We’re all locked into something

Something that seems to never change

Something you think will never improve

Some hopeless situation we feel drained by

Some insurmountable mountain we can never climb

It could be…..

A job we can’t stand

A house we don’t like

Children we feel inadequate enough for

A relationship that appears to have no future

Maybe its….

A prison cell from a criminal act

Or a wrong conviction

Perhaps its….

Guilt

Regret

Shame

Perhaps your prison cell is your body

Like mine was at 417 pounds

Yesterday I ate dinner with my family at the dinner table

Where we have two long benches

All the chairs are gone

Broken by me

One by one

As I got bigger

My body was a prison in which I lived

Day after day

Month after month

Year after year

I was NOT a prisoner of HOPE

But I was a prisoner

I was a prisoner of past mistakes

Wrong choices

Addiction to sugar

A prisoner of regret

At the lost years NOT playing with my children

Because I could barely stand in one place for more than a minute

Because I could barely walk across the baseball field

To take my son to practice

Because I could not fit in the narrow hallway at ballet

For my little girl who longed to be a ballerina

I was a prisoner of embarrassment

That little children stared at me in the stores

Or at my children’s school events

Causing my children to feel the need to defend me

Oh how that hurt my heart

Embarrassed when I broke chairs and toilet seats

Embarrassed when I fell and 4 large men had to work together

Just to get me off the floor

I didn’t break only my chairs

Or my toilet seats

I broke a friends kitchen chair

A friends toilet seat

And that’s when my prison became more real

Because I stopped going out

Out to friends houses

To restaurants

To church

To anywhere at all

If I could avoid it

And once I gave up

Once I let my body take over

Once I let my weight determine where I could go

And what I could do

That’s when I truly became

A prisoner of HOPELESSNESS

A prisoner of DESPAIR

A prisoner of NO SECOND CHANCE

When you do that

When you give up hope

That means you’ve abandoned yourself to your fate

You’ve accepted that this is your life

And this is how it is always going to be

Because this is how it’s always been

For just so darn long

How many diets did I go on??

How many times did I go on EACH ONE??

How many prayers did I throw up in the sky

Only to feel them crashing back down upon me

Like God’s “Return to Sender” stamp

Like someone taped an eviction notice

On the little door of hope that was still left ajar

Now slammed shut by a feeling of utter futility

I always considered myself

Somewhat of an intelligent individual

I had accomplished many things in life

And I was proud of those things

I had a Bachelors degree

A Masters degree

Four children I felt blessed to raise

And yet this issue

My weight

My overeating

THIS I could not control

And not for lack of trying

You name almost any diet out there

And I’ve probably tried it

Bought it

Read it

And failed on it

After a lifetime of struggling with my weight

After almost 20 years of being overweight

Obese

And then morbidly obese

I finally threw my hands up and said

FINE

THIS IS WHO I AM

I ACCEPT IT

And then my weight soared

Because finally…..

I had given up all hope in wild abandon

Come for me….I said

To diabetes and high blood pressure

To back pain and lack of mobility

To sleep apnea and lack of energy

To never socializing again

To never fitting anywhere again

To a life of binging day after day

To caring for my children from a recliner

Like someone who is paralyzed

Like someone who is little more

Than a prisoner of obesity

Waiting to die

That was my life

Less than 2 years ago

And yet here I sit

23 months later

240 pounds lighter

From a size 38

To a size 14

No longer a prisoner of my body

Free to go where I want to go

Do what I want to do

See who I want to see

I can take my son to baseball

And my daughter to ballet

I can run and jump and hop and skip

I can even do a cartwheel!!!!!!

(Not a good one….but you can recognize it!)

Am I no longer a prisoner?

On the contrary!!

A prisoner is what I am right now

A prisoner is what I am blessed to be

Because I am a prisoner of HOPE

Return to your fortress, you prisoners of HOPE

Even now, I announce that I will restore twice as much to you.

Zechariah 9:12

We are all locked into something

A good mood

Or a bad one

Hope or Despair

Dreary Anticipation

OR

Confident Expectation

What will you choose today?

Because you CHOOSE hope

You don’t wish you could get some

You don’t wonder if you’ll ever feel that way

YOU CHOOSE IT

Because hope is NOT something you see

It’s not something you touch

It’s not something visible

Hope is this….

Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees?

But if we hope for what we do not see, we await for it with patience.

Romans 8:24-25

Who hopes for what they see???

Do you hope that your car is in the driveway

When you see it parked there?

Do you hope your TV show will come on tonight

When you’re watching it right now?

Do you hope that you can pay your bills this month

If the money is already in your bank account?

NO!

Hope is not what we already see

What we already have

Hope is the confident expectation though

THAT IT WILL COME

Whatever IT is

Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.

Hebrews 11:1

Hope and faith

What is really the difference?

To me they are closely linked

And yet perhaps they are just different enough

For us to see a pathway out of our prison of despair

Faith is knowing that what you believe is true

Faith is believing that what you hope for WILL happen

You are convicted of its absolute reality

CONVICTED

Like a prisoner standing before a judge

Whose gavel comes flying down on the desk with a bang

And says CONVICTED OF HOPE

And you believe it!

You know it’s true!

What you need in your life

What you desperately desire

WILL HAPPEN

Now hope is slightly different to me

Because hope is “confident expectation”

Meaning you’re waiting

You’re expecting

You’re anticipating

But what….

What are you waiting for?

What are you anticipating?

What are you expecting?

For that car to slam on its brakes?

So you’ll rear end it?

And have THAT on your record?

Yes I think that way….

Five car lengths behind, Holly

AT LEAST

Because you know they’re going to do it

You just know they are

You’ve already been rear ended three times since you moved here

THREE TIMES

And of course it had to be my NEW van they rear ended

Oh they couldn’t have rear ended me any of the 5 years

That I had the old Suburban

No it has to be my NEW van….

OF COURSE….

Right???

Because that’s just my life

That’s just my luck

That’s just HOW IT IS

And that’s how I often talk to myself

With confident expectation that bad stuff will happen

With faith that my life is going to suck

OVER AND OVER

No matter what

So why bother??

Why try??

Why care??

Hope is the confident expectation of something

But faith is the absolute belief it will happen

So if you hope for something

And have faith that it’s going to present itself to you

Then statistics say

That it probably will

But I’m not “hoping” to get rear ended

I’m not “hoping” to fail on my diet before 10 am

I’m not “hoping” bad things will happen

Who would do that???

But am I expecting it?

Am I confidently expecting it??

So confident that my actions mirror my beliefs

Like driving so far away from the car in front of me

So slowly

That I get honked at

That I literally almost cause an accident myself

Because I am SO cautious

So scared

That I am the one actually creating the problem?

I have anxiety

It’s something I struggle with

I’ve had full blown panic attacks

On a highway in a Suburban full of babies

And that’s scary

I would feel the panic coming on

I could feel my fingers going numb

My face losing feeling

And then I’d say

“Oh my gosh! I’m going to have a panic attack!!”

“Oh no!! It’s going to happen!! It’s going to !!”

“We’re all going to die!”

“I’m going to crash this car and we’re all going to die!”

“Oh no! Oh no! Oh no!”

That used to happen to me every time

I tried to drive on the highway

Way before I left the house

I was confidently expecting to have a panic attack

And my faith and beliefs

MADE IT A FACT

Then one day I learned

That my panic attacks weren’t always triggered

By some external circumstance

It wasn’t the highway

Or the guy that cut me off in traffic

It wasn’t the rain

Or the fact that a tractor trailer was barreling down on me

It wasn’t any of that at all

It was in the “OH NO!!!!”

It was in the “OH MY GOODNESS!!”

That my panic attacks were triggered

You see the first thing that happened

Was stressful

I merged onto the highway and it felt like a close call

It seemed no one would let me in

And that was nerve wracking

But THAT alone could not cause the panic attack

It was when I said

“Oh my gosh! Oh no!! Oh my goodness!!”

It was in THAT moment

When I planted the seeds to grow the panic

Because I began to speak out of my mouth

That the worst was coming

“I’m going to freak out!” I’d think

“I’m going to lose it!!”  I’d say

And then I would

Why…you ask??

Because I confidently expected it  (hope)

And I believed in what I could not yet see (faith)

But what I KNEW WOULD COME

A full blown panic attack

And then it did

I still have panic attacks

In fact I just had one last week

FUN FUN FUN

But they don’t happen as frequently now

Because I understand it’s not the circumstance

That is making me panic

Because the panic comes from inside of me

The circumstance from outside of me

The circumstance is external

But it’s a trigger

Waiting to be pulled

The truth is this

I have to be the one

To pull the trigger

And it’s in the Oh NO’s and Oh my Goodness’s

And Not Again’s

That we initiate the process

That we allow an external circumstance

To pull an internal trigger

And set us off

I used to believe that I could not avoid eating a twinkie

I just can’t do it...I’d say

I just can’t

And that alone presented anxiety

Because then I’d think

Oh no! Oh my goodness!! There it is!!

There is the twinkie!!

I can’t resist it!! Oh not again!! No please!!!

And then I’d eat it

I was addicted to sugar

That was a major part of the problem

But the other part

WAS ME

I was a prisoner of my own mind

A prisoner of hopelessness

And we’re all locked into something

I was just sitting in the wrong cell

It’s time we all get in the same cell together

And lock the door behind us

So we can be prisoners of HOPE

Where hope locks us in

And won’t let us go

Where faith sets in

And creates a belief that we cannot fail

So long as we don’t give up

So long as we confidently expect the good

And not the bad

So long as we stop pulling the trigger

With all the

Oh No’s

And Oh my Goodness’s

And Not Again’s!

What if we choose to have confident expectation

That things can change

Even if it’s been 20 years

Even if it’s been a lifetime

Because that was me

I lived a lifetime of struggling with weight

I was morbidly obese for well over a decade

And yet I’ve lost 240 pounds in less than 2 years

And I just got back from a morning jog

So what should we expect now?

Because I am nothing special

I am just a human being

But I’ve learned that I’m going to be a prisoner of something

So why not let it be HOPE?

I have only one thing to say to you today

YOU CAN DO THIS

No matter what it is

No matter what you’re going through

Have faith

Have hope

Believe that you can

Then lock yourself into the prison cell of hope

And throw away the key

Me July 2011

And this next one is a picture of me just last week  with my friend Krystal

From the new blog Sugar Iz Crack

Krystal has been my “in real life” friend for the past 7 years

No matter what I weighed she was there for me

And she’s supported me as I left my prison of hopelessness

And moved towards hope

Now she’s decided that it’s time for her to do the same

And I am going to be there for her every step of the way

Krystal has CHOSEN to be

A prisoner of HOPE

We have been friends a long time

And now it’s time to give back

I am dedicated to helping her

But more importantly

She is dedicated to the journey

So I’d appreciate you supporting her if you can

By visiting her blog

Because we all know how tough this can be

And what we all need

Is a little hope….

This next picture is of me with Krystal and Patrick

Patrick has become like family to me

Not only is he a personal trainer

Not only is he an overcomer

He is also a prisoner of HOPE

And he has shown me over and over again

That what we confidently expect

CAN HAPPEN

So we must control our thought life

Krystal and Patrick (being his usual positive self expecting the BEST!)

The three of us together….hoping, expecting, and confidently pursuing VICTORY!!!!

I love my readers

The ones who agree with me

The ones who don’t

You have supported me and encouraged me

Through the ups and downs

So thank you

It seems my life has been drama filled

For the past few months

And I don’t like that

I want my children to have stability

My life used to be quiet

So VERY VERY quiet

Unless I turned up the volume

On the television

All my excitement came through Netflix

Because I almost never left the house

Unless I had to pick the children up from school

Now I have lost 237 pounds

And I’ve lost about 15 of those pounds in the past 2 weeks

By recommitting to my sugar detox plan

In connection with helping a friend fight that battle too

The good news is I’m losing weight

I’m feeling great physically

The bad news is that I met someone and he’s still legally married

It doesn’t matter that his marriage was from a one day spontaneous meeting

To someone he met online

That they have no children together

That he realized quickly he had done something quickly

Without thinking it through

I’d like to say that’s enough for me

But the reality is this

He’s still legally married

He’s in the process of getting divorced

And his divorce may be final soon

But that doesn’t change the fact

That he’s legally married

There were some issues with the woman

Which were verified to me by friends and family

Some things which he would have known

Had he not married someone he met online right away

But I won’t go into them here

Out of respect for the privacy of these individuals

He wanted to tell me

But he was afraid what I would think

And the longer he put it off

The harder he said it was to tell me

He has apologized so many times

For not telling me right away

He was in the process of legally dealing with it

And I forgive him

But it doesn’t change the fact that he’s still married by law

We had our own whirlwind romance

It happened so fast

We’d only been together a few weeks

When he told me

So in reality, he did tell me early on

Just not BEFORE I fell in love with him

Maybe I wasn’t supposed to fall so fast

Maybe he wasn’t expecting that to happen either

He was married to his first wife for 15 years

And she became sick with cancer

He cared for her until the end

All that was true

Verified to me by those who know him

He was lonely

And maybe not thinking straight

He had a 15 year love story with a woman he truly loved

And in desperation he made a spontaneous choice

By getting remarried right away to someone he barely knew

I do feel sorry for him that his loneliness caused him

To do something without thinking

Because my loneliness has caused me

To make some bad choices too over the past 7 years

I know what it’s like to be deeply lonely

To just need to feel the warmth of another person

To feel not so alone

But I feel sorry for the other woman too

In spite of what his family and friends may have told me

I don’t really know her

I just know that in some ways

 I am her

The woman left behind

He said he feels bad for this woman too

But that he knew little about her when they married

And some things were pretty important to know

Before he met me, they were getting divorced

Before I was in the picture

He was already in the process of divorce

So it wasn’t about me

But still…..

He’s legally married

And I don’t need to be a distraction

Just in case they can reconcile

I wonder how you can’t know

Who you married??

How you can miss so many important details about someone

That you marry them without realizing what you’re doing?

How you can marry someone you just met so quickly

And then wake up 24 hours later realizing you did something BIG

It’s like listening to a transcript of that movie

The Hangover

But then again

I thought I knew who I married in 1996

And woke up to someone else

Maybe it can happen??

Is he just a spontaneous person?

Is that why he says he loves me so quickly?

Why he already wants to marry me so soon?

Maybe….

It’s something I must consider

This is a tough one for me

Because I just can’t come to grips

With seeing a married man

Not given my past

Not given my faith

But I love him

And I believe he loves me

Is there such a thing as love at first sight?

PERHAPS….

Except it wasn’t that

Because he took care of my yard

For 2 years

And I only saw him through the window

Through the blinds

Too scared to go outside

Slipping checks between the small space in the door

Between the chain that opens up just a little

And then one day

I opened the whole door

And let him in

Now I wonder if I should have kept it chained

And then added a deadbolt

I told him that if he is getting divorced

Then that’s his issue

And not mine

That he can’t involve me

That he has to be single to date me

So he has to go

He agreed with me

We even prayed about it

Together and separately

And  then we said goodbye

He said he would finish his divorce

And then come back for me

When he’s truly free

It  could be a month

It could be two

It could be a year

It could be never

That’s the risk I have to take

If I let him go

Will he come back?

Maybe not

But can I live with myself

If I date him now?

When he’s still legally married?

You all know my history

What happened to me

And suddenly I have more compassion

For my ex-husband and his wife

Maybe I was too judgmental after all

Maybe I thought I’d forgiven my ex-husband

When deep down I really hadn’t

God’s humor is often ironic

This experience showed me that it’s time I stop

Talking about my ex-husband

And what he did to me

When I am no better than him

Because none of us are perfect

And just when we say out loud

“But I would never do THAT”

We find ourselves in that exact circumstance

Hanging our head in shame

For declaring ourselves so ‘righteous’

So much ‘better’ than THAT person

Maybe it’s time I stop blogging about how my ex hurt me

And go buy a mirror

So I can worry about myself

Worry about the person looking back at me

Worry about her issues and not his

Instead of what he did to hurt me in the past

I should think on forgiveness

Because God says in order to be forgiven

We must forgive   (Matthew 6:14-15)

And Lord knows I need plenty of forgiveness now

I never considered myself a judgemental person until now

Maybe I’ve been judging my ex-husband

When I should have been judging MYSELF

For being so judgemental!!!

Well that was an overuse of a word…yes??

I think I’ve used “judgmental” now 100 times

It’s time I get a thesaurus

It’s a little weird to suddenly be the “other” woman

When you’ve been busy condemning her for 7 years

Time to pull out the Scarlet A and strap it to me

Because that’s how I feel

He feels terrible

I feel terrible

And we are both Christians

So we decided together to pray

We decided to pray

The prayer no one ever wants to pray

The one that asks for God’s will to be done

Not ours

Because when you pray that

You’re giving up what you want

In hopes that Our Father in heaven

Has the better plan

“Lord let YOUR will be done”

“YOUR WILL NOT MINE”

And for me

That’s the hardest prayer to pray

Because I know what MY will is

I know what I want

But Jesus said during the most difficult experience of His life

“Not My Will but YOURS be done”

 Luke 22:24

I know no one can understand

How I can love this man so much

When it seems impossible

And yet I do

It’s not because I used to weigh 417 pounds

And now someone is paying attention to me

Because he never saw me any differently when I was big

One of our last days together, he saw a picture of me

At one of my biggest weights

I asked him, ” What do you think when you see me that big?”

And he said……

I see my Princess

Is it just the words he says?

The spanish accent?

I don’t think so

I think it’s his heart

I think it’s something between us

Something that just feels unique to us

Like we were meant for each other

I’ve never felt that way with anyone else in the world

Not even my ex-husband

What is that????

For me to find real love in the arms of someone

Who is not free?

What cruel twist of fate now?

I pray and pray

But all I feel is this

We belong together

So I’m torn

What have I taught my children?

Can I live something else in front of them?

And still have their respect?

What about their feelings?

What they deserve?

I am a mother

And that must come first

I am a child of the King

And I must remember that He determines my steps

He knows the best plan for my life

And I must trust Him

So I’m letting go

I’ve prayed now the hardest prayer

I’ve ever prayed

Not my will, Lord, but YOURS

Help me find the way

Help me be still and listen to Your guidance

Whatever Your Will

Let it be done

Whatever you want

Make it happen

Not my will but Yours

I trust You

So I prayed that

And let him go

If he comes back to me free

And God gives me peace about this

Then we will start again

If not

Then I may cry

But I will know this much

The Lord has never let me down

He has been my rock and fortress for the past 7 years

And if I must travel the rest of this road alone

He will still be by my  side reminding me

That the truth is this

We never really walk alone

He is with us

Always

To the end of time

PS>  I thank you all for your comments.  You are precious to me.  I read every single one.  Many times I feel as if I’m a contestant on “Who Wants to be a Millionaire” and I must sometimes use a lifeline and “Ask the Audience”.  But you are so much more to me than an audience.  You are my my friends.  Odd as that sounds.  And we all come from many backgrounds.  So I appreciate your input no matter what side of this you fall on.  And I love you for taking the time to help me work through this.

I received a comment from a reader that really hit me and it went like this:

Holly, I read all your blog posts and I have grown to care very much about what happens to you. I just want to encourage you to NOT blog about new relationships, at all — not the good and not the bad either, just don’t tell us anything! I know that may seem against the grain, but a new relationship is a very tenuous thing and putting words out there permanently could impair it. Also any relationship has another person in it, who might be more private than you and not want to be discussed on a blog. The Internet just isn’t entirely a safe place, and some things need to grow out of public sight if they are going to become something wonderful. I hope you understand this comment is just intended as caring advice.

This person is right and I am going to listen to her.  It is not fair for me to blog about this because other people are involved.  Just because I pour out my life here does not mean someone else would want the same.  And out of respect for others involved, I will say no more on this topic unless he comes back to me single and free.  And I feel God has led us back together.  So you will hear no more from me on this subject unless we are together.  And the only way we will be together is if I really feel God has led me that direction.  If you see posts from me in the future regarding him, I will never speak again on the past or how we met.  I will only speak of the present and future.  But out of honesty to my readers, you will have this post here always that I will not delete so you will know the truth.  Because I may be wrong and selfish regarding this man but I promised to be honest.  And in the end even if it makes me look bad and tarnishes my reputation–I will tell the truth.  No matter what.

So here is the thing

I was dating this man

And he was amazing

He had told me the story of his wife

They were married for 15 years

And then she got cancer

He cared for her until she died

And he had been raising his children alone

For many years

I thought I had entered into a beautiful and perfect love story

Until I realized he was married

I blogged about this under a post called “Not A Princess”

Which I pulled because I no longer was sure

I had the right to judge him

Or say the things I said

I was hurt when I found out he was married

I felt that he had lied to me

And I blogged about it

I wish I hadn’t

I have a bad habit of spilling my guts out on this blog

The whole darn thing

I don’t hold back

What you see is what you get

But now I wish I hadn’t done that

Because I might have been misinformed

I might have been judgemental

And I might have been wrong

You see we had only been seeing each other a short time

And he had told me all about his great love

His wife who died of cancer

And all that was true

What he had not YET told me

Was that a few years back, he had been lonely

He had been alone for all the years after his wife died

And raising his children alone

So he did what many of us do

Jumped online to look for someone

Out of loneliness, he married someone he met online

Without even knowing her

And he realized it was a mistake

The problem is that he believes in God

And he believed he was now obligated

He knew instantly he’d made a mistake

And he probably should have had it annulled

But instead he tried to make it work

He did not know her though

And he soon realized he was involved with someone

Who was aggressive and angry

Someone who was potentially not even mentally stable

What was he to do?

That story scares me

Because as a single woman who has gotten lonely

I could have made the same mistake

Hopped in bed with someone just to feel the touch again

Married someone I barely knew that I met online

Just to feel secure

So many of my single and divorced friends have rushed into things

Out of loneliness

And I’ve seen them become even worse off than they were before

I believe that is what happened to this man

He knew he had made a mistake

And he tried to rectify it

The best way he knew how

He was separated and getting divorced

And he barely considered what he had with her

A real marriage

When he met me, he told me of his first wife

The one he considered his real wife

But the woman he had married after one date of an online website??

She had no interest in him at all

He said she wanted nothing to do with him

Only his paycheck

So he was embarrassed

Embarrassed for meeting someone online and marrying them instantly

He was humiliated that she fooled him into thinking it was real

When she wanted nothing to do with him at all

Except money

He didn’t tell me about it because of the embarrassment

Even though he intended to do it soon

Which he did

Because after all it had only been a short time that we’d been dating

Yet I felt that it should have been told to me right away

He told me he had lost hope that God could bring someone to him

That would truly love him

And that’s why he married someone he met online

I can understand losing hope

I’ve been there too

Seeking love in all the wrong places

Even looking online hoping for something

And coming up empty

Some people have luck in that way

But for him–he did something out of pure loneliness

And it backfired

He said he knew right away that he had made a mistake

If he could have turned around right then and had it annulled

That might have been the right thing

But he didn’t do it

They lived seperate lives

But  never dealt with it legally

In his mind he wasn’t married

But technically he was

He just had never dealt with it

The woman however wanted money

She wanted him to support her

Even though she told him

That she didn’t want HIM

She just wanted him to pay for her bills

And tried to extort money from him in this way

By making him feel guilty

He kept paying some of her bills too

Feeling he was obligated to

Ashamed of what he’d done

When we met, we had a whirlwind romance

And we still had things to learn about each other

He knew I had been broken down in my marriage

And that I had issues with insecurity

But what I failed to realize

Was that he was broken too

And he needed the same compassion

In return

When he told me he was married

I jumped to conclusions

All I heard was “MARRIED”

And I flipped

I didn’t wait to hear the rest of the conversation

I just heard ‘Married’ and walked away

Finally I listened the other day

When he came by

He said he is ashamed of what he did

Of how he jumped into something quickly with someone

Without thinking

Because he was lonely

How he was embarrassed that all she wanted from him

Was his wallet

Telling him that she found him repulsive and a joke to her

But wanted cash

He was angry at himself for not telling me sooner

But saying he didn’t consider it a real marriage

And so part of him did not think he was lying

I believe the man is broken and torn in many ways

But he deserves some compassion and understanding

I feel ashamed that I judged him

Because we all make mistakes

I do take marriage seriously

But I also think this situation might be different

Maybe it calls for me to reassess

And not be so quick to judge

When I first got divorced 7 years ago

I rushed into a relationship with someone right away

I’m not sure I ever mentioned it on here before

I didn’t love him

I’m not even sure I liked him

But he was someone

And I was alone

I quickly determined it was a huge mistake

And broke it off

I then determined to let God be in control from that point on

And I’ve been alone ever since

What if I had married that guy?

And then figured out a day or two later

I had done something stupid

Without thinking

Would I want to be judged for it?

If I dissolved that relationship that was never meant to be

Because I did it out of loneliness and desperation?

Like a drunken mistake

Well….that’s the dilemma

What do I do now?

Where do I go with this information?

This man has been trying to make me understand

He said he does not deserve me

He said he made a mistake by not telling me upfront

That he was still legally married

Do I hold it against him?

Do I condemn him and judge him?

This is not anything I ever thought I would have to deal with

But here is the thing

I love him

I just do

And he loves me

I have never been so happy as I have been with him

And in my heart I believe we are meant to be

If you’ve read my blog

You know me

Because I don’t hold much back

I take marriage seriously

But this man is not with someone

He’s just legally tied because of a decision he made

On the spur of the moment

Still…..how do I handle it??

I wrote a whole blog about him being a jerk

And now everyone hates him I’m sure

It makes me sad

Because I rushed to judgement

Even if we never end up together

I feel bad for condemning him publicly

I guess what I’m saying

Is what do you think?

Because I want to be with him

And I am praying about it

I’m praying and praying and praying

And over and over again

I find myself at peace with the idea

Of him in my life

Even after all this

Am I a bad person now?

Am I doing something wrong?

I love this man

And I want him in my life

He doesn’t judge me for my past

For all my mistakes

He doesn’t care that my body droops and sags

He doesn’t care if I’m 400 pounds

Or 200 pounds

And to him

I’m still a Princess

I don’t need him to call me that

I don’t need him to provide for me

I don’t need him to take care of me

But when I look in his eyes

I feel safe

Even now

And a little sad

That maybe I pushed away someone

Because they made an error in judgement one night

That they keep paying for now in their life

I’m reconsidering

And I want you to know

I love him

I want to be with him

And for the first time in my life

I feel God has opened a door for me to find the one

I am meant to love

But I have to reserve judgement on this

And not be prideful or too quick to condemn

I’m in a battle right now in my own mind

Over what I should do

So the  question is

Will my blog readers respect the decision I make?

Because crazy as it sounds

I worry about that

I’ve come to respect all of you

The question is….

If I end up with this man after all

Will you still respect me?

My weight loss journey so far has been full of many ups and downs

I stumble and fall

But I just have to keep going

Because I already know what the way back to donuts holds for me

So while I’m not perfect

I’ve finally learned how to NOT quit

ON MYSELF

Quitting a specific diet is one thing

Quitting a specific  food plan is one thing

Quitting a specific workout regimen is one thing

But quitting on YOURSELF

That’s something entirely different

And for years that is all I ever did

Quit on MYSELF

I kicked myself around

Beat myself up

I was the biggest bully I knew

But I only bullied one person

ME

I am still learning how to be nice to myself

How to be forgiving when I stumble

How to be both tough when necessary

And relaxed when needed

The weight loss journey is a lot like parenting

You have to know when to use tough love

When to use patience

When to let go

When to tighten the reins

It’s not easy because you’re doing all of this

On yourself

It’s hard to hold a secret meeting discussing strategy

When you’re the only person in the room

And the subject is you

Micromanaging yourself can be tough

Analyzing your issues is one thing

Dealing with them is another

But I’ve learned that nothing is impossible

NOTHING

If we are willing to take small steps

And then just keep going

Amazing isn’t it??

What the smallest of steps can do for us!

Baby steps took me to this point

And I’m not done yet

But I’m so grateful!

May 2012

May 2013

2011

A few weeks ago…April 2013

2006

2013

2011

Fitting in spaces!!!!

I can run and jump and play with my kids!!  They are the love of my life!

And it all started with 30 Seconds!!!

May 2011

My kids made this for me on Mother’s Day!!

This is me awhile back when I started Crossfit

Not long after I decided

THIS IS WAR

I had just started my Masters degree

When we moved again

We drove from New Mexico

All the way to Alaska

Two weeks in the car

With two children and two dogs

I would write my papers in the car during the day

And upload them using the hotel internet connection at night

There was a tough stop in British Columbia

Where the internet connection was iffy

It took me 4 hours to get my paper into the online classroom

But finally I did!!

Once we got to Alaska

I continued on with my Masters degree

Pregnant twice during that time

Two C-sections back to back

Now I had 4 kids

And I was homeschooling

I barely slept at night

Because the babies kept me up

And then there was the laundry

And the cooking

And the cleaning

But somewhere in the middle of all that

I was still working on my Masters degree

Still plugging away

At the end of my program

My very last project

I had to write an 80 page thesis

It seemed that I hadn’t slept in 3 years

And right when I could see the finish line in sight

I almost quit

Because of the voices

Do you have them?

The voices?

The thoughts that run through your mind?

The thoughts that overtake you?

The thoughts that bully you into believing

That everything they say is true

That everything they say is fact

Right near the end of my Masters degree

After all the hard work

After 3 long years

This is what they said…..

You are being selfish

You don’t need a Masters degree

You should quit

You can’t handle the pressure

You’re not as smart as you think you are

You will never need this degree anyway

You are stealing time away from your family

You can’t think straight

You will never be able to finish this

You are not capable of completing this program

Your writing is terrible

Your ideas are horrible

If you gave up, your life would be easier

The voices made sense to me

So I almost quit

I took off one semester

But I decided to go back

And then it happened

74  pages into my 80 page  thesis

The computer died

And I lost everything

So the voices told me

You’re stupid

You can’t even save a file

You will never be able to start over

This is a sign that you should quit

You just wasted all your time for nothing

You can’t do anything right

 But I fought the voices in my head

A miracle happened

The file was restored

And I finished my thesis

I finished my Masters degree

The one the voices said I would never need

The one the voices said  I would never use

And then 3 months later

My husband was gone

And I was a single mother

Completely alone

Suddenly I found myself needing that Masters degree

A LOT

The voices didn’t win that battle

But they were just waiting

For another opportunity

When my husband left

The voices told me this

You deserve it

You are a terrible person

You are a horrible wife

It is your fault

You are an awful mother

You are a failure

You can’t do this alone

You don’t have what it takes

You are incapable of running this household

No one will ever love you again

You will be alone for the rest of your life

Your children would be better off without you

You should kill yourself

 Kind of intense, right?

Kind of extreme?

That’s how they are

The voices

They don’t like losing battles

So if you win one

Be ready

Because the next time

They’ll hit even lower than they did before

Because they have no rules

They aim to kill

The voices are MEAN

They are rude

They are hateful

But they don’t end there

They’re always at it

They’re always after me

When I got over 300 Pounds

Back in 2006

I managed to lose 25 pounds

So the voices said

You are wasting your time

You’ll just gain it back

You know you’re going to give in eventually

You can’t resist temptation

You are weak

You can’t survive without the food

You need the food

Your anxiety will kill you if you don’t eat

The panic attacks will get worse without the food

Who do you think you are?

Accept your fate

The voices lie

All the time

But here is the problem

The voices sound a lot like me

So much so that I would often think

Their thoughts were my thoughts

That their voice was my voice

That the things they said were reflections of the truth

Because if I am thinking it—Then it must be true

Right?

When I was considering the surgery

I almost didn’t do it

Because the voices said

This won’t help you

You’re beyond help

The hunger is too strong

You will fail 

If you fail at the surgery, then what else is left?

If you exhaust this last option, you have nothing else to hope for

If you have failed at everything else–you will fail at this too

Your body is incapable of losing weight

When I started walking at 417 pounds

The voices said

You’re going to have a heart attack

You’re going to pass out

The pain will kill you

The burning in your lungs will kill you

The burning in your legs will kill you

You can’t handle this

You aren’t cut out for exercise

You are going to fall

You are going to break something

You are going to collapse

You are going to die

When I started going to the gym

The voices said…

You’re making a fool out of yourself

You’re being ridiculous

You don’t belong there

You’re not worthy to step in that door

You’re an embarrassment

You are weak

You have lost your mind

GO HOME

The voices aren’t as loud as they used to be

Because I learned that the voices have an agenda

And their agenda is to defeat me

To ruin my life

To make me quit

The voices would like to kill me if they could

But if they can just keep me in the bed

Keep me depressed

Keep me in bondage

Then that will do too

One of the best books

I have ever read

Is “Battlefield of the Mind” by Joyce Meyer

I read this book for the first time in 2006 during my divorce

I kept it with me

I read it

And re-read it

Because it taught me something critical

It taught me that I’m in a battle

And the battlefield

Is in my mind

My copy of this book is ragged and torn

Highlighted and scribbled in

It’s my game play notebook

It’s the reminder I need

That this IS war

I’ve been rereading that book again

It details the Enemy’s battle plan

And how great is that?

To get copies of the enemy’s plan

Before he can bring it to the battle?

And here it is

1. We are engaged in a war.
2. We have an enemy
3. The mind is the battlefield.
4. The enemy works diligently to set up strongholds in our mind.
5. He does it through strategy and deceit (through well-laid plans and deliberate deception).
6. He is in no hurry; he takes his time to work out his plan.

And whether you are a Christian

Or just a believer in good and evil

Darkness and light

Positive and negative

I’m sure you’ll agree

That we are in a battle of some kind

There is a dark force out there

And we must NOT be defeated!

For every thought that the voices send your way

We must find a thought to send back

There are ways to do this

I can only tell you what works for me

Jesus Himself fought the battle

By quoting scripture back to Satan

He used it as a tool

As a weapon

A weapon of war

AND HE WON

One thing I have learned

Especially lately

Is that I can’t allow the enemy

To own my mind

So talk back

Even if it sounds crazy

I wasn’t able to have any success in weight loss

Until I decided it was war

Until you’ve really decided that this is WAR

You may find yourself never quite able to lose any weight

Because in your mind it’s a struggle

It’s hard

It’s something you need to “work” through

But a struggle

Something a little hard

Even a battle

Is not the same

AS WAR

So when you’re not having success

When you’re wondering why you can’t get out of bed

And into those gym shoes

When you’re faced with pie

And you can’t take not having just one piece

It’s because you’ve decided this is “hard”

This is a “fight”

But you haven’t

DECLARED WAR

That’s what this is

IT IS WAR

Staying away fromsugar is is not “hard” for me

IT IS WAR

Temptation is real

So fight (Ephesians 6:12).

Make up your mind to never quit

To never give up!  Colossians 3:2

And don’t be afraid

Because You aren’t alone

You have someone who will fight the battle with you

If you call on Him

He will give you clarity

He will clear your mind

And he will stand alongside you

And fight!Second Timothy 1:7

Because this is war

You are a warrior

And YOU CAN WIN

Additional Scriptures for the Battle

2 Corinthians 10:5 

1 John 4:4

Philippians 4:8

I just thought I’d write a quick blog to say Happy Saturday and I love you all!!

I wanted to say thanks to everyone who has written me personally so many encouraging words

I am SO blessed to have you all in my life

Last night I was reading yet another email by someone who was telling me such encouraging things

And I thought to myself

WAKE UP, GIRL !!!!!!!!!!

YOU ARE BLESSED

HOW MANY PEOPLE GET THIS MUCH ENCOURAGEMENT??

Suddenly I realized how lucky I am to have so many people write to me and let me know they care

And I thought…..darn it you’ve been selfish!

Because what about people out there who don’t have a single person to encourage them???

I know what that feels like because it used to be me

Aside from my family—I just had no one

Because I never let people get close to me

Yes I know I spill my guts on a regular basis here in this blog

But doing it in real life to real people is a different story

Only now my blog and real life are blurring

And it’s making me have the freedom to just be ME

And realize for the first time that many people out there are ok with that

They are ok with me

Even the yucky parts!

The good, bad and the ugly

And shouldn’t we all be allowed that???

Because none of us are perfect

We all have our ups and downs

We all are riding this roller coaster of life

And aren’t we all just tired of the facade

Of pretending to have it SO together???

When I was 417 pounds and going in for weight loss surgery

I thought I might die on the table

I had been warned it could happen

I had my papers in order and I was ready to die

Because I knew I was dying anyway

From obesity related diseases and co-morbidities

This was my last chance

And in some ways, I feel that I did die on that surgery table

I died to my old life

Or at least I was WILLING to

I prayed that if God saved me…if he let me live through it….

If He helped me to break free and have a second chance

Then my life would belong to HIM

That He could use it as He wanted to

And that I would live an authentic life

Raw and unedited

Just be who I am and speak as much truth as possible

Even when the truth doesn’t make me shine

Even when the truth makes me look bad

Telling you all that I was drinking alcohol

Every day

That I went to a bar and sat there just to get attention from men

Just because I could

(Or did I tell you that part??)

Does that make me look good?

I don’t think so

Because I talk about my faith in God

And then I do things that often are opposite of that

And you know why?

Because I’m human

And I’m not perfect

And I’m still learning

It’s a process—all this sanctification

It is NOT overnight

In spite of what many Christians put out there for the world to see

The whole act that they’ve got it all together

That they never stumble and never fall

Well I wish I could be them but I am not

I am me

And all I can do is keep traveling the journey

And doing what I promised God I would do

Just tell the truth

Let it all hang out!!!!

And it has been scary to do that because I don’t want people to think I’m a hypocrite

Or a bad Mom

But I want God to use whatever He can out of my life to help people and give them hope

Which is kind of ironic

Because sometimes I am the one losing hope

Losing sight of His plan for my life

And when that happens

I now find that there are real people in this world reaching out to me

And they still care even when they know the good, bad and ugly

How amazing is that????

I want to tell you more but for today….I just needed to say that

I wanted to let you know that depression

That darkness

Had been brewing inside of me for months

A long time

Because coming off food LONG TERM

IS TOUGH

It was my crutch for years

Maybe my whole life

I’ve lost now 230 pounds and it’s amazing

But it’s weird

It’s weird to not have my crutch

Food was like the blankie I carried around as a 2 year old

Food was like the friend that always came when I called

Food was my husband when mine left

Food was my father when he moved out

Food was my grief counselor when Mom and Nana died

Food was my therapist when being a single Mom got hard

Food was my medication for anxiety and depression

And now it’s gone

Slowly I turned to alcohol

Not all at once

Just a glass of wine in the evening

No harm…right???

But I started to see it becoming an issue

And I ignored it

You know why?

Because I wanted another crutch

That instant shot of help without needing patience

Without suffering in the short term

But that’s what feelings and stress are about

They are whirlwinds that blow through your life and they SUCK

But you can survive them if you stand your ground

And don’t reach for food or alcohol or whatever else gives you that instant high

Like sitting on a barstool at age almost 41 after losing 230 pounds

And having men you don’t  know tell you you’re beautiful

And suddenly find every thing you say amazing

Suddenly I’m intelligent and worthy to be spoken to

And it filled up my head with a high

Just like chocolate cake and ice cream

Just like Reeses and Twix bars

Just like a box of freshly made warm Krispy Kreme Donuts

It filled up my head with excitement and joy

Like a bottle of White Zinfandel

It swirled in my head and made me feel like I was worth something

It made me feel confident

And I haven’t felt that EVER

NOT EVER

But I’m done with it

I’m done with all of that

Because my confidence is not in food

It is not in alcohol

It is not in any specific man

It is not on a barstool

My confidence is in my Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ

Who loves me REGARDLESS of my failings

No matter what I do

He is the One who never leaves

He is the One I can never push away

Even when I try

My confidence is in the Lord

 For the Lord will be your confidence–Proverbs 3:26

You are my hope, O Almighty LORD. You have been my confidence ever since I was young–Psalm 71:5 

I want you all to know

That things are getting better

MUCH BETTER

I can see the light at the end of the tunnel

And I know this

THE LIGHT WAS ALWAYS THERE

But I got blinded to it

It was not the light that left

It was I that left the light

This is our life

We will stumble and fall

But we will rise again

Because this is a battle and we will never fight it alone

Unless we choose to isolate ourselves from the One who fights for us

Isolate ourselves from our fellow soldiers (you) who fight with us

I don’t want to isolate anymore

I am beginning to see now

That my lack of friends was more about me

Than them

I can’t keep blaming it all on my weight

Yes it caused me to isolate

But there were people who reached out to me when I was over 400 pounds

And I was the one too scared to reach back

I don’t want to be scared anymore

Thank you all for helping me through this

I believe this is going to be a time I look back on and see growth

Real growth in my journey

Sometimes it is the worst times of our lives

That give us the biggest lessons

If that is the case

Then I’m a student right now

Taking the hardest class of my life

But I WILL pass

I WILL

Because I am equipped with what I need (Hebrews 13:20-21)

To make the grade

And it doesn’t matter if my grade is a D-

If I almost fail

If I almost don’t make it

Because in the end I WILL cross that finish line

Because God made me a promise 2 years ago

When I started this journey

He said:

He who began a good work in you will carry it through to completion  (Phillipians 1:6)

And God said that while I may stumble and fall

While I may barely pass the class

And make a D instead of an A

I am not judged by my performance

I am not judged by my mistakes

I am made perfect in His eyes by GRACE

For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— ⁹ not by works, so that no one can boast.

Ephesians 2:8-9

And all I can say to that is

PHEW !!!!!!!!!!!

Because now you know me

And all my imperfections and flaws

So that is why I love Him

Because He loves me

Every screwed up and messed up part of me

And more than that

He tells me to come to Him when I am weary and burdened (Matthew 11:28-30)

So He can give me rest

So He can fill me with joy

So He can tell me the truth about ME

And the truth is this

I am not unloveable

I am not flawed

I am NOT fundamentally broken

I am simply human

I am simply a student of life

I am simply a woman on a journey

Who will never be perfect in my eyes

But will always be seen perfect through Him who saved me

He is the constant in my life

When everything else spins apart

The eternal God is your refuge,
    and his everlasting arms are under you.

Deuteronomy 33:27

And to know that I have a safety net

When I fall

Gives me hope for another day!

JULY 2011

Surgery Day—417 pounds

MAY 2013–22 months later

187 pounds

(From Amanda’s House yesterday)

Something kind of crazy happened

Over the course of the past 2 years

I met so many bloggers

But some started contacting me early on

And I’m not sure how

But we just became friends

Like some amazing gift that God gave me

Out of His Mercy and Love

For no other reason

Except He knew I needed them

These people have been instrumental in helping me through

Various roller coaster rides

I’d love to introduce you to them

First, John from Reversing Obesity has been a blessing

This is someone I actually met recently

Who quickly became a good real life friend

His podcast is so honest

So transparent

And his compassion is off the charts

I’ve hardly met anyone out there who understands

The serious mental and emotional difficulties that food addiction brings

Like he does

And I appreciate his insights and efforts to keep going

To never give up

And to keep fighting no matter what

Cindy from  the Full of Light Blog

Has become a true friend

Somehow we began corresponding through email

And I think we both knew instantly God had just connected us for a reason

She is now a real life friend

And she AND her husband both reached out to me recently

At my lowest point

She has been calling, texting and checking on me

It’s just hard to believe

That I turned a computer on one day

And gained a family

Cindy is such a sweet blessing to my life

And now to  Staci!

Staci from The Skinny On Staci

Has been with me from the BEGINNING

From over 400 pounds

She has read my blog faithfully

Even when I have not so faithfully read hers

She has commented and written me personally

On numerous occasions

She sends me poems and makes me laugh

I love her blog

I love her resilence

But recently she ALMOST DIED

YES….ALMOST DIED

And you know what???

I was so caught up in my own pity party

My own self absorbed issues with my depression

And my sadness over losing this man

That I failed to keep up with what was happening to Staci

I didn’t even know that THREE WEEKS AGO

She almost died from an ectopic pregnancy and was rushed to the hospital

She didn’t die….thankfully

But she blogged about that THREE WEEKS AGO and I missed it

She emailed to check on ME though

ME

How nuts is that??

She is the one who almost died and she’s checking on ME

I feel like such a LOSER

Like a horrible friend

I hate being so self absorbed that I miss what is happening

To the people around me

I have many other friends from my blog who don’t have blogs of their own

They write me all the time

Kerry is one of these individuals

She is a beautiful individual who always writes me words of wisdom

Prays for me

And I absolutely adore her

She is also quite talented and she illustrated the cutest children’s book

Which I own 3 copies of for each of my younger kiddos!

You can find it here

I wish I could list all the other people who have been so wonderful to me

And I plan in the future to make a bigger effort to do that

Because I want you to know how much I appreciate you

How much you’ve helped me

This is not just some one sided diary

This is like therapy

It’s motivational and inspirational FOR ME

Because of YOU

I wonder if I would have lost 229 pounds

Without the rest of you fighting this battle with me

I don’t think I would have

I think you’ve made the difference

And I thank God DAILY for your prescence in my life

One more person I’d like to introduce you to

Is brand new to my life

But in response to my recent post

About feeling unworthy of love

She linked me to her post

Which was so timely it was eerie

Beyond coincidence

But God’s intervention

Here it is

This woman from the blog

A Deliberate Life

Has fought the battle

She speaks bold truth

And I find her blog inspirational

I hope you do too!

Last but NEVER least

I want to thank you

The person reading this right now

Whether you leave a comment or not

You take time to listen

Will you ever know what that means to me?

How you have helped me just by caring?

For years I thought no one cared at all

Except God and my children and my brother

I felt so alone

And now I know

I’m not alone

We are never alone

But we have to open the door sometimes

(Or turn on the computer

And reach out to find the world that awaits us

Remember that I love you

That we can do this

And even in my darkest moments

I know this

There is hope ALWAYS

So even if my heart wants to cry out

FEAR

PAIN

DEPRESSION

SADNESS

I will instead only sing out

JESUS

Because I will run to His arms

Where the riches of His love will always be enough

Nothing compares to My Saviour’s embrace

The light of my world

Who has allowed all of YOU to shine through

And restart my heart

On more than one occasion

I have so much to be thankful for

YOU

My children

My family

My friends Patrick and Kayla who are taking care of my children for me

Amanda…my best friend for close  to three decades

Who is taking care of me

And the mercy and hope God has given me

SO THANK YOU…..

THANK YOU TO EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU

You may have noticed

I deleted the last three blog posts I had written

About a man I had gotten involved with

And so I’m going to try and explain why

You know that I don’t get involved with men

I’ve been alone for 7 years for the most part

So for me to trust someone again after all this time

Took a leap of faith

The problem is that I was so happy

It felt so right

But I got scared

And I may have reacted out of fear

Is it too good to be true??

Can I trust this to be real??

I’m too happy

And that is not a good thing

Because when  something is too good to be true

Then maybe it is

That’s how I started thinking

The truth is I had to be patient

I had to keep calm

And I couldn’t do it

I just couldn’t

I made some mistakes

Maybe I drove him away

Or maybe I told him to go

But I feel that I found someone amazing

And it’s possible that I sabotaged it

Just suffice it to say

He’s gone now

And it’s probably my own actions

That made it that way

I truly fell in love with him

Even though it happened fast

It seemed as if everything I wanted

Was right there

Within reach

Finally I began to believe in love again

And now I wonder

Why did I taste the sweetness of love again

For it to disappear so soon?

I was so careful to never let anyone in my door

Never let anyone near my children

Unless I was sure

And I thought this time

It was real

Because people say

When it feels right….you’ll know

Sometimes I wonder

If I’m just not worth the real thing

I feel at times that I screwed up my marriage

Because I could never do anything right

Won’t the same thing happen this time?

Once he really gets to know me?

Won’t he just see the imperfections?

The flaws?

And run away??

I’m not perfect

I make mistakes

And I just can’t handle the pressure

Of trying to be perfect for someone

He never asked me to be perfect

And yet I know I failed already

Because I couldn’t just be calm

I couldn’t just let things take the natural course

I had to worry

I had to live in fear

And because of that

I think I may have lost him

He awakened a part of me that should have stayed sleeping

I miss him

But I feel it’s over

And it’s hard for me to understand how I could have gotten

So in love with someone so quickly

Like a teenager who doesn’t know better

I feel like I dreamed it

And it is all too much to take

I was already struggling with depression

I felt I was just coming out of it

But now this

WHY THIS

I feel sick

And now I’m sinking

Sinking……

I had hope again

And once again

It’s gone

I feel that I am unloveable

That I am flawed

That I am fundamentally broken

And that I am not meant to be loved

I didn’t want to eat over this

But I couldn’t take the pain

So I drank instead

Back to alcohol I went

As if that’s a better choice

I shouldn’t be drinking

But when I don’t eat my emotions

I drink them instead

And these are two things I can’t do

I was in a downward spiral

Sinking fast

One good thing came of this

I realize now I have some true friends

Friends I didn’t realize were so real

Until this happened

And suddenly they stepped up

Reached out

And said WE ARE HERE

Because Savannah called Amanda

My best friend who lives in Virginia

She is like my sister

And she began calling my two local friends

She knew could immediately reach me

My friend Patrick from high school

Recently moved here last year

He’s a personal trainer and he’s been trying to get me

To work out with him

To hang out with him

To renew our friendship

But I don’t make friends easily

I don’t get close to people in real life

But Patrick has never given up trying

He told me he wants to be a true friend to me

Because he understands the things I’ve been through

Because he’s been through hard times too

Patrick and his wife , Kayla,  are having a baby

They don’t have family here

He’s been telling me that for awhile

To let him be family to me

Because I am not the only one living alone out here

Patrick never gives up trying

Never stops reaching out and believing in me

And even though I rarely have given him a reason to be a friend to me

This week he rushed in

Both him and his wife

And proved to me that regardless of getting nothing in return

He would be there for me and the children

Whatever it took

My friend Krystal has known me for 7 years

We met when our kids were in class together

She knew me when I was over 400 pounds

And she’s always told me I could do this

That I could lose this weight

But I’ve been the same way with her

Often hiding in the house

Closed off

Not always willing to get too close

But yet she’s still there

She keeps trying

She keeps trying to knock down my walls

And prove her friendship is there

Simply because she cares

These 3 friends

Patrick and Amanda and Krystal

They didn’t  know each other

Until now

Because they started a chain

They all got in contact

A circle of sorts with each one of them calling in

Taking turns monitoring the situation

These 3 people who don’t even know each other

Connected over a common interest

ME

MY CHILDREN

MY FAMILY

The three of them formed a circle around me

And wouldn’t let me go through this alone

Amanda and Patrick and Krystal

Became family to me

Because sometimes people prove themselves

To be more than friends

And my family grew overnight

Because of them

They all were calling each other on the phone

Making plans with Savannah

Intervening

They called my psychiatrist that I’d been seeing

And took me in for an emergency meeting

They watched my kids for me

And Patrick took me home with him and his wife

They stayed with me through the night

They prayed for me

And somehow I went to sleep and made it through that horrible night

I am going to see the therapist tomorrow

My friends are monitoring me

Encouraging me

And offering to do whatever it took to help me through this

I don’t like what happened

But it proved one thing to me

I have never reached out to people

I didn’t believe anyone would find me worthy of their time

I didn’t want to hassle anyone

But even without me reaching out

THEY REACHED IN

I feel for the first time in my life

I have real people that care

I’m not alone

I feel as if I met the person

I’ve waited 7 years to meet

To lose him was hard

Even if it was me that pushed him away

Even if I am the one who screwed it up

But still….it hurt

To feel love again

And lose it

The pain felt so great

That a part of me wanted to just go to sleep and never wake up again

Some part of me wondered if by some accident I slipped away

That it wouldn’t really matter

That maybe the world would just be better off without me

Because I am so destroyed by this situation

The idea that I can’t be good enough for any man

And it’s too exhausting to know

That my mistakes may always be the driving force

Behind the ruin of my relationships

It’s hard for me to be involved with a man

It’s just so hard

Because I fear they will leave

Like my father did when I was 12

Like my husband did in 2006

I can’t get in too deep again

I can’t get too attached

Because I can’t take another heartbreak

But that’s exactly what I did

I got sucked in

I let him take root in my heart

And now he’s in there

And I don’t know how to let it go

I don’t know how this happened

But I feel sometimes I’m the one

That messes it up every time

Some days I feel the kids would be better off without me

Because I’m so screwed up

But God tells me that being screwed up

Is not a good enough reason to quit life

So even if I feel the kids deserve better than me

It doesn’t give me the right to check out

I may feel like I should

But I have to believe God has the ability

To raise me up again

And give me the strength and guidance

To keep going

If only for them

I haven’t felt this way since my husband walked out on me

I never thought I’d feel this low again

It’s the only other time in my life I’ve ever wanted to check out

And It’s a horrible feeling

I hate it

I thought losing this weight would make things better

But in some ways it just made it worse

Because now life is available to me

And I’m too scared to really go out there and live it

Because I’ve felt pain so deep it almost killed me

And I can’t risk that again

Should I just lock the doors and stay inside?

Hide back in my recliner where I used to

Safe from the world and the risks involved

When we take that leap of faith to love

The psychiatrist changed my medication

He gave me something stronger so I can sleep at night

I can’t sleep anymore

The insomnia rages on

My family, friends and even my doctor

Told me to go visit Amanda

Amanda has been on the phone daily with my friends

With the doctors

She’s monitoring every thing

She is like my sister

And she said she won’t let me lose this fight

Drift away…

That we’ll get through this together

Savannah graduated from high school and has a car

I have two friends  (Patrick and his wife Kayla) coming to stay with the kids as well

They said they will plan fun things for them

And for me to just get on a plane

And go see Amanda

Why am I so hurt over this?

Why do I feel so close to the edge?

I was better off before

When my heart was closed

Because this love made me dream again

And now I hurt for what never was

And what never will be

I can’t keep spiraling downward this way

I’m letting down my children

As a mother, I should protect them

Because I’m 227 pounds thinner

But  I question everything about myself

I wonder if any man will ever truly love me

If I’ll ever be good enough

So my friends have made arrangements for my children

And I’m going to visit Amanda

I need time away

So I can see clearly

So I can find my way again

Right now nothing makes sense

And the tears won’t stop falling

I didn’t need this

Things were already tough

I was already strugglinng with depression

This was just the last straw for me

I pray God shows me the way out of this pit

Because I’m tired of being here down in the mud

I’m tired of taking a leap of faith

And then jumping backwards

Because I panic and can’t handle the risk involved

And now

I just want to sleep

Close my eyes

And make the world go away

But first I’ll kiss my children goodbye

And get on that plane

And hope a change of pace will do me some good

Because I’m tired

I’m just so tired

And I feel that it’s sinking sand

I need God to carry me now

I pray He will

It looks like Governor Chris Christie

Had lapband surgery on the sly

He checked into a hospital under a secret name

Over President’s Day Weekend

I wonder if that is a clue

That he’s planning to run for President?

And if so….is his effort to lose the weight

A health decision?

Or a political decision?

I wrote a post awhile back

Called Weight Vs. Intelligence

Where I discussed my own personal experiences

With how people perceived me at over 400 pounds

Even though I had a Masters degree

And I tried to dress as well as I could given my very limited options

Many people assumed that I was lazy

Uneducated

Undisciplined

And generally incapable of fulfilling a purpose

I had a very difficult time getting hired

I had a very difficult time making friends

And I found myself often having doors slammed in my face

And notes left on my car telling me

You need to lose weight

There was also that super special moment

When the guy in the truck yelled at me

“Go back in the house…you’re too fat to be outside”

I didn’t know there was a weight limit

For being seen in public

And the best part about that story

Is that this happened to me while I was outside exercising

TRYING TO CHANGE

And even then he said that to me

Ironically that same exact man whistled out the window at me the other day

And called me a Hot Mama

Apparently some people in the world truly only see

YOUR WEIGHT

Is it true that people who are obese have a problem with food?

That they have a problem being disciplined with their eating?

Well yeah….obviously

And guess what?

A lot of people who are really fit and in perfect physical shape

Have problems too

Almost no one has it all together perfectly

Some people have secrets that no one knows

Maybe they are alcoholics or shopaholics

Maybe they have a nicotine addiction

Maybe a drug addiction

A porn addiction

Maybe they can’t stop biting their nails

Who knows?!!

The difference is this

They don’t get out a big black marker

And write their problems out on poster board

Then sling it across their chest and wear it

Like those people on the side of the road

Wearing signs and waving their hands

Because there is a sale on furniture

Or they want your business

But people with weight problems

They can hide from no one

Every day their private struggle is showcased for the world to see

Will Chris Christie be a better candidate for the Presidency if he loses weight?

I would say yes and here’s why

He’s already been attacked for his weight before

And he’s been the punchline of jokes for quite awhile

So clearly it will be used against him when the mud slinging starts

In addition to that, people do often take a candidate’s health status into account

People want a healthy President

And they don’t want to fear he’ll die of a heart attack one month in

There are lots of reasons for why people might think a Presidential candidate

Should be in good physical shape

And not all of those reasons are from some prejudice against the obese

Many of them are legitimate

Am I in better physical condition today

Than I was 227 pounds ago?

You better believe it

My life was a nightmare before

I had problems just walking across the room

I had no energy at all

And I couldn’t even sleep at night due to sleep apnea

Waking me up 14 times a night feeling as if I was choking to death

So will ANYONE be better at their job

If they are in better physical condition?

OF COURSE

But is he losing this weight for himself?

Or for his potential candidacy?

No one knows

If you ask me—probably both

Sometimes in life we need a catalyst

Extra motivation

To get something done

Haven’t we all talked about “That moment”

The moment of truth

Where you finally hit the bottom and say

I’m doing this

I’m pulling the trigger

And I’m going for it

For me that catalyst was being over 400 pounds

Not being able to breathe

Barely being able to walk

And realizing as a single mother of 4 kids

I might be leaving them as practically orphans

I almost didn’t care anymore if I lost weight for myself

That’s how hopeless I was at the time

That’s how lost I was in my food addiction

I had no hope

No belief or faith in my own abilities to change

But I didn’t want to die because I love my children

And I wanted to live

FOR THEM

So after years of trying to do it without surgery

I finally just went for it

And played my last card

My last resort

And I had the gastric sleeve in July 2011

I’ve lost 227 pounds since that time

And NOT just because I had surgery

Surgery is one part of the plan

But trust me when I say

Surgery alone would NEVER be enough

I have a serious eating disorder

A binge eating disorder

Stress, anxiety, depression—can all lead me to food

I have had to fight my way out of the prison my body had become

Like a warrior on the battlefield

Like a boxer in the ring

And I have to keep fighting every single day

Or it will all slip away

Even recently I gained back 10 pounds

And why?

Because I’m a person whose weakness is food

And no matter what surgery you have

It only changes your stomach

Not your brain

Not your mind

Not your heart

This is why you must fight for it

But the good news is this

YOU CAN WIN

I had to change what I was eating

I had to cut out sugar

I had to start working out

And when I could barely walk

I just went 30 seconds at a time

Until I made it to the mailbox

And then I just kept going

Step by step

Day by day

Committing to this change

FOR LIFE

And deciding once and for all

I would not give up this time

My inspiration was my brother

Who had full blown diabetes and lung disease

High blood pressure and high cholesterol

Who was 454 pounds

Living on oxygen

Before he had Lapband surgery

And lost over 275 pounds

Now he runs Triathlons

He knows what it is like

To play that last card

To get the surgery

And try one last time

To find hope

My brother and I both know that weight loss surgery

Is not just some easy way to get the weight off

Because we’ve both worked our literal butts off

In this fight

I think Governor Christie is brave to come out and publicly tell people

That he did this

Because the reality is this

Many people fail on diets

On ANY diet

Including weight loss surgery

But now he’s put it out there for the world to see

And the pressure is on

Because if they were already making fun of him

Imagine what they’ll say

If he has surgery

And STILL doesn’t lose the weight

Many people don’t want to have weight loss surgery

Because they wonder about that

About playing that last card

“What if I STILL fail??” …they wonder

That’s a scary proposition

But we don’t have to fear it

So long as we know

Surgery is a tool

And that’s all

It’s not up to the surgery alone

To do the job

There are many factors involved

And you can be in control of them all

We think we can’t control it

We can’t do it

But that’s because we’ve failed too many times

And lost hope

So here’s the secret

Step by step

30 seconds at a time

YOU can overcome this

Because as time goes on

You will get stronger

And when you allow yourself to have hope

That things can change

You will find

They CAN change

So even if you fall

You’ll know to just get up

And keep going

The truth is this

Weight loss is a serious fight

It’s a battle

And we all need help sometimes

Shoot….

I need help DAILY

But I do know this

For anyone who struggles with their weight

From those with just  a few pounds to lose

To people with severe eating disorders

THERE IS HOPE

The weight loss journey is a roller coaster ride

And there are many paths you can take

Some choose surgery

And some do not

Many want surgery but can’t get it because their insurance denies them

I wonder if Governor Christie were President

If that would change?

I was denied three times by my insurance

And self payed

Trust me

I could have bought a car

And instead

I got 85% of my stomach removed

Should I have been able to lose weight on my own?

Do I wish I had been successful some other way?

Here’s the deal

No one would undergo surgery voluntary unless they really thought

There was a better option

But do I believe people can do this WITHOUT weight loss surgery?

YES I DO

Because I have not lost 227 pounds due purely to surgery

I did it by changing almost every single thing in my life

From how I eat

To how I schedule my day

I had to do a complete overhaul

I”ve been in therapy

And I have basically done every possible thing I can think of

To increase my chances of success

That’s what you have to do in life

When you’re David with a pebble

And Goliath is staring you down ready to stomp you into the ground

I’m looking forward to what lies ahead for Governor Christie

And not for political reasons

Because I really don’t do politics

And never write about it

But I find this story interesting

And I”m rooting for the guy

He’s got guts

Because he’s never denied he had a weight problem

And when people were making jokes

He did his best to just “take it like a man”

And keep trucking….

I admire that

I hope he’s successful

But not so he can become President

So he can see what life is like

When you’re FREE

When you can breathe and move and sit in a booth

When you can run and play with your children

Without feeling like you’re about to have a heart attack

I want Governor Christie to know the joy that comes

From being free from that food obsession

To walk through a store and not be stared at

To not be the joke

To not have to always prove yourself worthy

Because of your weight

I want that for him

I want that for everyone

Because I can tell you from personal experience

It’s worth it

You can follow me on twitter @300poundsdown

You can follow my brother on twitter @30sectovictory

You can also find me at the 300 Pounds Down Facebook Page