71 Toes

Friday Q & A -- grades and parenting books

noreply@blogger.com (shawni) — Fri, 25 May 2012 15:57:00 +0000

My question has to do with school - how do you approach grades and reward/punish academic performance? I've been thinking about Tiger Mother and how even though I don't agree with HOW she approached things, I think there is something to be said for holding our kids to a higher standard. I know my kids probably ARE capable of getting all A's - so how do I make sure they hold themselves to that standard too? Or is that the wrong place to focus? My oldest just started first grade, and they have a different grading scale, but basically she got her first report card and it was equivalent to all A's - I want to reward that, but not sure how, other than to tell her I'm proud (which maybe is enough - she was really happy when I told her that).

Oh man, I've obviously been thinking about this a lot with the end of the year and my comments about it back in this post. I think some people misunderstood when I said I want Max to keep his 4.0 to get into good colleges. I know that not getting a 4.0 is certainly not the end of the world. I know that in the real world, there are many other things much more important than that. (Namely being kind and being well-balanced...at least in my book.) I just want my kids to do their best, and yes, I want to hold them up to a higher standard. I'm so ok with kids getting B's if that really is their best. But in some cases, as a mother, you know very well that that "B" was not their best work and I'm so not ok with kids slacking off just because they think that what they are doing is simply "good enough." In our family growing up we had a saying that "good is the enemy of BEST." My Dad sometimes related that to grades. Just doing good isn't enough sometimes. We should always strive to do our best.

Elle came home from school the other day and told me she was worried about one of her classes at school. Then came this, "Mom, really, a 'B' is a decent grade. Why do you care that we get 'A's' so much?" And my response was, "Wait, Seriously?" Because it is like fingernails scraping against a chalkboard when kids tell me that doing "ok" is good enough. Now, she knows very well that I'm ok if she gets a "B" if that's her best. But she also knew very well that she was not doing her best in that particular class.

So she went ahead and put in the extra effort and got an A.

To me, there is so much more to getting an A than just seeing that little triangular letter on your report card. It's not just internalizing some information and regurgitating it for a test and then being "done" with that information. Call me crazy, but I think part of getting an A is learning how to study. How to talk to the teacher (which teaches kids how to talk to adults...SO important) if part of the grade isn't making sense, or if they miss something and need it explained. It teaches responsibility in getting assignments turned in on time. It teaches that doing your best is important.

Of course, there are those stories of kids turning off because their parents put so much pressure on them and they just cannot live up to the expectations. But there is a balance between expecting too much and having high standards.

The key, of course, is getting kids to take ownership of their grades. If the parents are always the ones pushing and the kids are doing it for them rather than them doing it for themselves, that's not doing anyone any good. The trick is figuring out what will make the relationship to good grades and lots of learning click in a child/teen's mind to equal a happy, educated life with so many more options opened up to them. And I personally think every child is completely different in what will help him/her come to that realization. Parents have to be the judge on how long to keep the "training wheels" on.

Dave and I have the same ongoing discussion: do you dangle a carrot in front of your kids and give them all sorts of rewards for getting good grades (and hope that translates into them wanting to do it with no reward in the future), or do you punish them for bad grades (I definitely don't think that's the answer), or do you pat them on the back and say "Wow, you should feel so proud of yourself! So many doors will be opened to you in the future because you are working your brain so well and applying yourself to your studies." (The last one is what happened in my family growing up...the good grade and the feeling of accomplishment was the reward, not money, and really, I think it worked great.)

In our pondering and striving to be deliberate about this Dave and I have asked around like crazy. We have found that some parents pay their kids for grades. Some a LOT, and some a little. Some pay in money, others pay in quality time with parents. Some put money in a fund for college in conjunction with good grades. Others give their kids a pat on the back and tell them they are awesome. And the interesting thing is that there are amazing results and not-so-great results with every single way.

So although we're still figuring it out (what's worked well for us so far is the pat-on-the-back-date-with-parents-very-positive-words-of-affirmation route, but we've tried the cell phone reward too...), the one conclusion we have come to is that each family will have different things that work. And that's ok. What matters is that the kids are learning as much as they possibly can. The rest is just icing on the cake.

Question- somewhere you wrote what books of your parents you would suggest reading first, but I can't find that. Could you send the reference to me?

My all-time favorite is I Didn't Plan to Be a Witch by Linda Eyre (who happens to be my mother). In fact I need to dust that puppy off and read it again. I know I'm biased but it is the best book ever for mothers to put their role in perspective and to take joy in the journey. A Joyful Mother of Children is also up there on the top of my list (also written by my mother). Teaching Your Children Joy sure makes you think too and is linked with "Joy School" which I am incredibly grateful I had the chance to do with each of my children (aside from Lu who I'm still working on). There's a Joy School link on my sidebar if you want more info. on that. Of course, I can't forget to add A Mother's Book of Secrets in here, because my Mom wrote that one too (along with me as her co-author this time), and again, biased, but I think that one sure has some gems in it as well!

I've also read How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk multiple times (not by my parents, but a really good book). It has had a big impact on how I talk to my children, and how I listen to them as well.

end of school give-away

noreply@blogger.com (shawni) — Thu, 24 May 2012 14:43:00 +0000

I have such mixed emotions about the fact that it is the last day of school today.

Part of me rejoices. I reach out greedily for our days to be our own again.

But part of me is in deep mourning. Because the end of school means the end of another year. It means my children are a year older. Their baby-ness is fading quickly.

Maybe that's why I've had a severe regression back to being on the verge of tears with IWAN lately. Maybe that's why I broke down to the ladies in the front office last week in anticipation of my baby going to Kindergarten next year.

I'm ready for summer.

But I'm not ready for another year to slip silently away from me.

As I drive down the street and see the school kids lugging home backpacks full of every ounce of paper from their desks, huge smiles stretched across their faces, I'm so excited for them. But part of me is sad for their mothers. And part of me is sad for me.

Luckily I got through preschool graduation without a tear yesterday (except for the tears while I wrote out the thank you notes to Lucy's teachers before the big shin dig). And luckily I get to do a little give-away to take me away from my wallowing.

And it's perfect for the last day of school because I'm giving away a breathtakingly beautiful book about light and learning. And what a better thing to celebrate on the last day of school than those two things.

This book needs just a little bit of explanation. When my sister was on her mission in Bulgaria years ago she met Eva, a young girl so full of light and excitement for life. Later Eva came to live with our family in the states to go to college here. She has since become a self-made fabulous photographer with an amazing eye for light.

Check out some of her photographs here. She has presented on photography all over the world and exudes love for what she does. She also has photography collection exhibits all over the world. Much more about her here.

This is what she says about her book Lost in Learning: "My intent in this project has been to create a portrait of an age where exploration was life's supreme adventure. Times when men first took a lens and pointed it across the sea in search of new worlds.

"Or turned it Heavenward exploring worlds beyond the stars...turning my own lens on the relics of centuries past I have sought to recapture that spirit of the explorers...creators...scientists who have left us with so lasting a legacy...the photographs invite the viewer to look deeper into the lives and works of these great figures.

Much more about the book here and here.

So, enter a comment for a chance to win this beautiful thing.

I'll announce the winner on Saturday morning.

Happy last-day-of-school to all those who are in celebration/mourning mode here in the desert :)

p.s. Eva's blog is here.

happenings

noreply@blogger.com (shawni) — Wed, 23 May 2012 16:26:00 +0000

A little peek into the drama of girls:

Dave and I have always known we're in for some drama with a house full of girls.

But to be honest, Elle's had very little of it so far. She has very low-drama friends and we're crossing our fingers that will continue. When drama does inch in, she swats it away nonchalantly, like you do to a fly on a hot summer day.

Our other girls? Every so often I get a little peek into teenage life with them. Sometimes it makes me giddy with anticipation. But I have to admit that at other times it gives me hives. Why do certain whole groups of girls seem to have more drama than others? Hmmmm...we're trying to nip things before they get more dramatic around here.

Some examples: My girls are suckers for performing. Each year when the school talent show rolls around there’s a bit of drama going on in our house. It’s never a question of whether or not they should try out, the question is simply what should they do? This year Grace and Claire together decided they wanted to do a dance with a group of friends.

It would have all worked out perfectly except that within one school day Grace was suddenly dancing with a different group she had switched over to and Claire, feeling out of place decided to work her darnedest to teach a new friend the dance so the two of them could do it together.

Then Grace’s new group couldn’t get it together enough for the tryouts and it was too late to go back with the first group. She stood doing the breakfast dishes with crocodile tears running down her cheeks...pure anguish that she wouldn’t be able to perform. (It's moments like this when I wonder if she is really my daughter...crying at not being able to perform? I'd be on cloud nine about that little fact if I were her.)

Five minutes before they left for school Grace realized that Claire had practiced the exact same dance the other friends had ready to go and told her she could absolutely NOT do it. “Besides,” she said, “you don’t have the music ready.” At that point Claire looked at me in horror, her eyes pleading for me to please fix the problem. I had a meeting with our architect and swim lessons for Lucy but I promised I’d get that darn music to the school...she had worked so hard on the dance.

They headed out the door filled with trepidation and tear-stained cheeks but came home triumphant. Grace and her friend were able to teach the other girl the dance they had practiced at recess, and the music I dropped off at the front office had made it’s way to Clarie in time. They had tried out with flying colors and apparently the judges LOVED their performances.

But they didn't make the talent show. (hallelujah! Wait, did I just say that??)

I was proud of them for trying out but also glad for something hard.

Grace also decided to run for Vice President the same week. Elections for next year were in full-swing. She didn't make the final cut. (hallelujah again, sorry, what is wrong with me??) I do LOVE with all my heart that she wants to run for things. It takes guts to put yourself out there like that. But we had a little consolation talk after she lost where I told her I figure since she had such a great year being the Treasurer this year it's great to give someone else a chance to be in the student council next year, right? There aren't very many student council spots available so how great to let others have a turn.

And a little peek into one typical after-school run-around this year:

After school Elle suddenly needs to get to the last season girls’ basketball game to support her friend who is a cheerleader. Her urgency to get to the school happens to be at the same time that I am scurrying to get to Max’s volleyball game, the piano teacher is squeezing in the piano lessons plunking away in the living room, and I happen to glance at my phone to see a text from my friend reminding me about the tennis carpool that has slipped my mind.

I am scrambling.

I run around trying to find Lucy’s shoes, getting Lucy’s “game-bleacher-babysitter”: the iPad charged for the game, and so wanting to hurry so I can actually get there on time for one of Max's last games. Elle can't decide if she wants/needs me to drive her or if she should ride bikes or longboards to the other game at another school. Grace begs to come with me to Max's game and bring a friend and I agree only to find they are nowhere to be found as I race out the door. My freak-out begins as I realize we are late for tennis so I bundle Claire and Lu off in the car to get her there as quickly as I can.

Half way to the tennis court Claire looks at me with eyes as big as saucers (she knows she’s gonna be in trouble). She has realized she forgot her shoes. Yeah, those things you wear on your feet to play tennis? Kind of a necessity? She has plumb forgotten them. We race back home, minutes ticking away, Elle is still sitting in the driveway waiting for her friend who still hasn't shown up, Lucy is crying in the back because she wants Claire's DS. Claire grabs her shoes and we race off again, Lu bawling, Elle shrinking in the distance wondering if her friend will show up and if she should have taken me up on the ride.

We get half way to tennis and Grace calls from home wondering where I am and when we're leaving. She's all sad that I left without her. I'm sad too...I'd love to have her there to support Max but her chance has vanished. I drop Claire off, and try to cajole Lucy into putting on her shoes before we screech into Max's game.

But of course she hasn't done her task when we get there. I try to be patient waiting with her door open in the heat as she lines up all her stuff in the car, puts on her flip flops one by one, and tries to tell me something about how her Ariel doll really is part of our family. We scoot across the crowded parking lot and I slip into the game to find Dave just as Max is sitting back down on the bench. My friends give me the thumbs up tell me how great Max just played. They're thinking that will make me smile but it just makes me sad because I just missed it.

Dang.

Yes, some days there only seem to be "crazy moments" in the day.

But my heart is smiling as I sit here reflecting on the craziness of this year. I am endeared to even those dramatic, crazy moments. (Especially because these ones in particular are in the past, which seems to put a hazy, beautiful glow on them.) I love those moments because they make up the fiber of our family.

And man alive, I love this family.

little things

noreply@blogger.com (shawni) — Tue, 22 May 2012 14:52:00 +0000

Man alive, I need to get all the "little things" that have been going on lately written down before I can even start to get to documenting the end of school hoopla.

Which, by the way, we are smack-dab in the middle of.

And it is killing me.

Anyway, Elle and I have spent a lot of time here:

And because she's so in to Instagram she utilizes my phone to document life quite often.

We are working hard on our green-smoothie concoctions and have tried a bunch of recipes from the comments in this post. (Thank you for those btw.)

I'll have to post our favorites when we get them figured out.

While Dave was in China our friends threw an "old fogy" party for their husbands birthdays complete with a shuffleboard tournament. Almost everyone dressed up and there were some pretty funny get-ups.

These two were the party throwers. Gotta love those outfits.

Some of us were wimpy and didn't dress up. I would have been more festive if Dave was here with me. (I know, lame excuse.)

Before I began my month-long-out-of-town-a-whole-bunch thing my heart started to ache. I knew all the things I was going to experience were going to be good...good for me, our family, etc.

But I knew I was going to miss my kids like the dickens.

I knew I would long for the gift of the "ordinary day" more than ever.

So I soaked up those kids of mine with everything I had. The weekend before I left the little girls and I had a spa night.

That picture really cracks me up of Lu.

We did facials and by the end of the night their little faces were glowing.

(I didn't have the heart to tell them they were glowing before the night even began...how I love to stroke those perfect cheeks of theirs on a regular basis.)

We also did pedicures:

...while we watched The Muppets.

Let's note that Max and Elle are nowhere to be found.

That is because they're teenagers, and are gradually feeling like their friends are much more fun than sitting home with your mother bathing your feet.

The little girls are still smart enough to know when they have a good thing coming :)

We also went and saw Mirror, Mirror for Family Home Evening one night in our pajamas.

Yeah, we really did go to the movie like that. We had so much fun except that the movie was not my favorite.

They gave me this to commemorate my year with American Mothers.

It was very nice except that it set off some alarm trying to get it through security at the airport. Dave and I were dying at the check point because they took forever since the alarm meant it had bomb-making traces on it.

It turned out the machine was faulty and the American Mothers were not trying to make a bomb after all :)

The good news is that we still made our flight and were able to get back home without going to jail.

My sis-in-law (and her cute baby) came to help me check out our new house and give me advice on how to sell the things we won't need with the remodel. I'm overwhelmed with that little project.

One night Max got a hankering for a manly dinner.

Somehow he found this recipe and begged me to go to the grocery store to get the needed ingredients.

As soon as I picked up my jaw off the ground I did just as he asked.

I wasn't going to turn down a chance to have my son make dinner for us. He's awesome at making cookies, just not food with much substance.

Here he is making the sandwich masterpieces:

Let's look at that a little closer:

There we go.

It is unfortunate that I did not get a picture of the finished product, but maybe that's for the best because my mouth would be watering too much. They were pretty much to die for.

Way to go, Max.

I love when they do funny backgrounds for school pictures.

Here's Lucy enjoying a beach:

Grace was there too:

I like that Claire's picture shows off her typical cold sore.

We obviously didn't worry too much about hair that day...

My Mom stayed with us for a day after we got back from London. Oh how I love any time I can get her to be an influence on my kids. I had to take a picture of her wearing her neck pillow because she lost it like three times on our trip which had us laughing to tears by the last time. I just can't believe it actually made it back to the states.

Lucy had the typical pre-school water day at school:

I adore Lu's eyelashes. They are so long and they curl up so perfectly to frame her bright blue eyes.

A babysitter did this to her hair the other day. Is that cute or what?

I may have already posted this, but Max occasionally gives Claire piano lessons when he needs a little extra cash.

One of the cousins got baptized. Claire adores her...can you tell?

Dave and I went to lunch after a house appointment last week. Behind us in line happened to be two people from his mission in Taiwan who don't live here. How small is that world?

Elle had a rough tennis tournament. Luckily her Nana and Papa were there to cheer her on. She's now a member of the USTA and they step it up a notch in those tournaments.

She sure did a great job though. And I reminded her how "good" "hard" is a few times.

I already talked about the end of Claire's soccer season, but I forgot to put in the last game.

The second-to-last game was hot as blazes.

We all thought we'd fry in the sun.

But the last game was freezing.

Claire tried her darnedest to pay attention when she played goalie but she was shaking like a leaf.

We got that remedied by bundling her up in my sweatshirt, but then we ran into the hair problem:

Who was the mother who let her child play soccer like that?

Oh man I love that girl.

...and this team.

Lucy

Lucy got casted for orthotics. Her feet are SO flat.

I sure hope this helps.

...and I hope we can find even wider shoes to accommodate the orthotics...we already have a bunch of trouble with that.

When I was in Utah for the motherhood retreat I got to run have lunch with my friends before the retreat started.

I sure love those girls.

Max wrapped up his volleyball season without me.

This was the last game I was in town for:

Oh, and this is an older one I never posted but I like how it shows how intense his coach was:

Even despite all their cheering from the bench, this second-to-last game was their first loss. They were completely undefeated until these darn private school big-shots came along :) They were SO close to beating them but just couldn't pull it off.

As they left the gym I was so sad...not really because of the loss, but because it was the end of the season. It has been such a fun season and Max has learned and grown more than I can express.

I don't have pictures, but Dave and I went to the Varsity state championship matches (with Max, but not really with him because he wasn't about to sit by us :) They were SUCH great games, but our school lost in a heartbreak in the semi-finals.

My friend had a birthday. We went to dinner.

And we gave her this card I just have to share because it may just cure me from being a non-card-person (I usually like to just give a pretty printed card...not necessarily some fancy thing):

Is that not the best?

Do you want to be a card person now too?

I may have shared this before, but I got to go into Lucy's room and read for Dr. Seuss week.

...and hey, seeing that hat picture can't get old, right?

Max has been scrambling to get his grades up. If he wants any chance to get into BYU (or Stanford, or Harvard, or wherever...) he has to keep a 4.0. We are crossing our fingers.

That is a post in and of itself for later. I've asked everyone around me 'til I'm blue in the face what they do to motivate for good grades. If anyone has great words of wisdom please send it on over.

I am valiantly trying to turn my family into bookworms. I've discovered that if I expect them to be bookworms I better become a little better one myself.
This summer is it. I'm making us all readers if it kills me.

It has been abnormally hot and so we have put the pool to good use.

Lucy has had two different swim lessons going on simultaneously and I am SO happy that she is really getting it.

She is even confident enough to jump off the waterfall.

And I'm confident enough to watch her and not have my heart stop still.

She even dares to take the slide.

Love this one:

Ouch. That's gotta hurt.

American Mothers -- the final chapter

noreply@blogger.com (shawni) — Mon, 21 May 2012 16:19:00 +0000

Two days after I snuggled my family back up again after the motherhood retreat I packed up and left one more time...to Washington D.C. this time for the American Mothers National Convention. (For more about what that is, click here.)

And of course I couldn't resist snapping a bazillion pictures out that airplane window. Seriously, the people next to me in airplanes must think I'm completely bonkers with that little point-and-shoot camera of mine snapping away. Every once in a while I wonder if I will cause trouble with my "electronic" turned on but man alive, when you see carpets of clouds basked in the sun below you you cannot not take a picture of them.

I love flying into Reagan National Airport.

Especially if you're on the side of the plane where you can see this view:

We lived in D.C. for six years before we moved to back west to the desert. (Ok, we really lived in the suburbs, but we called it D.C.)

We loved it there.

That's where I had my first three babies.

That's where we made life-long friends we are endeared to forever.

That's where we hosted guests practically every single weekend and knew that city like the backs of our hands (but still managed to get lost all the time because I'm telling you what, those street signs in D.C. leave some serious things to be desired).

My brother Eli and his wife are living right on Capital Hill and it was so fun to have him pick me up at the airport and hang out together before the board meetings started the next morning (his wife, sadly for me, was out of town that weekend...missed you Julie!).

We went out for Thai food and dissected our growing-up family-life and life in general.

I love when people will eat Thai food with me.

Eli is really good at knowing cool things to see. Before I checked into my hotel he told me the National Geographic offices were right across the street so we walked around the exterior (it was super late) to see all the amazing images they have plastered as gorgeous displays.

We both love photography so it was fun to bask in the beauty of these photos.

We had a great chat and he left me to get some sleep and mingle with all the nice ladies the next few days.

The reason I was at this convention I explained back here. When you become a "national mother" you are automatically part of the national board for a year. I wish I had a picture of our board meeting. But here's one of almost all the ladies that they took later:

It has been such a neat year getting to know these women. I have learned so much from their examples.

From the board meeting we went to meet all the new "Mothers of the Year" and "Young Mothers of the Year" who had arrived by then. The YMOY from California happens to be one of my good friends who used to live right here in my neighborhood.

Talk about a small, small world.

That evening buses took us up for a little tour of the Capital building.

I adore that building.

...and those sweet girls. In the purple above is Tina who was the YMOY from California last year. It was so fun to catch up and hang with her.

That night they had a little "pampering" get-to-know-you party deal where they did back massages, painted fingernails and did hair-dos. These ladies in black experimented with Tina and my hair and this was the result:

I'm always in search of new hairstyle ideas.

The next morning we heard all the Young Mother speeches. It was so nice not to have to give one and just to bask in the goodness of their words.

Some of the Young Mothers.

All such exceptional ladies doing good things.

That night the buses took us to Georgetown. I love that place.

We walked around the bay/wharf area...

...and I somehow talked us into Thai food again :)

Then they took us on an evening tour of the monuments.

Dave's flight came in around then so he took a cab to come meet up with us.

He felt sad he missed all the hoopla last year and was determined to make it at least for part of things this year. It was sooooooo nice to have him with me.

We loved the new Martin Luther King memorial we hadn't seen before.

The next day I did indeed meet Ree (the Pioneer Woman). (I talked about how excited I was to meet her and speak with her back here:)

We quickly became bosom buddies and she invited me to the ranch to ride horses in the sunset.

I'm very kidding about that...that picture is just one I happened to get amidst the other fans crowded around her after her speech (which was very entertaining by the way...she even sang).

Eli came to meet up with Dave while I got to sit at the head table at the following lunch with Alison Sweeney (I made them come in for a picture when we were done).

It was fun to meet her and hear some of her neat stories from her time hosting The Biggest Loser but I did feel kind of bad I had never seen the show.

Then I did my speaking schpeal. I spoke for about 20 minutes on motherhood and wove in some of the beautiful points Liz spoke about back at our motherhood retreat the week before. I showed this video at the end. I think I could have just shown that video and sat down, it is so good.

Eli, Dave and I took a little walk after that.

Eli took this picture below claiming that maybe the presence of a moving truck in front of the White House was a foreshadowing of the events coming in the Fall??

We visited our old stomping grounds (where Dave and I both used to work when we lived in D.C.).

This building right by the White House used to be used for The Points of Light Foundation, a non-profit organization that honored individuals and groups who did outstanding works of volunteer service in their communities.

We both sure learned a bunch at that place.

D.C. was in beautiful bloom.

That night was the Gala dinner where the new Mother of the Year and Young Mother of the Year were announced.

It was a fancy affair.

Luckily I have a friend who has formal stuff. I was at her house at 11:30 the night before I left trying on stuff. Is that nice to have a friend like that or what??

Here we are with the Mother of the Year and her husband. I'm sad I didn't get to spend more time with her this year. She went to the board meeting I missed, and I went to the one she missed.

She is quite a lady.

We both had the opportunity to give a speech before they announced the new national mothers. I was so happy to have Dave up there at the head table with me giving me a little pep talk. I sure love that guy. I talked about how I had stood up there the year before like a deer in the headlights wondering how in the world they could pick a mom for the national young mother of the year who slammed doors and forgot to pick up her kids from extracurricular activities here and there. Then I went into how every mother, in her own way, is the mother of the year for her family. We have so much power as mothers when we are deliberate and take our career seriously. And we have so much joy when we celebrate the wonders that motherhood brings to our lives through the moments.

The new Young Mother of the Year is from Oklahoma and she is a sweetheart. She's the one in purple below (along with other past National Young Mothers including Connell who is the national president of AMI now).

These ladies, (along with one more who I somehow did not capture on my camera), were the ones behind all the planning of this event.

Man alive, they are amazing mothers and organizers.

Before we left the next day we went to church with my brother Eli and hung out with him in his "hood." This is the view from his balcony. I could get used to seeing the capital like that.

...and above is the river-walk close to his house.

Yeah, he lives in a cool place.

I sure like that kid.

We flew out past the Penatgon...see it below on the right?
...and waved goodbye to that beautiful city until we get there again.

We were so excited to get back home...back to another one of my brothers (and his wife and new baby) who happened to be in the desert from NYC and were willing to hang out with our kids while Dave joined me in D.C. Is that nice or what?

More about that later.

I'm so grateful for the American Mothers Inc. and the opportunities they have given me this last year. I have been so humbled over and over and over again to get to be in their midst. And now I'm SO happy someone else has that chance, and I get to be fully submerged back here in the midst of my family. It's been a year I will never forget.

scriptures in China

noreply@blogger.com (shawni) — Sat, 19 May 2012 16:21:00 +0000

When Dave was in China we did a lot of skyping.

That is when digital technology sure comes in handy dandy.

Half way through our trip Dave figured out that he really didn't have to miss the morning routine over here fifteen hours behind him. At 6:30am here it was already 9:30pm there so he came up with the great idea to connect to read scriptures with the kids each morning.

Talk about heart-melter.

inspiring women

noreply@blogger.com (shawni) — Thu, 17 May 2012 20:53:00 +0000

So a day after Dave got back from China (and we had a chance to snuggle him up) I packed up my bags again and went up to Utah to reunite after two years with these lovely, inspiring ladies:

At this gorgeous home up high in the mountains of Park City:

The reason for our gathering? A motherhood retreat.

Years ago when my sister Saren organized her first motherhood retreat we each invited a few friends up to our cabin at Bear Lake. It was incredible. At the end of the retreat Saren encouraged us all to go out and do our own retreats to spread the value and beauty of deliberate motherhood. (More history about that retreat and the one I attended two years ago back here, and more about how Saren continues to do motherhood retreats here.)

Two of those girls took that challenge to heart and have built up the most amazing group of strong women who meet every other year to discuss the dynamics of motherhood.
Darcie (on the left) and Monica (on the right) are the two from that original retreat and they are so organized and well-thought-out about this whole thing they amaze me. For example, they sent out the "save-the-date" thing over a year ago. When I plan things the invite is usually a phone call a couple hours before :). These women know it takes planning like that to make something happen. Becca (in the middle) was the one who helped host this year at her Mother-in-Law Margaret's beautiful home.

I honestly don't quite know how to sum up my experience there.

Each of those girls brought such a beautiful perspective to motherhood. They came from different areas all over the country and they range from having one child to seven (and #8 on the way!). They have such varying backgrounds and personalities but the main thing they have in common is that they are all very enlightened as far as motherhood is concerned. The spirit was thick all weekend long, and I felt gentle whisperings telling me exactly what I need to tweak and change in my parenting to merge more easily into the kind of mother I am valiantly striving to become. I came home so filled up to the brim it almost makes me emotional because of the richness and love the weekend held.

Most of our discussions looked like this:

...with the person presenting here:

They asked my Mom to be the keynote speaker which was pretty smart of them :) She opened up the retreat talking about "Parenting with the End in Mind." She asked the question "What do we want for our kids?" to which there were all kinds of answers including knowing their divine nature, helping them to be "self-appointed," helping them know how to really love others, etc. The discussion (with my Mom's help) led us to the realization that all those things we want for our kids all boil down to one overall thing that will give them all of that: giving them ownership.

What's that you say? You've heard me talk about that before? Well yes, I think ownership is the most brilliant thing we can give kids (and yes, I am indoctrinated heavily by my parents :). Ownership of their choices (helping them make decisions in advance), ownership of relationships (helping them see and treat others as God would), ownership of their arguments (the "fighting bench" is a perfect solution to that one), and most importantly, ownership of their beliefs. I know I've talked about it a whole bunch, but my parents wrote one of my very favorite parenting books on the whole ownership jazz: The Entitlement Trap: How to Rescue Your Child with a New Family System of Choosing, Earning, and Ownership. Click on that title for more information about that one.

My Mom and Margaret are good friends who go way, way back to Harvard Business School days so it was so fun to see them together.

Yes, I do definitely need a new point-and-shoot camera...I think this one has been dropped one too many times.

Check out this old picture I found of them back in the "olden-days":

That's me my mom is holding...Nolan (Margaret's husband) is holding my sister who is not very pleased about that little fact. And I don't know if that's my brother Josh or one of the Archibald's kids Margaret is holding...

It was so great to have these "seasoned mothers" to give some perspective to us mothers who are deep "in the trenches." Susan (on the right below) is the mother of some of the girls in attendance and also the host of the last retreat two years ago.
I wish she could remodel our new house for us...she is phenomenal at that stuff right along with motherhood.

Margaret opened up the day on Saturday. She spoke about helping our children develop self-esteem. She highly recommended a book called Your Child's Self-Esteem I am going to have to order because she brought up SO many points from it. I am going to write some highlights of my notes because it was like she was speaking right to me. Here you go:

Children value themselves to the degree they feel valued.
Of course we love our children and we assume they know that. But there is a difference between being loved and feeling loved.
You are a psychological mirror that your children use to build their identity.
Be aware of giving technology more attention than we give our children. Do our eyes light up when our children enter a room? They should!
Sometimes as mothers we habitually attend to what is missing or what is wrong instead of building up the good stuff. She told a story of when she got so frustrated with her son for forgetting things and missing the bus. She dropped him off at the school with all the weight of her lecture weighing him down. As she was about to take off, her younger son rolled down the window and called out to his older brother: "I love you!!" Oh the way she told that story made me so motivated to ease up a little on those lectures!
Kids are such a work in progress...we should put ourselves in their shoes.
Find the goodness in each child and build that up. Reinforce the good parts of the day and how they made you feel. We all need positive feedback, right?
Compliment kids in front of the other kids...pray about how grateful you are for them with them at your side.
Undivided attention with each child is so important! (that made me glad we do the things I wrote about back here)
We are all encumbered and frazzled by so many things. We need to be sure that we acknowledge that those sweet children are so much more important than a phone call, email, blog post, etc.
Show love through service. The mundane (helping them clean a room, a sincere compliment) can become monumental.

She ended with this quote that I adore from Elder Jeffrey Holland years ago:

"Mothers, cherish that role that is so uniquely yours and for which heaven itself sends angels to watch over you and your little ones. Yours is the work of salvation, and therefore you will be magnified, compensated, made more than you are, better than you are, and better than you have ever been. And if, for whatever reason, you are making this courageous effort alone, without your husband at your side, then our prayers will be all the greater for you. Know that in faith things will be made right in spite of you, or more correctly, because of you. We thank all of you, and tell you there is nothing more important in this world than participating so directly in the work and glory of God."

The other parts of the retreat blew me away as well. The theme of the whole retreat was "Nurturing the Whole Child" (as determined by Darcie and Monica) and many of the girls prepared stuff before we got there to lead discussions. I could write and write and write and write because man alive, I took notes like nobody's business, but I'll just leave you with a few highlights amidst the highlight pictures.

The first night there were some of the funniest stories told as we all caught up.

This is Jen Eyring (below), the one who gave me the idea I talked about back here which my Mom and I ended up using for our Time Out for Women presentation last year (with her permission of course)

She is expecting her eighth baby and shared such inspiring stories along with everyone else.

It was interesting because the leaders of each discussion brought up so many things and even though the group is large, everyone put in their two-cents and each of those two-cent-es spoke to me.

Darcie led a fascinating discussion about the ultimate goal for our children's minds. We talked all about teaching our children to "act" rather than being "acted upon." We talked about how our body and spirit must be nourished. It led to how important it is to help our children be in nature as much as possible and how that helps children to "restore" themselves. She recommended a book called Last Child in the Woods: Saving Our Children From Nature-Deficit Disorder that I'm determined to read...sounds so good.

Becca talked about "Nurturing the Emotional Child" and amidst the great points she brought up, she recommended some really good books for that:
The Hundred Dresses, Have You Filled a Bucket Today?, and Zero

Monica had us watch this talk which led to an awesome discussion about how to help our children establish their own connection to Heaven. We need to let our kids know we have faith that they will make the right choices. I was so hit by that talk during conference so I loved watching it again and having a sort of "book club" discussion about it. It sure made me think a lot about how much to push kids or let them make their own choices. Loved it.

Vanessa had us watch this talk that spurred a very thought-provoking discussion about how to help children recognize truth...especially through the teenage years. (Vanessa has seven kids some of whom are teenagers so it was so good to hear her perspective.) She recommended this book that looks fantastic: Arming Your Children with the Gospel: Creating Opportunities for Spiritual Experiences.

Some ideas that came up in the discussion:

The role of the Holy Ghost is to help children (and us) recognize the truth.
Questioning things is good...help children sort things out in their own minds.
Be alert--recognize teaching moments.

She recommended these talks:
Tender Mercies of the Lord (there's also a video of that one here), and Oh Remember, Remember

Sorry, yes, all these ladies are LDS (Mormons) so we had a lot of General Conference brought up. We feel (as so many other mothers do) so strongly about reaching out for God's help raising these children entrusted into our care and I'm SO grateful for the help of church leaders urging and encouraging us along.

Our discussions were interspersed with breaks (filled with impromptu inspiring discussions) and healthy food.

These two below are my fellow Hashimoto friends who almost have me convinced to try going gluten free. (Still trying to get up the nerve to do it.)

The hostesses:

The views:

On the last morning (Sunday) before we all left to catch our flights home, Liz (above on the right) gave the most amazing devotional. It was called the "Battle Hymn of the Dragon Mother" where she compared us to Chinese dragons who traditionally symbolize "potent and auspicious powers including in particular control over water, rainfall, hurricane, and floods" (pretty typical of a mother, right?). She said the dragon is also a symbol of "power, strength, and good luck," which I sure hope to have as a mother. She went into four habits of a "Dragon Mother" that were so inspiring I got her permission to use part of them for a portion of the speech I had to give at the American Mothers convention in Washington D.C. the next weekend. I could go on and on on about how inspired I was by her words, but I'll just leave you with this: we are all "Dragon Mothers" in our own way and we should go forth with joy, feasting on the words of Christ, praying hard and remembering to "be still" enough to let God guide us in our journey of motherhood.

My sister Saren was getting an award during most of this retreat (see my mom's write-up about it back here), so I didn't get to see her until right before my flight. We met half way between her house and the airport for a picnic and to catch up. Love that girl SO very much.
If you are wanting to attend your own motherhood retreat without putting in the hours of prep time Darcie and Monica did for this one, check out the Power of Moms where new inspiring motherhood retreats are always lined up. Saren has helped countless mothers with this retreat idea and oh how grateful I am for her (along with thousands of other mothers).

Wow, this is long. And I could write forever. But I'm going to be "present" with every electronic gadget turned off as my kids walk in the door from school in a few minutes. I'll leave with this beautiful quote:

"It is something to be able to paint a particular picture, or to carve a statue, or so to make a few objects beautiful; but it is far more glorious to carve and paint the very atmosphere through which we look - to affect the quality of the day. That is the highest of the arts." --Henry David Thoreau

May we all find joy in affecting the quality of the day in our own families.

England -- part 3 (a birthday and some graveyards)

noreply@blogger.com (shawni) — Wed, 16 May 2012 14:13:00 +0000

My mom and I spent three days in England on our little trip last month (plus a day of traveling on either side).

One day in London (see back here).

One (and a half) days in Northampton at the BBS conference (back here).

The last day was my mom's birthday (yes she came all the way to London to be at the conference with me which meant giving up a "normal" birthday back at home). But we sure had a good day. We spent it with my sweet sister Saydi and her family who are living in England for six months in this cute British house:

(I tried really hard not to drool too much as I was immersed in the adventure they are having over there because oh how I would sure love to do that, broken down cars and all...read more about what they are doing here.)

I mean seriously, even driving is an adventure:

Gotta love driving on the wrong side of the road with the steering wheel over there on the right. I had Saydi let me help her get out of a tight driving spot at one point because I was itching to take a turn at the wheel.

When given a choice of anything she wanted to do on her big day, my mom picked exploring the areas where our ancestors are from since she's been doing some work on that lately and we were so close.

But first we had a birthday breakfast and went to church.

At breakfast we presented my mom with sixty-five envelopes each filled with growing-up memories and things we love about that beautiful birthday girl sent in earlier from all our siblings and my dad.

We had her open them one by one all day long as we passed through the most gorgeous countryside I've seen in a long while.

(Sorry, I didn't realize the content of that one when I took that picture...:)

We visited all the churches we could find in the vicinities of where those ancestors were from.

And had some good quality bonding time in the car with Saydi's two oldest kids who came along.

This was the view from the front seat most of the time...love those tiny windy roads.

It was a little bit of an adventure in and of itself to find a birthday lunch place but we did it.

This was a church where some of our ancestors were married. Charlie and Hazel posed to commemorate that "happy" day:)

My mom was filled with all kinds of stories. It was fun to picture those ancestors right where we were standing and imagine how their lives must have been.

Another church where some were most likely married:

We scouted out graves to see if by chance any of their names were there (we didn't find any but man alive they could very well have been some of the ones with names rubbed off with time and moss).

The countryside was so gorgeous with the rain slipping in and out.

This wall was definitely there when all the ancestors were:

(It's actually a Roman ruin.)

In our family of nine kids we have two extra friends who we like to call sisters because they were with us so much of our growing up and we adore them. One of them was Saydi's friend who happens to live in England now as well. At the end of the day we met up with her and her cute family.

And she took us to this gorgeous "bluebell forest" where the bluebells were blooming everywhere you looked.

This was pretty fitting since my mom's answer to what her hobbies were when she was in the Miss Bear Lake Pageant was "collecting purple things." We like to laugh about that one.

As we drove home the most gorgeous full rainbow ever glimmered at us from the sky.

The next morning we got up early and took a few forms of public transportation to the airport where we loaded up on Hobnobs and English chocolate.

And then we flew right home on a flight where it somehow worked that I had four seats to sleep on. Yes, FOUR. I felt so guilty I could hardly stand it...until I fell asleep...

And got to get home to snuggle up my sweet children and their sweetest-ever babysitters a little less jet-lagged.

Dave was STILL in China and we all hunkered down in excited anticipation for him to get home the next day.

mother's day and teacher appreciation

noreply@blogger.com (shawni) — Tue, 15 May 2012 19:35:00 +0000

I am getting so far behind on keeping up with recording what's going on around here...life is just flying by before my eyes and the days of school are dwindling quick.

(Not that I'm counting...)

The end can't come soon enough as far as I'm concerned....it's been a great school year but I'm craving summer and summer goals and being in charge of our own schedule again. My children are signed up for nothing this summer (just how I like it) and I have high hopes that this will be our "summer of reading."

I'll have to report on how many eye-rolls we get when I make that little announcement.

I had a little epiphany on Mother's Day: I need to find a better balance between recording life around here and being right in the middle of it.

I choose right in the middle of it.

So this blog may be a little more sporadic for a while until I can find an intern (translated as a child...preferably one of my own) to help me keep up. I have so much backed up so we'll see if I can find a quick way to post the latest adventures before too many of the new ones pass us by...they may all come in one day so watch out.

And the emails? If anyone has sent me one lately please do not be offended if I don't get back to you. I am losing a valiant battle against those pesky things and I am opting to choose my family rather than being behind a computer all day. I'm going to let go of the guilt factor on those.

Mother's Day was great, but the day after: not so much. I was in such a grumpy mood feeling like life was caving in on me. Plus Lucy has developed this high pitched whine that was like fingernails on a chalkboard to me. I needed someone to come write things on my fingertips that I was doing ok on instead of basking in my shortcomings.

But even better I realized all I needed to do was glance at this beauty that Max gave me the day before to get my spirits up again: That is probably my most favorite Mother's Day gift. Ever. He obviously worked hard on it and knew it would mean a lot to me that he would take the time to draw something so sweet and kind. (He will probably also keel over in embarrassment that I'm posting it, but I can't help it...Elle did specifically write on her note not to post it on this blog so hers is tucked away safely :)

Oh man I love that boy who now towers over me:

On Mother's Day I write a note to each of my children in my own handwriting. I write all about what they are up to and how I admire and adore them. I hope some day they will read them with their own children near and finally understand how much a mother (parent) can love.

On Mother's Day I also draw a picture of our whole family (all my siblings and their families) for my Mom (see it up there?) It's still a work in progress (my Mom knows how I run as far as being prompt is concerned), but at least I got the outline done.

Today I sent the "medium-girls" off to school armed with teacher gifts:I'm trying to be a little more on-the-ball this year instead of scrambling to get something to them on the last day. I know they deserve so much more than a Target gift card, but hey, some years there is a serious lack of creativity coming from this brain of mine.

Last year I used one of the ideas in the comments from creative blog readers at the end of this post to make this contraption for each teacher:

I hope that this year the teachers will feel of our love from the heart-felt notes my girls wrote for them to go with their gift cards. Seriously, how do you thank someone who has had so much positive influence on your child for a whole school year? I was actually at the school in tears yesterday talking to the nice ladies in the office about Lucy's future teacher next year. Teachers have such an important role in the lives of my children and I can never, ever thank them enough for that.

Ok, enough babbling. But I'll end with this: I am not loving this new blogspot posting layout stuff. Is anyone else having trouble with that?

Happy Mother's Day...

noreply@blogger.com (shawni) — Mon, 14 May 2012 02:16:00 +0000

...to all the mothers out there who doing their best.

This clip makes me cry the second the music begins (thanks so much for sending me the link, Brittany B!)

What an amazing journey this motherhood thing is.

And how incredibly grateful I am for all the motherhood examples I have surrounding me in my life...especially my amazing mother and mother-in-law.

Happy Mother's Day everyone!

Q & A -- time management

noreply@blogger.com (shawni) — Sat, 12 May 2012 00:34:00 +0000

**Note: I find it fitting that this post on "time management" happens to be so late in being posted. A great indication of how great I am at this time thing.

How do your kids manage time? How do you get them everywhere? With 3 hours of church, another hour or so of activity at church on different day, morning scripture, seminary for the high school before school, special events like this {I can't remember what post this was so I don't know what "this" was}, plus piano, volleyball, tennis, school, homework and so on? I'm tired just reading the schedule.

Well, we are trying to get better at this one.

Always, always trying. And it is tricky, I tell you.

When time management is hard for the Mom, then it is hard for the kids so man alive, I'm trying to set a better example.

But there are a few things that really help our kids manage time well enough that they are productive:

1) We don't let them sign up for everything they want. I know, duh, that one's easy, right? But seriously, it gets so hard to pick between so many good, active things these days. Especially in the area we live where everyone seems to be able to do everything well. We've narrowed down the myriad of sports Max has tried to volleyball. And Elle has chosen tennis.

Keep in mind this is after trying tons of things. We want them to feel like they've given as many things as they're interested in a try. It's so hard for me not to have Elle doing volleyball too, and Max would like to be doing basketball and pole vaulting too, but we're to the point where we need to focus because the one thing they are doing soaks up all the nooks and crannies of their time.

And I'm still trying to be a tiger mother about it.

I'm failing miserably.

The younger girls are still in the "figure-out-what-to-focus-on" phase which means a ton of driving them around. Luckily I haven't been able to get up the gumption to sign them up for gymnastics yet this year...that's a time-sucker.

But really, I digress from the question at hand. On to time-management:

2) We're lucky because our kids leave for school at different times and come home at different times as well, so we can help them manage time more individually.

Max has learned the hard way that he needs to be organized in the morning before we have scriptures. And by saying he has "learned the hard way" I mean he's been in the doghouse a couple times for missing the bus and/or has had to go to school hungry because he doesn't have time to eat breakfast/pack a lunch.

We set up rules when our kids were really young that they couldn't do anything with friends after school if they didn't finish their morning jobs before they left (make beds, practice, etc.) so over the years they have become pretty ok at that and manage that mostly on their own.

3) This one is a little bit sad to admit, but I think because I fly by the seat of my pants so much a couple of my children thirst for organization enough that they set their own schedules so they can get stuff done to not be like their mother who is running around frantically. Seriously. And I love it because they write me notes and help me keep on track when I may forget stuff.

Do you plan on being a stay at home mom when you have all of your children in school full time? Maybe it's a little different because you have so many business pursuits, but my youngest just started kindergarten this year and it's full day where I live and I have been feeling pressure from family and friends to go back to work. Sometimes people make me feel like it's "ok" to be a stay at home mom when you have small children, but when you have older kids it's just lazy or unmotivated.

I think you just have to prayerfully figure out what is best on this one, and don't let anyone make you feel bad for whatever decision you make. Every mother is so different. Some are chomping at the bit to get out and work when their kids are gone, others I'm sure, use the time to organize and be a better home maker. I, for one, feel like in many ways I am working while trying to juggle everything else being a stay-at-home mom. Lucy is gone for two-and-a-half hours four days a week and my heart is literally racing the whole time trying to catch up on things so that I can "be there" for my kids and Dave when they are home. I would love to have a stretch of time when I can actually answer some emails and file things instead of having it look like a bomb exploded in my little office and having hundreds of unopened emails making me feel frantic and irresponsible.

Yes, I'm hoping I will get sane again when all my kids are in school.

But oh how I will miss them.

Whatever you decide, do it for you and your family, not anyone else who may or may not understand.

I wanted to ask your opinion about sports vs. weekly mutual activities. My kids are still too young to worry about this balance, but I serve in the Young Women at church. Some of our girls miss months at a time because of sports, band, etc.

When I was working with the youth I felt sad for them when they missed because it's so fun to have that camaraderie and spiritual boost during the week, but sometimes families decide other things need to come first and I completely respect the family's choices about that. I just always wanted to be sure everyone knew the information, knew we could come get them if they needed a ride, and mostly knew that we loved them and supported whatever they were doing. If someone was busy in a sporting season we would all go watch them and support them. Youth just need to feel loved. I hope the leaders can support whatever decisions we may make with our teenagers when push comes to shove, but we do put a very high value on church activities. I'm SO grateful for them and how they have helped mold my teenagers into the people they have become.

What are some ways you and Dave make time for each other on a daily basis?

This is a great question because I've been horrible at it lately! (sorry babe) Things have hit the fan lately with how much we have been gone and it makes both of us crave those ordinary days when we can just hang out. Aside from the past couple months where I have felt like Dave and I are just ships passing in the night there are a few things we like to do to put each other first:

1) ALWAYS have a weekly date night (whether at home after the kids are in bed when the kids were young, to going somewhere to talk now that we have built-in babysitters),
2) text nice things back and forth, It's amazing what a few nice words in a text can do for your day.
3) pray together every night. I love that we have done that since we were first married.
4) more ideas back HERE.

Would you mind describing your basic beauty routine?

This is part of what helps me manage time: I don't have a beauty routine. But I know that is not a good answer and I should take better care of myself. I grew up with my mother for my example in beauty regimen: "greet-the-day-running-and-hope-that-you-don't-run-into-someone-you-know-at-the-grocery-store-because-you-didn't-have-time-to-brush-your-hair-that-morning." She could pull that off. Me, not so much. Especially the lack of sleep part. So I'm trying to change my ways.

What are ways you give to yourself each day or each week or when you can? :)

I feel really indulgent when I sit for a minute and catch up with family/friends (at lunch/on the phone, or on their blogs) and when read a book like this one I just finished.

Seems like I'm not the only one wondering about your family bedtime routines! {I guess a few people asked this after a post a while ago...not sure what spurred it.} Do you put all the younger kids down at one time or do you take the time to read to them all separately? How long does it take you before they are all fast asleep and what are their bedtimes? Also, what time do they start their nightly routines?

The bedtime routines all include: reading, brushing teeth and prayer. The younger kids start early (like at 7:30) and the older ones don't finish until close to 10:30 or 11:00 (yes, on school nights).

When the kids were younger we worked bedtime like clockwork because we could. I could read with each child individually before I tucked them snugly into bed. We had our evenings scheduled down to the minute and by 8 or 8:30 or so the house was so quiet you could hear a pin drop. But now we have kids coming and going all night long. Volleyball, tennis, church stuff and carpools and go until after dark. Kids need constant help with homework and everyone (the three younger girls) want to read together at the same time. I do my best to take turns and help snuggle up whoever needs a little extra attention. It's interesting that the same child is the one needing the most attention most of the time...anyone else find that to be the case??

But even amidst the big-kid cacophony of noise and motion, the actual bedtime routine remains: read, brush teeth and prayer hopefully with a little time to pull ideas and thoughts out of their brains here and there.

Just wondering how you set your personal goals (what format do you use)? You seem to accomplish a lot in you day, just wanted to pick your brain on how you set future goals, personal, family goals, etc..

I have found (through much trial and error) that the best way for managing my day is through my calendar on my iPhone. I use a calendar called "Calvetica" that my brother introduced to me that syncs automatically with my computer and gives me as many alarms and reminders as I program into it.

But really, the goal thing is what makes all the difference, and during the periods of my life where I set aside time to think deliberately about setting those goals it makes a golden difference. My dad is the master goal-setter and has taught me from the time I was young to take out time to make "lifetime goals" (the big-picture goals), "ten-year goals," "five-year goals," "one-year goals," "one-month goals," and on to "one-week goals." some day I will include pictures of my big three-ring binder (that has been useful in the past and has gathered dust lately needing desperately to be used to get my life back in order!) But until I find the time to do that, check out my dad's theories HERE.

_____________________________________________________________________________

In summary, as you can probably tell, I am not so hot at time management. But I'm trying. And sometimes that's the very best I can do. I will end with this very wise comment a reader sent a while back (I'm sorry I didn't write down the name, just saved what she said, so thank you whoever you are!!)

"A favorite quote came to mind while reading your post: 'When we put God first, all other things fall into their proper place or drop out of our lives. Our love of the Lord will govern the claims for our affection, the demands on our time, the interests we pursue, and the order of our priorities.

Shawni, but wherever it's from, it's stuck with me: After time apart, your first interaction with your children will set the tone. I think of this when I wake them up in the morning, greet them at the door after school. That is when I really try to look in their eyes, smile, and listen with love."

How true it is that when we put God first, everything else falls into it's proper place. How grateful I am for a loving God who will guide us if we will only let Him in.

One of my favorite quotes:

"Oh God of second chances, here I am again."

He'll be there for us no matter how many times we come to Him again, and again, and again. He wants to help us raise these children of His that He has entrusted into our care.

Lucy's art

noreply@blogger.com (shawni) — Thu, 10 May 2012 15:39:00 +0000

I love Lucy's art.

I cannot get enough of it.

(That's Hello Kitty up above...check out how she does those formations of

five dots in varying colors as a border.)

Each picture is so unique, and has it's own sense of style.

I know I'm biased as her mother, but I think she has talent.

Maybe some day she will have an art gallery.

She makes stacks and stacks and stacks of drawings every day.

I love the patterns made with smiley faces and the numbers with their appropriate numbers of dots:

One of my favorite parts is that she uses so many dots.

It is so different than the other childrens' drawings I have seen. It makes my sister and I wonder if that's how she sees the world. She looks at the world in such a different way than others. Maybe the way she looks at things makes those dots appear:

I don't know.

According to Lu, that's an ice cream cone with a whole bunch of scoops on it to the left.

...I just like those smiling happy faces she makes.

my new fav. book

noreply@blogger.com (shawni) — Wed, 09 May 2012 17:52:00 +0000

So I am what you could call a "book club slacker" these days.

I haven't read the assigned book for months.

Some day I will get back my groove, but mostly I've been hanging on by my fingernails these days.

A couple months ago Max had to read To Kill a Mockingbird for English.

So I decided to nobly sacrifice the book club book we were supposed to read (since I probably wouldn't have read it anyway) and read that one with Max for two reasons:

1) I've been wanting to read it for a long time. I think I read the cliff notes or watched the movie in high school when I was supposed to read it way back when (I am horrible, I know). But I know it's supposed to be a classic, and I like classics.

2) Max has needed a little jump-start in school lately. We have been on his case like bees on honey, poor kid, so I pictured us curled up on the couch together having deep discussions about the characters, and laughing about the funny stuff together. I imagined him coming out of his final test about the book and lifting me on his shoulders because I helped him understand it so well (ha ha). But really, I figured it would be such a fun thing to do together, and even Dave decided to join in. So we each got our own books and were off.

The only problem with those grand visions is that he was on chapter fifteen when I was on page three. And then I was on chapter three when he came home and told me he finished the book.

Yeah, I was such a great example on getting the job done, and he was SO grateful for such a dedicated mother.

Oh, and Dave was in China for this and ended up reading the wrong book all together (he read The Catcher in the Rye, and wasn't too keen on suggesting anyone else read that one).

Anyway, I'm pleased to report that Max did indeed do wonderfully on the tests and follow-up without our help, and I finally finished the book on one of my long airplane trips.

You can always tell how much I love a book by how many pages I mark:

As you can see, there were SO many gems in that thing.

The character development was phenomenal. How I loved the descriptions. Check out this one of Aunt Alexandra:

Probably my favorite character was Atticus. How I long to parent exactly how he does. This is an example of how he parented Jem (Scout's older brother who I adored as well) right after he ruined the flowers in the garden of a really spiteful old neighbor who was ruthlessly horrible to him:

And this was his response after some other thing Jem did when Scout thought he'd get in trouble:

I could go on and on, but I'll stop there and say that I loved that book.

I am so grateful for good books. And am thinking now that I'm back on the reading bandwagon (I hope) I'd love some good summer book suggestions.

a few items of business...some mother's day ideas

noreply@blogger.com (shawni) — Tue, 08 May 2012 16:49:00 +0000

When my Mom and I published our book a few years ago it was a rush to see my name printed there on a real, live book (more about that book back HERE and ordering info. on my sidebar...I'm just gonna say, I'm thinking it would make a nice Mother's Day gift :)

I received another rush the other day when I received this book in the mail:

My friend Whitney has quite a knack to help people figure out and realize their dreams. She was such an encouragement when we got Lucy's diagnosis and helped get the "I Love Lucy Project" going. She has helped countless people realize their potential and push for their dreams, whether they are pies in the sky or whether they are "tweaking" those dreams a little (that's what my part is about). So she wrote a book. And it sure looks like a good one. Here's my part:

Here's a super blurry picture of the back cover to give you an idea:

Again, great Mother's Day gift idea. And Amazon says it has free two-day shipping...click HERE to get that puppy ordered.

Shortly after I received that book, another one showed up on my doorstep:

The compiler of these stories requested I write something about my mother in there a while back, and he sent me a copy to check it out:

It makes me feel so grateful for my dear mother. Except I wish they would have put some of her "Miss Bear Lake" pictures in there too:)

Dave is pretty proud that I'm on the back cover with Jimmer.

(I think I need to take lessons on "How to take pictures of books," but you get the idea.)

Ok, so not to sound like a broken record, but I'm thinking, "Hey, that would be a good Mother's Day gift too!" Click HERE for ordering info. on that one.

Ok, and one more idea...my sister is putting on a Motherhood Retreat this weekend in Park City. I can't think of a better gift to give to yourself as a mother or to another mother in your life. These retreats really are life-changing as far as I'm concerned. What a better way to give motherhood a little jump-start than that? All the information about the retreat is HERE.

One last thing: I am guest posting over HERE on my blogging friend Melissa's blog today. You will love all the interesting/insightful stuff she has going on over there.

Happy Mother's Day prep!

home

noreply@blogger.com (shawni) — Mon, 07 May 2012 16:51:00 +0000

I am sitting here surrounded by piles of laundry and in the midst of mopping away the weekly grime while Lu is at dance class. The shelves in my refrigerator are empty, there are fingerprints everywhere, and I know I have appointments and check-ups galore that I need to check my calendar to make sure I don't forget.

But I must sit here for a minute and reflect. Because here amidst the dirt and piles of mail and disorganization my heart is filled right to the very brim.

I am home. And Dave's home. And I got to snuggle him and all the kids up and hold them tight last night and this morning. We are all here in one spot.

And there's not another airplane trip in sight.

I have been out of town for thirteen of the last eighteen days.

Dave has been gone nineteen of the last thirty.

Part of those days away we overlapped.

I was in London while he was in China. We were both home one day before I had to leave again for Utah. We both returned from Washington D.C. together last night. The stories and rich epiphanies we both gained are invaluable and will have to be told another day.

But how the richness of those experiences made me appreciate the commonplace richness of an ordinary day here at home.

Those days when I can go volunteer at the school and have snacks ready for my children after school. Those days when I can sit on the piano bench to help the kids with their piano lessons and even those moments when everyone is fighting and I realize I have the power as their mother to bring peace. I'm so grateful that my presence here means I can crouch down on their level and look into their eyes and tell them I love them from deep within my heart.

The gift of the mundane "ordinary" day is so easy to take advantage of and get frustrated with until you leave it behind for a while. Then you ache for those inside jokes you and your husband share over the dinner table, the late-night tuck-ins for teenagers, the stories the children bring home from school ready to spill out. You even miss the teasing and the crazy carpools.

Because that stuff means you are a mother. And a wife. And sometimes in the midst of the hustle and bustle of life that is too easy to take advantage of.

Although I know we were missed, the kids have been pleased as punch about the array of friends, babysitters, and family who have stepped in to help out, especially since my brother and his wife and their new sweet baby visiting from NYC have been the latest and greatest of the "helpers." It makes me want to cry just thinking about how grateful I am for such a support group and for their love and support. I'm also so grateful that our kids had the chance to step it up in the responsibility category and really help take care of each other.

But mostly I'm just happy that we are home. All together.

How I love it here.

And how blessed I feel to have the opportunities I've had over the last few weeks. In our planning, Dave and I knew those experiences would work together to make our family stronger despite the time away they required.

But even more, how blessed I feel to be a mother...and to be home for the "ordinary days" that tend to get "extraordinary" around the end of the school year. Bring them on. I am ready.

(Especially since I'm armed with smoothie recipes galore {HERE} to give us all the energy it will take! Thank you for those!!)

Some day I will get caught up weaving together the stories and pictures of my adventures away but for now, I'm off to enjoy the chance I have to change the laundry and mop the floor...and watch Lu at swim class. :)

Friday Q & A -- getting younger kids to work

noreply@blogger.com (shawni) — Fri, 04 May 2012 13:00:00 +0000

We have Saturday morning chores. Everyone has a checklist for the things they are responsible for in their own rooms, then they also are assigned a room in the house to clean (we rotate the rooms every week). We have one daughter (6) who is sooooooo very slow at everything and HATES to clean or work at all. We have tried many things to change this, but it usually ends up with her getting in trouble, tears, etc. Have you or your parents had a child like this, and if so, what worked for you or them?

I think every parent has children like this. It is not natural for kids to want to clean or to do their share, so the tricky part as parents is to help them figure out responsibility and the joy it brings to have a part in helping a family run smoothly.

I am certainly no parenting expert, but I do have three ideas that have helped in our family:

1) Tutors. (Please read more details about this back HERE...I love when we instigate "tutors" and "tutees" in our family.)

We parents should never underestimate the power an older sibling has with the younger ones. We haven't done this in a while, but whether it is a formal assignment to have an older child "tutor" a younger sibling for a month or so on a regular basis, or whether it's just pulling aside an older child on a singular Saturday morning and giving them a "special secret assignment" to help a younger sibling, bigger kids love to have this responsibility.

For example, there were a few Saturdays when Lucy was lounging around not about to lift a finger to do her jobs. I pulled Claire aside and in an excited voice I told her: "Hey Claire, I'm going to give you a very special 'secret assignment' today. Your job is to secretly get Lucy to work. Figure out a game or something that will make her excited to help. She loves you SO much and if you're excited about jobs I know she will be too." I am telling you, there's nothing like watching that older child's eyes light up at their assignment and witnessing the residual effects of the games they make up to get the job done. The magical thing about it is that it gets the older child and the younger child excited to do things at the same time.

2) Make jobs fun. One of our favorite ways to get things done in our family is to turn on music. (Click HERE to see how happy the kids get to help out when we turn it on.)

3) Repetition. Let the children know that jobs are not going away. They happen every single Saturday. At some point kids realize that they may as well just get them done so they can get on to what they want to do, because after a few weeks of wallowing around lazily they start to get the picture that they're only hurting themselves by sitting around on a Saturday.

I also think it's so important to write down what kids need to do so they can cross stuff off as they go and have tangible evidence that they are making progress. (It sounds like you do this already.)

I posted our own Saturday job charts back HERE (scroll to the end of the post). Each chore has a box to fill in when it's done. My kids love that part.

I'd love to hear (and I'm sure many other readers would join me in that love) other ideas of what people do to make jobs/chores rewarding and a happy part of the family rather than a tortuous task :)

health and green smoothies

noreply@blogger.com (shawni) — Thu, 03 May 2012 18:03:00 +0000

Generally when Dave goes out of town I have a project.

I clean out all the closets or I paint a room. Some trips he comes home to find that I've figured out a new filing system or I've labeled a whole batch of pictures.

So when Dave went to China this last time I outlined my "project" carefully.

I was going to get healthy.

This Hashimoto's stuff has kind of given me a little bit of a scare. My general theory about health is that you just pick up and keep on going no matter how awful you may feel and everything works out.

But the only problem was that this time around things weren't "working out."

I was so tired I could hardly see straight. Which equals a grumpy, emotional mother/wife/friend, etc.

I was determined to get a handle on things.

So first I set goals for myself to sleep more. And second I set out to the farmer's market and came home with this:

I read up on the couple "green smoothie" recipes I had on hand and whipped up this:

This was what greeted my children when they walked in the door from school:
I was so proud of myself as I plugged my nose and tried to gulp that stuff down. I must have really messed up on the recipe because it did not resemble the deliciously refreshing smoothie my cousin had whipped up for me last summer.

I hoped the kids would somehow miraculously love my creation but they had about the same expression I pictured on my own face when they tried it.

About ten minutes after they got home I came in the kitchen from the laundry room to find this:

Yeah, my health plan has a way to go.

But gradually we're getting better!

Since then I have experimented with recipes and have come up with a few winners (which I will post soon), but in the meantime, please send green smoothie ideas my way. I'll share yours and mine at the same time and we can all get healthy together :)

England -- Part 2 (the BBS Conference)

noreply@blogger.com (shawni) — Wed, 02 May 2012 16:04:00 +0000

So the reason we went to England in the first place was so that we could attend the BBS conference in Northampton.

The minute we found out about Lucy's syndrome my parents, bless their sweet little hearts, were on the internet looking up everything under the sun written in conjunction with this rare, ominous thing looming darkly in our future.

Their theory is that you kill worry with knowledge.

If you look up "Bardet-Biedl Syndrome" on the internet, you may be in for a little bit of depression. The articles are filled with horror stories and worst-case-scenarios.

But my parents knew to look deeper than that. They read the research. Things professors and doctors had written.

As it turned out, most of the medical papers they read had the name of one particular researcher attached: Professor Phillip Beales (see the references at the end of this link for an example...his name is plastered all over there).

Upon further research they discovered Professor Beales lives in London.

As luck would have it, they had a speech scheduled there coming up.

Being the kind of guy my Dad is, he had no problem calling up Mr. Beales and asking him to accompany them to lunch while they were in town.

Now, many professionals would brush this invitation off with the flick of their wrist. They are much too busy for a nosy American to make their way into their already over-scheduled life.

But Dr. Beales, being the kind man that he is, thought lunch was a great idea.

He took time out to talk to my parents in great length about everything he knew. They recorded their conversation. It felt so nice to have someone...an expert...that we "knew" in a world of having to explain every little part of the syndrome to every doctor we met.

Dr. Beales recommended that we come to the BBS conference in England. He told them it was a great way for BBS families to get together and have that camaraderie, but also to be proactive as the syndrome started doing it's various work of destruction.

That was three years ago.

Ever since then we have wanted to attend that conference.

We went to the BBS Conference here in the states at Duke University a couple years ago (more about that back here), but wanted to make it to England as well. Knowledge is power. And the more power we can have against this syndrome the better.

Last year we came so close but couldn't quite pull it off.

So this was the year. Dave couldn't make it (he was still in China, and isn't quite ready for this type of thing), so my darling mother and I made it happen.

These conferences are so interesting. Parents come with their BBS kids and there is such a wide spectrum of how kids are affected. The first night I was in tears at dinner. It is emotionally draining to see children with the same syndrome your daughter has...to see it from an outside perspective.

I saw some of those kids how others may see Lucy.

And some of them made me ache for Lucy and her future.

But I came away from that conference invigorated with ideas, armed with information and surrounded by new friends that I know will help us on our way through this journey of ours.

There were over 300 people in attendance. We all sat together soaking in all the new information.

Here's the main lady who put the conference together:

She was a gem, especially since she couldn't talk (something happened in a surgery with her voice box...hoping they can fix it at some point).

Here is one of the sweetest, strongest girls I've met:

She has BBS and has overcome so many amazing obstacles doing research completely on her own. She is a nurse, can see just fine, and is fighting to get BBS more support in Australia (she came all the way from there). She was so inspiring.

This is our new friend Christian.

I had "met" his sweet wife and four kids through this blog before we got there. They have three boys and then a little girl who has BBS. We compared stories about how grateful we are to have older children who can help those youngest sisters so much.

I loved this family...I wish their sweet little girl was looking...

Here is one of the organizers of the conference:

...along with her cute son. So inspiring to see these kids doing so well.

This guy was one of my greatest inspirations of the weekend:

He is blind. He sat quietly in the discussion we had about all the research on restoring and maintaining vision. Near the end he piped up and told us he is who he is today because he lost his vision. And he wouldn't change how he has grown from it for the world.

More amazing mothers with the children they take such great care of:

This little girl reminded me so much of Lucy.

An amazing couple who have two daughters with BBS.

Aren't these parents just the best? You can tell by their kind faces that they were sent these children for a reason.

These two girls in the middle gave me a lot of hope for Lucy as well. Their eyes are still working quite well and they were just so sweet.

We felt so privileged to get to hang out with Professor Beales and his very, very kind wife.

They even offered to take us to my sister's house at the end of the conference, which we took them up on very happily. It was about an hour and a half drive where we got the chance to get to know them better and pick their brains about every question we could possibly come up with.

I'm so grateful for people like this who change our world.

I took a ton of notes that I will paste into the "I Love Lucy Project" blog, so check in there, and if you are interested in more details click on my mom's blog HERE. She wrote down a lot of the important stuff we learned (oh I love having her to help me digest all that information) so I won't duplicate it here.

We felt so blessed to be able to have that experience. We still have so much to learn, but I feel like we are making great strides.

England -- part 1 (London)

noreply@blogger.com (shawni) — Tue, 01 May 2012 12:58:00 +0000

When I had barely got my feet under myself as an ultra shy freshman in high school, my parents announced with excitement that our family would be moving to England for six months. As I remember it, there was no lead-up to this announcement.

No preparation.

No discussion.

It was set in stone the minute it fell nonchalantly out of their mouths, their lips smiling in what seemed to me to be pure mockery of how it made me feel inside. Didn't they know I was painfully naive and insecure? Did they not realize that I had barely settled into school and made a few noble friends who I adored? I was barely starting to breathe let alone to thrive, and just like that they were going to snatch the rug right out from under me.

Knowing them, I know they did it lovingly, and although I'm sure they were aware of my sobs and wailing about the move, they knew what I know now: change is good.

But it took the "refiners fire" of living in England for six months to realize it.

I grew more in those six months than I think I grew the whole rest of my life up to that point put together.

Sure it was hard.

Sure it was uncomfortable. I cried every day as I feverishly wrote letters to my friends back home and listened to the "Stand Alone" cassette tape that they sent with me. I held on to every shred of home for dear life. I detested the brown school uniform I had to wear to Rosebury School for Girls and felt uncomfortable every single day. I longed for the freedom and safe harbor I had created back home.

But my older sister Saren and I were somehow allowed to explore London on our own. We knew "The Tube" like the back of our hands. Somehow those endless escalators bringing us down into the belly of the city and the warm wind announcing the arrival and departure of each train whisked in and out of the station to take us on a new adventure invigorated us.
I loved Picadilly Circus and shopping and all the connections we made through Victoria Station with it's wall of flipping departure, arrival and platform information.

And somehow, somewhere, something inside me started to wake up and uncurl from my burden of being displaced.

Somehow that city became "mine." And I survived those six months in spite of myself.

That time our family spent in England was probably the best thing that could have ever happened to me.

England was the place I started to emerge from my shell of shyness. It was where I started to gain more confidence in myself.

Do you know why? It was because England was the first place where I learned, truly, that I could do hard things.

(Hence the reason I personally pine away to move to England...or China...or Singapore...or Australia...at least just for a little while. It made such a huge difference in my life I figure it will somehow miraculously do the same for my kids...much more about that back here.)

So, although we have been back a handful of times since that dreaded six-month stretch so long ago, it always feels incredibly rejuvenating to get back to that place I finally, reluctantly fell in love with.

Although we only had one day in the city, we utilized every minute of it.

Here we are at Victoria after our overnight flight:

We were brimming with excitement to get out there and see everything we wanted to see.

I was a little sad that the old flipping letter/number display had been digitized. I loved hearing the whirr of those numbers change to announce a platform change or a new schedule.

We had a joyous reunion with my sister Saydi who is living over in London with her family for six months. (Yes, she's living the dream over there :)She was the best tour guide we could have ever asked for.

Our first stop was Buckingham Palace

Then we took this picturesque road...

...over to the Birdcage Walk:

...and then over toward Westminster Abbey

I had been there before, but all those little details took my breath away.

I am in love with architecture. From modern straight lines to this ultra decked out stuff. I couldn't get enough of that ceiling.

We walked that place with our little "audio tours" pressed to our ears leading us past all the tombs ensconced in that building. I found myself imagining the days of those old kings and poets, how their funerals went, what was said, how the weddings were planned, how the brides felt as they walked down those isles, trains trailing behind them.

This is "Poet's Corner" where so many famous poets are immortalized.

I found myself wishing I had paid more attention to the royal wedding that happened there last year...

Next we went to Big Ben

...and took a cheeseball picture at the phone booth because you have to do that when you're in London, right? My question is, will they keep these phone booths forever? I mean, phone booths are pretty much obsolete these days.

I sure hope they never get rid of those things. I adore them.

Same with the taxi cabs. What's up with so many of them being all colorful now? They're supposed to be black. I guess I'm just such a sucker for tradition.

But I digress...on to Big Ben...

Again, wow, I love that architecture.

The London Eye

I talked my mom and sister into doing the London Eye even though they had done it before. I figured since we only had a finite amount of time in London we better see it from a good vantage point.

It didn't disappoint as far as I'm concerned.

The weather held out until the last couple minutes.

We walked to Trafalgar Square to find it all fenced up ready for some sort of festival the next day. It's a good thing I'm tall so I could take this picture on my tippy-toes over the fences:

I just liked this picture of my sister and mom amidst the Londoners...trying to navigate us around.

We whisked into the The National Gallery and tried to hunt down my Mom's favorite picture there with no luck.

It was pouring with rain when we came out. That's the National Gallery behind us. Oh man we all love art so much I wish we had had more time in that place.

Picadilly Circus

From Piccadilly we took a double-decker bus through the curvy streets down past Hyde Park...

...and then back to the beginning to Victoria Station to take a train to North Hampton where the Bardet-Biedl conference was starting with a dinner that evening.

More on that tomorrow.

I'm so grateful for a jam-packed day in that city that stole my heart in the midst of my homesick sorrow all those years ago.

a new tennis player

noreply@blogger.com (shawni) — Mon, 30 Apr 2012 15:37:00 +0000

So as the soccer season wrapped up (back here), Claire, probably my most begging-to-be-in-every-sport-child, started tennis.

So far she seems to be pretty pleased with that little fact.

Her form is top notch, (which apparently includes the tongue-power I discovered in soccer season :)
Ha ha...it actually makes me realize how far Elle has come!

It doesn't hurt that she takes lessons with one of her best friends who transferred to another school last year.
They are in heaven to be reunited.

Now if they could just concentrate on what they are learning rather than being so giddy to be together!

Love this shot:
Everyone is pretty amazed about where that sucker landed:
(Something is telling me it was not somewhere on the court.)

Elle's "clinic" starts right after Claire's done.
And she hits away at that ball as Claire watches in awe.

Now if we can just keep Claire going...

We have two strikes against us because Max and Grace both tried and decided it wasn't for them.

C'mon Claire, let's stick with this one!

I love tennis.

And I don't mind living out my tennis dreams through my children :)

Friday Q & A -- love story

noreply@blogger.com (shawni) — Fri, 27 Apr 2012 14:09:00 +0000

Since you showed the pictures of where you both lived when you met {back HERE}... How did you two meet? Church? Live near each other? Mutual friends? Nothing more fun than a true-life love story!

I wrote this post in anticipation of Valentine's Day (yeah, that two-months-ago-holiday). I figured it was a good time to answer this question because you know this blog is my journal. And if this love story should ever start to fade into the corners of my mind I'd be so sad without it. I want to remember every detail.

Plus, I figured what a better way to prep for Valentines than to reminisce all those heart-skipping things that made me fall head-over-heels in love?

But then I got sucked into life (and other v-day prep) and never posted it. So now seems like as good a time as any. Especially since he just got back from a long trip to China and man alive I missed him.

Here you go...this is the beginning of the story of how I landed this guy:

For my freshman year of college, I went away to Boston University. It wasn't what I wanted. What I wanted with all my heart was to stay home and continue life right along as it "should" be with my friends and family all hunkered down securely around me. But deep down I knew the truth: I'd grow leaps and bounds more there than I would sticking around in my comfort zone. {or was it just that I had my parents whispering on my shoulder that I should go stretch my wings?} It was early on in life that my parents started brainwashing me with all that "hard is good" jazz that I now, in turn, try to infiltrate solidly into my own children's minds.

The plan was that I would go away for one year. It seemed more do-able and less permanent. It was the only way I could cajole myself to take the plunge into such uncharted territory.

So I left my teary-eyed friends at the airport and headed off (bleary-eyed myself) into the unknown. Except that my sister was close-by at Wellesley and my high school boyfriend was close-by at Tufts. I practically clung to them for the first little while. But after a while I stretched out and got my bearings straight. I learned and I grew. I blossomed from painfully shy to just shy.

And it felt empowering.

From there I went on study abroad with BYU to Jerusalem. As much as I had grown to love Boston for that year, it wasn't too tough for me to stick with my original plan to transfer. Jerusalem is a series of posts all on it's own but suffice it to say, that was where the spark of the idea of going on a mission for my church perked up in my mind. I had never thought I would go that route before. But somehow in the midst of those ruins and walking the paths that Jesus walked my heart started to stir to think about that in the future.

The friends I made there became like my family and we transitioned into BYU all together for our sophomore year. Between high school graduation and my sophomore year I had met many kind, good boys. And I learned from each of them. There were late night religion talks with the drunk boys who landed in our commons room in Boston. There were the talks with incredulous boys at frat parties at BU who stood trying to pick up their jaws off the floor that I had never had alcohol before which led to some pretty funny conversations. I loved going to the winter formal at Harvard with one boy I thought was dreamy. There was one boy who read me poetry by candlelight and one I visited in Washington D.C.

But I was kind of excited about the prospect of the "mecca" of boys I had heard were available at BYU. The plan was to have fun there, get a semester of school tucked under my belt and head on an 18-month mission for my church.

Boys at BYU were divided into three groups as far as I was concerned: 1) really good friend boys who we hung out with constantly and even went on road trips with occasionally. They were older than we were and felt a little like our big brothers. 2) crazy-daters who were on a mission to go out with as many girls as they possibly could. Oh boy I was weary of those ones. They would pass girls notes in the library, ask out with some cheesy pick-up line in the middle of class, etc. And my problem was that I could never, ever say no because I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings. And 3) our neighbors from the apartments upstairs who just made things fun. Game nights on the weekends, visits back and forth from our apartments, etc.

Of course, I wasn't interested in actually dating any of those boys. They were all just friends or dating-die-hards I couldn't come up with a valid excuse to say no to when they called. Until one day a boy in group 3 told me his friend had a crush on me. The one with the middle part with the "wings" of hair curling around on his forehead. The tall one. The one with the angular jaw jeweled with dimples and the kind eyes.

And then it dawned on me that that boy was actually pretty good-looking.

I was nonchalant about it until he didn't pay any attention to me. Then I started to wonder. Was it true what his friend said? How could I find out? My interest was sparked. And each time I saw him I started trying to figure out ways to be with him...did we need to borrow an egg? When was game night? I started wondering about him: Why was the light on up there so darn late? What could they be doing? Which way would he be walking to class and what time? Would I meet up with him somewhere if I walked slowly?

I began to wonder if his friend made up that mumbo jumbo that he had a crush on me. He was cool as a cucumber. The exact opposite from the die-hard-daters at the library. And that was working for me. I was a sucker for the "game."

{to be continued...}

blurred

noreply@blogger.com (shawni) — Thu, 26 Apr 2012 14:37:00 +0000

I sit on a hard chair at a round table.

The light is filtering through the vinyl blinds and the muffled squeals and commotion from the end-of-school hustle and bustle are filtering through in waves from the nearby playground.

Dave sits at my side and we are surrounded by people who know Lucy well.

And it is evident that they love her.

Her beloved teacher. Her vision teacher. The kindergarten teacher. The school psychologist.

We are going over her IEP and her progress from this year. They smile at her obstinacy they have grown endeared to over the three years most of them have known her. They tell me why she didn't score overly high on a couple particular evaluations they have done to monitor her progress:

"She was on 'Lucy time.'" They explain, knowingly nodding in unison. Timed tests are not her forte.

They skip nimbly over that and review her exceptional progress: She can write all her letters. She knows all the letter sounds. She can sound out simple words. She is a little artist. She colors in the lines. She's kind and sweet to others. She is obedient (on her own timeline).

They tell me she is ready for Kindergarten.

Not some integrated program they had said may be a better placement for her at the beginning of the year. She's ready for the Real Deal as far as they are concerned.

And part of me is elated at that news. That's exactly what we have worked toward. We want her to be "mainstream." We want her to be as "normal" as possible. And here they are telling me they think she's ready. She's smart.

But another part of me is uneasy.

What if she regresses with different structure next year? What if she can't keep up with the other kids? How can one teacher with 25 other kids in the classroom help her with what she will need? How can another teacher love her as these women over the past three years have?

It's all the unknown scrambled up in my brain.

Part of me panics.

They shift over to "the bad news:" an assessment of Lucy's vision where the prognosis isn't as bright.

They tell me how she has started shifting her head to see things in front of her more clearly. They relate that she holds things just a few inches in front of her eyes to inspect them. Her color differentiation is deteriorating.

They tell me she is doing well with learning the "scissors technique" to trace the lines of Braille appropriate to her age level. She is learning to use a video magnifier.

They go into the varying recommendations they have for the teacher next year. How she'll need extra verbalization of visual materials, preferential seating, strong illumination...the teacher must use dark markers for her white board. We go over the possibility of having a "cane specialist" start teaching her how to use a white cane. No, Lucy would detest that.

It's all useful information except I'm not really thinking about what they're saying anymore.

Part of me wants to scream. The back of my eyelids start prickling. The room is closing in on us all. I don't want this to be happening to my daughter. To us. I want her to be normal. I want her to thrive like I see my other children doing.

But then something sparks in me. The Vision Walk flickers into my mind. Hope for all the research coming up and the thought of all the support Lucy has somehow opens up those walls again and I can breathe.

I don't know what will happen with Lucy's eyesight. And surely it will not be the end of the world if it continues to fade. She is smart and her strong will will get her through the rough stuff. She's not nervous when she can't see. She is already compensating for low vision when she's in dim places. She's a fighter and she'll be fine.

But as her mother, I'll hold onto every hope I can.

And I'll always tear up when I think of the outpouring of love from so many around her. Love that I'm sure will get her through a whole lot in life.

Somehow in that small room, on that hard chair, surrounded by people who love my daughter everything is ok again.

The fact that these ladies love Lucy despite her obstinacy comforts me. Her new teacher will just have to love her this much, keep her confidence growing, keep her on this path of progress.

Because she's Lucy. And those blue eyes of hers are intoxicating. The way she moves her mouth when she tries to express herself. Her funny sense of humor.

But that doesn't stop my own vision from becoming blurred with those kind ladies surrounding me who care so much. They have changed Lucy's life forever. So have her therapists. And so have so many others she doesn't even know.

My heart swells up, the room comes into view again and I know everything is ok.

Perhaps not the kind of "ok" I had always anticipated, but maybe it's an even better "ok" than I knew to expect. Because I never knew that hard things could bring so much good.

volleyball junkies

noreply@blogger.com (shawni) — Wed, 25 Apr 2012 16:49:00 +0000

With Max on the high school JV volleyball team we are all becoming volleyball addicts around here.

We are certainly getting our fill with two or three games every week in every corner of our area high schools.

What I have realized is that I LOVE this sport. I don't think there was such a thing as high school boys' volleyball where I grew up, but it's a pretty fun deal here in the desert.

I love that the boys are so supportive of one another. I love that this is how they stand when getting counseled by their coach:

I love that they sit on the bench and cheer each other on.

...and that when someone leaves the game (for a break), they all stand up and cheer for him as he comes off the court.

I love that even though he's a freshman, the coach still gives Max some playing time.

And I love that he's a great server (at least in his mother's naive-new-to-volleyball-mind.)

It's been fun to see so many other high schools. I'm kind of fascinated by high schools. The kids. The atmosphere and how it varies. Even the school colors.

I love that we get to be the spectators with friends who are teaching us the ins and outs of the rules.

We have loved having Dave's parents around for so many of the games since they have been in town this winter.

And I thank my lucky stars every game I bring Lucy to that she loves to bring along her princesses or squinkies that keep her so occupied:
The iPad has done wonders to keep her occupied too...
...and her sister.

This picture was taken when they decided to dance on the court between games.
Which was all sweet and endearing until they started kicking each other with mean faces.

Yeah, gotta love that.

But most of the time they are pretty nice to each other.

Lucy tries to find the highest places to perch herself.

The other girls find the high places fascinating as well.
I love that even though Max is on the bench the majority of the time, he is so darn supportive of the team.

This is a series of pictures Elle took at one game that I think are so funny:

(It was a particularly intense game.)

It looks like they wish this next shot would have "gone down" a little to be in bounds:

Love those expressions.

The girls thought it was the greatest day of their lives when it was our turn to run the snack bar. Claire was dying when she thought maybe her tennis lesson would interfere, but thank heavens I was able to pick her up first!

There was a very good-looking guy running the show that day:

It doesn't hurt that this team is really good. They are undefeated. In volleyball you have to win two out of three games and they have won the first two in all but two matches. I wish they got to play the third game more often just so we could watch more!

But one of the very best things about Max playing volleyball?

That Max gets to have some boys around in a life swimming with girls on every side.

We were in charge of snack the other day and it was so fun to get to know these guys better.

They are good kids.

Yeah, I am a volleyball junkie and I love it.

London (a big thing) and lots of little things

noreply@blogger.com (shawni) — Tue, 24 Apr 2012 15:49:00 +0000

I just got back from London last night.

My Mom and I went to attend a conference there for Lucy's Bardet-Biedl Syndrome. We learned SO much and met some of the kindest people. We also got to go visit my sister who lives in London for a whirlwind visit filled with planes, trains and automobiles. SO much more about that when I can get all my pictures situated.

Dave was still in his two-week-plus stay in China for work (yes, I really did say two-week-plus, and we have been withering away missing him), so the kids had a patchwork of amazing babysitters and friends while my Mom and I were gone.

My heart was wilting without them so it was so great to get back to them and snuggle them up last night.

We had an English taste-test for Family Home Evening: (Which I can hardly remember because of the jet-lag fog, but I think the milk chocolate Hobnobs came out as the winner. I personally like the dark chocolate digestives best but whatever.)

I sent them off to school this morning with "I Love London" paraphernalia covering their backpacks and lunches packed with Hobnobs.
Claire marched out the door proclaiming that London is her very most favorite place in the whole wide world "even though I've never even been there" so whatever I told them about it must have worked :)

In the meantime before I can get all that we did there situated on this blog, here's a post I wrote a bit ago trying to catch up with some of the little things happening around here lately:

I don't know what the world is coming to, but I let my two teenage children go with every teenager in the desert to see the midnight premier of The Hunger Games.
Yes that one movie where children kill off other children.

When you think about that it sure does seem crazy. But we had all read the book and were dying to see how they portrayed it in a movie.

When they asked why I wasn't joining them I told them I couldn't stay awake that long (their friends' moms accompanying them were much younger than me and could handle things like that). And then it hit me: I am OLD.

I wish I had taken video footage of all those kids sprawled throughout the outdoor mall waiting for the excitement to begin when I dropped off Elle (although I know part of the excitement was the waiting part), but here is the crew who picked up Max:
There was a time period a while back where we could not find new jeans for Claire. I really did try to make it to the store, but man alive, her size is rough to come by.

So she just wore these puppies for a long time:(I love how nice her shoes are too...)

When Claire produced her new school picture from the depths of her backpack I had to laugh:
I'm glad whoever was in charge chose to highlight those things right there in the front row.

Let's go ahead and take a closer look:Yeah, I think I may have opted to put her in the back row. Maybe they couldn't turn down her cute face for the front :)

Sometimes Max and I get to go to lunch. On game days the volleyball team dresses up for school.
I think he is hot stuff.

Sleeping beauty:
Lucy doesn't seem to grasp the need for pajama pants.

Max and I went and got tested for what was causing our crazy seasonal allergies. Our appointments were a day apart from each other. They pricked my back with all sorts of things I may be allergic to and told me they'd be back in fifteen minutes. On her way out the door the nurse peeked her head back in and said, "Oh, by the way, you may start itching. Don't itch if you do."

Oh my word for crying out loud my skin was positively crawling to be itched by the time they finally resurfaced to check my back.

I guess the reason is because I'm allergic to practically every single thing they tested me for. I tried taking a picture of my back but the angle made it too tricky so I was excited I got to take Max and help him not itch for the itchiness the next day.

And I was excited to take a picture too:
Yeah, he has some allergies.

It turns out our numbers were almost exactly the same (except most of his were a few points higher than mine).

We are allergic to pretty much every tree and plant that grows around here. So it makes sense that stuff like this (the soccer complex parking lot) causes some problems.Luckily we got some preventative things to help us when that hits again next year.

I had to snap this picture at a fireside at the church a couple weeks ago:
Max is a little taller than his friends...

Lu and I have a little routine every morning.

As soon as the big kids leave we head up and have a little special time getting her ready and making her bed.

I help straighten the comforter but she does the rest, and boy howdy it sure does take a long time because she has to line up all these "guys" just so:

We did the quarter trick to Claire for April Fools Day.We all got a big kick out of that one.

My kids use school supplies to their full potential:

Max made a hatchet with his group at church.

I have to admit, it turned out pretty darn awesome.
Lu could play "pretend" all day long from sun-up to sun-down.
(I'm so glad we pulled that little picnic table out of my friend's trash heap...we have used that sucker SO much.)

It was Field Day at school.

Since Grace is in Student Council she has some special duties when it comes to days like those.
(It looks like one of those duties is that she has to get wet...)

She's had such a great time with that this year. It doesn't hurt to have awesome teacher leaders:
I think this picture gives away how Claire felt about field day:

She suckered me into taking her to lunch after I volunteered over there.
I think her hair-do (post water games) and my lip (winding-down-cold-sore) are a pretty good match.

Lu got to go on a special field trip with her school.

One of the local Jr. High Schools puts on a special carnival for the integrated preschools around here.

She was SO excited and made sure I put her sunscreen, hat and sunglasses on just like her teacher instructed.
I sometimes wish I had an ounce of the power her teacher does with that girl.

We had FHE riding bikes over to our new house.

Here's a sneak-peek of what it looks like:

I love this quote:
(for more about our "quote chalkboard" click HERE)

The Easter Bunny gave Lu some sand stuff for Easter.
She pretty much uses it every day.

Too bad it's over 100 degrees here this week. We're gonna have to shift to using those gems in the pool instead.

Since Dave was in China, my brother Josh took the girls on their annual "Daddy-Daughter-Cowboy-Date."
They sure had a great time.

This picture explains perfectly how fun it is to take four kids to the mall:
(I had the common sense to leave Lu with a babysitter.)

That's why it only happens once in a blue-moon. Only when we're really desperate after we've finished our spring-cleaning-grand-closet-clean-out. (see the part about Claire's jeans above:)

(More on that later.)

soccer wrap-up

noreply@blogger.com (shawni) — Mon, 23 Apr 2012 04:36:00 +0000

Claire finished her second season of soccer with a party.
...and a last game.

And I discovered a new thing about Claire:

Her tongue gives her power.
See that little thing all curled up?

...let's get a closer look:She sure has loved being on the Green Gator team!

And who wouldn't with all those cute girlfriends and awesome Coach Ashby for two seasons in a row?

It's just a shame Ashby is going to have a baby so this can't continue another season! :)