40s Singleness-Dating in Your 40s

40s Singleness Grows Up!

noreply@blogger.com (lisa q.) — Fri, 01 Aug 2008 12:00:00 +0000

So I've been promising you that soon I would announce the new site and the new partner and the day has finally come!
Today is the official launch of 20-forty.com! 20-forty is the new brainchild of yours truly and my beautiful eldest daughter, Kira. That's right. Kira is the new partner.

You've read a couple of her guest posts here on 40s Singleness and now you will get to read even more of her wonderful writing on a regular basis. How frickin' cool is that?!

20-forty.com is our new home where we offer relationship advice because well, love isn’t always 20/20. 20-forty.com will provide a unique perspective on dating and relationships. That’s because we'll offer an ageless perspective on love. Lisaq, as you know, writes from the perspective of a 40something woman who’s been there, done that and bought the T-shirt in the dating and relationship game, while Kira is a 20something with a very different outlook.

We are a mother-daughter team on a mission to prove that relationship advice isn’t “one size fits all.” Love, relationships and even breakups are all unique and the keys to getting through it all are equally as unique. The one thing that holds true for all of us is that, to an extent, we control the direction our lives take. We are given paths and the opportunity to take whichever path we choose. If we choose the wrong path, it is up to us to take a lesson from our mistakes and move on. After all, as I said, love isn’t always 20/20.

Our topics and categories will include dating and relationships, living single, behind closed doors (sex & intimacy), and break up & divorce. All from a unique age related perspective. There’s something for everyone at 20-forty.com!

And don't panic! The spirit and tradition of 40s Singleness is alive and well at 20-forty.com. It will not go away. It has just grown up and moved into a new home. I have been very blessed to have you as readers. Relationships and friendships have grown here and I look forward to continuing them.

So visit us often at 20-forty.com. Don't forget to update your links and bookmarks!

Mr. Unavailable and The Fallback Girl-Part 2

noreply@blogger.com (lisa q.) — Thu, 31 Jul 2008 14:19:00 +0000

When I read Part I of Mr. Unavailable & The Fallback Girl, I had a lot of light bulb moments. There were many ‘aha’s’ and more tears. I saw myself in much of what I read and the men in my past in even more of it.

I recognized that I was indeed a Fallback Girl and, therefore, emotionally unavailable myself. I’ll be honest enough to tell you that it was a difficult, but life changing time for me.

I had spent time on my journey already making changes and taking time to fall in love with myself. I had been to counseling and realized the impact my past and my mom have had on my present. But it truly was not until I discovered NML’s Baggage Reclaim and began reading her book that I figured out just how much work there was still to do.

One of the things that I love about NML and her work is that she doesn’t pull any punches. She puts it all out there and doesn’t coddle and some of us need that tough love. I need that tough love. Maybe you need it too.

In Part 2 tough love is definitely on the menu. I got to meet myself, the Fallback Girl, in vivid detail. If I had any doubt before, the illusions were stripped away and left me without any doubt.

The Fallback Girl in All Her Glory

One of the things that you need to know first is that she’s as emotionally unavailable as Mr. Unavailable. It’s one of the reasons she attracts him. They are both commitment phobic and, though different things may drive them, they both have issues and baggage to overcome.

In the case of the Fallback Girl, she has low self-esteem and self worth. She probably believes herself not good enough or not deserving of love and relationship with a healthy man. Sound like anyone you know?

NML says this about the Fallback Girl:

There are three things that are driving everything that you do and they’re your low self-esteem, your trust, and your fears. Being with Mr. Unavailable and any man for that matter that helps to keep you in a cycle of negativity is about pursuing men and relationships that reflect the negative things that you believe about yourself.

Old beliefs of not being good enough, of not being loveable and worthy will trip you up every time. And, if you don’t deal with them, you’ll continue to attract EUMs and wonder why you just can’t meet a nice guy.

The Fallback Girl by Category

There are 5 categories of Fallback Girls. They are:

The Yo Yo Girl
Meet yours truly. When I was reading this section, I kept thinking “Whoa. This is me. This is me.” Sure enough, next thing I knew there was one of my quotes. Yep. This is me.

The Yo Yo Girl is the girl who keeps letting Mr. Unavailable pull her in and push her away on a regular basis. She attracts the Bad Penny and lets him leave and re-enter her life. He’ll go away for awhile and the turn up like the Bad Penny he is, and she lets him right back in.

The Other Woman
The OW is that Fallback Girl that is involved with assclowns who are cheating on their wives or girlfriends. She suffers immensely from Second Best Syndrome and knows that, someday, he really will leave his wife for her. Except that, of course, he never does.

She believes that she is not good enough to be number one in his life and may play second best in other areas of her life as well.

The Fixers and Healers
These include both The Renovator and Florence Nightengale. These are the Fallback Girls who are trying to turn a pig’s ear into silk. They attract men they aren’t really interested in and try to make him the perfect man.

This can mean anything from changing his hair and his style to trying to cure his addictions. Meet assclown #3. This obviously tells you that I also fit into the Fixers and Healers category. Of course, as we have seen, that didn’t quite work out for me, did it?

The Flogger
Ah, The Flogger. This is the girl who’s going to beat a dead horse until she finally gets what she wants. An engagement ring, him moving in, or a baby. Whatever means the relationship is moving to the next level. Except that it never does and she just keeps flogging away.

He’ll never give her what she wants and what she thinks she needs because he knows she’ll stick around regardless.

The Over-Giver
This Fallback Girl gives and gives and gives and is always disappointed that doesn’t receive in return. She believes in tit for tat and can’t understand why she is doing all of the giving and Mr. Unavailable is doing all of the receiving.

Over-Givers are the queen of the second guessers. They never just sit back and wait to see if someone will give to them. Their insecurities lead them to believe that the only way people will give to them is if they lead by example. They are sure that people won’t be around them if they don’t give, give, give. They are “yes” girls. You won’t find them telling him, or anyone else, “No."

The Bottom Line

If you see yourself even a little bit in any of these girls, you have to stop now. Download Mr. Unavailable & The Fallback Girl and start figuring why you do what you do and how to clear old beliefs. You won’t attract a healthy, emotionally available man until you do. Period.

NML says:

Therefore, when you continually draw to yourself a certain type of relationship, when you notice a pattern in your life's behaviour and when you repeatedly find yourself dealing with the same issues, you will know that the "trouble" lies within you...and not with the other person...When this discovery is made, it is then possible to have conscious relationships. Rather than reacting to what happens around you, it is possible to look within yourself and discover what part of you has been "feeding” the situation.

You have to get real. You have to get honest. You have to understand that even though the men in your life probably were Mr. Unavailables, you were the “only recurring character in each relationship.”

This book is supposed to give you many Epiphany Moments to connect with and help you have your Epiphany Relationship because there really is no escaping the truth of these relationships.

And it will do that if you give it half a chance. It will be the ammunition you need to become aware of your triggers and to begin to get healthy.

More to Come

In Part 3, NML discusses how to get healthy and how to spot red flags and move onto healthy relationships with emotionally available men. As this has already become a million miles long, look for more from Part 3 tomorrow on 20-forty.com.

There are also some things that NML discusses about communication and assumptions that are worth discussing in detail. Look for those next week on 20-forty.com.

Wordless Wednesday Eye Candy-Will Smith Edition

noreply@blogger.com (lisa q.) — Wed, 30 Jul 2008 12:49:00 +0000

This one's for SheComesFirst!

Apologies and Car Accidents

noreply@blogger.com (lisa q.) — Tue, 29 Jul 2008 11:35:00 +0000

I had every intention of posting a review of Mr. Unavailable & The Fallback Girl today, but my daughter was in a very bad car accident on Saturday afternoon. I had to rush back to Wichita after being home from there less than an hour and spent the rest of Saturday, all of Sunday and yesterday morning taking care of that.

As a result, I didn't get have an opportunity to finish reading the fabulous book or get the review written. I promise to have it done and the review posted Thursday so be sure to tune in then.

For those of you who have sent well wishes to Kaci, thank you. She is healing and recovering. The car is dead, but the girl is okay which is something to very grateful for as you can see from the picture of the car.

Hugs to all of you!

The Dating Without Drama First Date Quiz

noreply@blogger.com (lisa q.) — Sun, 27 Jul 2008 12:38:00 +0000

Not sure how the first date went? Feel like maybe it was good, but you're just not sure? What better way to take a little quiz to judge how it went.

Try Paige Parker's Dating Without Drama first date quiz. It's pretty quick and easy and will give you a pretty clear picture how the date went from your perspective.

Jot down the answer that best applies to your date:

1. When the date began, you were...

a) Excited to see him; looking forward to the night
ahead.

b) Nervous and anxious, but in a good way.

c) Calm, cool and collected... come to think of it,
maybe a little TOO calm.

d) Wondering why you agreed to go out with him in the
first place and antsy to get the heck outta there.

2. Let's talk appearance. How did your guy look?

a) Fine. He was clearly showered and wearing clean
clothes, which is all that really matters to you.

b) Hot with a capital "H." He must have put a lot of
effort into getting ready for the date, which you
noticed - and appreciated.

c) Hmmm.... you didn't actually notice. You were too
busy planning your escape route.

d) Like a slob. His shirt was wrinkly and his hair was
doing that "bed-head" thing. But maybe that's the
look he was going for?

3. How about the date he planned? Were you impressed?

a) You had a drink in the neighborhood/grabbed dinner
in a low-key restaurant/etc. It didn't matter to you
that it wasn't extravagant, you were just enjoying
his company.

b) LAME - O! Bowling/A Movie/A Coffeehouse?!? He couldn't
have picked anything you'd be LESS interested in if he
tried.

c) Perfect. He knew that Thai food was your favorite,
and picked an amazing restaurant you'd never been to
before. You were blown away.

d) The date that HE planned?!? More like the date that
YOU planned! Well it would have been great if the
guy you were out with actually had a PULSE.

4. Now for the most important part: Conversation.
How'd that go?

a) Like...pulling...teeth.

b) Amazing. You talked about everything, and by the end
you were finishing each other's sentences like you'd
known each other for years.

c) You did most of the talking, but he was probably just
nervous. Hopefully he'll reciprocate more on the second
date.

d) The conversation flowed, but based on what you talked
about you're not sure you have much in common with one
another.

5) At the end of the night, how did you feel about the
possibility of a goodnight kiss?

a) Not exactly sure. You were hoping you'd have a "gut
feeling" in the moment if he tried to kiss you.

b) Heck no! You weren't letting that freak anywhere near
your lips. He's lucky you made it through dinner.

c) You were totally into the idea, hoping he'd try to
smooch you at the end of the night.

d) Goodnight kiss? You were making out after the second
round of drinks...and that was BEFORE dinner!

Scoring:

1. a = 6 b = 4 c = 2 d = 0

2. a = 4 b = 6 c = 0 d = 2

3. a = 4 b = 2 c = 6 d = 0

4. a = 0 b = 6 c = 4 d = 2

5. a = 2 b = 0 c = 6 d = 4

Now add your points from each question. If your total is:

22 - 30 ..... Ding, ding, ding! We have a winner! This was a
great first date, at least from your point of
view. I don't need to tell you that if he asks
you on a second date, you should say yes!

14 - 21 ..... Potential dateability. There are so many factors
at play on a first date that can affect how you
see someone - his nerves, your nerves, unrealistic
expectations, preconceived notions, just to name a
few - so if you find yourself still interested in
this guy now that the night is over, take it as a
very good sign. This guy's got potential.

0 - 13 ..... Don't settle. Be honest with yourself - he didn't
grab your attention, hold your interest, or float
your boat, so don't waste any more of your time on
him. There are other great guys out there to focus
your energy on.

How you did you do? Did he pass in your eyes? If you'd like to find out what he thought, you can download Paige Parker's ebook for Part 2 of the quiz.

Silly Saturday Dating Humor

noreply@blogger.com (lisa q.) — Sat, 26 Jul 2008 14:00:00 +0000

Funny Relationship Pics And More and How To Get Your Ex Back

Denial...Thy Name is Mr. Unavailable!

noreply@blogger.com (lisa q.) — Thu, 24 Jul 2008 12:00:00 +0000

You just have to love people who are in such denial that they can't see the forest for the trees don't you? People who think they're all that and a bag of chips and well...aren't. People who think that the world revolves around them when well...it doesn't. And, my personal favorite, people who think they are emotionally available and well...are so far away from it that it would take the world spinning off its axis to make it so.

NML, in Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl, explains emotional unavailability like this:

When you experience someone who is emotionally unavailable it refers to their inability to access their emotions and their tendency to appear emotionally distant. This inability to connect effectively and healthily with themselves or others manifests itself in a variety of habits that perpetuate the unavailability by creating situations that allow them to remain unavailable. Emotionally unavailable people struggle with commitment. Whether they have to make the decision to put both feet into the relationship or take both feet out, emotionally unavailable people will struggle to do either one because they seem to exist in a limbo state that enables them to maintain the status quo.

NML knows her stuff. She told me once that if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it's a damn duck. And yet so many people who are emotionally unavailable see themselves as anything but a duck. In fact, they really believe they are ruler of the roost, king of jungle, lord of the manor.

There's a very good reason for that actually. You see, if you are not emotionally connected to yourself, and they're not, you simply cannot, or will not, see that unavailability. To see it, to admit it, would mean admitting that they are not all that and a bag of chips.

Then, they wouldn't be able to function in their world as they know it because it would be too uncomfortable. They would have to admit that they need to make changes and change sucks. It's hard. It's uncomfortable and it requires complete and total honesty about who and what you are.

The real truth of the matter is that someone who is emotionally unavailable is totally opposite of what they show the world. The are commitment phobic and suffer from low self esteem.

Let's look at these one by one.

The commitment phobe...
Commitment phobes are terrified of commitment at all costs. They are terrified of committing themselves to anything be it a relationship or to change. And don't let them fool you. Many of them have been or are married or in relationships. One assclown actually told me once that he knew he wasn't afraid of commitment because he had been married twice. So. I've been married 4 times. I was as commitment phobic as they come until I realized what my issues were and that I needed to make changes. In fact, being married 4 times probably helped me become commitment phobic. Marrieds who cheat? Completely unavailable and they're married.

The self esteem lacker...
Those who have a low self esteem are often those people who completely over value themselves to the world. It's kind of like bullies. Bullies bully because they don't feel good about themselves. EUMs bully in relationships. They choose fallback girls so they can jerk them around and feel good about themselves. It, emotionally unavailability, strokes their egos. NML says, "These men actually think they’re a good catch!" They "use, dismiss, and fall back" on women to give themselves an ego boost.

Many EUMs will make noise about how they couldn't possibly be emotionally unavailable. They are full of rationalizations and justifications. They may sometimes talk about changing, but talk is all it is. There is no walking the walk.

And yes, EUMs need fallback girls to operate. They couldn't do it successfully and for as long as they have without them. They don't function in isolation. But, of course, they'll blame it on the women because well...there couldn't possibly be anything wrong with them!

Wordless Wednesday Eye Candy-Jason Statham Edition

noreply@blogger.com (lisa q.) — Wed, 23 Jul 2008 12:59:00 +0000

This one's for Cheekie!

Want to be featured on Wordless Wednesday Eye Candy? Just email your picture to me and you too can be WWEC!

What Is Going Slow Really?

noreply@blogger.com (lisa q.) — Tue, 22 Jul 2008 12:00:00 +0000

No. Really. People say it all the time in dating...especially if you've had a recent break up or maybe a not so fabulous track record. Go slow. Okay. But what the hell does that really mean. In dating, what's the real definition of 'go slow?'
Don't get me wrong, especially for us fallback girls, it's good advice. Many of us are hard wired to meet a man one day and, boom, be in a relationship the next. So I get that going too fast is a bad thing. Believe me. I do.

Here's how I know it's bad. Consider assclown #4. We met in April, moved in together in July, got engaged in September and married in December. Boom! Too fast! And, well, we all know how that turned out don't we? So really, I understand not going too fast.

It's the going slow thing I'm struggling with. Now, I do get part of it. The sex part. I understand enough to know jumping into bed in a New York minute is too fast. I got that. First date? No, bad. Second date. Probably not. Third date? Depends on who you talk to. Not until you're exclusive? Maybe.

Okay, so despite what it sounds like I really do have the sex part down. I get it. It's about comfort with the new guy and with the relationship. It's about judging whether he's real or Memorex. Lots of variables involved. Got it.

But what about outside of that? Because I think this is where I get lost. Let me try to explain.

You all know that I had a first date with TDIB a few weeks ago. Now, I am all about taking this one slow. My definition means that he and I exchange short, sweet emails almost daily. We've talked on the phone a handful of times. Nice phone calls of reasonable length. We are working at setting up seeing each other again hopefully this week. Slow. Right? We are taking our time getting to know each other and seeing where it all leads. Good. Right?

Now my girl G, on the other hand, has also met someone. Though I haven't spent much time with him, he seems nice. All of us, G's friends, are telling her to take it slow. Her relationship with a very nasty EUM only ended a few months ago. So, G has told the nice man she wants to take it slow. Yet, she talk to him daily on the phone and has seen him several times in the last couple of weeks.

Now, granted TDIB lives in Wichita...about an hour and a half drive from Map Dot. G's dude is more local. So, I get that makes a difference. Both of us are claiming to take it slow, yet my slow feels like a frickin' snail's pace compared to G's slow. And, as I told her yesterday, when she was telling me that she was going to see him last night and maybe again later in the week, I may have to play my bullshit card.

Why? It doesn't seem slow. Then again maybe it's because, as I said, I'm hella lost about what slow means. If you're not sleeping with someone but still having at least one and maybe more phone conversations a day and seeing them a few times a week, is that slow? Or is almost daily emails and a few phone calls together with one date and one planned date slow?

Or does it really vary so much by person because I get that G & I are different people. The thing is though that we have similar childhood and relationship pasts. Do the differences make the difference or do the similarities determine the path?

Thoughts?

How Do You Approach an Older Woman?

noreply@blogger.com (lisa q.) — Sun, 20 Jul 2008 13:13:00 +0000

Kevin asks:

Hi there, I am sure that you get many messages like this. I am (late 20s) really into the mature women(late 30s - 40s) but I do not know how to approach them. Can you help me with this?

The answer lies in the reasons why older women are attracted to younger men.

Many older women who date and are attracted to younger men are attracted to specific things about them. Though many people are quick to think it's all about the sex, that isn't always the case.

First, many older women are attracted to the energy a younger man brings to the table. They love that younger men have a lot of energy and know how to have a good time. In my case, I find older men too serious and too concerned about their careers, their material things, and well...retirement.

I'm a firm believer that life is meant to be lived in the moment. Retirement will come one day and obviously we should plan for it, but that doesn't mean we should be counting down just yet. There's too much to miss today if we do that. Younger men get that and it's very attractive.

The second thing is a generational thing I think. Older men can sometimes be threatened by a successful, independent woman. Younger men, not so much. They are completely comfortable with a woman who lives for herself, thinks for herself, and supports herself without needing a man. There's a respect for accomplishment and independence.

And, of course, there's the sex. While not necessarily a reason in itself, the sex is definitely a bonus. My ex-husband relied on the little blue pill; the men I've dated since not so much. 'Nuff said.

So, from my point of view at least, a younger man wanting to date older women needs to embody these things. If you do and are comfortable and confident with yourself, you shouldn't have any problems at all.

Approach them with respect, use humor, and let them see that you are having fun and enjoying life. All of that being said, if you're serious about dating them and not just bagging a Cougar, you may need to reassure them of that.

Those of us who seriously date younger men, are offended by younger men trying to just get us into bed so they can add a Cougar to the notches in their bed posts.

Lance, from Honey & Lance, recently wrote a great post about older men who are looking to date younger women for Dad's House that you might find helpful as well.

Though his tips are for those older men, there are some great tips that apply. Older women are looking for what Lance advices older men younger women are looking for. It's much of what attracts us to them.

No Love For Dallas Dating Service

noreply@blogger.com (lisa q.) — Sat, 19 Jul 2008 12:27:00 +0000

The Better Business Bureau has received 55 complaints against Dallas' The Right One. The dating service, which boasts 40,000 members, says taking care of its members is its number one priority. Not all members feel they've been taken care of. Though The Right One has offered to refund "Jane's" money and give her a free lifetime membership, she says "No, thanks," and warns singles to stay away from them.

The First Mr. Unavailable in My Life

noreply@blogger.com (lisa q.) — Thu, 17 Jul 2008 13:32:00 +0000

You may remember about 4 months ago, I did a review of Part 1 NML's Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. You can read it here. Well, NML has now released the complete book including Parts 2 & 3 available for download here. Look for a review of the entire book next week.

Anyway, I've begun reading Part 2 and was reading how our relationships with our parents affect our relationships with men. And, I realized I've never stopped to think about how my relationship with my dad has affected my relationships.

I've talked a lot about my relationship with my mom. I've thought a lot about my relationship with my mom, but I never even considered my relationship with my dad.

When talking to Kira about this, her own dad abandoned her when she was a year old, she said, "Yeah, but you have a great relationship with Papa." Yes, I do, but the truth is that I didn't always. Up until I was 17 there wasn't much of a relationship at all.

In fact, my memories of my dad growing up were of him sitting in his recliner reading a newspaper while the rest of the world went on around him. My mom was obviously in charge and he was just...well, there. He held himself back from us and let my mom deal with everything. The only time he really became involved was when she would say, "Aren't you going to do something about her?" Ugh...

When I was 17, things changed. I was a Senior in high school and it seemed everyone I knew was allowed to go and do without much restriction. Everyone except me. I had a midnight curfew and felt very stifled. After all, I was going to graduate high school in a few months and head off to college soon after that. Why should I still have a curfew? Silly, I thought, and totally unreasonable.

So, I planned a little rebellion. I would run away. Not so they couldn't find me. I'd tell them where I was. But I wouldn't come home until they agreed to lift the curfew. I packed some things and left them a note telling them I was at my best friend's house and that I wasn't coming home until things changed.

Off I went to my girl Carol's house. Sure enough, later in the evening, they tracked me down. My dad was completely devastated. I'd never seen him so upset and I don't mean angry. He was hurt and sad. It turns out that he had never parented because he didn't feel he knew how. His own dad had died when he was 13 and he felt ill equipped. Rather than try and fail, he just didn't try.

Our relationship changed that day. My dad & I became very close as a result and still are. He is my hero, my protector, my daddy. The dad every girl wants. My 11 year old nephew was teasing me the other day because I was talking about my dad and kept calling him daddy. How old are you? Forty five but he's still my daddy.

Thing is he wasn't my daddy when I was growing up. He was unavailable. He was dad...the guy in the recliner reading the newspaper. In the days when I was figuring out relationships and how they were supposed to go, things were different.

It taught me that men were emotionally unavailable and that's what I sought out in later years. And, the truth of the matter is, beyond that I don't have it all figured out yet. It's something very new that I realize I have to examine.

No, I'm not looking for an excuse. I'm looking for old beliefs that need healed and cleared so that I can get on with things. You can't fix what you don't know is broken.

Thoughts?

Wordless Wednesday Eye Candy-Jon Bon Jovi Edition

noreply@blogger.com (lisa q.) — Wed, 16 Jul 2008 13:49:00 +0000

Want to be featured on Wordless Wednesday Eye Candy? Just email your picture to me and you too can be WWEC!

My Top 3 fave Curse words, Tell-0ff's, and Comebacks

noreply@blogger.com (lisa q.) — Tue, 15 Jul 2008 13:28:00 +0000

Well, Cheekie started it, but it's up to me to continue it. She & I were practicing our colorful language yesterday via text and this lovely meme is what grew out of it! Have fun! Ummmm...there will be expletives involved!

Lisaq's Top 3 Curse Words
Fuck (Yep, I said it and, truth be told, I say it often.)
Dumbass (Isn't is said that I know that many dumbasses that dumbass is my 2nd fav curse word?)
Bullshit (I deal with a lot of dumbasses full of bullshit. What can I say?)

Lisaq's Top 3 Tell Offs
Why don't you go fuck yourself? (Yep, I said it again. What did you expect really?)
Kiss my lily white ass! (What? It is...lily white, I mean!)
Bite me! (Or as a good friend of mine used to always say, fuck you! Bite me! She had to get 'em both in there.)

Lisaqs Top 3 Comebacks
Awww. You had a thought? Did it hurt?
I don't want to rain on your parade. I wanna blow up the floats. (Okay, I stole that one from Law & Order, but I love it!)
Done! Next!

Tagging...Will, Sane and Single, Sue, Trista and anyone else in the blogosphere that Cheekie hasn't already tagged! Haha...just kidding girl. I love ya!

A Time Limit on Love? -- Guest Post

noreply@blogger.com (lisa q.) — Mon, 14 Jul 2008 14:08:00 +0000

NOTE: This one is written by none other than my beautiful baby daughter, Kaci!

Someone once asked me if loved is based on time. Questions such as are there certain steps in relationships that you must take and that require certain lengths of time before you get there. How many articles have you seen in which the title starts with “how long before…?” or “how many dates before…?” Even things like should you kiss on the first date?

If you see those articles, please rip them in half. Don’t listen to them. Love has no time limit. The reason it seems like it does is because people like to judge. People judge other's relationships and say that there's no way they can be in love they haven't known each other long enough.

Love doesn’t happen after one week, one month, one year, so on and so forth. As the relationship progresses, love blossoms. It is different for every couple. I think it’s wrong to tell someone they can’t be or aren’t in love because it hasn’t been long enough. Some people want to move slow and set a sort of time frame for themselves, others want to move fast.

And although I don’t believe in time limits, I do believe in moving too fast. People get so caught up in new relationships they don’t take the time to focus on the relationship itself and don’t give everything the relationship needs.

But I’m not saying these relationships can’t work out in the long run because I absolutely believe they can. It isn’t how long you’ve known someone, it’s how MUCH you know about them. Along the same lines, people often judge teenagers who say they are in love, saying they are too young to be in love.

Love isn’t like alcohol, you don’t have to be 21 to feel it. I believe a fifteen year old can fall in love just as easily as a 26 year old can. I think most people use time limits and age limits as excuses for reasons why relationships end. You shouldn’t use “we moved too fast” as an excuse, it didn’t work out because you weren’t meant to be together, not because you moved too fast. Love doesn’t have a time limit or an age limit, love is love.

Giving Dating Advice-Are the Blind Leading the Blind?

noreply@blogger.com (lisa q.) — Sun, 13 Jul 2008 14:04:00 +0000

Here's the thing. I never claimed to be a dating expert. Someone called me a dating guru once, but I'm pretty sure he'd been drinking...a lot! The truth of the matter is I'm not an expert. I'm just a 40something girl who's trying to muddle her way the challenges of dating in her 40s, and I have learned some things along the way. Things that I hope will help others trying to figure it all out.

Lord knows there are tons of dating/relationship blogs out there. There are dating/relationship articles on Match.com, Yahoo personals, MSN, etc. etc. Some are authored by dating experts-dating coaches, psychologists, counselors. And some are written by everyday, ordinary people who have learned some things in their dating/relationship journey.

In my case, what I've learned, even recently, has been invaluable for me to find the partner and relationship I'm looking for. The one I deserve. So, while I may not be an expert, there are some things that I know.

*I know that dating in your 40s is very different from dating in your younger years. It brings with it a whole new set of challenges.

*I know that some dating issues are universal. Whether you're 40someting or 20something, there are some things that transcend those age lines.

*I know that I have learned so much from other peoples' experiences. Therefore, I hope others can learn from mine.

*I know that I have come a hella long way from where I started. While, I don't pretend to have all the answers, I have a lot more answers than I did in the beginning.

*I know that I have also learned from your comments and the discussions that have taken place here and, again, I hope others have as well.

*I know that 40s Singleness is, for me, about my journey. I write to learn things about myself, to process things that have happened in my dating life, to share that journey.

I never set out to do anything but share my experiences with other people facing the same challenges and yet, I believe, experience is in itself the best teacher. So if you're here because you've been tippin' the bottle and you think I'm a dating guru, you'd better click the little X and move on.

On the other hand, if you're here because you enjoy learning a little something as I stumble along the path and you're enjoying the journey, please stick around and come back often. There's still a lot to learn; still a long ways to go.

Have I learned it all? Do I have all the answers? Unequivocally, no! I'm still learning; still wandering along the path figuring things out. I'm taking the journey one step at a time and, sometimes, I take a couple of steps back which serves to remind me there's still a lot to learn. From all of this I have learned it's not so much the destination, but the journey that matters.

Thoughts?

Online Dating 101-Match.com Finally Comes Through!

noreply@blogger.com (lisa q.) — Fri, 11 Jul 2008 12:00:00 +0000

My Match.com subscription ended last month and, as I've said, I decided not to renew it. Before it ended though, I had begun corresponding with someone from Wichita. We actually had plans to meet a few weeks ago, but they fell through at the last minute. I really thought letting the subscription expire and calling it a day was the way to go.

And since this guy, the one who canceled, hadn't contacted me since I thought that was best let it go too. He didn't really seem interested. Then, out of nowhere, he called me last week.

You could have knocked me over with a feather. We talked for awhile and I told him I was planning to be in Wichita for a few days this week. We made plans to meet last night.

Can I just say holy crap? Talk about an incredible evening. I can honestly tell you that lil lisaq hasn't had a date that fantastic in years! Yes, years.

The evening began at Fox & Hound where we met for drinks. Since it was a first meet, we planned to keep it short, so a little over an hour later we had made plans to see each other again and said good night.

I hadn't driven very far when TDIB (tall, dark & incredibly beautiful!) called to say that he wasn't ready for the evening to end! Did I already say holy crap? I turned my car around and we spent about another hour sitting and talking on the waterfront.

It was awesome! He was awesome. Conversation was easy and comfortable. We talked about what we were looking for in a partner, what had attracted us to each other's profiles and what attracts us to someone in general.

I'll tell you what I told him about what attracted me to his profile. You know how some people are always saying they are looking for someone to complete them? And how I've always said that what you need to find is someone who compliments you? Uh huh. TDIB said pretty much just that in his profile.

It was so nice to finally meet someone that I am looking forward to spending more time with and getting to know better. Someone who seems to view relationships in the same way and who is looking for some of the same things.

Give up on Match.com? What the hell was I thinking?

Adult Friend Finder-Meet Sexy Singles

noreply@blogger.com (lisa q.) — Thu, 10 Jul 2008 12:28:00 +0000

It might surprise you to see lisaq writing about Adult FriendFinder, but did you know that AFF actually has more visitors than eHarmony, Match.com and Yahoo personals put together? Yep, it's true. It is truly a force to be reckoned with in the online dating/personals game.

So, just how big is Adult FriendFinder? AFF, the world's largest sex and swinger site has nearly 20 million members!

No matter what you're looking for from open minded couples to singles to groups, it's there. But be warned. When they say adult, they mean adult. Adult FriendFinder is not for the demure or faint at heart. It's all about the sex.

Features include:

Video introductions
Photo albums
Steamy chatrooms
Live webcams
Member blogs

So, if you're looking for a wild time, sign up for Adult FriendFinder today!

Wordless Wednesday Eye Candy

noreply@blogger.com (lisa q.) — Wed, 09 Jul 2008 13:08:00 +0000

Want to be featured on Wordless Wednesday Eye Candy? Just email your picture to me and you too can be WWEC!
*Note: I have no idea of the source of this pic. I received it in an email from a friend (yes, she is a good friend). If you have ownership of the picture, please email me so that I can give credit where credit is due.

How Porn Affects Relationships

noreply@blogger.com (lisa q.) — Tue, 08 Jul 2008 13:06:00 +0000

So when does porn become a problem in relationships? According to Dr. Brenda Shoshanna, it becomes a problem when people begin withdrawing from relationships completely. It also becomes a problem when you start comparing your real partner to the fantasy partners you're viewing. And, as is pointed out, it's not just men viewing porn. More and more women are enjoying porn.

The thing is both partners need to be on board. It's when they're not or it becomes an addiction that it becomes a problem.

For my money, women who see porn as a sign that their partner isn't satisfied are not getting it. It's really not about whether or not someone is sexually satisfied. Many people, especially men, are visually stimulated. Their watching porn has nothing to do with whether or not their partner satisfies them. In fact, many couples enjoy porn together and use it as a tool to enhance their own relationship.

Thoughts?

Expectations of Dating in Dallas

noreply@blogger.com (lisa q.) — Mon, 07 Jul 2008 13:48:00 +0000

The thing about expectations is that sometimes, even when you don't really have any, they can reach right around and bite you in the ass. It can be hard to keep expectations at a realistic level and that's not even the half of it. Why? Because there's another person involved with expectations all their own.

I mean even at its simplest level, dating is full of expectations. From expecting the phone to ring to expecting an email to having high (or low) expectations for a date, they seem to invade our thoughts at every turn.

Even when we try to keep them at a realistic level, we have no control over the other party's expectations. And that can be difficult especially if you don't know what those expectations are.

There has been a lot of talk involving the recent situation with Eathan, and I have been criticized several times for not having my expectations in check. Some people have said that I should have known from reading his site what kind of man he is and that I shouldn't have expected something from him that he isn't capable of giving.

The problem here is that those saying such things have no idea what my expectations were. So perhaps now is as good a time as any to clarify that. During our first phone call, Eathan asked me what I expected. I told him honestly that I was just looking forward to coming to Dallas, meeting him and then seeing what happened from there. He was the one who, in a conversation about my Match.com profile, suggested some things I might want to change. He quickly added, though, that maybe I should wait until after my trip to Texas to do that. Hmmmm...what would that make you think?

Now, it's important to note something here. About that same time, Eathan had posted a post about wanting to change his dating habits. He admitted that he was player and professed to want to put that behind him. That, combined with phone conversations, emails, texts, etc. made me believe he was sincere and that there was more to him than what he portrayed in his blog.

During that 6 weeks leading up to my trip there were a lot of conversations. I was still reading his site and there were times when I began to think that perhaps change was not really coming.

During the entire 6 weeks, I worked hard to keep my expectations in check. As I told Eathan, I honestly had none when I arrived. I didn't know how things would go, I wasn't sure if we would even connect with each other, I just didn't.

But, as happens sometimes with expectations, they changed. Things went really, really well. As I've said, Saturday was wonderful. I felt connected to Eathan, the sex was incredible, and I felt very comfortable with where things were. This is what caused my expectations to change. He set the bar...high.

Before you all get your panties in a twist, understand that my expectations changing does not mean I suddenly felt we were heading for a relationship. I didn't. But if I had left Dallas when Eathan took me back to the hotel on Sunday, things would have been very different. You all would have gotten a very different picture from me. Saneandsingle, my posts would have been, as you said, the posts of a girl excited and in a sex-induced haze!

Unfortunately, that's not the way it played out. As I said, my expectations changed because of our interaction. I felt as if he set the bar and then disappointed. Suddenly, it felt as if he had done a 180 and the truth is, I didn't know what to think or how to react. All I knew was that our interaction, including the sex, went from incredible to 'what the hell just happened here?'

Did I handle things badly? Probably. Would I do things differently given the opportunity? Perhaps. I certainly would like to think so. The truth is I felt as if he pulled away, but I may have as well as I struggled to figure out what the hell had happened.

But at the bottom of this whole sordid mess are expectations, both mine and his. He'll tell you he asked me about my expectations and he did. But he never really expressed his beyond his desire for me to post about his dates so that women out there could get a woman's perspective. He doesn't feel I've done that; I thought I had. I have told him that I'm not sure exactly what he expected in this regard and that perhaps if he could clarify, I would be in a better position to meet his expectations.

All of that aside, I have no idea what he expected from the weekend. He has said that it was about more than sex. Exactly how much more or what his intentions were after the weekend, I don't know.

The general consensus seems to be that I should have been the one to keep my expectations in check and that I should have known what I was getting into. Perhaps. But what about Eathan? He has been reading 40s Singleness for months. He knew from reading my site what kind of woman I am. He knew how I felt about casual sex, he knew my history, he knew my struggles so perhaps his expectations should have been set accordingly as well. And yet, very few people are holding him accountable. It's all been about what I should or shouldn't have expected; what I should or shouldn't have done.

I only know this much. What I hoped to walk away from the weekend with was having had a fabulous time with someone I liked and cared about. I hoped that our friendship was strong enough to withstand whatever we encountered.

It wasn't. And I take responsibility for my part in that. As I posted yesterday, communication is a very difficult thing for me and I certainly had a part in its break down. But communication is a two way street and the responsibility for that break down lies in both our hands. Responsibility for entire debacle, in fact, lies in both our hands. I'm more than willing to stand up here and admit that I played a part in all of it from beginning to end. I only ask that you all realize there are two sides to every story, and it's important that, when telling the story, we both take responsibility for our parts.

Communication Barriers in Dating & Relationships

noreply@blogger.com (lisa q.) — Sun, 06 Jul 2008 13:19:00 +0000

Though we all know how important communication is in dating & relationships, there are times when one or the other partner may have difficulties communicating. It doesn't mean that partner doesn't want to communicate; it just means it something they struggle to do. Many times it has nothing to do with their partner. Rather, it may be because of old beliefs from their past. I am one of those people.

Growing up I was not given the opportunity to express my feelings. They were not considered important. On the few occasions when I tried to do so, I was dismissed or even demeaned. Thus, I learned to keep my feelings to myself.

This pattern which began in childhood continued in my adult relationships. I chose men who didn't value or respect me or my opinions and feelings. If I managed to talk about my feelings, those feelings were pushed aside or ridiculed.

Fast forward 20something years, and you find a girl who has an extremely difficult times expressing her feelings in her relationships with men. The crazy part of the whole thing is that I can sit and talk about my feelings with my daughters or my closest girlfriends, but put a man in front of me that I care about and it becomes something akin to poking my own eyes out.

Everything I want to say is in my head spinning around and around. My stomach tightens and fills with mammoth sized butterflies and nothing comes out of my mouth. The words either just sit there spinning around in my brain or they flat out disappear.

It is more difficult for me than I can even explain. Never even mind the frustration. It registers about 9.5 on the Richter scale causing devastating
consequences.

I have tried very hard to overcome this obstacle as I fully understand the importance of being able to express my feelings in relationships. I get it. I have finally reached the point where I can explain why it's so difficult for me, but I seemed to have plateaued.

So how to fix it? Well, I know what doesn't work. Pressure and pushing. When I am in such a conversation with a man, and my mind feels he is pressuring me or pushing me to talk, I clam up even more. My brain becomes very stubborn and digs its heels in. If there were words in there spinning around, they disappear. The same problem occurs if the man seems cold and uncaring or even impatient.

So, again, how to fix it? I really believe it comes down to finding the right man to be able to draw my feelings out. A friend of mine recently said that it takes a strong man to deal with her and I thought to myself, "Yep. Me too." Except that, in my case, it's going to take more than strength.

It is going to take a man who is empathetic, caring, and compassionate. He will also need to be patient. Rather than pushing and pressuring me into talking, he will need to use the right combination of prompting and care.

In other words, I will need to feel safe and secure in the relationship and will need to know that, when my feelings are expressed, they will be received with respect and will be valued.

It's why I am able to talk to my girls and my close friends. I know that whatever I say or how ever I feel, they are going to understand and won't devalued or dismiss.

Thoughts?

Lisaq Does Dallas-The Afterward...

noreply@blogger.com (lisa q.) — Sat, 05 Jul 2008 12:36:00 +0000

If you missed Parts I, II, & The Final Thoughts, you can read them here: Lisaq Does Dallas-Part I, Lisaq Does Dallas-Part II, Lisaq Does Dallas-The Final Thoughts. And be sure to read Eathan's posts as well: Lisaq finally meets Eathan, Sexual Tension Builds, and Mambo Taxis and Corona's.

The thing is that there has been so much more going on for me behind the scenes. Things I hadn't felt comfortable posting until now. Things I needed to think through and try to understand. And, the truth is, I still don't understand it all but I have wrapped my brain around some of it.

I'll begin by saying that Eathan was disappointed in my posting. He felt as if I wrote only shallow references to what he wrote, and perhaps he's right. I tried to write what I felt comfortable with at the time.

But more than that I tried to write with respect and consideration for his feelings. I was hesitant to write what I was feeling because I didn't want to write negative posts. I was trying to spare feelings and it left him feeling cheated.

So, all of that being said, I will give you a more insightful glimpse into my trip to Dallas. Bear in mind that these are MY feelings and impressions and, as such, they are only one perspective. Also realize that I am not trying to bash or flame Eathan. I am only trying to describe my own feelings.

I'll begin all of this by saying that our time together Saturday night and Sunday morning was incredible! Eathan was the perfect date. He was that guy you dream of going out with. He was attentive and funny. His body language and his manner said he wanted to be with me. There was a lot of hand holding, hands on thighs (and other body parts), and kissing.

I think I used the words mind-blowing when I described the sex and indeed it was. I'm still not going to go into intimate detail here, but I will tell you that I felt very connected to him and that it was an experience like I've never had before.

Next morning we lounged in bed and it was very comfortable. I still felt very connected. The intimate moments shared that morning were wonderful and, when he took me back to the hotel to get ready for our day, I was in a spectacular place.

I was very pleased by the way things had progressed. I was on cloud nine cliche as that sounds. I knew that I was in that perfect place. That place that would allow me to return to Map Dot with a smile on my face.

Sadly, the tide turned for me. Eathan returned to pick G & I up for our Sunday lunch and evening at Duke's. During lunch, I felt a shift in Eathan's interaction with me. He was less attentive. Though there were a few moments when he touched my leg or put his arm around me, I didn't feel at all as if he were focused on me.

My mind began spinning as I tried to figure out what the hell had happened. Yesterday, I posted in the Shot at Love Finale post two questions Tila asked. Why? What am I doing wrong?

I began to try to figure out what had happened in those few hours between the time he dropped me off and arrived to pick us up. My mind kept going to that 'what did I do wrong' place. Had I done something to turn him off? Was it something I said, something I did?

When we arrived at Duke's, the feelings remained. He seemed almost aloof. I felt as if I were just another girl at the bar and not his date. What had begun as the perfect date began to spin into worst date territory for me.

Later in the evening he did begin interacting with me more. There was a little more touching and and little more conversation. We left Duke's, went to Whataburger and then back to his place.

It had been a long couple of days. We were both tired. Eathan, in his way, tried to talk to me about how I felt about the night before. Now I will tell you that talking about my feelings is very difficult for me. It's something I struggle with on a daily basis. I try to do my best, but old beliefs and interactions make it very difficult.

Add to that the fact that I didn't perceive the questions he was asking as a discussion of feelings and emotions and things did not go well. He was trying to talk about feelings and emotions; I felt as if he wanted to analyze the sex. I felt pressured and pushed and, though I know that's not what he intended, it caused me to clam up. Finally, we both went to sleep.

The next morning the intimate moments were dissatisfying for me. I felt completely disconnected from him and my brain was in overdrive spinning out of control. I was still trying to figure out what the hell had happened.

When I left Dallas, I was not in a good place and I have spent the week trying to wrap my brain around it all. I couldn't figure out how we went from the most incredible date ever to 'oh my god what just happened here' in what seemed like just a few hours. I felt a shift in those few hours on Sunday and I felt like we never got back to where we were before.

I felt, and still feel, that he pulled away from me. Perhaps I misread or there were other things going on. I don't know. I just know that things did not end in the way I had hoped. I am still trying to come to terms with that.

Please understand that I am not trying in any way to paint Eathan in a negative light. I'm not. I'm only trying to give you my feelings and impressions many of which I am still struggling to figure out.

Thoughts?

A Shot at Love-The finale

noreply@blogger.com (lisa q.) — Fri, 04 Jul 2008 13:18:00 +0000

Yes, I know the finale was 3 days ago. It's been quite the week for me though, so I didn't get a chance to watch until last night. And, I probably wouldn't have posted about it at all, but I was struck by some things Tila said at the end of the episode that hit home for me.

In the finale, with only Bo & Kristy left, Tila struggled to make her decision. She put the 2 finalists through one more challenge and invited a couple of their friends from home to help.

Bo & his buddies won the challenge giving them time with Tila in the strip club first. Kristy & her girls soon crashed the party and all had a good time. Next day Tila had one last date with each contestant. Bo professed his love. Kristy took a much different road.

She expressed her fears and concerns having never been in a relationship with a woman. She told Tila she was scared and Tila reassured her.

At elimination, Tila sent Bo home, but that wasn't the climax. When Tila tried to give Kristy the final key, Kristy turned it down saying she wasn't the right person for Tila because she's not ready for a relationship for a woman; that it's not just a key. It's a relationship she's not ready for. Tila crumbled. Watch the video clip if you missed it.

But here's what struck me? At the end of the episode Tila made this statement, "I'm looking for love, and each person I want to give it to keeps walking out on me. Why? What am I doing wrong?"

I was really struck by the questions. Why? What am I doing wrong? How many of us have ever felt that way. I know that I have. Recently. Thinking about these questions gave me a lot of insight into my own feelings about past relationships and even into my recent date with Eathan. So, even though I posted my final thoughts on that yesterday, I realized there is more that needs to be said. Tune in tomorrow for Lisaq Does Dallas-The Afterward.

(Photo Source)

Lisaq Does Dallas-The Final Thoughts...

noreply@blogger.com (lisa q.) — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 13:41:00 +0000

If you missed Parts I & II, you can read them here: Lisaq Does Dallas-Part I and Lisaq Does Dallas-Part II. And be sure to read Eathan's posts as well: Lisaq finally meets Eathan, Sexual Tension Builds, and Mambo Taxis and Corona's.

Eathan has posted most of the details of our final hours in Dallas, so it seems repetitive to me to post them again. And the truth is that this, the final post, is one that is difficult for me to write.

The reasons are ones that I don't feel that I can go into and for that I apologize. Know that if there were a way for me to do it, I would do so without hesitation.

If you've read 40s Singleness for any length of time, you know that I am very conscious of being honest and respectful in my posts. I am not afraid to put my truths out the for the world to see. In this case, however, I just don't feel comfortable giving you all of my feelings and impressions.

I will say that the trip was incredibly wonderful and I wouldn't have missed it for the world. G and I had a fabulous time and Eathan was a wonderful host. He showed us the best of Dallas and introduced us to some amazing people.

Without a doubt, one of the highlights for me was getting the opportunity to meet Dan & Jennifer of askdanandjennifer.com. They are two completely fabulous people and I feel very lucky to call them friends. We had such a great time with them and enjoyed their company so much.

I don't know where this road will lead, but I do know that there will another trip to Dallas for G and I. Though it had a hella rocky start, it was still a trip full of memories to be cherished for a lifetime.