50 in 50: Lose 50 lbs in 50 weeks

New Blog - "My Big Fat Breakup"

2011-01-03T10:52:00.000-08:00

I've started a new blog to address my big breakup and the weight issue as well.
Check it out at:
bigfatbreakup.blogspot.com

I love the smell of grease in the morning

2010-03-27T02:02:00.000-07:00

On Fridays, the cafeteria at my place of work serves some pretty unhealthy food. I came fully prepared today, armed with low fat yogurt, fruit and Weight Watchers lunch. Late in the morning, though, the smell of "Friday Lunch" began to waft through the halls and pretty much taking over the entire building.
Today's menu was:
- Fish and Chips
- Pizza (beef or vegetarian)
- Steak sandwich with fries
- Turkey Meatloaf
- Beef and rice stuffed peppers

The last two items, deemed the "healthier" items, disappeared off the menu before I went down at 1 o'clock to grab a bottle of water. When you have not only one, but two options that come with fries the smell of the deep fryers are pretty hard to avoid. At around 12:30, right around when I start thinking about going for lunch, there is nowhere to escape the smell of greasy food.
Greasy food isn't even my biggest weakness 'cause I am a sugar girl through and through... but that smell really does go right to the part of your brain that starts telling you how good everything that's bad for you tastes.
Did I give in and eat fries or other greasy food at work? No, I did not. I ate my SmartOnes and a cookie to get over my sugar cravings in the late afternoon.
On top of that, I had a really awful day work-wise and twinged something in my back when I was moving heavy boxes around. When the day finally ended and it was time to go home, I left with a sense of pride that I had made it through a shite day at work without eating the crap I normally might have...
...
...
...
Then I went to my sister's to babysit and ate two slices of pizza, a piece of cheese bread and a pepsi.
Fuck.

Multivitamin Update

2010-03-27T01:35:00.000-07:00

Wow, that looks like the title to the most boring blog posting in history. Multivitamin update. I really do live on the edge.
In case anyone WAS wondering... or in future wonders about taking a multivitamin, I did do some research and this is what I came up with.

I did some research on what the best multivitamin to take is for women, for weight loss, for women in my age group, etc. I did find a couple of suggestions that you just as you cannot possibly get all the ideal amounts of vitamins and minerals from your diet every day, you can't cram them all into a single daily capsule either. Considering that I don't want to carry (more of) a pharmacy around in my purse, though, I am going to stick to a single vitamin right now and will consider adding in things I might still be lacking in another form later.
A lot of the articles said much the same thing, but one (which of course I can't find right now) laid it out in pretty simple terms. It recommended two name brand daily multivitamins: One A Day Women's and GNC Women's Ultra Mega; These were the best multivitamins they found in a study for women who haven't hit menopause and aren't currently pregnant or trying to conceive.
Further than that, it said that the things you want to look for are:
- 18 mg of Iron
- 600 IU of Vitamin D
- At least 400 mcg of folic acid

These were for women in general, not specifically women that are wanting a supplement that will help them with weight loss. When I looked on the 'One A Day' website, I found that they have a couple of more specific vitamins for weight loss and energy.
I took my newfound knowledge with me to the drugstore and spent some quality time in the vitamin section. I ended up picking out a generic store brand women's multivitamin that is called "Weight Conscious" which, by looking at the ingredients, means it has all the same things of the other daily women's plus green tea extract. I don't know if that will impact on my weight loss either way, but I need the vitamins anyway so we'll see what happens.

After two days of taking the multivitamin, I did notice something... I couldn't sleep in. I have been taking the pill after dinner (so I have a full stomach and won't have to face a whole day with an upset stomach in case my body doesn't like the new pill) and haven't noticed any problems. I did have a day off work, though, and noticed that even though I really WANTED to sleep in, I couldn't - I was up and at 'em. Then the same thing this morning... I woke up half an hour before my alarm went off and was wide awake. I'm not complaining, I usually have to drag my ass out of bed in the morning... and it hasn't interrupted my sleep during the night at all.
It could be a total coincidence, but I am going to see if it keeps happening. If it is giving me a little more "get up and go"ness, maybe it will be easier to get my ass to the gym.

Ad for Colonic - Ew

2010-03-25T15:55:00.000-07:00

So I was just previewing my blog and my attention was drawn to a huge add on the side of the page for Colonics for weight loss.
Ew.
Seriously.

I'm hungry

2010-03-25T15:37:00.000-07:00

So I have been fairly "back on track" for the last two days. I did a big grocery shop and I am always, always more successful in eating well when I have a kitchen full of good food... I guess that goes without saying.
I got some Weight Watchers food (Smart Ones frozen entrees). They aren't my favourite thing, especially considering I really want to do a lot more "Clean Eating", but they are handy and convenient and that's what I need right now. My plan is to eat them for lunches and things when I am off work on weekends (when I would normally skip meals or just snack on crap) and take them to work with me sometimes for lunches. The rest of the time, I will try to eat as "clean" as I can.
Normally, being hungry is not a big issue for me at all. I can go a really long time without eating and not feel hungry at all - which is one of my problems 'cause then I don't eat for stupidly long stretches of time and I'm sure my metabolism is effed.
Today, though, I feel hungry.
I had a normal breakfast, missed a snack and then had a normal lunch. Tonight I am making thin crust pizza with veggies and salad, but that's not for another few hours. My instinct and cravings are for something sugary and sweet. I bought some of that V8 fusion juice that has a serving of vegetables and of fruit in one cup, so I am going to try a glass of that and see 1) if it satisfies the hunger and 2) if it tastes alright.
While I was folding laundry this afternoon, I watched two episodes of an A&E show called "Kirstie Alley's Big Life" where she and her "chubby buddy" and trying to lose weight. I guess she is also flogging some kind of weight loss program/products... but they didn't come up in the first two episodes I watched.
What struck me about it was that when I look at Kirstie Alley now, I think of her as being really overweight. Not morbidly obese or anything, but definitely "a whole lotta woman". When she weighed in, though, she was 4 pounds LESS than I was when I started Weight Watchers last year. So someone who weighs pretty much the same as me looks so much bigger than me on TV... which makes me think I am in more denial than I thought about how big I actually am!
I also watched her interview trainers to help her and her friend exercise... even watching them doing stuff made me feel tired. Oh, exercise... why can't you and I just get along?

Looking for a good multivitamin

2010-03-17T22:38:00.000-07:00

The tables are about to change, my blogosphere friends. I know that normally you tune in to my blog to hear what I have to say, what little droplets of wisdom I bring to not only Weight Loss but life in general... Today, however, I am asking for your help. Today, I--... wait, what? What do you mean you can't find a single droplet of wisdom... I'm sure I sprinkled a few around somewhere... Regardless, I think we can all agree that this sporatically updated blog is, if nothing else, a public service... No? Well. Damnit.

What was I saying?

Right. Vitamins. Despite my best efforts to eat a well balanced diet, I know that because of the difficulty I have with some harder to digest vegetables and fruits (AKA: The ones that are really good for you) I am probably not getting enough vitamins and minerals. Here's the real kicker, though: When I have taken multi-vitamins in the past, they have always upset my stomach. Eventually, I switched over to kids vitamins and that seemed to help. You can only eat Flintstone shaped vitamins for so long, though, before you realise that A) You look like an idiot and B)Your vitamin needs may not be the same as a pre-teen.
I haven't tried one for a while, though, and want to give it another shot. My stomach does seem more tolerant to this sort of thing these days, but I don't know where to start.
Does anyone have any recommendations of a good multi-vitamin either for everyone or for women specifically?

Double the Fun: Week 8 & 9 Updates

2010-03-17T22:27:00.000-07:00

Week 8 Weigh In:

Weigh In: +1 lb
Overall Progress: LOSS – 6
Goal at this point: 8 (which means I am behind by 2 pounds, boo)

Week 9 Weigh In:

Weigh In: No change
Overall Progress: LOSS -6
Goal at this point: -9 (which means I am behind by 3 pounds, boo)

Nothing has changed, really. Not on the Weight Loss side of things, I mean. Sometimes I think, "I wish I knew how to just stick to a plan!" but if I had the secret to that, I could make millions from people everywhere. Thank Oprah I never started smoking, can you imagine the helluva time I'd have quitting?

Back in early 2009, my sister and I joined Weight Watchers and I was not very successful.
"Well, are you sticking to the plan?" my sister oh-so-cleverly asked.
"No."
And there goes the big secret behind why WW wasn't successful for me... I do, however, still have all the little guides and some cookbooks and tracking books so I am thinking about starting again. I came across all of it while I was cleaning on the weekend and thought I should either use it or lose it: What's the point of having it taking up room in my house to just gather dust and make me feel guilty whenever I see it?
At first I was thinking about just going back to the "Week 1" guide and starting over on my own, but not going to the meetings (in other words, doing it for free). They always tell you, though, that people are way more successful when they do go to meetings and I think that's probably true. The weekly Weigh In is at least another motivation.
I did mention it to my sis and she sort of reluctantly agreed that we could maybe go back. She did really well when we did it last year, though, and may not be all that eager to lose more weight.

8 Weeks?!

2010-03-06T14:47:00.000-08:00

Holy Moses, I just looked and realised that I started this "50 in 50" 8 weeks ago!
That means I am probably behind on my goal... but also, behind on what's reasonable!
Okay, so I set myself the goal of 1 lb a week because I didn't want to make a goal that would be too lofty to reach but I do know that I should be able to lose around 2 lbs per week, even more at the beginning if I really change my habbits... which means I should really be down at least 16 pounds as of tomorrow.... yeah, that's not happening...
Darnit.
Still have 42 weeks to go, though... Lots of time to get back on track...

You'd look like Kelly Clarkson if you lost all that weight

2010-03-06T14:30:00.000-08:00

Ages ago, I went into Fitness World (where I used to have a membership, starting from when my mom signed me up when I was like 14) and on one of yet another "Gonna get fit" kicks, I decided to sign up for a trainer. I started chatting to the pushy sales trainer at the desk, who told me that I could look like America's First Idol Kelly Clarkson if I "lose all that weight".
I love people.

On a side note... I don't look like Kelly Clarkson. Even skinny.

So this week has been... alright. I mean, work stress and life stress and all that drama has been... well, drama. On the weight loss side of things, though, I don't think it's been too bad. I have found that since being B-R-O-K-E lately, I am spending less money on food and consequently eating less unhealthy food. It might not be totally on purpose, but I'll take it.

Tomorrow I am back to my Sunday morning Weigh Ins, so I'll make sure to report in then on how I am doing.
I also pulled out some Weight Watchers cookbooks I bought last year when I was a Watcher of Weight (or a "Fat Fighter" as my sister and I called it every week) to start trying to cook more consistently and use healthy recipes to do it. I did not have any success on Weight Watchers, but my sister lost 30 lbs so I can say that it both does and does not work. :-P

Adrian, on the other hand, has continued to do really well. On this Saturday, for example, he was up and out for a run before I had even cleared the sleep from my eyes.

Oh, and exercise? Um... well... I've been seriously, seriously thinking about it....

Update: Eating for the Earth

2010-03-02T04:02:00.000-08:00

One of the things I mentioned when I first set out on this 50 Week Challenge was my goal to eat (live, really) in a way that supports environmental sustainability. Having said that, I chose the worst time of year to try and eat locally in Vancouver. Through February and March, there is very little produce available in BC that is locally grown and in season because... well, it's friggin' cold.
I can see that the summer months and beyond will be a lot better for fruits and vegetables in general but unless I am willing to reduce my vegetable intake to potatoes and garlic (not that I am opposed to a generous helping of garlic mashed), I may need to re-think this approach for the colder months. Canned and frozen is one way to go, especially because there are so many options now for buying organic. From everything I have read, most frozen fruit and vegetables aren't any lower in nutrients than fresh so at least you aren't sacrificing anything by buying frozen.
It's funny because I instinctively feel like buying frozen is not as healthy as fresh and yet when I walk through the supermarket now and see all the fruit available, I know that none of it is actually in season here.
The other thing I am considering is stocking up on organic fruits in the months they ARE available locally and doing my own canning... This will definitely require some more research on my part and probably some trial and error once it does become available.
Now that I am trying to buy organic and our budget it really tight, I am really noticing a difference in my shopping bills. I think it has definitely cut back on the amount of meat I am buying and we having more vegetarian meals. Adrian mentions going "Eyelash vegetarian" or "Veg-equarian" every so often (only eating sea food) but I'm not sure how committed he actually is. I used to say that I could never go vegetarian because I base so many of my meals around the easily digestible chicken breasts, but even I have gotten pretty sick of chicken over the last few months. Fresh fish is also something that is more available throughout the summer months, but is also pretty pricey.

As a side note, the organic vegetable market in our neighbourhood recently shut and has been empty for the last little while. This past weekend, Adrian and I were out walking and we noticed that there were some people inside doing renovations. Ranger, our ever popular conversation piece, got the attention of the woman working inside and we ended up chatting. She told us that they are planning to open what sounds like a deli with organic, grass fed Black Angus beef and other locally produced groceries. They are planning to have a smoker and things for people to try their products and are hoping to be up in running by mid-March (though they didn't seem very confident in this timeline). What was most interesting, though, was when they were telling us about how difficult it is for local farmers and people with other ranches, etc to even be able to sell to the public because of government restrictions. Although I was aware of this happening in the US from watching the "Food Inc" documentary (please watch if you haven't already, it's fascinating), I was not aware of how much of it was also affecting Canadians. It sounds like there is just the same amount of red tape and government intervention that prevents small farmers from selling their products and forcing consumers to buy from the big slaughterhouses that are government funded. They were saying, for example, that they have a friend who has a Buffalo ranch and that the only way he can sell the meat is for someone to go to his farm in person and basically purchase an entire Buffalo privately. I may not be the biggest meat eater, but I don't know anyone who is looking to eat an entire Buffalo...
He also said that there is a lot of pressure to sell the animals at auction, where he will take the cows that he has been very particular about raising on grass and without chemicals, etc and they can end up being sold to the highest bidder who is only looking for the lowest price. They will then take that animal, stuff it with the grain and corn products that this rancher has always avoided and undo the years of work he has put into them.
I don't tend to be a very "Stick it to the man!!" kinda girl but knowing how much the government controls (by way of McDonalds) what I put in my body kinda freaks me out. The fact that they are intentionally stopping farmers, ranchers, etc from getting natural, organic products out to consumers is just sick.
Here's the kicker, though: As long as these products are few and far between, they are going to be sold at a premium price. That means that for a lot of people, buying them is just not a choice they have even if they want to support the cause.
If you are interested, here are a few links I've found about eating locally in BC.
Information on proposed changes to the BC Meat Inspection Act that makes it illegal for local farmers to sell their products as they have in the past, click here.

Also check out:
Get Local
Community Farms Program
Certified Organics Association of BC

We'll Always Have the File Room

2010-03-02T03:26:00.000-08:00

Ah Life, you crazy unpredictable bastard.
Just when I am posting about how my new schedule at work is going really well, the powers that be decide it's time to pull that carpet out from under me and Whoosh!, it's gone.
I went into work today feeling quite plucky, ready to get this ridiculous File Room project in order and to grab this new position by the horns and go all out like some sort of Organization Rock Star. Would I let the fact that a trained chimp could do this job bother me? No! Would the endless cardboard paper cuts and heavy lifting get me down? Absolutely not! Would I stand in the middle of the file room surrounded by boxes of crap and just stare at them, hoping to work a little Mary Poppins magic on them? Okay, yes, I did do that.
No sooner than I arrived, though, did my day start to go a bit tits up. Because the laser in our laser printer is broken, all print jobs had to be sent through the Print Shop in the basement. Upon taking a trip down there, I ran into the girl who covered for me while I was away for surgery over the summer. She totally surprised me by telling me how awful the girls I work with are and how they had "really nasty things" to say about me "every 2nd day". Was I shocked and appalled that the girls who I hear gossiping and bitching about people on a daily basis could say something about Perfect Me? No, but it still hurts to hear it from someone and confirm that you're not just paranoid - they really are talking about you. The silver lining was that while one my colleagues who shall remain nameless was making up totally lies about me, this woman who didn't know me from Adam thought it all sounded a bit suspect and when she did a little digging discovered that I wasn't in fact incompetent or lazy and that this aforementioned colleague is simply an immature high school bully who has spent a little too much time gossiping and not enough time being a grown up.
Cut to my first break of the day and my attempt at eating a healthy number of calories per day while sticking to a tight budget. I had a non fat yogurt, which was delicious but the Weight Watchers muffin I brought was a big Zero. I wouldn't recommend these store bought muffins at all - although they get high points in convenience, they are sickly sweet and have an artificial-y taste to them. Next time, I will bake my own.
I went back to work, imagining all the ways I could deal with my Gossip Girl colleague... my favourite of which was approaching her cubicle and asking in a very polite voice if she would be able to explain to me why she is such a heinous bitch. I, of course, went another direction and was simply very nice to her. I hope you really can kill a person with kindness because my confrontational skills are sorely lacking.
Lunch was leftover casserole that I brought from home and was pretty good and I drank my weight in water throughout the day, so good for me. *pat on the back*
The afternoon started with an email from my union rep, requesting my presence at a meeting with HR. Oh joy. So... insurance has come back, denied my claim for benefit (shocking, I know) and so I have until the end of the week to have my Dr appeal it (which he will) or I have to go immediately back to Full time, do not pass Go, do not collect $200. Then I have to choose between my new job (See: Trained Chimp) or my old job (See: Working directly with Heinous Bitch). A real Sophie's choice, I know.
So I come home, thinking the day was stressful enough to warrant eating my weight in chocolate and ice cream... but I did not. I even had to stop at the store on the way home that was right next to a Starbucks and, though tempted to go in and get a big calorific frapp, I went home and ate an orange.
Some lovely girls came to my house to watch the season finale of "Super Fake Love Show" (Aka, The Bachelor) and we had sushi for dinner and a wee bit of wine. It was likely not the very BEST choice, but I know I could have done a lot worse.
Now said sushi and wine is churning around in my stomach and, despite the fact that it is nearly 4 AM, I am wide awake and dining on Ginger tea and some tums. Ah, the good life.

Still Alive, Still Overweight, Still a Procrastinator

2010-02-28T17:43:00.000-08:00

Okay, here’s the deal: I’m not so good at following through. I wouldn’t go so far as to call myself a flake, I am generally on time and haven’t made a habit of breaking commitments with other people but when it comes to commitments to myself... Not so great. Not so good at all, actually.
I have my blogger page listed in my favourites and every time I see it, I feel a little pang of guilt because I know I should be updating here every day... or at least every week but I have been radio silent for quite some time. The other day, however, my facebook pal reminded me of my blog (thanks Emily!) and so here I am... with my tail between my legs.

All the excuses I have for not updating the blog, for not sticking to my diet plan, my exercise plan or... well, anything... are pretty standard. If you do any research on weight loss, you start to learn that there really are very few unique stories. Most people fall into the same traps, the same patterns and bad habits and I am just one of the many. That’s not supposed to be a grab for pity, it just makes it equally understandable and frustrating because it’s like, “I want to lose weight, but keep trying and failing” and the answer is: “Join the club”.

So here’s the good news: I haven’t gained back the weight I lost on the first week of the detox. I think I got a little too cocky with my first week’s success, though, because I kept thinking: “If I only have to lose a pound a week, I am ahead of the game and don’t have to worry about.” Stupid, stupid. Here’s the other good news: The weight I did lose was with very minimal exercise. To me, that means that if I can get my ass in gear for exercising I will be more successful.

Here’s the bad news: I hate exercising. I can’t even pretend that I like yoga and playing tennis and making an idiot out of myself at aerobics. It’s just not my bag. I think I can make myself do it... but let’s be clear: I will not be “super pumped”. I will schlep my extra 50+ pounds to the gym and work around my bouncy boobs and extra padding, but it will not feel good. Not for a while, anyway. Everything is just so much harder when you are carrying around an Olsen Twin on your back (and front).

The rest of my life has been a bit of a gong show lately. I have decided that I am living in one of two situations: 1) I have horrible luck and bad things happen to and around me on a pretty constant basis or 2) I have the coping skills of a teething 2 year old. I’ve decided not to speculate too much on which one of those is correct because that will just lead to long, self-deprecating mid-twenties crises and a giant Pity Party that won’t help anything.
Here’s a bit of a run down on what you’ve missed on “Stephanie TV” since I disappeared:
- My stomach started to get a lot more stable once the anti-biotics and everything were done, but has since taken to randomly flaring up every couple of days for reasons I can’t quite figure out.
- My job has finally agreed to let me go down to 3 days a week, but only temporarily and only by switching my actual position. Although I make the same hourly wage, I consider it a big “step down” in terms of job responsibilities. Considering I was bored to tears before, I am now driving myself insane. Fewer days at work means less stress for me but also less money for us, which is never a good thing.
- Adrian (who, by the way, has done incredibly well and lost about 15 lbs and has been exercising really regularly) is at a pretty major cross roads for his career and instead of being happy about the new options he is being given (including one with a significant pay raise and expense account), he is just getting super stressed. Super stressed hubby = Incredibly grumpy hubby = very stressful home life.
- Our home renovations for the flood we had in November have finally completed “Phase 1”, but it has been a huge pain in my ass for the last 6 weeks. It also means that now we have to cough up $1,000 to our insurance company to replace our floors for “Phase 2”. It also means we finally get our kitchen back, which has been unusable for a lot of the past couple of months. Yet another excuse I have been using for not sticking to my meal plans, etc.
- I switched my anxiety medication to one at a higher dose which seems to be helping a little, but it was a tough transition and made me feel really shite for a while. It’s better now, but does leave me with the worst taste in my mouth pretty much all the time. I am hoping that this new one doesn’t have any negative impact on my weight loss – I think it is pretty rare that it causes major issues but with my luck you never know!
- The other big possibility is that Adrian may join the RCMP and if he does, will be gone for 6 months and take a significant pay cut. Since we don’t know what’s happening, it is always playing on my mind. If we are BOTH making less money, it’s gonna be really hard to get the bills paid and our house assessment has really gone down this year.

So that’s the big stuff that’s been happening and to say I’ve been feeling a wee bit stressed would be a ridiculous understatement. Stress = Not good for weight loss. Well, Stress = Not good for anything - Especially when you have a pretty considerable anxiety disorder.
I feel like Adrian is at this really definite cross roads in terms of his career and it’s going to really affect what the next several years of our lives will look like. It will determine a lot of whether or not I can go back to school like I want to, when we can afford to buy a proper house, when we can try to start a family, what our income will look like for extra things like holidays to see his family, etc. It is a lot of “wait and see”ing at this point, which I have never been very good at.

The bottom line, though, is that I know it is easy to get caught up in all the drama that might be going on around you but that your health really does have to take priority. For me, this includes the other bombs my body tends to drop on me but I know that it also includes my weight. I know that if I DO want to start a family soon and do all these other things, I HAVE to get some weight off first. I just wish I knew how to focus in on that and make it happen.

Now that I am off Tuesdays and Thursdays, I am thinking it would be a good day to “schedule” in sessions at the gym. I am already paying the membership, I might as well go! It also gives me a day during the week to go out and get groceries without the long line-ups (well, at Costco anyway) and have more time to prepare/cook with an actual meal plan. That’s what I am hoping for, anyway. Tomorrow is the start of a new week, so I guess we’ll just see how it goes!

Weekly Review and Weigh In: Week 3

2010-02-04T21:53:00.001-08:00

Welcome, very late, to Week 3!
As I've already mentioned, I went radio silent for a while and a lot of that has had to do with the fact that I really haven't been feeling well. When I don't feel well, I don't go out. When I don't feel well, I don't eat very much. When I don't feel well, I don't exercise. When I don't feel much, basically, not much happens in my life. When not much happens outside of watching hours of TV and reading books, there is very little to blog about. Unless you all want to hear my opinions on the NBC primetime line up... :)

This might just be one of the challenges that I am going to have for the next 50 weeks and possibly longer than that: Even though I feel like crap, I still want to lose weight. The answer might be that I simply need to Suck It Up more. My Suck It Up skills, though... they aren't so great. I am more of a "Lie down and sleep until everything feels better" kinda girl. I am not above admitting that this might be part of the problem...

Anyway, the week went by without any major disasters in terms of weight loss. I'm sure I had a few things that I shouldn't have eaten, but I know that you have to be able to forgive yourself and just move on from slip-ups so that's what I plan to do.

Anyway, here is my Weigh In:

Weigh In: NO CHANGE
Overall Progress: LOSS – 7 lbs
Goal at this point: 2 lbs lost (which means I am still ahead by 5 lbs, woo!)

Bad, bad blogger!

2010-02-04T21:49:00.001-08:00

I guess I have some splaining to do! I have disappeared off the face of the blogosphere after promising to try and write something almost every day.
I don't have any great excuses, I haven't been feeling well and not much has been going on so I let it slide... but I shouldn't have. I know my adoring public has probably been worried sick, so here I am!

I will be writing some new updates tonight to let you all know what has been happening, but this is just a quick wave of the eHand to say I am still alive. Alive, and blogging!

Panic! At the Costco

2010-01-30T01:58:00.000-08:00

I named this post like I did for two reasons: 1) Panic! At the Disco is the most ridiculous name for a band, but gets stuck in my head whenever I talk about panic and 2) The first place I ever had a bad anxiety attack was in a supermarket. Several years ago, I was in the UK and I went across the street from the house I was living in to Sainsburys grocery store. I hadn’t been feeling well and within moments of arriving, I knew I was really ill and I had to literally run home. After that, every time I went into the Sainsburys I would get a bad feeling in my stomach and would start to feel nervous. This happened over and over again until I couldn’t even go into any grocery store for fear of getting sick, panicking or both.
One of the things that I said I would mention and update my progress on over these 50 weeks is my anxiety issues. It was an important thing for me to address in a public forum because I think that anxiety attacks and panic disorders of any kind, like most issues within the realm of “mental health” can be so taboo to talk about and are so often so misunderstood. I am a big believer in our body being an entirely connected system and that changing one thing can create a domino effect throughout the rest of the body. I think this works in both positive and negative ways, and I am hoping to see this for myself with tangible changes that come with the positive changes I am making in my life.
Although my digestive issues and other health problems that, in hindsight, were probably connected (eczema, insomnia, mild depression) started when I was really young, I did not develop the extreme anxiety and panic that I deal with now.
The actual event of a panic attack is very hard to describe in real terms and can be impossible for someone who has never experienced this sort of panic to understand. I think that there is a misconception that it is just being really nervous or fearful but that is not the way I experience them. I think one of the key differences is the irrationality that part of your brain acknowledges of how your body is reacting to whatever is causing you to panic. While there are definitely those feelings of nervousness and fear to a degree, there is also the struggle to overcome the back and forth your mind does regarding why you are reacting this way. For me personally, the physical symptoms that I experience during a panic attack are completely debilitating and I have, at times, thought I may actually die because I feel that much pent up nervous energy that I can’t release.
The reason I mention this is because I do know that this energy CAN be released through cardio exercise and I have had success with doing defusing panic with strenuous cardio activity. What had happened was this: I was meant to be going to an appointment out in North Vancouver that had several red “anxiety” flags for me: It meant driving on the highway, driving over a bridge, driving during rush hour and having to drive myself there and back (ie. Adrian was not able to come with me). These are problems that I was expecting to deal with, but the accident that occurred just before the bridge was not. As soon as I could turn out, I did but not before I had experienced a full blown panic attack. I missed the appointment and headed back towards home. That day, I also had an appointment scheduled at my local gym to work out with a trainer. Ordinarily, I would have cancelled this appointment because I was still “coming down” from the panic and felt like a crumbling cookie. I showed up, though, jumped onto the treadmill and put the incline way up and went as fast as I could. Before I knew it, the energy that had been flying around my body in fits of fear were now all being expended by the effort it took to work on the treadmill.
Of course, we all know that jumping on the treadmill and raising your heart rate and sweating it out for a while is good for a lot more than just controlling anxiety. If I were able to do that every day, it would be incredibly helpful for getting off these 50 lbs and I suspect would help with my insomnia as well.
Here is the wrench in the plan: My stomach doesn’t like to do anything that requires any sort of jostling and bouncing or basically effort of any kind. As soon as I start moving and grooving, my stomach starts moaning and groaning and will send me by Xpress Post into the nearest restroom. I have never completed a cardio workout in one go, I always have to stop and take a break. Now, at the gym this isn’t really a huge deal. I get off the machine, disappear for a few minutes, hop back on and nobody’s the wiser (except anyone reading this blog, apparently). In day to day life, though, it proves a bit trickier. If I want to go for a stroll around the neighbourhood, for example, I have to be careful to not take on a hill or anything that will get my stomach going. If I do put it to the test and do indeed feel the “need for speed” in terms of getting back to the comfort of my own little girl’s room, I start to panic. The thought of this being a possibility wriggles around in the back of my mind and causes me to avoid these walks altogether. If I look at going backwards then, do I think that the increase in my anxiety caused me to do less exercise (even though I knew it would help)? Yes, I do. And can I see how, by staying close to home most of the time and avoiding walks outside and the like, this could account for some of my weight gain in the first place? Absolutely. I think that by acknowledging how connected all these issues are, it makes them seem like less of a challenge to take on; When I find the right thread, I will be able to pull it and unravel several issues all at once.
The best way that I have been able to control my anxiety, up until this point, has been avoidance and medication. I want to cut back on both of these, so I will just have to find smaller and more comfortable ways of working on these things until I can see real progress.
If anyone reading this is having issues with anxiety and feels embarrassed or uncomfortable talking to someone about it, please feel free to email me. I may not always have answers, but I definitely think it’s something that having the support of other people who know what you are going through can be really comforting.

Wagon? What wagon?

2010-01-27T23:21:00.000-08:00

I have fallen off the wagon. From where I am, I cannot even see the wagon.
My old bad habits are proving harder to break than I had hoped and since coming off the detox, I have not been very successful in maintaining healthy habits.
As I have mentioned before, a really bad habit that I have is not eating. I can go all day without eating and not even feel hungry and then eat a whole bunch, late at night, and let it sit in my stomach as I shuffle off to bed. I'm sure that if metabolisms get a score between 1 and 100, I am batting about a 25. Maybe lower, but I don't want to be too pessimistic.
What's frustrating me is this: I know what to do. I know you are supposed to eat every couple of hours, I know about fiber and calories and simple carbs and blah, blah, blah. For some reason, though, I can't follow through on it. I have the knowledge, but not the ability to put it into action.
I don't really want to divulge all the big "no no"s I have committed, but let's just say I even let myself get super hungry and eat from a drive-through.
So tomorrow is a new day and here's hoping I can try to get back on track ASAP. My Weigh In will still come up on Sunday and I am really hoping my bad behaviour won't catch up with me to undo the weight I've lost so far.
I need to do another shopping trip so I can load up on healthy food. I think maybe I need to plan a shopping trip at the same time every week so I always have good food in the house.
Mister Obvious says: These 50 pounds are gonna be really friggin' hard to lose.

Workin' 9-5: What a way to earn a livin'

2010-01-24T17:15:00.001-08:00

Tomorrow marks my return to work after being off for the better part of the last 2 weeks because of this infection I've had that's made me so sick.
I am always apprehensive about going back to work after having a period of time off due to illness, but I feel especially anxious about it this time because of the length of time I was away. I am also especially disappointed because, as I noted here on this blog, one of my goals for this New Year was to miss less work due to illness. The thing that poses me the biggest problem is the way it affects my relationships with the people I work with. Unfortunately, there are some bad apples in my fruit basket of colleagues and some rumours of whether or not I am a big ol' faker have been passed around. Knowing that this is the impression the people I spend more time with than my own family have of me is enough to make me never want to show up to work again because, as much as I tell myself that they can jump up their own asses, I can't help but care what other people think of me.
When you've had problems with your health the way I have you start to recognise that there are certain consequences that are going to come along with that. It definitely limits my life in far more ways than just work and I have lost friends and created strained relationships with people in my family because of it. My integrity, however, has never been called into question the way it has at my current position. It doesn't seem to matter how many times my various doctors can provide the information they ask for, they want more and more proof that I'm not staying home to watch day time TV or taking mini holidays. I wish I knew how to seperate myself from it but the truth is that it does hurt my feelings and make me feel a very definite way about some of the people I work with.
I have long suspected that I am not the type of person who is cut out to work Monday-Friday, 9-5 but that it what I have been doing for the last several years. I'd really love to be able to find a job where I could work fewer days and go to school so I could actually (finally!) finish my degree and move on to a career that I actually enjoy. I am always searching for work I can do for fewer days, do partly or entirely from home or have a more flexible schedule but there just isn't very much out there at the moment.
Until I find my dream job, though, I am back to the office. Cubicle, here I come!

Weekly Review and Weigh In: Week 2

2010-01-24T17:12:00.000-08:00

It’s amazing how quickly a week can go by when you are asleep for most of it... I have been “resting” as ordered by my doctor, which for me includes many naps and watching old episodes of “Buffy the Vampire Slayer”. (Side Note: I am beginning to see why I was so disillusioned by relationships when I was younger consider I based my “true love goal” on that of one between a vampire with a soul and a vampire slayer. I went through a phase last year of watching old episodes of “Dawson’s Creek”, another high school favourite, and came to a similar realization when I watched Pacey give Joey a wall... How I ever thought any regular teenage boys would add up I do not know. But, oh, I do hold a special place in my heart for Angel and Pacey). Last night I went out for the first time to a friend’s Going Away party and got home after midnight. My body was so unimpressed with this “going out” business that I came home and promptly fell asleep.
This week has been tricky and I have been dreading my Weigh In today because I have been doing a whole lot of missing meals and eating thing I definitely wasn’t eating Week 1. I did, however, get on the scale this morning. Before that, here is my Week in Review:

Pats on the back:
- Drank a decent amount of water
- Got lots of rest and got right on antibiotics for infection hiccup
- Spoke to Dr about switching medication for anxiety and am currently trying a new one

Kicks in the Pants:
- Missed a lot of meals
- Did not plan out meals in advance and stick to it
- Did not exercise AT ALL this week

Weigh In: GAINED 0.5 lbs
Overall Progress: LOSS – 7 lbs
Goal at this point: 2 lbs lost (which means I am still ahead by 5 lbs, woo!)

I am actually quite pleased with this as a result. I was concerned that I would gain back all my first week’s progress because I fell off the wagon so much this week in terms of planning, eating regularly and getting in enough nutrients. I suspect that I won’t be so lucky in future weeks if this happens and I’m not toting a nasty infection, so will be very careful in the coming weeks to not undo the progress I have made so far.

Well, isn't that special...

2010-01-19T17:27:00.000-08:00

When I was seven years old, I got a stomach ache. In the 20 years since then, my health has fluctuated more than the US dollar and has inspired many Ben Stiller movie-esque scenes of embarrassment. Although I am still not entirely sure WHY my stomach behaves the way it does, I have had 20 years of dealing with its various temper tantrums and... Let’s just call them ‘flash floods’. You would think that one of the benefits of this many years of experience would be a greater knowledge and understanding of my body’s many complaints and that I, like a trained ninja, would know how to deflect and counter each one. To a degree, this is true. My stomach comes at me with feeling super acidy, I expertly counter with extra over the counter antacid with prescription acid reducer, HI-YA! My stomach attacks with sharp pains, I deflect with buscopan and really strong peppermint tea, BLAM! I feel a sneak-attack of grumbling and churning below my belly button, I switch to extreme bland diet and don’t make plans to leave the house that day. I would say about 70% of the time, I know what’s what in terms of my stomach but every so often my body still manages to flummox me. This brings me to what has been happening since my last blog entry. As my loyal readers are aware, I have been dealing with an unhappy stomach since a few days into my detox. My theory was that the super increase of fibre and reduction of soluble (AKA Easy to digest!) carbohydrates had sent my digestive tract into a tizzy that would soon correct itself. The trouble was, my “go to” eating plan for when my stomach is bad and the rules of the detox did not mesh so I had to call it quits on the detox and give my belly a little TLC. Unfortunately, my tried and true tricks did not seem to work and I actually found myself feeling worse. Not only was my stomach playing it’s normal pranks on me, but whole new symptoms were being thrown into the mix. I had a headache, I was dizzy and incredibly nauseous. Being the medical professional that the World Wide Web allows me to be, I decided that I was simply dehydrated and could remedy that myself as well. Unfortunately, this also failed to resolve my issues and I spent all of Sunday night in a cold sweat and shaking like a leaf until I finally got up and took my temperature: 101.8 degrees. Well, now I am confounded. My stomach, for all its quirks and inconsistency, could not cause a fever like that. I took some Tylenol and, since I already had a Dr’s appointment booked for the next day, just tried to get some sleep. Cut to: Me in the shower the next day. Alright, don’t linger too long on that image... As I think I have mentioned before, I got a breast reduction in June of last year. Since then, I have no feeling around where my incision scars are still healing. I noticed that on one side, I looked like I had a major sunburn. It felt hot to touch, but it didn’t hurt... mostly because I couldn’t feel anything. I went to the Dr and told him how I had been feeling and, as an afterthought, mentioned the redness on my chest. He took a look and turns out, I have mastitis cellulitis... or, an infection of breast tissue that can apparently make you quite sick.
That brings me to today: I am on heavy duty antibiotics, my fever and headache are finally subsiding and I am very achy in the chest region. The last few days have been so crappy that I didn’t even feel up to looking at the computer screen long enough to update my blog, which is why I have been radio silent for a bit. Now I am all kinds of curious about what affected my stomach at what point and if there was anything I could have done to avoid this mess. It has also presented me with some challenges regarding my weight loss: I have been so sick that I don’t think I have gotten a lot of nutrition out of the food I have been eating, which hasn’t been much because I’ve been so nauseated. I haven’t been exercising because of this either. I feel Sunday approaching and my Weigh In and I just hope that my big 1st week success won’t be completely gone by the time all this clears out of my system.

Weekly Review and Weigh In: Week 1

2010-01-18T00:38:00.000-08:00

My first week on my 50 lbs in 50 weeks challenge has come to an end and I have certainly been through some ups and downs. This week was especially difficult because of the strict Detox I have been on that I have called off 2 days early due to the stress it was causing my touchy tummy. So here is my Week in Review:
Pats on the Back:
- Drank a good amount of water every day
- Stuck to my eating plan of the detox diet, until I ended it early
- Did a lot of cooking and tried out new, healthy recipes

Kicks in the Pants:
- Did not get my 3-5 days of exercise in, mostly due to feeling so poorly
- Fell back into the habit of not eating frequently enough when I wasn't feeling well
- Probably stayed too long on the detox when it obviously wasn't agreeing with me

Originally, I wasn't going to weigh myself until Day 10 but because I have ended the detox early I weighed myself tonight. I will be Weighing In every Sunday for the remainder of the challenge.

Weigh In: LOST 7.5 lbs

Of course, I am pleased with the weight loss but it is hard to feel celebratory when today has been such a struggle. I suspect that the weight loss is due to being so sick, such severely limiting my food intake and water weight loss. I am definitely not expecting this every week!

Day 7: DONE with Detox

2010-01-18T00:31:00.000-08:00

At the end of my last post, I stated with determination that I would keep to this detox plan for the full 9 days. A mere one day later I have changed my mind and have now ended my Detox after 7 days. Throughtout this whole week I have not been feeling 100%, but yesterday I was so sick that it was really the last straw. I woke up this morning so dehydrated and sick that I could barely function. It's no wonder I was so dehydrated considering how ill I'd been the day before, but it made me start to re-evaluate what I am doing. In the end, everyday health trumps weight loss goals so I had to give up on all the veggies and fruits and give myself digestive system some well deserved rest.
That is why, on this Sunday evening, I am nibbling on plain rice and sipping ginger tea and just hoping I can keep it down.
Since I finished my Detox, I did weigh myself and my Week In Review (with Weigh In) is on it's way.

Day 6: Getting totally fed up with Detoxing!

2010-01-16T13:11:00.000-08:00

When I started the 9-Day Detox (which I believe I may have called a 10-Day Detox in earlier posts, so I will try to find and correct) I thought it would go like this: Days 1-3 would be hell with cravings and such and then, once in the swing of things, would lose the cravings and start to feel like superwoman. Instead, I found it has gone like this: Days 1-3 were not that hard, cravings weren't too bad and I felt like I could carry on the diet for 9 days no problemo. Aside from my stomach issues, which might be a problem on any given day regardless of what I am doing, my body felt fine. Days 4 and 5, however, have been a lot harder. I am getting totally fed up with this detox business and wanted some regular food so badly yesterday I felt like an addict on Intervention before the intervention... I think I literally went through all the stages of grief in about 5 minutes thinking about chocolate. I think I did that about ten times.
I am starting to wonder if, once I am allowed things like cereal and some meat protein, the cravings for the really 'bad' things won't be as bad because I am eating a larger variety of foods.
Food was much the same as it has been the last few days, which the exception of adding some "Yam fries" to the menu at dinner. I made some tzatziki (Low fat plain yogurt (strained), cucumber, garlic, lemon juice) and used that to dip the yams in (Thank you, Arley!). Having the yams was a really nice change and because they feel more "carb-like" I did feel more satisfied after eating them as opposed to the brown rice that I am getting oh-so sick of.
I was doing some research yesterday about this whole "Fat Smash Diet" business because come Day 10, I haven't decided if I will follow that plan or venture out more on my own. There is a lot out there that says the Detox phase is unhealthy, unnecessary and the only reason you lose weight is because of the severe caloric deficiency. When I was feeling fed up, that seemed like someone had thrown me a life preserver but I think I'd feel really shite about not being able to do what I set out to. For right now, I will stick to this 9-Day Detox and just hope that all the food I am missing out on right now will taste that much better once it's over.

Day 5: Ice Cream, Garlic Bread and Popcorn

2010-01-15T09:11:00.000-08:00

No no, I didn't eat any of these things today... but I was craving them in a big way. Adrian calls ice cream my "Achilles' Heel" because, if I had the choice, I would literally live off of ice cream. I don't understand people who say they don't like ice cream.. There are like a thousand flavours, who could not like ice cream?? a real mystery...
Anyway, now that I am a few days into this Detox I find myself craving things I don't even eat... Example: Last night, I was watching TV and a commercial for some restaurant food chain that we don't even have in Canada came on, advertising shrimp. I hate shrimp and would never get it at a restaurant and yet if I could have jumped through the TV screen and eaten the shrimp and all the accompaniments, I just might have. Funny that.
After this detox, I will be able to add back in meat (which for me will be poultry, fish and lean red meat) and some other things like cereal and nuts. I am already fantasizing about the first meal I cook with protein that isn't lentils or beans.
Speaking of cooking, all this planning and cooking is getting to be a real pain in the ass. I actually do like cooking, but when you are so limited in what you can cook and have to spend so much time prepping all these fresh veggies... it's not always a joy. I'm sure that as I get more used to it I will find lower maintenance ways to cook with all these veggies but I do miss the days of chicken and pasta. And takeout. :)

Day 5 went pretty well and, other than my stomach still being in full-time revolt, I think I am actually starting to feel a difference from all this clean eating business. I might be imagining, and wishful thinking, it but I will take any small positive and run with it. Especially when I can't have garlic bread.
Other than going to work, I really haven't left the house very much since starting the detox other than for grocery shopping, etc. Last night, we went over to a friend's house and they were just finishing up dinner. We purposely ate at home (veggie stir fry without the oil on brown rice and carrot soup) but it was still hard being around the cheese and crackers and other snacky things that were out. At one point, I felt so hungry that I took them up on their leftover salad and felt much better afterwards. I even left out the things in the salad I wasn't supposed to have like figs and almonds.

AND I finally got my exercising in today, yay me. 30 minutes on the exercise bike, so not exactly Olympic training but I felt good about getting it done. I still need to do two more days to get my three days this week, which means Friday and Saturday.

I give this day a C+... It would have been better if my stomach would calm the hell down and if I wasn't feeling so hungry and cravy (new word, go with it) but still a pass!

Blogosphere Shout Out

2010-01-14T16:07:00.000-08:00

My BFF Arley has been writing a blog over at http://youngandhip.blogspot.com for the past several months, chronically her post-op life after a hip replacement. It's mucho hilarious so check it out!!

Day 4

2010-01-13T22:26:00.000-08:00

Day 4 went much the same as Day 3. I haven't cheated on the detox diet, but I am still probably not eating as much as I should be. My stomach did a decent job of keeping me up last night, but I felt not too bad this morning.
I had yogurt for breakfast and then had oatmeal and fruit for lunch. I thought I was starting to feel a lot better when my stomach seemed to suddenly turn on me in a big way. I think one of the reasons might have been related to some panic/anxiety I had today. I was unexpectedly left alone to drive out to an appointment in heavy traffic that sent me into panic. Being stuck in traffic is my biggest "anxiety trigger" so I think this may have helped send my stomach into a tizzy.

I had some lentil soup and an orange later in the day.

For dinner, we had my parents for dinner and I served the carrot soup I made last night (served with a dollop of plain, non fat yogurt on top) and then spaghetti squash "noodles" with vegetable stew as the sauce. It was pretty good and my parents didn't seem to mind the "detox" meal, so that was nice.

For a late night snack, I made Pumpkin Pie Smoothies for Adrian and I. It was delicious and so nice to have a "treat"! The recipe is: Low fat vanilla yogurt, canned pumpkin, skim milk, crushed ice and pumpkin pie spice. Yum!

As far as exercise goes... still no dice. At this point, I need to get 30 minutes in every day for the next three days to make my "3 times a week" goal. Bah!