50? Now what!

Shingles Vaccine

2023-07-27T21:38:00.001-05:00

Just a picture of my rescue fail Roxie.

I got my second Shingles vaccine today. I felt emotional afterwards. That's one less thing I'll have to worry about suffering from in my older years. I never thought I would be able to get it because they're so expensive! $370 for both shots but I swear it was at least double that last time I checked. It had depressed me that being poor could keep me from better health. Then I saw my health department had received a grant to give free shingles vaccines to those over 60. I couldn't dial their number fast enough!

If you need the shingles vaccine call your health department. My fingers are crossed your's can bring you peace of mind too.

Shoe Shopping

2023-06-01T16:14:00.000-05:00

Spring is here! Also my new foster-fail puppy who I'll talk about another time chewed up my favorite pair of sandals. They were getting old but I figured they had one more season in them before I had to replace them.

Of course I was mad, but more importantly that meant I had to go shoe shopping. Ick. Now don't get me wrong, I love a brand new pair of shoes, but it's such an ordeal now that I'm older. When I was in my twenties I'd twirl into the shoe section/store, see a pair that I liked, maybe squeal if they were super cute, try them on, and twirl back out with new shoes. NOW I have bunions and cranky arches that need extra support. Last fall I was in Shoe Carnival for over an hour wandering isle to isle mumbling to myself as I compared the merits of one boot to another. The best part of that trip is wandering past another "mature" woman having an argument with herself holding two different shoes and feeling that I had found a shoe-sister.

After prepping myself with a stop for a soft drink, I headed to the shoe store prepared for an all afternoon expedition. On the second isle I saw them. My first thought was "I'm sure they won't fit" but I picked up the Bob's by Sketchers slip-ons and tried them on. I was immediately confused because they fit perfectly! Great arch support, wide enough, and adorable! Honestly I didn't know what to do! I walked back and forth down the isle staring down at my feet. Finally I put them back in their box and hugged it protectively. After what had to have been five minutes I grudgingly tried on a second pair of some kind just... because? Nope. Finally I went to the register and purchased my miracles.

A month later I'm still in awe. I also plan to buy a second pair because, get this, they're machine washable! Now how adorable are these?! My best friend said they really fit my personality.

Cravings

2023-04-24T11:54:00.001-05:00

Probably three months ago I got a craving for waffles. I have a waffle maker but I didn't want homemade, oh no. I was specifically craving the frozen waffles you put in a toaster from my childhood.

Whenever I was at the grocery store and I suddenly realized I was standing in the frozen section staring lovingly at the boxes of textured hockey pucks I would admonish myself. I'd say "Self! You know you'll eat maybe half of a waffle and realize how disgusting they taste and then you'll have all these frozen waffles taking up space in the freezer. Then after a while you'll be forced to give them to the dogs as treats or toss them."

I'd reply "I know! I know! I just can't get the thought out of my head! Why can't I quit thinking about them?"

I kept dragging myself away but then one day in Dollar Tree I saw this box of six waffles for $1.25. I finally gave in using the reasoning that the craving wasn't going away and at least this was a small box so less waffles sitting in my freezer.

Almost the moment I got home I threw one in the air fryer to crisp up the outside. Then I smeared a little butter and a squiggle of syrup on it and sat down to prove to myself how stupid cravings could be. It. Was. Delicious! OMG! I couldn't believe how enjoyable it tasted!

I don't know why turning 60 has brought such waves of nostalgia. I know it's normal, and I'm not saying I'm not enjoying revisiting childhood treats. I guess I just wish this would have happened sooner. I wish I had revisited 20 years ago or just always through my life. But here we are and I honestly hope I don't Debbie Downer myself next time and just dive right in and embrace my sentimentality.

DeNovo

2023-01-30T21:47:00.000-06:00

A few weeks ago my son walked up and gave me a photo he had found on the floor. It was one of my dog DeNovo taken when she was a puppy and I honestly have no clue how it got there! She had been on my mind lately, so maybe she was letting me know she's okay and is still looking over me.

Twenty-eight years ago I took in a very pregnant Malamute named She-Ra. I knew it was just until a friend of a friend of a friend was able to take care of her again but through that I was gifted with a litter of puppies to squeal over, and a very special pup to enter my life. I named her DeNovo after a character in a Rex Stout Mystery and it meant "to begin again" or "to start a new". I had had cats for many years, and was still mourning the loss of all three that had died in a short time. Dudette had feline leukemia and died in my arms, I found Cecilia in my back yard. Possibly she was hit by a car as she showed no symptoms of F.L., and my little Tinkerbelle just disappeared. I looked everywhere and put up posters, but never found out what happened. I hope she found another person to take her in.

But DeNovo, who was Malamute and Akita, was special. We had a bond that was stronger than any dog I had ever had or have had and to this day I miss her terribly.

I know I need to put the photo in my photo box before it gets damaged, but I sat it on the coffee table and through the day glance at her. It just makes me happy if not a little misty-eyed. I like the idea that she watches out for me and I strongly believe we will be reunited. Why I feel so strongly is for the first 30 days after she passed at the age of 13 I dreamed of traveling to a field of flowers where I would get to see my DeNovo. We would lay in the field and I would tell her how much I loved and missed her. On the last visit I was told by a woman who never seemed happy to see me my special girl had moved on.

I woke myself crying.

I lost my Heeler mix Shady last Spring after 15 1/2 years so maybe DeNovo was telling me Shady is with her now. That would be wonderful! I could fill up several pages on this subject to be honest!

It has taken several months to write this post. I miss DeNovo and Shady so much. Pets hold a special place in our hearts.

The DMV

2022-11-21T12:31:00.001-06:00

It was that dreadful time. The drivers license renewal. I had recently gotten new glasses and was confident about the eye test, but lordy have mercy I was NOT ready for the photograph! I want to know what evil monster is behind the invention of the camera that takes license photos! Maybe my new license is haunted and that's actually a snapshot of the ghost inside!

Driving home I said aloud to myself "If I just looked ten years younger I could live with this!"

Once home I took a few quick selfies first thing and low and behold I did look at least ten years younger than the license photo! After breathing a sigh of relief I mumbled "did I just waste a secret wish on ten years? Should've said twenty."

I know I'm getting old. I get that. I also understand I'm not in a tax bracket to afford a facelift. I mean, if I was offered a free facelift if I got to the plastic surgeon's office in 20 minutes I wouldn't have to think about it for even a second. I would break traffic laws to get there! Until that happens I do what I can. Every morning and night I scrub my face and apply a good moisturizer. I also take a hyaluronic acid supplement daily to help retain moisture in my skin.

I decided through this experience it was time to take a new photo to replace the over a decade old one I have been using in profiles. Some looked like I was constipated. Others had the "resting bitch face". After many tries I settled on the "has-been comedian" pose. It's not bad for 61 is it? It's heads above the DMV at least!

Do I really have to remind you not to steal my face? Just in case, you do not have my permission to use my photo.

My new profile photo. I can honestly say it's better than the DMV's.

Stolen Thunder

2022-11-12T16:21:00.001-06:00

A year ago I was invited to a wedding. While we were/still are in the Pandemic, the bride assured me there would be safeguards in place including having the ceremony outside and spacing the guest chairs. To say I was excited to BE GOING SOMEWHERE is an understatement. I was bonkers excited! I wanted to scream I was so happy! BHP and I even left a day early so we could visit his grandmother's grave and shower it with flowers. He hadn't been to visit since he was a teen so I was more than happy to go. Yeah, this part is off topic, but grave visits are important in my opinion.

Anyway it was an amazing wedding! It incorporated a nod to their shared Scottish heritage and I was blown away by her dress! BHP probably had a bruised shoulder from the number of times I banged on it through the updates leading up to and the wedding itself. They're! Taking! A! Train! To! Chicago! For the honeymoon! I want to take a train anywhere some day. It just seems so romantic to a person who lives somewhere passenger trains never come.

I need to get to the point of this post!

When our (20 yo) son was first out of high school he was gung-ho to start an algae farm. He recently dropped the idea because his research showed it wasn't as big of a moneymaking idea as he was first led to believe. I was so proud of him for researching! But at the wedding reception when the mother of the bride asked me how the son was, I started talking about the farm what was then still a future possibility. She stopped me and said "oh, yea, *insert relative's name* told us." I was taken aback why this person who has several children of their own not to mention something like 18-75 grandchildren AND 7-559 great grandkids and who HAD to have some damn news they could have talked about instead from at least one or two had to steal my thunder about my ONLY CHILD. I guarantee the relative rolled their eyes and laughed when they told her. I vowed right then to never tell them anything else ever again!

But... I started thinking... "hum...will that bring me joy?" I mean, I'm not going to go out of my way, but I made a point last time they called of mentioning the 6' tall, freezer on the bottom, refrigerator the son bought us for no reason other than he had a vendetta against the old one. Something fell off the top, broke the plate he was carrying which cut his hand so it was on! I figure that pissed them off. Maybe enough to glare at their own brood and possibly enough not to share it with the whole family tree because it's something good. Time will tell by someone else mentioning it to me as they're the only one I told as a test. Will I make stuff up and see how far it travels through the family? Tempting but no. I have enough trouble remembering real events. I don't want to have to remember fake bs.

Seriously though, he's really a great kid- or young man really. A few years back he said he's not cutting his hair until the world is a better place. Of course it's beautiful!

Shut Up Imaginary Woman!

2022-11-04T10:21:00.000-05:00

I woke after a solid 6 hours of sleep this morning. I hadn't been sleeping well, so I was happy to know I'd be starting this Friday more rested than I had been. From there the morning went downhill. Yay.

On the way to pick up BHP and our son from work (they both work 3rd shift) I decided I didn't like the truck in front of me. They were going the speed limit and weren't driving in any way erratically, but the unknown driver was getting on my nerves for existing within my field of vision. Lucky for me there were two lanes, so by switching I was able to change scenery to a little car that wasn't annoying and on I drove.

The boy immediately irritated me by getting in the car and saying "hello", and his dad I think tried to be funny in the grocery store that to my ears sounded like a personal attack. The freshly made old-fashioned style donut BHP bought me at our favorite donut shop was a smart move on his part. All the sweet glaze on a deepfried circle of dough gave him and our son a few moments of reprieve. It was unfortunately a fleeting moment in a sea of storm whipped emotion.

After my passengers finally decided to shut the hell up and let me sulk in quiet, this stupid voice in my head started telling me how grateful I should be to not be alone and to suck it up! Let me tell you I told that imaginary woman off and where she could shove her advice! The nerve of her!

My joints ached and I just wanted to be alone with a mug of coffee or tea somewhere. I don't get waking time by myself much, and this morning I really wanted some while knowing full well it wouldn't happen. I mean, sure, BHP and son go to bed in the late mornings, but they're still in the house. At that moment the circumference of my bubble had expanded to include said house, so they were invading my personal space.

I tried to sit on the porch with our pointer/hound mix. The neighbor across the street almost immediately walked out of his house and began to use his leaf blower. Come on! Really?!

I know this mood will pass and I'll feel "normal" later. My guess is it's tied to that lovely, lovely menopause which I'm still waiting to go away. The night sweats thankfully ended and I'm grateful for that, and I would have to say the Linda Blair level mood swings have been limited to just a few with this one being the worst in my opinion.

Maybe a nap? I don't know, but it sounds like a plan.

My porch companion, Emrys. He barked at Mr. Leaf Blower. It was just a single "borf" but he got his point across. I told him he was a good boi.

Do not copy. He's our good boi not yours.

Cliques

2022-10-13T12:00:00.001-05:00

I graduated high school in 1980. It would be five years before The Breakfast Club would premiere in theaters showing how five kids from different cliques would discover they had more in common than any of them knew. I've seen it many, many times over the years, but in high school did not live it. Cliques I mean. I wasn't popular, but I also wasn't hated or shunned by fellow students and felt no animosity towards them. Other students would say hello to me in the halls, and while I wasn't invited to any cool parties, I was more apt to hang with a few close friends or at my brother and sister-in-law's house. I was once told it was because my family had been in the area since the late 1800's so I got a pass as being "local". I have no idea how to verify this as true or false, so I don't know where to add to or link it in my imaginary storyboard or where to run the red yarn from the pushpins.

I did experience "rejections" later in life though.

When my son was in preschool a few of the younger mothers had a odd little clique and one mom especially would quite hatefully make sure I knew I wasn't invited to join their circle. I found it amusing that these young women were, I assumed from the dozen times I had watched The Breakfast Club at this point (see how I tied that together?), trying to relive a high school experience they had had or missed out on. Like being the "cool moms" maybe?

I became a mom at 40, so was at such a different place in my life than them. I graduated college with a BA in Communications, burned through millions if not billions of brain cells in my 20's and 30's, and I may have mentioned I met fricking WOLF MAN JACK!

One thing I wonder about is if I'm going to run into cliques as I age. I don't plan to move to a retirement home, I don't plan to move anywhere, but I also know most things that will happen in my "golden years" won't be planned or even possibly wanted. Is it a common worry or a common experience? I have no clue but I assume any time you put a group of people together, like the preschool mom's I mentioned, there will almost always be "those types" who will want to be seen as better than everyone else.

“With age comes wisdom, but sometimes age comes alone."

-Oscar Wilde

This is me getting ready to graduate high school and conquer the world.

Reflection

2022-09-22T10:04:00.001-05:00

Yesterday morning we had some grocery shopping to do. I was in the frozen section and caught my reflection in the glass door and it made me sad. Some days I forget I'm as old as I am for a moment and then I see myself. That whole "growing old gracefully" is BS.

It's normal to feel down sometimes. We're allowed to have our moments of grief, sadness, anger, or whatever you're feeling in any given moment. Just don't stay in that darkness. You deserve better than that! It's also okay to tell someone who quips 'it's better than the alternative' to fuck all the way off. I hate those people.

Where Are They Now?

2022-09-10T18:49:00.001-05:00

Have you ever been sitting doing nothing much and suddenly thought "Huh. I wonder what such-and-who is doing?" In this age of the internet you can do a search and possibly find out. Many times the choices involve obituaries as you get older. Sometimes you're not surprised and other times it can be sad knowledge that darkens the rest of your day. Of course you may find them on Facebook or other locations and you get to see a familiar face smile back though now older.

I've been looking for one childhood friend every-so-often for several years. I don't know if I would contact her if I found her, but I would love to see her smile.

John Farnham

2022-08-28T21:29:00.001-05:00

I've been keeping up on John Farnham's surgery. He was Little River Band's lead singer from 1982-86. If you haven't heard he had a marathon 11 1/2 hour surgery on 8/23 to remove a cancerous tumor from his mouth and jaw reconstruction as they had to remove part of his jaw. Today the hospital reports he's awake and in stable condition.

I just wanted to send healing energy and hope for a speedy recovery. 💚

Reminiscing

2022-08-23T12:13:00.001-05:00

I took this picture several years ago. Notice the chunk out of it's wing, yet it still flew away.

Someone may wonder about how my "Going Fangirl" post helps with getting older? Beats me! I mean, this blog is just the ramblings from a "mature woman".

Although... I have noticed my thoughts turning backwards more than it did when I was younger. I even gave it a Google and now I have "Reminiscing" by the Little River Band stuck in my head. Granted, it's a good song and does kinda fit this subject.

It's perfectly fine to think of the past. It's your choices of thoughts that matters. To throw yourself a pity-party and roll around in bitter thought-mud doesn't help unless it also includes remembering how you handled it to have a positive outcome. Not just "I survived" but steps you took then that can help you improve your now. If all you're doing is wallowing in the muck then please try to stop the self torture. It can effect your mental and physical health in the now. I found out anger can increase inflammation, which is associated with illnesses like heart disease, arthritis and cancer, though mostly in those 80 and older. That's from The American Psychological Association.

On the flip side, stop with the "my childhood was perfect because I drank out of a hose and you younger hooligans suck" posts and attitude! What was perfect was not having bills to worry about because you were a KID, having a young body that didn't creak, pop, and hurt all the time, and not having to fix your own and everyone elses meals (which is a personal gripe of mine. My son will roll his eyes when I go off on a rant of how when I was in my twenties I'd eat a can of green beans for dinner and it wasn't necessary to cook full blown meals and WHY DO Y'ALL NEED TO EAT EVERY DAY! Go graze in the kitchen your own damn self! Honestly he's good at that... Oops Off topic.) But do you honestly think your parents saw your "good ole' days" as their good ole' days? Of course not!

Thinking back on happy memories, I feel and science agrees, can naturally boost Dopamine and Serotonin. Just don't mentally move there. Like a TV show you return to the present afterwards.

You know how they say your life flashes before your eyes before you die? Isn't this similar? I mean the death part is decades away knock-on-wood, but we begin to ask ourselves "did my life matter in the big scheme of things? Did I make a difference in other's lives? Was I a good person?" Just because we didn't cure cancer doesn't mean our existence wasn't important.

What did I learn?

I had just enough in my Amazon gift card balance to get Little River Band's Greatest Hits! Yeah!

But seriously, I can check a lot of these boxes of what not to do. I've "won" arguments with a brilliant comeback against someone who's been dead for a decade or more. There are times when anger is needed. Like letting someone irl know you're angry instead of holding it in, or if that anger leads to activism, but to look backwards and be angry at things you can't change can be harmful. One of the good things that has come from the Pandemic is that you can seek help right on your phone. I'm not going to recommend any specific place, but there is NOTHING WRONG with saying "I need help", okay? Okay!

Going Fangirl

2022-08-22T08:47:00.027-05:00

I took this picture at a motel I used to work at. Originally I captioned it "If he doesn't stop staring at me I'm gonna cut him"

I've met a few famous individuals in my life. IMO these are the highlights:

I met and got a photo with Mr. Greenjeans and the puppet Mr. Moose from Captain Kangaroo when I was 7-8 years old. The photo is nowhere to be found now.

This one is wild! When I was 13 these two guys performed at my Junior High. I got their autographs and later discovered one of them became my coworker at the ABC affiliate in Springfield, MO 12ish years later. Wayne Milnes would play Sammy B. Goode and I would be his Audio Technician. He was a busy man through his life and worked all over Branson, MO including Silver Dollar City where we also crossed paths when I was 15 when he played skits as the judge. I had a photo but lost that one in the memento box crime I'll talk about in a bit. He was an incredibly talented man and a great guy may he rest in peace.

While at the same TV station (KSPR) I got to put a microphone on John Goodman and lightly chat with him. He was in town for a telethon. The best part is this put me 2 degrees from Kevin Bacon in the game Six Degrees from Kevin Bacon! They've been in 5 movies together.

Now, at this point I've led you to my "fan girl" moment. After KSPR-TV, I went back to radio. This would have been around 1990. The station, KLTQ (Q-96) FM sponsored a concert with singers/bands from the 60's and 70's. The MC was Wolfman Jack from movies (does American Graffiti ring a bell?) and for me most importantly the late night TV show "The Midnight Special" that was broadcast through my teen years. The GM of the station asked me if I wanted to meet him. I said sure, and the moment I saw him just sitting in a chair relaxing before the show this SQUEAL rose out of my throat and I started shaking. WOLFMAN JACK WAS RIGHT THERE! WOLFMAN JACK! RIGHT THERE! SITTING IN A CHAIR AND NOW LOOKING SLIGHTLY ALARMED... I tried to calm down and asked him to sign the T-shirt in my hands which he did. But the BAD part is every time I've mentioned this no one seems to understand. Actually I was a bit surprised at my reaction but I'm not the least bit ashamed at going total fan girl. It was Wolf-freaking-man-OMG-JACK! The bad part is I didn't get a photo of us together to lose later. Damn it! But cheer up! I did lose the T-shirt. Actually it was stolen out of a U-Haul when I was packing to move by myself across town. The whole box of demo tapes, mementos that included my autograph book from Junior High, my picture of Wayne as the judge at SDC, and my music cassette collection swiped out of the back. People suck, except Wolfman Jack. Howl for the Wolfman!

Funeral Playlist

2022-08-15T08:31:00.127-05:00

About a year ago I heard a beautiful song on a local LP (low power) blues/jazz radio station. It was a song by Anthony Gomes titled "Darkest Before the Dawn". I highly recommend listening. It's absolutely beautiful! But I bring this up because I had a thought I had never had in my life before as the music washed over my soul:

"I want this played at my funeral".

Such a weird thing to think yet there it was. I'm healthy, no physical problems to worry me, and beyond an occasional fleeting idea of maybe I should decide where I want to be buried (though definitely cremation as I'm claustrophobic) I really haven't planned anything.

I called my best friend and asked her if this had ever happened to her. She got very animated and began telling me about her "funeral playlist" that she had had for years. Then she rattled off the top ten songs. You have to understand she has never shied away from the subject of death. She has worked in nursing homes and funeral homes at different points in her life. She would volunteer to sit with people at the nursing home in their last hours so they wouldn't be alone in the end. She has told me it's a peaceful experience. She's also a very organized person. She has her plot bought and has had it paid for since her 30's.

Then there's me who has one song and the idea of cremation. Am I supposed to be on this thing? Should I have this wrapped up with a bow by now? My parents did. My brother has already asked me if I minded he take the last space at our paternal family plot in our home town. Of course I said yes and he put his marker in place.

I mean, of course I've had fleeting thoughts through the years. For a time I wanted to have an extended vacation after death at a Body Farm. I discovered the list of future volunteers is longer than needed. I'm also an organ donor and if by chance parts of me can go on to help others I would be turned down for not only a Body Farm but it would make me useless for a medical school as well. That makes it hard to go that route.

I have thought of a few things in moments of entertainment. I don't want a preacher acting like he knows me or even in attendance. No church music, and especially they better not play Green Green Grass of Home which seems to be a go-to at every damn funeral in my family. Ick. I would like an actor from the local theater to act like a preacher-of-sorts. I would love to have someone do their version of Jim Ignatowski (actor Christopher Lloyd) from the comedy series Taxi. Just a brainfried rambling monologue would be wonderful, but no one other than BHP and our son could know it's a performance. I don't see it really happening, but my funeral would be talked about for YEARS! lol

I don't like the whole funeral thing to tell you the truth. It's expensive and my family would have to put up with extended family who suddenly show up. I think I'd rather my ashes be added to compost and used to grow a tree in a national forest or wherever. Then I can haunt hikers. Maybe even become an Urban Legend. The Bitchy Ghost of the (insert name of forest).

Touché

2022-08-09T17:34:00.002-05:00

Two days ago I opened my email and saw one from a newspaper 2,000 miles from me! I got a bit hot and yelled "Why am I getting this!?" I opened it to unsubscribe, and immediately saw a recipe for Spiced Peach Pie.

My grandma made delicious spiced peaches! She canned them, and the heady taste of cinnamon and clove in a sweet-pickled syrup was pure ambrosia!

Nodding, I said (yes aloud, because I talk to emails too) "Well played newspaper from across the country, well played." and didn't unsubscribe. They won this round. Touché.

Unless that Spiced Peach Pie sucks.

The photo is my own. I bought a case of "canning peaches" prepandemic. They weren't pretty, but they made a great ice cream topper/peach cobbler filling I froze for the then future. I didn't inherit the canning gene, but our small deep freezer is very handy.

Why? Chicken Thigh!

2022-07-25T12:55:00.002-05:00

Speaking of thighs, mine disappeared. No abracadabra needed. Just one day I glanced in the mirror and I noticed I had bird legs! Now, I was one of those people who made swooshing noises if I dared to wear corduroy back when it was in style. Now I'd have no swooshing. If it were in style. But thankfully it's not and don't you DARE say it's acceptable! Because LA-LA-LA I CAN'T HEAR YOU! Just ick.

I've read it's "normal" to lose muscle and fat in your arms and legs as you age. It's also essential to eat, for women, 46 grams of protein a day. The problem is as I've aged I don't want meat, or as much as I did. If I can eat half the portion on my plate I'm doing good, but taking in the size of American portions it's actually pretty close to the needed amount? Maybe? I don't know. I'm new to this at the moment. Remember I've mentioned in the past to NEVER take my advice. Just don't.

Good news is my calves still look pretty good. They're smaller, but still nice enough. I've always liked my calves, so I'm happy about that.

What have I learned?

I'd have to eat THIRTEEN TABLESPOONS of peanut butter to get 45 grams of fat. That's just shy of a cup, or about 24 peanut butter cookies. I'm not going to look up the calories. That would be mean.

(fyi: The picture is some leg quarters BHP smoked. They were delicious!)

There I Am!

2022-07-06T12:59:00.001-05:00

Back in my 30's I decided I wanted to grow my hair out. I had kept short cuts since High School, and thought (I guess) it would be fun, or sexy, or who knows what was rattling around in my head. After several false starts including a disaster trip to a beautician after mine moved to Colorado that could only be fixed by going extremely short, I finally had hair down my back. Which I almost always kept in a messy bun at the nap of my neck.

My son, who was born not quite two weeks before my 41st birthday, had never seen me with short hair. I just didn't think about it. I quit dying it and my natural hair is dark while my skin is fair and they never really matched. The dark hair made me look sick, but life was busy so I just didn't think about it.

Zoom ahead 20+ years. My hair, already beginning to thin really fell out after I got Covid in 2020 before there was a vaccine. My "oh, well" became "OMG! Ick!" Then, after thinking on it and getting a nudge from b/h/p (boyfriend/husband/partner for those out of the loop) I made the appointment and decided on a "Choppy Bob" before even showing up. The beautician, who I loved, assured me it was a great cut for me and helped me remember how to care for a short 'do. I had 11 inches cut off! I plan to donate it, but it's too short for some places. For the time being it's stored safely. I take after my maternal grandmother. She passed at 79 and was still salt and pepper, though more salt than pepper. So at 60 I have very little grey hair on my head. On my head. Do I have grey eyelashes? Yes. Grey pubes? My first grey hair was there. It's like a warped Dorian Gray. Instead of an aging painting in the attic, I'm storing my grey hair mostly in my "basement".

Anyway, I got home feeling pretty good. I even stopped and bought hair color, medium blonde, and used it immediately. That night while getting ready for bed I was washing my face. It was covered in suds, and I looked up in the mirror. With the suds covering all the wrinkles, the face looking back was that young woman I used to be! I gasped and blurted out "There I am!" It was like meeting a dear friend you haven't seen in decades and are shocked yet totally overjoyed. My heart raced and my eyes teared up. I missed her. I wasn't able to repeat that moment, though of course I tried the next night, but to have experienced it that once changed something inside me. I don't know if I can explain it. It flipped a switch I guess? I'm happier knowing "she's" not really gone, because I AM her.

What I learned:

Maybe mirrors aren't my enemy after all.

And maybe I'm ready to love my wrinkled, saggy, flawed self. Sure, it won't be easy, but I'm ready. As long as naps are provided.

Boyfriend/Husband/Partner?

2022-07-03T10:28:00.003-05:00

I've been with the same man for 23 years. We've lived together for 18 of those years and yet to this day I haven't settled on how to address him to others. I've bounced between boyfriend or husband. My state, Missouri, doesn't recognize common law marriages, so kind of as an FU to "The Man" I wouldn't initially use husband. Now, I've read if we were willing to move to a state that recognizes common law and then move back after a set amount of time, our state would have no problem with the term. Weird hu?! That's what happens when you have a state full of red yahoos.

So anyway, lately I've decided partner isn't so bad, so I've add that to my list of descriptions. Somewhere out there is a person who thinks I'm a hussy and have both a husband and a boyfriend and I'm fine with that. I don't mind being spicy in someone stranger's mind.

My boyfriend/husband/partner just calls me his wife. No muss no fuss. I think too much on things I guess, but that's just who I am.

I'll have to skip the "what have I learned" part. I'm even more confused today than I was 23 years ago.

Drawing A Line

2022-06-30T09:55:00.003-05:00

Consider this is an imaginary line I'm drawing in imaginary sand.

I turned 60 this year, but since I missed the majority of being in my 50's in this blog I'm going to make a list of the highlights and lowlights and use my imperfect memory as well as my imperfect "wisdom" to go over things from the magical place called hindsight.

I'll also complain, of course. Today is a perfect day to complain about! I mean I woke up refreshed and feeling good. I was even chuckling about a weird dream I can't remember now. THEN I HAD TO LEAVE THE HOUSE! Ugh! Traffic was twice as bad as usual, and when I got back home from picking my partner and our son up from their 3rd shift jobs as well as going to the grocery store there was nothing to eat for breakfast. I settled on a bowl of frosted cornflakes and that's when I realized some JERK had ate all four perfectly ripe bananas I had bought yesterday! In one day! Granted that jerk was me (they were SO GOOD!) but still I'm going to complain because I can. Seriously those bananas were the most perfectly sweet brown freckled bananas I've had in a long time. I mean, I didn't eat them in one sitting. I had two for breakfast with a cold glass of buttermilk (it's something I learned from my mom. A sweet/sour combo that's a comfort food for me.) Then I didn't eat the other two until 8pm. If I didn't have to leave the house I'd go buy another bunch. Though banana pudding sounds pretty darn good... I'll think on it.

So that's my day and it's only 9:45am

What did I learn?

I guess that I missed blogging. Even this short entry makes me feel pretty darn good.

Tah-tah for now.

Hello Stranger!

2021-08-02T23:48:00.002-05:00

Yes, I'm a bad girl for not posting in *looks at watch* seven years and four months. Sorry. Really I am! I truly enjoy writing, it's just Life is a bag of something. Trash? Rocks? Just crap moments interspersed with laughter and naps.

I quit writing because my laptop quit working. I think. It might have been the house fire though. That was months of "crap moments", but I think I'll save that for a post all by itself.

I did reread many of my posts and I thought: "Hey! I'm pretty good! That was so funny OMG woman!! YOUR?! IT'S YOU'RE! How do I edit that embarrassment out of existence!? SITE?! NOOOO! SIGHT! SIGHT! what is wrong with you!"

So, anyway, it's bedtime now. I promise to try and catch you up later.

What have I learned?

I've learned a lot in seven years! I hope? Well, one thing is Burger King's new ChickKing sandwich is okay. Popeyes is better IMO, though homemade beats them all even if my sous chef (our Pointer mix, Emrys) gets sprinkled with flour while waiting for the inevitable dropped chunks of whatever.

Good night folks.

Changing Tides

2014-04-09T13:28:00.001-05:00

I took this picture at Pomme de Terre lake near Elkton, Missouri. It's a little public beach at the end of a dirt road I love to visit.

The first few years of being officially an "old lady", and not a 'this is my old lady' lady as some men say, was full of a lot of despondency. There was a lot of eating what I shouldn't, and not taking care of myself because I was blue. How could I even wash my face if I didn't want to look at my reflection? My answer was I didn't! Yes, I washed it when I was taking a shower, but I just quit using face cleaners and my once much loved Buf-Puf. I was lucky I still used deodorant! (Actually everyone around me was lucky on that one!) I didn't shave my legs as much as I should have either. I was a mess!

Sure, I was getting by. I could get out of bed every day. I could dress myself and take my son to school and his dad to work as needed. I could feed my family mostly “normal” meals, and I could even joke about being old. The problem was something was off. It’s hard to explain because I didn’t know there was something…not right…in the old noggin, or maybe it was the heart? I guess you could say I was on “autopilot”. Things got done, but it was only at the most basic level. I did only enough to get by and keep my family from mutiny.

About a month ago I took a selfie of myself for something I was writing. For the umpteenth time I whined to myself because my eyebrows had faded to the point that they were almost nonexistent. This had been bothering me for a few years, and I hated the way it looked! This time, though, I had an amazing idea that had NEVER occurred to me before! I could dye them darker! Yes, this was not a new advanced idea in beauty. Others have dyed their eyebrows for decades, yet it had never occurred to me that I could too! I dye my hair, yet this was a moment when I should have heard trumpets play!

I did dye them and the change in how I felt was amazing! But more important, the eyebrows lead to buying a Buf-Puf and facial cleanser. Then the Buf-Puf led to cutting my intake of diet soft drinks and replacing it with water with a slice of lemon, and that steered me to wanting to eat less junk! This all happened within a months’ time, so the results aren’t noticeable on the outside just yet, but my heart and soul feel free and light as a bird!

Now I feel like I walked out from behind a dark veil to discover unfiltered sunshine for the first time in I honestly don’t know how long. My heart has grown because it’s full of happiness again, and I have rediscovered myself.

Hey! You out there! Yes, you, the one reading this. Don't give up! We will get through this together! It DOES get better!

Journey of Self Discovery

2013-10-30T11:42:00.000-05:00

I was struck by a desire to write a new post for this blog. Maybe "need" would be a better word. I quit writing here to devote my time to a site that actually makes me money, but this was my first blog, and it’s the one I will never abandon. It means everything to me because it gave me purpose when I needed it most!

I also can’t abandon the ones who come here to find a way through their own

excursion at turning 50. Do I have all the answers? No. But I do have experience at this whole ‘getting passed this landmark Birthday’.

If you sailed right past the big five-oh with barely a blink of the eye, go read someone else. But before you leave I want to ask you to make me a promise. If you have a friend who ISN’T able to enter their 50’s with rainbows coming out their butt, don’t poo-poo their pain. Don’t brush their tears off your shoulder when they come to you for help. This also goes out to the ones who are older and younger than 50. BE A FRIEND! At the very least keep your mouth shut and just give them a hug! Is that too much to ask?

Now that the happy people have moved on to read something else, we can get down to business. I will admit some that you will read in my blog is just my babbling about this and that, but it does all boil down to a few things I discovered and want to pass on to you:

Cry if you need to. You have entered a sad moment. You need to mourn your lost youth. Trust me, it helps to get all that pain out. So cry, throw a tantrum, just whatever you need to do to get it out. Holding it in can cause illness, and that’s the last thing we need! If it embarrasses you, find somewhere private, or go to a gym and punch one of those bags boxers use. Better yet get in the ring and take a few punches at an actual person! They’re paid to get punched! Yea! I wish I had done that! I really wanted to punch someone when I turned 50. Wish I had thought of that then!
Comfort yourself. It doesn’t even need to be food, though that’s what I chose for the first week. Get a manicure or pedicure, get your hair cut, or buy yourself a pretty scarf. Treat yourself to anything that makes you feel happy or at least better.
I have become more vocal. I don’t have time for games. If something bothers me I say it bothers me. My boyfriend and son aren’t always happy with this, but I refuse to bottle it in and hurt my mind and body anymore! You don’t have to be mean about it, but you can’t believe how the weight on my shoulders has lessened! This one is also for your health and well being.
Find something that brings you joy. For me it’s writing. It’s my bliss. Maybe I’ll never win national awards, but it soothes my soul and gives my brain a workout. So, discover your love! There’s no rush to find your bliss. You might even try different things before you find ‘It’. Once you do, though, be prepared that some people won’t ‘get it’. Brace yourself against those who will try to dissuade you. I know my boyfriend doesn’t get it. He can’t understand that I HAVE to write every single day! If I can’t write at least a little I feel jumpy the whole day and am out-of-sorts, which is why it takes an emergency to keep me from my keyboard.

I guess that’s it for now. I wish you a wonderful journey of self discovery!

Gray Hairs and All

2013-08-02T10:11:00.002-05:00

I once saw a coworker in the bathroom cussing at her reflection. She had black hair and she had a black marker in her hand. She was separating a strand or strands of gray hair, pulling it above her head and using the marker to color it black. I remember standing afraid to move as this usually happy woman cussed at her reflection. She turned to me with a look of frustration on her face and said: "The hair color won't stay in! I'm going to see if this marker will hide these monsters!" (she didn't really say 'monsters') I don't know if it worked long term, but I feel her frustration!

Gray hair is something we all have to deal with. When you hit your 50's it seems to appear in more numbers every time you look in the mirror. I color my hair, but it doesn't help for long because those dang gray hairs throw the color off a few weeks after the application. I have to say I'm lucky that I wasn't one of the people who went prematurely gray. I had a friend that started going white at 30, and it was that "Skunk Stripe" right down the middle. I didn't notice my first gray hair until my mid 30's and they started appearing in a place only my doctor and I could see. Later, I noticed a white eyelash! No grey on the head, but a big fat eyelash! It was followed by friends, and now you can barely see what was once naturally long pretty lashes and have become almost invisible. I did finally start seeing pop ups on the head, mostly at the temples and "sideburns". And my grays have a need to be noticed so they curl up tight and stick out away from the head like they are waving at every passersby. It makes me look like a crazy lady who never brushes her hair as they won't obey any hair care product I've tried.

While I do color my hair now I will quit someday. There is a time you need to let the hair win the fight and let it shine. My maternal grandmother never colored her hair, but her naturally black hair produced the pretty white hair instead of the yellow-gray some are unlucky to have. I don't know the age, but when you start resembling a clown it's time to quit coloring and applying your own make-up. I hope my friends will let me know when that is. It is my friend's job to tell me when I have something in my teeth, toilet paper stuck on my shoe, or my dress tucked into my pantyhose. THAT is a true friend! I want mine to put their arm around me and say, 'Honey, it's time to quit.' I promise to return the favor.

And it's not just hair! I had these big beautiful eyes that I got compliments on when I was younger, but now the brow skin is slowly melting down trying to hide them. I also had pouty lips that I guess developed a leak since the pout is gone and all that is left are thin lips framed with small fine wrinkles. I'll say right here I am not against plastic surgery. I can't afford it today, but if I had a lot of extra money just laying around I would be at the plastic surgeon's office yesterday. But if I do get the chance someday I don't want those fake high cheekbones I've seen on some older women. They just don't look real. What I would do is have my brow skin pulled back up to show-off my eyes again and get some fat sucked out of my waddle and pulled tight. And my jowls removed since I'm there but that's all. Maybe a little plump in my lips to hide the tiny wrinkles (since they have my fat sitting in a jar right there). And maybe my boobs lifted off my belly. And a tummy suck and tuck. Hair removal would be a good idea. But no more! No cheekbones!

I'll tell you, though, that sometimes when I look into the mirror I can still see that the young me is still there looking back. It's not every time, but when it does I can smile at my reflection and see beauty reflect back. But I know it's there every time! I know my reflection hasn't changed. My attitude towards that reflection has! I'm working at it, I hope someday I'll see beauty every time.

It's what I want to learn:

Acceptance.

Dreams

2013-07-22T07:54:00.001-05:00

I had a dream the other night. I was sitting in the back of a car in the middle between my boyfriend and my college sweetheart. There was no jealousy or discomfort at the arrangement. Everyone was getting along just fine as we went down the road to I don't know where. The car was driven by one of my female cousins with her husband in the front passenger seat. I am not in daily or even yearly contact with her, though I did recently visit her mother, my Aunt, to say hello.

I wondered what the dream was telling me. I used to keep a dream journal years ago, but have since misplaced it as well as the interpretation book. I do believe there is no one book that covers dream interpretation for everyone. Like if a person dreams of an apple: To a minister or someone who is very religious, it would probably stand for temptation, while a person who owns an orchard would see the apple as money. I did have a book I bought on dream interpretation, but I went through it and any meaning that didn't fit me was covered in white-out and my own idea of what I felt it meant was put in it's place. By doing this ahead of time I was giving my mind the codes to follow in talking to me in my dreams. It was a long process, but at the time worth it.

I had been mulling over the dream for several days, and last night as I was drifting off to sleep the meaning popped in my head:

The car represents the physical world and body, which is 'driven' by my DNA (I.E. my cousin driving the car). That comes from the fact that I have been studying my DNA results pretty much on a daily basis. This says we aren't 'in control' (driving) what happens to our bodies.We can't 'decide' not to be 50.
Sitting between my past and present boyfriends was me: Past me was young, carefree and only had to worry about passing tests and what bar or party to go to Friday and Saturday nights. (She was also a size six!) Present me is coming to terms with being in my 50's with a child and a committed relationship in tow. She has to deal with bills, what to fix for dinner almost EVERY SINGLE NIGHT (hate that), dishes (hate that too), or basically the daily life of an average, definitely not rich or even close to it 21st century woman.
The fact that these two sides were getting along just fine and I was okay with being the middle of a big-boy sandwich tells me I'm FINALLY coming to terms with the "Big 5-0"!

And THAT is very good news!

What did I learn:

Maybe being in my 50's is okay! At least today.

Pets

2013-07-15T11:43:00.001-05:00

Bear 2012

While I was locked out of my blog last fall my son's dog, Bear, died. He was 15 years old and had lost his hearing and site and was starting to have trouble getting to his feet. Being an outside dog (he'd cry if we brought him in) meant I had to go out if he barked and also on a set schedule to lead him to his water, make sure he ate something, and give him love so he would know he wasn't alone. He was a sweet dog who loved children, which is why Damien said he was his dog when he was just a toddler. (he was his dad's dog before) I think Damien was from Jersey in a past life, because he called him 'Bee-ah' back then.

It was a sad time, but I told him when he was ready we could find him a puppy. Time for children is different than for adults. Whenever I lost a pet I had to mourn for at least 6 months before I would even consider a new 'family member'. So, within a month we were into the hunt. I didn't want a pure breed. I wanted a pup who truly needed a home. Finally we found a listing on Craig's list. Someone had dumped a pregnant dog in the country about an hour away in Crane, Missouri and they had five pups needing homes. They said the mom looked like a basset-beagle mix and the dad was unknown. Done.

I had a beagle mix when I was Damien's age and she, Ginger, was the most awesome dog in the world to me. She would let me dress her in my clothes and walk her around the block. She was protective of us children, and slept beside my bed so I could hang my right arm off the bed and touch her when I was drifting off to sleep.

Comet

We drove down and he picked a little boy and soon named him Comet. While Bear was a calm laid-back dog, Comet is a burst of pure energy. He had ringworms when we got him and was covered in fleas and ticks, so to the vet we went for first shots, and worm medicine. The vet recommended jock itch cream for a topical for the ringworms.The vet took one look at him that first time he was at her office and said "His dad is defiantly Jack Russell." Then she laughed and said, "Jack Russell, Beagle and Bassett? You have some interesting times ahead!" and laughed again. Boy! She hit that on the head!

Later it was neutering and more shots. A few months later it was back to the vet for a skin yeast infection, and yet again for the yeast infection. Now, I bet you think I thought we had gotten a 'lemon'. But that little monster fits our family like a glove! We finally figured out he's allergic to dairy, and I was giving him the pills for his itching and yeast infection wrapped in cheese!! So finally no more rash!

Shady and Comet enjoying the snow

My dog Shady hated him for about 24 hours. He had been raised in a home full of senior citizen dogs, so it didn't take long for him to discover this little newbie wanted to play! From then on they were best buds. Running and tumbling inside and out. On the floor and on the bed (usually at bedtime). As a matter of fact Shady lost 5 pounds! He went from 52 lbs. to 47 lbs.. They even sleep side-by-side.

Comet has two speeds: Full-out and stop or sleep. No in between yet. Maybe when he's older, but what I've read about Jack Russell's... He has the Beagle 'Bay' when he sees a rabbit or squirrel. His nose is down on the ground as soon as he goes outside. Once I heard him really making a commotion. I went out and he had is head in the bushes. And then he'd jump back and bay. When I looked I found a snakeskin. About a four and a half to five foot snakeskin! I hope it's the blacksnake we saw once and not a new visitor!

But in the end I have to say he is loved by everyone in this house. Especially Shady.

What I already knew:

Spay and neuter people! And NEVER dump a dog or cat to fend for it's self or think someone will take it in. Comet's mom was very lucky! There are people who will shoot a stray. Just. Plain. Stupid.

P.S.

I Just read the above "Spay and neuter people!" I guess it should have been: "Spay and neuter, people" or "Spay and neuter your pets, people!" But sometimes I think, with some people, it should really be a call to "Spay and neuter people"!