It’s nice to finally see an end to this long sad tumultuous story. Brown has previously discussed having grown up in an atmosphere of domestic abuse, and seems cognizant of his role in perpetuating the cycle of abuse. He talked about growing up with an abusive stepfather on Tyra Banks’ talk show in 2007, and has said regarding this latest incident that he wants to “take responsibility for my mistake.”

Domestic violence affects all populations, regardless of gender, race, or income level. One in three African American women will experience abuse in their lifetime, and 28% of the women who die from domestic violence are African American.

This is a serious problem, and public reaction to Chris Brown’s situation has not been, shall we say, very encouraging. Comments on the E! Online story about Brown’s sentencing range from “I STILL LUV U” to “she provoked him no doubt.” Hopefully part of Chris Brown’s community service will include some PSA spots about domestic violence, and not just a long stint picking up trash along the interstate.

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Just ask Alanis Morrisette, caught here in desperate need of some sweat bands while going for a jog in Santa Monica.

Or Owen Wilson, shown here after a game of tennis. But hey, we sell sweat bands in a set of 12 assorted head and wrist sweat bands (36 sweat bands total). Maybe dude just needs to double down.

Instead, follow J. Lo’s lead! Whether or not you’re running a triathlon, it’s indisputable: your best accessory is a beautiful smile. Seen here modeled by J. Lo as she crossed the finish line in Malibu last September.

The conclusion is obvious: yellow striped sweat bands are definitely key!

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What will her real hair look like? I found this paparazzi photo of Tyra Banks ostensibly without makeup or hair extensions, but I have my doubts. Makeup is something you take off and put on every day, but not hair extensions! I think someone misunderstood the difference between “hair extensions” and “styling your hair extensions, or just keeping them back in a ponytail.”

Tyra Banks has made a crushingly successful modeling career out of hair extensions, and there is a lot of buzz about taking her hair natural. According to many beauticians, a weave is the #1 most popular artificial beauty enhancer, for “regular folks” as well as supermodels. It’s difficult to accurately assess the popularity of hair extensions, beyond “really popular.”

The real question of course is whether Tyra is going to go truly natural with her hair, or if this is just a one-day gimmick. She says she’ll premiere her real hair on September 8th, but will she be back to a big ol’ fakety fake weave on September 9th? Is she going to let her hair sing like CCH Pounder, or is she going to straighten and lighten and beat it into submission? (Related reading: “My First Conk” by Malcolm X.)

As goes Tyra, so goes the world? Doubtful – after all, can you really see Britney returning to her natural hair, which must be all of about two inches long now?

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According to Reggie, a month later in April he’d had enough of her, and even removed her from his cell phone’s address book. (Which as we all know is the true kiss of death in the year 2009.) A month after that, in May, Reggie Miller claims that Ali contacted him and asked why Reggie had frozen her out.

The next day, Ali Kay’s fiancée discovered that she had phoned Reggie Miller, and all hell broke loose. Ali Kay is engaged to Alex von Furstenburg, the son of fashion designer Diane von Furstenburg. (Ali and Alex were engaged in February, a month before Ali met Reggie Miller.)

Alex has two things:

1. About a million billion dollars.
2. The anger management skills of a toddler.

Once Alex (who is, like Paris Hilton, famous only for being rich) learned that his fiancee’ had contacted Reggie Miller, Alex lost his ****. He sent private investigators after Miller, harassed Miller’s friends, and escalating the situation to the point where Reggie Miller had to prepare a restraining order against von Furstenburg.

The drama really went over the top last weekend. Alex hired a small plane to fly over southern California’s beaches towing a banner that read “Reggie Miller Stop Pursuing Married Women.”

Reggie Miller, I assume, is fairly used to dealing with crazy people. That’s the kind of thing that happens when you’re famous. But I can’t help but wonder why the beautiful, successful Ali Kay is still hanging onto Alex, after seeing him fly off the handle like this.

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That being said – it was a pole, and she was dancing, and is that really appropriate? I’ll leave that question up to you. Watch the video and see what you think:

Honestly, I think the pole dancing was hardly the skankiest part of Miley’s performance. Those short shorts, for one thing. I mean… yikes. Some of her dance moves were similarly “yikes.” Remember, folks, that Miley is significantly under the age of consent. Not that you’d know it from her catwalk strut.

(Personally, I thought the song itself was the most eye-roll-worthy part. Here we have Miley Cyrus, daughter of Country music mega-star Billy Ray Cyrus, singing about how strange it is to move from your little home town in Tennessee to big sparkling shiny Hollywood, where you feel upstaged and out of place. Are you kidding me? Miley Cyrus was practically BORN in Hollywood. It’s like Paris Hilton singing about how hard it is to be poor.)

The entire time I was watching Hannah Montana Gone Wild clip, all I could think of was Adele Givens’ poetry slam bit, “It ain’t that damn cute, Ree Ree.” (I guess the entire bit is called “Loan.”) Absolute genius!

If anyone needs Adele Givens to give her a spelling test and set her straight, it’s Miley Cyrus.

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Michelle is said to particularly have approved of the onion rings, and several of the restaurant’s Obama Burgers were served as well. The Obama Burger comes with (blue) cheese, (red) onion, and (white) horseradish mayo. Oh, and smoked bacon.

Man, it makes me hungry just typing that out.

I want to point out two awesome things about this story:

1. Michelle Obama isn’t afraid to eat real food out in public. Unlike a lot of public figures, Michelle eats real food and she’s not ashamed of it. Such a refreshing contrast to so many “oh I couldn’t possibly eat a whole carrot” celebrities who have bought into the anorexic culture propagated by Hollywood.
And you know what? Michelle looks damned good. A lot better than Madonna, that’s for sure.

2. I’ve been racking my brains, but I can’t remember a single time when George W left the confines of the White House. Certainly not to just take the kids out for burgers. (Like a regular human being.) It’s so refreshing to have a family in the White House that doesn’t hide behind the couches, living in a state of siege, acting like us regular people are the enemy or something. I mean, when he wasn’t “clearing brush” at his ranch in Texas for months at a time.

The Obamas LIKE going out to dinner. They LIKE talking to people. They LIKE getting out of the house and having a regular dinner, like regular people. It’s sad how mind-blowing this is.

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Last week, Jessica used the phrase “Indian giver” in an interview with TMZ, and all hell broke loose. Now I agree that many people do not understand the meaning behind “Indian giver.” And I forgive people for using it in conversation. I doubt anyone uses the phrase “Indian giver” as an intentional slur against Native Americans.

Her use of the phrase is one thing. After all, we’re talking about a woman who was confounded by the fact that the label on her can of tuna said “Chicken of the Sea.” Who once asked Pamela Anderson to clarify a Baywatch question about which she was unclear:

How did you guys run so slowly in the show’s opening scene? You know, where you’re running down the beach?

So the fact that Jessica Simpson used a hurtful, ignorant phrase should come as no surprise. What DOES come as a surprise is that she hasn’t apologized, despite coming under fire from several quarters, including the National Congress of American Indians.

Seriously, how hard would it be to say “I’m sorry”?

Adding insult to injury, Simpson defended her use of the phrase by snapping, “I am Indian, all right?” Which is a baffling attempt to reclaim the phrase “Indian giver,” considering that Jessica Simpson is not, in fact, Native American.

To which I can only golf clap.

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I saw a picture of Madonna’s freak arms a few weeks ago, but someone said it was “totally Photoshopped,” so I assumed they were right, and I went on with my life. But this, the second picture of freak arms – and from TMZ, which is reasonably good about weeding out the Photoshop fakes – just stopped me in my tracks.

There are so many questions to ask. “Why?” is the first, and has the most obvious answer. Madonna is 51 years old, and makes her living in an industry that glorifies youth and vitality and beauty, so it’s natural to get fit, right? But this… this is not fit. I don’t know what this is. Kylie Minogue (who has followed loosely the same career arc/swoop as Madonna) is fit.

And HOLY COW did you see Tina Turner pounding out “Proud Mary” with Beyonce at the 2008 Grammys? Tina Turner is INCREDIBLE.

Tina Turner is fit. Madonna is… something else.

I did some research and found that Madonna published her diet in US Magazine last year. She eats 700 calories a day, and works out twice a day. If that’s not an eating disorder, I don’t know what is! Madonna is on tour now, which means she’s working harder, and probably eating less.

The irony of eating disorders is that superficially, they stem from a desire to be beautiful. And yet, the results are anything but. Is anyone going to be surprised when Madonna drops dead of a heart attack or organ failure? You heard it here first, folks!

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The sale is sparked by 50 Cent’s frustration with the two hour commute to Long Island, where his son Marquise currently lives with his mother, 50 Cent’s ex-girlfriend Shaniqua Tompkins. But surely the man identified by Forbes as the world’s second richest rap artist in 2007 could find a better solution to this problem than trying to dump his mansion on a buyer’s market? Let’s face it; this is not the best economic climate to be trying to sell a giant mansion.

Last December 50 told an interviewer that he has been personally suffered financial problems thanks to the recession, having lost “several million dollars” on the stock market. 50 has announced that he wants to buy a smaller (that’s a relative term, “smaller”) home in New York. It sounds like, in addition to saving time on his commute, 50 Cent is trying to take the sensible step of downsizing his holdings, in order to live within his means.

Hey, you don’t get to be the world’s second richest rap star by being financially irresponsible!