2 too Many

Four Years and Counting

2016-01-26T16:22:00.001-08:00

My yearly visits to my surgeon seem more like a social call than an appointment. Everything today flowed as it should. I woke up not tired, traffic was minimal, I got to my appointment early and got called early.

Seeing Dr. T is always an adventure, as he is poking me and checking my lymph nodes we begin our odd conversation which started with cell phone charging and ended with why men should NEVER wear bicycle shorts.

I am happy to report that my four year mark is clean and healthy. (Can I get a whoot whoot) Expecting my yearly visits to end next year he informs me that I still have a couple more years of seeing him. What?

Hey if you need me to pop by to amuse you I can bring soup and do a dance, but nope...medical appointment it is. So the "girls" have a couple more years for display purpose. It's because I had triple negative and he doesn't want that beast rearing it's head on his watch. If these appointments keep that nasty C word away then I will visit him every year for however long he wants.

But secretly (not so much any more) I don't mind if they all run like today....as the girls stand proud.

Cancer, Cancer Everywhere

2016-01-19T15:17:00.002-08:00

It has been a long time since I felt the need to express myself through this blog, but once again I find myself drawn to the creative outlet. Why? So much is going on in the world that my issues seem small and selfish.

I'm not sure if it is my age or just the world we live in, but it feels like every time I look at the news or pick up the phone someone is affected by cancer. The last few months, especially December, hit really close to home, with many people close to myself and my family being diagnosed with aggressive forms of cancer or other medical issues. It has really hit me hard. I have realized I am a survivor...a "lucky one".

In my immediate family alone, three out of five of us have had cancer and survived. We have beaten the odds, and no offense universe but it WILL remain that way. We all had/have the moment of "will we live?" but I believe each of us truly believed we would. I'm not saying that there is never a feeling of wondering if it will return, there always is...but as time passes that question rarely comes to light.

How do you get through each day if you do not know what your future holds?

I have said this before and I mean it...I am surrounded by amazing people. For instance, W has been diagnosed with a metastasized cancer and has taken on aggressive radiation. He can feel parts of his body hurting him like it never did before. This is his second battle with cancer and he remains positive and upbeat. He has a beautiful wife, two great children and three grand babies he cherishes. His future is unknown and he lives each day taking baby steps. Others in his situation may be negative or give up, but not W. He was a teacher in professional career and it shows as he continues to teach us how to live while battling a disease. Many people told me I was brave but when I look at W and his challenges, I feel he is the one who is brave and when he doesn't want to be, he has built a support system around him who will take on the fight for him. This is the true testament to his generous nature.

Now I turn my focus to another beautiful soul in my life, L. I have know her for 15+ years. She may be my hairdresser but over the years I have been lucky enough to call her a friend. She has lost a husband in a tragic way, had several severe medical issues, separated from another husband bankrupted her and is a general scum of the earth, and now is awaiting a diagnoses from her biopsy. She is self employed, no children but has a mother who has been through cancer twice and survived. Her mother is her rock, but L is an amazing, giving person on her own. She is already a survivor for what she has been through. While she doesn't have any monetary wealth she has taken the time to know her clients, many of whom care for her as I do. No matter what her biopsy result is, L knows she is loved by many.

Unfortunately, my list of those around me could go on as above and maybe I will continue to share their stories in synopsis format but for now I need to take a step back and acknowledge their positive influences on my life. While I do not see them or have contact with either of them on a regular basis I hope they know how much I think of them.

I guess that is what gets you through each day, knowing that tomorrow is a day worth living for. I remember finding myself staring blankly off into space during my treatments and thinking I am more than a disease, I am strong, I am determined and most of all...I am loved.

Closing the Chapter

2014-12-19T12:58:00.000-08:00

My final surgery is done! I have two boobs that look like a finished product even only two days after surgery. When I look back on the past three years, parts seem to be a blur, others..crystal clear. While I will always be reminded that I had cancer, and won, it will not be who I am as a person.

I am currently standing at a cross road. One journey behind me and a new one to forge ahead on to. What will it be is anyone's guess. Even mine. I am currently unemployed, happy and healing. I am surrounded by people who love me and whom I love back.

While the outcome of this journey is not as I planned, nor could I have predicted, I am looking forward to all the universe has to offer. In a way it has offered me a free pass now I have to decide what to do with it. Watch out 2015, you are MY year.

Getting things done

2014-10-17T05:11:00.002-07:00

I have always been a procrastinator. I discovered I do well under pressure and as a result find myself putting things off to the last minute and then rushing like a mad woman to get things done. I am sure my parents shake their heads and wonder where this trait came from.

My mother can get up and have 20 things done before most people have their coffee. While I can stare at a project thinking "I should get that done" and then think or I could do something else. "Else" wins more often. I look around my house at the many little projects I should do, but have yet to. It is not about having money or time to do them as most do not cost anything and I appear to have time. I would rack it up as lack of interest in doing them.

Now that we are getting later into fall I have no choice but to finish a couple exterior projects. Some will have to wait until spring but it is time to get a move on. So I challenge myself to complete 10 items before Christmas, I would post the list but I don't want you to fall asleep from the lack of thrill they involve.

Maybe next year, I will have a painting party and rally up everyone for a potluck and bring your paint brush to paint the exterior of my house. This way all the procrastinators and proactive people can unite while crossing an item off my list. Who knows maybe some of the productiveness may rub off on me...but don't get your hopes up.

Under the Knife-Part II

2014-10-01T10:32:00.002-07:00

It is hard to believe the summer has gone by so fast, only to realize it is decision time again. Time to decide about my "one up, one down" issue. I was so tired of hospitals and doctors that I wanted the summer away from it, and with the exception of my yearly mammogram I managed it.

So back to see Dr. L who actually has a resident who DID NOT ASK my complete history, only asked more or less as to why I was there. Yeahhh student (I did thank her for this). Forget the gown, let's do this.

He looks at me and agrees I am uneven. He talks a couple of ways to do things and finally I just say (because I'm like that) why dont you put an inplant in the left and one in the right and keep them both up instead of trying to make them look more natural and bring them down. I'm not trying to be Dolly Pardon here but who cares if they look fake. I am happy to have two. I'm ok showing them off.

Really if I am going to do this, let's make them perky and envious. So it has been decided...a bit lower on the right and a small inplant of the left and I should be good to go. For the next ten years at least (inplants do have a shelf life-insert boob humour) and by then I will probably need more of an overhaul anyways. Then I will throw in my eyes and take some fat out of my butt and add it elsewhere. Maybe into someone else who needs it....I could be a fat donor!

So I am tentatively booked for December 17th. As I tried for the last surgery date before Christmas. Now let's see if the OR gods agree..

A difference in time

2014-09-13T04:54:00.001-07:00

I have been doing a lot of reflecting lately. As I sit here this morning, coffee in hand, mellow music playing I began thinking of all of the changes the past year have held for me. Most people do this on New Years, but who am I to follow the norm. I like to create my own path, and that I have.

About a year ago my world was severed in half as my husband and I separated and I wondered what my life held. I am happy to say that through shear power and determination my life a year later is peaceful, happy and I am stronger than ever.

I realized that while people called me brave for battling cancer, I never felt brave. I had no option, I needed to go through the steps and the outcome was not really in my hands. My life over the past year has made me feel brave. I chose every day to move forward. I chose to make decisions that would affect my financial well being. I chose happiness.

I could have chosen to wallow in sadness and shut out the world. Instead I opened myself up to new ideas, adventure and love. And I have received the same back in buckets. I have done things on my own that I am not sure I would have tackled before. I am proud of myself.

Support systems offered me a foundation to be able to build up from, but I feel more myself than I ever have. While I would have preferred not to have had to do what I did, I was left facing a fork in a road at many moments and I am happy that I chose strong, positive choices.

A year in review

Separation
Bought a house
Put on a Christmas party
Chopped Wood
Shovelled Snow...hired a plowing service...fired a plowing service...shovelled snow
Went on vacation
Got comfortable dining out...by myself
Laughed lots
Changed jobs
Tear of sorrow, tears of happiness
Smiled at the smallest moments and held tight to them
Started taking more photos
Gave up caring what others think
Started speaking out
Took a leap of faith
Chose to wake up happy
Love, lots of love
Surrounded myself with positive people
New adventures
New friends, old friends
Surgery, healing
Took back my health
Said no when I didn't want to, without guilt
Enjoyed the quiet moments
Construction
Asked others for help
Stood still

I have always been a strong female, thanks to my mother. Today I feel like I could take on anything and succeed. Tomorrow might feel different, but that's the difference in ME. I don't think about tomorrow. I think about today and how to make each moment count. I am responsible for my own happiness, my own success and my own path. I am excited about the adventures which await me. So with heart in hand, my will and determination I face the fork in the road and walk confidently down the path not caring whether it is the "right one" but will face whatever comes head one.

Thank you for all of my family and friends and fur babies who have helped me over the past year in more ways than you could ever know. You have made me strong enough to walk on my own and for that I am forever grateful. Love to you all.

Playing Catchup

2014-08-29T06:33:00.003-07:00

It feels like a long time since I have sat and collected my thoughts long enough to write a post. Probably because it has! So here goes the "Cole's note" update on what has been going on since my last post:

Tissue expansion completed, only to find out the expander is not a long term option for me as it is already deflating. Another operation will be required to replace the expander with an implant.
I have been occasional pains in my "good" boob and some in my right one as well. It is just scar tissue and massaging it feels good. Although it seems a little odd to be rubbing my own boobs. Looking for a pool boy to do odd job and I don't have a pool...or any money to pay them.
Summer fun has been happening despite the rain, wind and lack of sun. Nothing like camping in the rain and celebrating my birthday with no power thanks to a post tropical storm. We were all set though with a cabin, Coleman stove, fire, alcohol and great company.
Had my yearly mammogram and all is good. Two years down! whoot whoot.
My family doctor has left the country (literally) and I am awaiting a replacement. I have lack of faith in the next one already and they haven't even been appointed
I changed jobs. New people, new environment. It's odd but I am just beginning to settle in and find my role. Moving back to agency life allows for my creativity to flow. Now if I could only get people on board to live in my happy positive bubble my island would not be so lonely.
I met a great guy who likes to do a lot of the same things I do. We go for drives, cook up yummy things, watch cooking shows, and talk until 3am...I must admit I am a smitten kitten.

It's hard to believe it is Labour Day weekend already and the summer has flown bye. What does the fall bring? Doctor appointments, possible surgery, birthdays and lots of laughter. I have not posted any pictures on this blog but I have decided to change that up to give you a glimpse of my summer fun catch up.

Somedays he's pretty perfect

I took up construction

My walk to work

Lobster Time

Music Fun

Harbour Life

What we will do for a photo

Greek Time

Cabin in the woods...before the hurricane

Cooking up a feast

Driving Discovery

Patio time

Girl's Night

Iron man drives the ferry

Gay Pride Parade

Food Truck Festival

Beach Life

We eat well!

Crazy Driver alert

You never know where Batman will show up

Sometimes

2014-06-19T12:29:00.001-07:00

...others find the words you want to say. I found this today while looking through Pinterest and thought...yup...that sums it up

Fun Times

2014-06-13T11:04:00.002-07:00

What happened at 2am?

My mother decided to stretch her legs, slip on my floor and go ahaha...!

By the time I got up out of bed to see what was going on she was already back in bed. Yup, I come by it honestly. Apparently my floors are too slippery and my bed is too high. At least she didn't fall out of bed as that would have really hurt.

The healing process has begun and each day I can see and feel the improvement. I racked up the visitors and enjoyed having my mom and dad around. It is strange having someone else do things for you when you are use to doing them. After a couple of days I started moving more. I pulled off the bandages to see what was created and yes...there it was...I once again had a lady lump. Big Grin!

My back look like it was massacred from the donor site and my other breast looked like a staple gun had been used. I didn't care though as it was the first time in two years I had seen a lump where concave had been. It might be small, bruised and numb...but I will take it any day over the alternative.

It is amazing what a small mound of flesh does for your mental state. I was proud of it and would show anyone who was interested in seeing it or touching it. But dressing it was a whole other story. Wearing a bra was painful as the back strap went across my back incision and the cups kept the breast from moving (which felt good) but the pressure got tiring. I decided bra commando was the way to go. Plus I was still dealing with two drains with very long tubes.

My follow up appointment was only a week after my release. In we all went, I did the automatic register and then one by one we watched the waiting room clear out and fill again; without my name being called. I had been here a couple other times and things always seem to be running on time. I checked with the volunteer who saw my name on the list so I sat and waited...and waited...and waited. After an hour, I thought enough of this and went to the reception desk who told me there was an error with my registration. Grrr could no one have come and found me? I literally got back to the waiting room and was called.

I was lead down to another waiting room where....I waited and waited. I could hear a conversation in the hallway:

Person A: Just go in and ask her questions
Person B: What questions should I ask
Person A: Go through her chart

In walks Person A who introduces Person B and then Person A leaves. I realize poor Person B was just thrown into a situation and it was either sink or swim. Since he apologized and told me it was his first day in plastics, I decided to tell him it was OK and give him some floaters to help him swim. I went through my procedure and told him that today was the day my drains needed to come out. I had three put in after the surgery and one came out before I left the hospital and now it was time for the other two to leave my body for good.

He did his best to scribble notes and left the room....where I waited....and waited....before finally having Dr. L come in. He was persistent that the drains should remain, I was adamant that they were coming out. I am sure you know who was going to win this argument. So out they came. He warned me that if fluid built up I would have to come back and all I said was "I will be all good, been here before". Yes, I'm a saucy annoying patient but I was determined to get them out.

I was informed that my next appointment would be in two weeks when my first pump up would begin. He left the room saying that he would get a nurse to come in and replace my steri strips, but all looked great. So I sat there and waited...and waited...and waited. After 20 minutes I got dressed, walked down the hall and got someone to GIVE me steri strips. I would put new ones on myself. GET ME OUT OF HERE. After 2.5 hours of waiting around I was done.

All I could think of was the pump up appointment and what that would entail, but the song of pump up the jam, would not leave my head. I am such and 80's child.

The Morning After

2014-06-12T09:42:00.000-07:00

Or should I say the continuation. I woke up from surgery around dinner time but the last thing on my mind was food. It was nice to look down and see two lumps, even if they were under bandages. You would think that in a hospital doped up, you would have a nice snooze, but not the case in my situation. Between the lady next to me and myself as well as the party nurse station outside our door, sleep was sporadic to say the least. Someone was either giving me drugs, checking my vitals, looking at my bandages, checking my catheter or doing the same to my roomie.

By morning I had drunk about 2 litres of water and was craving tea and an orange, and low and behold my poppa shows up with just that. Ahh where is mom? She had a slip and fall but is ok and resting. Great. two of us down. I was never so thankful to see an orange in my life, the juice wet my mouth and I was in a happy place. They brought me breakfast but I couldn't eat anything on the tray as I mentioned no dairy when I first checked in...and what did I have. Milk, tea, yogurt and oatmeal. A lot of beige and dairy!

During the day it was a lot of the same as the night before except for a bright spot. Student nurses! I had a great little one who I felt bad for being a model patient as she wanted so much to help. She got me water and ice, fluffed my pillows, and got me drugs! I'm sure if I wanted her to take notes or make phone calls she would have. My roomies student was not as keen so mine took over helping her too!

I had more visitors than I anticipated and when you are in the hospital, people on the outside bring you things...AWESOME things. I had magazines, wet wipes, snacks galore and even got jewelry! My friends rock. My roomie and I shared our treats back and forth but I was the rebel out of the two of us. Mind you, she had the belly surgery so her mobility was up to mine. By the end of day two I had had enough of the compression stockings and those suckers were gone. I was willing to take my chances. I found my leg warmers made my momma and I was good to go. Warm feet and legs and freedom from those awful stockings.

The next morning I did get tisk tisk looks from the doctors but also lots of compliments on my leg warmers, in my world it all evens out. With the getting better also comes them taking out my IV..yeah and catheter. Now you would think I would be excited by the latter, but truth been known I enjoyed not having to get up but yet drink lots of water. Now that lots of water meant attempting to get out of bed and make it to the washroom. It was only 10 steps away but those 10 steps took 20 minutes, so decreasing the liquid consumption began. Had it not been for my external snacks I would have starved as the food that came my way was blech. Until day 3, as I was being released, did the lactose free food start arriving. When you have to ask what the food is...that is a bad sign. I am thankful I was not all that hungry.

The end of day two they decided it was time for me to go for a walk. My student helped me up and we started slowly down the hall. I got to the nurses station and felt like passing out was in my near future so back to bed I went. Not one to give up, later on that evening as my roomies family came to visit, I got myself up and shuffled down to the lounge area. Sat down, called a friend, and shuffled back.

By the next morning the doctors and I agreed I was good to be released! In on Wednesday out on Friday, all good in my world. get me out. Throw my stuff in a suitcase (which my student did) and let's go. I asked for a porter who i know but instead I got Mario Andriette who weaved me through the back alleys of the hospital and I felt like I was going to hit desks and chairs along the way. I already had enough scars and bruises I didnt need any more. Plus I was still on morphine and things coming at you feel like a lot faster than I am sure they are.

Mom and Dad hadn't even had a chance to get the car out of the garage yet and I was at the front being dumped off. One thing I wasn't thinking about was the fact that my parents had brought their very large, very high truck down. The large part was great, but trying to get up and in the vehicle in my delicate state was not the easiest. I felt like I had run a marathon by the time I got in. Thankfully I do not live too far away and bed was my friend once I got home and settled.

My parents were going to stay with me for a bit as well as I was unable to take care of a lot of tasks by myself. So dreamland was only an eyelid shut away....until about 2am.

After the dawn

2014-04-25T17:53:00.004-07:00

It has been four weeks since my surgery and it is had to believe how fast the time has gone. I will try to include as much detail as I can so be prepared there could be several posts to catch up to date. Leave it to me, to make procrastination drawn out longer than it should be.

Mom, Dad and I (aka Momma and Poppa Bear) hunkered down into the hotel the night before my surgery. It was literally a two minute walk and the night was pretty uneventful except for the creepiest parking lot EVER. It is under construction and between the low ceilings and confined spaces I am surprised Dad and I never ran for the elevator.

I had a pretty sound sleep and woke easily and felt like I was almost skipping to the hospital. No snow had yet to come down but it was chilly. We arrived early, as I was with my on time parents as opposed to left to my own devices. The waiting room was filled with an odd mixture of people. The gum snapper...my dad's nemesis, the woman who came in her PJ's (apparently no one told her they supply johnny shirts, the smoker mom who looked chic but needed some aerosol.

The check in line opened up and the race was on. I hung back and waited as people seemed o miss the big sign that said "you will be called according to your surgery time". Not everyone can be the smart ones:)

It felt like forever before my name was called and off we went down the hall to our assigned preop chair #5. Off I went to get changed and then back to wait. Dr. L showed up soon afterwards. Pulled the curtain and proceeded to create a road map on my body with the technically equipment of a couple of sharpie pens and a ruler. Moving and pushing my back and breasts. I am still unsure how he chooses where to draw the dots but I guess that is why he has "Dr" ahead of his name and I don't.

Dr. L leaves, but says he will see me in the operating room in an hour. Then we sit and wait, and wait and wait. Apparently Dr. L left my chart in the wrong area. Good thing the nurses are on the ball. The talk of the room is the impending storm and the snow begins to trickle down. After my vitals and information are confirmed the nurse brings over compression stockings to help with the circulation in my legs and avoid blood clots. Now if you have never seen these things let me begin by saying they are sooooo not sexy. Picture the tension bandages being wrapped from your toes all the way to the top of your legs and I do mean the top. They want your underwear off as I will probably have a catheter due to the length of my surgery.

So here I am in my hospital issued johnny shirt, robe, slippers and compression bandages that make you want to walk far apart so the tops don't ride up into your vajayja. Yup I said it...awkward feeling. I do my "strut" down the hallway and as we pass each operating door I can feel the temperature getting cooler. We arrive at the last room and here we go. I have been waiting two years for this moment and I am ready. The group all make me feel welcome and I get up on the table. The nurse gently pulls down part of my johnny shirt and I look at the nurse and say.."seriously, you are going to see me naked in about two minutes. I don't need to be modest." She laughs and the next thing I know I am being stuck with stickers, pricked with a needle and 5,4,3,2,1...dreamland here I come.

Next stop boob land.

I'm in love

2014-03-25T07:22:00.000-07:00

One day to go and we are expecting "the storm of the winter". I called the plastics office to ensure they had a game plan and sure enough they told me that my surgery would go ahead and not be cancelled. As a precaution, my parents have booked us into the hotel across the street from the hospital. That way all we have to do is make it 500 feet through the snow. Mind you at 100 km/hr winds that might be challenging in itself to walk anywhere, but I have determination.

This morning I actually took a picture of my breast. It is the last "solo" shot for 2014 and if for some crazy reason my surgery doesn't happen I will be heartbroken. Waiting two years for something is a long time that cannot come fast enough. Did I mention the nurses union is threatening striking as well?

I have had lots of people ask if I am nervous or excited and my word is more apprehensive. I am confident in the team of doctors and nurses who will be taking care of me but after the surgery will be the unknown. What will my breasts look like, will I have drains, how much pain will I be in and how long will recovery take. It is a big void of unknown.

What I do know is how much I am loved. Today I have had a flood of well wishes, emails, texts and phone calls. People are excited for me and are sending me thoughts of love. This is the end of my cancer journey and I am happy to be sharing it with those I love and surrounded by those who love me. I am one lucky girl and I'm in love with my life and look forward to my next journey. Whatever that may be.

Love you all
Jenn

So Close

2014-03-14T10:41:00.002-07:00

My surgery date is within sight and I am filled with mixed emotions. Excited to finally put this chapter behind me and nervous about what to expect from the operation. What will the girls look like afterwards and how much pain will I really be in.

I wandered off to my appointment. Well that's a little bit of a lie. It was more like Mario Andretti driving, as my appointment was at 7am and at 7am I was still 5 minutes away from the hospital, not including parking. I called ahead to let them know I was running late and as I run up to the desk to check in I realized I had to sign a piece of paper and then sit down and wait....and wait...and wait...while the receptionists had their coffee break and talked about some personal going ons before waddling their way over to the sign in sheet and then call me.

I handed over my health card for check in and we went through what my morning would look like. Go downstairs to get blood work. See receptionist 1 NOT 2. Then come back up here and wait, then you will see a nurse, anaesthesiologist and get an EKG. Ok was not expecting blood work or an EKG but whatever.

Off I went to the blood collection room to Receptionist 1...who told me to drop my paper and have a seat. So I dropped my paper but apparently I had to go behind a 4' wide wall and sit in those three assigned seats. I came prepared and pulled out my book. I no sooner got through 2 pages and was called in. I explained that she should draw the blood from my left hand not right. Then she tried to find a vein. I explained as she put on the tourniquet that it is easier to draw from my hand, but she was determined to find one in the crook of my arm. She even put on two bands and then gave up and went for my hand...it took me alot not to smirk (I must be growing as a human being). The way she put it in hurt as she had to flick it up to get the blood to flow but I didn't care, just get it done!

Before I knew it I was out of there and back up to wait. Two more pages down and the nurse called me in. We went over my chart and allergies. Are you allergic to latex she asks? No I have issues with the adhesive, paper tape is fine. Ok, she said and made note of it. We went over somethings, like how to care for the dressing and what to bring for the hospital but she couldn't answer a lot of the questions I had and basically would find that out after the surgery. What questions?
1. How many drains will I have
2. Will they be out before I leave the hospital
3. Can you mark that I want my nubbin' gone
4. What prescription will the give me for pain
etc...
The only thing she could inform me is that I will be in pain...A LOT of it. I was prepared for the pain, but didn't need it reiterated.

Out I went to a smaller room and before I pulled out my book I was called in for my EKG. Wrong order but go with the flow. We chatted a bit and then I laid down and she started hooking me up to a variety of wires and even one on my foot. She looks at me and says, you're healthy. Yup!

Get dressed and back out to the waiting room. Pull out my book, finish the chapter and then barely got through the next page and was called by anaesthesiologist, well their resident anyways. Who went through my chart
A: You're allergic to latex?
Me: No, I have sensitivity to the adhesive.
A: What does it do?
Me: Causes blisters over my skin
A: Oh that's bad...
Me: yup!
A: Do you snore?
Me: (pause) Doesn't everyone?
A: Laughs...probably
Me: How would I know, I'm sleeping. (I'm a riot some days)
A: Laughs...good point
A: Do you have sleep apnea
Me: (pause) Let's just go with no
A: Has anyone noticed you stop breathing
Me: Only when they put a pillow over my face....too far?
A: Shakes his head
A: Do you have any caps or crowns.
Me: (I had a line for this but decided to forgo it) No caps and no crowns
A: Open your mouth
Me: What you don't believe me?
A: No I want to see if any of your teeth have spikes to them as the metal depressor can chip teeth
Me: WHAT?
A: I've never seen it happen but I have to forewarn people
A: Do you have problems with drugs
Me: Nope give them to me....drug me up...I'm no hero
A: Ok Ok I will see you on the 26th
Me: Yup Later

I am sure I am the talk of the lunch room after that one....and after 3 hours spent there they tell me I am healthy and ready to go. Really, I could have told you that in about 5 seconds and saved myself the time. Only 1.5 weeks to go:)

Beware of the Elephant

2014-03-05T10:33:00.000-08:00

Some days I wake up perky as can be. Ready to take on the world to the point where someone needs to hit me with a bat. Then there are those other days. Where opening your eyes seems to be as much energy as you want to muster up and then the day just keeps rolling along from there.

My mother calls it "the day when an elephant is on your head". Today I feel like he is on my head and threatening to fart. Trying to be productive at work is not happening (exhibit A, as I sit here writing this) and everyone around me seems to have the winter blahs as well. There is not enough caffeine in the building to make this day move faster.

Today would be a good day to curl up in a blanket on the couch with my book and doze in and out of sleep. I look at the clock and I still have 2.5 hours to go until I can sluggishly make my way to the car, drive home, walk through the door and crawl under my sheets and hope that tomorrow that darn elephant will have found his way back home.

How many more weeks until Spring?

Progress

2014-03-02T08:28:00.003-08:00

So how has progress been going? Like all progress that is sustainable, it is going at a slow pace. I have changed my eating habits and noticed the first thing is that my food bill has gone up, but on the flip side I feel better. I find that my brain isn't racing at 80km/hr every night and just laying in bed and concentrating on breathing sends me off into a peaceful sleep. I have been doing lots of things with friends and my social calendar actually has most evenings booked..very unlike me. So far I would rate my progress as a strong C+ but I have 23 days to go, so this week is about moving into the B's and bringing on my B game.

39 days and counting

2014-02-16T05:30:00.001-08:00

I have a date!...for surgery. March 26th. So between now and then I am focusing on me. Plain and simple. For the next 39 days I am going to concentrate on making the best me (physically) I can. This will not only help me heal faster but give me the confidence but the motivation I have been looking for. I will not be joining a gym and I will be doing this by myself. This is a personal challenge that I have made to myself so excuse me while I disconnect from the world.

My Pledge
1. I will eat healthily. This is not to say that a cinnamon crunch bagel will not make it into my diet, but it will be a reward not a regular thing.

2. I will go on two long walks per week. Consisting of one hour each. These are solo walks where I need to concentrate on moving my feet not chatting.

3. I will attempt to meditate once a week, even if it is for 10 minutes. This is a hard thing for me as turning off my brain is like trying to blow out a battery operated candle.

4. Yoga practice. I can do this at home or at the two studios I belong to and will do it two times per week.

5. When I am feeling blah I need to get up and get on the elliptical machine or do something for 20 minutes, even if it is dancing in my living room...curtains closed:)

I know my friends will want to join me and encourage me but for this time only I am going to decline, this is a personal journey of discovering myself and my strength alone. I will need your help after the surgery and love all of you for wanting to help. I will take your well wishes and even encourage you to take the same journey. I will keep you up to date on my progress....Here I go!

A lump in my throat

2014-01-08T16:21:00.001-08:00

I don't think you ever forget the feeling of finding out you have cancer. The pit that falls to the bottom of your toes and drops out to the end of the earth. The mix of emotions that you and those around you feel and you do everything you can to keep it together, for the most part, but you are happy to be able to fall and have people you can count on when you can no longer stand up on your own.

Where am I going with this? I found a lump!

Now if you just had a pit in your stomach, I am going to have a "spoiler alert" and let you know it is a false alarm.

I started feeling pain about two months ago off and on in my left breast and it gradually kept getting more constant. I thought maybe it was the under wire in my bras and switched to non under wire bras and the pain persisted...and so did I. I felt my breast from top to bottom and if I could have dug my fingers into my rib cage I would have, then the worst thing a breast cancer survivor can find happened...I found a lump where the pain was. I thought that mayyyybeee I was looking for something that really wasn't there but to be on the safe side, I made a doctor's appointment. I also debated on telling my parents but thought no matter the outcome I wanted them to know...no secret rule!

I went to see my doctor who asked me why I had come in. I told him I needed a referral for an urgent mammogram to which he replied "how old are you? you shouldn't need a mammogram yet!"

SERIOUSLY MAN...could you not have "skimmed my file" before you entered the room. So I went through the story, he did a breast examine and yes- he too felt something in the pain spot. After I left my arm was tingling a bit on the left side and I went home and promptly got mad at the world but mainly my x-husband. Not to his face but in my mind...I gave him angry eyes! At the moment I needed a partner most, he was not there. Don't get me wrong I have an amazing support system in my life but there is something about curling up in bed and having your partner tell you everything will be alright no matter what, that can calm you like nothing else.

So I yelled at the walls instead had a slight mental breakdown and then realized, no matter what the outcome was small steps are the way to go. The lump this time felt different, it felt like someone was holding a match to my breast instead of stabbing me like last time. I called the hospital the next
morning to make sure my referral was received and I got an appointment for the next day. Self advocate all the way. Lesson learned.

Sleeping well the night before I took as a good sign that ultimately I should not be concerned and went to the appointment with determination, as this time I knew what to ask and look for. I snuck a peek at the mammogram slides and the technician confirmed she didn't see anything abnormal, but wanted to do the ultrasound to be sure as the spot I was feeling pain was hard to get at.

The radiologist confirmed nothing looked abnormal in my slides and began the ultrasound. Lots of dense tissue, but no "dark fluid pockets" like before. There was one highlighted dot which kept appearing which she summed up as a possible inflamed lymph node or a fatty cyst which had several blood vessels coming off of it which was unusual but nothing to be concerned about.....big sigh of relief.

The report will go back to my doctor after they look at it closer but glad I can breathe a big exhale. The thought of cancer returning is always there and I am vigilant about checking parts of me to the point where I am sure it could be considered self molestation, but I am glad that this year is starting off on the right foot with good news.

2014-- we might just get along!

Out with the old

2014-01-01T05:21:00.000-08:00

Well 2013 is now officially over and it has been a year of turmoil. Needless to say I am happy to kick that year to the curb and look forward to all of the good things 2014 has to bring. Some people choose to make New Years resolutions, which they seem to break or ignore a week in. So as per normal I will not be making any resolutions only a "to do" list for 2014.

1. Concentrate more. In 2013 my brain was a flutter and I found myself staring aimlessly into blank space on many occasions, no alcohol involved. So this year I will take the time to concentrate on things and focus more on tasks ahead.

2. Get my ohm on. I have several friends who do yoga or teach yoga so it only makes sense that I get back into a regular practice. Plus it will help with my flexibility and strength and overall health.

3. Friendship is key. Having girl friends has really helped me this past year. Laughing and being overly silly in a way that only girls understand has brought me lots of joy. I look forward to developing new friendships and maintaining my current ones with my besties. I am grateful for all of you from my sex and the city group to my extended family, you make me smile everyday.

4. Chill. I am a fairly relaxed person and I have relaxed a lot this past year on my "Martha ways". This year I would like to continue the relaxed approach realizing that the small things do not matter as much as the big picture.

5. #4 being said I am making an exception. To do small things for people that can make a big difference for them.

So 2014 is a year of fun, laughter and rebuilding my life. It is the year of the horse so I look forward to jumping on, kicking it in to high gear and galloping off into the unknown.

The bear went over the mountain

2013-12-16T16:27:00.000-08:00

When I was about four I decided to take my Paddington Bear and "climb" up the rungs of my dresser. That brilliant idea got me two black eyes and a dresser on top of me. You would think I could rack that up to lessons learned but I continued to try to climb the mountain, not physically- mentally.

I went to see my surgeon for my second year visit and we have an odd relationship. He is very blunt and matter of fact (just what you want in a surgeon) and I am a no holds barred kind of answer girl.

Dr.T: So I see no ring
Me: Yup
Dr.T: What happened there
Me: Life
Dr T: That happens a lot. So what are you going to do about it
Me: Nothing...yet. I am going to wait until after my surgery
Dr.T: You know you are more than a boob
Me: Yes but it helps to not have false advertising
Dr.T: Shakes his head

Even though I don't count my year two down until the end of March he counts year two from the date of diagnosis...ahhh what's a couple of months.

Lately I have been getting out more and doing lots of things. I have created my girlie dressing room, gone to a fancy martini party and have even ventured on a couple of first dates. I am not ready to venture into the romantic lane just yet but it is great to find out that men still find me attractive and greatly amusing. After having your self esteem pulled down to the bottom of the mountain it makes the climb more of an adventure and taking note of lessons learned. I am looking forward to getting to the top one step at a time. Sunshine mountain here I come!

Girl Time

2013-11-29T17:27:00.001-08:00

Since I have decided to put the world of men on hold temporarily, I thought why not turn to women. Now don't start thinking things, I still like men. Having girlfriends is the best thing. The top 10 reasons why girlfriends are better right now

10. They don't care if I can cook, only that I know where the best cocktails are
9. They can make you laugh until your belly hurts by dumping a tire on their head
8. They will help and even promote you going into the woods during hunting season to chop down trees without an orange vest on as it would ruin your outfit
7. Impractical footwear is a given for any occasion
6. Boy watching is encouraged if not a mandatory event
5. Shopping is one of their favourite activities even if it is at Sobeys
4. Wine over whining is considered fun times
3. They feel your pain over a broken nail or a lost lip gloss
2. They also have bad hair days but have a drawer full of hair products to help
1. Girls, plain and simple, really do just want to have fun

Thank you to my closest besties

Donkey Riding

2013-11-04T16:19:00.000-08:00

Eeek, have you looked around and seen what is out there...to date I mean. It has been a long time since I have been part of the game of the dating world and a lot has changed. Heaven forbid people meet in casual ways, now they want to date and review you on line. The pressure. If I don't have enough body issues currently, add rejection to your profile as another one.

Get back in the saddle again they say, sigh, the saddle seems too high. Maybe I will just sit back and polish the saddle while other go off riding.

Seriously, how do you even begin to THINK about the world of dating. Every time you turn around someone has a story about stalkers or just plain crazies coming out. I am too old to fix anyone and frankly if you have mommy or daddy issues...STAY AWAY. The thought hurts my head too much, I am going to climb into bed, pull the covers over my head and hibernate until spring.

Decisions Decisions

2013-10-09T16:24:00.001-07:00

Over the past month a lot of decisions have been made and my brain power has been maxed out. While my personal life has been in turmoil with my emotions stuck on the biggest roller coaster with way too many loops for me to hold my cookies, my work life has also been chaotic. Wondering whether or not I will be able to afford to keep working at my place of employment or will I have to find a job that pays more. On top of it all work was very busy and longer hours were needed.

I spent most nights coming home, walking my dog (who is always happy to see me) shoving in some food to stop the growlies and going to bed. I felt like I was in a constant state of zombie. Until I woke up one day and thought "alright you" decisions need to be made. I started making small decisions everyday to lead up to the bigger ones, like where was I going to live...kind of important. Stressing out over getting a mortgage on my own and attempting to move on with my life as a single took more courage than facing cancer. With cancer the decisions were really made for me. The decisions I now needed to make were not about life or death but about survival of my mental state.

The first big decision I made was about my body. What did I want it to look like? I stood one day in front of a full length mirror..NAKED! Which any woman knows is intimating on its own. I looked side to side. Tightened and loosened skin and thought what did I want to do about my boob job and what would be best for me. I decided a "lift kit" on the left side would bring the poor tired lonely one back to it rightful place. Right beside her new perky implant friend. Who would be constructed from my back muscle. I would say "so long" to my nubin' and just like that ...one major decision down.

Next I started bringing home boxes to pack up some things of my husbands and asked him to move out the piano that was a bone of contention for the past several years. After that, the decisions just kept rolling.

I woke up one morning, made a cup of coffee and sat on the couch. I started looking around at bare spots where possessions once were lovingly placed and thought..."they are just things". What really matters is that I am going to be alright.

Loosing your best friend

2013-09-08T12:13:00.000-07:00

I said at the beginning of this blog that I would hold nothing back, well I lied. I have been going through something so painful I don't even know where to begin. I am loosing my best friend. My husband and I have separated.

While I will not spread the full details across the internet I will say that at our wedding his mother read a poem about always having enough in your life. I had more than enough in mine, but unfortunately B does not feel the same way and therefore has decided to move on.

I am grateful for the 13 wonderful years we had together, all of the laughter and love, the good times and even the bad. He was my comic relief and I his. I could not have gone through my cancer without his love and support, which is what makes this break so difficult. He is truly my best friend and it is too painful to hold that friendship close at this time in order to heal and move forward in my life.

We built a home and life together and it is hard to imagine that torn apart as it is hard not to see him everyday and tell him funny things that only he would get. Like a Massachusetts license plate. My mother actual put it the best way I can say it. "He loves you, just not enough for the next 30 years".

Please excuse my blog absence while my heart heals.

In a child's eyes

2013-08-23T12:26:00.000-07:00

I am lucky to have the friends I do. Over the years I have "collected" a group who would do anything for me and I them and I love them all in different ways...but I must admit there are two "little people" who have stolen my heart.

I always thought I would have children or at least a child, but the laws of the universe decided otherwise for me. I have friends who have children and I have seen the good and bad sides of all of them. I am like an aunt who gets to go home at the end of the night when they are wound for sound and eyes all sleepy. So one could say I get the best of both worlds.

Connecting to girls was easy as I have been there and even though in times of ever changing technology, girls still like the same things. They like to be heard, preened over and generally loved with hugs and kisses. I have never been quite sure what to do with little boys though. I am not the rough and tumble sort and I have always been unsure of what to talk to them about.

So where am I going with this?

I have two friend R & J who have two children M & K. They are by no means perfect (sorry guys for that update!) but they are real and true to the core. R would get into trouble with me and never let our secret out -unless someone threatened her with bugs. J is a great house husband and someday we will get him books to learn how to expand that talent. Their daughter M is the best mix of girls gone wild and tomboy all rolled into one. She is part fish and part drama queen. K is the little avenger who has the biggest smile and tackle you hugs. He is a boy's boy through and through.

Every time I go to their house chaos has arrived before me(Yes, every time!). With a cat on death watch (for the past 10 years) and noise and toys from one end to the other, I never feel more at home when I am there. Whether it is playing in the pool, or howling at rock band (Death Pants is now on Mall tours), hanging out watching comedy shows or playing nerf darts to the death life is always fun. It might also have to do with the wine.

They may not be the perfect family but they are pretty perfect in my eyes. And lets face it, each time I arrive the kids run out the door or down the stairs to greet me, with their arms open wide for big hugs over the excitement that you have arrived. We always joke about the fact that if R & J ever died I would take the kids in a heartbeat....and I gladly would after all when you ask K what he is doing and he says "I want to give you a hug" with his 1000 watt smile...really...how could you ever say no?

Personal Boundaries

2013-08-13T12:39:00.002-07:00

I have been waiting for my meeting with the Plastic Surgeon for what feels like FOREVER. So you would think I would be bright eyed and ready to go for my 8:10am appointment...well you would be wrong. I had trouble shaking the cobwebs from my brain and caffeine was not helping them. I rushed through the shower only to realize I was already running late. I am sure I committed about 20 traffic violations, plugged all of my change into the meter and ran like a mad women to his office. I literally sat down to catch my breathe at 8:20am and was immediately called in.

She was worried I was going to cancel and I was worried the police were on my tail from the Subaru I wanted to "cautiously bump". I was asked to fill out a form, which looked very familiar to others I had filled out, but hospital departments do not share. Next comes in intern A looking very young. He asks some basic questions like "When was your mastectomy". Half way through our conversation I realized I had skipped a year and it had been two years since my surgery...I guess time is moving along. He handed me a Johnny shirt (ties forward) and left to go consult with Dr. L. I got changed and got up on the examination table.

I looked at my toes and decided I needed a pedicure, probably should have shaved my legs, decided that if I grew 2 more inches my feet would actually touch the step stool...and where the hell were they. Next thing I know in pops Dr L who introduces himself along with intern A and low and behold intern B! Dr L asks if I mind another intern and I am thinking that at this point the janitor could come in and I wouldn't care.

Dr L directs me towards the chair and Intern A and B sit on the examination table...I guess I should have done up the Johnny shirt as everyone is getting comfy. Dr L goes through 3 options which he believes would suit my case best.
Option A: Expander Implant (stick in a blow up balloon and fill it up over time)
Option B:Latissmus Dorsi Flap (Take a muscle from my back which apparently I rarely use and bring it forward and add an implant in to make the breast)
Option C: Tram Flap ( tummy tuck and boob in one)

I asked how many times he had made the spiel, with the interns snickering and Dr L smiling. "A lot" was his response...can't fool me. I figure if you are going to check me out I had better make sure you are my guy.

Each option has their pros and cons but Option B sounds best to me for my right side now what to do about the existing left side? I think it is odd that making the decision about what procedure to get with my right breast was easy but what to do with my existing breast is difficult.

Do I do a skin/nipple sparing surgery and have an implant put in. Do I get a mastectomy and make them even and get rid of any possible reoccurrence, or do I leave well enough alone. I have a bit of time to make this decision so I will weigh all of the options in my mind and come up with a plan. So stay tuned on that one. Next came the sizing option, did I want bigger, smaller or current size. I decided my current size has done me well thus far so I guess I will continue.

Now came the examination part. If you ever had a fantasy about three men at the same time...then don't look now but it was not what you would imagine. I was lifted touched, maneuvered, described...had pictures taken of from all angles including showing my belly fat and nipple placement. Sexy oh yeah. What I did discover was that I have good nipple placement (you should have seen me when I had two..ahem) and not enough belly fat (stop, you will make me blush..but can you tell my pants that).

I was then given the opportunity to get dressed and ask if I had any questions or wanted to see pictures of other patients. I decided that for now I need to make up my mind based upon what is right for me as opposed to letting vanity take its course of worrying about scar lines.

Now I need to see my surgeon and have a left breast talk and then make my decision...yikes! I can't wait until I can show them off...watch out wet t-shirt contests!