What are your possibilities?

Today is 1-1-11!

What a great day to dream about who YOU want to be, or, rather, who you ARE.

Resolutions can be a bit of a downer, at least for me.  They seem hard-wired to come with lots of ‘shoulds.’  I should lose weight.  I should exercise.  I should be nicer to my boss.  The problem with the typical approach to resolutions is that they are based on a basic assumption that I am flawed, I’m not doing what I should do, and, perhaps, I am unworthy (for what, one might ask).

Bleh.  Who wants that?  For me, when you resolve to do something, usually something virtuous (‘cuz VIRTUE is what New Year’s resolutions are about, right?), it feels like you’re setting yourself up for discipline, hard work, . . . suffering, and martyrdom.  Yuck.  No wonder it’s so easy to blow those resolutions.

For my friends who are discipline machines (and you know who you are), this post is NOT for you.  For the rest of us, let’s try something a bit more fun.  Specifically, let’s try dreaming about what we want out of our lives.

STEP 1: Tell yourself, “I AM [insert dream here]”

Do you want to lose weight?  Don’t say, “I will lose 20 pounds in 2011.”  Figure out why you want to lose weight.  Is it so you’ll feel more confident?  Is it because you want to be healthy?  Or even, do you think you’ll be more attractive if you lose the weight?  Say, instead, “I AM a healthy, fit person.”  Or even, “I AM a beautiful, thin person.”

Start with one dream – the one that you think will make you happiest.  (You can add more later, but for now, just start with one biggie)

STEP 2: Picture the dream

What does the healthy, fit, beautiful YOU look like?  What do you feel like?  What do you do?  I think one of the reasons people fail to keep resolutions or, worse, relapse after making just a little progress towards a goal, is that they have the mentality of, “I’ll suffer for a little while, then, once I reach a certain point, I’m living it up!  I’ll be happy!  Life will be good , and I can do whatever I want.”  In other words, I’ll choose to suffer NOW because it will make my life wonderful SOMEDAY.  The fact is that the more suffering you make yourself endure and the more you defer that ‘good, wonderful complete life’ (at least if you’re anything like me), the quicker your smart, self-preserving self will say, This was a dumb idea, and your unconfident self will say, What on earth were you thinking?

What’s wrong with living that wonderful life today?

Don’t bother resolving to do something hard.  Instead, put every ounce of creativity, imagination and will power into imagining YOU ALREADY ARE that dream self.  If that is hard, adopt the mindset of someone you think has the attributes you admire. Ask yourself, “What would so-and-so do? Think?  Eat?”  Particularly when you get into situations where your Dream Self and your Old Self might diverge in your choices.  Facing the all-you-can-eat buffet?  What would Thin, Beautiful, Healthy YOU do at an all-you-can-eat buffet (assuming that Dream You would make it to the buffet in the first place)?  Maybe Dream You would look for the most gorgeous looking food – and take a small portion.  Maybe Dream you would eat slowly and enjoy all the flavors and texture and smells of the food.  Maybe Dream You would ask herself, “Am I really hungry?” and answer in the affirmative before taking each bite.  Note! Dream You ENJOYS the buffet by making excellent choices.

The key is that Dream You does not put herself in the Box of Suffering or the Box of Shame.  Dream You is confident, proud, and happy.  Dream You chooses to do things that allow her to enjoy things fully.  Dream You feels pleasure NOW! But Dream You has a different mindset of pleasure than Old You.  Your quest is to adopt the mindset of Dream You.

STEP 3: If you must, start small

One of my goals last year was to join my church choir.  Oh, how frightening a thought!  Our choir is so awesome, and joining requires an audition(!)  Many of the members are or were music majors and have sung professionally.  I am not.  I spent years listening to the choir and loving the music . . . and yearning to be there with the rest of the choir, singing.  But given who was in the choir and who I was (or thought I was), even thinking about joining seemed audacious, preposterous, even.  To tell myself, “I am a singer” seemed ridiculous.  I felt that even including that wish on my goals for 2010 was outrageous.  So, instead, I started out small.  I told myself, “I am a music lover!”  As a music lover, I paid more attention to the music selection at Sunday Mass (both choir pieces and congregation pieces).  As a music lover, I attended the free concerts given by our choir and concerts of other musicians in other venues.  As a music lover, I looked for great music and immersed myself in it.  Of course, all this music-loving made me yearn to join the choir even more.  So much that I started trying to psych myself up to do something about it.  I told myself I was courageous.  Brave Ami tries things, takes risks! It was too hard to march right up to our choir director in person and ask about joining.  Making a phone call would have been equally difficult.  But email?  Oh, thank-you e-mail!  You make it easier to send out audacious requests and questions.

I sent the email.  Our choir director encouraged.  I auditioned.  I joined the choir.  I AM a choir member! But first, I was a music lover.

STEP 4: Immerse yourself

Once you’ve gotten started, actively look for opportunities to BE your new and improved self.  Take them!  More important, relish them!  If your resolution is to BE a runner, run – 10 steps if that’s all you can do – but relish the speed, the strength of your legs, the wind on your face.   Raise your arms over your head and cheer for what you accomplished!  Celebrate the fact that you ran 10 more steps than Old You, lying on the couch, would have.

Bottom line: BE your joyful, life-filled dream

Don’t resolve to do something virtuous and admirable.  Just BE your Dream Self.  That’s something you can do be TODAY.  Don’t put life off.  Slurp it up, dance in it, revel in it.  It’s YOUR life.  It’s YOU.

I’m a bit astonished at some wonderful things that have come together for me recently, many after I started challenging myself to BE what I loved.  Aside from being a choir member, I am . . . employed (!)  for money (!)  Well, not a lot of money.  I’ll be working for my local public broadcasting company :).  But talk about being near the things I love!  I’m excited about 2011!

Ami

How about you?  What’s YOUR dream self? Share!

• that my son delights in his small pile of birthday presents.
• that I’m able to give him a small pile.
• to listen to glorious Christmas music – for free.  And to have money left in my wallet to give a hungry woman lunch money.
• that my noisy, boisterous children have the strength and the joy to run and carouse through the church
• that my too-large to keep clean house is warm – and the Christmas tree with its lights and its imperfect, kid-made decorations hides the mess
• that my children are too smart for me – but not too smart to enjoy decorating the tree – and singing carols
• that my scruffy, noisy dog spends every night in bed with my lonely son
• that, without spending our last dimes on trinkets and geegaws and junk, I’m feeling the joy and blessings of Christmas

Sometimes, the things that make us sigh and wring our hands hide blessings-in-disguise.

What are your blessings-in-disguise?

I recentlyfinished Seth Godin’s book Linchpin, which suggests that being a ‘linchpin’ is critical in the new world for success – and satisfaction.  Seth describes a linchpin as an artist, someone who gives the extra, discretionary effort in getting things done.  The point is not for everyone to start picking up paintbrushes and clay and putting on berets (tho’ I think that could be beneficial, too)  The point is that, whatever your job or vocation or hobby, you can invest yourself in it in a manner that distinguishes you from other people doing the same thing.

If you stop to think, you can identify the linchpins at your job, in your club, at your place of worship.  They may invest extra time in their efforts, but really, the distinguishing feature (per my interpretation of SethG) is a level of energy and focus and LOVE that they show when doing what needs to be done.  They put themselves into their effort so much that the leave their own mark, their signature, so to speak, on their work product.  One interesting irony of the linchpin/artist concept is that the artist would produce their art for free (so great is their passion and energy for their art), and, at the same time, a wise manager or decision maker would pay a premium for work done by a linchpin (because the impact the linchpin has extends beyond the individual to the entire institution).

One of the great benefits of the internet is that you can find linchpin/artists  and follow them.  You can learn from their example.  And your sense that someone is a linchpin will be validated when you see how much they share – and how much value they provide.  These are the people whose work you describe as a labor of love – and for whom you cheer when they succeed.

Here are some that I like:

1. Tim Flach.  His photos of dogs and horses look like high art, just gorgeous.  No poker playing dogs here.  I want to know how he got these animals so clean for the photo shoots (and what happens when a horse does its business in studio?)  Another amazing photographer: Jasmine Starr, who shoots weddings as if the pics will be displayed in a gallery.
2. The people behind Ravelry.com.  This is the Emerald City of websites if you are a knitter.  I mean WOW.  In one central location, you can find out if the yarn you’re looking at will itch, whether there’s a trick to the pattern you’re knitting and how the finished product looks.  You can get ideas for gifts and connect with other knitters (the community aspect is mind bogglingly useful).  You can keep track of your own projects.  Amazing – and it’s free.  Other good knitting linchpins: Jared Flood (the photographer/knitter behind Brooklyn Tweed) and Eunny Jang (who is now the Editor of Knits magazine and has discontinued posting in her blog but left behind a treasure of information and tutorials)
3. Jules Clancy at Stonesoup.  Jules has produced a wonderful blog with mouth-watering pics, promising to get you cooking delicious meals from 5 ingredients and within 10 minutes.  The recipes are wholesome and delicious.  Also love: 101 Cookbooks and The Kitchen for great recipes, cooking hints and strong community connection.
4. J.D. Roth at Get Rich Slowly.  You can learn so much about personal finance, frugality, spending money the right way, and money choices from reading his blog.  J.D. spends a lot of time researching personal finance – as does his team of staff writers, and, as a result of creating a high quality blog, he has built a community that provides as much value in comments and forums as the original posts.
5. Chris Guillebeau at the Art of Non-Conformity.  Chris writes quite a bit about travel – his objective is to visit every country in the world, and he has picked up some incredible travel hacks along the way.  However, I find his philosophical musings to be more valuable (for me) than his travel tips.  Chris spent some time in the Peace Corps, and he has some thoughtful views about HOW (and why) to live an amazing life that could benefit anyone.

There are so many more artists and linchpins out there, my list is really the tip of the iceberg.  Who are YOUR linchpins?  Does anyone else follow their linchpins (via RSS or otherwise?)

If you know a linchpin/artist, please share in the comments!

thanks,

Ami

The winner of the Tour de France, Alberto Contador, finished the 3471 km race in 91 hours 58 minutes and 48 sec.s

The guy in 4th place?  Samuel Sanchez, finished in 92 hours 02 minutes 28 sec.s. –  just 3 minutes 40 sec.s longer – over 3471 km.s.

The winner of this year’s Boston Marathon, Robert Kiprono Cheruiyot, ran 26.2 miles in 2:05:52.

Ryan Hall, who finished in 4th place, ran the distance in 2:08:41 – about 3 minutes slower for the 26.2 miles.

When I was in law school, the distribution of grades/GPAs over a 4.o scale from highest to lowest, could be measured in hundredths of a point.

The difference between the ‘winner’ and someone who doesn’t even place can be tiny – yet we celebrate ‘winners’, and we ridicule ‘losers.’

QUESTION: Do you think this distinction and these values makes sense?  Does it make us try harder or produce better results?

I know that when I set my kids to any kind of competition, they tend to leap in if they think they have a chance of winning – and to whine and make excuses if they think they won’t.

How do your beliefs about winning and losing affect the way you set goals, the way you see yourself, and the way you treat others?

Would love to hear your views on this.

thanks, Ami

Update: corrected my Tour de France results, thanks to lip for the input.

While this doesn’t seem like a typical post for my blog, I want to examine the idea for a moment, as an exercise in changing the way we think about things – which IS one of the aims of my blog.  While many of the posts today seem to focus on moving away from the angst and love/hate relationship that many of us have with our bodies – and beauty and attractiveness and body image (perhaps mostly in the US),

I think it’s a good day to remember the fantastic way our bodies handle the mundane, overlooked, ordinary things of life.

For example:

• I love the fact that I can smell the difference between good milk and slightly off milk – regardless of the date on the carton.  (I can also smell when someone who shall remain anonymous has forgotten to flush)
• I can hear the difference between a baby’s cry for hunger or attention – and its cry when it’s hurt or scared.  (well, except for my daughter’s cries.  She learned as an infant that screaming like a banshee was the quickest way to get service.  Thank goodness she grew out of that.)  I can also still hear when the kids have the TV on really, really low, hoping I won’t notice.
• I can feel the difference between cheap, scratchy yarn and . . . cashmere.  Wow.
• When I slow down, I can taste and enjoy the amazing flavor of oranges – and I notice the oily, chemical flavor of packaged cookies.  Ok, the chemical flavor is subtle, and it DOES pair with sweet and yummy can’t resist sometimes.  But it’s there if you slow down to notice.
• I can see – and appreciate – the way light makes my kids’ hair glow, the tiny shadows that help us see three dimensions in drawings – and the drop of mustard on my son’s shirt on picture day.
• I love the way my heart feels when I’m standing in the middle of the choir – and everyone is singing some fantastic piece of old music just right, and all the voices are blending into a lyrical, awesome celebration.
• I love the way fall feels cold and crisp on the edges, warm and cozy on the inside.
• I love being able to run through a corn maze with my kids.
• I love the feeling of belly laughs, cuddles and gross, slurpy kisses from my dog.  and my kids.
• I love the feeling of books and the sights, sounds and smells of book stores and libraries.
• I love the fact that my body WORKS.  I can walk and talk and run and play.  I can eat (and eliminate!) and itch and scratch.  I can bleed – and donate blood.  I can feel so good – and feel so bad.  What a miracle.

There are so many reasons – and ways – to love our bodies.

What do YOU love about your body?

Ami

p.s. – if you liked this post, please consider sharing.

Wow.

How many of us actually KNOW what we love more than anything else?

Alysa had auditioned for the music program at Virginia Commonwealth University – and was turned down as not quite ready, whatever that means.  While she had grown up auditioning for – and getting – many singing roles, she was not doing anything currently with her singing.  School and work consumed so much time, you see.

I wanted to shake Alysa, to sit her down and give her a good talking to.  But I don’t know Alysa, so I just told her to do SOMETHING, anything with her singing.

If Alysa were my friend, I would tell her:

1. You are SO LUCKY to have this talent – and, on top of the talent, you have this love of  singing, a love so strong that you don’t hesitate to identify it as your one true love.  That’s a blessing.
2. You are young and the world sits before you, and business school is such a practical course, BUT! Business school teaches you how to make money (or not) – it can’t tell you what passion to follow or how to stay energized and motivated in your business.
3. If you follow your passion, you can figure out a way to pay the bills, AND you will savor that life and wring every drop of flavor from it.

I sure hope Alysa finds a way to follow her heart.  I might have to go back just to check up on her.

My questions for you:

1. Do you KNOW what the thing you love more than anything else is?  (What is it?)
2. WHAT are you doing about the thing you love???  (Share!)

Please share your answers in the comments!

As for me, I’m wishing for one true love – I feel like I could love many things (writing, photography, music, art . . . )  But I am taking steps to do more of what I love.  I wish I had Alysa’s focus!

Love to hear your stories.  What would you tell Alysa?

Ami

A couple of days ago Josh published a guest post from Roman, who asserted that libraries were horrible wastes of resources. I was astonished and appalled that ANYONE could feel that way about libraries, and I rushed to defend what had been and still is one of my favorite places to visit.

The result?  A Ferocious Rebuttal to “Why I Never Go to the Public Library”

Do you know how much stuff your library offers – for free?  Get a sense of it by reading the post.

How about you?  Love libraries or hate them?

Ami

Isn’t there?

This conversation gave me an idea for a way to test your priorities.  We all can identify something as our top priority, and we might tell ourselves and others that that thing is the top priority.  Maybe God is your top priority.  Maybe family is.  Maybe it’s something else. What do YOU identify as your top priority?

Take this test and see if your priority really IS your top priority.

1. Time test:  How much time do you dedicate to your identified priority (let’s call it your IP)?
   • How many hours in a day do you spend on your IP?
   • How many hours in a day do you spend on your job?
   • How many minutes or hours in a day do you spend surfing the internet – or watching TV (or otherwise procrastinating)?
   • How many minutes or hours in a day do you spend shopping?
   • How many minutes or hours in a day do you spend sleeping, showering, commuting, eating or otherwise taking care of daily needs?
   • How does the time you spend on your IP compare to the time you spend on the other activities?  Do you dedicate the most or the best hours of your day to your IP?
2. Money Test: Does the way you spend your money align with the way you want to order your priorities?
   • How much money do you spend on your IP in a month?
   • How much money do you spend on clothes in a month?
   • How much money do you spend on your cable subscription, deluxe cell phone package, internet hook-up, Netflix subscription, magazine subscriptions, dining out, gifts?
   • How much money do you spend on hobbies?
   • How does the way you spend your money reflect on your prioritization of your IP versus your prioritization of other non-essential expenses in your life?
3. Interruption test: What item wins an interruption?
   • If you’re watching TV or surfing the internet – will you happily stop to focus on your IP?
   • What if you’re eating or sleeping or in the shower?
   • What if you’re working?
4. Quality time test: Do you multitask while attending to your IP?
   • Will you answer your cell phone, respond to text messages or attend to other interruptions while engaged with your IP?
   • Do you take any steps to minimize the chance of interruptions while engaged with your IP?

NOTE: There are no right or wrong answers

You might be spending more time, money and attention on your IP or you might not.

If your time, resources and attention are focused on your IP – and you feel good about this allocation – GREAT.  Your values are aligned with your actions, carry on.

HOWEVER, if your test results suggest that your time, resources and attention are not focused on your IP, that doesn’t mean you’re a bad person.  Maybe your IP . . . is NOT really your IP.  Sometimes we identify something as a priority because it’s a priority for our parents, family or friends, even if it’s really not a priority for us.  Anyone ever sign up to support a charity, to lose weight or to buy Tupperware because of pressure from others?  It’s easy to adopt someone else’s priorities – especially if you haven’t taken the opportunity to identify and flesh out your priorities for yourself. If you think this is the case for you, well, sounds like it’s time for a retreat or just some time alone to think about your priorities, to identify what’s most important in YOUR life – and then choose to align your time, treasure and attention with what’s important.

Now, if you KNOW what your IP is, but your time, resources and attention are not focused on your IP because, well, you weren’t really thinking about it, it’s time to figure out what you want to do with your life.  If you’re reading this post, you want to live a life that matters, a life that has meaning.  To live a meaningful life, identify your values – AND live by them.  Start to spend more of your time, your talent and your focus on those things that you know to be important.  This is hard at first – but stick with it.  You may surprise yourself.  And in the end, your life will align with your values.

So – how did you do?  Are you aligned?  Is it time for an adjustment?  (which type?)

thanks for sharing,

Ami

Update: p.s. – Becky Blanton wrote a great article about her fresh take on time management.  Rather than handling time management in a mechanical, efficiency-based manner, Becky addresses time management in a values-based manner.  So, once you’ve got your priorities straight, head on over to Becky’s site to figure out how to align your time with your priorities.  Warning: Becky writes with tremendous (sometimes blistering) honesty on her site.  Be sure you can take the heat!