Original Air Date: October 9, 1992

Previously on OUM: Someone bought a car, and that was the majority of the plot. They wouldn’t dare do that in back-to-back weeks, right?

You can watch full episodes of Family Matters with a subscription to HBO Max.

If you missed the last recap, you can read it here. Any “Only Urkel Matters” that you may have missed can be found here.

If you find yourself befuddled by anything written in this blog, or you’ve forgotten what specific abbreviations stand for, check out the Glossary I’ve made to clear up such confusions!

Only Urkel Matters is on Instagram! Check us out for the best Urkel content on The Gram (including sneak peeks of columns!) You should also like 7th Evan on Facebook, so you’ll know the moment an OUM is available!  And why not, follow me on Twitter so I can get my follower count to a respectable number. You can call it X while you do it, if you’d like.

Cold Open:

Carl and Harriette are dancing alone in the living room.  It’s clear that for the first time in a long while, they have a chance to be romantic.  Carl claps his hands, and the lights dim.  So suave.  He then sweetens the pot by offer her a little bit of the bubbly.  It seems like we’re headed for yet another mouth to feed in the Winslow household, but luckily, the world’s greatest contraceptive arrives in the form of Steven Q. Urkel. The Urkman is excited because he just completed a hundred hour course in trumpeting.  Carl asks him to leave so that he and his bride can have some discretionary times, and not only does Steve understand, he attempts to help in the wooing of Harriette by playing them a song.  Unfortunately, he plays a note so high that it shatters the champagne glasses, potentially ruining the evening and certainly enraging Le Champion.  We never find out if Carl managed to seal the deal regardless of Urkel’s antics.

The Story:

Carl is pissed at Steve, because he ruined a perfectly good (and according to him, expensive) bottle of wine.  Urkel, far from feeling contrite, questions how costly the bottle really is.  This is the last straw for Carl, and he tells Steve to leave.  Steve does leave, but not before getting in one of his newer catchphrases: “I don’t have to take this.  I’m going home.”  Harriette wants to resume their evening, but Carl is still furious, and he complains about the Urkman for a while.  Suddenly, he becomes faint, and nearly passes out onto the couch.  Harriette is immediately concerned, but Carl, sure that he can still get some, convinces her that he’s good to go for the evening.  Harriette acquiesces, on the condition that Carl agree to go see his doctor in the morning.

Later, Laura is headed out for the afternoon when she runs into Hurricane Urkel coming in through the backdoor.  He serenades her with a rendition of Right Said Fred’s “I’m Too Sexy.”  I haven’t heard or thought about this song in decades, so it made me laugh to recall how huge it was while I watched the world’s greatest physical comedian bust a move to it:

Laura tells Steve that he isn’t too sexy for anything, which is a great line.  When Urkel asks her where she’s going, the eldest Winslow daughter tells him that she’s headed for the mall, and “before you ask, the answer is no.”  Urkel, quick as a whip, wants to know what the question was.  When she tells him “Can I go to the mall with you?” and he tells her “Sure, baby, let’s go.”  Urkel has avoided getting bullied several times just by using his wit, and I guess he’s now trying to use this strategy to woo his lady love as well.  I support this; play to your strengths, my guy.  Eddie comes down the stairs, and he’s also singing and dancing to “I’m too Sexy,” which is a huge coincidence, because I was just thinking about that song seven sentences ago.  I’ve noticed that they’re trying to hide their sexualization of Laura by oversexualizing Eddie, which is a good idea, because I didn’t notice this at all until I started watching these episodes closely enough to write 3,000 words about them.  Laura tells Eddie that his favorite sister needs a ride in her big brother’s car.  Eddie asks her why Judy didn’t just ask him for the ride, laughs, and then walks into the living room.  From Laura’s reaction, I know we’re supposed to think that she’s mad that he pulled one over on her, but I think that this is when she decides that she’s going to kill Judy.  I mean, just look at how mad Laura gets when it’s implied that someone likes Judy better:

To calm her bloodlust, Laura resumes her discussion with Urkel.  She tells him that not having a car is wack (which is probably the first time that yours truly, a five-year-old white boy at the time, heard the word “wack”) and that she is going to go steady with the next guy with wheels who asks her out.  She walks out the door, leaving Steve standing in the kitchen with an “I have an idea” look on his face:

I thought for sure that we were going to see what he was thinking in a bubble above his head, but since they didn’t go that way with it, let me show you what I think it would have looked like:

Later, Carl comes home in his policeman’s uniform to find Harriette and Rachel sitting on the living room couch.  Harriette is relieved to see her husband, and asks him if he’s seen the doctor.  Carl tells her that he did; his blood pressure is a little high, but he’s fine.  Rachel asks him what it was, and Carl tells her that it was 160/98.  Rachel reacts poorly to this (remember, she’s a health nut who serves milkshakes for a living), but Carl insists that he’s fine.  All he needs to do is control his temper.  To help him do this, his doctor has given him a mantra, one that could be heard on a regular basis in my house growing up: “Three, two, one.  One, two, three.  What the heck is bothering me?”  I just sent my brother a voice message:

This was his response:

As you can see, to say that this was a mantra that was repeated many times in my household would be a substantial understatement.

We go forward in time and see Eddie and Laura rushing outside.  Eddie tells his sister that Steve has a surprise for her, and mentions that it’ll be something out of her nightmare.  Maybe he meant “wet dreams,” because look at this stud:

Steve informs Laura that he’s got a car, so she’s contractually obligated to be his girlfriend.  Laura knows that will never hold up in court, and she walks away after pointing out that Steve gets into accidents without the added risk for vehicular homicide.  Eddie makes fun of the car too, but Urkel isn’t phased by either of them.  He asks Eddie to teach him to drive it.  Both of the Winslow kids are using common sense (maybe for the first time ever) and Eddie declines, citing as a reason that he doesn’t want to die in “something that looks like that.”

Later, Carl is in the kitchen gabbing with his mother when the Urkman walks in.  Carl, realizing that he needs to get his blood pressure down, wisely tells him to kick rocks.  Steve ignores this, because his parents never taught him any boundaries (lock them up, throw away the key).  Urkel asks Carl if he’ll teach him to drive, and Carl naturally balks at this.  Estelle, however, thinks it will be the perfect opportunity to test out his new mantra, and convinces Carl to help Steve.  Carl tells Urkel that if he wants his neighbor’s help, he’ll have to try extremely hard not to annoy him.  Steve excitedly agrees, and then rips Carl’s shirt clean off.  For some reason, this doesn’t immediately void their agreement.

Steve drags Carl out into the driveway, where Carl gets a first look at the Urkster’s brand new vehicle.  To Steve’s chagrin, Carl can barely control his laughter, and makes a good joke about how you don’t get in the car, you wear it.  The two enter the vehicle, and Carl begins to explain the basics of driving.  Upon turning the ignition, Urkel goes mad with excitement, and backs straight into the Winslow’s garage, which is apparently made of papier-mâché:

Go ahead, check me on that spelling.  I’m fancy, bitch.  Carl is justifiably distraught at the destruction of his garage, and we get another Jaleel White/RVJ masterclass in physical comedy:

(Family Matters)

As Carl attempts to get his hands on Steve, he begins to feel dizzy.  Steve goes off to get help as Carl leans against the car, experiencing what is basically every heavyset dad’s worst nightmare.  I mean, he’s gotta be thinking heart attack, right?  What a transition, going from pure comedy to potential tragedy in the blink of an eye.  I hope that the team at Family Matters were grateful to have such a tour de force of an actor at their disposal.

Conclusion:

Carl is sitting on his couch, being profusely apologized to by Urkel.  Harriette comes in asks to speak to her husband alone.  Steve decides now is the time he will respect their privacy, and does not try to fix the problem with trumpet playing.  Once they are alone, Harriette drops a bomb: she just got off the phone with the doctor, and Carl neglected to tell her that his doctor advised him to lay off the salt and fat to help with his high blood pressure.  Not only that, the “three two one, one two three” bit was not recommended by the doctor at all, but was something Carl read in a book while sitting in the waiting room.  Harriette asks Carl why he would lie like this, and Carl explains to her that he didn’t want to to exercise or give up donuts.  Harriette tells him that he is being selfish, and that she can’t bear the thought of Carl not being there to see his kids get married and have children of their own.  It’s actually pretty touching.  Carl is also moved, and he tells her that he loves her as the credits start to roll.

Tag: 

Whoa, a rare tag at the end of the episode!  This is filler, but at least it’s worthwhile clown car filler:

(Family Matters)

I notice Judy didn’t get out of the car.  Hmmm. 

Join me next time, when I break down Episode 4.4, “Rumor Has It.”

 Please share this post on your favorite brand of social media by clicking its respective icon below. It really makes a huge difference in the amount of people who’ll read it, which I appreciate greatly.

Original Air Date: October 2, 1992

Previously on OUM: Carl and Steve duked it out in an episode of American Gladiators.  It was delcared a tie, but the real winner was the viewing public.

You can watch full episodes of Family Matters with a subscription to HBO Max.

If you missed the last recap, you can read it here. Any “Only Urkel Matters” that you may have missed can be found here.

If you find yourself befuddled by anything written in this blog, or you’ve forgotten what specific abbreviations stand for, check out the Glossary I’ve made to clear up such confusions!

Only Urkel Matters is on Instagram! Check us out for the best Urkel content on The Gram (including sneak peeks of columns!) You should also like 7th Evan on Facebook, so you’ll know the moment an OUM is available!  And why not, follow me on Twitter so I can get my follower count to a respectable number. You know, before Elon Musk destroys the whole thing.

Before we begin, I’d like to address a couple of things that your fellow readers pointed out to me during the last week on the 7thEvan Facebook page.  First, as Matt Elliot pointed out to me, I’ve been spelling NLR’s name correctly for the entirety of this blog’s run.  It’s “Richie,” not Ritchie.  Second, Andrae Coleman shared an interesting Instagram post on that same page.  It’s a video of Shawn Harrison explaining how they shot the basketball scene in the opening credits, and it’s definitely worth a watch.  The man speaks so eloquently! Without further ado, here is Episode 4.2 of Only Urkel Matters:

Cold Open:

Carl and Laura are in the kitchen making a sandwich, and oh boy, is Carl ever in his happy place:

Have you ever seen someone groove so hard while making a sandwich?  The man is living his best life.  His incredible high comes crashing down almost immediately, because Hurricane Urkel blows in through the back door.  He’s got a stool stuck to the back of his pants, so naturally, Laura asks him why he is stuck to a stool.  Steve disagrees with this sentiment, and tells her that it is the stool that is stuck to him.  As he says this, he saunters towards her, and creates a fantastic visual:

Jaleel White never takes a scene off.  This is just a segment about him making a mistake, and he includes a wag of his stool-tail.  I legitimately burst out laughing at that.  The phone rings, and Laura walks over to answer.  It’s Steve’s mother Roberta on the line, and she’s calling to let Steve know that the super glue he’s created (you know, the one that got a stool stuck to his rear) has imprisoned her inside the bathtub.  Good thing she kept her phone nearby.  Remember, there aren’t cell phones yet, so this was a landline she’s calling from.  Steve tells his mother that he’s on his way, and wheels his way out of the house.  He doesn’t judge his trajectory correctly, however, so he crashes into something off screen.  He’s been doing a lot of off-camera breaking of shit, which is why we haven’t seen an update to the SUB-total in a while.  Actually, If I’m being honest, I completely forgot about the Shit Urkel Broke total since my hiatus, and I’m going to have to go back and figure out what I’ve missed.

The Story:

Carl is in the living room reading the newspaper when Eddie walks in.  He pretends to join his father in reviewing the days’ events, but Carl realizes quickly that his son has ulterior motives.  Eddie wants Carl to buy him a car, and it seems like this isn’t the first time that they’ve had this discussion.  Carl explains that he can’t afford to buy Eddie a car now and send him to college in a year’s time.  Eddie suggests that he is willing to sacrifice college in favor of a vehicle.  Carl simply rolls his eyes.  

Later, Carl is in the kitchen, furiously scribbling away on a notepad.  Harriette, sensing Carl’s agitation, asks him what’s bothering him.  It turns out that Carl has been trying to figure out a way to be able to afford to buy Eddie a car.  What a guy!  It actually made me a little emotional watching Carl explain that when he held his baby boy for the first time, he made a promise to himself that he would give Eddie everything he ever needed.  Harriette tells him that he has made good on that promise, and that a car is not a necessity.  She also suggests to Carl that he buy Eddie a “clunker” that he and his son could fix up together.  Carl loves this idea, and I do too.  He gets to make Eddie’s dream come true and stay within his budget, all while spending quality time together, and he won’t even have to almost die in a frozen pond to do it.

Laura and Urkel walk in through the front door, and Steve is still bragging about his super glue (which he’s dubbed “Wacky Tacky”).  Laura doesn’t care about Wacky Tacky one single iota, and she asks him if she can use it to glue his lips shut forever.  Steve is taken aback, which I guess makes sense since his lady love just suggested that she would really dig it if he starved to death.  The Urkman tells her that she should really start appreciating him, because it’s not like the man of her dreams is right outside her door.  He then goes to leave, and standing outside her door is another in a long line of creepy potential suitors for Laura.  I won’t deny that he is a handsome man, but my dude has got the crazy eyes:

His name is Ted Curran, and he’s a door-to-door candy salesman.  He immediately uses the cheesy pickup line, “Laura, you are beautiful.  Is that my heart pounding, or am I still knocking on the door?”  Laura, as she loves to do, falls for this immediately.  She deserves the inevitable heartbreak.  Is this what gets girls in high school?  This may surprise you, but I was not very debonair in my youth.  I wasn’t always the suave Urkel blogger that you know and love today.  Anyway, Ted asks Laura out instantly (which actually is the move), and she agrees to go out with him that very night, much to Urkel’s dismay.

Eddie is in the kitchen, and Carl excitedly runs in to tell him that he’s purchased him a car.  Eddie freaks out, and they go outside to check it out.  I was ready for Eddie’s disappointment, but I honestly didn’t expect this to go down this way:

(Family Matters)

I don’t know how I didn’t see this coming.  Carl needed a car on the cheap, and he’s a police officer.  Where else would he look?  This actually reminds me of my second vehicle, a used work truck that I purchased from my father’s company.  The only difference is that the 2005 Dodge Ram that I purchased from my father was (and still is) my dream car, so my reaction once I saw it was more like Eddie in the kitchen, not outside.

Carl proudly divulges to his offspring that he bought the car from a police auction, which is hilarious, because where the heck else could it have come from?  Eddie informs his father that he’s been cheated.  Carl is baffled, because he hasn’t even told his son what he paid for it yet.  Eddie tells his father that if he paid anything for this vehicle, he’s been cheated.  Carl understands his son’s skepticism, but he’s super excited to begin working on the car, and he begins to sell his vision to Eddie:

(Family Matters)

God, RVJ is a master at his craft.  This is a nothing scene.  I mean that, almost nothing is accomplished here, but the man is riveting and quit funny.  Darius McCray as Eddie is also wonderful here, reacting to his father’s whimsy in a believable way.  It’s not often that I gush about a scene in this show that Jaleel White is not present for, but these two actors put in fantastic work. 

Later, Laura is getting ready for her date.  She has a broken earring, so naturally, she asks Urkel to glue it back together with some Wacky Taffy.  This, of course, is a terrible idea, since Steve’s mother has already gotten herself stuck to the tub.  During the process of repairing the earring, Steve accidentally glues his hand to Laura’s shoulder.  Was this his plan all along?  Maybe.  Laura, now panicking because Ted is due to arrive at any moment, tells the Urkman to use the solvent.  Steve sheepishly tells her that it hasn’t been invented yet, which means two things: first, that Laura’s date with Ted is almost certainly doomed, and second, it means that Steve’s mother is definitely still in that bathtub.  The doorbell rings, and instead of immediately coming clean with the situation when Ted walks through the door, Laura and Steve try to play it casual by pretending they’re just chilling on the couch together.  Not sure why either one of them thought that might work, but Ted isn’t buying any of this, especially when Urkel tells him that Laura is grounded for killing a man.  Laura tries to come clean, but since she’s already told him several lies, Ted thinks the truth also sounds phony. He storms out of the house, and Laura’s shoulders sag in disappointment.

Carl walks out to the driveway to see a pair of legs already under Eddie’s new car.  He tells Eddie that he understand why he would get started without his father, since Carl himself couldn’t be more excited to work on the car.  Unfortunately, the pair of legs doesn’t belong to Eddie, they belong to Waldo, who is moved by Carl’s excitement to work with him.  The real Eddie joins them, and Carl tells him that he thought the two of them were going to do this together.  Eddie tells his father that they can do that another time, but he thought it would be fun to do it with Waldo.  Carl walks away glumly.  Harriette, who was gardening and witnessed this whole exchange, comes over and asks Waldo if she can have a word with Eddie in private.  Waldo obliges.  Once Waldo is kind of out of earshot, Harriette admonishes Eddie.  She informs her son that Carl was excited to spend time with Eddie that he barely slept a wink.  I have to hand it to Harriette, she’s really patient with Eddo.  This is at least the second time he’s had to learn this lesson.

Conclusion:

We flash forward six weeks, and damn, that car is looking good!  In fact, I might go as far as to say that it’s looking fine.  Eddie tells Carl that he knows this was expensive, but that he wouldn’t have traded the experience of building the car with his father for the world.  Carl chokes up at this, but to save face, he tells Eddie that he shouldn’t keep the ladies waiting for a ride with the “E-Man.”  Am I going to call Eddie the E-Man from time to time now?

Eddie comes back from his raid on Castle Greyskull long enough to explain to his father that the girls can wait, because he’s got to go pick up his best friend.  He drives about six inches, opens the door, and says, “Get in, Dad.”  Now it’s my turn to get choked up.  They got me, gang.  It’s corny as hell, but they got me.

Tag:

Whoa, the episode isn’t over?  But we’ve already had our emotional resolution!  I know Family Matters has had tags before, but for my money, this is the first true tag, because you could have completely deleted this scene and we wouldn’t have been denied a satisfying conclusion.  Laura is in the kitchen looking very pretty, which an entering Urkel informs her of.  She tells him that she is going on a date with Ted, and that she has a plan to keep Steve out of her business for the evening.  When the Urkster scoffs at this, she tells him that she’ll explain everything to him if he gets her a soda.  This plan is so elegant in its simplicity.  She knows that her neighbor is such a pandering simp that he won’t be able to resist any task she sets in front of him.  Steve opens the fridge and gets said soda, but is unable to proceed from there, because he is now stuck to the handle of the fridge.  Laura has used his own invention against him, and because he has yet to invent a solvent, the Wacky Tacky will keep Urkel from meddling in Laura’s date.  She leaves, and Urkel is stuck in the kitchen, impressed with her ingenuity despite himself.  The episode ends with Ted taking Laura’s virginity in the back room at Rachel’s Place.  Obviously, that’s a lie, but I needed to make sure that you were paying attention.  The episode actually ends with Steve searching for light and finding it in the refrigerator.  He also finds some cheese.

Join me next time, when I break down episode 4.3, “Driving Carl Crazy,” a seminal episode in the Donohue household.  But for now, let’s talk about the title of this episode, “Dance to the Music.”  This tells me that the most important part of the episode was Carl dancing while making a sandwich.  Hard to argue with that.  See you soon.

Please share this post on your favorite brand of social media by clicking its respective icon below. It really makes a huge difference in the amount of people who’ll read it, which I appreciate greatly.

Original Air Date: September 18, 1992

Previously on OUM: Urkel wrote a short story in which he had Laura choose going to prison over being with him.  I guess we all try to write our truth.

You can watch full episodes of Family Matters with a subscription to HBO Max.

If you missed the last recap, you can read it here. Any “Only Urkel Matters” that you may have missed can be found here.

If you find yourself befuddled by anything written in this blog, or you’ve forgotten what specific abbreviations stand for, check out the Glossary I’ve made to clear up such confusions!

Only Urkel Matters is on Instagram! Check us out for the best Urkel content on The Gram (including sneak peeks of columns!) You should also like 7th Evan on Facebook, so you’ll know the moment an OUM is available!  And why not, follow me on Twitter so I can get my follower count to a respectable number. I’m funny there, I promise.

Cold Open:

Steve comes barreling into Rachel’s Place wearing knee pads and a helmet.  Laura, who desn’t fucking need this today, tells him that he’s late for his shift.  The Urkman informs her that he is late because he was working on a way to be more efficient at his job.  He has done so by making modifications to his skateboard:

It’s a scooter.  Steve invented the motorized scooter.  Alas, this brilliant invention does nothing for Steve at work, and he predictably and promptly crashes into a very angry looking man.  I get his anger, that seems like a terrible thing to happen to you at a dining establishment, but you know that milkshake is going to be very free.  The Urkster gives him a quick, “Did I do that?” and we cut to the opening credits.

Opening Credits:

As is my custom in the first episode of a season, I wrote down all of the changes made in the intros from season to season:

·      They replaced Carl coming down the stairs with a shot of him coming in from a day on the streets and hanging his hat on a coatrack.

·      They exchanged Harriette setting flowers down inside with a shot of her gardening outside.  She’s in a business suit, so it seems like she is also coming home from work.  You know, I’m starting to feel like they’re not giving JMP enough to do.  She’s so talented, if you don’t count her ability to run.   She’s much more than “a lady who likes flowers.”

·      Estelle has gone from reading a magazine to swinging a tennis racket around, which makes much more sense for a woman who plays hockey, does karate, hula dances, beats the bag out of women half her age in tennis, goes on solo fishing expeditions, makes impossible pool shots, plays the trumpet like a long-time jazz musician, was the Rosa Parks of her small-town library, and thwarts robbers with the common snow shovel.

·      Eddie has gone from simply wiping down his car to installing douchebag lights on it.

·      Instead of working a shift at Rachel’s Place, Laura is now looking in the mirror to see if a dress will fit her properly.  Laura has done a good deal of growing up since the previous season, and since I’m a classy motherflower, I’ll leave it at that.

·      Judy (AKA dead man walking) has progressed from putting something in a dollhouse to studying on the couch.

·      NLR has stopped dancing like MJ, and returned to riding a bike, this time with two wheels instead of there.  I’d love it if every other season he lost a wheel.  Unicycle in season six, walking casually in season seven.  By the way, we’re in season four now; is it time to stop calling him NLR, and just call him Ritchie?  Not sure how much longer we should honor a baby’s stake to the character, and as we know, Bryton McClure eventually gets better.  I’ll put a story poll up on the 7thEvan Facebook later this week.

·      In the previous season, Urkel came after NLR, but now Waldo Geraldo Faldo is getting hit in the head with a basketball.  I could have sworn that he had already been in the credits, but I couldn’t find any proof of this after going back and looking.  Well, welcome to the main cast, you absolute stud!  It’s a well-deserved promotion for Shawn Harrison,

·      The Urkman is no longer playing accordion.  Now, he’s desperately trying to get into the Winslow house while Carl, Harriette, Laura, and Eddie attempt to keep him out.  When I think of the Family Matters theme song, that is the image that comes to my head.  I’d love to know yours!

·      Telma Hopkins is still just putting down menus, and she’s still super hot.

·      I don’t know if it’s because they added Shawn Harrison to the credits, but they’ve also decided to remove the “smother the blues with ten-der-nessss” portion of the song, as well as the random clips like Carl and Harriette dancing and Waldo getting hit by Lowell.  It’s interesting how some shows add time to the credits (e.g., Psych, Entourage) and some remove time (e.g., this show, New Girl).   This shorter version is the one I would have sang to you if you asked me before I started writing this blog to sing the song off the top of my head.

The Story:

Carl and Eddie are on the roof of the Winslow house, trying to install a new satellite dish so they can watch “tonight’s World Bikini Contest,” which, of course, isn’t a thing these days, because we’re all supposed to pretend that fit girls aren’t attractive anymore and that Lizzo is the belle of the proverbial ball.  Cancel me, daddy.

Downstairs, Hurricane Urkel comes through the front door and catches Laura as she tries to sneak away.  Upon hearing him ask her, “where is everybody?” I knew that we have finally arrived at an inevitable problem that plagued Family Matters for the rest of its run: Jaleel White was eventually going to go through puberty, and he would not be able to do the Urkel voice the same way that caused him to become a star, Family Matters to become relevant, and Lee Norris to get the boot from Boy Meets World (I’m still a little hurt by the lack of Minkus in season two of BMW).  The choice to make Jaleel White do his very best to continue to do this nasally voice as his became suave and debonair was really the only one they could have made, but it was one that got weirder and weirder by the year.  Laura ducks his question, simply telling him that everyone is out.  Then, as she is wont to do, Laura threatens violence to thwart off Steve’s sexual advances, and retreats when he is instead turned on by said threats.

We cut back up to the roof, where Eddie warns Carl to be careful with the wires.  Carl tells his son not to worry, since the wires are not plugged in.

Family Matters wouldn’t be Family Matters if we didn’t cut back to the living room, where the Urkman realizes that there is a loose wire, and decides to plug it in, which no one would ever do.  On the roof, Carl is electrocuted, using graphics that are the clear result of an Urkel related increase in budget:

Eddie tries to save his father by grabbing him, but that’s not how electricity works, so he gets shocked as well.  Carl is able to separate his hands, and they both recover slowly from what I can only assume is an incredibly painful ordeal.   Carl and Eddie look each other in the eye, and as they slowly shift from shock (teehee) to anger, they both exclaim, “Steve!”

Later, the Winslow ladies (Judy isn’t there, do I even need to say this anymore?) are in the living room.  Waldo comes in with a determined look in his eye, and he heads straight for the chimney, where he explains that the TV is “real dark.”  Of course, it isn’t on.  Harriette turns it on, and begins flipping through the channels.  Waldo reports to Carl that the channels won’t stop changing.  This is just the same bad joke twice.  Do you know how hard you have to try to keep me from laughing at Waldo Geraldo Faldo?  It’s nearly impossible.  Harriette has settled on a channel featuring American Gladiators.  This show was the jam in the nineties.  It’s similar to what American Ninja Warrior is today, in that if you stumble across it while drinking, you’re flat-out not changing the channel.  Waldo and Estelle explain the premise to Harriette while Rachel runs it down.  I’m not really sure why she hates it.  I recently praised the writers for their ability to explain things to the audience while still creating compelling content, but this scene did not do that.  It was just kind of boring, and that word should not be used to describe a scene with Estelle and Waldo in it.  The only thing you really need to know is that Waldo has a cousin who is loosely affiliated with American Gladiators.

We return to the roof, where the Urkmeister has joined the Winslow men, much to their displeasure.  Urkel takes a turn getting electrocuted, and then tells Carl that he should have used masonry screws instead of wooden ones.  Carl balks at this, and tells him that wood screws will work just fine.  I know the kid is annoying, and extremely clumsy, but he’s also built a goddam robot and a mother-flipping jet pack.  He knows his way around building things.  Steve insists that he’s right, and Carl has had it:

(Family Matters)

“Get off this roof, get off this roof, get off this roof” is classic Carl Winslow, and RVJ nails this line reading, as usual.  Steve tries to leave, and naturally begins to slide off the roof.  He grabs at Eddie, who in turn grabs Carl.  Carl saves them all by grabbing onto the antenna, but as the Urkman predicted, it can’t hold their weight.  They all fall to the ground, and Steve says sarcastically, “wood screws are good enough.”  He’s saying this to himself, though, because Carl and Eddie are dead.

Later, Carl and Eddie are returning from the hospital, supported at each side by a member of the family.  Steve comes in a few moments later, annoyed that no one even offered to help him in.  He demands an apology from Carl, who rightfully balks at this suggestion.  Carl points out all of the annoying things that Urkel has done that day, which is a long list that somehow does not include the sentence “also, you electrocuted us.”  Carl tells Steve to go home, which Urkel is only too happy to do, until Carl insists that he never come back.  Steve has the balls to tell a grown man in his own home “I’ll come over here any time I want to, and you can’t stop me.”  This legitimately pissed me off, until I remembered that Steve did win a bet that stipulated that he could come over anytime he wants.  But then, I remembered that Carl actually won this bet, and was kind enough to pretend that Captain Urk had won, and I got mad again.  I would have lost my mind if this teenage shrimp had the gumption to say this to me in the house that I owned.  Carl obviously agrees, as he finally loses his cool, and the whole family has to hold him back.  Steve tells him to bring it, and the two of them may have come to blows if it wasn’t for the voice of reason, Waldo Geraldo Faldo:

(Family Matters)

We come back to the action, where the American Gladiator hosts, Larry Csonka and Mike Adamle, interview “Bone Crusher” (Carl) and Hurricane (Steve).  It’s a nice touch to have Steve choose to revel in the “Hurricane Urkel” moniker instead of shying away from it.  I don’t have any prior experience with Csonka, but if you’re a big wrestling guy like I am, you might recognize Adamle for his time as the worst GM in Monday Night RAW history.  I had planned on posting a link to some of his bigger gaffes in that capacity, but sadly when I researched him I found out that a lot of his troubles were due to CTE.  He’s taken those problems and done something super positive with them, as you can see in this video. Anyway, we learn that Carl and Steve have made a bet.  If Carl wins the competition, Steve can never come to the Winslow house again.  But if the Urkman wins, Carl must apologize.

The first event is the joust, in which the contestants get ten points if they can knock their opponents off a pedestal.  Bit on the nose, if you ask me.  I was surprised to see that Carl and Steve do not go head-to-head in every event (I have almost no recollection of how American Gladiators worked).  Steve goes one-on-one with a guy named “Turbo.”  Waldo asks Steve where his glasses are, and the Urkman informs him that he’s wearing contacts.  True to form, Waldo tells him that he doesn’t care who Steve knows, he just wants to know where his glasses are.  Good, he’s back at Peak Faldo.  I was worried for a second.  I’d climb to the top of Peak Faldo, but I’m pretty sure Maxine is the only one allowed to climb that mountain.  Kind of a spoiler, but you don’t think of that joke and not write it!  Urkel swings his pugil stick with all his might, but Turbo no-sells it like Hogan in his prime.  Steve immediately shifts to a Viper vs The Mountain strategy, but ducking and dodging only works for so long before he is unceremoniously knocked off his pedestal.  Laura rushes to his side, and tells El Urkelrino to quit before he gets hurt.  Steve takes this as a sign that he should keep going as long as he can, for some reason.

Carl too must face Turbo, but Turbo gets a little too big for his britches and does the “too slow” handshake bit:

He must’ve gotten cocky after obliterating a ninety-pound teenager.  Carl is a grown-ass man, though, and after taking a couple of hits he unseats Turbo to gain a ten-point lead in the competition.  Harriette never read a book on sportsmanship, and she rushes into the arena to get a few cheap shots in on poor Turbo.  Screw Ric Flair, Harriette is the dirtiest player in the game.  There, pretty sure that reaches my “wrestling reference” quota for one blog.  Not sure why the American Gladiator security team is just letting anyone run down from the stands, but I don’t know what their protocols are.  Turbo goes down like a ton of bricks.  What was in that handbag, gold bars?

The next event is The Wall.  The two contestants get a short head start, and then two gladiators follow them up the wall and try to bring them down.  You get ten points if you can climb the wall before getting pulled off.  Carl is caught almost immediately, but the Urkman gets a little further.  He’s almost to the top, but the gladiator (Saber) catches up and grabs his foot.  Urkel pulls off a classic “made you look” ruse, and kicks poor Saber down the wall.  He makes it to the top and earns his ten points.  Heading into the final event, Urkel and Carl are tied.

The concluding event is “The Eliminator,” which is a smorgasbord of activities designed to test every level of the contestants’ athleticism.  Fortunately, this graphic lists all of the tasks, so I don’t have to:

Conclusion:

If you haven’t seen this episode, I highly suggest you check out the ending at the very least.  It’s a very entertaining race, with Steve and Carl both excelling at their strong events and struggling with their weakest.  It comes down to the gauntlet, which they both valiantly struggle through, and it’s so close that the result is a photo finish:

When the two contestants are informed that they have tied (the first in American Gladiator history), they are intrigued for a second, until Adamle tells them that they’ll have to run through The Eliminator again to decide a winner.  The prospect of going through this ordeal a second time causes Carl and Steve to rethink their feud.  They talk why they were hurt by each other’s actions, and they make up, even though they already knew what the other person’s beef with them was.  Additionally, no one apologizes.  Urkel, to his credit, tells Carl that he loves him.  Carl can’t muster the strength to return the love, but he does tell Steve that he admires his persistence.  They hug, and the episode ends.  What an unsatisfying ending for the American Gladiator audience.

Join me next time, when I break down Episode 4.2, “Dance to the Music.”

Please share this post on your favorite brand of social media by clicking its respective icon below. It really makes a huge difference in the amount of people who’ll read it, which I appreciate greatly.

Original Air Date: May 8, 1992

Previously on OUM: Urkel went on a dating show to make Laura jealous, won, spit in the face of an all-expenses-paid trip to Hawaii with a beautiful coed, and got rejected once again by his lady love.  Just a cornucopia of bad decisions.

You can watch full episodes of Family Matters with a subscription to HBO Max.

If you missed the last recap, you can read it here. Any “Only Urkel Matters” that you may have missed can be found here.

If you find yourself befuddled by anything written in this blog, or you’ve forgotten what specific abbreviations stand for, check out the Glossary I’ve made to clear up such confusions!

Only Urkel Matters is on Instagram! Check us out for the best Urkel content on The Gram (including sneak peeks of columns!) You should also like 7th Evan on Facebook, so you’ll know the moment an OUM is available! 

The Story:

Laura and Rachel are closing down Rachel’s Place when Laura finds what appears to be a screenplay left on one of her tables.  It’s a short story called “Farewell, My Laura,” by Steven Q. Urkel.  Apparently, Steve has been very mysterious about said story, and it’s driven Laura crazy enough that she and Rachel start to read it.  Finally, the Urkman has done something right; by being mysterious, he has piqued Laura’s interest.  He should apply this logic to his endeavor to win her heart.  We hear Steve’s voice begin to read his story, and then fade into a detective spoof using flashback blur.

The Urkman is sitting at a desk, feet propped up.  He’s wearing a detective’s hat, which he throws towards a coatrack by the door.  He misses, and we see a pile of hats, implying both that he’s been trying this for a while and that he has a never ending supply of hats.  Okay, Family Matters, you’ve got my attention.  Urkel’s voiceover, which is accompanied by generic saxophone detective music,  tells us that this is an ordinary Tuesday (sandwiched between a Wednesday and a Thursday, as Voice Over Steve points out) in 1946.  Maxine is in the corner, and we find out that she’s the one playing the saxophone.  Urkel introduces himself as Johnny Danger, which is exactly the right name.  They’re cramming as much silly shit into one scene as possible, which, as you know, is the key to my heart.  Drums are heard in the background, and a silhouette of Laura appears in the glass at the door.  Laura walks into the room and seats herself in front of Maxine’s desk, which is about three feet away from Johnny Danger’s.  She tells Max that she’s here to see Johnny, and Maxine and Johnny go through the motions of using the intercom, even though everyone in the office can plainly see each other.  This is actual comedy, gang.  Believe it or not, I’ve laughed out loud several times, and I almost never do anymore at this point in the recaps.  I’m genuinely excited to be writing this for you.  Danger tells Max to show Laura (whose last name is Wigglesworth in this story) in, and Laura walks the three feet over to Johnny’s desk.  While she walks, the drum plays again, and Johnny Danger bobs his head to the beat, breaking the fourth wall and showing us that he can hear it too.  Danger gets a good look at Laura, and falls backwards in his chair, finally replacing Vince McMahon Chair as my go-to “sexual arousal” gif:

This comes not a moment too soon, as well.  Vince McMahon’s horniness isn’t really a good look these days.  Anyway, Laura tells Johnny Danger that someone is trying to kill her aunt, Rachel Crawfish.  I have no idea who the murderer is at this point, but I’m guessing it’s not Judy, since she’s destined to be a murder victim herself.  I’m going to guess Waldo.  Danger agrees to help, and the two flirt a bit.  I enjoyed this, but I didn’t enjoy the bet the two of them placed on the ’46 series, since I know how that is going to go for my beloved Red Sox.  Laura leaves, and Johnny Danger wonders to himself where she is hiding the drums.

Later, Johnny Danger walks into Rachel’s Place, which is slightly different in the forties.  Rachel herself hasn’t changed much; she’s still doing everything for attention’s sake. In this particular scene, she’s finishing a love ballad.  When she’s done, she walks over to Danger, who has been chatting up Laura Wigglesworth.  He tells them to go about their business as usual while he cases the place.  He then takes turns meeting the Winslows’ 1940’s counterparts: Harriette is a bitter middle-aged woman, jealous of her sister’s success.  Eddie is a sleazy gambling type.  Finally, Danger meets Carl (who is named Officer Wigglesworth in this detective spoof).  They have a brief stare-down (Reginald VelJohnson and Jaleel White having a ton of fun working together, as usual), and then Danger hears drums again, signifying the approach of Laura Wigglesworth.  What he doesn’t notice (and what I didn’t notice until the third time I watched this scene) is LT Murtaugh reading the paper in the background.  If this is the only time we see him, that’s fantastic.  Laura hands Johnny a glass of what appears to be orange juice.  I can’t be certain, maybe it’s implied that this is a mixed drink of some kind.  They chat about whistling for a moment (during which Johnny spits in her face; she shrugs it off, what a trooper), and she walks away once again to the beat of a drum.  Johnny Danger’s heart is racing, which he attributes to his growing attraction to Laura, but soon the room begins to spin, and he falls to the floor as he realizes that he’s been “slipped a mickey.”  A “mickey” is an old-fashioned term for a roofie, for those of you who didn’t know.

When the Urkman, er, Dangerman comes to, he’s got a splitting headache.  He looks up and sees Rachel sitting alone at a table.  He asks her how long he’s been out, but she doesn’t respond.  Danger puts his hand on her shoulder, and she flops forward dead, with a knife sticking out of her back.  Johnny doesn’t even get a second to process this, because all of a sudden:

NLR comes in dressed as a newsie, and hilariously hands Johnny Danger a newspaper with a very interesting headline:

(Family Matters)

Great headline kid, but remember, headlines don’t sell papes.

Conclusion:

Johnny Danger gathers the family (sadly, Murtaugh is there too; that would’ve been so funny), and accuses them one-by-one of killing Rachel Crawfish.  Every time he accuses someone, thunder rolls, the lights flicker, and that person is murdered.  The most notable of these accusations is “Chef Waldo,” who plays an extremely stereotypical Italian immigrant who has signed an equally offensive contract making him Chef at Rachel’s Place for life.  After the last family member (Carl) is accused and subsequently murdered, Laura Wigglesworth is shown holding a gun.  Apparently, she shot every person in the room during those brief thunder claps (except for Waldo, who was chased down by Bullet Bill). Since it’s my job to point out dumb shit, you should remember that Laura was the one who hired Johnny Danger in the first place. Happily, I can attribute this shitty writing to a fictional teenager nerd, instead of actual sitcom writers, as I usually have to do. Danger is able to wrestle the gun from her, and he gives her a choice: she can run off with him and live happily ever after, or she can go to jail.  Her answer, to Urkel’s credit, is true to Laura Winslow’s character:

(Family Matters)

Laura Wigglesworth is dragged off (literally, I might add, what a hilarious choice it was to have her go dead weight) to jail, and Steve’s story ends. He appears behind Rachel and Laura, and he asks them what they think of his story.  They both tell him that they liked it, and they prepare to go home for the evening.  After Rachel exits singing the song her 1940’s counterpart had performed, Laura asks Steve why he didn’t write an ending where they ended up together.  The Urkman tells her that he’s saving that ending for real life and shoots her a finger gun, which is honestly baller as fuck.  That ends the episode, and season three.

Thanks for sticking with me this long, gang.  It means the world to me, especially since you had to wait a full year and a half for me to come back from my hiatus.  Join me next time, as I break down season four of Family Matters!

Please share this post on your favorite brand of social media by clicking its respective icon below. It really makes a huge difference in the amount of people who’ll read it, which I appreciate greatly.

Original Air Date: May 1, 1992

Previously on OUM: Urkelbot returned, but this time as a cop, and then almost immediately afterwards as a dancer.  Hey, I’m not here to judge.  Robots can identify as anything they want as far as I’m concerned.

You can watch full episodes of Family Matters with a subscription to HBO Max.

If you missed the last recap, you can read it here. Any “Only Urkel Matters” that you may have missed can be found here.

If you find yourself befuddled by anything written in this blog, or you’ve forgotten what specific abbreviations stand for, check out the Glossary I’ve made to clear up such confusions!

Only Urkel Matters is on Instagram! Check us out for the best Urkel content on The Gram (including sneak peeks of columns!) You should also like 7th Evan on Facebook, so you’ll know the moment an OUM is available!

Cold Open:

Eddie and Waldo are watching “Dudes,” a type of dating show that we used to watch in the nineties before “Temptation Island” came out and producers realized that these types of shows were way better if there was a chance that adultery would occur.  They weren’t wrong, but I kind of miss how they used to be: one guy/girl would have a chance to ask 3+ girls questions and ultimately decide which one they wanted to hook up with.  Laura comes in and expresses how disgusting she finds it all, which Eddie dismisses off-hand.  They repeat the process when the Urkman comes in and he too is disgusted by the show.  An announcement is made on “Dudes” that the next week is Teens Week on the show, and that they would be holding open tryouts.  Eddie and Waldo sprint for the door, with Eddie slamming it in Waldo’s face, leading to this classic Waldo Geraldo Faldo moment:

Once alone, Urkel condemns their actions as debaucherous, and then immediately makes a move on Laura, who sees through this charade and elbows him hard, causing Steve to buckle in pain.

The Story:

Later that day, Eddie and Waldo are sitting at the kitchen when Urkel comes in.  They inform him that they were successful in their endeavor to be on “Dudes.”  For some reason, Eddie tries to tempt Steve into doing the same.  I’m not sure what he’s getting out of this.  Perhaps he’s hoping he’ll look better in comparison if Steve comes along?  And how can he be so sure that Urkel will get a spot?  Were he and Waldo the only ones who showed up to the tryout?  Eddie tries to pretend that if Steve goes on the show and flirts with attractive women that Laura will go into a jealous rage and agree to go out with him.  Steve ponders this as we head into another scene.

Carl is on the living room couch with NLR and believe it or not, Judy.  Laura enters and tells them that she’s very much going to enjoy watching her brother embarrass himself on television.  She runs off to make some popcorn, and Carl takes the opportunity to hassle the youngest Winslows about what Harriette has planned for his birthday.  They both tell him that Harriette does not have anything planned, so Carl tries to bribe Ritchie, the easier target.  NLR eagerly takes Carl’s money, but gives him no more information regarding the celebration of his birth.  I do think that this is leading to a surprise party, but if so, Carl is going to want his money back.  What use is an informant if they are lying to you?  The rest of the Winslow women file in and they take their seats just as “Dudes” is about to begin.  As it turns out, Dudes is not a show where one contestant gets to choose from three potential suitors.  Rather, there are three women and three men on the show at once.  I’m not really sure what the rules are, but if I had to guess (and I do, because that’s kind of the point of this blog), I’d say that after they interview each other for a bit, each person would choose a member of the opposite sex to go on a date with, and if they choose you too, you get to hookup.  We’ll see if I’m on the right track here.  We get introduced to the three women, and they are indeed gorgeous and far too good for any of our three knuckleheads.  Eddie is the first of the men to be introduced, and, true to form, he has lied about his hobbies so the girls will be impressed with him.  I am confident that this will not work.  Waldo and Steve are actually honest about their likes and dislikes (Waldo enjoys playing songs with his armpits, Urkel likes bugs, cheese, and synchronized bowling).  It’s Steve I want to focus on here, and not because he does yet another spectacular pratfall, but because he has a new hair style that is so ridiculous, it’s basically a plot point:

I don’t think I’ve ever seen a ponytailed man on a dating show before, and I’m eager to see how it will go.  I mean, it’s definitely fake, so it will probably just fall off, but I’m hoping for something even sillier.

After Laura makes fun of Dudes for being a dating show that would stoop so low as to have Urkel on it (a fair assessment, by the way), she and Harriette head off to the kitchen to get more food for the family.  It’s been like thirty seconds, how is it all gone?  I’m looking at you, birthday boy.  Speaking of birthdays, Carl takes advantage of Harriette’s absence by probing Rachel for information about Harriette’s plans for him.  Like Ritchie before her, Rachel insists that Harriette has nothing planned.  This will never happen, but I’m begging for this to be true.  No resolution, just no party.  Zoom in on Carl’s disappointed face, roll credits.  I suppose this is why I could never write on a family sitcom.  Harriette and Laura return just in time to hear the game’s rules, which are: the dude who gets the most kisses wins.  Great, I feel like I could play it on my own.  I’m just being sassy though, I enjoy that they realized that this wouldn’t be a tough game to pick up as you go along, and they trusted the viewer to not be a moron.  How the game works is that each woman writes down how they felt about their date with each of the men (the dates have already happened, apparently), and if the “dude” correctly guesses which girl wrote what statement about them, they get a “kiss,” which is essentially one point.   The girls write mostly flattering things about Eddie, except for one of them, who wrote that he had a massive ego (SHAMELESS PLUG ALERT).  I wish we could have found out which one of them wrote that, because she’d have earned my respect forever.  Eddie correctly guesses which girl called him a hunk, and the game host asks the lass what made her write that about Eddo.  Up until this point, I did not remember this episode, but as soon as she said, “He sang to me,” I knew exactly what song it was:

(Family Matters)

I get asked a lot why I write about this show, and the person asking usually assumes that I just have a weird love for it.  That’s kind of true, but I don’t necessarily love the show itself; I love random moments that I latched onto as a kid that buried themselves in my subconscious.  This is one of those moments.  It’s not a good song, it’s not a funny moment, but it’s something I’ll randomly sing to myself from time to time, and certainly I’ll being singing it more often in the days to come.  For his correct answer, Eddie gets a kiss.  Waldo too gets a kiss, because he’s able to pick out which girl he didn’t actually go out with.  Unfortunately for my man Waldo Geraldo Faldo (he deserves more respect than an abbreviation), he wrote down the directions to the girl’s house on the inside of a payphone (look it up, youths) and “the darn thing kept falling out of (his) car.”  Since Waldo just confessed to destruction of private property on television, somebody please write some fan-fiction about the misadventures of Waldo in prison.  The Urkman also gets a kiss, because one of the girls wrote that Steve gave her the ride of her life.  Urkel immediately knows which girl it was, because he took her for a ride on his “neato Schwinn” and let her ride his sissy bar.  Urkel is coming in hot with the innuendo.

We fast forward to the end of “Dudes,” where it is announced that the grand prize for the winners of the game are getting a week-long stay in Hawaii.  Who in the hell thought it was a good idea to give two teen coeds an all-expenses-paid trip together?  You’re basically begging for teen pregnancy (which will then be mocked by Mother Winslow).  The final round of the game works as such: the boys choose which girl they’d like to take to Hawaii, and if that girl chooses him as well, they are the winners of the game.  Eddie and Waldo both choose incorrectly, so it comes down to Steve.  He chooses the girl who got the wild ride, and wouldn’t you know it, she chose him too!  Celebratory music and balloons ensue, and the girl rushes to hug the Urkman.  Urkel, however, immediately stops the proceedings.  He walks towards the camera and tells the world that he can’t go anywhere with any girl that’s not Laura.  His fellow victor begs him to reconsider until after they get back from Hawaii, but Steve can’t be reasoned with.  He’s in love with Laura Winslow, and he wants to the world to know.  He gets even closer to the camera, and it’s at this point that I notice that his ponytail is literally attached to his hat.  You’re probably thinking to yourself, “Evan, how could you possibly not have noticed that?”  Well, I’m a little embarrassed, but I’m also not infallible.  It’s good for you to see a vulnerable side of me.  Urkel continues to profess his love, culminating in yet another Family Matters moment that lives rent-free in my head:

(Family Matters)

It’s really interesting to me that I forgot the plot of this episode, but it was clearly a seminal one in my viewership.

Later, Laura is sitting at the kitchen table, angrily flipping through a magazine.  The door opens, and as he promised, the Urkman has come home to her.  Laura lambasts him for embarrassing her on television, and asks him why he would go on such a misogynistic show.  Urkel reveals that he did so to inspire jealousy in her, and Laura tells him that she’ll never feel that way about him.  Steve tells her that she will, and instead of calling the police to have this stalking nerd removed from her household, Laura tells him that he has a long time to wait.  Why give him hope?  Methinks she enjoys the attention a smidge. 

Conclusion:

It’s late in the evening, and Harriette walks into the living room with a cupcake.  On that cupcake is a lone candle.  She yells upstairs for Carl to come down, and he does so, but he’s super mopey.  She tells him to blow out the candle, and he complies, but he is still down in the dumps.  Harriette asks him what’s wrong, and he admits to her that when he told her to not make a big deal oput of his birthday, what he really meant that he would have liked her to make a big deal out of his birthday.  Harriette gives him a knowing smile, and flips a lightswitch.  The family pops out from various hiding places, and, as Carl realizes that his wife knew what he wanted all along, they sing the Happy Birthday song to him as the episode ends.  Not an inexpensive ending either.  According to ABC News, it can cost anywhere between $500 and $3000 to use that song on a TV show.

Join me next time, when I break down the season three finale, “Farewell My Laura.”

Please share this post on your favorite brand of social media by clicking its respective icon below. It really makes a huge difference in the amount of people who’ll read it, which I appreciate greatly.

Original Air Date: April 24, 1992

Previously on OUM: Urkel’s parents abandoned him yet again, so Harriette invited him to stay at the Winslows’.  He immediately screwed up their lives, but not really.

You can watch full episodes of Family Matters with a subscription to Hulu or HBO Max.

If you missed the last recap, you can read it here. Any “Only Urkel Matters” that you may have missed can be found here.

If you find yourself befuddled by anything written in this blog, or you’ve forgotten what specific abbreviations stand for, check out the Glossary I’ve made to clear up such confusions!

Only Urkel Matters is on Instagram! Check us out for the best Urkel content on The Gram (including sneak peeks of columns!) You should also like 7th Evan on Facebook, so you’ll know the moment an OUM is available!

Cold Open:

Eddie and my main man Waldo Geraldo Faldo are in the living room, getting ready to go to a rap festival.  They are both hyped as hell for the event, but they each have a concern.  Waldo’s worried that all the performers will attempt to rap at the same time, and he won’t be able to hear any of them.  After Eddie assures him that this will not be the case, he shares his concern, which is that the girls at the concert won’t be able to hear his impotent pick-up lines over the noise emanating from the speakers.  Luckily for Eddie, Waldo was prepared for this scenario:

Waldo uses the pickup line, “are those real?,” adopting the now-popular “negging” strategy, insulting a woman until her confidence is so low that she might actually consider sleeping with him.  We never see the results, but I hope Waldo somehow overcame the odds, and actually got some action after screaming insults at women over a bullhorn.  I don’t necessarily condone the tactic, but I just want good things for my favorite lovable buffoon.

The Story:

The front door opens, and Carl and LT Murtaugh stroll in.  It should be noted that in a show filled with dumb nineties fashion, Murtaugh’s hair withstands the test of time. If my hair looked like his right now I’d be thrilled.  Murtaugh complains to Carl that some other lieutenant got a promotion that he feels he deserved.  In order to kiss his boss’ ass, Carl makes fun of the newly promoted captain for working with inner city kids and generally being a good fuckin’ dude.  The Urkman glides in, and he looks like he’s ready to get back in that hot air balloon:

Murtaugh also notices that Steve is dressed like a steampunk nerd, and he insults him.  The Urkster, ever quick-witted, immediately shoots back with a barb about Murtaugh’s flat feet.  Steve is excited, because while working on retooling the Urkel-Bot, an idea (and the robot) struck him: Urkelbot’s function should be to be a Chicago P.D. officer.  Carl ridicules this idea, but Murtaugh is intrigued.  He thinks that a police force chalk-full of robots is just what he needs to earn himself that promotion.

The Winslow ladies sans Laura (and obviously sans Judy, because of course) are in the kitchen, and they’re arguing about…something, I don’t know.  I watched it four times and I couldn’t decipher it.  Laura comes in, and she crows to them about a money-making opportunity that she’s discovered.  If she sends a makeup company $400, that company will send her $800 worth of beauty products.  If her family will provide her the money, Laura will do the work of selling the product, and “everyone wins.”  This is an obvious scam, but that’s not what bothers Harriette and Rachel about the situation.  Money is tight, and the two sisters are hesitant to give their hard-earned cash to a sixteen-year-old girl, no matter how much of a go-getter she is.  Estelle, ever the optimist, convinces them to invest in her grand-daughter, and also persuades them to cover her share as well.  It seems odd to me that four intelligent women (three of whom are adults and one of whom lived through the Great Depression) can’t figure out that they’re basically setting their money on fire, but then again, every time I go to the store to grab a Red Bull I end up waiting in line while some poor soul picks out forty dollars’ worth of one dollar scratchies like they know exactly which ones produce big money, so I guess it’s not all that unrealistic.

Later, in the living room, Urkel is busy putting the finishing touches on Urkelcop.  He’s obviously worked incredibly hard on it, because Urkelbot has been painstakingly redesigned to be the best police officer that he can be.  He has a…new hat.  That’s pretty much it.  Steve activates Urkelcop by placing what he calls “an official police badge” on the robot’s chest.  Neither Carl nor Murtaugh have a problem with this.  Urkelcop springs to life, and once again, his movements are fantastic.  Urkelcop, like Urkelbot before him (the distinction is an important one; remember, he has a hat now), is again played by the fantastic Michael Chambers, who made a career out of dancing like a robot in Hollywood.  I’d love to interview the man, I bet he has some fantastic stories.  Murtaugh is delighted by Urkelcop’s abilities (which include being able to recite police regulations verbatim and regurgitating quotes from famous gunslingers), but Carl is not as easily impressed.  He wonders what will happen when Urkelcop needs to get rough out here in these streets.  Urkelcop responds by using karate to annihilate Carl’s coatrack, proudly representing the Urkel brand of destroying the Winslow’s home.  Far from being mad about the obliteration of yet another of his earthly possessions, Carl is impressed by Urkelcop’s strength, and accepts him as his new partner.  Urkelcop celebrates this news by saluting his new comrades, which LT Murtaugh eagerly (and hilariously) returns:

The Winslow ladies come in from a baby shower and make cracks about how the expectant mother had her baby shower before her wedding one, hilariously shaming teen mothers everywhere.  The beauty products have arrived, and they each take turns smelling the shampoos.  Rachel remarks that she “can’t wait to see how (her) hair comes out.”

The next morning, Estelle, Harriette, and Laura come into the living room, and they are skin bald.  Of course the joke is that Rachel’s comment about her hair can be taken literally, and sure, it’s a bit of an easy joke, but if you have a problem with it, just keep your mouth shut about it.  I mean it, gang, keep my favorite sitcom family’s name out yo fuckin’ mouth!

The whole family has gathered around the hairless Winslow dames, and they wonder what happened.  Laura calls the shampoo company’s hotline number, but their phone has been disconnected.  Carl explains to her that if something seems too good to be true, it probably is.  The Winslow men (including that trick-ass bitch NLR) all make bald jokes, but none of them are worth writing home about.  Let’s get back to some Urkel!

Carl, Steve, and Urkelcop have posted up at a convenience store that Urkelcop has deduced to have the best odds of being the next in the chain of robberies.  Carl is posing as the night manager of the store, and for some reason he has decided to use a racially insensitive accent to perform this duty:

(Family Matters)

Rather than rebuff his neighbor and father figure for his borderline racist actions, Steve commends him for it.  Carl tells the Urkman that since Urkelcop is all set up, he can go on home.  Unfortunately, the man who has been committing the robberies chooses that time to arrive.  He waves a gun in Carl and Steve’s face, instructing Carl to give him all the money in the register and for the Urkel to grab him a slushie.  I guess he was too thirsty to wait for July 11 (sorry, I’m writing this on free slurpy day).  While Urkel and Carl do what the gunmen says, Urkelcop sneaks up behind him and prepares to arrest him.  The gunmen attempts to shoot Urkelcop, but he is a robot and is simply unaffected.  With Urkelcop’s help, Carl arrests the gunmen.  Now that the robber is unarmed, Steve mocks him.  Urkel loves making enemies of violent people.

Conclusion:

In the kitchen, Carl fills the family in on his apprehension of the convenience store robber, and they’re super pumped.  Harriette wants Urkelcop to track down the con artists that ruined their hair, but Urkel tells him that Urkelcop has given up policework to become a dancer.  I suppose that just makes him Urkelbot again.  My biggest problem with this is that the robot has become sentient and started making its own decisions.  Is the name Skynet ringing any bells?  Urkel didn’t want the robot to have to dance on its own, so he built it a dancing partner in Laura’s likeness.  The family goes into the living room, where Urkelbot and Laurabot (I can’t believe that I just added “Laurabot” to my Microsoft Word dictionary) have a brief conversation.  Laurabot speaks in Laura’s voice, but she had nothing to do with its creation, so this means that Steve had to use nefarious means to make that happen.  Everyone ignores this, and the episode ends as the Winslows dance along with the robots:

Join me next time, when I break down Episode 24, “Dudes,” which I assume is about Cody Lambert.

Please share this post on your favorite brand of social media by clicking its respective icon below. It really makes a huge difference in the amount of people who’ll read it, which I appreciate greatly.

Original Air Date: April 3, 1992

Previously on OUM: I mean, who knows, right?  It was like a year ago.  But I vaguely recall Waldo trying to bang Laura.  If only I had a pocket computer that I could use to look this up.

You can watch full episodes of Family Matters with a subscription to Hulu or HBO Max.

If you missed the last recap, you can read it here. Any “Only Urkel Matters” that you may have missed can be found here.

If you find yourself befuddled by anything written in this blog, or you’ve forgotten what specific abbreviations stand for, check out the Glossary I’ve made to clear up such confusions!

Only Urkel Matters is on Instagram! Check us out for the best Urkel content on The Gram (including sneak peeks of columns!) You should also like 7th Evan on Facebook, so you’ll know the moment an OUM is available!

Cold Open:

Carl, Eddie, and Laura are in the living room.  Carl’s feeding a fish, but Laura wants to do it.  Carl balks at her request, telling her that it’s LT Murtaugh’s, and that he’s fishy-sitting while his commander is in Vegas looking for the future Mrs. Murtaugh.   Gee, I wonder what will become of this fish?  Laura makes a crack about how Murtaugh might be in Vegas for a long time.  What the hell does she know about love?  She dates the same type of douchebag fuckboy every three episodes.  All that changes is the name of the suitor.  Just then, Harriette and Rachel burst through the kitchen door, excitement etched clearly on their faces.  They announce to the family that it looks like the Urkels are going on vacation, and they dance a happy dance that Laura fucking loves.  Eddie rushes to the window and confirms this happy news, and everyone in the family celebrates as the Urkels drive away.  Unfortunately for them, their celebration is short-lived:

(Family Matters)

The Story:

Laura, now completely off her brief high and headed straight for depression city, asks the Urkman why he isn’t going on vacation with his parents.  Steve responds by telling her that his parents have left on separate second honeymoons.  Carl wonders why any married couple would want to honeymoon apart from each other, and Urkel informs him that his folks desperately want to avoid the mistake that they made on their fist honeymoon, a mistake that turns out to be Steve himself.  Laura, still clinging on to one last shred of hope to be Urkel-free for fourteen days, asks the Urkster if he’s spending the length of his parent’s absence with a relative, but Steve immediately dashes Laura’s dreams by telling her that he’ll be living the bachelor life directly across the street.  He then boldly invites her over for some romantic alone time right in front of Laura’s parents, aunt, and brother.  The balls on this kid.  They must be bigger than he is.  Harriette wonders how any parents would leave a boy home alone by himself (how many examples does she need to know that Steve’s parents are pieces of shit?), and the Urkman balks:

(Family Matters)

Despite Steve’s assertion that he’s manly enough to be alone, Harriette insists that he stay with the Winslows until his parents return.  Everyone else in the room is…not happy.

From that scene, we jump into a classic:

(Family Matters)

Okay, so Jaleel White crushes this, gang.  Not only is he singing a hilarious blues song, but he sings it as Urkel, and he does so spectacularly.  I wonder how many takes it took him to pull this off.  If it was any less than ten, it’s legendary.  This is also a quintessential “Carl is frustrated with Steve” moment.  “I came down to sing backup” is such a fire line.  Anyway, the purpose of this scene is to make sure you know that Urkel knows whose fish is currently in the Winslow’s home, and they could have mailed it in.  I give the writers a lot of flack for laziness, but this was so creative and inspired, and it’s one of those times when I’m reminded why I loved this show in the first place.  Also, “Spike” is a dumb name for a fish, that’s so Murtaugh (it’s a future I can see).

The next morning, Steve has gotten up early so that he can make omelets for the whole family.  They’re thrilled, until he tells them that the omelets are made of liver and head cheese.  Carl does a spit take for some reason, and they all run upstairs.  Only the Urkmeister and NLR remain to eat breakfast, but Ritchie tells Steve that he’s not hungry because he’s being bullied at school.  I guess the school bully doesn’t like mullets and Michael Jackson impressions.  I think I’m on Team Bully.  Anyway, Urkel tells NLR that getting beat up feels really bad, but being afraid all of the time feels even worse.  Makes sense to me, and it seems to make sense to NLR as well, as he nods thoughtfully.

Later that day, Steve is vacuuming in the living room.  The doorbell rings, and Steve puts the vacuum down next to the fish tank so he can go answer the door.  Surprisingly, he remembers to turn it off, but I believe this is what those in the biz call “foreshadowing.”  And that, dear reader, is likely the closest this blog will ever come to breaking down symbolism.  It’s not really my forte.  I’m much better at writing things like, “Hey, Urkel is singing a song, that’s pretty funny, right guys?”  Anyway, I like that they show you that this could be something Urkel might do wrong.  Steve answers the door, and would you look at that?  Laura has yet another cookie-cutter suiter.  Maybe you shouldn’t be throwing rocks at LT Murtaugh while he’s standing in your glass house.  Urkel lets this new douchebag (whose name is Mark) in, and tells him that Laura will be home shortly.  Mark immediately realizes that he is talking to Steve Urkel, because there is a “Kick Me” sign on the Urkman’s back.  This isn’t funny, until Steve reveals that he’s being picked on by teachers, not students.  Nice touch.  Urkel doesn’t trust Mark (and let’s be honest, with Laura’s history, he shouldn’t, not that it’s his business to do anything about it; is every teenager in this show toxic except for Waldo?) and he asks him to prove himself worthy by peeing in a cup so Steve can screen it for drugs.  Mark balks at this, obviously, but he decides to leave immediately, like denying Urkel’s request will suddenly mean that Laura is no longer interested in him.  NLR comes in through the door sporting a shiner, and bragging about how he gave the bully a stiff left hook.  Steve gives him a high five, but when Rachel comes in, the mood drastically changes.  She sends Ritchie up to his room, and then explains to Urkel that NLR has been kicked out of pre-school.  She blames the Urkster, who is so distraught that he unleashes a classic Urkel “Oops” face:

Later, The Urkman, now completely racked with guilt, has resumed vacuuming, when an angry Laura storms through the door.  She has figured out Urkel’s involvement in the destruction of her study date, and she reprimands Steve before storming upstairs.  Urkel is now even more glum, and he mutters, “Why can’t I do anything right?”  Obviously, this is when he accidentally sucks up Murtaugh’s fish with the vacuum.  He tries to get suck it out, but he ends up accidentally swallowing the fish when Carl comes in unexpectedly and smacks him on the back.  I know you’d probably expect me to post a video of this, but honestly, I found none of this amusing.  I can’t really explain why.  Maybe I feel like it’s pet abuse?  That honestly doesn’t feel like the reason (*Shrugs*).  Anyway, Carl finds out what happened, and he’s about to try to get Steve to regurgitate his commander’s beloved pet, but that’s when Murtaugh walks in, back early from his Vegas vacation.  No one bothers to ask him if he found love, which was honestly my only concern.  I just want my dude to find happiness.  Murtaugh immediately asks about the fish, and after Carl briefly (and poorly) tries to cover up for Steve by telling Lieu that his fish had committed suicide, Urkel comes clean and tells him that he had accidentally sucked him into the vacuum.  Murtaugh’s response is hilarious:

(Family Matters)

I feel like someone thought of that joke and that’s what this entire episode was premised on.  Predictable, but good.  Those two things aren’t mutually exclusive.

The Conclusion:

The Winslows are all in the living room, complaining about Steve (except for Estelle, Eddie, and NLR, who I suppose really didn’t have any issues with him).  Harriette hears all their complaints and finally acquiesces to their demand that Urkel leave immediately, but asks for a minute to figure out how to break the news to the Urkman.  This turns out to be irrelevant, since Steve was downstairs cleaning the furnace and heard the whole conversation through the heating ducts.  He tells them that he'll lead of his own accord, but NLR tells everyone to wait a gosh darn second.  Apparently, he never told his mother that the reason he fought was because he was being bullied.  He does so now, and Rachel softens towards Steve.  Estelle is next to speak, and she tells Laura that she spotted her study date making out with a redhead at Make Out Point.  What ever happened to make out points?  I feel like we all used to universally agree that it was okay to hook up in public as long as it was on a hill.  Does that still happen anywhere?  Carl asks his mother why she was at Make Out Point, and Mother Winslow basically tells him to mind his own business, and then celebrates the fact that she’s getting some with her teenage grandson.  Harriette points out that every mistake that Steve made had a silver lining, and they all agree.  What was the silver lining to murdering the fish?  Murtaugh should have met a girl in Vegas who was perfect except for one thing: she hates fish.  Carl tells Urkel that the next time they ask him to stay, he should just stay, not try to do all their chores.  Urkel agrees, and asks for a group hug.  When the Winslows decline, Urkel shrugs it off, and suggests that they dance instead.  For some reason, they do agree to that:

(Family Matters)

The thing that weirds me out is that no one turned on any music.  Is this like all of the other background music, where we can hear it but no one on the show can?  If so, they’re all dancing to nothing, which is weird as shit.  Maybe this is actually more like the “Do the Urkel” episode, where Steve just has the power to make random music play despite absolutely no preparation.  He didn’t even use Siri.  This whole thing is weird, and it also ends the episode.

Join me next time, when I break down Episode 3.23, “Robo-Nerd II.”  Maybe this time it’ll only be like a six month break between blogs.

Please share this post on your favorite brand of social media by clicking its respective icon below. It really makes a huge difference in the amount of people who’ll read it, which I appreciate greatly.

If you’re looking for more AEW content from me, check out this blog I wrote about the return of CM Punk.

Countdown to Revolution

Countdown is a fantastic documentary/promotion that explains all the ongoing stories and tries to get a few last-minute buys for an upcoming AEW Pay-Per-View.  If you haven’t been following AEW in the months leading up to an event, this is where you should go to catch up.  This particular Countdown did not disappoint, and you should check it out if you have a bit of extra time before watching the event itself.

The Buy-In

If you didn’t have the time to watch Countdown, don’t fret, because this hour-long lead-in to the event has an abbreviated version built around a few matches designed to get the crowd hyped for the pay-per-view.  Speaking of those matches, let’s break them down, shall we?

“Legit” Leyla Hirsch vs Kris Statlander

Match Details:

Of all the matches held on this night, this one came with the least amount of hype, and that’s a damn shame, because these two women brought it.  Of course, the lack of hype is their own fault, considering they built up to the match by having the babyface say the sentence “I don’t blame your parents for giving you up (for adoption),” and having various backstage segments involving the extremely green Red Velvet.  All of that terribleness was worth it to get this match, which was a great bout that got the crowd buzzing (and they would stay buzzing until later in the night, when they very much crashed; more on that later).  The step-up hurricarana off the ring apron was a thing of beauty.  I’ve seen some people call that a botch, but it looked great to me.  I’m normally not into finishes that involve cheating (WWE PTSD), but there wasn’t too much of that going on during this show and this match was on the Buy-In, after all.  Plus, I think it does wonders for Hirsch going forward to beat a top tier wrestler like Statlander, and it doesn’t hurt Kris because of the chicanery at the end (Leyla hit Statlander with a loose turnbuckle that was just chilling under the ring).  It was really a good match, and I’m not just saying that because Leyla looked at me like that.

Finish:

Leyla pinned Statlander after a beautiful moonsault (which occurred immediately after the previously stated chicanery).

Rating:

7.6 out of 10

Interview Segment: Tony Schiavone interviews Kenny Omega

Only it wasn’t Kenny Omega!  My biggest laugh of the night came when Kenny’s music hit and the crowd popped hard, only for AEW’s most beloved carnie scumbag, Don Callis to enter the arena instead.  I love this kind of shit.  It always pisses the crowd off so much and cracks me up.  Callis blames the crowd for the injuries that have kept Omega on the shelf and compliments but doesn’t compliment Adam Cole, setting up a future feud between the two sections of The Elite.  I’m curious to see who the Young Bucks will side with!

QT Marshall vs Hook

Match Details:

My God, what a job AEW has done building Hook.  His music and look are awesome.  He’s destroying people in minutes, and it’s awesome.  The fact that his father (ECW legend and WWE alumni Tazz) provides color commentary over all his matches is awesome.  People have been clamoring for more and more of this kid, and AEW has been smart to continue limiting his appearances.  It’s basic supply and demand.  This match, with his longtime trainer QT Marshall, marks the next step in Hook’s development.  It still wasn’t a long match, but it showed that Hook can sell a bit, too.  QT having to use all of his veteran guile and underhanded tricks to get some offense in made Hooks seem even more like a monster threat.  So yes, the match was short, but it was fun, and it did what it needed to do to further Hook’s progression.

Finish:

Hook put QT Marshall to sleep with the Red Rum.

Rating:

6.8 out of 10

House of Black (Buddy Matthews, Brody King and Malachai Black) vs Pac, Penta Oscuro and Erick Redbeard

Match Details:

When Erick Redbeard showed up on last week’s Dynamite, there was a lot of excitement on the internet, excitement which I frankly did not share.  I was only familiar with his WWE work, which amounted to mostly “also tall, not as talented” member of his tag team with the late Mr. Brodie Lee.  However, he really showed me something in this match, which included a lot of my favorite wrestlers and had so many highlights that it would be very difficult to include them without going into list form.  Here, then, is that list:

• Penta and Matthews had some cool, back and forth moments at the beginning of this match.  It’s good to see Penta get some attention.  I love Fenix, but Penta also rules, and it’s good to see him shine more than he has at any other time outside of Lucha Underground.

• The sequence where the two big men in the match, Brody King and Redbeard, attacked each other with their shoulders was a lot of fun.

• Malachai Black smiling despite himself in the corner as he cringed at how hard Brody King chopped Pac.

• Pentagon’s hot tag shenanigans, culminating in his cazadora into a destroyer move that blows my mind every single time.

• Erik Redbeard suddenly being able to do cool shit, like his slingshot senton into the ring that was a tribute to Brodie Lee.

• The Fear Factor on the apron, which was gruesome to watch.

• The finish, which was the right decision.  House of Black shouldn’t be losing, especially not in Buddy Matthews’ first match with them.  Not sure if Redbeard is sticking around, so he’s the logical guy to take the pin.

All in all, this was an incredibly fun match, and it got me hyped for the main show.

Finish:

Malachi Black spit poison mist into Redbeard’s eyes, Matthews hit him with a running knee (best in the business from anyone not named Kenny Omega), and King piledrove him for the pin.

Rating:

8.8 out of 10

Revolution Main Show:

Chris Jericho vs Eddie Kingston

Match Details:

This one started out with a bang, as Kingston hit a gruesome half and half suplex right after the bell rang.  This was the story of the whole match.  They did this so that the crowd would get hot and cheer for Kingston, which Jericho could then get “mad” at.  He flipped off the crowd, signaling that he would be the heel going forward.  It’s difficult for Jericho to be the bad guy these days, because his theme song is so kick ass that people go crazy the moment it hits.  They continued to do cool shit from there.  Eddie pulling down his singlet so that they could chop the hell out of each other on an equal plane was so badass!  Also, I didn’t notice until I saw this match how good of shape Jericho was in.  When was the last time he was agile enough to pull off the Lionsault without being clunky?   Jericho did some great old-school Jericho stuff too.  Pushing Aubrey Edwards is such a great way to get heat; she’s universally beloved by the fans, as evidenced by the “Aubrey” chants that broke out as soon as she pushed Jericho back.   I guess my only complaint is that I don’t get why Jericho did Ethan Page’s signature taunt.  Was there a reference to something Ethan did in the match?  Maybe he was just taking a Page out of his book.

Finish:

Eddie Kingston hits Jericho with two spinning backwards fists, then forces him to submit to the stretch plum.  After the match, Jericho refused to shake Kingston’s hand, signaling that he will be continuing on as a heel, at least until he Fozzy’s out for a while.

Rating:

8.5 out of 10

Triple Threat Match for the AEW Tag Team Championship: Jurassic Express (C) vs reDRagon vs Young Bucks

Match Details:

One thing that I’ve loved about AEW is that when they’ve done triple threat tag team matches, they’ve had one person from each team in the ring at the same time.  This makes more sense to me than WWE’s way of doing things, which is to have only two men in the ring at once while the other team must wait to tag someone who isn’t even on their team so they can enter the match.   It gives a clear advantage to the two teams who started the match, as that third team could technically go the whole match without ever being involved.  It’s like when you’re shooting pool, and someone can break and then never give their opponent the opportunity to shoot.  Give me a contest where everyone gets an equal shot, like rebuttals during a game of beer pong (which is actually called “Beirut” the way most people play, but I digress).  This time, AEW chose to go the WWE route, and I understood why they did it, because the story of the match (at least in the early going) is that the Bucks and reDRagon are working together.  Still, this is something that always bothers me, and I took a full point off of the match rating, which I know everyone will take super seriously.  Honestly, the “story” doesn’t really work for me anyway.  They clearly don’t like each other, would both teams try to pretend to be getting along just to appease Adam Cole?  I feel like he wouldn’t give a shit.  Anyway, let’s get to the match.  It’s another multi-man match, so why don’t we go back to the bullet point system?

• Since I told you that I took a point off because of the tag rules, I feel like I should also tell you that I added .4 points for Bobby Fish’s running commentary throughout this match.  Why is he being picked up so much clearer than everyone else?  Is he actively yelling?

• Is there anyone with a more fire hot tag than Luchasaurus?  These smaller dudes seem to love taking his bumps with absolute gusto.  (Also, I got a small thrill from adding “Luchasaurus” to my Microsoft Word dictionary)

• Apropos of nothing, here’s another dope destroyer GIF.

• How much core strength does it take to do a tip-up while holding onto to two people’s throats?  Luchasaurus is jacked.

• I’ve never seen a cooler Doomsday Device.

• It happens in almost every AEW match, but I don’t get tired of dudes (and ladies) repeatedly forearming each other in the face.

• No bigger HOLY SHIT moment than Jungle Boy’s shooting star press to Kyle O’Reilly while Kyle had Luchasaurus locked in a front chancery.  The fact that it was immediately followed up with a Nick Jackson 450 just made it even more insane.  Super creative and fun.

• How great is Excalibur on commentary?  He knows every single move’s name, which is more than I can say for his WWE counterparts and seems to drop a fun line at least once a night.   My favorite for tonight?  When Kyle O’Reilly broke up the pin after a BTE Trigger (normally the end of the night for anyone who’s hit by one) on Jungle Boy, Excalibur exclaimed, “One, Two, ohh….Reilly!”

Finish:

Jurassic Express hit their self-titled finishing maneuver on Matt Jackson to retain their titles

Rating:

8.3 out of 10

Face of the Revolution Ladder Match (winner gets a shot at the TNT Championship): Christian Cage vs Powerhouse Hobbs vs Ricky Starks vs Wardlow vs Keith Lee vs Orange Cassidy

Match Details:

Not to play Monday Morning Quarterback (Or Wednesday, or Thursday Morning; this thing is taking forever to write), but at this point I’m questioning having most of the multi-man matches be so early in the show.  They’re all so stimulating that the crowd can’t help but wear themselves out, and we’re just over an hour into the main show.  Perhaps this would have been a better spot for either the TBS or AEW women’s titles.  I personally think maybe the Britt Baker match would have been the right choice here, especially since it’s the only one with a less than solid finish.  I’m getting ahead of myself, though.  Let’s get right into the bullet points for this one.

• Orange Cassidy using his fan-favorite “lazy” gimmick to get on top of Keith Lee’s shoulders and try to steal the match right away was hilarious.  This could easily be a super tired act, but he keeps evolving it in ways that are so fun.

• Speaking of those fun ways, he tries to climb the ladder with his hands in his pockets a few minutes later.  How can you not love this guy?  Oh, you’re Jim Cornette?  Never mind.

• They recreated the Keith Lee is lurking bit!  Fantastic.  They know what I want.

• Keith Lee using Orange Cassidy as a weapon is fun in concept, but definitely lacked in execution.

• Wardlow knowing he could throw Keith Lee off the ladder but instead choosing to alert Lee to his presence and give him a chance to fight him one-on-one made him look tough as nails.  Wardlow is becoming a monster in AEW, and when he finally officially turns on MJF it’s gonna get a pop as big as the time Batista gave Triple H the thumbs down.  See also: my favorite face turn of all time.  I also loved that Willie Hobbs could have chosen to become involved in their stare down, but chose the practical method of hitting them both with a ladder instead.

• Speaking of Hobbs (these things are flowing from one thing to the next; great storytelling), I loved that he and Ricky Starks exchanged a handshake before they both went for the Sonic the Hedgehog Ring at the top of the ladder.  Heels can have genuine friendship too!  Warmed my heart.  Wrestling rules.

• Starks then takes a bullet aimed at Hobbs when Orange Cassidy starts spinning the ladder around with his head.  I’ve always hated when people do this in ladder matches, because it should be super easy to stop.  Because they love me, AEW addresses this by having Wardlow and Keith Lee grab the ladder on each side.  Cassidy makes an all-time “I’m afraid” face, and then skins the cat up onto the ladder, which delighted me even more.  His desire to take the easy way out is true to his character, and ends with him crotched on the ladder, which I don’t think I’ve ever seen before.  I also adored Keith Lee’s “Oh well!” face.

• It cracked me up that Tazz hates Cassidy because Tazz used to wear orange.

• A spear through a ladder?  Are you kidding me, Ricky Starks?  Coolest spear in a ladder match since Christian lost his Edge (©Max Caster).

• It was a little clunky and made no sense when Wardlow found himself in the ring alone with a chance to win and instead chose to go outside the ring and fight Keith Lee with Powerhouse Hobbs.  I know that led to the stage bump (and was a distraction while Christian set up ladders in random formations in the ring), but it felt unnecessary.

• I love how Danhaussen walks. He has the posture of a grandfather, and it suits him.

Finish:

Wardlow sloppily powerbombs Starks from the ladder onto another ladder, retrieves the ring, and becomes Face of the Revolution (and Dr. Robotnik’s new nemesis).

Rating:

8.0 out of 10

Tony Schiavone introduces “surprise” new roster member:

I put “surprise” in quotes because he does a terrible job at hiding the reveal:

Shane “Swerve” Strickland has arrived, and if I had just known him from his WWE days as Isiah Scott, this would not have moved the needle for me.  However, I had the good fortune of seeing his Lucha Underground fight vs AR Fox, so I know what he can do for this brand.  It’s an exciting signing, as AEW continues to bring in talented people who didn’t get a fair shot elsewhere.

TBS Championship, Jade Cargill (C) vs Tay Conti

Match Details:

You can tell a lot about the buildup for this match by the lack of a pre-match promotional video.  This is the second women’s match the I’m writing about, and it’s the second time I complained about a lack of story.  That tells you that AEW needs to do a better job of storytelling when it comes to their women’s division.  I understand that WWE has horded a great deal of female wrestling talent, but even though AEW can’t sign those wrestlers (yet), they can invest a bit more time in the writing department.  It's a bit less noticeable here than it was earlier because a title is involved, but if you want the TBS title to mean something, you have to establish prestige.  The way you do that is by creating memorable feuds.  Anyway, the build-up to the match wasn’t very memorable, but the entrances certainly were!  I enjoyed that Tay Conti was escorted to the ring by the illustrious -1 (I miss Brodie), and King Fish slayed Jade’s live entrance music.   Jade comes out of the gates aggressively, giving Tay the mob boss kiss of death and letting her know that by the end of the night she was going to be sleeping with the King Fishes (sorry, Sammy, but I’m not gonna to ignore a gift joke like this).  On my first watch, I remember thinking that this match was just “okay,” but there was a lot of stuff to like!  Jade had me laughing with her mockery of Tay’s jujitsu background.  I also had a good chuckle when Tay went for a senton on Jade, missed, and took out my favorite current manager, Smart Mark Sterling (great name).  Mark’s misfortune wasn’t the part I laughed at, exactly, but when Jade saw what had happened, turned and booted Conti’s partner Anna Jay in the face as revenge, that’s what got me.  I defy you to watch that without laughing.  That opened the door for Anna to hit Jade with a chair behind the ref’s back and not seem like a dickhead.  All good stuff!  The problem with this match is that nothing is smooth.  They went for a lot of cool stuff, but everything just seemed a little…well, not botchy.  They didn’t really screw up.  Glitchy?  I think the problem is that these two women are both relatively inexperienced.  I believe in them both, though, and I have high hopes for the future of the AEW women’s division.

Finish:

Cargill hit Conti with Jaded to retain her championship and improve to 29-0

Rating

7.0

Dog Collar Match, CM Punk vs Maxwell Jacob Friedman (MJF)

Match Details

So, I was looking forward to this match, but I wasn’t.  The story these two have been telling has been fantastic, my personal favorite in quite some time, but I don’t see either of them as ring generals at this point (Punk has been one in the past, and MJF may be on his way there).  They’ve both had some good bouts recently, but being tied together can really limit what two people can do in a ring.  They went to the “False Entrance music” well again, but with a little twist.  “Cult of Personality” hits, and the fans go nuts.  It’s probably the second most popular entrance song in the company (the most popular being Judas, obviously), and they were hyped to sing it.  Speaking of which, this guy was hyped for the entire show.  I’ve been to two AEW shows in the past year, and I can only describe the crowds of people I attended to as “cynical.”  To see this guy just having a good time for the whole show warmed my heart.  He’s got my Fan of the Year vote.  Anyway, after a few moments, COP cuts off, and MJF’s music (which is an absolute bopper in its own right) hits.  The crowd is rightfully pissed off, and MJF smirks his way to the ring.  This was another hilarious move, and the reason they did it is immediately obvious.  After MJF makes it to the ring, the lights dim, and smoke comes out of the stage.  The music begins, and it’s Punk’s music from his Ring of Honor days, “Miseria Cantare” by the band AFI.  Now, a lot of people marked out at this entrance, but as a guy who didn’t watch much ROH, it really didn’t do much for me.  I understand why it’s cool for a lot of other people, though.  That kind of sums up this whole match for me.  Not everything in AEW is meant for me, and I get that.  The story of the match is that to defeat his young nemesis, CM Punk has to go to place in his head that he hasn’t gone in years.  This is emphasized by the music, and by Punk being addressed by ring announcer Justin Roberts (AKA the Dapper Yapper, a dope fucking nickname) as “The Second City Saint” as he used to be in the past.  I’m not gonna lie, MJF trying to escape when he’s literally attached at the neck to CM Punk had me laughing.  If you didn’t expect blood in this match, you’re out of your mind.  Punk is “busted wide open” only a few minutes in the match.  While I think blood should be included in wrestling matches only sparingly, even I have to admit that it makes sense for Punk to bleed here since he has a fresh wound from being cut on the previous Wednesday’s Dynamite.  Punk goes after Max’s right hand, which is smart, because MJF ends matches two ways, and they both involve using his right hand.  This match is more barbaric than I usually want, but I have to admit they told an intelligent story.  After a while, MJF bleeds himself.  Not for me, fam.  Later in the match (after a moment or two when the chain between them gets caught in the ropes and grinds the match to a standstill), Punk delivers a wicked Tombstone Piledriver onto the apron.  That was pretty gnarly looking.  Speaking of gnarly, there was so much blood in this match that the referee went through two pairs of gloves.  I’ve never seen that before, and I don’t want to see it again.  MJF sprinkles some tacks in the ring, and that’s yet another thing that I don’t want to see again.  It’s played out as hell.  Max superplexes Punk onto the tacks, which gets a huge pop from the crowd.  I watched it with a blank look on my face.  MJF calls for Wardlow, who swaggers out looking like a million bucks.  Finally, I’m intrigued again.  MJF asks for the Dynamite Diamond Ring, which he uses to knock out opponents, but Wardlow can’t find it in his jacket.  MJF curses him out, and walks into a GTS from Punk.   He falls hard, onto the tacks.  At this point, Wardlow looks Punk dead in the eye and “finds” the diamond ring, which he leaves “for MJF” on the apron.  Then he walks out of the arena, to loud “Wardlow” chants.  Punk grabs the ring, and shows it to MJF, who spits in his face in defiance.

Finish

CM Punk hits MJF with his own Dynamite Diamond Ring for the pin.  Not a terrible match by any standards, but definitely not close to the best of the night either.  It’s a tough grading curve.  The best thing that can be said about it is that it feels like the end of fantastic MJF/CM Punk feud, and the start of what could be a huge one between Max and Wardlow.

Rating

6.9

AEW Women’s Championship: Dr. Britt Baker, DMD (C) vs Thunder Rosa

Match Details:

So, I think my initial reaction to this match was a bit unfair.  As I alluded to before, the crowd lost a good deal of its energy, and it happened right after the Punk/MJF match.  This match, which I thought after my first viewing was bad, was actually pretty…okay.  It was okay.  That’s not what you love to hear, especially when you consider the amount of talent in the ring, and how good their lights-out match was, and how much talent is out there.  I adore Rebel and Jamie, Britt is insanely charismatic, and Rosa is one of the best wrestlers on the planet.  The problem for this match was the ending.  It’s the same ending that every single Britt Baker match has had since she’s become champion, and it’s becoming a bit stale.  My buddy Geoff sent me the following text after the match ended, and I think he summed it up quite nicely:

“…Honestly my only complaint is that Britt desperately needs a refresh. The interference shit is so fucking overdone at this point. I like Britt, Rebel, and Jamie, but it's the same thing every single defense. It seems they're building toward Rosa winning in her hometown on St. Patrick's Day, so maybe they're gonna have Jamie and Britt split in the next week?”

My feelings exactly, with the exception being that I think Britt losing her title will be the thing that causes the split between her and Jamie.  If the ending is building towards something in the future, great.  I haven’t watched this week’s Dynamite (or watched or read any wrestling coverage) because I wanted to have a clear mind for this insanely long review (I’m at 4,336 words right now, and we still have three matches left ☹).  I can tell you that nothing in this match spoke to me, but I had it rated at a 6.5 before the ending caused me to take off half a point, so if it turns out that they’re using the ending to tell a good story, go ahead and make it a 6.5 in your head.

Finish:

After several distractions from Jamie Hayter and Rebel (not Reba), Dr. Britt Baker hit Thunder Rosa with a curb-stomp to retain her AEW Women’s Championship.

Rating:

6.0 out of 10

Jon Moxley vs The American Dragon, Brian Danielson

Match Details:

This was the match I was looking forward to most, and not just because I like when Roberts yells, “JEHAAAAAAN MOXXXXXXLAYYYY!”  It didn’t disappoint.  They wrestled like two guys that had been wrestling for a decade (which they have), instead of doing the thing where they pretend they’ve never wrestled before.  They had counters to moves, counters to those counters, and counters to those counters to those counters.  The crowd was even more dead than they had been for the women’s title match (which I get, it’s been a long time since we’ve been able to assemble in large groups and our social meters are a lot lower), but Tony Schiavone was getting so excited that he couldn’t help but stand up.  The first time I watched the match, I’ll admit that I was just as fatigued as they were, but I enjoyed this so much the second time I watched it.  If I had to make a complaint, it would be that these guys shouldn’t be cutting themselves so much.  If you bleed, that’s cool, but I think we’re past the point in wrestling fandom where we want blood twice a day.  Lots of highlights in this match, including:

• Moxley waiting patiently for Danielson to get out of the ropes, and then calmly slapping him in the face instead of rushing in, getting broken up by the ref and then cheap-shotted like most dumbass faces.

• Danielson going for his trusty “Yes!” kicks (or whatever the AEW equivalent is), and Mox knowing the deal and covering his head, but Danielson knowing that he’d know and kicking him in the stomach instead.

• I don’t think I’ve ever seen a guy rake another guy’s back so hard that he drew blood before.  I’m not sure I love it, but it was interesting!

• The measured punches to the face at the end of the match were absolutely brutal.

Finish:

Mox reverses the aforementioned punches to the face into a pin for the win.  After the match, the two came to blows once again, and my dream of seeing these two guys start a group together started slipping away, only for William Freakin’ Regal to pull them apart and make them shake hands.  I want to thank WWE for releasing Regal, because the only thing cooler than Mox and Dragon teaming up for an Evolution style faction is for Regal to be the Flair to their collective Triple H.  Now they’ll just need a heater.  I know of a particularly large fella who’s about to be leaving a group.  (Remember, I haven’t seen Dynamite yet.  This could be so fucking incorrect)

Rating:

9.1

Six-Man Tornado Tag, AHFO (Andrade El Idolo, Matt Hardy and Isiah Kassidy) vs Sammy Guevara, Sting, and Darby Allin

Match Details:

I have a hard time caring about this match, because it doesn’t seem like there’s real consequences, and I wish two of the six guys wrestling in it would just go away.  I’ve never been a huge fan of Sting.  When amongst my friends, I never refer to him as Sting, but as Darby Allin’s BFF.  Matt Hardy was one of my favorite wrestlers growing up, and he has a genius mind, but my dude can barely walk anymore, and I wish he would just be a manager.  Sadly, all the signs seem to be pointing to a Hardy Boyz (can we call them that in AEW or will it be spelled boiz?) reunion, so it seems like we’ll be getting more of Matt wrestling instead of less.  That all being said, the other four guys can really go, so I was just hoping for something entertaining. I got that, and then some:

• Andrade finally got some shine!  The problem with having this much talent on one roster and having only three hours of wrestling a week is that sometimes good wrestlers sit on the back burner for a while (see also: Miro).  Andrade has a flurry of offense at the beginning of the match, culminating in him casually throwing a trash can at Sting and making me giggle.

• Sammy’s cutter, which never fails to amaze me.  He and Fenix can do things that don’t even make sense to me.

• Speaking of Sammy, the way he sells this in this match is legendary.  I think Sammy works better as a heel (because he’s too good looking and it’s easy to rub that in people’s faces), but his work as TNT champion has been Dynamite (tee-hee!), and he has been working overtime making his opponents look good.  Check him out taking a twist of fate like a champ, or when he appears to have been murdered by this chair.

• “Gene Snitsky” pulling security ring-side.  Glad to see he got off the roids.

• The silly-string is a cool fucking move, but I’d like to see Private Party get more to do than be background actors in Matt Hardy’s promos and occasionally scream like women (although that does always get a smile out of me).  I was there in Boston the night they upset the Young Bucks in the tournament to crown the first ever tag team champions (banger of a match, by the way), and it just seems like they should be further along than this.

• I’ve written a ton about Sammy already, but I’d be amiss if I didn’t mention how rad this Spanish Fly was (made even radder by Aubrey’s reaction to it).  Sammy stole the show in this match.

• You’re gonna think I’m shitting on Sting for no reason, but the setting up of three tables on top of each other and Andrade falling down on it to set up Sting jumping on top of him and through all three tables took so long that even though it was visually very cool, I just didn’t care.

• Darby countering the Twist of Hate by hitting Matt with the chair around his neck was pretty freakin’ cool.  Probably Matt’s idea.  Guy’s still a genius.

Finish

Darby Allin completely misses Matt Hardy with a Coffin Drop but Excalibur pretends it connected enough for the win.  A decently fun spot-fest, something enjoyable enough to watch while folding my laundry and getting ready for the Main Event.

Rating:

7.2

Main Event: “Hangman” Adam Page (C) vs Adam Cole

Match Details:

Okay, let’s first address the elephant in the room, shall we?  The crowd, who had been asleep for a while, comes to life, and goes into business for themselves.  They decided that the most important part of the match was that both participants were named Adam.  At first, I found this hilarious, then I was annoyed, and like a good Peter Griffin repeat stuff joke, it became funny again.  So, before I describe what happened in the match, let’s do a quick recap of the “Adam” jokes, baybay.

1.      “Let’s Go Adam”

The first chant.  I can almost guarantee that every single person there became filled with jealousy upon hearing it and decided they would try to one-up it.  Wrestling fans are a fickle beast.

2.      Dueling “Let’s go Adam, Adam Sucks” chants. 

I was still in on the joke at this point, but was then ready to lock in on the match, because after all, there were two world-class performers in the ring.

3.      “Adam”

What?  Come on guys, you’ve already done the joke.  This one was just lazy.  I was getting mad, because all I wanted to do was see a kick-ass match.

4.      “What’s up, Adam, what’s up”

Fuck you.

5.      “We want Adam”

I want to strangle every last one of them.

6.      “This is Adam”

Immediately after a “this is awesome” chant, this was the one that sucked me back in.  Probably my favorite one of the night.

7.      “Fight for Adam”

A funny take on the “fight forever” chant that popped up six or seven years ago and has been quite popular.

Honorable Mention: The “If Adam wins we riot” sign was pretty clever.

To be honest, the “Adam” stuff was very distracting, and it hindered my enjoyment of the match on my first viewing.  The second time I viewed it, however, I realized that it kicked way more ass than I had previously thought.  My initial assessment had been that the match was good, but it turned out to be great.  Here are some of the highlights:

• The Page powerbomb on the apron into an Orihara Moonsault combination was delightful.  Page’s moonsault is underrated; it’s not as good as Io Sharai’s, but it’s sure as shit better than Charlotte Flair’s.

• I’ve seen the moonsault turned into a superkick from Adam Cole before, but it doesn’t make it any less beautiful, and I liked the added wrinkle of Hangman hitting him with a mule kick just before.

• When O’Reilly and Fish came down, I was a bit annoyed.  After all, the erstwhile Undisputed Era interfering in Cole’s matches became old hat years ago.  However, when a distracted Hangman took a superkick from behind, it was almost worth the distraction.  Besides, the most frustrating distraction in this match was the crowd, not reDRagon.

• I was also annoyed when Cole kicked Page in the balls after another diversion from Bobby and Cool Kyle, but his being in a rush afterwards and not removing his knee pad to Lower the Boom was creative, and allowed Page to kick out.  I don’t think I would have noticed that unless Excalibur explained it, so this is one of those rare times in wrestling when telling me after showing me is the right thing to do.  Excalibur seems to have a good sense of when to do both.

• I know the Dead-eye through the table was pretty cool, but this was after the third instance of reDRagon getting involved.  I was relieved when the Dark Order came out to put an end to their involvement (and it’s always good to see John Silver).  I was intrigued by the fact that the Bucks didn’t get involved.  I thought for sure they would and then Omega would come back and wonder why they had Cole’s back but not his.  I don’t see it as a missed opportunity though, because I trust AEW to tell me a good story.  It’s so good to finally have a wrestling company that makes me feel like that.

Finish:

It was at this point that the crowd forgot how cool they were and just enjoyed the ending of the match.  When Hangman tied Cole up in the ropes with his belt (calling back to when Cole did the same to him on the go-home Dynamite), I thought for half a minute that they might be pulling a double turn.  But that wouldn’t have made much sense, and Hangman Lowers the Boom on Cole (I always pop when someone steals their opponent’s finisher, going back to the days of Stone Cold and Rock ripping each other off multiple times a match), rolls out of the ring, and hits the Buckshot Lariat to retain his title.

Rating:

8.7 out of 10

All things being said, this was a fantastic PPV, and one deserving of the time it took me to write a nearly 7,000-word book report.  I enjoyed doing this, and if you guys don’t hate on me too much for my lack of punctuality, maybe I’ll do it again in the future.  If you’ve stuck around this long, you deserve my thanks.

(The ratings for the Christmas Spirit meter are out of five Christmas Trees )

1. Boy Meets World, Season Four, Episode 12: “Easy Street”

Original Air Date:

12/13/96

How to Stream This Episode in 2021:

Free with Disney+ subscription, available for purchase on Apple TV

Why This Made the List: 

Nostalgia.  Cory and Shawn are my second favorite best friend television duos where one of their names is Shawn, which I think is a BIG deal.  As often happened in this show, this episode was about Shawn Hunter going down a bad road and Cory Matthews showing him the way back through the power of friendship. 

Random Quote That Evan Loves: 

“Come over to my house, we’ll put the Teddy under the tree, and at the end of the night we’ll play a little game called, ‘Let’s guess the street value of the Teddy.’”

-Cory Matthews

Christmas Spirit Meter:

2. BoJack Horseman Christmas Special: “Sabrina’s Christmas Wish”

Original Air Date:

12/19/14

How to Stream This Episode in 2021:

Free with Netflix subscription.

Why This Made the List:

It’s fucking hysterical.  Also, Allison Brie.  Also, all the “But this is ridiculous!” jokes that mock every TV show we watched growing up.  Also, the guy in the crowd who yells random shit.  Also, IT’S FUCKING HYSTERICAL.  The idea of two characters in a TV show Mystery Science Theatering a show that one of those fictional characters used to be on is a little meta, but in a good way.  It doesn’t really leave you feeling the Christmas spirit, but it’s worth the watch.

Random Quote That Evan Loves:

“I like it when people on TV hug each other.”

-Todd Chavez

Christmas Spirit Meter:

3. New Girl, Season One, Episode Nine, “The 23rd”

Original Air Date:

12/13/11

How to Stream This Episode in 2021:

Free with Netflix subscription, available for purchase on YouTube, Google Play, Apple TV, Vudu, and Amazon Prime.

Why This Made the List:

Elizabeth Merriweather knows how to do a holiday episode.  Every Thanksgiving episode (besides the outdoor camping one that I DESPISE, possibly my least favorite New Girl episode) was written and performed masterfully, and the Christmas episodes were almost as good.  If you don’t like New Girl, this might not be the list for you, because by next year there’s going to be at least three Christmas episodes from that show on here, and if they ever do a reunion Christmas special like the Brady Bunch did, that bad boy will probably make it on as well.  Moving on to why I like this episode specifically, let’s talk details.  In descending order of Christmas importance:  The Candy Cane Lane scene, CeCe in a bikini, CeCe’s shitty boyfriend being played by the Green Arrow, Schmidt as Santa Claus, the glare that Stephen Amell gives Schmidt while he gives CeCe her present WHILE she’s in her bikini, Winston’s adorable friendship with Alvin, Jess dumping Paul (I love Justin, but a little Genzlinger goes a Long Way [pun obviously intended]), and CeCe in a bikini.  This episode did trigger me a bit, since Jess’ relationship with Paul is every cuffing season relationship that I’ve ever had, but I can move past that since it’s so Christmasy.

Random Quote That Evan Loves:

“This is my nightmare!”

-Nick Miller, for what I believe is the first time

Christmas Spirit Meter:

4. Community Season 3, Episode 10: Regional Holiday Music

Original Air Date:

12/8/11

How to Stream This Episode in 2021:

Free with Netflix, Hulu, fuboTV, Amazon Prime Video, and Philo subscriptions, available for purchase on YouTube, Apple TV, Vudu, and Google Play.

Why This Made the List:

You may find yourself surprised that I didn’t go with season two’s “Abed’s Uncontrollable Christmas,” but though I loved that one the first time I saw it, it’s rewatchability is sorely lacking, and one of the core requirements of Christmas episodes is that you can watch it every year.  This musical episode, however, gets better every time I watch!  Annie’s Christmas Seduction makes me feel weird things (again, Allison Brie), Troy and Abed’s rap is actually good (check out the video in the random quote section and then let yourself go down the rabbit hole of Community raps), and we wrap up the episode with a lesson about friendship, featuring the always-wonderful Tarran Killam admitting to murdering the Glee Club.  The whole thing is a wonderful mockery of that show Glee, which stuck around too long and only helped the world by giving Jane Lynch more screen time and Grant Gustin the role of The Flash.  This episode is not that Christmasy, but Dan Harmon’s cult classic has a weird magic about it that is similar to the one that makes us be nice to each other for exactly twenty-five days out of the year.

Random Quote That Evan Loves:

All of this:

(Community)

Christmas Spirit Meter:

5. The O.C., Season One, Episode Thirteen, “Best Chrismukkah Ever”

Original Air Date:

12/3/03

How to Stream This Episode in 2021:

Free with subscription to Hulu and HBO Max, available to purchase on YouTube, Google Play, Apple TV, and Vudu.

Why This Made the List:

Okay, you must be a bit shocked that this is on here, right?  I mean, I don’t strike myself as the kind of guy who would watch The O.C., so I can only imagine what you must be thinking.  I started watching this show as a legitimate punishment (ex-wives can be cruel), but I fell in love with Seth Cohen’s witty charm, and this episode highlights that very charm.  In fact, if you take away the teenage angst of Ryan and Marissa (wahhhhh I can’t accept anything in my life without alcohol or shoplifting), this whole episode fills me to the brim with Christmas cheer.  Adam Brody carries this episode on his back, and watching his character use a made-up holiday in order to not have to choose between two gorgeous girls is a truly beautiful thing (even though Rachel Bilson is the correct choice when it comes to choosing between Rachel Bilson and anything).  Also, even though I know where it’s going, it’s a bit heartwarming that he chooses to be friends with both of them instead of hurting either of them.  The great thing about this episode (as you might have guessed from the title) is that it celebrates both Christian and Jewish traditions, and though it may come off as a bit hokey, it’s actually kind of nice.  As a side note, any show that includes Peter Gallagher is doing all right by me!

Random Quote That Evan Loves:

“C’mon man, don’t even say that.  Chrismukkah is unruinable, it’s got twice the resistance of a normal holiday!”

-Seth Cohen (but also the entire cold open is a well-deserved candidate, my dude is a quote machine)

Christmas Spirit Meter:

6. New Girl, Season Four, Episode Eleven, “LAXmas”

Original Air Date:

12/9/14

How to Stream This Episode in 2021:

Free with Netflix subscription, available for purchase on YouTube, Google Play, Apple TV, Vudu, and Amazon Prime.  (Copy paste, baybay!)

Why This Made the List:

Here we are at the second New Girl episode on the list.  Where to begin?  This episode is stacked with guest stars, including Barry Bostnick as the douche bag in the airport lounge, Dennis Haskins (Mr. Belding) as pervert Santa, Steve Agee as Outside Dave, Curtis Armstong as Principal Foster, and Billy Eichner in a fantastic role as flight attendant Barry.  Sure, Eichner is pretty much one-note, but that note is a fantastic one, and I enjoy him in pretty much everything I see him in.  The only negative thing you could say about this episode is that there isn’t enough Winston or Nick, but they do shine in the relatively small roles they have.  The idea of Jess’ friends getting off their respective planes at Christmastime LAX to help her build the courage to try and make it work with Ryan is heartwarming.  It’s also no small feat of kindness.  I’ve done Christmastime LAX several times, and it’s a nightmarish hellscape from which there is no escape.  I’ve been conditioned over the last two decades to associate “God Only Knows” with Christmas Spirit, so having Zoe Deschanel singing a cover of that song to end the episode hits me right in the Kris Kringles (what can I say, I’m a sucker for British Prime Ministers dancing for no reason).

Random Quote That Evan Loves:

“It’s actually a polio horse, originally they were bred as helper horses for people with polio, but I don’t think anything of what I just said was correct, so…”

Winston Bishop, AKA Winnie the Bish, AKA AKA Prank Sinatra

Christmas Spirit Meter:

7. The West Wing, Season Two, Episode Ten, “Noel”

Original Air Date:

12/20/00

How to Stream This Episode in 2021:

Free with an HBO Max subscription, available to purchase on YouTube, Google Play, Apple TV, Vudu, and Amazon Prime.

Why This Made the List:

This episode gets a lot of love, and like everything Aaron Sorkin has ever written, it deserves that love.  However, I would wager that when most people think of The West Wing and Christmas, they are thinking about season one’s “In Excelsis Deo,” an episode about Toby attempting to give a proper burial to a homeless veteran, which, as a veteran myself, you might assume I love.  I do love it, by the way, but it doesn’t really hit me in the yuletide feels.   This episode, however, very much does.  It’s set after the transcendent “In the Shadow of Two Gunmen” (yet another of Sorkin’s glorious episodes; honestly, just watch every episode of this show until he leaves after season four), in which Bradley Whitford’s Joshua Lyman was shot in the chest and nearly died.  Whitford shines in this episode.  It might be my favorite piece of acting he’s ever done, which is saying something, since he’s also crushed roles as a conniving businessman with no ethics (who drinks his own pee) and as a racist surgeon who gives white people black bodies.  He’s not alone in giving a superb performance, however, as Adam Arkin (one of my favorite character actors, if not my favorite) guest stars and knocks his role of Dr. Stanley Keyworth out of the park.  These two incredible actors playing off each other using Aaron Sorkin dialogue would be enough to make this episode worth watching, but it’s how Christmas bells are incorporated into Josh’s post-traumatic stress episodes that makes this episode as brilliant as it is, and it is the friendship of Josh’s colleagues that stirs the Christmas spirit within me.  And, most importantly, this episode is the origin of the “Guy Falls Into a Hole” story that recurs throughout the series (and is featured in the random quotes section below), and is the moment that makes me feel Christmasy all over, because to me, Christmas is about being there for your friends and family.  And drinks on Christmas Eve to get away from them 😉.

Random Quote That Evan Loves:

(The West Wing)

Christmas Spirit Meter:

8. Ted Lasso, Season Two, Episode Four, “Carol of the Bells”

Originally Aired:

08/13/21

How to Stream This Episode in 2021:

Free with an Apple TV+ subscription

Why This Made the List:

Okay, it might seem a bit nuts to throw an episode that debuted this year on a list of my all-time favorite Christmas episodes, but when the show in question is one that’s this good, I feel like I deserve a pass.   Also, like I wrote in the Community episode summary, the mark of a good Christmas episode is that it feels almost magical, and no show does that as well as Ted Lasso.  I simply cannot believe the pure joy I get from watching this show, and I did not feel any different re-watching this episode for what is now the third time (I’ve already seen every Ted Lasso episode at least twice, except for the Coach Beard episode, which I didn’t like and skipped on the rewatch, but I feel like I will grow to love eventually).  Oddly enough, I actually like it more, probably because the first time I watched it was in August and it means more at Christmastime.  I love everything about this episode, from the Secret Santa with McAdoo as a bad-ass MC Santa, to Ted and Rebecca playing elves, to the Christmas party hosted by Higgins.  I even love the obligatory “Love Actually” posterboard scene, because nothing involving Roy Kent can ever be bad.  I do wish we could have seen a bit more Coach Beard, but since he’s spending Christmas with Jane, we can assume that he had a very frustrating time and didn’t really need to see it.  Also, fuck Nate (I reserve the right to change my mind if he redeems himself before the series concludes).

Random Quote That Evan Loves:

“To the family we’re born with, and to the family we make along the way, and most importantly, TO RICHMOND!”

-Leslie Higgins

Christmas Spirit Meter:

9.  Psych, Season Five, Episode Fourteen, “Polarizing Express”

Why This Made the List:

I’m hardly going to make a list of things that are good without including James Roday-Rodriguez’s hair or Maggie Lawson’s smile.  This episode is up there in my list of top Psych episodes, which is saying something.  This show has its slow moments, but when it’s cooking, it’s cooking, and it’s certainly doing so in their season five Christmas special.  Highlights include: Tony Cox playing himself in a Shawn Spencer dream sequence (the comedic chemistry between these two is insane considering that Tony is only in one episode of Psych and I couldn’t find anything else they’d been in together), Wilin’ with the Gusters (dream sitcom), Gus and Lassie’s different ways of getting nosy neighbors to go away, Gus’ Bill Compton impression, and Shawn using his incredible charm and hair to convince a neighborhood to testify against a piece of crap gangster.  I also want to point out Jacob Vargas’ spectacular job as a grieving widow craving justice and willing to do anything to get it.

Random Quote That Evan Loves:

“It’s not about me and which roles I should I have gotten over Dinklage…”

-Tony Cox

Christmas Spirit Meter:

10. It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Season 6, Episode 13, “A Very Sunny Christmas”

Original Air Date:

12/9/10

How to Stream This Episode in 2021:

Free with Hulu, Sling TV, and fuboTV subscriptions, available for purchase on Apple TV, YouTube, Google Play, Vudu, and Amazon Prime

Why This Made the List:

It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia is a television program that focuses on five of the most despicable human beings in the world.  That’s the premise of the show.  So, it goes without saying that their characters experience Christmas in an extremely warped way.  All four of the Sunny “kids” have had their own specific Christmas traumas bestowed on them.  We have a father who buys whatever his kids wildest desires are and then gives them to himself to “teach them a lesson,” a father that makes his child an accessory to breaking and entering, and a mother who prostitutes herself all day long on Christmas.  You would think that these grown children, upon realizing that their Christmas traumas were entirely caused by their parents, would grow from this and learn to cope, but this is Always Sunny, so they instead decide to band together and bully everyone around them into giving them the best Christmas they can have.  This isn’t the cheeriest of holiday specials, but it’s so deliciously evil and wickedly funny that it is must-watch for me every yuletide season.

Random Quote That Evan Loves:

“Oh, you go fuck yourself in your fat fucking ass.”

-Dennis Reynolds, Christmas Cheer Expert

Christmas Spirit Meter:

So, that’s it for this year. Join me next year, when I add three or four shows to the list and try to pass it off as new content. Merry Christmas!

First things first.  Why is this an article about wrestling instead of Family Matters?  To be honest, I always wanted to write about wrestling, but I considered the market cornered.  At the time I started writing OUM (if you don’t know what that is, just skip to the next paragraph), there was a writer who I considered to be the Best in the World (sic), so I didn’t want to encroach on his territory.  However, that writer has not written in over a year, so I figured, what the hell?  Maybe I can stand on a corner near where he used to stand.

In 2011, WWE “Superstar”* CM Punk sat down crisscross applesauce and delivered what would come to be known as The Pipe Bomb, widely considered one of the greatest promos in the history of the wrestling business.  In it, Punk skewered the company he worked for, criticizing them for their mistreatment of him and other wrestlers.  He also told the world that his contract was ending the night after the next pay-per-view, on which he was challenging the company’s bestest boy, John Cena, for the WWE championship.  Punk informed a captive audience that his intention was to leave the company with the title, an act that would embarrass the company’s Chairman and biggest on-screen villain, Vincent Kennedy McMahon.

*I wrote “superstar” in quotations because despite the fact that the middle W in WWE stands for “Wrestling,” Vince McMahon abhors when his performers use the word on television.  He’s a carny who’s ashamed of being a carny, not to mention a millionaire who should be a billionaire.

That pay-per-view (Money in the Bank 2011) ended with CM Punk doing just that.  He pinned John Cena (basically) cleanly in the middle of the ring, leapt into his hometown crowd of Chicago, Illinois, and blew McMahon a kiss as the screen faded to black.  What made this storyline so interesting was the blurring of real life and the grey area that is professional wrestling.  Punk’s contract actually did expire at midnight, and when he won the championship he had still yet to sign an extension.  He tweeted a picture of the championship title belt inside of his refrigerator, and then vanished for a little over a week.  WWE moved on with their ever-continuing storytelling, and started a tournament to crown a new champion.  After a new champion (Cena, again) was crowned, Punk returned with new music (Cult of Personality by Living Colour) and the old belt and challenged Cena to see who the new champion would be.  It was a once-in-a-generation opportunity to tell six months to a year of amazing stories with two charismatic showmen in the prime of their careers.

Unsurprisingly to those who have watched WWE faithfully for decades, they botched The Summer of Punk.  After another banger Punk/Cena match, they would convolute the whole storyline by involving aging NWO star Kevin Nash and “Money in the Bank” winner Alberto Del Rio (who, as it turns out, isn’t a great guy).  SummerSlam ended with neither Cena or Punk as champion, and Punk moved into a storyline with Nash and Nash’s best friend, HHH.  This was a catastrophe, punctuated by the bizarre choice to have HHH (McMahon’s real-life son-in-law) pin CM Punk clean at Night of Champions.  WWE would eventually course-correct and give Punk a more than year-long championship reign, but the damage had been done.

Meanwhile, CM Punk’s health began to decline.  As Punk himself later talked about on his (then) best friend Colt Cabana’s “Art of Wrestling” podcast, he had allegedly developed a staph infection that WWE’s medical team had incorrectly misdiagnosed as a fatty deposit.  The doctor that treated him, Dr. Christopher Amann, later sued Punk and Cabana for defamation of character, but they were found innocent.  An increasingly hurting Punk asked WWE for some time off, which they put off and put off until Punk, fed up with his situation and struggling with his mental and physical health, left the company in January 2014.  WWE suspended him under breach of contract, and when they still couldn’t get him to return after the conclusion of the suspension, Punk was fired in June of 2014 (oh his wedding day, no less).

Okay, so now that I’ve caught you up on the facts that you almost certainly already know, let’s fast forward a little and discuss some more pertinent information that you also likely know.  In May of 2019, a group of wrestlers known as “The Elite” put on a wrestling event that was remarkable in that the bookers of the show were the wrestlers themselves.  It was a smashing success, and it caught the eye of Tony Khan, the son of Jacksonville Jaguars’ owner Shad Kahn (this is the last time in this article that Shad will be mentioned, so if you read the name Khan going forward, think Tony).  Tony had long wanted to get into the wrestling business, and he saw in The Elite the opportunity to do so.  Together they founded All Elite Wrestling, an alternative to WWE that would feature more creative freedoms for the performers.  This too was a resounding success, and many of WWE’s roster left the company, eager to satisfy their artistic hunger.  Among the notable defectors were Jon Moxley (formerly known as WWE’s Dean Ambrose) and the late Brodie Lee (Luke Harper).

It became almost as fun for wrestling fans to speculate on who was going to defect to AEW is it was to watch their shows. For all of its short tenure, CM Punk’s name was thrown around more than anyone’s (with the possible exception being Brian “Daniel Bryan” Danielson; the jury is still out on if he’ll show up).  In a recent teleconference, Khan himself admitted that he had been trying to sign Punk for the entirety of AEW’s existence.

The success of AEW’s flagship two-hour program, “Dynamite” led to the desire for them to create more weekly content, so they created a second show to be called “Rampage,” and announced that they would air a special episode called “The First Dance” (a reference to the acclaimed Michael Jordan documentary, “The Last Dance”).  TNT Champion Darby Allin was interviewed (along with his best friend, whose name escapes me at the moment) about this event, and told backstage reporter Alex Marvez that AEW is the place to prove that you’re the greatest of all time, “even if you think you’re the best in the world.”  This, of course, is a thinly veiled reference to the Pipe Bomb, in which CM Punk calls himself that very thing.  For the first time in seven years, it seemed obvious that CM Punk would be returning to the sport of professional wrestling.

Last Friday, on August 20, 2021, a sold-out crowd in Chicago witnessed that return.  Coming out to his trademark Cult of Personality, CM Punk delivered what almost felt like a sermon, working the crowd in a way that few in the wrestling business can.  He shit-talked WWE, hyped up a match with Darby Allin in September, and gave everyone in the arena ice cream bars.

What does this mean for the future?  Well, for me, it’s a chance for a re-do of the “Summer of Punk” (the WWE one, not the Ring of Honor one [Hey Colt Cabana, how you doing?]), and this time, I actually trust the company I’m watching to do it well.  With the exception of that match, AEW has done nothing but tell me good stories and subvert my expectations.  Plus, CM Punk has always said that he wouldn’t come back without someone offering him a big bag of cash and creative storylines that piqued his interest, and Punk isn’t the kind of guy who doesn’t follow through with things he says he’ll do.   I wouldn’t expect anything less than six months to a year of enthralling television.  And that’s if he’s even half the man I think he is, which is to say, the best in the world.

(And while you’re at it, AEW, please re-do Punk vs. Jericho!)

March 13, 1992

Previously on OUM: Steve wanted to kiss Laura, but didn’t want to kiss her if she didn’t want to kiss him, which she didn’t, but then she did.  They didn’t kiss.

You can watch full episodes of Family Matters with a subscription to Hulu or YouTubeTV.

If you missed the last recap, you can read it here. Any “Only Urkel Matters” that you may have missed can be found here.

If you find yourself befuddled by anything written in this blog, or you’ve forgotten what specific abbreviations stand for, check out the Glossary I’ve made to clear up such confusions!

Only Urkel Matters is on Instagram! Check us out for the best Urkel content on The Gram (including sneak peeks of columns!) You should also like 7th Evan on Facebook, so you’ll know the moment an OUM is available!

Cold Open:

The episode begins with Carl opening his front door to reveal Lieutenant Murtaugh in an ascot.  Obviously, he’s dressed this way for a reason, and we find out that it’s because he’s just purchased his dream car: a 1969 Pontiac Firebird Convertible.  He tells his sergeant that he’s now in tremendous debt, but that it was worth it, which is a sentence I’ve only heard uttered by complete fools.  Obviously, this car needs to be destroyed immediately for comedy’s sake, and we hear a car’s wheels screeching followed by the unmistakable sounds of a fender bender.  The Lieutenant wants to know if Car recognizes the person behind the wheel, whom I naturally assumed was Eddie.  It turns out to be Mother Winslow instead.  She comes in with the license plate of Murtaugh’s now wrecked vehicle, and tells Carl to find out whose it is, and read them the riot act.  She compliments Murtaugh’s as(s)cot, and we head into the theme song.

The Story:

Waldo and Eddie are sitting at Rachel’s Place, and Eddie decides that they should go try to pick up some chicks.  Waldo, true to form, is worried that they might get a hernia.  He thinks it’s a safer idea to begin bench pressing little kids before they move on to trying to pick up young women.  An exasperated Eddie leaves the table, and attempts to flirt with a young woman.  The girl sees him coming, and immediately sprints out of the restaurant.  Eddie follows her out the door like some sort of smitten cartoon character.  Steve approaches the table, where a gloomy looking Waldo is sitting, and asks him what’s wrong.  Waldo tells him that he is bummed because he can’t talk to girls, and any time he does, his mind goes blank.  Steve can’t resist taking a shot at people’s intellects, so he tells poor Waldo that he believes that.  Urkel leaves the table, and asks Laura to try and perk Waldo up.  Laura is a good person, so of course she tries.  She tells Waldo that he’s one of the nicest boys she’s ever met, and that any girl would be lucky to have him.  After she leaves, the Urkman comes back and asks Waldo if he’s feeling better.  Waldo replies that he is, but now he has a bigger problem: Laura is in love with him.

Back at the Winslows’, Steve rushes through the front door.  He tells Laura that she has a big problem.  He explains the conversation that he had with Waldo, but Laura brushes it off.  Steve tells her that she needs to set poor Waldo straight before he falls in love with her, but Laura humbly tells him that this isn’t going to happen.  Steve can’t believe what he’s hearing, because he understands that to know Laura Winslow is to fall in love with her.  Some girls just have the uncanny ability to make men fall desperately in love with them, and Urkel obviously knows that Laura is one of those gals.  Laura again disagrees, and says that the day Waldo falls in love with her is the day she eats her science book.  Just then, Waldo bursts through the door, and he’s dressed to the nines.  Steve takes one look at Laura, hands her the science book, and says, “Bon Appetite.”  Waldo strolls confidently over to Laura and delivers a line that would make any woman weak in the knees:

(Family Matters)

After this small burst of confidence, Waldo falls prey to his confessed shortcomings; he has an extremely difficult time figuring out what to say to women.  He struggles through the whole thing, but is eventually able to ask Laura on a date for the following evening.  To Steve’s shock and horror, Laura accepts.  Urkel asks Waldo how he can do this to him, and Waldo’s response is ice cold:

(Family Matters)

I know, I know, I posted back-to-back clips, but you can’t expect there to be a Waldo-centric episode that I’m not obsessed with from the word go.

The next day comes, and Waldo and Laura are out on their date. As always, it takes place at Rachel’s Place.  You would think the Winslow kids would like to go on just ONE date that wasn’t in front of their aunt. An incredulous Steve is somehow their waiter.  I feel like Rachel really boned him on this one.  Imagine having to wait on your buddy while he takes out a girl you have a huge crush on.  After taking Laura to the movies, Waldo is now short on cash, so while Laura gets a cheeseburger and fries (she asks him if this is okay, which is kind of sweet, but also kind of insulting) Waldo just gets a water.  Steve rolls his eyes and walks away.  Laura, in a truly kind gesture, asks Waldo to dance.  She could have just accepted that this would be a terrible date, but instead she’s trying to make the best of this.  It’s really nice to see this side of her.  She’d treat Steve this way too if he wasn’t such a creep all the time.  When Waldo selects a slow song, Laura offers her arms, waiting for him to hold her closely (yet another kind-hearted act).  Waldo, however, has a different plan:

(Family Matters)

After pulling the plug on the jukebox, Laura sprints back to the table, embarrassed.  A cocky Waldo struts over and asks her, “Couldn’t keep up, huh baby?”  After a few minutes of typical Waldo conversation, Waldo tells Laura that he isn’t sensing a love connection, and doesn’t think they should see each other again.  A shocked Laura pretends that this is cutting her to the core, and Waldo tells her that “Newsweek heals all wounds.”  Honestly, that’s such a good joke, and totally something I could see Andy Dwyer saying.  Waldo was way ahead of his time.  Waldo goes to kiss Laura’s hand, but gets his ring stuck between her teeth.  Honestly, this was one of the best scenes in this show’s thus-far brief run.

Conclusion:

After Waldo leaves (but not before promising to get Laura her ring back as soon as possible), Laura turns to see a jubilant Steve celebrating the fact that he is once again Laura’s number one choice for rejection.  Laura chuckles a bit, and tells him that he is her number one person to say “no” to.  Steve takes this as a compliment for some reason.  Carl and LT Murtaugh walk in, and the lieutenant is berating Carl about his mother’s driving, telling him that she is too old to be allowed to continue.  When Carl rejects this premise, Murtaugh tells him that he checked her license at the DMV, and that her license number is seven.  Carl is furious, and demands that Murtaugh apologize.  Urkel attempts to intervene, and tells them to sit down so he can grab them a nice slice of pie.  Upon hearing the word, “pie,” Murtaugh gets a mischievous look in his eye, and from there it’s an absolute sprint to the end of the episode:

(Family Matters)

Carl’s actions will almost certainly lead to some sort of reprimand, and they definitely lead to the end of the episode.  I really enjoyed this one.  That makes back-to-back episodes!  Maybe they’re finally starting to hit their groove.  I hope so, because I was getting really tired of writing negative shit all the time.

Join me next time, when I discuss Episode 3.22, “The Urkel Who Came to Dinner.”  They’re going back to the “Who Came to Dinner” well again, huh?  Must’ve been a huge fan of that movie.

Please share this post on your favorite brand of social media by clicking its respective icon below. It really makes a huge difference in the amount of people who’ll read it, which I appreciate greatly.

February 28, 1992

Previously on OUM:  Laura got blackmailed by Cassie Lynn (who is every girl in high school that you ever hated) so Urkel sexually assaulted Cassie Lynn and blackmailed her with the evidence(?!).

You can watch full episodes of Family Matters with a subscription to Hulu or YouTubeTV.

If you missed the last recap, you can read it here. Any “Only Urkel Matters” that you may have missed can be found here.

If you find yourself befuddled by anything written in this blog, or you’ve forgotten what specific abbreviations stand for, check out the Glossary I’ve made to clear up such confusions!

Only Urkel Matters is on Instagram! Check us out for the best Urkel content on The Gram (including sneak peeks of columns!) You should also like 7th Evan on Facebook, so you’ll know the moment an OUM is available!

Cold Open:

Eddie, Waldo and the Urkman are sitting in the Winslow’s kitchen, looking at Steve’s prized baseball card collection.  Urkel mentions that he has two Mickey Mantle rookie cards, and Waldo has a very Waldo reaction to this:

Never change, Waldo Geraldo Faldo.  Steve has a plan to move his and Laura’s relationship to the “next level,” but it involves his buddies donning a costume.  When they balk at this, he offers them twenty dollars each, and they acquiesce.

The Story:

Laura and Maxine are on the couch, and they’re clearly depressed.  Laura remarks that she doesn’t think it’s possible for her to be more depressed.  If you watched this show, or if you read this blog, you should know that roughly 25% of the non-Jaleel White actors’ lines are just to set up an Urkel entrance, and this one isn’t any different.  This time, Hurricane Urkel is not alone:

(Family Matters)

Laura cuts the performance short, and tells Steve in no uncertain terms that he’s off his rocker if he thinks that recruiting more people to annoy her will help his cause in any fashion.  Eddie and Waldo leave, but since they’ve already gotten paid, they boogie their way out the door.  I wonder how long it took for them to synchronize so effectively.  Anyway, Steve asks Laura and Max why they are so glum, and it turns out that they had been trying to get tickets to the Johnny Gill concert, and even though they had camped out, the tickets were sold out by the time they got to the front of the line.  Urkel sees how desperate Laura is to see Johnny Gill, and strikes up a deal with her: if he can arrange a one-on-one meeting between the singer and Laura, she will plant a fat kiss on his nerdy lips.

Later, Carl is sitting on the couch, watching sports of some kind.  Seemed basketbally to me, but there’s no way to know for certain.  Harriette enters, and asks if he’s got a minute.  Carl, a fool, tells her “in about an hour.”  Way to make your lady feel appreciated, my dude.  Guys, I get it.  I’m FANATICAL about sports.  But one thing you should never do (though Lord knows I’ve made this mistake myself) is to choose watching a game over your lady.  If it’s an important game, I suggest making yourself scarce and heading to a local sports bar (if those ever open again; thanks COVID) and keeping yourself completely out of harms way.  Harriette handles this good naturedly, however, and simply turns off the TV.  Carl at least takes the hint at this point, and turns to give his wife his undivided attention.  Harriette asks him if he knows of anything happening the next week, and Carl replies that he does: it’s their twentieth wedding anniversary.  Harriette laments that they’ve never had a honeymoon, and Carl tells her that he too wishes they had, but they were dirt poor at the time of their wedding.  Harriette tells him that she’d like to rectify this problem by going on a honeymoon now, and Carl again would like to, but he knows they are still strapped for cash (four kids living in the house and a neighbor that constantly breaks your shit will do that to you).  Harriette tells him that if they go, she’ll wear a scant little piece of lingerie, and Carl responds like any hot-blooded heterosexual male would:

(Family Matters)

So they get in their car and drive, and are welcomed into the honeymoon suite by a kindly middle-aged man.  There’s only one problem: the cabin only has four walls. Carl and Harriette are obviously displeased, and they tell the man that they would like to stay in a room that is a tad bit more…complete.  The cabin owner tells them that this is unfortunately impossible.  He started construction on every room at the same time, and he ran out of money.  Literally none of his rooms have all four walls.  Carl tells him that he is going to find somewhere else to stay, and the inn keeper tells him that he shouldn’t.  There aren’t any rooms available for over 100 miles.  If I’m Carl, I’m driving those 100 miles.  That’s only about two hours, and at least you’d be warm in the car.

Later, Steve is sitting on the Winslow couch with his best gal.  Laura asks what the hell they’re doing, and the Urkman asks her for some patience.  On cue, the doorbell rings, and Laura goes to answer it.  She opens the door, and in strolls Johnny Fucking Gill:

(Family Matters)

Now, if you’re in your mid-thirties or lower, you might not know who this guy is, but let me just tell you that this dude was HUGE in the nineties.  He was in a little band called New Edition, ever heard of them?  Laura freaks out and faints, leaving Steve to drag her safely to the couch.  Johnny is here because he’s heard that someone has an extra Mickey Mantle rookie card, and he’d like to acquire it.  He and Steve begin to barter, and it’s worth watching:

(Family Matters)

Not bad comedic chops from our dude JFG here.  Why is every R&B singer also good at acting?  It’s like a LOCK at this point.

Carl and Harriette are still in the incomplete cabin, freezing their butts off.  A little boy comes wandering in, and challenges Carl to a snowball fight.  Carl declines, but the little boy decides to pelt him with one anyway. Carl turns on Harriette immediately, blaming her for not figuring out the cabin’s deficiencies before he drove three and a half hours to the world’s shittiest honeymoon suite.  Harriette is angry that she is being blamed for this, and builds up to saying something particularly nasty to Carl, but before she can, she spots the goat eating Carl’s shorts:

Carl scares off Mr. Tumnus, and he and Harriette share a huge laugh.  Lucky that the goat showed up; they seemed like they were on a path straight to divorce town.  Carl and Harriette make up, and he asks her to put on the sexy lingerie, even though it’s freezing outside.  Carl tells her that he’ll keep her warm.  Harriette asks him, “What about the goat?” and Carl tells her that the goat can get his own woman.  Cute.  Speaking of cute, guys, WHAT ABOUT THE LITTLE KID WANDERING AROUND?  Are you just gonna fuck when he could come walking in at any moment?  Suspect choices.

Conclusion:

Back at the Winslow house, Laura is six deep into Johnny Gill songs.  Gill is definitely living up to his end of the bargain.  The man is a natural showman, and he’s putting on a SHOW, Jack.  Laura is so engrossed that she’s practically a puddle:

(Family Matters) That’s not the only puddle in the room, if you know what I’m saying.

Gill doesn’t stop just because his audience is catatonic.  He wants that Mickey Mantle rookie card, and he’s gonna earn it.  He sings to Steve, who is thoroughly unimpressed, and then moves his attention on to an unsuspecting Rachel, who freaks out and bolts from the room.  When he’s finished, Urkel hands Johnny the rookie card, because he’s a man of honor.  Gill leaves, and Laura prepares to kiss Steve (because she too possesses honor in spades).  Urkel does some warm up stretches to get ready for the kiss, but ultimately backs out.  To him, a kiss from Laura should be earned through winning her desire, not from a transaction.  Laura is impressed, and decides to kiss him anyway.  She leans in, and I’m thinking about how big a deal this is in the show’s history.  Like, I wrote a whole paragraph in my mind about how this is a seminal moment, but I didn’t get to write it, because this happens instead:

Laura begins to shake Steve, attempting to revive him, and the episode ends.  Honestly, pretty entertaining throughout.  I love when that happens.  Makes the work of recapping the episode fly by.  Sometimes, I feel like quitting after the first segment of the show.

Join me next time, when I break down Episode 3.21, “Stop in the Name of Love.”

Please share this post on your favorite brand of social media by clicking its respective icon below. It really makes a huge difference in the amount of people who’ll read it, which I appreciate greatly.

Original Air Date: February 21, 1992

Previously on OUM:  Laura got played by notorious fuckboy Daniel Wallace, and Urkel was so distraught he almost joined a monastery.  Also, I called the monastery a “Monkhouse” and not one of you caught on to what I was doing.  I’ve never been more enraged that a joke didn’t land.  That one was gold, guys.  GOLD.

You can watch full episodes of Family Matters with a subscription to Hulu or YouTubeTV.

If you missed the last recap, you can read it here. Any “Only Urkel Matters” that you may have missed can be found here.

If you find yourself befuddled by anything written in this blog, or you’ve forgotten what specific abbreviations stand for, check out the Glossary I’ve made to clear up such confusions!

Only Urkel Matters is on Instagram! Check us out for the best Urkel content on The Gram (including sneak peeks of columns!) You should also like 7th Evan on Facebook, so you’ll know the moment an OUM is available!

Cold Open:

NLR hides Rachel’s keys so that he doesn’t have to go to the dentist, but she tricks him into telling her where they are very easily.  Yes, I just TL;DRed a cold open.  You’re welcome.

The Story:

We start off at Vanderbilt High, where a student council meeting is in progress.  The president, Cassie Lynn, is busy being her terrible, popular high school girl self.  She will almost certainly become pregnant before twenty-two years of age.  Cassie Lynn attempts to adjourn the meeting, but Laura brings up some much needed changes that the school needs.  As she does, Hurricane Urkel blows in, representing the school newspaper, the Muskrat Times.  As usual, he’s dressed for the part.  Urkel asks Cassie Lynn what she plans to do about the things Laura suggested, and she tells him that she plans on banning him from future meetings.  Steve chastises her for censorship, and informs her that she can expect a scathing editorial.  Cassie Lynn announces her candidacy for another term as student council president, and basically bullies everyone in the room into not opposing her.  However, Principal Shimata, who has been standing in the background, voices his concern about a one-person race.  He then makes a weird analogy about how political races are like kissing, and that it’s more fun if two people are involved.  He’d be fired on the spot in 2020.  Then again, he’d also be wearing a mask, so he’d probably be less inclined to make a kissing metaphor. Steve nominates Laura, and the Principal seconds her nomination.  Laura is hesitant to join the race, but Cassie Lynn super-villains Laura into the race by telling her that she will crush anyone who dares oppose her.  She should have let sleeping dogs lie.  Laura can’t stand being told that she can’t do something, so she immediately accepts the nomination.  Everyone leaves except Cassie Lynn and her new lackey, Becky Sue.  You know a girl on TV is going to be a villain when she’s got two first names.  Cassie Lynn orders Becky Sue to find any dirt she can on Laura.

At the Winslow residence, Carl and Harriette are in the living room, surrounded by a group of neighbors.  Apparently, there have been a slew of petty crimes committed in their neighborhood, so Carl has gathered them to discuss creating a neighborhood watch.  Carl tells them that they need a watch commander, and it’s obvious that he wants it to be him, but he gets a little overdramatic in describing the defining characteristics of a good watch commander, and his neighbors decide that Harriette is an obvious choice.  Honestly, either Winslow would be a good call, but Harriette should know that Carl clearly wants this for himself and defer to him.  Instead, she accepts.  The neighbors suggest that everyone go to a local bar to toast their new watch commander, but Carl holds Harriette back to tell her that he wanted the job.  She doesn’t immediately acquiesce to his demands, so Carl begins to accost her about not being the right person for the job.  This does not work out for him:

Back at the school, Laura is up on a stool, hanging posters declaring her candidacy for president.  Ever her shadow, the Urkman is there to spot her, and it’s a good thing he is, because she falls almost immediately.  Fortunately for Laura, Steve is there to catch her.  Unfortunately for Laura, Becky Sue is there to snap some compromising photos of her. Unaware of this, Steve tells Laura that he could hold her forever, and Laura tells him he has one second to let her go.  Steve milks this for all it’s worth, making orgasm faces.  The show has become very fond of using this gimmick, and the well has just about run dry.  After Laura is released, Cassie Lynn approaches her and threatens to release these photos to the public if Laura doesn’t drop out of the race.  After Cassie and her Crony (coming this fall to UPN [‘member UPN?  I ‘member!]) walk away, Laura declares that she won’t back down to a hapless thug like Cassie Lynn.  Cassie Lynn’s inevitable downfall in this election will be not understanding her opponent at all.  This is the second time in two days that she has challenged Laura, thinking that she can bully her out of the race.  Those that fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it.

Back at the Winslow’s, Harriette is prepping Rachel and Estelle for their first shift on the neighborhood watch.  Carl scoffs at her instructions, and Harriette tells him that if he has something to say, he should just say it.  Carl questions her decision to send two defenseless women out into the night, especially since one of them is eighty-one years old.  Harriette tells him that she’s not sending them out into the night alone, and that he is on shift, which he would have known if he had checked the schedule.  Carl sighs, and articulates his desire to get the shift over with.  Before they can leave, Harriette informs Carl that he needs to wait for his team leader, Captain Funky Fresh.  Obviously, this is Eddie.  No one else on this show would hit that level of douche-baggery.  We will never see his like again.

We return to the high school, where Cassie Lynn is handing out gifts and saying, “Vote for Nubbles, wave bye-bye to troubles,” which is a catchy little line, but also, her last name is “Nubbles,” so why would anyone even talk to her, never mind vote for her?  The Urkman walks in, followed closely by Eddie.  Steve asks him if he’s ready, and Eddie confirms that he is.  The bell rings, signaling that it’s time for the kids to get to class, and the hallway begins to empty.  Steve walks over to Cassie Lynn, and asks for a moment of her time.  He asks her politely to forsake her plan to publish the compromising pictures, and she declines, stating that “all is fair in love and politics.”  Steve tells her that he’s glad she said that, and then plants a big fat kiss on her lips:

I left in Eddie’s, “Oh shit!” moment on purpose, because it’s good to see him being Urkel’s hype man, for once. (Family Matters)

After this borderline sexual assault, Urkel reveals that if Cassie Lynn distributes the pictures of him and Laura, he will do the same with the photos that Eddie just took.  Cassie Lynn agrees to back off and let the adolescent voters decide the election on their candidates’ merits, which actually skeeves her out a little bit.  Cassie Lynn stalks away, leaving Steve and Eddie to bask in the glory of their successful ruse.  Eddie tells Steve that he’s glad it worked, especially since he forgot to take the cap off of the camera lens.

The doorbell rings at the Winslows’, and Judy rushes downstairs to answer it.  She opens the door to find an elderly woman standing there with a pie.  The woman, who we find out is named Mrs. Pudney, asks if Harriette is home, and Judy tells her that she is not, but that Carl is.  Mrs. Pudney requests that Judy let him know that she is here, and Judy screams upstairs for her father, a classic nineties trope.  The old woman just wanted Judy to run upstairs and get Carl, but Judy chose to scream instead!  It’s funny.  Do you get it?  LAUGH, DAMN IT!  Poor Jaimee Foxworth.  I can see why she left the show and pursued…other avenues.  Carl comes down the stairs, and Mrs. Pudney hands him the pie.  Carl tells her that it’s very nice of her, and asks her if there is a special reason that she baked Harriette a pie.  The old woman tells her that the previous evening, Harriette spotted a suspicious man attempting to break into the Pudney home, and was able to thwart the would-be burglar by calling the police.  Carl is stunned.  He apparently has learned a valuable lesson; women can, in fact, accomplish tasks just as well as men.  I’m glad that we’ve come far enough that this seems kind of preachy in 2020.

It’s between periods at Vanderbilt, and the hallway is buzzing with adolescent activity.  Principal Shimata’s voice sounds over the intercom, asking for their attention.  He announces that Laura has won the election, and she and Steve celebrate with a hug.  They separate after a moment, and Laura tells him that she still can’t believe Cassie Lynn decided not to post the pictures of the two of them.  Steve, in a very classy gesture, doesn’t tell Laura about the underhanded tactics he had to use to give her a shot at the presidency.  At least I think it’s a classy gesture.  He might just be trying to keep the amount of people who know about his sexual assault to a minimum.

The Conclusion:

Jon Sn…sorry, I meant Harriette, comes in from a long shift on the Night’s Watch.  Carl tells her how beautiful she looks, and she wants to know what’s up, because he’s straight up been acting like an asshat lately.  Carl apologizes for being so sensitive about Harriette getting something that he wanted, especially since (as she points out) she didn’t ask for it.  Harriette accepts his apology, and they head upstairs to “really make up,” ending the episode.  Congrats on the sex, my guy!

Join me next time, when I break down episode 3.20, “Love and Kisses.”

Please share this post on your favorite brand of social media by clicking its respective icon below. It really makes a huge difference in the amount of people who’ll read it, which I appreciate greatly.

Original Air Date: February 14, 1992

Previously on OUM:  Urkel invented a super yeast, and it almost caused Ms. Steuben to quit her job.

You can watch full episodes of Family Matters with a subscription to Hulu or YouTubeTV.

If you missed the last recap, you can read it here. Any “Only Urkel Matters” that you may have missed can be found here.

If you find yourself befuddled by anything written in this blog, or you’ve forgotten what specific abbreviations stand for, check out the Glossary I’ve made to clear up such confusions!

Only Urkel Matters is on Instagram! Check us out for the best Urkel content on The Gram (including sneak peeks of columns!) You should also like 7th Evan on Facebook, so you’ll know the moment an OUM is available!

Cold Open:

Judy and NLR are in the kitchen making valentines for the boys at Judy’s school.  Estelle asks Judy why she’s making so many, since it’s generally understood that you just make one for one special boy.  Judy explains to her that she’s giving one to every boy in her class, in the hopes that at least one of them will turn out to be the one.  At least it’s just her heart that she’s trying to give away.  This will change as she gets a bit older.  If you know, you know.  NLR tells Harriette that he doesn’t understand why anyone gives out valentines in the first place.  He considers them to be “yucky.”  This is the second time in two episodes that he’s used this word.  Is this little shit getting a catchphrase?  Harriette tells him that when you truly love someone, nothing is yucky.  On cue, in comes Hurricane Urkel:

(Family Matters)

The Story:

Harriette directs Steve to the living room.  He’s carrying a pickle for some reason, and when she tells him to stay in the living room, he tells her that he’ll just be there “workin’ his gerkin.”

The doorbell rings, and because Urkel is Urkel, he answers it.  It’s Daniel Wallace, who has come to ask Laura to be his valentine.  The two of them bicker for a few moments, and then Laura walks in.  Steve acts quickly and asks her to be her valentine first (through what he intends to be an eighty-two verse poem).  She declines, and then tells him to leave.  Wallace grins a bit, but she’s wise to his fuckboy act, and tells him to hit the bricks too.  Daniel tells her that he knows that he’s made mistakes, but he can’t get her out of his head, because she’s different from all the girls.  She’s special.  Laura melts, and accepts his offer of a Valentine’s Day Date.  Urkel can’t believe she’s buying this obviously disingenuous act, and he growls at Wallace as Daniel heads to leave.

Later, Carl is hard at work installing a dimmer switch for the living room.  He pokes at the wiring a bit, and is confused when the doorbell goes off.  He eventually realizes that someone is actually at the door, and he grins sheepishly at Rachel, who smiles kindly back at him.  She knows that he’s just going to fuck this up, but she also understands her place as a guest in his home.  It’s his house to burn, after all.  Carl opens the door, and it’s Daniel, here to pick up Laura.  Carl introduces himself as a police officer to intimidate the young boy, but Wallace goes directly into his flattery routine, flattering Carl by telling him that he admires a man who’s good with his hands.  From that point on, Carl is putty in his hands.  I guess the sucker apple doesn’t fall too far from the sucker tree.  Laura comes downstairs, and Rachel comments on how good these two look together.  Maybe she’s right by nineties standards, but by today’s measuring stick, I’d give them an “oopsie” on a scale from 1-10:

Carl tells them to by home by ten o’clock, but Daniel schmoozes him some more and gets Laura’s curfew set back an hour.  After they leave, Carl demonstrates the dimmer for Rachel.  It works for a few seconds and then shorts out, because if there’s one law in the Family Matters jungle, it’s that the lion is terrible at home improvement projects.

Later, The Urkman is jamming out to his new polka video, and he’s really getting down.  Eddie tells him that this is the least fun he’s had in a long time, and Steve admits that he too is straight up not having a good time.  His jamming out was just a part of his “polka face.”  Urkel made the same joke that Weird Al did, just twenty years early.  Steve confesses to Eddie that he’s never been more miserable because his boo is out with another bro.  Eddie’s like, “Cool story,” and heads upstairs.  Steve goes to retrieve his polka video, but as he does, he can hear the front door start to unlock.  He books it behind the couch, and that’s how it comes to be that he witnesses his best gal locking lips with the high school fuckboy that he knows is playing with her.  After Laura and Wallace smooch, Daniel departs, and Laura walks dreamily upstairs.  You have to feel for Urkel here.  I remember being in high school and watching a girl I had a huge crush on make out with some d-bag.  That shit hurts.

A few days later, Laura is getting ready for her next date with Daniel, when Maxine walks in.  She can tell that Laura is going on a date, so she asks her for the tea.  When Laura tells her it’s Daniel Wallace, Maxine flips out.  She tells Laura that Daniel Wallace is a creep who just wants to get laid.  Laura tells her that she’s sorry that Daniel broke Maxine’s heart, but it’s different between him and her.  She storms out, leaving behind a devastated Max.  Carl comes in, and he asks her what’s wrong.  When he finds out what Daniel wants from Laura, he reacts like any father would, and vows to murder him.

Later, Carl is sitting angrily in his Lay-Z-Boy, trying to read the newspaper.  He finally gives up and heads to the window to check for Laura.  As he does, the door flies open, hitting him where he stands.  It’s Urkel, dressed in a monk’s garb.  Steve tells Carl that he’s taken a vow of chastity, and that he’s going to live in a monastery (otherwise known as a Monkhouse).  Laura broke his heart, and the only way he sees to mend it is to spend a few years praying and making cheese.

Upstairs, Laura and Daniel are sneaking into her room.  They came up to talk, but once they enter the room, Laura gets cold feet and asks him to leave.  Wallace puts on the charm, calming Laura down long enough to go for a kiss.  Laura pushes him away, and he calls her a baby, which is what Maxine said happened to her.  Laura tells him that she never wants to see him again, and tells him to get out.  Wallace tells her that it’s her loss, and Laura calls him back.  Daniel thinks that he’s convinced her to hook up, so he smiles and heads back towards her.  Instead of kissing him, Laura throws his dumb looking hat at him, and he falls to the earth.  Harriette hears the fall and rushes into the room to make sure everything is okay.  A tearful Laura explains what happened, and Harriette consoles her.  She tells her that one day, Laura will meet a man who will love her and treat her with respect.  “And do you know what will happen then?” she asks.  Laura responds, “We’ll have sex?” because she’s too emotional to think about how this will affect her mother.  Harriette freaks out, and tells her that she meant that Laura will get married.  The two embrace.

Conclusion:

Downstairs, Laura tells Carl and Steve that she has decided to never see Daniel again.  The two of them high-five to this news.  Urkel tells Laura that he’s not too proud to get her on the rebound, and she tells him that though she does not want to be with him, she will be his valentine for the time remaining in the day.  Urkel cherishes every moment, practically orgasming with every passing second.  When midnight strikes, Laura tells him to go home.  Steve complies, but not before looking back, giving her finger guns, and saying, “Thanks for the memories, baby.”  He leaves the house, likely to go procure a post-refractory period cigarette, and the episode ends.

Join me next time, when I break down Episode 3.19, “Woman of the People.”

Please share this post on your favorite brand of social media by clicking its respective icon below. It really makes a huge difference in the amount of people who’ll read it, which I appreciate greatly.

Original Air Date: February 7, 1992

Previously on OUM:  Eddie was a jerk to his grandmother, so she made him look dumb in front of all of his friends.  She’s the best.

You can watch full episodes of Family Matters with a subscription to Hulu or YouTubeTV.

If you missed the last recap, you can read it here. Any “Only Urkel Matters” that you may have missed can be found here.

If you find yourself befuddled by anything written in this blog, or you’ve forgotten what specific abbreviations stand for, check out the Glossary I’ve made to clear up such confusions!

Only Urkel Matters is on Instagram! Check us out for the best Urkel content on The Gram (including sneak peeks of columns!) You should also like 7th Evan on Facebook, so you’ll know the moment an OUM is available!

Cold Open:

Laura is in the kitchen cooking, but she’s also on the phone with Urkel.  Steve is doing his best to get an invitation to breakfast, but Laura tells him that it’s just for the family.  She then tells him that she has to get off the phone, because if she’s not careful, she’ll burn it.  As she’s saying this, the oven begins to smoke.  Laura freaks out and drops the phone.  Her strategy to save her house from burning down is to flap her arms like a birdie. Luckily for her, Hurricane Urkel blows in, and he knows just what to do to save the day:

The Story:

Laura and Urkel are still recovering from her cooking mishap when Harriette comes downstairs.  She demands to know what happened, and Laura tells her that she almost restarted the Chicago Fire.  She explains that the directions said to cook the muffins at 275 degrees for twenty minutes, so she chose to cook them for ten minutes at 550 instead.  Urkel explodes with laughter, and starts to wonder how someone so smart could do something so stupid.  Before he can get the word “stupid” out, however, Laura glares at him until he decides to leave.  Harriette asks Laura what inspired her sudden interest in cooking, and to my surprise and delight, it does not have anything to do with a boy.  Laura has thought ahead to her college years, and decided that she may get hungry once or twice in her four years away from home.  Harriette offers to teach her to cook, but Laura knows that her mother doesn’t have the patience to teach her anything, so she decides to take a home economics class instead.  If this doesn’t end with Steve Urkel setting Ms. Steuben’s new classroom on fire, someone fucked something up horribly.

Carl comes into the living room, filming his entrance with a camcorder that he just purchased from a police auction.  He explains to his mother that now they can record all of the family’s big events.  Carl goes on to say that he alone is the only one in the family who is allowed to use the camera, which seems like a set up for some juicy teenage antics.  When Estelle points out that if he is the only one that uses the camera, then he won’t be in any of the videos, Carl tells her that it has a remote, so he’ll be able to be in all of them.  Estelle tells him that he’ll have to make sure he gets a “wide lens.”  Carl laughs good-naturedly at his mother’s fat joke, and videotapes them laughing together.  Nice moment.

Later, at Vanderbilt High, Laura and the Urkman walk into her new Home Economic class.  She asks him why he insists on joining her in every class she’s in, and I immediately rejoice, because we’re definitely getting that Ms. Steuben freaking out over Urkel scene.  I love that they set this up and are now delivering, you almost never get that from this show.  Laura runs into Cassie-Lynn, who you may remember from Episode 3.8 as the head cheerleader that Laura upstaged.  They exchange some nasty, teenage, passive aggressive barbs at each other.  Laura and Steve then move to the back of the room, where they find Waldo, who has been standing alone and looking forlorn.  Laura questions why he is in this class, and we though he has some initial false reasoning, we eventually find out it’s because he thinks he can get a good grade out of a Mickey Mouse class like Home Ec.  Finally, Ms. Steuben enters, and we get the scene I’ve been looking forward to since Laura expressed her interest in this class:

Irene Steuben is one of my favorite recurring characters on this show.  The defeat in her eyes as she says, “Months…oh, months” is priceless.

A bit later, we’ve come to the end of class, and all of these teens have had varying degrees of success.  Laura made a fine-looking loaf of bread, but she accidentally baked her watch inside of it.  Cassie-Lynn brought a loaf of bread in from home, but she didn’t remove it from the wrapper, and an exasperated Ms. Steuben has to call her out on it.  It’s Waldo who really shines in this endeavor.  He has not only baked a perfect loaf of bread, but also find the time to make a delicious-looking turkey.  Ms. Steuben compliments him on his effort, and he responds in typical Waldo fashion.  Never change, Waldo Geraldo Faldo.  Steve’s effort is pathetic; his bread doesn’t even begin to rise.  Ms. Steuben recognizes that he put forth a great deal of effort, so she takes pity on him and gives him a C.  The Urkman has never received anything lower than an A, so he too responds in a fashion that is emblematic of his character:

Change as soon as possible, Steven Q. Urkel.

Eddie is on the living room couch with Rhonda, who is busy studying.  As you might guess, he has no interest in learning anything.  He is finally able to convince her to make out with him a little bit, when in comes NLR, who is carrying a camcorder (guess I jumped the gun with “teenage antics”) and followed closely by Eddie’s irrelevant youngest sister.  NLR tapes them kissing for a moment, and when the two teens realize what is happening, he tells them that he’s going to send it in to “America’s Yuckiest Home Videos”.  YOU WILL ACCEPT HIS ADORABLENESS OR YOU WILL FORFEIT YOUR LIFE.  Rhonda understandably runs off, and Eddie goes to follow her, but not before telling his younger family members that if they were smart, they’d run away from home before he returned.  NLR couldn’t care less about this, but his casual nature gets the better of him and he drops Carl’s prized camcorder, completely shattering it.

Back at the high school, Urkel is hard at work flattening some dough.  He tells Ms. Steuben that he has created a new super yeast, which he’s dubbed, “Urk Yeast.”  He starts to explain what he’s done to the yeast, but Ms. Steuben shuts him down.  She’s had it up to here with his shit.  She heads over to check on Laura, who has taken her advice and slowed down.  Ms. Steuben tells her that she’s doing a great job, and Laura glows with pride.  Finally, the teacher heads over to check on Waldo, who is at it again, creating dishes with ease while his classmates slowly progress.  She tells him that he could be a great chef, and Waldo tells her that this is the first time anyone has told him that he could be good at anything.  It's a touching moment, but it doesn’t last long, because Urkel’s gambit has gone just about as smoothly as you’d imagine:

This might have been the first time (but it certainly won’t be the last) that they’ve used the “Urkel’s science is going horribly wrong” music.  I like that they went with Urkel causing a mess instead of destruction; I had been certain that this was going to be a Leroy’s situation, possibly resulting in Steve and Rachel’s acquisition of the school on the cheap.  They’re gonna run this town, one fire at a time.

Back at the Winslow’s, Carl is getting ready for work, but his nephew has a confession to make:

Carl thanks NLR for being honest about the camera, and tells him that he should always listen to his conscience.

Conclusion:

Back at Vanderbilt, Ms. Steuben is sitting in the Home Ec classroom with a thousand-yard stare, looking like she just went through Normandy instead of a botched high school cooking project.    Steve comes in and gives her the bad news that the janitor has opted for early retirement rather than attempting to clean up the mess.  Ms. Steuben determines that he has the right idea, and decides that she ought to quit too.  Steve tells her that this is poppycock, because she has not only taught him and his peers about cooking, but that she has also taught them about life. She taught Laura to slow down and organize, she taught Cassie-Lynn how to actually do something for herself, and Lord knows the wonders that she did for Waldo’s self-esteem.  Finally, Urkel tells her that she taught him that he can’t always be perfect, and to accept an L once in a while.  A tearful Ms. Steuben goes to hug him in thanks (which would almost certainly get her fired these days), and the two of them fall back into the goop, ending the episode.

Join me next time, when I break down Episode 3.18, “My Broken-Hearted Valentine.”

Please share this post on your favorite brand of social media by clicking its respective icon below. It really makes a huge difference in the amount of people who’ll read it, which I appreciate greatly.

Original Air Date: January 31, 1992

Previously on OUM:  Urkel went to prison and forgot what it felt like to be a man.

You can watch full episodes of Family Matters with a subscription to Hulu or YouTubeTV.

If you missed the last recap, you can read it here. Any “Only Urkel Matters” that you may have missed can be found here.

If you find yourself befuddled by anything written in this blog, or you’ve forgotten what specific abbreviations stand for, check out the Glossary I’ve made to clear up such confusions!

Only Urkel Matters is on Instagram! Check us out for the best Urkel content on The Gram (including sneak peeks of columns!) You should also like 7th Evan on Facebook, so you’ll know the moment an OUM is available!

Cold Open:

Laura is in the kitchen reading a magazine when Hurricane Urkel blows in.  He wants advice on how to break bad news to her father, and she tells him that it’s best to be forthright with Carl, assuming that he’s not in a bad mood.  If the latter is the case, she continues, it’s best to just avoid him altogether.  Steve isn’t interested in the “coward’s way out,” so he resolves to tell Carl no matter what, like a man would do.  Women love it when you ask for their advice and then immediately decide to do the opposite of what they said.  Carl comes in, clutching at his face.  He’s had a root canal, and it’s clear that he’s in a great deal of pain.  He immediately glares at Steve, who decides that maybe the coward’s way out is the best path to take after all, and skedaddles.

The Story:

Harriette and Rachel come into the living room from an afternoon of hunting for bargains at the clearance sale.  They find Estelle sitting on the couch, checking out old family photos.  They see a picture of Carl taking his first steps, which Estelle says were right towards the refrigerator.  Sassy old broad.  Estelle begins to worry that a lot of the Winslow history will die along with her, and even though hopefully that won’t be for a long time, she’d like to sit the kids down and tell them a little bit of history about the maternal side of their family.  Harriette and Rachel think that this would be a great idea.

Later, the kids have taken over the living room, and they fill up some episode time by dancing up a storm:

Honestly, we get it.  NLR does a Michael Jackson routine.  Get a new gimmick, kid.  Estelle comes in with the photo album, but as soon as they find out that she’s about to sit them down for some stories, the kids scatter.  She decides that she had better take a new approach.  Urkel comes in, and asks if now is a better time to talk to Carl, but Laura warns him that now would be an even worse time, because Carl is eating dessert.  Steve thinks that because she took the time to help him out, that means she is in love with him.  He’s going to have a life full of heartbreak with that kind of attitude.

Eddie strolls in from a study date, looking extremely disappointed.  He glumly tells his mother that “All she wanted to do was study!”  Weird thing to say to your mother, but maybe their household us extremely sex-positive.  Harriette ignores his lustful comment and tells him that she’s disappointed in him for running out on his Grandmother.  When Eddie balks at this, she tells him that she needs him to set a better example as the oldest child.  Eddie tells her that if he wanted to hear about the past, he would just watch the Wonder Years. Eddie is trash.

It’s took him a while, but Steve finally tracks down Carl.  He tells him that like Carl suggested, he’s been writing to an inmate named Elmerita Puckerwood as part of the “Prison Pen Pal” program.  Unfortunately, the women that Steve was writing to began to fall in love with him.  Carl and Steve share a good laugh over this, but Urkel becomes the only one laughing when he reveals that when the inmate asked for a picture, he elected to send one of Carl instead of himself.  Carl is mad for a bit, but settles down when he realizes that the woman is stuck in the state penitentiary, so there is no harm done.  Steve tells him that this isn’t quite true, because the she is getting out of prison soon.  “How soon?” Carl asks:

After the commercial break, Steve’s inmate pen pal (played by Sanford and Son’s LaWanda Page) advances on Carl like a lioness stalking her prey.  This gal is super horned up, and it takes Carl a few minutes to calm her down enough to try and explain to her that his name is not Steve Urkel.  Before he can do this, however, Steve asks to speak with him privately.  The Urkman urges his surrogate father figure to be careful, because Elmerita was in prison for killing a man who had spurned her advances.  Carl-even more carefully than before-approaches Elmerita and breaks the bad news.  In her defense, she immediately stops pursuing him once he tells her that he’s happily married.  In a world where not enough people take the bonds of marriage seriously anymore, I found this refreshing.  Carl promises Elmerita that he will help her find a job, and directs her to the nearest halfway house.  Elmerita is thankful, but before she leaves, she lets Carl know what it is that he is missing out on: she has a full-body tattoo of the United States, and she had intended on giving him a geography lesson that he’d never forget.  She pauses, and adds a “Sucka!” before she goes out the door, which the Booker T fan in me truly appreciated.  After she’s gone, Carl promises to get revenge:

Later, at Vanderbilt High, Eddie is in history class.  The teacher comes in, and asks Waldo to read the chapter head.  Waldo, true to form, reads it silently to himself before being instructed to read it out loud.  Never change, Waldo Geraldo Faldo.  The teacher tells them to put their books away, because they’ll be listening to a guest speaker.  If you wagered that this speaker would be Estelle, congratulations, you’re a few dollars richer.  Estelle goes to the head of the class and tells them that she’ll be talking to them about the Tuskegee Airmen.  She asks if anyone has ever heard of them, and a pretty girl’s hand shoots into the air.  It’s another recognizable face; the actress is Essence Atkins, who I recognize from another classic sitcom, “Smart Guy” (she plays Tasha).  Estelle ignores the girl, and calls on Eddie.  After having been ignored by her grandchildren, it must’ve felt so good to shame him.  Eddie doesn’t know, so Estelle lets the pretty girl (IMDB refers to her as Becky, so I guess we’ll call her that) answer for him: The Tuskegee Airmen were an all-black group of fighter pilots who have the distinction of never having lost a bomber, the only group that can claim this.  The teacher starts a slide show, and Estelle shows the class some pictures of the airmen, one of whom is her husband, Robert.  When his picture flashes on screen, the girls hoot and holler, and rightfully so.  He’s a handsome fella.  The next picture is of his plane, which he dubbed “The Brown Bombshell.”  Estelle claims that it was named after her, and a younger picture of her flashes on screen.  Now it’s the boys’ turn to show off their hormones.  The teacher tells them to knock it off (which is sexist, he didn’t say it to the girls; perhaps he is attempting to save Eddie from having to endure his friends lusting after his grandmother), but Estelle tells him to let them express themselves, which gets a big laugh from both the class and me.  Waldo tells Eddie that his grandmother is pretty cool, which Eddie agrees with like he’s just realizing it for the first time.  Maybe he’s unaware that she plays hockey, does karate, hula dances, beats the bag out of women half her age in tennis, goes on solo fishing expeditions, makes impossible pool shots, plays the trumpet like a long-time jazz musician, was the Rosa Parks of her small-town library, and thwarts robbers with the common snow shovel.

Conclusion:

The whole family (plus Urkel) are sitting at the kitchen table, listen to Eddie crow about his grandmother’s presentation.  He mentions that when the class ended no one left, because they couldn’t get enough of Mother Winslow.  Steve tells them that this is the mark of a tremendous storyteller.  The episode ends with the family gathering around Estelle in loving support.

Join me next time, when I break down Episode 3.17, “Food, Lies, and Videotape.”

Please share this post on your favorite brand of social media by clicking its respective icon below. It really makes a huge difference in the amount of people who’ll read it, which I appreciate greatly.

Original Air Date: January 24, 1992

Previously on OUM:  Eddie almost got Urkel expelled from school because he’s a lazy jerk. Don’t worry, he’s gonna screw Urkel over in this one too. “Never learn lessons” is Eddie’s motto.

You can watch full episodes of Family Matters with a subscription to Hulu or YouTubeTV.

If you missed the last recap, you can read it here. Any “Only Urkel Matters” that you may have missed can be found here.

If you find yourself befuddled by anything written in this blog, or you’ve forgotten what specific abbreviations stand for, check out the Glossary I’ve made to clear up such confusions!

Only Urkel Matters is on Instagram! Check us out for the best Urkel content on The Gram (including sneak peeks of columns!) You should also like 7th Evan on Facebook, so you’ll know the moment an OUM is available!

Cold Open:

The Winslows sans Carl are in the living room, cleaning.  Eddie is excited because his cousin Clarence is coming to stay with them for a while.  They haven’t seen Clarence in a while, but Eddie is certain that like himself, Clarence will be a “babe magnet.”  Remember, this was before online social networks existed, so it actually was possible to not know what one of your extended family members was like if you hadn’t seen them in a long time.  Eddie proclaims that God has smiled down upon the men in the Winslow family.  Laura tells him that God wasn’t smiling, he just had bad gas.  I wouldn’t necessarily call that funny, but it is clever.  That’s actually Laura in a nutshell: clever, but not funny.  The door opens and Carl walks in, followed closely by Clarence, who we’re supposed to instantly recognize as a douchebag:

He insults the family immediately, calling them “The Partridge Family,” and implying that dinner will be milk and cookies.  Look, guys, I know this fella appears to suck, but I’m willing to bet that underneath his hard exterior is a sweet little boy just begging for an Aunt and Uncle to see potential in him.

The Story:

Carl and Harriette introduce Clarence to Judy and NLR, whom he’s never met before, and reintroduce everyone else.  He tells them that no one calls him Clarence anymore, and that his name is Easy C.  I hate him so much.  I refuse to call him Easy C, so going forward, we’ll be instituting a variation of Rodney’s nickname and calling Clarence “Sleazy C.”  Is it a hacky joke?  Sure is, but I find that I’m somehow not above it. They do a bit where Clarence answers all of their questions with street lingo, and only Mother Winslow understands because she’s down with the language of today’s youth.  Eddie greets his cousin with a secret handshake that they must’ve come up with when they were eight, because Judy is at least ten years old and has not met her cousin until now:

Eddie and Sleazy C head upstairs, and the Winslows discuss the reasoning for Clarence’s arrival.  His mother, Helen (Harriette’s cousin, making Clarence her first cousin once removed), is concerned that Sleazy C is falling in with the wrong crowd, and thought that it would do him some good to get away from Detroit for a while.  The Winslows decide as a family to give him a chance.

Later, Sleazy C is sitting at the kitchen table, and Eddie brings him a sandwich.  The way Clarence looks at this sandwich is enough reason to hate him.  If you don’t approve of your cousin’s sandwich making abilities, how about you get off your easy ass and make it yourself?  The boys hear a buzzing noise, and what looks like a storm cloud moves past the window.  Clarence remarks that it sounds like bees, and sure enough, Hurricane Urkel blows in, wearing a beekeeping suit.  He tells them that his killer bee experiment has gone horribly wrong, and that Eddie should close the window as soon as possible.  Eddie is quick to oblige, and then introduces Steve to his cousin.  Sleazy C tries the same hand jivey nonsense with Urkel, who obviously is not equipped to handle such a greeting:

Clarence tells the Urkman, “You a serious little nerd,” to which Steve replies, “No, I am a serious little nerd.  See, I use verbs.  Verbs are our friends.  They help move along our sentences.”  My dude.  Sleazy C wants to know if Eddie has some wheels that they can cruise around in, and Eddie tells him that he only has access to his father’s car.  Clarence balks at first, calling Carl’s car a “hoopdie,” which Urban Dictionary tells me means, “a piece of shit.”  After hearing that this is his only option, he tells Eddie to procure the vehicle for the next evening, telling him that they will go “cruising for hotties.”  Urkel takes a moment to sing an abbreviated version of “The Twelve Days of Christmas,” starting at five golden rings and ending with “a hottie in a hoopdie.”  His contemporaries don’t even snicker at this, and Clarence leaves to go get some smokes, but not before “borrowing” ten dollars from his cousin.  Eddie is never seeing that money again.

Carl, Harriette, and Rachel come downstairs, all dressed handsomely.  They’re headed out to a night at the theater, which Carl is none to pleased about.  When Rachel starts singing (filler alert), he grabs a piece of duct tape and puts it over her mouth.  Eddie and Sleazy Charlie come in, and boy, they’re trying very hard to make it seem like they have “swag.”  Harriette asks them what they’re doing tonight, and Clarence tells her that they’re cruising for chicks.  Carl wants to know how they plan to do that, since he already told Eddie that he couldn’t use the car.  For some reason, Eddie thought Carl would change his mind, so he and Clarence sulk into the living room.  Sleazy C insults both Carl and his car (because he is an ungrateful git), and then tells Eddie not to worry, because he’ll handle acquiring them a vehicle.  He leaves, but not before telling Eddie that he needs to get his shit together if he wants to hang with him.

Eddie is working sadly on a puzzle in his kitchen when The Stevearino bursts in.  Steve asks him where his rude cousin has gone to, but Eddie has no idea.  Just then, Clarence bursts through the door and asks Eddie if he’s ready to roll.  He has Steve and Eddie follow him to the Winslow’s garage, where Clarence has stashed a beautiful red convertible.  I’m not a car guy, so I have no idea what kind it is, but I’m sure one of you will pop onto the Facebook group to let me know.  Sleazy C tells them that the car is fully loaded, and two beautiful girls spring out of hiding.  I guess Clarence convinced them to surprise his cousin, who they’ve never met.  Weird.  Eddie approaches the girls, introducing himself as E-man.  God, he sucks. The girls tell him their names too, but after another minute, their names will be inconsequential, so just call them whatever you want in your head.  Eddie asks Clarence where he got the car, and I swear to God guys, I could tell just by the red jacket he was wearing that he had stolen it from a valet service.  Believe me or don’t, but regardless of your opinion, I’ll always know that I am a champion at guessing what happens in nineties sitcoms.  Clarence tells Eddie that they have two hours before the owner even notices that the car is gone, vastly overestimating the amount of time it takes to eat a meal.  Eddie, overcome by teenage lust, agrees to go for the joyride, but The Urkman flat-out refuses.  Because he’s a sociopath, Sleazy C kidnaps Urkel so that he can’t rat on them.  Eddie tells Steve to calm down, because “What could go wrong?”

A furious Carl paces the living room.  Harriette attempts to calm him down, but Carl is an officer of the law, and his son has stolen a car. This has upset him as both a parent and a cop.  The doorbell rings, and it’s Murtaugh, who has brought Eddie and his terrible cousin home from the police station.  He tells them that he brought Urkel home too, but his parents were more angry at Steve coming home at all than at him stealing a car.  Murtaugh takes his leave (tipping his cap and addressing Carl, Harriette, and Laura as “Winslow.  Ma’am.  Little Ma’am,” which I found adorable and hilarious), and Carl turns to begin his reprimanding of Sleazy C.  You know what?  I just decided that I am better than the Sleazy C nickname, and I can’t bring myself to use it anymore.  I’ll just use his given Christian name going forward.  Harriette stops Carl, and tells him that she’ll take care of Clarence, while Carl focuses on Eddie.  Carl agrees, especially since she mentions that if he is going to kill someone, it should be a close family member.  Carl directs Eddie to the kitchen, and Laura tries to follow.  Carl tells her to go to bed, and Kelly Shanygne Williams crushes Laura’s response:

Maybe the funniest thing Williams has done on the show thus far.

(Family Matters)

Harriette’s admonishment of Clarence does not go well.  She asks him what he’s got to say for himself, and he just sits there in silence.  She even tries that thing that sitcom parents do when they say something like, “Being cool isn’t about stealing cars, it’s about respecting yourself and those around you.  That’s what’s cool.”  Clarence isn’t biting, so Harriette asks him if he’s sorry about any of the things he’s done.  When he says that he’s only sorry that he got caught, she tells him to go upstairs and pack his shit, because he’s going home.

Carl’s scolding of Eddie goes a lot better.  He doesn’t even need to give a speech, because Eddie does that guilty kid thing where he admits his wrongdoing and criticizes his own actions.  I’ve been there myself.  One time, a neighbor was throwing rocks towards me and a friend while we were playing Wiffle Ball.  To be fair, he was intentionally throwing them short of us.  The intent was not to hurt us, but to annoy us.  Well, I threw one back, and obviously I hit him right in the face.  I can’t help the fact that I have a golden arm, guys.  As he ran home crying, I marched myself into the house and declared myself grounded for a week because of my wrong doings.  True to form, my parents held me to my self-inflicted punishment.  Eddie does the same, even mentioning that no one looks cool in handcuffs, but he neglects to mention a punishment.  Carl’s no fool though, and he tells Eddie that since he likes cruising around so much, he’ll be volunteering with the Meals on Wheels program every Saturday for the next year.  Eddie goes upstairs, and Harriette walks in sadly.  She’s worried about Eddie, but Carl assures her that he’s a good kid who made a mistake.

Conclusion:

Laura is picking up a book when Urkel comes in.  He tells her that his hour in prison was too much for him, and asks her to kiss him to remind him he’s a man.  She instead chooses to remind him where the door is.  Urkel tells her that he’s been scared straight because he met a man in prison who had a battleship tattoo on his tongue.  Laura slams the door in his face, and it hits Steve directly in his still outstretched tongue, ending the episode.  I guess I was wrong about Sleazy C’s tough exterior/heart of gold, huh?  Look at that.  I had one more sleazy pun in me.

Join me next time, when I break down Episode 3.16 (gimme a hell yeah), “Brown Bombshell.”

Please share this post on your favorite brand of social media by clicking its respective icon below. It really makes a huge difference in the amount of people who’ll read it, which I appreciate greatly.

Original Air Date: January 10, 1992

Previously on OUM:  It was revealed that Urkel was terrible at singing, even though he sang perfectly fine in the episode before that.

You can watch full episodes of Family Matters with a subscription to Hulu or YouTubeTV.

If you missed the last recap, you can read it here. Any “Only Urkel Matters” that you may have missed can be found here.

If you find yourself befuddled by anything written in this blog, or you’ve forgotten what specific abbreviations stand for, check out the Glossary I’ve made to clear up such confusions!

Only Urkel Matters is on Instagram! Check us out for the best Urkel content on The Gram (including sneak peeks of columns!) You should also like 7th Evan on Facebook, so you’ll know the moment an OUM is available!

Cold Open:

The Winslow family is heading out to go ice skating, but Carl isn’t going with them.  NLR reveals that Harriette thinks he’s a “lazy sack of potatoes” for not joining them, which wounds Carl to the core.  This is understandable after Carl reveals that he just finished a double shift at work.  The family heads out, and Carl settles down on the couch for his nap.  We jump forward in time a little bit, and Carl is still fast asleep, but he is no longer on a couch.  He’s still on the cushions, but the frame is gone, as is everything else in the room.  The rest of the Winslows return, and they wake Carl up to inform him that they’ve been robbed.  Most of the family heads off to their own rooms to see if their stuff is missing, but Rachel is keeping her wits about her, and declares that she is going to call the police, which should have been everyone’s first instinct.  Carl asks her not to do this, because he is the police, and would be super embarrassed to have to admit to his cop buddies that he slept through a home invasion.  I have to give the writers credit: this is a fantastic idea and I’m looking forward to see how Carl deals with this anguish.  Before Rachel can respond, Hurricane Urkel blows in, and he immediately thinks that the family is trying to move without telling him, as his parents have tried to do before.  I know I’ve said this before, but I love the ongoing joke that Steve’s family just wants him to go away.  It makes me laugh, but also makes me a little sad, and what is television if it’s not making me feel all the emotions?

The Story:

It turns out that Carl came to his senses, because after the opening theme, one of his fellow officers is dusting for fingerprints.  Carl asks the officer if he’s found any, and the man tells him, “No, but don’t worry Sleeping Beauty, some day your prints will come.”  The officer cracks up, and he’s not alone.  That’s one of my favorite jokes of the series so far.  This entire scene is basically just Carl’s fellow cops making fun of him, and it’s fantastic.  Murtaugh comes in, putting the finishing touches on a police report.  He calls Carl “Rip Van Winslow,” which causes Carl to become so angry that he tells them that he “will have the last laugh.”  Then he tells them, “And do you know why I will have the last laugh?”  The officer who dusted for prints says, “Because you’re so well rested?” and I again lost my mind laughing.  There were more well-constructed jokes in this scene then all of the last episode combined.  Carl pledges to find the criminal(s) responsible for the robbery, and Murtaugh tells him that he’s misjudged him.  “You’re not the kind of guy who takes things lying down.  You’re the kind of guy who lies down while other people take things!”  This is another great line, and Officer Fingerprints apparently agrees, because he laughs so hard that he spills the fingerprint powder (actually what it’s called, I looked it up) all over Carl’s shirt.

The next scene is almost as funny, which is saying something.  This show could be extremely good when it tried, which makes me frustrated, because why didn’t they just try all of the time?!  In trying to find a pattern, I looked up the director of the episode, Rich Correll.  From now on, I’ll be excited any time he directs an episode, because most of my favorites are ones that he directed, including “Man’s Best Friend,” “Laura’s First Date,” “Rock Video,” “Rachel’s Place,” “Boom!,” and “Robo-Nerd.”  That’s doesn’t even include some episodes that we haven’t tackled on here yet (cough, “Stevil,” cough).  Eddie is in the kitchen, trying his best to cram for a chemistry test.  Waldo is trying to do the same, but he’s doing so in a goddamn miner’s hat.  Never change, Waldo Geraldo Faldo.  Eddie asks Waldo to quiz him, but he’s stumped by the very first question, which is about inert gas.  I’ll spare you the fart joke that they try to make.  I almost never laugh at gross-out comedy.  Also, as I typed the word “fart,” Microsoft Word warned me via blue underlining that you might be offended by it.  I don’t think you’d have made it this far into these recaps if that were truly the case.  Steve comes in, and Eddie tells him, “I’m so glad to see you!”  Steve is shocked, because according to him, no one has ever said that phrase to him before.  I’m not about to go re-watch over a day’s worth of television to confirm this, but I’m inclined to take his word for it.  Normally when someone says that they are glad to see him, they also include the word “actually” so that he won’t get excited and think that they always feel this way.  Eddie tells him that he’s definitely going to fail the test, and the Urkman replies, “Don’t be a fuddy-duddy, I’ll be your study buddy,” which I shamefully laughed very hard at.  Eddie tells Steve that even an all-nighter won’t help him pass, and asks Urkel to help him cheat.  The rest of the scene isn’t remarkably written, but the three young actors knock it out of the park:

Highlights include:

• Waldo’s aversion to cheating, and the assertion that he might get F’s, but he earns those F’s.  He’s come a long way from the days of being Willie’s lackey.

• Eddie convincing Steve that he’ll actually stick to his promise of studying day and night after the test.  Has Steve ever met this guy before?

• Urkel’s “foolproof” plan that involves pretending to be sick over and over again.  It would take Sherlock Holmes to crack that code.

On the day of the test, Steve has come down with an actual cold.  When the test begins, he is unable to give Eddie the answers in the manner they discussed, because he legitimately can’t control his bodily functions.  A desperate Eddie passes him a note begging for him to write the answers down and send the note back.  Urkel does this, but he’s busted by the teacher, who is one of those high school teachers that circles the room trying to catch cheaters in the act.  The teacher reads the first few answers that Steve wrote down aloud, and the rest of the class scrambles to make sure their answers match his.  This seems implausible, but teachers accidentally giving away answers is a thing that has happened many times in my life, especially in college for some reason.  The teacher demands that Steve tell him who he was trying to help cheat, but Steve stays silent.  Good job kid.  Snitches get stitches.  Steve is sent to the principal’s office, where his teacher says that he will have to convince the principal to not expel him.  This seems a little extreme.  Getting caught cheating (for the first time, too) hardly warrants a suspension, never mind expulsion.  I’d say that he deserves a week of detention or less.

Later, Harriette is in the living room trying her best to relax, but all she has to sit on are one of those shitty chairs they have near every public pool.  She falls backward as soon as she puts her weight on the back of the chair.  The chair manufacturers must’ve figured out why this was happening and fixed the problem, because I remember this happening to me thousands of times in the nineties, and then never again afterwards.  When I saw Harriette fall, I got the smallest tinge of pool chair PTSD.  Carl enters through the front door, and it’s clear that he’s had a rough day.  He asks Harriette not to bring up their stolen furniture, but since she almost just got a concussion from the only furniture she does have, she understandably wants an update.  Carl confesses that he can’t find the furniture, and that it makes him feel like he’s slipping as a cop and a man.

In the kitchen, there’s so much going on that I’m gonna hit you with a picture and a sweet bullet-pointed list:

• What in the hell are these children wearing?  Like, I want to comment on what Laura’s wearing, but Eddie is wearing what appear to be jeans that are painted red so that they don’t resemble a pair of jeans (hereby known as “The Reverse John Cena”).  That would be enough for me to write about, except for the fact that the crotch area was left blue.  Someone made a pair of jeans and decided that the bulge needed to be accentuated more than it normally is, as if to say, “It’s not the pleats.”  Weird flex, but okay.  Also, his jacket is a map of the world.  Someone buy me one, please.  It’s only FIFTY FUCKING DOLLARS.

• For the second scene in a row, we get to see what the Winslows would do furniture-wise if all of their stuff were stolen.  Again, it doesn’t disappoint.  They have two folding chairs, a small table, three milk crates, a cooler, and what appear to be those blocks that people in gyms jump on.

• Why are there Cheetos all over the floor?  It’s never mentioned.  Are we to believe that the robbers left a big ol’ pile of DNA evidence on the ground, or did the Winslow children have a small Cheeto fight before getting into the serious subject of cheating on tests?

Speaking of the cheating, Laura is pressing Eddie to go to the principal and confess that he’s the other party in this scandal.  Eddie makes a weak argument that there’s no point to two of them being in trouble instead of one, and Laura tells him that the only reason Steve is in this mess is because Eddie forced him to cheat.  After her monologue about doing the right thing for friendship’s sake, Urkel falls even more deeply in love with her, which I get.  A girl with convictions?  Sign me up, especially if she’s wearing an entirely neon outfit.  Meow.  Eddie has been moved by his little sister’s passionate speech, and he tells them that he’ll confess in the morning.  Steve claps him on the back and tells him that he knew he’d come through.

We see a rare shot of outside the Winslow’s front door, and two very white burglars approach.  I swear to God, I did not know this was a Home Alone rip-off until just this moment.  Great Value Harry takes a few moments to explain to Great Value Marv why they’ve come back to rob a house that they’ve already successfully burglarized, and then Great Value Harry uses the Winslow’s mail slot to let loose a gas that makes people drowsy.  As he’s doing this, Eddie comes in (with Urkel in tow), and confesses to cheating on the test.  Carl is furious, but he has a hard time conveying that because the gas is making him so sleepy.  Eventually, all three of them fall asleep, but never fear, because our Sam’s Club Wet Bandits have been caught red-handed by Harriette, Rachel, and Estelle.  To cap off the bastardization of Home Alone, the women are all carrying shovels.  I wonder if they also have a son who they’ve had a falling out with.

*For those of you keeping track, Estelle is an elderly woman who plays hockey, does karate, hula dances, beats the bag out of women half her age in tennis, goes on solo fishing expeditions, makes impossible pool shots, plays the trumpet like a long-time jazz musician, was the Rosa Parks of her small-town library, and thwarts robbers with the common snow shovel.*

Conclusion:

A few days later, Eddie and Steve are helping to move the furniture back in.  Apparently, the thieves didn’t think it would be a good idea to immediately sell their stolen goods.  Steve has to teach Eddie the entire periodic table of elements, because their insane teacher won’t let either of them back to school until they can both recite it from memory.  This punishment is way too severe for the crime.  This is like if someone was caught stealing so they cut off his dick.  Rachel and Harriette come in, carrying a couch that to be honest doesn’t look too heavy.  They’re struggling, and Carl comes in behind them carrying a lamp.  After they put it down, he tells them, “That looks heavy!” and they chase him out of the room, ending the episode.  You hate to see them stumble to the finish line like that, but otherwise this was a fantastic episode.

Join me next week, when I break down Episode 3.15, “Jailhouse Blues.”

Please share this post on your favorite brand of social media by clicking its respective icon below. It really makes a huge difference in the amount of people who’ll read it, which I appreciate greatly.

Original Air Date: December 20, 1991

Previously on OUM: Steve’s “crowded condo” wasn’t enough, and he lost his accordion money to LT Murtaugh.

 You can watch full episodes of Family Matters with a subscription to Hulu or YouTubeTV.

If you missed the last recap, you can read it here. Any “Only Urkel Matters” that you may have missed can be found here.

If you find yourself befuddled by anything written in this blog, or you’ve forgotten what specific abbreviations stand for, check out the Glossary I’ve made to clear up such confusions!

Only Urkel Matters is on Instagram! Check us out for the best Urkel content on The Gram (including sneak peeks of columns!) You should also like 7th Evan on Facebook, so you’ll know the moment an OUM is available!

Cold Open:

Carl and Estelle are in the living room, waiting for everyone else to be ready for church.  Carl, whose time as a police officer has taught him the importance of punctuality, is freaking out.  He yells upstairs that everyone who isn’t ready in five minutes is going to have to take the bus, and then retreats to the kitchen, which makes sense.  We tend to go to our happy places when we go through times of stress.  Hurricane Urkel blows in, and he tells Estelle that she looks beautiful, and that if she was a few years younger, he’d make an honest woman out of her.  I’m paraphrasing, but it’s essentially what happened.  Steve tells her that he’s jealous of the Winslows, because his family doesn’t go to church together.  Spoken like a guy who hasn’t been forced to get up every Sunday and sit on a hard, wooden bench for an hour.  John Mulaney goes into this in his most recent special.  Estelle invites Steve to join them at that day’s service.  The family is finally ready, but once they hear that Urkel is joining them, they try to bail.  Lolz.

The Story:

I hope you like you some Jesus, because there’s plenty of Him to go around in this episode.  The whole family is at church, and they’re absolutely groovin’ to some hymnals.  Harriette, Rachel and Laura are all in the choir (I guess Eddie was too cool), and boy howdy is Steve feeling that holy spirit.  Estelle teaches him how to carry on like a good Christian boy, and he takes to this very quickly, Amening and Hallelujahing all over the place.  The pastor addresses the congregation, and tells them that the choir director has left to pursue a musical career as the back-up singer for ZZ Top.  Somehow, everyone agrees that this is an odd choice to make.  I don’t think she made the wrong decision at all.  The pastor names a new choir director: Rachel.  She begins to celebrate, then realizes that her hubris doesn’t belong in a church and attempts to dial it back.  She dials back too far, however, and almost loses the position that she just received.  The pastor, delighted to see some new faces in his church, opens the floor to comments for some reason, and Captain Urk decides that this is the right time to cut a promo on religion:

The choir is milling around, getting ready for practice.  Eddie is doing his best to spit game at a good-looking co-ed, but she’s not interested.  Laura, wearing an absolutely appalling all-denim outfit, tells him that he couldn’t pick up a girl if she had a handle on her.  That’s a nice burn, but apparently she hasn’t noticed the absolute smokes that have been hanging around her brother while she struggles to keep any boy interested enough in her to break through the nerdy 5’4” barrier that hovers around her.  Carl comes in, and he’s carrying a box.  Harriette asks him what’s in it, and because I’m me, my first instinct was Gwyneth Paltrow’s head.  It’s actually a hat (which would fit nicely on Pepper Potts’ head, by the way), and he’s bought it for Rachel so that she will consider giving him the “big solo.”  Harriette tells him that this is a low-down, dirty tactic, and then Rachel comes by and thanks her for the new necklace.  Big laugh from the studio audience, stone cold gaze from ol’ Evdog.  Choir practice is about to begin, but Steve bursts in right at that moment and asks if he join.  Kind of shitty, if you ask me.  If you’re eager to join a group, show up early and make a good impression.  Rachel is a bit hesitant, because there are only a few days until Gospel Sunday (which I gather from context is the Super Bowl for church choirs).  After a few moments of prodding from the Urkster, Rachel lets him in, but he very quickly shows her why he doesn’t belong:

Rachel makes the decision to kick Steve out of the group, which absolutely seems like the right thing to do to me, but the rest of the choir seems livid at Rachel and glare at her as he sadly leaves the room (even Laura, who has been the catalyst for this sad walk routine numerous times before).

It’s late, and the choir has been practicing the same song for six hours.  As a result, they’re all starting to get rather cranky, especially Rachel, who has decided to emulate the leadership style of Gordon Bombay at the beginning of the Mighty Ducks (or in the middle of the second one).  Nothing they do is good enough, and she even lashes out at Carl, who is the only one trying to defend her.  Eventually, she tells him that she is taking his solo away (this was probably the reason he was defending her in the first place) and doing it herself.  This enrages the group, and they walk out on her.

Later that week, Estelle and Steve are engaged in a hearty game of chess.  Estelle is obviously not very good, because the Urkster takes her out in one fell swoop.  Estelle asks Steve if his parents are mad that he went to church, and he says that they are annoyed.  His father couldn’t understand how he could believe in God, since he can’t touch, see, or feel Him.  Urkel told his father that he couldn’t touch, see, or feel an atom either.  Religion burn!  Rachel comes in, and she’s bummed because no one in the choir will talk to her right now.  Estelle tells her to stop acting like Mussolini and apologize to them.  Rachel asks what will happen if they don’t accept her apology, and Estelle tells her that she has to have faith that they will.  See how they tied up those loose ends into a neat little bow?  Rachel apologizes to Steve, who tells her that all she did was save him the time and energy it would have taken to walk out on her with the rest of the choir.  Ice cold.

Conclusion:

Gospel Sunday arrives, and the pastor is in the middle of his sermon.  He talks about how important it is to sing the Lord’s praises, and then immediately says, “But we’re not going to do that today,” which might have been my first real laugh of the episode.   He does his best to give some excuses without really lying, which is an honorable thing to do, but Rachel steps forward and asks if she can explain what happened to the congregation.  The pastor allows this, and Rachel proceeds to explain what had happened in the previous week.  She apologizes, and then her whole family, starting with Carl and ending with Eddie (who I’m still not 100% sure is in the choir, but what a lovely voice) rises up and each sing a line from a song, joining her on the daises.  They are followed shortly by the rest of the choir.  Feeling overwhelming relief, Rachel even goes into the crowd and brings Steve up to sing with them.  You can only barely hear him singing terribly (a nice touch, I wonder if this was Jaleel White’s idea), and the episode ends right after the montage.

Join me next time, when I break down episode 3.14, “A Test of Friendship.”

Please share this post on your favorite brand of social media by clicking its respective icon below. It really makes a huge difference in the amount of people who’ll read it, which I appreciate greatly.

Original Air Date: December 6, 1991

Previously on OUM: I genuinely don’t remember.  I mean, I could go look, but this is a fine testament to how long it’s been, am I right?  Also, there’s a link below if you want to catch yourself up.

 You can watch full episodes of Family Matters with a subscription to Hulu or YouTubeTV.

If you missed the last recap, you can read it here. Any “Only Urkel Matters” that you may have missed can be found here.

If you find yourself befuddled by anything written in this blog, or you’ve forgotten what specific abbreviations stand for, check out the Glossary I’ve made to clear up such confusions!

Only Urkel Matters is on Instagram! Check us out for the best Urkel content on The Gram (including sneak peeks of columns!) You should also like 7th Evan on Facebook, so you’ll know the moment an OUM is available!

Cold Open:

Harriette and Laura are in the kitchen, putting the finishing touches on Laura’s skirt before a party.  Laura wants it to be higher, and Harriette obliges, but Laura wants it to go even higher, so Harriette asks her if there will be boys at the party.  Laura tells her, “Of course!” and Harriette lets it down all the way.  Big laugh from the studio audience, but I honestly don’t know if I can handle yet another episode about Laura’s budding sexuality.  On to the main story.

The Story:

Harriette is still hemming Laura’s skirt when Rachel walks in.  She’s exhausted from a long day at Her Place, especially because she lost two waitresses.  Laura tells her that she’ll work a few more hours to help out, and Rachel gratefully accepts.  However, when Harriette offers the same thing, Rachel balks.  She tells her sister that she can’t stand working with Harriette, because she’s incredibly bossy.  She even goes as far as to call her “Harriette the Hun.”  Harriette insists, and Rachel reluctantly agrees.

Later on, in the Winslow’s living room, Carl’s got three of his cop buddies sitting around a poker table, ready to enjoy a good ol’ fashion night of gamblin’.  When one of cops that was supposed to play calls and tells them that he can’t play because his wife is in labor (“How far apart are her contractions?” LT Murtaugh wants to know), Murtaugh becomes forlorn, because five people playing poker is a good game, BUT FOUR IS BULLSHIT.  When Hurricane Urkel blows in (to a huge pop from the studio audience), Murtaugh jumps at the chance to add him to the game, especially after the Urkman brags about having a spare $500 on him, which he had intended to use to buy an accordion.  Steve sits down and introduces himself, and as soon as one of them introduces himself as Fred Yamano, The Stevearino jumps to the most racist conclusion and begins conversing with the man in Japanese.  Yamano tells him that he doesn’t speak the language, and that he grew up in Nebraska.  Eager to redeem himself, Urkel bursts into song:

(Family Matters)

At Rachel’s Place, Harriette calls out a cheap asshole for leaving a twenty-five-cent tip.  I feel her pain.  No lie, I once had a customer on my paper route leave me a Chuck E. Cheese token.  Needless to say, I make sure I take care of those in the service industry these days.  Anyway, Rachel confronts Harriette because she completely rearranged her storeroom.  Imagine having the balls to do that on your first day?  To make matters worse, her system doesn’t make any sense.  She filed mayonnaise and pickles under “J,” because they’re in jars.  Harriette owes Rachel an apology, but instead, she carries on like she’s in the right.  If this episode doesn’t end with Harriette telling Rachel that she has a hard time forgetting that she’s an adult because she’s her little sister, I’ll be shocked.

 Back at the card game, the boys seem to be having a good time.  Eventually, there’s a hand that comes down to Murtaugh and Urkel.  The Urkman thinks that he’s got Murtaugh beat, so he goes all-in.  Steve’s got tens over sevens, which he thinks is called a “crowded condo.”  I’ll definitely be calling a full house a crowded condo from now on.  Unfortunately for the Urkster, Murtaugh has four fives, and he takes the pot.  Urkel, who thought they were playing just for fun, asks for his money back, and Murtaugh tells him to go screw.  I’m on the lieutenant’s side here, despite the fact that he’s being a prick.  They did tell him that it was a friendly game, but he should have asked a question or two when they made him buy the chips.  Carl asks his boss to reimburse Steve because he’s a confused young kid, but Murtaugh overrules him.  Steve calls Murtaugh some names, and Murtaugh responds with a line that became famous in my childhood home:

(Family Matters)

Carl, who we all know is an amazing guy, really outdoes himself by giving Steve the money out of his own wallet.  A tearful Steve gives him a big hug, and Carl tells him to go buy his accordion before he changes his mind.  Urkel goes to head out, but stops before reaching the door, insisting that he will not leave until he wipes the floor with Murtaugh.  He buys back in, and takes his seat back at the table.

Later, at Rachel’s place once again, Eddie has brought yet another drop-dead gorgeous date to his family’s restaurant.  He’s really getting by on looks alone.  He’s screwed after high school, when girls realize that there are good looking dudes with decent personalities out there.  For now, though, Eddie has convinced this girl that he’s a good catch because he’s from a warm and embracing family.  Just then, Harriette and Rachel come out into the diner, and they’re arguing like cats and dogs.  Eddie, ever quick to lie, tells his date that he’s never seen them before in his life and tells her that he wants to go get Chinese.  I wonder how he plans on paying for it.  Maybe Waldo has finally agreed to spot him some cash.  The women continue to bicker, but Rachel isn’t the only one that Harriette has pissed off.  She’s also angered the cook, who tells Rachel that either Harriette goes, or he does.  Harriette tells the man to collect his check and hit the road, which enrages Rachel.  She points at the Rachel’s Place sign and points out to her sister that it doesn’t say “Harriette’s Place.”  She fires her sister, who to her credit does not mention during this argument that she is one of the main financial backers of the restaurant.  Just as Rachel finishes declaring her sister’s termination, the door opens, and a baseball coach walks in and asks for a table for thirty-five.  What blows my mind about the players that walk in is that they are wearing two different jerseys.  For some reason, two separate teams have decided to eat together.  That would never happen.  If I take an L, I’m not dining with my vanquisher.  Conversely, if I get that W, those motherflowers don’t deserve to bask in my glory.  After seeing this amount of young, hungry men walk into her establishment, a sheepish Rachel has no choice but to re-hire her sister.

The poker game is still heated, and it once again comes down very quickly to a head-to-head between the Urkster and LT Murtaugh.  These two are as destined to face off as Mike McDermott and Teddy KGB.  Urkel goes all-in, and Murtaugh doesn’t have the capital to call him, so he puts up a watch that his commander gave him for breaking up an illegal gambling ring.  Delicious irony.  Murtaugh draws a flush, and Urkel suckers him in by telling him that he only has two pair.  When Murtaugh goes to take down the pot, Steve tells him not so fast; he’s got two pairs of tens.  Sorry, Murtaugh.  Live by the sword, die by the sword.  Murtaugh can’t believe it, and Urkel helps him come to terms with reality by hitting him with some vicious smoke.

The baseball team is just finishing their dinner, and the Winslow (I know Rachel is a Crawford, don’t be bothering me about that) gals are ready to close up shop.  Rachel asks Laura how she did tip-wise, and her niece responds that she made $38.  Harriette, however, only managed $4.13 and a half a stick of gum.  After laughing knowingly, Rachel sends Laura to the back so she can speak to her sister alone.  Once her daughter leaves, Harriette tells Rachel that she is extremely impressed with her ability to remain calm under pressure, and admits (winner-winner, chicken dinner) that she has a hard time seeing Rachel as anything other than her little sister, but is so proud of what she’s made of herself.  Rachel tells her that she could never have made it this far without the sage advice that she received from her older sister.  They hug into the final commercial break.

The Conclusion:

We come back to one of my favorite Family Matters endings of all time.  Most of the cops have left for the evening, but Murtaugh is still sitting slumped in his chair, muttering “Four tens” over and over.  Carl suggests to him that he call it a night, and a dejected Murtaugh heads to the door.  Before he can leave, Steve calls him back:

(Family Matters)

I spend a lot of time writing about how these characters make some truly despicable choices, but this ending genuinely warms my heart.  Steve tossing Murtaugh the watch remains one of my favorite “He gave him the knife!” moments in sitcom history, and the class that Carl shows in pretending that he drew a deuce is just as heart-warming.  Carl’s selfless moment ends the show, but I have one more thing to discuss before we’re through.  After he’s given his watch back, Murtaugh renders Urkel a salute.  As a military guy, I can’t help but acknowledge that this means that Urkel must be at least a captain in the Chicago PD.  Therefore, from this point on-in addition to all his other nicknames-I will occasionally refer to Steven Q. Urkel as “Captain Urk.”

Join me next time, when I break down episode 3.13, “Choir Trouble.”

Please share this post on your favorite brand of social media by clicking its respective icon below. It really makes a huge difference in the amount of people who’ll read it, which I appreciate greatly.