Three Tons Of Code

How it all started

info@3tonsofcode.com — Tue, 25 Nov 2014 09:31:00 +0300

"IE6 Compatible"

info@3tonsofcode.com — Mon, 07 Jul 2014 10:16:00 +0300

Episode 6: The devil is in the details

info@3tonsofcode.com — Sat, 10 Aug 2013 14:11:00 +0300

It's 9;00 AM and Zach has not even sat at his desk yet, when an urgent call comes in from Mr. SlowerThanA SnailOnTranquilizers, head of the Protocol department of a large organization for which Zach had in the past completed the analysis and the implementation of fully computerized procedures on behalf on ThreeTonsOfCode Ltd. Until then, things were done by spitting on fingers in order to turn pages and writing on sheets of paper with pencils (except if there was no pencil around, in which case everything would come to a halt).

SST: Good morning. May I speak with Mr. WontDoIt?

ZWD: (Terrified) Speaking.

SST: I'm calling to inform you that we are facing a MAJOR problem regarding the application you have deployed on our premises and it would be CRUCIAL for us to meet in order to determine its cause and solve it as soon as possible.

ZWD: (Surprised, since the product had been tested very thoroughly so that MAJOR problems would be already known, if any) Sir, could you give me more information on the nature of the problem? Is it some bug that is interfering with your daily work?

SST: I think it would be better to have a talk in person, so you should come over here. It's extremely difficult to have such a conversation over the phone.

ZWD: Agreed, but I should have some more information before...

SST: (In a demanding tone) Please listen, Mr. WontDoIt. My time is EXTREMELY limited. We would like you to be here ASAP so that the problem is solved. Best would be in half an hour.

ZWD: (Fearing something REALLY BIG has escaped his attention) I'll be there in half an hour.

(After half an hour, four tickets for speeding, violating a red light, crossing trouble lines and having a tasteless car colour, Zach enters the Protocol department panting and sweating, and comes face to face with Mr. SlowerThanA SnailOnTranquilizers, who is sitting at his desk sipping his coffee and reading his newspaper).

ZWD: Good morning, I hope I'm not late, I...

SST: (Without taking his eyes off the paper) Oh, you're already here. Listen, go have a coffee downstairs, I'm BUSY right now. We'll talk in an hour or so.

ZWD: But...you...

SST: (In an imperative tone) We'll meet here in ONE HOUR.

ZWD: (Suddenly having a feeling that he's being paying for some BIG mistake he'd done in his life) ...of course.

(After one hour, 3 cups of coffee, reading zodiac sign predictions on his mobile phone and taking part in each online lottery one could think of - and losing in each and every one - Zach goes once again to the Protocol department, gathering any calmness he has left).

SST: Ah, welcome. (Folds newspaper carefully) Have a seat.

ZWD: (Impatiently) Regarding the problem....

SST: Just a moment. First things first. To address the problem, I have organized a meeting with the people responsible.

(Door opens, about 10 people come in)

ZWD: (Puzzled expression)

SST: This is Mr. IKnowAlotOfPeople AndNothingElse, head of our technical department. This is Mr. WhateverBreaks WeBuyANewOne, head of supplies. Mrs. Desperate LonelyForEver, PR Manager. Mr. DontTalk IWillFormatYourDrive, System Administrator. And John, John, John, John, and John, our programmers.

ZWD: (Puzzled-er expression, fear that something has gone VERY wrong). Er, nice meeting you.

SST: As you understand, we are following official procedures. Mrs. LonelyForEver, please start taking notes.

(Mrs. LonelyForEver applies a new, super-ultra-modern method of recording meeting minutes: Produces a piece of paper, takes a pencil and a sharpener, sharpens pencil, blows shavings away, takes battle stations).

ZWD: (Trying to hold himself) ...I'm listening.

SST: Mr. AndNothingElse sent an official memo in 10 printed and signed copies some days ago, where he protested that a malfunction was making the system slow and prevented users from completing their work.

ZWD: And what kind of malfunction would that be?

ΝΙΚ1: (Stands up, gets his things) My work time is over. Have a good afternoon.

ZWD: But...

SST: (Aggresively) Mr. John takes some hours off each day since an injury on his left foot's pinky that he had six months ago demands intense medical treatment and so he has to leave. Have a good afternoon, John. Don't forget to fill up the allowance form for breeding domestic goldfishes. It would be a shame to lose the money.

ZWD: ...

SST: (Cat killer in heat look). As I was saying, there is an issue. Mr. AndNothingElse will update you himself.

ANE: (Taking the serious expression the situation demands, shuffling his papers) Users have reported that the "Submit" button's caption in the data entry screen should have a capital S, as well as than it would be good to have the button moved a bit to the right and make it green.

ZWD: (Face similar to what Japan's Prime Minister would look like if he was asked to play Al Bundy in Married with Children) I BEG YOUR PARDON?

SST: As Mr. AndNothingElse mentioned, there is a problem with the submit button.

ZWD: Is THIS the reason we're having this meeting?

SST: (Look that can make an enraged cangaroo with a toothache turn to stone) OF COURSE.

ZWD: ... (thinks: When in Rome, do as Romans do...) I see. It's possible that there's no capital "S" in "Submit" because YOU HAD SPECIFICALLY ASKED FOR ALL LOWERCASE ON ALL BUTTON CAPTIONS.

ANE: Yes, but that doesn't imply that the first letter of each word should NOT be a capital one.

ZWD: (Trying to keep his hands off Mr. AndNothingElse's neck) Okay....

SST: We also propose that the button's color should become green and that the button be moved to the right by exactly two pixels.

ZWD: (Calmly outraged) Can be done. But please explain something. What's the effect of a non-green, two-pixels-to-the-left button on user productivity and data entry completion?

ANE: Often users get confused and click the Cancel button instead of the Submit button after filling up a form. That's why we need it to be green and have some distance from the Cancel button. Imagine that after 8 hours of data entry...

ZWD: 8 HOURS? But the form has just 6 fields!

SST: (Angrily) Mr. WontDoIt, this is a COMPLEX process which we don't have the time to go through right now!

ZWD: ...

ANE: As I was saying, these are the reasons we should make this EXTREMELY important modification.

ZWD: (Thinking: When in Rome, do as...) Very well. It will be implemented as you need.

SST: NATURALLY you will provide us with an implementation and deployment timeframe. In print and signed.

ZWD: (Thinking: When in Rome...) Naturally.

SST: And, of course, we will be in DAILY contact regarding the implementation's progress. You will be talking with John, who is responsible for the ProtocolNumbers database table.

ZWD: (If I find out WHO thought of this Rome thing...) ...of course. We will be in const...COME AGAIN?

SST: John is responsible for the ProtocolNumbers table.

ZWD: The application has 6 tables. You mean that...

SST: Exactly. John over here is responsible for the ProtocolNumbers table, John over there for the BProtInfo table, John in the back for the lookup tables...

ZWD: ONE person per table?

SST: (Looking surprised) OF COURSE! John, the one who left early, is also responsible for XML.

ZWD: (Thinking: For which tag in particular?) I see.

SST: I think we're done here. Have a good day, Mr. WontDoIt. We are looking forward to hearing from you.

ZWD: One last question: What time of the day can I talk with John the ProtocolNumbers table expert?

SST: Strictly 11.30 to 11.45 in the morning, because he is busy evaluating screen cleaning material during the rest of the day.

ZWD: Good day, gentlemen.

What happened next is that Zach had no alternative than to actually modify the application, making the "Submit" button green, moving it a bit to the right and changing the caption so that the "S" was a capital one. Zach got another call from Mr. SlowerThanA SnailOnTranquilizers, who asked for a printout of all possible shades of green. He needed to choose a new variation with a a capital S, a different tone of green and rounded edges (but only the top ones), since he believed that the current design could mislead users and make them click the button when they shouldn't click the button. There was the usual 3-hour meeting, which John the programmer (what do you mean which one?) left early again because of his condition. Mr. SnailOnTranquilizers asked for an additional meeting in which they would decide on whether form fields should have a larger height as well as whether labels should end with a colon or not. Modifications along with meetings cost the company about $5000. During development, which Zach took special care to extend to a 3-month period, no use of the application was permitted and everything froze. Zach got a raise. Mr. SnailOnTranquilizers was let go and replaced with Mr. IKnowMorePeople ThanYouDo, who asked for a TOTAL reconstruction of the application so that it could also support red "CANCEL" buttons. Zach has been living exclusively on pills ever since and is thinking of taking a few weeks' vacation in a war zone somewhere, just for a change.

Cultural Differences

info@3tonsofcode.com — Fri, 09 Aug 2013 23:03:00 +0300

IN EVERY CIVILIZED COMPANY IN EVERY CIVILIZED COUNTRY

Dear Client,

what you are asking can be done:

1. In a very short period of time.
2. For a very low price.
3. With very high quality.

Please choose two.

Sincerely,
the Developer.

IN YOUR COMPANY

Dear Developer,

what I'm asking for MUST be done:

1. Tomorrow (at the latest).
2. For a price close to free.
3. What is "quality"?

Sincerely,
the Client.

A Project Manager's Deepest Thoughts

info@3tonsofcode.com — Thu, 08 Aug 2013 22:00:00 +0300

I think not, therefore I am.
I am, therefore others think for me.
Others think for me, therefore I push.
I push, therefore projects get finished earlier.
Projects get finished earlier, therefore I get a bonus.
I get a bonus, therefore I quit and go to another company before the current one finds out nothing is working as it should.

If you push the developer too much, he may have a stroke.
If the boss pushes you, the project manager, too much, you may have a stroke yourself.
If the boss has a stroke, then probably nobody pushed anybody.
The definition of success if very unclear.

Do not leave that till tomorrow which you can assign to the developer today.

Good project managers go to work. Bad project managers go to upper management.

Two deadlines a day make quality go away.

He who hath two spreadsheets, let him assign one to his colleague.

One day my new laptop started having some problems, and I took it to service. I had only installed Word and Excel. After having a quick look at the computer, the employee asked me: "You're a project manager, aren't you?"
Of course I am, man. What else could I be? Didn't you notice I was holding a Blackberry?
As expected, I gave him a deadline for fixing my laptop.

If I had 100 developers under me, I would be the ultimate project manager. The boss would come and say" I want a CRM application until the end of the week" and I would respond with self-confidence: "No problem, I've got 100 developers".
Of course, if a couple of them got sick that would delay us for an hour or two, but that's how these things work.

It's good to be a project manager. I especially like the "manager" part. I haven't yet figured out what "project" stands for.

One of the perks of being a project manager is that nobody wants to know what you're doing when you're looking intensively at an Excel file. Not even your boss.

I strongly believe that the Chaos Theory is not just theory.

I have two projects on one hand and three project on the other. What do I have? A five-fold annual bonus.

Developers annoy me when they ask for unbelievable technical details. Isn't any one of them capable to understand what we want and just make it? Yesterday, a developer asked me about the "platform" we were going to use. I told him I have never worked on the docks. How low can these people get?

Episode 5: The magic of simplicity

info@3tonsofcode.com — Sun, 04 Aug 2013 23:26:00 +0300

Zach has just accepted an installation CD for a new application, which he has to evaluate in order to determine whether the company can propose it as a solution to clients. The application is minimally titled "Available Resource Accumulation and Non-Categorized Semi-Structured Information Processing with Inverse Search Term Roaming v.33.0" (or ARANCSSIPISTR for short). Since the title wouldn't fit on the CD, it came on a separate label. The application has been developed by UberUnrivaledProgrammers Ltd., a company which currently works closely with Zach's company, ThreeTonsOfCode Ltd.

ZWD: (Thinking) This doesn't look good. No, it doesn't look good at all. Let's see...

Shoves the CD into the drive, click, click, click, autorun, install, ok...

ZWD: (Thinking) Er, this seems to be working. The title might be a bit confusing. Let's enter some data.

Click click click click...

ZWD: (Thinking) It worked, phew. But I think I've got something wrong. Let's go back and correct it...

BLEEP!

ZWD: (Thinking) What the....I'll just click Cancel.

BLEEP!

ZWD: (Thinking) This means that a double negative is a positive, so a negative to a positive is a negative...er, better start from the beginning. I deactivated cancelling the function, so I essentially activated the function. But when I deactivated the deactivation, then I activated the cancellation....BRRRFLLGURRRGLL. Well, I think it's better to try again.

Click, click, click...

BLEEP!

ZWD: (Thinking) What did I do? And what can't I do? Why doesn't it tell me what I did? WHY?

Click click click click...

BLEEP!

ZWD: (Thinking) MAY HAVE???

Lets go of the keyboard and grabs the phone. Calls ThreeTonsOfCode's secretary, Ms. Disturbed MakeSenseNot, or Disty for short

ZWD: Disty, could you please call whoever is responsible for...er, leave it, anybody from UberUnrivaledProgrammers Ltd?

(waits)

ZWD: Yes, good day, who am I speaking to?

TMD: This is Theoreticalist MultiDegree, I'm the chief developer. What can I do for you Mr. WontDoIt?

ZWD: (Thinking: Of course...) Mr. MultiDegree, i'd like you to clarify some things for me regarding your ARANCSSIPISTR software, because the messages I've been getting after performing some actions are slightly incomprehensible.

(Tells him what messages he got so far)

TMD: It all sounds pretty natural. I don't see where the problem is.

ZWD: (Scratches his head awkwardly). Mr. MultiDegree, I can't understand what the messages mean. I need a boolean algebra calculator for some of them. For example, when I cancel...

TMD: Listen. It's really simple. Deactivating a function's cancellation is essentially not activating the ability to deactivate the function. This means that when you activate cancellation deactivation you strip the user's ability to cancel the function, and vice versa. Not complicated at all.

ZWD: (Takes a mental note to urgently go take an IQ test) It's not? How about the "You cannot" message?

TMD: Listen. It's really simple. Since the actions that may not be allowed are many and the relevant messages could prove to be very complex, we decided to provide a more generic message so users wouldn't get confused.

ZWD: (Takes a mental note to not take a mental note on taking an IQ test) That's very wise of you. But why "MAY HAVE been deleted"?

TMD: Listen. It's really simple. We all know the problems distributed computing systems are facing. We didn't want to make users committed to the idea that the data they selected for deletion were 100% surely deleted since something is very possible to go wrong in the process of communicating with other systems. We provide users the opportunity to check what exactly has happened themselves. On the...

ZWD: Mr. MultiDegree, your application is actually just a couple of forms. It's not even a client-server application! Why are you talking about distributed systems?

TMD: This is EXACTLY my point. Listen. It's really simple. As a company, we are fearlessly facing the future. We have designed the application in such a way that it's ready to be converted to a multi-user distributed system!

ZWD: (Thinking: Do I really deserve this?) Er, obviously only at the message level, since nothing else...

TMD: OF COURSE only regarding messages to the users. Technologies change all the time, we wouldn't take the risk of investing on an infrastructure we would have to throw away later. It's the most efficient technical decision possible. It's really simple. Listen.

ZWD: By the way, what's the size of your company's development team?

TMD: Ah, this is our strength. We have the best minds in the industry. I personally have got a PhD from the YouDontKnowAnyShit University of Urugandabale, and there's a team of eight associates with post-graduate titles, coming from the best universities in the world. For example, our lead architect. Mr. WhateverGives Bulldozer has made various publications about the primitive information networks of medieval baboons in the Zabraskawaditshisk ancient community. Our infrastructure designer has a PhD from the ThreeLittleBirdsSinging University of Paradorblinade...blah, blah,blah....our methodology adaptation expert...blah, blah, blah....our head standardized models designer blah blah blah...

ZWD: This is impressive. But WHO actually writes the code?

TMD: Listen. It's really simple. With all this high level design and analysis, code doesn't really need to be written. We have hired a 20-year-old graduate ot the Teleconferecing Administrative Informatics Department of the YouComeAnIdiotYouGraduateAnIdiot private school to write the standard code we need. Part time, of course. It's really simple. Do you listen?

ZWD:Haven't you had other reports regarding your applications' usability?

TMD: Whad do you mean? Our applications are totally usable. We can use them just fine. Simple. It is. Really. Listen.

ZWD: But what about your clients?

TMD: Listen. Simple. You know how the system works. Our clients NEVER come to us on their own, they are introduced via references. Most of them don't even know how to turn their computer on. So we install the software, and then we send a consultant at their place to do the initial data entry. Afterwards, we mostly do phone support.

ZWD: Meaning?

TMD: They call us on the phone and we send a consultant back to their company. Listen? Easy.

ZWD: (On the verge of a heart attack) and what does your consultant do there?

TMD: He submits the data they need, prints the forms and leaves the printouts on their desks. Everybody's happy.

ZWD: One last question. What's your pricing model?

TMD: $18,000 per user license. Simple.

ZWD: User license? But the application does not support multiple users.

TMD: Listen. It's really simple. If the client wants two users, we install two copies of the application and we send two consultants, each doing half of the data entry. If one employee wants to see data his copy of the application doesn't have, they just switch consultants. It's a revolutionary system. Tested and proven in the largest universities of...

ZWD: Have a good day, Mr. MultiDegree.

(click)

________________________________________

From: zach@3tonsofcode.com

Sent: Monday, August 3, 2013 09:00 AM

To: SelfProc LaimedGenius [mailto:allbow2me@3tonsofcode.com]

Subject: ARANCSSIPISTR evaluation

Selfy,

Listen. It's really simple. Evaluation of the application MAY have been completed and I am in the process of sending you the results, unless a cancellation deactivation process prevents the email from being sent. There is an issue with the application's usability that cancels deactivating non-cancelling the activated functions the users use. What has to be decided here is how useful this specific application is, something which may be answered by our consultants at your place. If you don't want to read the whole message, turn on your multiuser mode and send the first half to our project manager, KnowAll WantItYesterday. Then, call the consultants and let them concatenate the answers. Have you got an Urugandabale University degree? If not, you can't. It's simple. Cancel cancellation of the deactivation. And drop this software and USE A SPREADSHEET INSTEAD.

Zach

Stick this on your client's forehead

info@3tonsofcode.com — Fri, 02 Aug 2013 18:47:00 +0300

Presentation Software: The Official Definition

info@3tonsofcode.com — Tue, 30 Jul 2013 20:46:00 +0300

I was once asked to provide an "official" definition (by 3TonsOfCode, of course) for Presentation Software (the king of the kind being Powerpoint* but let's not limit ourselves), so here it is. Not one, but THREE different Official Definitions. Choose the most appropriate for your own personal drama and use it accordingly.

1. Incompetent Speaker Facilitation Sofware. Speakers - regardless of age, experience, gender or degree of mental stability - can deliver their presentations in front of the most demanding audiences, even when having a lobotomized-cockroach-level IQ. The only thing they usually have to do is read the bullets in a loud voice, until the audience dies from boredom or until they're out of slides. In the latter case, usually NOBODY has any courage left to ask questions, allowing the speaker to gloat like a sunbathing stoned sardine.

2. The Perfect Tool for Designing Applications. Not wireframes, the APPLICATIONS themselves. Yes. However strange it may sound, many people design full-fledged application screens with a presentation app, even complete with animations showcasing how features will actually work. Applications designed this way always appear to be functioning perfectly, exciting the customers and making developers weep, despair, grow green carrots on their armpits and develop suicidal tendencies. OF COURSE things may be slightly different when the application gets actually developed, but who cares about the real world anyway?

3. A Tool for Punishing and Torturing Employees. According to modern trends, telling an employee to "have a presentation for XXXX until tomorrow" (where XXXX is the first most ugly, annoying, difficult and impossible to implement thing that comes to mind) is considered way more humiliating and disgusting than yelling, spitting, throwing valuable office equipment at or even firing the employee. Such an assignment usually leads to hysterical outbreaks, nausea, CD-size skin rashes, purple-colored foreheads (from banging heads on walls, desks and similar horizontal or vertical surfaces) and an urge to redefine one's job description to something that will usually include shovels, bricks, ladders, a lot of sweat and nothing much to think about.

*Powerpoint is a registered trademark of Microsoft Corporation. No Powerpoint users were harmed during writing these definitions. If you are using an alternative to Powerpoint, stop thinking that you're special. You're just doing what everybody else does, just under a different brand name and this doesn't exclude YOU from falling into one of the above definitions. Now go add one more slide, since you've only got 367 for tomorrow's presentation. Poor thing.

Never, never do that

info@3tonsofcode.com — Mon, 29 Jul 2013 17:02:00 +0300

Episode 4: Early in the morning

info@3tonsofcode.com — Sun, 28 Jul 2013 17:01:00 +0300

Zach WontDoIt bumps into his boss, Mr. BigPromisey FatMoney, CEO, ThreeTonsOfCode Ltd. at the entrance of the company's office building.

ZWD: Good morning boss, sorry for being late today, I overslept a bit.

BPF: Good morning Zach. No problem, this could happen to anybody. Is everything ok today?

ZWD: Er, boss, truth is I have a problem.

Beep

BPF: What's the problem, Zach?

ZWD: Well, I need a small raise, because inflation, the European Union, Edward Snowden, the Ozone Layer, the...

BPF: Ok Zach, tell me what you need. In fact, don't. I agree in advance. Your work is valuable to us and you should get the money you deserve for it anyway.

Beep

ZWD: But boss, I need a 35% raise...

BPF: Done. You'll get it starting this month. No, now that I think of it you'll get the money for the whole year in advance. I like to keep you happy. Anything else?

ZWD: No, nothing for today, boss.

Beep Beep

BPF: Ok. Do you have something urgent to do today?

ZWD: No, boss. Everything has been completed on time. We met all deadlines and released our products bug-free. Of course this was made possible thanks to KnowAll WantItYesterday, our project manager, and SelfProc LaimedGenius, our chief developer. We work perfectly together.

Beep Beep Beep

BPF: And of course thanks to you, Zach. Don't underestimate yourself. You are the one who really gets things moving. We are proud of you.

ZWD: Boss...

BPF: Don't say a thing. It's exactly as I say. On a side note, I happened to talk to this annoying client of ours, Mr. Irrelev AntClueless, and I personally told him that if he doesn't respect your opinion he should look for consultants elsewhere.

Beep Beep Beep

ZWD: Boss, do you hear this?

BPF: No, I don't hear anything. What was I saying? Oh, I told him that his behaviour towards you was unacceptable. We can find 10 clients like him, we don't need him.

ZWD: Thanks boss! By the way, are we going to start with LostInTheDesert Ltd's project?

BPF: No, I let it go. Maintenance would be trouble. They needed it 3 times sooner than initially estimated and I don't like having my people work overtime. We don't have so much availability anyway, because we need to design our architecture for future projects in advance. I've estimated that we will need about 8 months. This will help us with new projects, since we won't have to improvise.

Beep Beep Beep Beep

ZWD: Are you sure you don't hear anything boss? Maybe it's some UPS beeping?

BPF: No, nothing. Maybe it's some car from outside.

ZWD: Maybe...boss, I say you've done the best thing possible.

BPF: That's not all. I'll send you all to be properly educated on new platofrms, so that you have time to experiment. This way, when new projects come, we'll be ready.

ZWD: Are we going to be paid for our time attending seminars?

BPF: OF COURSE! This is an investment for the company.

Beep Beep Beep Beep Beep Beep

ZWD: WHAT is this beeping sound boss? Can't you hear it all this time?

BPF: Zach, I think you may need some rest. Do you want to take the rest of the day off? I really can't hear anything.

ZWD: Maybe I do, boss.

Beep Beep Beep Beep Beep Beep Beep Beep

ZWD: ...I think I'll go home...

Beep Beep Beep Beep Beep Beep Beep Beep Beep

ZWD: ...get some rest...

Beep Beep Beep Beep Beep Beep Beep Beep Beep

...

BANG!

(Sound of alarm clock hitting the wall)

Another great day just started for Zach. Have a good day!