With this commercial, 30 Seconds of Hell kick-starts our continuing “Tall as a Damn Mountain” series, wherein we cull commercials with the tallest people in all the land.

Part one of our series features another clever commercial from ESPN’s Sportscenter. This commercial features former-NBA Allstar, Gheorghe Muresan, a 7′ 7” center who played for the Washington Bullets in the ’90s. He is really tall. Gheorghe is such an erudite — a damn tall erudite — that he starred in My Giant (1998) with co-star, Billy Crystal.

In a white-collar office setting, we observe colossal hulking Gheorghe Muresan as dances. This may sound like a TALL TALE; however, this did happen, this really happened, in real life, this is not a tall tale, it’s tall entertainment, a tall pleasure every dance-step of the way.

I like to think of the creative board meetings, the pre-productions phases of this project that prefaced. I imagine the creative team being like, “Hey, what we got, whose got a pitch, hurry up, I’m not listening.” Soon after, someone meek stands up and says, “I colored-penciled storyboards with Gheorghe Muresan dancing in the office.” The creative director, whilst smoking a cigar, turns and says, “Colored pencil? Oh brother, not more colored pencils. Kid, are you shitting me?” The meek man replies, “24 piece Crayola. Sharpened as a Native American arrow head.” The cigar-ed boss replies, “Kid, you’re promoted, I’m so sick of all these schmucks drawing with those garbage brands Rose Art and Color Busters.” Cigar boss turns to Belinda, the secretary, “Get Gheorghe Muresan’s agent on the phone, pronto, or YOU’RE FIRED.”

Before I wrote this digressing review, I thought of transcribing the entire commercial — then I realized that would be a waste of time, for I’m watching CNBC right now, and American Greed is on. My point is this: take your money out of banks and stuff it under your mattress, pay attention to the simple dialogue in this commercial, and enjoy yourself whilst Gheorghe Muresan dances.

After writing this, I now realize that most of Gheorghe’s fame and success in the public eye has focused only on his height, and despite the title of this post, this post is about the joy Gheorghe spreads. It’s not all about his height, it’s about what’s inside of his tall body, and inside of his tall body is a big, warm heart.

Rating: 30 Seconds of Heaven

Sky-tops Gheorghe Muresan greets us at the door with a sky-high welcome

“Credit card, you got it.” — Macaulay Culkin, as Kevin, in Home Alone 2: Lost in New York (1992).

Credit card, you got it. Credit Cards: can’t live with ‘em and you can’t shoot ‘em. Card Credits: our nation is in debt. Dear credit cards, in the 1990s, you bought so many damn speed boats and jet-skis for people, and someday you will be burned at the stake like a witch, and hanged, like Bernie Madoff, in town square.

Discover Card, on the other hand, seems to be the ‘indie’ credit card (does urban outfitters have a credit card special savings signup? Umm, don’t know, don’t care) and this commercial with the faux hair band is pretty clever.

The commercial runs like a VH1 Behind the Music documentary, a show I have always admired, and it certainly packs a punch within its 30 seconds. This commercial is effective, and glory glory hallelujah, it’s watchable.

We hear the band’s story, starting from the glory-days — lil red corvette, cover of Rolling Stone, giant credit card, jacuzzi-limo — and travel in time, to the future, with our 30 Seconds of Hell helicopter landing on the inevitable 30 Seconds of Hell helicopter landing pad, where we exit the helicopter, and walk to an ending where one of the dudes from Danger Kitty works a hot dog stand.

The commercial is much like the teachings of an Aesop Fable, teaching us: be frugal with your money and stop buying jacuzzi-tubs, plush spa robes, summer homes in Maine, and a three-fleet of shreddin’ jet-skis, colored hot green, electric pink, and outrageous orange, respectively.

Their slogan is clever: “For the slightly smarter consumer.” Here we have a credit card company telling the consumer to, and I am paraphrasing, ‘cool your jets on the spending.’

Rating: 30 Seconds of Heaven

This commercial is both funny and scary to me.  This bug speaks with a calm, creepy baritone voice that reminds me of the killer from “No Country for Old Men.”  You know he really wants to do more than use your phone, but you can’t help but be caught off guard by his compliment of your beautiful oak floors.  Do you let him in?

Review: 30 seconds of creepy insect heaven.

Correct me if I’m wrong, but this ad from 1982 was aired right around that time that AIDS (the disease) was becoming a global crisis.  I’m not sure how they didn’t see this as the “worst possible name for a diet pill,” at the time.  That’s like naming a tobacco product canzer.

Rating:  30 seconds of whoopsies

This one seems to have really taken a page out of Sega CD’s playbook. See “older posts,” for evidence.

Rating: 30 seconds of unoriginal ideas.

Okay, I think we all agree that these commercials for The General auto insurance are ugly. Distractingly ugly. The General himself has a rasping voice, is three-feet-tall, has a wilting white mustache, and wears his helmet so low that you cannot see his eyes. He seems like a stereotypical general, but what are the origins of this zany stereotype?

The best part of this spot is the CGI sky diving. If this was live-action sky-diving, this 30 second spot might receive a 30 Seconds of Heaven rating, but it’s CGI, everything in this campaign is CGI, and The General drives a hummer.

Why would anyone trust a company with commercial like this?

By the way, I was looking for the general commercial where the general delivers the proof-of-insurance in a pizza box, but to no avail.

Rating: 30 Seconds of HELL

Wieden + Kennedy. This campaign has been running since the Fax-Machine Era. It’s still funny most of the time. Wally should have received an EMMY or a 30 Seconds of Hell Awardy Award for his acting here. Disappointed, dejected, heartbroken. We’ve been there, pal. And, fuck the Yankees and the Red Sox.

Rating: 30 Seconds of Heaven

“I’m going to get my hands on your data.” Chck, plicka, keyboard-chck chk, blk chica chica. Whence that onomatopoeia? One word: yourkompacpresariokomputerkeyboard or wordprocessor unit from the early ’90s. “I’m going to get into your system.”

Once upon a time beofore the monumental cgi of the awe-inspiring film Titanic, a movie that made me cry in the 5th grade, Leonardo Decaprio gave an honest effort to inform ambivilant white-collared workers of the importance of computer safety. Soon after, James Cameron, mastermind director of Terminator (1984) and Terminator 2 : Judgement Day (1994), had a dangerous run-in with a flanneled computer hacker (marrymeleo!!!). Honestly, this problem stemmed from the fact that Cameron named his password ‘corvette,’ due to the fact that 99.99% of the time he was day-dreamin’ of riding in a candy-apple corvette. He would wake up in the morning: candy apple corvette. Before nighty-night: candy apple corvette.

29 seconds in, we hear an insightful testimony from an insightful asian man whom tells us, “someone got my password (much like Camron, the password was [little-red] corvette, a password derived from the subconscious of our world).” “Soon after, some flanneled dude [sic] has the audacity to walk in with a yellow toolbox and ask my smoking-hot red-blazered sexy-secretary [sic] something stupid, but smart.” The secrety confirms this occurrence: “He had a special toolbox.”

This public service announcement spurred an epiphany within meee-self: every night, I see strangers digging through my dumpster — now I know they are looking for my top secret 4″ floppy discs. Those are those plastic things capable of storin’ 7.11kb of data, and sometimes I even store my MS paint artwork on there — my illustrations of important things. No worries, though. I can turn back time. Yeah, baby, belly that.

“Usually when you think hackers, you think [super] computers, and the data stored in those computers.” adds an unknown but authoritative guy, “sometimes the hackers try to get the data in our heads.”

The truth is out there.

2:20 in, a wild sighting of Delaney Driscoll, a supporting actress that starred in Alexander Payne’s Election (1999). Wow, is this really true?

The following still-image sequence features impeccable use of the diagonal yellow-to-blue graphic gradient. This gradient was created in MS-Paint, version 2.0. This is teamed with impeccable use of beveled borders on the title captions.

So team, what have we learned? Many things, one being the importance of cause-and-effect. Be safe with your computer passwords and floppy discs; that, and take your time, everything is perfectly fine, and have fun whilst at work. Both men and women at work.

Rating: 30 seconds of heaven

You took too much, man, you took too much, too much. There is a song that sums up this review:

Rating: 30 Seconds of Heaven

Dear diary, hi again, this is your friend Bi-Bi, and after my daddy bought me baby rollerblade we went to Tahiti, and Bi-Bi and baby rollerblade went rollerblading with mommy. When did many super-fun things.

(1) Went rollerblading. check √
(2) Drank fruit punch. check √
(3) Bi-Bi played with rollerblade baby. check √
(4) Daddy bought Bi-Bi a new doggie. check √
(5) Bi-Bi eat ice cream. check √
(6) Bi-Bi spend money. check √
(7) Bi-Bi throw a hissy when mommy fight with daddy. check √
(8) Bi-Bi throw frisbee with rollerblade baby. check √
(9) Bi-Bi get hungry and go pee-pee. check √
(10) Doggie go pee-pee in hotel room a me hidey. check √
(11) Mommy and daddy take Bi-Bi and rollerblade baby to believe-it-or-not museum owned by Ripley’s. check √

Dear diary, vacation was fun.

Rating: 30 Seconds of Hell

Hi, I’m here to talk to you about money. Look at me — I’m walking around a beautfiul desert landscape, talking about making money, and tell you that, “the American dream is gone and it ain’t coming back.” During shooting breaks, the production team drank fruit punch and ate edible panties — over 10 boxes of edible panties —boy, our dogs were tired after that day of shooting.

Luckily, we had some nice and dandy unpaid commerical actors providing testimonies regarding our unscucessful scheme program that since has folded. Footage of these unpaid commerical actors gave us something to cut away to, because I (i’m in the cowboy hat) cut my shooting schedule short — frankly, I ate too many gosh darn edible panties. Then our unpaid production assistants and our unpaid interns ran to the store to buy more edibile panties. What were they thinking? More edible panties? Those damn unpaid interns and production assistants should know better; they know I can’t stop eating edible panties.

Get a load of this: after production ended, my unpaid producer hauls in this box filled with receipts to me, receipts from the unpaid interns and production assistants, askin’ I be reimbersin’ for their takin’ kindly to my edible panty-fixin’-hankerin’. Now I’m a straight shooter and I tell ‘em how it tis: “You’re unpaid! Christ, you knew you’re going to be unpaid at the darn time you signed your unpaid contract. Were you expecting a for-hire opportunity after production? Don’t make me laugh. Christ, I ain’t ‘embersing you for the edible panties. I don’t care what you do on your tax returns. Cook the books or something. Write it off as a gift! Leave me alone, I want to play with my toys in my office.”

Wow-wee. Production was something else. My dogs were killin’ after production.

Rating: 30 Seconds of Hell

Well, holy hell. If there’s one thing the teabagging masses love it’s people dressed in colonial garb. If there’s another thing, it’s furries dressed in colonial garb. Rick Barber is flirting with Tea Party perfection here, especially since he’s ignoring some rather notable historical facts. He almost seems like he’s doing it on purpose.

Take it away Dave Weigel

He appeals to Washington as the owner of a distillery who “knows how tough it is to run a small business without a tyrannical government on your back.” But President Washington presided over, and approved, the first tax levied by the federal government — the 1791 whiskey tax. When the tax met resistance, he approved the assembling of militias to enforce the law and mobilization of agents to collect the revenue. So the Barber daydream of Washington angrily ordering a “gathering of armies” to oppose a tax is… well, entertaining, I guess

Anyway, with Tim James and Dale Peterson inexplicably losing their primaries, this Rick Barber J-hole will be supplying more than his share of idiot theatrics for the rest of the cycle.

Rating: Thirty Seconds of Hell

I’ve been giving Chrysler a lot of shit lately so I’ve been trying to find a new ad of theirs that I don’t dislike. Well here it is. I googled for about 20 seconds and couldn’t find the company that produced this spot. Whoever it is, it is obvious they’ve been keeping their eyes on A Continuous Lean

It is interesting however, that Chrysler waited until they were disowned by the Germans and adopted by the Italians to get all jingoistic.

Rating: Thirty Seconds of Heaven

What can we say about this “new classic” that hasn’t already been said? The weird thing is that it does actually give me the willies toward the end. Real, genuine goosebumps and not goosebumps in name only. (GINOs)

Rating:30 seconds minutes of hell.

This commercial is low fidelity — no excuses — this kid is speaking martian.

Some say, in the late ’80s and early ’90s, that Nerf was a government subsidiary with a mission to mint condition the minds of children for an oncoming intergalactic war with “unknown and unseen ‘invaders.’”

After many botched theories, the U.S. Government concluded that Nerf Corporation would move forward by, “just selling toys, packaged in radical and booger-ish boxes, with GPS tracking chips implanted”; notwithstanding, this video speaks martian, in plain broken english.

Rating: 30 Seconds of Hell

Like, um, like, somebody call the dork police, and the fashion police, because this spot is so totally 30 seconds of dork-alert-5000.

This commercial is a recipe for a dork-disaster: 1) the commercial is driven by a kids’ bop rendition of the “Bly Gotta Feelin’ kick-start-party-song by the Black Eyed Peas. 2) the opening line of the song is, “Didn’t know, couldn’t see, what was around the corner for me. Let’s go!” 3) the kids bop vocalist is dressed in autotune, and this is a textbook example of a creative team shamelessly jumping on the ephemeral autotune bandwagon.

4) The commercial flagrantly targets caricatured demographics — only those who can afford a weber, of course — which, in this case, is the widowed, prim and proper, affluent grey panther; the wholesome African-American male who lives in the suburbs and is happy; the lonesome librarian who lives by herself and has fun by herself; and the jolly bearded gas station attendant (he’s the lil shocker). This blogger will omit the rest of the dorks, because I respect you, and because this dork-ball video-mash subsequently welters into an unsightly meatball — hot and ready to be charred on the ole’ web grill.

However, I do appreciate the female backing vocals, 0:26 in, when we hear a passionate, “Come on — yeah!”

Rating: 30 Seconds of hot-and-ready propane gasy hell

Here’s a fun one. This Willie Horton ad is a classic. Notice how the words “Kidnapping”, “Stabbing”, and “Raping” appear on the screen. Michael Dukakis personally let Willie out of his cell. Willie kept saying “Mike, I cannot wait to get out of this jail cell so that I can commence with the rapin’” and Dukakis was like, “Hold your horses, we’ll get you out on the streets in no time. God George HW Bush would totally kick my ass if he knew I was doing this, haw haw, gimme some more blow (COCAINE), haw, haw.”

The ad played a significant role in getting Bush elected. Dukakis is the president of his cell block in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.

And that is why we won the first Gulf War so decisively. And then Ross Perot.

Rating: Thirty Seconds of Heaven

Agency: Wieden+Kennedy (!?)

I can’t remember the last time I saw a Chrysler ad or product that wasn’t horrible. With this new spot from the venerable Wieden + Kennedy, they have reached a new low. It’s 2 minutes of just totally incomprehensible bullshit.

I really hope Fiat can turn this ship around and sell some Alfa Romeos in process.

Chrysler used to make this, now they specialize in making me want to vomit.

Rating: Thirty Seconds of Hell

So, your ol’ pal Comrade Teargaskov’s been away for a while. Yep, fightin’ in them culture wars has taken me away from the ‘puter for a spell, but I’m back.

One of our chief allies in this here war, and it is a war mind you, is Dale Peterson. He’s old school conservatism mixed with the quick cuts popularized by the Music Television in the 1980s. He has a gun and he has a plan for Alabama. Elect this fella. Facebook.

Thanks to Wonkette for tipping me off to this wonderful ad.

NOTE: THIS AD IS SO GOOD THAT IT MAY BE WIDER THAN OUR THEME ALLOWS IN SOME BROWSERS. DEAL WITH IT, HIPPIE.

Thirty Seconds of Heaven!

This commercial is darkness. Corporate mania.

Rating: 30 Seconds of Hell.

Lovesick of Television

Sometimes you need to take a break from television commercial reviews, simply because you are overwhelmed by how much you love to be sick by television.

In this instance, this Capri Sun©®™ commercial — great juice pouch, btw — speaks volumes. Some might describe Capri Sun as a nice juice pouch to sip from as you take a nice stroll beside the lakeside. I want to be on this beautiful beach, whilst sippin’ my Capri Sun©®™. I’ll tell you why: it is a Capri Sun island paradise, and that’s a fact. I want to be in this commercial: it states that the Capri Sun ©®™ fruit drink is 11% juice, which, by today’s 2010 standards, is the purrrfect amount of juice to fuel one throughout the day. Just like this Capri Sun ©®™ commercial states: there is only one, Capri Sun. Time to hit the beach! Big Waves to hit, y’all!

Rating: 30 Seconds of Heaven

Official Synopsis from the Ad Agency: What do you get when you combine a classic hit, unforgettable choreography and first-rate comedic talent? You get Turn the Tub Around, a multi-faceted musical campaign for I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter!® that showcases fresh butter taste the healthier way. The campaign stars the multi-talented Emmy® and SAG-award winning actress Megan Mullally and features song and dance videos choreographed by Tyce Diorio.

This is one of those appalling commercials that, when it appears on t.v., will melt your ears off like candle wax. Boy, it sure did butcher that Gloria Estefan song.

Let us take time to acknowledge Tyce Diorio’s masterful choreography. A spin-ful duet-ing tangle. Watch this spot five plus times and you might start appreciating the choreography.

Rating: 30 Seconds of Hell

We may be breaking our rules here; however, this is one dandy television infomercial. This guy is frivolous:

1. He wears a white buttoned all the way to the tippy-top!
2. His maniacal laugh.
3. 16 seconds in, we hear him fall off his car whilst off-screen. (Whilst, whilst, whilst, whilst).
4. “Insert finger here.” Later on, “Insert two fingers here.”

No one in their right mind would have such zest whilst selling clam earrings, earrings made from the same metal material as those crumby, made-in-China rings you buy from the gumball machine for 50¢.

Whilst talking to a guy off-screen, he begins his ventriloquist lip-syncing act. Riotous!

Oh, but how I love the lavender picture-in-picture that frames he whilst the close-up of the clam earrings hang on screen. This spring, oh have I longed, and whilst longing, I have looked for thee, and now I have found the ne plus ultra picture-in-picture infomercial where a frivolous guy deals clam shell earrings at DOOR BUSTER prices.

The ultimate highlight of this spot is when the riotous guy demonstrates a ‘how to: insert earrings into your ear.’ I love this guy … come to think, I wouldn’t mind being an infomercial dude who sells clam shell earrings. As a matter of fact, I would probably model myself after this guy. Wow, this guy is really great. I hope he reads this. I wonder how many earrings he sold that day. Thousands.

Rating: 30 Seconds of Whilst

I’m not entirely clear on what this commercial is supposed to be advertising for, but it sure is offensive. No amount of sentimental banjo playing or smiling black laborers can convince me otherwise.

Confederate Family acknowledges that many other people might feel similarly to me and answers back with the statement, “no matter what they call you, at the end of the day, you’re still just Dad.” Yes, a very racist Dad in a very racist family. Congratulations!

Our next racist ad needs no explanation. If you are not offended by this, there is seriously something wrong with you.
Rating: 60 Seconds of Offensive

This lost gem from 1994 is one of those “is this a real product?” commercials that makes you wonder how well they thought the product’s name through. I realize that 1994 was over 15 years ago, but I’m pretty sure the term “boner,” has been used as slang for an erect penis since at least the mid ’80s. How could the Wunder Boner’s creator have not realized this? Or maybe it’s possible that they purposely chose such a silly name as a way to use humor to sell their product.

The ad starts with a simple premise; three friends fishing on a warm summer’s day. One friend seems to be humoring the other two by continuing to hang out with them after becoming a successful businessman while they work to get their high-school equivalency. The two “good-ol’ boys,” are suddenly shocked when their pretentious asshole of a friend willingly offers to clean the day’s catch. This turns into another opportunity for him to condescendingly teach his less fortunate friends something new. Thus, the unveiling of the ‘Wunder Boner.”

As the product is gruesomely demonstrated, one can’t help but think of the word, “Fatality!” from the popular Mortal Kombat video-game series. One friend (whose secret acting weapon is simply tipping his University of Michigan baseball cap before speaking) exclaims “the Wunder Boner!” The other, more portly gentlemen, jokes “my wife would like that.” It’s statements like this which make me think more and more, that whoever wrote the script for this commercial was having a lil’ bit o’ fun with it. The ad ends with the three friends sitting around a campfire, merrily feasting on their perfectly de-boned fish. All parties agree, “the Wunder Boner is a winner.”

Rating: 30 Seconds of WTF?