An Empirical Study of Lightpole Lubricant in Philadelphia

Mon, 30 Jan 2023 00:39:58 +0000

SAN FRANCISCO -- With Brock Purdy shattering his elbow into a million pieces just before the Superbowl, it looks like the Eagles are going to the Superbowl this year. In the seminal article of 2023, we sit down with a Philadelphia city municipal worker who is in charge of greasing up those poles for a serious chat on the materials they've experimented with.

Welcome to the 5thQuarterSports pre-Superbowl interview, thanks for participating.

Yeah, thanks for having me.

So it must have been a busy Friday evening, right?

Don't even get me started, man. There are over 23,000 lightposts in the city. Did you know that? It costs millions of dollars to make this city safe during any sporting event. It's insane.

Sounds like a large effort. Do you grease the horses, too?

Don't even fucking talk to me about the horses.

...

Can I swear in this interview?

Ok, so moving on, what materials have been tested? What are the absolute worst?

Alright, straight to business. I've been greasing up poles since 2009, and let me tell you I was scraping brain off the concrete before then from 1993. It was gnarly in the early years before this was a science. We've gone through SO many iterations.

Sets start at that 2009 year. What did you first try out

Right, so that was the Naive Year, as I called it. We started out small, we tried literal KY Jelly at first. Big mistake. It gets wicked cold during the winter here, so when the first round of Eagles fans started to slide down it activated the jelly. Unfortunately this really warmed their hands up. That turned out to be the WORST year on record, it really encouraged many people to give it a try. It was awful, we lost many elderly folks who just couldn't afford gloves that winter. On top of that, it was outrageously expensive.

...is this forreal?

Yeah. It really is. We thought we learned our lesson for the next year.

Did you?

We did NOT. That year we decided to set the city up into two parts, one half with peanut butter and one half with motor oil. Two huge mistakes. The peanut butter half of the city was very quickly consumed by the local homeless for the first 8 feet, I guess they stood on each other's shoulders or something? Hard to say, but the number of deaths before the celebrations topped the celebration deaths just from unknown peanut allergies alone.

The motor oil had a similar problem. We made the crucial mistake of using new oil and not used oil. Folks who lived near the poles just used an ice scraper and filled their leaky ass winter cars. Insanity, we really were clueless in those early years.

I have a hard time believing any of this.

Let me tell you, this is no joking matter. We've lost over 600 lives to the poles.

Okay. Right. I am getting dizzy. What were the best solutions so far?

WELL we really nailed it last year. We split the city into 8 divisions for a double-blind test. The most successful of that run was using Vasaline. That was GREAT, it stuck to the poles all night and didn't slide off. It preventing gripping while moisturizing. It actually ended up healing people.

The runner up was, oddly enough, was just coving them with water. Those froze over night, but made the poles extremely dangerous. Kids kept licking each other to lick them. People reached terminal velocity if they slipped near the top. Not good.

Well, I thin that wraps things up. Thank you for your time.

No, thank you.

Newly Formed National Powerwalking League Announces Partnership with DraftKings

Tue, 29 Mar 2022 15:02:47 +0000

Boca Raton, FL - Last week, a new competitive sport was born when a fledgling sports organization announced their competition calendar for 2023. This week, the National Powerwalking League is showing its already aged muscle with a multimillion dollar sponsorship deal with sports gambling giant DraftKings.
The National Powerwalking League was born out of the desire to give America’s agony aunts an excuse to daydrink and gossip about people outside their immediate family tree. While established sports like football and baseball have long tailored their events to family-friendly binge drinking by dads trying to relive their college days, the National Powerwalking League is dedicated to an activity just for the grandmothers, aunts, and mothers who are tired of being on the sidelines. NPL President Dottie Greenberg explained:
“With the new NIL [name, image, and likeness] rules, we forgotten matriarchs are ready for a piece of the damn pie. You Generation Zebra whippersnappers think you invented athleisure? I’ve been wearing the same damn spandex unitard since 1983. You never call, you never visit, so damnit, we’re powerwalking onto your television screens.”
5thQ sources tell us that Disney-owned ESPN and NBC’s Peacock are engaged in a tense bidding war for streaming rights that could go as high as $850 million dollars for the 2023 season. Teams located in Boca Raton, FL; Jacksonville, FL; Sarasota, FL; Naples, FL; Ashville, NC; Portland, ME; Phoenix, AZ; and Greenville, SC will compete in 10 events starting in October next year. Squads of 5 aunties will race around the block in the finest retirement communities this nation has to offer. Winners will be determined by pace and number of complaints registered per block. 
DraftKings will reportedly pay the NPL $500 million dollars for exclusive betting rights in an effort to expand their reach among the most avid gamblers. 
“The moment the NPL was announced, we knew we had to monetize….I mean support, this incredible new sport,” said DraftKing spokesperson Kyle DeBois. “You know who America’s real gamblers are? The old ladies chainsmoking at slot machines at 2 pm on a Tuesday. They’re the backbone of casinos, and now, the hottest thing in online sports betting.”
Is this the future of American sports betting? Maybe if you called your mother more, you’d know. 

Lockout Update: Keys to the Office of the Commisionewr Lost, Locksmith Called

Tue, 22 Feb 2022 00:37:11 +0000

SAN FRANCISCO -- 5thQuarterSports has been diligently following the MLB Lockout with ground breaking, and cutting coverage</a>, and we will continue to provide just that. We've received an update from our sources that the mission to find the keys to the Office of the Commissioner have been abandoned. After weeks of searching back pockets, other coats, and between couch cushions hope nearly seems lost.
Without intensive Spring Training this season, the rest of the season looks murky indeed. Rusty pitchers will forget to hide their pine-tar in the bills of their hats, and just bring the tub straight to the mound. Our sources share one upside to this issue: the western teams are pretty happy to not go to Arizona to participate in the Cactus League. I think we call all sympathize with them.
All of this being said, there is still one backup plan to consider. The Club owners have gathered together, thought long and hard, and have come up with one effective Plan B. They are floating around the idea of calling a locksmith to unlock the office. The 5thQuarterSports analysts are skeptical of this move, and doubt it's effectiveness. However, we're not team owners. They probably know best.

The Superbowl Is For Keeps This Year: Losing Team To Be Sacrificed To Huitzilopochtli

Sun, 13 Feb 2022 18:30:54 +0000

LOS ANGELES -- Its that time of year again: beers, brats, and BBQ. Friends and family come over, thousands of calories consumed. Stabbing rates rise significantly. That's right, it is Superbowl weekend. This year the Rams and the Bengals are competing for the Lombardi trophy. However, this year there is a twist. While the winners take home rings, a trophy, and glory; the losers will not leave at all.
Society has collectively agreed the last few years have been the roughest in memory. We've tried many things: praying to monotheistic deities, wearing masks, and staying indoors. Our leaders joined hands in Bohemian Grove to come up with a plan to make 2022 more bearable for all. Chanting over the flames of Molach the Owl God came the answer. We've been missing it all along. What we need is a human sacrifice to the Mesoamerican Gods of old!
That leads us to the Superbowl. To appease the Gods, one thing must be done. The losing team must be sacrificed on the field, broadcast live for the world to see. This is the literal last move we have to make sure 2022 is a good year. The 5thQuarterSports staff has arranged a burnt offering of our own this year to contribute, but that is only because I left the ribs on the grill too long. Here's hoping the sacrifice works, and crypto rises from the ashes.

BREAKING: Ben Simmons to Join /r/antiwork Moderation Staff

Tue, 08 Feb 2022 16:49:55 +0000

SAN FRANCISCO -- America is fed up with work. They're sick and tired of being sick and tired, over having to spend any savings they have on a hospital visit only to learn that being 'sick and tierd' is not a diagnosable symptom outside of Lyme Disease or COPD. Ticks aren't even native to my area, Goddammit. How could I get Lyme Disease. But I digress. Americans are flocking to communities that are attempting to change working conditions to better suite the workers, with reasonable hours and better benefits. Reddit users have been driven to the /r/antiwork</a> and /r/workreform</a> subreddits for many months. The flock of the /r/antiwork church have been inspired by moderator Doreen Ford's widely lauded and revolutionary interview with Fox New's Jesse Watter's</a>. The brave woman entered the Fox News battle ground, dodged all possible verbal traps laid by the skillful anchor, and came out ahead. So much so that she has inspired 76ers player Ben Simmons.
Simmons is breaking new ground in this work reform movement. His moral stance on not working transcends that which has been seen before. Doreen might have been walking dogs for ~20 hours a week, but Ben has her beat. He is anti-work to the point of losing over 19 million dollars</a> through fines from the NBA for sitting games out. He is a true beacon in this anti-work movement. Some claim that he is not mentally ready to play in games. Some claim that he does not like his teammates on the 76ers. We at 5thQuarterSports have sources close to Simmons reporting that he is pushing the antiwork movement to places it never dreamed of going.
To enter the moderator staff of /r/antiwork, one must pass the gauntlet. One must battle a dragon. One must interview with Jesse Watters. That's right: Simmons is slated for an interview to evangelize the anti-work / work reform movement in early march. Given how Doreen slapped Watters down the court and back, we have extreme faith in Simmons for this interview. This will be a pay-per-view event, with Bruce Buffer (this "journalist's" least favorite of the Buffer brothers) announcing.

BREAKING: Washington Redskins to change name to Washington January 6ers.

Wed, 02 Feb 2022 22:05:53 +0000

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The Washington Football Team has been knocking their helmets together for quite sometime, trying to come up with a less offensive team name. They've toyed with many:

The Commanders. Sadly, Gen Z is too ACAB, so this doesn't make any sense.</li>
The Natives. Even more sad, their market research showed this was too 'PC' for their existing fanbase.</li>
The Insurrectionists. This one proved much too hard for the average football fan to spell.</li> </ul>
And this leads us to the current name. It has many pros:

It looks like very shallow punishment is given to those who participated in the January 6th 'riots'. Compare this to the treatment of Native Americans for the last 300 years, and it shows what society truly values.</li>
It has a nice ring, is easy to spell.</li>
This has a broad appeal across America, whether from alt-right proud boys to basement dwelling Q-Anon believers.</li> </ul>
5thQuarterSports fully believes that teams have names that are not offensive, and reflect moral values. We applaud the Washington Football Team from shifting from an out-dated, offensive name to a one that embraces modernity.

Bill Belichick, Ex-Lacrosse Player, Creates 3D Chess Over Text Messages

Tue, 01 Feb 2022 22:48:09 +0000

SAN FRANCISCO -- We've all done it: pretend 'accidental' text messages.
We have the first level of 'accidental' text messages: reaching out to a love interest of the past.
"Can I get the car keys?" - Me to a cute girl I haven't talked to in three years
"Haha, what?" - Her replying.
"Oooh no, that was totally meant for my roommate LOL. Anyways, hows it going?"
This, this is level of text messaging is somewhere between checkers and regular chess. More on the checkers side of things.
The next step up is 'accidentally' sending a naked picture to your friend's group chat and saying 'Whoops', then following it up with a meme.
Above that is texting your Door Dash driver to pickup some beer on the way back from getting McDonald's. While bold, it occasionally works out.
And finally, we've reach Belichick levels of texting. Confusing the names of two people to initiate the downfall of a previous employer when they refused to promote you. That's a pro move, unmatched. The 5thQuarterSports staff has taken note, and will learn from the eternal sensei.

Official 5th Quarter Sports 2022 MLB Hall of Fame Ballot

Mon, 24 Jan 2022 22:04:50 +0000

Similar to last year, the other Hall of Fame voters are absolutely pathetic. Let some people (like us) get some votes. How about a fan vote? Fix this Rob Manfred. One year later and still nobody at 5th Quarter Sports has a vote (cough horseshit cough). 
Last year, 5thQuarterSports only endorsed players who ALLEGEDLY used steroids. This year we decided to take a #wholesome approach and voted for those individuals we want to see in the Hall. The Hall of Fame, not the Hall of Very Good @Lincecum/Papelbon/Fielder. Sosa isn’t even in the Hall of Very Good. He is in the Hall of Cheating Son of a Bitch. Put the bois in Cooperstown!

Golden One Center to Sell Ball Gags and Leather Masks, Kings Fans Are Submissive Masochists

Mon, 24 Jan 2022 17:16:33 +0000

SACRAMENTO, CA -- The 5thQuarterSports staff is extremely proud of the Golden One Center for embracing kink culture. A recent survey done by the Kings themselves has turned up some interesting results. Well over 65% of the fan-base are submissive masochists, and proud. They embrace their lot in life, and are fully willing to accept their lifestyle. The Arena is right there with them.
New booths are to open, mainly near the Sierra Nevada beer garden on the third floor mezzanine. Some of the booths include: Leather Daddy - a fetish shop specializing in bondage gear, Pretty In Pink -- a men's panty store, and 'Mhmm I Can't Hear You' -- a ball-gag enthusiast shop.
This is a giant leap for our society's acceptance and normalization of the BDSM community. We applaud the strength and courage of Sacramento Kings fans everywhere. They're steadfast, true, and know what they like even though it may cause a bit of pain.
The Kings are 18 and 30 this season.

BREAKING: Owner of Sixers Offer God Trade, Ben Simmons For Pass To Heaven. Critics Call It One Sided.

Wed, 19 Jan 2022 23:12:20 +0000

NEW YORK -- Trade rumors have been swirling for quite some time around Ben Simmons, with multiple teams competing for offers. Simmons has yet to play a game this season after he requested a trade to a different team. The Sixers, God bless 'em, have been scrambling to come up with a deal the benefits only them.
The Kings have come forward with a Haliburton, Hield, and Barnes trade, but the Sixers are not having it.
"It does not benefit us enough," Head Coach claims.
The Sixers have offered the Warriors an equally one-sided trace, attempting to secure Draymond Green and Andrew Wiggings, with some calling them "delusional".
But the final trade offer that is being pursued is the most insane of them all. They're petitioning God himself for a trade. It is as one-sided as they come, in exchange for Simmons they're requesting a free pass to heaven. Some have accused them of buying old-time indulgences, others have said that Simmons would really round out God's team.
The bias-less 5thQuarterSports staff things the Sixers should just give Simmons to the Kings for free.

5thQuarterSports Formally Endorces Dougie McCormick for a Kings 10 Day Contract After Recent COVID-19 Outbreak.

Mon, 17 Jan 2022 00:14:07 +0000

SACRAMENTO, CA -- The Sacramento Kings appear to be in a bit of a bind. It seems that COVID-19 is making it's rounds through the players and staff, mostly recently announced was Tyrese Haliburton</a>, and potentially Marvin Bagley III. It would appear that we could be entering grim times for the team. However, rough waters makes the cream raise from the milk. A clutch internal prospect has risen internally and reached the ears of Monte McNair and may be under consideration for a 10 day contract, given the recent bout of illness. That prospect is the legendary Dougie McCormick, the Equipment Manager for the Sacramento Kings.
Some may have scoffed at the SNL skip suggesting that Dougie had asthma attacks on the court</a>. However, the analysts at 5thQuarterSports would like to remind the readers that everyone has potential. NBA teams are bring in 45+ year old players to fill their rosters. Furthermore, McCormick even has a slew of numbers picked out and put them up in a Twitter poll</a>. The number 69 could be playing for 10 days.
It is your time to shine, Dougie. Everyone is rooting for you.

Breaking: MLB Owners Still Can't Find Keys To The Commissioner's Office, Lockout To Continue

Sun, 16 Jan 2022 23:34:01 +0000

SAN FRANCSICO -- I walked by Oracle Park this afternoon, on what I expected to be a bustling weekend. Around this time the stadium would be prepping for Spring Training. To my surprise, the stadium lay dormant and hardly a soul was in sight. I waived down a meandering security guard and asked him what was up, why was I walking by a ghost town. He looked at me as if I was kicked in the head by a horse as a child, a look I've received my whole life. The portly fellow draped his arm over my shoulders and told me a tale.
"The MLB owners have searched high and low for the key to the commissioner's office, and they are completely unable to find it." He said to me, "They've checked their spare pant pockets, rifled through their coats, tried every key on their keychain including the ones which open something unknown. It has been 45 long days, and they are running out of time to find them. Folks are starting to get worried."
"Is this a metaphor or something?" I responded.
"No son, this is real life. But to tell you the truth, I bought this security jacket at Goodwill. I use it to get into venues and events for free. I don't actually work here."
Regardless of the authenticity of our sources, this is what we choose to report on.
The lockout is reaching epic proportions, and we're worried it will start eating into the regular season games. However, there is still one hope for us here in San Francisco. We might be able to snag some sweet lawn seats at this season's Sacramento River Cat's games. Dinger Dogs, here we come.

REPORT: Kings to waive entire roster moving to 10 day contracts, includes coaches.

Mon, 10 Jan 2022 01:43:23 +0000

SACRAMENTO, CA -- Some call this play by the Sacramento Kings as proto-typical. The 5thQuarterSports staff calls it ingenious. The King's owner Vivek Ranadivé has announced a stunning new direction for the team. Inspired by Isaiah Thomas' 10 day contract with the Mavs to fill their roster, the Kings will now adopt this as a regular policy as a long term player aquisiiton.
This comes at an interesting time in the Kings' coaching history. One could say they have churned through coaching staff like a strong, sturdy Amish woman through cream and children. This isn't good news for Alvin Gentry</a>, who just joined the team as head coach in 2021. Preceding him was Luke Walton</a>, who was coach for just a single year. The Kings ownership may have recognized a pattern here. Year long contracts allow for too much adjustment and familiarity. Too much long term planning, and results must be immediate. They need to bring these tenures way down. Why spend tens of millions of dollars on coaches who they fire, when they can spend hundreds of millions? Our staff thinks this is an ingenious play. It will keep the team's strategy as fresh as newly cut grass.
This will also have a large impact on the players. Even this week there are rumors that De'Aaron Fox</a> is up for a trade, who has been on the team since 2017, as well as Tyrese Haliburton, who has been on the team since 2021. The similar pattern exists here: these players have been on the team for longer than a few years! Player longevity needs to drop, and fast.
Will other teams follow this for-hire model for building their rosters? We sure hope so.

Report: You can take the man out of Butte County, but you can't take the Butte County out of the man.

Sat, 08 Jan 2022 00:39:58 +0000

SAN FRANCISCO -- It takes strong moral fiber to boycott your job. Some famous examples come to mind, French Coal Miners</a> in the 1800s, the great Teachers of Ontario</a> striking in 1997, and recently the Kellogg's Factory</a> strike of 2021. Now, joining their ranks, is the great Aaron Rogers. He is STANDING UP for what he believes in. He is striking on his job, and choosing not to play in the Superbowl</a> if the Packers make it, unless his demands are met.
His demands are simple:

Legalize baptizing children in Bud Light.</li>
Allow the wispy, plastic smoke of methamphetamine to be legal within 25 feet of schools.</li>
Non-mandatory vaccinations in this free nation.</li>
The full recognition and succession of the great State of Jefferson.</li> </ol>
His demands are common amongst the denizens of the 'dirty 530' area code. They're good, common folk with strong demands. Keep fighting the good fight, our neighbors to the north. Keep growing them almonds, supplying water to the Hollywood elitists, and breeding strong Quarterbacks.

Report: Antonio Brown Was Too Warm on Field

Fri, 07 Jan 2022 02:53:18 +0000

SAN FRANCISCO -- There have been many theories swirling around about Antonio Brown's recent 'outburst' on field. There have</a> been numerous</a> reports around this event. I assume this is because there is nothing else plaguing the whole Earth at this time. Reports of being forced to play with an injury, reports of quitting the team, and reports of a classic case of CTE have been flying left and right by many major publications, sports related and otherwise. However, 5thQuarterSport's diligent on-the-field reporters have stumbled onto the truth.
Antonio Brown was too hot. He was warm. Got a case of brain fever, and the fella had to take his shirt off. Case closed. Why is every talking about an overheated man with such zealousness, bitterness, and rage? Many have called for him to be pulled from the Bucs. Many have called for public apologies. I say: you must apologize, world. When the bastards of society speak out at once, the angels of the world - such as Antino Brown - must respond with love kindness and compassion. For those who call for vile acts against him know not what they say. The man was toasty, and the many gargoyles spitting fire at him are doing nothing to cool him off.
For shame to all the negative voices. Many are acting as if they themselves haven't ripped off their shirts in a fit of increased body temperature during their lunch rush at a local Cold Stone Creamery, storming off mid-shift, refusing to participate in yet another literal song and dance. Look yourself in the mirror, cretins. Man was hot, and you are not.

Metta Sandiford-Artest, Formerly Known As Metta World Peace, Formerly Known as Ron Artest, Sues Facebook Over Name Change and Stolen Valor

Thu, 28 Oct 2021 20:01:27 +0000

SAN FRANCISCO -- The media firestorm is calling this the Malice at Menlo Park. In the wake of mass shootings, white supremacy, internal company conflicts, harmful algorithms, human trafficking, war crimes, advertising, human-lizard hybridism, and generally bad PR; Facebook has decided to make a pivot in hopes that we all forget the nastiness currently associated with them. However, they've made a crucial misstep this time around: they're looking at 'Meta' as the new name for their company and product.
The Zuck has directly ripped off Metta Sandiford-Artest's brand, legacy, and namesake for their grand rebranding. So now, the one true Metta/Meta needs to be determined. Sandiford-Artest has issued a lawsuit against Facebook/Meta, and according to the 5thQuarterSport's personal lawyer and long time contributor, @Drewskidew</a> he has a ROCK solid case against them. Except for one curious clause embedded deep with the legal paperwork.
Sandiford has challenged the Zuck in mortal combat on who gets to keep this iconic name. A three-on-three no-rules half-court game of basketball. There are several loose stipulations in this proposal. The arena is of Zuck's choosing. Each player gets to choose one person on the other's team. There are no flagrant fouls. A player cannot granny shot (a devastating blow for the Zuck).
5thQuarterSports will keep our avid readership up-to-date with more details as this case of the century unfolds. All we can predict now is: this does not look good for Facebook/Meta, or for The Zuck himself.

Enes Kanter's Social Credit Drops to 0 in China

Thu, 28 Oct 2021 19:28:33 +0000

SAN FRANCISCO -- This week Enes Kanter made a move that is controversial in the NBA recently: having a backbone. He was able to flex his spine in a very unusual way, through his feet. Rocking kicks that portray the famous Tank Man photograph with the tanks stylized as Winnie The Pooh, Enes stunned the world. This image is of course in reference to China's current president, who looks uncannily like a honey hungry cartoon bear. We here at 5thQuarterSports applaud his bravery.
We reached out to LeBron James, but he was busy crying in the showers over his Alibaba stocks volatility due to Xi Jingping's tech crackdown.
What are the consequences of this off-court play? Recently social credit has been playing an important role in the social hierarchy of China. Social credit has significant effects on financial security. One of the results is that Enes will have trouble securing a loan for a house in any Chinese province. Not only that, but upon entering any 'smart city', the advanced facial recognition cameras will pinpoint his exact location. Any false move, and he will incur heavy fines.
This extends to on-court play. Players with low social credit score will be subject to more scrutiny by refs. Flagrant 2's are triggered at the slightest brush of an opponent. A raised voice results in being thrown off the court. Most shocking of all, players with low social credit have no 3 pointers. All shots are worth 2. If fouled, the player's shots are reduced to just one.
This will have SERIOUS consequences on his future Chinese career. We at 5thQuarterSports support this decision, and applaud him for his bravery.

Why Is My Dad A Raiders Fan All Of The Sudden?

Wed, 20 Oct 2021 01:16:42 +0000

SAN FRANCISCO -- I just don't get it. My father has never been a fan of football. I'm not even sure that he could name more than 3 teams before last week. I'm thinking of buying my parents a carbon monoxide detector, because my old man has come out as a Raiders fan. I walked into the kitchen early one Sunday morning and my father's face was painted black and silver. He was wearing platform boots, and had silver spikes protruding from various parts of his body. My first impression was that he was cosplaying as a member of KISS. I looked closer as I brushed the dust out of the corner of my eyes and saw a large number '4' on his chest. That is Carr's number. Then it hit me.
I probed him for the sudden fandom as I started to prepare coffee. I alluded that the Raiders have a pretty solid start to the season:
'Did you start following them because they're in good shape so far?', I asked.
He just shook his head, a smirk on his face. 
'Carr is looking pretty good, he has 10 touchdowns so far. Are you a fan of the quarterback?'
Again, just silent headshaking.
'Their offensive line is full of fresh talent. Are you stoked by their prospects?'
He just leaves the room.
I guess I will never know.

ITS TIMEEEEEEEE FOR OCTOBERRRRR BASEBALLLLLLL!!!!!

Tue, 05 Oct 2021 19:23:30 +0000

Welcome to 5thQuarterSports’ October predictions. They are totally accurate and 100% unbiased. Strap in, for the truth.
Wild Card Round</h1>

AL Wild Card – New York Yankees @ Boston Red Sox</h3>
The Red Sox are going to shit down the throats of the Yankees. Eovaldi is going to shove and the Sox are going to hit 3 home runs off of Gerrit Cole. The Red Sox are on a tear at the end of the year and the Yankees tried to blow their hopes of a postseason and just barely held on long enough to destroy their fans in October. Also fuck Aroldis Chapman.
NL Wild Card – St. Louis Cardinals @ Los Angeles Dodgers</h3>
The Cardinals are the HOTTEST team in baseball at exactly the right time. Nothing will ever be more satisfying than the Dodgers winning 106 games and losing in a one game wild card game. “They had the most ever wins (106) of any MLB team that failed to finish first in its division or league.” Just let that sink in. We root for chaos here at 5th Quarter Sports and the best possible outcome is for the Dodgers to be leading 3-1 going into the 9th and having the Red Birds score four off of Kenley Jansen to blow the save. Write the movie script now. Bring back David Freese and GIVE IT TO ME.
Divisional Series Round</h1>

ALDS – Boston Red Sox/Tampa Bay Rays</h3>
This should be the World Series matchup. This will be the best matchup the entire postseason and it’s a damn shame that Rob Manfred hates the fans and won’t let this happen. Wander Franco is the future of baseball. Ji-man Choi is a sex icon. Nelson Cruz fading off into the sunset. Brett Phillips running around with his arms out wide to the Titanic song. It’s perfect. Until Chris Sale, Pivetta, and Eduardo Rodriguez come in and SHOVE. This is going to be a hell of a series and the Red Sox will win in 4.
ALDS – Chicago White Sox/Houston Trashtros</h3>
This is a very even series too. Both very boring teams in 2021 and this will be a snoozer but very even series. I would love the White Sox to win so that’s the prediction. White sox in 5. Rodon might fuck around and throw another no-hitter. He also might give up 8 runs on 10 hits in 3 innings. You never know and that is the beauty in October baseball.
NLCS – St. Louis Cardinals/San Fran Giants</h3>
This series will be electric. Italics for emphasis. The Giants were the best team in baseball during the regular season. But this is the postseason baby. HENNEYTHING CAN HAPPEN. With that said, the Giants are v good. They will win. I don’t think anybody in any series will get swept but this will be a series where the Giants would’ve swept but they will blow a game late. Giants in four. This is all on the condition that Andrew R does not attend a single game. If he goes, they will lose and that material change can not be forecasted in our current algorithm.
NLCS – Atlanta Braves/Milwaukee Brewers</h3>
I haven’t watched a ton of Brewers games this year. All I know is Hader is incredible and shaky. At least in the 5ish games I watched. The Braves are so fucking good. The Braves will win. Again, no sweeps. So Braves in 4. Dansby Swanson will have his coming out party and Freddie Freeman looking to make a run and secure his Hall of Fame spot.
Championship Round</h1>

ALCS – Boston Red Sox/Chicago White Sox</h3>
THE MATCHUP OF THE SOCKS/SOX!!! We move to a 7 game series here and 7 is statistically harder to win then 5. Because of the more games and no sweeps this postseason. Schwarber will hit a few Schwarbombs, the fans will drink many vodka lemonades (see my MLB stadium ranking article), and Sweet Caroline will ring through the halls. Sox (Red) in 5.
NLCS – Atlanta Braves/San Fran Giants</h3>
The classic East Coast West Coast matchup. Great for Major League Baseball. Great for fans. It will be cold in the Bay. It will be weird in Atlanta. Yazasazastremsky will cement his own legacy coming out of his grandfather’s shadows, Tyler Rodgers will soft toss a few saves, and Giants in 7. Again, with the caveat that Andrew R does not attend.
World Series Round</h1>

World Series – Boston Red Sox/San Fran Giants</h3>
Oh baby. Here it is. Here we go. Other than the Red Sox/Rays matchup, this is the next best matchup. These teams are so evenly matched. The Giants only had a better record because the National League is a god damn cake walk. The last time these two teams met in the World Series was in 1912 when the Red Sox beat the New York Giants and it will happen again. Red Sox in 7. The Giants have more depth but the Red Sox have more star power.

These predictions are final and unbiased (see my MLB stadium ranking article to see that I am in fact unbiased)</a>. 

We Wanted To Know What James Harden and LeBron Jame's Shot Charts Looked Like for 2020-21

Sun, 03 Oct 2021 22:54:30 +0000

SAN FRANCISCO -- I’m like a cat in many ways. I like lapping milk, eating live birds, and shitting in the garden. In this specific case, I am cat-like in my curiosity. Like many calicos I wonder to myself, often when I am attempting to fall asleep: where do LeBron and James Harden make and miss shots? This isn’t the one that keeps me up for hours, swirling about my noggin, but it is one of the ones that passes through nightly.
Would it be easier to, say, run this through the ol’ Google machine? Yes, it would be. I in a temporary fit of insanity and insomnia, this is what the staff eventually approved of. I created them with gluesticks and construction paper. Hopefully my Mom'll tack this on the fridge for the neighbors to see during Bunco nights.
Now, is there anything here that everyone else didn’t already know? Nope. But they sure are purdy. </iframe> </iframe>