73adoptee: perspectives on adoption

Thank you, Elizabeth. I'd forgotten about that...

2012-01-16T18:50:20.933-06:00

Thank you, Elizabeth. I'd forgotten about that, the "not official" part. The whole thing just makes me madder and madder!

Could we PLEASE dispense with the bullshit and treat adoptees like everyone else?

Triona I support you being a killjoy. I was neithe...

2012-01-16T18:47:08.778-06:00

Triona I support you being a killjoy. I was neither born nor adopted in IL, though I reside here now.

Plus, I think it is absolutely criminal that those who do get their OBC via this new law can't use it for "official" purposes. It really makes my blood boil.

Here's your BC, but wait you can't use it. WTF???

Yet more discrimination, heaped upon discriminination.

I promise I will never forget that you've been left behind.

Elizabeth

Judy - Thank you. It's difficult enough to fin...

2012-01-15T18:50:48.169-06:00

Judy - Thank you. It's difficult enough to find people to support adoptee rights much less those willing to support those rights for *everyone*.

BD - The shenanigans surrounding passage of this bill were unreal. I would not have believed it myself if I hadn't witnessed it firsthand. For those who missed it you can get yourselves an unpleasant taste here:

http://73adoptee.blogspot.com/2010/04/my-experience-at-illinois-hb-5428.html

You are SO right when you say that if we would just stand firm on equality for all, we would be able to look ourselves in the mirror even if we lost. Of all the people who fight against adoptee rights - the misguided, the uninformed, the prejudiced - to me the worst are the yes-men, those who will sell out others to benefit themselves.

You know who you are. And you disgust me.

Another hit out of the ballpark! Of all the rotte...

2012-01-15T17:22:01.849-06:00

Another hit out of the ballpark!

Of all the rotten bills that have been promoted, and sometimes passed,Illinois' the most vile. If it had passed in a vacuum, that would be one thing, but the Feigenholtz Mitchell Gang knew what would happen if their shenanigans had been known before it was too late. They'd have their asses BBQ'd on a skewer. They snuck the bill through, kept it and hearings off the IL leg page, and kept the media quiet. The first time I knew that anyone heard about it, if memory serves me right, was in a very short piece in the St. Louis newspaper. NO Illinois newspapers covered thebil, although during the preevious attempt there'd been a huge media campaign.

Sneaky Sara even had her own special hand-picked committee to run the bill through. Seriously. Her Adoption Committee. Does any other state have one of these committees? Of course not!

Triona, me, BN, IL Open and others did what we could to keep this atrocity from passing, but it was a done deal. The Sen. sponsor was Sara's mentor. He cut off testimony.

This woman needs booted out of office. She screws adpotees and I'd bet the bank she screws her gay constituents, unless they have money. To top if off, SS has even told people she "hates" being a State Rep. Hey, I know a great solution to that problem.

I'd add one thing to what Triona said. The adoption industry may set the rules, but they are aided and abetted by deformres, asskissers, and fully supported by so called "friends" who make their living off the misery of others, like Mitchel and her White Oak Foundation. Like the Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Foundation which claims to support us, but trows us to the dogs every time. At their Hard Rock event last year, Bastard Nation was told sot shut up and sit down when we objected to their bullshit.

Even if a bad billed passed, if the so-called reform movement would Just Say No! in one voice, at least they could walk away with dignity. Instead, we have scum spewing their vermin over us.

Triona, You are correct. It is not right that so...

2012-01-15T13:59:07.288-06:00

Triona,

You are correct. It is not right that some people benefit at the expense of others who are just as deserving. I fear this same type of legislation may get slipped through in NY State also. The Bill of Adoptee Rights there is supposed to be a "clean Bill", but I am worried that powerful anti-adoptee rights groups will influence legislators to alter things at the last minute.

Equal rights and equal access should mean ALL adult adoptees have access to a copy of their original birth certificate, not just some, or most. As long as ANY adult adoptee is denied their equal rights, you keep on pointing this out. Not one single adoptee chose to be relinquished, or to have their original identity locked away, yet they are being punished and controlled like perpetual children throughout adulthood. It is disgusting that in a country like the USA, discrimination still occurs. Without "killjoys", the truth would not be heard. Thank you for remembering that we are all in this together.

Judy

I was also amazed and horrified by the news covera...

2012-01-05T00:45:06.897-06:00

I was also amazed and horrified by the news coverage that painted Steve as a former foundling bastard basically left on a doorstep in a basket after being abandoned by his mother, They fed right into the myth of Moses, a leader who came from a basket in the reeds and grew up to lead masses. His adoption was portrayed as a shady, sketchy past.It seemed archaic and I couldn't believe they were saying it in today's day and age.

I wish I could see the document - it interests me....

2012-01-03T15:35:37.629-06:00

I wish I could see the document - it interests me. My daughter's adoption was done under the auspices of social services. They claimed they were doing a severance (nothing on that was ever filed in the court that they told the judge it was happening in) when they had a relinquishment - which tells me that much more happened than I am even aware of.

I wish you luck and hope you find the answers you are looking for.

I should also point out that I don't want this...

2011-12-29T09:48:33.782-06:00

I should also point out that I don't want this thread hijacked into a flamewar over whether the Primal Wound is accurate. We all have our opinions on it based on personal experience and we aren't necessarily going to agree. Just a friendly reminder to keep the conversation civil, folks.

Most people don't get involved with adoption r...

2011-12-29T09:44:34.484-06:00

Most people don't get involved with adoption reform unless they've had a personal experience being denied information. Perhaps, because people like Jobs and Oprah have other resources available to them for search (eg money, contacts etc) they never found themselves going down that road and therefore never felt the need to fight for our rights.

That being said, I know a number of people in the adoption community who help with reform efforts even though they themselves were able to search and find (or the information was never lost to them). I admire them for sticking with the cause even though they already have their answers.

Anon firstmom- It is interesting that you bring up...

2011-12-29T08:37:22.562-06:00

Anon firstmom-
It is interesting that you bring up N Verrier and the Primal Wound book. I have seen that brought up in discussions and it has always been firstmoms who brought that book to the discussion. In these discussions it seems to be almost used as a tool to dismiss adoptees while infantilizing and portraying us as never being able to function normally because of lost contact with the all omnipotent firstmom. Some of the things I have seen quoted from it are absurd not to mention physically impossible i.e. unborn babies being able to smell things outside the womb while immersed in anniotic fuid inside the sack. Anyway I know that everyone's story is unique and I don't make prejudgements and don't like to see anyone else do that. And I see many people using this or that circumstance in their life as a reason for some action or inaction on their part but I think as adults we need to know that only we are responsible for our lives not anyone else or any situation from our childhood.

I did not know that Steve Jobs was not in favor of open records. I find that very surprising since he did his own search and found and is very close with his bio sister, Mona Simpson. And I know he has met his birthmom and even mentioned her in that famous address he gave to the graduation class (forget what college it was). He could have been a powerful advocate I agree. So could Oprah after being found by her sister who was adopted.

~J~

Anonymous - I think the primal wound exists, but I...

2011-12-28T20:05:16.567-06:00

Anonymous - I think the primal wound exists, but I also think adoptees need to listen to first parents as much as other people need to listen to adoptees. I really didn't understand until I started listening to first mothers and their experiences.

LJ - I'm not saying Jobs fought for adoptee rights. Given Isaacson's infamous "insider access" it doesn't surprise me that some of the stereotypes come from Jobs himself. I'm just disgusted at the level of blatant discrimination against adoptees, made all the more repugnant by the fact that very few people even acknowledge it as a problem. And I think we adoptees have an obligation to ourselves and adoptees of the future to do something about it. Jobs obviously didn't feel the same, he could have made a big difference.

While I agree that the adoption stereotypes are ug...

2011-12-28T19:15:56.648-06:00

While I agree that the adoption stereotypes are ugly, and while I agree that Steve Jobs was an incredible contributor to the world of technology, I never viewed him as one of us. Oh, sure, Steve was adopted. He was even interested in his roots to the point of searching for his first family. But, and this is a huge but, Steve Jobs was against open records!

Your tag line for your blog is "Identity is a basic human right. ALL people deserve equal access to their original birth certificates." Well, Mr. Jobs did not agree with this. He stated "birthparent privacy rights" as his reason for disagreeing with open records.

Mr. Jobs was against legislation in his home state that would have given back to adopted persons the right to access their own factual birth certificates. He could have been a fantastic asset to the equality movement for adopted persons. Instead, he vehemently made his anti-adoptee position known to those who were working hard to pass rights legislation.

My intent is not to speak ill of the dead. Nor is my intent to discount all that Steve Jobs did contribute to the world. But, I think it's important to know that, even though he was an adoptee, he did not support what I consider the highly important issue of equality for adopted persons.

Hello, I'm a firstmom and every time I loudly ...

2011-12-28T17:34:21.793-06:00

Hello, I'm a firstmom and every time I loudly proclaim online that I did not abandon my child, numerous adoptees (yes, adoptees) come forth to proclaim that I did despite the fact that only I know the circumstances surrounding the birth and loss of my child. These same adoptees also claim that they are broken and damaged by the primal wound that was created by adoption and N. Verrier. How can they not see that Verrier is part of the problem and by supporting her they are, in turn, feeding the adoption industry!

J, feel free to sign as whatever. I don't have...

2011-12-28T14:12:48.505-06:00

J, feel free to sign as whatever. I don't have a policy about anonymous posting.

It's amazing how this "broken" attitude is being perpetuated at the same time as unprecedented numbers of adult adoptees are speaking out. A correlation, perhaps? If we are "broken" then whatever we say as adults doesn't matter.

I have major problems with the prevalence of so much "therapy" in our society. What's the difference between someone with a strong individual personality, and someone "in need of therapy?" That goes beyond adoption but adoptees are facing the results of this kind of warped thinking.

Yes, there are legit therapists but I agree with BD, they are few. Far more common are the kind of self-hyped well-paid "professionals" who like to see themselves on talk shows. That's where we get this idea of "broken". If adoptees weren't broken we wouldn't need whole industries of expensive "help."

Most of what is "broken" about adoptees are our civil rights, not ourselves. Our anger about adoptee rights, discrimination, and stereotyping is dismissed as further evidence of "broken". I suspect similar conversations occur during any attempt at reclaiming civil rights (the Civil Rights Era of the 1960s, for example). When people start getting close to being seen as human and therefore equal, the only way to keep them oppressed is to dehumanize them.

Triona-I agree that even when we speak sometimes w...

2011-12-28T13:56:04.584-06:00

Triona-I agree that even when we speak sometimes we are not heard and others like to speak for us as a group. We all have our own stories and opinions.

BD-you are making absolute sense. I have only been involved in online discussions in the last 4 years and until now only in one place. But I was amazed to discover that somehow adoptees are now "broken." And I agree that there are therapists who are writing books and making money by proclaiming we all need fixing. That certainly does nothing to stop the misconceptions and prejudices the public has about us to begin with. I guess I should sign this somehow so I dont get confused with other anons. For now I will just sign as

~J~

And hope no one else is using this intial signature. Sorry but I am not brave enough yet to go public here.

I've got more to say about this probably, but ...

2011-12-28T11:12:59.762-06:00

I've got more to say about this probably, but am short of time right now. What is so wrong about wanting to control your life? If you are not adopted, it's considered an admirable trait (outside of serious control freakiness), but in adoptees it's bad.

You know, I never knew knew adoptees were so "broken" until I got online in 1993. It's a constructed brokeness, created by the therapeutocracy.

I believe that adotion does cause problems, dysfunctions, and sometimes even worse, but follow the money and see whose promoting it. It may start with the adop0tion industry, but as we see in the rights movement, it's the peripheral players-- in the case of "brokeness" therapists, counselors who fuel it. Why are there so few good adoption therapists in the country? (Randy Seversen, Joyce Mcquire Pavio Carol Demuth, Robert Haefetz come to mind)? Beause the therapy industry as a whole makes good money off of adoption from adoptees and both sets of parents. Like good cultists, break you down and build you up in their own image.

Well, I'm rambling and need to go out on an errand. I don't know if I'm making sense. Adoption itself is dysfunctional, and that dysfunction is fueled by many sources as it wends it way out in to the public.

I'm tweeting this.

I'm an adoptee and I think the other anonymous...

2011-12-28T09:03:01.972-06:00

I'm an adoptee and I think the other anonymous replier makes some good points. I was in foster care as baby and toddler and would much rather have been in an adoptive home from birth. Being bounced around in foster homes is not good for babies or children and I sure would not have wanted to be in the care of my birth mother or any of her relatives-ever! I don't think that just being related by blood gives you the right to a child if you are not fit to raise that child. But I do think that we as adoptees have a right to know who our blood relatives are and not have our early lives erased by the courts when the adoption takes place.

I also wish they would actually LISTEN to how we f...

2011-12-28T08:50:06.359-06:00

I also wish they would actually LISTEN to how we feel about adoption instead of assuming or putting words in our mouths. Only we can tell our own stories. I bet if Steve Jobs had wanted to write an autobiography his thoughts on his adoption would have been very different. I don't care what kind of access Isaacson had to him, you don't really understand adoption unless you've lived it.

I agree. Why is his adoption always mentioned and...

2011-12-28T08:24:32.498-06:00

I agree. Why is his adoption always mentioned and why is it so important to bring that up in everything that is written about him. On the other hand, as an adoptee, I am also tired of the stereoptypes being broadcast by many, that adoptees are damaged fragile potential serial killers as well. We are just people like everyone else, individuals, and all unique and I wish that people could just see this simple fact and just see us as people, not adoptees.

Hey, Improper - yeah, I hear you, way too much neg...

2011-12-21T15:45:39.315-06:00

Hey, Improper - yeah, I hear you, way too much negativity lately in adoption circles. It feels good to be back and thanks so much for reading.

Hey Tri-how are you? I haven't been around for...

2011-12-21T13:52:54.126-06:00

Hey Tri-how are you? I haven't been around for awhile either-to much negativity from psychos :) We all need a break. I LOVE your new layout and I am glad to see you back. I hope you have a wonderful holiday and my best to you and yours.

Definitely - to all!

2011-12-09T10:22:55.270-06:00

Definitely - to all!

Thanks, Lorraine. It was a difficult decision proc...

2011-12-06T11:55:02.851-06:00

Thanks, Lorraine. It was a difficult decision process but I feel healthier for it. You just can't do adoption 24/7 without consequences, it's too stressful. I know how well you know that from your own personal experiences.

Trion: You go girl! Your list of stuff you will n...

2011-12-06T11:36:28.646-06:00

Trion: You go girl! Your list of stuff you will not do is healthy, and I look forward to the day when I do the same, actually. There is life after adoption.

Good luck!

Thank you for sharing.

2011-11-30T00:51:37.127-06:00

Thank you for sharing.