69 Flavors of Paranoia

Edge of Dark Water

2011-10-20T01:14:00.002-07:00

Hey kiddies...

Just thought we'd let you know that Joe R. Lansdale (who wrote the original short story that inspired the movie version of Bubba Ho-Tep, which is the subject of one of our 13 Paranoid Facts in the current Menu) will soon be releasing a tale quite paranoid:

Mulholland Books releases the latest Joe R. Lansdale novel.

EDGE OF DARK WATER

Mark Twain Meets Stephen King with a Lansdale Twist

March 25, 2012-New York, NY- Mulholland Books an imprint of Little, Brown and Company, a division of Hachette Book Group brings you the latest crime novel from cult favorite, award winner Joe R. Lansdale.

Joe R. Lansdale is the author of over twenty novels, the Edgar Award winner THE BOTTOMS, and the ever popular Hap and Leonard series to name a few. He has penned countless short stories, chapbooks, graphic novels, screenplays, animated series work, and comic books. His work spanning western, horror, science fiction, suspense, and mystery has won him numerous awards including the British Fantasy Award, the American Mystery Award, the Grinzane Cavour Prize for Literature, and an impressive eight Bram Stoker Awards to name a few.

Iconic author and pioneer in transcending genre, Joe R. Lansdale blends lost dreams, death, thievery, and a trip down river on a raft with a Southern flair that only he can manage. With a plot that is reminiscent of the classic Mark Twain and Stephen King works combined - Edge of Dark Water is crime fiction at its best.

May Lynn was once a pretty girl who dreamed of becoming a Hollywood star. Now she's dead, her body dredged up from the Sabine River. Sue Ellen, May Lynn's strong-willed teenage friend, sets out to dig up May Lynn's body, burn it to ash, and take those ashes to Hollywood to spread around. If May Lynn can't become a star, then at least her ashes will end up in the land of her dreams. Along with her friends Terry and Jinx and her alcoholic mother, Sue Ellen steals a raft and heads downriver to carry May Lynn's remains to Hollywood.

Only problem is, Sue Ellen has some stolen money that her enemies will do anything to get back. Including avoiding a strange and relentless hired assassin called Skunk. What looks like a prime opportunity to escape from a worthless life will instead lead to disastrous consequences. In the end, Sue Ellen will learn a harsh lesson on just how hard growing up can really be.

"Joe R. Lansdale has a folklorist's eye for telling detail and a front-porch raconteur's sense of pace." (The New York Times Book Review )

"Lansdale has created a landscape of broken dreams, skewed personalities and hope still clinging to the inside of the Pandora's box of problems they all share. . . . He has been called a folklorist, and Leather Maiden makes you want to sit on a porch listening to him spin a yarn that you know doesn't contain a true sentence." (Los Angeles Times)

"One of the greatest yarn spinners of his generation: fearless, earthy, original, manic and dreadfully funny." (Dallas Morning News, on Vanilla Ride )

“A storyteller in the great American tradition of Ambrose Bierce and Mark Twain.” (Boston Globe)

“Joe Lansdale simply must be read.” (Robert Crais)

“One of the greatest yarn-spinners of his generation: fearless, earthy, original, manic, and dreadfully funny.”-Dallas Morning News

A Few Good Tips for Proofreading

2011-09-23T16:06:00.000-07:00

Just ignore the last three words...

Preventing Goof-ups: 10 Proofreading Tips

My Pretty Pony, the Carnivore!

2011-09-19T15:21:00.000-07:00

Remember that sweet scene from The Black Stallion when the horse busts into the room, rearing up and snorting frothing blood from the corners of its mouth as its eyes glared beams of crazy into the frightened faces of the bad guys who fall to those wildly boxing hooves, allowing that black beauty of a horse to dip its head low and rip out the stupid lackey's throat, gulping it down in triumph before sampling the brains, balls and lungbutter of the kingpin? Anyone?

Yeah...guess I don't remember that scene, either...and it's probably not because I haven't seen the movie...

But it could've happened--and not just in the movies! The new book Deadly Equines takes a look at carnivorous horses, found on every continent on the planet, including Antarctica. (Really!)

Here's the rather lengthy, but horrifically interesting summary of an account from the book, taken from the article at horsetalk.co.nz:

The large bay stallion presented a terrifying sight, trotting down the road with the body of a dead child hanging from its jaws.

Journalist William Knighton had been travelling by horse and buggy through the streets of Lucknow, India, wondering why they had been deserted by locals.

The stallion spied Knighton and his companion in the buggy. The horse immediately threw the toddler on the road and set off after his new prey.

Knighton knew what fate had in store, he recounted in his book, "The Private Life of an Eastern King", about his time in the service of Nasir al-Din Haidar, the maharaja who ruled Oudh from 1827 to 1837.

The Englishman described how they had earlier come across the horribly disfigured corpse of a native woman on the road.

"The body was bruised and lacerated in all directions, the scanty drapery torn from the form; the face had been crushed as if by teeth into a shapeless mass," Knighton reported.

The victim's long matted hair, which fell in bundles over the road, was clotted with blood.

They proceeded, finding houses closed. A palpable sense of terror hung over the silenced city.

Further down the road they found a second victim - a youth similarly mangled and destroyed.

The pair then noticed one of the king's troopers atop a nearby house, who warned of the stallion that would become known as the Man-eater of Lucknow.

Suddenly, the soldier shouted, "Look out! He has turned in our direction. Flee for your lives."

Deadly Equines is a fact-filled analysis which reveals how mankind has known about meat-eating horses for at least 4000 years, during which time horses have consumed nearly two dozen different types of protein, including human flesh, and that these episodes have occurred on every continent, including Antarctica.

Knighton and his companion did just that, as the stallion tossed aside the dead child and set off in pursuit.

"I rapidly turned the buggy round, though my horse was almost unmanageable with terror. Then we went flying back down the road at a mad gallop, heading towards an enclosure with iron gates we had passed a short time before.

"As we ran for our lives, we could hear the iron-shod hooves of the man-eater in hot pursuit."

The second they passed through the gates, Knighton's friend sprang from the buggy and slammed the gate shut.

"Just as the fall of the bolt secured our safety, the man-eater dashed up. His head was covered with blood, his jaws steaming with recent slaughter, his cheeks horrid with coagulated guts that had most probably spurted from his victims.

"There he stood, with cocked ears, distended nostrils and glaring eye-balls, looking savagely at us through the iron railings. My poor horse trembled as if shivering with cold at the sight of this ferocious-looking monster."

The stallion was subsequently ambushed and captured, after which the maharaja declared it would fight his prized tiger, Burrhea.

It was a one-sided encounter, the stallion ultimately shattering Burrhea's jaw with a mighty blow from his iron-clad hooves. Though contemporary mythology states that horses are hapless prey animals who flee from predators, the English horse left the tiger so terror-stricken, "his tail was between his legs and he ran round not unlike a whipped spaniel."

The English thoroughbred lived out its days in an iron cage, bearing his teeth to visitors and kicking at the bars of his prison if strangers ventured too close.

Finish it here...

Gordon Ramsay Porn Dwarf Dead in Badger Lair

2011-09-13T01:04:00.000-07:00

This is a true headline, not the name of a groovy-cool new story coming up in the next issue...unless one of you gets on the ball soon...

This is the link to the true headline that is not the name of a groovy-cool new story coming up in the next issue...unless one of you gets on the ball soon...

This is me signing off, before I get sucked into another sentence about this being the link to the true headline that is not the name of a groovy-cool new story coming up in the next issue...unless one of you gets on the ball soon... Shit!

What Everyone Wants for Christmas!

2011-08-26T13:44:00.000-07:00

You Thought We Made You Paranoid

2011-08-24T15:25:00.000-07:00

Just in case you needed one more reason to say no...

If you've read Menu 13, then you know what happens when (and in) Alan Tries His Hand at Cocaine, But it Doesn't Work Out. Seems like that's the case more and more, because--

--according to this link--

--75% of the cocaine seized in the United States of America has the potential to melt your face off. Literally.

Guess the South American cartels ignored their PR departments when they started cutting their product with levamisole, a de-worming agent used by veterinarians nowadays. During use on cancer patients in the 1970s, it was found to decrease sleepy time while bolstering the mood. Get why the cartels are using it?

The reason scientists quit using it, however, is because IT CAN MELT YOUR FACE OFF!!!

What they don't tell you in the brochure your friendly neighborhood drug dealer hands out is that an allergic reaction to the drug causes a victims' flesh to turn purple or black--which might seem pretty cool to all you goth kids out there, sure, but do you hear this?--then begin to wither and die on the spot, which seems to occur as often on the facial extremities as anywhere else. The good news is that you'll save money this Halloween on that Incredible Melting Man outfit. However, the severe scarring it leaves you with is the least of the bad news, as full reconstructive surgery is often necessary. But even that's a walk in the park compared to the possible "fatal reduction [of] blood cells" that "causes the immune system to attack bone marrow instead of the skin."

So kiddies, the moral to this story is...if you're gonna powder your nose, use Maybelline!

Radio Z is Broadcasting for You!

2011-08-17T12:15:00.001-07:00

Our friends at Radio Z in Tennessee sent this our way, so we thought we'd share...

RADIO Z
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Contact:  Angela J. Rose

Phone:    423-220-9050
E-mail:    sweetalker@gmail.com Website: http://undeadmovie.webs.com/

Address: 502 Sandy Bottom Rd. Erwin, TN 37650-3622

RADIO Z: HORROR MOVIE TAKES OVER ERWIN, TN
Joy Everlasting Films accepts Radio Z as their next full-length, feature film

Joy Everlasting Films, a new film company based in the Appalachian region, has accepted Radio Z as their next full-length, feature film.  With the vision of one day hiring people to do full-time movie-making in an area that is often overlooked by Hollywood, Joy Everlasting and director A.J. Rose hold hope for the low-budget film's success.

"I think that Radio Z has a strong chance of gaining 'cult favorite' status" states Rose.

The main hero and creatures of Radio Z contrast the popular Hollywood standard of sex symbols and common metaphors.  By using the unique nature that the creatures have, Rose cultivates a new psychological angle within the horror genre.

"The creatures in this film are called 'creatures' - they're not necessarily zombies."

Erwin, TN was chosen as the location for the film because of its vintage qualities.  Mom-and-pop shops, indolent streets, and wooded landscaping paint the backdrop throughout the film.

"Erwin fit the bill perfectly, and the local response to our presence here was just icing on the cake - the government, law enforcement, businesses, and families have all been fantastic," said Rose.

Although the film will be out on DVD, Rose hopes to release through local theaters in Erwin and the surrounding areas first.  However, finding a theater to accommodate the film is currently proving to be a challenge for Rose since the film is recorded using a high definition, digital medium and not a reel based camera.  The film is aimed for an October 2011 release, plus entry into several film festivals.

For those interested in participating in this film, it is not too late.  There will be several opportunities for extras and production assistants in the near future.  For information on auditions, locations, and motion classes, please visit http://undeadmovie.webs.com/.

Watch your asses in Virginia, girls!

2011-08-11T13:43:00.000-07:00

There's a butt-slasher in Fairfax County, Virginia, and he wants to ass all the ladies a question...

The cops say this butthead may have attacked as many as 9 women since February, using a box cutter or some type of razor to slash his victims' buttocks' while trolling local malls. (Is he just trying to make them bigger assholes, to match his own magnitude?) Fortunately, none of the victims have suffered serious injuries yet.

Any ideas from the peanut gallery on what the media should nickname this dumb ass? How about Jackass The Ripper? The Backside Mangler? The Bum Bum? No, wait--The Ass Assassin! Or should they just go classy, and start calling him O.D., for Obviously Dickless?

Better yet, can we ask a solid from all the trannies in that neck o' the woods to go start draggin' the malls?! Not that we want transgenders in the line of fire, but a guy as obviously fucked-up as the Ass Assassin seems to be pretty bunged-up sexuality, so it just might fuck with his ass, for once! (Plus, my lovable marketing genius Miranda points out, such heroes literally putting their asses on the line would be good press for the LGBT community.)

PS - Sorry about all the bad puns here, folks, but a lowlife deserves low humor... ;)

Fact in Fiction, or Fiction, in Fact?

2011-08-08T12:14:00.000-07:00

This came as a forward in my (Rycke's) email, purporting to be a true story. Well, I think it's more suitable for 69FoP--in other words, fiction--and a quick check with the Manchester Evening News website seems to confirm my suspicions--so here ya go...

"A TAP ON THE SHOULDER"

A true story from the Manchester Evening News:

Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi, heading for Salford station, leaned over to ask the driver a question, and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments, everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking driver said, "Are you okay? I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me."

The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly."

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for 25 years."

69 Flavors in Just 6 Questions

2011-07-11T12:20:00.002-07:00

Hi kiddies. Check out this week's issue of Jim Harrington's Six Questions For...

It features an interview with Executive Chef Rycke Foreman, and reveals the key ingredients to a successful submission at 69FoP. Enjoy!

http://sixquestionsfor.blogspot.com/2011/07/six-questions-for-rycke-foreman.html

Stop n' Watch, Gang!

2011-05-10T12:50:00.000-07:00

Quick--name the most infamous bank robbers you've never heard of.

Those who answered with "The Stopwatch Gang" may go directly to your local bank and collect a cash prize. To redeem, please show all bank employees your special identification gun while yelling the code phrase, "Hands up! This is a robbery!"

Go ahead. We'll wait...

Now that you're back and have most of the blue dye scrubbed off, go to http://www.indiegogo.com/StopwatchGang and give our friends at All of the Above Productions half your share, since they gave you such a groovy idea for rent money in this craptastic economy.

In return, they'll throw the FBI off your trail by producing a wonderful documentary about The Stopwatch Gang. Lead by Paddy Mitchell, "North America's most famous, most successful and, especially, most likeable bank robber of our time," the feds are sure to be watching it over and over again instead of concentrating on your new career.

http://www.indiegogo.com/StopwatchGang

Ooooogggieeee!!!

2011-04-01T00:55:00.001-07:00

Where's Spiderman when you need him?

Oh, wait...

Under the boardwalk...boardwalk...

2011-03-09T22:06:00.000-07:00

Miranda and I bumped into an interesting fellow by the name of Kevin Tostado at the Sedona Film Festival, just a few weeks ago. He was at the fest with his film Under the Boardwalk: The Monopoly Story.

We received a letter from him a few days ago, and thought we would pass it on...

It was very nice to meet you and hang out with you at the Sedona Film Festival, and I wish you the best of luck with "Slash!" Please keep me informed about what's happening with it! I also thank you, Myss Miranda et al, for being a sounding board on my [film] idea.

We hope that you can tell your friends and colleagues about Under the Boardwalk: The MONOPOLY Story! Since leaving the Sedona Film Festival, we've done three TV interviews (FOX 5 San Diego, NBC 7/39 & KUSI), and have articles or reviews in almost all of the major San Diego publications:

San Diego Union-Tribune Front Page Article: http://t.co/nEhw9Nz
San Diego Union-Tribune Review (3 stars out of 4): http://t.co/ntXTmsf
San Diego Reader: http://www.sandiegoreader.com/news/2011/mar/02/movie-review/
San Diego City Beat: http://npaper-wehaa.com/sdcitybeat/2011/03/02/?article=1187614
San Diego Examiner: http://exm.nr/fqFx0k
KPBS Film Junkie: http://www.kpbs.org/news/2011/mar/03/review-under-boardwalk-monopoly-story/

And not only that, we got a review of the film in Variety, one of the kings of Hollywood publications! Additionally, we've been written up on AOL News, done a radio interview with a Dublin show, been talked about on NPR's Marketplace, and received "5 hotels out of 5" from ComicsOnline.com.

But we still need your help!

If you want to support us and our award-winning film, please join about 85 other backers and go to our crowdfunding campaign on Kickstarter. Kickstarter is the most popular crowdfunding website - a place where films, art, music, or other creative projects routinely get backers to provide funding.

We are trying to raise a minimum of $20,580 (the amount of money in a Monopoly set). Statistics show that nine out of ten projects that reach 25% of their goal will go on to reach that goal, and we're still about $300 away, so your help right now is critical to get us to 25%!

With crowdfunding, people can contribute as little as $1 and still help us get closer to our goal. In addition to anything you can contribute, perhaps many of your friends and families would also be willing to contribute at least a few bucks towards seeing the film in theaters?

Please visit the Kickstarter page right now while you're thinking about it. Watch the video on the page if you like, and then contribute! You will be rewarded nicely, depending on the level of your contribution. Then share the page with your friends, family and colleagues via email, Facebook, Twitter, etc. I'd be happy to answer any questions you may have about the Kickstarter drive and this process.

If you've seen the film (or maybe even if you haven't), please go to IMDB.com and rate it. IMDB uses some sort of secret algorithm that alters the ratings, so if you haven't rated other movies already, it may help if you rate a few others first. The reason we're asking you to rate our film is that even though our average rating is currently 9.1 out of 10, because of that funky algorithm, they're giving extra weight to the one person who rated us a 1, so our official rating is only 3.3!

I hope we will cross paths again soon!

Cheers,
Kevin Tostado
-----------------------------------
Producer/Director of Under the Boardwalk: The MONOPOLY Story
Help us get the film into more theaters - Contribute to our Kickstarter campaign!
Audience Award Winner - Anaheim Intl. Film Festival
Official Selection - Austin FF, Sedona IFF, Buffalo Niagara FF
http://www.monopolydocumentary.com/

They're here!

2011-03-06T12:20:00.000-07:00

Where's Steve McQueen when you need him?

It seems the alien invasion has begun. Instead of arriving inside massive warships armed with death beams, acid-veined xenomorphs and puppet masters however, it seems as if they've been hitching rides aboard comets and meteors all along, just like the King of Cool new they would--and that was way back in the 50s!

Fast forward a little more than half a century, and respected NASA astrobiologist Dr. Richard Hoover has reached the same conclusion. According to the article "Fossils of Cyanobacteria in CI1 Carbonaceous Meteorites" in the Journal of Cosmology:

"Dr. Hoover has discovered evidence of microfossils similar to Cyanobacteria, in freshly fractured slices of the interior surfaces of the Alais, Ivuna, and Orgueil CI1 carbonaceous meteorites. Based on Field Emission Scanning Electron Microscopy (FESEM) and other measures, Dr. Hoover has concluded they are indigenous to these meteors and are similar to trichomic cyanobacteria and other trichomic prokaryotes such as filamentous sulfur bacteria. He concludes these fossilized bacteria are not Earthly contaminants but are the fossilized remains of living organisms which lived in the parent bodies of these meteors, e.g. comets, moons, and other astral bodies. The implications are that life is everywhere, and that life on Earth may have come from other planets."

No confirmation yet on rumors of Dr. Hoover's sudden craving to eat braaaiiinnnsssss...

Wow...these guys have 70 flavors!

2011-02-10T18:54:00.001-07:00

"Any writer, I suppose, feels that the world into which he was born is nothing less than a conspiracy against the cultivation of his talent." -- James A. Baldwin

On the other hand:

"America is a vast conspiracy to make you happy." -- John Updike

Conspiracy...or coincidence and misunderstanding? Only one thing is sure--there's many a twisted tale to be spun from this...

http://vigilantcitizen.com/?p=58

Enjoy!

Top 13 Things This Man Might Be Doing

2010-11-23T19:40:00.004-07:00

"WTF?" seems invented for this specific moment in time, captured (and since removed) by Google Maps Street View...

Top ~~Ten~~ 13 Things This Man Might Be Doing:

13. Searching for the dog's missing ass, which disappeared with his clothes.

12. Hiding from the Underpants Gnomes. (Perhaps said gnomes are responsible for the dog's missing ass, swiping it with the dog's underwear?)

11. The first promo shot from Jackass 4.

10. Recently hired as the mafia's official trunk tester.

9. Just trying to get the best view of his newly-placed Yield Sign.

8. It's his party, and he can climb naked into the trunk if he wants to...

7. What else do you do on laundry day?

6. Being devoured by Christine's sportier cousin, Gretchen.

5. What he would do for a Klondike bar.

4. Reason #52 not to accept candy from strangers.

3. With no lawn for his Slip n' Slide, Gunter had to get creative.

2. The good news: he found a place to surf porn without his wife knowing. The bad news: he was surfing porn, not reading the factory recall on trunk latches.

1. Hey--when ya gotta go, ya gotta go!

11 things to do when you’re trapped in a horror movie - Den of Geek

2010-11-18T23:06:00.000-07:00

This is a good one!

11 things to do when you’re trapped in a horror movie - Den of Geek

Dinner Is Served!

2010-10-26T14:48:00.000-07:00

In true 69FoP style, Menu #8 is now served and ready!

Served for your tasting pleasure:

The Voice From the Darkness, Menu #8
REVIEW: Office of the Dead (Movie)
REVIEW: Harbor Moon (Graphic Novel)
13 Paranoid Facts

Dead by Wayne Palesado paired with
A Lil' Something for Halloween by Tom La Rue
Naptime's over kiddies--time to serve up A Lil' Something for Halloween.

Q & A by Brian Rowe
Allow us to direct your attention to another bloody Q&A with a famous filmmaker. Who said cut?!

Appliance Girl by Bryan Lindenberger
Unlike the Appliance Girl, we have many fans. But we hate to see them loose their heads...

The Last Piece of Bacon by Francois Lebrun
is proud to serve up The Last Piece of Bacon. It's just for you, my little piggy...for you and you alone...

The Damnedest Thing ... by Rycke Foreman
Lemme tell ya, it was déjà vu all over again the first time it happened.

Pops Out When Done Baking by Mark Wolf
Just in time for Thanksgiving, Mr. Wolf brings you a tasty treat that Pops Out When Done Baking.

Smoking Habits by Joseph Patterson
At 69FoP, Smoking Habits can be dangerous, but quitting can be more harmful, especially when going cold turkey...

Night of the Living Dead by Brian Typhair paired with:
Slow Melt by Michael S. Collins
Don't feel guilty about Slow Melt skewering the underworld. Though reports were falsified, we have the real scoop.

Invasive Surgery by Justin Bumgarner
We leave you with a little Invasive Surgery. Remember: No pain, no gain.

Forget road rage--just Drive Angry!

2010-10-15T10:57:00.000-07:00

As most of you know, screenwriter and actor Todd Farmer has a small role in Rycke's upcoming horror flick, Slash.

What many of you may not know is that his upcoming movie Drive Angry (co-written with director Patrick Lussier) has a supernatural element. Like the guns, gore, groovy cars, blow-ups and blow-outs weren't enough to make us drool, anyway!

So far, all we knew was: "The story centers on a man (Cage) driven by rage who is chasing the people who killed his daughter and kidnapped her baby. The vendetta/rescue spins out of control as the chase gets bloodier by the mile, leaving bodies strewn along the highway."[http://www.bloody-disgusting.com/news/21035]

(Oh, and there's a character named Fucking Middle Passenger--flanked, of course, by Fucking Driver and Fucking Passenger. Too fucking cool, right?)

Seems a major plot point has been missing from all the early buzz...

Drive Angry comes out on February 11, 2011, which would make one Hell of a National Road Rage Day, huh?

So, kiddies, 'til next time, remember to drive angry...especially on your way to the theater...

Stock up on hardhats

2010-10-05T16:20:00.001-07:00

Sure, they claim these giant airships "could one day carry rural hospitals and disaster-relief centres to remote areas," but I know a Godzilla transporter when I see one...

What's eating you?

2010-09-30T20:11:00.001-07:00

Finally, something we can sink our teeth into!

Instead of a stripper in a cake for a good friend, imagine sending surprise-filled-slime-frosted-goodness to that snotty little brat down the block or your stupid boss.

"Happy birthday dear Chester--" SPLQWAWK!

http://blogs.laweekly.com/squidink/baking/10-grossest-alien-chest-burste/

Just don't forget to arm yourself with some heavy-duty firepower for the subsequent outbreak...

Zombies, zombies everywhere...and not a drop of ink!

2010-08-31T13:02:00.000-07:00

Hey all--

Sorry for the long silence, but the movie's got us busy. Speaking of movies, 69FoP will offer our first movie review next issue with Matthew Chung's Office of the Dead.

Take a gander at the teaser trailer...

...then go give it a like at their Facebook page: http://www.facebook.com/officeofthedead

And did we mention the After Dark Horrorfest will be releasing some promo materials for their new films through lil ol' us? More on that soon...

69 Flavors of Twilight

2010-07-15T12:27:00.000-07:00

I really thought I was doing alright as a parent...

One boy has survived into adulthood, the other a bit flighty and ADD, but already a published author, a paid musician, professional actor (his first job, at 5!) and much more focused than I was at 14. And despite our little girls' love for Hannah Montana and iCarly, they also ask quite regularly, "Daddy, can we watch My Bloody Valentine?"

(Needle scratch off the record--What!?! Really? Yeah, they do--I think it's the 3D. And as a guy in the biz, I generally let them, explaining along the way how it's fake and trying to share some of the behind-the-scenes processes in executing special effects. I've heard horror stories of actors' children seeing their parents die onscreen and having a real problem with it--I've been bloodied up plenty as an actor, including onstage with dDamian when he was 5--so I've always thought honesty was the best policy with the kids, particularly stressing that MOVIES AREN'T REAL! Anyway...)

I actually felt a strange sense of pride when a Bookmans employee came over to shake my hand after our youngest snatched up a copy of A Nightmare on Elm Street and said: "It's Freddy, Daddy! Can we get it?"

Then I sorta felt the opposite when they recently requested to see the Twilight films--that little diamond screeching out of the groove again. Really? Twilight? Sigh...

Please don't be too mad, Lorna....but I did let them watch it this morning, after setting the channel and fleeing the room with my hands clamped over my ears and triple-blindfolded. dDami sought me out just a few moments later quite distressed and in full WTF? mode. With the tender love of a father, I became the Explainer again, reminding him that I never stifled his interests or prevented him from seeing or reading the Harry Potter series, which holds about the same ranking as Twi in my book.

Then we proceeded to mercilessly bash the hell out of the franchise, which was pretty hard, since we didn't know a damned thing about it other than sparkly vamps and that there were werewolves. (Do they sparkle, too?) Oh, and it's a saga...

We did come up with a great cross-franchise sequel, however: 69 Flavors of Twilight. Flaming mummies come of the "tomb" to wage war with (Oh my God her name is) Bella (Swan? Really!?!) and Teams E&J. Then Rick O'Connell jumps in to kick some mummy and other supernatural ass, fumbling, charming and lucking his way to victory before Porky Pig unzips Brendan's skin and stumbles through his famous line as the credits roll, burying two series with all the dignity they deserve and with the added bonus of possibly making a funny Looney Tunes movie.

Any takers?

Disney Might Pick 69FoP Tale for Next Classic!!

2010-06-22T13:43:00.001-07:00

Well, at least we think they might, after reading up on the stories that Disney likes to base its so-called "family entertainment" on...

Remember the time Mowgli recruited Hathi, Bagheera, a pack of wolves and other jungle critters to utterly decimate a village in The Jungle Book? Well, okay, that didn't happen until the 2nd book, so that might not be fair, but...

How about the time The Fox collapsed and died of exhaustion, for which the grateful hunter shoots the Hound in the face? (Paranoid fact: The mass market paperback is fetching $43 on Amazon!)

So listen up Robert Iger, 'cos we've tweaked a few of our stories to be the next Disney Masterpiece:

Young Horton, saddened by the death of his father--see, classic Disney already!--stumbles across The Blajini Next Door, a shapeshifting rat that's just as likely to break out in wacky impersonations and fully-choreographed song as he is to be a moral compass and better-than-that-human-dad-anyway kind of father figure. (Hint: Leave out the part where the Blajini doesn't mind terrorizing and killing nosey neighborhood kids.)

Or, Odel Walt (look, family reference!) is set to close the failing family zoo, but a couple of animal-loving teenagers hop the fence on the last night, and enlist the help of the animals--yes, Disney, you can make the animals talk in your version--to stop old man Walt from Closing Down the Zoo. They then use their funky-fresh youth to spruce up the old dump and make it profitable again! (Hint: Drop current downbeat ending for light-hearted song and dance number about the value of Working Together, then start suing your fellow producers for all of the profits.)

Or Bubba vs. the Werewolf--c'mon, based on the title alone you know it deserves an adaptation! (Hint: Bubba doesn't forget the trunks.)

Looking for something live action instead? Jake finds a passport to international intrigue, charming blind luck and the wonders of deus ex machina with The Little Red Book. (Hint: The Government made a mistake, but by the end, thanks to Jake's suave brushes with blind fortune, they capture the real bad guys, while Jake learns that the Government may not always be right, but they're just there to help, goshdarnit. Oh, and Mom and Dad start taking him to the park and reading the right kind of books to him before bedtime...)

We're waiting for the phone to start ringing, Rob...

[PS to Cracked.com--No Cinderella? Her step sisters lopped of their heels and toes to fit into the coveted shoe...]

Paranoia at the Howling Baby Journal

2010-06-21T20:07:00.000-07:00

Damn...we were just on the verge of hiring Lowell for ourselves....