Herewith, three “gifts” one 40-something would give a 20-something as their “Forty-Godmother”. What are yours?

1.

Be your own best friend. Then let that love and support and acceptance overflow to others. Don’t rely on others for your self esteem.

2.

Get good at time management now. It will only get more difficult as you get older and add on responsibilities.

3.

The ability to live the moment … in the moment you are in now. Don’t waste your time in your twenties trying to be 30 or 15 or 60 for that matter. Enjoy the ups and downs of the place you are at and it will turn you into who you are meant to be.

Don’t get too crazy when you discover credit cards. You may hear this all the time, but you’d be surprised how many 40-somethings are still saddled by credit from their highly charged 20s. One women in LA laments that the closetful of designer shoes and handbags she collected in her twenties doesn’t come in handy as she stays at home with her child and her husband struggles in his creative but competitive low-paying field. Another woman in Ohio recalls her engagement almost undone when she told her fiance that he was also marrying a $20,000 credit card debt. In your twenties you may think freedom and independence is being able to buy things for yourself, or to “put it on my tab” but real freedom is being financially independent and free of debt.  You need to have a little fun and need to build a credit history, but as in all things, choose your indulgences wisely.

“Don’t go out and buy Gucci shoes. You could buy that later when you have your own money. I was going about my twenties thinking, I want to buy a Gucci bag. I want a Prada. What was I thinking? I should’ve taken all that Prada money and put it in a house. All these Prada shoes but now what? Who cares! They sit in my closet.  But… if you’re bound and determined to buy something, buy a bag. The one advice my mom did tell me was ’If you’re going to go to Gucci, don’t buy shoes, buy handbag’.  A handbag you can always preserve better than shoes. Shoes get worn out. It’s really hard to resell but you sell a bag thirty years later. It’s easier to keep in mint condition.” — Forty-something, married, stay-at-home mom for now, Pasedena, CA

 

Throwback Thursday:  This post originally appeared in October 2010.

Q.  Dear 40-somethings, 

This guy and I are both 22. He is working at a well-known company and I’m pursuing my post grad. We met 10 months ago through a common friend. At first we had light and casual rapport in a group environment. He always would tell me that he had a crush on me. Eventually he became more serious about it and asked me out. I accepted. We both shared almost everything and have a lot in common. We also both have had a previous breakup and both are fine with it.

We now have been going around seriously for two months. Recently he told me that he is worried about our future and he is still not sure. He said he wants me in his life but he is scared if it doesn’t workout later.

I replied telling him that until he gets sure I cant do anything except wait for him and will respect the decision. He wants me to be close to him and he wants things to go slow so he can decide what exactly to be done. I am in a real fix now. I can’t remain as a friend with him. I love him, which I never told him. I don’t know if I should wait or try to move on!

A. Dear 20-something,

This question reminds me of a quote from Maya Angelou…”If people show you who they are believe them.”   That seems to be the direction the 40-somethings are heading. He is scared and wants you adjust to his speed. That means you are doing the waiting and life is passing you by. Are you ready for that?

“He is telling you how it is. Listen.  He is saying things like ‘worried’ and ‘not sure’. He wants you to go slow so ‘he can decide.’  Move on.  If he decides later that you are who he wants to be with, you can ‘decide’ then. – 40-something, entrepreneur, designer, mom and wife, Brooklyn, NY

“If he cared he would reschedule he would change his priorities. He would not hem and haw. Take him at face value. If you go black and he comes back it will be because he wants to not because you forced his hand.” – 40-something, a joint answer from a 40-something couple (adding in the guys eye view too)

Yet there is another perspective. You have only been dating for two months. How do you know this is what you want? Are you sure you love him? Just a few gut checks:  Are you into him or into the attention?  Is it easy and drama free? Have you changed your priorities for him e.g. grad school, etc).

I notice it took you a while for him to ask you out/ for you to say yes. Did you let him know you wanted to go out or did he and you like the play of the flirtation?  Take a step back and decide do you like him because he likes you or because he likes you? If you don’t know the answer …after two months I don’t think you have to cut him off but you can say fine…let’s slow it down. Then take that time to decide what you want!

A few weeks ago Bernstein Global Wealth Management sponsored a 7×7 Mentoring Salon on entrepreneurship. With host Jeyran Ghara, a financial advisor at Bernstein, and lead mentors Stephanie Torosian, Senior Investment Planning Analyst and Joanne Wilson, Gotham Gal blogger and WEF co-founder and angel investor, we had plenty of hindsight and foresight to help female entrepreneurs take the next step in building a successful startup.

In addition to a glorious view of Central Park, Bernstein also provided excellent perspective on what to think about when you get to the other side….when you are ready to sell your company.  Stephanie Torosian shared the following topline points on what entrepreneurs should consider as they approach the sale of their business.

Selling a business is very much an emotional experience as well as the single largest financial transaction for many entrepreneurs.  As owners, you have to make the transition from depending on your business earnings to relying on sale proceeds which is a very different mind-set and requires planning.  With that said, here are a few points to consider:

• Business sales are complicated….it is your baby after all!  Working with a professional can help separate the exit from the emotion. From matching term sheets to your financial and personal goals to making sure the timing is right, an outside advisor is there to navigate the tradeoffs.

• Determine whether you are selling the business for enough to support your lifestyle needs.  A “magic sale number” in your head can be a trap in today’s volatile markets; the real issue is whether the proceeds will meet your core needs and more.

• How can I increase value to my beneficiaries and reduce my estate taxes?  Learn how you can create a family and philanthropic legacy, augmented by grantor trusts and the power of discounted assets.

Check out Bernstein’s full white paper here, which provides a more in-depth view on the points raised above and the financial considerations in selling a business.  https://www.alliancebernstein.com/Research-Publications/White-Papers/Selling-a-Business/Stories/Selling_a_Business.htm

Herewith, three “gifts” one 40-something would give a 20-something as their “Forty-Godmother”. What are yours?

1.

Set some type of roadmap. The road always turns and that’s okay…but I think it is important to say mentally where you want to be and then at least you know what you are turning away from and can adjust your map. Is it a detour, a wrong turn, a scenic drive or is it a new direction?

2.

Never do things half way. Especially marriage. Relationships are two-way streets. But you have to give it your all or your will lose yourself.

3.

Play the field of life in your twenties.  It’s a really big field. Find yourself first. It’s hard to do because all your life you’re so used to being in this group where you’re part of something and not just being you. Now is you time to experiment and do things on our own and travel and experience things on your own and with other groups.

“Just like there are many ways of being a woman and there are many ways of raising a happy person. “

I recently read this quote from an interview I did with a 40-something woman. She was from South America, moved here in her twenties and built a successful career in architecture. I always find her perspective on life, love and work refreshing. Married since her twenties, she had a child later in life and his happy with her decisions. On becoming a mom in her late thirties.

“I enjoy having a child later in life. Most women who have children later have to plan for it. It is a decision. It has to be something you want. You are not following someone expectations anymore. I find that I get to enjoy an entire part of myself that doesn’t really get applied to other things.”

 ~

“People say you have to have a lot of energy. Yes for one or two years it is a lot of energy and but it is different when you have one child versus two or three. I have so much compassion for moms who are just starting out and have two or three children.”

~

“When you have one child, every one in the family performs a role. You have more dedicated time with your child…fewer distractions. The older / late parent of one child has a lot of advantages but people don’t think about the advantages at first. They think “oh no he’s not going to have sister or brother”. But there is a lot you have to gain too from that type of relationship too.

 ~

“There is no one type that is the sign of a super mom. We cherish one role model in America but there are just so many ways. Just like there are many ways of being a woman and there are many ways of raising a happy person. “

To all the different types of moms, and to all the different ways of being a daughter ….Happy Mother’s Day!

From the stats showing women don’t negotiate as well as men to the reality that we still don’t get equal pay, the fact is women have to get better at asking for money….their own money

At one of my 7×7 Mentoring Salons we put the question on the table:

Q. How do you price your product / services?

A. More than you probably are now.  

“The more you charge, the more they respect you. A client thought the rate I quoted was my hourly rate rather than my project rate (which is what it was) and said yes. I can’t tell you how respectful they were. It was insane.” – 30-something entrepreneur

“Make it a round number and say it with force behind it.  Then shut up.” – 40-something entrepreneur

During the same evening a 20-something entrepreneur seeking funding asked the question:

Q. What is the line between bravado vs. conservatism when projecting your growth?

A. The actual numbers in your projections don’t matter. It’s the idea that counts in early stage. Just show them that you understand the numbers and that they reflect belief in your idea. . 

“Anyone that writes you a big fat check is going to do it because you have a killer idea and you deliver on what you say you are doing to do. They like where you are trending. They believe in the idea…the market. They are going for it. They know they  projections are bullshit.” -40-something entrepreneur

“You always wan to under-promise and over-deliver. Always. You do not want to over-promise and under-deliver in the marketplace.” – 40-something entrepreneur

“Most VCs cut the numbers in half.” – 40 something founder

“Know how the numbers track.  When you are pitching VCs or angel investors, they know they numbers are inflated, but they want to see if you know how the numbers track and that you can make decisions about money. – 40-something entrepreneur

And lastly…

“I was at a seminar for angel investors and they all said that they take the entrepreneur’s model and cut all the numbers in half and that floored me. I thought at the time…I put those numbers up there because they were totally backed up. Then my guy friends told me they always make the best possible number.” – 20-something co-founder

This got me thinking.  If investor “patterns” are based on mostly male founders, then that suggests that men inflate their numbers by at least 100%.

If men are known for high-balling and women are known for low-balling…we are cutting our projections by a quarter.  It’s not surprising that women-run new ventures are often perceived as lower in value.

Food for Thought:

To raise the profile of women led start-ups, should we all increase our projections by 50% in the pitch stage?

If guys are inflating their numbers by 100% and investors are cutting all projections by half and not realizing a gender discrepancy, all they see is that the average guy led start-up seems to add more value to the party. If on average women tend to be conservative and guys tend to be more optimistic, then women are in effect being low-balled by 75%.

Do the math:

• A guy projects $1MM.
• Investor cuts to $500K
• A woman’s projection for similar startup would be $500K
• Investor cuts to $250K

Not a pretty picture. Of course this is just an example, but what do you think? Should we even the playing field?  At least know you have some room to play and you probably are low-balling!

Herewith, three “gifts” one 40-something would give a 20-something as their “Forty-Godmother”. What are yours?

1.

Experimentation. You have all the ingredients. Use your twenties to experiment with your recipe. Try new things and figure out what your secret ingredient is ….the unique tweaks that make the recipe all yours.

 2. 

Your own props. Don’t depend on someone else to build you up. Let them be the support structure but not the foundation.

 3. 

Nothing is forever. People change…and you can change with them. It’s the ability to grow with change that lasts. Forever ever after is for fairytales …and it’s boring.

A forty-something I spoke to had an interesting take on acting confident on the outside when you may not feel it on the inside. When you consider that everyone is “faking it”, you can be more open and less judgmental.

One of my professors in graduate school always told me that confidence is as much a rhetorical position as it is a real attitude that people carry with them. Just because someone is projecting confidence through what they say and the way they act has no relationship to whether they actually feel confident all the time. That’s liberating because you can project outside confidence even if you don’t feel you have it. But then it also gives you the  understanding that we are all human. People have feelings. You have to respect that that’s a human being whether or not they seem like they have every answer.   One of the wisest things that anyone has said to me was that the more you get to know people, the more you realize how everyone’s has their own little universe.”– 40-something, Los Angeles, CA

This post is an excerpt from an article that originally appeared in November 2010.

Sometimes you just have to go n a direction. That’s the advice of a just turned 50-something founder and angel investor. She told me:

“Most people don’t know ‘what their passion is’. If you do …you are lucky. But what do you gravitate toward? Dig into that. Find ways to apply those interests.  Then, go in a direction. Don’t get stuck by thinking you have to know for certain. You may change directions ten times so you better get started. Right now.”

I like to think of it as finding the intersection of your interests and your strengths…and seek opportunities to apply them.  Then It’s up to you to make the connections even if they aren’t  linear.

I heard a startup founder speak last week at a pitch event and she nailed this point. She was talking about the difficulties of getting VC funding as a woman and offering some tactics to overcome the bias.

One of these biases is that VCs are looking for patterns and proof that you know how to run a business.

This is doubly tricky as a first time female founder. So she made the pattern from the. No she hadn’t run a company before but she used examples from her work experience that showed she knew how to multi-task. She knew how to work under huge amounts of stress. She knew cost accounting. She knew how to lead.

So look at what you have done and weave together the story you want it to tell not the story a straight resume would tell.

“It’s not about what do you do…who cares? It’s how you put across the message about what you do. What you do now has no bearing on what you want to do.”  – 40-something, HR consultant