2MB Community Radio

The Answer Was 'Peter Allen'

2009-10-01T10:30:00.003+10:00

NEWSFLASH!

David Arquette's correct guess of Hugh Jackman's impersonated identity on Hugh Goes There has cost the station more than $20 million dollars in prize money.

As a consequence, station owner and local massage oil tycoon Ellen Degeneres has announced 100% cutbacks in all station expenses, including this blog.

2MB Community Radio - starting now!

The Ten Million Dollar Man

2009-09-26T09:51:00.003+10:00

The identity of Hugh Jackman's impersonation on the number one rating quiz show Hugh Goes There remains a mystery, with incorrect guesses this week driving the ever-doubling prize pool above the $10,000,000 mark (plus 524,288 free spinal adjustments - approximately thirty years of non-stop chiropracterisation).

Station owner and massage oil tycoon Ellen Degeneres has met with co-Mayors Affleck and Leoni in a 'last ditch' attempt to avoid financial meltdown.

"The council will do everything it can to support Ms Degeneres in this looming local financial crisis," said co-Mayor Leoni, while a bleary-eyed co-Mayor Affleck looked on. "If Ms Degeneres goes down, we all go down."

When asked for comment, 2MB Community Radio station manager and permanent guest-in-residence of Ms Degeneres, Portia De Rossi simply stated that she 'couldn't imagine' Ms Degeneres going down.

"Not in a million freakin' years."

2MB Community Radio - doublin' your entendre!

Hello Darkness, My Old Friend

2009-09-20T11:38:00.004+10:00

Tonight, on Tori's Spelling, 'Silent Letters: Is It Time For Their Voice To Be Heard?'

Regular host (and award-winning landscape gardener) Tori Spelling will conduct a phone poll on the standing of silent letters and whether or not they should be allowed to be spoken freely.

Callers are asked to 'Vote 'No' to condem-N silent letters to further suppression

or vote 'Yes' if you believe they've paid their de-B-t'.

2MB Community Radio - take your poll position

Doctor, Doctor, Give Me The News

2009-09-15T09:23:00.006+10:00

Scandal at this year's Medical Practitioner of the Year Awards, as Dr Ioan Gruffudd's acceptance speech for 'Best Removal of a Wart, Verucca, Papula Or Other Prominent Skin Blemish In A Non-Anaesthetised Surgical Procedure' was interrupted by co-Mayor Ben Affleck.

"Not dissing you, Dr Gruff," said the co-Mayor. "But Dr Cross totally zapped a mole off my cheek in one of the greatest surgical procedures of all time." He then pointed to his right cheek and defied anybody to spot even 'the faintest remnants' of a scar.

Dr Cross later explained in her own acceptance speech ('Tidiest Operating Theatre') that the co-Mayor's mole had been on his left cheek and 'not his facial one either', which prompted a further unwelcome interruption by co-Mayor Affleck which, while confronting and eye-opening, did confirm the presence of a small scar.

The co-Mayor then celebrated by stage-diving into the nearest tables, spilling trout soup all over Dakota Fanning.

2MB Community Radio - plans to serve light beer next year.

Hear This, Hear This!

2009-09-10T11:00:00.002+10:00

Local semi-retired architect Paul McCartney has reported that his new digitally-remastered hearing aid is 'frankly, a bit of a disappointment'.

"Sure," he said. "Everything sounds a lot clearer. Words are crisper. Sharper. More nuanced. But, let's face it, most people are still talking a lot of crap."

In related news, Madame Kidman's stint on breakfast radio has been extended yet again after regular host Jake Gylenhaal became covered in painful boils and welts. Still denying his show Fast! Break! is cursed, Mr Gylenhaal promises to return as soon as he can guarantee he won't ooze pus all over the broadcast console.

2MB Community Radio - take it easy, oozey

Time To Split

2009-09-05T09:15:00.004+10:00

On this afternoon's edition of Kelsey's Grammar: Infinitives - To Boldly Split, Or Not?

With a side-discussion on the number of infinitives and why it is so totally not infinite.

Special guest: The surprise new host of upcoming spin-off show Tori's Spelling

2MB Community Radio - English, motherfreaker, do you speak it?

Panic Station

2009-08-27T10:59:00.003+10:00

Station manager and permanent guest-in-residence of station owner and massage oil tycoon Ellen Degeneres, Portia De Rossi has urged on-air talent 'not to panic' over Hugh Jackman's recent rogue behaviour.

"Yes," she said. "Hugh has refused to reveal the identity of his impersonation (on his smash hit show Hugh Goes There?) to the board. And, yes, the prize pool for the first caller to guess the identity is now $655,360 (plus 32,768 free spinal adjustments) and doubling every week. Obviously, this is putting an enormous strain on the financial viability of the station. However, we remain confident that somebody will guess Hugh's identity soon and the business of running this radio station will return to normal. Until then, however, we are announcing an immediate wage cutback of 150%."

Ms De Rossi then passed the bucket around, yielding a 'disappointing' $4.50 and a half-packet of M&M™s.

2MB Community Radio - Don't Panic (see previous post)

While My Dirk Gently Weeps

2009-08-22T15:37:00.004+10:00

Last night on Brooke's Books, your regular host and local Deputy Librarian Brooke Burke discussed the Hitch-Hiker's Guide To The Galaxy Trilogy In Five Parts by Douglas Adams. She was joined by Constable Michael Rourke, who, in between remarking how he could 'never get the hang of Thursdays' and reassuring everybody he knew where his towel was, also stressed to local teens that, while it may be fine elsewhere in the universe, 'thumbing a ride' in this town would earn you a one-way trip to 'the crowbar hotel'.

"And you don't need a brain the size of a planet to know that," he concluded, before spoiling it all with a final, wayward 'live long and prosper'.

2MB Community Radio - finds this all very improbable

Who(m) Cares?

2009-08-16T12:09:00.003+10:00

Tonight on Kelsey's Grammar, 'If We Have Both Who and Whom, Why In Blazes Can't We Have Whym?'

Tune in from 9:30 pm for spirited and grammatically sound debate.

2MB Community Radio - mmmmmmm

Copping A Caine-ing

2009-08-11T09:52:00.003+10:00

Local osteopath Heather Mills of 'Twist and Shout Osteopathy' has urged townfolk to 'be much more methodical' in their ongoing attempts to unravel the local personality who Hugh Jackman is impersonating on his massively successful game show Hugh Goes There.

"There's a lot at stake," said Ms Mills. "If his identity isn't unravelled this week, I'm up to 4096 free spinal adjustments [as her part of the prize pool]. That's one a day for more than the next ten years! And I swear, if I hear one more caller guess Michael Caine [of Caine Family Butchers], I'll go mental. He sounds nothing like Michael. Nothing at all. Get with the program, people!"

In related news, semi-retired local architect Paul McCartney has vowed to 'just keep on guessing Michael Caine until Hugh admits that's who he's doing. Or until Heather's forced to perform free spinal adjustments every minute of every day for the rest of her life. Whichever comes first'.

2MB Community Radio - would recognise that Cockney accent anywhere

Catfight!

2009-08-06T09:34:00.005+10:00

NEWSFLASH!

Mediators have been called in to resolve the latest flare-up between Dakota Fanning and Abigail Breslin, which erupted during the call-in section of One Hundred Minutes With Rick Moranis last night during what was supposed to be a discussion over the new synagogue seating commissioned by Rabbi Gibson.

Miss Fanning claimed that Miss Breslin had deliberately sullied her good name with malicious comments during the first episode of her new show A Currency Affair. Miss Breslin denies the claims, pointing out that the only thing she'd ridiculed during her show was a pataca-florin currency swap.

"Exactly," said an enraged Miss Fanning. "Read between the lines. 'Pataca Florin'. 'Dakota Fanning'. It's virtually the same thing."

While both station management and Constable Rourke agree that Miss Fanning may well have 'gone off the deep end' with this complaint, they also can't disguise its awesome ratings potential. The girls will therefore debate the matter on a special episode of Tenacious D-Bate tonight from 8pm. Don't miss it!

2MB Community Radio - still wondering how one could describe the 'pataca-florin' currency exchange as a 'stuck up little bitch who has no friends and who is failing math.'

Ancient Greece's Got Talents

2009-08-01T10:19:00.004+10:00

With the fallout from Hugh Jackman's identity-guessing quiz show Hugh Goes There reaching worrisome levels (now $40,960 and 2048 free spinal manipulation sessions at Twist and Shout Osteopathy for the first person to guess who Hugh is impersonating), 2MB Community Radio has rushed into production a thrilling new quiz show A Currency Affair.

The new show, hosted by local mathematical whiz-kid Abigail Breslin, challenges listeners to come up with optimal currency swaps on the international markets. Winners get an authentic 2MB Community Radio cap and the self-satisfaction of knowing that the station stays on the air for another few hours.

On tonight's opening show - a Macanese pataca-Aruban florin swap!

2MB Community Radio - keepin' it (Cambodian) riel!

Health Hath No Fury

2009-07-27T12:04:00.004+10:00

On tonight's episode of Tenacious D-Bate, your regular host and local fishmonger Jack Black will host a three-pronged debate on town health. On one prong will be local physicians Dr Ioan Gruffudd and Dr Marcia Cross, who will be arguing that Co-Mayor Leoni's 'Apple A Day' policy is no substitute for regular, semi-reasonably priced visits to one's trained medical specialist.

Countering this will be Heather Graham, sole proprietor of the 'Fruit and Vege(on your)table' store who thinks this initiative is a boon to the community and a valuable boost to the bottom line, especially following the failure of her most recent attempts to relaunch her radio career (Heather Meets Graham and Where Oh Where Is My Underwear?). She'll be joined by Madame Kidman who argues that Mother Earth is the source of all wellness. But not 'the well of all sauciness'.

The final prong in this triple debate will be local pharmaceutical representative Tom Cruise, who argues that a perfectly mixed cocktail of vitamin supplements and bio-enhancement exo-pills will instantly render all one's health problems obsolete. He will be joined by Bryan Brown (of Bryan Brown's Small Business Hour, here on 2MB Community Radio, Saturdays at 2pm) for an impromptu, yet highly choregraphed, demonstration of optimal cocktail-mixing techniques.

2MB Community Radio - for goodness sake

Vowel Movements

2009-07-21T13:59:00.005+10:00

Jake Gylenhaal, resident wit on I'm Sorry, I Don't Know How To Improvise, and the host of the all-new breakfast show Fast! Break! has laughed off suggestions that town psychic Madame Kidman's infamous curse on her timeslot replacement has taken hold.

"Hnftl," said Mr Gylenhaal. "Thz tng wltz cd hv cb frb nywrrrr."

(Translation: Honestly, these tongue welts could have come from anywhere)

Despite Mr Gylenhaal's upbeat attitude and all-round pluck, however, station management has put Fast! Break! on hiatus, 'just until the swelling goes down'. Also, they have asked local physician Dr Ioan Gruffud to confirm, 'for certain' that the blemishes on Mr Gylenhaal's skin are not a precursor to him turning into a frog.

Madame Kidman's infamous predictive traffic tarot reports will return tomorrow, from 6 am.

2MB Community Radio - coises!

Hugh Are You?

2009-07-16T10:39:00.002+10:00

The cash prize pool for the town's favourite game show Hugh Goes There has now reached an amazing $10,240 (plus 512 free spinal manipulation sessions at Twist and Shout Osteopathy).

Local real estate appraiser and man of one hundred and forty-four voices Hugh Jackman continues to baffle the entire town with his mystery impersonation of a community personality. Can you guess who Hugh is doing? Or will the prize pool double once more?

In related news, Naomi's What? has been cancelled, following revelations that her 'mystery object' had to be put down after an erroneous worming tablet mishap. David Arquette apologises to all fans of the program, but argues that he couldn't 'possibly have known that the tentacles would react in that way'.

2MB Community Radio - gross

There Must Be An Angel

2009-07-04T17:00:00.004+10:00

STATION ANNOUNCEMENT

BUSINESS FOR SALE: Farrah's Faucets - would suit up and coming plumber's apprentice. All reasonable offers considered.

2MB Community Radio - tap-a tap-a tap-a

Blum-in Heck!

2009-06-29T13:39:00.004+10:00

Amy Sedaris, host of 2MB Community Radio's regular gossip segment So Said Sedaris (every hour, on the hour after the composting recap), has apologised to Mr Jeff Goldblum, a local helium balloon designer, for reporting that he had fallen off a cliff while holidaying in New Zealand last week.

"It was completely untrue," said Ms Sedaris. "A grave mistake on my part. I should have checked my sources before just blurting out the rumour on air. I've spoken to Mr Goldblum and he's confirmed that he wasn't even in New Zealand at the time and, if he had been, he'd certainly have been nowhere near a cliff. And, even if he was, he has an uncannily stable centre of gravity for such a tall man and would never fall. And, even if he did, the helium balloons..."

Ms Sedaris also revealed that she'd apologised to station management and vowed never to allow a repeat of such an incident to take place.

"Although," she added shortly thereafter. "Has anybody seen Dakota recently?"

2MB Community Radio - fly, Goldblum, fly!

Brass Monkeys

2009-06-25T12:05:00.003+10:00

On tonight's edition of Brooke's Books, your regular host and town deputy libarian Brooke Burke will discuss John Le Carre's The Spy Who Came In From The Cold.

Joining her will be local physician, Dr Ioan Gruffudd, who is on record as 'strongly agreeing' with the message of avoiding excessively cold weather, especially during flu season. Also on the show will be Faith Ford, from the hit show Model F Ford (Tuesday and Fridays, 10am to noon right here on 2MB Community Radio), who will be discussing scarfwear for those who must venture outside in the icier months.

2MB Community Radio - accursed axial tilt!!

Case Dismissed

2009-06-21T08:17:00.004+10:00

NEWSFLASH!

Heather Mills' attempts to terminate her contract with 2MB Community Radio's smash hit radio show Hugh Goes There? (featuring the impersonation talents of local real estate appraiser Hugh Jackman) has failed.

Ms Mills, Chief Osteopath at 'Twist and Shout Osteopathy', argued that when she took over the business and secured the rights to offer a prize for Mr Jackman's show, she had no idea the doubling prize pool would lead so quickly to trouble. "Frankly, exponentiation does my head in," she said, before going on to claim that her current contribution to the prize pool of 64 free spinal manipulation sessions was 'already ridiculous' and 'bound to get worse before it got better'.

Judge Downey dismissed her claims, however, pointing out that the contract was 'disappointingly straightforward' and that, clearly, Ms Mills 'did not have a leg to stand on'.

At which point Ms Mills ex-husband and semi-retired local architect Paul McCartney had to be ejected from the courtroom for 'out of control sniggering'.

2MB Community Radio - would probably snigger a little too

I'm Game

2009-06-12T10:02:00.004+10:00

On tonight's special episode of Bryan Brown's Small Business Hour, your regular host Bryan Brown speaks to 2MB station manager (and permanent guest-in-residence of station owner and massage oil tycoon Ellen Degeneres) Portia De Rossi.

In this four hour long discussion, Ms De Rossi explains her stunning new direction for the station:

"Game shows!! Sure, Where Oh Where Is My Underwear? with Heather Graham didn't excite listeners, but we have high hopes for Ex? Why? in which freelance security guard John Stamos will invite listeners to guess why local couples have decided to go their separate ways. Also, we're extremely excited by Naomi's What? in which listeners will be invited to guess which of her possessions local driving instructor Naomi Watt is holding. If you love Hugh Goes There?, and let's face it, everybody does, you'll love Naomi's What?"

When quizzed on how she plans to counteract the potential problem of the ever-doubling prize pool on Hugh Goes There? (now $160 in cash and 8 free sessions at Twist And Shout Osteopathy), Ms De Rossi explained that as long as ratings and advertising continue to double in line, there should be no problem.

2MB Community Radio - I guess 'When' will be next.

Negligible Interest

2009-06-08T10:37:00.003+10:00

Local fruiter Heather Graham's quest for a return to breakfast radio met another setback this week with her proposed new show Where Oh Where Is My Underwear? slammed in local street polls. Examples of feedback included:

"Absolutely disgusting. Isn't it about time Miss Graham started wearing all her clothes every time she went out in public? Yes, even at (local kebab shop) Dennehy's!" - local Rotary Club secretary Shannon Doherty.

"I don't, y'know, mind the idea of Heather wearing no underpants. That's kinda hot. But isn't this radio?" - Brad Garret, Deputy Choreographer, Town Enthusiastic Dancing Society.

"They're probably in her intimates chiffonier. Or her laundry hamper." - Lorne Michaels, owner of The Local Lorne-dro-mat.

Miss Graham, disappointed by the criticism of the proposed show, has vowed to not give up and has reportedly put her 'thinking cap' back on. Her 'thinking panties' remain frustratingly absent.

2MB Community Radio - misses Heath too

No Cause For Concern

2009-06-03T13:02:00.005+10:00

On last night's episode of One Hundred Minutes With Rick Moranis, 2MB Community Radio station owner and town massage oil tycoon Ellen Degeneres revealed she was not worried about the ever-growing prize pool for real estate appraiser Hugh Jackman's ratings-smashing game show Hugh Goes There.

"It is true that the prize pool will reach $320 in cash and 16 free sessions at Twist And Shout Osteopathy this Friday should nobody guess the local identity who Hugh is impersonating," conceded Ms Degeneres. "But that's not enough to concern me. Despite the doubling effect [High School Head of Mathematics] Mr Clooney keeps banging on about, I'm not worried. Sooner or later somebody will unravel Hugh's impression."

Ms Degeneres also revealed that Mr Jackman has vowed to maintain 100% secrecy throughout the span of the game show. "'Mum's the word', apparently," she revealed.

In unrelated news, local morticians Florence Henderson, Marion Ross and Meredith Baxter Birney have all been ruled out as possible solutions.

2MB Community Radio - if you can't trust the town billionaire who can you trust?

Make Me An Offer

2009-05-30T13:14:00.005+10:00

On this week's edition of Pinching Penny, your host (local frugality expert and former financial powerbroker) Penny Marshall offers exciting and inspired tips on how to make extra cash by holding garage sales.

Penny's keys to garage sale success?

location (ie, your neighbour's house and belongings) and
timing (ie, when he's spending a weekend in the mountains)

Also, pyramid schemes! They're not just for Egyptians any more.

2MB Community Radio - covet thy neighbour's second-hand goods

Double Or Nothing

2009-05-22T11:44:00.005+10:00

As local real estate appraiser Hugh Jackman's identity-guessing show Hugh Goes There completes its second week with still nobody having guessed which local identity Hugh is impersonating, local Head of the High School Mathematics department George Clooney has expressed grave concerns about the automatically doubling prize pool.

"I am gravely concerned about the automatically doubling prize pool," said Mr Clooney. "Sure, this week it's just $80 in cash and 4 free sessions at 'Twist and Shout Osteopath'. But in a few short weeks it will be $10,240 and 512 free sessions. And not long after that it will be $10,485,760 and 524,288 free sessions. And let's face it, nobody's back pain is that bad."

2MB Community Radio - exponents of inaccurate guessing

X Marks The Spot

2009-05-17T08:23:00.005+10:00

Tune in tonight for a special repeat airing of the smash hit new quiz show that has the town talking. Hugh Goes There stars local real estate appraiser and 'Man of One Hundred And Forty-Four Voices' Hugh Jackman.

Laugh along with Hugh as he calls unsuspecting local housewives and nursing homes and invites them to guess... Hugh (or 'who') Goes There. And remember, if contestants can't guess the identity of the community personality that Hugh is impersonating then, each week, the prize pool doubles!

Next week, contestants on Hugh Goes There will be playing for $40 in cash and two sessions at 'Twist and Shout Osteopathy'. Will you be the one who unravels Hugh's secret identity? (Remember, Co-Mayor Affleck, Deputy Co-Mayor Damon, Rabbi Gibson, Madame Kidman and Jack Black's favourite trout 'Gilly' have all been ruled out.)

2MB Community Radio - huge!