Apocalypse sure owes a lot to the X-Men cartoon from the 90′s because for the longest time, he was considered THE top level threat of the franchise. You’d use Magneto as your go-to personal villain, but when you wanted to make things look extra dire, you’d toss in the seemingly-invincible guy who could turn himself into a giant. That last part made him a perfect boss for X-Men vs. Street Fighter.

Luckily, there’s one guy out there who’s just as unbeatable.

Juggernaut spends the entirety of his ending lecturing Apocalypse over underestimating him, especially in the brains department. He even brings up the time he outsmarted the Hulk. Granted, he’s talking about when Hulk had Banner’s intelligence and Juggernaut’s plan was actually pretty clever. On the other hand, you aren’t doing yourself any favors by saying you’re smarter than a monster everyone knows as “the really dumb, green guy.” Especially when you’re telling this story to a mutant who isn’t even conscious.

159) Samurai Showdown – HAOHMARU/GEN-AN
1993

These two endings complement each other, so I’m putting them together.

Haohmaru is the main hero of the Samurai Showdown series. After defeating the mad wizard Amakusa, he berates him for being a conceited fool. Oshizu, a woman who appears to be in love with Haohmaru, runs to him, but Haohmaru immediately tells her it’s not to be. Despite the Engrish that appears throughout the series, Haohmaru says one of the cooler lines.

“I’m a samurai, a rebel guy.”

So, having given his girlfriend the Pee-Wee Herman speech about being a loner, Haohmaru runs off to the next adventure. We see him raring for another fight.

Where… he’s… fighting Mai Shiranui? What in the Hell? It’s weird enough that Eiji Kisaragi was professing his love for her in the 1970′s, but what is she doing in feudal Japan? Is she immortal and SNK never brought it up? Regardless, the two banter and attack at the same time, ending on a Rocky III non-cliffhanger. Cool enough.

Gen-An is the game’s freak character. A green monster with a giant Freddy Krueger claw. His ending is just like Haohmaru’s, only not quite. He destroys Amakusa and boasts about it. Then a woman named Azami runs out to him. She’s wearing tattered clothes like a cavewoman, with a bone in her hair. Gen-An leaves her and goes on to fight elsewhere.

Like Haohmaru, Gen-An gets in a scrap with a time-displaced Mai. The same dialogue plays out and they attack at the same time. Only here, they show the results. Mai lands a hit and Gen-An screams out for Azami.

Oh. Welp. Sorry, Gen-An.

158) Real Bout Fatal Fury 2 – BILLY KANE
1998

The endings in Real Bout 2 are pretty minimal. Over the course of the credits, they would show a series of stills with zero words. Nothing too special happens in the more straight-faced ones, but there are a handful of comedy endings. I’m a fan of Billy Kane’s.

Billy’s known for his long reach, coming from his staff, which has the ability to split into three pieces, like a three-piece nunchaku. We see a very cartoony Billy in a lab with some mad scientists who have concocted a brand new staff for him to use, with even better reach.

Billy goes to test it out, firing it into the sky. The next image shows that it works a little too well, stretching upwards and breaking a passing airplane in half. Billy’s reaction is priceless.

157) WWF Wrestlemania: The Arcade Game – BAM BAM BIGELOW
1995

Ah, yes. WWF Wrestlemania: The Arcade Game. To follow up on the success of Mortal Kombat, Midway took the WWF license and went completely over-the-top with it. Digitized wrestlers would fight it out in the ring with ridiculous super powers. Lex Luger had T-1000 arms. Undertaker could shoot ghosts out of his hands (though to be fair, he can already sort of do that on TV). Razor Ramon could jump fifteen feet high.

Usually in wrestling, becoming champion is merely the start of a new chapter in your story because it means you have to start defending it. Not so in the world of Wrestlemania. It seems that by becoming champion, you remain champion forever because you’re that dominant. The endings are done in text form and tell a lot of strange stories. Bret Hart becomes an accomplished actor. Lex Luger becomes known as a great American hero. Yokozuna’s victory causes America’s collapse. Undertaker devours the souls of his opponents, regardless of alignment, and returns to his desert home. Doink holds a circus that goes completely out of hand. Shawn Michaels is stripped naked by his female fans and then goes into politics. Razor Ramon is mugged for his title and ends up running a pawn shop in Chile.

As for Bam Bam?

Bam Bam uses his fire powers to not only kill all of his opponents, but fries every man, woman and child in that arena, reducing the entire place to ashes. Because he’s the champion and he’s evil. That’s fucked.

156) Mortal Kombat: Armageddon – SHAO KAHN
2006

Armageddon is a mediocre game with a laughably simplistic story. All the Mortal Kombat characters – even the ones who are supposed to be dead – have a big-ass good vs. evil fight to the death in the desert just because. Then a pyramid pops up with a big monster Blaze guarding ultimate power. It becomes a big game of King of the Mountain as everyone trips over themselves to reach the top first. Granted, the intro movie that depicts this is completely awesome, partially due to Kurtis Stryker suckerpunching Mileena and making the first move.

Despite the inability to create any images for the endings due to time and likely budget, the game genuinely impresses me by coming up with 63 unique scenarios based on these different fighters rising to the top and absorbing Blaze’s power. All of them are shown the same way: the character in question performs a kata on top of the pyramid while we see text that’s also narrated.

In terms of canon, Shao Kahn is the winner, although we don’t see the aftermath. In the game that follows, Raiden uses magical time travel to change the timeline and prevent it. But ignoring that, I find Kahn’s Armageddon epilogue rather interesting. After defeating Blaze, Kahn becomes even stronger. He easily conquers Earthrealm and absorbs it into Outworld. He’s so powerful that nobody can stand in his way.

That ultimately becomes his undoing as even though he’s victorious, he isn’t about ruling. He’s about conquering. All of reality is under his thumb and all that’s left is for the almighty Kahn to succumb to madness.

155) Darkstalkers 3 – HUITZIL
1998

Darkstalkers 3 is the home port of Vampire Savior, which includes a couple extra characters. One of these characters is Huitzil, one of the many robots the alien villain Pyron sent to Earth during the prehistoric era. In this game, Huitzil is awakened by a little boy named Cecil and has an Iron Giant relationship with him. Cecil would even be seen during all of Huitzil’s fights, running around in the background.

Huitzil succeeds in killing Jedah, but at a horrible price. The robot has taken some serious damage and is falling to pieces. Understanding its mortality, it sends a command to an identical model. At least, that’s its intent. Instead, it sends the mission to ALL the dormant models.

The series of Huitzils hover over a city. Military is confused, especially because their weapons have no effect on them. The robots decide to scan the city and classify everything under two options: the boy they must protect or threats they must destroy to protect him. Uh oh.

154) Street Fighter EX Plus Alpha – CRACKER JACK
1997

When you look at the first few Tekken games, you see an evolution in CGI cutscenes. The ones from the first game are a laughable mess, the second batch is a huge step up and Tekken 3 looks great compared to that. In the home release of Street Fighter EX, the polygonal series that Capcom outsourced, the endings are a slight step above Tekken 1, but definitely below Tekken 2. Which is surprising, as it comes out around the time of Tekken 3′s release.

The endings are all equally 20 seconds, so they can all fit the same 20-second sample of porn music. A lot of these are terrible, such as Ken’s ending, where he does a series of Shoryukens. Cracker Jack, meanwhile, gets a pretty cool animated bit.

A former Shadaloo henchman-turned-anti-hero, Cracker Jack is seen at a train station where a Shadaloo train starts up. Jack is seen on the tracks in front of it, none too pleased.

Despite the train picking up speed, Jack rushes forward and uppercuts it into the air. He walks off with his hat draped over his face, ignoring the huge explosion going on in the background.

153) Mace: The Dark Age – POJO
1997

Mace is a more violent knockoff of the Soul series with a similar story. A great demon named Asmodeus has a powerful, evil, corrupting weapon called the Mace of Tanis. Warriors from around Eurasia are each out to challenge him and steal this weapon away. There are all sorts of great character designs in there, from a mercenary, a sorceress, a gargoyle, a dwarf in a steampunk mech, a knight from Hell, a blind Shaolin monk and so on. One of the game’s hidden warriors is Pojo.

Pojo is a chicken.

A chicken, I tell you. A giant chicken.

The arcade ending tells a story of Pojo being unable to pick up the Mace of Tanis and instead being its protector, but that’s kind of boring. The Nintendo 64 version has Pojo grab the Mace and grow in size, while at the same time becoming corrupted. Pojo goes on to attack entire villages, setting them ablaze as she smashes everything in her wake. These attacks all happen in the dead of night, so none of the survivors ever get a real good look at this giant, bloodthirsty chicken.

Hence, when they do try to explain this monster, the concept of the dragon is invented. Pretty certain the idea of dragons predates medieval times, but I don’t want to rain on this giant chicken parade.

Fun fact: Pojo is also playable in Gauntlet Legends.

152) Marvel Superheroes vs. Street Fighter – AKUMA
1997

Back in the late 90′s, Capcom games liked to play up the contrast between Akuma and Dan Hibiki for comedic effect. Akuma is the nigh-unbeatable Master of Fist, while Dan has his own personal bed reserved at the hospital. One of the better examples is Marvel Superheroes vs. Street Fighter.

The game doesn’t have much resembling a story, but the final boss is Cyber Akuma. From the looks of things, he is the tinkering of Apocalypse, likely as his Horseman of Death. In his ending, Akuma dismantles his cyborg doppelganger and appears to have no challenges left in his path.

Or does he?

Akuma Shoryukens Cyber Dan, causing all of the cybernetics to fly off in one shot. Dan’s only response as he flies back is, “Ouch. That hurt.”

151) Marvel vs. Capcom 3 – HULK
2011

When Marvel vs. Capcom 3 was announced, the trailers hyped it up through some fitting inter-company rivalries. Ryu fought Wolverine because they’re both wandering lone-wolf warrior hero types. Deadpool fought Dante because they’re both over-the-top, cool guns for hire with a love for swords. Iron Man fought Morrigan because libido.

Chris Redfield lacks Hulk’s strength, even though he’s known for punching boulders. What makes them work as rivals is that despite unknowingly being on the same side, Chris spends his time fighting science-created monsters. Hulk spends a lot of time fighting gun-toting government flunkies who won’t leave him the Hell alone. Of COURSE they’d go after each other.

One of the trailers even shows a moment of character development when a clusterfuck situation that pits Chris, X-23 and Arthur against Wesker, Magneto and MODOK leads to Hulk hitting the scene, swatting MODOK away, saving X-23 and then angrily glaring at Chris before turning his attention to Magneto. Chris, unsure about what the hell is going on, still has the understanding to ease up on his gun and acknowledge that Hulk isn’t the enemy.

Hulk’s ending builds on this, as Chris has come to realize that having an unbeatable monster on your side has its advantages. Chris is shown wandering through an Umbrella facility with zombie carcasses littering the hallways. Turns out a playthrough of Resident Evil is a piece of cake when you have this guy with you.

Hulk goes through all threats, including Nemesis. Under Chris’ orders, he’s let loose on Wesker, promising that Wesker is puny and thus, Hulk will smash him.

150) King of Fighters ’99 – ART OF FIGHTING TEAM
1999

All the endings in King of Fighters ’99 feature the same opening sequence where the NESTS Cartel turn on the game’s final boss Krizalid and drop a big piece of roof onto him, ending his life. Then the place begins to collapse and the winning team runs out.

In this scenario, we have karate hero Ryo Sakazaki, his best friend/rival Robert Garcia, sister Yuri and unhinged father Takuma. They all sprint through the crumbling headquarters, but Takuma isn’t lucky enough. A concrete slab much like the one that killed Krizalid (in fact, it’s the same piece of art reused), lands directly on Takuma. His children and practical son-in-law keep running with tears running down their cheeks.

After things have settled, the three return to the site and create a makeshift tombstone, decorated with a tengu mask, which Takuma used to proudly wear. The credits roll and we see Ryo, Robert and Yuri praying before it. The three get up and walk off together, heartbroken.

That’s when they realize that Krizalid is no Takuma Sakazaki.

Not only have they not seen the last of Takuma, but neither has this list. Not by a longshot.

149) Mortal Kombat 9 – SHEEVA
2011

Australia, being Australia, banned the reboot of Mortal Kombat due to its violent content. Ergo, Sheeva’s ending acts like an inspired middle finger to the land down under. Sheeva turns on Shao Kahn because she sees the writing on the wall and knows that her Shokan race is gradually losing favor. Kahn appears to be more supportive of the centaurs and Tarkatan race and this will likely lead to Shokan extinction. Fighting for her people, Sheeva destroys Kahn and his forces crumble like dominos.

Due to her actions and her desire to get away from all the centaurs and Tarkatans, Sheeva moves the Shokans to Earthrealm. The world governments are totally cool with them moving in and even gives her reign over the entirety of Australia as part of the deal. Humans and Shokan live in peace and Sheeva, protector of Earthrealm, is regarded as the most honorable Shokan in history.

148) Marvel vs. Capcom 3 – TRON BONNE
2011

Tron Bonne, the teenage pirate of the future from the Mega Man Legends games, has always had a love/hate relationship with said game’s hero Mega Man Volnutt. After the battle against Galactus, Tron uses her mechanical and programming knowhow to introduce a new member to her loyal army of Servbots.

Tron is shown looming down at Volnutt from up high, obviously intimidating him and sweetly asking that they place nice together and perhaps get some food. Of course, if Volnutt refuses this generous and friendly offer, he’ll have to deal with Servbot #42, who doubles as Tron’s scout and bodyguard.

Tron reiterates the offer while Volnutt quietly says that he just wants to go home. Hey, date extortion is still above genocide, so good on you, Miss Bonne.

147) Final Fight Revenge – BELGER CREDIT SEQUENCE
1999

Final Fight Revenge is a rather forgettable 3D follow-up to the first Final Fight with a Street Fighter style. The game deals with the return of crime boss Horace Belger, the main villain of the first game, who has come back from being splattered on the Metro City streets. While this is never expressly explained, Belger has returned as a zombie.

The game’s endings are pretty uninteresting, but there is a great reward to be found. If you can complete the game without continuing, you’ll be treated to Belger dancing during the end credits. And yes, being a zombie, he does that dance.

The funk of 40,000 years.

146) Tekken Tag Tournament 2 – KUNIMITSU
2012

If you’re expecting any endings from the first Tekken Tag on this list, don’t hold your breath because they’re all terrible. Except maybe the one of Kuma dancing while Heihachi happily claps. Kunimitsu had an ending based on doing a cliché sword rush duel with Yoshimitsu. You know, the kind when two warriors rush past each other with a sword, stand still and one of them falls over and dies? It’s to be expected, since Kunimitsu hasn’t made an appearance in Tekken’s canon storyline since Tekken 2, so she hasn’t been able to bring more to her character than, “ninja who hates Yoshimitsu and totally wants his sword.”

At least Tekken Tag 2 is able to make something cool out of it. Yoshimitsu is riding his horse through the forest when Kunimitsu sneaks around, quickly jumping from tree to tree, and takes out the horse with a blow dart. Yoshimitsu and Kunimitsu end up having a neat ninja throwdown with smoke bombs, throwing stars and teleports. Yoshimitsu has it won and points the blade to Kunimitsu’s throat.

He takes a swing to end her life, but comes out of it surprised.

Yoshimitsu sees Kunimitsu standing near some trees, where she shows off the sword, smiles and escapes by zipping into the distance. Yoshimitsu isn’t even angry at this. Impressed, he says out loud, “You’ve greatly improved.”

145) Street Fighter X Tekken – PACMAN
2012

Putting Pacman in the midst of the big crossover battle between the Street Fighters and Tekkeners (?) is a wacky decision only eclipsed by also tossing in Creepy Box Art Mega Man. While nobody understands what Pacman’s deal is, he too is after Pandora’s Box. When finding it in Antarctica, he does what you’d expect Pacman to do. He eats it.

The energy causes Pacman to grow and the enigmatic yellow ball stops smiling creepily for the first time out of shock. Cut to a major city, where giant Pacman is on a rampage, eating trees.

As the camera zooms out, we see the trees represented by dots and the city itself is just a giant version of any given Pacman level.

144) Tekken Tag Tournament 2 – VIOLET
2012

Lee “Violet” Chaolin is one of my favorite fighting game characters, easily. Adopted into the Mishima family, he stepped out of all that madness to find his own way while making it his hobby to throw a wrench in their plans. Since Tekken 4, he’s worked on the creation of Combot, the ultimate in robotic combat. In his Tekken Tag 2 ending, he mixes his business with pleasure.

Heihachi, Kazuya and Jin wake up together inside Violet Systems Labs, with Violet calmly watching them from a control panel up above. He introduces them to the Super Combot DX, who really just looks like your average Combot. Heihachi laughs it off as a piece of junk, but proceeds to get his ass handed to him. The new Combot fights off all three Mishimas at the same time as Violet smugly talks about how he’s programmed with all of their fight data, so they can’t lay a finger on him.

Except they don’t need to. Jin turns into Devil Form and blows Combot’s head off with his laser eyes. Violet thinks out loud that he forgot to add in the Devil data. Heihachi continues to laugh at his adopted son’s failure, but Violet isn’t too down. He still has the upper hand.

Violet looks to the viewer, laughs and says the catchphrase that’s sweeping the nation, “Excellent.”

143) Guilty Gear X2 – MILLIA RAGE (Path 3)
2002

Wow, about time I had some Guilty Gear on the list. Guilty Gear X2′s story mode has three possible endings for each character and a lot of the time the third appears to be the most climactic. This one’s no different.

Millia Rage is an escapee from the Assassin Guild. She had been raised to be an assassin based on the ability to control her overly-long head of hair and grew sick of it despite her close relationship with top member Zato-1. Zato-1′s become a bit obsessed with both gaining power and making Millia pay for her betrayal. Sadly, both of those obsessions end quite badly for him and he’s become a host for what is essentially the Venom symbiote with the serial numbers sanded off.

The hatred between the two seems pretty black and white for the first few games. By X2, Millia decides that she can never truly be free until she takes Zato out of the picture completely, even if by this point, Zato is just a lifeless husk for the liquid, black parasite Eddie. Millia finds Eddie and sees that the creature is slowly dying from the lack of a suitable host. She decides that she no longer truly wants revenge, but to mercifully put the creature down like Old Yeller. Even that is taken from her, as the game’s villain I-no – who has been watching the whole thing go down – grows bored and slaughters Eddie.

After dealing with I-no, Millia buries Zato’s body, while at the same time cutting off her massive hairdo and leaving it with Zato’s remains. Although she expected it, Millia admits to feeling hollow over her revenge. Despite Zato being painted as such a bad guy throughout the series, Millia points out that he did more for her than just corrupt her into killing. He saved her life, took her in and loved her. That’s at least earned him a proper burial. Finally feeling liberated, Millia wonders what her next step is.

142) King of Fighters EX2 – TEAM KOREA
2003

The EX games from King of Fighters are a forgotten pair of spinoffs for the Game Boy Advance. The first one is seriously bad while the second one is a huge improvement and is rather fun. Kim, Chang and Choi have dedicated their performance in the tournament to fallen comrade Jhun. Jhun has an obsession with pop sensation and fellow King of Fighters contestant Athena and, long story short, his fandom caused him to get hit by a car.

Having won the tournament, the trio go visit Jhun. They just won King of Fighters. This is a HUGE DEAL! Surely, this will up his spirits! Instead, Jhun barely cares about it. He even forgot that the tournament was going on. He quickly segues into talking up the new Athena live performance DVD he ordered and how her angelic voice gets him through the day.

Kim is speechless while Chang wonders, “What were we thinking, anyway?”

141) Killer Instinct – FULGORE
1994

Fulgore is the prototype robot soldier for corrupt corporation Ultratech. Once it kills Eyedol and proves its worth, it’s mass produced. Surely, nothing bad will come from that, right?

Ultratech creates a robot army and uses these guys to run things. The Fulgore from the game is deactivated and ends up in a museum. The final line reveals that the only humans left to see it are slaves.

Thanks a lot, jerks!Similar Posts:

• The Top 200 Fighting Game Endings: Part One
• The Top 15 Best Fighting Game Storylines: Part 2 (10-6)
• The Top 15 Best Fighting Game Storylines: Part 3 (5-1)
• Ryu Final: It’s Tiger Awesome!
• The Top 200 Fighting Game Endings: Part Two

What the blood clot you niggas dealing? You crash dummies! Cash rules, still don’t nothing move but the money!

-Killer Mike – 10 G’s – I Pledge Allegiance to the Grind II
-Fabolous – BITE – The Soul Tape II
-Junior MAFIA – Get Money feat. The Notorious B.I.G. – Conspiracy
-Gucci Mane – Get Money Nigga feat. Meek Mill – Trap God
-Re-Up Gang – 20k Money Making Brothers on the Corner – We Got It For Cheap 3
-Jay-Z – 1-900-Hustler feat. Beanie Sigel, Memphis Bleek, Freeway – The Dynasty
-Ice Cube – Get Money, Spend Money, No Money – Raw Footage
-Royce da 5’9″ – Get Money Freestyle

Eight songs about one thing. Four of them have basically the same title. I thought about doing eight tracks named “Get Money,” but I figure four is cool. I left off 50′s “I Get Money” because apparently I don’t have that mp3 and just watch it on youtube all the time. Here’s the video for that one:

It’s corny how much I like this song.

Anyway, the love of money in rap is directly related to the love of money in America. The American Dream is to make a bunch of money so that the people who screw with you can’t screw with you any more. It’s reflected in rap to a large degree.

I think it’s easy to look at the commercialism in rap and see poison, but that’s just a surface reading. You can look at how these people rap about wealth and examine the subtext of what they’re saying. Nothing is ever just surface-level deep, you know? Everything means something.

I think my favorite joint in this mix is “1-900-Hustler,” featuring Jay-Z, Memphis Bleek, Freeway, and Beanie Sigel as the secretary. It’s a fun hustle song with plenty of jokes, but the rhymes and scenarios are on point. Freeway steals the song, but Young Memphis’s “Listen shorty, you wanna roll just give me the word/ I ain’t got time for a sentence, all that shit is absurd” is fantastic.

I was thinking the other day about storytelling in rap. I was listening to Killer Mike and El-P’s “Jojo’s Chillin’” and just marveling at how he paints this entire story with a series of phrases that feel like they’re just four or five words long. It’s like an ultra-compressed story. Memphis’s line is like that. Just hearing him say that sparks something in your head. “I ain’t got time for a sentence, all that shit is absurd” is a nice double entendre. I like taking it at face value, though. Memphis is a busy dude, so keep it simple, stupid.

As a great man once said, “They say money ain’t everything — you fuckin’ right, nigga, it’s the only thing; in God we trust, the Holy thing.”

Get money y’all. Pledge allegiance to the grind.

-I read and enjoyed Michael Peterson talking about Papa & Yo. There are some spoilers, but screw it. Go and read.

-I read and enjoyed Liz Barker typing about Kanye and stuff. His new songs are ill, her thoughts are interesting, and I left a too-long comment in her comment section! I’m definitely going to be revisiting Kanye’s stuff on this site once I get my hands on that album. Kanye is cool in part because he’s such an easy person to view through whichever lens you prefer. He’s such a big personality, I guess is the best phrase, that everyone finds something else to latch onto. For me, it’s the work ethic and craft. For you, it’s something else. For Liz, it’s the myth of Kanye… I dig it. Let’s all talk about Kanye to the West.

I read and enjoyed Ghostface talking about his favorite songs. I quoted this one the other day, in that big rap piece.

I read some other stuff between this post and the last one, but I forgot to keep track of them. Rest assured that they were life-changing and life-enriching.

TRUE STORY! Two or three months ago, my PS3 and main hard drive died in the same week. Last week, my new HD died Monday morning before work when I usually put these posts together. So I called it on account of equipment failure.

I got my uzi back, though, and now we’re back at it. So:

-I wrote a story about Monkey. I like the legend of Sun Wukong a lot, more than I really expected, so I wrote an homage piece.

-I wrote a piece about how stressful flying is. I dunno if it’s funny or not, but I hope you dig it.

I saw Star Trek Into Darkness. I thought it was really silly in parts and I got more of the fanservicey jokes than I expected to, but it was pretty fun. The fight scenes needed better direction, but the spectacle was on point. I’ll probably never watch it again, but it was a nice way to spend two hours with a friend. It’s a warm movie with a lot of weird choices, but it’s never boring, which I appreciate more and more in my dotage.

How amazingly good was that Elementary finale, tho? That’s how you do TV. More like that.

I’ve been ultra-stressed and trying to dodge an emotional downswing (well… more of one) lately, but I’m looking at the light at the end of the tunnel. I have a hard time sometimes, when things go south and my mood turns cloudy. I was talking to a friend about it recently, and I told her that it feels like my head is full of angry bees that are all saying the same thing. It’s like thinking through a filter, in a way? I know what’s up, but I have to pass through this fog before I’m okay with it.

One thing that helps me is that I made a rule for myself. I wake up early enough that I can dedicate an hour or two in the morning to writing for myself (meaning 4l!, freelance, fiction, whatever). I go to work and do it 9-5. When I get home, usually around six? I do nothing. I’ll sit on my lawn chair on my balcony and read in the sun, or until it gets too windy to be comfortable. I’ll chill on the couch and play video games. I’ll cook. I’ll do anything but work.

Keeping that time sacred hasn’t worked wonders, but it gives me an escape hatch when I need it. I’m a fast enough writer that this works for me. It may not for you. But give it some thought. I know how it feels to grind and grind and grind, but I realized I was just wearing myself out. Carve out some space for you if you haven’t already. That other stuff will happen or it won’t, and it has a better chance of happening if you can re-center yourself when you need to.

Open thread. What’re you reading/watching/hearing/enjoying? what it dewSimilar Posts:

• Monday Mixtape 01: alpha
• monday mixtape haterism
• On Kanye, Regular Dudes, and Douchebags
• monday mixtape chthonic
• “My life dope? (straight cocaine)” [On Killer Mike]

Thank God Gaijin Dan is back because without him, this would be the shortest ThWiP update since the time Marvel and DC only released one comic each. I’m also helped out by Space Jawa and Matlock.

Of the few comics I read this week, I was genuinely surprised by Supergirl. It was right about to get chopped off my list, but this issue was rather charming and fun. Plus it transforms the AI that controls Supergirl’s home into the New 52 version of one of my favorite DC characters, so that’s a plus.

Wow, three manga images above the cut. That’s never happened.

Bleach #536
Tite Kubo

Blue Exorcist #46
Kazue Kato

Cross Manage #32
KAITO

Dragon Ball Z #14
Akira Toriyama

Injustice: Gods Among Us #18 (Matlock’s pick)
Tom Taylor and Jheremy Raapack

Injustice: Gods Among Us #18 (Gavin’s pick)
Tom Taylor and Jheremy Raapack

Mario
Masashi Kishimoto

My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic #7
Heather Nuhfer and Amy Mebberson

Naruto #629
Masashi Kishimoto

Nisekoi #73
Naoshi Komi

One Piece #708
Eiichiro Oda

One-Punch Man #16
ONE and Yusuke Murata

Sonic Universe #52 (Gavin’s pick)
Ian Flynn and Tracy Yardley

Sonic Universe #52 (Jawa’s pick)
Ian Flynn and Tracy Yardley

Supergirl #20
Michael Alan Nelson and Mahmud Asrar

Toriko #232
Mitsutoshi Shimabukuro

Thunderbolts #9
Daniel Way and Phil Noto

Ultimate Comics Spider-Man #23
Brian Michael Bendis and Dave Marquez

Wonder Woman #20
Brian Azzarello, Goran Sudzuka and Cliff Chiang

World Trigger #13
Daisuke Ashihara

Fitting that I’m in the middle of writing about all those fighting game endings because today Arc Systems just revealed that we’re finally getting a new Guilty Gear game. Check out the footage for some impressive 3D animation. Yes, that is 3D and not drawn sprites!

• This Week in Panels: Week 187
• This Week in Panels: Week 181
• This Week in Panels: Week 186
• This Week in Panels: Week 189
• This Week in Panels: Week 182

Amongst all the serious swordsman characters in the Last Blade series, you have Hyo Amano, a dopey playboy with a love for cherry blossoms and sake. His endings are unique in that they’re multiple choice. He meets up with you the player (except in the second game, where he has his friend track you down for him) and uses you as a drinking companion. His actions vary based on whether you say you’re a man, woman or don’t answer at all. Either way, he’s friendly and insists you drink with him.

The second game branches out some more and he breaks the fourth wall a bit by giving you info and hints about the game. Such as this.

No, I don’t know the internet! This is the early 19th century!

179) Street Fighter III – ORO
1997

Oro is a senin, an ancient, top-level martial artist who has spent many years living as a hermit. Considered to be possibly the most powerful character in Street Fighter lore, Oro makes things fair by fighting only with one arm. His ending shows him from the neck up, rubbing his chin with the clouds behind him. He wonders about finding someone to pass his knowledge on to and the only fighter he sees any promise in is Ryu. It’s about here where it pans out to show just where Oro happens to be at the time of this introspection.

Luckily, William Shatner can’t see this.

Oro decides that whether Ryu wants it or not, he’s going to make him into his new apprentice and the plane flies off into the horizon.

178) TEKKEN TAG TOURNAMENT 2 – DR. BOSCONOVITCH
2012

Dr. Geppetto Bosconovitch is busy in his lab, going over DNA samples of Jinpachi Mishima, Heihachi Mishima, Kazuya Mishima, Jin Kazama and the series’ latest hero character and member of the dysfunctional bloodline Lars Alexanderrson. The data intrigues the doctor, as he mostly focuses on Jinpachi, Heihachi and Lars, the three who haven’t been affected by the Devil Gene. He looks at the way Jinpachi and Heihachi have aged from their twenties to their fifties. Naturally, he doesn’t have such data for Lars, who is still a relative youngster. Granted, a youngster with lots of gray streaks in his hair.

The three headshots appear on a monitor and focus on what Bosconovitch is really looking into.

Apparently, by not falling victim to the Devil Gene, you WILL fall victim to hereditary balding. Poor Lars. It cuts to him and his team of soldiers flying in a helicopter. Lars seems annoyed by the wind blowing his hair back, so he asks if they can close the window for him.

177) Tatsunoki vs. Capcom (US) – FRANK WEST
2010

Somehow, a man known for fighting malls full of zombies with whatever blunt object he can get his hands on is the most down-to-earth character in Tatsunoki vs. Capcom: Ultimate All-Stars. With the adventure over, Frank enjoys some final moments with all the outlandish anime and video game characters from the two companies. Some of the members of G-Force talk up how he helped save reality and they wish he didn’t have to go. Frank, being a big photographer, notes that there’s one thing they all need to do before they go their separate ways. He asks them all to gather around him.

Days later, we see Frank taking a break during the events of the first Dead Rising. As companions Brad and Jessie note, he keeps going back to looking at a picture in his phone that they believe to be him at some kind of Halloween party. Jessie asks if the photo has a title.

Frank decides that if they ever get out of this situation, he’s going to make a “best of” photo book and include this picture. As for the title, he settles on calling it “Ultimate All-Stars.”

176) Tekken 6 – SERGEI DRAGUNOV
2009

One Tekken character I don’t like is Raven. A knockoff of Wesley Snipes as Blade, his whole deal is to just hang out and talk about his secret organization, as if anyone gives a damn. Then he acts like a jerk to Yoshimitsu over the course of several games while antagonizing the kickass Dragunov.

Dragunov is weird in the sense that he’s the ultimate villain design. He’s a Russian military man who chooses never to speak, but instead will hum to himself. His pale, scarred face is constantly deadpan and his winning animations are completely creepy. Plus he looks like Tommy Wisseau. His fighting style is centered around breaking limbs with his bare hands. He’s a cold, calculated man and yet he isn’t shown to be outright evil. He’s just a man doing his government duties.

Raven’s ending shows Dragunov and his men wheeling away the corpse of Tekken 6 big bad Azazel. Raven shows up, gets through Dragunov’s men, steals a black orb from inside Azazel’s ribcage and escapes by jumping onto a plane. Dragunov’s anger shows as he slightly bares his teeth.

But! What if you play through as Dragunov? Similar situation happens, but once Raven escapes, Dragunov has it taken care of.

Dragunov looks up at the explosion and while he isn’t exactly smiling, his shifting lack of scowl might as well be considered the same thing.

To Hell with Raven.

175) King of Fighters ’99 – TEAM KOREA
1999

Since 1994, two-bit criminals Chang Koehan and Choi Bounge have been prisoners of one Kim Kaphwan, a taekwondo practitioner with a heart for justice. While well-meaning, Kim is a bit unhinged at times and insists that he’ll reform these two via constant taekwondo training. Throughout the years, the two have tried to insist that they were on the up-and-up, only to trip up and reveal their true intentions, earning them another year of intense training. In the ’99 tournament, things get worse for them as Kim’s old rival Jhun Hoon joins the team. As if one Kim wasn’t enough.

After escaping the NESTS Cartel’s hideout, the four have a moment in the desert. Chang and Choi sit it out and listen as Kim and Jhun argue about whose style of taekwondo is better. Chang and Choi realize that they’ll never be able to escape the two, so there’s only one option left. Chang sneaks up on the two with his wrecking ball ready while Choi soars through the sky with his Freddy Krueger talons out. Throughout the credits, we see silhouettes of Chang crushing Kim to a pulp while Choi slices up Jhun. The two outright murder their masters and stand in the sand, covered in blood, smiling at their newfound freedom.

It was just a fantasy. Even if they had a chance against Kim and Jhun (they don’t), they’ve been too tamed. Kim’s teachings are actually working. At first, they seem proud. They haven’t felt guilty about anything all year! Then they decide that they’re going to have to dedicate themselves to being evil the following year to bring themselves back to normal. Regardless, their change of heart is unseen by Kim and Jhun, a la the Boy Who Cried Wolf. Not only are they in for another year of training, but now they’ll be split up for the year with Chang learning exclusively under Kim and Jhun training Choi. The two grumble at their misfortune.

174) Street Fighter Alpha 3 – DAN HIBIKI
1998

Dan is Street Fighter’s resident comedy character/weakling/moron, so M. Bison could not be more surprised that he’s been beaten by this pink-wearing dork. Dan unleashes a combination of strikes that proceed to melt Bison’s face away as he dies asking how this could possibly happen.

Dan decides that he’s going to use Bison’s base as his new Saikyo dojo, where he can teach his useless style to the world. Days pass and we see that his only student is Blanka. This is the first time the two oddballs have been put together as buddies (also the first time they were ever in a game together) and whoever came up with that deserves a medal. Despite Blanka being an expert on rolling around like a ball, Dan focuses on only that and helps improve Blanka’s rolling skills.

What the two don’t realize is that Charlie, Chun-Li and a whole lot of fighter jets have discovered the secret Shadaloo base with no idea that Bison’s been taken down. Charlie prepares to bomb the place to kingdom come.

Beneath the ground, Dan and Blanka roll back and forth like a couple of idiots with no idea what’s in store for them. It ends with Dan giving the thumbs up and saying that Saikyo Style will live on forever!

173) Mortal Kombat 9 – FREDDY KRUEGER
2011

You have to hand it to Netherrealm Studios. They handled their downloadable characters expertly. Between the large cast of the Mortal Kombat reboot and the initial downloadable characters, they had run out of Kombatants that anyone really cared about. They needed something big for their final reveal. Seeing as how they’re both owned by Warner Brothers, Netherrealm was able to score putting Freddy Krueger in the game. And he fit like a glove!

Sorry.

His story is that during Shao Kahn’s invasion, Freddy challenged him for his soul. Kahn knew that Freddy was too powerful in the dream world, so he magically pulled Freddy into the real world, where he’s mortal. Freddy has created two razor gloves and intends to get his revenge on Kahn so he can return home and go back to terrorizing the children of Elm Street.

By defeating Kahn, Freddy has ultimately saved Earthrealm. Nightwolf realizes that Freddy is an evil spirit, so he decides, “Yo, I got this.” Does he kill the mortal Freddy, thus ending the nightmare once and for all? Nope! He performs a ritual that sends Freddy back to whence he came. Which Freddy wanted in the first place.

Nightwolf, you nitwit.

172) Marvel vs. Capcom 3 – X-23
2011

Lot of blade-handed people in this article. X-23 stands over a beaten Galactus and gives us a rare smile. Wolverine, off-screen, is pretty impressed. X-23 brings up that her father has never slain a giant galactic god, bringing into question his status as, “the best at what I do.”

The next image shows that they’re in front of the X-Mansion and Wolverine is wearing a bathrobe while drinking his morning coffee (probably spiked with something). Wolverine tells her that she can have the title, as long as she gets that trash off his lawn.

When they rereleased the game as Ultimate Marvel vs. Capcom 3, they changed the art to make Galactus’ placement a little more obnoxious.

171) Dead or Alive 3 – BASS ARMSTRONG
2001

The Hollywood Hulk Hogan knockoff Bass rides down a desert highway in his motorcycle “Tina” which he has named after his estranged daughter. Weirdo. Metal music blares as we see him ride on via different angles until his bike abruptly putters out. Bass tries to start it up again, but nothing. He steps off and does what anyone would do in this situation and lightly kicks the bike. In response, there’s an explosion of fumes that engulf him.

Bass responds to this in the most sensible of all manners.

HE SUPLEXES HIS MOTORCYCLE!

Later, we see him trying to fix up the bike, when his daughter Tina drives by, not even noticing her father. Bass calls out to her, but is ignored. Who cares? Did you just see that man suplex his fucking motorcycle?!

170) Street Fighter Alpha 3 – ZANGIEF
1998

After defeating M. Bison in the name of Mother Russia, Zangief leaves him for dead so he can go take out this Psycho Drive device he heard Bison rambling about earlier. Searching through Shadaloo’s base, he stumbles across fellow fighter E. Honda. At first, Zangief thinks the sumo is one of Bison’s goons, but Honda explains that he is also out to destroy Shadaloo. It’s just that he’s lost. Zangief talks up the need to find the Psycho Drive and luckily, Honda has seen something that fits the description.

Honda leads him to a laboratory with the big laser in the middle. Zangief is prepared to just pull the plug on it, but it starts to activate and fires its beam in order to repower the ailing Bison. Zangief needs to act now and comes up with the best plan. With Honda’s okay, he grabs the big man and proceeds to deliver spinning piledrivers all over the place.

Thus, the laser shuts down and Bison proceeds to melt away. The two wrestlers laugh about what a great team they make and it’s said that their heroism is long admired in Russia.

169) Soul Calibur III – OLCADAN
2005

It never made sense to me. Namco created such a great design: a grizzled weapon master with an owl head. Then they put him in one game and never used him ever again!

Olcadan’s deal is that he’s a very ancient warrior who was cursed by the god Ares by being turned into an owl man and being stuck in a labyrinth, where time stands still. Finally escaping, Olcadan finds himself in slightly less ancient times and becomes acquainted with the concepts of money and the ever-powerful sword Soul Edge. Always up for a challenge, Olcadan goes off to destroy Soul Edge once and for all.

Soul Calibur III features alternate endings depending on pressing the right button at the right spot. Normally, Olcadan shatters the giant, gross sword with a chop of his hand and goes on to start his own dojo. If you press the correct button, Olcadan stops himself at the last second and thinks twice about it.

Cut to a weapons shop where we see a female clerk who seems to have zero interest in buying the sword from him. While we don’t hear anything, we do see him angrily trying to haggle. A second clerk comes in and convinces the first to buy the ugly thing. The fact that neither is taken aback by the man having an owl head and the sword having a giant, blinking eyeball only adds to the comedy. She hands Olcadan three gold pieces and he goes on his way.

Yes, Olcadan just sold the most evil and powerful weapon in the world for a couple coins.

Underneath it all, it is pretty badass that Olcadan was able to carry that to the shop and let it go without succumbing to its sinister power.

168) Art of Fighting 2 – JACK TURNER
1994

The Art of Fighting 2 endings are just weird and I’m certain that much of it comes from the English translators throwing the script out the window and making shit up. That explains why in various endings, Master Lee works endlessly to discover the cure for hemorrhoids, military guy John Crawley is asked to rescue the President’s pet canary and there’s the troubling ending where ninja Eiji Kisaragi mentions being in love with Fatal Fury character Mai Shiranui. Even though Art of Fighting takes place 20 years before Fatal Fury. Ew.

Anyway, Jack Turner is an oversized thug who mops the floor with top criminal Geese Howard. Geese escapes, but Jack is able to rally a bunch of punks and goons in a scene not unlike the beginning of the Warriors. Standing before them all, he says that they will no longer hide in the shadows.

He demands that they all follow his lead and they cheer him on. Then there’s the stinger as it shows a close-up of loud-mouthed Jack.

“Little did Jack’s followers realize the Neo Black Cats were to become a creative dance group.”

167) Samurai Showdown IV – KYOSHIRO SENRYO
1996

Hey, speaking of creative dance!

Among all the samurai warriors fighting in the Samurai Showdown series, you have dedicated kabuki actor Kyoshiro Senryo. With his adventure concluded, he says, “Now, back to the smell of the crowd and the roar of greasepaint!”

Kyoshiro’s career as an entertainer really takes off, but his new “demon dance” is so powerful that he unknowingly summons an evil force to reign terror on the lands.

HERE COMES THAT GUY! Quick, Kyoshiro! Throw your phone at THAT GUY!

Sorry, but when a fighting game ending shares the same plot as an episode of Metalocalypse, I have no choice but to give it some love.

166) Rage of the Dragons – ELIAS PATRICK AND ALICE CARROL
2002

Tag-team fighting game Rage of the Dragons has a cool thing going by introducing Elias Patrick, the badass priest with no sleeves. The game’s plot has to do with a villain named Johann, who is powered by an evil force called the Black Dragon. Elias is an exorcist, taking care of Alice, a little girl who is possessed and probably killed her parents because of it. Finding himself at a dead end, Elias figures that Johann is somehow related to what’s going on with Alice. If he wants answers, he’s going to have to… enter himself… and the ten-year-old girl… into a fighting tournament… um… Actually, that’s kind of fucked up.

After defeating Johann, the Black Dragon appears and absorbs the demonic presence from within Alice. Becoming whole, it laughs at Elias for serving the girl to it on a silver platter. With no more need for Alice, the Black Dragon causes the building to crumble. Alice is about to be crushed by debris, when Elias saves her at the last second.

He insists that she runs, despite her wishes to help him. She escapes, but the place goes down, seemingly killing Elias. Later, we see a lonely Alice sitting on a swing. She’s free of the evil presence, but she’s also without Elias, making her truly alone. Unseen and unheard by Alice, Elias watches in the background, saying that he’ll always be watching over her. She’s now able to choose her own path, but Elias’ path is clear. The Lord wants him to kick that Black Dragon’s ass and that’s exactly what he’s set to do.

165) Tattoo Assassins – LUKE CORD
1994

I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I just needed to include one more of these endings.

The game’s story deals with some random people whose tattoos are magic and they can use them to attack. The rock star guy has skeleton-related attacks, the yakuza guy can use a two-headed dragon, etc. Luke Cord, a wrongly-accused Navy SEAL on the run from the law, got stuck with an octopus tattoo on his chest. I guess it could be worse. For one, you could be independent pro wrestler Icarus.

My eyes!

Luke’s ending shows him on the cover of newspaper Sea Food Today. It’s said that he’s been able to clear his name and the man behind his supposed crimes is behind bars. Then he goes to Hollywood and stars in a successful sitcom.

And that’s out there, but not too out there. A lot of fighting game endings end with, “Then he goes to Hollywood and becomes a star.” Besides, the game is filled with weird crap already.

Then I see the picture on the side, where we see what his show is.

I laughed way too hard at this terrible joke. Way too hard.

164) Power Instinct 2 – SAIZO HATTORI
1994

All of the endings in the Power Instinct series are comedic, but almost all of them miss the mark. In the first two games, the plot is that there’s a tournament where whoever can defeat the final boss wins leadership of her ninja clan. In other words, you have an entire army of ninjas to do your bidding. A prime idea that never meets its potential.

Saizo Hattori is a dark ninja wearing a more helmet-y ninja mask, like Shredder. He never takes it off and it’s kind of a mystery why. Is he hiding horrible scars? Is he even human? What is his big secret?

At the end of the second game, he’s rewarded with a crown and ninja henchman Kuroko asks him to remove his mask so that he can properly fit the crown on his head. Saizo refuses. Kuroko doesn’t understand why. Saizo removes his mask and faces away from Kuroko, explaining his reasons.

The real reason Saizo refuses to ever show his face is because he’s been wearing that damn mask for so long that he’s gained really unfortunate tan lines. He whines that he looks like a raccoon, so the mask stays on, no matter what.

163) Tekken Tag Tournament 2 – LEI WULONG
2012

Lot of fighting games feature characters based on real people or preexisting characters. While there’s the occasional Jackie Chan pastiche – for instance, Fatal Fury’s Hon Fu – a lot of games fall back on Bruce Lee. Tekken happens to have both a Jackie Chan via Lei Wulong and a Bruce Lee via Marshall Law. Well, I suppose they have two Bruce Lees, since Marshall’s son Forest is also Bruce Lee, but that’s beside the point.

Lei and Law aren’t really connected via story. Lei is an action cop, usually chasing after the game’s bad guys, while Law is a mediocre chef with a taste for get-rich-quick schemes. Still, such a match-up is hard to resist and Tekken Tag 2 gives us just that.

Lei is eating alone at Law’s restaurant and Law quietly walks by. Lei playfully trips him, but Law catches himself and lands unharmed. He takes this as a challenge, so the two have an impromptu sparring session. It’s extremely fun to watch, as the animators do a great job nailing down Bruce Lee and Jackie Chan’s distinct fighting styles. Fighting back and forth, the two leap at each other and proceed to simultaneously land a bone-crunching kick to the other’s face.

The two decide to call it a draw.

162) Street Fighter: The Movie (Playstation) – E. HONDA
1995

Street Fighter: the Movie is the target that never stops being fun to attack. Personally, I love the flick, but it is a gigantic pile of stupid. Especially with how it got its own video game spinoff. I was so happy to find out that the arcade and home versions of the game feature completely different endings. It’s like when you put a dollar in a vending machine and get two candy bars.

Honda goes back to being a sumo and dominates the sport, finally achieving the title of grand champion. He’s so dominant that the only challenge he gets is when his new friend Zangief (even in this continuity they’re sudden BFFs) stops by the dojo for a practice bout. Here’s Honda’s record against Zangief, along with a picture of Honda eating a sandwich for absolutely no reason.

161) Rival School: United by Fate – ROY BROMWELL
1997

Rival Schools is about a city in Japan where teenagers have been going missing and sometimes reappear brainwashed. Representatives from different schools have started investigating, all paranoid about who might be behind it. Among the ill-tempered teens is Roy Bromwell, a football-playing American exchange student from preppy Pacific High School. Roy is the racist jerk who hates the game’s main character Batsu and pretty much all of Japan. Nobody really remembers him, mainly because his girlfriend Tiffany looks like this.

To this day, I don’t get what the fuck is going on with Tiffany’s outfit. I understand that they’re trying to go for titillation and she’s American, but really… what the hell? “All right, Roy! I’m ready to help save our school! First let me put on my half-leotard, do-rag, boxing gloves and garter belt suspenders that also hold up my star bra! Let them all cower at the sight of my underboob! …Crap, I can’t pick this wedgie with these gloves.”

By the end of the game, Roy’s learned his lesson. He’s no longer closed-minded and has become good friends with Batsu. He almost wishes he could stay in Japan, but knows that he can help them better via returning to America. Fast forward 20 years and Roy’s helped everyone by growing one sweet beard.

Oh, and also he’s the President of the United States, using his experiences with the whole mind-control episode as inspiration to cooperate with Japan and make them America’s greatest ally. In other words, he follows in the footsteps of Mike Haggar by going into office after beating up a whole lot of people. I love politics in the Street Fighter universe.Similar Posts:

• Fun with Street Fighter 4 Mods
• The Top 15 Best Fighting Game Storylines: Part 2 (10-6)
• Still a Couple Minutes of Halloween Left
• The Top 200 Fighting Game Endings: Part Three
• UDON’s Super Street Fighter: New Generation Fights Like Gentlemen

Rap music is real.

We treat white people and white culture as the default culture in America. As a result, non-white voices are often marginalized and left out of the conversation. The various History Months and Pride Days — those are a way to correct our collective course and encourage the addition and recognition of other voices in our culture. It’s educational for outsiders and aspirational or inspirational for those who are a part of that culture.

In a lot of ways, rap music is like that. It’s an education. The art we create is a reflection of ourselves and the culture we live in. When dude from dead prez says, “The violence in me reflect the violence that surround me,” or when Kendrick Lamar says “I got the blunt in my mouth; usually I’m drug-free… but shit, I’m with the homies,” they’re speaking a truth. You are a product of your environment. You are influenced, and those influences are on display when you create something, whether that creation is your life or your art.

The violence, misogyny, and homophobia in rap are a reflection of the environments the rappers live in, from the crib to the block to the hood to the city to the state to the country. The joy, money-chasing, happiness, and pride in rap are a reflection of those same things, as well. The entire spectrum of content is a reflection, really.

When Chuck D said that rap music was the CNN of the streets — a statement repeated and remixed so often that I actually can’t figure out when or where he actually said it beyond “twenty years ago” — that’s what he was referring to. He was referring specifically to the way that rap lyrics reflect the lives of the rappers, and through the rappers, black people. Not all black people, obviously, but an important subset of the black community.

People say write what you know as advice to newbie writers, but the truth is that you can only write what you know. You’re drawing from your experience, be they direct or indirect. You’re spilling the contents of your brain, and in doing so, educating someone else.

Chuck D wasn’t saying that rap is non-fictional. He was saying that rap has non-fictional roots and that examining those roots is something that should be encouraged, not dismissed. Kanye rapping about trying to get a friend to hook him up with girls and that friend telling him to pump his brakes and drive slow — that’s real. 50 Cent saying that he’ll say anything to make his girl laugh, including “I love you like a fat kid loves cake” — that’s real. Killer Mike and NWA rapping about police brutality, Snoop and Kurupt slathering misogyny over funked out beats, Jean Grae kicking punchlines that make your head nod, Eminem talking about his relationship with his mother — those are all real, no matter how fictionalized they may be.

“Salt all in my wounds/ Hear my tears all in my tunes/ Let my life loose in this booth/ Just for you, muhfucker/ Hope y’all amused”
-Gunplay, 2012

Rap is real, but the meaning of real began to drift as time passed. Instead of representing the idea of emotional or intellectual honesty sitting inside a fictional construct, it began to mean something closer to “be a thug or else you’re fake.” “Keep it real” is a common refrain, or was at one point. It was the rallying cry for a certain type of rapper. Real in that sense meant a specific type of black masculinity and femininity. Real had been whittled down until it meant guns and drugs and bottles in the club. This happened for a variety of reasons — record labels love money, rappers love money, and it turns out white teens LOVE gutter raps — but it is what it is and we have to live with it.

A weird thing about rap is that it feels more “true” to me than most other genres. Part of it is the “CNN of the streets” aspect of things. I can hear myself and my experiences in Jay-Z, Nas, Weezy, and hundreds of other rappers. Kendrick Lamar talking about being lost, Joe Budden talking about awkward love, Killer Mike talking about anger, Devin the Dude talking about weed — I recognize and empathize.

Rap is real, but it’s fake at the same time. The line between the two is often blurred, as rappers draw from real life experiences, movies, other songs, and the rest of our culture to create their rhymes. Lupe Fiasco’s “Kick, Push” and “Kick, Push II” aren’t true stories, to my knowledge, but they are real. The same is true of Jay-Z’s “99 Problems,” which is partly real and partly fake.

Rap is real, but rap is fictional. But sometimes people get it twisted.

“They said I can’t rap about being broke no more… they ain’t say I can’t rap about coke no more!”
-Eminem, 2000

Earlier this year, Rick Ross kicked this rhyme on Rocko’s UOENO: “Put molly all in her champagne/ she ain’t even know it/ I took her home and enjoyed that/ she ain’t even know it.” It set off a firestorm of essays, complaints, and discussion. Eventually, Reebok dropped Ross from a sponsorship deal. The first petition I saw was this one, Lolia Etomi, though I think that this one was the biggest. Etomi’s petition has a passage that made my head turn:

If what he is saying is true, not just meaningless lyrics he has just publicly admitted to drugging and raping a woman. This should be investigated further and he should be prosecuted. If it is not true and they are just lyrics, he has still just glorified rape and this should not be ignored.

“If what he is saying is true.”

Rick Ross is an entertainer who has co-opted the identity of an infamous drug dealer. Put differently — Rick Ross is a liar. I don’t say that to be insulting, either. He’s a liar like Brad Pitt is a liar, like Denzel Washington is a liar. Brad Pitt has never beaten a man half to death for no reason and Denzel Washington was never Malcolm X. It’s obvious in movies. We know they’re fake. The idea of prosecuting someone in case their lyrics are true is laughable to me, but as I poked around, I realized that it actually happens. Which is a problem, and one that has its roots in the idea that rap is real.

Rap is fake, is the thing, but part of the mystique of rap is that you’re peeking in on another world that’s real to varying degrees. The verisimilitude of rap music blurs the line between real and fake. No one would think that Britney Spears actually did it again or that The Beatles lived everything they talked about, but it’s different with rap. Rap has “CNN of the streets” and “Keep it real” in its past, and that’s led to where we are today, when someone can honestly suspect that a rapper would actually brag about crimes they committed on a song geared toward being a smash hit and played nationwide. I figure how I feel about that is how heavy metal fans felt about the Satanism scares? It’s a possibility.

Keeping your Rap World believable and — maybe more importantly — profitable is tough. I was reading a Complex piece on Ghostface’s favorite songs and came across this:

“I even like ‘Spot Rusherz.’ Rae was saying some fly shit on there. And I was going in on the intro. But I remember when I said, ‘Yo Rae, come here,’ at the end, and he’s like, ‘Yo, chill Ghost.’ And I’m like, ‘Yo Rae, I’m ‘bout to scrape her.’ But I said ‘rape’ at first. ‘Yo Rae, I’m ‘bout to rape her.’ He was like, ‘Nah, we can’t say that.’ [Laughs.] It was too much. He said, ‘No, just say ‘scrape her.’’ And it became ‘scrape.’ I was just thinking about that the other day.

It stuck out to me because the standards for violence and rape in rap has been on my mind for a while now, but also because the implications are fascinating. Some artists have made careers while incorporating rape lyrics. Eminem’s “Who Knew”, for example, includes the lines “You want me to fix up lyrics while the President gets his dick sucked?/ Fuck that! Take drugs, rape sluts/ Make fun of gay clubs, men who wear make-up.” DMX told a faceless enemy that he’d rape his teenaged daughter and Biggie has friends who rape children and throw them off bridges.

At the same time, Eminem’s hit single “My Name Is” included the lines “Extraterrestrial, runnin’ over pedestrians/ in a spaceship while they screamin’ at me ‘Let’s just be friends!’” on the Slim Shady LP. On the original version, those lines were “Extra-terrestrial, killin’ pedestrians/ Rapin’ lesbians while they’re screamin’ at me, ‘Let’s just be friends!’”

Where’s the line for “too far”? Is there a line? Should there be a line? In the case of Rae and Ghost, an off-hand mention of rape was too far. The rest of Only Built 4 Cuban Linx… is about dealing drugs, mafioso aspirations, and how ill Clarks Wallabees are. The violence and other misogyny were acceptable, but a direct rape reference — in the song he makes a woman strip down to her Claibornes and then changes his mind — was not.

The line may be tied to fame. Before Slim Shady LP, Eminem was an underground emcee. He had cosigns from Dr Dre and Jimmy Iovine, but he wasn’t anybody yet. He was far from a household name. His first album was softened up — unevenly, if you know it well — probably for the sake of mass appeal. But his Marshall Mathers LP opens with a verse containing these lines:

“Oh, now he’s raping his own mother, abusing a whore, snorting coke, and we gave him the Rolling Stone cover?”
You god damn right, bitch, and now it’s too late
I’m triple platinum and tragedies happen in two states

In what is in hindsight a amazingly self-aware move, a skit on Eminem’s Marshall Mathers LP features a skit with Paul Rosenberg, co-founder of Eminem’s Shady Records. Paul, being the liaison between Em and Interscope, is in charge of making sure the ship runs smoothly and the album gets cleared for release. On the skit, Rosenberg says “Dre gave me a copy of the new album… and I just… [sigh] …fuck it.” It’s another essay, but I think Eminem might be one of the most self-aware/self-conscious rappers in recent memory.

By the time Marshall Mathers LP dropped, Eminem was a Name. He made his label millions, he was well on the way to making himself millions, and his videos probably played on MTV more often than he had hot meals. Being a Name brings a certain level of power. When you’re a young guy trying to take advantage of your big break, do you have to sand down your rough edges? But if you’ve already made that break, if you’re established and in a position to defend your art, are you more free to say whatever you want, as long as it’s in a creative context?

Necro, Ill Bill (as a solo artist), and Non-Phixion provide a counterpoint. They’re not going for major label sales or acceptance. They don’t care if somebody’s mama in Minnesota gets offended at their lyrics, so creating songs like “I Need Drugs” and “How to Kill A Cop,” both of which are flips of other popular rap songs, is no skin off their back. Their underground status gives them the same freedom that Eminem’s “made man” status awards him. If you’re not trying to be big, or if you’ve already made it, you have benefits people who haven’t made it yet don’t have.

(Biggie’s another case, one I haven’t quite figured out yet. But, off the top of my head, I have the feeling that he kept his really gutter material segregated from his R&B crossover lyrics. They were on the same album, but aimed at different audiences, much like Eminem’s emotional, violent, and pop songs were serving varied masters.)

Ross is a third situation. He got big, but made himself beholden to non-creative corporate interests at the same time. He became a spokesman for Reebok, as Reebok wanted to use his brand to extend their influence amongst men. The Ross brand is extravagant, suave, and wealthy. He’s selling a lifestyle. But, as pointed out by my friend Cheryl Lynn Eaton, one of Reebok’s primary audiences is women. So a rape line in raps doesn’t play. I spent a lot of time thinking about this aloud on tumblr a while back, and I was struck when a reader said that “It’s easy to feel like a protagonist, “I am the guy doing the rad violence and Whatever He Wants”, but when the power trip is date rape it gets REALLY hard for me to see myself as macho hero instead of ‘date-raped anonymous girl’.”

I was struck because it’s so plainly true. It’s one of the simplest explanations of the downsides of the One Man To Make Things Right scenario. When Ross said what he said, he immediately alienated a significant part of Reebok’s audience in a way that the drug raps and violence don’t, and was punished financially for it. He’s free to say whatever he wants, but free speech has a price.

The context between 2013 and 2000, when Eminem was blowing up, is different now, too. There was no Twitter, no Tumblr, no Facebook. Blogs weren’t what they are now. If you wanted to make a stink, you had to either get on TV, write a book, or get into a magazine. Nowadays? I can just type in “4thletter.net” and go buck wild with a three thousand word essay on how we view rap.

That changes the conversation. Voices that weren’t originally in that conversation are now free to join it, and have a platform that lets them explain their position in a detailed and well-reasoned manner. These voices often lack the legitimacy that’s awarded to people who use traditional channels, but Twitter has a way of turning small things into big ones. If you’re good, the tiniest blog can become the site of an enormous conversation.

You can see this change in conversation in the backlash against Ross, the discussion surrounding Chief Keef, the controversy about Lil Wayne using an Emmett Till metaphor, and the annoying conversations around Lana Del Rey’s “realness.” You can see it when Maura Johnston writes about how not to write about female musicians.

These new voices, like the Months and Days, serve as, if not a corrective, then something else to consider when creating your art or judging someone else’s art. I’ve personally been enriched by this. My thoughts about Ross were crystallized most through talking with white women who are mostly (as near as I can tell) outsiders to rap and black culture on Tumblr. Being around Cheryl Lynn for the past few years has shown me that some of the things I truly love treat black women like trash.

I like every part of rap. I can listen to Curren$y & Juvenile’s “Bitch Get Up” and Blu & Nia Andrews’s “My Sunshine” and recognize the pros and cons of both tracks. (Both of them go, personally.) That doesn’t make me a bad person or a hypocrite. There’s a time and place for everything, whether it’s Eminem’s “Kim” or Tupac’s “Dear Mama.”

(There’s something about how most of the controversy I’ve talked about has been specifically about misogyny or rape instead of violence, drug dealing, and everything else in rap, but I’d need a whole other uncomfortable essay to untangle that knot.)

When it comes to rap and reality, it’s like something David Simon once said. “We know more about human pride, purpose, and obsession from Moby-Dick than from any contemporaneous account of the Nantucket whaler that was actually struck and sunk by a whale in the nineteenth-century incident on which Melville based his book.”

In other words, if you want to know the human cost of the Vietnam War, you can google it and get numbers and data. If you want to know the emotional cost, you should listen to Freda Payne’s “Bring the Boys Home” instead. If you want to know the after-effects of Ronald Reagan’s tenure as president on the black community, read a book. If you want to know what catharsis and guilt sounds like, listen to Killer Mike’s “Reagan.”

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