60 Little Piggies

Relationship Problems

2013-05-14T12:42:00.001-04:00

Hello again Dear Ones:

God crumbled me today. In a good way because He is a good God. I had been feeling like such a project for him. So many internal issues wrestling inside myself.

Character issues. Forgiveness issues. Honor issues. Selfishness. Not a pretty list is it?

If you read my post yesterday I was feeling really bad about honoring the difficult people. I kept thinking what is wrong with me? Why is this so hard? Why doesn't hearing the truth, hearing the word make this any easier? Why do I have to have these issues?

A snipit from one of My Pastors sermons today was on Facebook. I watced it and then I crumbled. It was like a piece of the wall that has had me inprisoned was chipped away.

Yes there have been difficult people in my life. Yes there have been hurts. Some situations left me raw and broken and full recovery has eluded me. Today though it became clear that I am partially to blame. I put people in a position to fill things inside of me that they were not designed to fill. I put them in the position of trying to turn a "good thing into a God thing" the position of turning " human encouragement into heavenly affirmation"

As this truth crumbled me before the Lord today, I felt hope. I want those walls torn completely down. I want to be set free. I want what only God can give me.

Father God forgive me for putting people in positions that they were not designed for. Forgive me, for ONLY you can affirm my deepest needs. Father God you are so incredibly faithful. Even if I am a huge project you will be faithful to complete the good work you have begun in me.

Take down the walls. Rebuild fresh and new.

Work In Progress

2013-05-13T10:21:00.001-04:00

Good Morning Dear Ones:

I hope this Monday morning finds you in a good spot in life. I had a lovely Mothers Day yesterday thanks to my wonderful husband and children. They blessed me with my favorite. Hand written notes. My number one love language is words of encouragement and I simply treasure their precious words from the heart to me.

Yesterday was also a great sermon at church. It was from the Elevation Honorology series. I had heard this one before and this series remains one of my all time favorites.

Even though I had heard this particular message before there were things that still fell on me fresh. I can honestly say my heart greatly desires to live a life of honor. For some it comes pretty easy. For instance the people that make deposits in your life. Those who invest and pour into you. Those who make a wrong right. I find my love account is so full for these people that honor comes very naturally. Then there are those people who don't make deposits. Some in fact who only withdraw from your account. I personally find it a great challenge to honor those people.

Pastor said something yesterday that really struck me. He said it's not based on what they have done for you but based on what He has done for you. WOW huh? It doesn't make honoring difficult people any easier but it has changed my perspective. It is my prayer that if I can keep my perspective in the right place that my actions will fall in line.

Father god, you know my heart. I want to walk in your ways. I want to live a life of honor. Give me your perspective and value for others. You know where I am weak. In those areas Lord I ask that you change me. Where I am weak,because of you, please make me strong.

A Tribute

2013-04-17T09:39:00.000-04:00

Good Morning Dear Ones:

I have had someone special on my mind the past few days. This person has been and always will be very special to me. Pastor Rich. He was our Pastor for over 12 years. I can not even tell you how much I love this man but I am going to try :)

I consider this man a spiritual daddy. The things he taught me on how to love God and love people will never be forgotten. He is one of those people that exemplifies Jesus with skin on.

I don't see Pastor Rich much anymore since our family has moved in a new church direction but I think of him and the time our family had under his leadership often. It is a part of my life I greatly treasure and fondly remember.
I trust Rich implicitly. He always made it safe for you to be real and open and vulnerable and never gave advice without it being asked for. He was always full of grace and never made me feel judged but only loved and valuable. His guidance has been invaluable in our lives.

I owe a great deal of gratitude to Pastor Rich because of being a part of his life, I am a better person. A better mother. A better friend. I personally want to thank him because knowing him has meant our family has grown closer to Jesus and we will never be the same again. He has taught our family about a real genuine faith. He has helped shape and mold our lives.

I hope you get to read this Pastor Richie. Your impact on this family and many many others is not overlooked. I am eternally grateful to know you. I miss you and I love you so very much.

photo credit: Avard Woolaver via photopin cc

Change is Coming I need a MOMent

2013-04-15T10:29:00.001-04:00

Good Morning Dear Ones:

I just wanted to tell you a little bit about my evening last night. Eric and I took Elijah our oldest son out to dinner last night to talk about college plans. Honestly this is an area that has been really difficult for me to be OK with. Not because of my Elijah mind you. Elijah is seriously one of the finest human beings I know. He loves God, loves his family and loves others. I could not be more proud of who he is. And I know that I know that I will feel the same about who he will be.

It is hard for me to grasp that this time is upon us. This precious boy of mine is becoming a man. He's not my little boy anymore and I am caught between being very proud and at the same time wanting to freeze time.

This change is not easy. I not only love this kid but I really really like him and my heart begins to throb when I think about how much I am going to miss him. I mean it literally aches and so I stuff it down until I have to think about it.

I just have to focus on how blessed I am. Thank you Lord that you gave Eric and I Elijah. Thank you for helping us every step of the way. Some things we did right and others we grossly messed up but ultimately he is yours. Praise the Lord, He is YOURS!!! Keep your loving hand upon him. Bless Him. Use Him. Fulfill your design for His life and thank you sweet Jesus for letting me share in it.

Oh and help my Mamas heart let go ...it is one of the hardest things I have before me.

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Interruption or Invitation?

2013-03-11T00:33:00.000-04:00

Hi Dear Ones:

I know it has been a while. My It Works! business has really been taking off. Even as I type that I sit and shake my head. Because I had told myself NEVER again would I try a home business. But It Works! is WORKING!!! I am in my third month and have come further along in that short time than I did in more than a years time with anything else. So I just wanted to share how excited I am by what has taken place and I am even more excited about what is to come. Thank you to everyone who has loved me along my "trying" journey. I really love this quote by Thomas Edison, " I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that wont work." All that to say that I am really glad I gave it another shot. I do praise the Lord for bringing this to my path.

Now on to what I really had on my heart tonight. Some areas of my life, like the one mentioned above, I have been completely enamored with. Just so delighted by the experience. Then other things have been quite the contrary. I have even been a little miserable with how some areas have been playing out.

Some areas I have felt like I have kind of lost myself in the shuffle. I will try my best to explain. I used to be more purposeful. Especially in areas of my family. We used to have regular outing with the kids one on one so they knew their individual importance and didn't get lost in the crowd. We used to have family meetings once a week so we just stayed connected as a family unit. As responsibilities in our family swelled those occasions became less frequent and some months non existent. Things that at one point I considered part of my calling became inconvenient.

We missed church this morning because 2 of our 6 were down with fevers, so we watched Pastor Furtick preach the 4th message of his In.Fin.8 series online so we wouldn't miss it. It was just what I needed, exactly when I needed it. I had been struggling with why couldn't I get back to my default setting. Where had my purposing gone?

Pastor Furtick posed this question:

"Are you consumed with your calling or with your convenience?"

Yep it sorta took my breath away. I think sometimes you can get worn down and you "call things like you see them and not how God see's them." Do I see what God has put before me as an interruption or as an invitation? Do I call what is before me overwhelming, too hard, monotonous, etc. etc. or do I call it how God see's it. An invitation to see his power. An invitation to my calling.

Pastor said something to this effect this morning:

Misery is inevitable anytime convenience is your consumption and God will consume your convenience to get you consumed with his calling.

So there it was. All the areas where misery was creeping in was my own consumption with convenience. My own calling things as I see them.

I am welled up right now as the whole thing settles on my heart. I have been praying over certain areas for quite a while and I have had the wrong perspective the whole time. Father God forgive me. I have been consumed with my comfort and my convenience. I have felt interrupted and I have missed invitations. Help me where I am weak and show yourself strong. I don't want "todays excuses to become tomorrows regrets, dressed in disguise." "Turn my misery into ministry." Thank you for you faithfulness to redirect. Thank you for your redemption.

You have blessed me! I am calling it like you see it. Consume me with your calling. I don't want to miss the invitation.

photo credit: Debs (ò‿ó)♪ via photopin cc

Special Siblings for Special Needs Kids

2013-02-19T22:59:00.000-05:00

Hello Dear Ones:

If you are a parent of a special needs child then you know firsthand all the responsibilities and rewards that go along with your place in life. Eric and I have not been in the midst of it all on our own. Before we adopted our daughters we were blessed with four sons the homemade way.

I wanted to use this post to express just how SPECIAL they are. They have a very special place in this family unit. I have seen my sons grow in many ways since our daughters have joined our family.

First and foremost they have grown in their faith. Elijah himself told me once that all the struggle with the adoption process and with special needs was just preparation. Because real life and real faith are not easy. Talk about maturity from a 15 year old kid at the time. My sons are young men of faith, with living and real relationships with God.

My sons have grown in love. I have seen these boys love and nurture two sweet little girls inflicted innocently with fetal alcohol syndrome. They don't tolerate or put up with these two little girls. They genuinely love and adore them. They are proud of them. They are affectionate with them. They are encouraging to them. They are helpful to them. They simply are the definition of big brothers at it's finest.

My sons have grown in understanding. Just like Eric and I, they realize that life isn't always black and white. Special needs brings with it a lot of grey areas. My sons have more grace in their lives because of it.

My sons have grown in responsibility. They can medicate, feed, clean, dress, and care for their sisters on a very reliable and trustworthy level. They more then most know what goes into their care and can provide it astoundingly well.

My sons have grown in encouragement. They can see the hard times and because of their great faith, love and understanding they can find compassion and truth when discouragement and doubt comes knocking at the door.

So to Elijah, Noah, Zion and Canaan I say this. You are all very special indeed. Living with special needs isn't easy but you guys all make it heartwarming. I could not be more proud of who you are and I am blessed to be witness to who you are becoming. Jubilee and Mercy have been given amazing gifts with their special brothers.

I Want to be a But Head

2013-02-12T11:44:00.001-05:00

Good Morning Dear Ones:

This is kind of a part two to my last post Know Your enemy. I think we can all agree that our real enemy is a real butt head.

I follow Lysa TerKeurst on facebook and her status post this morning was this:

"When I'm distracted by one wrong thing, I can miss out in seeing the many right things. I think this is a tactic the enemy uses against me. Against you. Against us.

So, today when this starts happening, let's stop our negative hyper focus by saying, “but”…and start listing things that are right."

Man does the enemy get me with this tactic. So I started thinking and decided you know I can really get that butt head if I would just be a but head.

I am going to take Lysa's advice to heart. Im going to make a conscience effort, when those negative hyper focus issues come at me, to list the many things that are right. I am going to call it my spiritual headbutt.

Know Your Enemy

2013-02-11T00:02:00.000-05:00

Dear Ones:

Have you ever had a bout with doubt? For me I have certain triggers that can send me into a nosedive.

A couple of weeks ago that trigger was pulled and my descent was put into motion.

It's a doomed, stuck feeling. I have been angry, frustrated, and despondent. You know the times when something comes at you so hard and you see what you are really made of and you don't like what you see.

I don't know about you but during attacks like this God and I are on screaming terms. Rattled is a good description. Questions, hesitation, uncertainty, distrust and disbelief don't just knock on the door....they come at you with tsunami force.

It is effortless to misjudge your attacker. Pain is blinding. It is hard to see past it. Whatever is in front of you is magnified.

I have been in a pit and doubt has slammed me hard.

I decided tonight after everyone went to bed and the house was quiet and no one needed anything from me to spend some time screaming so to speak with Jesus. I was reluctant to dive in, mostly because I have been so angry that I didn't have much confidence there was a remedy for my state of mind.

So I had my bible laid out, my journal ready, but still was putting the effort off.

I decided to stall and check instagram and the first photo in my feed was this:

And here was the caption: "The enemy inserts a question mark, creates subtle doubt, and begins to multiply it... Know your enemy."

The hardness in my heart began to corrode. Once again God met this mess right where she was at. He is so faithful and I am so foolish. You would think by now I would have learned this.

"For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world, and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms." Ephesians 6:12

Father God I am sorry. I'm sorry for allowing doubt and suspicion to slither in. I'm wounded, weak and broken right now so I ask that you open my eyes. Help me recognize and fight my true enemy. I need to know my enemy but more importantly help me know and trust my Savior.

Good and Perfect Gifts

2013-01-23T13:10:00.000-05:00

Good Afternoon Dear Ones:

I have been thinking lately. Thinking about what raising two daughters with fetal alcohol syndrome has given me and my family. I am sure some look at our family and look at what I have laid bare in vulnerable moments and it may get interpreted as what they have taken away from us. Sure we have less freedom, challenges and more responsibilities, but this I believe:

"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows."

What does this tell me. It tells me, that the daughters, the Lord has given me, are good and perfect gifts. God doesn't change so this is always true.

He has not only given me two beautiful daughters but he has also given me these gifts because of them:

I have more compassion. Compassion for those who are innocently afflicted. Compassion for caregivers and parents and teachers who daily love and nurture those afflicted. It is often times a judged and thankless position to be in. Compassion for isolation and loneliness. Compassion for being tired and discouraged and sometimes feeling hopeless. Compassion for running on empty because so much has been drained from you.

I have more understanding. How many times due to lack of understanding on my part, did I myself in fact judge? Not every screaming child in the grocery line or every problem child in class is due to poor parenting.

I have more reasons to celebrate. Some things come easy to neurotypical children like potty training, sleep, learning, and behavior. I know first hand just how much it takes to make strides now. And believe me it is reason to celebrate.

I have drawn so much closer to my heavenly father, because He is my source. Without my savior the discouraging times that come would have left me withered and dead. Without him my eyes would have been blind to the good and perfect gifts he has laid out before me.

Having more compassion, understanding, reasons to celebrate, and closeness, those are really good gifts don't you think? I am sure my God will use His perfect gifts in my life perfectly.

Fantastic Video

2013-01-14T07:40:00.004-05:00

Good Morning Dear Ones:

A friend of mine, who also has a heart for adoption, posted this video from ILikeGiving.com on facebook the other day and I just can't stop thinking about it. It is just so fantastic that I had to share it. Grab some tissues your going to need them.

Father God I thank you that you allowed our family to be a part of such a beautiful miracle called adoption.

Have to Brag and Celebrate

2013-01-09T14:08:00.000-05:00

Hi Dear Ones:

As much as I am able to lay myself bare on this blog when I am struggling, I want to the same degree, rejoice and celebrate God's ever faithful blessings in my life.

So today I want to brag on my son Noah. There are a slew of things that I could brag about him about, but today I am going to share an idea he had that has been a huge help in our large family.

It is about laundry. It is a never ending situation in our family. I have always been able to pretty much stay on top of getting everyones clothes clean, but folding is another story. I would pile each of the many loads weekly until what I named, Mount Laundrymore, developed. Just a huge pile that most of the time was dug through in frustration trying to find whose was whose. Or it required a VERY LONG time to get the chore tackled. Something that we don't have a lot of.

My Noah came up with the idea of each boy having their own exclusive laundry basket and for each boy to be responsible to wash and fold their own laundry. I have to say I doubted the idea at first but it has gone over amazingly well. The Mountain has crumbled and so have frustration levels when it comes time to get dressed.

So join me as I applaud this kid for who he is and for how he is such a blessing to our family. I tell you the young women that get the honor of becoming my boys wives one day...look out... they are good ones!

I also have to praise the Lord and celebrate today because over Christmas break my Jubilee was finally potty trained. I had dug my heels in and we refused her anymore pullups or diapers during the day. She literally begged me to put them on her but we just told her no she was a big girl now and she literally only had one accident during the whole break. I thought since she was finally waking up dry from her naps and even after all night that it was time to go hard core. I was prepared to have a big chore before me as we began but it really could not have gone any better. I sincerely praise the Lord for this because I was fearful she would literally start kindergarten in pullups. And it gives me hope that even though it took her until she was 4.5 that Mercy will get it when she shows me the signs also.

Then finally I have to celebrate My Marley girl today. She really is such a joy to me...most of the time :)
Today is her fourth birthday and we are hopeful she will, as Buster did, enjoy a long life in our family.

Blessings and hugs,

It Works

2013-01-06T19:49:00.000-05:00

Hi Dear Ones:

Often times the New Year comes with New things. One of the New things for me this year is It Works!

I had heard about It Works products in bits and pieces on facebook and my curiosity was definitely peaked. Mostly because after four pregnancies, no amount of fitness seems to get me the results I hope to achieve. My belly is my problem area.

A personal friend of mine shared her amazing personal results with me and I started asking questions. I became so intrigued that I not only wanted to try these products on myself but I also wanted to share the same products and opportunity with others. Just take a look at her results for yourself.

I was cautious as I approached this new endeavor. I have tried many other opportunities in the past and came away with a wounded self esteem. What is different this time is, I am not desperately searching to find something "that I am good at." Im not going to define my worth or value with this. If you read my previous post, Gut Honest, then you know my heart desire is to have my God at the very center of everything in my life and that includes this.

I will not force this on anyone. I will not put it before relationships. What I will do is share my personal experience in a honest way.

So, if you are like me, and your curiosity is peaked, then feel free to go and check out my website and if you like what you see I'd love to hear from you. http://michelleselent.myitworks.com

All for Him,

Gut Honest

2013-01-01T20:38:00.001-05:00

Hi Dear Ones:

Let me just start by saying this isn't a typical New Years post. It started in my own personal journal. That safe place to be gut honest. In search of an adjective to describe how I am feeling right now ~
agitated came to mind. I looked up the definition and it was the perfect description.

Agitated - troubled emotionally and usually deeply.

Yep agitated is perfect. I am struggling greatly in a couple areas of my life. There are so many questions running through my brain. All I know is I want to hear from God. I want to hear what He has to say. I don't want to do things my own way. I don't want to miss His promises or become impatient and birth an Ishmael in my life.

In the midst of everything I don't know right now, I unshakably know and desire for Jesus to be smack dab in the center of every single area of my life. As Pastor Steven Furtick says I want everything in my life to orbit around Jesus.

As I was pouring out my heart in my journal tonight part of me felt guilty for some of my emotions. I wished for what I felt honestly to honestly be something different. Something more mature or more christian. Then when I put the pen down I picked up my "unglued" devotional book by Lysa TerKeurst. The title for my devotion today was "God I'm a little mad and a lot confused."

Here was the verse for todays devotion:

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him, and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6

Followed by the thought for today:

"God is big enough to handle our honest feelings."

At that point my tears began to fall. What a wonderful thing that we can go to God and let our gut honest feelings rip. What a wonderful thing that we can trust him and not lean on our own understanding. How glorious that He is faithful and He will make our paths straight.

Lysa also included this verse:

"You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." Jeremiah 29:13 followed by this quote, "All your heart includes the parts that are broken.

I just thought it was cool that the father spoke to me right there in my agitated state. It's ok to be gut honest. God is big enough for my mess. He is so gentle.

As it was all sinking in, there was a little knock at my door. In came my son Noah. In his hands he had a little bag of Jelly Beans and he said he had brought them to me because he thought I had seemed a little down. Oh how it blessed my heart. In that moment I was thankful that God was putting things before me, like my sweet son, to give my eyes something to focus on and praise.

Honestly not a bad way at all to start this new year... don't you think?

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Finding Friendship

2012-12-11T09:56:00.000-05:00

Good Morning Dear Ones:

This mornings post has been on my heart for quite some time now. Many times I have felt the Lord stop my fingers from typing because my heart was just not in the right place. Things get muddled in the pool of hurt and a lack of understanding, so I waited for the Holy Spirit to make things more clear.

One of the biggest adjustments that has come from our adoption journey has been that every single relationship we have or had changed. Some for the worse and some for the better and some new relationships came into play as well.

As a large family and a special needs family at that, maintaing friendships is hard. Harder than I ever imagined it would be.

I know for us personally our parental responsibilities became so great, that I honestly didn't have, and often times still don't have, a lot left over. So I am sure that plays a huge role in relationship disintegration.

I am seeking God right now about how to find friendship and community again. I desperately miss doing life with others. Feeling a part and being included in relationships outside our family.

Honestly the girls neurological issues make it challenging. It is hard to participate in things with them when you know they struggle with impulse control and cause and effect. With my boys I used to help out in the church office, I could take them with me knowing they would listen to me and behave appropriately. Our childcare support system is minimal at best. So I am waiting on the Lord to help me figure things out. Maybe this is just for a season or maybe I need to learn some more skills or maybe God will help us find a better support system.

There is an awful ache in my heart to feel connected. Please Lord Jesus help me find friendship. Help me find where I fit with where I am at right now. In your precious faithful name I pray.

photo credit: Shandi-lee via photopin cc

All for Him

2012-11-27T15:42:00.002-05:00

Hi Dear Ones:

I have missed being here. Things have been extra busy for me since Eric's surgery. He is still not able to walk and so my partner in care, of our very full life, has been incapacitated.

I have to say though, I have been doing really well. I have been purposing to remember. Remember God's faithfulness. There isn't one single hard spot in my life that He has not brought me through. Not one. He has a perfect track record. How awesome is He?

I have also been purposing to be thankful. Even in the midst of struggles I find something praise worthy. Something that merits gratitude. The circumstances don't necessarily change but my outlook does.

I am also getting things put back into their proper place. God has once again reminded me that my life isn't about me at all. I am utterly miserable when I place me at the center. As Max Lucado puts it "Life makes sense when we accept our place. The gift of pleasures, the purpose of problems ~ ALL for Him. The God centered life works. And it rescues us from a life that doesn't."

That is exactly how I feel right now. Rescued. Rescued from forgetfulness of God's faithfulness. Rescued from complaining. Rescued from self centeredness.

When I remember, my faith increases and my fears diminish.

When I am thankful my heart is happy.

When I place God at the center and make my life all about Him I have peace of mind and I am free.

Father God, thank you for your faithfulness, without my messiah I am such a mess. Keep my eyes stedfast on you. I never want to forget. My life is yours. My blessings are yours. My struggles are yours. My everything is yours. It is in complete surrender to You and your plans that, even though it's not about me, I feel I become the best me. All for you my king...all for you.

photo credit: Will Foster via photopin cc

Wanting To Shine

2012-11-12T15:11:00.001-05:00

Hello Dear Ones:

Have you ever felt like you are past something only for it to resurface unexpectedly? I think I so badly want to be past a wound I have in my heart that I push it down and almost convince myself that it doesn't exist any more. Then something happens to prick that wound and all the pain comes flooding to the surface again.

My heart wound is I want to shine. I so desperately want to be good at something. To feel valuable and significant. That I matter. Something happened today that caused that old wound to fester again.

I suddenly felt small and unimportant. Unaccomplished. Untalented. Inferior.

Memories of many things that I have tried to shine with, came to mind, and all I could see was a flicker at best.

As the tears slipped down my cheeks I felt the Father speak to me. Michelle it's not about a big stage. It doesn't matter if you can sell a product or how many followers and comments you have on your blog or Instagram. You shine brightest when you shine for me. Follow me, listen to and obey what I say. When no one else is looking and when everyone around you is. You matter because you are mine. Stop comparing your game footage to everyone else's highlight reel. What I have put before you is different to what I have put before others. Live your life. Seeking Me every step of the way... surrender.

When you change your trillionth diaper you shine.
When you say a kind word or speak encouragement you shine.
When you have a thankful heart and remember Me you shine.
When you have a servants heart you shine.
When you praise me you shine.
When you are gentle you shine.
When you forgive you shine.
When you ask forgiveness you shine.
When you do laundry or feed your family you shine.

So I think my wound healed up a little bit today. I think the more I put the truth into practice I'll eventually be able to take the bandage off and be fully healed.

Thank you Father God for loving me just how I am, just where I am at, but faithfully shaping and molding me to be the best ME I can be.

photo credit: Lazurite via photopin cc

I Swerved

2012-10-25T10:45:00.000-04:00

Good Morning Dear Ones:

Let me begin ethis post by asking for prayer for my husband. He is in Charlotte today ZZl' b gfhaving foot surgery done to remove a bone that only 2 percent of people have that has been causing him pain for well over a year now. Of course we want him home safe with a full recovery so he can get back to himself soon.

Then I want to share with you just how God has been speaking to me. Some friends and I are going through Lysa Terkeurst Bible study "UNGLUED ~ Making wise choices in the midst of raw emotions." Once again God has brought something to me that has divine perfect timing.

The past couple weeks have been some of the most challenging we have ever had with the girls. We are on our second medication since the last one. The first one we tried was horrific. Mercy screamed unconsolably for four hours until almost midnight one night then woke up screaming again at 5 a.m. This coming on after both the girls literally were awake for 48 hours coming off the old medication, left us empty.

I did come unglued. I was furious to see what was happening to our girls. I yelled and screamed myself. Right at God. Literally waving my fist in the air in complete exhaustion and frustration. I cried the shoulder heaving cry. You know the kind that leaves you looking like you have Garfield the cat eyes when you wake up the next morning. Yeah it wasn't pretty.

Then comes the guilt. The guilt that comes from knowing that I swerved. When circumstances came at me hard and I didn't stand firm. Doubt didn't creep into my heart it bombarded it.

I kept thinking where is God's glory in all of this? How is He for me and not against me in all of this? What future and hope do my girls really have? Really? Is faith really just something you use to psych yourself out of reality?

I was broken and empty.

A quote from this weeks homework struck my wounded soul.

"And empty women, oh how we come unglued. Especially when the empty settles into the part of our souls where unmet desires restlessly wait. And in the dark corner, desperation churns for what could be but isn't, and what we want but still don't have."

I long for my sweet chocolattes to be redeemed from what their birth mother inflicted upon them. I long for them to learn. I long for them to be able to eat normally, sit normally, focus normally, speak normally, make friends, fit in, bring joy to others, and one day for them to know Jesus and serve him, while living successful adult lives. I long to not only love them but to like them more. Don't get me wrong they have very endearing aspects of who they are. Mercy can smile and laugh and melt you to pieces with her cuteness and Jubilee is such a love bug. But the scales are tipped right now with all the behavior issues.

God brought this scripture verse back to the forefront:

"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." Galatians 6:9

Lysa also said this, "He goes deep like the ocean. He stretches wide like the sky. He reaches out like the sun. Even when our tears slip, we know his hand never does." Oh how I needed to read that.

Elevation church in Charlotte has a worship song called "Give Me Faith." Let me share some of the beautiful words with you this morning:

I need you to soften my heart
To break me apart
I need you to open my eyes
To see that You're shaping my life

All I am
I surrender

Give Me faith to trust what you say
That you're good and your love is great
I'm broken inside, I give you my life

I need you to soften my heart
To break me apart
I need you to Pierce through the dark
And cleanse every part of me

I may be weak
Your spirit strong in me
My flesh may fail
My God you never will

So yes I swerved and yes my flesh failed. But in my best "Jesus take the wheel" voice I tell you I am swerving back. Thank you Jesus that you never fail. Help me to not give up and to see the harvest.

God knows my unmet desires and why they mean so much to me. May I desire Him even more and May he give me an unswerving faith.

photo credit: Phillie Casablanca via photopin cc

I'm Down

2012-10-22T14:15:00.000-04:00

Dear Ones:

I am down today. My hope-o-meter is low. After my last post about problems with the girls medications things have gone from bad to worse. They were literally awake for 48 hours coming off the other medication. Once we got to a new base line the Dr. wanted to try another stimulant medication even though I told her that with the other stimulants there was only bad side effects and results. She said there was nothing else to try non-stimulant wise. She also told me flat out that "it was going to be very difficult to find something to actually work for my girls."

I have asked the teachers to keep me informed and today Jubilee was described as "defiant, not nice verbally, refusing to do what is asked of her, and yelling at the top of her lungs." I got a very similar report from the bus aide.

I am drained and exhausted. I feel like a faith weakling that has been kicked down and it's hard getting my scrappiness back. Really hard.

It is an enormous disappointment to have caught a glimpse of normalcy just to have it snatched away from you.

I know my God is faithful. I know somehow He will be glorified in all of this. I know He will work all things, yes even this, together for good. But right now, what I know and what I feel are not even in the same hemisphere of my brain. A real mental tug-o-war.

May He release His power upon me. Upon my girls. May the lies, that appear true, be hushed. May it not be what doctors or books say, but only what He says.

He has the power to do a miracle here. A real freaking miracle, but even if not, I will praise Him.

He will lift me up.
It's His job not mine.
If my worst fears come to pass, then God.
It's safe to be real with a real God.
I'm His girl. My daughters are His.
What is meant for evil He will turn it around for good!
This is His story.
To Him be the glory.

Medication Maladies

2012-10-15T07:53:00.000-04:00

Good Morning Dear Ones:

Im not really sure how to begin this post. I don't want anything to take away from the joy of our much awaited adoption finalization.

It was however a perplexing week with the girls last week. They seemed to be reverting to old behaviors at home and at school. I even got a note home from school that was very characteristic of the many notes I received home last year.

Their sleep patterns also were worse than the normal not sleeping through the night situations, where they were up several times a night. Including being very upset when they awoke.

Mercy even had a uncontrollable episode where she could not be calmed and so she was left in her bed to settle but instead she stripped her clothes off and urinated everywhere.

I contacted their developmental specialist thinking maybe we need to adjust their dosage but when I described what was happening she said she wish she knew if there was a history of mental illness in their birth family, because what I was describing was evidence of that, especially bipolar disorder. I then told her that I knew that their birth mother was in fact diagnosed bipolar, and she was then urgent about getting them off their current medication. She felt they were becoming manic.

Needless to say my heart sank. We began weening them off their meds over the weekend and working to getting them to a new baseline.

We are discouraged because of the initial success we were seeing in the girls. To say they were challenging this weekend is an understatement. It seemed impossible to hold still. Focus was fleeting at best and behavior was defiant. Impulse control was non existent.

This has come at us so unexpected. We thought we had found our answers but now are back at square one.
Would you pray for our family? That we would not lose hope. For wisdom for the doctors and us as parents to find just the right medications for our sweet chocolattes.

Thanks so much,

photo credit: Alex Dodd via photopin cc

My Wonder

2012-10-11T11:21:00.000-04:00

Good morning Dear Ones:

Well my eyes have dried up... kind of :) So now I can write the post I have been longing to write. We officially started our adoption journey on July 9th, 2007. That was 1,921 days ago or 5 years, 3 months and 1 day to be exact.

When I think about that I am blown away. I honestly thought in my head when we started with the country of Guatemala that it would be 9 months to a year and done. After we had finished our home study and turned our dossier in, I began to feel like we would not just bring 1 brown baby girl home but that there would be 2. I even had dreams about it. Noah also, without knowing my thoughts or dreams, had dreams that we would bring 2 girls home. When I told Eric about it , He just said "well if that's the case then God is going to have to do miracles because I don't even know how we are going to afford bringing 1 girl home."

I can still remember the deep pain and frustration when the country closed. I felt like a fool. I questioned how did I miss God? I thought I was doing what he wanted me to do and then the country was closed. Our money was gone and we were drowning in debt. There was no financial way possible to move on with international adoption so we started investigating private domestic adoption and quickly realized, that it too, was financially impossible. We were crushed.

Then in Early 2009, a friend of mine called me to tell me about a woman she knew that adopted her children through foster care and that it didn't cost her a penny to do so. I didn't know much about foster care except for the fact that it was risky. I got the lady's number from my friend and talked with her for over an hour that night. The next day I called different foster care agencies and found out that a new foster parent class was starting the next week. This was a glimmer of hope that our dream/call to adoption was not dead.

We finished our training in April 2009 and then once again we waited. Finally in June my phone rang and there was a little girl waiting for us in the NICU. She came home to us on June 9th. In some ways it was easier to finally have this precious flesh and blood little girl in my arms. To have a face to the dream. But in others a whole new level of difficulty arose. Weekly visitations with birth parents made us painfully aware that our hearts were in a place of vulnerability like never before.

I can remember the morning of August 10th very well. I was thinking how am I going to do this? It was too much risk. Too much was at stake. I asked God to give me strength that morning. I asked him for a wonder to confirm and help me endure what was before me. I am not kidding you, not even 10 minutes later my phone rang and it was DSS asking me if we would take in our Baby girls birth sister. I think my jaw literally dropped. I knew instantly that this was my second brown baby girl, that I had dreamed about. I told her I had to call and ask my husband. My heart pounded and my fingers fumbled as I quickly dialed his number and when I told him, he instantly without hesitation replied let's go get her.

From that moment on I knew we were on the right path. I didn't know how long it would take or even if it would end up as I was so desperately hoping that it would. God had confirmed it. He had given me my wonder.

It took three more years and many more tears after that day to get to adoption finalization. Whenever the road felt impossible to keep traveling God would remind me of that day and renew my strength to stay the course.

Thank you Father God that you do above and beyond what we could ever ask or think. You truly are the God of wonders.

Finally It's Over ~ The best is yet to come

2012-10-10T15:47:00.000-04:00

Dear Ones:

I can not promise much lucidity in this post. I just got the call. Yep the one my heart has been aching to receive that Jubilee Hope is FINALLY FOREVER OURS!!!!! It is official and I am doing the ugly cry right now. Praise the Lord for his faithfulness. So thankful it came today, a day that I was feeling like I didn't have much left in me to keep waiting. It's over glory be to his name! My girls....His girls forever and ever ours!!!!!

Feast your eyes on my little beauty and when my emotions settle a bit stay tuned for the post about her I have been just dying to write!!!

Simple Smiles

2012-10-10T10:34:00.002-04:00

Good Morning Dear Ones:

I wish I had some adoption finalization news for you, but I don't. It is starting to wear on me. I can't stop thinking that it should be done already. So hopefully soon. I am going to have to make some adjustments to Jubilee's adoption party outfit because it was more geared for summer weather.

On another note, I wanted to share something sweet and simple with you today because if I just dwell on our judge and how I'd like to slap a knot on his head then I spiral to a bad place.

Over the weekend our family added a new furry family member to our crew. Her name is Marley and she is a standard schnauzer. She's so sweet, smart and good company. A great replacement, to fill our Buster's paw prints. She has been fitting right in and we grow more smitten with her each day.

Before I get to the smile part let me give you a little background. Since the girls started pre-school we have had a time getting them to stop sticking their tongues out at each other and others.

Yesterday morning as we were getting them dressed for school, Marley was nearby watching the process and panting quietly. Mercy in her best tattle tale voice said "Daaadddy Marwee is sticking her tongue out at Meeee." She then pointed her finger at her and told her that it was not nice.

Eric and I just cracked up. So I hope my simple smile moment causes the curves of your lips to lift also.

Blessings!

One Year Ago Today

2012-09-20T12:31:00.001-04:00

Dear Ones:

I am remembering today. A year ago today was a day of much anticipated celebration. Then it had been a little over four years since we had started our adoption journey. It was a roller coaster ride that took me, our family, through many valleys and mountain tops. This day though was a mountain top. We had just returned from one of Elijah's soccer games and I noticed the red blinking light on our voicemail. As I listened to it I froze and began to ball my eyes out. There it was ringing in my ears that Mercy Jewel was finally forever ours. No one could take her away. My dream had finally come true and was secure. The brown baby girl that I had longed for and prayed for and loved was ours. Our daughter. Our precious gift.

As I ran to tell everyone what I had just heard I will never forget how each of us hugged each other in one big family hug and shouted praises and cried tears of relief and joy that this day had finally come. It will always be such a precious memory to all of us.

We are still waiting to get that call and celebrate that delightful news with our sweet Jubilee. And I can't wait to post her pictures and share a special story just about her.

Until then I am going to enjoy the sweet memories that this date holds and look forward to another date very similar and hopefully in the near future.

We adore you Mercy Jewel and our family has grown not only in size but in character and in love because of your precious addition to it.

Results

2012-09-19T15:15:00.000-04:00

Dear Ones:

I just heard back from my doctor. The cervical results show no malignancy. The tumor in my uterus will be watched and based on symptoms not be removed at this time. The mammogram results showed no malignancy with a caution of very dense breast tissue that can hide malignancy so to stay on top of monthly and annual breast exams and testing. So my family and I are praising Jesus for a good report and we are ever so thankful to everyone known and unknown that covered us in prayer in this situation.

God is good all the time!!!

Needing Prayer

2012-09-14T13:13:00.001-04:00

Dear Ones:

So I debated to share this news or not. Then I thought about the reasons why I blog. I blog because I love to write. I blog because it is therapeutic for me to get my feelings and thoughts out. I blog because I like connecting with others. I blog to encourage. I blog for support. I blog so people don't feel alone. I blog to share real life and real faith. I blog because I can share my faith and hopefully bring glory to my Savior.

I am needing prayer right now. For three weeks now I have been dealing with an injured back, either a badly pulled muscle or a herniated disc, painful and frustrating to say the least. But yesterday I had some news that was unsettling. I went for my annual gynecologist appointment and the doctor found a fibroid tumor in my uterus and a mass in my left breast. I have a mammogram scheduled for Monday morning.

I can honestly tell you that I was not shocked, as strange as that may seem. I felt the Lord nudging me for a few months now to get myself checked out. But also just as honest is that it does make me vulnerable to fear. I do have a select few near and dear that already know my circumstances and it just has to be their prayers that are holding me up.

For now I won't pour out the vast array of difficult emotions that come at me. I am trying my best to keep them at bay until I have more information. I have a strange sense of peace even in the midst of the unknown.

Still I believe in the power of prayer, so for those of you who also believe will you lift me and my family up if we come to mind?

I will keep you posted. I know God is with me.

"So do not worry, because I am with you. Do not be afraid, because I am your God. I will make you strong and I will help you. I will support you with my right hand that saves you." Isaiah 41:10