46 And Starting Over....Finding Life After Divorce

Convergence

noreply@blogger.com (La'Tanya Williams-Brisbon) — Tue, 27 Mar 2012 04:53:00 +0000

convergingpresent participle of con·verge (Verb)

Verb:

(of several people or things) Come together from different directions so as eventually to meet.
Come from different directions and meet at (a place)

Life can sometimes have a very cruel sense of humor, just when you think you've gotten to the top of the mountain, you realize that your only on a small cliff.....you see you didn't know that there was another 500 feet of mountain just beyond the clouds that were looming over your head.

I'm not sure how much longer I'll be writing these articles. When I first started writing them, I was at the very beginning of the journey that would bring 20 years of life as I knew it to an end. That chapter is very soon to be formally closed. Please don't misunderstand me, I'm at peace with that.

I do have fears of the unknown. Being financially responsible for all the bills of this home, for all of my beautiful children. The children that I owe my life to, God only knows how this journey would have ended for me without them. The fear of just living. But it's a welcomed fear.

I've come to the realization that fear in and of it's self is not a bad thing, it's simply something that we have to meet head on. But mind you, fear is not something that you can put your hands on, or destroy. You simply wound it enough to disparate. I will present itself again in another place, and at another time. I think that's why God tells us in Deuteronomy 31:16 "Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." Because he knew we would be faced with fear many, many times.

But back to the story at hand......I'm at the point in my life where the old life and the new life have converged, and wrapped themselves around one another like so much twisted metal. The thing is, I didn't see it coming. For some reason I had the audacity to think that once all of this was over, I would just be happy. I knew that there would be the regular life's troubles, but not this. Oh I know it's only temporary, because that's the beauty of time. As time passes it brings change. And there is one great thing that I've learned through this process, I have learned to Stand. Ephesians 6:13 "Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand"

So I'm setting about the business of trying to untwist the metal, and the only tools I have are my bare hands. So there's bound to be a few cuts an scratches, but nothing that I can't handle.

So for anyone that happens to come across this blog and you're going through a separation, divorce, or any sort of life shattering event, know this, you can make it. It was a very dear friend of mine that told me, Embrace the process." There will be good days and bad days, but there will be days, and isn't that the point, that there will be days. You will live you will survive, you will get through this......I promise. After all, If I can do it you can, just remember that This To Shall Pass.

Purpose

noreply@blogger.com (La'Tanya Williams-Brisbon) — Mon, 23 Jan 2012 02:12:00 +0000

Life is such an amazing enigma....

e·nig·ma/iˈnigmə/

Noun:

A person or thing that is mysterious, puzzling, or difficult to understand.
A riddle or paradox.

I'm finally at a place where I'm starting to feel as if there will be a life after the life that was.....and then I realized something, not so much a new realization, but the resurfacing of an old haunting feeling, "What exactly is my purpose?"

This is a conversation that God and I have had off and on for many years. I have a secret that I'll share with you. I have never truly known what my purpose in life was. I thought my only purpose was to be a wife and then a mother. I thank God daily for my children, they're the shining embers in what I would call the ashes of a marriage past. But I'm talking about that over all great purpose.

Does anyone every know what their purpose in life really is? I have no idea, but it's about time that I started finding out.

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ¹² Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. ¹³ You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. ¹⁴ I will be found by you,” declares the LORD, “and will bring you back from captivity.^[b]

It's this promise that I'm going to lean on. I am no longer captive to a relationship that gave me no sunlight. Now there's nothing in my way to keep me from growing accept for me. I don't have to know right now what my purpose is, but I do know that I have one and that it will be good.

Some Where Between Dreaming and Waking

noreply@blogger.com (La'Tanya Williams-Brisbon) — Sat, 21 Jan 2012 06:02:00 +0000

Just imagine you've had the best dream that you've ever had....whatever that dream may be. Then imagine you're just about to get to the best part and you can feel yourself being drawn away from the dream, being pulled into waking. Suddenly all you feel is the need to say in your dream, you have to see how it ends. That's where I am.

For the first time in eight months if feel as if genuine happiness, happiness that goes from soul to bone is with my grasp, but is it real or am I dreaming. Am I at any given moment going to be pulled to the waking place and find that the feeling has evaporated like the dew in the morning?

I know that there will be doubts and fears...almost twenty years, long time. But I'm ready. I have the olive branch in my hand. Who an I to question what God has given to my heart. I am becoming the woman that I was always meant to be. I just had a slight detour.

Going from growth place to growth place is going to have it's highs and lows, and I'm willing to experience all of it.

Olive Branches and Doves

noreply@blogger.com (La'Tanya Williams-Brisbon) — Mon, 09 Jan 2012 02:41:00 +0000

Genesis 8:11, 12
11The dove came to him toward evening, and behold, in her beak was a freshly picked olive leaf. So Noah knew that the water was abated from the earth. 12Then he waited yet another seven days, and sent out the dove; but she did not return to him again.

So where did we leave off....oh yes New Years, well so far so good.........it can sometimes seem a bit surreal when you actually stop and look back over all of the miles that you've had to walk to be standing where you are. I'll be honest with you, there was time when I really wasn't sure how I would keep going. I thank God daily for my children because if I didn't have them, I just don't know how I would have been able to keep going.

I think the key is just that, to keep going. Knowing that until this world is no more there will continue to be a sunrise and a sunset, and as long as you keep waking up to a new day you can make it......and before you know it where there was once only water, the residue of the storms that you have endured, your dove will be able to retrieve an olive branch.

I'm not going to tell you what I whispered to God in the dark, but I will tell you this, I know that He heard me and sent His dove with an olive branch for me. Does that mean that troubles are over? No it doesn't. I still have many hurdles to climb before this process is over but I'm just going to keep watching for the rainbow.

2012 Stepping Into The Real

noreply@blogger.com (La'Tanya Williams-Brisbon) — Mon, 02 Jan 2012 03:43:00 +0000

Well my people......I made it, and if you're reading this you made it into 2012 also. For the last few days I was inundated with the question, "What are your New Year's Resolutions?" Honestly, I'm not making any. I decided there isn't a need.

2012 Isn't going to be a year of me setting goals, sometime totally unrealistic, and then not being able to meet them. For me, 2012 is going to be a year of self discovery, a journey into "the me" that I am mean to be. When I actually think about it, it makes me pause and take a deep breath because I actually don't know what that's going to entail.

I do know that I want to make some changes, but I'm choosing to look at them as more of a shift in lifestyle. I want these changes to be permanent. I'm looking forward to spreading my wings, letting them catch a strong current and see where they take me. the way that I see it, there's nothing standing in my way but me.

When the clock struck midnight the first minute of the new year....I knew that I had to leave behind every thing that I was clinging to that was going to keep me from moving forward......so that little bit of hope that I was clinging to, that the "soon-to-be" and myself might have a chance to get back together......it had to go the way of all things. It was time for me to "Step In The Real", time to step into the reality that things are what they are. For the last 7 almost 8 months I've been walking somewhere between awake and asleep. That place where you're not sure if you're awake or dreaming. Well, all of this is real and it's time to walk in it.....and I'm cool with that.

"Stepping into the real", that's going to be my theme for the New Year, and I'm going to be holding God's hand all the way.

And to anyone else that maybe going through a separation or a divorce, just hang in there. You may start out just trying to get from one minute to the next, then the minutes will turn to hours, the hours to day.....and before you know it......well, you get my meaning.

So I'm off to step into the real....you wanna come?

Christmas in Blue

noreply@blogger.com (La'Tanya Williams-Brisbon) — Fri, 23 Dec 2011 19:08:00 +0000

Two more days until Christmas, the time when we should be focused on the birth of Christ and celebrating life, love and family......but in the land of the real, it's just not working for me.

I'm going through the motions, doing the things that I know I'm supposed to do, cleaning the house in preparation for decorations. Putting together holiday food menus, but really all I want to do is crawl up in a ball and hibernate until it's over.....is that even possible. Not really

All I can hope for is that next year things will be easier, I know that New Years it going to feel just about as bad if not worse. The funny is that people can all kinds of amazing things to try and make you feel better...but really they're just going to pass right through your ears, and through your heart leaving nothing more than a very temporary band-aid. The bottom line is, I feel sick inside.

What will keep me going on is that the holidays are not just about me. I have my children that are depending on me to make things as "normal" as I can. Don't misunderstand, my children have been amazing through this process. I know that all of them are going through their own struggles as well.

The bottom line is, God willing my life will go on, I can only hope that it get's better, easier. *sigh* We shall see.

.......and this too shall pass.

Will the Holidays Ever Be The Same.....23 Days and Counting

noreply@blogger.com (La'Tanya Williams-Brisbon) — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 17:41:00 +0000

While all the world around me is counting down the number of shopping days until Christmas, I'm counting down the number of days until the start of a new personal trial, surviving the holidays alone.

I've always known that the holidays are extremely difficult for people who have suffered loss, separation, or divorce. There are some people who haven't experienced any of these things and yet still the holidays prove to be a battle between them and looming depression.....but now I think I'm starting to understand why.

The holidays are the time of year that reinforce the principles and ideals of family and togetherness, so it would stand to reason that the holidays with almost 100 percent certainty will awaken feelings that we have struggled all year to lull into a coma. (Or in my case 7 months as of December 11)

You would think that with taking care of four kids, working and going to school full time, plus all of the things I do with church that wouldn't have enough time to think about these kinds of things.....but I have come to appreciate just how long a split second can be, it can seen like an eternity.

"“Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.” ― Khalil Gibran"

It's in the string of seconds that I can feel the beast that lives inside my heart stirring, anxious to find the veil of my emotions, thin and worn, so it can escape. And so the struggle ensues.

In the mean time I will go about as normal, wearing the mask of daily living. I know that this war will not last for ever, after all nothing really does. So if you come across this, say a prayer, or just think of me and send love, light and strength my way, in the hopes that this too shall pass ~

Inhale....Exhale....Inhale...Exhale

noreply@blogger.com (La'Tanya Williams-Brisbon) — Wed, 21 Sep 2011 19:13:00 +0000

It's been a little over four months.....and where am I? Better than I was, but not as good as I know that I'm going to be.

It was Sunday night...*sigh* I'm not sure what Sunday night looks like for most, but for me it feels like an weekly exercise in futility. By the time Sunday comes I realize that I have gotten no rest, that I'm just as tired as I was the week before, and that the next day will be Monday......and the wheel goes round and round.

I go to work, I keep my kids together, I study, I write....and I get no sleep. A good nights sleep has become something that eludes me. Just when I feel like I'm slipping into a really deep sleep, the alarm goes off.

Inside I know I'm holding on to something that I need to let go of....but I can't quite put my finger on it. The other day a really sweet person on Twitter asked me if I thought my "soon-to-be ex" would come back, or if I even wanted him to. I have asked myself these very same questions a thousand times...and I really have no answer.

I think, I'm afraid to admit out loud that I really don't want him to come back.....that would make me a bad person, a bad wife. I'm supposed to keeping the light burning in the window in the hopes that "sir stupid" will see the error of his ways and come home.

The not so funny thing is, if I think about it too long a get a knot in the pit of my stomach and feel nauseous! (I have really bad reactions to anxiety) That's when I have to remind my self to breathe...inhale, exhale....inhale, exhale.....I have to remind myself that I can only be in control of my own actions, that it's OK for me to love myself and to know that I deserve to be happy.....and that this is all just a part of the process.

"I willingly accept love and feel it to the depth of my being."

This Woman's Work....My Work

noreply@blogger.com (La'Tanya Williams-Brisbon) — Mon, 12 Sep 2011 06:19:00 +0000

Ok.....do I've come to the realization that if this particular blog is going to work, I'm only going to be able to write in it when I really feel inspired. So there it is.....

That being said, last week, I decided to watch the movie "Love and Basketball", this is one of the best "Chocolate Chick Flicks" that I can think of...the other is "Jason's Lyric". Anyway, I was watching the movie not realizing that deep down, I really wasn't ready for a serious chick flick, let alone this one.

Why this movie in particular? For two specific reasons, 1. It's a great Chick Flick, two, it was while watching this movie for the first time that I hear the song "Woman's Work" by Maxwell for the first time. (This song by the way is one of the few that cuts right to my soul every time) So I'm in the kitchen watching the movie, the scene with the song comes on, and before you know it, I'm sitting in my chair crying my eyes out. Not loud over the top crying, but the deep painful crying.....and I have NO reason why.

Bu I do know this...I'm going to keep on moving on. Keeping my head up, doing what I need to do each day to get through this journey.....but just for a while, maybe I'll lay of the "Chick Flicks".

This to shall pass~

Pray God You Can Cope

I'll Stand Outside

This Woman's Work

This Woman's Worth

Ooh, It's Hard On A Man

Now His Part Is Over

Now Starts The Craft... Of The Father

[Bridge]

I Know You've Got A Litte Life In You Yet

I Know You've Got A Lot Of Strength Left

I Know You've Got A Little Life In You Yet

I Know You've Got A Lot Of Strength Left

[Course]

I Should Be Crying But I Just Can't Let It Show,

I Should Hoping But I Can't Thinking,

All The Things We Should've Said That I Never Said,

All The Things We Should Have Done That We Never Did,

All The Things We Should've Given But I Didn't,

Oh Darling Make It Go,

Make It Go Away...

Give Me These Moments,

Give Them Back To Me,

Give Me A Little Kiss,

Give Me Your...

(I Know You've Got A Little Life In You Yet)

Give Me Your Hand Baby,

(I Know You've Got A Lot Of Strength Left)

Give Me Your Pretty Hand,

(I Know You've Got A Little Life In You Yet)

Ooh My,

(I Know You've Got Alot Of Strength Left)

Your Love Child,

(I Know You've Got A Little Life In You Yet)

Whatever You Need,

(I Know You've Got A Lot Of Strength Left)

Give Me Your Hand,

(I Know You've Got A Little Life In You Yet)

Give Me Your Hand Babe

(I Know You've Got A Lot Of Strength Left)

I Should Be Crying But I Just Can't Let It Show Baby,

I Should Hoping But I Can't Thinking,

Of All The Things We Should've Said That We Never Said,

All The Things We Should Have Done That We Never Did,

All The Things That You Wanted From Me,

All The Things That You Needed From Me,

All The Things We Should Have Given But I Didn't,

Oh Darling Make It Go Away Now,

Just Make It Go Away..

Pillar Of Salt

noreply@blogger.com (La'Tanya Williams-Brisbon) — Thu, 01 Sep 2011 16:25:00 +0000

Genesis 19:17-26 NKJV

17 "So it came to pass, when they had brought them outside, that he said, "Escape for your life! Do not look behind you nor stay anywhere in the plain. Escape to the mountains, lest you be destroyed."
18 "Then Lot said to them, "Please, no, my lords!"
19 "Indeed now, your servant has found favor in your sight, and you have increased your mercy which you have shown me by saving my life; but I cannot escape to the mountains, lest some evil overtake me and I die."
20 "See now, this city is near enough to flee to, and it is a little one; please let me escape there (is it not a little one?) and my soul shall live."
21 "And he said to him, "See, I have favored you concerning this thing also, in that I will not overthrow this city for which you have spoken."
22 "Hurry, escape there. For I cannot do anything until you arrive there." Therefore the name of the city was called Zoar."
23 "The sun had risen upon the earth when Lot entered Zoar."
24 "Then the LORD rained brimstone and fire on Sodom and Gomorrah, from the LORD out of the heavens."
25 "So He overthrew those cities, all the plain, all the inhabitants of the cities, and what grew on the ground."
26 "But his wife looked back behind him, and she became a pillar of salt."

It's been exactly 30 days since the last time that I blogged....my absence had not been intentional I assure you. It's just that no matter how earnest my intentions to write were, there always seemed to be a reason not to....plus, I think I just get tired of writing only when something negative has been going on. For some reason, most of my creative inspiration comes when I'm feeling "blue" as it were. Whether it's dance choreography, poetry, or blogging, the more "down in the dumps" I am the better the finished product.

I am happy to tell you that things are going much more smoothly. I'm starting to feel like I can breathe again. The Saturday car drop offs are no longer a cause for major anxiety, and I feel like I'm slowly starting to sink into a comfortable rhythm.

But every now and then, I have these flashes of thought. Thinking over all these years and all the things that have happened. That's when I have to remind myself not to look back, not to try and open closed doors. God is moving me on for a purpose. So I very quickly dismiss these thought and refocus to the now, the very moment that I'm in.

Time has a way of healing all things, but it's sort of like the proverbial pot, if you watch it.......So I'm not going to "watch" for time to heal me. I'm just going to let it do it's thing.

Today...I Opened My Heart And Let Go

noreply@blogger.com (La'Tanya Williams-Brisbon) — Sun, 31 Jul 2011 07:20:00 +0000

Just when I thought my separation couldn't get any worse......it did. I know that may sound cliche, but it's true. This past week had to be the worst so far. Until now, I really think that I was making progress, learning to accept my situation, how wrong was I.

It's funny what you'll find when you're looking at the family plan cell phone bill. Yes I handle the family cell phone plan and yes, the soon-to-be ex is still on the plan. Long story....can't get him off the plan right now. Any way, the bill has been going up the last few months. I thought it was me talking to my mom more frequently......but nooooooo it was a barrage of daily phone calls from the "soon-to-be's" cell phone.....to a woman.

My heart sank as I ran through the cell phone call logs for the last few months. So I did what any normal woman would do, I called the number. I introduced myself and told her that I was looking at the cell bill and noticed this number was on the log almost daily for my HUSBANDS cell number. She gave me the most condescending attitude that I've ever heard. She proceeded to say, "I'm just a friend and a colleague".

All I could think to myself was "damn"......she's the other woman. You know the funny thing about it, in the beginning of this whole mess, some of the the few people that I did tell, asked me was there another woman, and I always said no, because I really didn't think so.

The "soon-to-be" said that she was just a friend, blah,blah, blah! So of course we had to have the inevitable argument. Me being the techno-savvy that I am, was able to find out, where she was living, working, and found her on a social network. I wish I had never found her....because now her face is forever branded in my memory........maybe someday it will go away.

So last night as I slept, I think that God and I were wrestling, wrestling for a promise. I needed to tell the "soon-to-be" really how I felt about everything since he left, but I didn't want to. So today when he came to drop off the car I told him that I needed to talk to him.

I just let it all out........exactly what was said I will not detail for you here, however, I know now that I really can go on.

I have clue what lays down the road......but I feel relieved, I feel as if a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I made it through the "he left me", and "the other woman". The only milestones left would be the "I'm filing for divorce" and the "here are the papers".

I opened my hear and let everything in it go......now there's room for other things.

The Rhythm Of Life

noreply@blogger.com (La'Tanya Williams-Brisbon) — Mon, 25 Jul 2011 06:24:00 +0000

There's a natural rhythm of our lives...the internal force that dictates the how, the what, and then when. I was walking to work the other day and it occurred to me that my internal rhythm was being fine tuned and re calibrated.

For so long my life was geared around someone else's needs, what they want to eat, what they want to do, what they like, what they want period. Now mind you, I do have children and they have needs that I gladly attend to....but now things are different. Some of the differences are actually pretty nice.

There's a sense of freedom, the freedom to become, grow and evolve into the person that I'm supposed to be. So for now, I'm just going to go with it and see where it leads.

This Saturday was a good day.....

Climbin' every mountain, always killing time

Count the cost as days go by

Monday I've got Friday on my mind

Why don't we make love

Instead of making plans.

Mother Nature, Father Time

Maybe it's the family of man

Angels cry when they hear that tune

It's sleepless nights for the man in the moon

And it's the rhythm of life

My mind's made up

Lucy's sign is a Chinese dragon

Oh, oh, she's got luck

The rhythm of life is the force of habit

Oh, oh, the rhythm of life.

Give the girl a future

Give her what she needs

Teach her life's a Iong flat road

Maybe she'll have better luck than me

Works so hard like he's still in school

His pockets are jammed, but this man's a fool.

Within the rhythm of life

My mind's made up

Lucy's sign is a Chinese dragon

Oh, oh-oh, she's got luck

The rhythm of life is a force of habit

Yeah-yeah, oh, the rhythm of life

Rhythm of life.

Oh, when out of sight is out of mind

Shut your mouth, I'm doing fine

Mama's goin' back in time.

Instrumental

Within the rhythm of life

(Life goes on)

It's goin' on and on, hey yeah

(The rhythm of life goes on)

"I Understand"......I Hate Those Words

noreply@blogger.com (La'Tanya Williams-Brisbon) — Sun, 17 Jul 2011 05:38:00 +0000

"I understand".....no matter what I say to him about my feelings, his pat answer is "I understand". Every time he says those words to me it makes my head want to explode! The honest answer would be, "I can't imagine how you feel".

So what happened today to piss me off? I can hear you asking yourself. Well of course today is the dreaded Saturday, the "soon-to-be ex" brings over the car so I can shop. Today he drops off the car and instead of waiting at the house, which I was grateful for, he said that I could drop the car off where he was staying and he would drive me back home. I said, "No way!". I have no desire to want to drive over there, and what, take the risk of running into his mom or some other relative. Side note: his mother, the grandmother to my children has yet to try and call the kids to see how they're doing. What kind of Grandmother is THAT!

I digress....anyway, I dropped the kids off at home and decided I would try not being so juvenile and thought I would drive over to where he's staying, just to the corner of the block and he could get in the car, I would drive back to my house and then he could take the car. If I did this he wouldn't have to manage his way to my house on foot, or on public trans.

Well... when I called to tell him I was driving by he wasn't there....well, needless to say my switch just flipped! I lost my composure. I guess I figured if he wasn't home where was he. I'm trying my best not to care. There's no law that says he has to stay home all of the time.....problem is I still care.

I was more angry with myself for losing my composure.....it makes me look weak and I know it. I left him a few "choice" voice mail messages. Which I regretted almost as soon as I left them.

Anyway, later on he sent me a text in response to mine....the first thing I did was apologize. I told him that I was just angry.....and he said those words! Why! It only served to make me angry all over again!

Every day in the work world I have to carry myself strong and self assured able to make the hard decisions and stick with them. Why can't I be the same way now.....I say to myself that this too shall pass, but dear God, can you please make it sooner than later?

My Life In A Series Of Fridays

noreply@blogger.com (La'Tanya Williams-Brisbon) — Sun, 10 Jul 2011 04:45:00 +0000

This week was REALLY great.....until Friday that is. That was the day that the "soon to be ex" came over to try and help me with my air conditioner. People, I looked at him and he looked really good! It looked as if he had lost at least 10 lbs.

It was at that moment that I began to feel as if the entire universe was conspiring against me. Not only does this man leave me after almost 20 years, but he has the nerve to have been working out, losing weight and looking amazing! I felt as if I had to do something anything to make the field of competition level. After all, this is a competition isn't it?

From the moment that he left, I've had on my mind the fact that I needed to make my self look good, not solely for the purpose of rubbing his face in the fact that he left a good woman, but just for me and my self confidence. I thought I was doing fairly well...that is until this past Friday.

So what did I decide to do.....I decided to be like a race horse with blinders on. I'm not going to worry about what he's doing, I'm just going to run my race.

At the beginning of the summer I decided that I was going to take a vacation day every other Friday, partly so that I could do summer fun things with the kids, but also so I could focus on how I can make our lives better. Things have been coming along slowly but surely. But after this past Friday I decided to change one thing that I had been putting off, my bedroom. If you've been following along, you know how important this room was to us, this was the one place that we as a couple were able to come together after a day of madness and just let the whole world melt away, and just be the two of us. But the two of us are no more. So I needed to put a new spin a more personal, singular spin on my room. So that's what I did. I was afraid to move his things, but I did. just to get them out of eyesight. my room now feels like it's free.

I don't know what all of my Friday's are going to bring, but for now I'm just going to run my race, making changes in my life in a series of Fridays.

~And this to shall pass

Each Step Taken Is A New Victory

noreply@blogger.com (La'Tanya Williams-Brisbon) — Sun, 03 Jul 2011 04:04:00 +0000

I've decided that I'm going to try and write my thoughts every Saturday night. I chose Saturday night because Saturday as you may know is the day that the "soon to be" ex comes to bring the car over so that I can do the grocery shopping.

I've told you about the anxiety that I experience every time he comes over....it's awful. But today it wasn't so bad. Don't get me wrong, it was still there, but it wasn't as bad as it usually is. I just wish I could wipe that "Hey how are you? How's things going?" stupid grin off of his face! Every time he comes over it's like he just drank the last bottle of giggle juice!

I called my mom after he left and talked to her about it. She said something that made so much sense, I've just been so wrapped up in my self that I didn't see it. She said, " Do you really think that he's that happy? He's probably putting on the happy routine. He's not going to let you know that he's not that happy."

This is where I'm supposed to say that I only wish him well.....someday that sentiment will probably be true, but for now, I want him to suffer. I want him to be more miserable with every passing day.

But since I'll probably never know how miserable he is, I'll just have to be satisfied with knowing that I'm getting stronger every day. I also know that as much as I would like to not see him at all right now, God is in control and He does nothing in vain.

For every Saturday that goes by, I'll be able to measure how much I'm really over him. I'm keeping a prayer on my lips.

New International Version (©1984)
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

In the Waiting

noreply@blogger.com (La'Tanya Williams-Brisbon) — Thu, 30 Jun 2011 02:47:00 +0000

I have to tell you this is one of my favorite songs by Vickie Yohe. I'm not sure how many of you that will stumble across this blog are fans of Christian music, but if you are, I'm SURE you already know Vickie, but if you aren't you probably don't know her. Even if you're not a fan a Christian music or Vickie, you won't be able to help but love these lyrics.....

It' talks about the pain that nobody wants, but that when it's over has made you stronger.....I think at least for now, this just about sums up where I am with this entire journey. "Wait on the Lord and be of good courage and He shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the Lord. Psalm 27:14

I guess this is one of the great lessons that I'm going to have to learn as this process move itself along...to wait. As hard as it may be.

I've Stopped Counting The Days.....

noreply@blogger.com (La'Tanya Williams-Brisbon) — Wed, 29 Jun 2011 06:06:00 +0000

First let me apologize for being away for so long. My intention when I started this blog was to chronicle my journey through separation and if it should come to pass, the divorce process. The theory behind my thinking was that the writing process would act somewhat like a catharsis.....the funny thing is, it's hard to write when you're trying so hard not to think about what's going on.

I spend most of my personal energy keeping my deepest thoughts and feelings about what's going on shoved into some sort of security prison lock box. I figure that if I tell myself the lie I that I'm doing fine and that before you know it I won't care about the "soon to be ex", that some how I'll believe it. I actually think that the lies work, that is until the night time comes.

He was not just the true love of my life, the other half of my soul'd self. He was my safety, my security, and my covering.....he ripped all of that away from me when he left. I feel a fear that I've never felt in my entire married life. It's hard to sleep when you think that you're going to open your eyes in the middle of the night and find a stranger standing there ready to take your life and that of your children.

Something must be working because I do manage to get some sleep, and somehow I manage to make it through most of my days without thinking about him. All that I can tell you is that I've stopped counting the days. I can tell you that it's been about a month and a half. I guess now I'll start thinking of the time in weeks and not days. That's progress......right.

Days 23-26, Family Events....What The?

noreply@blogger.com (La'Tanya Williams-Brisbon) — Mon, 06 Jun 2011 07:03:00 +0000

Can somebody tell me who invented the so called family events? Days 23 thru 25 went fairly well, no more more than the regular post separation anxiety. But today my youngest son had to attend a scholarship ceremony. He didn't want to go, I didn't want to go, but my daughter reminded me that her brother would not go if he had to go by himself. So, I took off my, "Protect myself at all cost hat", got ready to go.

This was the first time that I had to be in the car with the "soon-to-be ex". The kids were riding in the back. I have to tell you the car felt like it was collapsing in on me! I'm so glad that the place we had to go was close to the house.

You know what made it so bad.....I just really don't know what to say to him, it's that simple. Mind you, I don't hate him, I don't even have any animosity towards him. He can tweak my nerves from time to time, but who doesn't. How do you go from talking about almost everything with a person to almost zip! Right now I feel most comfortable talking about the basics. The kids, the bills, things that are going on with the house.

There ceremony that we had to attend was long....long enough for me to develop a killer stress headache. I couldn't move fast enough after the ceremony was over. I guess the "soon-to-be ex" knew what was going through my mind because no sooner than I had collected my son and got outside, there was the "soon-to-be ex" standing out side talking on the phone, laughing and smiling with who ever he was talking with.

Finally in the car on the way home.....why does he ask my son does he want to to out to dinner! I could hear my inner voice screaming, "Kill me! Kill me NOW!". My son is excited, what kid do you know that doesn't want to go out to dinner! But he is so sweet, he said, "Mommy if you want to go". What could I say? I said it's up to you sweetie. So off to dinner we went.

That was the longest meal of my life! I think I somewhat know what a person on death row must feel during their last meal. The food wanted to stick in my throat. I stared straight ahead most of the time focusing my attention on a television that was mounted on the wall in front of me. I'll admit, the "soon-to-be ex" did try to make small talk...I made very minimal exchange...I think my words were stuck behind my food.

Well....on the bright side, I also know how animals feel that are being set back into the wild.

One day, I'll be able to be around the "soon-to-be ex" and be my normal happy self, but that day was not today.

And this to shall pass

Days 19-22...Roller Coaster Of Love...Say What!

noreply@blogger.com (La'Tanya Williams-Brisbon) — Thu, 02 Jun 2011 03:36:00 +0000

So it's been a few days since my last entry...what can I tell you. Let's see what's happened since we last hung out. Our wedding anniversary was on the 28th, that was a Saturday. Yes he came over to drop off the car, but he didn't way a word about the passing of our anniversary....oh well, I guess that's to be expected.

It was the first of many unspoken anniversaries to come. The funny thing is, even if you don't say anything about it ever again, you'll always know that on that date something beautiful was born....and now it's all but vanished.

If I didn't know any better I would think that I had a twin...my moods change so fast I think on the way from, "I'm good, I'm ok", to "damn I really miss him" I think I've run into myself. I had no clue how fast that emotions can change. I really don't like to feel this way. I want to feel normal for what ever that's worth. I want to be happy for more than one day...and I want to be at peace with myself and this entire situation.

Can somebody just tell me please when this roller coaster ride is going to end?

"And this too shall pass"

Days 17 and 18 - One Small Victory At A Time

noreply@blogger.com (La'Tanya Williams-Brisbon) — Sun, 29 May 2011 05:12:00 +0000

I'm learning to take pleasure in the small achievements that I make along this journey. Usually I have a bit of anxiety on the weekends...that's when I see him, every Saturday....but you know what, this time I felt just a bit stronger than I did the week before.

I think I felt a little stronger because I've been doing some soul searching, and I I realize that I have to find myself. I need to find out who I am, what I like, who I want to be, but most of all what God wants me to be. I've lived my entire life trying to some how morph into the perfect person that someone else want me to be. But how can you live trying to please another person? We as people are all flawed, fallible...If a person can't love you for who you are then they don't love you. But more than that if you don't know who you are yourself, how can they know the real you....and that is my error.

So I'm on the road to finding out who I am, to becoming the best me that I can be, so that I can be at my best not matter if I'm with someone else, or just with me, myself and I.

Free to be me!

Days 15 and 16 - Check List

noreply@blogger.com (La'Tanya Williams-Brisbon) — Fri, 27 May 2011 05:10:00 +0000

These last two days have gone by fairly easily...not much drama. Since the "soon to be" ex left, there really hasn't been much drama. There have been a few moments, but nothing that I'll bother you with here.

I take the train to work every morning now. I used to get a ride from the "soon to be" ex...but not anymore. We only had one car and he took that with him. I don't really like the arrangement, but, it's too far for him to travel from job to job to take public transportation. Any way, as I was riding on the train all the things that I don't know how to do as well as the things that I need started running through my mind.

It's tough having children and no car living in this city. There are things that we want to do, places that we want to go that we just can't get to. Who wants to spend hours on the bus to get to a mall that you used to drive to in 30 minutes. What can I say, some families never have a car, but we did, so that's what we're used to. Right now I get the car for a few hours on Saturday. So the second thing on my list is to get a car. But you know what's funny...I've had several cars in my life, but I've never bought one on my own. My father gave me my first car, and by the time I got a second I was married.

What's the first thing I need to do you ask? Get my credit together. I've been trying to work on my credit for the longest. But now that I'm facing being a single mom and the primary caregiver for four children, I have no time to waste.

Then, I thought about the little things I need to learn, how to change the windows in the house, how to work the electrical box in the basement. How do handle the water that comes into the basement when it rains really hard. We've never really had to have repair men come to the house. The "soon to be" ex was a very handy man and did most of the minor repairs that we needed around the house. Do you know I don't even know how to cut the grass! I know I can figure out how to use the mower, it's the fact that I've never done it.

I told the kids that I wanted us to sit as a family and make a list of all the things that we needed to learn and do around the house, and we'll work on them together, as a family, the way that it always should have been. I think it will especially be good for my daughter to learn how to do some of the things that I never learned how to do. I want her to be as independent as she can be.

So I'm off to start the check list.....I wish everything else was so easy.

But, this too shall pass.

Days 13 and 14 - Time Distortion

noreply@blogger.com (La'Tanya Williams-Brisbon) — Wed, 25 May 2011 04:06:00 +0000

Time Distortion, "When we talk about time distortion, it's easy to think that we're talking about changing time. What we are really talking about is changing our perception of how fast time passes."

I had to actually count on my fingers the number days that have passes since the "break-up". Was today day 13 or 14? I even checked the calendar.

For the longest time I felt that the older I became the faster time went by, but over these last two weeks I actually think that somewhere in the distance I could hear the faint screech of time slowing down as "Father Time" pulled on the emergency break!

Time is crawling by and for the first time in a really long time I don't like it....but I know that when it's all said and done I will have learned endurance, patience......but holy smokes, all I can do is sit and how do they say on the net *smh*

I thank God for my children, they are pure blessings from God. I know they're going through their own challenges with all of this, but they take turns being a shoulder for me to lean on.

Oh well....another day down....all and all it wasn't too bad....

Psalm 27:14 Wait on the LORD: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the LORD.

Day 12 - Searching For Serenity

noreply@blogger.com (La'Tanya Williams-Brisbon) — Mon, 23 May 2011 05:02:00 +0000

Today, was a VERY interesting day...I guess it was sort of like the weather we've been having changing from gray to sunny and then rain literally in a matter of minutes.

The one thing that I did realize today is that right now, trying to talk to my "soon to be ex" about anything other than when are you going to drop off the car and the grocery money is a pure waste of my breath.

Right now every thing that I try to talk to him about lead to a path down the "what I(me) did wrong" lane.....and I'm sick of it. It physically and emotionally wears me out, and I don't want to do it anymore....so I'm not.

People going through recovery have a saying, "Surrendering to a higher power." I surrender, but not to an unnamed "Higher Power", but to Almighty God. I realize that I am powerless in this situation.

Right now I'm going to focus on my family, which now consists of my children and myself....everything else I'm going to leave in God's hands.

"God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen."

--Reinhold Niebuhr

Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will direct your paths.

Proverbs 3, 5-6

Days 10 and 11 - Your Baggage, My Baggage

noreply@blogger.com (La'Tanya Williams-Brisbon) — Sun, 22 May 2011 06:52:00 +0000

If I've heard the phrase, "We all come into relationships with our own baggage." once, I've heard it a thousand times...but you know what? I'm just starting to realize what it really means.

These last two days since the separation have been the best so far. Not because of anything that I may deem earth shaking, but because I had this epiphany yesterday...it's not all my fault. Mind you I didn't say that it was any one persons fault. The demise of our marriage is a combination of the actions and the lack of action of both my soon to be ex and myself.

Relationships are like those really long vacations that people take. When people go on long vacations, they pack all kinds of things, most of the time they over pack, dragging stuff from home that they don't even need, stuff that they won't even use. But they bring it any way....Why? Because they think that they can't live with out it. So you go on your vacation and each day you only take out what you need, nobody takes all of their things out and actually put it away in those really nice drawers that the hotel provides. But it's inevitable, by the time you get to the end of the vacation, everything you own is scattered all over the hotel in some sort of tragic disarray waiting to be picked up and thrown into the same bag that you brought it in.

Both my soon to be ex and myself came into this marriage with our own set of baggage and the good and the not so good of our lives that was neatly packed away. As our marriage went along we slowly drug out the contents of our baggage....and if we had been paying attention, we probably would have noticed that we didn't bring the right things for our tip.

As for me...I think I need to get rid of some of the crap in my bag....and just take the best of what I have...on my next trip.

Siempre Libre

Day 9 - Today Just Sucked

noreply@blogger.com (La'Tanya Williams-Brisbon) — Fri, 20 May 2011 04:26:00 +0000

I don't know what it was about today....maybe it was the fact that we've had rain and gray skies for three days in a row....but today was the first day that the reality set in...somebody pinched me and I knew this all hadn't been the bad dream that I thought it was.

This is real....I'm a single mother with four children and my marriage has joined the statistics of the failed efforts....and I did cry.

What do I have to hold on to? The knowledge that in my entire life God has never failed me and I know that He won't fail me know....not now....

I just have to keep that thought in front of me...this is going to be a short entry, because I'm super tired.....it's that weird to the bone funky tired that I get after I've cried. I think God allows me to get that super tired feeling after the tears so that I'll lay my body down and let Him whisper to my spirit.

Today was about truly letting go......