My Private Thoughts...

Final Post - Closure - The New Beginning

2011-10-08T10:06:00.004-04:00

It has been 1 year and 9+ months since my last post - this will be my last post to this chapter of my journal

This journal served it's purpose at a time in my life where I needed an anonymous outlet to create words of the heart

Like saying goodbye forever to an old friend I shed a tear today as I write

You see, I met with an angel last night

Granted, she was mortal with too many flaws to list

She came into my life quickly and left just the same

Unbeknownst to her she released the burden of doubt

Doubtful was I that I could truly open my heart again

Doubtful was I that I could connect with someone in a way that would be indescribable in words

Despite her absence, her lingering presence created a lasting aspiration for what could be

Everything in life has a beginning, a middle and an end

While I'm certain that my personal writing will continue

This chapter of my life

This chapter of My Private Thoughts

has come to an end

Thank you Angel for helping to start a new beginning

The tear

2010-01-05T07:07:00.001-05:00

To read about it
To hear about it
To shed a tear

To live it
To breathe it
To taste the pain
To be suffering
To be the tear

Lighter

2009-10-27T22:33:00.001-04:00

My life taken for a tailspin.
Yet my perspective remains steadfast as hours of solitude and mental masterbation have unlocked new levels of conciousness. Not enlightened, but my heart feels lighter.

2009-07-21T06:50:00.001-04:00

Dreamgirl
Happiness lives in my heart while I keep you bottled up as dream of what could be rather then what is.
Unwrapping reality spoils the dream
Happiness turns to solitude

Crushed

2009-07-07T22:57:00.001-04:00

I curse the bad decisions of my past as I reap what I sow
Barely alive I inhale the black fog that has settled over my life
The light at the end of the tunnel has gone dark.
I always knew there was to be a day of reckoning
That day has come
Great debate inside my head
Mistake vs part of lifes journey

Along the way

2009-07-07T22:56:00.001-04:00

Following the steady beat of change
Marching in a new direction
The wind blows hard
Meandering through winding cobblestone streets
The weather changes quickly

Closing in on perfection
I find joy and happiness
Lost in a new world
I complete the journey
Unsatisfied with the ending
I rationalize the outcome
Knowing I have fallen short along the way
I twist my mind to live another day

New Home

2009-07-07T22:54:00.001-04:00

The quiet space that exists between the frenetic voice in my head has become my new home.
Mindfull of the moment.
I visit this home often - yet I live a million miles away.

Walk away slowly

2009-05-19T09:30:00.001-04:00

Through the broken window of a cold empty room I see a woman wrapped in her own pain.
She looks at the window but sees only a reflection of her unhappiness.
She exhales deeply - I inhale her toxic haze.
Struggling to restore equilibrium - I consistently falter.
I walk away slowly regaining strength and serenity.

Michelangelo

2009-02-26T22:30:00.003-05:00

Thoughts of tomorrow chip away at my heart like a sculptor cutting stone
I see only fragments of my troubled past scattered among the broken rubble on the ground
Still raw and far from beautiful - I take a step back to imagine the possibilities
Time moves slowly as my new life forms

Happiness Follows...

2009-02-20T19:23:00.002-05:00

Smashing thrashing tossing turning
Wild emotions exhaust my shattered life
A silence finally enters the room
Stillness follows
After an extended period of night
Light slowly replaces darkness
A sweet voice fills a void
A kind smile stengthens my resolve
Inertia builds
My new life begins
Happiness follows

Soft whisper

2009-02-19T06:42:00.002-05:00

Soft whisper from behind
Warm breath on the nape of the neck
As tension escapes
As excitement builds
A tender teasing caress
Soft whisper - sweet melody - comfort to my soul

Bad Terain

2009-02-09T21:44:00.001-05:00

Stripped naked I share my life with strangers
Hidden from the world I throw my life against a cyber wall
Everything sticks in the absence of conflict

infectious laughter a faint memory of my past
I hear only sadness in my heart and optimism in my voice yet no smiles - only tears
Pretending to know my whereabouts I am really lost in bad terain.

Bad Weather Day

2009-02-04T22:20:00.001-05:00

Removing all clarity from my life - the dense fog rolls in
Searching for pragmatic solutions
Standing lost and lonely in the ambiguity
Waiting patiently for the next sunny day
I shed a single tear
Light rain on this foggy day

The Artisan Poet

2009-02-01T00:04:00.007-05:00

I'm avoiding the pain today by writing about writing (again) - perhaps tomorrow I'll explore my soul and let it all hang out...

Raw emotions provide materials as the artisan poet carefully cuts each word from thought
The complexity to his architecture is delivered by a profound knowledge of joy and pain
From the darkness within, patience align prose in proper place

My Next Relationship

2009-01-31T23:03:00.006-05:00

Construct each new relationship like a sacred temple

Friendship and mutual respect shall bind each stone

Laughter and soft whispers will echo off the walls

With all the tools and knowledge to build something great - patiently I wait

Time passes, longing for a comforting touch to replenish the soul

White Canvas

2009-01-29T23:13:00.003-05:00

I hold the pen firmly
Slowly stirring the emotions
Searching for inspiration
Searching for words to describe the raw pain
Yearning to communicate my story
Thoughts remain lost in translation to words
My journal remains a white canvas today

The Tatoo Speech

2009-01-21T20:07:00.009-05:00

I have a vivid childhood memory
I remember hearing about my fathers pending death
I remember sitting on the couch
I remember the tears, the fear, the pain
45 seconds created a moment in time
45 seconds created a scar that I still carry today

Now, although not quite the same...
I must tell my children about the pending divorce
I must tell them that the family they know is broken beyond repair
I have studied how to deliver this message properly
I am afraid I don't have the strength
I am afraid I don't have the courage
I am afraid my emotions will amplify their tears, amplify their fear, amplify their pain
I am faced as a parent to create a similar moment in time
45 seconds, to create a tatoo of pain that they will both wear forever

Act 2 Begins...

2009-01-21T00:12:00.004-05:00

A weary traveler returns from a long journey
Home is no longer a familiar place
His friendships have become acquaintances
His dreams have become murky memories
Full circle, he returns back to the beginning
He restarts his life in his worn out shoes

Lost in ambiguity

2009-01-15T18:50:00.001-05:00

Slow movement
My marriage disollves in slow motion

Quiet mind - Quiet day

2009-01-07T22:56:00.005-05:00

The frustrations and politics of work are trivialized by my real life drama. A day that should have felt long and frustrating has become quickly still. There is greater context and meaning to my stress and emotions. Despite the noise, my mind is quiet and so is the day.

Stranger on This Train

2009-01-06T23:33:00.005-05:00

Saw a woman on the train - got inspired - wrote some prose:

She had golden hair, with a bright smile, blue eyes and killer legs
My soul mate - I can't get her out of my mind
For now - she's just a stranger on this train

Together we hold hands
in a busy city, on a crowded street
but it's only in my mind
For now - she's just a stranger on this train

She's now old and gray - I'm older too
I open the car door for her
She smiles at me with her bright smile and blue eyes (still got killer legs)
She says "Thank you"
She is my soul mate
For now - she's just a stranger on this train

We don't speak - we don't exchange a glance
I don't exist to her - she exists to me
Locked up in my mind
She's my soul mate - and yet a stranger on this train

On the Radio (Ipod actually)

2009-01-05T21:30:00.014-05:00

Heard some music on my Ipod - "On the Radio" by Regina Spektor - I probably listened to this one passage a dozen times in a loop on my commute after I found it.

This is how it works
You're young until you're not
You love until you don't
You try until you can't
You laugh until you cry
You cry until you laugh
And everyone must breathe
Until their dying breath

No, this is how it works
You peer inside yourself
You take the things you like
And try to love the things you took
And then you take that love you made
And stick it into some
Someone else's heart
Pumping someone else's blood
And walking arm in arm
You hope it don't get harmed
But even if it does
You'll just do it all again

It reminded me that this rollercoaster I am on is normal - the drama that I live is normal. It gave me hope that my life situation will get better - that things will constantly change. It's all just part of life. My challenge is to tame my wild mind - so I can experience more joy - so I can create my own happiness - so I can impact people's lives in a positive and meaningful way.

Awareness

2009-01-04T09:41:00.001-05:00

Calmly I inhale her toxic haze and wish her happiness on the exhale
I no longer take her bait or fall into the traps of her bitter anger
I no longer feel the need to lavish her frustrations in me with attention
I no longer feel the need to repair her misguided perceptions
Although I know her anger is directed at me - I no longer feel her anger
I have let go of my need to repair the things that weren't broken
I have let go of my need to repair the things that couldn't be fixed
No longer do I see the present moment as purgatory
It has become part of my practice - part of my metamorphosis
This awareness has brought me strength
This awareness has provided me clarity

Gone in a Flash

2009-01-03T09:44:00.007-05:00

My divorce is a tsunami upending my life

Gone in a flash - my house, my furniture, the things I worked hard to create
In many ways they became a part of my identity
I am not the material possessions
Yet I feel anger that they are being taken away

Gone in a flash - precious time with my children
Like an empty room in an abandoned house
The wind whispers through a pane of broken glass
The silence makes me sad

The life partner I selected was a mistake
The things we created together were not

I need to accept the loss of my valuable possessions
I need to accept the loss of time with my children
I need to accept the destruction and prepare to rebuild

Too bad they don't sell catastrophic divorce insurance for my major life disaster

Breathe (then Ramble)

2009-01-02T06:44:00.002-05:00

Alone but not lonely
I breathe slowly with concentrated breath
Repairing the wounds of the past year
Gaining strength for the battle ahead

The past two days exceeded my expectations (bearing in mind that I was expecting emotional distress). For the first time in probably 20 years I spent New Years alone. You see, New Years has the additional significance of also being my wedding anniversary (married on New Years Eve 14 years ago). I had the whole house to myself as my wife took the kids to her parents for most of the week. I think she chose to get away mostly so we wouldn't have to experience the awkwardness of living in the same space during a time that we traditionally celebrated together. It was a good plan...

Yet there was still plenty of sadness during my alone time. The mere thought of communicating my current situation to my children brings tears to my eyes. It brings back very intense feelings of a deep painful sadness I often felt as a little boy whenever I thought about the loss of my father.

Divorce is a legal term, so it is not the divorce that brings me sadness. The marriage was a mistake from day 1 - so it is not the breakup of my marriage that brings me sadness. Perhaps the latter is too harsh - better to just say that we were never meant to be each others life partner and that our union was destined for impermanence.

The root of my sadness comes from knowing we will be inflicting pain on our children when we communicate that the family as they know it today will significantly change. The root of my sadness comes from knowing that I will be forced to spend more time away from them. You see, my children have become the center of my life - the center of my life is slipping away.

These feelings are emotions driven by thoughts - I need to put my feelings aside and figure out how to minimize their pain. However, does minimizing their pain translate into doing what's best for their emotional well being? Probably not. If it was all about avoiding pain I would have fought harder to try and save the marriage. Instead I need to define a strategic plan that recognizes the dissolution of my marriage and is driven to create an optimal environment for the emotional welfare of my children.