2 Steps 4ward

40 Acts - Gratitide

2014-03-05T23:08:00.000+00:00

It is Lent - and instead of giving anything up for Lent I am taking something on - 40 Acts of Stewardship ( 40 acts of kindness).

Nowadays there are quite a few "act of kindness" movements - Suspended Coffees, Pay it Forward, Random Acts of Kindness, Action for Happiness etc. etc..I follow a couple of these and am always in awe of those who show their compassion to others in such lovely ways.

But I get stuck ........ I am not very BIG on ideas ..... I am happy to carry something out - check the feasibility of someone else's idea or write about anything and everything if someone gives me something to write about - but I am just NOT that creative in that way.

So today's start for 40 acts was to create a journal (errr - have been doing that for years LOL) but also to begin Lent with a gratitude list - to say what things I am thankful for today and to start a wish list for those people I would like to bless through this period of Lent and 40 Acts.

Now this should be incredibly easy for me - as I have mentioned before - I have SO many people to be grateful to, such a lot of gratitude for those in my life and so much to be thankful for .......... but actually - where do I start ???

It posed a problem - if I publicised a "list" I would be in dread of missing someone vital out - and believe me I would hate to do that because those who stood by me through various stuff in my life (not just Mark's death) really deserve that thanks.

Also ..... there are so many people who have come into my life after Mark's death who I would be convinced would be just as supportive ....and are ...... in any tough circumstances.

So .... THANKS ...... to you all ..... for being part of my life, family and friends, through various trials and tribulations ....and I hope I have been a good friend/family member for you guys too ..... but at least know I am thinking of you all for Lent and bless you all xx

The Wedding Shop Window .....

2014-02-16T17:46:00.000+00:00

Today is the first weekend I have had this year where I am not rushing around slightly manically, getting organised with various things for events/occasions that are happening in 2014.

As some who are Facebook friends will know - this year is pretty full of several BIG events. Christenings, weddings, BIG birthdays etc., and also a few weekends that Greg and I had planned away.

We should have been in Cornwall this weekend but, due to the inclement weather, we decided not to go. So I find myself with a long weekend and have been making the most of it ....... but equally reflecting on the things still needed to be done for the MAIN event for my family this year ...... Gina's wedding.

We need to get the dress adjusted, we have it - and it is beautiful - we just need to check the fitting ........... does the veil go with it OK, have we got the "something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue" ..... and then my mind wandered back to the old Wedding Shop in Tavistock Street, Bedford, over 25 years ago ...................

Our second home was the "New Inn" pub, I could walk in alone and be assured of a welcome grin, chat and often a drink provided by our very own group of guys who resembled the "Cheers" group. DJW and the B was always there, Dave, Trevor, several names I have long forgotten - and the landlord and landlady - Brian and Gill.

We (Mark, me, Steve and Nikki) were friends with Brian and Gill's daughter, Jayne and, with her boyfriend (whose name escapes me), Dave, Vicky, Caroline and Phil, Mick and Sharon, we formed a group that often went on pub crawls (the girls separated from the boys meeting up at the end of a night) and just generally doing what 18 - 21 year olds should be doing ..... having a blast !!!

At the end of one of our nights, we decided to all head off to Mick and Sharon's to carry on the party. We were actually not that drunk on this occasion and someone (probably Steve) challenged the others to a piggy back race .... yes ......seriously ..... a piggy back race !

I jumped onto Mark's back and thought we would have it licked, as Mark was stronger than he looked and I was only about 7 stone in those days !

In fact - we DID have it licked - we were in the lead - and then Steve decided that he was gonna "take us down" .......... and literally did exactly that - bashed right into us with Nikki on his back.

The force pushed both Mark and I straight into the Wedding Shop window ........ the glass smashed in and we fell into the shop display ...........

Now at that point I was really not thinking straight - I had a few drinks inside me anyway but, as I was giggling and being pulled out of the window by Nikki and Jayne, I had not realised the gravity of the situation.

Thankfully, someone else had (probably Steve) because as I turned round Steve grabbed Mark and pulled him out of the window - just as a precarious shard of glass fell from the top of the window ... smashing to where Mark had just been laying!

That was the first part .........

Then, as alarms started going off and sirens could be heard, it became obvious to all the others that ......we should RUN !!!

Nope - not me - I was a tad naive ...

"It's OK - we'll just explain what happened, I'm sure they will understand ........" I was adamant this was the "right" thing to do !

As I stood there waiting to explain this to the Police the others started running and thankfully Nikki grabbed me and just shouted RUN in my ear !

Of course now I know that life is not that simple and we would have been charged with drunk and disorderly at the very least, probably criminal damage and/or any other thing they could pin on us (Nope - we did not take any of the wedding dresses LOL)

So we ran .......... and as the sirens got closer and closer, we ran to the multi-storey car park ..... and scattered.

Looking back it must have been like a Benny Hill clip. Running to each concrete pillar to hide and then within a few seconds running to the next one as the police cars (yes I think there were at least 2 of them) chased us into the car park.

The girls all joined up in the ladies loo at some point (where I discovered that I had cut my hand on the glass) and stayed quietly for some time - trying hard not to giggle at our situation.

Then - after a while and not hearing any car engines, so being fairly sure the police had gone ....we heard a shout ... and an echo ...

"U OK?" - from somewhere on floor 3

"Yeah - think have they gone" - from the left side of floor 2

"Where are you" - from the right side of floor 1.......and so it continued - disjointed voices echoing through the car park at midnight ....

That was it - the girls collapsed in fits of giggles as the boys re-grouped from their distant, various hideouts !

It was fun. And kind of naive, innocent fun too. The sort of thing that kids can't do these days as the town is heaving with people, Security, Bouncers and Police on any night, even after midnight as there is no "11 o'clock closing time" ... and pubs just aren't the same in town any more.

Yes ... the Wedding Shop survived - they boarded it up but pretty quickly had a new window fitted and none of the dresses in the display had been damaged as they were still there the next week.

But we all have a story to tell ..... and nights like that strengthen a friendship and allow us to occasionally reminisce - about those glory days .......

Elizabeth Bennett

2013-11-20T20:51:00.002+00:00

I now have a new job - well at least I will do, when it starts in January. I am thrilled, excited and a little daunted by the prospect of starting again ! However this organisation is a charity and one with a cause close to my heart, so I am sure I will love it !

The interesting thing about the interview though, was a brilliant question the panel posed.

"If you could be a fictional character - who would you be ?"

Now this stumped me for a few seconds and apparently, equally stumped some of the other candidates too.

You can prepare all you like for an interview - everyone rehearses the usual "What would you say are your strengths/weaknesses?" This however, was a question you could not really rehearse - it HAD to come from the heart and I am so glad I was asked it.

I paused for a few seconds and all sorts of characters came into my head - mostly dominated by Disney characters and even (for goodness sake) Sofia the First - all courtesy of my grandchildren's viewing habits !

However, I gathered my thoughts and then announced that of course - this was actually a fairly easy one to answer.

Since I first read Pride and Prejudice at school, it has been and always will be... my friend (Star Trek reference there) It is the only book that I have read over and over and over again - at least a dozen times - and I really do not tire of it! When I am having a "bad" patch I will often drag it out of my bedside cabinet (the ONLY book in there) and re-read a chapter or 2. OR, if I have the time, I indulge in the whole book. It is such an easy read too - filled with a sense of fun and yet a wonderful, romantic story. I am such a fan, I recently visited Jane Austen's house in Chawton.

I have watched the TV series, more than once and of course the 2005 film (although that did not quite do it justice) but I did buy the DVD and have seen that more than once too.

Elizabeth Bennett is the character I chose. Intelligent, spirited, yet bound by the propriety of the time. Jane Austen's heroine has all the qualities I wish I had - and perhaps strive to have - integrity, a clear analytical mind, observant of social interactions going on around her and yet still, with a great sense humour and of family loyalty.

No, sadly, I do not possess all of these qualities - but am more than happy to wish that I was Elizabeth Bennett - and lets face it - she bags the hero at the end !

But even more so because, it probably helped in clinching the job!

In the interview, 2 of the panel laughed - and agreed with me that both of them had also chosen Elizabeth Bennett, as the fictional character they would most like to be !

What a testament to a great writer !!!

Tucked safely in my heart

2013-10-28T20:01:00.000+00:00

Well I think that is the longest break I have had from posting between blogs ....... I do have a few excuses - birthdays, changes to my job, meaning I am job hunting (AGAIN!) and that we have been away to sunny Menorca for a well deserved and wonderful break.

So I do apologise and will get back into the swing of things (with a lighter tone as well) now.

Having started writing about some of my darker moments, actually reminds me of how lucky I am now .... it is a cliché, but so true, that it is in these moments of despair you realise just how blessed you are with family and friends.

Then you are able to take comfort when you come out the other side and appreciate things. Most of us, at some point, are able to reach that acceptance ..... and learn to live, laugh and love again ....

Denial

2013-09-18T18:04:00.000+01:00

Everyone grieves differently - but it is widely acknowledged that there are 5 stages that run as a common thread to those recently bereaved. These 5 stages are;

Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance

Not everyone will experience all of these or even, on each occasion of individual grief - you have different people within your life who will die at different stages of their lives, causing you to grieve differently for them !

Also, many will experience these stages in different orders and some stages may come back more than once, to hit you sometimes years after that beloved person has died.

I did not fully discover the theoretical impact of grief until I finished my degree, 17 years after Mark had died ..... and then, many, many things began to make sense and fell into place !

I know now, for me, that those first few days were dominated by denial, but this is so difficult to explain. Of course I knew the facts - I knew he was dead and not coming back so it wasn't a concious denial. However, as I mentioned in a previous post, it is almost as if the brain is protecting the heart ..... allowing only a slip of information through at a time, so that it doesn't all hit you at once.

This denial holds you in a bubble - a hazy world, where everything is happening around you and even with you ..... but you don't feel connected.

Some of the practical processes of bereavement help deal with it, in a drip-feed manner.

I was in denial - yet I cried a lot ..... I was in denial - yet I phoned all the friends and family to tell them the news.

That Thursday morning was so hard - but I was on automatic pilot - someone (most likely my Mum) had stated that "we will have to let other people know" ... Mark's friends and mine, wider family members and those who had worked with Mark.

So I picked up the phone and just started dialling ...... number after number ..... friend after friend.

I have a HUGE apology to make here because in fact, I had no sense of time or place. I had no realisation of the impact the news would have on our friends and family and was literally just phoning many of them ...even those who were at work ......what an awful thing to do ...... dropping that bombshell on someone when they are working - but that is Denial - not really thinking it through - just acting automatically.

On calling one friend (the one who's birthday it had been on the Wednesday), she immediately came over with her partner and took the children to the park, allowing me the time to do the rest of the phone calls - she recognised that this was not something you can do with a 4 year old and 2 year old running around .......... and that was the how my wonderful friends and family progressed and acted throughout the next few years - maybe not everyone thought they knew what to say or do but they all just instinctively did what was needed at the time!

Yet this practical aspect of ringing round was part of the drip-feed process - of repeating the same statement ...... getting the horror of what has just happened through to me.

Another practical aspect is identifying the body. I actually cannot remember even being asked to identify him and I think perhaps the police thought it best if I didn't because I was young, with 3 little ones, and probably looked a bit fragile. OR maybe I was asked and just blanked this from my thoughts/memory, as not being able to cope with this part of the process

Mark's Dad identified him and for several years afterwards I yo-yo'd between being angry that it wasn't me, upset that someone else had done this and grateful that I didn't have to do it. I am settled now on the grateful part and realise how hard this must have been for his Dad.

So, without having to identify the body and leave the flat, Mum and I spent the day cocooned - in our bubble world - in a state of shock and also limbo ..... I could not think further than the next 15 minutes and I don't think Mum could either !

The drip feeding continued throughout the day - seeing the crash reported on the news and a tiny article ("hold the press" - with very little information at this point) in the local paper.

Denial - being faced with a fact that is too uncomfortable to accept so you reject it instead, not wanting to believe it - despite the overwhelming evidence.

That was me - not wanting to even begin to believe it - because then it would be true ..... and Mark would be dead and I would actually have to start to deal with that.

That Night

2013-08-30T11:45:00.000+01:00

To go back to my post "This Day" ...... I will continue where I left off.

WPC Richards suggested I call someone to sit with me. Of course that was my Mum and Dad ... I called Dad and think I even apologised for the lateness of the call (I was still not accepting what had happened) Mum and Dad were hosting an Extraordinary Events Committee Meeting (a Church Group that organised fund raisers) so the Vicar was with them.

I can't recall how I told my Dad, what I actually said .... but I was still calm - actually still being quite brilliant with Jess - because of course my brain was protecting my heart ...... I was most definitely numb.

Then Mum, Dad, the Vicar and my brother and his fiancée arrived. There was a lot of discussion, soul searching, condolences and comforting. I was still doing OK ...I cried even ..... but the brain really is remarkable in providing this cushioning effect .......

However, the body isn't as efficient ..... oh no ... there was no fooling my internal processes .... after about half an hour when everyone but my Mum had gone ....... I exploded - literally !

I purged myself completely .... both ends (too much information?)

I could not stop throwing up ...... not your normal, everyday sickness but just constant and violently emptying my stomach until I was heaving with nothing coming out - as I said before, that "punch to the stomach feeling" was real - I am sure there is a medical term for it and it is related to shock but needless to say - I WAS a complete mess - my stomach was reacting !!!

My Mum took over and was the heroine of the night (and many days and nights afterwards) She was obviously concerned for me because she had seen me sick many times before but not like this ... I cannot describe how different this was ... but she knew it was, so called the doctor for out of hours help .... but no-one was available

I was actually quite glad about that later on because it would have been too easy to take a pill and forget ... and that's how addiction can start !

So she took over with Jess - she sorted out Daniel (who had his jabs Wednesday morning so was having a bad night) - she left me in the bathroom a sobbing, heaving wreck, as she could do nothing for me but place a duvet over me to keep me warm

She did all this, while dealing with her own shock and grief for Mark's death. While being seriously worried for her daughter and while being concerned for her grandchildren. She calmed Jessica to sleep and was just an absolute rock !

I don't remember much more about that night - I do recall telling myself over and over again like a mantra that he would not have felt any pain because it was instant - that there was no point in getting angry (one of those 5 stages of grief you go through) and that I had to cling on to my memory of the day - those moments I mentioned in my "This Day" blog - as they would be so important to me to remember how he was and how happy we actually were ...... on that last day.

I did sleep eventually - I really don't know how and it all became a blur ----- I think at one point I did end up downstairs with Jessica..... but I cannot even remember waking up as such ..... I just "came to" on the bathroom floor ...with a duvet wrapped around me.

As I woke ...... I heard Mum ........... downstairs sorting the kids out - getting breakfast - and giving the best sort of support possible - letting me get on with it but being there to guide, advise, prompt and be practical with the kids. Keeping everything as normal as possible for them - so we could brace ourselves for the long, hard road ahead.

Health Warning

2013-08-24T11:14:00.000+01:00

My last post prompted several comments on facebook. All were lovely, supportive and caring. Most of them actually made me cry, feeling blessed to have such good friends and family.

One friend in particular mentioned that she had read the blog at work and it had bought a tear to her eye. That prompted me to state I should put up a "Health Warning" before my next few posts ...... as I do intend to continue with the immediate aftermath of the impact of Mark's death ..... not just on me and the children ..... but on others who took that journey of grief.

Now ... part of this warning is to say to everyone whom I love ....DO NOT WORRY ABOUT ME!

I am fine ...... I am not wallowing, not looking for sympathy, not unduly sad. In fact - it is precisely because I AM OK .... that I can now write this.

I had always intended to write at some point about the experience .... awful as it was/is. I wrote my diary during the grieving process and had done this partly to express myself in a cathartic way and also to pass on the experience. This is not a new experience - even at school, there was a girl in the year above me who's Mum died when she was 5 - and my best friend for several years - Debbie - had an older and younger sister who were around the same age as my children, when their Dad died

However, in my case, to get a perspective ... you need to understand that this was 20 years ago.

There was no Road Victims Trust, no Victim Support, no CHUMS (Child Bereavement Service), no Widowed and Young, AND NO INTERNET. Even mobile phones were still referred to as car phones and, at the time of the accident, only one of the 6 people travelling with Mark had a car-phone! So my grief and that of those around me was quite insular - we could not "look up" the 5 stages of grief on the internet to see if what/how we were feeling was "normal" (NOT that there is a "normal" process to grief).

I did at one point call Bedford CRUISE bereavement care ......... they were unable to help ...... not that I could blame them ....they were a community of older widows supporting each other with coffee mornings and events relating to those of retirement age. They sent a lovely lady who must have been around 70 to sit with me one morning ....... she chatted with me about some of the feelings I may come to experience but, after about half an hour with the children running around us, she said "I am so sorry my love ..... I just don't have the words to say to help you and your children"

So that was that !

Nowadays I could join some of the support groups like WaY (Widowed and Young) or ask CHUMS for advice or guidance with the children ...or generally just do a Google search and I am sure I would find some online source of help or information. NOT that this lessens any of the grief. I would still be distraught. BUT what it perhaps would have done would have been to have relieved those who were "caring" for us.

One of the best healers is talking. Talking it through out loud. Talking about the event. Talking about how unfair it all is. Talking about your anger. Talking about how you are going to cope.

Thankfully I had such fantastic family and friends they were all there for me, but others may not be in that position and the new groups I mentioned can be of some help. .

Another healer is humour ..... yes even in grief .... humour really can release the stress ...... and again ... I had the sort of friends and family that found humour in the weirdest places and the strangest things that kept us all sane (like my Granny being so angry she wanted to kick a cat ...and no ...she would not have actually done it ...it was just the way my Mum told me that had us in stitches!).

The children also need to simply continue with as much "normality" as possible - and again - friends and family would take them to the park, take them out for a day trip or just keep them occupied for me while I did some of the awful paperwork or bureaucratic stuff that comes with the death of a spouse.

So ... like I say .... the next 3, 4 maybe 5 posts will be about Mark and that fateful day.

It has clouded my life but it has not kept the sunshine away .......... I am happily re-married (although Greg frequently drives me nuts but he says that's his job !) I am negotiating the new path of being a Nana and nearly empty nester (as some of my blogs note) and let's face it - most people's lives have equally been clouded with some event that has caused distress and pain - divorce, the death of parents, illness, money worries, job security worries.

We all have our crosses to bear and I am glad that I was able to bear this cross, with all the support I had ... because if not ..... I would not have been the one married to Mark ..... and having our children and the 10 years I had with him ...... were worth it all.

This day .......

2013-08-21T11:29:00.001+01:00

Today is the Wednesday before the August Bank Holiday. 20 years ago this date was the 25th August. My life was very different then .... as I'm sure many of my readers lives were .... 20 years is a long time.

We lived in a 1 bedroomed flat, an old Victorian home with old sash windows ... so old you could stick your finger through the gaps. In the Winter the wind howled through and it was bitterly cold. The damp in the bedroom had made the wallpaper peel away (with a little help from tiny fingers, encouraging the peeling once it started!) Jessica was 4 years and 3 months old, Georgina was 12 days away from being 2 and Dan ..... was just 4 months.

On the weekend before this day, we had finally got round to getting a sofa-bed for Mark and I to sleep on, in the living room, to make a little more room in that bedroom for the children to have a play area. We had managed with a double bed, 2 single beds and a cot ... along with wardrobes, chest of drawers and a vanity unit for too long - once we could get the double bed out of there it would be a room for the children. Mark also surprised me with a kitten that weekend .... Figaro was welcomed into the family with open hearts!

The day was very similar to today ...... beautiful sunshine .... fresh in the morning and a hint of Autumn in the air. It was our friend's birthday and we had popped to see her earlier in the day - she was celebrating that night with a picnic with the "new" man in her life and had told Mark she would not be going to the usual skittles night. Mark was captain of the local skittles team and tonight was a match within the local league.

I did not go to the matches these days .... I was a young Mum, 28 years old and frankly ..... exhausted ! I could not imagine getting myself ready to go out at that point in time - I usually ended up with baby sick/milk or poop somewhere or other over me and Dan was still having 4 hourly feeds - so I was not getting a great deal of sleep ...... along with also being entertainments manager, climbing frame, chef, waitress etc for a 4 year old and 2 year old ...... so I was quite happy to be left at home with the children, while Mark did his thing.

At about 7pm Mark took the bins out and went to the local shop to get himself some cigarettes - I knew he would bring me back a Flake too, as he always did. I heard the doorbell go and thought he had forgotten his keys ...so ran downstairs to find him standing with a huge grin, a boxful of ice-creams and an ice-cream 99 in each hand! (we lived next door to an ice-cream van service - they had some spares and knew our children and us fairly well so just handed Mark the end of the day box!)

We ate the 99's and then he kissed me goodbye. He was on a high, in a happy frame of mind as things had started to turn around for him, after over a year unemployed. He had got through an aptitude test for a programming course and (other than our ever present money worries) we were enthusiastic about our future!

A couple of hours later I had settled the children, fed baby Dan and I made myself comfortable on the sofa, with Figaro on my lap, eating the Flake that, of course, Mark had bought me from the shop. I was watching "Windmills of the Gods" - funny how a nondescript TV mini-series has just stuck in my memory - it was after 10pm ...... then the doorbell rang .....................................

You just know ......... yet you don't want to know ........ the policeman and policewoman asked to come in ........ "Let's go and sit down" ..... I told them our living room was upstairs "Let's go upstairs then" .......

That was the longest climb of my life.

Something's happened ....... hope Mum and Dad are OK ..... or Phil or John ....... but hang on ...they asked if I was Mrs Jane Goodwin ...... oh maybe it's one of my friends ...... could it be one of Mark's family ?

All the time knowing EXACTLY what they were going to say but not once allowing my mind - my heart - to acknowledge it.

They had rung the doorbell so hard that they had woken Jessica - I am not sure how it must have been for a distraught 4 year old peeking through the stair-rail ....... but she later told me she thought they had come to arrest me - so had snuck out of bed to find out what was happening.

They had sat me down ........ and then they told me ....... it is physical .....it is an actual punch to the stomach.

You know that movie special effect where they zoom out and zoom back in again ........ that happened ..... I felt very, very cold.

Then they asked if I wanted to call anyone.

The first words out of my mouth ...... after being told my husband had been killed in a car crash were " I have to go and wash up ...... there will be lots of people coming round"

I was totally in denial - choosing something boring and everyday to focus on rather than face the awful truth.

Then I realised Jessica was up - I took her in my arms and explained that daddy was dead, that he died instantly and was not hurting and that he was in heaven. I somehow remained calm, I guess because it didn't seem real, I was reassuring, I held her close as she cried and told her that I would teach her to make toasted cheese sandwiches when she was older as she always said Daddy was best at making them.

........ and then I told her that we would get through this ... it would be a long hard journey but we had each other, Gina and Dan ...our family and lots and lots of friends ..... it might be slow but we would do it ...... we would take it 2 steps forward ..............

Empty Nesting (again)

2013-08-13T12:24:00.000+01:00

I have touched on this subject a couple of times and am grateful that the position of Danny, sometimes being at home but often staying at his girlfriend Nicki's for 2/3 nights at a go, is making the full transition easier!

I do not know if it would be different if my children had stayed at home for longer - you do expect them to leave home at some point ..... I think both my girls left fairly early on and both very close (time-wise) together.

I do not want my girls to feel at all bad when they read this - I am just writing about some of the feelings it provokes - the positive and the negative - so maybe others who stumble across this can be prepared. Although in reality, there should be NOTHING to prepare for ... lets face it - this goes on generation after generation and actually it is one of those occasions where we should all "just get on with it" BUT - it does create a feeling slightly akin to grief - the loss and occasionally even loneliness - that is something I was not really aware of or prepared for.

It is the summer holidays and I work term time only, so of course it may be that I have noticed this more this last couple of weeks. I know - the easy answer would be to find a job that was NOT term time only but hang on .... I actually love the holidays ... and always have done - so that's not happening !

Anyway - I digress - As I have mentioned before, I have never had an issue with being alone - am usually quite happy with my own company and can always pick up a book/watch a film or find something to amuse myself with. However, before the girls left there was always SOMETHING going on in the house - noise, music playing, food being cooked in the kitchen, someone rushing around chatting on their phones, friends in and out of the house. This general busyness seems to be what is missing and YES the quietness has it's plus points but you really don't appreciate how quickly you miss it.

I worked with an older lady a few years ago who suffered from depression after her 2 children had moved out of her home. I can remember trying to be sympathetic but actually not having any appreciation at all of how she had failed to adjust and how this was affecting her. In fact I was a little dismissive (as I am not known for my patience in these kind of situations) !

I wish I had given her more of my time and listened to her fears more !

Luckily - none of the factors that affected her have hit me in the same way but many I have touched upon.

I recall her saying that she felt a loss of purpose in her life (yes ...I can now see that ...not fully as I still have many other things in my life but there is that sense of loss). She felt that her feelings were not acknowledged (oops - that would have included me) and yet now ...even though my feelings are not as great as hers obviously were .... I can also see that we don't acknowledge this chapter of our lives very well. She worked in a school and was a part timer so had a lot of time with her children (sounds familiar) and her sense of identity was wrapped up in them so her loneliness on coming home from her work was very strong.

I too can identify with that - I have worked part-time and even when the kids have not been around I would have plenty to do just picking up after them and felt their "presence" all around the house. This has decreased as now it is only Dan (well ...and Greg) who leave their stuff all over the place ... and yet even that is diminished as Dan has become a little tidier and more aware of putting his stuff at least in his room !

The one thing I can gladly say I did not identify with, was her concerns about her children in the "Big Wide World". Whether her concerns were linked to her depression and anxiety I cannot say as I am no medical practitioner BUT she was constantly worried that they would not cope with life - financially, emotionally and practically - that they would "fail" and it would be a reflection on her somehow ...... As far as I know they were perfectly fine and one thing I can say is that I believe I was pretty tough with my 3 in preparing them for independence - they all had allowances at a young age to learn how to manage their money and they all had chores and responsibilities that hopefully gave them some idea of managing themselves (OK - so I never really taught them to cook .... my bad !)

But maybe the biggest challenge is to embrace it - to accept that you are going to have times where you just miss them being around - and to establish a different type of relationship with your child ...... NOW finally you can dislodge the parenting mantle (it will never leave completely) and enter that stage of friendship and respect for your child, accepting that the choices they make will more than likely be different to yours but that they are now adults and simply CAN make them.

On the positive side - boy do I have free time on my hands - I realise why I was so skinny when younger as I was always running around after them ! I have not yet fully discovered what to do with the free time and that is part of my new challenge.

So yes - I am occasionally sad when I look at a picture or sort out some old stuff that has my children's handiwork in it ..... but I am happy for them .... as I should be ... and I can acknowledge that I need to make adjustments to my life in the new role as Nana rather than Mum .... and just accept those moments of loss and look forward to the increase in "me" time, time with Greg and time to do what I REALLY want to do (Which I still haven't figured out yet - but will keep you posted) !

Favourite Films

2013-07-25T09:53:00.000+01:00

Continuing with the "list" theme - here is my list of favourite films.

I am no major film critic and have a very wide range of genres that I watch - in fact there are some fairly odd combinations here ranging from extremely popular to a few "cult" types. I have missed out Star Trek ..... and Sky Captain and some others as although I really liked them my main criteria was "would I watch again and again"

I have also not yet included some I would like to see - and there are still a few !

Only 60 + on this list too so not quite as laborious as the 100 and have done in alphabetical order as I would find it quite hard with some of them to actually position - I'd have about 8 number 1's !!!!

6th Sense

Along Came a Spider

American Tail (Fieval)

An Officer and a Gentleman

Avatar

Big Trouble in Little China

Blood Diamonds

Bone Collector

Bourne Trilogy

Breakfast Club

Cool Runnings

Die Hard

Dirty Dancing

Dogma

Educating Rita

Erin Brokovitch

Fallen

Ferris Buellers Day Off

Forrest Gump

Full Monty

Gladiator

Heat

Hercules (Disney)

High Plains Drifter

Ice Age

Inception

Indiana Jones

Karate Kid

Last of the Mohicans

Legends of the Fall

Leon

Lethal Weapon

Lion King

Lock Stock and 2 smokin barrels

Long Kiss Goodnight

Lord of the Rings 1/2/3

Love Actually

Lucky Number Slevin

Mad Max 2

Moonlight & Valentino

Pelican Brief

Pirates of the Carribbean

Pitch Black

Pretty in Pink

RED
Resident Evil

Santa Claus the Movie

Saving Private Ryan

Schindlers List

Shawshank Redemption

Shutter Island

Sleeping with the Enemy

Sleepless in Seattle

St Elmo's Fire

Sum of all Fears

Swordfish

Terminator 2

The Italian Job

The Lovely Bones

The Rock

The Untouchables

Titanic

Usual Suspects

Withnail and I

Young Guns 1 & 2

A more realistic book choice ....

2013-07-06T14:44:00.003+01:00

Ok ...so after the last post and several friends laughing at me for actually putting in that I would read .....War & Peace ..... and Crime & Punishment ..... I guess I never will really.

Maybe I was trying to be too highbrow ..... after all - I actually missed off a couple of my absolute favourites!

The Sword by James Herbert - I have read all of his books .... my favourite author.

The Burning Shore by Wilbur Smith - again another of my favourite authors although I have not quite read all of his.

BUT also ... maybe I was not highbrow enough ...... I missed out Shakespeare and YES I genuinely do like most of his plays and have read many - My favourite being King Lear

So - like many Lists ....sometimes you get caught up in the actual writing of them and miss the obvious items .... just going through the motion of getting to the "100" or "50" or "25" - whatever number you have set and therefore putting pressure on yourself to complete the list!

However, ...it won't stop me from doing these lists - I have my top 50 films etc and love the process ..... right - back to my "things to do" list LOL !!!

Top 100 books for me that I have read or want to read ....

2013-06-30T20:36:00.001+01:00

Probably not in preferential order here .......... Haven't yet read all of these but will get round to them !!!!

1. The Lord of the Rings, JRR Tolkien

2. Pride and Prejudice, Jane Austen

3. His Dark Materials, Philip Pullman

4. The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, Douglas Adams

5. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, JK Rowling

6. To Kill a Mockingbird, Harper Lee

7. Winnie the Pooh, AA Milne

8. Nineteen Eighty-Four, George Orwell

9. The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, CS Lewis

10. Jane Eyre, Charlotte Brontë

11. Catch-22, Joseph Heller

12. Wuthering Heights, Emily Brontë

13. Birdsong, Sebastian Faulks

14. Rebecca, Daphne du Maurier

15. The Catcher in the Rye, JD Salinger

16. The Wind in the Willows, Kenneth Grahame

17. Great Expectations, Charles Dickens

18. Little Women, Louisa May Alcott

19. Captain Corelli's Mandolin, Louis de Bernieres

20. War and Peace, Leo Tolstoy

21. Gone with the Wind, Margaret Mitchell

22. Harry Potter And The Philosopher's Stone, JK Rowling

23. Harry Potter And The Chamber Of Secrets, JK Rowling

24. Harry Potter And The Prisoner Of Azkaban, JK Rowling

25. The Hobbit, JRR Tolkien

26. Tess Of The D'Urbervilles, Thomas Hardy

27. Middlemarch, George Eliot

28. A Prayer For Owen Meany, John Irving

29. The Grapes Of Wrath, John Steinbeck

30. Alice's Adventures In Wonderland, Lewis Carroll

31. The Story Of Tracy Beaker, Jacqueline Wilson

32. One Hundred Years Of Solitude, Gabriel García Márquez

33. The Pillars Of The Earth, Ken Follett

34. David Copperfield, Charles Dickens

35. Charlie And The Chocolate Factory, Roald Dahl

36. Treasure Island, Robert Louis Stevenson

37. A Town Like Alice, Nevil Shute

38. Persuasion, Jane Austen

39. Dune, Frank Herbert

40. Emma, Jane Austen

41. Anne Of Green Gables, LM Montgomery

42. Watership Down, Richard Adams

43. The Great Gatsby, F Scott Fitzgerald

44. The Count Of Monte Cristo, Alexandre Dumas

45. Brideshead Revisited, Evelyn Waugh

46. Animal Farm, George Orwell

47. A Christmas Carol, Charles Dickens

48. Far From The Madding Crowd, Thomas Hardy

49. Goodnight Mister Tom, Michelle Magorian

50. The Shell Seekers, Rosamunde Pilcher

51. The Secret Garden, Frances Hodgson Burnett

52. Of Mice And Men, John Steinbeck

53. The Stand, Stephen King

54. Anna Karenina, Leo Tolstoy

55. A Suitable Boy, Vikram Seth

56. The BFG, Roald Dahl

57. Swallows And Amazons, Arthur Ransome

58. Black Beauty, Anna Sewell

59. Artemis Fowl, Eoin Colfer

60. Crime And Punishment, Fyodor Dostoyevsky

61. Noughts And Crosses, Malorie Blackman

62. Memoirs Of A Geisha, Arthur Golden

63. A Tale Of Two Cities, Charles Dickens

64. The Thorn Birds, Colleen McCollough

65. Mort, Terry Pratchett

66. The Magic Faraway Tree, Enid Blyton

67. The Magus, John Fowles

68. Good Omens, Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman

69. Guards! Guards!, Terry Pratchett

70. Lord Of The Flies, William Golding

71. Perfume, Patrick Süskind

72. The Ragged Trousered Philanthropists, Robert Tressell

73. Night Watch, Terry Pratchett

74. Matilda, Roald Dahl

75. Bridget Jones's Diary, Helen Fielding

76. The Secret History, Donna Tartt

77. The Woman In White, Wilkie Collins

78. Ulysses, James Joyce

79. Bleak House, Charles Dickens

80. Double Act, Jacqueline Wilson

81. The Twits, Roald Dahl

82. I Capture The Castle, Dodie Smith

83. Holes, Louis Sachar

84. Gormenghast, Mervyn Peake

85. The God Of Small Things, Arundhati Roy

86. Vicky Angel, Jacqueline Wilson

87. Brave New World, Aldous Huxley

88. Cold Comfort Farm, Stella Gibbons

89. Magician, Raymond E Feist

90. On The Road, Jack Kerouac

91. The Godfather, Mario Puzo

92. The Clan Of The Cave Bear, Jean M Auel

93. The Colour Of Magic, Terry Pratchett

94. The Alchemist, Paulo Coelho

95. Katherine, Anya Seton

96. Kane And Abel, Jeffrey Archer

97. Love In The Time Of Cholera, Gabriel García Márquez

98. Girls In Love, Jacqueline Wilson

99. The Princess Diaries, Meg Cabot

100. Midnight's Children, Salman Rushdie

From frustration to farcical

2013-06-08T17:01:00.000+01:00

Further developments around my infamous EDF energy issues !

I sent this email today and hope that something will come of it .... in the meantime I have cancelled my direct debit so they don't take a massive amount out of my bank account !!!

Dear Martin, Tannishtha, and anyone else to whom this may be of interest!

I have not received a response to my last email, and was not yet expecting one ...... but as matters have progressed, I am emailing again to advise you of my dismay that this query has gone from a matter of frustration to pure farce!

In the last couple of days I have received 5 .... yes five ... letters from edf energy regarding my accounts.

What began as an enquiry to reduce my monthly payments has now led to EDF energy requesting a payment of £795.72 for the month of June !!!!

I work part time, term time only ...so ..... to put this in the immortal words of a character played by Nicholas Cage ..... "How in the name of Zeus' butthole" am I supposed to find that amount, as opposed to my regular payments of around a couple of hundred a month (which I was trying to reduce) !

The 5 letters went something like this

1. account number ***** 3935 - thank you for letting us know you are on the move

2. account number *****7096 - thank you for letting us know you are on the move

3. account number *****1976 - Welcome to edf energy - we are already supplying energy to your new home

4. Your last gas statement for account ending 096 - £323.77 - direct debit to be taken out 19th June

5. New account number - electricity and gas ending in 976 - bill for £437.00 to be paid in June

HELLO ......... I have NOT MOVED HOUSE ......

I was hoping for a bill that would be LESS than my previous monthly payments - not for it to be quadrupled !!!

OK ..... lets do this step by step.

I get a bill in May to inform me my Direct Debit payment amount has increased to £100 a month
I query said bill
EDF responds ..... advising me I am not on dual fuel discount
I email back and inform EDF I am amazed, as I have been with you for at least 10 years
Approx 3-5 years ago EDF CALLED ME to persuade me to remain a customer for BOTH gas and electricity .... all in the one phone call
I agree to remain, rather than transfer to another supplier, assuming I had been put on your best possible tariff for my situation
In querying the bill (step 2 ) to sort this out, some numpty has gone through a computerised process that is NOT APPROPRIATE.
ALL I need is a transfer of the 2 accounts to one account and to continue with my bills now combined at a reduced rate
There is NO WAY I can pay a lump sum and do not believe I should have to pay this, as I have been a long term regular customer
My electricity bill does indicate £666.70 of cancelled charges but with no specific explanation of what the cancellation/credit is for
This credit simply states it covers the period of November 2012 to May 2013 - what happened to the last 10 years or at the very least backdated to when EDF contacted me to encourage me not to transfer to another supplier

Please will someone actually get off their backsides and manually sort this out, rather than allowing a generic computer process to label me yet another number in your vast array of numbers, with no actual thought process as to how this will affect an individual who is already in fuel poverty.

yours in grateful anticipation

Jane Hall

Watch this space .......

Energy Bullies

2013-06-05T19:49:00.000+01:00

I am publishing these emails below as I simply cannot believe the arrogance of the energy companies.

My daughter has a separate query .... to which they are dragging their heels and stalling her.

My query below originated with an initial enquiry into whether or not I was on the best tariff - bearing in mind about 3 years ago they called me to persuade me to stay with their company ..... as I had been looking into swapping .....although to be honest I think they are all as bad as each other !!

I am sure I cannot be the only one who made the assumption that the energy company ..... ANY energy company .... would automatically ensure I was on a dual fuel tariff as I had an Electricity AND Gas account with them .....

From: Jane Hall
Date: 31.05.2013 10:45:38
To: customerenquiries@edfenergy.com
Cc: consumeraffairs@ofgem.gov.uk

Subject: Dual Fuel Query

Dear Sirs,

Re Account Numbers

I have been with EDF energy for several years and am shocked to discover that I have not been provided with the dual fuel discount.

I was informed yesterday, after I had made an enquiry about whether I am on the best tariff, that I have 2 separate accounts - I had no idea that I should have one account - I assumed that as you are the provider and can see in your records that the address for both accounts was the same, that this would have been provided at set up ?

I also was under the impression that you are now obligated to provide the BEST tariff possible to your customers and I simply find it reprehensible that you can operate without providing this BEST price tariff automatically!

I would be most grateful if you could check my account as soon as possible and apply the discount AND backdate any discount that I have missed out on, as I believe I should be entitled to this, having been a long term customer with you with both electricity and gas !

Dear Mrs Hall,

Thank you for your email dated 31st May 2013.

I really apologise for the inconvenience caused. However this is something our customers are aware of and depends on the date when you are starting your contract account with us for each fuel .If the account for the fuels start on two different dates then there would not be one single account for both.

However, no need to worry, I have merged both the accounts for you and henceforth, you would be using one single account and would be eligible for the discount that is available for a duel fuel customer.

Yours sincerely,

Customer Service Advisor
EDF Energy

Dear ....

Many thanks for your reply and for merging both of my accounts.

However, I am not quite satisfied and actually a little dismayed at your cavalier response to my query.

In my email I mention that I was "shocked to discover that I have not been provided with the dual fuel discount." and that "I had no idea that I should have one account"

Yet you stated that "this is something our customers are aware of" ... are you insinuating that I am thick?

I AM A CUSTOMER ...... I WAS NOT AWARE THAT YOU HAD NOT AUTOMATICALLY MATCHED MY ADDRESS TO SHOW I WAS A CUSTOMER FOR BOTH FUELS.

You also state "If the account for the fuels start on two different dates then there would not be one single account for both" How am I supposed to know this?

When I set up my second account (I cannot recall whether I set up my gas or electricity first) I am absolutely certain I would have informed EDF that I was already a customer. Even if I did not tell them this, way back in 1997/8, when I initially set up my accounts, I know I did more recently.

In fact .... to get to the point ..... about 3/4 years ago I looked to transfer both my gas and electricity to another provider - at which point EDF ENERGY PHONED ME TO PERSUADE ME TO REMAIN WITH them !!

EDF energy were well aware I had both accounts with them, at that time...... AND YET .... when persuaded to remain with EDF I was still not given the one account !!! I am sure you can check your records for this.

As I mentioned earlier I am grateful that you have now transferred to the one account but am disappointed that you did not even mention any backdated recompense for the years of extra payments I have paid into EDF's already overinflated coffers !

I have copied both BBC Watchdog and Offgem into this email as they may be interested in the way EDF seem to be able to get away with this ..... I am absolutely certain I am not the only customer who has been misled.

Well ...... make of it what you will blog readers .... I will let you know if they make any offer or if they decide to sort my daughter's account too !!!

PS .... my apologies for not having blogged for a whole month and the next one will be much more interesting I'm sure !!!

My first business venture

2013-05-04T13:16:00.004+01:00

Most of my friends who have known me a while will think I am referring to Videotrek ..... my mobile video library .... it was a good starter business, although not exactly financially lucrative, but it did teach me a lot and I enjoyed running it (most of the time) for a few years.

I will blog about that another time ... but no ..... my FIRST foray into the business world was on a much smaller scale ....and when I was MUCH younger !

I think I was about 8 or 9 years old when I started. It was not a business my parents approved of ..... but I was too young to realise that at the time, until they found out and I got a lecture.

I was a money lender ..... a loan shark ....charging extortionate amounts in interest on the money I lent my brothers!

Now ...to get this into perspective ..... I was meticulous .... I was actually brilliant ...... and I still think secretly my Dad had a little bit of pride in my initiative and Mum was impressed with my organisational skills and paperwork at such a young age !

Basically, from a young age, we got weekly pocket money - I think at that time it was around 30p a week. I always spent 10p a week on my collectables - whimsies - and then about another 10p on sweets from our local sweet shop "The Chocolate Box". Leaving me 10p per week. This mounted up quite quickly and I found I was (in childhood terms) fairly wealthy!

Initially I would save my money for family holidays and special occasions but then my brothers both realised I had a few pennies stashed away and they didn't - they spent all their pocket money, most weeks.

So they started to regularly come to me, for a short term loan! I caught on quick !!!

I bought a notebook and started recording the amounts they owed. It wasn't long before I then decided that for each amount they borrowed, they should compensate me, by paying back extra, depending on how long they borrowed it for.

Now please bear in mind my age and the times - this was mid 70's - no access to 24hour TV and ads - the internet had not been launched - and I had no idea about the wider world and the real aspects of money lending - other than a VERY basic knowledge that a bank would lend money if you needed it.

How clever was I back then !!!!

Unfortunately I had NO idea about interest rates, what may or may not be acceptable, or even the moral aspect of encouraging my brothers to get into debt.

I can't recall what interest I was charging - I am fairly sure it was pretty high - something like a penny a week for every 5p borrowed. Whatever it was ......... my Mum found my notebook - with pages of amounts of money recorded, going in and out (I think I had been running this for several months and I thought I was most DEFINITELY onto a good thing) !

However, quite rightly Mum and Dad did not think it was a good thing, they confiscated the book and made me write off the debt (not the initial borrowing - the boys paid that back) I guess it was a good lesson to learn.

So that was that .... business number one canned ! It did not dampen my enthusiasm or desire to be my own boss as I later managed another 2 small businesses - neither particularly successful but both good for me at the time.

It's just that .............. whenever the adverts for all the money lenders are shown ...such as Wonga.com ....... I sit back with a smile and think about how RICH I could have been, if I had just extended my loan sharking .....

Muhahaha !!!!

Pinch, Punch 1st of the Month

2013-05-01T11:03:00.000+01:00

Many families use this saying ... it's a way of welcoming in the first day of a new month.

One of the explanations of its origins is that it would keep witches away for a month - in mediaeval times people believed in witches and thought that salt would make them weak - so a pinch of salt would make a witch weak enough for a punch to banish her from your home for the month.

Now in our family we have always done this ..... from when I was a little girl ..... and then passing it on to my 3.

When the kids were younger I used to LOVE jumping out of bed on the first day of the month to run into their bedrooms and do "pinch punch"... my goal was to get all 3 of them before they realised and got me first ..... this presented a challenge as they were all in different rooms so whoever was first would usually "get it" but then 2nd and 3rd's had heard the commotion and were well prepared !!

As they got older there would always be a groan as I approached the bedrooms for the ritual pinch and punch before hauling teenagers out of bed for the school run ...... but I persevered ..... its a tough job but someone has to do it!

It was a little sad then, that this morning ..... I had no-one to say/do it to !!!!

Greg gets up early for work, so by the time I was in the land of "wide awake" ..... I had forgotten to say it to him. Then .... as Wednesdays are my day off ...... I was still in bed by the time Dan got up for work and I just shouted out to him to have a good day.

So when I actually got up and dragged myself downstairs ..... it hit me that I had not done this age old tradition .....and for a few moments I realised that this is the downside of being "nearly" an empty nester.

The house was silent and there had been none of the hustle and bustle of the morning school run and no-one to give a friendly pinch/punch to ............

EXCEPT THE DOGS ... HA !

Another addition to the family

2013-04-17T14:59:00.000+01:00

We have a new member of the family ..... well not really new ... more like returning.

Jess has recently had lots of things going on in her life ..... not all bad ..... just hectic and she was finding it hard to cope with 2 energetic dogs, Kovu, her pregnancy and managing working too.

So after much heartache she felt that she would have to give her dogs away .... thinking that would be best for them. Thankfully, at the same time as she was thinking this .... Dan was considering getting a puppy and had already asked Greg and I how we would feel about this, as he still lives at home.

We were a little cautious about this as (and those of you who read the blog regularly will know) Harley is not exactly sociable with other dogs!

We had been through a similar situation before, introducing a new dog to the house, that just didn't work out at all. We had gone to a re-homing organisation (and I do think they do a wonderful job so this is not a reflection on them) where we met a very boisterous terrier and he immediately warmed to us.

Now whilst I am not criticising the re-homing organisation as such, I will criticise the person whom we dealt with. I explained that we already had 1 dog (Billie) who was still quite young and this was why we were looking for another dog, as a companion for her. Greg also emphasised that we had a cat, who was the boss. Oh and 3 teenagers too !

This lady had absolutely no interest in the rest of the household ...... had no inclination to engage with us in that sort of conversation which I did find surprising. She did reassure us that this dog was friendly with the other dogs in the kennels and that was as far as her concern went.

We duly paid our £100 and took "Bobby" home.

DISASTER !

We had him on a lead and as we walked in he and Billie gingerly sniffed around each other. They did seem fine although Billie appeared a little nervous. We took Bobby off the lead and all seemed quiet for a few minutes until he spotted the cat ............. I had never seen Scamp move so fast or jump so quickly up the stairs and onto the window sill of the landing . Scamp instantly knew this dog was not cat friendly. Bobby was snarling, growling and desperate to get to Scamp ... with Scamp hissing back at him wondering what chaos we had brought into his home!

We decided to call the lady to explain that we were happy to see how it all went overnight but that it did not feel right ..... including the fact that by now, Billie had hidden under my desk to keep out of the way!

The answer she gave is one I was horrified at and will never forget - and since have repeated this to anyone using her services - "well you could always get rid of the cat" !!!!!!!

I informed her that the cat was here first and, on looking to home a dog, we specifically asked her that question around the dog's sociability. She did not seem happy!

We duly kept Bobby overnight and repeatedly and gently tried to re-introduce him to Billie who by now had decided she wanted nothing to do with the "intruder". We had a couple of further attempts to get both Bobby and Scamp in the same room and it clearly was not happening.

In the morning, Greg and I took Bobby back to the lady's house, reluctantly. Her main concern was that she did not want to give us our £100 back - thankfully in the contract we signed there is a trial period - and I guess it helped that my husband became a little intimidating - particularly reiterating that we had asked about the dog's history and she had been reluctant to go into detail.

So we were lucky I guess that when we got Harley, as a young pup, he had only known a harsh beginning (Greg got him from the traveller's site) and, as a pup, he was easier to integrate, immediately accepting that Scamp was boss!

Of course then he and Billie mated, had 5 puppies and 2 of those puppies remained with us (Kenzi and Ruby).

Then, when they other dogs all moved out with Jess and Gina moving from home, he only had Scamp as his companion, and since Scamp's death he has become more unsociable to most other dogs except Billie and Kenzi.

So Dan's request for a dog seemed fraught with challenges .......... until Jess's dilemma arose and a very obvious solution appeared !

We took Kenzi (or rather Dan did) and Jess was able to keep Billie (one dog/half the worry)

Harley has already calmed down again - he and Kenzi are best buddies, and there had been no need to worry about the unknown factor of how they would get along ! A peaceful, harmonious home.

All you need is love ...... and a dog (or 2!)

The Tax System from an Economics Professor's Perspective

2013-04-10T15:17:00.000+01:00

Loved this so much I thought I would share on my blog ...........

Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to £100...
If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this...

The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
The fifth would pay £1.
The sixth would pay £3.
The seventh would pay £7..
The eighth would pay £12.
The ninth would pay £18.
The tenth man (the richest) would pay £59.

So, that's what they decided to do..

The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve ball.

"Since you are all such good customers," he said, "I'm going to reduce the cost of your daily beer by £20". Drinks for the ten men would now cost just £80.

The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes.

So the first four men were unaffected.

They would still drink for free. But what about the other six men?
The paying customers?

How could they divide the £20 windfall so that everyone would get his fair share?

They realised that £20 divided by six is £3.33. But if they
subtracted that from everybody's share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer.

So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man's bill by a higher percentage the poorer he was, to follow the principle of the tax system they had been using, and he proceeded to work out the amounts he suggested that each should now pay.

And so the fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% saving).

The sixth now paid £2 instead of £3 (33% saving).

The seventh now paid £5 instead of £7 (28% saving).
The eighth now paid £9 instead of £12 (25% saving).

The ninth now paid £14 instead of £18 (22% saving).

The tenth now paid £49 instead of £59 (16% saving).

Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued to drink for free. But, once outside the bar, the men began to compare their savings.

"I only got a pound out of the £20 saving," declared the sixth man.

He pointed to the tenth man,"but he got £10!"

"Yeah, that's right," exclaimed the fifth man. "I only saved a pound too. It's unfair that he got ten times more benefit than me!"

"That's true!" shouted the seventh man. "Why should he get £10 back, when I got only £2? The wealthy get all the breaks!"

"Wait a minute," yelled the first four men in unison, "we didn't get anything at all. This new tax system exploits the poor!"

The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.

The next night the tenth man didn't show up for drinks, so the nine sat down and had their beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important. They didn't have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill!

And that, boys and girls, journalists and government ministers, is how our tax system works.

The people who already pay the highest taxes will naturally get the most benefit from a tax reduction.

Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore.

In fact, they might start drinking overseas, where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.

David R. Kamerschen, Ph.D.
Professor of Economics.

For those who understand, no explanation is needed.
For those who do not understand, no explanation is possible

Procrastination

2013-04-06T15:53:00.002+01:00

I have several jobs on my to do list ....... and I have been procrastinating ... AGAIN !

I am definitely the queen of procrastination ..... I even went onto a site that gives tips on how to avoid procrastination ..... rather than actually DO what I was supposed to do !!!

The site gave all the usual advice ... like

1. "make a list" !!! I had to stop myself laughing - I have a list for EVERYTHING!

It suggested that if the list itself didn't help ....

2. to re-order the list ........ hahaha !! I have categories and sub categories on my list and spreadsheets to re-order items on a regular basis !

3. Reflect on the important things ... the priorities ...... yep ... got that one down to a fine art too .... I regularly read and re-read the jar/pebbles/sand/coffee lecture.

4. Avoid the computer .....yeah right !!! I know the computer is a HUGE waste of time .... you intend to read a couple of emails and an hour later you find you are still staring at the screen ....replying to tweets or Facebook statuses .... but sorry ... I don't want to avoid the computer ....I LIKE my little netbook.

HOWEVER ...... I am going to put the netbook down and take advantage of the sunshine .... I'm going to take the dogs for a walk ..... OK ... so it still means the jobs aren't going to get done ..... but I think this is a a very good excuse ........ so that's the BEST way of procrastinating ...... in my mind at least !!!

48 ....38...28...18...8 .....

2013-03-22T14:59:00.000+00:00

A couple of days ago was my 48th birthday ..... I had a lovely day and thought back on several years of birthdays in the past. So thought I would share this:

On 20th March 1973 - Aged 8 years old ...

I was at Bedford Road Lower School - My best friends were Diane Kramer & Jackie Wood(s)
I would visit my Granny on a Saturday morning and Gran on a Friday evening for tea
I collected "whimsies" animal ornaments, from our local shop with my 20p pocket money - they cost 10p!
I had a hamster - called Hammy
I watched Black Beauty, Fingerbobs and Blue Peter on TV
I listened to whatever music Mum and Dad did .......... and Terry Wogan!
There had been 2 IRA bombs exploded in London ... I was beginning to understand the news and why Mum and Dad watched it
I received my first proper diary, the Christmas before my birthday, and started writing a few things down
That year we went to Wales on holiday ... I think it was to Carmarthen
Later that year ... in September ... I started at my new school - Bedford High School

On 20th March 1983 - Aged 18 years old .....what a difference a decade can make...

I was in my last year at Bedford High School - My best friends were Sarah Newman and Jenny Landmann
I had discovered "The Crown" and all it's "biker" glory ! Where I met all my future partners !
I had an allowance of £20 a month (or about that I think)
I had 2 Guinea Pigs .... Pixie and Piper .... although I think Pixie may have died around that time
I watched The A Team, BlackAdder and The Young Ones on TV
I listened to Soft Metal .... and Genesis, Queen, Pink Floyd, Status Quo, and some older "hippy" music
The pound note was replaced by a pound coin !!!
I went on holiday with Scotty, Greg, Steve and Mark to Sandy Bay in Devon (brilliant)
In May of that year I started going out with Mark
Later on that year I started work at Granada TV Rentals where the friendships I made there have lasted and saw me through tough times.

On 20th March 1993 - Aged 28 years old .......

I was married to Mark and a Mum of 2 beautiful little girls and heavily pregnant with Daniel
Mark had been unemployed for a while due to a recession but we had a lovely daily routine with the children
Money was tight but we got by in our one bedroomed flat with the help of family and friends
We had 2 cats - Huey and Dewey (We had given Louie to our neighbours and Huey was handicapped!)
We watched Star Trek Next Generation, Cracker, X Files (still on a huge wide TV)
I still listened to Soft Metal - Bon Jovi ..... but generally more Nursery rhymes !!!
Unemployment fell for the first time since May 1990 sparking hopes that this recession is over. Mark was doing well at Job Club and later that year we found out he had been accepted onto a programming course.
We didn't have a holiday that year with Mark ...... he died that August ...... but our good friends Steve & Nikki took me and the 3 children to the Yorkshire Dales 6 weeks after Mark died - we needed it !!!
25th August 1993 my world collapsed - different life events lead a person in many different ways but this is always the one I end up back with.
I found out how blessed we were as a family with so many family and true, true friends rallying around - too many to mention but all equally as valued.

On 20th March 2003 - aged 38 years old ....

We lived in our home now - I was with someone but the relationship was flawed, the children were 10, 12 and 14 that year.
I used to go clubbing most weekends - my close friends were Debbie and Elaine but The Granada crew and Nikki & Steve were always there.
We had regular Friday fish n chips and Sunday Lunch at Mum & Dad's
We had Scamp - a cat bought for me by my ex - Laurie.
We watched Big Brother, I'm a Celebrity, Spooks and most of the Disney channels !
We listened to Bon Jovi, Savage Garden, Blink 182 and many of Jessica's choices.
The Iraq war had begun - in fact on my birthday the British troops first landed.
We went to DISNEYLAND Paris that year, the kids and Mum and I in November for the Fireworks. It was fantastic!
Later that year I ran a 5K challenge and the lack of support from my partner of the time clinched the recognition that I had to end the relationship
I started my own business - the Nanny agency and had more time to spend with the children !

On 20th March 2013 - Aged 48 years old .....Wow - how life does change !

I still live in the wonderful home that Mark "picked" but never got to live in, with my husband Greg.
2 of my children have moved out with their own babes.
I have a collection of bells and elephants !
We have 2 dogs - Harley and Kenzi
I watch Neighbours, Home and Away (both of which actually I have watched since the 80's !) and CSI
I don't listen to much music .... don't know why .... did put on savage garden the other day and loved it
The 2nd recession within my lifetime is still going on - double dipped and probably going to triple dip !
I may not get chance to go on Holiday this year - but last year we went on a cruise to Panama Canal
The world has changed considerably with the internet and world wide web
I am very comfortable - money still tight but lifestyle great with part time working and school holidays

None of us know what is round the corner ...... none of us can predict the choices we make and in what direction they will lead us .... but generally I hope for all my friends and anyone reading this that life brings more of the happier surprises than the sad and though I may not make another 48 years .... I hope for at least another 30 !!!

Childhood

2013-03-06T14:44:00.000+00:00

I can't resist ..... I have an opinion and am going to voice it .....

The media are all over the new survey from an online parenting site, that questioned around 1000 parents about their "tweenagers" - children aged seven to 13. It seems that a majority of those stated that they felt their child's "childhood" was over by the age of 12, with society forcing them to mature too fast.

Hello ........... !!!!

Are you ..... or are you not ..... the parent ........ can you ..... or can you not ..... have an influence ..... or maybe they are just a little too lazy ?

Now - I confess to being an EXTREMELY lazy person - and parent. Hence I was disciplined and quite boring in my regime of rules and boundaries when the children were younger - making it easier for myself as they grew older !

Society is fast paced - the internet is freely available and so are many other media sources BUT why are parents allowing this to influence them - for example by giving their children access to things like the internet, when they do not need to have unsupervised access?

I read that a 6 year old went to a Justin Bieber concert .... the one recently where he was late on stage ..... and parents complained that their children were getting tired.

ARGHHHHH ..... what is wrong with the world.

A 6 year old DOES NOT have to go to a JB concert - they really won't miss out - honest !

A 10 year old DOES NOT HAVE to have a facebook/myspace/twitter account

Have parents really lost their own individuality and ability to stand up to THEIR peers because, let's face it .... a lot of this IS about parents trying to keep up with their children's friends parents !

OK - it IS challenging to stand up to your peers even as an adult BUT you really are in control and you and your child will be much better for it eventually:

When Jess was 7, she attended her Lower School end of term disco party. She was in her party dress and looked like ...... a 7 year old, in a party dress.

Another parent arrived, with her daughter dressed as a "mini-me" with an off the shoulder boob tube and spray on tight trousers. Oh - and make up.

I said nothing (I may have thought several things ... but said nothing). However, this other parent did comment and laughed at Jessica's dress saying something on the lines of "how twee - what a cute party frock - I don't think I have ever dressed x in anything like that" !

Now - children at that age are actually less judgemental and Jess and most of her other friends had little care for designer names etc. because I HAD NEVER INSTILLED THIS IN HER ! So Jess had a lovely party - and had no concern about her "frock"

If I had been less resilient or not had the backbone that thankfully MY parents instilled in me - I may have gone out and bought some fancy inappropriately sexualised clothes for Jessica - I didn't.

90% of what children are doing before the age of 12 will be supervised in some way or another - if they are at school - they don't need a mobile phone - if they are at an after school club or dance/drame/choir/judo practice or WHATEVER - if you are running late or the instructor/tutor needs to get hold of you THEY will have a mobile phone.

TV's in own rooms are a similar challenge - before the age of 10 children should have set bedtimes and not have the temptation of a TV in the room to disrupt their sleep - the bedrooms should be a place of quiet sanctuary (OK ..... mayhem when they are playing in them) They do not NEED a TV in their rooms - and it is far more sociable to have them in the living room with Mum and Dad anyway - sometimes it may mean acquiescing to watch a few Disney or Children's TV but the children also need to learn that sometimes they have to share the TV with the grown ups (heaven forbid!)

Then .... the Internet WHY does a child before the age of 13 need to have any of the social networking accounts ? They need the internet for homework - yes - but they don't NEED their own laptop - IF they feel left out of conversations etc. at school - THEY WILL LEARN TO LIVE WITH IT - and maybe they can persuade others that there is a world out there that does not revolve around a screen in front of their faces!

When my children were little there was a spate of birthday parties that seemed to be getting bigger, more expensive and "flashier" each time and it was definitely beginning to look like competition.

My children were happy to buck the trend - we did a fish and chip supper (from the chippy) and they played games like "the chocolate game" British Bulldog and Stuck in the Mud etc. at home.

3 parents said to me after this particular party how brilliant they thought it was and that their child loved it, as it was SIMPLE - they didn't have to dress them up in costumes or drive somewhere out in the country side for go kart racing or similar (am not knocking go karts - as we have done that and it was brill! - Just that not all the best parties have to cost a fortune or be organised outside of the home)

It was just that I had changed the mindset of this constant "I have to have the best party" syndrome!

HOWEVER - I am going to mention that actually - westernised children generally have good childhoods - they do not have to go out to work as children do in many other countries or deal with wars or inter country conflict.

In the UK many years ago children went out to work early on - think of the boys up chimneys etc. OR even ..... from my Uncle's generation - My late Uncle Fred started an apprenticeship at the age of 14 - that is less than 100 years ago !

So in some ways our children DO have good childhoods that are certainly longer than they used to be - but ultimately - it really is down to the parents.

So for anyone who says how hard it is to allow their child a childhood - PERLEASE .... don't find excuses - DO something about it !

Jury Duty

2013-02-20T12:07:00.000+00:00

Following on from my last post ..... I thought I would write a little about my time on Jury Duty.

As I said in that last post I LOVED it. Beforehand, several people had said to me that they thought it was OK but there was a lot of sitting about and moments of boredom. Perhaps armed with that knowledge and having no expectation helped. I went armed with books and magazines to fill those "boring" moments.

When you get there you register in. Then you do wait around ..... that is possibly the worst bit .... but I even enjoyed this as it meant I could sit with a coffee, read a magazine or chat with fellow jurors who may or may not be on the same case as you ........ and just actually have some ME time .... honestly ..... that's how I kind of viewed it .... not at work .... not running around after children..... not at home thinking I should be doing housework ..... just a coffee and a magazine - HEAVEN !

After an hour or so on that first week they organised the cases and begin to call out names ..... this part could be frustrating for some, as you have turned up and sat around for an hour and if your name is not called you can then go home ....... OR you are asked to come back at 12ish as there may be an afternoon case.

Again, I don't think I would have had a problem with that ..... I was in Luton .... I could have gone shopping or to the Uni Library (I was at Uni then so could have access to the library).

However, my name was called .... and 12 good men and true were ushered into our first case.

I cannot go into the details of the case but it fascinated me .... and the whole process was great! We listened to case details for 3 days ...... (I have to add that I also love the start/breaks and finish times ..... nothing starts till 10am .... an hour for lunch ...... then finish at 4pm !) I went home each day at 4pm and felt really relaxed .... you DO concentrate ..... listen to the things that are "not" said and try to put yourself in that persons shoes BUT it was still so much less stressful than anything else I would normally have been doing.

After 3 days we adjourned to discuss the case and reach a verdict.

NOW .... this will shock many of you who may know me BUT I was fairly quiet during the process. It was interesting to see different "characters" come out ... we had just been studying Belbin's theory (at Uni) around effective management and team roles..... and I was actually keeping myself busy identifying these roles whilst others were establishing their positions ..... geeky I know ..... but fun !!

We elected a chairperson (mainly through each of us giving a short introduction to ourselves and our job roles and experiences) - there were a couple of "loud" characters and when voting it was obvious that these 2 characters were definitely pushing to be chair BUT I think the rest of us could see a quieter but strong personality in an older gentleman (not that much older .... in his 50's) who seemed to have reached a level within his job that would prove to be effective in the role of Chair.

Then we began discussing the case ......... some people had already made up their mind and this was shown when the chair suggested an immediate initial vote ..... finding the chap guilty by 9 to 3. I was one of the 3 ..... I was not convinced by the evidence that he had committed the crime ..... there were too many gaps and even an opportunity for someone else to have done it ..... so, going by the evidence alone, I argued the case for him, along with the other 2.

Our arguments must have been reasonably persuasive .... at the end of day 4 we had reached a swap ... in that there were 8 of us against 4 who still felt he was guilty. The judge called us back in to hear where we were and said he would be satisfied with a majority of 10 to 2 ..... so we went home to consider it all and to return in the morning.

On our return I asked for a couple of "props" .... a lot was riding on whether a bag had been full or empty and whether or not that could be decided from a camera angle on a security dvd we had seen. These props duly arrived and the answer was fairly immediate ..... you could not tell if they were full, half full or even empty ........ 2 of the 4 agreed immediately that the evidence was not convincing enough to convict .... the other 2 were happy that, although we would go back to court stating not guilty ... they had done their bit.

I was pleased that the initial 3 minority voices had been able to give a reasoned argument to see that the evidence was not strong enough ..... I actually had a gut feeling that he may not be innocent .... but the evidence could not prove it and afterwards we were told he was a good worker, no complaints against him, a good family man and no previous record so his character leaned towards his innocence too.

Then we did a very quick afternoon trial .... delivered a verdict on that one fairly easily and went away for the weekend.

It is amazing to find that you build relationships very quickly when on a Jury ..... you are thrown in at the deep end and see a persons belief system and ideology in an intense situation (not allowed out of the room when discussing and no break .... even lunch is brought in for you !)

The second case the week after started out very similarly and we followed the same pattern of an initial vote based on what we had seen and heard .... 10 to 2 Not Guilty .... guess who was in the 2 !!!!

Once again ...we argued the case and presented our reasons for why we felt the way we did ...... after I gave my argument, I had swayed 3 over to the Guilty side ... my partner in crime persuaded another 2 ..... leaving us at 7 to 5 thinking he was guilty.

We left for the day and on our return the next morning .... one of the Jury members was in a dilemma, on leaving court last night she was in the bus queue as the defendant and his "gang" had passed ..... she overheard something and although she would not say what it was... as our instructions are strictly to go with what was seen and heard in court ........ but she could not take back what she had heard, so changed her vote to guilty ..... that was quite powerful and, possibly NOT for the right reasons but 2 more were swayed, leaving it again at 10 to 2 Guilty ...

This time though the judge wanted an 11 - 1 majority, so we had to return to the room and discuss for another couple of hours when finally one of the last 2 agreed that the likelihood of him committing the crime was high.

On this case .... there was very little evidence either way .... it was a mugging and so much of it had to be based on eye witness accounts and character ..... to my mind, much harder.

I came away realising there is no black or white, right or wrong and how hard it must be in murder cases or high profile ones where your decisions could mean a life imprisonment or someone getting away with murder - literally ..... both my cases were fairly minor .... not to those involved I'm sure but minor in the bigger scale of things ...... and who knows if we did make the "right" decisions .....

BUT .... I would do it gain in a heartbeat ..... as I said in my last blog .... if it were a paid job I would apply !

Although I guess the novelty would wear off and you could actually become quite cynical .... hence the way it is done now, is probably the best possible way ...... just please let me get picked again .... SOON !

Court Appearances

2013-02-18T16:43:00.000+00:00

Watching a court drama the other day I hooked on to one of the characters, stating she was terrified of just going into the court ..... let alone giving evidence.

I recalled how my "witnesses" felt a similar fear, when they were due to give evidence on behalf of Mark's "character", for our claim at the Old Bailey.

True ..... the British Courts of Justice in London is quite an imposing building ....... and just the whole formality of the place is intimidating .... but thankfully, even though I am a very anxious person by nature and of a nervous disposition ..... the court atmosphere was not one I was overly concerned about ..... and that was a blessing. as I really could have been in bits due to the circumstances.

I was very lucky as a child, that my grandmother worked at the Bedford Magistrates Court. In fact, I believe when she worked there they had a Crown Court status and tried some big cases.

I used to go and visit her, in her role as Court Usher, and on several occasions was allowed to sit in the public gallery and watch a case unfold. Although I was quite young at the time it was a real education and I knew to sit still and behave impeccably or I would be sent out immediately!

Then when I was older I actually worked in the fines and fees department of Bedford Magistrates Court myself. Sadly, although I thoroughly enjoyed the processes, I did not enjoy my job and did not feel part of the team at the time ..... (they were very "clicky" and I had been bought in to assist someone who did not really want to have assistance so that set me off to a bad start). However, I used to have to pop into court proceedings every now and then to update magistrates with information or to confirm payments were being made regularly etc and I loved all the pomp and ceremony of it !!

So then my worst experience of being in court was of course hearing the sentencing for the boy who killed Mark. He was found guilty of Death by Dangerous Driving but there were mitigating circumstances, so his sentence was reasonably lenient.

This was in the days before they had Victim Support, before they segregated the defence from prosecution clients or witnesses.

In fact we went to the cafe and found ourselves almost next to the lad and his family and friends ..... it could have been a nightmare and it was difficult BUT.......... it was OK .... it was just the way things were back then. Again ..... I did at least have my previous court experiences to alleviate any anxiety about the processes and that made a huge difference for me.

When we went to the Old Bailey I confess, I was actually really excited ... nervous of course about the settlement but genuinely excited to be going to the top court in the land .... I felt quite comfortable in the building, although being respectful of course ... but I had not realised this fear that the whole process was producing in my character witnesses, 3 grown men, genuinely worried about standing in the witness stand.

My solicitor was very used to this reaction and immediately set them at ease by asking for us to visit the actual court room we would be in. I was probably a bit insensitive initially but did notice the younger one (he was about 30 at the time) actually shaking and suddenly realised the impact this whole formal procedure was having on them and how easy it had been for me, thanks to my past experiences.

As it happened the insurance company made a last ditch offer and we did not even have to enter the court room .... the process is that if we settle out of court ..... even by 5 minutes (and it was about 15 minutes) then court costs are hugely reduced ....as an incentive to get as many settlements out of court as possible.

I am so glad my Granny worked in the courts and I had the knowledge and experience of the processes BEFORE having to undergo it, during a time of huge emotional stress...... and my heart goes out to those whom we see leaving the Old Bailey, or any other court, who by the very nature of being there, are already emotional and anxious, without the added concern of the whole intimidating process.

But I have to add ..... and this may be another blog ...... I have also been a Juror and if there was ever the possibility of having professional paid Jurors .... That would be a job I would LOVE ..... I absolutely enjoyed my time as a Juror and would gladly do it again .....

So maybe I'm just a "court geek" and that's probably why I love watching court dramas on TV !

You know you are middle aged when .........

2013-02-13T11:27:00.000+00:00

With apologies to my parents (although when you talk to them they have embraced a second childhood !!!)

Yes .... you know you are middle aged when:

Your brother celebrates his 50th birthday
You find hairs where there just shouldn't be hairs (WTF is it with chin hairs on a woman !!)
Worse still .... they are grey or even white !!!
You take your dog for a walk after a week off (Greg was on holiday and doing this last week) AND ......even though you have only done the mile walk ............your legs are telling you to go home !
You crave your thermal vest in the cold weather

You are a NANA !

You realise that this year is the 30th anniversary of you leaving school
A good night out is actually a good night in !
In April ... your youngest leaves his teenage years behind !!
At an old school reunion you wonder who all these middle aged women are ....... and then look in the mirror
You give up on wearing high heels ..... thank goodness kitten heels are in fashion !
The fashion industry is conspiring against you ..... I'm sure the clothes sizes are getting smaller !!!

BOOBS !!!! What the hell happened to you !!!!!!

Your husband has to ask you to translate at the cinema cos his hearing is dodgy !
Or ... he keeps pausing and rewinding the TV .... "I didn't catch that"
My handbag doubles as a medicine cabinet
After a day at work I come in ... sit down ..... flick on the TV and have a cuppa .... and that is BLISS
You look back in a diary of 10 years ago and think .... how the hell did I fit all that into ONE DAY
You rest in between bits of housework .... no longer hoovering the whole house at a time .... upstairs ..... rest ..........then downstairs !
You would exercise .... but it gives you a headache !

My Brain ...... can anyone tell me where that is ?? Or at least locate my memory .... please ...

On the plus side .....

I love (almost) every minute of it ..... life is too short not to enjoy these intriguing aspects of age!
My husband still loves all of me ... including the wobbly bits
THANK GOODNESS I don't have to exercise like I used to ..... I do the odd bit now and then but my headaches are a great excuse these days !

I LOVE my grandchildren ....... and I can give them back !

I am more confident in many ways .....
I am not a slave to my money ..... my bank manager may not think the same but I don't worry as much !
CONTENTMENT is seriously underestimated ....
Not having to date ..... thank heavens for my DAH !
Not needing to compete with drinking games etc .... I never could hold my drink LOL
Having 3 wonderful grown up children to chat to.

Yep ..... I know I am middle aged .....and am quite enjoying it !

2013-02-09T12:49:00.000+00:00