40% Chance of Shannon

Recent photography from the last few months! :)

2014-10-19T17:09:00.002-07:00

Always hard to say goodbye

2012-12-29T20:21:00.001-08:00

Third down on the list of people I absolutely adore, is my step-father. He has been the only positive male figure that stayed in my life, and loved me through the hard times. He had a saying when I got into trouble when I was younger, that eventually just became a family joke. He would smirk and say "Why do you keep doing it to yourself, why do you keep coming back for more?". We used to think it's funny, but now I would just say it was foreshadowing. I spent my teenage years ignorant, and cruel, and because of that I feel like when someone tells me I do something they don't like, I correct my life for them. I wish I could have an "in-between button", but I don't. And because I don't, that is why this will be my last post here.

I will still write and will find another site to blog on, because I can't live with a lot of these feelings inside, but it still hurts, this blog was my baby. I love everything about it, it is my home away from home. If I'm being vague, it's because I'm not alone on my blog anymore, too many eyes upon me. It's my own fault, you don't tell the people in your life that you have a blog, that's very stupid. I will continue to look up and see this as yet ANOTHER life lesson, so thank you for listening.

If you are one of the few who do listen out there, be sure to email me, and I will tell you the location and address of my new site when I find one. Shannonbeautie@yahoo.com

Love always-
Shannon

Post Christmas pictures and Bliss

2012-12-26T07:51:00.000-08:00

Still a little Ice on the road (and in Oklahoma, that means NO travel to any place). So I would like to Share some of my Christmas photo's :) My Family, the snow, cookie pops I made, just a bunch of silly-happiness.

Happy Holidays prt 2

2012-12-23T19:09:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve, and I'm a happy girl.
My sister left the house to live at Dad's when she was thirteen, I was five. So for most of my life I was raised as an only child. So with that mindset, my friends were teddy bears, the cats and dogs, and everything in the house was mine, I had never shared. So growing up, I wouldn't say I was spoiled, I never got new clothes, or candy or toys, but the things I had we're MINE. I've always been too possessive. Especially with spending time with people, I want it to be one on one, I don't like sharing the attention.

I wasn't happy then. Over the past couple of years, I've learned that giving and sharing makes you feel more love than taking and owning. I've learned that I will have pain, I will be sick, and I will be disappointed in the world. But I think as my spirit has gotten happier and my heart has gotten stronger, I could be useful to the world. I've learned that children growing up now are rejecting religion because its forced by parents, and when that happens, you get the opposite effect. I've learned that we should stop taking and taking from each other and our government. We need to humility, and gratitude. I can't even describe how lucky I am to have people that care. I may get frustrated than in 3 weeks I turn 25 and I haven't graduated and I'm still living in a tiny apartment, BUT I could have it worse, oh geez, so much worse. I've been in worse places, and seen worse people. There is always a hope in this crazy world.

This Christmas, I live like a queen, with electricity, a roof over my head, and people that love.

Thank you , and God Bless us all this Christmas Day and every day after.

Sickly

2012-12-16T17:06:00.001-08:00

So I caught a cold from the kids I nanny. Took care of them while they were sick, and now I'm taking care of myself on the weekend, blah. Worth it, but still a pain. Well, I have today and tomorrow to recover, and then I work forty-two hours in four days this week. I just have to say, in this sad time, that although children can be a handful, they really are a blessing! I hear a lot of whining, and fits, but they love me and I adore them. I feel for Connecticut, and hope they can find a way to see the good that is still out there. Trying to make the best out of this time, and I can't wait for family and Christmas.
Keep the Cheer(and the DayQuil)

You almost have to say something on 12-12-12

2012-12-12T12:38:00.001-08:00

People say spring is the time of love, and I beg to differ! What is winter without sharing a blanket, some hot chocolate, and a soft whisper with someone you adore? Winter is a time of glitter, and lights, and cookies! Big sweaters that make you look fat, and hibernating with the bear of your choice. I like to choose a papa bear, who gets irritated when I smoosh the bread, and humors me as I cry to the worst chick flick imaginable.

I've spent the longest time letting winter get the best of me. Not this year. Cinderella will not turn into a snowman this year, I will continue to be a princess all the year round. A sloppy, emotional, tights wearing princess; but a princess all the same.

Today is 12-12-12, and I am grateful for my time.

The people in my life that truly care about me are indescribable! Although I'm not the most popular girl, and the people I speak of are a small handful, they have enough love to light up my heart for many lifetimes. Friends who talk, friends who make me laugh, friends who simply listen to my sad pathetic life. I am so lucky.

I wish love could drive the world like hate. Love can be more powerful than any feeling, but it doesn't have the stamina of hate and sadness. I think Christmas (weather you celebrate it or not) brings out the best in people.People who give their last penny to make someone smile, people who preform a work of art. If you listen, you can hear music in the distance, and weather you are alone or not, someone loves you. I love you. I want to adopt the world and tell them stories of hope. Simple wishes of a simple girl on this December morning.

"I am in love with you. I have been since the first day I called on you. There are many things in your character which cure me. I prefer to tell you and I have done well, and now that I have I will suffer much less when you show me the door. But the truth is that I suffer, and my strength is wanting"
- Alfred De Musset

Happy Holidays

2012-12-09T13:08:00.000-08:00

Downtown In December Oklahoma City :)

Fuzzy, but always so clear

2012-12-01T21:24:00.001-08:00

He never acknowledges the ticking time bomb that is heard in never-land
The youth giving out one last cry for help.
I feel my youth, persuasion, and intelligence draining from me by the hour.
I feel my pain come and go through the charade.
I'm a good sport,
And an even better actor.
I'm a bad liar,
And even worse lover.
Truth be told,
I wasn't meant for the life of love,
I am a caged bird, a sleeping beauty, a lost soul.
I hurt and I sing.
There is a part of me that still holds onto life,
That part that convulses in the night.
My dreams take me away and make me feel. Make me see.
Is it that hard to live like you?
Is it that hard to be real?

A letter to a kindred soul

2012-11-30T15:31:00.000-08:00

I received a book in the mail today, that one does not just buy themselves. Deep down I am a romantic, but I don't buy into this modern sex appeal and swift love. I want deep old fashion love, filled with subtlety and private meanings. Anyway, nine of this is important to this post, but I believe a thank you is in order, and how else to say thank you, but by a quote of the gift.

"Do not believe that I have ever failed to appreciate you; to think that would be to wrong me; for it would imply that you thought that I know not how to appreciate that which is devoted and noble. "
Napoleon the III, 1845

:)

Should You give money to the homeless?

2012-11-16T11:52:00.000-08:00

I'm a recent citizen of the "big city" (nothing is truly big in Oklahoma), and moving from a small town to a big city, I'm new to the world of the U.S homeless. I don't know what is accurate, about the homeless as I hear so many things. I pulled up to a stop light this morning and there was a dirty man in his forties holding a sign saying he and his family needed help, and my heart sank. As I pulled away and saw him in the rear view mirror I remembered the four one's I had in my purse. I thought "what if he truly did have a family that needed my help. Kids? A wife counting on him? How often do the homeless lie about there status? Should I feel guilty about my life? I just don't know. I'm assuming I'll feel guilty either way, but what are your views or experiences.

Poem about my lawyer(I know, I'm odd)

2012-11-16T11:35:00.000-08:00

My lawyer says he's proud of me,
Old man with a brand new heart.
We are strangers,
But kindred torn apart

He keeps his hearing aid
In a jar of artichokes,
And his faith
Made me cry and gave me hope.

Being thankful

2012-11-09T07:36:00.000-08:00

I realized today that because I use my writing to vent, that I don't sound like a very happy person, but today I will try to change that. What I'm about to say may sound bitter and not as happy as Im trying to make it out to be, but know that I truly mean it when I say I'm thankful, It is a new day and I'm alive;walking, breathing and smiling, but I would like to take a second and reflect on how many times all this could have ended.

I'm thankful my father saved me as a baby, when I could have suffered shaken baby syndrome, I'm thankful my sister walked into the bathroom when I was a baby and under water in the bath tub, I'm thankful for her again when she saved me from choking on a particular brown peanut M&M when I was five,and when I was six, my step father saved me from drowning in some rapids after I fell off my tube, and when I refused to get back into the water, he graciously walked with me the entire stretch of river. I'm grateful that at the age of thirteen when I tried to swallow a bottle of 409 bathroom cleaner that I promptly threw it up, and that when I was cutting myself with scissors and knives that I never cut too deep. I'm thankful for the night in eleventh grade when I sped across town and ran every red light at 80mph, I could have died or killed another person. I'm thankful I had Matt when I skipped my senior prom and tried to drown myself. I'm thankful for my mistakes that allow me to grow stronger and see a broader perspective. Without all those people in my life who saved me, and without the grace of God, I would not be here today, and while sometimes in my life I don't enjoy the choices or paths I have to take, at least I'm here to see the few beautiful up days and the strengths of the wonderful people around me.

Thank you God for keeping me alive, when it would have been easier to let me go:)

Young Republican, in a sea of Liberals

2012-11-07T09:37:00.000-08:00

I put my pearls in to clean today, both things sooth my naturally cranky disposition. However, today with the election results sinking in, I'm a little more bitter than usual. I'm getting more and more aware that I'm not going to shake this generational retardation that I have forever grown up with. The same ones that followed the crowd and spent their time seeking attention from designer clothes and living off mommy and daddy, are now attempting to wear hemp and attend music festivals to prove their love for the environment and how they have soul. That is the liberal I know. Having your money, belongings and destiny handed to you gives you no right to dictate what the hard working people of this society are trying to do with our country. I'm tired of people voting because of one issue. I think giving is a wonderful thing, but I also think if you worked hard your whole life and came into money on your own, you should get a break. The sad thing is, if the poor were in the position that they came into money they would change their views. Mine haven't differed. I struggle with finances, but I work, and go to school, so I can get a better career and live comfortably. What society is telling me is that when I get to that point, I should give ALL of my money to the poor because they didn't have the same opportunities that I have? That's bullshit. I'm a white female, and while that probably meant something ten or twenty years ago, the tables have turned. I receive no minority scholarships, or handouts because of my race. You say one thing about what's happening in the U.S right now and you are racist. I tell people I don't believe in gay marriage I'm spewing hate. I don't beat up on or hate gay people, I don't attempt to make them feel bad, but they do the same to me. If Hobby Lobby and Chic-Fa-Le have their own beliefs, they are ignorant, and hateful. However, gay pride parades happen throughout the U.S. and there are even businesses that support that, do I refuse to shop or eat at these places? No, because telling them they can't believe and feel what they feel IS ignorant, and because Liberalism is on the trend in society I am the devil.

I have always tried to defend my beliefs, even when they get me into trouble. In college, I had a huge falling out with my peers for two reasons, one being the only person defending a strict professor. Two professor's at my school had it out for each other, and in an immature act, had the students stand out to defend them. The professor that let minors over to her house to have parties, and drink, and who gave easy A's in class had over fifty kids come to her aid. The other professor who had hard courses and was deemed a grumpy old man, had me. Needless to say, she pushed him into retirement, and everyone lived happy and partied on. My voice counted for nothing that day, as it did yesterday. But sometime doing what's right makes you look bad, makes you unpopular, or even makes you "old". In conclusion to my raving, don't do what makes you more agreeable, no one cares if you were popular in whatever afterlife you believe in.

Cloudy with a chance of showers

2012-10-24T11:51:00.000-07:00

My youth destroyed me. I was so loved and doted upon, called beautiful and taken care of by whoever was near. If I hadn't had all that, it wouldn't hurt so bad to be nothing now. I mean I'm nothing. Sure I'm a daughter, sister, friend, and girlfriend, but it feels empty. The last four times my sister called me it was about presents she wanted me to buy her, her boyfriend, and her son. Mom is basically bipolar, she spent my entire youth not in existence, and not that she doesn't have to take care of or deal with me, she adores me. As for being a friend and a girlfriend, I think a lot of that is just a mask for me not being lonely, them not being lonely. Life is stagnant, and hurtful. It's bills and mental abuse. Empty goals and cold homes. I distract myself from the way I feel by playing games, and pretty clothes. Nothing seems worth it. Not school, not work, not the future. I just want to be done with school so I can apply to work in the peace corps and be out of this for two years. Maybe I'm just having a bad day, but sometimes I think "This is the real me, and the rest of the time, I'm being drugged by possessions and endorphins". I miss addiction. It was the one thing I could count on.

Pop Culture? What happened to Rock Culture?

2012-10-09T13:10:00.001-07:00

When you turn on the radio, you get computer generated noises with bleach white smiles sitting in the recording studio's doing little to no work. What happened to Rock? What happened to full blood talent? To black and white romance instead of "vampire diaries"? Simplicity and talent got confused with a clump of spoiled brats and gangsters talking into a microphone. I hear most of these "chicks" and the new-found men who look like chicks sound horrible live, and the ones that don't, they have enough money to bring along their massive sound machines to make them sing on key.
http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=n4nPa35CZPI
http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Rbm6GXllBiw

Lake City, Colorado

2012-10-09T07:02:00.001-07:00

We headed to the highest peak in the San Juan mountain range, wanted to see what 14,000 feet looked like. Didn't quite make it, but got a work out looking for it.

Something new in September...

2012-09-19T19:09:00.001-07:00

On accident I'm trying something new every weekend in September! The first weekend, I did grape stomping, the second, "Pole fitness", the third I can't really talk about, and next weekend is my sisters 32nd birthday so we are going to a trampoline gym with a ton of built in floor trampolines and foam pits. I'm adding picture, some are funnier than others lol.

Fiction. Not done.

2012-09-07T19:57:00.002-07:00

"Are you going to shoot?" my friend looked at me like I was crazy, I had been eyeing a man in pleather pants since he walked in.
"Sorry" I bounced my ball against the side of the pool table and it went right back to the middle. I think my best friend Maggie assumed I had spaced out, I would never be caught staring at a man wearing not even tacky leather, but PLEATHER. He wasn't an attractive man, looked like a dead beat and failed musician from the Flock of Seagulls era.
"Listen, can we please go grab a drink, we have been playing for fifteen minutes and the exact same amount of balls are on the table" I looked down at our sad display of athleticism, and headed toward the bar.
We sat down in the middle of open seats so as to stay "available" and I leaned purposely and eaegerly over the bar to get the bartenders attention. He never asked what we wanted but simply tapped the bar as if we were regulars, I shyly went with a rum and coke while my Maggie went with her usual, a White Russian. Ever since she's seen the movie The Big Labouski, with her Ex she thought that a White Russian was a drink that would get a man's attention. I tried explaining to her that men seldom drink Kahlua, and that it does not make her a "bad ass", but she prefers to talk instead of listen.
We were in the middle of a conversation on her recent obsession gone vampire to wolves when he came and sat down right next to me. I stopped listening to Maggie and tried to look annoyed by his presence. He turned his body to me and just smiled in a very smug way, no words, just that stupid god-awful smile.
"pleather pants...really?" I decided to be the bigger person and break the silence
"I'm environmentally friendly, these are my 'save the cow' pants". His humor bugged me, his arrogance was insulting, and his style choices made my skin crawl. However he was the only source of entertainment aside from my grueling conversation on, witches? Oh I already forgot.
"I wouldn't have come here if I had known they just let anyone in" I tried to hide my delight in my flirtatious insults, but I think he knew he had me the minute he walked in.
"I come here a lot, but you knew that didn't you?"
"I haven't seen you in two years, I hardly go around plotting where you'll be boozing it up and embarrassing yourself by looking like a fifteen year old trying to rebel.
"I miss you" I was speechless. I couldn't throw any banter, I couldn't even breathe. "Stick around, I think you'll like the next show."
As he walked away, I replayed the conversation in my mind. Do I miss him? How could you miss someone with no ambition or future? Easy I suppose, the men with ambition treat you like shit, and he treated me like a goddess he so badly needed to win over. I heard Maggie talking in the background asking questions about the 'smelly man I had been talking to', but I was in a room halfway across country over four years ago.
"Tell me what you want?" His smoldering eyes were locked with mine and his hands grabbed my face. "I'll do anything"
"Make me hurt" I said softly, and before I could blink I was being thrown against the wall.

In the absence of writing...

2012-08-27T14:13:00.000-07:00

I like the city. It's big and lonely, and people here are cold, sounds horrible, but it suits me. Back home where I grew up, I have the pressure of my family to be their savior. To be the child who saves them, who makes all the money to cure all their unhappiness's, and to be classy and beautiful the entire time. To have faith, but to be strong. To keep love, but never let a man hold me down. Here in the city I can make my own dreams, to not have my mistakes blown up at Kinko's on a poster board for the entire town to gossip about. I don't even know these people I graduated with, how do they have time to gossip about me. It's depressing to go out in your hometown. The same people every night. The only people left from your class are the ones who have had children, or that have done so many drugs they can't move anywhere else for fear they won't have any "connections" for pot, or worse. I blend in up here, I'm left alone. I like being left alone, to have my own thoughts, and my own emotions. To have my own dreams, and have room to make mistakes.

Everyday when I come home I walk past the first apartment on the first floor, and I smell the coconut from her home. I couldn't pinpoint the smell, until Scott assured me it was coconut. I've always preferred the smells of foods to the headache that I get from floral scents. The woman who lives there makes me sad. She had a black eye last week, and her boyfriend looks like the type to have done it to her. He's bald, likes to have a beer constantly in his grips, and looks as if he thinks he's the "big man on campus". Men like that repulse me. Usually when you have doubts and insecurities it's a sign you're human, and humanity is hard to come by in the world we live in.

My cousin got into a car accident two weekends ago. She had just got into nursing school and was starting a new job on the Monday after, so she went out with her friends to celebrate. She got extremely drunk and ran into a tree. She has been through several surgeries since, and her and her mother have to go into physical therapy. I haven't always been a fan of my cousin, and she hasn't always made the best decisions, but she was TRYING to turn her life around. I know about mistakes, and I also know about trying my hardest to go forward and being pushed further away by the current. Ever since I've heard of her wreck, I have been tense in the car, worried that one wrong turn or one idiot not looking when he switched lanes would leave me paralyzed. I don't know if my cousin will be able to walk, but I do know she will get through it with the help of all her loved ones. I couldn't do it, my mind would check out, and my body would never recover. I pray for her healing, and that her daughter will be taken care of in her absence.

Dreams

2012-08-26T07:01:00.000-07:00

Another one of my oh-too-real dreams. It's never the dreams you want to be vivid, it's the unlucky horrible, dying, falling, teeth falling out kind of dreams that seem to get published in my mind. In my dream we were all in the same house all these bad people in one house, and then Scott was there, occasionally trying to save me. My unconscious knows how to hit me where it hurts. Day turned to night in my dream world and he crept into my room while no one was looking. He dragged me by my foot, out of the room and my REAL body felt all of the tension and horror. Scott came in several times putting the monster back to his room and putting me into my own, but he kept reappearing until morning, trying to take the last ounce of good inside of me and replace it with more of the nightmare memories. I got through the darkest night inside of my dream, and when I "awoke" I was surrounded by these skeleton dolls and figurines. Why did he leave these behind? Reminding me that he succeeded in destroying me,and that I will always have these skeletons in my closet? Scott wasn't there back then. I had no protection.

I'm awake and uncomfortable. I feel stiff and sad. Usually my active imagination has no effect on my day, but this is doing a number.

"I need a daddy" syndrome

2012-08-10T18:49:00.000-07:00

I was rotten to the core in my late teens. I had just moved out for the first time, and no longer had my mother controlling my dating life. So of course I went through a strand of meaningless, incompatible relationships. When I was nineteen, I dated a man from New York, he was a sports doctor, and very much Italian. His, what can only be described as a mansion, was on the same street as the guy who invented the Nintendo. My first time meeting him, he had a limo pick me up at the airport, and answered the door with another fellow doctor. I remembered thinking "Who the hell do I think I'm kidding? I can't be with a man who has ACTUAL lion statues in the front of his house!". He was always very kind, and very much a gentleman. He would take me out to these dim, fancy restaurants with a group of different people every time, no one ever asked for my ID, and he would always order for me. I have to admit, even as I'm getting older and bitter, it feels nice to be paraded around and catered to. Alas, like most things, my guilt got in the way. I didn't love this man. He wasn't ever going to be around, he was older, smarter, stronger, and wealthier. I couldn't do this to him. Not only was I just not interested in his slight arrogance, but I am a complete mess that he'd never be able to keep up with mentally. Our little fling lasted about two months tops before he started talking about marriage and I walked out the door.

I bring this up, because lately as I'm struggling, and hurting, I think of me being unhappy with him, but physically taken care of. Isn't that already fifty percent better than I am right now? I'm not saying that I would ever consider dating someone with money again, but the reason I broke up with him, is that he didn't have the time for me, and didn't understand my emotional needs. But I realize now that no man will support me emotionally unless he is gay, or an IT nerd who doesn't leave the house even for groceries.

I don't support it, but I understand how women could be lesbians. Women listen, women struggle, women hurt and deal. Women get abused, and discarded. Women Care.

I'm sure there are men out there who care, but they are few and far between. Men get confused, assuming that women want a Latin lover, a muscle man, or a wilderness explorer...But they are wrong. I could care less about your muscles, or your new polo. I'm not going to drool over your big truck, or latest catch, and I don't find it impressive if your number one in the random online game you play. I care that we can fight for the same beliefs, I care if you treat me with care and see when I'm hurting, and most of all I care about spending time together, conquering the world together.

I fight the world alone.

This is what Hell is like

2012-08-04T14:53:00.001-07:00

My whole life I have been told that every wrong move I make puts me one step closer to Hell. Guilt and fear are why I started cutting to begin with. I cut myself to escape real Hell, but was taught every time I made a cut I was putting myself at the top of the Devils list.
I can't wait to meet God and ask him what I did to deserve the life I live. I still wish I cut, I would cut two to three times a week if I could. You know the only thing stopping me? The one thing I fear more than death, than failure, than weakness or shame. Being unattractive. I guess I can add shallow to my list of faults. I never understood why I put so my stock into my looks, every problem I've ever had is due to not being taken seriously because of my looks, or being taken TOO seriously because of my looks. I can't even put into words how much pain I'm in.
I bring up hell, because I often wonder(being a person who believes in God and the Devil) how hell compares to real life. You work your ass off, just to barely get by, you hope that your hobbies, friends, family, and materials can keep you happy long enough to survive. But they never do. All I ever want to do is be some one worth while, succeed, be a role model for women and children. But I take one step forward, and when I finally think stability has sunk in, I fall down a flight of stairs. I went to a Christian haunted house in 2008, and walked through a scenario and saw what Hell "might" be like. It was sad, scary, and overly painful. Most of my days are the same. I don't know if I was born cynical, or just a realist...but WHAT IS THE POINT?
What do we have to look forward to? Your memories won't matter when you die, the sex you had wont matter, your paycheck won't matter where you're going, and neither will my wardrobe. So why do I go to work? Why do I smile for the people I love? Why do I pay my bills or go to school?
Because I fucking have to.
Because suicide will lead to your family and friends having a harder time, and resenting you for being so selfish. I have no choice but to live out my life and die trying to succeed. And...I, I just don't want to. I don't want to be in pain anymore. I don't want to worry anymore, it's a slow suicide that will age me quicker than my addiction to cutting.
And if you think I'm crying out for sympathy, please don't respond with it. I don't need someone to feel sorry for me, because there is no reason, lots of people have much worse lives. I just don't have a strong heart, or undying faith. I've got a tiny thread left of my nerve, and there is a rock weighing it down.
I need a friend, but I don't trust anyone. I need advice, but I've heard everything from "it will pass" to "pray". I need drugs, but won't be another statistic. I need a hug, but hate to be touched. I need therapy...but could never afford it. I need a strong drink and a dozen sleep inducing pills.

The pursuit of happiness

2012-07-30T19:16:00.001-07:00

If I don't get a certain amount of endorphins everyday, I feel empty. Granted I have gotten better at coping after all these years, but it still hurts inside. It's frusterating to know that I have to do a certain amount of exercise or have a certain amount of human interaction to not feel depressed. I used to think it was sunlight, but I've gotten plenty today. It's infuriating to not know anything for certain, to be dissatisfied with life and the way things are in life and the world. I need control. Or a rush. When I get a rush, I'm good for a few days. A rush is easier to obtain than say actual happiness. The pursuit of happiness is an unhappy one.

I'm a nanny

2012-07-26T19:48:00.000-07:00

My girls sing show tunes, their favorite is the sound of music, and they get that from me. They are beautiful, intelligent, and so much fun. Going to work and most days having a three year old wrap their arms around you and say "Can I hug you Shanny?" or a two year old who is potty training "Are you proud of me?" is one of the most marvelous feelings in the whole world. I feel amazing knowing I taught a child that, or that they grow up with a silly trait of mine, such as the show tunes bit. They love me and I love them, but it's hard raising children you can't keep nor get attached too. Well I'm attached.
Being in the "child care" profession, you have to learn a little humility. I sing about peeing on the potty, scrub poop from the rug, do someone elses dishes before coming home to my own, and basically have zero control over anything in the house. My opinions, religious views, or political status doesn't matter when I walk through the door at 7:30 am. When I walk through the door, I'm no longer a girlfriend, daughter, or have a problem in the world. At 7:30, I am a bubbly mess of mother, sister, child, and mostly friend to my three year-old-twins, two year old, and the only boy who is a whopping 11months old. I forget about the fights I have had the night before, and the exam due on Monday, because there is breakfast to be made, songs to be sung, walks to be had, and I have got to start thinking of new science projects for the twins.
But, being a nanny is not all hugs and laughs. When you work for people who can afford a nanny(or three) you have to realize that the children will be as equally spoiled as the parents. I work for a mom who doesn't like to hear her children cry(and who would)and rewards their screaming fits with food such as skittles, gummies, Reece's, granola, and chocolate milk. If you know two-year-olds, you know that it is the age of testing boundaries and a lot of "no", but when your co-nanny tells her to "please put the stick down, it is too big and sharp" and she throws herself on the ground for forty-five minutes straight, that maybe something is missing(or needs to be added). There has been a lot of tantrums this week. Fortunately you can step back and realize, it isn't their fault. They have no structure or discipline in their lives, and we are not aloud to implement it by any means.
All in all, despite having a set of twins boss me around between 30-38 hours a week for two years, it is pretty great. When my life goes south, and nothing seems to be going right, their faces brighten my world. Sometimes it's easier to be at work than it is at home, and I'm grateful for that.
My intelligent Asian Von-trap children are a huge part of my chaotic little world, and I love it.

Morality Vs. Laziness

2012-07-25T15:40:00.002-07:00

I'm tired of promises and our government in general. Why is it that Obama thinks handing us "free" things and having more people on welfare and food stamps will make people happy and help this economy at all?! We need to rehabilitate America, reward the hard workers and self made man. Not reward people who won't work because they can't find the right job for them. I can't tell you how many of my friends are without work because they don't want to, don't have to, or they simply refuse to work in the food industry or get a pay cut. A job is a job, and work is work. Have you no self-respect? If you believe in sin, you know that pride is one of the seven deadly sins. Where will your pride get you in life? Maybe you think it will get you people's respect? Well, you're wrong, people are cruel, they will find some reason to dislike you. It starts with our children! We are raising lazy wimps. Children see our society sue McDonalds because their coffee is hot, that if you don't want to work, the government will take care of you, and that you shouldn't respect anyone or anything anymore. America is filled with immorality, and it is a disease that won't stop growing. I can't say that I'm a good example of morality, or am a pillar of religious strength, but I know that most marriages end in divorce, that in general people are only looking out for themselves, and that the media makes sex, drugs and partying the end all in our sad little lives. What happened to family? What happened to book clubs and family soft ball teams as opposed to kindles and NCAA on the XBox? I love technology, and hate it all the same. I would love to receive love letters instead of texts. I would love to send Christmas cards instead of Facebook albums. Sure technology is making my life easier...but maybe my life shouldn't be easier. Maybe I learn more through strife. I have been thinking of babies lately, because at my age, everyone starts having them. I think of how pretty they are and how pure. I think that I would want one someday soon, but how? How can I do that to a child? It's such a scary world, and it's not getting better. You can't raise your child a captive in your home, they won't learn that way, but can I send them out in the world and hope they have enough self-esteem, and self-worth to make all the right choices? God knows I never had the self-worth to do anything right. To spoil or punish, to push or to hold on. It mind be easier to just never have a baby. I think that people, throughout time, kill themselves, not because they are cowards, but as one final act of defiance. Saying "my existence is the one thing that I can control" and even that isn't true. You say you're going to kill yourself, and you get locked up on someone else's dime. I suppose everything is bothering me today. It bothers me that my life can't truly ever amount to anything big enough to be remembered. It bothers me that I look forward to nothing but small, minute details that don't contribute to society at all. I'm sorry I'm not a happy little peach, I will be more aware of my negativity in my next post:)