3.1415926535897932384626433832

Depression, Happiness, Electronics, and Dolphin Rape

2007-03-28T19:35:00.000-07:00

Well, it's been quite a while since I sat down to write a post. I hit the bottom. I bounced back. I'm happy for the first time in my life.

I don't really know how detailed I want to be, but I definately want to tell some stories, so here we go.

Oh Well... I'll Find Another Job

In February of 05 I decided that I was going to settle down, retire from professional sports, settle down with my girlfriend, and get a "real job." That real job was as a financial consultant... and in the course of a year, the $43,000 "salary" they offered me ended up as a $20,000 salary. Not only that, but it started out at the 43k rate and then was cut to damn near nothing almost immediately, so of that 20,000 I probably earned 10k of it in the first 3 months. (if you're new, the girl cheated on me soon after I took the job)

From February through August I did NOTHING. I spent my days/nights playing EverQuest and looking for a job. I would send out between 10 and 15 resumes a day and was getting one of two answers. 1. Thanks but no thanks. 2. Sure, we'll hire you, but we won't pay you, and if you don't make X ammount of money (in sales) in the first few months we'll fire you from the job we're not paying you for doing.

I started collecting unemployment insurance almost right away which covered exactly my rent, electricity, and internet. I let my other bills go for a while... oh... and didn't buy food. I lived on what was left over from a hog my folks had slaughtered a few months before (which was basically a freezer full of sausage), coffee, and whatever else I could afford by not paying a bill one month or the other.

In August I took a job with a family friend as a salesmen. 2006 ran out and I had no money, no unemployment insurance left, and the loan I took out had run out. Not only that but I was also being hastled by about 10 different collection agencies for the money I owed. The stuff I was selling was being sold to the state government, so in order to see payment I had to go through a million steps that each take weeks. Long story short, I worked for 9 months and never got paid. Things I worked on during my time there still might pay me one day... but I'm not holding my breath.

I Surrender

In December I had a talk with my boss... who might as well be my father. I am very close with him and his family and he always looks out for me. Him and I agreed that this experiment with me working for him was losing altitude fast and it was time to eject. He started leveraging his connections to get me into a similar job that came with a salary. At the same time I restarted my job search. I gave Monster and CareerBuilder one more try. I updated my resume, changed some objectives, and came at this search a different way. I was looking for specific industries/companies and was going at them hard. I was easily sending out 25 resumes a day and was really working hard to find steady work.

I only had two qualifications for the job. 1. It has to pay a salary or be hourly work with a consistant work load. 2. NO SALES. As it turned out, I'm "not qualified" for: data entry, temp work, managment, finance (other than sales), etc etc etc. It actually makes me sick to sit here and think about all the jobs I was turned down for that any asshole who could read and speak English could do without breaking a sweat....

My boss was working hard to find me work, but he was coming up dry. He didn't want to make me sound TOO good at my job because in reality I was dealing in a very complex industry and was ONLY dealing with relationships, not the technology. If he got me into a job that I wasn't qualified for that would ruin his rep, so he was having a VERY hard time finding a place that I would fit.

Now it's January. I've been busting my ass trying to find work and coming up dry on every single front. I had hit every company I wanted to work for, every industry I found interesting, every job I was qualified for (at least that I thought I was qualified for after reading the job description and matching it up with what I've studied/done), and still found nothing. I couldn't pay my rent, I had no food, no gas, no NOTHING...

So I gave up.

I went online and applied at Best Buy, Home Depot, and a bunch of other huge national chain retail stores.

So... This is THE Bottom?

Wednesday afternoon I get a call from a dude asking when I'm available for an interview at the local Best Buy. I tell him that I'm available any time they need me and that I'm really excited to meet the managment team. He then asks, "Can you come in tonight at 6?"

I agree and jump in the shower. I put on my best suit, prepare some notes, and go to the Best Buy. I am an hour and a half early and I am told to sit by customer service and wait for the manager to come get me.

Two and a half hours later this little dude walks up to me and asks if I'm Pi. He leads me into another room with an even smaller man sitting behind a desk. This small guy looked like he was about 11 and a half years old and the smaller man was about 55. I sat down and we immediatly started the interview. I went through my history from my high school leadership positions through my professional sports success all the way to my management experience and training as a sales/customer service professional with various reputable corporations.

"Looks like you've had 3 jobs in 3 years... what's up with that?"

My face went red. This wasn't embarassment though... this was rage. I took a deep breath and was about to say "Are you fucking kidding? You're a fucking minimum wage electronics wholesaler who is lucky if the people on the schedule ever even come back let alone come in on time and I'm a fucking professional who's giving you the steal of a lifetime. If you lure me in as an 'associate' it will be the best fucking move of your career." What I did say was "Well, one company folded and the other two didn't pay me. I was shooting for the stars and that hasn't changed. What HAS changed is my approach. I still want to be a C level executive with a major corporation, but now I am poised to do so with a level of security... aka a paycheck for my services while I prove that I'm the best employee you could ever hire."

bla bla bla...

I get hired on the spot. Orientation is that Saturday. Keep in mind that the two guys who interviewed me weren't six feet tall if one was sitting on the other's shoulders and would tip the scales in that position at about 150lbs. Also remember that my interview was on a Wednesday and that I was set to start 3 days later. The final piece to the puzzle is that if I'm wearing shoes I am over 6'5", I weigh about 335lbs, have a shaved head and a beard.

Saturday morning, 8AM, Best Buy. Orientation starts at 9, so I brought along a cup of coffee to drink in the parking lot, listened to the radio for a bit and went in. The store opens at 10. You want to know why I know that? Well, the smaller man who interviewed me saw me standing outside... exactly where he told me to stand when I showed up... a half hour before I was supposed to be there... on the day he told me I would be starting my illustrious career at Best Buy... and this is what he says to me:

"THE STORE OPENS AT 10."

"uh... I'm here for orientation."

"What's your name again?"

"Pi (my real name is just about as obscure)"

"... uh... OK? Well... just wait here."

9AM rolls around and me and two other guys are standing in the doorway waiting for orientation. One guy is a contractor who translates things from Japanese to English and vice versa who is working part time to make a few extra bucks. The other is a med school student who is coming on part time.

Orientation consisted of the 3 of us sitting with the store manager, going over policies, watching a shitload of corny ass videos about the history of Best Buy and where the store is planning on improving, and then some question and answer time.

Four hours later and the store manager and I have hit it off big time. I knew him in his past life as a manager at Mc Donalds... but he didn't remember me. He was impressed with how I communicated during our time together and it was actually a really enjoyable 4 hours... shockingly. As it turns out I actually coached against his son when I was coaching basketball. It was too good to be true... a real in with the store manager who makes pretty much every decison... this was going to be great.

Then the larger of the two tiny guys walks in. He gives us our schedules for the next 2 weeks. Over the course of two weeks both part time guys got 60 hours total... and I... the full time guy... got 60 hours total.

I asked the little guy, "is 30 hours a week about the average?" He looked at me with a puzzled look and talked into his headset (all managers wear these... they are attached to walkie talkies that they talk into all day) "Smaller guy, can you come to the training room please?"

Pi: "You don't really need to call Smaller Guy in... it's really not a big deal. I was just under the impression that full time was 40 hours."
Him: "You need to have this conversation with the Smaller Guy."
Pi: "Seriously, it's NOT a big deal... in fact... nevermind. I'm sure it will all work itself out"
[enter Smaller Guy]
SG: "What seems to be the problem?"
Him: "Pi wants to know what the average hours are for full time guys."
SG: "Why?"
Him: "He expects 40 hours a week."
Pi: "Actually, it's not a big deal. I was just under the impression it was 40... don't sweat it at all. I"ll see you guys on Monday."
SG: "If you're going to be a fucking problem and you're going to be complaining that you want more hours then don't come back... YOU'RE FIRED!"

I went to the A&P and used change I cashed in at the bank to buy myself some whiskey. I sat and drank for a few hours in silence. Then I started making phone calls. I called my parents... my mother cried. My father didn't say anything. This was my chance to finally make a little scratch and get "somewhat" on my feet. I live on my own, but I have barely made anything since I moved out and it really seemed like the only people who sent me mail were lawyers who were trying to scare me into paying the money I'd let slide for almost a year.

I decided that I was unhirable. I was going to tear up my resume and stand on the corner with the illegals in my town to make some money. If I got evicted I'd just move home and start at McDonalds or something.

I drank quietly until I felt the tears coming... then I cried. I couldn't stop myself. I never really openly wept, but the tears wouldn't stop flowing from my eyes no matter how much whiskey I used to make myself forget. Eventually I passed out. I got so drunk that when I finally came to I couldn't walk without holding onto the wall and slept most of the next day.

I woke up with a sense of peace. I had given up. I was not meant to be succesful and I wasn't ever going to be happy. I made up my mind that I was going to get a job. I was going to find an hourly job doing SOMETHING no matter how shitty or how dead end it was going to be and just get working. If I couldn't find anything I had two choices: 1. Join the Army. 2. Move to a cheaper state where I could make minimum wage digging ditches and survive.

"Please reply so I know you didn't hurt yourself"

That was the final line of an email I got from my mother. She was conviced I had killed myself because I wasn't answering my phone for a couple days. Little did I know that she had been calling everyone and telling them to get in touch with me immediately because she was certain I was dead.

I replied and told her I was OK because I have come to grips with the fact that I'm worthless and that I just need to make enough money to have fuel in my truck to get back and forth to work so that I can die pennyless and alone many years from now. I said I had made the decision that I don't want to have a family because I will never earn enough to raise a child the way they should be raised. I was never going to get married because I'd never be able to make anyone else happy as a dead beat piece of shit. I finished by saying that once you give up hope you can finally have happiness. Once you no longer can reach the stars you're happy on the ground and that I'm going to be OK in my own way even that's nowhere near what I had planned.

Then I get a TEXT MESSAGE from my mother "PLEASE PICK UP THE PHONE." I didn't even know she knew text messages existed. The phone rings, I pick it up, she tells me that she wants me to go to the doctor. She said "You are dark and mean. Everyone who cares about you can't stand you and I know that's showing in your interviews. Even if this is only a temporary solution to get you a job, I want you to seek help."

Success By Better Medicine

I meet with the doctor. I tell him everything I'm feeling. He prescribes me two pills. Lunesta for my inability to sleep and Lexipro for my "depression."

Afterwards my mom took me to the food store to get me some grub to last me a couple weeks.

I went home, put away the groceries, and downed the first pill. I stood over the sink full of dirty dishes and felt the water hit my stomach and immediately felt worse. I was one of THEM now. I CAN'T handle myself so I get a doctor to give me pills to make me better. I'm even more worthless than I though...

30 minutes later I feel something new. I sit back on the couch and just focus on it. It was a feeling of peace... but this time it didn't come with a side of self hatred. This time it was just peace. I took my sleeping pill and went to bed.... and slept. Deep... restful... 8 hour... SLEEP. I woke up and took my second pill. I called my mother to tell her how I felt... because I felt...

good.

Right Foot in Front of Left Foot

At this point my head was right. I was able to think clearly and be rational about things for the first time in a long time. Things didn't seem impossible. The first things I focused on were just simple things... doing the dishes... eating 3 meals a day... showering every night... brushing my teeth every morning... just a whole bunch of shit that I simply didn't give a shit about for so long that I was only doing all of them enough to stay alive and beyond that, neglecting them to the extreme.

Then came the job search again. I had the list of jobs from the paper and was going to go through and get one.

The first job I applied to, and one of 2 that I actually was hoping would come through was to a port that was looking for a manager. A week into my pills I get a call from an HR guy who brings me in for a pre-interview interview. It goes well, but a month goes by and not a word from the real interviewer.

I had a few other leads that would end up in 25 to 30k jobs doing things I wasn't really interested in doing, but I was putting them off in hopes of one of the 2 jobs working out. My folks were riding me hard to just do something and get working and the bills just kept coming in... but I wasn't so overwhelmed anymore. I felt better, was sleeping, eating, and feeling like I could actually handle all this.

I get an email from the other job I wanted saying "thanks, but no thanks."

And then, by chance, my father tells his neighbor how much I want this job I'm applying for at the docks. Turns out he knows a guy who works there and passes on my resume. Even more supprisingly, the guy calls me. Turns out he's a big time mover and shaker with the company and passes my resume on to the hiring manager... who just happens to be the dude who runs the whole port. I still can't believe the friend of a friend of my father's CALLS MY CELLPHONE and talks with me for a while about the job.

He told me that no resumes had been sent to them by the HR team but that I should be hearing from the manager when mine makes it down there. Depressed Pi would have just sat there and waited... medicated Pi called the damn HR department looking for answers. Then he called the port to make sure they had followed through... and then called HR again to see if it went through... then called the port to make sure it worked out like he said... and then called HR to thank them for their help... and then finally... CALLED THE BOSS AT THE PORT TO PRETTY MUCH DEMAND AN INTERVIEW ASAP.

He liked the way I went about all this and brought me in the next day. It was the single most professional interview I had ever been a part of and during this search I went to over 100 interviews. He told me I'd hear back from the company by Wednesday (it was Friday).

Everything about this company made me intimidated. It was so professional, so organized, so important a job, EVERYONE seemed so happy and so focused, everything was what I wanted to be. The interview went so well and it all felt like a dream. I went home knowing I wasn't going to get it, but happy I got so close. It just felt good to be considered by such an amazing company and when the call came that said I didn't get it, I'd be satisfied with how close I was actually able to fly to the sun before my wings gave out.

Monday afternoon I get a call from the boss who tells me they'd like to send me a formal offer. Not only that, but the offer was for more than double any other job I'd went after. Benefits, pention, perks, I can't even get into everything at once. Just the perfect job at the perfect time with the perfect company in the perfect location. Perfection.

My Stars in The Darkness

Friday marks the 1 month mark at my new job. I'm allready receiving praise from my boss and the people around me. I'm doing such a good job and loving every second of it. I couldn't have designed a better carreer if I had a million years to do so. What's more important is that I sat down and thought about the things that I had all along that made the worst time of my life worth remembering.

My family. I couldn't have a better family if I got to pick them myself. I love my immediate family more than I could ever say and I could not be more thankful for all they've done and continue to do for me... but my extended family is also a blessing that I cannot overstate. They've been just as supportive as my immediate family during these hard times and I don't think I could have done it without them.

My GIRLFRIEND. Last I posted I was just meeting "Dork" who is now my girlfriend... and I'm in love. I recently told her that I loved her and she couldn't wait to tell me the same. We are inseperable. She stood by me and listened to the endless complaints about this or that... dealt with me not even having enough money to get to her place... me being a depressed asshole... everything... and she loves ME. Not only is she an awesome person, but she's beautiful. The more I am around her the more I can't take my eyes off her. I haven't ever been in a relationship like this one. She is supportive, kind, an amazing listener, has great input on pretty much everything, knows when I just need to vent and when I need to hear her voice, is responsible... I could go on forever... I just need to say again.... I am in love with her and it feels amazing. We've been together since late August and I don't have any complaints. In fact, I can never say enough about her or her contribution to my happiness. I wouldn't trade her for the world and the fact that we met when I was a piece of garbage and she still loves me for who I am makes it so much better to be with her now that I'm getting my life together and actually have the money to treat her like she deserves.

My friends. They all rock. They will stand by me forever and understand my ecentricities (spelling?). I can't even begin to thank them enough for being so awesome... but they know that, and that's the way it always will be. I'd take a bullet for any one of my friends and I know they'd all do the same for me.

Dolphin Rape

http://farm1.static.flickr.com/167/390908012_ee25c975f2_o.jpg

Change is Good

2006-09-24T22:09:00.000-07:00

Very fast update. Things are changing for me and I'm happier than I've been in a long time. PG is a flake... lost interest in her because it's too much hastle and too much aggrivation to even get in front of her let alone have an actual relationship. CG and I haven't spoken in a week and a half... even though I really like her... why? Because things are going FAMOUSLY with Dork! I hate using "!" to end a sentence, but holy shit am I happy with her.

I don't know, but I think this is a really good thing that's going to last longer than a few dates. We spent last Saturday together, I couldn't wait until the weekend to see her again, so we had dinner on Wednesday, and then we spent all day yesterday (Saturday) together. I'm so excited about this one it's scary.

The new job is rocking and rolling. I don't even know if I explained anything about it before... I'm totally lost in my blogging timeline, but it's awesome. I still haven't really been paid, but it's going in the right direction. It's related to construction, so with all the "30 days" and "90 days" that are involved with payment it's going to be a while before I see money, but once the first check comes in then it's all down hill forever. And yes, I mean FOREVER. This will be my last career... all I need is time to get the ball rolling and I'm good to go for life. How's that for end game thinking?

OK, that's it... Dork rules, she hearts the shit out of me, my job is good, and my attitude has 180'd big time...

fuck you,

Pi

Let Alcohol be a social lubricant

2006-09-14T21:20:00.000-07:00

http://drphilbooze.ytmnd.com/

Click that real quick... I'll wait for you right here...

OK, so here we go. I went out with my buddy McD tonight. He was in town and wanted to hang out before he went back home to the shore so cousin fil picked me up and we went to our favorite dive bar. It's got a jukebox... and the fact that we can play our own music makes it worth the walk across town (or the ride across town if it's pouring rain like tonight).

Thursday nights are $2 Blue Moon drafts... which I've never had before tonight... and are quite delitious... let's just say that "maybe" fil was driving and people kept buying him beers that he wsan't going to drink... and let's make believe I "chugged" them because fil didn't want to drive drunk. Let's also imagine that people wanted to watch me chug because I'm "frighteningly fast" at chugging...

Well... I'm heavily buzzed.

My problem right now, and why I wanted to come on here and post something, is that I like one girl and am falling super hard for another one.

Let me back track a little bit and explain where the problem comes in. Last Friday CG and I hung out in her neck of the woods... which is about 45 minutes away from where I live... and stayed out until about 5am. I had worked all day and was so tired that I really didn't want to drive home. The week before was the same thing and she sent me on my way, but I figured this time I was simply too tired and would ask her if I could crash on her couch. She said that I could definately stay over and I did. As I was preparing for a night on the couch she came out of her room and said, "you know, you can sleep with me in my bed if you'd like... you don't have to sleep on the couch." Of course I agreed... it was the better choice. We made out a bit and then moved to her bed where we made out some more, but that's as far as it went. The next morning I wake up and get things going again. I do really like her, so I just enjoy kissing her, so that's what I did. I moved to a position on top of her and was kissing away when the question was asked... and I'm not talking any question... THE question... "Do you have any condoms?" "No." In that split second I had to make the moral decision between having sex with CG or not and I chose "no." Of course I knew there was a chance of that coming up over the course of the night. Of course I had enough money and time to pick up a nice 3 pack of condoms before I went up there. Of course the thought crossed my mind... so why didn't I?

Because I've been talking to Dork. We've been talking on the phone every single night. I've been talking to her for hours and I'm falling for her hard. She's everything I'm looking for when it comes to intelligence, opinion, contribution... everything... but I haven't met her yet. She's also a virgin who's waiting until marriage for sex because of "the fear of pregnancy" and "the fear of the loss of the connection she'd feel." We have an amazing connection allready and I haven't even met her yet. I'm meeting up with her on Saturday. I'm terrified because I REALLY like CG, but I like Dork more. CG wants to have sex, but because I'm not sure what's going to happen with Dork I don't want her to take that step with me yet. If I had sex with her last week and then ended up falling for Dork in person as well as over the phone and had to end things with CG then I'd feel awful for doing what I did. Sure, I'm a sexually obsessed pig who can't look at a girl between the ages of "18" and 65 without picturing the chick naked... but I simply don't like hurting people. I knew that was a part of dating multiple chicks at once, but I never imagined I'd like them both so much.

The other problem I'm having is that it seriously might come down to looks. CG and I have a ton of the same interests. She loves the cartoons I love... watches the shows I watch... makes the jokes I make... everything. She's just not as attractive as Dork... as far as I know. Dork is as smart as I am. She understands everything I say without me having to simplify or explain. She's interesting and actually contributes to conversations. CG does too, but just not in the same way. If Dork is better looking... then I'm going to have to pick Dork... but that's such a shitty reason. CG has a better sense of humor and Dork has a better intellect... but they even out and it's going to be dependant upon looks? What kind of shallow asshole makes that decision? Me. That's the one. I'm torn... big time... and I don't want to hurt CG or Dork. I will date them both for a while, but with how far CG is willing to go, I don't know how long that will last. If I don't have condoms the next time I hang out with her she'll probably get them herself. That means I can probably hang out with CG two more times before I'm having sex with her... max... which should be a good thing, but I know how sex messes with your head. I would hate for her to think that I stayed with her just to put a knotch on my belt and then moved on.

Tomorrow night I don't have any plans and am wrestling with hanging out with a girl who I saw a long time ago. She's kept in touch with me and wants to hang out again... and loves the cock. If I see her it will be just because I'd like to have some fun, but that would go against everything I am. I do actually like her too, but she moved after I met her and she's now about... oh... an hour and a half away. She'd make a great "friend with benefits", but she'd be an awful girlfriend due to the distance. If only I knew how to make that "Friends with benefits" conversation work... oh well... I probably won't call her because I'll feel guilty as I'm dialing the numbers... but I probably "should."

OK, I just wanted to drop in and say something. The job is going very well, btw. I haven't made any money yet, but I'm moving rapidly in that direction. I should be paid something soon. Once that first sale actually goes through I'm going to feel awesome... but I feel pretty amazing right now as it is. I'm happy and relaxed... that hasn't happened in forever. I think it's because I have a few girls in my life that I really like and a career that is going places... but it could just be because I don't care about failure anymore. Who knows?

Goodbye, fuck face.

2006-09-06T16:09:00.000-07:00

MOTHERFUCKING SNAKES

Why I don't sleep.

2006-09-06T13:23:00.000-07:00

I haven't been able to sleep for a week. I have no problem running head long into a buzz saw knowing it's going to be a long and difficult fight for whatever it is that I want, but when there are choices involved... I'm a mess. I can't sleep, I can't focus, I start to wonder how my brain works that I can walk in with a smile knowing it's going to be a brutal day/week/month/year but choices and decisions freak me out.

Here's what's up.

I started my new job yesterday. Today I have the day off because my boss is out of town for the day and didn't have shit for me to do on my own seeing as I don't know shit yet. That's the whole company. Big Tom... and me. That's it. He's made it clear if things go well that I will take over the company in a max of 6 years. This is a company that put 3 kids through college, bought a beautiful house with a 4 car garage, kept his wife from ever working, and gives him enough money to really be happy. Big Tom likes to call it "fuck you money," but that's just because I've probably used that phrase in his presence too many times. I've switched to "publicly making fun of jews money." Seems to be the more appropriate reference for the times. Once you have enough money to get out in public... on tv... and smash the jews... that means you're super rich.

Big Tom is basically my dad. I've lived at his house for a decade, I call his wife "mom," his son is my best friend, and I've even brought one of his daughters to the prom. I'm part of the family... and now he's my boss and offering up his company if things work out.

I just wrote out another check for 60% of last month's rent which will completely clear my account... again. Yesterday, Big Tom and I made a sales call to a hedge fund in the city and he's going to assign me that account... which is aprox a $3,500 payday for me when they sign the contract... and they will. They want to have the project completed by Nov 1... and we're the first step of said project, so hopefully they get to signing papers soon. That entire check will have to go to rent. That will clear my debt with my land lord... or at least come very very close. There are a couple other projects he's going to "assign" to me so I have a little cash and tomorrow I start actually making sales calls.

Big Tom asked me if I have a priority with my bills and I did, but not concrete, so I made one up. He says that will help me feel better as I'm making money. That once I can scratch debt off the list line by line that I will have a better view of how I'm doing until I start putting money in the bank that doesn't need to come out in 30 days. It goes as follows: RENT, couch, suits. Everything else is up to date, but the next debt to be paid off will be my truck payments and then college loans. It's only going to take me about 10,000 to get my actual late and necessary debt paid off. Once that's over with I'll be making the obligatory cell phone payments, gas, and small monthly sub stuff like EverQuest... what a loser.

Anyways, this post is drifting away. Back on track. So, why did this amazing opportunity scare me out of my sleep patterns? It's just that it's so good and I'm so scared I'm going to fuck it up. I have a choice in the matter too which is going to make me look bad regardless of what I choose. I decided I'd work part time at a package carrier to get myself some bucks, but after thinking about it, I don't want to. It's from 6am to 9am t-f and 6am to noon on Saturday. I need to be on top of my game at Big Tom's so I can build a true career... I can't be fucking around delivering packages for 3 hours a morning for like 200 bucks a week. It just won't get me anywhere. I was out in the city for like 4 hours yesterday and made myself 3,500 bucks. Sure, that one was a gimmie and I didn't say anything or do anything, but I got to see how this all works and it's really not hard. The choice to not work for the package carrier is going to piss off my folks because they know how badly I need some loot. I just don't see beating myself up as the best way to get it. Starting tomorrow I'm going to be in the hustle for real. I've made this decision and it's scary.

It's scary because I could be laughing about every questioning myself in a few months or sitting in my parents' living room reading the want adds kicking myself for not delivering packages to make a few extra bucks. It's also scary because I don't know what I'm doing and it's clear that this industry is simple, but only after you know what you're doing. For instance, yesterday the client goes "We want this whole room to be viewed by cameras... what do you think? 4?" Big Tom says, "Nah, you're going to need at least 6." "OK." If he had said he wanted 4 cameras to me, I would have just wrote that down and been done with it. Later, Big Tom explained why he needed more and it made sense. The simple way to put all this jive is that once you have a basica understanding of how everything works you can talk about it very easily. It's not like every situation is new and complicated. It's all just understanding the basics. I don't know shit, but I think I'll learn quickly. I'm just so scared that this will fall apart in front of my eyes somehow and this opportunity of a lifetime... to be my own boss... run my own multi million dollar company by 30... live a wildly sucessful life on my own terms... and enjoy my time with a family who's as close as my own... and I'll only have myself to blame. Big Tom is doing everything he can to get me going. If I fuck this up, it's all on me. And that is nerve wracking.

Would it be better if I just accepted a position at a retail location or I went and delivered packages for a decent wage? I mean, if I was making 30 grand a year I could whittle my bills down and in a year or two be debt free. I could save a few bucks here and there and work my 40 hours a week. It sure would be a lot less pressure... and I'd know what I'm going to earn... but is that what I want?

"Want" is a stupid feeling. I don't like wanting things. It clouds the thinking. I should be making choices based on the facts and what is best for me at this specific moment... but I can't. For instance, there are two girls in my life right now that can basically be called "Safe Choice" and "Challenge." The safe choice is Cool Girl... the challenge is Dork. I knew Cool Girl first and have been out with her a few times now. Dork is a very slow mover. She's better looking, smarter, more intreguing, but much more difficult. Cool Girl is just that... she's cool. I like hanging out with her and the last time we hung out we made out a bit. Dork is probably weeks away from a lunch. I think I just need to type out pros and cons.

Cool Girl:

Pros: Fun, makes me laugh, easy going, and easy to read. She likes me and wants to chat just about every day. If I call her she'll answer. She likes to make plans for the next meeting at the end of the previous date. Her intentions are clear... she wants to date me (so far).

Cons: She lives about 45 minutes away by car. There is mass transit to get to where she lives, but I'd have to drive an hour to get to the switching station that would bring me that way. She's overweight and not all that attractive. She's lost a ton of weight in the past year and hasn't exactly "snapped back" yet. Her chest is small compared to the extra baggage she's carrying. She is a decent kisser, but not spectacular... and for some reason I put that here in cons... I expect perfection!

Dork:

Pros: Smart as hell, funny, hasn't been jaded by attention, somewhat "librarian hot," has red curly hair (my favorite), lives in the city (also 45 minutes) but would rather live in the suburbs, very pretty, tall, in great shape. She has that "challenging" factor even though it's not like other girls that are just difficult. She's just very cautious but obviously interested. "Corruptable" is not the best way to put it... I'd say she's not as numb to the crazy shit I do and would enjoy the hell out of herself. Isn't against being spontaneous and fun, but wouldn't do it on her own. I think I'll have a fucking amazing time with her. Cites a "high sex drive." Not used to the attention "I'm not used to persistant attention from a guy." Reminds me of every girl I've ever had a serious crush on in my whole life. Super smart, nerd beautiful, fun but over cautious.

Cons: Virgin. "waiting until marriage" because "couldn't enjoy sex outside of marriage with the fear of pregnancy." Also cites "personality" for a reason why she has chose to not have sex. She's only 22, so it's not like she's been around the block (so of course I think I can turn her). Not used to the attention (pro and con... will make things interesting but difficult). So nervous about things. If that's talking via emails, AIM, phone, in person... everything's going to be like pulling teeth. Will probably be a lot of BS attached with every step of the way, but so far a little effort has smoothed things out. I won't know if she's the valid choice for a relationship for quite some time. I FORGOT THIS ONE BUT IT'S FUCKING HUGE: She's friends with my ex... the one that broke my heart and ruined my life. They work in the same industry and hang out about once a month for a "girls' night."

So, now I have a decision to make... and it's not between these two. Remember, PG is still flaking out and then calling me to make sure I'm still interested and then flaking out and comin back over and over and over. I will try to fuck her before things get too far out of favor with her, but it's so damn difficult with her. There is another girl "Actor Girl" who gave me her number last night and another girl who asked if I'd like to meet her for drinks on Friday... which I had to decline because I'm going to a party with CG. I'm not sitting on my hands here, but so far the one I'm most interested in is the one that's going to move the absolute slowest. PG will be in and out of my life and hopefully will give some sexual release, CG will be a constant and looks to want to keep things moving forward at a steady pace, AG seems like she might be a great choice, but so far it's not magnetism, and the drinks girl is 28 and acts like I'm 12 because I'm the first guy she's ever dated who's younger than her... by 3 years... so I just want to meet up with her to meet her... no feelings at all there either. All the while... there's Dork. She's the one I want as of today... and I have no idea how long it's going to be before we even meet in person let alone get things moving in the right direction.

The choice to be made is how far to go with CG (seeing as that's in the works) how much stock to put in Dork, how many other girls to go out with, what to say/do with them, etc. What's hard is that I went from zero chicks to like 6 that I'm dealing with. So far everything's been cool. Girl With a C is just out of the picture. I'm not about to beg anyone for their company, but that doesn't make shit easier. There are only really 2 nights a week to go out with someone that lives outside of town and there are like 6 chicks I'd like to give a whirl before whittling down to the one I'd like a relationship with. In fact, I need to get out with all of them so they can decide if they like ME or not. No use stressing over which to pick until you have a clear picture of your actual choices. I could pick Dork and tell all the other girls to take a hike and then Dork could be like "lol beat it." I could go out with the "Thinks She's Old Girl" and she could hate me. Who knows?

I guess the only REAL choice right now is what to do with CG. She likes me and I like her, but there are just other girls I think I could like much more, but I don't KNOW that. My whole "dating more than one girl" post is very easy in theory, but that theory doesn't take into account that every girl has her own time table. CG isn't a sleep around kind of girl. She hasn't even touched my man weapon and we've made out twice now. I don't know how significant it will be for HER when she finally does and if I will be breaking her heart if I chose someone else.

It's really hard to be ready to hurt someone. Especially someone you do like. I am going to have to be careful with CG to not get too close until I'm sure but also to stay close enough to not fuck myself twice by not choosing another girl and not having her there.

I've chatted with Dork for a couple days in a row on the... just had to add another con... computer and she's really fun to talk to. I seriously really like her a lot. I really want to meet her and see how things go because she's exactly what I'm looking for... besides the whole "virgin" thing and the "I'm friends with your ex... lol." Last night we talked for the first time over the phone and it was awesome. I enjoy talking with her sooo much. I don't know what to do, but I allready have such a crush on her.

I'm not even sure 100% what the fuck I'm trying to say in this post. I guess it's just that the future is so uncertain right now... and I'm talking immediate future as well as long run stuff... that it just weighs on me. I am a worrier by nature and it's really hard for me to relax when I know how much shit is going on around me that I can only half controll. If I had no controll or if I was in total control I'd feel so much better, but it's like I can only cast my line and walk away. The rest is up to chance and it makes me seriously physically ill... I just want to sleep again.

You got served

2006-09-01T21:08:00.000-07:00

My first and last temp assignment ended today. I was in the purchasing department for a physical rehab clinic with an awesome guy named G. G and I would work together every day to keep inventory numbers up, stock nursing carts, deliver packages, stock deliveries, etc. Well, G had to take a day off on Tuesday. To insure the purchasing department continued to purchase as usual, he had a woman come down from another branch of this clinic to fill in for him while he was gone. He assured me that she knew what she was doing and everything should work to plan.

Late in the day on Monday G tells me that we should break down some boxes because we have a shitload to do. I tell him "I want to save them for tomorrow. If I hate this woman I want to have stuff to keep me busy so I can avoid her."

When G came in on Wednesday he saw 3 neatly stacked piles of flat boxes that were sorted by size and kept within a few inches of each other and no full open boxes anymore. In fact, the whole warehouse was spotless.

I got in at 8 and this chick was sitting in the very corner of the office behind a table she pulled as tight to the wall as she could. On top of the table was a laptop... that she didn't move from all fucking day.

This job is a 2 person job. There's no reason to have 3 and 1 isn't enough. I made about 32 trips throughout the day either delivering, stocking, or checking inventory while she sat there on her huge fat ass with the AC set to stun yelling in her stupid loud voice. If someone came in looking for something that couldn't be held with one hand she would leave me a note. If it was something useless and obscure like a form that we don't normally use she'd freak out and open hundreds of boxes looking for it and making a huge production out of the whole thing just to waste time. Not only would she freak out about how important this need for pink envelopes was, but she would run around bad mouthing G and making it clear that once she's here things would actually be organized so emergencies like this don't happen... OVER PINK ENVELOPES!

I came back from 2 straight hours of stocking nursing carts (which normally takes G and I about 30 minutes) and there is a note where I sit. "Med Records needs 1 box of paper. Thanks."

"Who put this note here?"

"I did."

"Why?"

"Medical Records called about an hour ago and asked for a box of paper."

"And they still need it?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Because you didn't bring it down yet lol."

I felt myself starting to black out and get into killing mode, but it was almost lunch time so I figured I'd just suck it up, get things done, and never see her again. It wasn't like I wanted to sit and chat with her. Not only was she useless, but her personality was about as entertaining as throat cancer. I shut my mouth, got the paper, and dropped it off.

When I get back there's another note. "In-patient admissions needs 1 box of paper. Thanks."
To really understand how lazy this is you have to have an idea of where inpatient admissions is located in relation to purchasing. IT'S DIRECTLY ACROSS THE HALLWAY! She left me a note instead of putting one box of paper on the hand truck sitting right there and walking it less than 10 feet through 2 doorways.

I decided it was time to build a case against this piece of shit in case I had to use it. So, I ask her what she's doing on the computer.
"I'm connected to my office and I'm doing what I do every day... making sure we have enough things ordered to keep our inventory up."

"Oh, so you've got remote access?"
"Yes."

"That's cool."

Well, at about 3:30 the computer guy comes down and she's in the bathroom. I ask him what's up and he tells me, "She hasn't been able to connect to her office remotely all day and wants me to see if I can fix it."

This was playing out like a fucking sitcom. I had everything I needed allready, but I wanted to see if she'd help me in the afternoon after she sat in the AC playing fucking minesweeper all day while I'm sweating my ass off running shit all over the clinic. Afternoon stocking time comes and she's still sitting there. I look at her and go "you going to help stock the carts?" "I can help you." Wow, she's going to help. Maybe I should have just asked in the morning. Well, she was going to "help" if by "help" you mean go "I don't know where anything is, so you find it, but I'll let you know what you have in your hand when you put it on the hand truck." I was now at my breaking point and she was following me around saying "that's a trach kit" "That's a drainage bag" etc etc. I finally turned to her and say "you know what, I think I've got this under controll."

I'm running around and I'm not done at 4pm. I get back to take another load of supplies out to the floor and she pops out of nowhere and supprises me. "Time to go home. Lock up." "East wing still needs some things." "I don't care. Lock up. It's after 4pm for christ's sake."

I decide that instead of putting her in intensive care and finishing my job I'd leave and just hope they wouldn't run out overnight. At least she was gone.

Thursday morning I walk in and see G sitting at his computer, but to my horror, she's back in her tight little corner with her laptop... huge disguisting fat ass and all.

You've got one more day, Pi... just shut your mouth, ignore her, and get through this.

She leaves for lunch exactly at 11am and G lets me know that she comes down on Tuesday and Thursday most weeks because she's going to be working there full time when the addition they are building is finished. I don't get it. G is an awesome materials manager. He gets shit done, he does it fast, everyone likes him, and he doesn't mind doing the work himself at all. He's fun to work with and he's a really nice guy. This bitch comes down to West and she's going to do what? Be G's boss. I am mortified. She has no business even having a job let alone being G's boss. Not only that, but she's postured herself into a position where if things go wrong she can blame them on G or Bob (the guy I'm filling in for) and if things go right, she can take full credit without doing a single fucking thing. She can sit there and occupy her time making mole hills into mountains, emailing her friends, and playing solitare, but if things aren't done right, she can say it was G's fault. There's no way for her to be exposed as a waste of air because she doesn't do shit and the people around her don't need her there, so they don't go out of their way to call her out. Also, if there are plenty of supplies in the carts... why even ask what everyone does every day? She is a leach on the ass of a well run department and somehow got herself above the people that do all the work.

I was so upset I wanted to just kick down the VP of HR's door and tell him everything. I wanted to just blow up her spot, pump G up, let him know exactly how the department looks from the outside and make things right. I walked out there to talk to him... and he had gone on vacation until after I'm gone.

Now I'm upset AND frustrated.

I get back to purchasing and sit down and start chatting with G while he's going over invoices for the day. Unfortunately, it's all done on the computer and it's complicated, so there really isn't anything I can do to help, but it's pretty mindless for G, so that's normally when we talk about things like the history of Ethiopia, role of women in a relationship, why I can't understand Jamaican people when they talk to each other but can understand them fine when they talk to me, etc. It's a fun time of the day.

Well, our shady vendor who doesn't wear socks comes down with only half of what he was supposed to deliver and starts trying to smooth things out before anyone even realizes that he doesn't have the stock we need. I bust his balls a bit and he goes "well, look at you all comfy with your chair reclined and your feet up. Good thing I don't lounge all day or you guys wouldn't have shit." He was joking and we both laughed. Then I hear that cunt drop some line about me being lazy from behind me and I flip the crazy switch.

"What did you just say?"

"I said, good thing G's here, Lazy."

"OK, well, I used to analize business on profitability and expenses in my previous life and I'd like to say that you are the most expendable, worthless, useless, employee of any company I've ever audited for a client. Here's why. You intentionally pick a spot to sit where nobody can see your computer because you don't really do any work on that computer..."

"Excuse me??? I have remote access to my office and I keep inventory up in North! Thank you very much."

"Really? Then why did you call down PC services at 3:30PM on Tuesday? He told me you didn't HAVE access and that he wouldn't be able to restore it for a long time."

"wh... at?"

"Yeah, and on top of that you haven't stood up once to help a single person get anything done. You punch in at 8am on the nose, do nothing all day and punch out at 4 regardless of how much work is left to be done. Not only do you sit there wasting space all day but you don't even do the simple things that would help more than anything. If you had even walked around and taken down what was needed instead of watching me do that then I would have not had to run around all day taking notes, pulling boxes, delivering and redelivering. I'm not even asking for you to pick anything up. I'm saying carry a pen and paper around, take some notes, and tell me what's needed. You are in the purchasing department with the same job title as the rest of us, but you think because you're an old fat woman that you can sit there and act like you're better than everyone."

"I helped you pull stuff in the afternoon."

"You did? I seem to remember you talking shit about G and the way things are organized while you were looking around for packing tape. Then when I'd bring a box down you'd say 'oh, that is a box of underpads' and I'd say 'yes'."

"well... you wouldn't have found..."

"I did find everything. You did not pull one box the whole day. If you think I'm just ranting, I'd like to let you know that I will be in touch with your boss on Tuesday with a full written report assessing the purchasing department for extraneous expenses and job titles. Ken knows what I did before I was here. He will take any critique of the department to heart because he knows it's coming from a professional."

"but..."

"While I'm at it... you better get your shit together too, Vendor without Socks. I did a little research on my own this week and there are 17 other vendors that sell the same things you do that service our clinic's area. Some of them even offer them at lower prices. I'm sure they would enjoy our business... especially since we have 10 locations in this state and over 100 on the east coast. In fact, I bet if we told them we were out of lotion and warm pads on a Monday they most likely wouldn't waltz in here on Thursday and say 'Too bad!' and expect it all to be OK."

"..."

"People need to stop fucking around and expecting G to clean up your messes. There are 4 of us standing in this room right now. Two of us are very expendable. I hope I've made it clear which 2 you are. I will be submitting my report on Tuesday. I hope you all enjoy your long weekend... WU TANG!... bitches..."

I walked out of the office and I hear G laughing his fucking ass off coming out after me. He was like "where the fuck did THAT come from?" To which I replied "She thinks I'm a goofy temp that doesn't have a brain in my head. I had to let her know if she fucks with people around me that she's going to learn I'm the mother fuckin guns of the navarone. Just because I'm stocking shelves for a temp agency doesn't mean that I'm not a professional in my normal life. Fuck her... and fuck that vendor."

1 hour later we received 2 boxes of lotion and 4 boxes of warm pads. The useless hole couldn't look at me the rest of the day and there were a few times I was sure she was going to cry.

You got motherfuckin served.

I'm Shallow... or they just suck?

2006-08-31T20:09:00.000-07:00

OK, I've posted at length about the problem I've been having with online dating. The girls seem really cool and fun... but they are not attractive. To every girl who will read that first statement, label me shallow, and move on hating the ol 3.14... just give me a shot here. I don't think that's the case anymore. I just think I have no idea what the fuck I want out of a relationship. Well, my "heart" knows what I want... but my brain has no clue.

For instance, I thought I really had a good time and I thought the girls I had seen were really cool... but you know what? I don't think they were. They were polite and went along with my whacky fucking sense of humor, but were they really so cool?

I've been seeing this girl who is not "hot" by the traditional definition of the word. In fact, of her circle of friends (who I met) she is the least hot of them all. She's a bit overweight and it is not represented by large breasts and a big ass. She's "white girl chubby." Her ass is just about not there, her breasts are average at best. She's cute... but not hot by any stretch. I really don't want to paint her in a bad light, but you have to understand that when it comes to looks, she's the least hot girl I've ever dated (and by that I mean went out with more than once). She's the one I called "Cool Girl" in a previous post.

Well, Pretty Girl wants to hang out this weekend. She is having some money issues due to her insurance benefits being reduced as she's getting ready to go back to work and just wants to chill and watch a movie. What that means is that I'll pretty much travel into the city to attempt to have sex with her. She's got an awesome body. She's very pretty. She's fun to hang out with and she just "gets it" when it comes to a lot of things. On top of all that, this date she wants to have this weekend is just going to be sex. What the fuck else is there to do? Watch a movie, talk about it's merits, and part ways? She is very liberal in the sex department, so I'm sure she knows as well as I do if I go out there it's going to involve some sort of sexual contact.

I went out with Cool Girl on Wednesday. We had a great time. We met at my place and then took a walk into town for dinner. On the way back I blew any chance of her coming back to my place by being a clown. She mentioned some girl and I said "did you guys make out?" to which she said "no... lol" and then said "you know, you remind me of this guy I was great friends with in college..." "Did you guys have sex?" "No." "OK then... changing gears." DOH! Never make your intentions clear. Stupid Pi. It's not like I would have even made a move unless she was very clear in her desire for me to do so, but SAYING that you want to have sex with someone while you're walking back to his place really puts the decision in the parking lot... not in the living room where you WANT it to be made.

Date ended with a hug and us making plans for Saturday night at her place.

Pretty Girl wants to hang out too.

What's the problem? I'm not tied to either one of them. All I want is sex, right? Pretty Girl is much hotter than Cool Girl and wants to just hang out at her apartment where we will have all the time and privacy in the world. Last time I was there we got down and I stayed the night. So, if logic is correct, that would mean that I should make plans with Pretty Girl ASAP and go there with the sole intention of having sex with her because she's the hotter and more sexual choice.

Why doesn't it feel right?

(don't worry, I'm going to tie up this shit show soon)

Another girl has shown interest in the Pi Man. We're going to call her Dork. Dork is REALLY smart and loves dorky stuff like games and books... wants to write a book... works for a publisher in the city. She's a homebody who doesn't drink very often (says "a few times a year" in her own words) and would rather just dork out at home with friends than go out boozing. I fell for her the second I read her profile on eHarmony. She's got everything I'm looking for in a personality, but I don't know how long it's going to take me to get in front of her, so we'll put her out there for reference, but we'll leave it at that.

You know why it doesn't feel right? I'm more comfortable and more happy with Cool Girl than I am with Pretty Girl. CG is funny. She actually made me laugh. She brought up the question "why do lesbians like manly girls? Wouldn't you think they'd like pretty girly girls?" That has been my #1 question for YEARS! I've never heard a girl talk about anything like that. That was basically MY question in MY words. Her and I are basically a 85% personality match which is about as close as you can get. She laughs at my jokes, I laugh at hers. That's huge because I am normally disgusted by girls' attempts at humor. She actually had me laughing out loud (lol... lol). I really like her a lot and I can tell she likes me. It's a comfortable and happy place to be. I really like it and want to be around her even though her body is not what I'm used to and far from what I'm looking for. BUT IT DOESN'T MATTER WITH HER. I don't care at all. I want to bang her just as much as I'd like to bang PG, but this is because I really like her and can deal with the body issues because I'm far from perfect myself and I'm happy with her.

She gives me the affirmation I need to be confident and comfortable in our interactions. PG does the exact opposite. She won't talk on the phone, she won't give me any indication of what she'd like from me. I don't even know what time of day she'd like to see me, but she has been trying to coordinate the weekend via text messages... which is impossible. If she'd call me up, act excited to see me, and be an active part of the planning process for this weekend I'd be estatic to see her, but that's not how PG rolls. She throws out shit that doesn't even let you know if she wants to see you and gives you no indication of what she'd like to do, when, where, etc. Only thing I know is she'd like me to come into the city and any day this weekend's fine.

I don't think I'm in this just for sex. I don't know how to have sex with random girls and I don't even like making out with girls I don't think I'll want to see again. I'm very sexually obsessed, but only in the context of a relationship. Once I'm comfortable with someone I will not be able to keep my hands off her, but when things are slow and just getting started I don't know how to do anything. I probably seem close to asexual when in reality all I'm doing is picturing what she'd look like after I dump a batch on her. It's this bizare irony I live. All I think about is sex, but I'm so uncomfortable with the reality that I don't know how to make the reality in my head and the reality in the world come closer together. I know if I try and fail I'll get more sex than waiting for the right time, but I just don't know how to go that way.

You chicks have it easy. All you have to do is throw signs until they're picked up. We have to be the ones reading your actions/words and trying to understand when the moment's right. You can even be forward and get things going without a lot of fear of the dreaded "what are you doing?"

I blame all of my problems with casual sex on my lack of sex outside of a relationship. I just don't know how casual sex works. To me, having sex is something you do at the perfect moment when the stars align perfectly with romantic music, candles, and all that stupid shit. After the first time I'll kick open a public bathroom door and bend you over the toilet, but until that first time... I'm such a pussy. I read a story on a blog a while back where a girl was regretful that she had lost her virginity to some random dude after a party in a dank basement. I would give anything to have lost my virginity to a girl who's name I didn't even know behind a dumpster somewhere so I don't have this fucking hangup I can't shake. I guess the best way to get out of this mentality is to put my head down and just plow forward with as many chicks as I can... like PG... until I'm used to it, but I just feel so awkward.

I had to call cousin fil today just to verbalize my issues with going out with PG this weekend. I really am looking forward to seeing CG and for some reason that is making me question whether I want to see PG before or after CG. My cock is saying "dude, get out there tomorrow night... get laid NOW!" and my brain is going "but if you fuck her tomorrow... you're not going to be able to feel comfortable with CG on Saturday... go out with her Sunday!" to which my cock replies "fuck that shit... she might turn Sunday into a daytime date and there is less of a chance of sex! No fucking way... Friday night it is." Brain hops in "Do you really think you'll be comfortable having sex with a girl you don't love? This would be a first." Cock, "sex sex sex sex... wait... you're right... and by right I mean sex." Brain, "dumbass." Cock, "Dumbass? Will you seriously be able to get PG's sweet tits and waxed box out of your head when you're with CG on Saturday? What if she's not that good looking naked and all you can think about is PG on Sunday? Wouldn't you rather get that out of the way on Friday?" Brain, "Yes... but still... I don't know... I'm calling cousin fil." Cock, "you're calling a dude when we're talking about pussy? Faggot." Brain, "fuck you, dude... I'm trying to work all this out so we can get along... just shut your pie hole."

Da cuz goes "See PG. If you have something to gain, do it. Don't worry about shit."

So now I'm sitting up wide awake at 2am because I'm concerned about what I'm doing this weekend. On top of that I basically blew off another chick who wanted to hang out because having 3 or 4 chicks on my plate is confusing enough and she's the least of the choices.

I haven't made a decision, but this is the actual point of this whole fucking post which I almost totally forgot. I dont' think the girls that I saw that were ugly but "had great personalities and everything I have been looking for outside of an awful body" really were that great. The second I met a girl I really DID enjoy who wasn't physically what I'm looking for I was all about her. I just am having a hard time telling the difference between acceptance and contribution. I'm not looking for someone who will put up with me. There are plenty of girls out there that are looking for companionship who find me funny. They will sit there and laugh at my stupid shit, be the other side of any conversation, and do things I enjoy... but you know what? There aren't a lot of girls who actually CONTRIBUTE to the fun. I don't need a groupie, I need a partner in crime. CG is a partner in crime. She's awesome. Even though she doesn't have a banging ass and a flat stomach... she's a huge turn on because she actually CONTRIBUTES to the fun instead of just experiencing the fun WITH me.

I'm going to go so far as to say she's opened my eyes to the truth. Well, her and Dork have. Those two girls are not the two hottest chicks I've met. PG, Girl with a C, and a few before I started writting this blog are all much more attractive than CG, but CG has something they don't... a personality that actually makes hanging out with her more fun than hanging out here just telling stories out to space. I think Dork will take it a step further when it comes to contributing, but I don't think she'll be as edgy as CG, so they are pretty much neck and neck in personality.

That leads me to another thing that I find awesome in a girl... super intelligence. That's a factor I never realized I was chasing. I LOVE girls who are as smart as I am or smarter. I hate having to tell stories and then explain 3 different parts of it because she didn't get it. I don't like being the only one bringing anything interesting to the table. I don't like when girls don't understand where things are coming from or can't follow a complex train of thought. I enjoy girls who are like top 5% of the intelligence scale. Common sense I hold constant because I wouldn't fuck around with someone who had absolutely no street smarts, but when a girl is street smart and has incredible book smarts it's most of the battle already. Dork and CG are both very smart. They are witty, get it, and bring shit to the table when it comes to intellectual conversation. That's been more of a turn on (in the terms of the long haul) than PG's perfect D tits. Of course, when she is in her little tank top with her nipples poking through it's extreme RIGHT NOW turn on... but when it comes to a relationship... the tits are great... but having a girl who knows that what I just said was a quote from Plato... that's so awesome.

So that's two new things I realized I'm looking for and a real reason why I feel that I'm not so shallow anymore. I THOUGHT those girls were cool, but they weren't. I was just looking for the wrong stuff. All I thought I wanted was patience, kindness, and acceptance when in reality i was looking for intelligence and contribution more so than anything else. When I find that, the looks and all the other bullshit goes out the window... the problem is I don't find it often.

oooh... potential plot twist. CG text'd me about an hour ago... but I didn't get the mother fucker because I had sent Cuz a txt that failed to send about 3 hours ago and i can't receive anything until I clear the message. "are you up?" "yes, what's up?" No response. I'm sure she's fast asleep. If this is a "I can't hang out on saturday..." well... that would clear shit up a bit... but be hilarious after I had this whole self realization because of her company.

Anyways... 2am is my breaking point. That gives me 5 minutes to be sleeping or I won't make it to my last day at my temp job. If I remember, I'll tell the story of how I fucking robo served this bitch at my job and also caught a deadbeat vendor in the collateral damage. Nothing like rattling my cage thinking I'm a goofy temp and realizing that you just drew the guns of the navarone. I actually can't wait to tell that story.

How long are you willing to wait for sex?

2006-08-27T21:33:00.000-07:00

What a fucking question (I guess that's fuck proper as well as figuratively... lololol gimmie those ribs). I got this from a girl this weekend. I really dig her so far from our conversations via eharmony, but that question floored me. It was the first thing she asked me once we were out of structured communication and she worded it just like that. "How long are you willing to wait for sex?"

What the hell do you say to that? I said something like, "I don't put an expiration date on a relationship because of sex. It would be foolish to give up on a good thing because my sexual time table was different than the girl I'm getting to know."

I thought I did a good job, but let's take it a step further. Why was she asking me this question? Why was it the first thing she wanted to know? First thing that comes to mind is she is either a virgin or that she puts a specific time table on sex that is longer than what is traditionally accepted*. I do have a somewhat sexual slant on my profile. I make it clear that I want to meet someone who knows what she's doing and that girls uninterested in sex are things I "can't stand." She also mentioned that this is her first try at online dating and that she's only been on eharmony for about 2 weeks, so she might just think that all guys are looking for one night stands.

Of course, I think the worst... that she is the kind of girl who won't hold hands for a year and then will only do so with mittens on. I picture myself shaking hands with her after our 10th date and wondering why I'm on edge. I just don't think I can deal with THAT again. If I was 100% happy with a girl it would mean that she's open to all the stupid shit I do, is funny, patient, pretty, and an animal between the sheets. If I could bring a girl 4 wheeling, come home, clean up, have wild spider monkey on meth sex, and then play video games with her... well... I'd just give her half my stuff because she'd be my first ex wife one day. Take out any part of the perfection and you don't have a perfect relationship. If she's funny, pretty, but a zero in bed... that's not perfect. If she's wild in bed, pretty, but stupid... not perfect. You get the picture

Does that mean if a girl wants to wait a month or two before having sex that I throw her out of my life? Absolutely not. It does mean that I want to have sex... but WHEN is not really a concern. Shit... the last girl I dated seriously and I didn't have sex for almost 9 months. If I really care about a girl then I'm not going to freak out over sex... but I'm also not going to walk around with an iron bar in my skivies either. If she is cool with hooking up but doesn't want to be bent over the couch for a while... fine.

This girl is pretty, smart, funny, and is into all sorts of things that I'm into. She's a "one off" in looks... now that's not a bad thing... it's just that I don't picture her as a swimsuit model... I picture her as the hot librarian. Probably because she said in her words "here I am wearing my hot librarian glasses." She's not the stereotypical pretty girl but is very good looking none the less. She's one of the few girls I've met on eHarmony that really make me excited for our next communication... and probably the first that's made me so excited because of the actual content of her profile above and beyond her looks (which are great too). This is the kind of girl (if she turns out to be like I think she is) that I'd be 100% fine with even if she wasn't that great looking at all. I hope to have more intel on her this week.

So what happened to the Girl with a C? Exactly... NOTHING. I called her twice this week, sent her a couple text messages... nothing. I don't know how to handle her at all and I think this is her polite way of saying "thanks, but no thanks." I could be 100% wrong. Especially since I'm somewhat intimidated by how much I dig her and how good looking she is, but I'm just not fucking around anymore. I'm going to chase as much tail as possible and when the dust settles I'll have SOMEONE.

Pretty Girl is back in the picture. If you are new here, she's the one in the city who I went out with a couple times and after I spent the night at her place (hookup, no sex) she told me she was getting back with her ex only to break up with him 2 weeks later. She got back in touch with me via text messges, but when I asked "so, we going to hang out?" she stopped replying. I tried calling her 3 different times throughout the week to see what her deal was. Then a few days later I sent her an email that went like this, "Look, I can't read you. You break our 'thing' off to get back with your ex, you leave him, get back in touch with me, but I still have no idea if you want to see me again. I'd like to see you, but you don't answer your phone and when I asked you in text messages you didn't reply. Get back to me when you've made up your mind." She doesn't reply. Over the next week she leaves a bunch of comments on my myspace page. Then, on Friday, I met a couple real nice chicks that live in my building and while I was there they asked me for my myspace address. They both left me a ton of comments on Friday night and Saturday morning. Then I get a call from Pretty Girl.

She leaves a message like "Hey, it's Pretty Girl. Just wanted to say hi. Give me a call back." No content... but it's voicemail... what do you expect? I call her back and she answers the phone "Hey, I was just commenting on your myspace." I click back over and she's posted some picture with a clearly sexual message.

Pi: "So, how have you been?"
PG:"Good... you sure have a lot of chicks posting on your page!"
Pi: "Yeah, they're pretty cool. Met them last night."
PG: "really?"
Pi: "Yup."
PG: "small talk small talk small talk"
Pi: "return of small talk"

30 minutes later

Pi: "So, what's the deal?"
PG: "What do you mean?"
Pi: "Well, you got back with your ex as things were getting interesting between us, then broke up, got back in touch with me, but haven't given me an idea if you wanted to hang out again or not. I don't know how to read you."
PG: "If you wanted to hang out you should have called me!"
Pi: "humna humna humna (very confused. I tried calling 3 times, sent a few texts, and an email)
PG: "I am crazy, I know. I was down in the south for a week, bla bla bla my ex, bla bla bla"
Pi: "OK, so let's hang out this week sometime."
PG: "Definately. I'd like to see you again."

DOUBLE YOU TEA EFF!!!!!1

I tried everything outside of begging to get an indication as to her stance on our 'relationship' and she gave me NOTHING. Then she tells me if I wanted to hang out I should have called her? When I did call her three times? Bizaro.

Saturday night, as I'm getting ready to go out with another chick, I get a text message from Pretty Girl, "I like u." Holy mother of God... affirmation! She said exactly what she had to say to get me back interested... but what strange timing. I really am starting to think that she believed that I was moping around here with no other women in my life. Well... if you count women I'm having sex with then she's right... but I have 2 more girls to give updates about after this rant. I will make plans with her for some time this week... maybe during the week at my place... or over the weekend at hers... but I'm going to see her and I expect her to feel obligated to get me off one way or the other. Cross your fingers for sex, but who would turn down Krang?

The girl I was going to see when I got that text is Cool Girl. I don't really know what to call her, but I do think she's pretty cool, so that fits. She's fun to talk to, she's fun to hang out with, she "gets" it so far, and she's into me so far, so how could I say no? Well, she's not exactly what I'm looking for physically, but it's not like she's so far off that it's a blatent NO! She's a little short and a little chubby. Not that she's hangy gross fat, but she's got a little belly that's a little more than I'm used to. I still find her attractive... especially since she's so cool to talk to... so she's still in the mix. (I figured out the best way to define how I see attractive. It's a YES/NO thing. There are no levels of attractiveness. Either I am attracted or I am not. So when I say attractive that could mean anything from below average to extremely beautiful. When I say unattractive that means that she's not physically a turn on and that's a hard category to fall into because I find beauty in damn near every girl.)

I went up to her place to hang out in some bars in town with her last night and met a bunch of her friends. It was the first time her and I had hung out, so that was a little intimidating, but they had been out for hours when her and I showed up, so they were loose and fun to talk to by then. I actually got along really well with the boyfriends of her friends and the girls were just sort of there. I guess that's a decent start. When I left, the one dude was like "dude, you've got to hang out more often... well... I HOPE... (leans in) Cool Girl's a really good chick... I think you're going to really dig her." Funny part is that I agree. She's nowhere near as hot as Pretty Girl or Girl with a C, but her personality rocks. We left with a parting hug and I drove home... 4 beers deep at 4am. I normally don't even consider myself buzzed until I've had 8 or 10, but it was so late that alcohol wasn't helping due to the "tiredness" factor.

The downside is that she's never had a serious relationship. That fucking scares the shit out of me. She even mentioned trust issues, so there is going to be a bump in the road or two if things work out. She's also damn near an hour away... another bane of my existance. Why can't things work out with local girls? Wait! I know! It's because I'm a big ol country boy living in a foreign land. But that's another post.

Final girl I want to mention is one I didn't get to see this weekend. Don't crucify me for the name... but she's Big Sex. Her priority in the getting to know you process was to make it clear that she wants a guy that LOVES sex because she LOVES sex. She's not a bad looking girl, but from the pictures she selected it appears that she will be quite a bit bigger than what I'm looking for. She's tall and has a pretty face, but she's built big and is carrying some serious extra baggage. I was pretty much talking to her because she supprised the hell out of me with her responses to my questions, but she just isn't an exciting match. I figure going out with a girl you don't think you're going to want to date and ending up having sex with her is better than sitting here having sex with yourself and hoping to find a girl. Who knows? Maybe she's better looking than I'm guessing, but I'm a pro at picking out gross girls from very well framed pictures.

Final? LIES! I have 1 more. She's The Actress. Down home southern girl trying to make it big in the big city. Very tall, pretty girl who's been really fun to chat with thus far. She actually requested communication with me. That normally means just close it before you even take a look because she's 500lbs with one leg and one eye, but when I opened it up and realized she was good looking, talented, AND interested in me... I was pumped. We JUST made it to open communication tonight, so I'll get a chance to actually see how she behaves without training wheels in the next couple days. I couldn't figure it out, but something was missing from the equation. Why is she interested in me? What's so different about her? Something's got to be different... then it hit me. She's from the south! She's not a jaded piece of shit from the city who looks for 100lb guys with pink shirts and white belts... she's a country girl who appreciates a big old country boy. At least it makes sense when I think of it that way. When I visit my family in the country I'm always talking with random chicks. There is just a different perception down there. They like the lumberjacks that go dateless up here. Add in the fact that I speak with a mild northern accent (I still have the absolute slightest southern influence in my voice combined with the fact that I'm a trained singer... those two things basically slaugtered my accent) and they LOVE me. Who knows? Maybe I'll have a pretty little actress in my life. I'm feeling pretty confident that she will dig me and I'd like to eat her liver with some beans and a nice red wine.

And on that note... punching out.

*Traditionally accepted time table for sex is the perceived accepted time table for sex. I don't even know what that means. Maybe she feels that after 3 dates if you're not having sex that it's strange and she needs to point it out. Maybe she means 3 years. Who knows? Because there is no right and wrong when it comes to how long you wait before getting down it makes understanding what people have in their heads very difficult.

I'd also like to point out that putting specific qualifiers on sex trivializes the event. If you say "after 3 dates we can have sex" then what you're really saying is "I don't care who it's with, but if he buys me 3 dinners then I'll let him pump me a few times." Even if you say something like "I want to wait 6 months" then you're still saying that sex is something that must be earned through some sort of sacrafice and once that has been paid you can start getting down.

Sex is fun. If you bring home some random person from the bar for sex, then it's just a fun little activity you can't do alone that you both want to do at that specific time. When sex is in the context of a relationship, it should have more meaning. You should be able to either build up to or wait for the "right" time for you both. It shouldn't be something you see coming from the get go. There are some relationships I've had that were sexual from day one and others where it didn't feel right for a few months. It all has to do with your comfort level. Putting a price on sex, whether it's time, dates, etc is just making it into a transaction. I just can't stand girls that think they are "good girls" because they wait X ammount of time. It just makes you a bad girl who uses sex like a commodity. "This vagina will cost you 3 dinners, 1 movie, a round of mini golf, and a broadway show." Stop it allready and just do it when it feels right... if that's 1 date or 1 year... just be honest with yourself in the context of your relationship.

Working Man

2006-08-24T21:16:00.000-07:00

I worked all week. Tonight I hung out with some ladies who live in my building. I have plans all weekend. My life 180'd fast.

As of this moment things are good for me. I don't know how it happened, but I'm happy. I'm only working a 2 week temp assignment in the purchasing department of a physical rehab clinic, but my attitude has U-turned faster than I could have imagined. When this assignment is up I'm going to take my DOT physical and start delivering packages in the morning and working with my friend's father. That job IS going to work out. I'm not afraid of it anymore.

There is this thing known as "runner's high" that you get when you push yourself beyond what you believe you can do physically and all of a sudden you start feeling peaceful. It's a euphoria you fall into when you've gone too far. It was what I felt ever M/W/F when I was training with the football team and we'd work out like our lives depended on it for 3 hours a day starting at 5am. About half way in I'd given everything I had to give. My heart couldn't beat any faster. My legs were tired and I had nothing left in the tank, but I kept going. I'd run faster, jump higher, change direction faster... I was working like a machine, but my head was saying "enough... you've gone too far."

I've hit a runner's high in my life. I've gone beyond the stress and the pain and the frustration I've felt about everything. I just don't care anymore. I've hit a stride where I'm going to just do it. I'm going to close my eyes and jump. I'm going to pay my rent this month and I'm going to start working for commission only. I'm going to believe in myself. Not because I really do believe in myself, but because I've exhausted all my fears. They can't cut any deeper, so I might as well just take a chance and pretend I can do it until I am doing it. If it doesn't work out right away and I need to change my living arraingments then I have to just do it. I don't want to, but I can't deny a great opportunity like this any longer. I just need to throw myself into it until it works.

The other thing going on is Girl with a C and I... well... I don't know WHAT is going on between us. I don't know how to tell what to say or do next. I have plans with some friends tomorrow night, Saturday I'm meeting up with a new girl, and Sunday I'm torn as to what I want to do. There are 2 other girls I need to start seeing again now that I'm a "working man" but I don't know which to see and when. I would like to get things going with a girl I really hit it off with a while back but had to stop seeing due to monitary problems, but I don't know how to swing it. I'd like to meet a couple new ones, but they aren't exactly obvious choices. They are almost what I'm looking for, but just don't have the looks to back it up.

Why did I start chatting it up with an old flame and a bunch of new ones when I like Girl with a C so much? Exactly. I'm afraid of being hurt by a change of heart or lack of interest in the GwaC situation. She's so cool and so pretty that I really would like to make something of our relationship, but I am stumbing around like this is the first time I've found a girl I'd like to date and I know at some point I'll fuck it up. I think that I'm on thin ice with her at all times even though we've had good times together. That's not right. If she'd just say something that even hinted towards us having potential I'd forget about all these other broads... but that hasn't happened, so I guess we'll have to see.

Tonight I was hanging out with a buddy and we were sitting on my balcony. Down the other side of the building were two pretty girls playing a board game on their balcony. They were loud and drinking and having a good time, so of course they drew my looks a couple times... then one goes "hey, want to come play with us?" "uh... YES." So, we went down to their apartment and hung out for the night. What a supprise. Turns out my buddy knew the one girl from college. She's a serious sex freak. I'll leave it at that. The other one was the pretty girl I'd seen from my window so many times and wondered what her deal was. She's just as pretty face to face and seems pretty cool. I don't know if I'd even have a shot, but I think I might do what I can to get in her good graces. My buddy and I are hanging out in town tomorrow night, so we asked them to come along. I made it clear that I'd like to see her at the bar tomorrow night and she sounded like she'd come. If not, at least I kind of know them now so I can talk to them in the halls and maybe, worst case scenario, feel more comfortable with people in my building.

So much is going on and I have so little time to sit here and post. I'd love to tell it all, but this is the best I can do. It's allready 1am and I have to actually be up to shower and get ready for work in a few hours. Then the weekend... which should be very interesting.

My "Friday" Clean Apartment

2006-08-18T18:22:00.000-07:00

OK, this is two weeks in a row my over cautious and optimistic ass has cleaned this dump from top to bottom on a Friday afternoon just in case the girl I'm seeing would like to come back this way.

I am so careful to make sure there isn't anything that can go wrong. The place is spotless. Nothing that would look bad on me is allowed in this apartment on a Friday afternoon.

I started around 3pm. I was nervous as hell and really wanted to get my job search, rent, bills, and everything out of my head so I just started cleaning. I didn't want a chick to make the mistake of coming this way only to realize the second she walks in the door that she's made a horrible mistake. I vaccumed the whole place. I have a piece of shit stand up that does an awful job, so it takes me about 10 times longer than it should to have this place debris free. After I vaccumed I still wasn't happy so I took the hardwood floor cleaner and mopped the whole place. I then straigtened up the furnature, the books on my book shelf, the wires behind my computer, the kitchen, the dining room, took out the garbage, and put some clothes away. I was sweating like an asshole because I also decided I needed to air the place out and had all the windows open. It was a little to hot in here to be cleaning with the windows open, but I know that smell is the longest lasting memory, so I don't fuck around with it. I took a shower, shaved my face, trimmed my pubes and shaved my balls. I had the whole apartment looking great, made my bed up nice, had just the right clothes to wear, and was ready to go out the door. I found out by accident that if I turn on my walk in closet light in my bedroom that my room has a really soft and somewhat "romantic" look to it. The stand up pole lamp is just too bright seeing as my clothes I took back from my folks' place were still in boxes next to my dresser. It just made it too obvious that I really just pushed shit around instead of picking it up. But the CLOSET light just looks awesome. So I opened the closet door and turned on the light, made sure everything looked really nice one last time, and left.

She looked great. Red top with jeans. Looked very "girl next door" hot. We had another really nice dinner together. Everything went really well again, but here I am... home... and I have been for about 40 minutes. I got home at 9pm from another 7pm date. Our first date was the same thing. In at 7, home by 9. I don't know how to read this chick. We really do have a lot to talk about, we have fun, I really enjoy her company and she seems to enjoy mine. But... no signs at all. I don't know if she's just really shy and wants me to be forward or if that's just how she opperates. Well, the best I can do is keep at it. I need to figure something else out. Find a concert or an activity where we're not just having dinner every time. 1. Dinner is expensive. 2. I think I'd like to see how she acts when we're moving around doing things instead of just sitting down at a restaraunt.

I don't have the self image to think everything's great without hearing it, so if she could just say something to me that would clear up if she thinks we have potential or not, It'd really make me feel much better. Of course, I have been trying really hard to play this one Don Juan De La Neuch and keeping myself away from being clingy and fast moving, but it's so hard.

I do have a spotless apartment though... and that's nice.

Double You Tea Eff - how it all went down

2006-08-17T15:54:00.000-07:00

OK, just got back from my 3pm interview. I had to make a few calls, so I'm not FRESH in the door, but I got home around 6.

It was a cluster fuck. I showed up at 2:30pm at the headquarters and did exactly as my instructions said to do. I walked in the front door near the fountain, went up to the second floor via the elevator, walked through the glass double doors, and told the person at the desk that I had a 3PM appointment with the district manager.

That's when it all went down hill.

"You're here for what?"

"To see the district manager. I have a 3pm appointment as was scheduled by XXX headhunters"

"Wait... you're here for what?"

"zomg... "

Well, they had me sign in, made a call to someone, and I sat and waited in the lobby. About an hour later I get in touch with the number I was given to call about the interview and the woman sounds like I just asked her for the meaning of life. She was like, "Uh, WTF are you talking about? I don't even work there. If there is a job fair, then fill out an application... but I have no idea what you're talking about." Turns out I was given the wrong person's number and name. I had to meet with someone ELSE but didn't have HER name.

The stupid headhunters I'm working with call me from a "Private" number, so I've never saved their number in my phone. I just pull up my notepad file with all my important numbers and dial it off there. I'm panicing at this point. I start calling every number that isn't associated with a caller ID in my phone from the last week. Finally, after reaching two or three people I didn't want to talk to and hanging up on them, I get the woman from the headhunter.

"Hi, they have no idea who I am or why I'm here.... HELP!!!!1"

"This is the first problem we've had. Where are you?"

"I went upstairs, through the glass doors, announced myself to the person behind the desk, and they went "WTF?"

"Let me call and figure this out, I'll call you back."

5 minutes later

"Yeah, she's downstairs. Sorry about that. I gave you the wrong name. Sorry about that too."

At this point it's allready almost 4pm. The woman I'm supposed to interview with is obviously frustrated and venting to someone else about how "everyone wants to interview with me. Tell him to just fill out an app."

"Uh, maam... I am Pi... You approved my resume and set an appointment with me for 3pm. I've been upstairs for an hour and a half waiting to meet you. I've filled out an application already. You are familiar with my credentials that you have received from XXX Headhunters... right?"

"Oh, yeah. Sorry about that. Come with me."

Before we even get to the interview room she's pulled aside 3 times. It took us 20 minutes to even get there and she was getting a phone call a minute the whole time we sat together. Allegidly, her stores were being walked by muckidy mucks and everyone was freaking out and calling her.

She seemed to appreciate my patience and aggressive confidence. She pulled another guy in on the interview and said "this is a good thing. You want to be interviewed by both of us."

Well, as it turns out, I really didn't want to be. The district manager was all about my attitude, my passion, my knowledge, and my patience. The guy was like "uh... you don't have enough experience... how about we forget about this management stuff and just make you a salesman?"

"no."

"Well, ok, why do you think you should be a manager? You only have like 9 months of managerial experience and it's not even with a serious company."

That started him and I off on the wrong foot and I had to agressively combat his questioning. I wanted him to understand that the time I spent in management was of the highest quality and that my sales, customer satisfaction, retail owner satisfaction (of my wholesale clients), and my employee satisfaction were all off the charts. If I had a product like theirs instead of the product I had, I would still be there because I'd have made everyone in that company rich.

I still think I did a great job, but that dude might be the cock block I was hoping to avoid. I seriously think he's jealous of the fact I'm trying to get into management with so little experience after it took him 10 years. Fuck him. Whatever.

Well, who knows where I go from here. I don't think I could have been any more passionate, any more of a leader, show any more knowledge, or been a better applicant. It really is going to come down to personality and experience. Unfortunately, it looks like I'm on the low end of the stick on experience, but blew the doors off personality.

I'm going to be nervous until I hear that I didn't get it. This period of hope and potential is such a tease. I will go the rest of the night replaying the interview over and over in my head and eventually think that I got it. Then tomorrow morning I will hear that I did not. Tonight I will be thinking about what it will be like to pay my bills... tomorrow I will be wondering what went wrong.

It feels so good right now that I know I'm going to feel awful tomorrow.

Nervous Rambling

2006-08-17T10:06:00.000-07:00

Well, I have the last interview today. If this doesn't work out then I'm going to bet it all on a long shot and let it ride until I get evicted or am wildly sucessful. If I get evicted, I'm joining the Army. I put my number in to be contacted by a recruiter. I don't wake up very early when I don't have anything to do, so I'm nervous to check my messages. I'm not real excited about the reality that I've come to such a low possibility of sucess and have turned towards a sure thing like the Army. Sometimes you just have to realize that the world doesn't work like we were told. I really don't want to leave my cats and my fish for a couple years, but I think there are worse things... like if I had a family and didn't get to watch my kids grow up. Whatever.

This interview is about as close to a sure thing as I can get. I don't know how I could be better qualified at this point in my life. Sure, if I was 50 and had been working in the industry my whole life then that would make me a better candidate, but at 25, I really couldn't have anything more to offer if I tried. It's going to be 100% dependent on 2 things: 1. If other applicants have more experience 2. personality. I can't control either of those, so I don't know why I'm so fucking nervous, but I can't help it.

The only good news is that I made plans with the girl from last Friday. I haven't thought of what to call her, but I think "Girl with a C" will work. Oh, and no... C doesn't stand for cock. We chatted for a little bit on the phone and it went very well. Nice short conversation with both of us contributing equally. I did not dominate the call... which I tend to do... a lot. I learned a little about her too. When you have sold so much shit over the phones you learn how to pick up on stupid verbal cues. She was asking me what kind of food I like and I told her, "whatever sounds good to you." She replied with, "Well, I'm trying to think... I don't know of all that many 'good' places around here for dinner." I then say, "The food really doesn't bother me. I'm going for the company anyway." She made a happy/flattered noise. I can't even do that noise. It told me that she might be questioning whether or not I'm "into" this as well and is "hoping" that I am. The fact that it caught her off guard meant that she doesn't traditionally expect someone to be "nice" to her. That's a good thing. It means that when I actually DO say something nice that she will appreciate it. Now, I just have to make sure that I drop a little something here or there but don't go far enough that she expects it.

OKay, about halfway that paragraph my grandmother called to see how I was doing. If I don't answer because I'm busy doing something... like blogging... then she reports back to my family that I'm M.I.A. She'd make a horrible officer in the armed forces because she's be sending home a telegraph saying I had fallen in combat every time I had to take a dump. Long story short, I had to answer, and blew about half the time I was going to spend on this post. Now it's time for my battle prep. I need to be ready for war in exactly 1 hour and 15 minutes.

Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death... bla bla bla... let's do this.

LOL eHarmony again

2006-08-16T19:13:00.000-07:00

You know... eHarmony does one thing right... they let me fill in the blanks during the multiple choice (closed ended questions) section of the "getting to know you process." I think the picture speaks for itself.

New Feature! (www.talkr.com)

2006-08-16T09:00:00.000-07:00

That's it... I've had it with these MOTHERFUCKIN snakes on this MOTHERFUCKIN PLANE!

I just typed that out so you had something interesting to hear once you clicked the icon above "Listen to this post."

My blog is officially turned into a podcast if you'd like it to be thanks to Talkr.com. Maybe you don't want to read it yourself? Maybe you'd rather hear a pleasant sounding robot woman read this to you? Well, click on the "Listen to this post" link under every title and you'll get to hear it in MP3 format... download it to you mp3 player, etc.

I broke Talkr... and I want to brag about it. But before I do that, a little promotion...

Talkr is a service that uses a text to spech engine to turn blog posts into audio. Why is that good? Well, sometimes I can't read a post if it's too dark or too annoying a layout or whatever and it would be cool to just get it read back to me by a cpu that doesn't require a line of sight to get it done. It also gives you the ability to go around on a Sunday night and download a whole commute's worth of posts from sites you frequent (if they are on talkr) and load them onto your portable media device for the train/car/bus ride into work. I know there are a few blogs I'd like to keep up with that I would download and listen to. I am poor, so I don't have an mp3 player, but if I did, I think I'd enjoy loading a bunch of stuff and listening. It's almost like talk radio, but it's people you eKnow from the internets.

More technically, when you set up Talkr on your blog, what you are doing is pointing them to you RSS feed. For those of you like me who still use Blogger, you can use a service called FeedBurner to turn your default Atom feed into an RSS Feed which is compatable with Talkr. I think Blogger is actually churning out RSS now, but I didn't feel like messing with it. FeedBurner makes my feed look awesome. It's not like anyone is subscribed to it, but if one day the world opens up and swallows every other writter in the world it would come in handy.

THIS IS IMPORTANT:

If you are like me and can't type two sentences without spelling something incorrectly, don't copy and paste your entries directly from MS Word. For some reason, if you do, it will mess up your feed. Word puts some funky tags around it's posts, so if you do copy and paste from Word, you need to paste it to Notepad first, select it all again, and paste it to Blogger (or whatever service). That way you'll kill the stupid tags, get everything spelt correctly, and still be able to use Talkr.

Talkr is a relatively new service, so the kinks are being worked out as it goes along, but I like it. It's basically a novelty to me, but I don't have an mp3 player, so I just listen to some blogs on my PC instead of reading. For people who really enjoy reading, but would like something to do while commuting or doing whatever, this would be an awesome service.

Patience

2006-08-14T20:19:00.000-07:00

I don't have any. Not one ounce of patience in my body. If I am unsure of something, I must have it cleared up immediately. This doesn't help when you're trying to play it smooth with girls you've just met. In fact, it's probably the opposite of good.

It all goes back to the power struggle involved in the getting to know you process. If you seem to eager or too available then you're going to come off as weak and desperate. If you are too distant then she'll lose interest. You have to find that comfortable medium where you are showing enough interest in her to keep her in the game, but not so much that it's too easy.

Well, I faked patience and I won this time.

I went out with an awesome girl I met off eHarmony on Friday night. The date went perfectly, but it was very short. She is beautiful and funny, so I immediately become awkward and start second guessing how I look. Well, I didn't know how to handle the next call. I really wanted to see her again, and we had a good time, but she didn't give me any sort of indication to the likelyhood of another date.

So what do I do? Do I call her? Well, her phone sucks and she doesn't get reception at her house or the barn where she rides, so it's hard to time a call to her to begin with. I could text her... but how do you pull that one off? When is too soon? What do you do?

Well, I was talking to a friend who basically said "dude, shutup... let it play out" and I did. Tonight I get a text from her saying she had a great time and asking if I'd like to see her again.

Huray!

Anyways, I sent her one back and said I would definately like to see her again and asked when would be a good time to give her a call (because of her phone). She said she'd call me tomorrow.

I'm happy about this one. Let's hope it's got legs.

PS. If you have really shitty reception, you can still text message. If you have ever been someplace where you are going from zero to one bar over and over and your voice is chopping up, try it out, send a text, it works fine.

Emotions: Part Deux [Hope you're happy, Jess]

2006-08-13T16:56:00.000-07:00

OK, first of all, here's the original post: http://3point1four.blogspot.com/2006/08/emotions-to-be-continued-jess.html

When I publish this one, it will probably knock the original off the page, so there's your reference point.

Now, to begin with, I'll explain my motivation for the original post. I started to, but got sidetracked by 120 degree heat the first time, so here goes. I met the city girl on eHarmony (like most of the ladies I've met the past year or so) and when we were talking on the phone for the first time she was talking about how much she "hated" her ex. That was the first red flag that was thrown. If you think about the people you've honestly HATED in your life, they aren't just annoyances, they are affecting something that you love... or... you loved them at some point.

You don't hate the cornball in the office who uses "case of the Mondays" every week. He's just a douche. You DO hate the landlord who raises your rent because he's been getting too many complaints about your children being too loud, forcing you to move your family. Why?

Love and Hate are linked emotions.

There are two ways I picture the whole table of emotions. The first is a circle, like the color wheel in the previous post. Emotions don't have hard, clear lines stopping one and starting the other. I can't remember a single time that I fell in love that I was like "ok, I don't like her anymore as of today, I love her." You slowly transition from one feeling to another. You can enjoy someone's company to begin with and then slowly, as time goes on and you learn more about that person, end up loving them without any clear cut stages. It's not like walking up and down steps, it's like a big smooth slide. It's impossible to define love. People have tried. There is a definition in the dictionary (which I won't quote like a hack), but how significant is a definition when you can't draw boundaries?

For every person, the lines that separate the different "stages" are different. I have a friend that says he knows when he's in love when he would honestly take a bullet for someone. For someone else it's when she pops into his mind when he's really enjoying something. For another person I know, it's when they can't picture what their life would be like without the other person. But what really defines the line between "like and really care about" and "love?"

I don't believe there is a line, and that's why I have the color wheel. When you look at it, you see the standards... red, blue, yellow, etc. The farther back you stand from a color wheel, the easier it is to point and say "at that point it's red, but to the left, that's orange." The problem is when you take a really close look and have to draw a line and say "everything on the left is orange and everything on the right is red with absolutely NO crossover." Is that even possible?

Now, for the second part of this, where do the emotions go on the wheel? Well, the way I see it, love and hate are at the top. They are the two closest emotions. The opposite of being in love/hate with someone is complete indifference, so I put that on the bottom of the circle. On one side of the circle I'd put all the positive feelings toward someone from indifference going to love and I do the same thing on the other side with all the negative feelings.

That is how I picture the emotional spectrum in relation to dating. You normally start out at indifference. A girl walks into the bar and you see her. You are indifferent. You take a closer look when ordering a drink and she's visually what you're looking for, so now you've got a positive interest in her. You introduce yourself. She seems really nice. Now you're curious. You dance with her all night and get her number. You call her up and go out for another date. You get a chance to sit someplace quiet and get to know her a bit and now you're starting to like her. You continue meeting up and as you learn more about her and become more comfortable with her. Now, you're seeing how she works. You really like her views, her morality, her goals in life... they all seem to be perfect. She's wonderful for you and now you care about her deeply. More time goes on and you can't imagine what your life would be like without her. You're in love. The relationship is only getting better and now you have a strong and pure love for this girl. You see yourself spending the rest of your life with her.

You've gone up the positive side from indifference to pure honest love.

Then she starts acting "funny." You can sense something is wrong. You call her and she doesn't answer the phone. She starts blowing off plans and you start becomming suspicious. You start fighting. Things just don't feel like they used to but you don't know why. You go over her place to pick her up on a Friday night and she says "we have to talk." You sit down with her and she admits that she's been cheating on you. You can't believe what you're hearing. How could she? How could she possibly go off and ruin YOUR life as well as HER'S? What a bitch? Cheating, lieing, WHORE! You hate her. You absolutely can't even look at her. You're in a rage. You're screaming at her and even her tears do nothing because all you have in your heart is hate. You smash some stuff and storm out. The only thing you can think of is how you've been tricked by some cunt that has no respect even after all the time and energy you put into this "awesome loving relationship." You go home and cry angry tears. You can't believe you fell for someone who could hurt you so deeply. Some time goes on and you relax a bit. You realize that the awesome loving relationship was only there if you ignored all the small problems that were building up over the time you were dating. Your hatred starts dieing down as you start thinking rationally about the situation. After some time, you don't "hate" her anymore, but hearing her name still makes the hairs stand up on the back of your neck. You REALLY dislike her and would still take pleasure in hearing about her car being stolen, but you're not about to do it yourself. Later, you don't really care about what's going on with her anymore, but you really don't want to have her thrown in your face. You don't like hearing about what she's doing now because it still bothers you a little. When you run into her you immediately go the other way. You still can't stand to think about her in the same room. Eventually, you can say she was a jerk, but that you were better off without her in the long run anyway. You still don't like her, but it's just because she's not the kind of person you want to be around. Finally, you run into her and don't care anymore. You notice her across the room and really could care less. She could be blowing some stranger in the corner and you'd point and laugh with your friends. You meet her new boyfriend and it doesn't bother you. You are 100% indifferent to what she does or does not do.

The other way a relationship could end is just to "peter out." Nothing bad happens, but you just sort of go back down the positive side to a point where you just don't feel any reason to stay with this other person. Instead of typing out another massive paragraph about it, just read the "positive side" paragraph again... backwards.

So, when are you over your ex? This is what I was asking myself when I heard the city girl say "I hate him. He's such an ass and hurt me when I needed him." It immediately made me worried that he was still a part of her life... or that he would be.

"But, Pi... that doesn't make any sense. Why would you have a better chance at getting back together with your ex if you "hate" them?"

This leads into the second way I see the emotional spectrum. You can list every emotion by intensity or passion. Again, we'll start at indifference all the way at the bottom. Indifference is the total lack of passion. There are no feelings one way or the other. You read in the paper that your ex is getting married or died in a horrible car accident... "oh, I knew her." You just have absolutely no feelings for someone whatsoever. From there, you can start going "up" either the positive or negative side of the circle and find matching emotions on both sides. "sort of like" and "sort of dislike" would be paired up one step above indifference and so on until you reached the top with "love" and "hate."

To visualize this a bit, picture this:

Love/Hate
Care deeply for/Care deeply against
Care about/Care about
Really Like/Really Dislike
Like/Dislike
Sort of Like/Sort of Dislike
Indifference

(Holy shit... I need a thesaurus)

The top of that list is the most passion, the bottom is the least. I'm not saying that's everything, that's just a quick "visualization" of what I'm talking about.

Relationships are based on passion. No matter who you are, you want to be with someone you have strong feelings for. Even if it's someone you simply can't stand and every time he comes over drunk at 3am it makes you spitting mad, it's better than being with someone you could give two shits about. When you factor in memories of good times, even if you can't stand someone, you are going to think about it and realize "you still have feelings for" that person. You do, and they are way up on the intensity scale.

It's very easy to mistake one side for the other. They are not so different. That's why I use the "color wheel" plus the "intensity scale" to define what I see as the stages of a relationship. It's really hard to draw the line between "he drives me crazy" and "we have a crazy love." Some people will stay together just because the feel SOMETHING as opposed to nothing. Some people will get BACK together just because they still have all these intense feelings... though negative... and all these positive memories. It really clouds up the decision making process, and I can DEFINATELY see how it is very understandable. That's how you end up with the woman calling 911 because her husbands slapping her around and then as the cops are dragging him out the woman jumps on the cop's back to try and stop them. It's the whacky "intensity is good" feeling people have.

Is it really better to feel something than it is to lack any feelings? I don't know, but after a couple dates, the city girl went back with her douchebag ex who she "hated." I was right in being somewhat wary of her "hatred." I hate being right when it loses me chicks.

You know what the best part was? About 2 weeks later she txt messages me that they are broken up again and that she thinks she's crazy. I had a similar conversation to this post with her. I told her how I felt about "hating" exes. It's really not where you want your new girlfriend to be due to the fact that her having passionate feelings for someone who she has positive history with just makes it too likely that she will go back.

I will have to let this post sit for a while and come back and edit it... I don't like it, I don't think YOU'LL like it, and I don't think I'm clear... but it's all you get for tonight on THIS topic.

The Best DUI arrest ever

2006-08-12T17:20:00.000-07:00

OK, I found this at www.break.com and it's clearly watermarked Big-boys.com, so I have no idea who was the first to post this, but it does apear to be reno 911... anyways, enjoy:

As seen on Break.com

Best Dream Ever

2006-08-10T09:48:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning feeling like the ultimate badass. In fact, I was actually able to fall back into my dream after my alarm went off and continued being the biggest badass ever. It is so rare that you kinda wake up from a dream and then are able to fall back into it... I guess I really wasn't that awake.

Well, this is how it went.

I was hanging out on a street corner when some dude walked by that I could tell was pure evil. He saw me notice him and ran away. I chased him through the streets and caught him behind a liquor store where I beat the fucking shit out of him. Then I held him up by his shirt and said "You aren't the one I'm after... where is he?" He wouldn't talk so I just kept smashing his face in until he finally told me that "he doesn't know, but this person might."

I throw him down and go after this other guy. For some reason, I'm the only one that can tell that these dudes are evil. I can see through them to some connection with a great darkness. I find the second guy just where the first guy told me I would. This guy was in the basement of a club in town. Everyone else was hanging out, dancing, drinking, and not even noticing that this fucking demon man was sitting right there. I sat down next to him at the bar and just told him I knew he too, was evil and that I was going to get what I came for. He threw his drink in my face and ran to the back of the club, out the door, into a manhole, and kept going. I chased him all the way into the sewers and just couldn't catch up with him. I didn't know it, but he was leading me right to where I wanted to go.

Finally I tackle his ass and start brawling with this second evil guy. He's tougher than the first guy, but I still beat his ass. I'm standing over him catching my breath when I hear something behind me. I turn around and it's the devil himself. I look back down at the dude who I just beat to death and say "thanks."

[this could have been the longest dream I've ever had btw.]

The devil and I are standing there looking at each other. He's a huge gargoyle looking demon thing standing on goat legs with big black wings that fill the massive sewer pipe we're standing in. The ceilings were really high... like 20 feet... but he filled the room without even opening his wings.

He says something to me that I can't understand (but dream me could somehow) and then smashes me in the face with a backhand that throws me against the wall.

I get up and say, "Hey, pussy, you know if you want this to go down you can't do it in that form. I know you've been waiting for me a long time. I've been waiting for this too. If you really think you can beat me, do it in human form."

The devil all of a sudden tuns into a huge white guy and we start fighting. It's like a boxing match though, not a street fight. I catch the devil with a serious punch and he staggers. I realized that I could do this, but as we were fighting, other demons started appearing around the room. They were watching, but they were screaming things out and flapping around their huge wings and really being a distraction. I didn't trust them enough to get close even though I knew they wouldn't do anything.

The Devil catches his ballance and just starts beating the ever loving shit out of me. I'm talking really catching me flush with every punch he throws and there was nothing I could do about it. I was starting to lose consciousness when all of a sudden I had a thought.

You've been waiting for this your whole life. They are all counting on you. You can't go down like this.

All of a sudden I had a massive surge of energy, side stepped a punch, and landed the hardest shot of my life right into the devil's stupid face. This time I wouldn't stop. I just kept beating the hell out of him, but now it turned more into a street fight. He threw another punch that I was able to catch, and then I took him to the ground and started just alternating rights and lefts to his face as hard as I could possibly throw them. I could feel the Devil's strength going away because he couldn't stop the punches as well and then he wasn't stopping them at all. Eventually, I realize that I'm going to win for real. I stand up, put my left hand on his chest, and start just smashing him as hard as I can, but now I'm not worried about them being blocked. I just keep throwing the hardest punches I can possibly throw until I hit what SHOULD have been a solid skull and feel it give way.

I killed The Devil himself. I stop throwing punches and just stand over him for a second. I look away for a moment and look back and the corpse is now back in natural devil form. All the demons watching had fallen silent watching him die. I realize for the first time that I'm probably still going to die even though I just did the impossible. I wanted to show that I wasn't scared and that I didn't give a shit what the demons thought, so I grab the Devil by the leg and throw him into the crowd. All the demons cower and start acting scared.

One of the demons who looked different walked out and said "You are the new ruler of Hell." All the other demons bowed down and got on their knees to avoid my rage.

Still out of breath, still in shock, still in battle mode, I turn to him and say "fuck that, I'm not evil. I'm God's greatest weapon and I've been in search of this asshole for a long time. I've done what I wanted to do and I won't be corrupted by any of this 'power'."

The demon then says, "Pi, relax... look at me again." I turn and look and he's all in white with pure white wings, pale skin, and blonde hair. "I'm an angel. I have been sent here to tell you God is pleased with what you have done, and has given you all of Hell as a reward."

"I don't want to go to hell. I want to go to heaven."

"You must. It is God's will."

"But I've been a good man. I've taken out the minions of hell my whole life. I've fought and bled and done everything God has asked of me... why would God want me to suffer now?"

"You don't understand, Pi... Hell is not an evil place. It was just run by the most evil of all the angels. Now that you are in control, you may do with it as you wish."

"Isn't hell full of evil people? I just don't want to. I never wanted to go there..."

"If you don't go, then there will be no order in the heavens. We NEED you to be in control."

"Look, if I'm going to do this, I don't want to be locked in hell"

"You won't be."

"I want to be able to go wherever I please when it comes to the afterlife."

"You have earned that right."

"I will take The Devil's powers, but I will not take his throne."

AND THEN I WAKE UP.

That was the strangest/longest dream I've ever had. I've NEVER had so much of a scene play out in my head. The most has been maybe an activity or two, but never dialogue, changing locations, different activities, plot twists... if I was a half decent writter I'd try to make this into a short film for fuck's sake.

I'm sure 99% of you won't believe I really dreamed this, but fuck you... I did... and I'm just as amazed as you are.

Relativity, The State (and reform) of The American Educational System, Current Media Trends... also cocks

2006-08-07T16:26:00.000-07:00

Well, I watching my own movie on youtube and IE crashed. Dumb on so many levels... Well... I lost this whole post, so you get the short version (YES!).

Everything is relative. Nothing can exist without something to compare it to. You can't have a vacation if you don't work. You can't have fun if you don't suffer a bit. You can't appreciate relaxation without exertion. There would not be hot chicks if there were no ugly ones. At that point, the least hot chicks would be hideous and the best of the best would be hot. You can’t say it’s hot out unless you are comparing it to another time when it was not as hot. It’s just the way the world works.

When I left my last job I was actually pretty excited to have the opportunity to enjoy my liquor cabinet, video games, staying up all night, and sleeping all day. Oh, did I take advantage of it. I was shooting people on xbox live all day and grinding out exp on EQ all night long. I was having such an awesome time. No responsibilities, some money in the bank, unemployment checks about to come in, a “cabinet” full of booze… I had it made.

Fast forward a few months and the booze has run dry, the money’s gone, the games are no longer fun, and I’ve become nocturnal. The comfortable apartment I couldn’t wait to relax in has become a prison.

Now, the only thing I want is to go to bed early, wake up with something to do, and suffer through a day of soulless work.

I was reading my friends’ away messages this morning. Most of them have something up in reference to this being Monday and how much they were frustrated that the weekend was over. I wanted to slap them all with a message like “Yo, if you didn’t have a job to go to during the week you’d have nothing to look forward to on the weekend.” I’m telling you, the difference between Wednesday and Saturday in my life is how many incoming phone calls I get from shitty jobs between the hours of 10 and 3. I don’t have the funds to go out and enjoy myself. I don’t see friends on the weekends. I don’t do anything differently on a Friday then I would on a Tuesday. It’s no fun at all.

Speaking of fun, I do want to talk about what’s important in life and why I believe the educational system needs to be revamped. All I am really concerned with is enjoying myself. That’s it. That’s all I want to do. I want to go out, have a few beers, make out with some drunk bitches, work on my truck, hang out with my buddies, and not concern myself with things that are outside of my control. Unfortunately, not much is WITHIN my control right now, so even the things I used to like to do are gone. The only things I have left are the internet, the power, and my bed. Outside of that, I have no options.

I wish someone had told me growing up that 99% of people will grow up in empty meaningless lives in a constant struggle to figure out why they are here and what they will bring to the world. I was joking with my best friend about this once. I would love to just take a full classroom, say “everyone raise your hand… first one wins” and then take that first lucky student and put them on one side of the room. Then I’d take everyone else and put them on the other. The lesson would go as follows:

See, kids, Danny raised his hand first without even knowing why. He was picked at random among a sea of equals as the one that wins. What did he win? He is the happy one. That’s how this life works. For one reason or another, 1 out of ever 50 people will find a life that they truly enjoy. Everyone else… that is all of you on the other side of the classroom… will lead meaningless, empty, disappointing lives and end up settling for nothing because that’s all that you have.

Sure, a lot of you will get great jobs, have wonderful families, and be very successful, but with every person comes a stack of desires. I am blanking out on who said it, but it’s your “Hierarchy of Needs.” Safety is the most basic. If you don’t have safety then nothing else matters. Once you feel safe (as in roof over your head, food on the table) then you start thinking about other things like sociality, acceptance, respect, fulfillment, all that jive. Unfortunately, it’s like a drug. You can never get enough.

There will be a time in your life when all you want is safety. You will dream of a place to live and a job to pay the bills. Once you have that, you will want more. Now, you’re looking to be social with the people around you… you want to be popular. Then you want this and you want that until you finally have all the things you thought you wanted, but you lack fulfillment. You desperately spend the rest of your life looking for a reason beyond the things you have accumulated that will define who you are and why you were born.

Sorry kids… only Danny ever feels that. Not that you didn’t try. Not that you didn’t deserve it. Not that he worked any harder or deserved it anymore than you did. That’s just how it works. One person will find something that means the world to them and actually have an opportunity to devote their lives to that cause. That could be as big as changing the world or as small as having a nice front lawn.

What Danny found was a combination of opportunity and luck. Every one of you has something… or you will have something… that you really care about. You will have something you believe in that brings you happiness above and beyond the pleasures inside your own little world. What you fail to realize, and I hope I’m making this clear, is that most of you… as in everyone of you over there… will not have the ability to do what you want. Either it’s the wrong time, you don’t have the means, you never happened to find it before it was too late, you didn’t have the skills to get it done… or, like today, you just didn’t think to raise your hand first. It could be THAT random, but the thing that you believe fills you up inside and makes you feel warm and happy to your soul could be lost forever as easily as Danny raising his hand before you did just because he happened to be looking at me when I said “raise your hands.”

This doesn’t mean to give up on all the things that are important to you. This means that you have to be OK with your dreams just being dreams. You have to understand that just because you want to do something doesn’t mean that you will ever get a chance to do it. Not even the simplest and most easily attainable goals are a sure thing. You have to learn to cope with losing everything you ever thought gave you purpose and drive to be the best person you could be and accept the fact that you’re not the only one… you’re the majority.

If you’re looking for a bright shiny ending to this story where you hear how you too could find the happiness you always dreamed of, don’t hold your breath. There is no such happiness available just because you want it. All the people who have been holding your hand and telling you how the world is yours for the taking and all you have to do is be a good person, treat people right, work hard, and pray to your God are lieing to you. That whole “you can do whatever you set your mind to” stuff only goes so far… Even a monkey falls out of a tree sometimes, and you MUST be OK with that and be able to accept less than you first thought was well within reach.

The world is not fair. People don’t get what they deserve. You are not a beautiful and unique snowflake.

So, is that depressing or what? You think so? Anyone… yes.

“Mr. Point14, I think it’s very sad. I don’t want to be depressed my whole life.”

Did I say you were going to be? What I’m saying is don’t think just because you deserve anything that you’re going to get it. Don’t think that because it’s so easy for everyone else that you’ll be able to do it too. Don’t think because you were born and you did your homework that you will wake up one day in your 10,000 square foot mansion on the ocean and wonder how you got so lucky.

Everything in life is a sacrifice, a compromise, a give and take that never ends up exactly how you always dreamed it would be. Sure, you might have the car you always wanted, the dream job, the beautiful wife, the perfect kids, but there will always be something missing because the desire to improve and wring the world out for everything it can possibly give us is what defines us as humans. We are motivated by an emotional greed that will never sleep. It will never stop. It will never let go of your soul.

“But, Mr. P, how can you say that’s not depressing?”

You want a silvery lining to this dark cloud of unfair reality? Well here goes… You need to get yourself used to enjoying the things you have in front of you for what they are. You need to prioritize your life, find out where you fit, and be happy with that. Sure, most of you will not be happy because your emotional greed drives you to find that fulfillment we all dream of, but if you can take things down to the simplest, lowest common denominator and enjoy that, then you can at least go on. I’m talking about happiness. True happiness is not reaching a goal. It’s not winning a prize. It’s not having everything… it’s focusing on the things in your life that you enjoy. It’s not looking down on what you are and wishing you were like Danny. Danny just got lucky. He was in the right place at the right time and found himself doing what he loves in a way that brings him happiness. Maybe for you that’s your garden, your kids, you dog… who knows? Maybe you like to read, so you do all the reading you can and just enjoy it for what it is.

Don’t get caught up in the relativity of your happiness. Like I mentioned in a previous lesson, everything is relative. Sure, you don’t have a lot of money compared to the guy down the block, but you have what you need to go out to the movies every weekend… and you love seeing movies… so who needs what he’s got? What you have brings YOU happiness NOW. Don’t compare, don’t ladder the things you enjoy. I enjoy playing video games… I’m a grown man who will sit down in front of the TV for hours because I LOVE playing video games. Is that socially acceptable? I don’t think it’s unacceptable, but it’s certainly not looked up to. You know what? It’s OK for me. I love my truck. It makes me HAPPY to ride in it. Sure, it’s not a Bentley, but it makes ME happy, so I enjoy it for what it is. Sure, I’m single, 25 years old, and would love to be on a track to a family, but you know what? That isn’t the hand I was dealt. I didn’t raise my hand. I’m with the rest of you. It doesn’t mean I give up on that dream. I don’t think it’s impossible, I’m still a young man, but I’m not going to wallow in sorrow and cry myself to sleep every night because things didn’t work out to my plan. I’m going to do the things that make me feel good and keep doing them until I move on to other things that make me happy.

Also cocks.

Sunday, Day 10

2006-08-06T23:43:00.000-07:00

I have nothing but bad things in my head right now. I don't want any of them documented. I don't have anyone to talk to, so I just keep typing it all up and deleting it. Type it again... delete it... take another angle... delete it.

My family thought I was dead today. They are at the point where if I don't answer my phone after they try to call me twice that they are ready to call the cops to kick in my door. My Father and Grandmother both tried to call yesterday... at 8am, 10am, and 10pm. I wasn't awake for the first two, the third one rang in while I was in the bathroom and didn't realize until today that I missed them. My mother then tried emailing me and telling me how worried she was that "I had done something awful."

I don't know how to reach out to them and say I want help.

I want someone to talk to. My best friend who I love like a brother is out in California and it's just not the same now that he's gone. I used to get like this and just go and crash on his couch until I had said everything I wanted to say. He always agreed. He always could see where I was coming from. He never judged or thought I was crazy. It was the affirmation I would get and the validity I felt for having these emotions that made me feel better. It was screaming out that I want to cut someone's head off and mail it to their mother and having him agree that he DOES feel the same way. It was not wanting to say anything and not saying anything, yet both of knowing exactly what was going on.

Having someone like that in your life is more important than I ever imagined. When I was in high school it was Jack and Little Dawggg. In college it was Cpt. R and later Skin and Double J. At home it was always my best friend. Everyone of them is off living their own lives and doing very well for themselves, but here I am... the codependant ass spouting off on a blog because he has nobody to talk to at 3am... WHO DOES?

I'm feeling so sick to my stomach. I have a headache which is very odd for me... I'm talking 1 headache I can remember my whole life.

I have never wanted to die. I figure that I'll die soon enough just by being a jackass, but I feel like such a coward now because I should be in prison. I should have done what needed to be done and taken the rap like a man. How much worse could things be? It's like someone's telling me "Dude, you're a pussy... see how bad things have become? Would they have been worse if you had just done what you needed to do that day?" Would anything be different? My life would be the same, only instead of owing rent I'd be owing time. I'm in my own prison right now. Sure, I don't have to fight, but you know what? Prison doesn't sound so bad right now... a life of knowing I'm a coward does. It's too late now... I can't go back and take care of unfinished business... that night I would have received 8 to 10 years tops... today it would be life. The way things are going, I'm going to be in my current prison for the next 10 years or so anyway, might as well have been a man about it. If it had been day 11 of that 10 day wait when I found out... if day 10 didn't land on a Sunday...

I didn't apply for that reason. I just wanted one. I have always wanted one. At that point I was old enough, responsible enough, had enough money to buy one, had all the permits lined up on my desk, and I was on my 10th day when the world changed.

If that store was open later on Sundays... if I had walked in there one day sooner... if it had happened one day later... anything... I'd be living the same life in different clothes.

please... someone care about me without obligation. Someone understand. Someone tell me I'm not crazy.... or say that I am... but understand.

I got a text message that was very unique yesterday. It was the only time anyone's ever said something like this to me. I didn't think that messages like this ever got communicated... at least nobody had ever said something like this to me:

"I'm glad you didn't move to Colorado"

Someone is happy I'm here. Sure, he's family, but you know what? Knowing that someone, unprovoked, said something nice to me and really meant it... I don't even know what to say. I've always wondered what everything would look like in my own "it's a Wonderful Life." I feel just like that guy... nothing would be different. I don't even think anyone I've been friends with (besides my best friend) has ever been as close with me as I've been with him/her. Everyone would live the same lives, do the same things, have the same fun... with or without me. My family would be upset, but they are obligated to be upset. I'm part of them. I just don't think there would be a single non-relative who'd even miss me.

I have a lot of things I need to do before I go, so don't plan my funeral just yet, but the only resaon I'm alive is for my own fucking self. I'm here to make myself happy. Eventually, with enough practice, I'll be used to isolation. Once that happens, I can finally get back to the things that matter. My truck, my apartment, my bike, my tats, myself.

Speaking of tats, people look at me all the time like "why the fuck did you get that?" or "what the fuck do you have planned? It sounds stupid." or whatever. You know why? Because there are people and things in my life that mean more to me than what anyone else's eyes see when they are pointed at me. I'll never be beautiful. I might as well make myself look the way I'd like to look. I want to be big, mean, and ugly. I want to lift weights, drink beer, and ride my bike. I can't stop being scary looking. I'm too big and built too powerfully to come off as a teddy bear to anyone no matter how hard I try. I might as well flip this curse into a blessing and find myself a nice year round construction job and be done with it.

If I had it all again I'd change it all.

I spoke with a woman on the phone back when I would put on a suit and harass people all day who was a born again. She told me some story about a man climbing a ladder all his life. When he finally got to the top he realized his ladder was propped against a false wall and fell into despair and suffering. She concluded her little tale with "do you have your ladder on the right wall? Are you propped up against the strength and love of Jesus Christ (our lord and savior)?"

You know what, crazy lady... I don't want your money, but I'll take your little story with me.

I'm not saying I'm a repenting sinner. The absolute opposite actually, I believe I'm a good Catholic boy. I just feel like the life I was raised into has nothing to do with my ongoing sucess. I feel like everything I've done, all the patterns of behavior that have become part of me, the way I talk, the way I look, the way I move, the way I see myself and the world around me, the things I pick up on, and the things I do not... they all are wrong.

I have been back tracking to the last major decision I made that turned out to be a good one. I can't even remember. It wasn't where I picked to go to college... it wasn't deciding TO go to college... it wasn't jobs... it wasn't my major... it wasn't how I behaved in school... it wasn't any of the girls I've dated (seriously)...

I think the last good decision I made was giving up baseball for lacrosse when I was 11. I was an awful baseball player and I got an opportunity to try something new, and did well. After that, everything went to SHIT.

My full rides to any major NFL player factory "school" went out the window with one crushing blow to the back of my left leg which in turn tore everything from my ass down to my toes on my left side. Deciding to go to school anyway and to find a school I could play at... bad decision. Not taking the only ride I had left because "I'm not a city guy." Was stupid. Dating in college was stupid. Staying with that chick after college was stupid. Going across the country to coach for a year was stupid. Playing football in the pros... though I loved it... was stupid (in context... it was football or her... I ended up) giving up football for her... stupid... taking a job at a tiny company that was growing too fast... stupid... taking a job at a huge company as a financial consultant... stupid...

I just want someone to talk to who gets it.

If things don't get better in the next 30 days I'm going to be on a plane. If that plane stops in Texas, California, Chicago, Australia, or Paris Island... it's anyone's guess... but I'm through being alone.

I didn't expect you to read this far. I just needed to talk and talk and talk... sorry.

you know who you are

2006-08-06T18:57:00.000-07:00

i should have killed you when i had the chance.

Everything in its Right Place

2006-08-05T23:18:00.000-07:00

I had no idea what to name this post, but the song I was listening to when I came to blogger was Radiohead - Everything in its Right Place, so there we go... title: stolen.

It does make a bit of sense. If I could take a step away from myself and picture the situations I find myself in as physical blocks... like a big tetris game... I am getting this feeling that things are just about hovering over their right places. Things are going to start falling into the gaps and I'm going to have something real here soon...

but when?

I have a feeling that the girl from the city is still an up in the air thing, but closer to where it belongs. She reached out to me when things didn't work out with her re-ex, so that's a good thing. Not being able to get a response out of her on a Friday or Saturday is not a good thing at all. When you are feeling out the beginnings of a relationship, the last thing you want to be is someone's weekday man. If you find yourself talking/hanging out with a girl only from Sunday to Thursday, then she's not serious about you. She wants the opportunity to find your replacement on the party nights. Even if she's happy with you and only going out to have fun with her friends, if she can't put up a party night for you, then her intentions are not important... she's not that serious. It's officially Sunday now... so I expect to hear something from her today... maybe... who knows?

Maybe she was being nice because she felt bad for making me feel bad about myself, but really had no intention of going back out with me. That's the only exception I've come up with. Like I said below, I'm trying to think of any loophole, any bullshit that might come up before hand so when she says, "yeah, I sent you a text message, and yes, things didn't work out with my ex, BUT..." I want to be ready for whatever comes after the "dot dot dot." Yes. I will be dissapointed if she doesn't want to see me again. No. I'm not really excited about having my teeth kicked in again. No. I don't think it's a sure thing. Yes. I realize I'm setting myself up for another dissapointment... and yes... I am up at 2:30 in the morning thinking about her.

There are other girls on the horizon. I've been chatting with a few lovely ladies since her and am on the verge of meeting one of them (most likely this week), but there is just something about the city girl that makes me want to be around her. I feel like we've allready been through all the ice breaking bullshit and all the getting to know you crap and are ready to start actually going out and having a good time together... at least before she "broke up" with me.

That brings me to another point about her, I talked to her about her ex... I even mentioned it in a post. I told her "I never EVER go back to an ex... it NEVER works. You eventually remember why you broke up with them to begin with and you end up re-hurting yourself." So... did I stick it in my own ass with her? Did I just give her a massive mental roadblock that is making her think I am unattainable now? She did say something like "I don't want you to be upset... well... I think it's too soon for you to be too upset..." before she ended it with me. Then I sent her an email saying that I WAS upset because I really thought we had potential, but that she's gotta do what she's gotta do. I don't know if that hurt my cause or not. I don't even know if there is a cause... WTF is wrong with me? I'm sure I'll catch her at some point and just lay it out in the best way I can that I am still interested in her and would like her to know I'm open to giving it another try.... in the process I'll probably come off weak and desperate and fail again... but at least I'll tie up a loose end.

Another puzzle piece floating around almost where it needs to be is my 'career.' I've pretty much stopped looking for the right fit and started looking for anything that will cover the holes. I have a few solid leads on real careers... and a ton of leads on work that will keep me from being evicted. Working just to get the bills paid without any chance of a steady career coming out of it is feeling more and more right. I don't really care what my friends, family, girls, anyone thinks anymore. I just want to be around my friends, family, girls, anyone more than I'm alone in this apartment. I'd like the supplies it takes to alergy proof this joint so the people I care about can actually come over and chill like normal people. Fuck all that jive... I just want to live here. I just want to have a check ready at the first of the month and put it in the mail without worrying if there is enough in my account to cover it. Once that's done, and all my other bills are paid regularly, then I can start worrying about the things I'd like to do... THAT'S where I want to be. I think I'm getting closer.

Once that massive piece falls into place it will give everything else a solid place to start whatever it is they'd like to do. That means I could actually go to a bar and spend a few bucks... maybe meet a lady or two... work on my truck... have friends over and party... all the stuff that really can't set up camp without something underneath.

So I'm doing everything I've got to do now... every step of the way.

Here's how my little plan should fall into place:

1. Keep a few girls interested
2. Get a mofukkin job
3. Pay bills
4. relax
5. Enjoy myself

Normally, 1 and 2 would be switched, but with a pre paid membership to eHarmony in full affect... it really doesn't cost shit to be "introduced" to a bunch of dames. If I can square this city girl thing away this weekend, then I think the first piece is right where it belongs and I'll be ready to work on 2 through 5.

Australia

2006-08-04T23:49:00.000-07:00

The only ex I've ever truely missed is in Australia. She was up in my town on exchange for a year. I met her at a welcome party and we ended up having a few classes together. After a while I asked her out and we started dating. One of the nicest, coolest chicks I've ever dated. She was beautiful with long curly blonde hair, tall, bright eyes... just beautiful. She was vulnerable and real while being confident and strong. I've never met anyone like her.

That was almost 10 years ago.

Why am I talking about this now? This week I was invited to play a little pickup lacrosse and my gear was still in boxes from when my family moved 5 years ago. I hadn't picked up a stick since college and hadn't used MY OWN gear since high school. So, I had a lot of digging to do.

My father works nights and the rest of my family was gone, so the house was silent, and I had all the time in the world to just sit and sift through boxes looking for the one that held my old sports stuff. The sticks were easy, but the other stuff was packed away in long forgotten boxes in the garage. I started carefully taking out a box, opening it up, and looking to see what was inside. Most were marked "Pi, desk" "Pi, clothes" "Pi, closet" stuff like that. I'm the only kid that hasn't lived at home for any period of time since the family moved, so mine are the only boxes still marked like that.

Every single box knocked the wind out of me. My first varsity letter, my papers from kindergarten, art projects, toys, books, everything was a reminder of back when my life was all potential and bright blue skies. I was just touching, holding, smelling everything. I was enjoying the memories but at the same time I was remembering how happy I was I compared those times to the ones I'm having now. I found a chocolate milk bottle I had filled with perfect little shells when I was a child playing at the beach. I could remember finding each one of them (believe it or not). I saw one that wasn't perfect and remembered why I still put it in the bottle. I remembered how happy I was when I had filled it to the top and how proud I was of the little piece of artwork I had made. I don't remember the last time I was that happy.

Then I opened a box labeled "Pi, old desk and new desk" I don't even remember having a "new desk." After thinking about it, I remembered that at one point my family decided that my room needed an overhaul while I was at school and thrashed my sectional desk and put pieces of it all over the place. They had emptied out the drawers and put them in boxes back THEN. So, that box was the combination of everything I kept in the desk before AND after the desicration of my room.

Inside that box were so many memories. All the pictures I took my senior year of high school and hung up on my walls my first year of college to keep me from being too homesick. My old US Army surplus backpack (that my mom used bolts and wingnuts to repair after I found a way to destroy it) was the first thing I pulled out to bring home with me. The pictures went inside first. Under the pictures were tons of papers, homework assignments, notes I had taken about different things, signs, and all sorts of stupid shit I had saved forever. At the bottom of the box was a cigar box. I shook it, and what was inside didn't sound like cigars. I opened it up, and inside were very neatly kept notes, letters, and a picture. I did not recognise the handwritting and it definately wasn't my own. I carefully opened up one letter and I wasn't a paragraph in before I had to sit down. These were all the letters I had been sent/given by my Australian Girl. I thought they were lost forever. At the bottom of the pile was the only picture we ever took together. She looked so pretty. I looked so happy. I started reading again while sitting on the floor of my parents' garage. I really loved her and she really loved me. A good clean honest love. The kind of love I've been trying to find in my whole "adult" life. I never forgot her. In fact, I emailed her tonight before I wrote this, but I DID forget how much it hurt to see her go. I talked to her all night before her last day at school. I cut 3 classes just to be there with her. None of my teachers or her's cared. Knowing what I know now about teachers, they all knew we were dating and I know they all had a soft spot for us. They let me sit in on classes just to hold her hand. When school was over there was a "going away" dinner for just the sponsors and the exchange students. I couldn't get in, but I waited outside for her to come out and kiss me between presentations. When she left I took everything I had from her, of her, that reminded me of her and put it in that cigar box... because I thought it would help them survive. I never wanted anything about her to go away.

When she got home she called me from Australia. We talked about how much this relationship changed our lives and how one day we'd meet again. About how the distance meant nothing and how we'd always love each other no matter what else we were doing in our lives.

I still remember going back to school the next day after having spent the whole night in tears on the phone with the girl I could not have. I was a zombie and everyone who saw me looked at me like I was the kid who's family died in a fire. We used to hold hands to all the classes we shared. When I walked in alone that day, my teacher looked at me and then turned away and wiped her eyes. Even my teachers hearts were broken FOR me. Everyone who cared about me told me how sorry they were even though they knew that I knew it was stupid to fall in love with someone from the absolute opposite side of the globe. They couldn't tell me when she was there because they saw how happy we were. Sure, it was two stupid high school kids with stupid high school kid love, but I've never had a more honest and genuine love for anyone in my life. What I mean is I loved just being around her. I loved the way she saw the world. I loved the way she saw me. I loved everything about her and all I wanted in return was her company. I didn't even care if we hooked up. All I wanted was to be near her. It wasn't like I had never hooked up before either. I just didn't think about anything but her when she was around. NOTHING.

I've been in touch with her via email ever since she left. Not as often as I should have been, especially recently, but we're both living very busy and complex lives. I've been going to school, dating girls, playing sports, trying to get a career started, and keeping myself busy with all sorts of bullshit that defines the little life I have.

She has a baby. She found out after he was born that her baby boy has 3 half brothers that were born within 2 weeks of one another. Let that sink in a second.... ok... now read that again... get it? I don't even want to elaborate on what a FUCKING SCUMBAG that guy is.

She's been having a rough run of things. It's very hard to hear especially because I have always cared about her and there's NOTHING I can do.

A flight to Sydney from here costs about $1,500 bucks round trip and arrives 2 days after you leave. I want to see her again. I know I'm not thinking clearly because I've been through so much crap, but I did promise her that I'd see her again and I'm no liar. I don't even know what I'm saying... I'd just like to hold her in my arms one more time and remember the time when she was my everything.

Strange Day

2006-08-03T21:54:00.000-07:00

OK, so today was not what I expected. I worked out HARD yesterday so I over slept. When I over sleep as an unemployed person that means I open my eyes at like 3pm. So, I get up, I walk out to the kitchen and then see that one of my fish, who had been sick for a long time, finally fell to his disease. He had been a part of my life for about 5 and a half years.

It took me a while to just sit and think about that one. I know "my goldfish died" is such a horseshit whiny bitch sort of thing to complain about, but it really sucks that he's gone. A lot of memories, a lot of time spent just watching him swim around, and the sense of peace my fish have brought me during tough times. Sure, they just swim around and play with the rocks in the tank, but they've been such a constant through all these turbulent years. I still remember laying on my bed at 3am after just getting done with work and knowing I only had about 2 hours to get back to the office and watching them swim around until I was relaxed enough to forget about my problems and sleep.

Goodbye, my little friend. You were truely loved.

So, the other half of my day was going to be spent cleaning up this dump. I really have let my apartment go to hell recently and need to reorganize, put clothes away, clean dishes, all that shit. I just haven't been in the mood. Then I got this great idea that I'd get a big rug to cover my living room's hardwood floor. Why? Because if you're walking through the living room with a glass of water and a little bit spills on the floor, the tiles that are now wet will swell up, break, and ruin a 2' square of floor which now has to be replaced. about a 10' by 3' section was destroyed this summer just from the heat. It got really hot and I didn't have my AC on... then I hear a quiet crack sound in the distance. I get up to look and half my floor is raised up like a big snake was trying to crawl under the floor. I'm tired of this shit and just want to lay the tiles back down as best I can and cover them with a carpet/rug. I was sizing up the room trying to figure out what size I'd need (can't seem to locate my tape measure) when I realized that rent is due in 2 days. I'm allready behind about 2 months and my landlord is allready on my ass... now here comes month 3. I should have an unemployment check in the mail, which I will send directly to my landlord with another appology for it being short, but I really am feeling like the hatchet is going to come down any day now. I'm considering getting a loan even though I know I won't be able to pay it... it's just that my life's plans revolve around me living here. I'm trying to get a job HERE that gives preference to town citizens. If I move out of town, I can kiss the job goodbye.

As the death of my fish and the rent check being due were sinking in I really felt like shit. I decided I'd go to the store and get some milk so I could make some biscuits. When I came back I realized that my phone had been in my truck ever since I came back from working out. I look and I missed about 20 calls and 1 text message. 15 of the calls were from my aunt who just wanted to ask me how my interviews went this week so far, 1 was from a job I don't want, 1 was from a new job I'm not interested in, 1 was from one of my sisters, and 2 were from jobs that I actually want. Of course, by the time I got these messages it was after 5pm, so I couldn't call them back. I will call them back first thing in the morning.

What was most interesting (job offers don't excite me, they are awesome jobs that I'd love to have, but I don't get excited until I land an offer anymore) was the text message.

After the girl I mentioned in the post "The Worst 15 Minutes in a Long Time" decided to 180 on me, the job I wanted decided that they didn't want me because I'm a man, and I got a call from a lawyer about the money I owe my last job I changed a line on my myspace profile. Yes... I have a myspace... Anyways, I said something along the lines of I'd like to meet people who make sense and behave according to things that I understand. The text message I got was from the city girl asking "was that line on your myspace profile about me?"

It's only been a couple weeks since she heel turned and smashed me in the face with a steel chair for her ex. After our chat, she emailed me to appologize. I told her there was nothing to appologize FOR and that if I still had feelings for an ex and believed in my heart that things would work out then I'd do the same thing, but that when she remembers why she broke up with him to begin with, to give me a call.

I was right, but I didn't expect it to be so soon.

So I reply, "Exclusively? No." That starts a conversation via txt messages for the next 2 hours. I can't stand text messages for more than 1 or2. At the third one, just freaken call. I tell her that she can call if she'd like, but I'm fine with txts. She continues texting me about how sorry she is and how she's been a stupid crazy person and should have known better and bla bla bla.

We never actually spoke.

So, WTF is going on? Obviously, she wouldn't have spoken to me if she didn't have so me interest. I've been trying to think of a situation where I would have done what she did without having any interest in seeing the girl again and couldn't find one that made sense. Maybe she just wanted someone to talk to and nobody was around? That went out the window when I realized she text'd me at 9am and I didn't get back to her until about 6pm. In that time frame she should have had something to say that would have cleared things up if she wanted to clear them up.

Just like football games of yor, when I was sending her messages I was thinking about how they'd sound here to you guys. I was keeping my own advice in mind while talking to her. I wanted to call. I wanted to say that I accepted everything that happened and still want to see her. I wanted to tell her that I still have her on my mind. I wanted to ask her to come out and see me this week so we could hang out. I wanted to tell her that the night I spent laying next to her was the best I've had in 2 years. But what did I do? I just kept answering questions and responding with as little emotion as possible. I did say things like "look, you had to learn the hard way... so did I. I am not mad at you, never was." and "I don't think you're crazy." I don't think I played it 100% Don Juan DeLaNeuch, but I don't think I did it old school Pi either.

If she had called me at any point to appologize and ask if I'd still be cool with seeing her then that would have been the best. I was trying to get her to go that way, but she never called. I could sense she was emotional by what she was saying, so I wasn't going to press for a call. Also, I didn't want her to know that I was pumped to see her again. Sure, I'd LIKE to see her again... but only if things work out that way... and if she asks. Basically, I'm on the other side of my post about how to date more than one girl, and she found that she made a mistake and is trying to get back with the original second choice.

What scares me is that she chose him on the 24th of July and it's only the 3rd of August. What the FUCK could he have done to make her realize that she didn't want to be with him ever again in that time frame? She mentioned something like "he flaunted my stupidity in my face." I think he was trying to rub her nose in the fact that she broke up with him to really break her. I really don't like this guy at all. There's a difference between having a sense of controll over the situation and being a total cock sucker. This guy takes it too far. He's some millionaire broker in the city who thinks his shit don't stink. He just smells like the kind of guy who needs a beating. I'm not the one to give it to him, but he's one of those guys that grew up doing what he wanted even though he didn't deserve it while never feeling the consequences of his actions. Saying something stupid or being in the wrong place at the wrong time and getting a mouth full of fist is what keeps us all centered. I've had my teeth kicked in more than once for different stuff both literally and figuratively. When the consequences are real, you don't fuck around. When they are imaginary and you don't believe in them, you don't care what you do. When you drink and drive and get away with it you don't think anything of doing it again. When you get pulled over and have your life ruined by a DUI you no longer think it's so funny.

That was the last text I got from her. I didn't know what to say or where to go from there. In my heart I wanted to call her up and tell her it's all going to be ok and ask her out for a cup of coffee. My head was saying "play this shit cool, man, don't fuck it up now, she's asking for it." My head won, but I don't think it's going to make it through tomorrow before breaking down and getting back in touch with her.

I bet I have a continuation of this story by the end of this weekend. If not, I won't be supprised, but I think there's a good chance we at least talk through what's going on at some point.

BRACE YOURSELF FOR DISSAPOINTMENT!

I love sweaty chicks

2006-08-02T18:40:00.000-07:00

Call On Me

The video is Eric Pridz - Call On Me. I was just cruising youtube and ran across it again and had to share it. There's just something so sexy about a woman who's working out/just worked out. My favorite girl in this video is the chick in the white top (could be pink, I have no clue... the one with the towel). There's just something cute about her face that makes her look like the most fun.

I've never been able to place why a girl is so sexy after a workout. I still remember going to the gym or meeting up with a girl after a run and just being so turned on by her at that moment. I still enjoy seing a girl in gym clothes playing basketball more than dressed to the 9s ready to go out to a club. I guess that's just the magic of attraction...