2nd Person: Tales from the Gay YOUniverse

You're Not One of Those Illiterate Fags...

2008-12-15T19:30:00.002-05:00

...but you have certainly enjoyed your Blah-Blah-Blogless month. Sigh. But now you're back. And rather than dwelling in the past, you've decided to skip ahead to the present because you actually think that part of the reason you were dreading the blog was because you had fallen so woefully far behind in reporting all of the immensely pedantic details of your ridiculous life. Anyway. You were very pleased last week when one of your published friends from the Lit Lot invited you to a big gay party to celebrate his friend's promotion to head of a very well known gay publishing house. Although...

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You're Not One of Those Proud Fags...

2008-11-14T14:05:00.000-05:00

...except on Gay Pride. On that day you tend to be very proud. But when you're fumbling around on Connexion looking at all the boys who are typically much more physically available then they are mentally, you decide to send a quick note to a really hot architect that says, "i just read/watched the fountainhead so i'm all about architects. especially ones that are hotter than howard roark and mike brady combined." You're quite shocked when you get an immediate response, but you feel more like an ostrich who wants to bury his head in the sand when you read the email, "hey, we've met. we went to...

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You're Not One of Those Fags Who Swallows His Problems With Copious Amounts of Food...

2008-11-12T17:29:00.003-05:00

...but alcohol is a different story. So when Rice Queen #2 offers you a sip from a pint of his Knob Creek on the train to Fire Guyland, you graciously accept. You are really all fucked up over your recent Blonde Beard sighting and can't help running through your unexpected reunion with a fine-toothed beard trimmer. And you think you've narrowed down his adverse reaction into two distinct, yet very different scenarios. Your first theory is that the man hates you. As in detests. After all, he couldn't wait to get away from you, nor could he bear even the most minimal of conversations. This...

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You're Not One of Those Political Fags...

2008-11-11T22:27:00.002-05:00

...but you will definitely be yelling your homo head off outside the Mormon Temple on Wednesday evening. You're looking forward to join the other angry boys in protesting the passing of Prop H8 which bans same-sex marriage in California, effectively reversing a State Supreme Court ruling which legalized same-sex marriage in the Golden State. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints was, by far, the biggest financer of California's heinous and hateful Proposition 8. The Mormon Church begged their members to donate money to Prop 8, ultimately pouring 20 million dollars into the...

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You're Not One of Those Fags Who Gets Fancy Haircuts...

2008-11-10T20:35:00.001-05:00

...hell, you're so cheap you'd probably buy a Flowbie. On eBay, no less. But you are very happy with your $14 haircuts at the Neighborhood Barbers. Unfortunately, it's neither in your neighborhood, nor anywhere close to it. Although you are cheap, you're not actually insane and you wouldn't trust your 'do with just anyone who has a pair of scissors. But you are definitely willing to commute for an exceptional barber who is exceptionally cheap and was written up in the New York Times Style Magazine for cutting John Bartlett, Narcisco Rodriguez and David LaChappelle's famous heads. If Eric...

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You're Not One of Those Fags Who Dwell in the Past...

2008-11-06T16:41:00.001-05:00

...although your blog definitely does. However, you've been doing your very best to catch up to real time lately, but now you need to slow down for a bit so you don't gloss over some of the more ridiculous things that have recently happened. Like when you met Rice Queen and Rice Queen #2 at Star Lounge, for Josh Wood's Friday Night party at the Chelsea Hotel . Since lately you've been hemorrhaging money over ridiculous and frivolous things like furniture, your budget doesn't have much left over for the more important necessities, like booze and dates. So you guzzle down a bottle of Two Buck...

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You're Not One of Those Log Cabin Republican Fags...

2008-11-04T14:02:00.003-05:00

...but you have been known to enjoy Log Cabin on your pancakes when you're out of pure maple syrup from the blue state of Vermont. Speaking of the Green Mountain State where your Snow Bird Republican parents reside half the year, you're extremely proud of them for voting for Obama via absentee ballot in Florida! Woo-hoo! And if you happen to be one of those California Tops then be sure to get off your Bottoms and go out and vote No on Prop Hate! The lines aren't that bad. You only had to wait for fifteen minutes. But you did get in a fight with a pushy old lady who tried to butt in front of...

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FAG FORWARD! You're Not One of Those Dirty Fags...

2008-11-03T23:07:00.001-05:00

...but your apartment has become one giant mess of boxes filled with old crap you need to get rid of and new boxes filled with Ikea crap that you need to put together. But after finishing your work, you decide to blow off all the boxes and wander around your new 'hood to check out the dirty gay bars in Jackson Heights. Being a very organized and very thirsty boy, you, of course, create a list of all the local gay watering holes. Although you've always heard that Jackson Heights was very gay, you're kind of shocked at how many bars are within stumbling distance. Although a far cry from...

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FAG FORWARD! You're Not One of Those Fags Who Disappears Without a Trace...

2008-10-31T20:10:00.002-04:00

...but the idea of making Change of Address cards is way too daunting, so you decide to just blow it off. You don't even bother to send an email because there's just too much other crap to do! Your move is actually rather uneventful and happens much quicker than the estimate, yet somehow it costs more. That night, you meet up with the Boy Luck Club for a celebratory dinner in Chelsea, and although you are exhausted, the Boys are in a playful mood and the next thing you know Fat Albert is burning plastic straws with a candle and Half Share is dousing it with water. This, of course, turns into...

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FAG FORWARD! You're Not One of Those Fags Who Plays the Lottery...

2008-10-29T17:27:00.003-04:00

...but you figure that the odds will eventually be in your favor with all the silly boys you date. Eventually you'll meet some worthy Mister... Right? Although it becomes obvious that the Daytripping Freeloader is not The One, yet just One Among the Many, you are happy that you followed through and schlepped up to Boston if only to figure out that he was definitely not The One that Got Away. Anyway. You take the train to Providence, Rhode Island and find yourself staying in the most beautiful historic home that you've ever stepped foot into. And get this, your High School friend owns it!...

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You're Not One of Those Fags Who's Allowed to Vote No on Prop 8...

2008-10-29T13:12:00.007-04:00

...but you would if you lived in California! Since you spend most of your free time day dreaming about your own imaginary wedding some day, the least you can do is tell your Blah-Blah-Blog posse to get out and VOTE NO ON PROP 8! Even if you don't live in the Golden State, you can donate some of those hard earned gay dollars for a great cause that affects all Americans. Anyway...

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FAG FORWARD! You're Not One of Those Fags Who Glosses Over Everything...

2008-10-28T19:18:00.008-04:00

...but you are ridiculously behind in your Blah-Blah-Blog and it's just completely unacceptable. So buckle your seat belt boys, 'cause the next few entries are gonna be a little bit bumpy. Anyway... You had a few therapeutic beers at Therapy with Rice Queen before schlepping over to the Yaz reunion concert! It was packed but you were not about to watch Ms. Moyet from the back of the boat. So you dragged Rice Queen through the crowd saying lies like, "I don't see them. Where did they say they'd be standing?" And you work your way to the front center of the stage. The show is phenomenal...

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You’re Not One of Those Fags Who’s Into P.D.A....

2008-10-20T17:24:00.005-04:00

...but you are always amazed and sometimes quite impressed by the gay boys who have the balls to share their dirty gay stuff with the world. Like the boys you stumble upon while taking a leisurely Saturday morning walk on the beach. Although you and your skin cancer just got back to civilization from Fire Guyland less than twenty-four hours ago, your BFF called to see if you wanted to take a day trip to Jones Beach and of course you said yes. However your shoulders seem to be protesting your life of leisure as they have recently raised their Terror Alert from Orange to Red. Speaking of...

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You're Not One of Those Opportunistic Fags...

2008-10-14T23:53:00.004-04:00

...but you thoroughly enjoy reading about them, so when you finally get to the last page of The Fountainhead, you feel like bragging about this major accomplishment of having A.D.D. and actually finishing a 700 page book! Only nobody's around because you are sitting on the beach alone and all your friends have long since gone back to the city because they have real jobs and actual homes. You actually started reading this book long before you decided to buy the apartment in Jackson Heights, and who would know that it would take longer to renovate 500 square feet than it would to read 700...

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Greetings From...

2008-10-12T21:59:00.003-04:00

...Madison Square Garden! "Somtimes what I think I need is a YOU intervention!" Madge sends her sticky & sweet love to all the boys. xoxo You!

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You're Not One of Those Fags Who Disappears Without a Trace...

2008-10-10T14:36:00.001-04:00

...GPS is never even required because usually there's just a sloppy trail of martini olives that end up giving away your current location. However, today is another beautiful beach day on Fire Guyland so your olive trail ends smack in the middle of Beach Hill. You're sitting in the most ridiculous contraption that looks more like a sex sling than a beach chair only it's less comfortable. Luckily you get a very sweet, yet very misspelled text message from the Daytripping Freeloader which takes your mind off of your beach sling, "Thnx for an icredible evening. I miss your kisses and eyes...

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You're Not One of Those Fags Who's Good With Numbers...

2008-10-08T18:29:00.002-04:00

...but you definitely have faith in the Law of Averages. With all these silly boys you date, eventually one of them's got to be boyfriend material. Right? Anyway. You wake up on Fire Guyland feeling pretty fantastic after receiving a sweet text from the Day Tripping Freeloader, "Good morning handsome. Hope you slept well. send me a text and let me know when you are free." After last night's extremely romantic evening, you really can't wait to see him later! However, you're happy to have something to look forward to while enjoying a gorgeous beach day with the Boy Luck Club. But today is...

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What do you do when you get into an altercation and some random breeder calls you a faggot?

2008-10-08T16:02:00.006-04:00

47% of You said, "I smile and say, "Is that supposed to make me feel bad?" " 23% of You said, "I ignore it because it's not worth my precious time or energy." 11% of You said, "I beat the shit out of him and remind him that his ass is being whipped by a fag." 10% of You said, "After my initial shock I fight fire with fire and call him a Wet Back / Gringo / White Trash / Kike / Terrorist / Chink / Nigger / Frog / Nazi / Dago / Nip / Yid / Cholo / Newyorican / Gook / Jungle Bunny to see how he likes it." 6% of You said, "Suddenly I feel like I'm in seventh grade again and I prepare myself...

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You're Not One of Those Romantic Fags...

2008-10-01T23:59:00.002-04:00

...but when the DJ at Low Tea plays "What I Like About You" by The Romantics you can't help but race your way to the dance floor. Although you're a bit wary about running into Aussie Bum, you're actually more worried about cooking Sunday supper for the Kinsey 8 tonight, even though it's just hamburgers. Plus an Ahi Tuna steak for Fat Albert who is perpetually on a diet even though he weighs the same in pounds as you do in kilograms. Half-Share has vowed to help out so you figure you can enjoy a few cocktails at the Low Tea Meat Market before heading home to burn some much less delectable...

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Have you ever fallen in love with an online boy before meeting in person?

2008-09-30T22:05:00.001-04:00

38% of You said, "Yes! Forget about his hot photos, his emails alone get me horny. And when we talk I feel like a teenager who can't bring myself to hang up first." 33% of You said, "Are you insane? Although I remain hopeful, I don't invest emotionally into a relationship with someone I've never met. Or slept with." 18% of You said, "Love-schmuv. I've yet to fall in love with an offline person." 9% of You said, "Maybe. I'd like to believe in "Love at first typo," but it has yet to happen to me." Number of Fags Who Voted: 92

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You're Not One of Those Dignified Fags...

2008-09-29T20:03:00.000-04:00

...who thinks his pants are too fancy for Cherry Grove. However, you are definitely one of those lazy fags who rarely schleps his way through the Meat Rack in fear of losing his cheap pants on the way there. Actually you're kind of terrified of the Meat Rack, mostly because you know that if you found yourself in some dark, unsavory, sticky situation, you'd just wind up giggling like some nervous nelly and run out with your tail between your legs. You also prefer to actually see the people that you have sex with. Perhaps you're just a bit old fashioned in that way. But it's lunchtime and Rice...

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You're Not One of Those Indecisive Fags...

2008-09-24T20:47:00.002-04:00

...but when you get to the Fresh Market in Fire Guyland with the dire need to caffeinate, you are annoyed to have nothing to choose from but Coke products. You stare at the refrigerated bottles for so long that someone actually asks you if you're okay. No, of course you're not okay! There is no Diet Pepsi on this whole damned island which is your new home for an entire week! You usually vote yourself off of Temptation Island after a measly three-day weekend, but since you and your Lovely Lady Mumps are between apartments (a.k.a. homeless) you are stuck on the Isle of Guy for a full week....

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What do you do when you get a Facebook Friend Request from, gasp, your Parents?

2008-09-22T00:10:00.004-04:00

27% of You said, "I decline the friend request, because, after all, they're my parents, not my friends!" 25% of You said, "I sit my parents down and explain that they are much too old and frail to be on Facebook. And then I buy them a CB Radio to keep them busy. 10-40, Good Buddy!" 24% of You said, "I develop a Facebook app that censors everything that's not G-rated from going to my parents feed. Then I make a mint and retire." 13% of You said, "I accept the request, but immediately send out an email to all my friends and plead with them not to tag me in any more scandalous photos." 8%...

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Greetings From...

2008-09-21T14:49:00.002-04:00

the Christopher Street Pier! All is well on the gay riviera. xoxo You!

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You're Not One of Those Fags on the Rebound...

2008-09-19T17:55:00.000-04:00

...but you do bound out of bed in the morning and race to the bathroom to inspect your teeth. As you laid in The Ex's bed inspecting your Lovely Lady Mumps (which haven't shrunk one tiny bit since they mysteriously appeared five days ago), you suddenly realize that perhaps an infected molar might be causing your Jabba the Neck-like glandular swelling? Although you floss twice a day (you are a Dentist's wet dream, perhaps you should date one?), you've had some mild irritation since your last cleaning. Suddenly you feel like your gums are receding around that particular tooth and before you...

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2nd Person: Tales from the Gay YOUniverse

You're Not One of Those Illiterate Fags...

You're Not One of Those Proud Fags...

You're Not One of Those Fags Who Swallows His Problems With Copious Amounts of Food...

You're Not One of Those Political Fags...

You're Not One of Those Fags Who Gets Fancy Haircuts...

You're Not One of Those Fags Who Dwell in the Past...

You're Not One of Those Log Cabin Republican Fags...

FAG FORWARD! You're Not One of Those Dirty Fags...

FAG FORWARD! You're Not One of Those Fags Who Disappears Without a Trace...

FAG FORWARD! You're Not One of Those Fags Who Plays the Lottery...

You're Not One of Those Fags Who's Allowed to Vote No on Prop 8...

FAG FORWARD! You're Not One of Those Fags Who Glosses Over Everything...

You’re Not One of Those Fags Who’s Into P.D.A....

You're Not One of Those Opportunistic Fags...

Greetings From...

You're Not One of Those Fags Who Disappears Without a Trace...

You're Not One of Those Fags Who's Good With Numbers...

What do you do when you get into an altercation and some random breeder calls you a faggot?

You're Not One of Those Romantic Fags...

Have you ever fallen in love with an online boy before meeting in person?

You're Not One of Those Dignified Fags...

You're Not One of Those Indecisive Fags...

What do you do when you get a Facebook Friend Request from, *gasp*, your Parents?

Greetings From...

You're Not One of Those Fags on the Rebound...

What do you do when you get a Facebook Friend Request from, gasp, your Parents?