2 Pink Lines

Wash Fold Repeat

2016-01-26T13:04:00.000-08:00

Here I sit, 5 days before Lily's 10th birthday, ready to sit down and write a blog post, and I find this unpublished post waiting in draft. I'm not sure why I never published it. Well I do know actually, it's brutally honest, and sometimes it's not easy to put that out to the world, thus why my posts are now years apart. But today, I am feeling brave enough to hit publish...

February 2013: I just got back from 3 days in Fort Saint John visiting my youngest sister who just had her first baby. This was the longest I've ever been away since Lily was born 7 years ago. The first day I thought I might go insane with boredom. Caring for a newborn is a lot of sitting around, something I don't get to do all that often. I didn't realize it at the time, but I was fighting what my body was doing naturally - relaxing! After the first full night sleep (still haven't slept through the night in 7 years) and my first sleep-in, my mind and body went ahhhhhhhhhh and I began to have the best time ever. I only had to think about me and my needs. It was so easy. If I was hungry, I ate. Dirty, I showered. Tired, I slept. And it was obviously great to spend so much time with my sister and see her in her new role as a Mumma. It was the most amount of time I've ever spent with a baby that wasn't my own. Not being the Mumma, I could just enjoy my niece fully without the anxiety and sleep deprivation that comes with newborns.

Me and my niece Hannah

I returned to my family well rested and reminded of the deep love I feel for my children. I saw through my sister's eyes the wonder of a new life just begun and revelled in her stories, not unlike my own way back when, of all the things we are going to do differently for our children. I was reminded of their innocence and pure heart, of their frailty and strength and of how it is my job to bring them up as respectable human beings full of love and confidence.

I held my own babies upon my return with all this relearned motherly wisdom and swore that I would try harder to be more patient and to look on them as I remember looking on them as newborns.

Day 1 was great. Family day - Dad home to share the load. Sunshine and playgrounds make everything easy. I laughed and laughed and soaked up their joy to the fullest. Success thought I - hurray!

Day 2 I go to work - my one day of work. I helped get them off to school and then helped get them to bed after work. Easy! Success. I am victorious thought I.

Oliver 3, Nadia 5, Lily 7

Day 3. Today. I sit here drinking wine while the revelations hit me. I am sunk. Yes they are wonderful innocent beings worthy of so much love and tolerance, thought I. But holy the fighting began, the yelling, the whining and my mind is no longer focused. I am lost to the loudness and craziness trying not to care about my messy house while chaos descends all around me. All that relaxation I experienced not 3 days ago - gone. I have reclaimed that ball of frustration and hopelessness that I swallow down into the pit of my stomach each and every day.

What can I conclude from this? I am happy on one hand to know that the real me is still there. That in the absence of my offspring I am still a sane and functioning person. But then am I also to conclude that it is indeed my children that drive me to exhaustion and insanity day in and day out. How can this continue to go on. How can now be so incredibly different from then. The "then" I am referring to being 7 years ago, when my first baby was all hope and dreams and unknown.

Sigh. Sigh. Sigh.

Time to go look at them when they are sleeping. That always erases the day and shines a beacon of hope on tomorrow...

Sigh.

Airplanes

2011-03-22T19:49:00.000-07:00

I worry on a daily basis that I might just be completely fucking my children up. Who doesn't right? I like to think that I'm not, but you just never know.

One thing that I've done since my youngest Lily was born, was sing to my children as a part of their night time routine. I have what my sister has lead me to believe is a fairly nice singing voice. It's sounds in key and in tune to me and so I sing, night after night with the hopes that perhaps I am passing on some musicality to my children and I hope that I am not in fact damaging them and actually singing out of key and out of tune and sending them off into their future thinking they know how to sing, when in fact, they are doomed to singing off key and out of tune for the rest of their lives thanks to their mother singing as such night after night.

I am of course being a little over dramatic here. I sing because I love to sing. I love to snuggle up close to my children and sing them to sleep. It is a closeness that resonates with us all. Even Devinder who feels he doesn't have a strong singing voice, sings to his children. And they love it. Always have. It can be the worst of days, fighting, screaming, whining and the lot, but at the end of it all, you snuggle up and start singing and all is forgotten.

I am sitting down typing this right after leaving Oliver's bedroom, where I just finished singing to him. Only, the difference between singing to a boy and singing to a girl child, is the songs you end up singing. Lily and Nadia never really complained about what songs I chose to sing. I don't think it ever occurred to them that they might be able to choose a play list for their parents to obligingly follow. But Oliver, is another story. Oliver is a boy. And after having 2 girls before having this one lovely boy, I can state for a fact that the differences between boys and girls begins very early on. The exact date I cannot recall, but I think it started around 14 months. Suddenly out of nowhere, and despite the total lack of boy toys, Oliver began to pick out from the little options we had, toys and or books that had any sort of wheels or balls in them. Everywhere we would go he was constantly drawing our attention to cars, trucks, minivans, buses, trains, airplanes etc. It took us a while, but once we caught on, suddenly we had books, toys and clothing with cars, trucks, trains, diggers and most importantly airplanes on them. Yes airplanes, it turns out, are a favourite of Oliver's.

All that back story has been leading back to singing before bed. As I mentioned, the girls never changed the set list we would sing them night after night. Perhaps they realised how solid a set list it was, what with classics like Hush Little Baby, Irene Goodnight and Baby Mine. But Oliver had no shame in demanding we change it up a little. He was fine with the tunes, but the words, they had to go. Tonight's shining example of a tired Mother's brilliant creativity at the end of a long day is to the tune of Twinkle Little Star and it goes a little something like this:

Airplane Airplane in the Sky
How I wish that I could fly
Up above the world so high
Like a diamond in the sky
Airplane airplane in the sky
How I wish that I could fly

And then he went to sleep, in my arms and without knowing it, was absorbing all my amazing songwriting talent that will not fuck him up and will in fact guide him in this world to be a better person, full of love and compassion and hopefully some musical genius too.

So goodnight my lovely boy. I love you and your love of airplanes with all my heart and a little wonder for the future that you might become a talented musician or perhaps an airplane pilot. Until then, sweet dreams...

My Beautiful Children

2011-03-20T09:50:00.000-07:00

Oliver is nearly 2!!!! Lily is 5!! And Nadia is 3 1/2!! Where oh where has the time gone...

Much Improved

2010-02-06T20:39:00.000-08:00

My dear cousins pointed out to me this evening that it has been nearly 3 months since my last post. I was quite shocked actually. I had honestly altogether forgotten that I even had a blog. Not that I don't have a million things floating around my head everyday that would suit just fine as blog topics. Mostly it is time, time is precious and no I don't have a lot of time these days and when I do have time I want to do lame things like curl up with a book or go to bed early or watch Californication.

But I can't leave you all hanging since the last blog was titled "Terrible."

Things are in fact not terrible. Things are much improved. How might you ask have they improved? Well...

...I managed to successfully wean Nadia down to just a morning feed and a night feed. And how did I do that? Well...

...I took some advice from my dad although I wasn't too happy with his advice giving at the time. In a nutshell he told me that I needed to take control and deal with it. The methods in which he might have used to solve my dilemma would have been drastically different so I fumed inwardly for days at his suggestion until a light bulb went off and I realised I didn't have to go about it his way, but I could still take his advice and good could come of it.

So I did what my dad suggested. I took control and dealt with it. I woke up one morning, I think it was a couple days after Christmas and I told Nadia that we would no longer be having boobie during the day. I told her that she was a big girl now and she didn't need boobie during the day because she ate food. I told her that I was feeling too tired breastfeeding her and Oliver all day. I told her I would be happy to breastfeed her in the morning when she woke up and at night before bed. Then I went to work which helped.

Just before it was time for me to come home from work I called Devinder to tell him to remind Nadia that when I got home she would not be having to boobie til it was night night time. There was crying when I got home and I told her it was okay to feel sad and I still loved her. I stayed strong. I distracted her with games, books, cuddles and tickles instead of doing the dishes, laundry and other household chores that took my attention away from her. By day 3 she stopped crying after I would say "no." After that she would still ask for boobie but when I would say "no" she would move onto some other activity.

And that was that.

Now my time with Nadia is awesome. Before, every second of the day she would want boobie and if I said no she would have a total screaming fit til I caved in. Now we have lovely days at home together where we cuddle up and she tells me stories and we talk and laugh and play together and I am not a slave to her boobie madness!

And that is how it went down.

And that is why things are much improved.

Next post hopefully sooner than later!

Terrible

2009-11-21T19:45:00.000-08:00

Wow, has it really been 3 months since I last updated? What can I say, life is hectic and crazy busy and my brain is pretty mushy by the time the kids are in bed.

For a while there I really believed that 3 children and a new business was no big deal. I really thought life was grand and we had everything under control. Then Nadia changed. Nadia turned 2 and we hardly even noticed the small creature that was growing inside her, lurking under her skin, waiting to attack!

I exaggerate, but seriously, they call them terrible for a reason. Suddenly life with the 3 amigos is not so chummy.

I think it hit me that things had changed when I one day realised that I yell - a lot - and I really don't like yelling. In fact it's not a form of parenting that I ever wanted to get into. I want to be patient. I want to figure out solutions to my children's problems in a calm and collected manner. I want to work with my children, listen to their ideas and teach them through my actions what is wrong and what is right. I never got into this whole parenting thing so I could yell at my offspring.

But sometimes, I just get that rage that builds up inside of me and it comes out in a rather loud ROOOAAAARRRR!! I scare them. I scare myself. I don't feel better after. Usually the problem I couldn't fix without yelling didn't magically fix itself with yelling added on. Then I hear Lily yelling at Nadia for something and I know that my behaviour as the adult, has taught Lily to act just like me.

Suddenly life with 3 is hard. Nadia won't listen. Nadia likes to bite and hit and pinch Lily and usually it's all 3 things on Lily's face. Lily screams at Nadia and in pain. I try to comfort Lily while sending Nadia to her room. Nadia picks her brother up. She drops him. He cries. I get upset. She hits me because I told her not to do something. I tell her not to hit me. She starts screaming and throws herself on the ground and has a fit. I try to comfort her and she hits me again. Then she hits Oliver. I get really upset and send her to her room. She won't go. I drag her there while Oliver and Lily are screaming and Nadia is still having a screaming fit. I feel stressed. I feel rage. I yell. Everyone is still screaming. Nothing is solved except now they are scared of me for yelling. Eventually everything stops and they carry on as if nothing happened, but I feel awful. And then it happens all over again 5 minutes later and repeats over and over again until I'm totally insane.

That's just one example.

Example number 2. Nadia has decided she wants boobie again ALL THE TIME! She was only nursing before and after her nap and once in the morning and once before bed at night. I was okay with this since I am still nursing Oliver full time. But them she went and changed the rules and now demands boobie all day long. I am sure this is a reaction to me going back to work 3 days a week, but I really don't want to be nursing 2 children full time. She won't be told no either. If I say no she screams and cries and has a fit and it doesn't end it just keeps going and going and going until she's so upset and I am so angry. I have given in now. I don't want to have these negative feeling towards her. If I continue to say no all the time then my whole day with her will be her screaming at me and me just hating being at home with her. Sometimes though I still have to say no. Sometimes I have to nurse Oliver or it is simply not a good time to nurse her. We still have fights over it and it's very frustrating and just plain annoying.

And there are many many more examples.

This is why I have not updated in a while. I do have positive things to say. There are good times. But my head is constantly filled with all this other dreadfully awful stuff that it just pours out of me. I worry all the time that I am not parenting well enough. I feel claustrophobic and often prefer going to work rather than staying home. I'm sure things will change. Nadia will grow up. Lily is a dream child at almost 4 years old. Oliver is the sweetest damn thing I have ever laid eyes on. Things will get easier I'm sure of it. But right now, I am in the thick of it and it's stressful.

Oh and in case you were wondering, I am so not having anymore children!

Nadia is 2!

2009-08-21T10:31:00.001-07:00

We celebrated Nadia's second birthday last week with a lovely potluck in the backyard. I can't believe she is 2 already! And what a 2 year old she is, smart, talkative, witty, playful and defiant. You tell that girl "no" and you will absolutely get a tantrum out of her. Ahhhh 2 year olds! At least I've been here before so I know how it goes and can just shrug it off most of the time. Luckily there is a lot more to this 2 year old. Like her amazing ability to hear airplanes and trains far off in the distance long before any of our older ears can hear them. Nadia is incredibly affectionate and if she could she would hug every kid, baby, animal or adult for as long as humanly possible. She loves her brother and tries to pick him up constantly, a bit of a worry if I have to leave the room for a second - but so far so good. She is an animal lover and is great friends with the many ants in our yard. Somehow she can pick them up without squishing them, play with them, talk to them and then let them go unharmed. Nadia is incredibly patient and willing to take the time to figure things out til she gets it right. She is fully in charge of what she wears and I am not really allowed to pick out her clothes. For the most part she comes out of her room looking alright, but occasionally I feel a little embarrassed leaving the house with her in her newest outfit of choice. But I love that she is expressing herself so wonderfully.

So Happy Birthday Nadia my love, you are amazing - keep up the good work!

3 Months!!!

2009-07-10T19:31:00.000-07:00

It's true, it's true, tomorrow Oliver will be 3 months old!! These past 3 months have been such a blur of activity that I can hardly remember any of it. Thankfully I have had my beautiful son attached to me the whole time and I feel like we are a pretty good team. I couldn't have asked for a better 3rd baby, a baby who has been so calm and confident through all the craziness of our new business. Oliver seems to know what I need right now, and mainly that is sleep. The boy sleeps better than me most nights and certainly waaaay better than his sisters ever did. Last night he slept for 7 straight hours and the norm is usually 6 straight hours. For a breastfed baby I believe that is pretty good, and considering my history of bad sleeping children I couldn't be happier!

As for Oliver himself, he is such a little sweetheart. He smiles at almost anyone or anything. He is starting to laugh too and I just love his early baby laugh. It looks like he will keep the blue eyes to match mine and Lily's and they are just the prettiest little eyes!

As for measurements he is 12lbs and 23" long. I looked up the girls measurements at 3 months and Lily was 10lbs 21" and Nadia was 11lbs 22" long. Interesting progression! He seems very long to me, his arms and his legs especially. He is getting chubby, but most of his gain is in length not girth.

I am totally in love with my little boy. Lily and Nadia are still quite enamored with him. In fact Nadia is so insistent on holding him all the time that she freaks out if she can't hold him. Lily just randomly gives him kisses and hugs and both of them like to feed him pretend food and read him books. My heart swells...

Potty Trained!

2009-06-20T19:39:00.000-07:00

YAY AND HURRAY AND YIPPEE!!

Nadia started potty training HERSELF about 2 months ago. Out of no where she decided she would start going pee on the potty. She'd whip off her own diaper and run to the potty. We encouraged her and found that when we let her hang out in the house with no diaper on she would almost always make it to the potty. As soon as we'd put on her diaper she would make it about 50% of the time. Just in the last couple weeks she started to go to the potty regardless of whether she was wearing a diaper or not, but she was still going poop every time in her diaper or if she didn't have one on she would make us put one on her so she could go poop in it.

But the last 3 days she has been accident free, leaving the house in underwear AND she is now successfully making it to the potty to make her poops EVERY TIME!!

I am so very proud of her and so very relieved to have less laundry and 2 children out of diapers!!

Thank you Nadia...

You've Certainly Got Your Hands Full!

2009-06-07T19:01:00.000-07:00

That is one of the most repeated comments when people see me with my 3 children. I just smile and say "yes" cause what else am I to say? It's true I do have my hands full, but the comment is also a whole pile of questions in one - are you okay? Are you happy? Are you crazy? And while I always just say "yes" because it's really what people want to hear, sometimes I would like to go into more detail about just how crazy it really is, but of course I've got my hands full so there isn't really a lot of time for details like that.

I think it really hit me about 2 weeks ago when the boy turned 6 weeks. Along with his baby acne came feelings I expected to feel a lot sooner but really hadn't yet. I suddenly came down from my high and finally had the thought "hey this is hard work!" I tried to ignore it and go back to that happy place, that place where I felt confident and excited and energetic. I do feel these things still, but there are many more negative thoughts as well.

I am finding myself more frustrated and quick to yell these days. Never at the sweet little Oliver baby because it occurred to me that he does less crying and whining than the girls do. Some days all I want to do is hang out with my boy in the calm and gentle manner of babies and yet I am constantly denied this precious time to go tend to some disaster in toddler land. I do suspect that the babymoon for the girls has worn off too, although they continue to wow me with their love for their brother. There are many cute moments in the day and there are plenty of happy fun times too. However the tantrums, outbursts and lack of listening has increased to a level I am not too sure I can handle.

I often look forward to going to work, something I am ashamed to admit. I know it is easier to go to work than to stay at home even if I am working with Oliver. Easier because I am not just cleaning up one mess after another. Easier because people at work talk to me in a language I can understand and they always say please and never yell and scream at me. Easier because I don't hear things like "Ahhhhhhh I can't get bite my own elbow ahhhhhhh" which is just one of the things a very tired Lily was screaming about this afternoon. I laughed of course, but she was seriously pissed off about not being able to accomplish this feat and it took a long time to calm her down and help her understand that it simply isn't possible to do that.

So yes, I do have my hands full these days, full of love but also full of googly gobbly little monkeys who try my patience and test their boundaries every chance they get.

Work

2009-05-15T19:21:00.000-07:00

I am no longer a stay at home mom. Well I guess I am a part time stay at home mom. I have been working in our juice bar 3 days a week since we opened 3 weeks ago. Oliver is our youngest employee as he comes to work with me in the office. I haven't worked in 3 1/2 years and my goodness it's exhausting. Then again, after working 3 days in a row and then being at home with the kids, it's debatable which job is more exhausting. Just different I guess. The great thing is that my husband is at home with the girls on the days that I am at work and when he goes to work I stay home. It's a fabulous arrangement and exactly the reason for buying the juice bar.

Even though their daddy is at home when I leave for work, it's still hard to walk out the door. Yet at the same time, I enjoy using my mushy brain at work and the camaraderie of staff and customers - people who talk without whining and don't need me to wipe their bums - it's a nice change of pace for me. Still, I find myself wanting to be at home when I am at work. Maybe I can finally understand how Devinder must have felt going to work all day and coming home to hear wonderful stories of all the great adventures we'd had that day. It's so great to know that your children and partner were having a great time while you were at work, but heartbreaking that you weren't there to share in it all.

Buying this business was a great decision and I love walking through the doors and knowing that it's mine. It's so nice to not have a boss anymore. I am working yet I am mothering my son at the same time. I am pretty sure no one else would have hired me with a newborn attached to the breast. Some days, or rather some hours in each day are a little bit frustrating and not entirely fair to poor Oliver. Trying to get work done with a screaming baby is not always the easiest thing to do. Typing one handed while breastfeeding and talking on the phone is not preferred over typing and talking on the phone while your baby sleeps peacefully in the cuddly wrap. I find that I loose my train of thought constantly and I'm sure it is taking me 10 times as long to get work done than it would if I did not have a baby tied to me.

We knew when this business was offered to us that the closing date would fall right around Oliver's due date, yet still we proceeded, convinced that although the first year would be difficult for me, for our family, in the end owning the juice bar would be the best thing ever. I am still convinced.

4 Weeks Old

2009-05-10T22:06:00.000-07:00

So much to say, so little time and one handed typing these days is more like no handed typing. So please enjoy these pictures of Oliver and his sisters who remain his biggest fans.

Oliver's Due Date

2009-04-23T19:22:00.001-07:00

Seems strange to think that I could still be pregnant. Oliver is only 12 days old but it's like he's always been here and I couldn't imagine life without him.

So do you like how I just slipped his name in there like that? Did you notice? We've been calling him Oliver for about a week now but only just decided tonight that we couldn't imagine calling him anything else so it is officially his name. Oliver has been on my list since I was pregnant with Lily. If it was a girl I wanted her to be named Lilian and if it was a boy, then Oliver. Our list had gotten a lot longer since Lily was born and it was hard to rule out all the other wonderful names we've both added to it over the years. But in the end, I just couldn't get Oliver out of my head and whenever I looked at him I just saw Oliver. Devinder also likes the name and agrees that it would be strange to call him anything other than Oliver now. Lily calls him Elevator and Nadia calls him Alwer or something like that. Still haven't 100% decided on a middle name, but we still have 18 more days to do that!

1 Week Old

2009-04-18T19:26:00.000-07:00

Well after one week I am still flying high. I keep waiting for the usual crash that comes about 3-5 days after I give birth, but it hasn't come yet and maybe it never will. It is a nice change from the slight depression that plagued me most of my pregnancy. I didn't tear so my bottom is pretty much healed and I've been going for walks every day and feeling fantastic and full of energy. I am tired too, underneath it all, but I am happy, really really happy. I am still quite elated and shocked that we have a boy. It's so taboo to admit that you really want one sex over the other, so taboo that I didn't even fully admit it to myself. But I must have really wanted a boy because I am just so excited to have one.

And what a boy! He is just so amazing. He is so calm and patient and quiet and beautiful. He lost a bit of weight while my milk was still coming in, but at today's weigh in he has nearly gained back his birth weight and is sitting at 5lbs 11oz. We have only had one really rough night and other than that he has been sleeping amazingly well. The past 2 nights in a row he has slept 6 hours straight, from 9:30pm to 3:30am. I have had to get up and pump around 1:30am because I am so horribly engorged. I love snuggling up to him all night long. Just knowing how fast they grow up is making me savour every little thing, especially since I have such a strong feeling that this is our last child. I didn't know I would feel this way, but I think now that we have a boy I am done. I have loved being pregnant and giving birth, and I love newborns, they are just so precious, but I think I am ready to move onto a new chapter in our lives.

The girls have been absolutely amazing during this transitional time. They are fascinated with their little brother and are eager to help change his diaper and fetch things for us. They love holding him and kissing him and so far there has been only one bout of jealousy. I was holding the boy and Nadia decided she wanted me all to herself and so she tried to push him off my lap. Other than that, she has been wonderful. Since my milk has come in she greatly looks forward to her nursing sessions before her nap and before bed at night. She has asked a few times to nurse during the day but hasn't freaked out about being told no while I feed her brother in front of her. So I am completely content with our nursing relationship, I am not overwhelmed with nursing 2 children because she only nurses twice a day. I am quite happy that she is still nursing, that we still have that bond and closeness together. Even Lily is getting some breast milk because I have been giving her the milk that I pump in the night. I am thrilled to be feeding all my babies right now.

As for his name, we have been using a name for the past 3-4 days, but we haven't officially committed yet. Rest assured that when we do, you all will know...

The birth of our son

2009-04-12T14:39:00.000-07:00

I cheated a little bit and got the midwife to get this labour going a little before it's time by doing a cervical sweep at Noon on Friday morning. You see, in and amoungst my Nettie's passing and funeral we are also in the process of buying a juice bar in Courtenay. The takeover date is May 1st and in the next coming weeks we have the most amount of work to do to prepare for the grand opening. If we had had any control over the timing of this business we would never have chosen the exact time our son was to be born. But I am certain that buying this juice bar is the right thing for our family so we just went with the flow.

These last couple weeks have been very stressful for me. I was unable to find space in my body and in my head to birth this baby. My body was on it's way to birthing this baby sometime next week, but then this lovely 4 day long Easter weekend presented itself to us and our midwife happily helped speed up the process.

After the sweep I tried desperately to not go into full on wait mode, just in case the cervical sweep didn't work. I was trying to just relax and enjoy our last day as a family of 4. We hung out in the yard and did some gardening and went for a walk through the woods. It was sunny out and it was indeed very relaxing. After the kid's went to bed we caught up on some old episodes of LOST and went to bed around 11:30pm. Had I known I would wake up just 1 1/2 hours later in labour, I would have gone to bed much earlier!

So yes around 1am I groggily realised that I was dreaming about having regular contractions and I woke up enough to start timing them. They were very regular and coming every 4-5 minutes. They weren't overly painful but they were more intense than any of the contractions I had been having prior to then. I timed them for about an hour and then woke Devinder up to announce I thought I was in labour. He exclaimed "I knew it!" and hopped out of bed and started getting the house and the birth pool ready. We decided to call the midwife since she had made it clear that she wanted to get here with plenty of time to set up her gear. Because our last 2 labours progressed from the 5 minute apart contractions to meeting our babies in lightning fast time, she thought she should come over right away even though it was 2:30am. I called my parents as well still with the thought that every body should get here quickly so they don't miss anything. Ohhhh hindsight...but we just didn't know at the time.

I hopped in the shower and Devinder continued to prepare our house for the birth. Deborah got here just after 3am and when she checked me I was 4cm dilated so she started to set up all her gear. My parents arrived around 3:30am and then Devinder's mom woke up and came upstairs. There was a party like atmosphere and it was quite a joyous and celebratory affair with me squatting and leaning on the couch every 5 minute to breathe through a contraction. This went on for about an hour when suddenly I started to feel pressure to perform and I just couldn't relax. My contractions were starting to dip in intensity and I quickly realised that I couldn't have a room full of people sitting around waiting for this labour to happen quickly like my previous labours. I got everyone to go downstairs and try to get some sleep and I sent Devinder to bed so at least one of us would have some sleep under their belt. I sat up with Deborah (the midwife) for a while and then we both agreed that perhaps I was just tired and should also go lie down.

So Deborah slept on the couch and I crawled into bed and slept in between contractions. In this weird hazy waking sleep I had 2 very significant dreams. In the first dream I heard a voice, maybe mine, maybe the baby's, say "Okay I'm ready now." In the second dream I heard my own voice exclaim "It's a boy, can you believe it, we actually had a boy!"

Then Nadia woke up around 6am, which is an hour early for her. So I went in and breastfed her hoping she would go back to sleep and also hoping the breastfeeding would stimulate some more contractions. At this point they were 5, then 6, then 8, then 5, then 10 minutes apart - all over the map and no longer regular. They were still intense, but not at all rhythmic. Nadia did not go back to sleep so Devinder got up with her and went downstairs so Deborah and I could try to keep sleeping. Lily woke up around 7am and I got up with her. The little bit of sleep that I did get was pretty good for me and I felt stronger and more ready to have a baby.

As I was going through the normal everyday routine of getting the girls dressed, making breakfast etc, my contractions started up again. I think because I was no longer thinking about them, instead I was just going on with my day like I do everyday. Instead of my mind trying to control my body and make it labour faster, my body was able to just do it's own thing with my mind happily distracted on my usual morning routine.

We had a really nice breakfast with my parents, Devinder's mom, Deborah and the girls. My contractions were back up to 5 minutes apart and it was fun having my dad timing them for me. After breakfast I had a few really intense contractions and it was suddenly very crampy and painful in between contractions. I announced that I thought I might like to go into the pool soon. But when we checked my dilation I was only just barely 6cm, making progress, but too soon to go into the pool in case it stopped labour altogether.

So I went for a nice walk through the woods with my mom. It was so good to be outside in the fresh air and to not just be waiting around the house for everything to happen. On the walk I was having contractions every 3-5 minutes. We went home so I could pee and Deborah checked my dilation. I was almost 7cm and definately making progress. So Devinder and Lily and I went for another walk through the woods and I continued to have strong contractions every 3-4 minutes. It was so nice to be outside and these walks were really the highlight of the whole labour. It was so sunny and warm out and just so nice to be walking and not just waiting.

When we got back to the house I felt a shift and my contractions really started to get intense and very regular. I think it was about 10am. I made some food and ate it quickly so I would have enough energy to finish the job. I was labouring on the living room floor in child's pose and Lily was helping to rub my back and stroke my hair. Having her there really helped keep me strong and her funny comments kept it all in perspective. It was finally time to get in the pool and Lily shouted out a big "hurray Mumma's going in the pool!"

The pool was a relief as I was pretty crampy even between contractions. I got out once to pee and the difference in pain was incredible, I don't know how woman have land births! My sister finally arrived and I think because I was waiting for her to get here I was not allowing my body to continue to open up. Once she was here my mind went "okay great, everything is in it's place I'm ready to do this." And do this I did. I went from the normal intense contraction which lasts about 1 minute with a nice 2 minute break before the next one, to one continuous contraction that did not stop until he was born. My body just shot open to 10cm and it was incredibly painful and fast. I was a lot more in my own body this time, barely able to speak or look around the room. I could hear people talking but I was so caught up in my own pain that I am not really sure what was going on.

At one point I had to chant affirmations to myself in my head so I could make it through. I kept saying "I can do this, this is what my body was made to do. I can do this, I have to do this, because nobody else can do it for me." Then I had to visualize the baby coming out and the pain ending otherwise I thought I was just going to give up altogether.

I was a lot more vocal this time than with Nadia and after a particularly loud contraction I looked up to see Lily in her Grammy's arms with a very worried look on her face. Because I was much more focused on my pain this time around I almost forgot that she was even there. I mustered enough energy to give her a smile and tell her that I was okay and that these are just the noises that mumma's make when they are breathing their babies out. She just looked at me and said "it's okay mumma I'm really proud of you." My heart melted and I felt strong again.

I was having a hard time breathing all the way deep down through my belly and out my bottom, but then once I realised that I was having a hard time doing this I found the strength and managed to do it. Once I was breathing properly I really felt like the end was near. My body was starting to push and I breathed right through my body and helped give a great big push and suddenly my waters broke. There was a couple of minutes of relief where the pressure was less and I was able to refuel with some carrot juice. Then my body started up again and I had maybe 3 more strong pushing contractions and then the head was out and then the body and then I was holding our new baby!

I think everyone, including myself was quite surprised when the head popped out. Not that I couldn't feel it, because holy crap yes I could feel it, but again I was comparing it to Nadia's birth and it took so much longer and so much more effort to get her head out. Silly me for thinking this birth would be anything like my past 2 births. This baby is unique in every way, so wouldn't the birth be? In fact this baby is so unique that there is a perfect little penis right where I thought I would see a vagina!! Deborah said she wished she could have got a picture of my face when I saw that it was a boy! My weird labour dream was right and I think I shouted out the exact same words "Oh my god it's a boy, can you believe it!!!"

So in hindsight I wish that we had not called in the troupes so early on, but we really were just so caught up in our past births instead of just going with the flow of this one. Having already had 2 births in no way made me an expert. Every one is different and special in it's own way. All in all I can't really complain about a thing. I had tremendous support and love all throughout. Devinder was as usual, a fabulous birth partner, Lily was incredible, just amazing to have there. Nadia wasn't at all into my labour pains and she hung out downstairs with her grandparents. She's still not quite sure what to make of the baby and has surprisingly been keeping her distance from him, occassionally kissing him but mostly just giving him funny looks. I am able to write this birth story only a day after it happened thanks to all the help Devinder and our family's have to give. The kids are out hunting for easter eggs at my parent's house today and Devinder and I have had most of the day to ourselves to bask in the amazing beauty of our son.

Our son, (I can't believe we have a son), is so calm and patient and quiet. He's still coughing up a bit of amniotic fluid but he's handling it like a real trouper. He latched on right away and is peeing a pooping like he's been doing it his whole life. He is small, 5lbs 12oz, but he is strong and healthy and very alert. We are still deciding on a name. I guess it goes to show just how much we really thought we were having another girl, because although we had a list of boy names that we like, we had not yet narrowed it down.

So there you have it, the birth of our wonderful son, born at 38 weeks 2 days, Saturday April 11, 2009 around noon in our birth pool at home. Welcome home little man...

Our son - name coming soon...

2009-04-11T22:04:00.000-07:00

Them old wives tales...

2009-04-11T02:14:00.000-07:00

Spin little ring, spin. Suspended from a thin string, the ritual performed at night within a circle of matrons. Round 'n round, close to the tummy, the girls closely huddled, squinting and laughing along with the mummy. It spins first one way, then the other. The ring never lies. The wedding band the truer test for the closer to the heart, the closer to the truth. Its a girl! But this turning was wrongly read. Its a boy! No really, its a boy! I have broken from the family's triptych tradition... Just past noon, our new babe rests with eyes wide open 'cross his mother's bosom. The family coos and clucks, but none the prouder than this dad for his wife.

Dear Lily and Nadia

2009-04-09T20:26:00.000-07:00

You are about to become a big sister for the first time Nadia and Lily for the second time. I am so excited for you and yet I am feeling a little sad that our time together will be changed forever. I know you are going to love being big sisters to this baby. I know you are going to be such big helpers, but I am sure there are going to be tough times too til we all settle into a new routine and the baby finally feels like it's always been here.

Nadia, I am the most concerned about you. On one hand, you are so full of love, you are gentle and kind and easy going. On the other hand, you are slightly possessive of me. Our nursing relationship has had to change quite dramatically due to my decreasing iron levels and although you have taken to the changes like a champ, I still know that deep down you wish you could be nursing full time. I hope you will understand when the baby comes and you see him/her nursing all the time that it is not favourtism and that I still love you as much as I've always loved you. I hope you won't take it personally and that you won't take it out on me or the baby. I also hope I am worrying for nothing - after all you are a very intelligent girl, so smart you blow my mind every single day with your brilliance.

Lily, it has been the most wonderful thing to have shared this pregnancy with you. You are so excited by every little kick and flutter and you yourself have been carrying around a belly full babies for the past 9 months. You have birthed them a few times already and I just love your enthusiasm for the whole process. You have been really into watching Nadia's birth video and some other birth videos from YouTube. I really hope that the timing of this birth works out so you can watch your little brother or sister being born. Of course if you don't want to you can always go downstairs and your Grandma and Grampa will take good care of you and bring you up to meet the baby after it is born.

Nadia if you are curious your Grandma can bring you upstairs to witness the birth as well. I do worry slightly that you will be freaked out or worried about me and want to climb into the pool with me. I know you will have lot's of helping hands to take care of you so if it's better for you to stay away and just let me do my thing then I hope you will understand.

Thank you to my wonderful daughters for making this such a magical experience. It is easy for me to forget the wonder of it all and to get caught up in the day to day exhaustion of growing a baby while raising two children. But you have kept it real for me and I really appreciate that. I can't wait to see you hold your new brother or sister for the first time. I can't wait to be a family of five...

38 Weeks

2009-04-08T19:13:00.000-07:00

I will be 38 weeks tomorrow and I don't think there is anyone out there more surprised than myself that I have made it this far. The odds have been stacked against me since the beginning. Either this baby just really likes keeping warm, or s/he knows that it has just been too crazy out here to come yet. I think this baby wants centre stage and is not going to come out til we can focus all our attention on him/her.

I feel anytime after today is a good time. We had my Nettie's funeral today and although it was hard, it feels good at the same time. Good to really feel like I've said goodbye properly. I will miss her for a very long time, perhaps even for the rest of my life. I had crazy thoughts of letting the midwives sweep my membranes at Monday's appointment so Nettie could meet our little bambino today, but I am certain that she is watching over us all and she is so much a part of me that she has already met this baby I am sure. I am glad that I just let nature take it's own course, because...

...I am starting to loose my mucus plug. The last 2 births happened 5-7 days after I first started to loose my plug. So quite possibly less than a week and although you can never really predict these things, I feel like it might even happen as soon as the weekend. We shall see if my prediction comes true or not...

At my midwife appointment on Monday I was 85% effaced and 2cm dilated. I feel like I am 100% effaced now, which must mean the baby is fully engaged and ready to go, because the head is practically bulging out. Such a pleasant image I know! I have a ton of downward pelvic pressure and I'm definitely walking like a cowgirl now. Yeee haw!

Sadness

2009-04-04T20:13:00.000-07:00

My Nettie died last night. She has been battling lung cancer for a while now. It's a horrible way to go, but thankfully she was surrounded by her children and husband when she took her last breath. She told me just a few days ago, before she lost the ability to speak at all, that she was hoping to meet this next baby of ours. Actually she said she was hoping to meet "her" and we all thought she might just hang on long enough to realise that dream. For a while I felt like I controlled the end of her life. If I could just keep this baby in there long enough then we could have that much more time with her. But I know she was really just trying to tell me that she was going soon.

There is relief in her passing, only because she is finally at peace and no longer in pain. When the catheter went in at the beginning of the week we all kind of accepted that she was never going to get out of her bed again. She had already stopped living at that point and her body was failing her at a rapid pace. I've never seen a dead person before and I was a little afraid for reasons I can't really explain. But she looked so beautiful and calm when I said goodbye to her this afternoon, so totally at peace and I breathed a sigh of relief.

I am too sad to have this baby right now. So full up with emotions of loss rather than excitement. We blew up the birth pool tonight and finished the last of the laundry. Our house is ready but I am not. I feel like once I can let all this sadness go, once I have found some order and meaning out of the chaos in my head, then this baby will come running to us and life will start anew.

37 Weeks

2009-04-02T08:30:00.000-07:00

We did it! Thank you baby for staying put long enough so we can have our homebirth. Now to get our home ready for your arrival. We made a long list of things to do, laundry, cleaning the pool, buying birth supplies etc...and my goodness it REALLY seems real now! Still having constant pelvic pressure and hip pain so the baby is still moving down and getting ready, but no steady or regular contractions yet so I really think we still have at least a week if not more. Of course this baby could come completely differently from the way Lily and Nadia came! They do like to keep us on our toes and always guessing. I am going to try to not go into wait mode and just enjoy this last bit of pregnancy. I am going to embrace each kick and jab and poke from the inside and treasure these last weeks of being a round beautiful glowing goddess...

36 Weeks 5 Days

2009-03-31T10:31:00.000-07:00

2 days to go til we are 37 weeks and I've no doubt we will make it there and beyond. I feel such relief! I so badly wanted to give Lily the opportunity to attend this birth and she probably wouldn't have been able to if we had to go to a hospital. Also I just really want her to see that a birth can be fun and relaxing and natural and I don't think a hospital birth would have got that message across as nicely as a home birth. She has been watching Nadia's birth video and a few select birth videos from YouTube and she is VERY into the whole birth process. She's even given birth a few times herself! I have to say that sharing this pregnancy with Lily who is waaay older than she was the last time she became a big sister, has been the best part about this pregnancy. Her face lights up and she squeals with delight whenever she feels the baby kicking. She really "gets" the magic and wonder that is growing new life and I am sure this baby is going to feel so welcomed and loved by it's sister's right away. S/he should feel right at home amoungst all the giggling voices, screaming and singing s/he has been listening to in utero for the past 9 months. I am quite excited for this baby to come home.

As for labour signs, at this point there aren't that many. The baby is slowly moving back down again and I am experiencing that lovely pelvic pressure and hip pain that accompanies that. My contractions are strong when I move around alot or pick the girls up too much, but nothing regular so I feel I've a ways to go still. The big joke here is that I'm going to have a really big baby this time - maybe even a 6 pounder!!! Well, we can always hope...

35 Week Midwife Appointment

2009-03-25T16:18:00.001-07:00

Sorry to leave you all in the dark. A number of people have contacted me wondering if I'd had our baby since I did not update you after my midwife appointment. Sorry to disappoint, but we have not had our baby yet - thankfully cause we still have 9 more days to go!!

The midwife appointment was very positive actually. The baby is still head down but it has rotated on it's head and is now kicking me out the left side instead of the right. This is good news because usually once the head is engaged then the baby is no longer able to rotate and as we all know, once it is engaged it is ready to come out. So it seems to have lifted up and decided to stay put a little longer, which I sort of guessed because the intense pelvic pressure I was experiencing has suddenly disappeared. I am still having a ton of contractions though, so I am still on modified bed rest, taking it easy as much as I can. They did not want to do a cervical check as they didn't want to disturb anything.

I have noticed that I have back to back contractions immediately after I breastfeed Nadia. I haven't given you the update on that for a while. I did wean her during the day and I am only breastfeeding her before her nap and before bed. The day weaning was difficult at first, but she adjusted remarkably well and rather quickly. She still likes to have her hand down my shirt as much as possible and she still asks for it, but when I say no, she no longer screams her bloody head off. It is because of this still rather intense attachment to breastfeeding that I have not quit entirely. I have not checked my iron levels recently, but I have been feeling a bit more energetic so I have decided that I am okay with our current breastfeeding relationship. As for the contractions that happen following breastfeeding, I will monitor it and if Devinder has to put her to bed for the next 9 days then that will be that.

So holding strong at 35 weeks 5 days...

35 Weeks

2009-03-23T21:31:00.001-07:00

Holding steady at 35 weeks 3 days. We have to make it another 11 days til we're 37 weeks. I am still having strong contractions and a lot of pelvic pressure but I am hopeful that we will make it, after all, we have been here before and both times we made it just fine. We have an appointment with the midwife tomorrow morning and we will find out if I have dilated more or if my cervix has thinned anymore. A lot of you wondered how it's possible to go on bed rest, even modified bed rest with 2 children. It certainly is difficult, but I am lucky that I have tremendous support from my family and friends, not to mention my husband. The biggest helping hand comes from his parents who are staying in the suite downstairs and are there for us whenever we need it. They are active participants in our children's lives, make us dinner and take over child duties as much as they can. We definately could not do this without them and we are forever grateful for their love. Thank you to all of you who have left such encouraging comments. It means a lot to have your support.

Onward we go...

Modified Bed Rest

2009-03-18T20:07:00.000-07:00

Well, the craziness has officially begun. I am 35 weeks tomorrow and I have been having insanely strong and crampy contractions since yesterday afternoon. I am even starting to slowly lose my mucus plug. My baby is trying to engage and the head is so far down I can't help but walk with an exaggerated waddle. It's very attractive! So far I am no more dilated than I was last week which was 2 1/2 cm and considered normal given this is my 3rd baby. My cervix is starting to thin, but is still long enough for now. I have been told to lay down as much as possible because everytime I move I have strong contractions. I really need to hang on for 2 more weeks so I will be 37 weeks and can have my home birth. Also, the hospital in town doesn't deal with preterm births, so I would have to leave town to have this baby. My midwife painted a grim tale of possibly needing to fly to Vancouver or even Seattle if there were no beds available on the island. Mostly I think she just wanted me to understand that 2 weeks of bed rest is waaaaaay easier and preferable to having this baby early. I agree 100%!

I feel frustrated and worried of course. I keep thinking it must all be in my head, that I can't possibly be going through this AGAIN! But then I stand up and have 3 contractions in a row and know that this is just how my babies like to come. My friend Rebecca said we are just too much fun and this baby can't wait to be a part of our exciting lives. She suggested that we try to be a little more borring!!

At the same time, I have this super excited feeling - holy cow we're going to have a baby and SOON! Just a little bit longer there wee one, just a little bit longer...

Weaning Nadia

2009-03-02T19:26:00.000-08:00

After 32 weeks of being totally unsure about whether or not to wean Nadia before this next baby arrives, I have finally made the decision to go ahead and wean her. It has almost everything to do with my low iron and constant tiredness. I remember how totally drained I was when I was nursing both Lily and Nadia, I don't think I can handle nursing 2 children again. It's unfortunate, because I really do believe in child led weaning and I worry constantly that I am damaging her emotionally. On the other hand, I know that she is eating a healthy well balanced diet and doesn't necessarily need the boobie for nourishment. She will be just fine. I just feel like I am breaking her heart and I am feeling the loss of that bond already.

It's only been 3 days, but so far she is handling it like a champ. I had already night weaned her at the beginning of this pregnancy so I just need to cut out the daytime feeds and the feeds before bed. I have not given her any boobie during the day for the past 3 days and instead offered her water, food, a book, a tickle or some other close activity which distracts her from wanting the boobie. A cuddle is hard to aquire from her in place of it because she just keeps moving in for the kill. I know from weaning Lily that there is a bit of an adjustment period and eventually we will be able to cuddle without her pulling at my shirt and twisting her body into the nursing position. The most important thing right now is to stick with it 100% because the wavering will only make it harder on both of us. My goal is to have her weaned long before this baby arrives so she will not be incredibly jealous and heartbroken watching the new baby nurse day and night. I certainly wouldn't want her to take out her emotions on the baby, or on me for that matter.

I will keep you "abreast" of the situation as we continue further along this murky and emotional path.