4 and no more

Childhood Trauma

2013-11-05T17:45:00.000-08:00

The crazy thing about being traumatized as a child is that the perpetrator is almost always someone you knew and possibly relied upon.

I thought I was ok, that forgiveness had settled and the hate was over. Then I had the startling realization that the same monster I had forgiven had BROKEN my siblings and put himself in a position to break other innocent victims. Now I believe that the only cure is for him to eat a bullet.

As children, we suffered every abuse at the hands of this monster, yet I exposed my children to him, believing momentarily that he may have something to offer them. I realized I was no better than my mother for exposing innocents to a known evil.

I can talk quite openly about the physical abuse, hell we laugh about it sometimes. While we were beaten in every way, even a steel toe boot to the head, it never broke our souls. It was the other abuse that left the marks that would render me jumpy and nervous and my brother and sister incapable of surviving within normal societal roles.

Our mother gave birth to three children. Maybe it was mental illness, or maybe selfishness, but she simply could not hack motherhood. To be fair, bio dad wasn't such a gem either. I guess I was ok, but brother and sister, he wanted to kill.....all the time. After the clean up, the foster home, and our future step dad's force, we went back to her. I wish, oh how I wish that this story could just end with a happy reunification. For us, that would not be.

She gave us in exchange for our suffering in the foster home, a monster. Our gift came packaged with severe PTSD from Vietnam. He had little time or patience with three little kids and had some......tendencies. Wasn't too long until my sister and I were introduced to this side of evil with teeth. Here's the thing about childhood sexual abuse...sure it's just body parts...but someday you will use those parts. On that day all of the shame and pain will return and remain with you forever because it's a sordid mark on your soul. One you can never wash away.

There is something very surreal about comparing your lovers penis as a grown up with the one your step dad forced you to touch at the age of five while scaring you away from having sex...as a kindergartner. If only pedophilia ended there...unfortunately for the perpetrator and victim it is never a one time event.

2011-03-24T17:32:00.000-07:00

Greg Mortenson is my personal hero, well one of many. Some believe people should do more good in their own country and stop crossing borders to help others. I believe that by helping those abroad, Greg is doing the best thing for his own country. For those that don't know about Greg Mortenson, he wrote two books about his trials building schools in remote areas of Pakistan and Afghanistan. More can be found about him and his projects here (http://www.ikat.org)
Mr. Mortenson builds schools for children who would not otherwise have any chance at an education, especially girls. This is vital. "Teach a girl to read and she will educate her village." Girls with literacy skills are less likely to allow their sons to join terrorist groups. Girls are sometimes the untapped resource of a community, often after receiving an education she will return to her village to help the members with her skills such as midwifery. Mr. Mortenson makes sure that the school is built and run by village members, they have a vested interest in the schools future.
In addition to making the world a safer place, Mr. Mortenson teaches us a valuable lesson, a community, even the poorest and most remote can do something for their youngest members and ensure the benefit of their community. As public schools are sinking in the turmoil of many state budgets, this is something valuable. If we don't like the outcomes, speak up. They are our schools. Failing that, we should work together to make sure all children have access to an education.

The books, "Three Cups of Tea," and "Stones into Schools" are about more than that and deserve to be read. They can teach us all a lesson in adversity and the power of a community.

The oldest profession....

2011-03-04T19:28:00.000-08:00

I'm having a hard time with the rhetoric in Washington over the budget. Not that rhetoric in Washington is new, but with all the media avenues to absorb it, it's in hyper overdrive. First we hear about what the American people want, then we start seeing the cuts, cuts to programs conservatives don't support. This of course is their right as the current party in power, but if they held the appearance of actually attempting to do something about the budget instead of targeting only programs they don't favor they would be better understood.

Somebody needs to broach the subject to us, the owners of the government. Let us know our extravagant lifestyles need to come down a few notches, that we are in trouble, that it will require an effort by everybody to begin balancing our budget. The problem here is the polarization of politics in our country, which hurts because we are in trouble. People need jobs. I understand all of the talk about stimulating the economy, but what stimulates more than employment? We have available many markets to create positive change and create jobs. Progressive environmental change could help fuel this. People need jobs, and we need solar panels. Simple. Taxpayers are going to have to step it up. This is just the reality. Avoiding the T word is not helping, it only becomes more shocking when it is absolutely necessary later.

Defense. I'm not even sure that requires an explanation. Our defense budget is massive, it can stand some cuts, but there must be a guarantee any cut doesn't hit veterans services.

Politicians salaries. Here's how politicians can show they are serious about balancing the budget and helping the economy and let's take away their collective bargaining rights. Let's start talking about their pensions and health care.

Everybody has a pet project they feel is required, but our government creates a ton of waste. The sheer amount of money we are shipping in emergency food supplies that land in the hands of warlords is a fantastic example. Like a family on a budget, let's cut the waste, make sure the money that's being paid goes where it should and make the most of every penny we spend. Yes, we elect them, they are supposed to work for us. But let's face it transparency has left the building as has accountability.

I'm not buying them pizza....

2011-02-27T07:59:00.000-08:00

I stand firmly with the protesters in Wisconsin. While I'm certain nobody is surprised by that declaration, I have been thinking seriously about it. I'm not a member of a union, nor is my husband but I know their rights matter to me. Lets get all the logistics out of the way. First they are public servants. These are the people that teach children, respond in an emergency, and put out fires on the possessions a family most cherishes. Second, it's a vendetta. The union had already agreed to compromise and bargain on the very reasons the governor wishes to eliminate their bargaining rights. Third, if these lawmakers wish to cut the budget by decreasing benefits, perhaps they should look at their own. Through this economic crisis, my battle cry has remained constant, no it is not popular, but taxes have to go up and the government has to make real, substantial cuts and not only to programs they disagree with such as Planned Parenthood or NPR and PBS.

Unions do affect me, they affect everybody. Unions create the framework of workers rights from the steelworker to the McDonald's worker. These unions are accused of being a communist idea. This is the current scare tactic being used. If we look, we can see communist threads everywhere, the truth is that our democracy is not and has never been pure. (Gasp!) Sure , unions have a bad name, perhaps their start has not been so ideal. But here we are with the Patriot Act, which fails a democracy litmus test every day. We are often a nation of double standards. Perhaps if our people were taken better care of, unions would be unnecessary. Unfortunately this is not the case.

I am not buying pizza for the protesters, but I stand behind them. I stand behind them as a parent, a community member, and an American. I stand behind them because they are victims of an agenda conservative America has against unions.

For only 20 cents a day, you can help Little Susie

2011-02-25T17:08:00.000-08:00

All week I've been trying, trying hard to not mention the whole Planned Parenthood debate. I know it's overdone and nobody is going to meet in the middle on the abortion debate. Here's the issue, abortion is 3 percent of what Planned Parenthood does, 3 percent. So our current lawmakers are saying that an organization the provides services for women, services that some women can get no other place (I am not referring to the 3 percent abortion rate) should be cut. But this is not an attack on women. If not then who? This is not a budget cutting method, budget cutting entails getting into real expenses, like defense or funding Israel. Balancing a budget and fixing our economic issues will require a tax hike. I know it's a dirty word, but cutting funding for poor women to obtain birth control is not a long term budget cutting mechanism it's a way to keep women on the system, probably where they like them. If these tea partiers in Congress wish to cut the budget so badly, perhaps they should cut their own salaries, or is it ok for our grandchildren to pay for that?

I am not comfortable with white men making decisions about services provided to me. I saw a few tweets from Canadians asking if we had women in our Congress. Even they see this is an attack on women. Because it is. While we take birth control to developing nations in an effort to stem their population explosion, why do we shut our own women down?

I am also not comfortable with the Pope making decisions for me. We do not live in Rome, we are not under the power of the Catholic church, yet we bend to their will. In fact we take their opinion on public policy. Our public is not Catholic, we are atheist, Christian, Muslim, Buddhist, Hindu, many other faiths AND Catholic. Catholicism did not even provide the basis for our nation.

In addition to my disdain for this attack on women, I am also very concerned. If poor women lack access to birth control, and middle class women slide into poverty as the income gap widens, where will we be?

Why I Want to Immigrate to any Other Country

2011-02-19T17:25:00.000-08:00

Top 6
1. Tea Partiers
2. Demise of Planned Parenthood
3. Our backing of Israel
4. Lack of quality childhood education
5. The proposition of cutting the WIC program. Yes, let's just not provide infant formula to infants whose mothers are poor. Great plan!
6. Demise of PBS and NPR

I believe our president is a great man in terrible times. This does not change the priorities of our people, so selfish they cannot see how they should have to sacrifice to help fix our economy. I once naively thought people could cause change in America. I now see how very wrong I was. We will all sit by as our country steps backwards and hovers closer to a developing nation despite the sacrifice of those before us. We have forgotten.

What does Egypt Have to do With Tea Partiers

2011-02-11T19:47:00.000-08:00

I find myself cautiously happy for the people of Egypt. I'm concerned about the outcome, but am inspired by them. They faced all mortal fear to demonstrate in huge numbers and have their voices heard worldwide. People briefly forgot that they are not predominately white or Christian. Watching this unfold has reminded me that Americans have demonstrated in huge numbers. Sometimes a change has occurred, sometimes not, but the hope is unsquashable.

Listening to all of the talk of Egypt makes me wonder what other nations thought of America's fight for independence. Was there concern over a power vacuum or the fear of who would control the nation? While this may come to bite me later, I think the group Muslim Brotherhood, is thrown around to induce fear and it is working. Now they are the new boogieman, as I'm sure people thought George Bush was.

Now to the Tea Party and ultra conservatism; I see more than a fight for independence, I see a fight from people with no real economic options. I see a chasm between the haves and have not's in Egypt and the gap continues to grow in America to such a degree, it is feared the middle class will become extinct. If the mentality continues here to only cater to wealthy people through governmental policy the gap will grow larger and the lower rung people will feel even more disenfranchised. This creates a group of dissatisfied people, a group with nothing to lose, a group with demands that can hit the streets in huge numbers. As our government grows larger than life, not in size but in unattainable economic size, the believe that all people have a voice erodes further. This causes me to wonder, will this create a power vacuum that may be filled by militias from Wyoming......

Ha! I Love Politics

2011-01-24T17:51:00.000-08:00

I'm terribly excited to see what the Tea Party brings to the table besides a lot of talk. Do not misunderstand, I am a peace loving liberal, so far left I'm off my political axis. I do not agree with ANYTHING the Tea Party says or does. I do tend to think they are not terribly realistic about their goals or about what they stand for. I think they are massive propagators of fear and some of the biggest spreaders of propaganda. I also believe they pander to what they believe people want to hear, that people want to go back to a simpler time.

Whew! All of that being said I am still curious about what they will bring to the table and how this will impact the Democrats and Republicans both. I suspect that they cannot make government run the way they think they can. I also suspect their voters will be terribly disappointed when they find out exactly how our political system works, something must be voted through and the president can veto it. Yes, that's right VETO. The Tea Parties constituents will also be disappointed with compromise. The Tea Party will soon be put to the test as they will have to vote on crucial legislation, legislation beyond that of disposing of Health Care Reform. I fear we will see a lot of government waste and not in the form of liberal spending, but in the form of government going nowhere.

I have been quite excited by our political climate for quite some time. People are whipped up into a frenzy. Everyone from every political party. People legitimately think government matters, their vote counts. The Tea Party comes from a stagnate political climate, not the fear of government. The black guy in office doesn't hurt either. Despite what people say, not everyone is comfortable with it and their unease is a perfect environment to present an extreme political party.

On helicopters, stuffed animals and other happy stuff

2011-01-22T11:15:00.000-08:00

One December day when I was a SAHM, pregnant with a child that would be born two weeks later, and with a preschooler and a toddler, I put my six year old son on the school bus. My exact words that I remember today, seven years later were, "Don't think you're going to be an asshole during Christmas break." FYI, I do not swear at my children regularly, just in case you were wondering. I could not have realized how much I would regret those words six hours later.

My child was born with an Ateriovenous Malformation of the brain that had gone undetected all these years. On this day in December, three weeks before his seventh birthday, it ruptured. After arriving to pick him up from school after the school nurse thought he was coming down with influenza, he lost consciousness. I will never know what went through the minds of the office staff at school, but they stared. It could have been five minutes or five seconds, time stood still. A father carried him to the car for me and to the hospital we went.

Here's where things spun crazily out of control. Apparently if the ER staff leave you waiting for hours, it is a good thing. We were in a trauma room immediately. Yes TRAUMA. That is still impossible to believe. This is where he was worked on by what I believed to be too many people, tubed, lined and all the other things they do. This where I hit my knees, not in prayer but total loss of control of my limbs, this is where I told him how much I loved him a trillion times. This is where I was given no hope of a positive outcome.

He flew, on a helicopter to the Children's Hospital. He lived. He changed. He begged for death once, but never lost his resolve after that.

We took him home more terrified than parents of a newborn. I didn't sleep, I performed neuro checks around the clock. Every member of our families lives changed. I was petrified. Petrified that he would die, that one of the other children would die. I had been to the abyss and was pulled back, but not before I saw the reality that I could not live with. I became the mother that does nothing regrettable. I lived every mothering moment like tomorrow may never come. I did this for a long time. I realized I was creating a downward slide for my family and myself. One cannot keep this up sanely. I realized your children need to know you love them, unconditionally. They need to know you are strong enough for any situation. They need to know they matter, but happiness does not come from hinging on death every day.

I mourn for the him that was lost, I ache for his pain, but I am grateful every day that he is here and mine. I never forget that each day does not guarantee the next, but living on a hinge is no way to live.

Mom vs School; Mom 2, School 1

2011-01-21T15:42:00.000-08:00

Anyone who has a school age child with a disability knows about the doldrums of Individual Education Plans, team meetings, mid year meetings, the virtual fight with the school. It's no wonder so many parents give in to the system, it really is an uphill battle. Parents who are their child's biggest ally and cheerleader face endless, frustrating, hours of fighting, compromising and signing on the line.

Today I fought such a battle. I'm not new to this, I knew what to expect. I have dreaded this all week. If it were so easy to say, "My child bled into his brain, yes he seems very functional, we are very lucky, but brain bleeds have a way of (pardon my curse here) fucking shit up. No I am not making this up, please bring your documents to the meeting." Unfortunately these meetings usually seem to be more about a show of power between the resource teacher and the parent. For those of you with no experience in this field, I am not making that up either.

When I was new to this (as we all are once) I naively thought the school administration would want nothing more to talk with me, a clearly involved parent, about ways to help my child succeed. This could not be further from reality. Disclaimer alert *not all administrators and teachers fall into this category, I've met several good ones.* Usually, I face resource teachers that want nothing more than to be rid of me, and place the blame on my child who has real documentation from real doctors that his stuff is messed up and yes (shocker) NEEDS accommodation. Today I fought such a battle. While two of the school officials were willing to come to any reasonable terms necessary for the success of my child, one was not. In fact she found every way around accommodating us and came to the meeting we have had scheduled for over a week without any paperwork, or his I.E.P. Yes, I became rude, bordered on (cover the children's eyes again) bitchy. This is my DUTY to my child. He deserves the same access to education as any child in that school.

I know that this battle will continue for the remainder of the school year, he will not be accommodated. I will eventually have to go around her and above her to achieve education accommodations. I have done all of this before and no worries, will do it again. This is her job. If we all performed as mediocre as her, what kind of world would we live in, she is an educator, a person that shapes the world of the next generation.

Despite it all, I do it for him.

The Motherhood Personality Complex

2011-01-20T13:25:00.000-08:00

I love motherhood, truly I do. Sure there are bad times, but the good times make it all worthwhile. That being said, the second I enter my cube farm, mommyville ends. Not that I don't think about my kiddos or have photos and drawings hung in my cube, I do. I also talk about them on occasion, but they are not the main focus for me; for eight hours a day, they do not define me.

Sure I tried the SAHM gig for a minute, it was not for me. I applaud anyone who can be their child's 24-7, but I learned quickly that I could not keep a hold of my SELF in doing so. Sure I felt guilty about time lost, daycare, the whole bit. Despite my guilt, I found I could be whole again while being two separate people. Their mother in the afternoon and evening and a hard working, sometimes snarky employee during the work day.

I find a lot of my coworkers are like this. They too have the photos and crayola works, we all know the names and ages of their kids, but they aren't a frequent topic. We all know our coworkers NAMES. Nobody is referred to as Little Jimmies mom. We are all known by our names and job ethic.

All this being said (as I'm now pretty sure I suffer from multiple personality disorder) I think it is a sad state that mothers do not have a community when they choose to stay home. Sure there are clubs, playgroups, Gymboree, but gone are the days when you could run next door to have coffee while the kids played because your neighbor is at work. I also think that motherhood should be a badge worn proudly and not one we have to put on and remove as the situation warrants. We should have an identity individual of our children as well as an identity of a mother but should not have to feel guilty in achieving that.

Having kids is like nailing jello to a tree

2011-01-18T13:47:00.000-08:00

So who said parenting is easy? Maybe nobody, but when you see so many people doing it and know it has been done since the beginning, it seems like it should be natural. This should not be something that requires extensive reading or worrying that you could be ruining their lives forever. Maybe our kids have too much responsibility, maybe too little. Maybe the kids have too much screen time and not enough outdoor time, maybe too much family togetherness or not enough. Shouldn't we know inherently what our kids need?

The bottom line for me is that I have no clue, there I have said it, no idea at all. Are you frightened yet that I am raising 4 cherubic angels? I am. I have mini panic attacks at work when I realize the little one hadn't been read to the night before, or that I forgot to sign a permission slip or agenda. These are the moments my heart drops and I KNOW I am a terrible mother. Then the children come home. Everything is like a whirlwind and next thing you know it's bed time (thank the gods) and I am left once again fretting over what wasn't done.

Then I heard depressing stories on NPR in honor of MLK day (which apparently NPR is still all about today) about black children during segregation. One such child was 6 when integrated to school. It hurts me deep when another child hurts my kid's feelings. I know it's part of life, but it hurts. I cannot imagine what it would be like to tell your child that a bunch of people were going to ostracize him and call him nasty names all because of his skin color. That it is likely that when you try to help reach a lunch tray for a little white girl she would say, "My mama told me not to take anything from a nigger." This made me hurt even deeper. When that child went home to his mama she couldn't tell him neat tricks to try to get along with other kids or to just stay away from that girl because she's not nice. That mom could do nothing about the hatred aimed at her little 6 year old son simply because he was black.

Here's where the story comes together, this is my revelation of the day. It hurts me when someone does something mean to my child. That is inherent, universal, and has been forever. There is no parenting book about that feeling, it is just there, ready to emerge when the situation occurs, it crosses racial and religious boundaries and the boundary of time. It is strong and maternal and makes me a good mom.

Could we be more mad?

2011-01-17T18:45:00.000-08:00

So now that all four of my children use the bathroom independently, are fully capable of getting their own beverages and food items, can play outdoors without direct supervision I have apparently decided that with my full time job and class schedule, I have time for a new being. NAPA our very loved one and a half year old dog was not enough, we adopted a new puppy, Claire. Claire is cute and lovable and everything else good one can say about a puppy. Here's the catch....She poops and pees everywhere. She loves to go outdoors but since she is invisible to everyone but me, she often goes on the floor. Thank goodness she's not a baby and will outgrow bad habits sooner than a human baby (we hope.) Meanwhile I will be picking up puppy turds and disinfecting carpet. This is not to mention all of her puppy shots and then the drama of having her spayed. This so closely parallels human babyhood, the frequent vaccinations, worrying over throw up and inspecting poo, occasionally taking it to the doctor with you.

What amazes me is how some people act as if bringing a new puppy into your home is NO BIG DEAL. Maybe these are the same people that didn't seem phased at all to be taking a new human home to care for. I was not this person. Each time, all four, I was petrified. Not necessarily of SIDS (though I worried about that too,) but mostly that I would drop them. My coordination skills are lacking, it was really a wander I didn't require bed rest simply so I didn't fall and injure my unborn child. I remember those moms at the pediatricians office. They always knew exactly what they were doing, their babies weren't wailing, they weren't frantic. Their babies lacked the appearance of those that have taken too many near falls in their mothers' arms. These (I am sure) are the same women at the vet whose dogs are perfectly behaved, the dog and owner appear to be perfectly groomed nor are either of them sniffing the butt of the other. These moms are my goal, all that I wish to be, I always try to figure out what they are hiding, maybe they're hoarders or live in terrible debt.

Injustice Anywhere is a Threat to Justice Everywhere

2011-01-17T15:53:00.000-08:00

Still caught up in the Arizona shooting and the following fight, the discussion about addressing each other respectfully and ending hate. This is very appropriate topic matter for Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. day. While we all have heard of the I Have a Dream speech (which is quite moving) Dr. King's fight was for justice and respect EVERY DAY. Dr. King did not condone violence and certainly did not require armaments to make his point, yet it was made very effectively. Do all Americans enjoy justice and respect, no, but we all know of his mission and many make a point to reflect upon it this day every year.

“Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere." Dr. King

What is poignant to me about this quote is that these words ring equally true today as they did the day they were spoken. Injustice is not just about racism or discrimination, it is also about policies that allow unjust acts to occur such as the lax gun laws people like Loughner enjoy and use or the injustice that many children face tonight when they go to bed hungry or cold. While we honor Dr. King, we should ponder his message, one that did not require guns or threats or scare tactics. Dr. King made no mention of death panels or use the worst case scenario to sell his ideals. Even today the best quotes are those of peace, justice and respect, these same words that organized a movement.

Why can't we all just get along?

2011-01-16T06:34:00.000-08:00

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=105384977

Israel and Palestine is a conflict that has gone on as long as I can remember. One side wishes for peace the other hinders the process and it goes on. Any time our government criticizes Israel, they face backlash from its citizens, but when we support Israel we face backlash from the international world. As I sit in my warm home with my children without fear of bombings or being displaced I feel terrible for the children of both sides of this conflict. All they have ever known is war, fear and hatred.

Most of the everyday people of this region wish for peace, they wish for a two state solution. Many Palestinians are not members of the suicide bomb gang and though all Israelis are required to serve in the military, they just want to live their lives. Unfortunately the latest round of talks was thwarted by Israel's expansion of housing into Palestinian territory, giving the feeling that Israel's government would like nothing more than to push Palestinians further out of their territory. The bottom line is that Israel has done this many times breaking UN rules, crossing lines.

The Arab world, with whom we must be friendly, hates our backing of Israel in this. When Roosevelt sat down with the Saudi King, even he was told all those years ago that supporting the Jews in Palestine would cause strife in relations with Arabs. Was he right or what? Israel now has the perception it can do whatever it likes and frankly what do Palestinians have to lose? They don't even have a real home. As we send armaments to Israel since we now require an ally in that region of the world, we send money for basic human needs for Palestinians, many of whom do not have access to basic needs like drinking water.

The Jews needed a home after WWII clearly they were no longer safe in Europe. Whether the Israeli solution was right or wrong, we are now faced with two groups. One that keeps its population burgeoning beyond what its nation can handle and another bitter over what has been lost and the way they are now forced to live. All these years later and this is not a plan for peace. My question in these situations is always how does the US overrule the UN, what gives us that kind of power? If the people, the common everyday people see the solution why is it not then happening?

MLK

2011-01-15T18:39:00.000-08:00

Martin Luther King day is looming. This puts into perspective where we stand with race today. Many believe that if our president is black this is no longer an issue. Let me just say that the most poignant portion of the presidential election results in November 2009 was Jesse Jackson weeping openly about what this meant for his fight. I can only imagine how Martin Luther King may have felt at this moment. Would he too feel the same pride and disappointed all at the same time that I feel? Would he feel the dismay over hate ads attacking Health Care reform propagandizing it as socialism and even worse as something containing death panels? Would he too feel the racial undertones of those refusing to accept a black man as president by questioning his right as the birthers have done or a fellow public official yelling "You lie" during the presidents most important address to the people, The State of the Union?

I wonder how far things have come since this little girl walked to school in her Sunday best flanked by U.S. Marshalls no doubt feeling the tangible hatred all around her? I once again find myself proud and a little ashamed of my fellow society members.

Tiger Moms

2011-01-14T18:05:00.000-08:00

I listened to an interview with the author of "Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother," Amy Chua with Michele Martin yesterday. What I was struck the most about was not the way she treated her children or the perfection she demanded, but the way mothers judge one another sometimes quite harshly. Not one of us knows what we are doing. We are all given this creature that we love innately and will defend regardless of the cost. We read the books, magazines and web pages. We all fret about breast or bottle, when to start solids and if our child is doing what they are supposed to. We brag to other moms about our child's accomplishments. This is all before the age of one. We all do it, some more subtly than others, competing, worrying, hoping we stack up.

The problem is that we are all a part of the same tribe, the tribe of mothers. Deep down we all want what every other mom on the face of the planet wants; happy, healthy kids. But we judge, we pick, we make comments, we compare. We see a mom struggle in the supermarket and while we may help out or flash an apologetic grin at her, deep down we sneer. That is not us in this moment and we are somehow better right now than she. We have goals for our children, aspirations, expectations. Deep down we are all "tiger moms." We all fight for what should belong to our children, for the hope we saw when we were handed this being we loved innately. It's the method that differs.

Bad Kids

2011-01-14T13:26:00.000-08:00

Why is the assumption that if a kid misbehaves he must have terrible parents? I used to believe the same way, until I had my child. In eight years of school, only two have been good. By good I mean no phone calls by administrators, no dreading parent teacher conferences. The kid is smart, perhaps a little too smart, but in some arenas he's dumb. Not just kid dumb, but a complete idiot. When people infer he is stupid, he is really mad, but what do people see? The kid that behaves inappropriately, dresses inappropriately for the weather, and refuses to perform well, this is how people see him.

This child nearly died. I don't mean he had an accident that should have killed him or he spent some time with pneumonia. I mean severe brain bleeding, intubated, and several doctors certainty that he would not live. He's a walking miracle. Some people come from this embracing life, he embraces nothing and fears nothing. He has stared death in the face and won, what else is there. The problem is that if he cannot get himself together, he will certainly never move out or will be homeless.

His father and I are humans, so yes we make mistakes. We did coddle him after he nearly died. But at the end of the day we are an intact family, we expect great things from our children, our children face consequences for their actions. We are not pushovers. At fourteen you may not date, your curfew is 8:30 and grounded means grounded.

I have no answers I am merely a parent, I do not have the handbook for this, the owners manual was missing. I do understand that children like him create a ripple in society and that he makes things difficult for others, but he is a child, my child. I grew him in my uterus, I dropped to my knees hysterically when he was dying, I sobbed how much I love him, I stayed by his hospital bed every minute he was there. Moms with difficult children need some slack. We are trying, we are not bad people, we do not all live in poverty, with no father figures involved. We are just like you, we live and work among you. We face the same struggles, but with a difficult child attached.

The Arizona Shooting

2011-01-11T14:23:00.000-08:00

Everything I read about the Arizona shooting makes my heart drop just a bit more. Is this possibly the end game, what does us all in? I do believe that several people exist that feel another revolution is or will be necessary to ensure our American rights. These people feel that the rest of us simply don't get it but any consequence is worth reverting to the America unknown since 1950. They feel they are overtaxed, the government has grown too large and not enough people work hard to achieve the "American dream."

A nine year old girl was killed, gone forever. Her parents will never be able to restrict her from dating, revoke her cell phone privileges, or have mini heart attacks when she gets behind the steering wheel for the first time. This was an act carried out by a madman, of that we can be certain. The issue arises though that public figures feel no responsibility for the roles they have chosen for themselves, everyone from Miley Cyrus smoking dope to Sarah Palin putting cross hairs on certain policy makers. These people are examples to someone and have to be aware that people exist that will take them seriously.

This is not a left right issue though, it is a human issue. I too have been guilty of feeling hatred toward someone of a different political party and laugh when they are nailed on different venues. We have become divisive. I feel strongly that we have different political parties to maintain a balance, but this must be carried out in a rational, respectable manner.

What does this have to do with a 9 year old girl? The child was collateral damage in the quest of a madman to end certain policies. Some of his rants sound familiar, things heard from the ultra left and tea-partiers both. He took the extremes from both sides and in his twisted brain used them to carry out actions that were life ending and altering.

Are we all looking for a handout?

2009-07-12T18:05:00.000-07:00

Although I know a real health care reform bill will never pass, I applaud all of the politicians that are pushing it so hard despite the fact that it could mean political suicide. Let's face it, health care reform can only go one of two ways, very good or very bad. Unfortunately, the only health care reform that will pass will just be the same old thing because so many are terrified of failing on both sides of the aisle. Now is the time for big change, we are at a pivotal time in our nations history. So many Americans are unemployed and uninsured or gainfully employed and grossly under insured. Americans should never have to choose between basic health care and eating or paying bills or medication and the car payment. Health care reform has never been so crucial than now with the economy in the toilet. Why do politicians always assume that honest hardworking Americans will choose to live off of the "system" if presented with the option? I think what most middle income Americans want are options and not an option to pay bills or fill their blood pressure medication prescription. Most Americans are just a health crisis away from total financial disaster.
I understand that constituents and politicians are frightened that the request is heading towards socialized medicine. While it is a step, people forget who they are. America is a very young nation and will experience many changes, some good and bad like a child learning the ropes. America is known for doing things a little differently. Health care reform in this country does not have to be the same as health care in Canada or Europe, we are always cavalier, marching to the beat of a different drum. I love this country but we have given up on the middle class and are neglecting their struggles when really working class people are what make this nation so great. Really they are the backbone of the nation, the majority. They are not looking for a handout, just to care for their families.

Sugar and Spice and Everything Nice

2009-03-06T18:06:00.000-08:00

I believed that when we all grew up, women would mature, and we could all get along. Not true. The other moms at gymnastics class proved that once again. We aren't "allowed" to watch our daughters in the class, so we all pack into a hallway with five chairs. Trying to be friendly, I joke with another mom, "It's so weird to have a whole half hour to myself." I am sure I was speaking out loud and that she knew the noise was coming from my direction; however; she just started playing with her phone. Another woman sat in the chair next to me for about three seconds before getting up to sit on the floor. In that three seconds I did not "let one go" or crap my pants. I use deodorant regularly. I didn't even attempt to engage her in conversation. The only people speaking to each other were two women who seemed to know each other well and were speaking and laughing loudly. Of course I was by all the fun haters and would have really enjoyed killing a half hour with them, since they are clearly hilarious and didn't care that their kids were throwing books down the hallway. When the class ends we all file in to stand by the wall in the classroom of mystery no one within three feet of the other. I'm not searching for my new BFF at gymnastics or anything, I just figure we're stuck together for thirty minutes once a week for eight weeks. Why make things awkward?

Why 4 and no more

2009-03-01T14:18:00.000-08:00

Imagine shopping at Sears for a few simple items, in my case a winter coat and a pair of shoes. Now imagine that with four children and a husband in tow. Sometimes our outings go better than others. On this particular occasion, the shoe kid, really wanted a pair of very unpractical shoes. The bottom line, he does as little as possible any given time, including not tying/untying his shoes. A pair of converse high tops are not his best choice. He was steadfast in his desire for these shoes, though and the price wasn't bad. I chose to let him decide (also known as laziness) and hoped he would see the error of his ways and choose a simple skating shoe instead. While he is fighting with the high top to get it on his foot, the three other kids and their father are playing a loud obnoxious game the next aisle over. Their dad is mad because he does not want high top kid to choose those shoes and is not confident that left to his own devices he will make the right choice (usually high top kid does not.) We must have been in the shoe department for close to 45 minutes, and I'm sure the employees were glad to see us go.

Upstairs to the kids department where thankfully we found coats were still being sold. Coat kid needs a new one because his dad tore his old one completely down the side while they were messing around in another store on a different day. While we are trying to pick a super cool coat that is also practical and inexpensive, the other kids pounce on the opportunity to hide in the middle of the racks and ask for every item Sears sells. We quickly choose a coat, I send the kids and their dad down to the tools and purchase the items.

High top kid and coat kid both ended up with what they need and high top kid is now skate shoe kid. I just hope they didn't destroy the tool/electronics department in the few minutes I took paying for the items.

Don't you want my life?