60 Little Piggies

Grab Some Tissues

2012-01-26T11:14:00.000-05:00

Dear Ones:
A friend of mine shared this with me and it is to good not to share. Grab tissues I balled my eyes out.

CLICK HERE

Embracing Seasons

2012-01-25T14:11:00.000-05:00

Dear Ones:

It is a beautiful day here where we live. One of the things I enjoy most about our neck of the woods is we get to enjoy a nice taste of each wonderful season.

This morning I was reading a devotional with my guys, by my boy Max Lucado. The starting verse was this:

"To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven." Ecclesiastes 3:1

The devotional talked about how "God dispenses life the way he manages his cosmos: through seasons."

We expect earthly seasons and even enjoy them but somehow when the change of personal or emotional seasons happen we can be so upset. As I read these words it rang so true for me. There are some changes like new paint colors on my walls, rearranging a room, or a new outfit that I totally relish. But mess with my emotions, order of doing things or my semblance of control and you have a season resister on your hands. Those are the times when you think why can't it always be spring? Why does anything have to change?

Max reminded me that through the seasons of our life that "You journey in the company of the Holy Spirit, who will teach you everything and will remind you of everything I myself have told you." John 14:26 And he encouraged me to "make friends with whatever is next."

For some time now I have been in the resistance stage of the loss of how my parenting used to work. I have greatly struggled with this change.

Max described how "change is a necessary part of God's strategy to use us to change the world, and God alters our assignments." I absolutely loved the examples he shared:

Gideon: from farmer to general
Mary: peasant girl to the mother of Christ
Paul: local rabbi to world evangelist
Joseph: baby brother to an Egyptian prince
David: shepherd to a king
Peter: fisherman to church leader

It was amazing to me to ponder these life reassignments. I mean these were drastic changes. Leaving comfort zone vacancies, big time. It was soothing to me. It reaffirmed that God does have a plan in our whole adoption journey, and it is, as always, so much bigger than I can even comprehend.

Just like the saints mentioned above, I have been completely brought to a new season in my life. It has been very unfamiliar territory. But just look at each of those examples. They all came with suffering and hardship. But they also came with a great purpose. I certainly still have those days where I feel like why? Why did He choose us for this? But you know what? I really am starting to embrace the changes. Starting to look with anticipation to see this reassignment play out. See the purpose in it all. I fall more and more in love with my savior every single day. Only He could have orchestrated such a reassignment and plan and it can only be for good and His glory that He did so.

Stay tuned Dear Ones the best is yet to come, you won't want to miss it!

167 Days and Counting

2012-01-24T10:09:00.001-05:00

Dear Ones:

Just thinking about my sweet Jubilee (Big Sister) this morning. It has been 167 days since our last court date. That is exactly 5 months and 14 days since the judge terminated parental rights. Which is precisely 2 years 5 months and 14 days since she came to our home.

It has been easier somewhat since Mercy's adoption was final. It was like putting down large buckets full of concrete and finally resting the day she became ours. I didn't have to worry about her life anymore. I knew she would be loved and taken care of. It just seems logical that Big Sister will follow suit right?

The other day she was coming home on the bus and I had to go to an appointment and passed her on the hill going up to our house. The bus aid told Eric she lost it when she saw me pass. She cried her eyes out for Mommy. She thought I was leaving her.

Like I have said before, the judge has no time limit to make a decision on this second appeal and then birth mom technically will still get another appeal if she decides to do so.

I am just ready for the judge to make a decision already. We have to figure out a way to get 12 hours of training in before May now so she can remain in our home. Training that I have never found useful. I'm ready to put her buckets down. I'm ready to not have to worry about her well being. To know she will be safe, loved and taken care of.

Can I just ask for prayer today my friends? Pray we will hear something soon. Pray it will be in our favor. Pray she will transfer to the adoption unit soon.

I think most days I am doing pretty well waiting on the Lord with this, but today I just want to cry.

Mini Makeovers In Progress

2012-01-23T14:05:00.001-05:00

Hi Dear Ones:

I thought I could wait this post out but I just can't do it. I have been doing some redecorating around the house. No project is finished yet, they are all still works in progress, but I could not be more pleased with how things are going. Fresh and new happy colors abound. There are still some finishing details like bed skirts, curtains and wall art to finish the jobs but so far so YAY!!!!

I have to give my Father-in Law a shout out because thanks to him and all his hard work last week the walls look amazing!

Here are some of my before and afters. I will post finished jobs when they are complete.

Office before 1 (brown)

Office before 2 (Blue)

Voila ~~~ Office after (gray and yellow)

Master Bed before

Master bed after ~~~ I LOVE it so much!!!

Kitchen before (green and orange)

Kitchen after (deep turquoise and you can see the fabric sample of a future valance with red and yellow too!!

So what do you think? I am just giddy about it all !!!!

Another F.A.S

2012-01-22T02:45:00.001-05:00

Dear Ones:

It is just one of those nights where I can't sleep. I was lying in bed and my mind was occupied with musings. I started thinking about my sweet girls. It pains me a great deal when I think about their diagnosis of fetal alcohol syndrome. The symptoms and struggles are all evident. Mercy was never in the situation that her issues could be a result of environment. Our home is the only home she has ever been in. It is heartbreaking to me, to think, F.A.S is not something you can "good parent" out of a child.

One of the main reasons our hearts were so pulled to adoption, I believe, was the desire to be good parents to someone who desperately needed that roll filled in their lives.

I think parenting wounded kids so much of the time can really cause parents to doubt their skills. Or even make you feel like you don't have any skills. The satisfaction of progress or success so much of the time can elude you. You want to see your child do well in life. To thrive, be successful, flourish and turn out well.

I know the Lord has told me to pray and believe BIG for my girls. I know as much as I love them He loves them more. So I started thinking what would He diagnose my girls with. This is what came to mind.

F - Fulfilling
A - Almighty's
S- Story

There are some things about my God, that I just know deep down in the core of my being to be true. Let me share a few. At the top of the list is He is redeemer. He can not be in a story where redemption is not part of the plot. I also know he is the God of Hope. Every ending he writes ends in hope. And finally I know he always has a plan. So standing on these absolutes, my girls... His girls... are just in the preface of a beautiful story. The Almighty's story. It will come to completion. It will be fulfilled. And you know what, it will be amazing!

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28

"He who was seated on the throne said, I am making everything new... Revelations 21:5

"For I know the plans I have for you (Mercy and Jubilee) declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

"Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith..." Hebrews 12:2

I'm thankful tonight that I get to be a main character in this story. To be continued...

I'm Back

2012-01-16T17:47:00.002-05:00

Dear Ones:

Just wanted to update you on some of my MORE for 2012. One of the areas was health and fitness. I was on the best workout streak of my adult life starting in August of last year. I did not miss a single workout from August to mid December six days a week. Then came Christmas break and taking a day off here and there basically ended up to being about a month off. I sincerely lost my drive, and when you are working towards forty and fabulous that really is a setback towards your goal. My laziness just kept gnawing at me. I had a decision to make.

I think sometimes you just have to decide. Come to that resolution in your mind that you are just going to do what you need to do. So that is what I did. I woke up this morning and I said I am NOT going to bed tonight UNTIL I get a workout in.

Let me tell you it felt great! I missed my endorphin friends! I really do love a good sweat! It also gave me some time to think about some of my spiritual decisions. Walking in obedience really requires some stamina. I mean life is messy and it's hard and it really can be such a strain so much of the time, but getting places with Jesus is always 100 percent of the time so worth every ounce of sweat and tears that goes into it.

It made me think about this scripture as I was running (ahem I mean more like a brisk jog for me) on my treadmill this afternoon:

""Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us." Hebrews 12:1

Each of us has our own race marked out for us. We all come from different paths and professions. I am sure however that struggle and strain just go with the territory no matter where you come from. But there is purpose in the labor. Strength is being built in our spiritual muscles just like the strain that is put on your physical muscles through exercise. Eventually endurance is built up and you are able to succeed in places you once didn't even think possible.

So if something has been gnawing at you lately let me encourage you to talk about it with your heavenly father. He loves you so and he has a future and a hope in store for you that is an amazing adventure. Then decide. Decide to take that step of faith, or make healthy food choices, or set aside time to pray or exercise. Whatever the case may be. Sweet victory is always on the horizon. The spiritual endorphins do come.

My Bad

2012-01-13T07:51:00.001-05:00

Dear Ones:

A friend of mine sent me a link this morning saying that the posting link problem with facebook was a common problem for many users, and from what I have been able to read it was a problem between facebook and blogger. In fact I actually was able to post a link again last night. This makes me feel better on some level to think someone I know did not find my postings so annoying that they had to mark it as spam. On another level it makes me feel foolish that it affected me so much emotionally. I also don't think it is right for facebook to give me a message that my post was marked as spam by someone when it was their issue. All in all though I am glad the problem is fixed and even though things were not as they seemed I am thankful my loving heavenly father still used all things for good to speak to me. I hope in my reaction I did not offend anyone. If so please have some grace towards me and forgive me. I hope all of you will have a blessed weekend.

A Thank You For The Thank You's

2012-01-12T10:47:00.000-05:00

Dear Ones:

Good Morning. I just wanted to share with you some of how God has spoken to me this morning. I had my feelings hurt yesterday and my confidence and drive took a plunge. So I took my hurt feelings before my heavenly father this morning.

Yesterday I went to share one of my blog posts on my facebook page. As I went to enter the link it told me that my blog links had been blocked because someone marked my link as spam. I don't really know how posting a link about your blog on a page made for your blog is spam but what can you do?

It hurt my feelings and was a blow to my confidence. I have even been taking measures to insure that my writings are only reaching those who actually desire to read what I write like setting up a feed so that my posts only go out to those who subscribe to the feed. I know not everyone has to like or agree with what I write. I guess I just didn't expect that to happen on my own page that I use to help get the word out about my blog.

I started to feel like I must be fooling myself to think my writings matter. I began to feel jealous of others success. The whole comparison of Behind the Scenes and Highlight Reels again.

I began to doubt if my passion for writing was God given or not. I compared it to Guatemala and Foster care. When we started our adoption journey my heart was set on Guatemala. I hated the whole process of Foster Care. It is obvious to me now that God's plan was better than mine, so I wondered is this the way it is with my writing dream?

I will be honest with you, I want to grow in this love affair with communicating with my written words. I want a big blog following and lots of e mail subscribers. I want to publish articles and yes even one day I want to publish books. But is this like Guatemala, and does God have a completely different idea in mind? I don't know truthfully. I'm afraid to miss God. To look foolish and fail.

So I put my heart, fears and desires before my God this morning and this is what I feel he gave me. I am part of an online writing group...well by part I mean I get the groups e mails. This morning one of the participants wrote a message about how when Jesus walked the earth and when he healed the the ten leapers that 9 out of the 10 returned to their lives and never said thank you. He said how it can be that way with writing, that you can affect people and maybe only 10% will ever express how you have.

He encouraged writers to think about the times when people do express their gratitude for our efforts. Then to visualize a multitude who would agree but never said so. So I began to think about all the words of encouragement that have come my way because of something I have written. There is a handful of faithful encouragers that lift me up on a regular basis with just about each post I write. So to those of you who take the time to express what my writings have done for you I say thank you.

I don't know if this dream of mine will ever get off the ground. It may never be any more than it is right now. But just like Guatemala I will trust that God has my best interest at the center of His plan for my life.

Once again thank you for the thank you's and thank you Jesus for making me a writer...do with it as you desire and may my desires line up with your plan.

Agape

2012-01-10T11:45:00.000-05:00

Dear Ones:

This post should be a doozy. I'm not even really thrilled about writing it. I've been in a little bit of a slump lately. It's always hard for me coming off of a school break to get back into the routine. I've also had some conviction in my heart this morning too, and that is always chancy to share.

I woke up mopey this morning. Eric and I have had some tension in our relationship lately. I thought I had been doing pretty good about letting things go but I got smacked between the eyes this morning that I really hadn't been doing so well as I thought. Seeking some encouragement during my devotion time this morning I picked up my new Proverbs 31 magazine. There was an article in there about "What Speaks Love to your Husband?" Instantly I cringed. All I could think about was well, I certainly haven't felt too loved lately. Pretty lovely huh? I didn't want to read the article. I wanted to read something to be on my side. I wanted to read something to make me feel better. I knew God was nudging me to read what was before me... begrudgingly I did.

I really didn't feel better. In fact I felt worse. It became apparent to me that I have been camping in the land of "focusing on what my husband hasn't been doing to meet my needs than on what can I be doing to meet his."OUCH OUCH and more OUCH!

I want so badly for my husband to love me with an agape love. You know like God's unconditional love. Where I am forgiven when I sin and given grace when I mess up over and over. Where I am loved and it's not based on fickle emotions.

Our church had a marriage conference a few months back and this was the main area that spoke to me as we attended. Agape love is not emotion based. You don't even have to like someone to love them with agape love. We learned at the conference that the devil is the "hurt whisperer" where every time your spouse fails you he whispers thoughts to you, accusing your spouse. Just like he accuses us before the father. God loves us with that agape love and even though the enemy may have an abundance of material to accuse us with. The Father doesn't listen. He believes the best about us and He will not change His mind.

I've failed miserably. I've been a fool and listened to the accusations and whispers. I want to shut the enemy up. I want to ask my husband to forgive me. I want to ask the Father to forgive me. And I want to ask for Him to keep the conviction coming so I won't stay in that miserable camp.

Make a point to love your spouse today as God loves you...

Bare Piggies

2012-01-06T00:01:00.000-05:00

Dear Ones:

It is late as I start this post, but I know I won't be able to sleep a wink until I get it out. I have titled it bare piggies for a couple reasons. The obvious one being after the blogs namesake. The obscure reason being I just had my socks completely blessed off, and I need to bare my heart.

For the past three days I have been fiddling with my blog. The motive for this was I wanted to get a professional blog makeover, but as I shopped around, I quickly realized it was not a financial possibility. So I thought to myself that I would just do with it what I could. The professional makeover would have to be shelved for now.

So I fiddled and fiddled and did the best I could. When I finished I even thought ok not to bad for a complete blog design novice (to put it nicely.) I mean I was not in love with the results by any means but I had done my best.

I then posted my new look on my facebook page to get some feedback. I have to say people were kind considering.

In steps Crystal from Little Bit Funky

Crystal is my friend, and she offered to redo my header, which was the area I most was unsatisfied with. If you don't know Crystal, she is a creative virtuoso. She makes Martha Stewart look like someone from a pre-school art class. So believe me I jumped at the chance for her to work her magic on my header.

Well, Crystal spent over three hours in my HTML mess and not only made the cutest blog header ever but also redid the whole blog. When I saw it my mouth literally gaped. My eyes welled up. And my heart filled up. It was perfect. It was me in HTML.

So this post is in Crystal's honor for all she put into honoring me. I thank you earnestly.

I love you Crystal...Get home soon.

God Didn't Waste Any Time

2012-01-02T10:32:00.001-05:00

Good Morning Dear Ones:

I'm already meeting one of my MORE desires this morning with writing another blog post so soon. Somehow I think this one connects all my more longings.

God did not waste any time nudging my heart. Actually He has been gently nudging it for some time now, and an e mail I received from a dear friend this morning just confirmed it. Now it is up to me to respond. Will I shy away again or will I obey.

My friend shared a story about a fathers prayer for his child. How God did the miraculous in his child's life.

I know God was using my friend to speak to me. He has been telling me for some time now to petition Him more for my girls. I am ashamed to admit it but there are some things I have been scared to death to place my hope in Him for. I have stopped reading books about FAS and stopped participating in FAS groups online. I have stopped attending adoption support group. Each time I did any of those things something inside me died a little bit more. Honestly right now I don't know what the balance is between faith and reality. What am I to accept, and what I am to press into God for and believe Him for the miraculous?

I'm scared to hope for something, to place my hopes before the father and to miss him somehow, and for it to not to be His plan at all. To be brutally honest and exposed here, i'm scared to hope for God to do something BIG and to be disappointed, let down, and have my hopes crushed.

I guess my feelings are irrelevant. God is nudging me for a reason. So today I am asking Him for forgiveness. I repent that it has taken me so long to say yes to what he is asking me to do. Today I am accountable before God and all of you as I commit to petition my God for MORE in my girls lives. I am going to risk hope, even if what I hope for is unlike what God has in mind. Besides whatever he has in store I am sure is above and beyond what I could even ask or imagine. If He is telling me to ask then I am going to ask. God give me courage to pray until. Until you answer with your perfect and wonderful plan. Thank you for letting me be a part of it Father God. Thank you for more.

2012-01-01T10:21:00.000-05:00

Happy New Year Dear Ones:

This post was inspired by Kelly from Ordinary Days. She is a wife, mother by birth and adoption, and also has children with special needs. I read her post this morning and it got me thinking. What word would I want to have for 2012.

As I pondered about my hearts desires the word more just kept coming. I desire more in 2012.

More:

Jesus

I am most at peace when I am most with Jesus. Life bombards you with stress from many directions so in this new year I want more of my Jesus and more peace.

Times of worship

My God is good all the time regardless of circumstances. I want to focus more on that and spend more time giving him the worship He is worthy of.

Bible study

I find when I saturate my brain with truth my perspective and everything else about life is improved. So I want more of the word in my life.

Of my family

Having a large family requires a lot of energy. Sometimes you can get so caught up in what you have to do that you can lose sight of who you are doing it with. I want to pause in the midst of life's activities and be active about enjoying who I am with. I want more of my family.

Laughter

Laughter really is good medicine. It is one of the things I enjoy most with my husband and family. I am asking the Lord to give us more laughter this year.

Life is so full of what you have to do. I want to purpose to mix it up with more what you want to do when possible. Take a break. Spend time with friends. Read more books. Recharge. Decorate. Go on more dates.

Fitness and Health

I plan to continue exercising and get better at what I eat. Im not going to lie, food is a big part of fun, so I hope to find a good balance in it all.

Writing writing and more writing

When I write it is like what Eric Liddle said about running. I feel God's pleasure! I most certainly crave more of that in my life.

Photography

I LOVE photography. I love how a photo can say I love you without a single word. The business of life has crowded it out lately and I hope to find a spot for more of it this year.

Kindness and others

Sometimes I can get so caught up with our family and the needs we have that I don't see the needs of others. Jesus help me to see that and obediently respond to it more this year.

Thankfulness

Difficulties can literally drain your gratitude. May I have the mind of Christ this year, renewed by His word, to walk in truth and gratitude.

Progress

Finally, I want to see progress with my girls. FAS is a mighty foe that brings numerous challenges and difficulties. With my God I want to be an even mightier warrior. I don't even really know exactly what that is supposed to look like as we fight for our girls. May God minister to us and them as we do exactly what we should for them. May we have wisdom to know what to strive for and what to let go of. May he fill our parenting toolbox with what works. And ultimately may Big Sisters adoption progress and finish this year to be forever ours. We know she is already His.

So this is the list that I can ask and think of. "Now to Him who is able to do IMMEASURABLY MORE than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us." Ephesians 3:20

Amen to that!

16 years ago...

2011-12-27T11:07:00.000-05:00

Dear Ones:

Sixteen years ago today Eric and I were given the gift of Elijah. On that day my dream of motherhood came true and it was above and beyond what I could have ever asked or imagined. From day one Elijah has simply been a delight. I love having a front row seat to the amazing adventure of watching God's plan unfold in his life. Our family is blessed beyond measure because Elijah is a part of it. So I praise God today that he chose me to be his mother.

Happy Birthday Elijah you are so worth celebrating!!!!!

Elijah and his brother Noah just left last night. The two of them are on their way to Nicaragua to serve God and others. They spent months since they got back from Mexico this past summer working their way to get to Nicaragua. They took every job they could and worked really hard. Through all their hard work and some loving donations, once again God provided everything they needed.

I have mixed emotions as a Mama sending them off. It is hard letting your babies out of your grasp isn't it? The truth is though they are just on loan to me. They are His. They know their heavenly father and serve him with willing hearts. Even when it is not easy. I know they will come back closer to Him and richer spiritually, with their world view broadened because of it. So even though I miss them so much my heart could bust. I rejoice in who they are and who they will become because they follow hard after Jesus. What more could a mother want really?

Fog

2011-12-13T11:12:00.001-05:00

Dear Ones:

This will probably be the most vulnerable post I have ever written. Recently I have been hit by a major faith wound. A wave of weariness has almost drowned me. I have felt so beaten that all that I am sure was visible was my white flag of surrender to the enemy.

I was hit so hard that I decided that is it. I am DONE! I will not fight anymore. I refused to pray. Yep I did. I know that probably sounds absurd but I did not want to hear forgive again. I didn't want to feel like the only one fighting so I made my mind up. I told God I was DONE!

Certainly not my finest hours over the past week. I have been in a major slump. So bad I could not even cry and for me that is BAD!

I finally read a devotional. I don't know what made me do it. Maybe someone was praying for me because I certainly was not praying for myself. The devotional came from Max Lucaodo's book Facing Your Giants. Which made me go back and read the chapter the segment came from. Here are some quotes:

"Slumps: are the petri dish for bad decisions, the incubator for wrong turns, the assembly line for regretful moves. How we handle our tough times stays with us for a long time."

That stopped me in my tracks because I had a whole slew of bad thoughts and decisions on my mind.

I know I need to stop "talking to myself and start talking to Christ again. I'll be honest it is a struggle. I am so hurt right now.

I am glad though that "God who is never downcast, never tires of my down days"

Here is the rest of the devotion that is too good not to share:

"Don't make the mistake of Florence Chadwick. In 1952 she attempted to swim the chilly ocean waters between Catalina Island and the California shore. She swam through foggy weather and choppy seas for fifteen hours. Her muscles began to cramp, and her resolve weakened. She begged to be taken out of the water, but her mother riding in a boat alongside, urged her to not give up. She kept trying but grew exhausted and stopped swimming. Aides lifted her out of the water and into theboat. They paddled a few more minutes, the mist broke, and she discovered the shore was less than a half mile away."All I could see was the fog." She explained at a news conference. "I think if I could have seen the shore I would have made it."

"Take a long look at the shore that awaits you. Don't be fooled by the fog of your slump. The finish may be only a few strokes away. God may be at this moment, lifting his hand to signal Gabriel to grab the trumpet. Angels may be assembling, saints gathering, demons trembling. Stay at it! Stay in the water. Stay in the race. Stay in the fight. Give grace, one more time. Be generous, one more time. Teach one more class, encourage one more soul. swim one more stroke.

So I'm going to pray again. I ask that you please pray for me because I feel like I have more struggle than strength. I have desperately wanted to quit. Please pray that I will see the shore...

Finding the Piece that has Brought Peace

2011-12-06T19:24:00.001-05:00

Dear Ones:

I have been on a lifelong journey. A seeking journey. Recently, I have finally been catching a glimpse of what my heart has desperately sought over the years. It has made me extra weepy in the emotions department if you can believe that is even possible.

I'll do my best to explain. I've shared recently about my new dream of writing. As I have spent time in prayer and reflection I am simply overcome. I feel like this new dream really isn't new at all. The love affair with writing has been there all along. The encouragement in that direction has also been there. The problem was it was always laced with fear, doubt, insecurity and unbelief.

I can remember reading books on self discovery and there would be questions like "What are you good at?" I also remember my blood just boiling at that point because I always felt at a loss when it came to having an answer. I would always compare myself to others and end up feeling worthless.

My eyes have been opening up over the past few months. I have had some really supportive feedback and encouragement when it comes to things I have written. More than that I have realized how much I just enjoy the process. How I love to get my thoughts rolling and hope my fingers can keep up as I put the thoughts into words.

Lately, it's been like searching for a missing piece of a puzzle and then finding it and seeing the pieces all come together. For soooo long I have been trying to cram the wrong puzzle piece into the empty spot. Desperate to feel like a void has been filled. All the cramming just left me frustrated and beaten.

It has FINALLY become very evident to me that I am not a consultant. I am not a sales person. I am not a coach. Trying these things has been like fitting a square peg in a round hole. It never fit. I am a writer. It is part of the me I am meant to be. It always has been. God in his wonderful patience and love has helped me to acknowledge it. This realization has brought me such joy, excitement, passion and peace. Peace that passes all understanding.

Here is an excerpt from a devotional by one of my all time favorite Authors Max Lucado:

"As a young man I felt the call to preach, unsure if I was correct in my reading of God's will for me, I sought the counsel of a minister I admired. His counsel still rings true."Don't preach he said, unless you have to."As I pondered His words I found my answer."I have to." If I don't the fire will consume me."

If I don't write, the fire will consume me. I simply have to!

Will I ever have more than 51 followers of this blog? Will I ever have published work? Will I ever be a bona fide author? Those are questions that I can't answer. But won't it be cool to find out? Even if the answer is no to each question I am still a writer and I have sweet peace.

Character ~~ Elijah

2011-11-30T10:43:00.001-05:00

Dear Ones:

I just have to share with you today about something that just delighted this mother's heart.

It is about my eldest son Elijah.

I really can't say enough good about this boy. Something specific about him came to mind this morning as I was getting my makeup on. This special MOMent came to me because he is actually home today because of a plumbing issue at school.

As I was getting ready I could hear him loading the dishwasher. This is his week. I thought to myself, how nice I didn't have to remind him to do that. Then I heard his still feverish little sister Mercy calling to him from the living room. She had a book in her hand and she wanted him to read it to her. He sweetly sat down with her and so lovingly read to her. He helped her put her hood on her head because, well, she likes hats and asked for help and he so sweetly obliged. He then went back to his morning chore. I thought I have to praise this kid. He is showing good character.

I have heard character defined once as being "who you are when no one else is looking."

He was completely unaware of what I overheard. As I went to praise him and before I could even get a single word out of my mouth, he began to tell me about his book time with Mercy. That is when my eyes just welled up. He then came over to me to hug me and then I got to tell him. I got to share what I had heard, unbeknownst to him. Also, how there is nothing more glorious to a parent then to see their child know and serve the Lord genuinely, and how proud I was of his good character.

I'm just so thankful I get to be his Mama. He truly is an amazing gift to this whole family and I am sure to everyone who really knows him.

God's Favor

2011-11-29T11:41:00.001-05:00

Dear Ones:

I am not sure about the coherency of this post. So in advance forgive me. I am literally weeping right now. You know how it is when God just floods your dry soul.

I don't think I will ever cease to be amazed at how God is so faithful and how incredible He is. I am so thankful that He shows up.

I guess I will start with yesterday. Big time parenting fail. Which spiraled into just being down in the dumps. You know how Paul said "I do not understand what I do, for what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do." Romans 7:15

Well, that perfectly describes my day yesterday. I was tired, drained, impatient, short, mean, jealous, weary... you name it. I'm sorry if some of my emotions are repetitive, I don't intend to annoy or bore you. I just want to be authentic in my struggles and victories on this journey of faith.

All for His glory! All for His glory!

I spent last night in prayer and devotion but still went to bed in a bad spot. I even texted another Mom with a special needs child to lift me up in prayer because there is just something about someone who understands the difficulties standing in the gap for you. Still I was left wanting.

This morning again I went to another online sermon by Steven Furtik. It was on God's favor. It was particularly timely...I just love how God does that.

One of the things I put in my journal last night to God was "why did you choose us for this?" Why FAS? Some hurtful words from a family member came back to haunt me? "That our family was foolish to do this." I began to wonder. Were we?

Then I listened to TRUTH! His word! It really does set you free Dear Ones! We need to feast on it all the time!

Some of the things from the message I am just going to have to share from my notes. Just amazing!

"When you understand God's favor it gives you a new way to see how God see's you. When you understand God's disposition towards you it changes your disposition towards EVERYTHING you face in your life. God gives you a new outlook."

He brought up how when life gets hard we doubt. Then he shared how "God's favor shows up when God is doing something through you that only He can take credit for. It is all for your good and for His glory."

Here was his definition of favor:

The guarantee of His presence and the provision of His power to accomplish His special purpose in and through our lives." "With His favor we have the divine ability to seize opportunity and overcome opposition because JESUS IS FIGHTING FOR US." "God is with me and for me."

"Favor with God is not favors from God"

"Favor isn't fair and you don't want it to be."

"Favor shows the world who God is through your life."

"The devil doesn't stand a chance against a child of God."

Here is where I broke. When the weeping started:

"Having God's favor in your life doesn't mean your life will get easier, it almost certainly means it will get harder, because how will He show His power over your circumstances if He didn't put you in a battle, so He can fight for you and show how strong He is? Favor is NOT for your convenience, but for His purpose to be accomplished in and through your life."

Some examples:

Noah building and Ark when there had never been a drop of rain.

Abraham having to leave everything to obey God

Mary becoming pregnant and having to convince everyone she was pure and it was God's child.

Jesus found favor and it led Him to the cross!!!!

WOW!!!! Talk about being highly favored yet still facing difficulties.

It just brought me such peace. Difficult does not mean I don't have His favor. It doesn't mean I was foolish. Because I wasn't, I was obedient.

"God's heart is towards me and His hand is on me no matter what I am facing in life."

I am asking Him to help me change how I see everything. For my eyes to be opened to His favor in my life. For the strength to walk in obedience. For His purpose to be accomplished." For forgiveness when I doubt and fail. For rest when I need it. To be able to be still and know He is God.

So with that my tears have stopped. My heart is calm and peaceful. I am so thankful His mercies are new every morning.

Behind the Scenes and Highlight Reels

2011-11-18T17:41:00.001-05:00

Dear Ones:

We all battle insecurity at one time or another in our lives. So this post isn't anything new. I am sure it is pretty common. But I heard something today that was fresh to me and I wanted to share it.

My day started with just a flood of insecurity. After my post yesterday I actually shared with a friend of mine about what I have had stirring inside of me. My new dream. Only my husband and 2 other friends had any awareness of whats been going on in my brain.

I think saying it out loud makes it more real. Puts you in a place of vulnerability. So what I am about to share is really going to up the ante.

For sometime now I have had people tell me I should write a book. Each time I immediately shied away from any such notion. I mean, I can think of a million reasons why not to. Who am I? I have no education. I can't spell. I stink at grammar. Yadda yadda yadda....

So basically it was a dream that is just too big. Too beyond me and my abilities. I mean failing at being a consultant for whatever company you want to insert in the blank (I could insert several) is one thing, because you represent something besides yourself.

But writing... sharing your thoughts and your heart... well, that is a completely different realm of risk.

All I can say it it keeps nagging at me. It literally calls me. Now, finding out whether or not this is part of my calling is the question.

I do love to write, be it "correct" or not. Expressing my self through words simply elates me. There are times that I SIMPLY MUST get to the keyboard and get to my blog.

BUT...

Then the insecurities creep in. I can think of so many more qualified.

I felt so bad this morning that I listened to an online sermon on insecurity by Pastor Steven Furtik. I love that guy. His messages always speak to me. He had an illustration today that was an enormous comfort to me. He was saying how we tend to compare ourselves when we feel insecure. (Ahem....totally guilty on my part.) The flaw with that though is we see all our stuff. All we struggle with. "The behind the scenes stuff." But when we look at others we see their "Highlight Reel." I tell you it was so profound to me. We all have our stuff. We all are in desperate need for God to do His work in and through us for His glory. I also thought it was pretty cool too how personal that makes our God. We each have our own story that really is HIStory.

So what does this all mean. I'm not exactly sure honestly. I don't know when or how, but I'm still dreaming. We will just see where this all goes. Hopefully a Highlight reel.

Simple Blessings

2011-11-17T10:16:00.001-05:00

Good Morning Dear Ones:

I just spent some time reflecting and worshiping. I was thinking about the simple blessings in my life. Sometimes as a stay at home Mom life can become very mundane but my God is so magnificent even in the mundane.

My Mercy each and every single day tells me she wants to snuggle. She is completely irresistible I tell you too. So not only do I enjoy the bonding time with my daughter but I enjoy this sweet quiet time with my heavenly father. The three of us go and sit in our brown rocker and Mercy snuggles into me and she is completely still. I promise you there is no other time she is ever still but during this time.

I use this time to reflect. I sing worship songs over her. I pray for her. I cry. I pray for my day, my family and my realm of influence.

This morning as we snuggled. I was just thankful. Thankful for my husband and best friend. He is a treasure. Without him my life would be so empty. He loves me. Me without makeup. Me with PMS. Me with insecurities. Me with hopes and dreams. And he supports me in it all. Then my boys. With my older two, teenage years have been such a joy. They bring my heart so much joy. I am thankful that we communicate. That we have intimate conversations. That I get to sit on the sidelines of them growing up in Jesus. I love and like them so very very much. Then the middle two. I am thankful they they have such tender hearts. That Canaan goes on a date with his Daddy and of his on volition brings Mom home beautiful flowers and you can just see him bursting with joy to give them to me. I am thankful for Zion also growing up and the sweet Big Brother he is to his little sisters. He obviously loves them and they light up like a Christmas tree when he comes around.

I am thankful for my God giving me new dreams and passions in my life. Even if I am too scared to share them with all of you just yet. I used to fear what will I do after babies. And My God has begun to stir things in my heart that completely scare me but at the same time are completely compelling . It totally humbles and excites me.

So thankful for my simple blessings.

Let us not Become Weary....

2011-11-03T10:43:00.000-04:00

Good Morning Dear Ones:

Can I just start this post by saying how much I love my Jesus? His amazing love for me never ceases, and never fails.

Have you ever just been hit between the eyes when he speaks to you. I have to say I have. Last night was another one of those times for me.

I had gone to Bible study after a day I had spent wrestling weariness. And there He got me. One verse and I was nailed.

"Let us not become weary in doing good for at the proper time WE WILL reap a harvest. IF we do not give up. Galatians 6:9

The moment those words of truth were spoken I inwardly crumbled. As always I am going to be completely vulnerable here as I share. Raising two little girls with a permanent brain injury I sometimes feel like I am just spinning my wheels in the mud. Tons of therapy appointments, doctor appointments, and never ending parental consistency that rarely ever seems to pay off. I desperately look for books, something...anything... that will offer hope and I tell you every single book on FAS that I pick up I want to throw across the room, rip it to shreds, or burn the thing. Seriously. Why? Because even when they say they are about hope. They really don't offer it. So as a result fear creeps in. I see what is written and I see my circumstances and challenges and my faith weakens and I become weary. I become scared to believe God because in reality I am scared to be disappointed. That this is as good as it gets for them or even worse.

I think about the boys. I think about how they bring Eric and I so much satisfaction in who they are. Who they are becoming. They are just such incredible kids. We are encouraged all the time by people who have such wonderful things to say about them. One pastor recently said from the pulpit how much he loved our boys and I was instantly proud and instantly attacked. I wondered will people say things like that about our girls? Will they enjoy and love them just as much? I don't even know why that is such a concern for me. Maybe it is pride because my boys reflect well on me.

All I know right now is My God spoke and as always the truth of His word really brought me some freedom. You see, I fear there won't be a harvest with the girls sometimes. But His word says I will reap a harvest. I just need to not give up. The harvest may not be like exactly what I may expect it to look like. It may be turnips instead of corn. But what matters is there will be a harvest. God is in control. His plan is beautiful and perfect. I get to be a part of it. He chose me. Me to be their Mama. He must have a belief in me a confidence in me, a plan for me in all of this that is good and powerful and beautiful.

My girls and their needs are challenging and they cause discomfort, but what really matters is we love them. God loves them more than we do. I really think it is time to start believing again. Realizing that God gets to decide the miracles he performs and I have the privilege to be a part of it.

For now, I am changing my reading material. There is one book that always has HOPE!

On a side note from yesterdays post. A friend of mine that also has adopted 2 special needs girls found a crib tent for me yesterday and is shipping it to me today. Plus some door alarms. She gets it and she lovingly acted on it. How great is my God?

Living Loved,

Just One FAS Issue

2011-11-02T07:43:00.002-04:00

Dear Ones:

Just wondered if you would pray for us today. One of the things we deal with with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome is sleep issues with Big Sister. She used to not go to sleep. But a dose of Melatonin has been a God send to get her to sleep but she NEVER stays asleep. Sometimes, being awake for hours at night. All we can do is pray and do our best to keep her in bed. She sleeps in a sleep sack but it failed us last night. Elijah was awakened last night and found her out of her crib and lights were on all over the house. So I am scrambling today for a solution. First trying to find one of these for her crib but so far no one has one in stock.

I recently ordered these special needs tents for both girls but it is on back order and no idea when they will be here.

I have also talked to someone about building two of these for us maybe someday because the cost to purchase just one is astronomical.

Please be praying for us about this. That God will supply what we need and give us wisdom where we are lacking it. The older the girls get the more what their developmental specialist has said rings true. "It will be a huge challenge to just keep these girls safe."

Celebrations and Hope

2011-10-13T11:49:00.000-04:00

Dear Ones:

So last Sunday as I woke up my first thought was "it's here, this day is FINALLY here. We get to CELEBRATE the mountain my God has moved. We get to celebrate that Mercy is forever ours." So I turned to my husband still next to me in bed with teary, joyful eyes and said those exact words to him. along with, "can you believe it is really here???"

The day was beautiful. It started with church and her dedication because, yes she is finally, legally, forever ours but she has always been HIS!

I could not imagine a better way to start celebrating than by dedicating her to Him. I had imagined that moment so often as we waited. I even thought to myself if given the chance to speak about what would I say. When the time came I simply crumbled. All I could get out was a tearful thank you to my heavenly father. She is such a gift. A marvelous, wonderful darling gift. I love how our Pastor called up those who have been with us on the journey to stand with us as we gave her to the Lord. I simply don't know how we would have made it without them and their support and prayers. It was so fitting for them to join us.

The party was just a delight. We shared a fantastic meal together. We watched a DVD slideshow I made about Mercy and the journey. Then we WORSHIPED!!!! We had a full worship team that led us as we just poured out our hearts in gratitude to the Mountain mover and lover of our souls! It was AWESOME!

The turnout was just so fantastic. We felt so supported and loved. A beautiful day to hold in my heart as we wait for Big Sister to forever join us. I hope you enjoy the pics I am able to share at this time. I wish I had captured more from the day especially of those who joined us but I was literally consumed and soaking in every single delightful moment. Hopefully I will do better about that next time. I should have asked someone to help out with that.

Finally, I wanted to share some hope. Raising two girls with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome certainly calls for regular doses of it. I really can't describe how difficult it can be raising someone who has no cause and effect in their thinking, feeding and sensory difficulties, impulsiveness, sleep disorders, ADHD, speech and cognitive delays, lack of appropriate social behavior, demanding of parents time, acting out, delayed potty training, difficulty learning in school. Just to mention some of what we experience on a daily basis. FAS has no cure. It is permanent brain damage with lifelong challenges. It is so completely different then how I have ever parented. We spend most of our time being preventive instead of corrective. So I seek out help as we are dealing with new and challenging territory. Sometimes it can be so incredibly discouraging. Every book I have read....or article for that matter brings very little or no hope. So I have been looking up. Looking to the source of my hope. He has made me the mother of these two girls who are innocent victims in all of this. So what he has called me to do, I trust he will equip me to do. At bible study last night my God spoke to me. Oh how I needed to hear from him. You see I can feel so alone in the hard struggles of FAS. My girls look completely normal and I don't think many people even come close to getting it. I know I never did until I started living it. You can feel like you are in the desert desperate for an oasis...hope. Wouldn't you know last night at Bible study the topic included the desert. The place where you want out of so bad but God's activity and plan is often discovered and your life course is revealed a bit more. We heard about Moses. He saw the burning bush and found a new life course in the desert. And the desert equipped him with dedication, direction and destination. How encouraged I was. I am learning dedication more than ever in my life. I am dedicated to help my girls be who God created them to be, in every single aspect of their lives from feeding, to speech, to learning....everything. I am trusting that He will guide me when I have no clue what to do. When I feel like I have no tools in the box. Because they have a destination. They are HIS. So my eyes are open. I am looking for those burning bushes, those supernatural spiritual markers along the way that can be nothing else but His hand. Who knows maybe someday God will use and redeem every single struggle for His glory... if for nothing else other than I can say I've been there. God is faithful and God is good!

Living Loved!

4 Years, 2 Months, 1 Week and 4 Days

2011-09-22T11:19:00.003-04:00

Dear Ones:

The tittle of todays blog is how long we waited for our dream of Mercy to come to fruition.

I think I am actually still a bit stunned that it has arrived. She has been with us for 2 years and 3 months. Since the moment we first met her she has always felt like she was ours. Through all the sleepless nights, the constant therapy and Dr. appointments, the feeding struggles, the first words, first steps, and all the tears and smiles along the way she has been permanently woven into the fabric of our hearts.

Our love for her is no different then if I had squeezed her out myself. Her delivery though, was by far the most strenuous one we faced. Oh the stretch marks I have on my heart. I would even dare to say that nothing has even come close in comparison to the faith growth each member of our family has walked through on this journey.

When I listened to the message the other night my physical body actually shook. I was astonished and my emotions unravelled... my poor boys ran to the garage to get their dad, still unloading chocolate muffins from the car, because as they witnessed my reaction they thought something had gone terribly wrong. I quickly ran out to the garage to replay the message on speaker phone and I watched each face as they also began to process what they were actually hearing....all the struggles, all the prayers , all the trusting and waiting had all led up to this much anticipated, dreamt about moment.

Elijah put his hands up to his face which was covered in tears. He literally leapt at me with arms wide open and gave me one of the most precious embraces you could ever receive. His heart was joyous, relieved, thankful and full of worship. All of our hearts were at that moment. We were all crying and laughing and hugging. Bonded together through the journey, the battle, and the victory. Honestly to the degree we were stretched you could multiply that by a thousand times and get the degree to which we were blessed.

As my best friend described it...she said "Michelle I am so glad you are not sitting by that window waiting for that dove anymore." Praise God the ark has landed!

I honestly am convinced that there really is no easy road to adoption. Each path requires faith and struggle. Max Lucado talks about adoption and says this:

As adoptive parents you "hunt, set out on a mission, and take responsibility for a child with a spotted past and a dubious future." Just like what Christ has done for us... "He seeks us, finds us...signs the papers and takes us home. We are His!

That is what we have done during this time span...we feverishly sought Mercy...starting in Guatemala. We eventually found her a half an hour away. We joyously signed the papers and now FINALLY she is FOREVER home and she is OURS!

To God be the Glory forever and ever!

Now we continue, as we wait for Big Sister ... our Jubilee Hope's ark to land too!

Mercy Jewel It's Official!!!!!!!!!!

2011-09-20T20:37:00.000-04:00

Dear Ones:

I am overcome with JOY at this moment words can not even describe my emotions right now. We just got home from Elijah's soccer game and noticed a voicemail on the phone. It was from our adoption worker and SHE IS FINALLY FOREVER OURS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

More later when I stop crying some of the happiest tears I ever cried!!!!!!!

Praise the name of JESUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Transforming with Beachbody

2011-09-19T13:12:00.000-04:00

Dear Ones,

I just wanted to share something about myself that I am proud of. I am on a determined path to health and fitness. I have come to a point where there is no turning back. I recently became a Independent Team Beachbody Coach. Mostly, because I reached a point in my life, at almost 40, that it was time to make a change. Signing up as a Coach has given me motivation, tools and accountability to keep pushing. Not to mention a nice discount on my fitness programs and supplements. I am approaching this whole new venture completely different than anything else I have ever been involved with. You see I may never make a single dollar with it, and you know what, I am completely OK with that. Why? Because if I succeed in changing my physical health, then there is absolutely no way I can fail. If anyone ever decides to order products from me or join my team then that is just the icing on the cake. I am feeling better and stronger every single day! I just finished my first month of INSANITY and as the last workout of the month was winding down I really think I could have cried because I DID IT! I am just starting month 2 and so excited to see where it is going to take me in my transformation process. If you would like to check out my websites please feel free to. I am here if you would like to join me :)

Click here for My Coach Website

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