful trip. Also getting to have lunch with Paul and Mara on Monday before they caught a plane out of Raleigh was another blessing. God is truly the perfect arranger!

Today I am traveling to Hickory, NC to see other great friends from my past. North Carolina is very pretty and loaded with trees. They are wonderful but cause issues when you can't see what is at each exit until you get off to look. I don't like to stop at a gas station that isn't a big one for safety reasons so often have to get off and on a few times before finding one I am comfortable with for stopping.

Luke 4:18a - "The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because he hath anointed me to preach the gospel to the poor; he hath sent me to heal the brokenhearted, . . " God has been healing my broken heart with each mile on this trip. Yes, I have had plenty of times when tears flowed freely but so many opportunities to reach out to others. It is hard to stay down when you are helping others raise up. God is truly amazing in His care and the healing He continues to bring.

Today I am grateful for:

The wonderful visit with Susan (see picture). Susan is the daughter of the couple I stayed with in Timnath, CO.
Beautiful North Carolina.
Safety in my travels.
Seeing Paul and Mara.
Seeing my nephew, Harris.
Walking through the Raleigh Aboretum.
A wonderful family to learn to know in Raleigh.
Such pleasant travels--very happy to be on such a long trip.
Opportunities to help others.
The healing God continues to give my broken heart.

No Fear with God

2018-09-02T05:24:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I enjoyed walking around Charleston, South Carolina--a very historic city. The visitor center told me this was a walking town so just park and walk. I did as he said and parked close to the south end of the city and then walked around. Everything was great until I needed to go from one tourist area to another and needed to walk through 10-15 minutes without the safety of other tourists around me for security. I became very uncomfortable when in these situations. Jerry was such a comfort and security for me.

God is that now. I knew even though I was uncomfortable, God was with me and giving me safety no matter where I was. It is still quite an adjustment to be alone in a city I am unfamiliar with for visiting.

Psalm 4:8 - "In peace I will lie down and sleep, for you alone, Lord, make me dwell in safety." Since Jerry first had his stroke, God has helped me lie down at night, fall asleep, and sleep soundly. Of course, during that time, God knew I needed the rest to be able to get up to my job of caregiving again the next day. Now, it is to allow me to sleep without fear being alone. I need to adopt this verse for day time as well. I also need to be careful not to put myself in uncomfortable situations.

This morning, the sunrise at the hotel was gorgeous. It greeted me as I left the room to go down for breakfast. I was thankful for the room. This is Labor Day weekend, so it took the third exit outside of Charleston before I found a vacancy!

Today I am thankful for:

A good night's rest finding a room last night.
A church close by this morning to worship God.
The gorgeous sunrise to greet me.
Safety yesterday when I felt apprehensive.
God blessing me so much in my travels.
Wonderful waffles for breakfast!
The historic sites of Charleston yesterday.
A surprise meeting tomorrow in Raleigh, NC with Paul and Mara from Wisconsin!
Moving on to more friends this week to reconnect with on this trip.
God being with me every night to sleep well.

The Lighthouse

2018-08-31T17:33:00.000-07:00

Today I spent some time on Folly Beach close to Charleston, South Carolina. I have always looking for lighthouse and often driven out of the way to find them. Here is something I wrote sitting on the beach looking at the lighthouse.

The Lighthouse

The fascination of light houses.

What is it? Why so enticing?

Why am I so drawn to them?

They guide the sailor’s way

Safely to the harbor from the sea.

Warning of perils along the way.

Their beacon at night shines afar

Giving hope to the captain of ships,

Alerted to dangers and their port is in sight.

God is my lighthouse always there

His light shining night or day,

Showing us the way safely home.

I will keep my eyes firmly on the light

To guide, direct, warn, and show the way.

My path to make clear through my life.

Today I moved back to traveling in solitude. The time with my daughter and grandchildren was great--especially having someone to do the tourist thing with, someone to sit and eat with, and people to surround me in the morning and at night. It is truly an adjustment to the single life. I can't say I am embracing it but am adjusting to it.

"When someone we love dies, God hides a smile in every memory and hope in every tear." This quote was in one of my devotional books yesterday. Then I real this scripture this morning from Deuteronomy 28:13 - "The Lord will make you the head, not the tail. If you pay attention to the commands of the Lord your God that I give you this day and carefully follow them, you will always be at the top, never at the bottom." Believing God has great benefits and here is one of them. God will be sure my emotions will be on the top. That doesn't mean I won't have depressing days--certainly I have had several since I left home. But God will keep working with me to bring me back up when I get down. Traveling alone is not my choice, but God is with me each day!

Today I am thankful for:

Another day at the ocean.
Safety on the roads.
Seeing the ruins of the beautiful Old Sheldon Church.
Finding a hotel room on Labor Day weekend.
The excitement of seeing historic Charleston, SC tomorrow.
Seeing a lighthouse--one of my favorites.
A great visit in Georgia.
Prayers and tears on the beach.
God's faithfulness.
God promising to keep me up on top even on down days.

The Meaning of Life

2018-08-30T07:50:00.000-07:00

My trip to the Eastern part of the US has been great. I have seen lots of beaches, sunrises, sunsets, flowers, ocean waves, lovely cities and on and on. Traveling through the southern states on the Gulf Coast has shown me lush greenery with trees lining every highway. Tourist spots have all been hit, seen, and enjoyed.

Once again, however, I have learned the meaning of life. My trip has been full of value because of the friendships renewed, sharing my testimony about God's providence, and having a purpose in living my life from this day forward. Having fun is wonderful. Being a tourist is great. Eating out is so enjoyable. But it is WHO I am having fun with, sharing the sites with, fellow-shipping with over a meal with family and friends that is important! Relationships are the foundation of life.

The most important relationship is the one with my God! The prayer time with Him, being amazed at His nature, experiencing the beauty of a sunrise and sunset over the water, speaking about God's miracles in Jerry's recovery--that is what is important!

Jerry was an amazing man. He was a genius literally. He loved people with a deep care an concern for their well being. He served His God in the ministry for several years. He loved his family. He honored his commitment to our marriage covenant for 50 years. He lived through physical pain without complaint. He never turned away from his commitment to His God.

Ecclesiastes 12:13 - "Now all has been heard; here is the conclusion of the matter: Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the duty of all mankind." Solomon had everything this world considers valuable and important: wealth, wisdom, and women. He spends almost the entire book talking about how meaningless life seems to be. And yet he ends with this conclusion of the total purpose in life. Our entire duty is to fear God and be careful to obey his commands. Jerry did that his entire life. He never amassed a lot of wealth or fame, but his life was totally successful and full of value and meaning. How wonderful to have these memories of my sweet husband.

Today I am grateful for:

Time with my daughter, grandson, and granddaughter.
Morning sunrises.
Evening sunsets.
The nature connection with God.
Sweet memories of Jerry.
Having a testimony to share.
Reconnecting with friends and family.
Playing games with my family.
Enjoying Cassidy's cockatiel.
The knowledge of my whole duty in this life.

God's Love is at the Ocean

2018-08-27T07:13:00.000-07:00

My time here has been wonderful--especially the time at the ocean. I have been uplifted, comforted, strengthened, and inspired by the movements of the ocean. Here is something I wrote just this morning while drinking my coffee and looking out at the shoreline at my daughter's home.

The Tides

Each evening the tides begin to rise

Ever so slowly the water inches up

The shoreline disappears as it rises.

Each morning the tide begins to lower

And again ever so slowly the water inches down

The shoreline comes back into view.

The moon's pull is the mighty force

To create this daily ocean action

That happens daily, monthly, yearly.

In and out as regular as a ticking clock

As dependable as the rising of the sun

As consistent at winter melting into spring.

God is the power behind it all.

His power is dependable, is consistent

More important His love is the ultimate force!

Yesterday was a great day. I was given the honor of speaking on Sunday morning as the sermon in an Episcopalian church in Richmond Hill, GA close to my daughter's house. How wonderful to be able to share God's amazing care through our 22 months. God is blessing me with such wonders.

Lamentations 3:22-24 - "Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.” What a wonderful scripture to go along with my thoughts on the tides. Great is God's faithfulness seen in all areas of nature but especially in my life! God has gotten me here safely (even through being pushed off the road onto the shoulder by a semi) and has helped me move from loneliness to solitude. Life is manageable with God by my side! Here is a picture of sunset as seen from my daughter's dock.

Today I am thankful for:

Being at my daughter's house.
Having Kara, Alex, and Cassidy come to support me when I preached yesterday.
The opportunity to spread God's amazing care.
The ocean
The tides.
Seeing God's beautiful sunsets.
Playing games with my grandchildren yesterday (even if the beat me).
A fun week ahead with m kids here.
The opportunity to travel.
God's faithfulness never ceasing!

Praise to God for His protection on the road.