2MB Community Radio

There Must Be An Angel

2009-07-04T17:00:00.004+10:00

STATION ANNOUNCEMENT

BUSINESS FOR SALE: Farrah's Faucets - would suit up and coming plumber's apprentice. All reasonable offers considered.

2MB Community Radio - tap-a tap-a tap-a

Blum-in Heck!

2009-06-29T13:39:00.004+10:00

Amy Sedaris, host of 2MB Community Radio's regular gossip segment So Said Sedaris (every hour, on the hour after the composting recap), has apologised to Mr Jeff Goldblum, a local helium balloon designer, for reporting that he had fallen off a cliff while holidaying in New Zealand last week.

"It was completely untrue," said Ms Sedaris. "A grave mistake on my part. I should have checked my sources before just blurting out the rumour on air. I've spoken to Mr Goldblum and he's confirmed that he wasn't even in New Zealand at the time and, if he had been, he'd certainly have been nowhere near a cliff. And, even if he was, he has an uncannily stable centre of gravity for such a tall man and would never fall. And, even if he did, the helium balloons..."

Ms Sedaris also revealed that she'd apologised to station management and vowed never to allow a repeat of such an incident to take place.

"Although," she added shortly thereafter. "Has anybody seen Dakota recently?"

2MB Community Radio - fly, Goldblum, fly!

Brass Monkeys

2009-06-25T12:05:00.003+10:00

On tonight's edition of Brooke's Books, your regular host and town deputy libarian Brooke Burke will discuss John Le Carre's The Spy Who Came In From The Cold.

Joining her will be local physician, Dr Ioan Gruffudd, who is on record as 'strongly agreeing' with the message of avoiding excessively cold weather, especially during flu season. Also on the show will be Faith Ford, from the hit show Model F Ford (Tuesday and Fridays, 10am to noon right here on 2MB Community Radio), who will be discussing scarfwear for those who must venture outside in the icier months.

2MB Community Radio - accursed axial tilt!!

Case Dismissed

2009-06-21T08:17:00.004+10:00

NEWSFLASH!

Heather Mills' attempts to terminate her contract with 2MB Community Radio's smash hit radio show Hugh Goes There? (featuring the impersonation talents of local real estate appraiser Hugh Jackman) has failed.

Ms Mills, Chief Osteopath at 'Twist and Shout Osteopathy', argued that when she took over the business and secured the rights to offer a prize for Mr Jackman's show, she had no idea the doubling prize pool would lead so quickly to trouble. "Frankly, exponentiation does my head in," she said, before going on to claim that her current contribution to the prize pool of 64 free spinal manipulation sessions was 'already ridiculous' and 'bound to get worse before it got better'.

Judge Downey dismissed her claims, however, pointing out that the contract was 'disappointingly straightforward' and that, clearly, Ms Mills 'did not have a leg to stand on'.

At which point Ms Mills ex-husband and semi-retired local architect Paul McCartney had to be ejected from the courtroom for 'out of control sniggering'.

2MB Community Radio - would probably snigger a little too

I'm Game

2009-06-12T10:02:00.004+10:00

On tonight's special episode of Bryan Brown's Small Business Hour, your regular host Bryan Brown speaks to 2MB station manager (and permanent guest-in-residence of station owner and massage oil tycoon Ellen Degeneres) Portia De Rossi.

In this four hour long discussion, Ms De Rossi explains her stunning new direction for the station:

"Game shows!! Sure, Where Oh Where Is My Underwear? with Heather Graham didn't excite listeners, but we have high hopes for Ex? Why? in which freelance security guard John Stamos will invite listeners to guess why local couples have decided to go their separate ways. Also, we're extremely excited by Naomi's What? in which listeners will be invited to guess which of her possessions local driving instructor Naomi Watt is holding. If you love Hugh Goes There?, and let's face it, everybody does, you'll love Naomi's What?"

When quizzed on how she plans to counteract the potential problem of the ever-doubling prize pool on Hugh Goes There? (now $160 in cash and 8 free sessions at Twist And Shout Osteopathy), Ms De Rossi explained that as long as ratings and advertising continue to double in line, there should be no problem.

2MB Community Radio - I guess 'When' will be next.

Negligible Interest

2009-06-08T10:37:00.003+10:00

Local fruiter Heather Graham's quest for a return to breakfast radio met another setback this week with her proposed new show Where Oh Where Is My Underwear? slammed in local street polls. Examples of feedback included:

"Absolutely disgusting. Isn't it about time Miss Graham started wearing all her clothes every time she went out in public? Yes, even at (local kebab shop) Dennehy's!" - local Rotary Club secretary Shannon Doherty.

"I don't, y'know, mind the idea of Heather wearing no underpants. That's kinda hot. But isn't this radio?" - Brad Garret, Deputy Choreographer, Town Enthusiastic Dancing Society.

"They're probably in her intimates chiffonier. Or her laundry hamper." - Lorne Michaels, owner of The Local Lorne-dro-mat.

Miss Graham, disappointed by the criticism of the proposed show, has vowed to not give up and has reportedly put her 'thinking cap' back on. Her 'thinking panties' remain frustratingly absent.

2MB Community Radio - misses Heath too

No Cause For Concern

2009-06-03T13:02:00.005+10:00

On last night's episode of One Hundred Minutes With Rick Moranis, 2MB Community Radio station owner and town massage oil tycoon Ellen Degeneres revealed she was not worried about the ever-growing prize pool for real estate appraiser Hugh Jackman's ratings-smashing game show Hugh Goes There.

"It is true that the prize pool will reach $320 in cash and 16 free sessions at Twist And Shout Osteopathy this Friday should nobody guess the local identity who Hugh is impersonating," conceded Ms Degeneres. "But that's not enough to concern me. Despite the doubling effect [High School Head of Mathematics] Mr Clooney keeps banging on about, I'm not worried. Sooner or later somebody will unravel Hugh's impression."

Ms Degeneres also revealed that Mr Jackman has vowed to maintain 100% secrecy throughout the span of the game show. "'Mum's the word', apparently," she revealed.

In unrelated news, local morticians Florence Henderson, Marion Ross and Meredith Baxter Birney have all been ruled out as possible solutions.

2MB Community Radio - if you can't trust the town billionaire who can you trust?

Make Me An Offer

2009-05-30T13:14:00.005+10:00

On this week's edition of Pinching Penny, your host (local frugality expert and former financial powerbroker) Penny Marshall offers exciting and inspired tips on how to make extra cash by holding garage sales.

Penny's keys to garage sale success?

location (ie, your neighbour's house and belongings) and
timing (ie, when he's spending a weekend in the mountains)

Also, pyramid schemes! They're not just for Egyptians any more.

2MB Community Radio - covet thy neighbour's second-hand goods

Double Or Nothing

2009-05-22T11:44:00.005+10:00

As local real estate appraiser Hugh Jackman's identity-guessing show Hugh Goes There completes its second week with still nobody having guessed which local identity Hugh is impersonating, local Head of the High School Mathematics department George Clooney has expressed grave concerns about the automatically doubling prize pool.

"I am gravely concerned about the automatically doubling prize pool," said Mr Clooney. "Sure, this week it's just $80 in cash and 4 free sessions at 'Twist and Shout Osteopath'. But in a few short weeks it will be $10,240 and 512 free sessions. And not long after that it will be $10,485,760 and 524,288 free sessions. And let's face it, nobody's back pain is that bad."

2MB Community Radio - exponents of inaccurate guessing

X Marks The Spot

2009-05-17T08:23:00.005+10:00

Tune in tonight for a special repeat airing of the smash hit new quiz show that has the town talking. Hugh Goes There stars local real estate appraiser and 'Man of One Hundred And Forty-Four Voices' Hugh Jackman.

Laugh along with Hugh as he calls unsuspecting local housewives and nursing homes and invites them to guess... Hugh (or 'who') Goes There. And remember, if contestants can't guess the identity of the community personality that Hugh is impersonating then, each week, the prize pool doubles!

Next week, contestants on Hugh Goes There will be playing for $40 in cash and two sessions at 'Twist and Shout Osteopathy'. Will you be the one who unravels Hugh's secret identity? (Remember, Co-Mayor Affleck, Deputy Co-Mayor Damon, Rabbi Gibson, Madame Kidman and Jack Black's favourite trout 'Gilly' have all been ruled out.)

2MB Community Radio - huge!

The Old Man And The C-Cup

2009-05-12T14:13:00.003+10:00

Tonight, on Brooke's Books, your regular host and deputy town librarian Brooke Burke is joined by Michael Caine, of Caine Family Butchers (all pork sausages still half price!). Mr Caine, perhaps better known as the foremost local Vonnegut scholar, will tonight eschew the genre-bending, darkly comic satirist and instead spend the episode discussing the works of Ernest Hemingway.

In particular, Mr Caine will discuss A Farewell To Arms and how he uses the title of this work to inspire increased safety among employees using the electric meat and bone band saw.

Other blade-trauma avoidance tips will also be revealed by Mr Caine during the course of the show, including the importance of not being distracted by tolling bells, as well as making sure cattle are well and truly dead before cutting into them.

2MB Community Rodeo - ole!

Kiefer Madness

2009-05-09T11:32:00.005+10:00

As a result of overwhelming public demand, this morning's breakfast Traffic Tarot report by Madame Kidman will be replayed in full during drive time. Evening motorists are warned that, as a result, Madame Kidman's much-talked-about predictive rush hour updates are likely to be even less accurate than usual. It is hoped that the replayed reaction of new breakfast host and local locksmith Keifer Sutherland to the reading will mollify unhappy commuters.

When quizzed on whether or not he is likely to repeat on future breakfast shows the headbutting incident that has the town abuzz, Mr Sutherland (of 'Keys For Kiefer', now open 24 hours a day) said that 'depended solely on how fanciful Madame Kidman was with future linkings between traffic congestion and the Major Arcana'

2MB - give us a kiss, then

In The Black

2009-05-05T11:02:00.002+10:00

The latest episode of Pinching Penny, hosted by local frugality expert and former banking executive Penny Marshall, offers a fresh myriad of tips on how to save money in these economically turbulent times.

Tonight: The local laundromat - why it's an untapped resource for fashion-savvy skinflints everywhere

Also, counterfeiting. Why it's only a colour laser printer away.

2MB Community Radio - a penny stolen is a penny earnt

Ham Radio

2009-05-01T11:36:00.001+10:00

On tonight's special episode of Tenacious D-Bate, your regular host and local fishmonger Jack Black will host and participate in a special discussion on the recent postponement of the Swine and Wine Festival.

Mr Black will argue that the postponement of the Festival was a wise move by the co-Mayors, pointing to his recent surge in seafood sales as evidence.

Opposing the postponement will be local butcher Michael Caine, of Caine's Family Butchers, who will argue that an important pork-based town celebration should not be abandoned simply because Mayor Affleck developed a case of the sniffles.

Mayor Affleck is expected to chime in during the debate to reassure local citizens that he still encourages them to drink as much wine 'as humanly possible'.

Tune into this simmering culinary discussion tonight at 9:15pm, right here on 2MB Community Radio

2MB Community Radio - face masks on

Position Vacant

2009-04-27T10:07:00.003+10:00

Community Notice

Fancy Pants, the local nightclub owned by Senior Surfing Champion Betty White, is looking for a new bouncer.

Applicants must have: a towering stature, a deep, imposing voice, a ju jitsu certificate from Sensei Jennie Garth (blue belt or above) and a name homonymous with an insect

In related news, Bea Arthur's memorial service will take place tomorrow afternoon. Please bring your own cheese and octopus straps.

2MB Community Radio - bouncering, baby!

Nine A-Cross

2009-04-19T15:01:00.006+10:00

NEWSFLASH!

Town Atheists Chairman and high school leatherwork teacher, Mr Scott Baio, who was nailed to a cross nine days ago as a combination protest against Easter and promotion for Harry Hamlin's Happ'nin' Hardware Sale, has finally been un-nailed (Forged Heat-Treated Steel Head Claw Hammer with Hickory Handle, only $14.95!!).

Mr Baio, who had remained silent throughout his crucifixion campaign, responded to questions about how he felt following an incredible nine days of being nailed to the most cost-effective timber in the local community, by repeatedly shouting:

"Suck on that, JC"

John Cusack, half-owner of 'Cusack's DIY, LOL', refused to respond to Mr Baio's insults, although he did confess that Mr Hamlin's unique advertising promotion may well have earned him an unassailable lead in local nail-gun market share.

2MB Community Radio - rises again

The Bottom Line

2009-03-24T10:16:00.004+11:00

In these difficult economic times, townfolk are searching for ways to save. And 2MB is here to help with an all-new show Pinching Penny at the extremely prudent timeslot of 11am Tuesday-Thursday.

On the debut show, your regular host, former banking executive and strategic advisor, Penny Marshall will divulge some of her top frugality tips, including a twenty minute editorial on shoplifting and how, when done correctly, it adds up to massive savings on your bottom line

2MB Community Radio - saving you from yourself

Re-Versed?

2009-03-08T14:51:00.006+11:00

As the second anniversary approaches of the cancellation of Kate Cruise's infamous short-lived poetry radio show, Getting Verse, her husband, local pharmaceutical representative Tom, urges fans of the cult classic to 'chillax'.

"That's a hybrid word that JC taught me the other night as I waited outside the staff meeting for Kate to finish," revealed Mr Cruise, with little to no prompting. "Not only am I urging you to 'chill', as in 'stay cool'. I'm also imploring you to 'relax', via the implied meaning of the suffix 'lax'. Chillax."

Mr Cruise went on to add that this kind of compelling wordplay and etymological investigation would 'almost certainly' form a foundation of the retooled Getting Verse when it returns to the air, which he expected to occur 'probably some time after Easter'.

He also seemed unfazed when informed by passing schoolyard ruffians that the more conventional monogram for ('chillax' introducer and High School Head of Mathematics) George Clooney would be 'GC' rather than 'JC'.

"'Conventions' are just places I peddle my drugs, man," he explained. "Now, can I interest you in some Baclofen™?"

2MB Community Radio - looking forward to Lent

Do You Know Why They Call Me The Count?

2009-03-04T07:58:00.003+11:00

Host Brooke Burke would like to apologise to listeners for last night's very special episode of Brooke's Books featuring local psychic Madame Kidman discussing Bram Stoker's Dracula.

"We certainly expected far more discussion of the novel itself," said Miss Burke. "And far less talk about baby accessories and sweet chili sauce. In particular, I'd like to apologise to our sponsor for the episode, and promise that, when we re-examine this novel with a less baby and food-obsessed guest, we will, as contractually agreed, focus more on the Count's teeth and the wise investment choices he must have made to afford that kickin' castle."

Madame Kidman was unrepentant.

"I thought they said 'pram'," she explained. "What kind of name is 'Bram', anyway? Who would give their child such an absurd name?"

2MB Community Radio - can turn into a bat!

A Pinch Of Salt

2009-02-28T09:29:00.006+11:00

Last night's edition of On The Beat, On The Air with Constable Michael Rourke updated listeners on the startling events that took place early Wednesday morning at the 'Sticky Buns' bakery on East Novak Avenue.

According to Constable Rourke, local pastry chef Kate E. Winslet (regular host of the It's Time To Meet Your Baker cooking show here on 2MB Community Radio, every other weekday morning) placed a 4:30 a.m. call to Constable Rourke, when part-time architect Paul McCartney entered her storefront through the window he had broken with a stainless steel t-square. He was carrying under one arm what looked like a log-sized hunk of butter in the form of a human leg.

According to Ms Winslet, Mr McCartney was 'obviously discombobulated, reeking of burned plastic and linseed oil.' Though she could barely understand the oft-rambling, incoherent McCartney, she seemed to believe he was insisting that 'the butter wouldn't melt.'

"So I put it in a pie," Winslet told Constable Rourke.

In other town news, Constable Rourke reminds citizens that speeding tickets issued during the now-retracted month of Afflember still stand. This means you, Jennie Garth.

(Additional reporting by Krissy Sheets, swaying provocatively)

2MB Community Radio - mmmm, 3.14159265358979323846...

And The Award Goes To...

2009-02-24T10:00:00.004+11:00

Amy Sedaris (host of 2MB Community Radio's five minute gossip segment, every hour on the hour, after the news and soil salinisation report) reports that the Eighty-First Annual Community Awards reached their nadir last night, with co-Mayor Affleck sweeping the ceremony for the ninth year running. Watched by fewer than two dozen people, many of them homeless and attending under threat of arrest, the co-Mayor accepted each and every award with 'obnoxious fist-pumping' and shouts of 'get that up ya' to his fellow nominees, almost none of whom were present.

One who was present was Heather Graham, former joint host with Heath Ledger of the Heath, Heather, Heathest breakfast radio show. The popular morning program was the sentimental favourite to win the coveted 'Best Supporting Breakfast Radio Show in a Small Town Community' award. However, co-Mayor Affleck again claimed the award, despite taking no part in any breakfast radio during the year.

"I'd hoped that with co-Mayor Leoni now sharing power with co-Mayor Affleck, the foul stench of corruption at these awards might have abated," said Miss Graham. "I guess I was wrong. Now I feel like an idiot getting all frocked up in this strapless, backless, crotchless gown."

Co-Mayor Affleck's response was brief:

"Get that up ya!" he said, before belching a request for another tankard of beer.

2MB Community Radio - thanking the Academy

Mystery Lovers

2009-02-16T09:54:00.004+11:00

Mystery continues to surround the identity of the caller who called in to Saturday night's special Valentine's Day episode of Courtney's Love Messages And Affirmations.

The caller, who stunned host Courtney Love with their 'open and anonymous' declaration of love during the second-last call of the evening, remains thrillingly anonymous and the target of much speculation among gossip-mongers and audio file analysts in the local community. Especially given that the caller refused to reveal not only their identity, but also the identity of their admiree.

When pressed for a clue, the hopelessly romantic caller admitted only to being 'driven crazy by their sweat', before hanging up.

However, just as Ms Love went to open lines for additional guesswork on the identity of the secretion admirer, Tom Cruise, the local pharmaceutical representative,My called in to fill the remaining eighty-one minutes of the show with his annual declaration of devotion to wife and high school music teacher Kate Cruise, along with a half-price offer on Karpax.™

In unrelated news, the town vocoder is still reported missing.

2MB Community Radio - stocking up on Karpax™

Do Unto Others

2009-02-07T13:48:00.006+11:00

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Christian Bale Charm School - we're so affable, it's laffable!

2MB Community Radio - ducking out of sight

* Half moneys refunded will be the half price not paid for the class. See fine print for further details of this and other hidden costs

Disengaged

2009-01-28T10:41:00.003+11:00

Local semi-retired architect Paul McCartney has appeared on the latest episode of fan-favourite game show I'm Sorry, I Don't Know How To Improvise to deny recent reports that he was once again engaged.

"You may be thinking of Elisabeth Moss," he said. "Or the other one... whatserface. My telephone."

Mr McCartney, who called in during a particularly close-fought game of 'Potty Mouth', responded to host and moderator Sean Penn's claims that the show was not a particularly good forum for discussing his engagement status by seguing seamlessly into what Cillian Murphy later described as 'the finest display of foulmouthery I've ever heard'

In related news, the town dictionary has now been updated with over thirty-four new words. Ms Moss (unemployed CEO) is reported to have checked out the copy and plans to keep it 'right up until the due date'.

2MB Community Radio - peckerpaste!!

The Talkback of a Notorious Dame

2009-01-21T08:50:00.004+11:00

Last night, on Brooke's Books, local deputy librarian and regular host Brooke Burke chatted with the new owner of 'Hugo's Weaving' (the popular looming and textile factory warehouse on Welles Way). In addition to discussing the details of the stock swap and taking calls on the viability of her proposed new name for the factory ('Sigourney, Weaver'), Ms Weaver also revealed why, exactly, renowned author Victor Hugo was 'so damned les miserable'.

"Probably made a poor factory sale decision," was Ms Weaver's opinion. "Also, having to learn French just so you can write a novel. That'd make anybody miserable."

2MB Community Radio - hates when weavers loom