Twenty Four At Heart

My Mascara Vibrates And I Like It!

2009-07-10T00:05:00-07:00

Awhile back my daughter returned from the mall with a gift for me. She brought me some new mascara and she couldn't stop raving about how wonderful it was. She had tried it herself and then bought some for both of us. My daughter has eyelashes that make eye models jealous. I've never seen longer lashes on anyone in my life. They are also very dark and very lush. People flip out about her eyelashes everywhere she goes.

She didn't get her eyelashes from my side of the family. I have thin, blondish lashes and they need mascara to even be visible. When my daughter told me the price of the new mascara she bought, I thought it was ridiculous. Now that I've tried it, I think it's worth every penny.

Lancome, I just said nice things about your new product - would you like to send me some for free?

The mascara is called Oscillation.

The mascara is supposed to do all the wonderful things a good mascara does, and it's successful. The fun part, however, is that it vibrates when you put it on. The wand vibrates, that is.

Did I just write, "the wand vibrates?"

The vibration is supposed to separate the lashes so they don't all clump together. My lashes look pretty when I use it. Also? The vibration makes them happy! Let's just be honest, shall we? Vibration is fun. Women like things that vibrate.

OK, I'll be even more honest - I like things that vibrate.

I made the mistake of mentioning my delight over my vibrating mascara on Twitter yesterday. That sure got the Twitter Whores talking!

Vibrating mascara has a lot of dirty connotations.

Some women asked if they'd need to start buying batteries for their mascara in addition to their other toys. (No batteries necessary) One woman commented that only I could find a mascara that vibrated, "talk about multi-tasking!"

What type of reputation do I have? And why does it amuse me so much?

I was asked if the vibration caused black lines all over my face. (No) One reader cautioned me against "putting my eye out" with the vibrating wand. I've encountered vibrating wands before in my life and I can still see out of both eyes. That's all I'm going to say about that.

One reader asked if someone might end up doing a porn flick with a vibrating mascara sub-plot. I'll tell you one thing, there's nothing wrong with slipping the tube into a pocket when you're not using it on your eyes. Really, what's the harm? You can have beautiful eyelashes and a smile on your face.

One reader replied to me saying, "But 24, I don't need mascara there!" I nearly spit water out all over my laptop when I read that one.

Have I ever mentioned how funny all of you are? I love it!

Do you have a favorite beauty or health care product? Are any of them as *exciting* as vibrating mascara?

Sidelined With Swimmer's Ear

2009-07-09T00:05:00-07:00

First off - wow! Thanks for all the great reading suggestions yesterday. I used the Random Integer Generator to pick the winner. Congratulations to Dana Austin for Things My Girlfriend and I Have Argued About by Mil Millington! You won the $30 Amazon gift certificate. I will have it emailed to you as soon as you confirm for me the email address you wish it to be sent to.

Today I was going to tell you the story of how I (might have) really embarrassed myself while in Santa Barbara last weekend, but an illness has come up in our house and distracted me. I've been busy playing nurse and sneaking medication into food and things like that.

It seems there's always something going on at our house. Right now one of our family members has been sidelined with swimmer's ear and it's creating all sorts of problems.

He's been spending too much time in our pool and even though I warned him, he keeps insisting on diving in.

Every dive immerses him underwater and the result is a bad case of swimmer's ear. Our Golden Retriever, however, thinks he can fly and loves to practice.

For a four legged creature, he does pretty well in the flying department.

Well, until he lands and his flight becomes a dive.

While we were in Santa Barbara last weekend we boarded the dogs with our vet. The vet said there's been far too much of this going on lately:

It would be okay if he'd keep his head above water, but he loves to dive into the pool. Since we can't stop him from diving, the vet says we need to ground him from the pool until he recovers from swimmer's ear.

He took the news hard.

He feels like we're punishing him and can't understand what he's done wrong.

Your kidding yourself if you don't believe animals can pout.

It's been so beautiful lately, it's been really hard to keep him out of the water.

I came back from errands yesterday and he'd managed to sneak in a quick swim while I was gone. I caught him red-handed coming out of the pool.

I made him get out of the water and come in the house for the afternoon.

He didn't stop smiling for the rest of the day.

I am a Lover of Books

2009-07-08T00:05:00-07:00

Before I go all bookish on you today, I have to comment on how much I appreciate all the feedback yesterday. Infidelity, relationship issues, trust between friends ... they're all volatile topics. Readers had very strong feelings about yesterday's topic and those feelings came out in your comments and emails. If you didn't have a chance to read the comments yesterday, you might enjoy doing so today. Some of them were very enlightening. Some of them were very angry. Some of them made me laugh. Some of them also educated me on activities which take place at bachelor's parties.

The cover story of Time this week is, ironically, titled Unfaithfully Yours. Infidelity is an important topic and I'll come back to it again soon. For today, I'm going to move on to a lighter, happier, subject.

I love books.

I love my Kindle (electronic reader).

My regular readers already know about my love for the written word. Periodically I've asked you to submit lists of favorite books and bribed you to do so with prizes. It's something I love to do because I always come away with a lot of new ideas for good reads. I've found some wonderful books from suggestions left by readers. It's a win-win!

I like all sorts of books depending on the mood I'm in. A few of my favorites over the last few years are Water For Elephants by Sara Gruen, Pillars of the Earth (and the sequel World Without End) by Ken Follett, The Wednesday Sisters by Meg Waite Clayton, and Pretty in Plaid by my fellow blogger Jen Lancaster.

Oh, and if you want total raunchy romance (explicit) one of my readers recommended the Nauti series by Lora Leigh. I've only read one book from the series but I'm still fanning myself off. It's steamy stuff and not for the easily offended. Of course, if you were easily offended you wouldn't be here visiting me, would you?

All of that being said, I'm doing it again. I have to be on planes a lot over the next month and a half. When I'm on planes, or sitting in airports, I consume books at an amazing rate.

I'm offering up a $30 Amazon gift card to one reader today.

All you have to do to enter is leave a comment giving me the title of a book you've enjoyed.

I'd love to hear of good books you've read this summer, but the title of any book you've appreciated will do. It can be fiction, nonfiction ... it can even be a cookbook.

Each comment is worth one entry.

You may enter as many times as you wish. If you have five books to recommend, leaving five separate comments will get you five entries but listing them all in one comment only gets you one entry.

I will use a random number generator to pick one person from my comment section as the winner.

Comments must be left prior to 11:00 p.m. Pacific time tonight to be eligible. I will announce the contest winner tomorrow.

Good luck and thank you in advance for some great book suggestions!

A Bachelor Party Gone Too Far?

2009-07-07T00:05:00-07:00

I have an interesting story to share with you today and I'm curious as to what your opinion will be. It's sort of like the recent hit movie The Hangover, except completely different. I'm also wondering if my male and female readers will vary a lot in how they look at this situation.

This story is absolutely true. It's also very sensitive so I'm changing the names of everyone involved along with a few inconsequential details.

I have a friendly acquaintance with a woman named Tanya. Tanya was very excited to become engaged to her long time boyfriend, Dave, about six weeks ago. Tanya and Dave are about 30 years old and this will be a first marriage for both of them.

Dave has a friend named Mike. Mike got married three weeks ago to Dawn. The two couples hang out together a lot. They're at similar life stages.

Are you following this? Tanya and Dave just got engaged and Mike and Dawn just got married.

About a week ago Tanya used Dave's digital camera with Dave's permission. As she was reviewing the photos she took she found some very explicit photos Dave had taken at Mike's bachelor party. Strippers had been hired and from what Tanya saw things had gone too far. She was pissed.

Tanya confronted Dave and demanded he tell her "everything" that happened at Mike's bachelor party. Dave did. Dave even told her the part where he went looking for Mike, opened a bedroom door and found Mike having sex with one of the women hired as a stripper. A few nights prior to his marriage Mike had sex with a ~~whore~~ stripper at his bachelor's party.

Tanya was disgusted and dismayed by this information. She and Dave discussed it at length because she felt it was her duty to inform the unsuspecting Dawn of Mike's indiscretion. Dave was adamant that Tanya stay quiet and not disrupt the three week old marriage of his friend Mike.

By the way, Tanya and Dawn are friends but the primary friendship had always been between the two men.

About a week ago the two couples went out to dinner and a movie as a double date. During the course of the evening, Tanya found herself talking to Dawn as the two men were immersed in a discussion of sports. Tanya told Dawn her brand new husband of three weeks had paid a ~~whore~~ stripper to have sex at his bachelor's party.

Dawn waited to confront Mike until later that night when they got home. Mike lied to Dawn and told her he most definitely had not touched another woman since they began dating. Mike convinced Dawn that Dave and Tanya have set out to destroy their marriage for some unknown reason.

Dawn believes her new husband.

Dawn now hates Tanya for telling lies and trying to destroy her marriage. Mike now hates Dave for telling Tanya what happened and "causing" all these problems. The two couples are no longer speaking.

Dave is angry with Tanya for telling Dawn the details of the bachelor's party. He had forbidden her from sharing the information with Dawn when he disclosed it.

What do you think of this little soap opera? Who's right and who's wrong? Is it okay to have sex with a paid whore at a bachelor party since you aren't married yet? Is it okay to lie to your betrothed about it? Does it happen all the time at bachelor parties?

Should Dave have told Tanya? Should Tanya have kept her mouth shut? Was she doing the right thing by informing her friend what had happened? Would you want a friend to tell you if your wife/husband had sex with someone else just days before your wedding. (Men - reverse the situation - what if a male stripper came to your wife's bachelorette party and she paid him for "one last fling?")

I can't wait to hear everyone's thoughts!

A Glimpse of the 4th

2009-07-06T00:05:00-07:00

I went to Santa Barbara last Friday for the 4th of July weekend. It was beautiful there, as always. I really enjoyed myself. One of the highlights of my weekend was on Saturday afternoon when a baby sea lion swam right out of the ocean onto the sand in front of my towel. He was adorable!

In no time he had attracted a crowd. The lifeguards had to come protect him from the ~~idiots~~ people who think it's smart to pet wild animals and pose their babies next to them for pictures. (Seriously, what is wrong with people?) The lifeguards made a lot of rescues on the 4th, but saving this little guy was also a big priority.

The day started off well too. I had breakfast at The Shoreline Cafe which is one of my favorite places in Santa Barbara. There are plastic tables right in the sand on the beach. It's a nice place to drink my morning coffee, watch the dolphins swim and wait for the early morning beach fog to burn off.

By 10:00 a.m. the weather was beautiful. I took this photo from Stearn's Wharf looking back at the beach.

People set up on the beach early in the day and stayed through evening.

There were bands playing, vendors selling all sorts of food and crafts, and a festive atmosphere everywhere we turned.

Usually we stay on the beach for fireworks, but we decided to try something new this year. In the evening we moved a short distance to a neighborhood called The Mesa. There's a park on the bluff with beautiful views of the mountains and ocean. It was a great place to be as dusk fell.

The park was full of people having a great time.

These lucky people live right across the street with a full ocean (and firework) view. How awesome would it be to never need to leave your own balcony? This home is worth millions of dollars just based on its location alone.

A short while later darkness fell. We all know what happens once darkness falls on the 4th of July.

Fireworks!

** For those of you who asked about the wedding photo below - the sparklers didn't hurt. They never touched us at all. The photo was taken on our first and only try. I was thrilled when I saw how well it came out. **

Wishing You A Wonderful 4th of July

2009-07-03T00:05:00-07:00

I'm spending the weekend in Santa Barbara. Many of you know Santa Barbara is one of my favorite places to escape to whenever I get the chance. The 4th is a great day for my American readers. It's also a special day for Briefcase and I.

Yes, we got married on the 4th of July.

Wishing all of you a wonderful and safe weekend!

Random Shit

2009-07-02T00:05:00-07:00

I guess everyone is on vacation. My readership numbers are really high this week (thank you for visiting!) but comments are low. Of course, I haven't been writing real exciting comment worthy stuff. Nonetheless, I'm expecting low readership for the next few days due to the 4th of July holiday. In honor of no one reading, I'm just going to throw some randomness out into the blogosphere today.

First up ... Twitter. If you've followed me on twitter, please don't be shy. Make conversation, send me an @ message so I know you're there. It's hard for me to remember you're out there if I don't hear from you. If I haven't followed you back, again, please @ or DM me. I've got around 1,200 followers right now and it isn't that I don't WANT to talk to you - it's just hard to get to everybody if you aren't in my face. I love getting to know you so please don't be shy!

A woman who had a breast reduction told me she was glad her doc made her nipples smaller because they had previously been so big they were "like slices of bologna." Yes, I laughed my ass off.

I've heard from a lot of women who have gone through breast reduction surgery and I appreciate all of you for sharing your experiences with me. For some of you, your hyper-sensitive nipples eventually calmed down but others of you report still having them many years later.

Thank you to everyone who sent me bra recommendations. I plan to check into every single bra you told me about as soon as I can wear them again.

I've been into PT twice in the last week for visits. My first trip was last Saturday when I stopped in for about a half hour. The Torturer checked out how much I've regressed (a lot) and that was about it. During the week, he and I tried to negotiate my return. As in, he wanted me coming back RIGHT NOW BEFORE THERE'S ANY FURTHER REGRESSION and I was thinking I might come back ... NEVER. He set up appointments for me starting NOW.

My second trip into PT was to cancel the appointments he made me when he wasn't looking. He caught me in the act. I think he was actually expecting me. I said, "Oh shit!" and he rolled his eyes. The secretary pleaded not to get involved in our spat and a PT who works there begged me to disrobe and show her my boobs. All of that in just a short visit.

We ended up with a compromise, I suppose. I'll take another week-plus off PT and then return at my 5 week post-surgery date. In the meantime, I'm doing a few things at home to try and stop any further regression.

The nice ladies who work at PT? They told me I look like I've lost fifteen pounds. It made my ~~day~~ ~~week~~ ~~month~~ year. I probably did lose a few pounds because I barfed my brains out for a week, but I think it's mainly just the fact I'm no longer so top heavy. A big chest gives the appearance of a bigger body too. Whatever the reason, it made me feel great!

I went to a bridal shower that lasted over four hours and they served no alcohol. I also had to wear a dress. That's really all there is to say about that.

The people at my plastic surgeon's office want to read my blog and I won't tell them the name of it. They might find it anyway because everyone in the world seems to be finding me lately. I wish for the days when I was anonymous. When the office staff at the plastic surgeon's office does find me? I will regret writing about the thoughts which popped into my head as I was being examined. Very much so.

Especially the thought about the doc possibly tasting a nipple.

I went looking for an old wedding photo yesterday and I found a ton of photos from college. I mentioned this on Twitter and I was asked to post a photo of Big Weenie, my old college boyfriend. There were a lot of photos of him but to be honest, after nicknaming him Big Weenie, I don't feel I can share them. You'd all be checking out his package for one thing. (Not that I care because you're welcome to.) But also, he now reads 24 and it might inhibit him from ever commenting.

Not to mention, Briefcase probably wouldn't appreciate it either.

Here's a photo of me though. It was at my college graduation. I've cropped Big Weenie out of the photo. He had traveled from law school to attend my graduation. He had his arm around me and I was looking up at him. I was 21 years old.

Sorry it isn't a better quality photo.

If the wind blows my nipples get hard. Actually, they're always hard now. I'm thinking of inventing Nipple Tranquilizers. I could make a fortune and I certainly need them. One reader suggested I try the breast feeding nipple creams and I just might. The problem is I'd have to rub the cream in and ....

Famous Plastic Surgeons Can Be So Sensitive

2009-07-01T00:05:00-07:00

I was counting down the days and finally, yesterday, I had my three week check up with the plastic surgeon who did my breast reduction. The "recovery" is supposed to be six weeks but a whole lot of things get better at the three week point. I was anxious for my appointment all day, and typically, it fell at the very end of the day.

I might have been annoying at my appointment.

I didn't mean to be but I couldn't seem to help myself.

I realized later, I have trouble trusting doctors. I don't know why. It might have something to do with the fact that it took FIVE surgeries on my arm to get me out of debilitating, breathtaking, pain and into normal chronic pain. Not to mention, I'll never have full use of that very same arm which they performed FIVE surgeries on. The purpose of the breast reduction is also to help my arm/shoulder so really that makes SIX surgeries in three years all because of ONE car accident.

So maybe I have good reason to be a doctor skeptic.

(Also, have I ever told you the guy who ran the stop sign and hit me was an asshole? Oh yeah, I guess I did.)

I need to tell you up-front that I love my plastic surgeon. He's wonderful and kind and for Godsakes, he's been Chief of Plastic Surgery at a very well known Newport Beach hospital. I would recommend him to anyone.

Nonetheless, I felt I ought to tell him how to do his job yesterday. Because, of course, I have a medical degree in plastic surgery from Harvard due in the mail to me any day now. Don't I?

I might have pushed my doc just a *wee bit* towards the end of his patience level yesterday. Also, now that I think about it? I might have done similar things with my shoulder surgeon and The Torturer. But never mind ... they aren't the point of this story, are they?

While I waited for the doc I talked with one of the nurses. She was very friendly. I was astonished to hear she has a 23 year old son. I thought she was 23! Will the wonders of plastic surgery never cease to amaze me! My jaw fell to the floor when she told me her age. My doctor must actually be even better than I thought because the women who work for him, and partake of his expertise, all look fabulous. Astonishingly enough, they look youthful and good. (Unlike all the usual Plastic Barbies who walk around Orange County just looking plastic-ish.)

I can't get over it.

But again, that didn't stop me from telling the doc all I know about plastic surgery. He entered the room and closed the door. I chatted pleasantries with him for a few moments and then, as asked, I stood and removed my gown. Doc just sat on his little stool staring at my boobs, appraising them. I felt a little uncomfortable. It's unsettling to have a man sitting within inches of your breasts just staring at them.

I almost expected him to roll his doctor stool closer and take a taste or something. (I'm sorry, but I'm just being honest about the thoughts that were going through my mind.) I mean, there he was with his face right in front of my boobs. Don't you wonder if it crossed his mind?

I also wanted to ask him if I could plan on instant nipple-induced orgasms for the rest of my life or if it's just a temporary side effect. I decided I'd wait until my six week check up to ask the nipple-orgasm question. Maybe my nipples will be back to normal by then and I won't even have to ask.

Finally, he began removing the surgical tape. It was fine. It wasn't painful. I looked down at one breast and noticed redness near the incision site.

"It's infected," I advised the doctor.

"No, it's not," the doctor informed t~~he annoying patient~~ me. He then went on to note I'd had a small allergic reaction to the stitches themselves. Lucky me. Apparently it happens "once in awhile" and isn't a big deal. It caused a little redness, but the redness should disappear quickly.

There wasn't a mirror in the room, but I looked down at my breasts as he removed a few stitches. Most of the stitches were the dissolving kind, but he needed to cut a few out. He asked me to lift and hold my breasts as he worked.

All of a sudden I said, "Oh look! You made the left one bigger than the right one!"

Startled, he quickly answered, "I did not!"

He looked hurt at the very thought.

"Yes, you did!" I retorted.

This was the exact point where I could tell the doc found me a tad annoying. He pushed his chair back, he looked at my breasts, he took a deep breath and sighed.

Then ... then he used his doctor voice to discuss my "concern" with me. He was very nice, and he was very polite, and he was clearly delving into his well of patience to speak to me. He began clarifying for me that my left breast is more swollen than my right and that he did not make two different sized boobs for me.

"Look," he said, pointing to my ribs on the left side.

My ribs are visibly swollen on the left side of my body.

"Your left side is just taking longer to heal," he explained again. Then he added, "Your breasts came out great. Once they've finished healing you are going to be very, very, happy."

He seemed confident. He seemed assuring. To be honest, even right now - with my left boob swollen slightly bigger than my right they look terrific.

"I think I can wear a bra now," I blurted.

(At the same time I was wondering if they make lopsided bras. You know, in case I need a D cup for my left tit and a C cup for my right one.)

My doc tilted his head a little as he weighed my latest outburst and how best to deal with me.

"I know you're anxious to wear a real bra again," he stated.

"I don't think it would hurt, I'm sure my breasts are ready!" I enthusiastically informed him.

"Ready?" he asked. (As if I had just mentioned I had baked them at 350 degrees for an hour and they were now done cooking.)

"At six weeks the breast tissue will be 90% healed. They won't be ready for a real bra until then," he stated quite firmly.

Crestfallen, I nodded.

As he gave me a few more instructions he handed me a tube of Kelo-cote.

Kelo-cote is a gel which supposedly prevents scar formation and reduces the appearance of scars. I tucked it in my purse. My doc leaned forward and offered me his hand to shake. I almost gave him a hug, but I was afraid what reaction a hug might set off in my new bionic nipples. I figured at that point, he didn't need me adding any additional interesting moments to my visit.