23 and Heartbroken

One little victory

2011-07-07T21:07:00.000+01:00

Things most definitely kicked off between me and the ex today, ending in me chuckling to myself for almost 30 minutes. Not because I was amused, but because I didn't know how else to deal with the fury I was feeling. But I knew she was equally feeling something, either fury or sadness but she definitely did. As you know she'd been breaking my balls about getting her dvd back, and this week I obliged her by sending all of her stuff back: DVD, an old picture I had of her, a shower sponge she'd left here and a receipt. There was a reason for the receipt - this woman is obsessive with her finances, to the point where she documents all her purchases with receipts. This receipt was for over £100, I wouldn't have bothered sending back a receipt for a trivial amount, I was doing her a favour. So imagine my surprise when I received a text message from her out of the blue saying:

"Wow! Petty much! Funny though"

I obviously text her back asking her what she was going on about

"Haha! A shower sponge and a receipt, love it!"

Fury hit me, to the point where I was shaking. This woman, of ALL WOMEN, is trying to take the high road on pettiness!? Unbelievable! I resisted the urge to send her back abuse, instead sending her back a calm reply of:

"1) You're obsessive with your finances, that receipt was for over £100. I thought I was doing you a favour. 2) I didn't know what you wanted back so I sent everything of yours left in my room. Think what you like"

For one thing, she must be feeling like an idiot for her childish reaction to getting her stuff back. She's incredibly fake and I don't buy the whole "it's funny...love it" nonsense; if she was that nonchalant about it then why text me at all? It affected her in some way, probably coupled with the fact that in the 3 weeks it's been since she broke my heart it's been her initiating contact all the time. She's a callous woman, cancerous and an all-round horrible person. I was too good for her, she's trash and deserves a trashy alpha-male who'll treat her badly. I don't think I'll ever forgive myself for falling for such a diabolical woman, being such an easy target. She's pathetic and a joke, best luck to her in the future.

23AH

Checking back in

2011-07-01T11:36:00.001+01:00

Apologies for the period of silence, I've had tasks and situations rising up all around me for the last week! It all led to me having an interview with Deloitte yesterday for a graduate position in Internal Auditing. It is Sod's Law that this opportunity arose at a time that I was in the middle of a personal crisis! We're talking about the biggest accountancy firm in the world here, they look for confidence and swagger in their graduates. I have ZERO confidence right now, I don't have a high opinion of myself and I don't see any qualities in myself that would be desirable by others. That being said I walked in to that office at 9am yesterday with my chest out, shoulders back and with swagger in my step! I talked the talk and walked the walk, we'll see if I make it through to the final round of the selection process. It would be a huge confidence boost if I make it and could be just what I need.

Now back to the topic of the blog, my ex girlfriend and how I'm dealing with her leaving me. In my last post I gave you all the impression that I was definitely on the mend and things were looking up....Those comments were most definitely premature. I returned to London for the first time since she left me on tuesday and I passed Leicester Square, where she works. Out of no where the biggest lump formed in my throat and my eyes began watering rapidly. I couldn't believe it, I was on a crowded train in the centre of the city and I was on the brink of breaking down. I swallowed hard and started breathing controlled breaths, trying to regain composure. Upon return to my family home I sat down in front of the computer to continue interview preparation, but she was in my head now and I began to feel languid. "What's the point? Even if I get the job she still won't be around, I'll still be the same bum I was before". All my enthusiasm had been sapped and I was close to not being bothered about the most important day of my life to date. 3 weeks it's been since she ditched me and I've not made any progress, not deep down under the surface. One reminder of her and I'm back to being close to breaking down! It's pathetic. I managed to get my mind right and get re-focused on my interview prep, but surprise-bloody-surprise; she decided to text me after 3 weeks of silence, the night BEFORE my big interview!!! You can't script such coincidences.

"Hey, how are you? Just wondering when you sent my dvd back because I haven't got it yet..."

I was infuriated that after 3 weeks, all she was texting me about was her bloody dvds!?! I don't mean to curse, but she's being a bitch. I decided not to act moody and angry, instead taking the high-road and acting like she doesn't phase me anymore. I apologised to her for the delay in sending her dvd back, explaining I'd been rushed off my feet and I'll send it as soon as I get back to my university, assuring her that she knows I'm not a thief.

"I know you're not a thief. I was just wondering. You sure you don't want your house keys back?"

I'd told her the last time I spoke to her to throw them away, I was quite emphatic about that point! Why had she kept them? And why was she prolonging the conversation? I didn't like it, I no longer wanted to speak to her. "No, it's been sorted. Cheers" I replied, extremely concise leaving her with no way to reply. Once she receives her dvd, if she tries to contact me again I'll request that she deletes my number and doesn't contact me again, she should have got the message after I deleted her on facebook. I know what she's thinking. "He's mad now, he hates me. But once he's over it we can go back to being friends, he's the most reliable person in my life and without him I have no other chumps to take advantage of"....Never again. I listened to "One Day in Your Life" by Michael Jackson the other day and what he was singing about is absolutely right; Maybe not today or this year, but one day she is going to miss me and remember the love we used to share. Was I too nice? Yes of course I was and that was silly of me, but she'll struggle to find another man who will a) Love her as much as I did, b) Stick with her regardless of her intolerable personality. Maybe she realises this already, hence why she using an old Ace Ventura 2 dvd (which she could replace for £2-£3) as an excuse to contact me? Who knows, either way I'm not letting her back in to my life in any capacity. Am I better without her in my life? No I'm not, I'm a mess and a broken man. But I'm convinced that the experience that I'm going through right now is important for me and will make me stronger in the long run. It's horrible and depressing, but it's made me more determined than ever to NEVER let this happen to me again. Of course I'll be disappointed by women in the future, but not as badly as this. No more opening up, no more trust, and God help the next woman who tries to discuss "future plans" with me. Men, they're not to be trusted, I don't care how long you've known them. They're not decisive, they notoriously go back on their decisions, they're amazing actors (they have the ability to convince you that you're their world one day, and then walk away from you the next day) and they simply don't know what they want. My dad always tells me that when you meet "the one" you'll know straight away....well, unitl I feel that feeling I'm being emotionally distant from any female who comes across my path from now on.

23AH

Turning a corner

2011-06-22T22:53:00.000+01:00

I slept like a baby for the first time in over a week last night, 10 hours! It was definitely much needed and went a long way to improving my mood. She's still in my dreams....That will pass in time, but at least the tears have stopped flowing. I believe I've turned a valuable corner in my road for recovery, I'm of course still hurting but I'm not yearning for her to return as much as before. I'm feeling like making changes to aid my recovery; Buying new clothes, I'm keeping the beard that I always shaved off for her and I'm finally going to look in to getting a tattoo I've always wanted. I'm officially moving on :)

I'm already learning things from this failed relationship that I'll remember for the rest of my life. In my previous posts I referred to my ex in not such glowing words, but in reality that was my fault. She treated me badly no doubt, but only because I let her get away with it. No one in this world should allow anyone to make them feel worthless or flawed. It is a sign of low self-esteem when you stay with someone who takes you for granted and doesn't appreciate you; Deep down you're scared that if you lose them that no one else with love you. Looking back I fell in to this category and because of it I put up with way more bullsh*t than I should have. You see, I've always been able to get female attention when I've really wanted it. I'm good looking, above average height, intelligent and I walk tall. I've picked up women from bars and clubs on too many occasions to count, you'd imagine that would feed a man's ego and make him super-confident but it never did for me. The fact of the matter was that the moment I liked a girl and I spent time with them outside of the bedroom and they got to me, things always went pear-shaped. Outside of sex and initial attraction, women have never wanted much more from me. Before my ex came along....She adored me and believed I was way too good for her. We walked together hand-in-hand and her pride could be seen through the whole of London. No girl has ever been that way with me, and I was scared sh*tless of her leaving me and me not being able to find another woman who saw these qualities in me. So every time she started acting up I'd tell myself "Put up with it, you won't find another girl who loves you as much as she does". Foolish, foolish man I was. There's nothing wrong with me, I've simply had bad luck with women (or maybe I've been looking in the wrong places). It's important that you never lose your self-worth in relationships; Go in to every single one of them knowing what you will and won't put up with, and don't bend for any reason! If she's a good person she'll look back when she's grown up at how she treated me and feel ashamed, and I'll always resent myself for allowing it to happen.

A flatmate recommended me signing up to a dating website to "have a browse at the talent" as a means of helping my recovery. I signed up for all of 30 minutes before shutting down my account, I'm no where near ready to even entertain a new woman. There's an old f*ck-buddy who text me with her condolences and basically saying if I need a no-strings-attached rebound she's happy to provide her services....lol, it made me chuckle for the first time in days! I'm going to be alright ladies and gentlemen :) I've made such progress today that I don't really want to go in to too much detail about my relationship with my ex, in fear of reverting back to being sad and moody. Have a good evening people, I'll have more for you tomorrow as always. Stay classy

23AH

The Call

2011-06-21T16:30:00.000+01:00

2 days after she ditched me and I believe the worst of the pain is over (I hope....). Don't get me wrong, I'm still miserable and bereft of confidence and self-esteem, but I can honestly say that I just feel numb now. Sunday and Monday saw me in a state you'd associate with a person who'd lost a family member, so much so that I'm exhausted at this point in time. She's made no further attempt to contact me and why would she? I mean nothing to her. I'm close to accepting that she's gone and that chapter in my life is over, but I can't fully let go right now. Through my blabbering in the other posts I haven't written down what actually happened, I'm hoping that writing it down will help me see her for what she really was. So here it goes......

Things with her had been perfect the whole of this year, arguments were non-existent and we declared our love for each other whenever we got a chance. Spoke for hours, saw each other every week and were eagerly making future plans. All this changed however on Thursday 2nd June; She had a free house for two weeks and insisted I go stay with her. The first 4 days were brilliant, but things quickly went down hill from there; She's not a morning person, but also gets moody in the evening when she's tired. At those times she was a pain to be around, but because I love her I didn't let it bother me too much. Then the moaning started.....this woman moans about every little thing! I couldn't do anything right, just a constant barrage of bitching. I remember walking into the living room in the morning with a bowl of cereal, sitting down and having 1 spoonful - She started complaining about the way I chew (I've since asked close friends and family if I chew annoyingly and they all say it's nonsense). I pick my battles in everything, I will never engage in confrontation over silly issues because it's a waste of my energy and time. So I let her have her moaning and bitching fits without kicking up a fuss back. It got to the point where I was counting the days until I could leave, I couldn't deal with any more bullshit. The night before I left (Saturday 11th June) we'd had a few drinks in the evening and I was honest with her; "This experience has been an eye-opener. You moan and complain about everything! But I love you no less" I said to her. "When I tell you off you don't do anything, and it ends up making me feel bad" she replied. She had a look on her face and tone in her voice that was off-key, I picked up on it at the time but put it down to her usual moodiness in the evening. So I left on Sunday 12th June, and so began her week of ignoring me and being cold.

Let me make things clear; She annoyed the hell out of me when I lived with her those 10 days, as I'm sure I annoyed her. But I didn't start questioning our relationship because of it! I just thought we started living with each other too soon.....She didn't see it that way, those 10 days killed us.....Correction, they killed me. "Living together showed that we really don't make a good couple", she said on the phone this past Sunday. I was rocked, felt like I'd been knifed in the chest. I couldn't disagree with her more, but the conviction in her voice was unwavering. "I think we're better than friends". Another knife wound. I reminded her that she came running back to me after her first ditching of me and assured me I'm her future. "I didn't want to go through life wondering what we would have been like together, I had to give us a proper try". 2 more knife wounds. She came back to me out of curiosity, I was like a damn experiment. All those confessions of love she gave to me (and she gave them at least twice as much as me) was bullsh*t. "I'm a b*tch, I warned you when we got together. And you're nice, too nice. You never told me off". More stabbings, I was breathing air but it felt like I was choking at that point. She used to tell me about the huge arguments she had with her ex which bordered violence, and how happy she didn't have that with me. Now all of a sudden it's a drawback. Women are a god-damn paradox, they don't know what the hell they want. "I just don't have the energy for a relationship, I'm not over my last one and it will be a long time before I am". She was literally rolling out the reasons at this point, within 5 minutes she destroyed me. I don't know where it came from but I lashed out, not in anger but more from giving her my honest opinion that I'd never told her:

"I know I'm not perfect, but I wear my heart on my sleeve - what you see is what you get, and people generally respect me for it. You take pride in being like an alpha male, tell it like it is, a straight-talker and all that....It's a front and it's bullsh*t. Deep down you're just an insecure little girl, and you deal with problems in life as such. I may not tell you off over silly sh*t, but I'm stronger than you."

It hurt her, I could tell. Surprisingly I got no satisfaction out of it, because it was a drop in the ocean compared to what she'd inflicted on me. The way she ended it with me is brutal, she basically said she didn't love me and she was just curious. She's one of those women who take kindness for weakness, and if her ex-boyfriend is what she believes to be a man then good luck to her: Yeah he's alpha but he's 30 working in a coffee shop, bailiffs are chasing him all over Kent for unpaid bills, has 2 kids from a prior relationship that he can barely support. In fact when she was with him she used to help take HIS kids out for food! He borrowed over £2000 from her, stole from her....the list goes on. That's who she compares men to? That's who is supposedly more of a man than me because he "told her off"? F*ck him and Motherf*ck her. She used to label me a misogynist....Well, if she's a reflection of what the modern day 23 year old woman is then F*ck them all as well.

Assessing what I just spewed out, I come to the conclusion that I was the complete opposite to her ex ("Duh!"). Because of this I was seen as a safe option (something many women take with us nice guys), Mr. Reliable who will help build their self-esteem and confidence back up. When they have both back, then they ditch us and go back to their beloved bad-boy alphas. I officially now have no sympathy for women who get hurt by these bad boys, in fact I hope it crushes all of them as much as I feel now. Maybe it will teach them something! I was always warned by my older brother that women only want men like us when they're 25+, when that biological clock of theirs starts ticking louder and they realise they're running out of time. No woman, I don't care if they're a model, will make me feel this worthless again! And when I eventually heal from this, I will show no remorse with any of them in future encounters. If they like bastard men, I'll be the biggest one since Lothario if that's what it takes to protect myself. Of course that's miles away, that requires confidence self-esteem and courage, all of which were crushed in me on June 19th. Until next time

23AH

And so it begins.....

2011-06-20T09:32:00.000+01:00

"Hey, I know you probably don't want to hear from me, but I was wondering if u wanted to meet in London this week to do swapsies? I've got your keys and you've got my dvds X"

That was the nail in the coffin, the floodgates opened and I cried for the first time in years. She is ready to move on and she doesn't even seem bothered. I guess I'm finding it hard to understand how her feelings changed for me so quickly....She couldn't have really loved me in the first place. The pain was bad yesterday, but today it is even worse knowing that she's never going to change her mind and come back to me. I replied telling her I'll mail her stuff back and to throw my stuff away, I can't see her right now.

What you need to understand is that this wasn't just a crush, she's been my best friend since I was 17 and was a big part of my life through every year. To suddenly have her yanked away from me like this feels like she's taken a huge part of me with her, I'm not even half the man I was before. We'd made future plans, she was meant to be the girl I marry and start a family with. I've just finished a Masters degree and the grades I've got have been some of the best of my academic career, and it's down to her. Whenever I felt lazy, I thought "This degree isn't just for me, its for my future with her. I have to do well for my career so I can support her and our future family". She believed in me and encouraged me all the way through this year, and now she's gone I'm completely disorientated. I just don't see the point in anything right now; she's out of my life and she's never coming back. You work hard all your life for a career and all the material things, but what is life all about? Our goal in life is to add to the gene-pool (at a primitive level), find a woman and fall in love then start a family. I'm failing at this aspect of life, making all my other achievements irrelevant. I know I'll find another woman eventually, but they won't be her....She was special, any other woman will be a step down.

Women think that men usually get over break-ups by going out drinking with their friends and finding a a rebound for a casual-sex encounter. That's nonsense; When a man truly loves the girl who leaves him, any thought of another woman makes them feel sick. I won't be going drinking, and as for women I'm taking a long hiatus from all of them. I doubt I'll ever fully trust another woman again, they've let me down too many times. As for casual-sex it seems pointless, once a man see's how beautiful a relationship is when the woman you love loves you back then meaningless sex with girls you don't care about simply is of no use.

My best friend insists on coming down to visit me this coming weekend, if anyone can help get me out of this slump it's him. We won't be going out to bars or clubs; It will be a night of films, playstation and plenty of whisky. I hope I can get myself together before then, because at the moment I can literally break down at any moment. If someone else was writing this blog and I was reading it I'd probably be thinking the same thing you are now; "God this guy is pathetic, be a man and stay strong!". People who have been through what I'm going through right now know that that's easier said than done, I wish I could be strong but I don't have the energy. One of the only things that this woman didn't cripple in me is my pride, and I haven't harassed her begging her to reconsider or anything. When she sent the text above I had already deleted her number, and will continue to do so for any future attempts to contact me. Any female that reads this: If you break a guy's heart, just leave him alone. Don't text him apologising or any of that, because it hurts him more. Time is a great healer, but it can't work it's magic if the culprit is still in the scene. This girl actually hopes that one day we can go back to being friends, what a silly request. She knows me better than anyone; Once someone hurts me and I get over the initial hurt, I become full of hate bitterness and resentment. There is no future for me and her at any level, I will never see this woman again I can guarantee this.

I knew she was going to end it and thought I'd adequately braced myself for the impact....lol, not even close. She'd been cold with me all last week, she didn't reply to one of my texts and we went from multiple calls a day to just one call late in the evening. Even then her voice was different; She didn't have the same excitement she usually had when she heard my voice, she stopped calling me "babe" or "darling", and she stopped saying "I love you" at the end of calls. If you really love someone then you'd think about what effect your actions have on your partner, she clearly didn't think about how being that way would hurt me. I respect her feelings and that this is what she wants, but I would have respected her more if she told me straight at the start of the week what she was feeling instead of making me feel like I did something wrong. "I needed time to think about if this was what I really wanted" she claims....everything's always about her!! Never mind about my feelings.....BITCH!!! Wow, I think I've just felt something......Anger......

23AH

P.s. I made the mistake of listening to this song right now and it almost made me slit my wrists. Guys who are in my position, do not click on this link!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A1kzG9Ld1kI

23 and Heartbroken.....

2011-06-19T21:19:00.000+01:00

I must be the biggest chump in the history of the male sex. She's ended it with me, for the 2^nd time in under a year. I have yet to cry but I know this is immanent; my heart has been beating irregularly since I got off the phone to her, as if in shell-shock. I hurt a girl once 5 years ago, and though I have been hurt since I believe I am now fully experiencing what she went through. Karma is a bitch, and I am feeling it's full force right now.

I love her, wholly and truly. I can honestly say I gave this relationship my best shot, I did everything in my power to please her but it was never enough. I was never Adrian; the scum who deflowered her and always had a bigger grip on her heart than me. “You're too nice” she said, basically that I'm not man enough for her. She's feisty and longs for an alpha male, and that's just not me. I opened up to this woman, laid myself bare, and I wasn't good enough. This has been the same scenario with every girl I've developed feelings for, my confidence as of this day is non-existent.

“plenty more fish in the sea” doesn't apply here – no other girl will do. I want her :( she's fallen out of love with me....I've lost her. I've got over girls in the past, developed the hatred and all that jazz, but I feel right now that I'll never fully get over this blow. It's hit me hard, too hard for me to bare. Why does every girl I fall for leave me? They stay for a while, before eventually seeing something they don't like and leaving. I'm completely crushed. I will grow to hate this girl one day, beyond belief. But that seems miles away right now.

I wrote this down today because I never want to forget how this woman has made me feel. I will never leave myself open like this to a woman, not even if Beyonce came knocking tomorrow. Good guys always finish last, and unfortunately I am a good guy. I dabbled in the casual-sex lifestyle before getting together with this woman, but I never had the heart for it and never will. But I clearly am not cut out for relationships, so I guess I'm in limbo. So here I am, 23 years old with a broken heart and no self-esteem. Where do I go from here? This blog is a way for me to release my pain anger and frustrations, and ultimately document my road to recovery. It seems like 100 miles long so I have plenty of time to ponder, might as well write it down. I'll detail the relationship in the coming posts, how beautiful it was and how dramatically it came crashing down. As for now I am off to drink alcohol and cry myself to sleep.

23AH