Move forward to today. 

Where am I now?

So what’s next?

I usually am never at a loss for words. Place me in a situation where I would need to make new friends/acquaintances, I would come out with not just one but two or more new friends. But this time, I was lost. It felt like blogging was a forced ritual for me. It was sad, because this is therapy for me.

What changed now? Something you would probably ask; I guess it was a multitude of things happening in my life.

It’s been a year and more since I started this blog. It lead me to greater paths and I believe, a much stronger person. Somehow though, you have to go through any form of silence to come to terms with what’s in front of you.

Like I mentioned earlier, it was a number of reasons which lead me to my abrupt break. It was really not just about the ex coming back– it was also trying to cope with who I was becoming and changing into. I thought I was done with change, but change is never really over with anything at all. I’m at a loss of where I actually want to be in my life. I know what I want for my future, but I feel scared that every step I take seems to be taking me further away from it. It’s as if I was starting to get scared of taking risks when I never really was before.

If you must know, the ex and I are not back together. Upon getting to know each other again, we both realized that we still need to fix a lot of things with ourselves. It’s no longer a priority to be with someone, but to actually be happy and satisfied with just our own self. So we still see each other, but we have a more important agenda, if you will, to work on. Love of a partner is less important than Love of Self.

With everything I have learned recently, I realized that it’s the mindset that I have that limits me from achieving great things. It’s what stops me from moving on– from pushing myself beyond the boundaries. It could be a result from my upbringing, experiences and environment that I was exposed to. I have to stop it now.

I guess, this blog still fits the theme. Everyday is a renewal of the past. To face the future, one must be aware of the risks, changes and unusual events that will come their way. Why not? Everyone wants a new beginning. It just has to start with you, me, and everyone else.

….

I’ve racked my brain and heart in finding the right inspiration for my next post here on 365. I know there are so many topics I could blog about, but to find a certain topic that I am ready and would love to write about is a bit difficult. As many of you know, I write every other two weeks or so. I find that blogging or writing for me can be a bit of a struggle. I am an aspiring blogger/writer/whatever you call it, but I am not one of those talented writers/bloggers that can write/blog about anything under the sun with just a snap of a finger. Shakespeare, Virginia Woolf, and Jane Austen; I am definitely not.

I do envy them somehow, and wish I could be more like that.

Blogging in General

Writing has been a small hobby of mine. When I was younger, I used to write poems when I was in the mood for it. As for blogging, I have done it for quite some time. It started out as a hobby in high school due to my love affair with creating and designing websites. It started out with posts of what I would do everyday… To be honest, I cringe when I read my posts of before. It clearly showed my immaturity and how much I view life. There were some outstanding posts that still make me doubt if it really was me who wrote it,but they’re really just a few. Due to the hustle and bustle of life, I stopped blogging. Even if I missed it so much and tried to blog again, it would just not work out at all.

So now I’m reunited again with blogging, and who knew that I just had to get my heart-broken for me to start?

How Blogging Helps Me Heal

For those who follow or are subscribed or who just silently read 365, from the bottom of my heart, thank you! It definitely took a lot of guts to start this blog, and you guys know how I’ve struggled in blogging about this journey. I tell you, it’s not an easy feat to share your emotions publicly. I do so, because this is therapeutic for me.

I have to thank Catherine for her recent post for inspiring me yet again. That woman is such an inspiration for others who have gone through heart aches, separation of a partner and so much more.

I’ve had a couple of friends, family members, and strangers who disagree with my choice to blog about something so personal. I do understand that they feel that way because of their concern for me. I am thankful for their love and concern; but at this point, I have to find my way on how I could heal. 365 is and was one of the things that has helped me heal.

This blog has helped me tremendously. I believe that it has changed me in being smarter about life in general.

I am a heart over mind person most of the time. It shows with how my friends, most often than not, approach me with their problems about love or emotions. Even with the ex, who is extremely logical about everything, admits that I provide the emotional part in our relationship. But then again, too much of something can be a bad thing. Due to the many occasions that I’ve gone ahead with what my heart feels, before listening to what my mind has to say, I almost always find myself in dire situations. Yes, it can be associated with my impulsive trait. But see, it’s still my emotions that make me impulsive.

365 has helped me so much that if it were still the old me now, I would have jumped on a particular bandwagon I’ve talked about for Day 231. I haven’t changed 180 degrees mind you, but for the most part, I’m handling my affairs better than before. I admit that there is a lot more that I need to work on, but I will not let anything stand in the way. Pathetic as it may seem, I view this blog as one of my best friends. It’s a bit of a, “Dear Diary” complex, I know. But seriously, I am not embarrassed to admit that something seen as juvenile can be extremely helpful in these situations.

I’ve managed to surprise myself continuously with how I could never seem to let this blog go. I know at some point, I would have to re-haul this blog once the actual 365 days is over, but I know that I will make sure that I will still be active with it. Corny as it sounds, this is one of the things that completes me and makes me a full circle.

This blog, isn’t just for me. This is dedicated to all those who have had their heart-broken, lost their beliefs in love and everything else that life has to offer. Never give up. It’s an over-used line that things will be better eventually; the truth is, it really will be. It’s the journey that’s hard to get through, but it is definitely worth it. You end up loving yourself more; plus, you’ll start choosing and doing what’s right for you. If writing isn’t for your cup of tea, do what you can to stay afloat and above water. There are so many things you can do out there. The most important thing is, and I’ll say it again, never give up. Don’t give up on you. People come and go, at the end of the day, it’s just yourself that you have to face to. Meditate on how you want to view yourself. Take it step by step, and sooner or later, you’ll be doing bigger and better things that you thought you never could. If it gets tough, just try to always believe in yourself. Lastly, if it gets too difficult handling things by yourself, never hesitate to ask your loved ones for help.

 The numerous support that I’ve received from this blog and the people around me has made me believe in a better tomorrow. I hope you all do as well.

The only constant thing in life is change. Most often than not, we reject the thoughts and actions of it due to the consequences that come with change. Needless to say, humans would rather have their safety blankets wrapped around them, than be exposed to the unforeseen events life gives them.

It’s been a month since I last wrote about my experiences. What can I say? Numerable events fell upon my lap and I’m still getting some more. Up till now, I’m a bit shocked and have recently started feeling good about it. This year, as all of you know, has put me through a roller-coaster ride and I’m so ready to get off. Apparently, it is not through with me yet.

I actually thought a month before that I’ve gone through so much and have already started to heal. Once again, I was wrong. Where do I even start explaining? Like what a really good friend has told me, I should start from the start; that’s where the healing and acceptance begins.

Originally, my next post was supposed to be about hypocrisy. You see, I started feeling like I was a hypocrite. There I was expressing my belief in letting him and everything that happened go; but apparently, I was still holding on. Yes, I’ve accepted the, “us,” I loved was no longer something that could happen. But, I couldn’t seem to let go of my love for him. There were days when I couldn’t shrug the feeling off, and I would be weak because of that. I was more mad at myself because I was letting someone else and my feelings get the best of me. I really admire the people who can just let it go with a snap of a finger. Due to the fact that I’m a sniveling sentimental and emotional person, it takes me longer than a snap of a finger to shrug it all off. What did I do? I finally made sure we had a clean break. In the end, I found myself starting to be okay, again. Little did I know, I would find myself in the middle of another test.

What do you do when you constantly hear rumors of your ex getting back on the dating horse? Of course, it breaks your heart. I know mine broke again for the nth time. I’m not proud of it, but it threw me off of my healing path. It had to stop. I was back again to an emotional state, which of course, did not do me good. It had to take a cousin of mine to get mad and tell me straight out that this is stupidity all over again. Just be happy for the ex; fix and love myself; and then move on.

Tried that, succeeded and chanced upon some honest to goodness realizations while I was in it. Now darlings, that wasn’t the end of it. Who would’ve guessed, a large bomb was suddenly dropped on me this past week. The ex has found somewhat what he has been looking for. According to him, it’s me that he wants and needs to have by his side from now until God knows when. Now, he’s back. No, we’re not together. He’s just there.. proving and showing that he’s serious about this and really sees me in his future.

I know I should be happy, heck, my wish came true. Surprisingly, I’m not jumping on to that particular bandwagon. I’m watching from afar, debating with my mind and heart whether I should go on or not. One thing I am sure of is, I’m putting myself first in everything.

Now, it would’ve been nice if this was all about just love. Mother Change is not making it easy for me. Professionally and physically, I was given a couple of changes. Somehow, everything just piled up. I lost track of time, myself, and friends.

Through all of this, I sincerely do believe and understand now that God has reasons that we could not and cannot even define or understand. Changes are tests, or examinations of our own self. Change is scary most of the time, however, change makes us stronger and better people at the end of the day. Who isn’t scared of changes? I know, I’m scared of it. However, if it’s the cure to being a stronger and more mature person… I say, “Bring It On.”

However, as time moves on, people start going through changes. Many Filipino young adults now have started living alone and on their own. Honestly, it takes a lot of courage to go through this. There are some who live on their own and still rely on their parents. Whereas some, solely rely on their hard earnings and savings.

When I decided to move out of my aunt’s house, I was still with the ex then. We were doing great at that time, and he even helped me with the essentials. We cleaned up the place, placed everything in their perspective places.. and when I would need help, I’d usually wait for him to arrive.  Everything that was needed to be done was divided into two. He, being the man, had the luck of doing everything that was heavy and required lots of work and muscle. I, of course, did the dainty things and didn’t really worry about it.

When he left, I had to get used to not having a man around. When I needed help with heavy things, I’d just leave it be and find another way on how I could get through it. I was very sad with how things were. Not only did I feel so weak, but of all times when I hated men, I realized how much I needed them. You can only cry so much and let yourself be down… Enough is enough.

For the past months, I’ve started doing things on my own. My room looks totally different from how the ex and I, moved things in. I was able to move my bed and the tv stand all by myself. I’ve cooked and baked up a storm with my friend Mylor. I’m now thinking of repainting my walls to a different color, and possibly adding other stuff to my house.

Looking back, I know that I’m in a really different place now. When I started living alone, I had him to rely on and run to which changed when we broke up. Now, I just have myself and it feels so much better. It definitely feels good to be more independent!

To be honest, it gets lonely sometimes with how quiet it could be around me, and I wish that I could just call like before and he would be there with me. It was definitely difficult when the breakup was still new, but,  I’ve learned to embrace the solitude and have learned to appreciate it and make it work with my situation now. A midst the busy world we are in, a little isolation isn’t too bad.

For the past month, I’ve been reading Catherine’s blog. It definitely has helped me and has made me see the other side of the situation I’m in. On one of her posts, she shared a passage she got from another blog.. I have to say, I fell in love with this passage, and would like to share it with you guys.

“I believed in her right from the first night I met her, in May, in a small café under the chestnut trees. Beautiful and romantic. Only she never fell in love with me. I was desperately in love with her. It’s a strange thing, how you can love somebody, how you can be all eaten up inside with needing them–and they simply don’t need you. That’s all there is to it, and neither of you can do anything about it. And they’ll be the same way with someone else, and someone else will be the same way about you and it goes on and on–this desperate need–and only once in a rare million do the same two people need each other.”–The Small Rain, by Madeleine L’Engle

Here’s wishing a great weekend for everyone.

Why am I talking about lists? For some odd reason, the very first post I had, had a couple of suggestions of things that I should do to keep myself busy. Strangely enough, almost all of them are happening. Has this ever happened to any of you?

All I could remember is that I was a mess on that day. I couldn’t even think of doing anything but just curl up in a ball in my room and cry. My friend just gave me a suggestion to start blogging again and talk about things that I should do. Hence, the post, and the suggestion list.

I’ve just reached the 6 month mark. In the Philippines, people joke around that the mourning process is just 3 months because of the movie, One More Chance. Days before the actual date, I started feeling weird. I know, I said in my earlier post that I’m done with being sad. I couldn’t help it though for the past days. There were days that all I could do was just pray and ask the Lord for strength to get through this.

What gives? I’m guessing it was probably that other part of me that still hoped for an alternative solution of what I have now. It finally woke up and realized that there really was no hope anymore. I seriously felt like hitting myself in the head for being such a weakling in this situation, but I guess it’s a part of the moving on process. It’s a case of over-analyzing everything; thus making myself feel worse than I actually should.

I owe it to myself to actually admit, that I will have days that I’m not okay about this. I will have days that I’m happy knowing that he’s no longer in my life, and there will be days that I would have completely forgotten who he is and was in my life. For the past months, I’ve had my share of breakup hangovers, depression, and a lot of mood swings. Ever since I talked about letting it all go, it feels as if a huge weight has been lifted off me. I know I’ll still have withdrawals and possibly small hangovers, but I know, and pray that it will be easier now.

Now, the list has made everything easier for me. So I’ve decided to summarize everything and see the path I went through which brought me to where I am today.

1. Joined Days With The Lord – This experience has truly opened my eyes to a lot of things. A relationship with the Lord is often looked upon with fear and angst. Sadly, a lot of people don’t realize that it’s a bit of the same like having a friend, and working on that relationship. This has truly made things a bit easier for me, and I can’t complain, I have new people I consider as family.

2. Out of town trips – This year is definitely a year of trips for me. I’ve possibly gone out-of-town a couple of times already, and I seriously enjoyed every minute of it. I met new people, had new experiences and have gotten to know myself on a more personal level. Bohol, Boracay, Tagaytay, and Los Baños will never be looked at the same way again.

3. Balikbayans (Filipinos returning to the Philippines for a visit/permanent stay) – These past few months have been hectic due to friends coming back for visits. It’s one of the reasons why I’ve been so busy. Like what I said before, it actually is and was a blessing in disguise. They all seemed to come right after the other.

4. Nonstop Night Outs- I couldn’t really count the several times I’ve gone out, surrounded myself with music, positive people, and anything that could divert my attention to something else. It made the nights easier to get through, and I was no longer stuck in the 4 corners of my house.

5. Being Healthier – My physical health has hit an all time low this year. I’ve been to the doctor a couple of times, and have been in and out of the office. I realized that I need to remove some of my unhealthy practices. I’ve started to exercise again, and eat better. There are still some things I need to work on, but it will come eventually. I am celebrating though, because for the first time in 3 years, I’m back to 123 lbs!

What’s to come next?

1. Singapore – This was just really a whim, when I placed it on my suggestion post, it was just a hypothetical thing. I didn’t really think it would push through. Oh, but I realized as each month passed, I need to do this. I’m so excited to travel on my own, eat the things I want to, and see old friends who are based in Singapore. I seriously have a countdown until my trip! Tickets are already booked and my vacation leaves have already been approved.

2. Business A & B – They’re a bit hush-hush as of the moment, but my friends and I are slowly collaborating on all of this. Hopefully, if it doesn’t push through this year, it will come to effect next year. I’m so excited for this because, one of it has been my passion ever since highschool.

3. … ?

That’s all I can absolutely think of now… I’m sure more will be added to the list soon.

I guess without me knowing, the lists –be it due to work or something else, has totally made my life more organized. Even if I like and want everything to be spontaneous, I guess, I really can’t let order get out of my life. It’s only through that, that things will eventually be okay.

Has anything happened like that to you guys? Well, here’s wishing positive thoughts and blessings to my silent readers.

Music was my refuge. I could crawl into the space between the notes and curl my back to loneliness. ~Maya Angelou, Gather Together in My Name

What would I do if I didn’t have my trusty collection of songs that I have fallen in love with in my 25 years of existence?

I would probably be the same, but less exciting and a lot more boring.

I was always attached to my iPod during college, even when I took the boards, trust assured I would have it with me. It was still alive this old thing that had gone through the highs and lows that I experienced in life until I started working for Marie France. Due to someone’s sticky fingers, I lost my most treasured companion. I was very sad to lose Derby (yes, it had a name). It felt as if I lost a relationship with my best friend. Aside from my most treasured songs, there were pictures in there as well that I could just look through and be reminded of the people I love. Due to the stress of my work then, I couldn’t help but just shrug it off and just go on.

I made do with having a small playlist on my phone, listening to the radio during odd hours, or just playing with my laptop. It wasn’t really the same, but it compensated for losing Derby. It’s good though that during those times I didn’t really have anything to be sad about. I was on a high basically, so what if Derby wasn’t there? I was with the man who I loved at that time, and didn’t really need to listen to songs or find about new ones as well. Downhill.

I’ve learned that in a relationship, one shouldn’t let go of what they loved to do. I lost myself in that relationship, trying to be the best girlfriend to someone… I didn’t sing as much as before, and changed into someone I no longer know. I stopped going to OPM gigs, stopped listening to the radio and stopped updating my songs. I did encounter songs that he liked, which I eventually did like, but it wasn’t the same. Sadly, I only discovered this now.

Music has always been my companion for anything, and everything. Ever since I was young I’ve always been surrounded with songs of love, happiness, family, anger and etc. Thinking about it, it’s because of Music that I learned one of the things I won’t stop doing, and that is to sing. I don’t really remember a time where my Dad wasn’t singing, or my mom was listening to the radio. If no one was singing, it was most probably because, my dad decided to play classical music on the radio.

Growing up was easier because for everything that I went through the greatest songwriters in this world had a song that accompanied me through it. It was like a rebuttal of each trivial thing that life gives you.

Before we broke up, he gave me an iPod as a Christmas gift. I was over the moon with happiness, because aside from the games I would get to play (yes, I’m a gamer), I was given the chance to rebuild my collection again. At the start it was hard, I didn’t have a backup of my old collection, and had to basically try to remember every song and genre that I loved. Lesson in life, one should always have backups! So at the start, it was the newest pop, hiphop, some Pearl Jam and house music. We eventually broke up (duh), and even if I loved that iPod, I had to get rid of it. Weirdly enough, there were so many memories created with that, and I had to let go of it.

I’ve upgraded the iPod to an iPhone, and it has been so much easier. Do I have a name for it? Not yet.

It is such a relief now to listen to the things that I like and that I no longer have to remember things I’d rather forget. I also get to create new memories which make things even better. Each month since, I’ve added new and old songs… from 0 GB it has now reached 13 GB–just on music alone. Whenever I feel sad, I allow myself to hear the songs that give me empowerment and lift me up. I still let myself hear sad songs, because I think it makes me stronger to accept things. Methinks, it’s better to face it openly than avoid it altogether.

A couple of friends of mine have debated about which decade brought the best music in our lifetime, for some it was the 80’s, while others strongly believe that it was 90’s; although, for the younger ones, it’s all about the songs produced during 200-2011. For me, I would say it was the 90’s.. but in the end it doesn’t matter. Just like ourselves, music evolves. If it were a tree, there would be so many differences that you’d see it in its trunk, leaves, and roots. It adapts to the world now.

What’s my current playlist now? There’s a lot of it but I’ll put in the most played songs I have:

1. Erika David- Fall for your type
2. Imogen Heap- Speeding Cars
3. Anberlin- Inevitable
4. Sonique- It Feels So Good (Breakbeat Edit)
5. Barbara Streisand- What Kind of Fool
6. Maroon 5 ft. Christina Aguilera- Moves Like Jagger
7. Bobby Valentino- Anonymous
8. Amy Kuney- Hope A Little Harder
9. Empire of the Sun- Walking on A Dream
10. Goo Goo Dolls- Slide
11. India Arie- Heart of The Matter
12. Madonna- Miles Away
13. Pitbull, Ne-yo & Afrojack- Give Me Everything
14. Kings of Leon- Sex On Fire
15. Lloyd- Cupid
16. The Smiths- Please, Please, Please, Let Me Get What I want
17. Alanis Morissette- You Learn
18. Bamboo- Much Has Been Said
19. The Out of Body Special- Give It
20. Daft Punk- Something About Us

I’m thankful for this time because I’m able to fall in love with one of my first loves again. I get to rekindle my relationship with a long, lost friend. I fell in love with you ever since I was born. I’m never letting you go again.

Without music life would be a mistake. ~Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche

Well, I got my wish! Without realizing it, my weekends are booked till Lord knows when, and my weekdays are thrown into work-related activities. I cannot even begin to fathom how I got myself into this schedule. Well, I lie. Of course I know how I got myself into this. I wanted to forget and not pine for him. The Lord is extremely kind, because everything has fallen into place. Everything is a bit easier now.

I can’t help but want to rest as well though. Sometimes, I find myself emotionally and physically so tired from all the activities I make myself do, because just one moment that I give myself to think… I find everything going.. KABOOM! (Apology inserted here) My extreme apologies to family and friends that I’ve promised for certain activities, and ended up being a no-show. It’s not intended, I promise. I can prove that my 27-year-old body is no longer the same as my 22-year-old body. I get tired.

——–

So moving on and forward to the coming months, next thing I know, this blog would have reached a year already!  I’ve realized that aside from making myself busy with the people I love, I’ve also pushed myself into things I normally wouldn’t have done a year ago. I am starting a business with my friends, going out of the country, going to a province I haven’t been in the Philippines, started exercising again… If this isn’t getting to know myself, then I really don’t know what is. I’ve also opened myself up to more people, considered meeting new people and just being a better person.

I don’t want to be numb anymore. I’ve been numb for a couple of months already, and I think, it’s about time that I say, “Enough is enough.” It’s never going to go away, this love that I have for him, but I think I need to stop letting people who have bad intentions near me, and it’s sad that he’s a part of that group. So goodbye to those who pretend to be friends but they actually just need things, goodbye to those who want to be friends just to know more news, and goodbye to people who think I’m an easy catch since I’m in a vulnerable state.

I deserve better, I know that I deserve to be happy. I’m no longer letting anyone get in my way to stop me from being so.

How long it has been since we’ve last talked. I must say, you’re now 27, and a young woman at that. I last talked to you when you were still 14… Still a girl, but verging on womanhood. You were still experiencing the angst of being a teenager then. I remember you being worried about moving back to the Philippines, and everything that would come along with it. At the time, the things you worried about then were so big, that all you’d do is cry inside. How would you fit in? How would it be living with your Aunt and cousins? How would it be living so far away from your parents and your brother? Who would be there for your brother?

But look at you now, you have survived. You’re 14 years older, have learned and gone through so much. You were able to fit in, and find a good set of friends. You had your ups and downs with your family, but now they’re people you can’t live without. You were able to manage being away from your parents, and your brother… albeit it’s not the perfect relationship. Your brother was able to be the man that he is now.

So where are you now? Yes, I know, you’re going through a rough patch in your life. But hey, you’ve gone through worse, right? I’ve heard you ask yourself, a million times, why you would need to get to know yourself again? You already know yourself, right? Wrong. Life is forever changing, and you, are just a tiny part of that. You weren’t born with a ready set of ideals, attitude and character. You grew into that based on the people around you. Now, think of it as growing up again. It’s a pain, but it’s a must. You must become the woman, God has intended you to be.

Heart-breaks are the norm in an adult’s life… Hopeless romanticism it would be, but there is someone intended for you. Don’t rush, enjoy the gift of life that you have now. Let your heart heal, and don’t close the doors that He has opened for you. It’s a cliché line, but there is so much that the world has to offer for a young woman such as you. You just have to open your heart to it. Eventually, the right person will come along at the right time.

Stay away from negative situations and thoughts. Open yourself to the positiveness of life. Just like what your friend has said, tell yourself at the start of each day, that you deserve to only have positive outcomes in life. Declare that to the universe. Do not even tell yourself, that it is impossible to happen. Do not even let a negative thought come into your mind. With all of that, you will find each day becoming easier to go through, and you will actually look forward to the coming day. Always remember to pray. You must thank the Lord for every morning and night that He has blessed you to see. You must thank Him for blessing you with a good support group and surrounding you with people who genuinely love you.

But if it gets too hard, and you feel that you have to let your emotions out, then do so. Make sure though that you only do it to a certain degree. Do not prolong it, and do not let it stay in your system. Give yourself a few minutes, after which you must stand up and brush it all off.

I’m proud of who you are now, and who you will be. Look at you, who would’ve thought you’d be where you are now? You live alone, manage your bills on a timely manner, even manage your finances correctly and you make sure that you are always safe with the people around you. Remember, you are now grooming yourself for your future. You must grow and let yourself experience everything that life has to offer. You must let yourself be the best woman who you can be, so that when you have your own family, you will have no regrets. The future you, is dependent upon your present self.

Most importantly, make sure that you always, always, always, offer everything up to Him. He is always there for you, and He will never let you down.

Things will be better, just wait.

Love,

Margaux

p.s. If it helps, listen and sing along to Alanis sing You Learn. That will also help you get through everything.

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